Stains

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:01:33 Hello and welcome to The Luxury Podcast. My name's Jonathan Vernon-Smith, and with me is William Hanson. This is the podcast that helps you live a more luxury life.

William Hanson 0:01:48 Hello, Jonathan and I are here to help you create the everyday moments of luxury that make life worth living, whatever your budget.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:01:54 Now, in each episode of The Luxury Podcast, William and I will tackle an area area of life that we think you should upgrade. Sorting the ornslows from the hyacinths. Advising the nation in gracious living. So, William, what are we going to talk about today?

William Hanson 0:02:08 We're talking about stains.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:10 Stains? A thing we both know a thing or two about.

William Hanson 0:02:14 What are you implying?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:15 Oh, I bet you've made many a stain.

William Hanson 0:02:22 Red wine?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:23 Red wine.

William Hanson 0:02:24 That's It's very tough to get rid of blood.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:27 Oh yes. In all seriousness, so I am a great candidate for the subject matter for this discussion.

William Hanson 0:02:34 Oh really?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:34 Yeah, because I create a lot of stainage. I do.

William Hanson 0:02:42 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:43 I do. I have—

William Hanson 0:02:45 Have you consulted a medical professional?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:46 I have the world's— I have the world's most difficult bodily fluid to remove? My blood. I have got blood that is impossible for any chemicals on the British market to remove. Are you aware of that? No.

William Hanson 0:03:06 Why? Are you a rare type of blood?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:08 I don't know. I don't know. I have no idea what type.

William Hanson 0:03:10 So, for blood generally, I would recommend cold water.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:13 No, does not touch the side for mine.

William Hanson 0:03:16 Bleach? Certainly not if it's a white shirt.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:19 Bleach will do it, yeah, but it takes a while even with bleach.

William Hanson 0:03:23 So what's wrong with it? And is this a running theme in your family?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:26 No, no.

William Hanson 0:03:27 Your father's blood?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:28 No one's ever had the issue before, but my blood is very, very resistant.

William Hanson 0:03:33 And how often are you bleeding?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:35 Quite a lot, actually. I bleed quite a lot. Are you haemophilic? Well, do you remember when I bled live on the podcast? Yes, please! Do you remember when my hand suddenly sprung a leak?

William Hanson 0:03:45 I can't really remember why.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:46 It was quoted. Yes, one more chap.

William Hanson 0:03:49 Yeah. That is quoted back at me numerous times for various people.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:54 Yeah, one more chap, won't matter, on my hand, and I sprung a leak.

William Hanson 0:03:58 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:58 And do you remember we nearly had to call an ambulance?

William Hanson 0:04:00 We did, yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:01 And have me—

William Hanson 0:04:02 Sadie's had to be first aid trained since then.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:04 Oh, okay. Do you have any spare bags in the fridge just in case I might need a transfusion? I don't want yours.

William Hanson 0:04:14 Well, no, you might. She might be the same type as you.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:18 I very much doubt it. Are you saying I have common blood? No, I just think I'm a very exclusive strain. I don't know what I— I should really know what I am.

William Hanson 0:04:29 Did I ever tell you, once years ago when I was first working in China and I was being interviewed somewhere in Guangzhou, and, uh, I was quite— this is 2011, And I was— in China, a bit like sort of some people are into horoscopes, they're quite into blood type. That's sort of a fairly standard sort of thing. And in newspaper articles, a bit like over here, you know, the Daily Mail will say, uh, Jonathan Vernon Smith, 32, Scorpio. Yeah, or whatever. Um, over there, they'll talk about blood type because they place a lot of emphasis on blood type. This is what I was told anyway.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:03 Oh.

William Hanson 0:05:04 And so, I was asked, completely unaware of all of this, in an interview what blood type I was. I don't know.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:11 I don't know.

William Hanson 0:05:12 So, I just said blue, and it got printed as William Hanson, who has blue blood. And I genuinely think that's why I worked in China for many years. I was saying it just to be funny.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:25 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:05:26 But yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:26 I could have a very exclusive strain.

William Hanson 0:05:29 Well, because you also think, as we discussed previously on our royalty episode of this podcast back in the day, that you potentially are very related to royalty.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:36 Well, I don't think I am. I know I am.

William Hanson 0:05:39 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:39 But also, my grandfather, he won medals for his blood giving. Why are you laughing about my grand— my grandfather probably saved hundreds of thousands of lives.

William Hanson 0:05:52 How often— I also hate talking about blood, so this is making me feel weird. How often did he give blood?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:57 He gave blood quite a lot because he had a very rare type. Very rare, exclusive. For a better class of Borehamwood resident.

Speaker F 0:06:06 Is this the same grandfather that nearly died at a picky tea?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:09 Yes, the one with the sandwich stuck, stuck on my grandmother's face.

William Hanson 0:06:12 And is this also the same grandfather who didn't eat foreign food?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:15 Oh, he wasn't keen on foreign food. No. No.

William Hanson 0:06:18 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:18 He's the one— have I told you the fish and chip story? My grandfather— so, I think I have inherited quite a lot of my character from my grandfather.

William Hanson 0:06:27 Okay. And what was your grandfather called? Can we give him a first name?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:30 Wonderful name. Leslie Aloysius Greed. Hang on, why are you laughing at my grandfather's name? How dare you? How dare you?

William Hanson 0:06:40 Aloysius is a good name.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:44 Leslie Aloysius Greed. Lag. So, Leslie Aloysius Greed, he, um, yeah, he was Wonderfully grumpy.

William Hanson 0:06:59 Hmm.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:00 It's not hereditary at all. Exquisitely grumpy.

William Hanson 0:07:02 And this is on your mother's side?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:04 Yes, my mother's father, and he was very grumpy, and he had quite a temper on him, and he was quite a calm man, very calm, but if you pressed his buttons, he would go pretty berserk. And I just remembered this one time we went round for a fish and chip supper, At theirs? At theirs, with all of the family. I mean, I hate fish and chips, so it's my idea of hell, but you know, you have to go along with it. We had this fish and chip supper, and there was something wrong with the fish and chips.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:35 Yeah. I don't know what it was, but my grandfather started eating the fish, and all of a sudden, these— the knife and fork was plonked down, and he said, pass me your plates. He was always sat at the head of the table. He said, pass me your plates. So everybody started kind of handing him the plates of or virtually full, full of food.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:55 And he started piling them all up, all these plates full of fish and chips, you know, loaded with fish and chips. Yeah. And he turned to me and he said, uh, John John, which was what he called me, John John, come with me. And he gave me this pile of plates. There's a pile of plates like this full of fish and chips, and I'm having to carry these fish and chips in on plates to my grandfather's Volvo 340.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:22 And we got in the car, I had to sit on the passenger seat. I couldn't even do my seat belt up. It was back in the '80s. It didn't matter. It didn't matter so much then.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:29 I'm sitting on the passenger seat with all these plates piled high with fish and chips, and we drove back to the fish and chip shop where I then had to carry, balancing these plates to try and stop them falling on the floor and smashing, I had to carry them into the fish and chip shop. At which point my grandfather told me to put them on the counter. And so I put them up on the counter, and then my grandfather took each plate from the top and threw the food at the staff one by one. They all got a plate of fish and chips in their faces. And he then— he had all this plate of— this pile of plates that had had fish and chips that was now all over the restaurant.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:10 And then he demanded a full refund.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:16 And I remember—

William Hanson 0:09:17 And how did they react?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:18 They, well, they were quite shocked.

William Hanson 0:09:19 Yeah, I bet they were. They were quite shocked.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:21 And I just remember looking at him and feeling both horrified and absolutely enthralled. I looked at him, I thought, on one hand, you're a monster. On the other hand, I want to be you when I grow up. And I do try to just channel a little bit of him from time to time. If he was going to have a row with a company, he would go not just gently. He was the kind of man that would turn up in reception and, you know, deposit a whole load of septic tank all over their reception. He was that kind of man.

William Hanson 0:09:55 Yeah. Have you ever done that?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:56 No, no, no, not yet.

William Hanson 0:09:58 Ever thrown fish at anyone?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:59 I've never thrown fish at anyone, nor have I ever thrown any kind of food at anyone whatsoever. No, but this was a pretty incredible experience. How do we get on to this? Oh, his blood.

William Hanson 0:10:10 His blood.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:10 He was, he was, uh, he had very exclusive blood.

William Hanson 0:10:15 Yeah, yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:16 But my blood, I don't know what's wrong with it, you cannot get it out of any fabrics.

William Hanson 0:10:20 Well, let's sort of move away from blood for a minute before I faint, and especially because I'm sitting down. Um, what is your method for tackling a stain in general? Um, do you have one?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:32 Yeah, I have a few.

William Hanson 0:10:32 Would you like to share them? It's going to be quite a short episode.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:37 You need to give me a bit more context. What's the stain?

William Hanson 0:10:45 Beef juice.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:47 Beef juice? Yeah.

William Hanson 0:10:59 You've been getting some steaks from the fridge. You take them out the packaging. Oh, the raw beef juice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's blood. Well, some of it's blood, but there's also, you know, juice as well. It's not sort of blood blood. It's not bloody consistency of, you know, thick viscous blood.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:15 Not like my blood.

William Hanson 0:11:16 No. How'd you get beef juice out? It goes all over your action slacks. Well, what would you do? Whip them off?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:23 Well, I have had to. I always have. Um, in fact, Are we, are we at home or are we out of home?

William Hanson 0:11:32 Let's start with home and then we'll go away.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:36 Okay. If I'm at home, then I would firstly, because that is probably going to have a level of grease in it, first things first, a little bit of washing-up liquid on it.

William Hanson 0:11:47 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:47 Straight away, you need to neutralise that. And you've taken the trousers off? I've taken them off, yeah. Yeah, I'm standing there in literally just my pants. And I'd put a little bit of Fairy Liquid or other washing-up liquid on it, and I would just give it a little rub just to agitate. Okay, just gently with a finger. Yeah, agitate with your finger like that.

William Hanson 0:12:09 We've all been there.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:10 So I'd agitate it with my finger. Yeah, and then, um, I'd probably— are they cream slacks or navy blue?

William Hanson 0:12:22 Well, if They're you, probably cream.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:24 Cream. What are you in today? I'm in blue slacks today. Yes, I've zhuzhed it up. If it was cream, then I would apply a little bit of, uh, Oxy— Oxy Power. Yeah, or Vanish. Uh, in Argentina, Mr. Moscolo, something like that. A little powder, and I would just rub that again, just agitate just slightly.

William Hanson 0:12:46 Nice.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:46 And then I'd just leave it And then wash as normal. I don't think that needs too much work.

William Hanson 0:12:51 Okay, that's nice. And if you were away? You're at my house.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:56 Well, if I was away— so, hang on.

William Hanson 0:12:59 Jonathan's standing up. I have to go and get a prop.

Speaker G 0:13:01 Oh, because it's just suddenly occurred—

William Hanson 0:13:04 He's rummaging in his, uh, very old satchel. Oh, oh, you've brought your M&S stain-removing wipes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:16 I haven't brought them with me. I always have them on me. Oh, Marks& Spencer sell plant-based biodegradable fabric wipes, stain-removing wipes, almond and sweet orange.

William Hanson 0:13:27 May I sniff?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:29 Have a sniff of my wipes! Sniff 'em!

William Hanson 0:13:34 They don't really smell of anything.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:35 They've been in there for a number of years.

William Hanson 0:13:38 I was gonna say, that's the old logo.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:40 They've broke— St. Michael! That joke's only gonna mean something to anyone over the age of 50.

William Hanson 0:13:55 I got it!

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:56 Oh.

William Hanson 0:14:03 Do you also remember Janelle?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:11 Janelle?

William Hanson 0:14:12 It's the John Lewis version.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:14 Yes, I do remember Chanel. Oh, quite a lot of my school uniform was St. Michael's.

William Hanson 0:14:24 Yeah, I think mine might have been.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:25 Was it? Yeah. For any younger Bucketheads, should we just explain? Just explain. So Marks& Spencer used to have their own clothing brand.

William Hanson 0:14:35 Well, they do still.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:37 Well, they've still got St. Michael's.

William Hanson 0:14:38 No, no, no, they have their own clothing clothing range. They do. It's just called M&S.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:42 Oh, and funny names, aren't they? Peruna. Blue Harbour. Oh, Blue Harbour?

William Hanson 0:14:49 Is that M&S?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:50 Autograph?

William Hanson 0:14:51 Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:52 And what's the other one? Collezioni?

William Hanson 0:14:56 That's the lingerie, isn't it?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:59 It's the Italian couture.

William Hanson 0:15:02 Oh, right.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:03 But they used to have— their clothes are always St. Michael clothes.

William Hanson 0:15:06 Nice, good, solid English name.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:09 Good quality, and they probably were made in Britain, not Bangladesh, as they are now.

William Hanson 0:15:14 I looked it up. I looked it up for something. I had to look it up for something.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:23 But we did— we used St. Michael clothes. They would last you a lifetime.

William Hanson 0:15:28 Yeah, and John Lewis had Janelle. Yeah, that was their range.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:32 These are not St. Michael wipes. They are M&S wipes. But they are— these were recommended to you. I'm surprised you don't know about them.

William Hanson 0:15:40 No, they were recommended. I've used a Shout wipe before.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:42 No, these are apparently used in the television industry because— why are you laughing? They are used in the television industry because they are apparently fantastic wipes for removing a stain seconds before you go live on air.

William Hanson 0:15:57 Oh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:57 And I have suffered many a coffee stain on my slacks, and should I Sustainer coffee stain, I just whip out my wipes and I give them a once-over, and these will remove virtually anything. I noticed there's a stain on this tablecloth.

William Hanson 0:16:12 Does anyone have any coffee?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:13 No. Should we try this stain on the tablecloth?

William Hanson 0:16:15 Yeah, all right.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:16 Should we try it with my—

William Hanson 0:16:17 They're quite dry, those wipes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:19 They've been in there for quite some time. No, don't worry, they— no, they're moist enough. Look, here we go. Does it iron the tablecloth as well?

William Hanson 0:16:26 Yeah, I steamed it earlier. I know, I actually did notice. It just looked better.

Speaker H 0:16:30 That's a horrible noise.

William Hanson 0:16:32 Sounds like Sooty and Sweep going at it.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:35 Now, admittedly, the old M&S wipe is no match for this thing. What the hell is this? What is this?

Speaker F 0:16:50 Might be your blood.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:52 It's not my— oh, it might be my blood, actually. My blood! Could be my blood. You know that's tough. In that case, you will never get that out. No. Well, they haven't worked on that. On most other things, they work very well.

William Hanson 0:17:11 But we could go downstairs to the coffee shop, get some coffee, chuck it over your slacks, and see what happens.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:15 Yeah, but I've still got to go home. Anyway, they are good. Have you got anything you'd like to wipe?

William Hanson 0:17:22 No, I don't. Is there any makeup on my collar?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:24 Normally happens. Show me.

William Hanson 0:17:27 Well, I am, darling.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:28 Is that because of your dirty neck?

William Hanson 0:17:37 I don't have a dirty neck.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:39 You do.

William Hanson 0:17:40 In fact, I have a dirty sense of humour.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:42 This hot towel might bring back memories. No, I don't. No, I don't think you have. No, no. Anyway, so that's what I would do if I was out of the house. Okay. Get one of my stain-removing wipes.

William Hanson 0:17:54 Lovely. And then, so you You are, you are a proactive stain dealer rather than, we'll just bin it, get another one.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:01 Bin it?

William Hanson 0:18:02 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:02 Oh no, I see, it's a challenge. Have I ever told you about the time that I ruined an entire set of towels in a Florida guest house? I, I went to Florida.

William Hanson 0:18:21 You were in a guest house.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:23 I was— well, I was in a luxury house for guests.

William Hanson 0:18:26 It's called a guest house.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:28 Well, no, but that makes it sound like it was a hotel. It wasn't. It was a kind of— you'd call it a villa if it was in Frigiliana, but it was in America.

William Hanson 0:18:36 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:37 And they had lovely white bedding.

William Hanson 0:18:39 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:39 And white towels, and everything was white.

William Hanson 0:18:41 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:42 And they had those big American washing machines and tumble dryers. Top loader? Top loader.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:49 So as I got there, I looked and I thought, do you know what? I'd like to wash all of this before we use it because I don't know that they will have washed it properly. So the first thing I did having just arrived in Florida was I got all the towels and I put them in the washing machine and I put them on a wash. Hmm. What I hadn't realised was, I don't know what had happened in that washing machine beforehand, but when I took the towels out, the white towels, they were covered in rust marks. Now, have you ever tried to remove rust from white?

William Hanson 0:19:19 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:20 It is impossible. When I took the towels out, they were destroyed with rust.

William Hanson 0:19:26 Yeah, absolutely destroyed.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:28 And I thought, oh no, I've destroyed all the time. I washed all of them all together because I thought I'll wash them and then dry them, they'll be all lovely and clean. And they were just absolutely ruined. Um, so thankfully I looked up on the internet what to do, and it said that you should put lemon juice and salt.

William Hanson 0:19:50 Oh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:51 And then leave them in the sun.

William Hanson 0:19:53 Oh, to like bleach them?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:55 To bleach them. And I did that. Do you know what? It worked. Got all the rust out.

William Hanson 0:20:00 Wow.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:01 Because I'd gone to Tajé to price up replacing them all, because I thought I was going to have to buy all new white towels.

William Hanson 0:20:07 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:08 but I didn't. So, I think you should always try and get rid of a stain before you even think of replacing it.

William Hanson 0:20:16 And it is best— I think best advice is act fast where possible.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:20 Don't leave it. Don't leave it.

William Hanson 0:20:21 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:20:22 Sometimes you have to. Recently, actually, coming back from holiday, Mikey was on the— we were on the plane, and the meal went, you know, he sort of— a tomato or whatever it was, or something, but— and obviously, we're on an aeroplane. You can't start stripping. No, we tried it once, it didn't go down well. And so thus we had to sort of deal with it when we got home.

William Hanson 0:20:42 We did get it out, out of linen. I think linen is quite forgiving for stains, especially white linen as well, because I knew I could— worst comes to worst, I can bleach it. But we didn't need to do that. Soak it in cold water. Often the best solution for most is cold water.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:57 Cold water.

William Hanson 0:20:58 As an initial, just to sort of Yeah, dilute it. It's the same as red wine, white wine. I would say that white wine on red wine doesn't really work. It's sort of— I mean, it doesn't not work. I would say it helps 10%, but I don't really think it works that well. But if you have absolutely nothing else, yes, pouring a little bit of white wine on red wine, fine.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:22 I like a stain that you have to work at. Have you ever had a week-long stain where you've had to put a week's worth of work into it?

William Hanson 0:21:31 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:32 What do you mean no?

William Hanson 0:21:33 Well, no, I get it out sooner than that, but I don't have problem blood.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:38 But you've never had a stain that just will not budge?

William Hanson 0:21:40 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:41 And you think, you know what, I'm gonna have you. And every day you come back to it, you wash it, and it's still showing. And then you get it back and you say, do you know what, here we go again, we are going to try a new product, we're going to get rid of you.

William Hanson 0:21:53 But often, sometimes you can then wash the stain in, and then you're actually just making it worse. If something doesn't work first, maybe second time. Yeah, unless you're bleaching it, you are just making it worse for yourself.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:03 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:22:04 How would you— let's talk about stains that other people cause. So, not necessarily stains on clothing. Let's say it's probably happened to you, I don't know, you had friends over, they knock over some red wine.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:17 Well, it hasn't happened at mine, thank goodness. It happened at Pat's. Do you remember when Pat, my old neighbour, and she threw him out?

William Hanson 0:22:22 Yeah. Yeah, well, that's one way of dealing with it. Yeah. But I would say from an etiquette point of view, what you do with the stain— if someone causes a stain, whether it's red wine, the bolognese sauce, whatever, on your tablecloth, on your carpet— as a host, you want to say, oh, oh, don't worry, this carpet's had loads on it. This old thing, it'll wash out. Inside, you want to kill them, but you don't outwardly say that.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:47 No.

William Hanson 0:22:48 There are some cultures where they would. Britain is not one of them.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:51 Unless you're Pat.

William Hanson 0:22:52 Unless you're your neighbour Pat and you throw them out the house.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:54 Where Pat said, uh, get out!

William Hanson 0:22:57 But was it a deliberate knocking over of whatever it was?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:01 No, he accidentally knocked a glass of wine over. It went all over the carpet and up her wall, so she threw him out.

William Hanson 0:23:07 We've all had it. I wouldn't— yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:10 Yeah, but she had to get the decorators in and everything. She was pretty livid. Absolutely livid.

William Hanson 0:23:17 But I still think you have to just be like, oh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:19 Yeah, well, you do really. With carpets, I think very often— so, red wine, you know the old white wine? That's quite a good way of dealing with it straight away.

William Hanson 0:23:31 No, I've just said I don't think it really works.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:33 White wine?

William Hanson 0:23:34 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:34 Does.

William Hanson 0:23:35 Jonathan, I just did 5 minutes on that.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:37 I wasn't listening.

William Hanson 0:23:44 Well, listen to this. It does.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:45 It does work. No, it doesn't. I've tried it.

William Hanson 0:23:47 It doesn't work brilliantly. I said, if you've got nothing else, it's fine.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:52 But it's all right if you're stuck. Yeah.

William Hanson 0:23:57 Yeah. Am I— sorry, is my mic on?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:59 I heard you, don't worry.

William Hanson 0:24:02 Thank you, Sadie. I can think of one stain I'd like to get rid of. Other products in general, Ace for Whites, you've introduced me to that. I think it's very good.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:14 Well, you're all over that, aren't you? Every time I log on to Instagram, you're posting something about Ace for Whites, aren't you?

William Hanson 0:24:21 Am I?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:21 Yeah. Oh yeah. Am I? Mr. Ace for Whites, aren't you now? Are you getting money from Ace for Whites?

William Hanson 0:24:31 When have I posted something about Ace for Whites?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:33 Something came up the other day.

William Hanson 0:24:34 Well, I gave Jordan a bottle.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:36 Oh, did you? Did he like it?

William Hanson 0:24:38 I think so. I haven't actually asked. I have never posted anything about Ace for Whites.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:42 I've had to start going to Asda Specifically for Ace for whites.

William Hanson 0:24:47 Now, where's that?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:48 Because Morrison's have stopped selling Ace for whites. Did you know that?

William Hanson 0:24:52 I got mine off, you know, the rainforest.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:55 Did you? Oh, that's very expensive.

William Hanson 0:24:57 You get some multi-pack. I've got my mother into it now.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:59 Does she like it?

William Hanson 0:25:01 Again, I haven't asked her, but that's this weekend's chat.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:05 Mother, do you love your whites to smell of bleach?

William Hanson 0:25:08 She did. She needed— I can't remember what She did. She needed to— it didn't— so she put some through the wash and sort of in the pre-wash, etc., and it did an okay job. But I said, actually dilute some in water, soak it overnight. That worked brilliantly. Yeah, I can't remember what it was, but it was— that was—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:25 Yes, Ace for Whites is a very good stain remover. I like The Pink Stuff stain remover.

William Hanson 0:25:32 Do they do a stain remover? Have you tried it?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:34 Yes, although it does go a bit smelly.

William Hanson 0:25:37 Oh, but not after you wash it?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:38 No, no, no. The actual spray goes a bit smelly, I've noticed, after a while. You spray it on, you think, oh, that smells a bit, but it's very, very good.

William Hanson 0:25:47 And it's just a good general sort of catch-all?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:49 Yeah, just spray it on before you wash, leave it 5 minutes, put it in the washing machine, stain's gone.

William Hanson 0:25:54 I normally, generally, as a matter of course for all wash, uh, put some sort of Vanish, uh, Oxi Action liquid in with the detergent just to sort of help Lift anything out.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:05 Have you tried Ace for Colours yet? Oh, oh no.

William Hanson 0:26:11 How does that work?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:13 Same as Ace for Whites, but for colours.

William Hanson 0:26:15 Well, just what— but what colour do you want it? Because Ace for Whites is a bleach.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:20 Yeah, well, Ace for Colours is.

William Hanson 0:26:22 A bleach?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:23 It's just not a chlorine bleach. Oh, so what it brings—

William Hanson 0:26:27 what's the benefit of it? Was it just brings the colour back?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:30 I'm not sure it brings the colour back, but it removes stains. Don't ask me how it works, but it does work quite well.

William Hanson 0:26:37 Can you get me a bottle, please, next time you're down the Asda?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:41 You— well, I— yeah, I can get that elsewhere, actually.

William Hanson 0:26:44 Oh, okay. I'll pay you back, but you know. Oh, I'm sure.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:47 Yeah, but I'm now becoming your supplier.

William Hanson 0:26:49 You gave me some lovely Acevity. I did insist on paying you.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:53 I'm like a cleaning dealer, aren't I? I turn up in a car with blacked-out windows and hand you a couple of bottles of a Sevy. Yeah, what's wrong with that? Well, don't you have shops in London?

William Hanson 0:27:08 Well, we do, but not, you know—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:10 What?

William Hanson 0:27:11 Yours. We don't have the provincial shops in London.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:17 Provincial shops that sell good stuff.

William Hanson 0:27:21 Do you consider yourself provincial?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:23 Do I? Proudly so.

William Hanson 0:27:25 Really? Because I would actually say your part of the world, I wouldn't call the— what I would generally call the provinces.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:30 Really?

William Hanson 0:27:31 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:32 Okay.

William Hanson 0:27:33 It's London-adjacent where you are.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:35 Well, because I live in Hertfordshire.

William Hanson 0:27:37 Yeah, yeah, but your bit of Hertfordshire is relatively close to us, isn't it?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:44 So, where is provincial? Surrey? Oh.

William Hanson 0:27:49 Yeah, I would say just about. Bristol, where I'm from, provincial.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:56 Provincial. You know, it's not provincial, it's miles away, isn't it? Well, it's miles away from London.

William Hanson 0:28:03 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:04 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:28:04 Yeah. Well, just maybe we'll do an episode on the provinces. The provinces.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:09 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:28:10 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:10 Well, if I am provincial, I'm very proud of it.

William Hanson 0:28:13 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:13 I like living where I live. Oh, I'd better get that. It's bound to be someone very important.

William Hanson 0:28:19 We'll be back in a minute.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:06 Welcome back, Bucketheads. We've been discussing stains, and it's now time for your questions. So let's check out our heaving bags of post, shall we? Do remember, if there's something on your mind that needs a luxury touch, postman@luxurypodcast.co.uk is the place for your queries and your questions.

William Hanson 0:30:36 This first one is from Jake. Salutations, gentlemen, and kind producer Sadie. Now, look, Ollie started doing this. He started writing himself into the introductions. Yeah, you remember? That was tragic. Are you doing it as well?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:48 Of course she is.

Speaker F 0:30:48 I wouldn't call myself kind.

William Hanson 0:30:50 Neither would we. Whilst I'm the father of a 3-year-old and have baffled my fair share of stains, this one stood out. As I was commuting on the Northern Line— not a very executive one— I was seated when a ladette placed herself in front of me. This despite being a number of seats available. As she turned away from me, not only was I presented with her posterior, which sorely needed a spritz of Eno de Pravia, but I was subjected to the sight of a brown stain in a suspect region on her white denim jeans.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:22 Ew!

William Hanson 0:31:22 She conversed with whom I can only assume to be her friend and appeared none the wiser. Should I have pointed this out to her, and should I keep an emergency bottle of Las Tres Brujas for situations like this? No, I don't think you can go around telling people on public transport that they've got a stank.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:38 Exactly, you can't spritz her crack with Las Tres Brujas, can you? She's a complete stranger.

William Hanson 0:31:44 There's the clip.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:58 And I'm not sure that las tres brujas will get that out.

William Hanson 0:32:02 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:03 That needs— now, shall we talk about that?

William Hanson 0:32:06 What?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:06 How would you approach faeces?

William Hanson 0:32:09 Oh, with a mask on. It's not really a problem I've ever had.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:18 No, well, no, nor me.

William Hanson 0:32:19 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:20 Not yet. Not yet.

William Hanson 0:32:21 Oh, well, give it a year.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:24 It can, it can happen. I don't think it would be too bad though.

William Hanson 0:32:29 I think it would. I mean, I don't want to be vulgar, but it probably would. It's natural. I reckon it would wash out. Nothing a bit of Ace for Whites or now Ace for Colours couldn't do.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:39 No, I think that compared to my blood, that would be nothing.

William Hanson 0:32:42 No, no.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:43 I'm not going to say things that are cropping up in my mind. Sarah's been in touch, William.

William Hanson 0:32:50 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:50 She says, hello Jonathan and William, I have a bit of an awkward dilemma involving one of my closest friends. She wears— oh, it's like you— she wears quite a lot of foundation, and whenever we hug goodbye, I almost always end up with makeup marks on the shoulders or collar of whatever I'm wearing.

William Hanson 0:33:12 Can't relate.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:14 Thankfully, it does come out in the wash, so nothing's been permanently ruined, but it does mean I often have to wash jumpers or coats after seeing her, which is starting to get a little frustrating. I know it's completely unintentional, and I'd never want to embarrass her or make her feel self-conscious, but I also don't quite know what to do. Is this just one of those things that you quietly put up with? Do I start avoiding hugs? Or is there a polite way to bring it up without sounding rude or overly precious about my clothes? Best wishes, Sarah.

William Hanson 0:33:48 Right. Well, I do have lots to say on this. First of all, I would say most makeups now— I mean, it was different back in the day— will wash out. So, even if it does get on your clothes, and yes, that's unfortunate, and we can talk about how we avoid that, it's not the end of world. It's not Jonathan's blood, and it's going to be a nightmare. It will come out. Most makeups are sort of insoluble, I guess, is the phrase. Obviously, if you're— now, I have this, obviously, you know, from time to time when I wear makeup.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:21 Oh, come on, you cake it on like Barbara Cartland!

William Hanson 0:34:25 From time to time when I wear makeup and I go to hug Mikey, Normally, I will sometimes— I'm aware of leaving a stain on his shoulder where I have, particularly because he's taller than me as well. So, I sort of faceplant his shoulder. So, sometimes I'll put a little hand there and hug, or he'll say, don't hug me until you've showered. Lovely words to come home to. Or you just do a cheek kiss.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:52 It must be like dating or being married to Gemma Collins. There's big old Gemma's face all over the side of my coat. This is William.

William Hanson 0:35:12 Now, in terms of makeup on your own clothes, on collars and things like that, uh, well, I can recommend hairspraying your collars before you put the shirt on.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:20 Oh, does that stop it?

William Hanson 0:35:22 Absolutely stops it. Prevents it, certainly. I mean, if you wore it all day and you were absolutely caked in it, but it will certainly sort of Can I interest you in a St.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:30 Michael wipe?

William Hanson 0:35:33 Or the other thing is when you're taking clothes off, I used to get— if you're wearing— I mean, this is— I'm in a quarter zip today, but if you're in like a crewneck jumper like you are, sometimes when you take the jumper off, it sort of brings a layer of foundation off on the collar. So, a stylist taught me this. You get a— doesn't have to be silk. They did it with silk sort of big Handkerchief, but you can do it with a tea towel for your hair. And basically, you pop it on your head, you look a bit weird, and then you take the jumper off with the silk thing, and it doesn't get makeup.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:36:02 Doesn't get it on.

William Hanson 0:36:03 Oh, and that's the top tip.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:36:05 I find at funerals, I often end up in quite a makeup-covered state because a lot of mourners, they'll come to me, and they'll go for a hug, and I'll end up with a you know, a 60-year-old mourner, and she— why are you pulling that funny face?

William Hanson 0:36:24 No, no, no, no, no.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:36:25 And I'll end up on my suit, on my jacket, I'll end up with half the face of, you know, 60-year-old foundation. And that's not quite so enjoyable because that then has to go to the dry cleaners.

William Hanson 0:36:38 Well, yeah, yeah, you can't stick the suit in the, uh, washing machine.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:36:40 No, rather like when I came to your wedding and I ended up caked in Martino espresso.

William Hanson 0:36:46 Martino Espresso. Espresso Martino. I was at school with Martino Espresso. He was the foreign exchange student.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:36:55 Take a breath. Oh my God. I'm so hot!

William Hanson 0:38:23 Yeah, me too!

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:38:26 I'm so hot! Oh, stop it.

William Hanson 0:38:36 This is from Rob. Dear Jonathan and William, I'm a common northerner.

William Hanson 0:38:49 I'm also known to be tight-fisted. Whilst listening to an older episode, the one on laundry, I was in total agreement with Jonathan's comment about the fragrance of UK cleaning products not being up to standards when compared to products available on the continent. Last year I separated from my Swiss partner who, along with our 2 cats and a dog, has now moved back to her native country, Switzerland. We remain supportive of each other and I now visit Switzerland every few months. There are many things the Swiss get right, but if there are 2 things that the Swiss have got wrong, it's that they a) do not sell Dr. Beckmann's Pet Stain and Odour Remover, and b) Swiss airport security overreact to the discovery of laser pointers.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:39:27 Yes, quite.

William Hanson 0:39:28 Just before a recent trip to Switzerland earlier this year, I stocked up on Dr. Beckmann's pet stain and odour remover. However, when checking in for the flight, I was alarmed by a warning from the airline that cleaning products are prohibited in hold luggage, and so the items I purchased had to be left behind. After listening to Jonathan's recommendation for using Spanish cleaning products purchased from his local Mercadona in southern Spain, I have found myself wondering how Jonathan transports the goods back to England. As I say, I am a tight-fisted northerner.

William Hanson 0:39:58 As much as I want to transport luxury cleaning products to and from the continent, I dread experiencing being put in a Swiss cell like William encountered, or worse, banned by a budget airline. Please, can you offer any advice? I love the podcast. Kind regards, Rob, Manchester.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:40:10 Oh, well, you cannot buy products from Mercadona out of Spain, I'm afraid.

William Hanson 0:40:17 What do you mean? As in what, Mercadona don't ship internationally?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:40:20 I'm not aware that they do. So, if I—

William Hanson 0:40:23 and what is the law? Can you buy a bottle of a Sevi in a Mercadona, pop it in your suitcase, bring it back?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:40:29 Well, yeah, but I wouldn't recommend that.

William Hanson 0:40:32 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:40:32 Because you might as well buy it here.

William Hanson 0:40:34 And actually there are, as you have said, there are companies that do them. Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:40:38 Mercadona, they do some very good own-brand products, but you would have to buy them in Spain and bring them back. But—

William Hanson 0:40:46 And you can probably bring, well, there's probably like a £200 or €200 limit, isn't there? Before you have to declare it?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:40:51 I don't know.

William Hanson 0:40:52 Maybe.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:40:53 I've never put it to the test.

William Hanson 0:40:54 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:40:54 I have, um, bought a number of products. There are a few companies in the UK that sell, uh, Spanish cleaning products. I won't, I won't name them, but, uh, you can Google them. Uh, one of them used to sponsor this podcast for a little while.

William Hanson 0:41:07 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:41:08 So there are definitely companies where you can buy stuff here, and that's probably a bit easier. But I'm afraid when it comes to the old Mercadona products, you will have to buy them In a Mercadona.

William Hanson 0:41:17 Do you ever think Mercadona would work here in this country?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:41:21 Well—

William Hanson 0:41:22 You've been sending me videos of—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:41:23 Let's hold that until you've been.

William Hanson 0:41:25 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:41:26 I love a Mercadona.

William Hanson 0:41:28 I know you sent me a video of a Dutch sort of young homosexual reviewing Mercadona.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:41:34 We don't know that he's a homosexual. He was purely giving a review of Mercadona.

William Hanson 0:41:42 I mean, it's not the sort of thing that heterosexuals do. Can I just say that?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:41:47 No, I don't think you should now play it because you're now going to identify him, and if he's not a homosexual—

Speaker J 0:41:53 Dutch supermarkets are superior. Come with me to Mercadona, the most famous supermarket in all of Spain.

William Hanson 0:41:57 I'll just say that.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:41:59 Okay, fair enough. He probably is.

William Hanson 0:42:03 He's Dutch. They're all a bit, you know.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:42:08 Is that how it works, is it?

William Hanson 0:42:09 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:42:10 Well, when you come to Spain, which, uh, which we'll maybe explore in our bonus tomorrow, shall we?

William Hanson 0:42:18 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:42:18 Yeah, we need to have a bit of a, uh—

William Hanson 0:42:20 Pick that scab.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:42:21 Yeah, we do need to have a chat, don't we? We'll talk about that tomorrow. But when you do come, if you come, I think you'll definitely want to bring a spare case for your Mercadona products.

William Hanson 0:42:32 I'll look up the customs limit first, though.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:42:34 You do that. Well, for now, I think that's more than enough luxury for today. We'll be back tomorrow for our bonus where we will be picking that scab. And of course, if you can't make that, we'll be back next Wednesday for our next main episode where we're going to talk about cinemas. Ooh! Oh! But for now, goodbye!