Sobbing Children and a Perplexed Daughter-In-Law

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:01:34 Hello, and welcome to The Luxury Podcast. My name's Jonathan Vernon-Smith, and with me is William Hanson. This is the podcast that helps you live a more luxury life.

William Hanson 0:01:52 Hello, Jonathan and I here to help you create everyday moments of luxury that make life worth living, whatever your budget.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:01:58 So welcome to another bonus episode of The Luxury Podcast, where William and I trade tips and stories from our own luxury lifestyles, as well as delving into our lovely great big mail sacks. So William, how's your week been?

William Hanson 0:02:11 I'm gonna rip the plaster off. We teased it at the end of yesterday's apocalyptic episode.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:16 Is this about the, uh, forthcoming Spanish holiday? Do I need to be sitting down for this?

William Hanson 0:02:22 Well, you are.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:23 Well, I am. That's lucky. Right.

William Hanson 0:02:25 The Balcony Europa's full.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:27 Oh my god, no! William. It's full.

William Hanson 0:02:33 Mhm.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:33 Oh, William. You see, I told you you should have booked it ages ago.

William Hanson 0:02:38 Yep.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:39 Now we're not going to get in the Balcony.

William Hanson 0:02:40 Should I write to them and ask to be on a cancellation list?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:46 Oh, is it completely full?

William Hanson 0:02:47 Won't allow me to book.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:49 Have you called them?

William Hanson 0:02:51 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:51 Call them.

William Hanson 0:02:52 Should we call them now?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:54 Call them now. Call the Balcon. Explain who you are.

William Hanson 0:02:59 I'm not doing that.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:02 Well, who are you going to tell them you are then?

William Hanson 0:03:05 I'm just a paying punter.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:06 Yeah. Have you got the number?

William Hanson 0:03:09 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:10 Phone them up. And ask for one of your nicer rooms.

William Hanson 0:03:15 With a sea view.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:17 With a sea view.

William Hanson 0:03:18 That's the hotel?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:19 That's the hotel, right.

William Hanson 0:03:20 Because I want to make sure I'm calling the right place.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:22 Right.

William Hanson 0:03:23 Contact.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:24 Now, if you need anyone to translate, Rodrigo is a fluent Spanish speaker. Oh.

Speaker F 0:03:32 Welcome to Balkan to Europa Hotel. We inform you that this call can be recorded for quality reasons.

William Hanson 0:03:37 Disso.

Speaker F 0:03:38 If you want to speak to reservation department, Please press 1. Nordic Beach Club, press 2. Reception, press 3.

William Hanson 0:03:44 Was that 1?

Speaker F 0:03:45 In other cases, please—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:46 Now, be charming, William.

Speaker F 0:03:49 Recepción, dígame. Le atiende Paula.

William Hanson 0:03:52 Oh, hello. Do you speak English?

Speaker F 0:03:54 Yes, I do. Hi.

William Hanson 0:03:56 Oh, hello. I was wondering if you have a room available in— The website doesn't seem to be working.

Speaker F 0:04:01 Let me see. Usually that's a Because we do not have— but allow me to check just in case. Which days would you like to come? It's— Mhm, until which date?

William Hanson 0:04:17 Checking out on— Okay. 3 nights.

Speaker F 0:04:21 Okay. Let's see.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:23 One of your better class rooms.

William Hanson 0:04:27 Ideally one of your better rooms.

Speaker F 0:04:29 The only room I have available for those days is— An interior room with no sea view and no balcony, and it's a bit narrow.

William Hanson 0:04:38 Oh, do you have a cancellation list for any of your better classrooms?

Speaker F 0:04:42 No, we always ask people to continue checking our website in case any cancellations come up.

William Hanson 0:04:48 Okay, and do you think it's likely that there would be a cancellation?

Speaker F 0:04:52 Normally we— I mean, we sometimes we have cancellations, but it's not often.

William Hanson 0:05:01 Oh.

Speaker F 0:05:01 Especially not when it's still nice weather. Maybe in winter we might get them, but—

William Hanson 0:05:06 Yeah. If— is there another hotel nearby you could recommend that is similar to the high-quality standard of yours?

Speaker F 0:05:14 Yeah, I would recommend you either the B—

William Hanson 0:05:19 Mm-hmm.

Speaker F 0:05:21 Or the—

William Hanson 0:05:22 Okay, lovely. Okay, I will try those. But thank you so much for your help. You've been very helpful.

Speaker F 0:05:30 Oh, thank you very much.

William Hanson 0:05:31 Thank you. Gracias. Thank you.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:33 Just imagine what you've missed out on.

William Hanson 0:05:37 I was so cross.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:39 Paula could have been there, your front of house, throughout your stay, providing you with an experience for a better class of podcast host. Have you at least left your reservation in Frigiliada?

William Hanson 0:05:52 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:53 Oh, thank goodness for that. Okay, well, we'll have to make the best of it.

William Hanson 0:05:57 What— well, what was wrong with the 2 hotels she suggested?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:59 Well, I didn't know what the first one was she said. Well,

William Hanson 0:06:02 the good news is we've recorded

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:03 that call as well.

William Hanson 0:06:08 I did think, should I be writing this down? I went, oh no, I've got the draft script.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:13 Oh, but she was lovely.

William Hanson 0:06:14 She was like, what a lovely level of service they give you at the Balcon de Riu Europa.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:18 Yeah, it's a shame you won't be there to enjoy it.

William Hanson 0:06:21 Well, I will be checking for cancellations.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:22 Well, I mean, we'll go there throughout our stay.

William Hanson 0:06:25 Here's what you could have won.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:26 Well, I will take you there. But I do like to go there for a coffee. I do like a coffee at the Balcon. Now look, can we just have a heart-to-heart?

William Hanson 0:06:36 Yep.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:37 What did I say to you when we first talked about going on holiday together?

William Hanson 0:06:41 This isn't a heart-to-heart, this is a telling off.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:42 I said to you, get yourself booked in the Balcon, didn't I? I said, you and the Balcon are a marriage made in heaven. Did you take any notice? No, you booked some hotel up in Frigiliana down a dirt track. By the time, and by the time you got around to booking the Hotel Balcón de Europa, it's all sold out.

William Hanson 0:07:07 Sorry. Well, it's clearly very popular.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:09 Well, yeah. Well,

William Hanson 0:07:12 they've got lots of rooms available at my hotel.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:16 I'm not surprised.

William Hanson 0:07:20 Yeah. So, there is that.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:23 Okay, well, we'll keep looking.

William Hanson 0:07:24 Yeah,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:25 yeah,

William Hanson 0:07:25 we'll

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:26 keep looking.

William Hanson 0:07:26 In other news, we have had our high-security alarm system round to do our

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:31 Oh, have

William Hanson 0:07:31 you? Fully serviced, passed with flying colours. Took very quick time because we're not a legacy system.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:37 There weren't many checks to do.

William Hanson 0:07:39 Yes. And I'm waiting for the shopping list of things that they can do for us.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:45 Now, you talked about a proximity tag or something. Yes.

William Hanson 0:07:48 So, currently, our cleaner does not— I mean, she does have the alarm codes, but she's very— she's alarm-shy. So, we normally don't put the alarm on. when she's coming, or if we're away for a week, we have to set a reminder on our phone to turn it off. And I know that's gonna go wrong one day. So, I said to Mikey— I wasn't actually there when we were being serviced— I said, could you ask them for— because our fobs are panic buttons as well.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:20 All right. This is just one of your, oh, look at my new smart system compared to your manky old legacy system.

William Hanson 0:08:27 I didn't want the cleaner to have a panic thing, because she's the sort of person that might press—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:31 She'd

William Hanson 0:08:32 panic. She would panic when she presses the wrong button. So I wanted something like an on/off for the alarm that she can— anyway, they don't do such a thing, but they do do a proximity tag. Now, I haven't actually asked Mikey how the proximity tags work, but I assume when you get close to the property, it turns it off. Or you come in and you wave it across the door.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:51 I was going to say, isn't that like my tags that I use? Maybe. Proximity tags.

William Hanson 0:08:54 Well, that's what I said to you yesterday. I said, is yours a proximity tag?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:57 Well, I don't know. I've never heard that expression. I just call it a fob.

William Hanson 0:09:00 Well, I've paid £11.08 for one.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:02 Oh, that would be like mine. Yeah, it just goes on the key ring and you touch it on the system.

William Hanson 0:09:07 Great.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:07 And it turns it off.

William Hanson 0:09:08 And does it turn it on again or not?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:09 Yes, you, you hold it on for about 2 seconds, then it starts it going.

William Hanson 0:09:13 Fine. Okay, great.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:15 Right, well, this is all very nice. And what other features are you having added?

William Hanson 0:09:19 Well, I don't know because I wasn't there, so I'm waiting for the shopping list. I want a camera out the front because we're also going to have a new front door. We had someone round the other day.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:27 Right. What are you going for?

William Hanson 0:09:29 One that opens. Call me old-fashioned.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:33 But you're going for solid timber?

William Hanson 0:09:35 Yes, hardwood, I think, so you can see the grain. I think that's right. Softwood, you can't see the grain. Hardwood, you can see the grain.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:43 Okay.

William Hanson 0:09:45 We are having stained glass.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:47 Will it be security reinforced?

William Hanson 0:09:50 What do you mean?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:51 2 and above British Standards.

William Hanson 0:09:52 Obviously.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:53 Okay.

William Hanson 0:09:53 The price we're probably going to pay, then yes. We're getting another company out to give another quote next week.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:58 I did send you, didn't I, the details for that company that do Downing Street's door?

William Hanson 0:10:02 Yes, you did.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:03 You did.

William Hanson 0:10:04 But I didn't think they did our sort of door.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:06 Oh,

William Hanson 0:10:07 I couldn't see on their website.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:09 They do security— no, no, I'm not talking about the company that made my front door. I'm talking about the company that make the Number 10 Downing Street door.

William Hanson 0:10:17 No, I don't think you sent me that.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:18 Yeah, that— oh, I found a company that can do steel-reinforced, high-gloss Downing Street-style doors, and I thought that—

William Hanson 0:10:27 I don't need gloss though. It is— that's very me, but I don't know if gloss might be not very in keeping with the style of property.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:34 Well,

William Hanson 0:10:35 I need a door that looks similar to next door's.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:36 Right, okay. Well, I'll— if I can find the company, I'll send them to you. I thought I'd sent that to you.

William Hanson 0:10:43 Where do you stand on a red front door? Red. Not sort of, you know, not Sexton red, sort of maroon, burgundy.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:53 Red front door, no knickers.

William Hanson 0:10:54 Thank you.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:55 That's what they say.

William Hanson 0:10:56 This is what— I'm not going to say who, but someone is suggesting. Not so keen.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:02 Oh, Mikey wants a red front door.

William Hanson 0:11:06 You may think that. I couldn't possibly comment.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:08 Colour is difficult though, to get it right.

William Hanson 0:11:12 You see, I want sort of a smart, sort of sagey Green.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:16 Yeah, that would look quite nice.

William Hanson 0:11:17 Similar to next door as well.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:19 What about a British racing green? Would you consider that?

William Hanson 0:11:22 Any form of green. And I'd rather have hazmat yellow than red, if I'm honest.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:28 Yeah, red, particularly a burgundy red. There's a lot of the cheap composite front doors coming in burgundy red.

William Hanson 0:11:37 And you know what the salesperson said to us when that was suggested? She went— and I thought this was the kiss of death, but I'm not sure Mikey picked up— she picked up on it, she went, yes, they're very popular at the moment. Say no more.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:50 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:11:50 No, no, absolutely not.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:52 And black you wouldn't have?

William Hanson 0:11:54 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:55 Why not?

William Hanson 0:11:56 No one has a black front door in my neck of the woods.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:58 Well, maybe you should start. I mean, black—

William Hanson 0:12:02 Gloss black?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:03 Yes.

William Hanson 0:12:03 No, not with stained glass. Okay. It looks very smart. It works for Downing Street. Why change it?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:11 What about a natural timber? What about a varnished timber?

William Hanson 0:12:16 Yeah, true. There are some sort of natural wood doors on our street.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:20 That could look very smart.

William Hanson 0:12:22 Yeah, we're going to go to the showroom and sort of have a look, and she's ordered some colour samples, although Mikey has approved all these colour samples, so I'm not sure until they turn up what we're going to get.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:31 Yeah, well, I would, I would think about that. I think your green is fine.

William Hanson 0:12:37 Even a blue, a dark blue, I would consider.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:41 Yeah, yes and no. Yes and no. Maybe—

William Hanson 0:12:46 Because yours is sort of a grey, anthracite grey.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:49 It's definitely not anthracite grey. As I mentioned to you before, I'm not a huge fan of anthracite grey now.

William Hanson 0:12:57 Well, what colour is it?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:57 I feel it's very, you know, 2015 anthracite grey.

William Hanson 0:13:02 That's not stopped you before.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:03 It's, uh, no, I like a Schwartz brown Schwarzbraun.

William Hanson 0:13:07 Are you brown?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:08 Schwarzbraun, yeah. Black-brown.

William Hanson 0:13:10 Okay, well, it— okay, so it looks blacky-black. Yeah, blacky-brown.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:13 Yeah, yeah, that's right. That's what I like. But I don't like— for me personally, I like that kind of dark— you know, a lot of my furniture is Schwarzbraun as well.

William Hanson 0:13:21 Is it? Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:22 Yeah, I like that black-brown furniture.

William Hanson 0:13:25 Lovely.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:25 With cream, I think it's very smart. Devilish, some would say.

William Hanson 0:13:29 Talking of devilish, you've been watching Rivals, I believe.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:32 Oh my word.

William Hanson 0:13:33 I haven't watched series 2 yet.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:35 Well, I'm only a few episodes into season 1.

William Hanson 0:13:38 Oh, you're on— so you've gone back?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:40 Well, I've never seen it before.

William Hanson 0:13:41 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:42 And I've started watching it, and I have to be honest, it's absolutely disgusting. It's absolutely disgusting. I'd heard about Jilly Cooper, um, being a bit of a goer, and it's— this programme is— it's just constant sex.

William Hanson 0:14:00 Yeah, there is a lot of it. Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:02 They're just constantly having sex, you know, in an aeroplane toilet, then in a Just constantly doing it, aren't they, on that programme?

William Hanson 0:14:11 But you're persevering with the series.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:13 Well, it's too much though. I find myself the whole time I'm watching it, I'm going, oh, here they go.

William Hanson 0:14:20 There is a bit of gay sex in it as well. It's quite, you know—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:23 There's too much sex in it. We don't need all that sex. Why are they doing all the sex? I want the storyline, not all the sex.

William Hanson 0:14:29 Yeah, well—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:31 Constant sex. There's no need for all that sex. There is no need for it.

William Hanson 0:14:37 I love your phone-in. Sorry, pivoting topics. I love the fact the other day you did an entire phone-in on Jane MacDonald.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:44 I did. It was a very successful phone-in. What made you think about that after the rivals and sex?

William Hanson 0:14:54 Just, I don't know, just when I don't imagine having sex with Jane MacDonald, just for clarity.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:00 Right. Yeah. Jay McDonald, hugely popular with my audience. Yeah. And I would imagine probably hugely popular with our audience on this podcast as well.

William Hanson 0:15:07 Yes, absolutely. Well, we, when we did our festivals episode, we said that she could headline Frig Fest.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:12 Right.

William Hanson 0:15:12 Because she was, she did Mighty Hoopla a few weeks ago now.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:16 Wow.

William Hanson 0:15:16 Yeah, apparently went down very well. And she did, and she did Apatow or whatever.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:20 Oh, Apatow.

William Hanson 0:15:21 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:22 By the way, we've had quite a few, um, Buckethead listeners on my radio programme.

William Hanson 0:15:26 How do you know they're Buckinghamshire?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:27 Well, because they tell the production team. Oh, okay. They say, oh, I listen to the Luxury Podcast. And my producers said, we can always tell when it's one of your podcast listeners.

William Hanson 0:15:39 Because they're not in the Three Counties?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:40 No, because they— well, that, and also they're just so lovely. They said, all of your podcast listeners are such lovely people. I said, well, are you surprised?

William Hanson 0:15:49 That's nice.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:50 We have listeners trained to and above British standards.

William Hanson 0:15:54 Well, well done, listeners.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:55 Yes. Yeah. So, I love it when Bucketheads, phone into my radio programme and listen. I love it.

William Hanson 0:17:56 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:11 Welcome back, Bucketheads. We're going to start reading your questions, so let's dive into our heaving bags of post, shall we? Do remember, if there's something on your mind that needs a luxury touch, postman@luxurypodcast.co.uk is the place for your queries and questions, open 24 hours a day,

William Hanson 0:18:29 but not monitored 24

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:30 hours a day, unlike our alarm

William Hanson 0:18:32 systems.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:32 The emergency services.

William Hanson 0:18:34 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:34 The luxury service.

William Hanson 0:18:36 This is from Abi, with a Y. Dear William and Jonathan, I recently hosted a leaving party which has caused a bit of a dilemma for me.

William Hanson 0:18:43 Many people very generously bought me a gift, and I of course would like to send a thank you card. However, I don't have their address, and now that I have moved away, I will not be seeing them anytime soon to hand deliver them. For context, I am 25, and so sending letters is not really something my generation do, but I want to do it because I think it's important to carry these meaningful touches on. In your opinion, is a thank you text good enough, or is sending a letter or card more appropriate? Also, how do you go about asking for the addresses of people whose house you have never visited?

William Hanson 0:19:12 I feel as though texting and asking them might be a bit weird or get their expectations up that I'll be sending them a gift. It would be greatly appreciated if you could help me teach us Gen Zs on how to build up our address book without coming across like weirdos. Kind regards, Abby.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:25 Well, if you haven't got their address, surely you're going to have to text them.

William Hanson 0:19:30 Yes, or you text them and say, thank you very much for the gift. I would like to send you a proper thank-you letter. Would you feel comfortable providing me with your postal address? And if they say no, then fine. And say, would you have an email? And I'll write you our email.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:45 Oh, it's all sounding a bit stalkery though. Sounds a bit desperate, doesn't

William Hanson 0:19:49 it?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:50 Can I have your email? Your Snapchat? What's your Instagram handle? You know, I think, um, you've got to be a little bit careful, haven't you?

William Hanson 0:19:59 Yeah. Or if they say no, then you, then you just respond with, well, you know, please accept this text as, as my token of my sincere thanks. It was such a lovely gesture.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:07 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:20:08 Or you could just text them. I mean, I'm obviously going to advocate for a proper handwritten thank you letter.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:13 Yeah,

William Hanson 0:20:14 yeah,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:15 yeah. But I think a text will be fine.

William Hanson 0:20:17 And if they're colleagues, then I think that's fine versus a friend. I mean, I think if a friend doesn't want you to know where they live, that is odd.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:25 Yeah,

William Hanson 0:20:25 but a colleague, I can see why there is a little bit of professional distance.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:29 Yeah. Bradley's been in touch, William. He says, dear William and Jonathan, thank you so much for your podcast. Most people around me From my mother to my boyfriend, of course. Oh, Bradley, you devil. Think I'm absolutely mad for listening. Oh, how rude.

William Hanson 0:20:46 Change your boyfriend.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:47 But I have never felt quite so at home when listening to your dulcet tones each week. In the words of the youth, I've never felt more seen. Oh, welcome. I spend a lot of time thinking about planning an executive funeral even though I'm 31 years young, and I'd be grateful for your advice.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:09 Are horse-drawn hearses luxury or common? On the one hand, the addition of a horse to any occasion adds an aristocratic ambience. I'm thinking polo, the local Boxing Day hunt meeting, and of course, Royal Ascot. However, I would rather not use the same mode of funereal transport as Peggy Mitchell and Pat Butcher.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:35 Common. I also noted that even Her Late Majesty Queen Elizabeth, her, her funeral gun carriage was not drawn by any horses,

William Hanson 0:21:45 just men.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:47 Please help with this conundrum as soon as possible in case I should peg out prematurely or have the misfortune of coming across one of the many Bucketheads who seem to have a dark preoccupation with murder. Keep going with this excellent podcast, it's the highlight of my week. Kind regards, Bradley from Harrogate.

William Hanson 0:22:04 Well, yeah, you are right. The late Queen did not have horses. She had members of the armed services, possibly off the top of my head, the Navy, that drew the carriage. I would say horses are a no for your funeral.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:20 They can do big plops.

William Hanson 0:22:22 Well, there is that.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:24 The trouble with a horse, as— imagine you're being towed away, from the house, and all of a sudden, a projectile plop comes straight out of one of the back of one of the horses. It's not a luxury look, and that's always the risky face.

William Hanson 0:22:40 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:41 Plus, um, I don't know. I mean, horses are horses.

William Hanson 0:22:47 All the sort of silly plumes they put on and the feathers and the— no, no, no, no. It does, it does look a bit, um, common.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:57 I—

William Hanson 0:22:57 there's no way of sugarcoating that.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:58 I always— so, when my mother died, um, I was very keen that her hearse and the limousine was Rolls-Royce, and it was a lovely— it was a kind of old Rolls-Royce, very, very smart, and I think that was very— that was very fitting. I would like a Volvo, and I did look it up, and there are some funeral directors across the UK that have a A Volvo hearse.

William Hanson 0:23:25 Any in the Three Counties area?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:27 No, I couldn't. I'm gonna have to get it shipped down from the north. But, um, they have a Volvo hearse and a Volvo limousine.

William Hanson 0:23:34 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:34 And I just think that that gives a more JVS luxury twist.

William Hanson 0:23:39 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:39 And I'd like, as I've said before, I'd like a couple of mourning children in front of the Volvo leading the way.

William Hanson 0:23:46 Crying.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:46 Crying, sobbing.

William Hanson 0:23:48 Your niece and nephew.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:50 How perfect. Yes, yes, they will be leading the way as the Volvo comes up, and there I am in a simple and classy coffin.

William Hanson 0:23:59 But you're not going to have any flowers that say JVS, are you?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:02 Definitely no, no flowers that say JVS.

William Hanson 0:24:05 No,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:05 just maybe a very small arrangement on the top that you could oversee.

William Hanson 0:24:10 Yes,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:11 I'd have confidence that you'd do something simple and classy.

William Hanson 0:24:14 Tasteful. But fitting.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:16 Yeah, but definitely no horses.

William Hanson 0:24:18 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:18 No plops for me.

William Hanson 0:24:20 No. This is from Perplexed Daughter-in-Law. Dear William and Jonathan, I wonder if you could help me navigate a rather delicate mother-in-law issue.

William Hanson 0:24:27 Whenever my husband and I visit my in-laws, my mother-in-law insists on handling all the cooking, serving, and clearing up herself. When I offer to help, she almost always declines. Ordinarily, this wouldn't bother me, except that she seems visibly flustered and put upon while serving everyone. In an effort to be useful, I've recently stopped asking and started helping proactively, setting the table, pouring Unfortunately, my in-laws are creatures of habit to an extraordinary degree. They have multiple sets of cutlery, glasses, and plates, and each prefers different ones.

William Hanson 0:24:57 More than once, I have laid the table incorrectly, only for my mother-in-law to sigh, get up, and rearrange everything. Rather than laughing it off as one of their quirks, she appears genuinely irritated.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:06 Oh God.

William Hanson 0:25:07 I'm left feeling both inadequate and confused. Part of me thinks I should simply stop helping if my efforts only create more work. Yet another part worries that standing back entirely would seem rude and ungrateful. How would you handle this? Yours faithfully, perplexed daughter-in-law.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:20 Oh, your mother-in-law sounds like a monster.

William Hanson 0:25:23 Yeah, but equally perplexed. You've tried helping, she's declining it. Stop. I think you shouldn't feel— you obviously want to help, you're being nice, that's lovely. And I think with family, you can offer to help more than, let's say, going around to a friend's house for dinner, where you can offer, but probably the friend's got it all under control. But family, probably there is a little bit more sharing of the labour. But you've tried, they've said no, they're clearly getting annoyed about it for whatever silly reason. Move on. Sit there, do nothing.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:56 I think I'd have to make a little sarcastic comment.

William Hanson 0:25:58 Oh, really?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:59 I think I'd say— let's imagine she's called Maureen, and I'd say, Maureen, I'd love to help you lay the table, but I've noticed I always use the wrong cutlery, much to your irritation. Do you want me to help or not?

William Hanson 0:26:13 Wow. Direct. Or you could say, Maureen, I'd like to set the table. Which set of cutlery would you like

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:18 me to use today? You could do that.

William Hanson 0:26:20 That's a slightly more polite version.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:22 Yeah, but then aren't you basically just letting Maureen call the shots? She sounds like—

William Hanson 0:26:26 Well, it's her house!

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:27 Sounds like a pain in the neck.

William Hanson 0:26:28 Yeah, but it is her house.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:29 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:26:31 In her slight defence.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:32 Well, that's true. Okay, we'll go with your mode for family, you know,

William Hanson 0:26:38 unity.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:38 Unity. Absolutely.

William Hanson 0:26:39 Or you just sort of sit on the sofa and say, If you need me to do anything, let me know. Yeah. And you leave it at that.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:46 I'm happy to help, Maureen, but I always seem to get on your nerves. So maybe I'll just sit watching Cash in the Attic.

William Hanson 0:26:52 I'm not a psychologist, but I would say there's probably more at play here than just using the wrong set of cutlery at the table.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:57 Oh gosh. Well, I think that's more than enough luxury for this week, William.

William Hanson 0:27:01 Yes, I think so.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:02 We've given an awful lot this week.

William Hanson 0:27:03 We have, haven't we? Some of us more than others.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:05 Oh, you really have. We will, of course, be back next Wednesday.

William Hanson 0:27:11 You— oh, you're going on holiday, aren't you? You're going to the Balkan.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:15 I'm going to the Balkan.

William Hanson 0:27:16 Plead with them.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:16 I'm not going to the Balkan, actually, but—

William Hanson 0:27:18 Well, can you go via the Balkan? Storm their doors. You tell them who I am. I can't say,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:25 right?

William Hanson 0:27:25 Because that would be immodest. Say, I've got my luxury podcast co-presenter coming. We've plugged you to death on this podcast. Please. He wants an exterior room with a sea view.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:37 I will— I'll do my best, but I can't guarantee.

William Hanson 0:27:39 I don't want some narrow interior room.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:41 No, you definitely don't want one of those.

William Hanson 0:27:43 That sounds like a prison cell.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:45 Remember when we first talked about it and I sent you the link for the room that you should book?

William Hanson 0:27:49 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:49 Whatever happened to that, William?

William Hanson 0:27:51 Well, I've been busy!

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:52 I think we'll leave it there for now. We'll see you next Wednesday. For now, goodbye!