BBQs

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:00:57 Hello and welcome to The Luxury Podcast. My name's Jonathan Vernon-Smith. With me is William Hanson. This is the podcast that helps you live a more luxury life.

William Hanson 0:01:18 Hello, Jonathan and I here to help you create the everyday moments of luxury that make life worth living, whatever your budget.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:01:24 In each episode of The Luxury Podcast, William and I will tackle an area of life that we think you upgrade, sorting the Onslow's from the Hyacinths, advising the nation in gracious living. So William, what are we going to talk about today?

William Hanson 0:01:37 We're going to talk about barbecues. And talking of exciting—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:01:42 What?

William Hanson 0:01:43 I phoned you yesterday to tell you the news.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:01:45 Yes, yes. Are you going to announce this now?

William Hanson 0:01:51 Indeed, yes. It may already have been on social media, but I will be, for a 6-week limited run, I'm going to be joining the West End cast of Titanique.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:01 I'm a big fan.

William Hanson 0:02:03 Yeah, which is not a phrase I ever thought I would say, but I'm so excited, incredibly nervous. But I shall be playing Ruth, which is the mother of Rose DeWitt Bukater, or whatever her name is, because Titanique is a spoof of Titanic. You have seen it before. It wasn't necessarily your cup of tea, but I want you to come again And change your mind.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:27 Oh no, really? I've got to come again?

William Hanson 0:02:29 Well, you don't have to.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:30 Oh no. That's when I told that man I was going to kill him sitting next to me. Do you remember?

William Hanson 0:02:36 I do.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:36 The one who had a pint of mulled wine. And I said, if you spill that on my jumper, I'll kill you. You want me to come back again?

William Hanson 0:02:46 Yeah, maybe towards the end of the run.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:49 Right. So, you play a mother?

William Hanson 0:02:51 I play— yes, I'm in effect in semi-drag.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:56 Semi-dragged? What does that mean?

William Hanson 0:02:58 Well, I'm in a sort of a big blouse, red trousers, and a pearl necklace, and an Alice band with birds on my head.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:03 You on a Friday.

William Hanson 0:03:04 Yeah, exactly.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:05 You on a Friday.

William Hanson 0:03:06 And a Tuesday, and now a Wednesday, a Thursday, a Friday, 2 shows on a Saturday, and 2 shows on a Sunday.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:11 That's very exciting, William.

William Hanson 0:03:12 It is very exciting. It happened very quickly. I was initially— my gut reaction was no, and the more I thought about it, I thought, why the hell not?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:22 You only live once.

William Hanson 0:03:23 Exactly.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:24 Something else to put on your headstone.

William Hanson 0:03:25 Exactly.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:29 William, AKA Ruth.

William Hanson 0:03:31 I'm called Ruth at a weekend, so now it's official.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:37 Right.

William Hanson 0:03:37 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:38 Okay.

William Hanson 0:03:38 Next stop, Come From Away.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:40 Oh God, no. I'm not coming to see that if you're in that.

William Hanson 0:03:43 No, I won't be doing that.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:45 How about Mrs. Doubtfire? You could be Mrs. Doubtfire.

William Hanson 0:03:48 I could, although there is some singing involved in that, whereas thankfully for Titanic, I don't need to sing.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:53 What about dancing? Have you got a dance? Move.

William Hanson 0:03:56 Move. Yeah, I can move. Lovely.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:59 Yeah. Right.

William Hanson 0:03:59 No, I'm very excited. And Bucketheads, obviously, if you'd like to come, do come along.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:03 Yes, you must.

William Hanson 0:04:04 It'll be camp old nonsense. I've got a whole ad-lib monologue halfway through.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:08 Really? Well, if I'm there, just promise me you won't spill any mulled wine on me, Bucketheads.

William Hanson 0:04:14 I don't think— I'm doing the 9th of June to the 19th of July. I don't think they'll be serving mulled wine.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:20 Hope not.

William Hanson 0:04:21 No, I bloody hope not as well.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:22 Right. I promise you I'll come and see you.

William Hanson 0:04:25 Thank you.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:27 I will.

William Hanson 0:04:27 Clear your diary now.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:28 I will do.

William Hanson 0:04:29 As we teased a few weeks ago, I was thinking of getting a barbecue, and as you know, update, I now have a barbecue.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:39 You now have one.

William Hanson 0:04:39 It's still in the box. It has not been assembled. I'm trying to find a handy person to come around and assemble it for me. For me.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:47 When you sent me a photo or a video that Silicon Sean, who's recently done your central heating system, sent you, I noticed in the background there was a cardboard box and 2 gas canisters.

William Hanson 0:05:01 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:02 You've bought 2?

William Hanson 0:05:03 Yes, one to have on and one spare.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:05 A spare?

William Hanson 0:05:06 In case the flame goes out when I'm toying with my sausage.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:08 Very, very, very advisable. Although, doesn't your new barbecue have electricity? Yes. Oh, does that not heat it?

William Hanson 0:05:20 Or do I not need gas?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:20 I don't know.

William Hanson 0:05:23 Have I bought gas erroneously?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:24 No, no, I think you do need gas.

William Hanson 0:05:26 Oh, okay, fine.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:27 But does it not have heating as well?

William Hanson 0:05:28 I don't know, it's still in the box.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:30 Oh, I don't— well, I don't know.

William Hanson 0:05:32 Because would you advise I get someone to do it for me? Because I'm not very practical.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:36 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:05:37 Yeah. Yeah,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:39 fine. Or get— can't Mikey do it?

William Hanson 0:05:40 No, he's— well, he's more practical than me, but he's still not great. Also, it's gas. What happens if he does something wrong and—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:47 What?

William Hanson 0:05:48 Big poof and we're all gone.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:50 You blew yourself up.

William Hanson 0:05:53 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:54 We went to William Hanson's for a barbecue. Dead. Midway through turning a sausage, one big poof, he'd gone. Yeah, you don't want

William Hanson 0:06:06 that. The meat was cremated, as was the host.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:07 Gosh, can you imagine? Yeah.

William Hanson 0:06:11 So I'm in touch with a handy person on WhatsApp, but he's taking forever to respond. He actually even asked if he could come today, and I was like, well, you can come today as long as you turn up before 10, before I leave the house. Hasn't even read the message.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:22 Why didn't you get Silicon Sean to do it when he'd finished the pipework?

William Hanson 0:06:26 Genuinely, it did go through my head, and I went, I don't know if this is taking the piss.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:31 Oh, I'd give it a whirl. Or at least his— what was his little chap called? Tony. Tony. His

William Hanson 0:06:36 apprentice, not his little

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:37 chap. Sorry, is that not acceptable? I'd say, look, does Tony have anything to do? If not, could I get him Erectimaninja? Something like that. You know, why not? Put him to work.

William Hanson 0:06:52 But I'm very excited. In fact, probably when you come around for the intergenerational,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:57 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:06:57 It's probably— especially because I'm potentially going to be busy on that day in rehearsals now— it probably is going to be a barbecue.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:04 Oh, nice.

William Hanson 0:07:05 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:05 Do you want me to arrive early to attend to your sausage? Yes.

William Hanson 0:07:10 Yes. If I sign the contract, then yes. It is going to need help, because I won't be home until 6.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:16 Okay.

William Hanson 0:07:17 I mean, I've told you all to come from 7, but I'm gonna have to set the table. We'll probably eat inside, because there are 8 of us. And the table outside only has 6 chairs.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:27 And we live in Great Britain.

William Hanson 0:07:28 And we live in Great Britain, exactly. But— and we'll marinate my meat. I can do all that in advance.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:32 Of course you can. Yeah.

William Hanson 0:07:34 Yeah. But in terms of, you know, you need to preheat, don't you? Uh… You need to preheat your barbecue.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:39 Well, yeah, a bit, but I wouldn't get too worried about that.

William Hanson 0:07:42 Well, how long do you preheat for?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:43 I don't know, 10 minutes?

William Hanson 0:07:44 Oh, fine. I thought you had to like preheat it for an hour.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:47 No!

William Hanson 0:07:48 Oh, right.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:49 No, no, no.

William Hanson 0:07:49 And then, okay, so talk me through, because I'm a barbecue novice. I've got my skewers of chicken.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:54 Oh, you're doing skewers?

William Hanson 0:07:56 Potentially.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:56 Get you!

William Hanson 0:07:57 How long do I sizzle them for?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:02 Until they're cooked.

William Hanson 0:08:04 Yeah, but how do I know they're cooked?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:05 Have you got a meat thermometer?

William Hanson 0:08:07 Yes, I do, but I'll probably get another one, because it's the same one that our friend Dr. Lisa gave me aeons ago. So I'll probably get another one.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:13 Why'd you need another one? Well,

William Hanson 0:08:15 because it's old, isn't it?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:16 Yeah, but does it work?

William Hanson 0:08:17 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:18 What's the problem then? You just stick it in the meat, and if it's over 75 degrees, you're good to go.

William Hanson 0:08:23 Okay. For all meat over 75, or can steak be a little bit lower?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:28 No, steak can definitely be lower.

William Hanson 0:08:30 Okay, fine, good. Yeah, no, chicken will always—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:31 Chicken, yeah, yeah.

William Hanson 0:08:32 Because when we, in the days when we had the air fryer, RIP, we, um, I would always stick my probe in and see if it was at 75 before I ate it, because I did not trust it.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:41 Yeah. No, as long as it's over 75, you're good to go.

William Hanson 0:08:44 Degrees Celsius, this is, for American listeners.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:48 Yes. Yeah, no, you'll be fine.

William Hanson 0:08:49 Okay. So, I'm thinking of doing chicken skewers.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:53 With what? What's on the skewer? Chicken.

William Hanson 0:08:57 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:58 And just chicken.

William Hanson 0:09:00 Chicken. What else do you want?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:02 Pork? Chicken with just chicken. You can't do chicken skewer with chicken.

William Hanson 0:09:05 Well, what do you want?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:07 Peppers.

William Hanson 0:09:08 Oh, right. Well, we'll put some something.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:10 Bit of onion?

William Hanson 0:09:11 Yeah, yeah, something.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:13 Don't make it sound like it's some afterthought. Put some thought into your skewers, for goodness' sake.

William Hanson 0:09:18 I mean, the marinade, I think, will do the talking, really.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:20 Oh, look at you.

William Hanson 0:09:22 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:22 Right.

William Hanson 0:09:23 Sergeant Chicken.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:24 Okay.

William Hanson 0:09:25 Sausages.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:26 Can't go wrong.

William Hanson 0:09:27 Pork. Anything you want on them? Are you okay with just sausages?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:32 I'll just like a sausage.

William Hanson 0:09:33 Okay. Burgers, because I think I'll have a burger.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:36 Okay, you're doing a burger. This is a very traditional Barbecue, isn't it, so far?

William Hanson 0:09:41 Well, what— hang on, you say traditional barbecue?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:44 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:09:44 What are you doing on your barbecue?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:45 It's very Borehamwood, this barbecue, so far, isn't it? It's very Borehamwood. Wow.

William Hanson 0:09:51 Well, what does one do in Harpenden? Not that you live in Harpenden, but you are from Harpenden.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:57 Well, I'd do some short ribs. With a big group of people, I'd do some nice barbecued short ribs.

William Hanson 0:10:05 I don't like bone.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:07 Okay, don't do short ribs. You're gonna do some steaks? Yeah. Steaks?

William Hanson 0:10:14 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:14 Yeah, a bit of steak. Nice. Okay, we're gonna do some steaks. Are we gonna do some stuffed chicken?

William Hanson 0:10:21 Well, no, we've already got chicken on the— we've already got chicken on the skewers.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:26 On the skewers.

William Hanson 0:10:26 We don't need 2 chickens, do we?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:28 Why don't we do some stuffed chicken? Wrapped in pancetta.

William Hanson 0:10:31 When I sent you— and it is that lovely Ninja barbecue that you talked about that we have gone for. On the advert, as I said to you, it says, it says, fits 18 burgers, 3 chickens, 4 rib racks, and 14 steaks. And as our mutual friend Freddie said, who's coming to the, uh, soirée, that's what Jonathan eats at the Grove buffet.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:49 I can't wait to see Freddie on that particular evening. Karate chop him in the windpipe.

William Hanson 0:10:55 Oh yeah, go for it.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:56 Yeah, I will.

William Hanson 0:10:58 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:58 Okay, so we're doing steak. We're doing, uh, Well, you're doing your sausages and your burgers. Now, are we doing halloumi?

William Hanson 0:11:07 No, we don't have any vegetarians coming.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:09 It's nice for a starter. Halloumi.

William Hanson 0:11:12 Starter at a barbecue?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:13 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:11:14 No. That's the same as people that do starters on Christmas Day.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:17 Can we do my bell peppers?

William Hanson 0:11:18 Oh, pepper, pepper, pepper, pepper.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:21 Can we do my bell peppers?

William Hanson 0:11:22 You're such a pepper pig.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:23 Let's do my bell peppers.

William Hanson 0:11:25 But there's bell— there's pepper in the— on my skewers now.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:29 Yeah, but I think, so a half a bell pepper, we crack an egg into it, sprinkling of cheddar cheese over the top. It's a very nice barbecue little spesh.

William Hanson 0:11:40 Okay, and it cooks and the egg goes solid or the egg goes a little bit runny?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:44 Well, normally it's cooked, yeah, but the cheese, because the cheese has melted all over it, it's still nice and gooey.

William Hanson 0:11:50 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:51 It's lovely, yeah. It's a nice little barbecue spesh.

William Hanson 0:11:54 Send me the recipe.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:55 I've done that for you before.

William Hanson 0:11:56 I don't think you have.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:57 I have.

William Hanson 0:11:58 I can't remember it.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:59 Well, there we go.

William Hanson 0:12:00 That might be the alcohol though.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:01 That might have been the alcohol. So, we do the bell peppers.

William Hanson 0:12:04 Not a reflection on your bell.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:05 No. Bit of halloumi, I think, is always nice at a barbecue.

William Hanson 0:12:09 Okay. My go-to is sweet potato and regular potato wedges, probably.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:14 Nice.

William Hanson 0:12:14 Do that in the oven.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:15 In the oven? Okay.

William Hanson 0:12:16 Yeah, inside. Right.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:17 Some

William Hanson 0:12:18 sort of salad, or we might do Delia's Mediterranean Roast veg.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:23 Oh, it sounds lush.

William Hanson 0:12:25 Selection of relishes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:26 Oh yeah.

William Hanson 0:12:27 Decanted, because not common.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:29 No.

William Hanson 0:12:29 And jobs are good. That's all you need really, isn't it?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:33 Sounds pretty good.

William Hanson 0:12:34 Bread rolls, if you want to, you know, stick your sausage in a roll.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:36 Yeah. Now, what kind of chicken are we doing?

William Hanson 0:12:40 Breast.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:41 Oh.

William Hanson 0:12:42 I don't like thigh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:44 Yes, but chicken breast on a barbecue can be very dry.

William Hanson 0:12:47 Well, what would you suggest?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:49 Chicken thigh.

William Hanson 0:12:49 Oh no.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:50 Chicken thigh is very forgiving. You can cook a chicken thigh for ages, and it's still succulent, delicious.

William Hanson 0:12:58 But there's all that gristle.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:00 Gristle?

William Hanson 0:13:02 Oh, I don't like a chicken. There's all that—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:03 There's no gristle on a thigh. No. You've been eating the wrong thighs. No, a thigh should be succulent and flavoursome.

William Hanson 0:13:17 No, I much prefer, I much prefer breast.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:19 Right. Well, if we're going—

William Hanson 0:13:21 I'm a breast man.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:21 So, if we're going to do breasts, we must stuff them so they don't dry out. So, I would suggest—

William Hanson 0:13:28 Yeah, but chunks.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:28 What?

William Hanson 0:13:30 On the skewer. You can't stuff a chicken—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:32 Oh, we're going back to your skewers, are we, again? So, we're doing chicken breast on a skewer?

William Hanson 0:13:36 I mean, I'll either, I'll either make them myself or I might get them in from the butcher.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:40 Right. Well, let's just hope you've got lots of drinks to remoisten the mouth.

William Hanson 0:13:45 I have Already pre-ordered in…

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:48 Buckets of wine.

William Hanson 0:13:50 Yes, I was going to say something else, but a lot of Malbec.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:53 Okay, good.

William Hanson 0:13:54 Okay, there's a lovely Malbec.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:56 But honestly, a chicken breast skewer?

William Hanson 0:13:59 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:00 I just feel everyone's going to be dried out with that. So, I think we could— if we're going to do chicken, I think let's rethink the chicken. Sorry. Sorry, another one of William's big throaty gulps.

William Hanson 0:14:16 It was a swallow of despair.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:19 I just think, so if we're going to do chicken breasts, let's slice them in half.

William Hanson 0:14:25 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:25 Let's whack a load of mozzarella in.

William Hanson 0:14:28 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:28 Let's wrap them in Parma ham.

William Hanson 0:14:30 I would like

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:31 that. Couple of cocktail sticks.

William Hanson 0:14:34 Retro.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:34 Cook them on there. Then the mozzarella and the Parma ham will keep it semi-moist. They won't be dry. Otherwise, we're all going to be, you know, it's all going to be stuck to the roof of our mouths.

William Hanson 0:14:46 I've never had a dry skewer on a barbecue. My parents do lovely barbecues.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:51 Oh, okay. Well, when you finally rock up after your little, your little fancy job on the stage, you can do the skewers then.

William Hanson 0:15:00 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:00 Don't burden me with all your dry meat.

William Hanson 0:15:03 I'll probably do the skewers before I go off to work.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:06 You're not going to cook them, are you, before you go to work? So when I—

William Hanson 0:15:10 No, no, no, but I'll marinate them.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:11 Yeah, but when I then cook them and I serve them and everyone's kind of yanking dry bits of meat off and going, oh, this is quite dry, who's going to get the blame? Not you. You're going to look at me, aren't you, across the table and say, you've overcooked these, Jonathan. Still dressed as Ruth.

William Hanson 0:15:29 William, take the costume off. Yeah, okay. Well, whatever. Other things that I could do at future barbecues? I mean, we won't do fish. Some people do fish.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:46 How about we do a brisket? We could do a brisket, smoked brisket.

William Hanson 0:15:50 Really? How would you do that?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:52 What, what do you reckon your ring would be like?

William Hanson 0:16:05 What do you mean?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:06 Your smoke ring.

William Hanson 0:16:07 Oh yeah, because I do have a smoked box or something, don't I?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:11 Do you?

William Hanson 0:16:12 Yeah, it comes with a smoker box.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:15 Does it?

William Hanson 0:16:16 I think it does. Yeah, let's look.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:18 Well, if you're going to do a brisket, because when you watch— I love— there's a programme on Netflix, I think it's called Barbecue Showdown.

William Hanson 0:16:27 No, I'm not becoming one of those people.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:29 And they take their brisket very seriously. They, in fact, if you're going to do a brisket—

William Hanson 0:16:35 It's got a wood-fired barbecue smoker.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:39 There you go.

William Hanson 0:16:39 To achieve authentic smoky flavours.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:41 You're gonna have to have Mikey doing an overnighter.

William Hanson 0:16:44 Oh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:45 Because you've got to smoke a brisket all night.

William Hanson 0:16:48 No, no, no, no.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:49 No?

William Hanson 0:16:50 No, he will not do that.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:52 Why not?

William Hanson 0:16:53 I'm just telling you that now.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:55 But we'll need him to wake up every hour on the hour and mop the meat.

William Hanson 0:16:59 Jonathan, I say this with love. Have you met my husband? If he does not get 8 hours of sleep a day, it's— it is like living with a very difficult person.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:12 If I prepared it, would Mikey wake up and mop my meat?

William Hanson 0:17:22 If you asked him nicely, I'm sure he would.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:23 They do in America. They use a mop.

William Hanson 0:17:25 What?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:26 A mop.

William Hanson 0:17:27 What, as in for the floor?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:28 Yes, but they have a little one, and they make their own kind of marinade, and they dip their mop in it.

William Hanson 0:17:35 I'm not doing a brisket.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:35 And then they just kind of wipe the mop with the marinade all over the brisket.

William Hanson 0:17:39 Do remember, this is my first ever barbecue. I just don't think we're ready at brisket level. I think we're going to keep it slightly more classic. We can do a brisket another time, not a problem. But when life is a bit busy, and as I said to you on the phone, is it fair for Sheridan to have a mother on the stage? And I'm off doing that, I'm not getting up every hour to mop my meat.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:04 Right. Have you got a neighbour that could?

William Hanson 0:18:08 I'm not asking my neighbours.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:10 Well, I'm sure they'd be happy to help.

William Hanson 0:18:13 No, not at 2 AM.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:15 Time to go and mop your brisket. They do. When they, um, in America,

William Hanson 0:18:22 yeah,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:22 they're called pits. A pitmaster.

William Hanson 0:18:26 Oh,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:27 um, so you need a pitmaster to come in overnight to attend to the brisket, mop it, and then—

William Hanson 0:18:35 But actually, the mopping takes like 30 seconds. What are you doing for the rest of the hour?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:39 Well, I'm not quite sure, but they take it very seriously.

William Hanson 0:18:42 No, I'm sorry.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:43 Yeah,

William Hanson 0:18:43 no, this is too much.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:44 Okay,

William Hanson 0:18:45 this is where barbecues don't become luxury, and it becomes

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:49 Obsessive. Okay, so are we— we're going back to your traditional barbecue, are we?

William Hanson 0:18:52 Just keep it classic.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:53 Burgers and sausages.

William Hanson 0:18:54 And skewers.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:56 And skewers.

William Hanson 0:18:57 And steak.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:57 Lovely. Oh, and steak.

William Hanson 0:18:59 Yeah, and steak. Yeah. And what sort of steak would you recommend? Go on, you've clearly got rump. I thought you were a rump man.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:05 No, not rump.

William Hanson 0:19:08 Sirloin?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:08 Yes, I like a sirloin.

William Hanson 0:19:10 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:11 Some people like a ribeye.

William Hanson 0:19:12 Oh, that's what I meant rather than rump.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:15 If you— I mean, you're going to be on the stage, so you're going to be earning. So, how about, how about buying an entire fillet?

William Hanson 0:19:21 You've seen my contract.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:22 Let's do an entire fillet.

William Hanson 0:19:24 I thought you said entire Philip.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:26 Let's do an entire fillet.

William Hanson 0:19:30 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:31 And then we can slice it depending on, you know, we can ask everyone, how do you like your steak? Do you like a thick piece, thin piece, whatever? And we can then cook fresh fillet steak for everyone. It's going to be lovely. It's

William Hanson 0:19:43 going to be on the stage for the rest of my life just to pay off this barbecue.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:46 Oh yeah, it's not going to be cheap.

William Hanson 0:19:47 No, it doesn't sound it.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:48 No. Oh!

William Hanson 0:19:50 Yeah?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:51 How about a suckling pig?

William Hanson 0:19:52 No. I don't like seeing face.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:20 'Cause do you remember that time I went to Posh Gary's and he did a suckling pig?

William Hanson 0:20:22 Not on the barbecue, was it?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:24 No, it was in a roasting tin.

William Hanson 0:20:26 And it didn't fit?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:27 It did.

William Hanson 0:20:28 Oh, did it?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:29 It squashed it in. So, you could do— I reckon Freddie would like a suckling pig.

William Hanson 0:20:36 Yeah, probably.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:36 Yeah,

William Hanson 0:20:37 yeah. Hello to him listening. No, I— no, no,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:50 no,

William Hanson 0:20:50 no, just a sausage. So, I don't, I don't like all that. Like, that's where I could potentially become vegetarian.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:57 All right, we won't do a pig. But you were talking about fish.

William Hanson 0:21:01 Oh, some people do fish.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:03 Let's not contaminate this barbecue with anything fishy.

William Hanson 0:21:06 There are In fact, I would say most people at that party don't want anything fishy touching their lips either.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:11 No, quite. Okay, all right. Well, let's—

William Hanson 0:21:13 In fact, all people at that barbecue.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:15 Let's swerve the fish.

William Hanson 0:21:16 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:18 Cauliflower steaks?

William Hanson 0:21:19 Oh, I don't think we're vegans.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:21 Okay.

William Hanson 0:21:22 No. No, I think we've got enough meat, and all the veg have been done in the kitchen.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:26 Cauliflower's not a meat!

William Hanson 0:21:45 I got water in my mouth. No, no, I know it's not a meat. You can turn it. I— what I meant was we have enough meat to eat. We don't need to substitute it with, you know, vegan meat.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:56 Oh,

William Hanson 0:21:58 personally.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:58 Okay.

William Hanson 0:21:59 Who wants a cauliflower steak? Nobody gets excited about a cauliflower steak. Wow. No,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:04 I have some lesbians who attend my soirées. They love one of my cauliflower steaks with a chimichurri sauce.

William Hanson 0:22:10 None of that at mine.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:12 Really? Okay.

William Hanson 0:22:15 So, have you, or did your parents do barbecues? Is this something that you have inherited?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:19 No. Well, yes, but no.

William Hanson 0:22:22 Oh, they did them but not very well?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:24 So, we had a barbecue from Argos. It was not a very good barbecue, and in fact, it once meant my father had to be rushed to A&E when he stood on a hot coal. My father was not a, uh, not a natural barbecuer.

William Hanson 0:22:42 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:43 And my mother didn't trust my father to cook it without poisoning us. So generally what would happen was my, my father would spend several hours trying to light the barbecue.

William Hanson 0:22:52 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:52 Eventually he'd get it lit. Um, we'd then have a roaring barbecue that sometimes he'd put things like paraffin on just to get it going because it wasn't really going enough. Meanwhile, my mother would cook everything in the kitchen.

William Hanson 0:23:06 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:07 And then she'd say, oh, tell your father just to stick that on for a couple of minutes. It was all pre-cooked. So we'd then have to take it out and my father would kind of burn it.

William Hanson 0:23:17 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:18 For 2 minutes, but it was all edible. Because it was precooked.

William Hanson 0:23:23 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:23 That was our kind of family barbecue. Oh, corn on the cob! Would you like a corn on the cob?

William Hanson 0:23:29 I do, yes, yes. But I don't like eating it, gnawing it away like a beaver.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:32 With the little sticks in the ends?

William Hanson 0:23:34 I hate them. I will put one stick in it on each cob so people can then shave it down off the cob, because I don't want any beaver action on my part.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:45 No. Okay. I don't know how to cook them.

William Hanson 0:23:48 Oh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:49 I've never done them, but I know they are very popular.

William Hanson 0:23:52 Surely you just stick them in tin foil and stick them on the barbecue.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:54 I don't know.

William Hanson 0:23:55 Isn't that the way to do it?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:56 Do you not put a bit of butter in them?

William Hanson 0:23:57 Well, yeah, put some butter in the— the tin foil is there to keep the butter in, surely. That's what I would do. I'll look it up if we do that. I could do that. I will, I will, I will not do cauliflower steaks, but I could do a cob.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:07 I think that'd be nice.

William Hanson 0:24:09 Yeah. Where do you stand on seated versus standing barbecues?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:14 I like to sit when I eat.

William Hanson 0:24:16 Exactly.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:16 I do not like to stand up when I eat.

William Hanson 0:24:17 I can't stand it. Oh, standing around. Oh no.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:20 No.

William Hanson 0:24:20 And are you a lover of a novelty apron?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:22 What, with little flaps?

William Hanson 0:24:25 Or says something funny on it? Or indeed, sometimes not funny. It's meant in all seriousness.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:31 I have a novelty apron that was given to me by my colleague Andy Collins.

William Hanson 0:24:38 Oh God.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:39 That I think says something like JVS Grilling station.

William Hanson 0:24:43 Okay, well, that's not too bad.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:44 Is that okay?

William Hanson 0:24:45 Yeah, I thought that would be, uh— I went round to our mutual friend Jordan's house once, and I was in charge of the barbecue. I don't know why. Um, it had mostly been done. I was just there, you know, turning things over, and I had to wear an apron that said Top Chef, and it had different pockets for all the different, like, your sauce and your tongs and whatever. I looked ridiculous.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:05 You would do.

William Hanson 0:25:06 I've got a nice Liberty print apron. that I'm going to wear at my barbecue.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:10 Oh, lovely.

William Hanson 0:25:11 That's what I'll wear.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:12 So butch.

William Hanson 0:25:13 Exactly. In fact, you know what? I might— Mikey will need an apron as well. We've only got one Liberty print apron, so I might buy another one.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:19 Now, we must drink beer.

William Hanson 0:25:21 Oh,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:22 because at a barbecue—

William Hanson 0:25:23 I've got cases of Malbec in.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:25 But you should, when you're standing at the barbecue, you need a bottle of beer. You need to be swigging like a man.

William Hanson 0:25:31 Can I have an Evian?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:32 An Evian?

William Hanson 0:25:33 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:34 Well, it's not going to go with the look.

William Hanson 0:25:37 I'd put it in a glass.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:38 Oh, okay. Well, it's your barbecue, you do what you want to do.

William Hanson 0:25:42 Exactly. Okay, I'm glad we agree on seated barbecues. I don't like standing barbecues. No. I mean, it's fine if you've got 50 people round, but when you've only got 8, as we will have, you can all sit down.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:53 Yeah, it's more like an alfresco soirée.

William Hanson 0:25:55 Exactly.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:55 With barbecue food for a better class of person. Now, were you brought up on barbecues at your luxury home?

William Hanson 0:26:01 Yeah, we often did.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:02 Around the pool?

William Hanson 0:26:03 No, no, it was elsewhere in the garden, the barbecue and the sort of outside furniture.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:07 Nice.

William Hanson 0:26:08 Yeah, um, but no, nice big parasol.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:11 Oh

William Hanson 0:26:11 yes, proper, you know, proper Gloucester furniture, sort of that brand, nice wood seats, nice comfortable cushions. Lovely. Very nice. What about puddings at a barbecue?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:23 Um,

William Hanson 0:26:24 because I don't know what pudding we'll do. I mean, for you, it'll be something from Cook, probably. But what do you think we should do?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:30 Oh, sorry, sorry, was that— that was— sorry, were you just kicking me in the face? Were you just kicking me in the face?

William Hanson 0:26:37 No, and to be fair, because of my hectic showbiz schedule on the West End stage, I might just get a bought pudding in.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:43 Oh, well, I can't wait for that, so I can kick you in the face in front of your guests. I think something with strawberries. I think a—

William Hanson 0:26:52 I was thinking chocolate bread and butter pudding.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:55 No, I think strawberries and cream, something like that for a barbecue.

William Hanson 0:26:59 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:00 Lovely. An Eton Mess?

William Hanson 0:27:02 Oh, I hate them.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:03 So, oh.

William Hanson 0:27:03 No. I can't stand creamy puddings. Like, not cream like that. I don't mind cream on strawberries, that's fine, or cream on a sponge or something. But thick cream and meringue?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:13 I like a fruity pudding with a dessert.

William Hanson 0:27:18 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:19 With a dessert, with a barbecue.

William Hanson 0:27:21 With a barbecue, yes. Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:22 Maybe, how about a fruit salad? Do you— sorry. What about a fruit salad? Do you like a fruit salad?

William Hanson 0:27:29 A mélange?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:30 Mélange?

William Hanson 0:27:31 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:31 Yeah, you can have a mélange.

William Hanson 0:27:33 I might do a mélange.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:34 Yeah, have a mélange.

William Hanson 0:27:35 Because I could do a mélange in the morning before I go off to—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:37 You do your mélange.

William Hanson 0:27:38 Showbiz rehearsals, yeah. Okay. Well, watch this space as to what I do, Bucketheads.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:44 Yes. I'd better get that. It's probably Ninja.

William Hanson 0:27:48 We'll be back in a minute.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:50 Wanting to take it back.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:08 Welcome back, Bucketheads. We've been discussing barbecues. It's now time for your questions, so let's check out our heaving bags of post. Do remember, if there's something on your mind that needs a luxury touch, postman@luxurypodcast.co.uk is the place for your queries and your questions.

William Hanson 0:30:24 I've got a question for you first before we get on to our Bucketheads' questions.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:27 Go on.

William Hanson 0:30:28 When you're writing the word barbecue, Do you write BBQ?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:33 Yes, I do.

William Hanson 0:30:34 Oh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:35 Why?

William Hanson 0:30:36 Do you write it in full?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:37 Full barbecue, do you?

William Hanson 0:30:39 B-A-R-B-E-Q-U-E.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:41 Why would you do that?

William Hanson 0:30:43 Well, because that's the spelling. Do you want to have a BBQ,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:47 or

William Hanson 0:30:47 do you want to have a barbecue?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:48 Okay. You like the full word, do you?

William Hanson 0:30:51 I do, yes. I think abbreviations are common sometimes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:54 Okay, well, okay, fair enough. I'll take that on the chin.

William Hanson 0:30:58 And I hope, producer Sadie, when we put this episode out, we are not Abbreviating barbecue.

Sadie 0:31:03 We'll see.

William Hanson 0:31:04 We will see.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:05 Yeah. We'll

William Hanson 0:31:06 see. BBQ. What's your favourite thing to have on a barbecue?

Sadie 0:31:09 Well, there's one that you failed to mention, which I thought you were going to say when you said about your stuffed peppers. You know those long green peppers you can get? They're really nice with some kind of smoky stuffed cheese and getting them kind of charred. That's really nice.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:24 The red long peppers as well.

Sadie 0:31:26 You get the red long ones, but the green ones are really nice.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:27 I've never had the green long ones.

Sadie 0:31:29 You kind of find them in more food and veg, like actual shops rather than your Tesco's or your Morrisons.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:35 Wow. Wow. Okay. Right. An artisan food shop.

Sadie 0:31:43 That's right. That's right.

William Hanson 0:31:44 Gosh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:45 Okay. Well, that told me.

William Hanson 0:31:46 Posh in Cambridgeshire, aren't they?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:48 Yeah, they certainly are. Spangles has been in touch.

William Hanson 0:31:52 The clown?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:54 There used to be— one of our neighbours had a dog called Spangle.

William Hanson 0:31:58 It's quite a good name.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:59 And he used to sexually molest myself and my brother as children. He once got me behind the rhododendron, and I still remember that. It was traumatising.

William Hanson 0:32:13 How old were you?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:15 About 8. Yeah.

William Hanson 0:32:17 Right.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:17 Spangle got hold of me, And there was no getting them off. Insatiable. Anyway, Spangles— I swear, I'm not even joking. I don't have anything to contribute. Spangles says, barbecues, gas or coal? Which is the luxury option? Oh.

William Hanson 0:32:37 Now, my other friend Jordan told me that I really should have got a coal barbecue, but I think gas is a bit more luxury.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:44 No, coal is more luxury.

William Hanson 0:32:46 Oh, really?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:47 It is, yeah.

William Hanson 0:32:48 But isn't it bad for the environment?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:49 Well, I don't know about that, but it's, um, it's more hassle.

William Hanson 0:32:53 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:54 It's more hassle, it's more dirt, it's more— it's just more difficult. But I would say if you're doing a barbecue absolutely authentically, it should have charcoal and maybe some lumps of wood.

William Hanson 0:33:06 Oh, really?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:07 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

William Hanson 0:33:08 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:09 If you're doing it properly. Gas is a little bit nouveau riche. Oh. As is electric. You've got a combo of both.

William Hanson 0:33:19 I bought the one you— I've got the one that you suggested.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:26 How much did it cost you, William?

William Hanson 0:33:28 One forgets. It was on sale.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:33 Of course it was.

William Hanson 0:33:35 Yeah. But yeah, I've got the one you suggested.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:39 You wanted a gas barbecue.

William Hanson 0:33:41 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:42 I did not tell you to get a gas barbecue.

William Hanson 0:33:43 What have you got?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:44 I've got a gas barbecue, and I've got an electric barbecue.

William Hanson 0:33:47 Okay,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:48 common as muck, but very efficient, very user-friendly.

William Hanson 0:33:52 Cleaner.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:53 Much cleaner. Yeah.

William Hanson 0:33:54 Okay,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:55 yeah.

William Hanson 0:33:55 Okay, so we know that coals, if you have to choose and you've got the time, yeah, is more luxury.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:00 Oh yeah, definitely. That's the most luxury option.

William Hanson 0:34:02 Okay. Ben says, when hosting a barbecue, how do you deal with those pesky wasps? I just see them as pests, and I gracefully waft them away, whereas my wife will leave our seating area in a mad panic, swatting the air around her like she's been assaulted by a squadron of killer hornets. Many thanks, Ben. So Diptyque last year— I'm hoping they do one this year— came up with a lovely citronelle candle.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:26 Citronelle candle?

William Hanson 0:34:29 Yeah, they called it citronelle. French in it, but citronella.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:33 Yeah,

William Hanson 0:34:34 and I'm desperate to get that again. I hope they do it again this year because that will keep buzzy things away. But I would say a citronella candle— maybe not put it on the table because that's going to overpower the smell of the food— can help. But I guess wasps are, particularly at certain times of year, in the heat of summer, it's kind of—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:51 they're a pain.

William Hanson 0:34:52 They are a pain. But if someone had come up with a wonderful way to get rid of them, we'd all be doing it.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:56 I have a torture racket which Although I don't think it's luxury, it's immensely rewarding because they work on

William Hanson 0:35:06 wasps.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:06 Yes, you get the wasp and you press the button and they sizzle to death. Yeah, so, um, I would say they're quite fun. Give them to, you know, if you've got Auntie Doreen at the barbecue, give it to Auntie Doreen. Say, Doreen, can you be in charge of wasps? She'll love it.

William Hanson 0:35:23 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:23 There's also a thing you can buy, and I hang them in my trees when I have barbecues. Barbecues when it's wasp season.

William Hanson 0:35:29 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:30 And you fill them with kind of orange juice and honey, and they, uh, they're a decoy. So all your wasps end up in there, and then when they go in, they die.

William Hanson 0:35:39 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:40 So, but you can hang those from a distance.

William Hanson 0:35:42 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:42 But apart from that, I mean, wasps are just a nightmare sometimes, aren't they? Absolute nightmare.

William Hanson 0:35:47 Geez. Yeah. Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:49 So let's hope at your soiree it's not wasp season.

William Hanson 0:35:52 I mean, it's going to be That time of year, maybe not wasp season. I would say wasp season is more the height of summer, would you say? So, we're probably going to be okay. Yeah, I would say.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:36:03 Hopefully.

William Hanson 0:36:03 And are wasps like flies, and they're attracted to light, or are they just attracted to sort of sugary sweet things?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:36:08 They like sugary sweet things.

William Hanson 0:36:12 So, maybe a cheese course instead.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:36:15 I think any kind of food, though. They'll be buzzing around, Irritating everyone immensely.

William Hanson 0:36:21 But I don't think it's luxury to go into histrionics because there's a wasp. Can we say that?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:36:25 Well, maybe not until you get stung by one.

William Hanson 0:36:29 Oh yeah, but you'll live.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:36:31 They're very— well, unless you've got anaphylaxis.

William Hanson 0:36:34 Well, then you won't.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:36:37 But— Then thank you for coming to the barbecue. Shall I call an ambulance?

William Hanson 0:36:43 No, too late. You know, that's what I would say Going, oh, getting all prissy about it. Just move away, by all means, if needs be, but I wouldn't get, you know, dramatic.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:36:55 You're coming to Frigiliana this year.

William Hanson 0:36:57 Oh God.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:36:57 And I've been to Frigiliana where they've had a lot of wasps, and I got stung.

William Hanson 0:37:04 At my time of year?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:37:05 Not so much at your time of year.

William Hanson 0:37:07 Okay, good.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:37:08 All right, keeping you up, am I? Sorry, sorry. Gosh, do you want me to read you a bedtime story? Um, I have been there when it's been wasp season, and I got stung on my privates.

William Hanson 0:37:24 Well, that'll teach you for skinny dipping.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:37:27 I was in the swimming pool.

William Hanson 0:37:28 Were you?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:37:29 On a lilo. No, I wasn't naked. And all of a sudden, I felt this terrible pain, and a wasp had stung me on my privates. Isn't that horrible? What a way to be awoken. From a sun-induced sleep. Horrible.

William Hanson 0:37:50 Wasn't there also, when you were there—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:37:52 What?

William Hanson 0:37:53 Didn't one of your guests get eaten alive by some sort of—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:37:56 Scolopendra singulata!

William Hanson 0:37:58 Yes!

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:37:58 Yeah, yeah. She ended up with massive hands. She was like the Elephant Woman. Massive hands. And then one of her teeth fell out in a cheese sauce. I

William Hanson 0:38:07 don't think I should be coming.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:38:09 Oh, we'll have such a laugh.

William Hanson 0:38:11 But what happens if I'm devoured by a Scolopendra singulata?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:38:14 Oh yeah, well, you are staying in Frigiliana. They've got them.

William Hanson 0:38:17 So is this why I should be in Nurkha? Do they have them?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:38:20 I've never seen one in Nurkha.

William Hanson 0:38:22 I think I might be moving.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:38:23 But in Frigiliana, yeah, you might wake up Scolopendra singulata attacking you in the dead of night.

William Hanson 0:38:30 And they describe what one of them looks like?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:38:32 It's a long kind of centipede, and it's got the sting of a scorpion.

William Hanson 0:38:41 Yeah. I just— maybe it's best I just come for the day.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:38:43 Are you having second thoughts now about our luxury experience in Frigg? You can't back out now.

William Hanson 0:38:50 Well, I can.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:38:51 You've told everyone.

William Hanson 0:38:52 Everything's refundable.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:38:53 You've told everyone you're coming.

William Hanson 0:38:54 We can edit it out.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:38:55 Just think of the material if you got bitten, attacked by a Scolopendra cingulata.

William Hanson 0:39:00 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:39:01 William with his big hand. Imagine. You'll be fine. I'll look after you.

William Hanson 0:39:06 Okay, thank you.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:39:07 Claire's been in touch. Claire says, hello boys, quick question. When you're hosting a barbecue, what do you usually serve food on? Oh, paper plates with wooden cutlery and napkins, or proper crockery and cloth napkins? Many thanks. Claire, need you ask, Claire?

William Hanson 0:39:26 What are you talking about? Yeah, this is going to be a short answer. Always anything on proper plates with proper cutlery. Yeah, wooden cutlery should be banned. Yeah, plastic— I mean, it's better than plastic cutlery. Plastic cutlery is terrible. Yeah, but proper cutlery. Just because you're eating alfresco doesn't mean to say that you should scrimp on chinaware and cutlery.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:39:47 Yeah,

William Hanson 0:39:48 you can take your plates and cutlery outside. All this whole, like, chuck it in the bin and then it's all done, no washing up— no, just don't have guests over if you can't be bothered.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:39:56 I have in my loft, I have a box Box of barbecue crockery. Plates. Plates that are specifically for large barbecues.

William Hanson 0:40:05 So, how do they differ from your normal crockery?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:40:08 Cheap. They're cheap. Cheap, proper plates. They go in the dishwasher. They live in a box in the loft should I have a big soiree. Rather than serving people food on a paper or plastic plate, cheap crockery.

William Hanson 0:40:22 Really?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:40:23 Yeah. Lovely. Then you've not got to worry if somebody drops one, it smashes on your patio. It doesn't matter, it's cheap. You know, you're not serving them up the best roll Worcester.

William Hanson 0:40:32 Double-glazed Avenue.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:40:33 Exactly. So, it doesn't matter.

William Hanson 0:40:36 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:40:36 But I think, um, always got to be proper crockery.

William Hanson 0:40:39 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:40:40 And proper cutlery.

William Hanson 0:40:41 And proper glassware. No plastic glassware.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:40:43 Quite.

William Hanson 0:40:44 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:40:44 Unless you're around a pool.

William Hanson 0:40:45 In which case it's advisable.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:40:47 Exactly.

William Hanson 0:40:48 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:40:48 But no, definitely not paper, not plastic. No. Life's too short.

William Hanson 0:40:54 You can have, you know, this is where gingham becomes acceptable for a little barbecue. If you want a sort of a fun rustic touch, if you're alfresco, gingham napkin.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:41:03 Why not?

William Hanson 0:41:04 I've actually bought for our alfresco seating area that we probably won't be at for the barbecue, I bought some lovely round— I know, I don't care— I've bought some round placemats with peonies on.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:41:15 Oh, nice.

William Hanson 0:41:16 Peonies and roses.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:41:17 Don't say that we won't be outside. The weather may be very balmy.

William Hanson 0:41:22 It may be very balmy, but we'll certainly, if we're not outside, outside in the sort of the dining room.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:41:28 You'll pull your bifolds back, won't you?

William Hanson 0:41:30 My back's gonna be wide open.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:41:31 Yeah, exactly. Well, that's the beauty of a bifold.

William Hanson 0:41:33 It is.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:41:34 Bring the outside in.

William Hanson 0:41:36 Outdoors, indoors, luxury barbecue, but no finger buffet.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:41:39 Quite. Well, on that note, I think that'll do, don't you?

William Hanson 0:41:41 I think that will do. We'll be back tomorrow with a bonus episode, and it's a very special episode, isn't it?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:41:46 It is a very special episode.

William Hanson 0:41:48 Both of my podcast husbands together.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:41:51 Oh, yes.

William Hanson 0:41:52 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:41:52 A ménagerie!

William Hanson 0:41:56 Wow.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:41:56 Wow.

William Hanson 0:41:57 Yes, I am the, uh, I— who does that make me? I guess I'm— I guess I'm the King in a previous life, and one of them is Diana, and one of you is Camilla.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:42:09 Wow, that's not really an image that I want, but we'll be back tomorrow. For now though, goodbye!