The Apocalypse

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:01:41 Hello and welcome to The Luxury Podcast. My name's Jonathan Vernon-Smith, and with me is William Hanson. This is the podcast that helps you live a more luxury life.

William Hanson 0:02:01 Hello, Jonathan and I are here to help you create the everyday moments of luxury that make life worth living, whatever your budget.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:07 In each episode of The Luxury Podcast, William and I tackle an area of life that we think you should upgrade, sorting the ons, lows from the hyacinths, advising the nation in gracious living. So— Oh my God, William, what are we going to talk about today?

William Hanson 0:02:30 Well, we're going to talk about the most everyday of everyday moments. I've had 4 this week. We're talking about the apocalypse.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:41 The apocalypse, as you do. How can you have a luxury experience in an apocalypse?

William Hanson 0:02:47 Yes, because if the world is ending, you want to make sure you go out In style.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:52 You do?

William Hanson 0:02:52 Yes,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:53 yes, to be remembered. But of course, no one will be there to remember you,

William Hanson 0:02:58 so what's the point,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:59 you could argue. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

William Hanson 0:03:01 And thank you to James Hansen for suggesting this topic. Yes, so this is— again, if this is a terrible episode, I can give you his address.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:08 I think it's going to be a goodie, William.

William Hanson 0:03:11 It should be a goodie. And actually, do you know what? I think it was Rodrigo, your soon-to-be holiday companion, who suggested to me earlier when I was having a little pre-production meeting of my own, lying down on the sofa, What type of apocalypse are we talking about? Are we having a zombie apocalypse? Are we having a nuclear apocalypse?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:30 I think that's more likely.

William Hanson 0:03:32 And what, a zombie one?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:34 No, no, a nuclear one.

William Hanson 0:03:36 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:37 I mean, zombies are not— it's not going to happen, is it?

William Hanson 0:03:40 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:41 Although, you know, it's a bit of fun to talk about that.

William Hanson 0:03:44 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:44 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:03:45 But how would you— if a zombie was approaching you?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:48 Oh, yes.

William Hanson 0:03:49 What would you say?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:51 What, is he coming towards me aggressively?

William Hanson 0:03:53 Well, in a zombie lullaby. In a—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:55 oh.

William Hanson 0:03:55 Maybe he's carrying a machete.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:57 Right, okay. Well, did I ever tell you that when I was a child, I did judo? So, I— what I would do is I would get him by the neck, and then I'd get my foot behind his leg, and I'd push him on the floor, and then I'd put him in a judo hold. At which point, there's a pressure point in your neck, And I'd dig my thumb in until he was dead.

William Hanson 0:04:22 Does that go for a zombie?

Speaker E 0:04:24 Well, he is dead.

William Hanson 0:04:24 He's undead.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:25 I could kind of crush him. I could crush him, couldn't I?

William Hanson 0:04:28 Yeah, I don't know how you kill a zombie again.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:32 No.

William Hanson 0:04:33 But I bet you one of two of your Spanish cleaning products would intoxicate them.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:40 If I spritzed him in the eyes with some Las Tres Brujas.

William Hanson 0:04:43 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:43 Do you reckon that would sort him out?

William Hanson 0:04:45 I think it would discombobulate him for a bit, and you could run

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:48 off. Take this, puta de madre, spritz him.

William Hanson 0:04:54 What does that mean?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:54 You son of

William Hanson 0:04:56 a

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:00 bitch.

William Hanson 0:05:00 Oh. I thought it was another cleaning product.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:02 You recognise that, Rodrigo? Kind of. It should be a bit different. Well, how is it? Hijo de puta. Hijo de puta, that's it. What did I say? Puta de madre. What does that mean? Fuck the mother? Uh, I don't know.

Speaker E 0:05:22 It's like motherfucker, isn't it? Well,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:23 I better not say that. Ollie, I hope you beeped all of that because I just used some terrible language in Spanish.

William Hanson 0:05:30 No, I think Ollie, being in Australia, is already dead because the apocalypse sort of happens there a bit quicker.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:36 Ah, right.

William Hanson 0:05:37 A bit sooner than us. We're on a bit of a lag.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:39 I see.

William Hanson 0:05:41 So, he's already dead.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:42 If— do you get a war— let's go back to nuclear apocalypse.

William Hanson 0:05:46 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:47 I think it's a more Realistic potential.

William Hanson 0:05:50 So, boom. How long do we have?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:54 I have no idea.

William Hanson 0:05:55 Right.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:56 I presume we get a bit of warning.

William Hanson 0:05:57 Half an hour?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:58 Oh gosh, is that all we've got?

William Hanson 0:06:00 I would say we've got half an hour to get our affairs in order. I say get our affairs in order.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:05 Get your affairs in order? I don't think there's much point to that.

William Hanson 0:06:08 No, but you know, anything you want to do in the last half an hour of your life.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:12 Right.

William Hanson 0:06:12 Get on and do it.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:13 Get on. What would you do?

William Hanson 0:06:19 Depends who's around. But you know, there'd be no point going out for a restaurant meal.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:26 No.

William Hanson 0:06:27 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:28 You'd only be halfway through your starter.

William Hanson 0:06:30 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:31 Terrible waste of time.

William Hanson 0:06:32 And depends where you go, service can be very slow.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:34 Chop chop, quick!

William Hanson 0:06:37 Hi,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:38 I

William Hanson 0:06:38 was wondering if you could just check in on our first courses, just because the apocalypse is happening in a minute.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:44 Let's plan our last day.

William Hanson 0:06:46 Okay, so do you think we have a day?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:48 Let's just war game here that we're given the warning the day before that tomorrow I'm going to press the button, you're all going to die.

William Hanson 0:06:58 And are we assuming that things like the London transport system, the Thameslink, the Metro up north, all the things that we would rely on to get around, our cars, They're still working.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:12 I think,

William Hanson 0:07:12 yeah, it's life as normal.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:14 We will expect the service industry to still provide a service for us on our last day.

William Hanson 0:07:18 I could, I could go to Heathrow and fly to Bora Bora.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:22 Why would you do that on your last day?

William Hanson 0:07:25 Well, just to say I've seen it. You could go to Luton and go to Phalaraki or wherever is near you.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:30 Thank you. I, I, my last day would be very straightforward. Would you like to know what it is?

William Hanson 0:07:36 It's probably going to be Does it involve the pub?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:38 Yes, it does! How do you know that? But that would be—

William Hanson 0:07:42 Would you bother to clean?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:43 No.

William Hanson 0:07:44 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:45 No, I'm not gonna clean.

William Hanson 0:07:45 That is interesting.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:46 I'm gonna wake up in the morning, 5 AM. Make the most of it. Gonna wake up, come down and have a full English and a pot of coffee.

William Hanson 0:07:54 Oh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:55 Be extravagant.

William Hanson 0:07:56 You might as well be awake for the apocalypse.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:59 Feed the dogs, have a shower, take the dogs out for a couple of miles.

William Hanson 0:08:04 Miles!

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:04 Just, I think, good to get some fresh air inside you. You've got a lot to cope with. A bit of fresh air. Come back, maybe put a load on. Just, I mean, you never know. It might have all been—

William Hanson 0:08:18 They might cancel it.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:19 Exactly. It might have been over nothing. So, keep your standards up. Put a load in. And then, I think, head off to The Grove for an all-you-can-eat buffet. Uh, why not? And definitely put your harvester trousers on that day. Go for it. Go for it.

William Hanson 0:08:35 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:36 Have several courses at The Grove, and I would say wash it down with a few bottles of very, very nice wine. Go for the most expensive on the menu. Who cares? You know, blow it all. Why not?

William Hanson 0:08:49 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:50 Then I'd come home, uh, probably get an Uber because I've had a few bottles of wine, And then spend the afternoon, maybe watch a bit of Netflix.

William Hanson 0:09:02 Oh, what— true crime?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:04 A bit of true crime, or potentially What to Wear When Yachting.

William Hanson 0:09:07 From Keeping Up Appearances.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:09 From Keeping Up Appearances.

William Hanson 0:09:10 This is where suddenly our apocalypses are very similar.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:13 Yeah. Then I think I'd go to the pub. Go and have a few pints.

William Hanson 0:09:19 Do you not think she'd open early? Because it's the apocalypse.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:22 She might do.

William Hanson 0:09:22 She'd be like, well, sod licensing laws, we're gonna open early.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:25 I'd go to the pub, and I'd have 4 pints. I wouldn't care. I'd have 4 pints and I'd have 2 bags of Nobbies. I don't care anymore. I might as well pull that ripcord. And then I'd head back, stick a bit of Lou Rawls and Joe McDonald on, and then order in a curry.

William Hanson 0:09:40 And wait for the Big Bang.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:41 And wait for the— wait for death. That for me is my dream last night.

William Hanson 0:09:46 If you hadn't drunk yourself to death or eaten yourself to death at the Grove buffet.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:49 Yeah,

William Hanson 0:09:50 yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:51 I think I'd really enjoy that.

William Hanson 0:09:53 Yeah, that sounds— I mean, it is basically what you did last Saturday.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:56 Yeah, it is. That's kind of my life.

William Hanson 0:09:58 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:58 But I like my life. I like it.

William Hanson 0:10:01 You just do it all over again.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:02 Well, your idea of getting on a plane and going somewhere, it's just absolutely fraught with danger. You'd end up in—

William Hanson 0:10:11 It's the apocalypse, Jonathan.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:12 Yes, but you're going to spend your final moments probably in a delay at the airport. You'd find yourself in a nightmare situation in an airport.

William Hanson 0:10:20 Does everyone else know it's the apocalypse, or have you and I been tipped off?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:24 No, of course they do, everyone knows. There's going to be panic throughout.

William Hanson 0:10:27 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:29 When I go to the Grove, I shall say, calm down, serve that beef.

Speaker E 0:10:55 Go on, William, tell us about your final day.

William Hanson 0:10:58 I think Jonathan's on something in, you want to get up relatively early to make the most of your last day.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:05 You can't have a lie-in, can you?

William Hanson 0:11:07 Well, I might, I might wake up at 6.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:09 6?

William Hanson 0:11:10 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:11 Wow.

William Hanson 0:11:12 Okay. Coffee.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:14 Wine.

William Hanson 0:11:15 Coffee at home. I love coffee at home. If the weather's nice, I go and sit alfresco. And just sort of soak it up on our nice dining table outside.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:25 Would you fire up the Ninja Flex Flame for a bit of breakfast?

William Hanson 0:11:28 Not at that time of the morning. No, no. I would probably— I'm going to admit something here. If it was my last day, I'd do something that Mikey and I often do on New Year's Day.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:40 Oh yeah.

William Hanson 0:11:41 When we're feeling a little bit devilish.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:43 Oh, this is going to be good. Pull up a chair, Buckethead.

William Hanson 0:11:46 We open up an app, And we order a McDonald's breakfast.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:51 What? You don't!

William Hanson 0:11:54 It's a little New Year's Day thing.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:56 Literally all of your luxury credentials have just gone straight out of the window. What are you thinking?

William Hanson 0:12:02 Just, you know, because I can't— I'm not going to waste it cooking.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:06 Okay.

William Hanson 0:12:07 So I'm gonna, you know, order food in.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:09 All right.

William Hanson 0:12:10 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:10 Yeah, I shouldn't be negative. This is your day.

William Hanson 0:12:12 Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:12 Let's make it special.

William Hanson 0:12:13 And also, I don't care what you think because I'm about to die.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:15 Exactly. So you've had your McDonald's breakfast. Have a McDonald's breakfast.

William Hanson 0:12:20 Then I'd shower.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:21 What? You've got to go clean.

William Hanson 0:12:24 And I would listen in the— I'd have an incredibly long shower. I'd click the, you know, extra hour on the boiler to give a lot of hot water, so I could be in there and listen to the full cast album of Mary Poppins.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:38 Okay.

William Hanson 0:12:39 The 2019 Practically Perfect Edition. Go through that whilst I'm— because I'm going to assume that Mary Poppins is not on in the West End, so I can't go and see it. I'm assuming the apocalypse is sort of now.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:50 Oh, okay.

William Hanson 0:12:51 So, I would enjoy that whilst in the shower, cleaning myself. Probably, and I'm going to say this, I probably wouldn't use La Toggia or the other one.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:03 What would you use?

William Hanson 0:13:04 Cowshed. I'd go back.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:06 Why?

William Hanson 0:13:07 Well, just because I want to smell like I like to smell.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:15 You do not need to use these products, William. You can give them back. No,

William Hanson 0:13:19 no, no, no, no, I do use them. What's the other one called?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:22 So, so rude. Latorgia and Enadapravir.

William Hanson 0:13:26 I, I use— I alternate between both of them.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:28 Right. But you'd go back to your rubbish cow shit?

William Hanson 0:13:32 Just for the last day.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:33 Right, okay. None taken.

William Hanson 0:13:37 I've never seen you look more wounded.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:39 Go on.

William Hanson 0:13:40 So, I'd go back to that, get through the album, dry myself, blow dry my hair.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:46 Why not?

William Hanson 0:13:47 Yeah, exactly.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:48 What's the worst that's gonna happen?

William Hanson 0:13:49 And then I would probably go and have more coffee outside the house in a nice coffee shop or a hotel. I'd go to Claridge's.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:04 Okay.

William Hanson 0:14:05 I'd say I'd take Mikey. He might have his own plans for the apocalypse.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:08 This is exhausting already. You're all over the shop, aren't you? You've had McDonald's, you're now off to Claridge's having had an hour-long shower washing yourself in cowshed.

William Hanson 0:14:17 90 minutes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:18 Now you're off to have Claridge's coffee.

William Hanson 0:14:22 Coffee and probably a salad.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:23 Salad? Why are you bothering with salad?

William Hanson 0:14:26 They do nice salads.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:27 I've just had McDonald's breakfast. Come on.

William Hanson 0:14:31 Sit in the foyer and reading room, soak up the ambiance. Hopefully it'll be calm. I would like to think Claridge's is the sort of place that even if there is an apocalypse imminent,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:40 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:14:40 It would still be very calm in there.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:42 Right.

William Hanson 0:14:42 I think they will ensure that everyone goes out in style. Then I might go to a bookshop and browse a bookshop. One of my favourite things to do is just browse a bookshop, even if I don't buy anything.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:53 Oh, God.

William Hanson 0:14:57 I would then go back to Claridge's later for a martini.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:00 Okay.

William Hanson 0:15:01 Or maybe the Connaught.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:02 Now we're cooking on gas.

William Hanson 0:15:04 Yes. Now we're having—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:05 And what happens

William Hanson 0:15:07 What do you mean, what

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:07 happens? You're just going to have one martini?

William Hanson 0:15:12 Maybe 2.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:13 2?

William Hanson 0:15:13 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:13 Okay. And then what?

William Hanson 0:15:15 Then I would probably— I would want to see friends, but then I— but I appreciate when you— it's an apocalypse, all the friends might be doing what they want to do. So, it's not like I can text friends and go, do you want to come to the Connaught for a martini? Because they might be like, well, my idea of heaven is going off to blah blah blah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:32 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:15:32 Or you might be busy at the Grove.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:35 No.

William Hanson 0:15:35 Or doing your miles walks with your dogs.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:37 No, I will have had the Grove at lunchtime. I'll be home. I mean, I could meet you. Could meet you.

William Hanson 0:15:42 Okay, you come into town.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:43 For the final boom. I mean, it'd be quite nice to go together in the boom, wouldn't it?

William Hanson 0:15:49 Yeah, it would. I think it would be nice to, whether it's family or friends, at least sort of be there as we all die and—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:54 As the clock counts down, you and I look at each other and we say, goodbye!

William Hanson 0:16:13 Oh, this is actually quite depressing. Who— which of the two of us are going to survive longer? Longest?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:20 You.

William Hanson 0:16:21 Really?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:23 Yes. There's a lot of— A lot of chemicals in that face that will live on.

William Hanson 0:16:32 Excuse me, there's a lot of alcohol in you. You're gonna be preserved.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:38 I'll just go boom!

William Hanson 0:16:40 Like a Roman candle, won't you?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:44 No, I think you will— you'll be quite indestructible. Yeah.

William Hanson 0:16:50 Well, I won't feel it.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:51 No.

William Hanson 0:16:52 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:52 All they'll find of you I mean, if anyone does survive it— It'll be your face. There's his face! Still there.

William Hanson 0:17:04 Do you ever watch Doctor Who when they brought it back for the first time? That skin that was in a—

Speaker E 0:17:11 What's that called?

William Hanson 0:17:11 It was voiced by Zoe Wanamaker, I think.

Speaker E 0:17:16 Wasn't it like Clarissa?

William Hanson 0:17:18 Yeah, something like that. Google Doctor Who skin face or something. Yes, I think you'd— but I think I'd also give up. I'd be like, oh yeah, fine, whatever, and just throw myself into the fire or whatever's going on.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:34 No.

Speaker E 0:17:35 Cassandra.

William Hanson 0:17:35 Cassandra. Can you show Jonathan a picture of Cassandra? This would be what I look like. If you want to see what— just Google Cassandra Doctor Who.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:05 Would you make your bed?

William Hanson 0:18:18 No, I probably wouldn't.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:19 Would you not? I'd still make the bed.

William Hanson 0:18:23 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:24 I couldn't bear to not make the bed.

William Hanson 0:18:26 Well, it's the same as when my parents go on holiday. My mother has to leave the house absolutely immaculate, like to sort of almost pathological levels, even though it is an immaculate house anyway, because she always says if anything happened to them whilst they were away, she doesn't want people going into the house going, Oh, she left it like this.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:42 Exactly.

William Hanson 0:18:43 So, and I do understand that. Yeah. Would you, if you were either on the phone or face-to-face with people, colleagues, friends, family, would you tell them anything? Would you sort of declare an undying love or go, I'll tell you what I think of you? Would you sort of get it all out?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:02 No, no, no.

William Hanson 0:19:04 And how about positive things? Would you go, oh, I've always loved you, or

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:10 No.

William Hanson 0:19:10 You wouldn't be very happy.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:11 I think maybe a manly handshake to my father and my brother. Say, um, good job, chaps. And, um, you know, leave it there.

William Hanson 0:19:19 Would you be more affectionate to the dogs?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:22 Oh yes, that'd be terrible. The dogs.

William Hanson 0:19:25 Yeah,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:25 that'd be terrible.

William Hanson 0:19:26 Would you, if you knew, you don't quite know how we're gonna die in the apocalypse. You know, it's nuclear, but we don't know what it's gonna be like and how painful it's gonna be. And I'm saying this with love. Would you put Poppy and Betty out of their misery first?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:42 No.

William Hanson 0:19:44 No? You'd just all go? Because you don't— what happens if—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:48 Do you mean what, take them to the vet?

William Hanson 0:19:49 Whatever you want to do.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:51 Well, I'm not going to do it in any other way, am I?

William Hanson 0:19:53 No, but like, if, you know, nuclear war, boom, it happens. We've said goodbye. We're lying there like, ugh, and you look across and Poppy and Betty are also like, ugh, and you hear them. Would that not worry you and trouble

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:07 you? God, what are you trying to do? You're going to give me sleepless nights.

William Hanson 0:20:10 No, I'm not, but I'm like—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:11 Well, so I look over and they're kind of, what, just kind of wriggling and writhing about?

William Hanson 0:20:15 Yeah, like saliva.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:16 And I look over and I think, I could have taken you to the vets and had you humanely euthanized.

William Hanson 0:20:21 So you didn't have to go through this ordeal. Would you be humane about it, knowing that I'm going to do the humane thing rather than let, you know—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:28 Well, if I was 100% sure it was definitely going to happen, then maybe. And maybe I'd have myself euthanized as well while I'm there.

William Hanson 0:20:38 Do you think that whatever they give animals at the vets is strong enough for humans?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:42 Well, it's the same stuff they use, William.

William Hanson 0:20:44 Oh,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:44 just on a stronger dose. Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, no, maybe what I could do is I could say to the vet, can you— this is a terrible conversation. I could say to the vet, could you just give me what I would need if I need to do it myself. And then I could wait and see because it might be a false flag, you know, and it might turn out not to happen. And if I've ended up killing my dogs for nothing, that would be, that would be terrible.

William Hanson 0:21:19 But at least you'd still be alive.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:21 Well, yeah,

William Hanson 0:21:22 but— Have we ever had a false flag with the apocalypse before?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:27 Um, no, I don't think so. No, I don't think so. But tell me.

William Hanson 0:21:31 And is there one, if you, okay, so boom, and then we go to the afterlife. Could be a good topic for another day.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:39 How do we know there's an afterlife?

William Hanson 0:21:41 Let's just go with it. There's an afterlife. And you are able to take one thing from this life that you will be guaranteed whether you come back as a pigeon, Whether you come back as whoever, that will be yours, that you will have and you can watch, use, eat, drink. What are you going to have? What are you going to bring?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:06 That's a good one. Maybe Las Tres Brujas Multi-Surface Spritz, because you can use that virtually anywhere.

William Hanson 0:22:19 And when you come back as a pigeon, that'll be very

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:22 useful. There will still be services to Spritz, William.

William Hanson 0:22:24 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:25 What would you take then?

William Hanson 0:22:26 I'd take all of Keeping Up Appearances.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:28 Oh, the whole box set?

William Hanson 0:22:29 Yeah, and something to watch. I

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:31 was gonna say you need a TV.

William Hanson 0:22:32 Yeah, or, or an iPad with it all preloaded.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:34 You're taking a preloaded iPad? And as a pigeon, how are you— how are you—

William Hanson 0:22:42 Well, a pigeon can still watch.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:43 How are you gonna play that?

William Hanson 0:22:44 With my beak. You're taking multi-surface spritz.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:54 There's nothing wrong with being hygienic and clean.

William Hanson 0:22:57 You're a pigeon, you're carrying germs.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:59 Well, that's very true. Spritz myself.

William Hanson 0:23:02 Well, I'm sure we've got some apocalyptic questions from our listeners.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:05 Yes.

William Hanson 0:23:06 If we survive this ad break.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:07 I was going to say, I think I can hear the phone. Is that the phone? Oh, there it is.

William Hanson 0:23:11 There it is.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:12 We'll be back in a sec.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:16 Welcome back, Bucketheads. We've been discussing the apocalypse, and it's now time for your questions. So let's check out our heaving bags of post. Do remember, if there's something on your mind that needs a luxury touch, postman@luxurypodcast.co.uk is the place for your queries and your questions.

William Hanson 0:25:45 This first one is from Ellie. Dear Jonathan and William, should the apocalypse come, what would be the one luxury item you would risk being eaten by a luxury zombie for a better class of person for? Oh, oh,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:57 my dogs. Oh.

William Hanson 0:25:57 Yeah, I

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:59 think it will be my dogs.

William Hanson 0:26:00 That's nice.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:01 My dogs are what I'd save in a fire. Nice. Yeah.

William Hanson 0:26:05 Okay. Well, I guess my husband, I should probably say.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:08 Oh.

William Hanson 0:26:08 What?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:11 That's nice.

William Hanson 0:26:11 It's nice. Yeah, probably that. Or the etiquette book Granny gave me when I was 12.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:17 You'd save Granny's etiquette book?

William Hanson 0:26:19 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:20 Leave Mikey in there. Go and get the etiquette book.

William Hanson 0:26:24 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:28 Jake's been in touch, says, good day, gents. Here's a term you may or may not have come across: preppers. A prepper is a person with possibly too much time on their hands who hoards and preps for the apocalypse. If you had to prepare a bunker, What would you have in terms of essential items and in terms of non-essential but luxury items? I can picture JVS hoarding Spanish soap, so at least if he's eaten by zombies or torn apart by crazies Mad Max style, at least he'll smell fresh.

William Hanson 0:27:02 No, at least he'll smell

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:05 fresh, fresh,

William Hanson 0:27:06 like Luke's impression of you.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:08 Yeah, well, that's, uh, that's very true. I would like that. I'd probably take— what else would I take?

William Hanson 0:27:15 I'd take a very, very— several bottles, in fact many bottles of Tanqueray 10 gin.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:20 Oh, I was going to say beer. A

William Hanson 0:27:22 couple of bottles of vermouth, because you don't— and certainly the way I make my martinis, you don't need many. Some lemons, potato peeler, stirrer, Boston shaker, and ice.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:33 Right.

William Hanson 0:27:34 Some sort of— or if I don't have ice, a freezer to keep the alcohol in.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:38 Okay.

William Hanson 0:27:39 Speaking of which, I have just ordered everything you need to make martinis to my dressing room. So I can do little dressing room martinis for everyone at the show.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:47 Oh, you are such a thespian.

William Hanson 0:27:50 Nigel Havers does it too, apparently.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:53 Is this before the show or after?

William Hanson 0:27:54 During.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:55 During?

William Hanson 0:27:56 There's a bit in Act 1 where I get a bit of time off.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:58 Right.

William Hanson 0:27:59 Probably not long enough to make a martini.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:02 And are they happy about you going back on stage having had a drink? Yeah.

William Hanson 0:28:08 Yeah,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:09 yeah, why not?

William Hanson 0:28:10 As long as I do the show.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:10 Yeah, exactly.

William Hanson 0:28:11 Stand in the right place, they don't care.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:13 As long as you can remember your lines.

William Hanson 0:28:14 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:15 Are you having to sing a song? I've seen you kind of in your videos singing away.

William Hanson 0:28:19 Well, we all sing.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:20 Shoulders going.

William Hanson 0:28:21 We all sing at the end, yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:23 Right.

William Hanson 0:28:23 But there are some musical notes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:25 Oh.

William Hanson 0:28:26 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:27 I can't wait for this.

William Hanson 0:28:30 So, yeah, I would— those are— that's what I would have in my bunker. And what else would I have? Lovely bedding.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:36 Oh, nice. Yes.

William Hanson 0:28:38 Yeah, proper bed.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:39 High thread count.

William Hanson 0:28:40 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:41 Sateen cotton.

William Hanson 0:28:42 Again, Sea Keeping for Parents's iPad, maybe with a couple of other things put on there. Mary Poppins.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:48 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:28:48 Things that I could comfort watch, because I think you would be in need of comfort. And chocolate.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:54 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:28:55 An awful lot of chocolate down there.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:58 I'd like a smoke alarm. I might take one of my smoke alarms.

William Hanson 0:29:00 Why do you need a smoke alarm?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:02 Well, you never know if you might—

William Hanson 0:29:03 It'll be going off left, right, and centre. There's been an apocalypse upstairs.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:05 Yeah, but you've got to be prepared. and have an early warning sign. Maybe my Master Blaster, I could take that off the wall.

William Hanson 0:29:13 You don't want that in your bunker, you'll be deaf.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:15 Oh, by the way, I forgot to tell you, I set my Master Blaster off the other day.

William Hanson 0:29:19 Oh my God, that Master Blaster is going off left, right, and centre.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:22 Well, I forgot that, you know, I've had my garage door sensored by a team of professionals.

William Hanson 0:29:28 Your neighbours must love you.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:29 And I came home the other day, and it was pouring with rain, and I thought, I'll just go straight through the garage, So I pressed my remote control for the garage, and as it went up, oh my word, the whole thing went off. I had to go into the house to turn the master blower— well, to turn the system off. And it was so—

William Hanson 0:29:49 But your panel's by the front door?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:51 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:29:51 Oh my God, that's a long route.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:52 It was— no, no, no, I, I went through the front door.

William Hanson 0:29:55 Oh, I see. You didn't go through the—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:57 No, I didn't go through there. Um, and I, I turned and I went in, and it was so loud, William. I said to Sadie, Before our recording today, I nearly had a bodily accident because it kind of— all of my bodily ability went. I was like jelly. It's terrifying, the old Master Blaster.

William Hanson 0:30:17 Well, at least it works.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:19 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:30:19 Did you not have a fob that you can press from outside to turn off the system?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:23 No, because I've got a legacy system, William. I've got a legacy system, as you know very well.

William Hanson 0:30:29 Right.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:29 I have to put my fob On the panel. I know.

William Hanson 0:30:33 That's fun.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:35 Yeah, yeah, but it always was very loud.

William Hanson 0:30:38 Is that a proximity fob?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:39 What's a proximity fob?

William Hanson 0:30:42 Oh, no, we've just— because they've— we'll tell you about this tomorrow. We've just had the team round, and we've now got, for our cleaner, we've got a proximity fob.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:50 Oh my word, I can't wait for tomorrow now. This sounds fantastic. But back to the—

William Hanson 0:30:55 Well, let's hope we survive today, otherwise we'll never get to tomorrow.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:58 Right.

William Hanson 0:30:58 Do you want to do Helen?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:01 Helen says, hello to the beautiful ones. I have questions about the zombie apocalypse.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:08 I have absolutely no practical skills whatsoever and have built a career utilising understanding and empathy. Therefore, I'd probably not recognise when my end was nigh. For example, if a zombie apocalypse was imminent, I'd struggle to drive a knife through the brains of Doris next door if she— I'd struggle to drive a knife through the brains of Doris next door if she became infected and zombified. I'd probably attempt to reason with her before she inevitably chowed down on me.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:55 Oh, Helen. In the event of a zombie apocalypse, who would you like to be eaten by? And when you've been turned, who would you like to eat? I'd like to eat Hannah Fry because she's got a tasty big brain. Lots of love, says Helen from Devon.

William Hanson 0:32:13 Oh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:14 I know who I'd like to be eaten by. I know, I know. Can I

William Hanson 0:32:29 guess?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:29 Who?

William Hanson 0:32:30 Is it Ryan Phillippe?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:31 No, you.

William Hanson 0:32:32 Why?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:33 And do you know why I'd like you to eat me?

William Hanson 0:32:36 Why?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:36 Because your appetite is not what it was. And I feel like you'd get halfway through my arm and you'd be like, oh well, that's me done for today. Give me a fighting chance to get away. He's only had half my arm.

William Hanson 0:32:53 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:53 But do you know who I'd like to eat? Chris Pratt. Now, can I tell you why?

William Hanson 0:32:58 Who's Chris? Oh yeah, the actor.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:00 The actor Chris Pratt.

William Hanson 0:33:02 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:02 And I'll tell you why. He's a big chap. He's got a— he looks like he's got a lot of meat on him.

William Hanson 0:33:08 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:09 But he looks like it's not hard meat.

William Hanson 0:33:12 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:12 He looks like there's a tenderness to it. You know, if, for example, you've got a gladiator, yes, they've got a lot of meat on. I bet they are tough, tough as anything. Whereas I think Chris Pat— Crap— Pratt— whatever his name is. Chris Pratt.

William Hanson 0:33:29 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:29 I think he'd be quite tender and tasty, and he'd keep you fed for weeks. Who would you like to eat?

William Hanson 0:33:41 You raise a good point that they have— they've got to have a lot of meat on the bones because presumably you're eating them for survival.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:47 You know, you don't want an athlete or someone who's going to be too sinewy before they're chewy.

William Hanson 0:33:50 Or too, like— because I'd naturally say Shawn Mendes is the, the comedy answer to go to, but very toned and lean, so that might be a problem.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:57 Yeah, exactly. No, you need something with a nice, a nice kind of, um, bit of fat going through it.

William Hanson 0:34:05 Can I come back to you on that?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:07 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:34:07 I feel I need to—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:08 Also, they need to be—

William Hanson 0:34:10 But also, they don't need to be that attractive that you think, oh, this is a bit weird now I'm eating them.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:14 No, they don't need to be attractive. They need to be tasty. They need to look like they're tasty.

William Hanson 0:34:20 But I've never really looked at anyone and gone, yum. Well, that's not strictly true, but not from a—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:29 I'd like to eat you.

William Hanson 0:34:30 I'd like to eat you. Well, that's quite reassuring. I once, at school, had— I won't name the friend, I'm not in touch with him still. He was an interesting chap, and we were maybe in Year 8 or Year 9, and he turned to me, and he was sort of known as the local psychopath, and he said to me, do you know, William, you're the only one in our year group that I don't want to kill.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:54 God.

William Hanson 0:34:56 I said, oh, that's very kind of you, thank you.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:58 Wow. Did you report him?

William Hanson 0:35:01 No,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:01 no.

William Hanson 0:35:02 No? No, I think— I wouldn't dare. I'm just thinking like, what a funny thing to say.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:10 That is a funny thing to say. Yeah. And what about, who would you like to eat you?

William Hanson 0:35:15 Well, you make a good point. Someone that doesn't have a big appetite.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:21 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:35:21 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:22 You, because you don't have a lot of meat on the bone.

William Hanson 0:35:24 No, I think I'd be fairly fail-safe. I don't— there's no point going for No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:29 You'd be like—

William Hanson 0:35:29 I'd have to stand near larger people, so I stood a better chance.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:34 You know when you do a roast chicken, and you know the wings, do you ever take the wings off and chew them?

William Hanson 0:35:39 No, I can't stand that.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:40 On the bone?

William Hanson 0:35:40 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:41 That'd be like you with your arms. Be like that. You'd hold your arm either end and have to work down like a corn on the cob. Wouldn't it be your arms?

William Hanson 0:35:51 Well, don't stick things on either end of me.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:53 No.

William Hanson 0:35:54 This is from Catherine. Would Jonathan finally use his indoor kitchen during the apocalypse? Or risk being eaten by the zombies, but avoid indoor smells?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:36:06 Oh, that's true. I better stay indoors.

William Hanson 0:36:09 I lock all the doors. Oh yeah. Oh my God, maybe your Master Blaster will get rid of the zombies.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:36:13 Might do.

William Hanson 0:36:15 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:36:15 Blow them off. Yeah, might do. Well, it does kind of generate a lot of air.

William Hanson 0:36:20 Yes. Yeah. Or do zombies have hearing? Because if they don't have hearing, then I'm afraid they are coming for you.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:36:28 Right.

William Hanson 0:36:29 But I would stay inside because I think that I could see that big hedge at the back. I've got like zombies coming over it.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:36:34 Oh yeah, right.

William Hanson 0:36:36 So if you're inside with the doors locked—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:36:37 I'll stay, and they won't get in because I've got high security systems.

William Hanson 0:36:41 You've got a grill over your back door.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:36:42 I've got, uh, I've got high security door. I've got film on my windows.

William Hanson 0:36:47 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:36:48 They won't get in.

William Hanson 0:36:49 No. No, it'll be fine.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:36:50 I think I'm safe. Well, hasn't this been helpful?

William Hanson 0:36:53 This, you know, I've enjoyed the apocalypse more than I thought I would.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:36:56 Yes, it's almost something to look forward to.

William Hanson 0:36:59 Yes, isn't it?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:37:00 Really?

William Hanson 0:37:00 Roll on.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:37:01 Yeah, I think we'll leave it there for now. We will of course be back tomorrow for one of our bonus episodes where it looks like William's going to be bringing us up to date with his alarm system.

William Hanson 0:37:10 And other topics. We need to talk about my— the Eataly and Rodrigo's trip to Spain, but my own, because I've got a bit of news.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:37:19 Uh, oh. We'll be back tomorrow. Goodbye.