Theatre Confusion and a Big Red Face

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:01:36 Hello and welcome to The Luxury Podcast. My name's Jonathan Vernon-Smith. With me is William Hanson. This is the podcast that helps you live a more luxury life.

William Hanson 0:01:55 Hello, Jonathan and I are here to help you with those everyday moments of luxury that make life worth living, whatever your budget.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:01 Welcome to another bonus episode of The Luxury Podcast, where William and I will trade tips and stories from our own luxury lifestyles, as well as delving into our lovely, great, big, overflowing male sex. So, William, have you had a marvellous week?

William Hanson 0:02:16 I have had a marvellous week, made all the better for at the weekend you came and followed in Adele's footsteps. Certainly did. And we came to watch Titanic.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:27 Yes.

William Hanson 0:02:27 Now, previously, as you have discussed on this podcast, even long before I was in the show, Titanic was not your favourite show predominantly. And I do think a lot of what shows you like is not necessarily a reflection on the show— some of them, yes— but it's a reflection on the audience around you. I think if you get a bad audience who are misbehaving, you equate the audience behaviour with the quality of the art on stage.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:56 There's some truth to that. Do you remember when you took me to that awful Heathers show?

William Hanson 0:02:59 Yep.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:59 I have never seen a less attractive audience in my life.

William Hanson 0:03:03 Until last weekend. I

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:05 was surrounded by mingers.

William Hanson 0:03:07 To be fair, I didn't think that the show was very good that night, but I was very on edge knowing that you were going to be in the audience.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:21 Really? Oh, I love the fact I put you on edge.

William Hanson 0:03:23 Yeah, especially because we had a very good matinee. And I thought, oh god, if we get a good matinee, it normally means the second show's not as good. Whereas if we get an okay matinee, then the evening show's normally very good.

Speaker A 0:03:33 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:03:34 Tell the Bucketheads, what did you think? Have we broken the curse of Titanic and JVS?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:41 You certainly have.

William Hanson 0:03:42 Ah, yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:43 You know me. I don't dance around an issue.

William Hanson 0:03:48 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:48 And if I hadn't enjoyed it, I would've found something diplomatic to say.

William Hanson 0:03:53 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:54 I would've said, William, I thought you were fantastic. It's still not my show. But I'm gonna be absolutely 100% honest. I loved it.

William Hanson 0:04:03 Excellent. I mean, oh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:04 It was— the cast were a million times better than they were when I saw it before. They were so funny. As you know, the main guy who plays

William Hanson 0:04:15 Jack.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:15 Jack.

William Hanson 0:04:15 Freddie King.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:16 Just Jack. Uh, was hilarious.

William Hanson 0:04:19 He is very good.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:20 One of the funniest people I've ever seen on stage. Physically hilarious. You were naturally brilliant.

William Hanson 0:04:27 Thank you.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:27 Uh, what was the name of the lady whose voice I absolutely adored?

William Hanson 0:04:31 Uh, well, Celine, or do you mean—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:34 Well, no, well, I'll come to Celine in a minute. No, the woman I love with the voice.

William Hanson 0:04:37 Uh, Nikki, who plays Molly.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:39 Yes. Nikki Wilding. All By Myself.

William Hanson 0:04:41 Yes, phenomenal voice.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:43 She had an amazing voice. And the woman who played Celine Dion.

William Hanson 0:04:46 Astrid Harris.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:47 Was just brilliant.

William Hanson 0:04:50 Yes,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:50 so funny.

William Hanson 0:04:51 She's marvellous.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:52 I really enjoyed it. I did. I enjoyed it. And the audience were much, much nicer, much more pleasant to be around. There was a young child sitting next to us. A child?

William Hanson 0:05:03 How old?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:04 This child must have been about 10 or 11.

William Hanson 0:05:07 No, we say 12 on the website, which I still think is far too young.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:10 Well, the scene with the aubergine. Yep. I felt that was quite a moment for that child. I kept glancing over at him. His eyes just became more and more wide.

William Hanson 0:05:25 Wow.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:26 With every moment of it.

William Hanson 0:05:27 Yeah, it's an interesting scene.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:29 I really did enjoy it. It was a lovely evening.

William Hanson 0:05:32 Oh, well, can we talk about where you were sitting originally?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:36 Well, I was going— I thought we were going to discuss this. So, I'm on the motorway on the way down into London. And suddenly, a little message pings up from William on the screen to say that he hoped I wouldn't be angry, but he decided he didn't like the seats that we were in, so he'd upgraded us because he wasn't happy with where we were going to be sitting.

William Hanson 0:05:59 So, I had asked you, as I often ask friends, where are you sitting? So, I either know where to look or not look, depending on who's in and what mood I'm in. And you had said row R, and I thought, gosh, row R.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:14 I wanted to be at the back, so if I wasn't enjoying it, I wouldn't put you off.

William Hanson 0:06:18 That's why I thought row R. And then I looked at— I went into the stalls after the matinee to find where you were sitting. I went, they're in the penultimate row.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:27 Right.

William Hanson 0:06:28 They won't even be able to tell if I'm on the stage.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:30 I just thought that far back, 'cause you know what I'm like. Yes. I've got a very expressive face.

William Hanson 0:06:35 You do.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:36 And if I'm not enjoying something, I get the face of thunder immediately. And I thought, if you look— because you're bound to scan for me.

William Hanson 0:06:45 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:45 And if you scan for me and there I am looking like Mr. Grumpy, it's gonna then put you off. So I thought, if I'm in the back in the shadows, whether it's good or bad, you won't have to look at my face.

William Hanson 0:06:56 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:56 See? But then you thrust me forward, and it was lucky I enjoyed it, wasn't

William Hanson 0:07:02 it? It was lucky, yes. So I thought, no, I'm not having that. Like, you know, look, come on, I'm only on the West End stage once in my life. You're going to be sitting a little bit closer to front. So, I went up to the box office after the matinee, and I said, booking under Jonathan Vernon-Smith, can you find it? They found it, and they said the seats, and I'm like, yeah, that's them. Can I pay to move them forwards? is what I said.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:22 You paid?

William Hanson 0:07:22 No, well, wait for it. I offered to pay, and then they sort of did a bit of tapping. They went, well, they booked through a third party. I thought, well, of course they bloody did. Probably so you'd save £4.50 or something. They went, it's quite difficult. It will be quite difficult to do it. Probably paid on credit card.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:45 Credit card, cashback.

William Hanson 0:07:47 Yeah. So I said, oh no, don't worry, don't worry about it, don't worry about it. And they said, no, no, no, no, no, tell you what, I'll see what I can do, no charge. And then they put you in those seats.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:06 Oh.

William Hanson 0:08:06 So I've whizzed some chocolates round to them and a card to say thank you.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:09 Oh, well, that's very nice. Yes. It's very nice.

William Hanson 0:08:11 They did something similar for my brother, actually.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:11 You told me was, oh, he didn't pay the extra money to see it.

William Hanson 0:08:16 No, no, James, this was the first time my brother was coming, um, with some friends that hadn't seen it before. And I say to James the day before, I said, James, where are you sitting this time? And he went, oh, Upper Circle, 3rd row. I said, Upper Circle?

William Hanson 0:08:33 Upper Circle? There are only 3 rows in the Upper Circle. You are literally at the back of the theatre. You can't even see the front of the stage. So I sent James a video.

William Hanson 0:08:42 I went and sat in those seats and filmed the front of the stage. I went, you can't see the front of the stage, James. So I went to the box office and said, we need to upgrade my brother. And they did.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:53 You're such a diva. Honestly, rearranging where your guests are gonna be sitting.

William Hanson 0:09:00 I always ask where friends are.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:01 I will not have you not able to see my beautiful face.

William Hanson 0:09:04 No. But it is— I mean, you can't put a price on friendship, but you can put a theatre seating band, 'cause most people are booking row M. Generally, it's now a running joke with the cast. I go— they go, have you got anyone in? I went, yeah, friends. Where are they sitting? And I'm like, any guesses? Because clearly when friends are booking, they look at the seating plan and they go, no, he's not worth what it is for L. We'll go for

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:28 M. Well, I'd already seen it before. Yes. I thought, you know, I've already seen it before. I didn't like it before. You know, I'm not gonna spend— and plus I thought about my face. So, I just thought, you know, get a cheap seat at the back.

William Hanson 0:09:43 There was a lovely moment in that matinee that was so good, which I was— such a shame you weren't there for the matinee because I would have loved you to have witnessed it, where obviously I make a joke in the show about my other podcast co-host Jordan, and literally someone sitting in the front row went,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:02 JVS!

William Hanson 0:10:03 And I was like, oh, just a couple of hours too early. It was lovely.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:08 Yeah, no one shouted that in the evening, did they? No, definitely not.

William Hanson 0:10:11 No, but some Bucketheads came up to you, didn't they?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:13 They did, yes, yes. Met a few Bucketheads.

William Hanson 0:10:15 Did some photos?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:16 No, I didn't.

William Hanson 0:10:18 Did you not?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:18 Of course not. You made that up.

William Hanson 0:10:20 I thought you told me you did photos.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:21 I did not. You made that up.

William Hanson 0:10:24 Oh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:24 Why would I have said that?

William Hanson 0:10:25 I don't know. Do not offer. Orange will have a photo.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:30 Oh yeah, no, no. I was trying to get Well, I had a slightly embarrassing situation. You'd obviously upgraded us.

William Hanson 0:10:38 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:39 And, uh, I, I went to the bar to get a gin and slim double.

William Hanson 0:10:45 Pre-show?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:47 No, interval.

William Hanson 0:10:48 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:49 Came back, could not remember for the life of me which seat we were sitting in. And I was— and all of the people who'd been around me, including the child, they'd all disappeared. They'd obviously all gone to the bar or the loo or something.

William Hanson 0:11:00 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:01 So I kind of just had to hover like a weirdo thinking, I have Absolutely no idea what row I'm in. I'm gonna have to wait until people come back that I recognise. It was very uncomfortable.

William Hanson 0:11:12 I think you got put in L, didn't you?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:13 It was L.

William Hanson 0:11:15 Yeah,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:15 yeah, it was L.

William Hanson 0:11:16 It's just one row in front of them.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:17 But I couldn't remember that.

William Hanson 0:11:18 No. Well, never mind.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:20 But well done, you. You were brilliant.

William Hanson 0:11:22 And Sadie came a few days before as well, and Rodrigo.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:25 Did you love it?

Speaker F 0:11:26 We loved it. My head was hurting from laughing so much. I'm not just saying that.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:30 Was it the aubergine? It was the aubergine. It was the aubergine. Was it the aubergine?

Speaker F 0:11:34 It was Jack's juicy bum.

William Hanson 0:11:37 Mmm. They all have more luck than you on that. Not a single heterosexual male on that stage.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:47 Right. Okay. I

William Hanson 0:11:52 don't know if that's a shock.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:54 Wow. Yeah, that is a bit of a shock.

William Hanson 0:11:56 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:58 Yeah, so very few in the audience.

William Hanson 0:11:59 No, I think we've become quite straight.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:01 I think not. I think not, William.

William Hanson 0:12:05 Anyway, at the time this is going out, I've literally got about 6 shows left.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:08 Oh.

William Hanson 0:12:09 And then I'll pull out.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:10 Well done. Well done, you. You've done very, very well. I'm amazed you've kept it up, because, I mean, it involves some serious stamina.

William Hanson 0:12:20 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:21 And you haven't had a proper day job for many, many years.

William Hanson 0:12:23 Don't you start.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:25 So, the thought of you being able to, you know, every day turn it on—

William Hanson 0:12:28 6 days a week.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:29 Every day, 6 days a week.

William Hanson 0:12:31 4 shows at the weekend.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:32 4 shows at the weekend. Being able to just turn it on like a pro. Well done, you.

William Hanson 0:12:37 Well, it was— it's— it will stand me in good stead for when we do Luxury Live in November.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:42 Oh, good.

William Hanson 0:12:42 Which I think will be my next live performance.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:45 Really?

William Hanson 0:12:46 Unless they have me back.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:46 Oh, maybe we could get you doing your monologue at Luxury Live for those—

William Hanson 0:12:51 Well, did you like the content of the monologue? Because it's sort of inspired by us going to theatres together and things that you've said.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:58 Yes, I did. Yes, I felt that you were channelling a little bit of JVS.

William Hanson 0:13:01 Yeah, I was channelling a bit of JVS.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:02 It was a rant, wasn't it, really? Yeah. And at one point you were actually shouting.

William Hanson 0:13:07 I shout a lot.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:08 Don't you? You must watch your uvula.

William Hanson 0:13:11 I do. It's very raw.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:13 I bet you're—

William Hanson 0:13:14 I think it's the trousers.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:15 Well, maybe we could get you doing your monologue at Slapshy Live.

William Hanson 0:13:21 I could turn up to Slapshy Live with birds on my head.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:24 Keep the birds! That

William Hanson 0:13:26 wouldn't They won't let me.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:28 Will they not?

William Hanson 0:13:28 No, they'll go to someone else now. Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:30 Well, anyway, well done.

William Hanson 0:13:32 Thank you so much. Now, something that we talked about a few weeks ago that you didn't realise, which I thought you actually knew, was that when Izzy used to edit the clips, and I assume still Ollie now when he does the clips, there is a different colour grade on your shot.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:47 Sorry, I just clonked the microphone. Sorry about that.

William Hanson 0:13:50 There is a different colour grade on your shot than there is on mine, just due to skin tones.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:55 What, because I've got a lovely ruddy country complexion?

William Hanson 0:14:00 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:00 Whereas you frequently look like you're suffering with a severe illness. You know me, I don't like to be rude, but—

William Hanson 0:14:08 No, no, no,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:09 no.

William Hanson 0:14:10 We'll tell you if you do.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:10 But you look like you've only days left.

William Hanson 0:14:12 You look like you've got angina, so I mean, you can shut up.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:22 Angina. Acute angina.

William Hanson 0:14:24 So I just— I did— I think I did it a few weeks ago on the podcast. I texted or voice-noted Izzy to ask her, and the reply came in, but after we had stopped recording. Here is her reply.

Speaker G 0:14:33 Hi, William and Jonathan. Yes, I did indeed have to put a nice big green tint, because that is the opposite of pink in the colour wheel. He was about -10. I think you're a +2 on pink, actually, Wills.

William Hanson 0:14:44 There we go.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:47 I don't know what that means, but it sounds executive.

William Hanson 0:14:49 Yes, you're a -10.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:51 I'm a -10, which sounds better than a +2, doesn't it, really?

William Hanson 0:14:56 Well, plus is obviously—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:58 I'm too red, you're too white.

William Hanson 0:15:00 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:00 That's what we can assume.

William Hanson 0:15:01 That's what we can assume.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:02 Yeah, anyway.

William Hanson 0:15:03 Well, now we know.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:04 Well, there we go.

William Hanson 0:15:05 And how are you?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:06 I'm all right, yeah. I've had a busy week. I've been, been Kamado all week. Yep, I've been mastering my Kamado.

William Hanson 0:15:13 Which you showed me a photograph. In fact, you should show Sadie the photo of your Kamado and what it looks like.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:19 Well, my Kamado is— I love it. I think it's terribly smart. It's a barbecue. It's a ceramic barbecue.

William Hanson 0:15:29 It does look like an egg.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:30 It does. It is, but it's not. It's a different British company that's produced it to and above British standards. And it's a beautiful bit of kit. You'll have to come over here, have a look, Sadie. Come and have a look at my Kamado. Can you see that?

Speaker F 0:15:45 Yeah, it kind of looks like a big bomb.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:48 Well, it's funny you say that, because the comment was made that it looked like Kim Jong-un had just dropped it off.

William Hanson 0:15:54 It looks like a nuclear warhead. We'll put these photos up on our Luxury Podcast Members Club.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:05 It does, it does look a little bit nuclear. But oh my word, It is such a bit of kit.

William Hanson 0:16:12 No, but are you now just not using the other barbecues?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:15 No, I haven't used the other barbecue. Those old things!

William Hanson 0:16:18 Why don't you sell them?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:19 Well, do you know what? I might get rid of the gas one. The slight problem I have is politics.

William Hanson 0:16:28 Oh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:29 Because the gas one was part of my 40th birthday present from my father.

William Hanson 0:16:34 Oh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:34 And I feel I can't really Get rid of—

William Hanson 0:16:38 Just say it's in the shed.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:39 Sorry, you want—

William Hanson 0:16:41 Just say it's in the shed.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:42 So I lie to him? I sell it and then just lie?

William Hanson 0:16:45 Sell it and take him on holiday with the proceeds. He'll get over it.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:48 Well, I could do that, yeah. By the way, he might be in Frigg when we're there.

William Hanson 0:16:52 Oh, fantastic!

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:53 Yeah, I know. We're gonna have to have a coach trip, aren't we, for everyone there?

William Hanson 0:16:57 Gets more upmarket by the minute.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:58 It really does.

William Hanson 0:17:01 Do I need to book a bigger yacht?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:03 Well, I think we're definitely gonna have to hire an entire crew.

William Hanson 0:17:07 The QE2. To man us.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:10 So, I've been working out how the Kamado works. I've done so far a lot of chicken on it.

William Hanson 0:17:17 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:18 I did some steak, but I'm going to be honest with you.

William Hanson 0:17:21 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:22 I overcooked it slightly.

William Hanson 0:17:23 Oh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:23 Bit too done. And you know me.

William Hanson 0:17:25 How long does it take to sort of do it all? Because on my, you know, executive Ninja Air thing, whatever it is, wood fire grill chip thing—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:33 You— can I just say, you are much better suited to that. Because I think this Kamado for you, firstly, you smell like you've been in a house fire. And secondly, it involves— there's charcoaly fingers.

William Hanson 0:17:49 Oh no.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:49 There's— and I just thought William would not be up for this.

William Hanson 0:17:52 I don't like that.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:53 It's quite a manly experience. I feel like Bear Grylls out there. If it wasn't for my big PVC gloves that I wear for handling the coal, That's your dad,

William Hanson 0:18:04 isn't it?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:05 Then I would look terribly manly. Um, but I've done— I did some steak, bit overcooked. You have to put the coal on. Normally I like to get the coal going about half an hour before you then want to cook on it, you see. So you've got to be a bit prepared as well. And you've got to man your vents, got to get your vents so the right flow of air is going on.

William Hanson 0:18:26 It's

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:27 not really your cup of tea, is it?

William Hanson 0:18:28 No, that sounds like a faff. Whereas what I like about mine, it's very easy.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:31 It is. You press a button and you're good to go, aren't you?

William Hanson 0:18:33 Yes. Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:35 But I am loving it.

William Hanson 0:18:36 Did you cook for Charlie, your nephew, who was around?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:38 Not yet, no. Family barbecue on Sunday. So, I'm doing the whole shebang on there. I did some vegetables on there, which was lovely. Did some sliced courgette, some tenderstem broccoli, some tomatoes with the steak, all on the barbecue.

William Hanson 0:18:53 That's lovely.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:54 It was really nice.

William Hanson 0:18:55 Very self-contained.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:56 Very, very tasty.

William Hanson 0:18:56 Can you do potatoes on the barbecue?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:58 Of course you can. What kind of potatoes?

William Hanson 0:19:02 You know what?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:03 Oh, shall I tell you what's a really delicious potato? Shall we have a little bit of a, um—

William Hanson 0:19:07 A potato chat.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:08 A little bit of cooking, a little bit of cooking on this bonus episode. What's lovely with a barbecue, and you can try this, Bucketheads, is get some lovely, uh, if you can get them, Jersey roll potatoes. You know, new potatoes, get some nice Jerseys and, uh, parboil them. until— you don't want them too cooked, but you want them cooked enough to be a little bit soft. Then get either some silver foil and put it on your barbecue ready for the potato to go on, or if you've got a barbecue tray, that kind of thing. And then with the bottom of a bowl or maybe a mug, squash the potatoes.

William Hanson 0:19:47 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:47 Flatten them slightly, and then put a little knob of butter on each one. Some salt and pepper, and then roast them in the barbecue.

William Hanson 0:19:55 Oh, lovely.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:56 With all of your lovely meats, a gorgeous potato accompaniment.

William Hanson 0:20:00 I think that's lovely. I might try that myself.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:02 Try it, try it, it's lovely. So yeah, family barbecue on Sunday.

William Hanson 0:20:05 Lovely.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:05 Which I'm really looking forward to.

William Hanson 0:20:07 Nice. Is Charlie well?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:08 Charlie's well, yes. I looked after him yesterday. At time of recording, last night was the semi-final of the World Cup. No doubt you were glued to it.

William Hanson 0:20:20 I was on stage. We did have our lowest audience numbers last night.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:24 Did you? I'm not surprised.

William Hanson 0:20:26 Not ever!

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:27 I was on nephew duty, so I had to collect Charlie from school and took him back to my house. Now, Charlie, I don't know where he's got this from. I have questioned whether my brother is really the father, because he is obsessed with football. Obsessed with it. William, to an unnatural degree. Picked him up from school.

William Hanson 0:20:50 And your brother isn't football mad?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:51 No, no, none of us are really. Picked him up and he starts talking to me about the game that night. So I stopped him in the playground at school.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:59 I said, now Charlie, now listen here. I do not want to hear another word out of you about football for the rest of the afternoon. I am not interested and I will not entertain it. So he said, why aren't you interested? I said, In the same way that you're not interested in the ups and downs of Spanish cleaning products, I'm not interested in football.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:20 I won't talk to you about my Japón de Marsella, and you don't talk to me about Jude Bellingham. Uh, we know this lasted all of 10 minutes.

William Hanson 0:21:27 Now, is he Linda Bellingham's son?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:28 Before, before he brought— he brought— before he brought it up, he went on and on and on, and I, in the end, I just gave in. I just gave— I let him talk at me. He was talking to me about tactics. He was talking to me— I poured myself a gin and slim.

William Hanson 0:21:45 I don't blame you.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:45 Call me old-fashioned, but I did. I said, now look, let's stop talking about this. We're having alfresco munchettes. He said, what are alfresco munchettes? I said, I'm about, I'm about to educate you. So, we had alfresco munchettes in the garden, and he talked to me about football.

William Hanson 0:21:58 Oh God.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:59 So boring.

William Hanson 0:22:01 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:01 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:22:02 I had last night, um, some friends came to watch the show, and we had agreed to go out for a drink afterwards to the same place that we went for a drink.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:08 Very nice.

William Hanson 0:22:08 Because the other place nearby was showing the game, so I said I'm not going there. And anyway, they got there ahead of me, as you know, as you did. And I walk into the bar and there's— oh, there's nobody in the bar. So I checked and they had already said they were there. I thought, well, maybe they've gone to the loo or something. They said, oh no, we're in the room to the left, which they normally have shut up. It's like a private event space, but they were showing the game in there.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:31 Oh no.

William Hanson 0:22:32 And I sort of went and put my head around the door and thought, oh my God, they're They're watching the—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:36 They're watching football.

William Hanson 0:22:36 And they said, we've got your drink here. And I said, I'll sit in the bar. I'll see you when the game's over. I absolutely refused to go in there. I said, I'm allergic to football.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:44 Quite right too. Yep. Make a stand. There are very—

William Hanson 0:22:47 I think they were quite surprised I said that.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:49 Oh, well, I don't know why.

William Hanson 0:22:51 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:51 I think those of us that are not interested in football, be loud and proud. Stand up, for goodness' sake. Stand up. Don't go with the crowd. Don't be a cheap sheep. Stand up and have your voice heard. That's my motto.

William Hanson 0:23:04 Can I say it?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:08 Thank God they're out.

William Hanson 0:23:13 Genuinely. I'm also thrilled because it will mean we might have a slight audience this Sunday when it's the final. Because we're not in it. But also, this Sunday coming was meant to be my last show. So God, if we had been in the final, we would have had zero audience to see my big finish.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:28 All over the stage. Your climax.

William Hanson 0:23:30 Yes. Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:31 So it's next week. Oh well.

William Hanson 0:23:36 Before we go to some messages from some very carefully selected sponsors, we just want to remind people that we are on Patreon. It's our luxury members club. There are 4 very distinct tiers you can choose from, and recently this week we have done a special episode on your friend and mine, Madonna. And here's a clip if you want a little teaser of what you can expect if you're not already a member.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:58 When are we going to rip the plaster off? When are you gonna let me at her?

William Hanson 0:24:03 Off you go.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:05 Oh, right. Okay. Okay, I'm going to— so, I'm going to be fair. I like a lot of Madonna's tunes.

William Hanson 0:24:11 Yes, you have sung your Madonna's Like a Virgin.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:15 Yeah. Some of her tunes are very, very good. We'll get on to some of her tunes, no doubt, in this episode. But I just don't like her. I think she's wretched. I think the way she behaves is embarrassing. I don't understand why people think she's an icon. She's just a rude, rude woman with strange social behaviour. I do not get the icon business. She behaves totally inappropriately for an 82-year-old woman. I don't like it. She makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't understand the attraction. There you go, I said it. Call me old-fashioned, but there you have it.

William Hanson 0:25:00 Yep. I like the clip where she falls down the stairs at the Brit Awards because her cape doesn't attach in time, because I think that's quite funny.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:13 Oh, poor thing. She had to press her pendant on.

William Hanson 0:25:16 I was about to say, she fell down, doggy turned up.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:21 She was pressing that button. Yeah, but that's probably because she was wearing inappropriate shoes for an elderly woman.

William Hanson 0:25:28 Well, and she presumably hadn't properly rehearsed with the dancers, and they hadn't—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:32 No.

William Hanson 0:25:32 You know, finessed it.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:34 But have you seen her interviewed?

William Hanson 0:25:36 Well, she did that thing recently with Graham Norton. Graham Norton. She just comes across as— she's always on the defensive. She's really unlikable.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:45 Really unlikable. So why is she such an icon?

William Hanson 0:25:48 I don't know.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:49 The gays love her. of her, but I don't understand why. She's just— Kylie. Now Kylie, I love.

William Hanson 0:25:56 She's likeable.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:56 She's nice, isn't she? When you watch Kylie—

William Hanson 0:25:59 She's a similar age to Madonna.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:00 But she looks nice, doesn't she? She doesn't dress like Madonna.

William Hanson 0:26:05 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:05 Madonna dresses totally inappropriately. If she was my mother, I'd—

William Hanson 0:26:11 Oh my gosh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:11 Can you imagine?

William Hanson 0:26:12 If you were Chofundo, you would be appalled.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:15 If I was Chofundo, I would Divorce that woman.

William Hanson 0:26:18 Well, you can't divorce your—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:19 You can divorce your parents. Can you? You can. You can divorce your parents, and I would divorce my Madonna mother. I would. Because she's an embarrassment the way she dresses. There you go.

William Hanson 0:26:29 Okay. Do you think Madonna's had any work done?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:32 That's the other thing. Last time I saw her, what's she done to her face? Virtually unrecognisable.

William Hanson 0:26:44 Didn't she go through a period of wearing an eye patch like Gabrielle?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:46 She did, yes. Yep, she wore a patch. Yes.

William Hanson 0:26:49 Why?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:50 Because she's odd. She's an odd bod. There you go, I said it. She's an odd bod.

William Hanson 0:26:55 She is weird.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:56 Yeah, she's very strange. If, if you were sitting in a bus stop and Madonna was not Madonna, but she was sitting in that bus stop with you, and she's there dressed like a 16-year-old even though she's 82, she's got an eye patch on, You'd move away, wouldn't you? You'd move, you'd, you'd get an Uber. You'd think, you know what, I'm not hanging around here with this lunatic. I'm getting an Uber.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:34 Welcome back, Bucketheads. We're going to read your questions now, so let's dive into our heaving bags of post. Do remember, if you have something on your mind that needs a luxury touch or twist, postman@luxurypodcast.co.uk is the place for your queries and your questions.

William Hanson 0:30:02 All right, this first one is from Anonymous. Hello gents, I recently attended a barbecue lunch at a good friend's house.

William Hanson 0:30:07 The host provided approximate arrival and meal service times on the invite— they mean invitation— and I arrived at a suitable time, about 15 minutes after the advertised time, as William had previously recommended, and didn't turn up empty-handed. It was a lovely day in the sunshine with good company. However, the meal took much longer than expected to cook properly, and the guests became hungry and increasingly unsettled.

William Hanson 0:30:27 Around an hour after the advertised eating time, I asked the host if there was anything I could do to help, sensing their timing hadn't quite gone to plan. They insisted they had things under control, so I returned to the group to finish off the rapidly vanishing nibbles. 2 hours and 20 minutes after the advertised eating time, with the host still tending to the barbecue, I again approached the host and asked when the meal might be ready, as the guests and I were very hungry. In a less timid and polite fashion, emboldened by several glasses of wine and no lunch, I also inquired whether there was anything that could be served sooner. Oh my god.

William Hanson 0:30:57 if the main meal was still some time off. The host replied that there was no way to speed anything up and there was nothing they could do about it, seemingly exasperated that I was meddling and this was not an issue for them. I then pointed out that they had said that we would be eating 2 and a half hours earlier, which didn't seem to help. Wonder why? In the— I'm in two minds about whether this was the correct approach.

William Hanson 0:31:18 On one hand, I do regret getting involved in something that wasn't my business, as it would bother me if the roles were reversed. On the other hand, the host did not provide the guests with any updates on the delay, when we might be eating, or any sense that such a long delay might inconvenience anyone. I believe part of good hosting is checking on guests and perhaps having a plan B if your original plans don't work out as expected. What would you do in this situation as a guest? Kind regards, Anonymous.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:41 Wow. Anonymous, you were really rude.

William Hanson 0:31:44 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:44 You were really, really rude. And that comes from someone who is not averse to being direct.

William Hanson 0:31:51 No, exactly. Um, yeah, I probably wouldn't. Is there anything I can do to help? I think is fair enough.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:57 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:31:57 And to be honest, you should say that probably to your friend anyway, regardless of the timings of the meal. I think you offer it, and then if they say no, that's that. As a host, I would have either ordered some food in PDQ, or yes, gone around with more nibbles, or communicated to the guests, I'm so sorry, this is the issue. I mean, what the dickens were they cooking that took that long?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:17 Well, I don't know.

William Hanson 0:32:17 It's extraordinary.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:18 Maybe their barbecuing skills weren't top-notch, so it was all taking much longer because the food just wasn't cooking.

William Hanson 0:32:26 That said, I had some of the cast round of Try Not to Eat for a barbecue a few weeks ago, and it wouldn't— suddenly it wouldn't turn on, and I was in an absolute blind panic. Oh my God, they're literally like— they're like— and some of them have to go because, like, you know, we've got an early start tomorrow. So, I was said, you know, we'll eat early so we can finish early. It's their one night off. Hadn't turned the gas on.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:48 Oh, William.

William Hanson 0:32:49 Well, I thought I had, but I'd actually turned it off.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:51 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:32:52 But yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:52 I don't think you can do any more than just kind of offer to help. I think if you start basically complaining that there's nothing to eat, that's just kind of rude because the person who's hosting is probably very stressed because things aren't going according to plan, and you making it abundantly clear that you feel they should be doing more, whether it be serving people food or whatever. I mean, it's just rubbing salt in the wound.

William Hanson 0:33:19 Have you ever been to a friend's— I've been to a friend's house, not recently, but back in the day, where they literally haven't started cooking anything, and you're like—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:28 Oh, that's happened loads of times. Loads of times. I can't— there are some people that are— they just don't seem prepared.

William Hanson 0:33:38 No. And it's fine if you say, oh, come over for 4, because then you might think, well, we're probably eating at 7, so that's fine.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:44 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:33:45 But it's where they say, come over for 7:30, and they haven't lifted a finger.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:48 I've had that. You turn up 7:30, and, uh, firstly, one of them's not ready, so you kind of find yourself, you know, chatting to the one that is ready. Then the one that wasn't ready comes downstairs, and you have a drink, and you're looking around the kitchen thinking, I can't see any food, I can't smell any food cooking.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:06 And then eventually, after half an hour, you know, they'll saunter over to the fridge Get out a bit of meat and you think, oh my God, they've not even prepared this. It's going to be midnight. It's so crazy, isn't it? I mean, I do like a relaxed supper. And as, as you have just mentioned, you know, if, if I said to you, would you and Mikey like to come over for a bite to eat on Sunday?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:29 Come over for about 5. You know, if we were chatting and then I said, shall I start preparing the food about 6?

William Hanson 0:34:35 Yeah, but you've probably done some preparation.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:37 I might have done. But even so, if I said, oh, I'm going to start cooking at 6, And we'll eat at 7. Is that okay? And we'll chat while I'm doing it. Is that— is that okay? If it's an informal, um, supper with friends that you know well, you can have a chat over a wine while you're preparing the food, then what's the problem? But, you know, to invite someone to come for meal eating time and then not serve them any food.

William Hanson 0:35:03 It's extraordinary.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:04 It is weird, isn't it? Yeah.

William Hanson 0:35:06 Aren't people queer?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:08 Very. Lou says, dear darling Jonathan and William. Lou, you devil. What are your thoughts on people using their mobile telephones to video performances on stage or at concerts? I noticed a lot of people doing this while watching Titanic. Are you of the opinion that it's rather off-putting and rude, or do you enjoy being filmed? I personally never video or photograph any performances I attend, as it takes away from the magic of being in the moment. Lots of love, Lou from North Devon.

William Hanson 0:35:44 Yeah, so at Titanic, I mean, during the show is not— absolutely not.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:49 You had a little woman up saying, don't sing or video. I saw that little woman.

William Hanson 0:35:54 Yep. We call them ushers, but yes.

Speaker F 0:36:01 I was sad when I saw the don't sing sign.

William Hanson 0:36:03 Don't sing along. No, no, it's not amateur hour.

Speaker F 0:36:06 I was in the lip sync.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:36:07 No, that was— you're quite right. I— when I saw that, I thought, now, well done, because gays, they love to sing.

William Hanson 0:36:13 They do. And women on hen dos.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:36:16 What was that one I went to see with Jason Donovan where I had that gay sitting next to me singing? Priscilla, Queen of the Desert. And it started, and he thought— and he's doing the actions. And I turned to him and I said, I have come here to hear the vocal delights of Jason Donovan, not you. Shut up.

William Hanson 0:36:32 And didn't he go, oh?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:36:35 He went, oh, then took no notice of me, carried on singing.

William Hanson 0:36:39 But at the end of Titanic, as indeed happens now for most shows, a lot of shows, the curtain call or the encore, when we sing My Heart Will Go On again, Um, it is encouraged because what they want you to do, as indeed people do, is they then film it and put it on social media and tag, and there's buzz. And—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:37:02 That was so subtle, the way that was communicated to the audience.

William Hanson 0:37:07 Yes, we go in for subtlety a lot on that show. So, um, it's fine if it's encouraged, um, but I would agree it's sometimes better to experience something in the moment. So, if you are going to take a quick video, just do it quickly and then go back to the show, because that live experience— and that's the beauty of a, of live performance, whether it's opera, a play, a musical, a concert, there is no imprint of that. That is happening just in that moment as you saw it. It is a unique experience.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:37:36 Well, I didn't get mine out. That's all I can say. I left it—

William Hanson 0:37:39 we're all grateful for that.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:37:40 I left it to others.

William Hanson 0:37:49 Only— no, this is Georgie. Dear William and Jonathan, I'm writing with a dilemma of the utmost seriousness. Don't laugh. My boyfriend and I have recently purchased a beautiful detached Edwardian home, and we expect to move in over the coming months. The previous owner has lived there for more than 40 years, so the property requires a fair amount of cosmetic intervention. Think less turkey luxury—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:38:16 Turnk!

William Hanson 0:38:22 What cosmetic intervention? I just assumed it was turkey. Think less turnkey luxury and more elegant old lady awaiting a very expensive facelift. At the heart of the kitchen sits a magnificent AGA. Admittedly, it is not the British racing green I would have personally commissioned, but a rather charming rustic red. It is handsome, characterful, and in my opinion, an essential symbol of rural prosperity. My boyfriend, however, wants to rip it out.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:38:46 What?

William Hanson 0:38:48 His allegations are as follows: it is unsuitable for modern life, difficult to cook on, lacking conventional hobs, and potentially incompatible with our future heating upgrades. All very practical, all deeply uninspiring. In his defence, he is unquestionably the cook in our relationship and dreams of replacing it with a large modern range cooker. I meanwhile contribute very little to the culinary operation, but feel passionately that the AGA is chic, luxurious, and part of the soul of the house. I may not know how to cook on it, But I know how I would like to look standing beside it, alongside our luxury black lab, Sydney.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:39:19 Aww.

William Hanson 0:39:20 So, must I accept that the Aga is now merely a costly relic from a more glamorous age, or should I battle to the death for my beautiful red stove despite having no meaningful intention or plan of how to use it? Warmest regards, Georgina.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:39:31 It's a tricky one, isn't it? Because you are absolutely right, the Aga—

William Hanson 0:39:35 Looks lovely.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:39:36 —is a lovely touch to your property, and it would be a crying shame to rip it out. However, there is an art, I gather, to cooking on an AGA.

William Hanson 0:39:45 Oh, it's tricky.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:39:46 Yeah. Yeah. But what I would say, I wonder whether, Georgina, what you could try and do is play to your other half's culinary talents.

William Hanson 0:39:57 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:39:58 And set it as a challenge, because I gather when you learn how to cook in an AGA, you can cook beautiful food.

William Hanson 0:40:06 You can go to— I think AGA do— I don't know if they charge for them or not, maybe not if you buy one from them, and obviously you're not in this instance because you're inheriting one. They do demonstrations where they're like, well, this is how you cook.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:40:17 Yeah, yeah, it's a special art, but when you know how to do it— I have friends who've got AGAs and they love them. Well, I live in the country, so lots of people have AGAs.

William Hanson 0:40:28 Would you ever get an AGA?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:40:29 No, no, no, I wouldn't.

William Hanson 0:40:31 Well, you've got your kamado.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:40:32 I don't even use my oven, do I? Let's be honest, I have a range cooker.

William Hanson 0:40:36 No, but if If Argos start doing an outside barbecue, then all bets are off.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:40:40 Why haven't they branched into that?

William Hanson 0:40:42 I'm sure they will.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:40:43 But I just wonder whether you could try and persuade him—

William Hanson 0:40:47 a barger— no, I can't do it.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:40:51 I wonder whether you could try and persuade him by saying, look, I've got it on very good authority William is trying to work out a good name for the Argos barbecue now.

William Hanson 0:41:03 Barbara, argue cute. No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:41:04 William, no. I wonder whether you could try and just say to him, look, I think if you can master this, it will take your cooking to the next level, and let's face it, you're already pretty hot. Something along those lines.

William Hanson 0:41:21 My gut would be, I would say, if you don't cook, Georgina, you don't really have a leg to stand on. But you could rip it out, sell it. I'm sure someone would buy it.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:41:32 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:41:33 I don't know if that's how it works, but if it's easy to transport—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:41:36 They're quite heavy.

William Hanson 0:41:36 They are quite heavy, yeah. I mean, you don't use Royal Mail, but I think, you know, you just smash it as firm, and then use that money to buy a newer Arga, because the technology in Argas have moved on. And then your boyfriend might be more willing because it's a newer Arga with more control.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:41:54 Possibly.

William Hanson 0:41:55 Or you don't do the selling bit and say, well, we'll have an AGA, but it'll be a newer one.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:41:58 Or how about you get an air fryer? Because if you've got the AGA, but you then have an air fryer and maybe an induction hob, a portable induction hob he can whip out at a moment's notice, then he can do more of his traditional cooking on that and leave the AGA for the aesthetic appearance. How about that?

William Hanson 0:42:19 I don't think you can go, you're a really good cook, Now here's an air fryer.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:42:22 Sorry?

William Hanson 0:42:23 I think that's a smack in the teeth.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:42:26 Have you not watched Jamie Oliver's programme on air frying?

William Hanson 0:42:29 No, I haven't.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:42:30 Well, he does— he's a very good chef and he does whole programmes about cooking in an air fryer. So stick that in your pipe. Well, I hope that was helpful, Georgina.

William Hanson 0:42:39 Yes. Let us know what happens.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:42:41 Yeah, do. I think that's more than enough luxury for this episode. We'll leave it there. We will however, be back on Wednesday of next week when we'll discuss first jobs.

William Hanson 0:42:53 Love it.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:42:54 Until then, goodbye.