Splashed Slacks and Heritage CCTV

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:00:44 Hello and welcome to The Luxury Podcast. My name's Jonathan Vernon-Smith, and with me is William Hanson.

William Hanson 0:01:00 This is the podcast that helps you live Hello, Jonathan and I are here to help you create the everyday moments of luxury that make life worth living, whatever your budget.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:01:08 So welcome to another bonus episode of The Luxury Podcast, where William and I trade tips and stories from our own luxury lifestyles, as well as delving into our lovely great big male sacks. So William, how's your week been?

William Hanson 0:01:21 It's been a very exciting week, um, because I don't know if you saw— well, A big, big star is coming, or has come to Titanique.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:01:31 I've heard all about this.

William Hanson 0:01:33 And indeed, a big star is coming at the end of the week as well.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:01:35 That's true. That's you. Oh, thank you. Thank you very much. You are coming.

William Hanson 0:01:39 But on Tuesday, who came? Did you see?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:01:42 I saw—

William Hanson 0:01:43 This was Tuesday last week.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:01:45 It was old big voice, Adele.

William Hanson 0:01:47 Adele.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:01:48 Yes.

William Hanson 0:01:49 Adele.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:01:49 Adele was there. Did she give you any feedback?

William Hanson 0:01:54 No, no feedback. She loved it. She said hello. She talked about my voice, which I thought was a bit rich.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:01:59 What did she say?

William Hanson 0:02:00 Well, I don't want to ruin it for you, but she talked about my RP. And she said, I've recently learned RP for a film I'm doing.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:10 You're making her sound a bit common.

William Hanson 0:02:12 But she loved it. She was so close to the front of the stage. I mean, literally, she was in the 4th row in the centre. Oh, how off-putting. You could hear her.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:22 Really?

William Hanson 0:02:23 Like all that.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:25 Oh.

William Hanson 0:02:25 Like a high-pitched Alan Carr.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:27 Must have been like me at Mrs. Doubtfire.

William Hanson 0:02:32 But she was lovely.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:33 Right.

William Hanson 0:02:33 She's very nice.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:34 Who was she there with?

William Hanson 0:02:35 Friends.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:36 Oh.

William Hanson 0:02:37 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:37 Gays?

William Hanson 0:02:38 2 of them were gay, yes. Of course she was.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:40 She was there with gays. Full of gays, isn't it?

William Hanson 0:02:43 And female friends.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:43 And females as well?

William Hanson 0:02:45 Yeah, yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:46 How lovely.

William Hanson 0:02:46 I know.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:47 How diverse that show's become. Since you joined.

William Hanson 0:02:52 Yes. Well, I hope you have a good audience. And Sadie's coming tonight.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:56 Sadie is going tonight. And Rodrigo. Very excited. You going tonight, Rodrigo? Yes, I am. Oh, there you go. Of course you got the word.

William Hanson 0:03:02 I'll be able to smell him with this tulipán negro.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:05 Tulipán negro, Rodrigo!

William Hanson 0:03:07 So yes, that's all very exciting. Everyone's coming, you know, what a week to come. Adele, Sadie, you. All the best.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:18 Well, it's a fully air-conditioned theatre, so I would imagine they're just coming to get out the heat. That's what it is. They're coming to cool down.

William Hanson 0:03:25 Adele might have air conditioning at home. I don't know.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:28 Do you think she does? Where does she live? Probably near me.

William Hanson 0:03:31 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:32 Somewhere luxury executive in the countryside.

William Hanson 0:03:36 Yeah. Somewhere with electric gates. I'm seeing.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:40 And an in-and-out drive. Yeah, I would have thought so. So you've had a good week. You've had the stars watching you.

William Hanson 0:03:46 And not only that, I have had security CCTV installed.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:52 Have you?

William Hanson 0:03:53 Yes, Gary, our security installer for a better class of premises.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:58 Yes.

William Hanson 0:03:59 There we go, look, we've gone live to the front door.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:01 Oh, look at that quality.

William Hanson 0:04:03 Yes, that's the old front door. Don't judge. Still in the process.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:07 What a smart picture.

William Hanson 0:04:09 Yes, and you know, you can zoom in.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:11 Of course you can.

William Hanson 0:04:11 There's my bush.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:12 Oh, even your bush is in HD.

William Hanson 0:04:16 Yes. Um, 4K, actually.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:19 What, is that how much it cost?

William Hanson 0:04:20 No, no, actually 4K quality.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:25 Right.

William Hanson 0:04:26 Now, they didn't do your cameras, did they?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:28 No, no, they didn't.

William Hanson 0:04:29 But I said to him, I said, is this a better camera than what Jonathan's got? And he looked at me and just went, Significantly.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:40 He doesn't even know what I've got. He's noticed.

William Hanson 0:04:45 He said you have got what they now call part of their heritage collection.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:48 Do you know what? I'm gonna sack that company. Honestly, the business I've put their way, and all they do is run down my security to everyone else. Oh dear.

William Hanson 0:05:04 So, I'm very pleased.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:06 So, don't tell us everything, because obviously you don't want to give everything away to potential luxury burglars who might be listening.

William Hanson 0:05:12 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:13 But how much have you had done?

William Hanson 0:05:15 I haven't had my perimeter secured, because I talked to Gary about this, and I said, Jonathan wants my perimeter secured. And he sort of looked around and went, how? You don't need it. You've got— I've got a great big 30-foot fence at the back, because we're back onto the school.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:31 Prison. Yeah.

William Hanson 0:05:32 Can't wait for the school holidays, by the way. And And then again, we're, you know, we're on a terrace, so you're gonna really— and then also we've got all the stuff on the back windows anyway. So, right, I'll sort of— and also, what are they going to take from the garden? The barbecue? They're not going to get that over the thing.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:48 They're definitely not. No.

William Hanson 0:05:49 Or our table and chairs? Like, there's nothing in the garden. You obviously don't want a stranger in your back garden. You don't. Tried it. But you don't, you know, it's nice to know who's there.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:03 Right. Well, I'm pleased you've been fully CCTV'd.

William Hanson 0:06:07 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:07 By a team of professionals, no doubt to and above British standards.

William Hanson 0:06:12 Oh, beyond.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:13 Oh, beyond?

William Hanson 0:06:14 International standards, actually. Oh my word. Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:17 Well, this is fantastic. I've got exciting news as well. I want you to be the first to know, William.

William Hanson 0:06:23 Yes?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:23 I'm going Kamado. I am. I'm going Kamado. What? I'm going kamado.

William Hanson 0:06:31 I thought those trousers looked a bit tight.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:34 Why are you looking down at my trousers? I'm going kamado.

William Hanson 0:06:39 What does that mean in English?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:40 I'm being barbecued in the— but I'm being barbecued— You know the Big Egg?

William Hanson 0:06:47 Oh yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:48 Right. I'm not going for that.

William Hanson 0:06:50 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:50 I'm going for a local version Of an egg.

William Hanson 0:06:56 Oh, okay. How do I spell this?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:58 Kamado.

William Hanson 0:06:59 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:00 I'm going for a— it's called a Kamagir Kamado V2. Oh, yes.

William Hanson 0:07:08 And what— gas, coal, electric, charcoal?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:12 Charcoal, William.

William Hanson 0:07:13 Gosh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:14 Because I've got the gas, I've got the electric. The only thing I don't have is the charcoal.

William Hanson 0:07:21 Looks like a bird.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:22 That's not what I've got. You're on the wrong company.

William Hanson 0:07:25 Well, this is kamado-kings.com.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:27 Yeah, that's not what I just said.

William Hanson 0:07:29 Okay. I don't pay attention. What do I look up?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:36 Go on Kamagear V2.

William Hanson 0:07:40 Cam—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:40 Kamagear V2.

William Hanson 0:07:44 It sounds a touch Japanese.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:48 It's not Japanese.

William Hanson 0:07:49 Oh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:49 And I've gone for it in olive green.

William Hanson 0:07:52 That one? Oh gosh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:56 It's like a great big hand grenade.

William Hanson 0:08:00 It does look like a hand grenade.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:01 Isn't it? It's like a hand grenade. But inside, I fill it with charcoal, and I can do charcoal smoking and barbecuing. What?

William Hanson 0:08:10 You can mop your meat in the middle of the night.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:13 Do you know, you jest. Guess what I was YouTubing this week? How do I do an overnight brisket? I'm doing an overnight brisket, William.

William Hanson 0:08:21 For me?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:21 If you want one, yeah. I've already—

William Hanson 0:08:25 Be around Saturday.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:26 I mean, I've not even got the thing yet. It's coming tomorrow.

William Hanson 0:08:28 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:29 But I've already bought my special rubber gloves. I've got special rubber gloves. They're—

William Hanson 0:08:45 You'll have to watch on Patreon to see why I laughed at that. 'Cause Jonathan did a little action.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:51 I've got my special barbecue rubber gloves. So— So, and they're here.

William Hanson 0:09:02 They'll pay for themselves.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:10 They're heat resistant, so I can handle my meat even when it's at very high temperature.

William Hanson 0:09:16 Excellent.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:17 Over an open flame. I've got that. I've also bought a couple of temperature probes.

William Hanson 0:09:23 Good, yeah, just to check.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:24 Have you got them?

William Hanson 0:09:25 I've still got the one Dr. Lisa gave me years ago.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:28 Have you got the Wi-Fi connected ones though?

William Hanson 0:09:30 Why do I need it to be connected to the Wi-Fi?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:32 William, you are getting—

William Hanson 0:09:33 Oh, I've got a metre.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:34 Oh, you have?

William Hanson 0:09:35 Yeah, I've got one of those.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:36 Oh right, everybody's like that.

William Hanson 0:09:38 I've never used it on the barbecue because we don't do over— you know, it's only on it for like 10 minutes, so.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:42 Right. Well, I bought a couple of those so I can just check my internal temperatures, and I can't wait. Comes tomorrow.

William Hanson 0:09:51 Wow, exciting. All round to yours.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:53 Yes. Well, I'm going to organise a luxury soiree.

William Hanson 0:09:57 Oh, lovely.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:57 Yeah. Okay. I think it's my turn to host, isn't it?

William Hanson 0:10:00 Is it going to be the same sort of demographic?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:03 I think it is, yeah.

William Hanson 0:10:04 Okay, lovely.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:04 And I just think, I think I'm going to do— I'm going to stretch myself from a barbecue perspective.

William Hanson 0:10:10 That's why you'll need the gloves.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:11 I'm gonna put my gloves on and stretch myself.

William Hanson 0:10:32 Quick all-round to Jonathan's. He's gloved up.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:34 So, that's what's happening in my life this week.

William Hanson 0:10:39 Excellent.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:40 It's very exciting, isn't it?

William Hanson 0:10:41 And have you got a weekend at home to— other than coming to Dyson HQ?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:45 Yeah, no, I can't. I can't play with my toy. I'm coming down to see you.

William Hanson 0:10:53 Sorry.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:54 They'll probably— How about the Sunday? A faint aroma of charcoal about me when you embrace me warmly.

William Hanson 0:10:59 Do you know where you're sitting?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:01 On Saturday? No.

William Hanson 0:11:02 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:02 No.

William Hanson 0:11:03 Can you tell me when you look— when you find out?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:05 Why is that?

William Hanson 0:11:07 Just 'cause I like to know. I like to sing to friends at the end.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:09 You'll know.

William Hanson 0:11:11 I'll be able to hear you. Well, you may not laugh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:13 Have you said anything about last time?

William Hanson 0:11:16 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:17 I'm sure I will, because you are hilarious.

William Hanson 0:11:21 Well, thank you very much. We, um, The Frigg drama continues, doesn't it?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:29 Well, it does continue.

William Hanson 0:11:30 Luckily, months away.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:32 After our conversation last week, yeah, where we talked about how the Balkan is all fully booked and you are booked into an apartment up the end of a very steep hill, I checked while I was in bed the other evening. I checked, And sure enough, a sea view room became available at the Balcom. And I thought, oh, quick, let me message William. And I thought, during the interval, he'll see this message.

William Hanson 0:12:05 Yeah, I've got nothing else better to do in the interval.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:07 He'll see this message, he'll be straight on booking the Balcom. And when I woke up the next morning, I looked and you'd— I saw the blue ticks. I thought, good, he's seen it. He's actioned it. No doubt he has done it. I went online, I checked. Sure enough, the room had gone. Yeah. When I messaged you, I said, did you manage to secure the room? You tell everyone what happened.

William Hanson 0:12:31 Well, I told you that I hadn't booked it, but I had booked it.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:39 Oh, yeah!

William Hanson 0:12:42 I'm in the Balkan, everyone.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:44 Oh, thank goodness for that. You are a devil.

William Hanson 0:12:47 I know.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:47 You are a devil, because I've been checking it literally 5 times a day ever since.

William Hanson 0:12:51 I felt really bad because I went, oh God, we're only— we're recording in 4 days. I'll hold.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:57 Sorry. Oh, William.

William Hanson 0:12:59 But I knew you'd be happy.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:00 I'm very happy.

William Hanson 0:13:02 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:03 I was actually quite angry with you when I saw it. I was like, for God's sake, how much more do I have to do?

William Hanson 0:13:08 Well, you could have booked it for me, and I could have transferred you the money. I was going to— There is always that, Jonathan.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:13 Sadie asked me the question earlier because I was telling producer Sadie, and she said, why didn't you just book it? And I said, well, it was quite expensive, and I thought I didn't want to commit your money.

William Hanson 0:13:24 Oh, yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:24 Just in case you kind of thought, oh, actually, I didn't intend to spend that much.

William Hanson 0:13:29 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:30 But, um, oh, I'm delighted.

William Hanson 0:13:32 There we go.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:32 This is fantastic.

William Hanson 0:13:35 I knew you'd be happy.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:36 Oh, I am thrilled. Oh, your own sea view. Oh, lovely. I hope I get upgraded. Well, maybe we should keep checking in case a better suite becomes available, because you're only in a standard room.

William Hanson 0:13:51 But I'm not going to be in it for very long because I'm going to be hanging out with you.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:54 You will be hanging out with me virtually all the time. And of course, this weekend I also had another fantastic idea. We must go yachting.

William Hanson 0:14:03 Yes! You sent me a link to a yacht.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:05 Yes, we're going.

William Hanson 0:14:06 And you asked me to book that as well.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:08 No, you offered to book that. Oh, did I? Okay. Yes. I'm happy to book it if you'd like.

William Hanson 0:14:12 No, no. Don't spend any of your money.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:15 I'm chartering a yacht for us while we're there.

William Hanson 0:14:18 Contessados.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:20 It will be a very significant yacht. I don't know if we get our own skipper, but we'll need a full team. And I shall insist that they wear a uniform.

William Hanson 0:14:31 The poop deck will be awash with semen.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:42 Spanish semen.

William Hanson 0:14:44 Semen.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:46 Oh, this is really looking up.

William Hanson 0:14:54 It is, thank God. Oh, this is fantastic.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:56 You're in the Balcon, we've got a yacht.

William Hanson 0:14:58 Well, we haven't yet.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:00 What? You've not booked it yet?

William Hanson 0:15:01 No, I haven't booked it yet. I've been too busy booking the Balcon.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:04 William, that won't be booked up at this rate. You've got to strike while the iron's hot.

William Hanson 0:15:09 We haven't talked about when in my 3 days— that feels like 3 weeks— when in those 3 days we are having the yacht.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:16 I think on the Saturday.

William Hanson 0:15:18 So that's day 1, I guess, proper day.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:21 Yeah. Do you think so?

William Hanson 0:15:22 When are we doing the app? We have to remember.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:29 Yeah, we are supposed to be working on that.

William Hanson 0:15:31 Yeah, maybe we do it on the Sunday, 'cause then we can talk about what we've done on the Saturday. You can take me up to the Mercadona. We can go on the yacht.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:37 Oh, this is— oh, I'm so— oh, I wish it was tomorrow! This is gonna be so much fun.

William Hanson 0:15:42 It's months away.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:43 It is months away.

William Hanson 0:15:44 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:45 But this is gonna be fantastic. The only slight worry, Pam from the pool struggling to find an apartment.

William Hanson 0:15:51 There's one going free.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:54 I haven't cancelled that yet. She could stay up your hill.

William Hanson 0:15:57 Yeah, she can take her wok up the hill. Dragging her wok behind her. Clonk, clonk, clonk up each step.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:07 That's a good idea. Generally. Wow.

William Hanson 0:16:11 That is actually— I haven't cancelled it yet.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:12 Oh, okay. Well, I'll mention it.

William Hanson 0:16:15 To be fair, the original Hotel Up the Dirt track, I have emailed to say, please cancel this. Haven't heard anything back. So at this rate, I'm gonna have 3.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:25 I can do it. Have you given your credit card details?

William Hanson 0:16:28 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:29 Oh. Email them again. I mean, it is Spain, so they can take quite a while to action things.

William Hanson 0:16:37 They're probably having a siesta.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:38 Get Rodrigo to call up. You're going up, won't you, Rodrigo? Yes. He can have a chat with them.

William Hanson 0:16:48 Now, talking of Rodrigo, you've just told me— now, you must have learned this when you were on holiday with him in Nerja— that Rodrigo is a world-class violinist.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:57 He is. He is trained, musically trained, to a professional standard.

William Hanson 0:17:02 That's amazing.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:04 He's the Vanessa May of the United Kingdom.

William Hanson 0:17:07 Well, he's from Peru.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:09 Well, he is, but he's, he's marvellous. Is he? We should get him in one day, bring his violin on.

William Hanson 0:17:16 He could play the Luxury Podcast theme on the violin.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:18 Oh, he could. He could, absolutely.

William Hanson 0:17:21 Yeah. Yeah. I don't know how that would go.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:24 That'd be quite funny to watch.

William Hanson 0:17:25 Yeah. Rodrigo, do you still play? Yeah, yes, I do. Do you sort of get it out at home and have a play?

Speaker F 0:17:33 I can do—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:35 if you want me to. If you want me to.

William Hanson 0:17:42 Oh, Rodrigo's got a Stradivarius out again. What do you— is it a Stradivarius?

Speaker G 0:17:47 I wish.

William Hanson 0:17:48 Oh, what is it?

Speaker G 0:17:51 My violin is a British violin.

William Hanson 0:17:53 Ah, none of your foreign nonsense.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:57 Quite right, too.

Speaker G 0:17:58 National.

William Hanson 0:18:00 Excellent. Well, I think that's— Sadie, do you play a musical instrument?

Speaker H 0:18:03 I can play the guitar a little bit.

William Hanson 0:18:05 Oh, we could have a little orchestra.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:07 Yes.

William Hanson 0:18:08 Luxury live. Sadie on the guitar. Shredding. What?

Speaker I 0:18:14 Shredding the guitar.

William Hanson 0:18:15 Yeah?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:16 I could bring my keyboard.

William Hanson 0:18:17 And your voice.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:19 And my voice.

William Hanson 0:18:20 I don't know what I'll do. Rodrigo—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:23 Castanets.

William Hanson 0:18:24 Yes. Triangle. You could get them in frig. Yeah. And Rodrigo on the violin.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:28 Oh.

William Hanson 0:18:29 We could, we could be like The Chorus.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:31 Oh, they're a bunch of mingers. Aren't they? Well, you could get Rodrigo— when we get Rodrigo on, should we get him on the podcast sometime?

William Hanson 0:18:44 If he'd like to come on, if we can afford him. We've got to pay musicians' fees now.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:48 Yeah. Where would he sit though?

William Hanson 0:18:50 He could come around this side of the table and have a fiddle.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:53 I thought you were going to forget. That's a very good idea, William.

William Hanson 0:19:11 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:12 It's a very good idea. Is that the break? Yes. Rodri, you're having a fiddle.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:11 Welcome back, Bucketheads. We're going to read your questions now, so let's dive into our heaving bags of post. Do remember, if there's something on your mind that needs a luxury touch, postman@luxurypodcast.co.uk is the place for your queries and your questions.

William Hanson 0:21:28 This first one is from Ella. Greetings, William and Jonathan.

William Hanson 0:21:31 The story you're about to read became my absolute pet hate when I worked in retail a couple of years ago. I worked for about a year in a variety of shops located at a very well-known theme park in the UK. I was in one of these said shops with another colleague who was a few years younger than me. I was 23 at the time. It got close to closing time and we began to put things away and get everything ready for the following day.

William Hanson 0:21:51 As with working in any shop, you always have stragglers who are still looking around the shop and wanting to buy things at the last minute whilst you're trying to close down. During this time, we were reminding them that the park was now closing and that we needed to close the shop. I stood by the door to ensure people were leaving, but nobody was coming in to do any more last-minute purchases that they had all day to do. This was when I was approached by a man and his child. He said that his child wanted to buy a toy from the shop and that they would be in and out quickly, which I can tell you is never true and they always take bloody ages.

William Hanson 0:22:22 I said I was very sorry that we were closed and just waiting for the final family to leave so we could close the shop. At this point, it was about 20 minutes after close time. He kept asking and asking, even at one point trying to get the family who were in there to take his card and get the toy for him, which we both said no to. The family left and we cashed out the till and began to mop the top floor. At this point, the child began to cry and was upset at the fact he couldn't have the toy.

William Hanson 0:22:45 To this, his dad turned around to both of us and calling us the C-word. Now, anyone who works in jobs where customers are always right knows how hard it is not to respond to these types of comments, but it was one of the very few times I nearly replied. In your opinion, how close to closing time is still acceptable for a customer to enter an establishment? Should customers be allowed to enter right up until the advertised closing time and remain after closing to finish their purchase or meal, Or should they be expected to leave by the stated closing time? Ella.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:12 That's interesting.

William Hanson 0:23:14 Well, if the shop closes at 5, then maybe at 10 to 5, you announce 10 minutes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:20 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:23:21 5 minutes to go, could everyone please, you know, leave?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:24 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:23:25 And then you don't admit any more beyond 5 o'clock.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:27 No. I would lock the door at 5 and then only unlock it to allow customers out.

William Hanson 0:23:34 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:36 And then, and then if anybody bangs on the door, uh, you can just say, what time you open tomorrow? See you tomorrow. And that wouldn't work at a theme park, admittedly.

William Hanson 0:23:45 Well, you could go back another day.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:46 You could do.

William Hanson 0:23:46 Well, that's the other thing. I'm sure the theme park is still there.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:49 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:23:49 Go back another day.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:50 Yeah, quite.

William Hanson 0:23:51 Order online. Offer a solution. You can— we have a website. That soft toy or whatever is available online.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:57 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:23:58 Potentially.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:58 But I think you did, you did Britain a favour.

William Hanson 0:24:01 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:01 In not allowing that rude C-word-using man in.

William Hanson 0:24:05 We don't want his money to fuel the economy.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:06 We definitely do not.

William Hanson 0:24:08 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:08 Henry's been in touch. Henry says, dear William and Jonathan, I run an attractively compact tea room and zoo here in Kent. For some time, something's been bothering me. Now, I know William is the expert when it comes to all things coffee.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:24 However, I would very much appreciate both your inputs. We have a luxury 2-group espresso machine And I'm very happy to prepare everything from an Americano to a macchiato. However, the one thing which makes my eyes twitch when I'm asked, can I have chocolate powder on my cappuccino? And even more when it's ordered after 11 AM. In my opinion, it ruins the drink completely by bursting all the bubbles.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:55 Is it common? And if you want chocolate, Order a mocha! Surely, I cannot be the only person who thinks this. Being the perfect server, of course, I oblige with grace and decorum, but with a slightly clenched fist. Any thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:12 Sending you all best wishes, Henry from Kent.

William Hanson 0:25:16 Well, see what Ella said earlier, the customer is always right. Yeah, look, I mean, in Italy, it is not considered the done thing to have a cappuccino after 11. Some people say lunchtime, 11, 12. Chocolate on a cappuccino, I do not believe, is traditional. It's also not healthy for you. I mean, it's not a lot of chocolate, let's be honest, but it's probably healthier if you don't have it. But yes, but look, it's your establishment, Henry. If you want people coming back, provide what they want. If you don't, don't.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:45 Well, sometimes you have to make a stand.

William Hanson 0:25:47 Yes. Or you could always put the chocolate in a little thing on, you know, up, you know, where they have the lids or the water. So they sprinkle it themselves.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:54 And they do it themselves. I am going to say something that's a bit controversial.

William Hanson 0:25:58 That's not like you.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:59 I think cappuccino is common as muck. There you go, I said it. I do.

William Hanson 0:26:05 Interesting.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:06 I think a cappuccino is such a common coffee.

William Hanson 0:26:09 It didn't used to be, because in Frasier, they drink cappuccinos a lot, don't they? But that was because it was in the '90s, and I think in the '90s, it was the height of sophistication. Probably. Whereas now, it's become very commonplace.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:20 For those of us that are coffee drinkers because we need the hit of caffeine, A cappuccino is just a kind of child's coffee. Yeah, because you have to work your way through this pointless layer of foam before you get to the quality product underneath that hits that spot.

William Hanson 0:26:35 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:35 What's the point? Yeah, what's the point?

William Hanson 0:26:37 Just have milk. Yeah, if you want, if you want a milk coffee.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:41 I think cappuccino as well went downhill when they started selling it in all these packets, you know, packet cappuccino.

William Hanson 0:26:46 Packet? I wouldn't have a packet anything.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:48 Yeah, you can buy packet cappuccino, common as muck.

William Hanson 0:26:52 Oh. I quite agree. This is from Carl and Matt. Maybe they're brothers. Hello, William and Jonathan. Fortunately, my business partner and I, if you catch my drift, have recently invested in an EV for a more luxury class of person, a Polestar.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:09 Oh, get you!

William Hanson 0:27:11 I knew a Polestar once.

William Hanson 0:27:14 I took it for a clean today, but my partner mentioned that his colleague had told him that he has not washed his car since before the winter, and the number plate was barely visible, which I'm pretty sure is illegal. Revolting. I was wondering what your cleaning habits are for your vehicles. Do you prefer to do the deed yourself, or have you someone to do it for you? What are your thoughts on car cleaning and valet companies at supermarkets?

William Hanson 0:27:34 Would you say they are common, Carl and Matt? I— well, I know what you're going to say. We have someone that either comes to the house to do it, or we take it to a, you know, one of those hand car washes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:46 What, Fagash Frank, or whatever his name was?

William Hanson 0:27:49 Fagash Frank?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:50 I thought you had some chap who smoked while he was cleaning your car.

William Hanson 0:27:56 Oh, who was that? I don't think it— was it the car? Yeah, it might have been.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:00 It was the car. I was horrified. He was cleaning your car with a fag hanging from his lips.

William Hanson 0:28:05 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:06 I would have sucked his ass.

William Hanson 0:28:07 Yeah, he hasn't been back.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:10 Quite right too.

William Hanson 0:28:11 You've got Nick, haven't you?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:12 I do, yes. I have car washing executive Nick, a car valet for a better class of person in Hertfordshire. And, uh, in fact, he was over at the weekend doing the cars.

William Hanson 0:28:22 Was he?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:23 Oh yes, and did the lines.

William Hanson 0:28:25 No, he didn't do the No, I thought he's told you the lines are a bit dated.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:27 Well, I did the inside this time. I didn't need him to do inside. I said, Nick, just give my outside a high buff polish, please. And he did, and it's lovely.

William Hanson 0:28:37 Lovely. How long does it take him?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:38 It's actually quite quick. Outside took about 35 minutes.

William Hanson 0:28:43 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:44 But, um, oh, he does do a good job. He uses a kind of little mini leaf blower for getting all the water out of the cracks.

William Hanson 0:28:52 Oh, that's nice.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:52 After he's washed it, he goes around it with this little— all in the cracks.

William Hanson 0:28:56 I think if, you know, if radio and podcasting ever failed you, I think you could be a good car valet.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:02 Maybe.

William Hanson 0:29:03 I don't want to put Nick out of business.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:04 Shall I tell you one of the things I love about Nick coming? All the neighbours see.

William Hanson 0:29:10 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:11 And then normally for the remainder of— because he often comes on a Saturday morning— for the remainder of the day, People, as they walk past my house, they stagger backwards as they look at the high buff polish gleaming from my bonnet, and they say, oh, he's done a nice job, hasn't he? I say, yes, he always does. Yes. So, I—

William Hanson 0:29:30 Even on the inferior model car?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:32 Even on my inferior model version of your car, he does a very good job.

William Hanson 0:29:38 That's nice. Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:39 So, uh, yes, he does my car.

William Hanson 0:29:41 Do you check your inferior cameras to see if you can see it, or does it not pick it up?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:44 What I don't do anymore I don't go to the car wash people. And shall I tell you why?

William Hanson 0:29:53 Why?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:54 They do 2 things consistently that really gets up my nose. One, they go too close to the car with the jet wash.

William Hanson 0:30:03 Oh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:03 And sometimes I've been in the car, and as they're jet washing, I've wound the window down a small crack and I've shouted, get that away from my bodywork! And they take no Notice? Well, I do, because I normally have a word with them before they start. I've said to them, now look, I would like you to maintain a healthy distance with your jet wash. Don't go too close. I know it makes it easier for you, but I've only got one layer of paint on this car and I don't want it coming off.

William Hanson 0:30:41 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:41 But what they also do, and this is what's so frustrating, and I've even started locking the door to stop them getting in, but they bang on the door. They want you to open the door so they can jet wash around the door while you've got the door open.

William Hanson 0:30:55 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:55 And last time I got splashes all up my slacks. It's not funny. Why are you laughing? Yeah, went all up my slacks. And when they open the boot, so imagine that, you lift the boot up, you know, you've got the same car, I mean, you don't have to lift the boot up, you've got a button. But I have to lift the boot up, and then they jet wash around the inside, and all the water's dripping into the boot.

William Hanson 0:31:28 Oh no, no, no.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:29 So, I'm not doing that anymore. I don't have that No, no, he goes around with a moist cloth.

William Hanson 0:31:36 Much better.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:37 Exactly.

William Hanson 0:31:37 Yeah, well, there we go, Karl and Matt. I hope that helps.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:41 Yeah, yeah. I don't know why, but I'm a bit exhausted.

William Hanson 0:31:45 I am too.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:46 Should we leave it there for this week?

William Hanson 0:31:47 All right then.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:48 What a lot of fun we've had. We will of course be back on Wednesday of next week where we're going to discuss luggage and genuine leather embellishments and initials.

William Hanson 0:31:58 Until then, goodbye!