Luggage

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:01:34 Hello and welcome to The Luxury Podcast. My name is Jonathan Vernon-Smith, and with me is William Hanson. This is the podcast that helps you live a more luxury life.

William Hanson 0:01:54 Hello, Jonathan and I are here, as ever, to help you create the everyday moments of luxury that make life worth living, whatever your budget.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:00 In each episode of The Luxury Podcast, William and I tackle an area of life that we think you should upgrade, sorting the ons, lows from the hyacinths, advising the nation in gracious living. So, William, what are we going to talk about today?

William Hanson 0:02:14 What are you packing? We're talking about luggage.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:17 Oh, luggage. Yes. With the genuine leather embellishments and initials or not?

William Hanson 0:02:21 Well, potentially. Actually, let's— we can discuss monogramming in a moment. Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:26 I have a loft packed to the rafters with luggage.

William Hanson 0:02:30 How many?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:32 Count your cases. I should have counted them before. I would say there's probably, in total up there, there's probably about maybe 10 or 11.

William Hanson 0:02:42 What?!

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:43 10 or 11 suitcases up there.

William Hanson 0:02:44 You are literally Hyacinth Poquet going on board the QE2.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:48 I mean, that is ridiculous. There's loads up there.

William Hanson 0:02:52 Loads. And please say you don't use them all at once.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:54 No, not all at once.

William Hanson 0:02:56 Why do you have so many cases?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:57 Variety of sizes, shapes, and colours. Depends where one's travelling to. You never— Why do you—

William Hanson 0:03:03 if you're going somewhere hot, you have a brighter case? If you're travelling somewhere less— well, you only go to Frigiliana and Florida, so—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:09 There's no need to make me sound like a boring creature of habit. And Argentina. Yeah. It depends. I've got different ones for different purposes. I've now got— also, I've got luggage that is kind of past its best. Some of my older suitcases, the fabric ones, they've started to get a little bit kind of worn around the edges, so I've then purchased newer models.

William Hanson 0:03:36 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:36 But I can't bring myself to throw the old ones away just in case they come in handy.

William Hanson 0:03:40 Yeah. Gosh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:42 How many have you got then?

William Hanson 0:03:43 So, we have that one, that one, 4?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:48 4?

William Hanson 0:03:49 Maybe 5. Yes, actually 5. We don't touch the other one.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:53 Look at you, fully air-conditioned from top to bottom. Well, we're not actually. Hardly a suitcase to shake a stick at. You're not?

William Hanson 0:04:00 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:01 Not yet.

William Hanson 0:04:02 Apparently there's now a supply issue.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:03 You're joking. No. Oh, but they're on it.

William Hanson 0:04:09 They've put the order in.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:10 What, even with the inferior model?

William Hanson 0:04:12 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:13 People want that.

William Hanson 0:04:17 Well, hopefully tomorrow I'll have some news on that.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:20 Oh, wow. Oh, anything I can do?

William Hanson 0:04:25 Give me your models?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:26 No, you're not. Definitely not having that. I was thinking though, it's been very, very hot this week, hasn't it, Buckethead?

William Hanson 0:04:33 It's been a delight.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:33 It has been very, very warm, and I was yesterday had to put the old portable air conditioner with executive venting hose downstairs in the living room because it was too hot.

William Hanson 0:04:45 And were you at that point thinking, why have we not got air conditioning in this room?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:49 I was thinking maybe it's time to add it downstairs as well. Yeah.

William Hanson 0:04:54 And it could be very easily done because it's sort of very close to the thing at the back.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:58 I am thinking about it. Yeah. Although my inverter outside is not big enough for 2, so I'd have to have that sorted out as well.

William Hanson 0:05:06 Well, I'll have that then, inverter. Oh no, no, because I need the big— I need the massive size.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:11 Yes.

William Hanson 0:05:11 All my rooms being done.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:13 And also, you need to have the inferior model. You couldn't have my top-of-the-range model with your inferior internal model. They're not compatible.

William Hanson 0:05:21 Back to luggage.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:26 Oh, I am sorry though that you're struggling. Yeah. I mean, spending—

William Hanson 0:05:31 I'm not spending a lot of time at home anyway, but—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:33 No.

William Hanson 0:05:33 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:34 Oh, that is annoying though.

William Hanson 0:05:35 It's a bit irritating.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:38 Frustrating. Well, let me know if there's anything I can do.

William Hanson 0:05:41 Thank you.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:42 So, back to luggage.

William Hanson 0:05:43 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:44 So, I do have quite a lot of luggage in my loft.

William Hanson 0:05:48 And do you— so, with luggage, because, you know, I obviously— I'm going to say it. I'm going to say what my luggage brand is, bar that one suitcase that we don't touch.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:58 Okay.

William Hanson 0:05:59 Because my luggage is controversial, because some people in my life do not feel it's very luxury and think it's a bit showy.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:07 What have you got?

William Hanson 0:06:08 And I'll be honest, Mikey had always wanted this brand, and I had shut it down and said no. But then I actually did some work for them a few years ago and was gifted a suitcase as part of the fee and went, oh, actually, it's quite nice. And so now we are a fully Rimowa household.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:26 A what?

William Hanson 0:06:27 Rimowa.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:30 Remover?

William Hanson 0:06:31 You know the ones I mean. The stainless steel ones.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:34 Oh.

William Hanson 0:06:35 The ones that are ridged.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:37 Oh.

William Hanson 0:06:38 For your pleasure.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:39 You've got metal suitcases?

William Hanson 0:06:41 Yeah, you know the ones.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:43 Gosh, it's like being in the war.

William Hanson 0:06:45 Those. Yeah. Sajid Jang.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:48 Oh, right.

William Hanson 0:06:50 Have you not seen those?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:51 I've not seen very many of them.

William Hanson 0:06:53 To be fair, at Luton, you won't see a lot of these.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:56 Well, I'll have you know, actually, at Gatwick recently, there were two— Oh, you'll see none at Gatwick. There were two battered old ones that came came on the conveyor belt, and I remember looking at them and thinking, oh, how shabby, how shabby.

William Hanson 0:07:07 Well, the great— this is not an advert for Rimowa, but if they'd like to sponsor us, that would be fine. So, all your hardware, so your wheels, your locks, your handle, and your telescopic handle, insured for life.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:23 Is it?

William Hanson 0:07:24 If they break, they'll change them.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:26 Oh, that's very good.

William Hanson 0:07:27 Guaranteed.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:28 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:07:29 And then your outer bits— I don't know, there's probably a correct name, but almost like the sort of knee pads for the corners, um, and the protection. Uh, for £40, they will replace and buff the case to a nice sort of look again. £40.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:46 Oh, you pay £40 for them to buff your suitcase?

William Hanson 0:07:50 Well, they're doing professionally buff. They're not getting a duster out. We haven't done that yet because ours are not yet in that condition. Oh, but if they were in that condition like you saw at Gatwick, Then, yes, you're right.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:02 What a faff. What a faff. I mean, I've got now very smart hard cases. They are Antler. Oh, they're Antler.

William Hanson 0:08:10 My parents used to have Antler.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:12 Really?

William Hanson 0:08:12 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:13 Well, they're Antler.

William Hanson 0:08:14 Are they green?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:15 No, they are, uh, a dark grey. Oh, like a—

William Hanson 0:08:19 you do like your greys, don't you?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:21 Yeah, they're very, very dark grey. They're like a gunmetal grey, and they've got a very exclusive locking system. They've got a telescopic handle, 4 wheels. 4 wheels.

William Hanson 0:08:32 Why would anyone have a suitcase that doesn't have 4 wheels?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:34 You've got to have 4. And they're huge, absolutely huge.

William Hanson 0:08:40 Fit all the Spanish cleaning products in.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:41 Well, I'm not even joking, but you could get a body in them. You could.

William Hanson 0:08:45 Jonathan has not tried that.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:48 But if this podcast doesn't go well today, we could put it to the test. No, there you can, you can get a lot in them. But because they are quite standard-looking suitcases, I always jazz it up with a rainbow strap.

William Hanson 0:09:06 How gay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:18 Do you know the best part about the rainbow strap was many years ago, my dad went to Argentina. And he said, he said, I'm getting a bit panicky really, because he had a, just a very navy blue suitcase. And he said, I get a bit panicky that I won't recognise my suitcase when I get to the other end. So I said, oh, you should borrow one of my straps. So he said, oh, do you mind?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:47 I said, no, no, no. So I lent him one of my straps. Anyway, he proudly put this strap on his suitcase. And as I dropped him off at the airport and he's there walking, mincing off with his rainbow strap, I said, oh, Dad, I said, look at you with your gay rainbow strap. And he said, what?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:10 What? I thought he was gonna start whipping it off.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:18 Off he went. Like John Inman.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:23 It's one for the kids.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:29 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:10:29 Talking of John Inman, in the show, I want to do a Molly Sugden joke at one point, but no one will get it.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:34 No one will get it. Young Bucketheads, you must look up John Inman.

William Hanson 0:10:38 And Molly Sugden.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:40 Molly Sugden with her pussy. John Inman and Molly Sugden were both in Are You Being Served? Mr.

William Hanson 0:10:47 Humphreys and Mrs. Slocum.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:49 Yeah. And John Inman. I once went to see John Inman at the end of the pier in Torquay.

William Hanson 0:10:54 Lovely. In a show, just to clarify that.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:57 Yes, he was in a show, and I went to see him with my grandmother. And I, I don't remember much about the show. I just remember he came on in a tutu and sang, I'm a little fairy at the bottom of your garden.

William Hanson 0:11:05 It was a seminal moment in your life. It was absolutely hilarious.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:13 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:11:13 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:14 So, I do have a— do you have a strap? Do you have a strap on?

William Hanson 0:11:17 No, because with my suitcases, you don't need— they've got a very exclusive locking system, TSA-approved.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:30 Oh, right.

William Hanson 0:11:31 So, TSA is, for those that don't know, it's the American sort of travel security agency or whatever.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:37 But the strap is not for security?

William Hanson 0:11:39 No, the strap is for identification or just to keep it all sort of Together.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:43 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:11:44 But no, I don't.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:45 When, uh, when a trip to Argentina happens, um, we always cover the cases in a protective cling film. Have you ever seen it happening at various— some, some airports, they will wrap it for you.

William Hanson 0:11:58 Dubai Airport, they do it all the time.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:00 Yeah. When you go to South America, do you do this, Rodrigo? You, you wrap your suitcase up mainly because Full of thieves.

William Hanson 0:12:09 On behalf of the South American Tourism Board. What? But surely if you've got a lock on it, you've got a lock on it.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:24 You have, but a lock's no match for South America. So you have to wrap it up. You make it— you have to make your suitcase genuinely— you have to make your suitcase Very, very impregnable, because otherwise you don't know what will happen to it. So, it's best just to wrap it from top to bottom. So, it takes hours to get into the blooming thing the other side.

William Hanson 0:12:46 I was going to say, you have to get the scissors out.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:47 Yeah, you have to get the scissors, start hacking away.

William Hanson 0:12:49 God.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:50 But it is worth it. So, I would always do that going to certain countries.

William Hanson 0:12:54 Are you a light packer?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:55 Um, depends where I'm going. Well, every time I go to Frigg, I always overpack.

William Hanson 0:13:04 Oh, I thought you would be the opposite.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:07 Always overpack. And I always come back with half a suitcase of clothes that haven't even seen the light of day while I've been there. Because you know me, I like to put a load on. And when I'm in Frigg, you know, it's my morning routine. Wake up, put a load on, have my breakfast, have my coffee, etc. When it's dry, hang it all. I love hanging washing in the Spanish sunshine because it's dry very quickly. And, um, will you need me to put a load on for you while you're there?

William Hanson 0:13:34 I'll bring some clothes just so you can— I'll bring laundry from home.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:36 Okay, I can do a load for you.

William Hanson 0:13:39 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:39 And, um, consequently, I'm just kind of wearing and washing. Um, and I never wear most of the clothes that I take.

William Hanson 0:13:47 You see, I'm getting much better for holidays. For work trips, it is different because you— I need different outfits and blah blah blah blah blah. But for holiday, particularly if it's a beach holiday or a pool holiday, I'm getting better at just in effect, a couple of shirts, one t-shirt maybe, swim shorts, shorts, shoes, and I even then don't wear it all, but it's still quite lightly packed. Whereas Mikey brings half the wardrobe. You and Mikey would get on very well from a packing point of view. And I'm like, you don't need 6 shirts. We're away for 2 nights. Why do you need— I like to have options, is what I get told.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:21 No, I normally, um, I work out I, I— 2 outfits a day is my—

William Hanson 0:14:27 You're like the bloody royal family, aren't you?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:29 Well, I have to have my day outfit and then my evening outfit, you know, because—

William Hanson 0:14:33 They're all pretty day outfits with you.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:35 You come in— none taken— you come in after a day round the pool, you have a shower—

William Hanson 0:14:40 But hang on, yes, your day outfit is surely swimming trunks.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:44 Well, I need a smart shirt for the beach. I need some shorts. Um, so I've got those for the day, then a shower, slap on the Eau de Pravia, get ready for the evening. You need another outfit, don't you?

William Hanson 0:15:00 But then do you repeat outfits and go, well, actually, that shirt can do— I've only worn it for a couple of hours a day?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:06 No!

William Hanson 0:15:06 Oh, I do on holiday.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:08 Do you?

William Hanson 0:15:09 Occasionally.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:10 Don't you do that with me, and frig, you give it to me and let me put it through my cycle. I'm not having you wearing things twice. Bottoms? Bottoms?

William Hanson 0:15:19 You know, bottom halves. Shorts? Trousers?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:24 Trousers?

William Hanson 0:15:27 Can I wear them twice?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:28 You won't wear trousers in Friuli. Oh, you might wear some linen.

William Hanson 0:15:32 I might be in some linen.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:32 Yeah, you might actually, because Friuli-Ana in the time we're going, end of the summer, beautiful, but sometimes in the evenings, a little chill. So, you might need to put some long trousers on.

William Hanson 0:15:45 And if I wanted to wear those trousers again the next day, is that okay, or do we need to wash them?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:48 Only if they're dirty.

William Hanson 0:15:50 Yeah, I'm trying to— hopefully won't get them dirty. Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:52 See, I get all my slacks dirty. I'm terrible. I wear a pair of slacks, and I've always got something down them.

William Hanson 0:15:59 Well, at your age.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:01 I get stains on my slacks, and I think, I don't even know where that came from. Do you know what I mean? Triple? Triple! I'm not in Pond Court, William.

William Hanson 0:16:15 Nice return to Pond Court.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:17 Oh yeah, we haven't mentioned Pond Court for a while, have we?

William Hanson 0:16:20 No, we were just explaining to Sadie what Pond Court actually is. Yeah. Because that was, um, before Sadie, or as we refer to it, BS.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:26 BS. Uh, William and I, for any new Bucketheads, when we are elderly, we're going to buy apartments In sheltered accommodation called Pond Court. It's in Hertfordshire, and we're going to have rooms maybe over the corridor from one another.

William Hanson 0:16:44 Yeah, yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:45 So we can pop in for coffee at 11, and we'll have orange triangles in case we need to summon Dougie if we have one of our falls, and a walk-in bath.

William Hanson 0:16:53 Yes, lovely.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:54 Independent living, and yet with a little bit of observation. I think that's just the mark of a better class of retired person.

William Hanson 0:17:02 I quite agree. Yeah. I guess we have BS before Sadie and then after Ollie, which would be AO. Sounds like a shopping website.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:10 It certainly does. Yeah, yeah.

William Hanson 0:17:12 Do you, with your luggage, do you have anything monogrammed? Genuine leather embellishments and initials, for example? Do you have luggage tags that maybe say JVS?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:21 Luggage tags? Yeah, but it's not—

William Hanson 0:17:25 I mean, inside, obviously, it's got your address and your name and all that.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:28 Yeah, luggage tags, but I don't think anything ostentatious. I think that looks a bit naff if you have kind of your initials on your luggage. I agree. Why not?

William Hanson 0:17:40 Not on the luggage. No, that would be ridiculous.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:42 But on the tags.

William Hanson 0:17:43 Yeah, just says WRHH.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:45 Of course it does. Yeah.

William Hanson 0:17:46 In fact, actually, on one side of the tag it says WRHH, and on the other side it says MTHW, which is Mike's.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:51 How very personalised plates. There you are, mincing through the airport with your personalised tags. Well, if it makes it—

William Hanson 0:18:02 It was complimentary.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:02 Okay, well, if it's complimentary, why not? Why not? Yeah. But no, I think—

William Hanson 0:18:07 Do you put your address in your tag, or do you just put your name and number? You know, obviously for lost luggage.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:12 No, there is address. Address of where I'm staying on the outbound flight.

William Hanson 0:18:18 Oh my God, do you change it?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:19 Oh yes.

William Hanson 0:18:20 Oh, you're such a good human being.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:22 Well, why not? I just have my home address.

William Hanson 0:18:25 I don't change it.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:27 If you're going to Argentina, what is the point of putting, you know, 1 Acacia Avenue, Hertfordshire?

William Hanson 0:18:33 Well, I'd much— yeah, but at least it's gonna be reunited with me eventually.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:37 No, no, no, no. I think it's best—

William Hanson 0:18:40 You change yours every time.

Speaker E 0:18:41 I don't have either, to be honest.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:43 You don't?

Speaker E 0:18:45 To be honest, I normally have my luggage with me.

Speaker F 0:18:49 It's not leaving my sight.

William Hanson 0:18:50 Oh, well, we haven't even got into hold versus carry-on. Yeah. I could never be a carry-on person. I pack too much. And I know they're relaxing the toiletries rule with 100 millilitres and whatever through security, but all of my toiletries are highly flammable and too big.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:09 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:19:09 And also too heavy. And I don't want to— I want— I like at the airport being able to sort of forget about my case. I've already got my hand luggage to worry about. Check it all in and then just relax, not wheel this through. I find it irritating when people are wheeling suitcases through airports.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:22 I had a bit of an irritating moment on the return flight from Malaga, actually, where I had a big holdall bag that was full of heno de Pravia and bin bags. I forgot I was going to bring you some bin bags in. Do you still have them? I've got some at home for you.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:40 I forgot. I forgot to bring them in. I've got some bin bags. And did you buy bin bags, Rodrigo? No, I didn't.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:47 And I had this big holdall full of bin bags and heno de Pravia. And when I got to the gate, this woman kind of stopped me and she went, Uh, does that fit in that?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:00 And there was this kind of metal cage thing, and she made me take my bag and try and put it in. Well, have you ever tried to squash 4,000 Henna de Pravia into a metal cage by the gate? I'm trying to squash it in, and it wouldn't go. And she went like this. She summoned me over.

William Hanson 0:20:19 Wiggled her finger. She wiggled her finger.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:21 She summoned me over, and she said, That needs to be checked in. And I said, but I don't want to check it in. It's— she said, it's too big to go in the hold. It needs to be checked in. So she then pushed me to the side and I was in priority boarding group 1. She pushed me to the side while all the boarding group 1, they all went through, as did 2. She then couldn't get the ticket working on the machine so she could print me a label. And I'm standing there I got quite eggy with her. I bet you did. I got quite eggy. But, um, eventually—

William Hanson 0:20:54 I would expect better from TUI.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:55 It was not TUI. And my, my bag then, I had to say goodbye, and I thought, that might be the last time I ever see my Anna de Pravia.

William Hanson 0:21:04 I've got some you can have.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:05 As it— you better not give that away. I will be— I can't. I will be—

William Hanson 0:21:10 I've tried.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:11 I will be livid. One of the main things we're going to do in Frigg is stock you up.

William Hanson 0:21:21 Can't wait. Do you— do your suitcases match in terms of colour or material?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:30 Uh, typically, yeah, but not the— no, no, no.

William Hanson 0:21:36 So, they're not like the Hyacinths where they're all— they're different sizes? No, they're not.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:39 I was just thinking my hand luggage suitcases do not match my main luggage cases.

William Hanson 0:21:45 Ah, you see, my hand luggage is just a soft bag. I don't have like a suitcase.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:50 I like a mini suitcase on wheels.

William Hanson 0:21:53 But what happens if you need to get, you know, your book out on the flight?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:56 Well, I normally have a backpack.

William Hanson 0:21:59 Oh, look at you, Dora the Explorer.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:02 I like a backpack, and I know where everything is in my backpack.

William Hanson 0:22:10 You have a backpack? Yes. That's just so not luxury.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:13 I have— well, I know it's not luxury, William, but it's—

William Hanson 0:22:16 Is it leather, or is it sort of, you know, like sports material?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:19 No, it's sports material.

William Hanson 0:22:20 Oh my God.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:21 I know, I know, I know, I know.

William Hanson 0:22:23 Jonathan, and you had the gall to turn your nose up when I said I liked a Whopper from McDonald's on New Year's Day.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:32 I do. It's Reebok.

William Hanson 0:22:34 Oh my God, are you okay? Jeez.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:44 Oh. I like it 'cause it's the right size For my wipes. Because I always take— I take antibac wipes because— and do you do—

William Hanson 0:22:56 How big are the wipes?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:57 Well, they're quite cumbersome because when I get on a plane, I can't—

William Hanson 0:23:01 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:01 I think it's disgusting the way people don't clean their area. When I get on, first thing I do before I do— I touch anything is I do my area.

William Hanson 0:23:10 Get your Anusol wipes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:12 And that involves I wipe I wipe my armrests, obviously. I wipe— why are you rolling your arm?

William Hanson 0:23:21 Oh, I wipe my arm. I just thought you were gonna say something else.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:24 I wipe my armrests. I wipe the seatbelt. You slide the wipe down the length of the seatbelt, and you get underneath that buckle.

William Hanson 0:23:33 This is too much.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:40 I wipe my buckle. You must wipe your window, you know, the blind that goes up, the little handle. If you're lucky enough, I do like a directional air conditioning vent. I do. You get them in the older planes, not so much with the new. I like my own vent.

William Hanson 0:23:58 Oh, I hate that.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:59 Always give it a wipe. Think how many fingers have been clutching away at that little nozzle. That, and then of course, tray.

William Hanson 0:24:07 Of course.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:08 And then you're normally good to go. And then I like to sanitise. Then it goes back in the backpack, and then it goes underneath the seat in front.

William Hanson 0:24:16 What else is in your backpack? Don't say you have a backpack just for wipes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:20 Well, it has wipes. I normally have— well, of course, I got in trouble when I took those peanuts. Do you remember? When I had my headphones on, I didn't hear the warning about someone with a severe nut allergy on the plane, Until they went into anaphylaxis. No, I was halfway through my bag of knobbies when this woman came over and banged me very firmly on the shoulder and said, no nuts! And I said, pardon?

William Hanson 0:24:52 I know you haven't left.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:57 She said, no nuts! And I said, what's the problem? She said, there's someone with a severe nut allergy on the plane. I said, well, I didn't know. And then I thought, oh, I've had my headphones on, I wouldn't have heard. So, normally I'd have my nuts or maybe a snack.

William Hanson 0:25:13 So, hang on. So far we have a really hideous-sounding backpack for wipes and nuts.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:19 Uh, wipes, nuts. I like my headphones because I wear old-fashioned headphones like this. Yeah, I don't like those little modern ones that you wear that go in your ears. Don't like that. I think they're very unhygienic, and I'm amazed you haven't picked up a So, I like—

William Hanson 0:25:32 I'm only— I'm not sticking them in anyone else. I'm just putting them in my own ears.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:36 I don't think that's quite nice.

William Hanson 0:25:38 And I do clean them.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:38 I have my headphones. They take up quite a bit of room. If I'm going on a reasonably long-haul flight, I like to pack my pyjamas. My pyjama shorts and a top.

William Hanson 0:25:50 Do they not give you them?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:51 No, they— no, they don't. No. I pack my pyjamas. They do when I fly. So, I can have a change of outfit. What else do I have in there? I'm not really sure. That's kind of it. Normally on the return trip, it's packed with Enna de Pravia and more bin bags.

William Hanson 0:26:14 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:15 I came back from Spain this year, and I think I'd bought over 100 bin bag rolls. They'll see me out.

William Hanson 0:26:26 They will.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:26 Won't they?

William Hanson 0:26:27 You can just bring back 100 for Sadie when you come back and—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:29 I got stopped by the security man when he scanned my backpack, and he pulled me over at the side.

William Hanson 0:26:36 He probably smelled it before he could scan it.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:38 Well, he pulled me over to the side, and obviously it had scanned— you can imagine what it looked like. I mean, there were literally, I think, about 60 bars of soap in this bag, all packed. It must have looked like I got Semtex or something in there. So he—

William Hanson 0:26:52 Lavender Semtex.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:53 He pulled me over and I said, It's okay, it's Ennio De Pravia, señor. And he went, Ennio De Pravia? I said, yes, it's Ennio De Pravia. And he opened it up and he went, oh, Ennio De Pravia, yeah. And then he let me go.

William Hanson 0:27:06 What does Ennio De Pravia mean?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:08 It's a name.

William Hanson 0:27:09 Yeah, but it must mean something.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:11 I don't know, what's it mean, Rodrigo? Just a name. It's a name.

William Hanson 0:27:14 Well, it should have a meaning.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:16 There you go. Oh! What?

William Hanson 0:27:18 Can you hear that?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:19 Oh, I better get it! It's probably someone very important.

William Hanson 0:27:23 We'll be back momentarily.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:45 Welcome back, Bucketheads. We've been discussing luggage. It's now time for your questions, so let's check out our heaving bags of post. Do remember, if there's something on your mind that needs a luxury touch, postman@luxurypodcast.co.uk is the place for your queries and your questions.

William Hanson 0:30:03 This first one is from Lisa to Jonathan and William.

William Hanson 0:30:05 A colleague of mine and a fellow enthusiast of The Luxury Podcast has recently booked what can only be described as a spirited package holiday to Corfu. Less jet-set, more Jet2. In preparation for his Mediterranean grand tour, he purchased a set of executive cream-coloured suitcases, seemingly in the hope of distinguishing himself from the masses queuing for Gate 42 with neck pillows and Pringles.

William Hanson 0:30:28 His concern, however, is that these alabaster chariots of travel may not survive their inevitable encounter with the burly luggage handlers, who are known to treat checked baggage with all the tenderness of a hammer thrower warming up for a competition. To preserve his investment, I suggested bespoke PVC luggage covers. Not the common airport cling film mummification service, you understand. Who'd do that? But tailored protective garments designed to keep one's cases dry, pristine, and free from filthy fingerprints of the travelling public.

William Hanson 0:30:57 His reaction was one of utter horror. He declared the idea irredeemably common, as though I had suggested attaching a spoiler and underglow lighting to a remover trunk. So I turn to you for arbitration. When embarking upon the occasional package holiday in the sun, is the discerning traveller wise to sheathe their executive cream luggage in protective PVC couture, or does true luxury involve allowing one's luggage to be battered, scuffed, and grazed by airport machinery as a badge of worldly sophistication? Yours in anticipation of your most superlative guidance, a concerned protector of cream luggage, Thank you for using words all of 4 syllables.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:32 Yes, that was quite complicated. I'm glad you read that.

William Hanson 0:31:34 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:35 The— I don't think you want—

William Hanson 0:31:36 Yeah, especially when the next one for you is one sentence.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:39 Yeah. I don't think you want it looking too pristine.

William Hanson 0:31:42 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:42 Because that says, I've never travelled. No.

William Hanson 0:31:45 You do want a little bit of love. You want to go, oh, that dent.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:48 Oh, there she is. Changi Airport. My trusty old girl on the conveyor belt. Here she comes. Yes. That's what you want. But you do— what you don't want is manky, skanky old luggage.

William Hanson 0:32:00 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:00 You know, you know when those bags come out and you look— because I always like to get— you know when you get to the conveyor belt and you think, right, which way does it come out? Where's the entrance and where's the exit?

William Hanson 0:32:13 Yes. And you're always in the wrong place.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:15 So, I always head for the entrance, and I stand there. I like to be one of the first.

William Hanson 0:32:22 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:23 And I do like, as the luggage starts coming out, and it's never your— I mean, mine always has priority tags.

William Hanson 0:32:29 Which I don't think mean anything. They don't mean anything, do they? Some airports are very good at it. I would say Middle Eastern airports. Now, you've only been to the Middle East once with me, when we went on board— when we were invited on board the QE2.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:39 QE2.

William Hanson 0:32:40 There, they take notice of priority tags.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:44 No. Here?

William Hanson 0:32:45 Here, forget it.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:46 No, exactly. So, the bags start coming out, and you know, you look at some people's bags and you What are you doing? What are you thinking of? It's a miracle that old thing made the journey. They pack these manky old suitcases.

William Hanson 0:33:01 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:02 And then, you know, when— do you ever see the one where it's started to fall apart and there's bits of people's clothes falling out? How embarrassing.

William Hanson 0:33:10 So embarrassing. That's where you need a rainbow strap.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:13 As my luggage comes out, I just like to think it looks— it's like the Volvo of the luggage world. Solid, dependable. It's been there, and it's done it, and it's ready to go again.

William Hanson 0:33:27 Yeah, nice.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:28 That's what you want, isn't it?

William Hanson 0:33:29 That is nice. So, I— but in terms of the sort of the— because actually, when we got our Removers, I thought, oh, initially I was like, oh, do I get sort of bespoke things? Or some of them are bespoke, some of them you can buy sort of slips for them. No, because then I learned about the executive cleaning service, And the fact that my hardware's insured.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:48 Joe has been in touch, William.

William Hanson 0:33:49 Oh, God.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:50 And says—

William Hanson 0:33:50 Deep breath for this one.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:51 Do you use luxury packing cubes when preparing for a trip with your matching executive luggage with the genuine leather embellishments and initials? What are packing cubes?

William Hanson 0:34:04 So, I have used them. They are different— you get them in different sizes, and you sort of— so you put all your shirts in one, zip it up, put the shirts in, all your trousers in one, zip it up. Personally, they're a lovely idea, and sometimes they work, but I know I just put it sort of all in order, you know, all the light stuff at the top, the heavy stuff at the bottom, etc., all of that. But I don't often use the bag.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:30 Do you use the sheets of paper?

William Hanson 0:34:32 I have done. Back in my single days, I absolutely used that.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:36 When you had more time.

William Hanson 0:34:37 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:38 Well, that's nice, though.

William Hanson 0:34:39 Acid-free tissue paper.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:40 Acid-free tissue paper says to the staff in a hotel, he's better than you.

William Hanson 0:34:46 Yes. Treat this with respect. I do think hotels should offer— I mean, I know some hotels do offer this if you sort of have a butler or you're in a suite, but an unpacking service. I think even for a standard entry-level room, I'd absolutely pay for it to arrive. I hate unpacking.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:05 You won't get that at the Balcon. You won't get it at all. Well, at least I'm in. But I can't wait for you to meet Paula.

William Hanson 0:35:12 Oh yes, I can say you'll remember me. Yes, I phoned up 5 months ago.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:18 Paula? Yeah.

William Hanson 0:35:19 Yeah, asking for one of your better classrooms.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:22 I think I met Paula.

William Hanson 0:35:24 Did you?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:24 When I was in Frigg, and I went into the Balcon trying to secure you a room, and I went in, and there was a lady on the desk, and I had a chat with her, and I thought, she sounds like Paula. But I didn't like to say, are you Paula? Because I thought she might think that I was a weirdo, and I didn't think that would help your cause. But I'm fairly sure that was Paula.

William Hanson 0:35:43 This next one is from Paul.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:44 Oh yeah.

William Hanson 0:35:45 Dear William and Jonathan, for this forthcoming episode, I immediately thought of Lord Melbury's luggage in the Fawlty Towers episode A Touch of Class. And then there's a bit of script here. Sybil, well, I've never seen such tatty— In fact, should we do this? Do you want to be Sybil or Basil?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:58 Oh God. I'll be Sybil.

William Hanson 0:36:01 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:36:02 I think it suits my voice more. Oh, the late Prunella Scales? Well, I've never seen such tatty cases.

William Hanson 0:36:10 It's only the true upper class that would have tat like that. It's the whole point.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:36:14 I like the way you're throwing yourself into this role of Basil.

William Hanson 0:36:18 Oh, you don't know what I'm talking about, do you?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:36:21 Oh, that's it, is it?

William Hanson 0:36:24 Yeah, no, I don't.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:36:25 No, I don't.

William Hanson 0:36:26 So, is it luxury to have well-worn, battered suitcases, or should one ensure that luggage is always looking pristine and maintained up to and above British standards? Well, again, it just needs to have a bit of character. Yeah, it doesn't need to— I mean, it is at some point always going to look box fresh because it will be the first trip you take it on, although you could give it a bit of a kick.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:36:47 I would take it around the block, take it, um, maybe take it on a bus, For a little trip. And that way, it will scarf, it will get some marks. And then when you do arrive at the airport, other passengers will not look at you and think, oh, look, it's their first holiday abroad, bless them.

William Hanson 0:37:06 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:37:07 Yeah. You don't want that.

William Hanson 0:37:08 No, you don't.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:37:09 John's been in touch and says, my Luxury Lords, I love this podcast more than words can say. It brings me so much joy.

William Hanson 0:37:19 Thank you, John.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:37:20 When it comes to suitcases, my partner— yes, another gay— insists on hard. He says he likes it firm, doesn't want anything giving under pressure. I prefer soft myself. More room to stretch, flexible, adaptable, bends to fit the situation, can take a beating, and handles a rough ride better. We've hit a wall in the bedroom— sorry, at baggage claim— and we need a neutral party to weigh in. So, do you prefer it hard or soft, or is it all about how well you pack it? Waiting with bated breath, John in luxury Bloomsbury.

William Hanson 0:38:02 I definitely prefer it hard. I don't think soft— I think soft cases go in and out of fashion. And I would say at the moment, they're fairly out of fashion. I mean, Hyacinth's genuine matching suitcases were all green felt with sort of those sort of tan straps. And actually, that is what we had growing up, hilariously. That was my parents' luggage.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:38:22 Yeah, we did as well.

William Hanson 0:38:23 And it was on 2 wheels, and you'd have to sort of pick it up.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:38:26 Yes, there was a handle at one end of it, wasn't there?

William Hanson 0:38:29 Yeah, it was dark, dark old days. But no, I think a harder suitcase is much nicer.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:38:35 I think it depends though. You've got to get good quality, because if you go for a cheap hard case—

William Hanson 0:38:40 You can have cheap ones that are so bendy.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:38:42 Yeah, yeah. And then they crack, and that's when, you know, it comes out through those flaps on the conveyor belt and half your pants are on show.

William Hanson 0:38:51 You will— you can admire my Rimowa luggage when I come to France.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:38:56 Well, it's going to be quite a complicated affair when I come to pick you up from the airport.

William Hanson 0:39:00 It's been pretty complicated already.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:39:02 Well, it has, but it's going to get even more complicated. I've got to— I've never done a pickup before from the airport in Malaga. I've got to go to a special area. I've got to park the car.

William Hanson 0:39:14 Again, I don't need to come.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:39:16 No, no, I mean, I think we're this committed now. We booked a yacht. What are you— you can't back out now. We booked a yacht, for goodness' sake.

William Hanson 0:39:26 What have you got for a yacht?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:39:27 You've got a room at the Balcon. You can't back out now just because I'm going to find it complicated to park the car. So, I'm going to come and pick you up, and I'll be waiting there. I'll have a sign.

William Hanson 0:39:39 It shouldn't say my name. That's not very luxury.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:39:42 What do you want me to put? I was just going to put Hanson.

William Hanson 0:39:46 Well, no, because— well, that would be fine. Or William.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:39:50 William? William would be fine, but not—

William Hanson 0:39:51 don't put both names.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:39:52 Right.

William Hanson 0:39:53 From a security— I'm not saying me for security, but generally you don't—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:39:57 I was going to say, do you think Malaga's going to know who you are?

William Hanson 0:40:01 No. Well, thank you. Or they will! No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:40:04 They'll be like, ah, TikTok?

William Hanson 0:40:10 When you have a VIP, you don't put their name. You either put the name of the hotel or a code word.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:40:17 So shall I just put balcon?

William Hanson 0:40:18 Oh no, 'cause I guess that then when they see me—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:40:22 Oh, frig!

William Hanson 0:40:23 Wednesday.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:40:24 Wednesday!

William Hanson 0:40:30 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:40:30 Yeah. Okay. All right. So, I've got to park the car. I've got to come and pick you up. Got to get— then we've got to head back along the coast.

William Hanson 0:40:37 Yes. How long's the journey?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:40:39 Uh, about 50-odd minutes or so. What?

William Hanson 0:40:44 I don't— one of my least favourite things is when you arrive somewhere and you're excited, and then there's a long car journey to your hotel.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:40:52 But with me! I mean, It would be worse for me. I've got to drive on my own to come and get you, haven't I?

William Hanson 0:40:59 True, true. You know. You can sing along to Jane McDonald.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:41:02 Well, I probably will have some Jane McDonald classics going on. And I've got to— yeah, so I've got to drive, pick you up, then we drive back. Do you want me to take you on the motorway or the scenic route?

William Hanson 0:41:13 Whatever's quickest.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:41:14 Oh, the motorway.

William Hanson 0:41:15 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:41:15 And then we head into the Balfour—

William Hanson 0:41:17 We'll do the scenic route on the way back. When we leave.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:41:19 Oh no!

William Hanson 0:41:20 Oh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:41:21 Oh, I'll be stressed. What if, what if you miss your flight? No.

William Hanson 0:41:25 An extra night.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:41:27 You won't have anywhere to stay.

William Hanson 0:41:31 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:41:32 Anyway, well, I can't wait to see your luggage in our forthcoming trip to Frigg.

William Hanson 0:41:37 But, John, in answer to you and your partner's question, I think a harder case is a bit more durable, but a good quality hardness.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:41:44 Go for quality. It's always worth spending money on Well, I think that'll do. Yeah. It's more than enough luxury, isn't it, for today? It is. We will, of course, be back tomorrow for one of our luxury bonus episodes, but until then, goodbye!