The Afterlife

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:01:09 Hello and welcome to The Luxury Podcast. My name's Jonathan Vernon-Smith, and with me is William Hanson. This is the podcast that helps you live a more luxury life.

William Hanson 0:01:20 Hello, Jonathan and I are here to help you create the everyday moments of luxury that make life worth living, whatever your budget.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:01:25 In each episode of The Luxury Podcast, William and I tackle an area of life that we think you should upgrade. Sorting the ornslows from the hyacinths, advising the nation in gracious living. So William, what are we going to talk about today?

William Hanson 0:01:39 We're going to talk about the afterlife.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:01:42 Oh.

William Hanson 0:01:42 Now, this was something that came up in our apocalyptic episode from only a few weeks ago. We've had some feedback on

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:01:50 that

William Hanson 0:01:51 from someone called Paul. Hello, Paul. Who says, this was your worst episode so far. I love you and William's work normally, no apostrophe, but this was a nonsense subject and led to nonsense chatter. Please can normal service be resumed ASAP? Whoever proposed this episode should be shot. Thank you. I'll let you know. I shot my brother.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:10 Oh my word, you've just thrown your brother under the bus. Yep.

William Hanson 0:02:14 So, James is dead. He has gone to the afterlife, which is fitting because that's what we're talking about. So, Paul, enjoy this episode.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:22 And the thing is, Paul, I mean, we'll be having the last laugh should we face an apocalypse.

William Hanson 0:02:28 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:28 At least we'll be prepared.

William Hanson 0:02:29 Indeed.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:30 You know, you've poo-poo-pooed it. You've poo-pooed it. Mm-hmm. And we're now prepared.

William Hanson 0:02:42 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:43 Ready.

William Hanson 0:02:43 So, the apocalypse has happened.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:46 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:02:46 We then have an afterlife. Do you generally— I mean, for the benefit of today's episode, we're going to assume there is an afterlife, but forgetting today's episode, do you believe in an afterlife?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:56 No. Right. Do you?

William Hanson 0:03:00 I would say I'm agnostic, not atheist on this. I'd like to think there might be something.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:05 Yeah, well, it's best not to dwell on it too much.

William Hanson 0:03:10 Pond court in the sky.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:11 Yeah, yeah. I mean, there's— the more you think about it, the chances of this being it is probably slim. There might be something more, but whether it's an afterlife, you know, In terms of there we are on a cloud telling one another funny stories and meeting, you know, Auntie Dorian who died 20 years ago. I'm not sure that it's going to be like that, to be honest.

William Hanson 0:03:37 Okay, that's fine. So does an afterlife count as heaven or hell? Is that counting as the afterlife?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:44 Oh, now we are being complex, aren't we?

William Hanson 0:03:48 Yeah, philosophical.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:49 Yeah. Um, well, I'd like to think there is a hell. I'd like to think that.

William Hanson 0:03:55 Because it's for a special type of person.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:57 A lot of people should be there, shouldn't they? Let's be honest.

William Hanson 0:04:02 Yep.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:02 Jeffrey Dahmer. I mean, I hope someone's there drilling his brain, you know. Call me sadistic, but there you have it.

William Hanson 0:04:09 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:10 You know, be nice to think that the people who've done awful things in life are there suffering forever.

William Hanson 0:04:18 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:20 Wow, it's taken a dark twist already. Do you believe in hell?

William Hanson 0:04:28 Um, well, the heat wave a few weeks ago was pretty hellish, but no, I don't think so. I don't think I believe in sort of the binary. I think heaven and hell is too binary,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:40 right?

William Hanson 0:04:40 One or the other. I would say I do sort of think or hope there might be just something.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:46 Oh,

William Hanson 0:04:47 a bit like life now, you know, the world, there are hellish spots and hellish things, but I wouldn't say, you know, Earth is not split into heaven and hell. It's just, you know, it all intermixes. You could walk past a door and not know what's behind it, sort of thing.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:01 I see.

William Hanson 0:05:02 So, I'd like to think there is maybe something, but then equally, not one of my greatest fears, but the concept of whatever you go on to next, literally never ends, and you are just constantly— it just— that sounds exhausting. Like, I do actually, the older I get, think, oh, okay, there will actually be an end. I don't want the end to happen, but—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:29 You'll be ready for it.

William Hanson 0:05:31 Probably by then I might be.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:32 You'll be very tired.

William Hanson 0:05:34 But the thought of just forever living, So, one of my favourite musicals on Broadway, and I quite like the film as well, Death Becomes Her. They take a potion, they live forever. And no, I couldn't do that. Could you live forever?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:51 Well, it depends what living is in the afterlife. You know, what does that actually mean?

William Hanson 0:05:58 Do you— I would like to say that maybe in the afterlife you come back as whatever period of your life you'd like to come back in? So, if you go '30s, for example.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:08 Oh, yeah.

William Hanson 0:06:09 I'll come back in the '30s.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:10 Well, I'd quite like to come back in the '90s, actually. I don't mean age— In your '90s? I don't mean age 90s, but, you know, I'd quite like to, uh, to go through the '90s again.

William Hanson 0:06:18 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:19 That was a good era, the '90s.

William Hanson 0:06:21 And you were how old then?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:23 Uh, well, that would have been my teenage years.

William Hanson 0:06:26 Oh, you want to do your— want to do my teenage years again?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:28 No, no, no, not, not as me as a, as a teenager. Oh, I see. But the era. I liked the '90s. Yeah. You would have You would have loved them. The furnishings were so up your street. Lots of floral fabrics and chintz. Okay. You would have loved it.

William Hanson 0:06:43 So, is your heaven the '90s? Does your heaven, your afterlife, look like the '90s?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:50 Yeah, let's say—

William Hanson 0:06:50 Does it look like Hyacinth Bouquet's sitting room?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:52 For the purposes of this discussion, yes.

William Hanson 0:06:55 Okay, nice.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:56 It's basically— think Hyacinth Bouquet's house.

William Hanson 0:06:59 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:59 That's heaven.

William Hanson 0:07:01 Nice.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:01 Okay.

William Hanson 0:07:02 That's lovely.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:02 Yeah. A little bit of panelling, wallpaper, floral wallpaper.

William Hanson 0:07:07 That matches the bedding.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:08 Floral furniture. That's right. Um, that kind of look.

William Hanson 0:07:13 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:14 That's what it's going to consist of. Warming, comforting.

William Hanson 0:07:17 Comforting. Yeah. Okay. That's quite nice. And if in the afterlife, you might come back into this life as a ghost, Would you haunt anyone?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:27 Oh.

William Hanson 0:07:28 I'm not going to say, who would you put the willies up?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:31 Because that is such an obvious thing. So obvious, yeah. Who would I like to haunt? No, I don't think I'd waste my time, to be honest. I think—

William Hanson 0:07:44 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:44 I don't—

William Hanson 0:07:45 There's not like a boss or a former boss that you didn't like, or—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:48 There've been lots of people I haven't liked in life. But, you know, when I'm dead, and if there is this afterlife where I'm living in Isla Bouguer's house in Bingley Woods, I'm not going to waste my energy, you know, being negative to people that are still here.

William Hanson 0:08:04 Talking of Bingley Woods, actually, sort of sidebar, one of my castmates of Titanic is from Bingley Woods.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:09 Really?

William Hanson 0:08:09 Yeah, that was quite exciting.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:11 Wow.

William Hanson 0:08:11 Yeah,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:12 probably far too young to remember. No, no, he—

William Hanson 0:08:15 yeah, he was far too young for when it was filmed, but knows, you know, knows that that is there.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:20 Yeah. I'm not sure I would bother coming back and haunting people. Would you? I mean, you've got a— there's a revenge side to me.

William Hanson 0:08:29 There is a revenge side to me, yes. I don't know who I would haunt because I'm going to assume most of my friends will be dead at the similar sort of time. So then who am I coming back to haunt? Unless something tragic happens and I go, Early. If

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:47 somebody murdered me, you know, then I'd come back.

William Hanson 0:08:50 Oh yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:51 Oh, I'd haunt them. I'd haunt them and their family. Yeah.

William Hanson 0:08:55 I might murder you after you've slept me up all those steps in Frigiliana. And not allowing me to stay with you.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:02 No, but that— okay, well, I'm gonna have to now explain, aren't I, why you're not staying. There's no more rooms available.

William Hanson 0:09:10 I feel like Mary and Joseph.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:11 That's why you're not going to be staying with me. The villa that I stay in is very small. Bijou compact. Luxuriously compact. Attractively compact. So there's not room for you, William.

William Hanson 0:09:25 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:25 And I couldn't have you on a sofa bed. I just couldn't.

William Hanson 0:09:28 No. Oh no, I don't know. Please.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:29 No,

William Hanson 0:09:30 no, life's too short for that.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:31 Exactly.

William Hanson 0:09:32 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:32 So I think it's better for you to have your own accommodation.

William Hanson 0:09:34 Say, did you believe in the afterlife?

Speaker F 0:09:37 No, I think like you, I believe something else is out there, or else there's too much pressure on this life to think this is it.

William Hanson 0:09:44 But I don't think— this is very philosophical— I don't think whatever's out there, whatever is next, I don't think we all sort of like, we sort of will turn up and I would meet, well, you, because you'll go before me, that sort of thing. You

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:01 don't know that. I had a grandmother that lived to 100.

William Hanson 0:10:05 Sure.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:06 You know, I'm only 46. So, I could be here a long time.

William Hanson 0:10:10 Pause for the listeners' gasps.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:17 Um, anyway, you'll miss me when I'm gone.

William Hanson 0:10:19 Oh yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:20 You'll, you know, you will be devastated when I'm gone.

William Hanson 0:10:22 I miss you when you leave the room.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:23 Oh, of course.

William Hanson 0:10:26 Um, but no, I think you sort of go up to wherever there is.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:30 Oh, you're going up, are you?

William Hanson 0:10:33 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:33 Right.

William Hanson 0:10:34 And then you just meet whoever's up there, but it's not necessarily the people that you have known down here.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:38 Oh.

William Hanson 0:10:39 It's just other people you maybe meet, and you might run into, oh, it's you.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:42 The strange thing— so, I'm gonna say something that is a bit weird and a bit personal, but I'm going to tell you now because I've lost a few relatives. My mother, my grandparents, I've lost them all. And something that every single one of them has demonstrated, and I've heard that this is quite typical, is that very often when people are at the very end of their life, they start to see people that have gone before them.

William Hanson 0:11:13 Got it.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:13 Parents, uh, people like that. And all of my relatives at the end of their life have kind of either said they can see those people in the room or have kind of reached out for them. And I've said, who are you reaching for? And they've said a person's name. Now, that's a bit creepy, isn't it? Because you think, oh, that's quite consistent. And you hear that a lot with people who are dying.

William Hanson 0:11:36 Gosh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:37 And apparently it's— well, people who believe in all this kind of stuff say it's the relative who comes to kind of get them and take them on the journey, you see. So, if that's true, that's quite nice, isn't it? You know, you might find Granny will come and get you.

William Hanson 0:11:52 Oh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:52 And you'll be there, and Granny will turn up. She'll say, come on, William, I've got plenty of etiquette books where you're going. So, that's quite nice, isn't it, the thought of that?

William Hanson 0:12:03 That's nice. I think it is comforting to know that there might be something.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:07 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:12:08 Not to make me excited for death, but—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:10 You're now looking forward to seeing Granny, aren't you?

William Hanson 0:12:14 Yeah, that would— I mean, that would, you know, it's a bonus, isn't it?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:18 Well, if it happens, it's something nice, isn't it?

William Hanson 0:12:21 And if not, you don't know any different.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:23 If not, you won't know any different.

William Hanson 0:12:24 At the end of that. No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:25 Yeah, quite right too.

William Hanson 0:12:26 Okay. And do you believe in ghosts generally? Because, of course, okay, but your grandmother's hotel was haunted.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:33 Well, I mean, yeah, so they say. But my grandmother lived and worked there for some time, and she said, I never saw a ghost.

William Hanson 0:12:43 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:43 But my grandmother was not a— that particular grandmother was certainly not a believer. She used to say, you know, she used to talk about pushing the daisies, pushing up the daisies. I'll be pushing up the daisies. Once you're dead, that's it. You just push up the daisies.

William Hanson 0:12:56 Right.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:56 That's it. So, um, but even she—

William Hanson 0:12:59 I'm going to push up the pansies.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:00 Well, of course you will. Even she, when she was, you know, very unwell at the end of her life, and she was kind of, you know, reaching for something very strange.

William Hanson 0:13:10 Daisies.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:10 Reaching for the daisies.

Speaker F 0:13:12 So, Jonathan, could you happily stay in a haunted house without feeling the need to look behind doors and under beds? So you can have a pleasant night's sleep.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:25 Well, probably, but then aren't haunted houses normally chosen—

Speaker F 0:13:31 Booby-trapped.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:31 Because they're kind of scary-looking places? Well,

Speaker F 0:13:36 there's normally like stories of people who have died there or—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:40 Oh no, that's all— that's—

William Hanson 0:13:41 do you know what we should do? And this shouldn't leave this room. I say this shouldn't leave this room where it's about to be broadcast. We should somehow pretend that you were here working late at night. This office block is haunted. And tell the rest of the office that there's a ghost, and start a rumour that there's a ghost in this building.

Speaker F 0:14:01 Let's do it.

William Hanson 0:14:02 I think that would be quite funny.

Speaker F 0:14:03 Well, a couple people in the office today admitted to never listening to the pod, so…

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:07 To our pod?

Speaker F 0:14:08 Yeah, I know.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:08 How rude!

William Hanson 0:14:10 Name and shame. Name and shame.

Speaker F 0:14:12 Rosie? And James?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:15 Well, I have no idea who they are, so—

William Hanson 0:14:17 Well, you met Rosie. James. James is— he fits the criteria for our listeners.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:29 Really?

William Hanson 0:14:30 Yeah, let's put it that way.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:32 Well, what a surprise.

William Hanson 0:14:34 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:34 Well, we should do something to put the willies up James. Let's tell him that the studio has been haunted by the ghost of Charles Hawtrey.

William Hanson 0:14:46 That is such an old reference. I think we start a rumour there's the studio ghost.

Speaker F 0:14:53 Have you seen a ghost, William?

William Hanson 0:14:56 There's— in Studio A, the other studio, there's this sort of pale figure walking around, but actually it turns out that's Sophie. Dead behind the eyes. No, I'm sorry, I'm being a wicked old tease.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:17 You are, aren't you? Yeah. Well, I've never seen a ghost, nor do I believe there's any chance of seeing a ghost.

William Hanson 0:15:29 Maybe Jonathan and I should go on a ghost hunt. Oh no, you were taken on one recently, weren't you?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:34 I've done one. Yeah, they took me on this thing. They put this special ghost thing in my ears, and I was supposed to listen to ghosts. It just sounded like someone hadn't tuned Heart in. That's all it was. I don't think I'm a very open person.

William Hanson 0:15:52 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:52 You know, I think a ghost would find it very hard to penetrate me because I'm kind of, I'm quite a kind of closed book, aren't I, really?

William Hanson 0:16:02 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:03 I don't believe in all that nonsense.

William Hanson 0:16:05 No. No. Okay. Or we could, we could get a Ouija board.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:11 No, I don't think we should do that. Because some people— yeah, but some people are very funny about all that, aren't they?

William Hanson 0:16:18 Yeah, but you're not. I'm not.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:19 No. Well, let's do it now.

William Hanson 0:16:25 Is anybody there?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:25 Bang twice.

William Hanson 0:16:34 Haven't got the energy.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:36 What would you quite like to exist in the afterlife? Is there a thing or a place?

William Hanson 0:16:50 Why are you laughing?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:50 Because I know you so well. I know exactly what you're thinking.

William Hanson 0:16:55 What was I gonna say? Hmm?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:58 I don't think I need to spell it out, do I?

William Hanson 0:17:01 Yeah, I would like it just to be one big continuous production of Mary Poppins the Musical.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:06 Would you really?

William Hanson 0:17:07 I can just sort of sit and watch and be happy, and then it just starts, you know, have a little bit of a break, and then maybe go for a nice dinner.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:13 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:17:13 Come back, watch it again.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:14 That's the thing. I really hope that alcohol and food exists.

William Hanson 0:17:19 I know, I think it would just go through you. I think if we're going to be ghosts or some sort of spectrally being, you just drink it and— I don't think you have to do that.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:27 I really like eating and drinking.

William Hanson 0:17:29 I know.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:31 And I think it would be such a shame if in the afterlife I can't do that.

Speaker F 0:17:36 But if it goes through you, you could eat and eat and eat and drink and drink and drink, and nothing would happen.

William Hanson 0:17:41 Oh yeah, there is that.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:42 That's true.

William Hanson 0:17:43 Maybe that's the difference between the reality and the afterlife, is whilst you might live on in some form, you're not The things that we enjoy— food, drink— actually, you don't have that. You do live on, but the compromise is you actually don't need food and drink to survive because you are this sort of ethereal being.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:02 Oh my God, what was his name, the bloke who criticised? He's going to be loving this.

William Hanson 0:18:14 Paul.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:15 Paul, this one's just for you today.

William Hanson 0:18:22 Paul, you might have a point with this episode.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:24 Yes. Oh dear. Oh, oh, I better get that.

William Hanson 0:18:32 We still have phones in the afterlife.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:33 Yeah, I better get that. It must be someone very important.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:52 Welcome back, Bucketheads. We've been discussing the afterlife, and it's now time for your questions. So let's check out our heaving bags of post, shall we? Do remember, if there's something on your mind that needs a luxury touch, postman@luxurypodcast.co.uk is the place for your queries and your questions.

William Hanson 0:22:17 This is from Yvonne. Hello Jonathan and William. As a small child of maybe 5, I remember having to sleep in my beloved Nana's bed with one of— with her one night when I assumed my parents were out carousing. I was terrified as my grandfather had died of a heart attack on the very same bed not long before, and Nana claimed he would appear to her in the night. As much as I may have cared for him, I did not want to have a ghostly reunion in the dark. Have you ever had a spectral encounter? No. This is from Alison.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:42 There's a lot to unpick there.

William Hanson 0:22:52 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:53 I'm not sure whether I would ever have wanted to share a bed with my grandmothers.

William Hanson 0:22:57 No, but I think Yvonne is a girl, so I guess Like mothers and daughters sharing is sort of slightly more normal than—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:04 Really?

William Hanson 0:23:05 Yeah,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:06 well,

William Hanson 0:23:06 I would say.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:07 Alison says, hello William and Jonathan. Having pondered many a time on reincarnation, I've always fancied returning as a bird. Is this, you may ask, because I wish to be able to soar above the earth, keeping watch over the loved ones I've left behind, or perhaps to relish the freedom of the wind beneath my wings? No, rather that I have a devilish desire to be able to poop and defecate— insert as appropriate— on anyone who's been unkind to me during my earthly existence. What, I wonder, would you both like to return as? Regards to you both, Alison.

William Hanson 0:23:44 Okay, well, I'm going to take human off the table because that would be my option, is to return as a human.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:49 Would you? What, you come back and do it all over again as a human?

William Hanson 0:23:53 Yeah. But born somewhere nice, you know.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:57 Oh gosh.

William Hanson 0:23:58 Why?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:59 I think—

William Hanson 0:23:59 would you not want to come back as an Australian?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:01 No, once is quite enough.

William Hanson 0:24:02 Do it again as a woman or something?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:03 No, once is quite enough.

William Hanson 0:24:06 Oh,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:06 I don't need to go around again.

William Hanson 0:24:08 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:08 Definitely not. No. Would you really want to come back and do it all over again?

William Hanson 0:24:12 I'd do it differently.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:14 Would you? Yeah. What would you do differently?

William Hanson 0:24:16 I'd do school differently. If I was doing my exact same life again, I'd just tell everyone at school to go away.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:25 Oh, right.

William Hanson 0:24:27 At certain points.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:28 Right.

William Hanson 0:24:29 I'd be like, no, I'm not doing that.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:30 Well, yeah, but you might come back as somebody—

William Hanson 0:24:33 That's the thing.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:34 Irritating.

William Hanson 0:24:35 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:35 Or, you know, not very likeable.

William Hanson 0:24:38 True.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:39 I mean, you've been lucky. You've come, you know, as quite a nice person, haven't you, really?

William Hanson 0:24:43 Yeah, you could come back, yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:44 You know.

William Hanson 0:24:45 Or I could be You know, yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:48 Hitler.

William Hanson 0:24:49 Yeah,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:50 come back as Hitler. Gaddafi.

William Hanson 0:24:53 Yes, or one of Gaddafi's taps.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:55 Winnie Mandela. Okay, so

William Hanson 0:24:58 if we're coming back as an animal, what animal are you coming back as?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:02 A cat.

William Hanson 0:25:02 Oh, why?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:04 Cats have the best life. I speak from experience, having had a cat. Who lived to 17, and his life was the dog's doobris.

William Hanson 0:25:16 And is a cat's life like a dog's, like, you know, dog years longer? Is it— do cats have a similar thing? Like, he's 17 in human years, but actually in a cat age, he was—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:27 Oh, he would've been— 17 is a pretty good age for a cat.

William Hanson 0:25:31 Oh no, it's a very good age.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:32 Yeah. Yeah. But he just had, he had a great life. I used to often walk in and he had a lovely— you can imagine my cat had a beaut— do you remember his bed?

William Hanson 0:25:41 Yep.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:41 He had a lovely furry bed.

William Hanson 0:25:43 Like a snood, wasn't it?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:45 It was, and it was kind of the same colouring as him. And he'd, he'd luxuriate in his bed, and he'd have these big fluffy feet just hanging out the edge. And you kind of say, you alright, Pip? And he'd open an eye and look at you, and then he'd go back to sleep. And I just used to think, that's a life.

William Hanson 0:26:02 Oh, but I don't want to spend most of my life asleep. However, I think what I would like to come back as— they probably do spend a lot of time Static or sleep.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:09 Why? What would you come back as?

William Hanson 0:26:11 Let's play a guessing game, mainly because we have to drag this episode out.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:15 What are you going to come back as?

William Hanson 0:26:19 Ask me some questions. I can only answer yes or no.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:21 Okay.

William Hanson 0:26:22 It's an animal.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:23 Is it a big animal? Yes. Is it a horse?

William Hanson 0:26:27 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:27 Is it a donkey? No. Is it A lion?

William Hanson 0:26:34 No. Why don't you ask me things like, where— like, is it found in this environment?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:39 Because you said you could only answer yes or no.

William Hanson 0:26:42 Yes. Is it— look, is it—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:44 yes.

William Hanson 0:26:45 Is it found in—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:46 Oh, okay.

William Hanson 0:26:47 A farm? Yes or no, for example.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:49 Okay. Would you find this animal in a zoo?

William Hanson 0:26:53 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:54 Ah. Is this animal native to the United Kingdom?

William Hanson 0:26:59 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:00 Oh, would you find this animal on a safari?

William Hanson 0:27:02 Yes. That's a complicated one, but I'm going to just say yes for ease. Depends where the safari was.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:13 Would you find this animal in Africa? Yes. Are you an elephant?

William Hanson 0:27:21 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:21 Oh,

William Hanson 0:27:23 actually, that's quite a good one to come back as. That'd be my B option.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:27 An elephant. Yeah, they're quite big gentle giants, aren't they really?

William Hanson 0:27:30 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:31 Not many things can kill an elephant.

William Hanson 0:27:33 No, just poachers.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:35 Human beings.

William Hanson 0:27:36 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:37 So, you know, it's quite a good one. Are you a hippopotamus?

William Hanson 0:27:40 No, but you're in the right sort of terrain.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:44 Rhinoceros?

William Hanson 0:27:46 No, i.e., water.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:48 Oh, you're in the water, are you?

William Hanson 0:27:50 Predominantly.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:50 Are you a Sea lion?

William Hanson 0:27:54 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:54 Oh, you're a dolphin, aren't you? No. No. You're living in the water.

William Hanson 0:28:02 Predominantly.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:03 Predominantly.

William Hanson 0:28:04 I think this answer will surprise you, but I'm slightly obsessed with these animals.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:08 Are you a penguin?

William Hanson 0:28:10 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:10 Oh no, they're not big.

Speaker F 0:28:12 Are you a crocodile?

William Hanson 0:28:13 Alligator.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:14 Ugh, why would you want to be an alligator? They're horrible. I'd like to kill them all. With a big knife. I'm sorry, I don't know where that came from.

William Hanson 0:28:22 Wow.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:24 Well,

William Hanson 0:28:24 tell you, come to my zoo.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:26 I hate alligators and crocodiles.

William Hanson 0:28:28 I think there's something— I'm obsessed with watching videos of alligators.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:32 Oh no.

William Hanson 0:28:32 More so than crocodiles.

Speaker F 0:28:34 Are they the small ones or the big ones?

William Hanson 0:28:35 So, the difference is crocodiles have a narrower snout, and alligators have a wider snout.

Speaker F 0:28:40 Okay.

William Hanson 0:28:41 But I like Florida.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:43 Yeah, there's loads there.

William Hanson 0:28:46 Horrible. And they're close to Disney. And I can just like, you know, potter around.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:51 Oh no.

William Hanson 0:28:52 Oh no, I think they're— I don't— look, if one was in here now, I'd run a mile.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:56 I would not want anything to do with you if you're an alligator, just to let you know.

William Hanson 0:29:00 I'd eat you, you're a cat.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:02 You certainly would, you'd crunch me up, wouldn't you? Like a peanut. Oh no, I don't like them. I remember after Hurricane Irma— have I ever told you I'm a Hurricane Irma survivor? And I remember after Hurricane Irma, there being alligators, dead alligators at the side of the road.

William Hanson 0:29:20 Oh God, did the hurricane— oh God, I could be killed by a hurricane because I thought alligators were fairly indestructible.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:24 No, I saw some dead alligators.

William Hanson 0:29:26 Wow.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:26 I thought, oh, there's one good thing.

William Hanson 0:29:28 How do you know they're dead?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:29 Well, because they're kind of like this.

William Hanson 0:29:32 Maybe they're just lulling people into a false sense of security.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:36 Wait till they come over and poke them, and then they eat them. Yeah. Not very nice.

William Hanson 0:29:40 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:40 Corey says—

William Hanson 0:29:42 Oh, do you think it's Ollie's friend, Corey?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:44 Oh, it might be Corey.

William Hanson 0:29:45 Hello if it is.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:46 Corey from Australia. Hi, William and Jonathan. I simply want to know, are séances chic? No. Best, Corey. No, no, they're not. Common as muck.

William Hanson 0:29:59 This is from Jake. Good day, gents. If you could contact anyone in the afterlife, who would you contact? And what would you discuss? I can imagine you contacting Dame Patricia Routledge and doing a guest appearance episode and asking her advice on all things luxury.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:13 Oh.

William Hanson 0:30:14 Maybe we should do a séance episode and try and get in touch with Patricia.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:18 Maybe.

William Hanson 0:30:19 That is actually quite a good idea.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:20 Pam from the pool met Dame Patricia.

William Hanson 0:30:24 Did she?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:24 Yes.

William Hanson 0:30:25 Did she cook her a tuna pasta in a wok?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:27 No. I'll let her tell you the story when you meet her.

William Hanson 0:30:30 Is it a good story?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:31 No.

William Hanson 0:30:32 Right.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:32 No, I don't think it was. I don't think the meeting went very well.

William Hanson 0:30:37 Right. In what capacity? Did Pam used to work in theatre?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:39 Pam used to work for a radio station.

William Hanson 0:30:41 Ah,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:42 yeah.

William Hanson 0:30:42 Okay. Which radio station?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:44 I'm not going to reveal.

William Hanson 0:30:45 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:46 BBC? No. And Pam met Dame Patricia, and I'm not sure found her the politest person. She basically said she was high. I said, okay.

William Hanson 0:30:56 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:57 And I'll let her tell you the rest.

William Hanson 0:30:59 Okay. I can't wait whilst I munch on her

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:03 Tuna. Uh, Helen says, hello gorgeous boys, I have a question about purgatory and the cleansing of one's soul.

William Hanson 0:31:11 This episode as well.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:12 In my 30s, I lived in London and had a fabulous time. Not to put too fine a point on it, but I was a right slag.

William Hanson 0:31:22 Have you written in?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:24 Sorry, Sorry. Where did that come from? I beg your pardon.

William Hanson 0:31:40 Sorry, that was really slanderous and untrue.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:43 I absolutely loved partying. No man or woman was out of bounds.

William Hanson 0:31:50 No, it's not you.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:04 Hahaha. No table too small to be danced upon. Waking up not knowing where one was in London was all part of the fun, although I'm much cleaner living now. having luckily survived unscathed, I think my purgatory would be having to face countless nameless dalliances whilst being force-fed tequila shots until I purged my soul clean. What would be your individual purgatories, and what do you need to cleanse before you enter the gates of heaven? Lots of now pure love, says Helen from Devon.

William Hanson 0:32:47 Well, we've learned a lot about Helen from Devon, who I think has written in to us many times.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:51 Yeah, you do not care, Helen, do you?

William Hanson 0:32:53 Slaggy Helens.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:54 Do you know, I love our listeners. They're so funny, aren't they? Purgatory.

William Hanson 0:33:15 Football.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:17 Oh my God, yes, football. Having to listen to I'm living

William Hanson 0:33:21 in purgatory right now with all

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:23 this World Cup. Me too. Yeah. Me too. I wish I was dead. Quite literally.

William Hanson 0:33:30 I'll be honest, I was— I've said this recently. I was checking the football score last night in my dressing room.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:36 No, no, no.

William Hanson 0:33:37 Sorry? No, but I'll tell you why I was checking the football score. Not because I wanted to see if England had won. I wanted to see if they had lost so they could be bloody out and we could just like get back to life.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:44 Oh, you're gonna be hated after that comment.

William Hanson 0:33:47 Well, by the time this goes out, be out of it. Do you know, that's the—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:49 do you know, that's the thing that really winds me up? Oh, call yourself a patriot? I'm sorry, I'm sorry, is the mark of being patriotic supporting a football team?

William Hanson 0:34:03 Quite.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:04 Absolutely outrageous.

William Hanson 0:34:06 I can do the line of succession from 1 to 20. That's patriotic.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:10 There we go, exactly.

William Hanson 0:34:12 Not going, oh, England.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:14 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:34:15 Stupid people.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:16 Anyway, this is taking a dark twist.

William Hanson 0:34:21 In our pre-production meeting, there was a group of men that were talking about, yeah, did you watch it last night? Good game. Oh God, it was like they were literally so clichéd.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:28 Oh, it's the sound of the commentary as well. You know when it comes on the news and you go, oh, quick, I have to turn it down.

William Hanson 0:34:37 Maybe we should look into redoing football commentary.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:41 With a luxury twist.

William Hanson 0:34:42 With a jam jingle underneath, a nice bed.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:44 Oh.

William Hanson 0:34:45 And we go, oh, there he goes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:46 Here comes a chap with some very jazzy shorts on.

William Hanson 0:34:49 Here comes Mr. Kane. Oh, he scored again!

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:53 Huzzah! Type of thing. Oh, look at the angle of his foot as he tapped that ball into the net.

William Hanson 0:34:59 Aren't those trainers white? I wonder what he uses.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:02 Oh yes, exactly.

William Hanson 0:35:03 That's what we should do.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:04 You can smell the jabón de Masseya from here.

William Hanson 0:35:08 Yes. Maybe we would look into that.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:11 I think we should. Well, do you know what? I mean, that has been a funny old episode.

William Hanson 0:35:15 It has.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:16 And yet I've kind of enjoyed it in a weird and quirky way. It's fun.

William Hanson 0:35:19 Had moments. Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:21 We will, of course, leave it there for now. We'll be back tomorrow for one of our bonuses.

William Hanson 0:35:25 Yes!

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:26 Lots to talk about.

William Hanson 0:35:27 That's a treat.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:28 We need to talk about your holiday. We need to talk about your aircon.

William Hanson 0:35:33 Won't have been in by then.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:35 No, that's true.

William Hanson 0:35:37 We've got lots of things to talk about on Thursday.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:39 Lots and lots.

William Hanson 0:35:41 You'll have to tune in to see if we found them.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:43 Yes. Until then,