Help I Sexted The Luxury Podcast

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:00:45 Hello, and welcome to The Luxury Podcast. My name's Jonathan Vernon-Smith. With me is William Hanson. This is the podcast that helps you live a more luxury life.

William Hanson 0:01:03 Now, this is really where worlds collide. I'm very confused already. Um, so I would love to introduce you, Gene Divas and Bucketheads alike, to my 2 favourite co-hosts, Jordan North from Help I Sexed Up My Boss and Jonathan Vernon-Smith from The Luxury Podcast. Hello both.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:01:21 Hello, William.

William Hanson 0:01:22 Oh, oh, we get a clap.

Jordan North 0:01:24 It's like Your affair, your mistress, and your husband. Yes.

William Hanson 0:01:29 My wife and my mistress have come together. You can argue as to who is who.

Jordan North 0:01:33 Yes. It's like, we've come together and found out your dirty little secret. And obviously—

William Hanson 0:01:40 Always better when you come together.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:01:41 Oh, William.

William Hanson 0:01:43 Oh, don't you play the prude.

Jordan North 0:01:45 Are you allowed to make jokes like that on the Luxury Podcast?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:01:49 Yes, but with a luxury twist. Okay, we try not to be common.

William Hanson 0:01:53 Now, if you are a Buckyhead and you have never listened to Sex Ed, or you are a G&Diva and you have never listened to the Luxury Podcast, let's just sort of recap. So Jordan, can you explain what Sex Ed is about?

Jordan North 0:02:04 So Help, I Sexed My Boss is a podcast that started in 2018. Uh, William and I have been friends for many years. We've been friends for about the same time, 2011, we reckon we both met.

William Hanson 0:02:13 Yeah.

Jordan North 0:02:14 And basically we, uh, act as agony aunts, agony uncles, or solution sluts, as some of our Gene Divas like to call us. And we basically help people with modern-day problems and dilemmas. So things like, um, it can be anything wide-ranging from, um, do you change the bedding when you stay at somebody's house in the guest bedroom? Or we had one recently, if a gay man came in to find his partner fingering his mum.

William Hanson 0:02:42 I don't think it was fingering, actually. I think it was fisting.

Jordan North 0:02:46 Oh yeah. No, I think he was fingering her. I think he was—

William Hanson 0:02:49 Arm deep was the legend.

Jordan North 0:02:51 Yeah, but I think it was fingering.

William Hanson 0:02:53 Either way, not great.

Jordan North 0:02:54 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:56 Oh my God.

William Hanson 0:03:00 Whereas on Luxury, we did a whole episode about bins.

Jordan North 0:03:02 There you go.

William Hanson 0:03:03 Jonathan, tell us about Luxury Podcast.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:07 So, Luxury Podcast. Well, it morphed from Keeping Up Appearances: The Luxury Podcast, which we began in COVID times. Yes. And then we ran out of episodes. But by this point, we were having so much fun, we thought, well, why just stop there?

William Hanson 0:03:21 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:21 So, we continued. We did. We live our lives as Hyacinth Bouquet, as you know, Jordan. I mean, yes, you know both of us, and we do live our lives as the genuine Hyacinth Bouquet. So, we are kind of allowing Hyacinth to live on in us and our podcast.

William Hanson 0:03:38 Exactly. And how you can be better than your neighbours. And as we said recently on Sexted, Sexted is chalk and cheese. Luxury is cheese and wine.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:45 Ah.

William Hanson 0:03:46 There we go. That's how we differentiate between the two.

Jordan North 0:03:48 And you're the wine?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:50 I'm not quite sure.

William Hanson 0:03:51 You're the chalk wine, and I'm the cheese, 'cause I'm in both.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:53 Oh, I see. You're a fine claret.

Jordan North 0:03:56 No, I'd be a fine claret. No, he'd be a Malbec.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:58 I'd be a nice big bold Malbec.

Jordan North 0:04:00 A nice big bold Malbec.

William Hanson 0:04:01 You'd be a small Pinot, wouldn't you?

Jordan North 0:04:03 And so it begins. And so it— Can we have a drink? So what character would I be on Keeping Up Appearances?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:11 Onslow. Oh, sorry, that came out too quickly.

Jordan North 0:04:13 That came out very quickly. I'm thinking more—

William Hanson 0:04:17 I'd say more Rose.

Jordan North 0:04:18 Rose. More Rose!

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:20 My sister Rose!

Jordan North 0:04:21 The one who's been about a bit.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:23 Yeah, the slut.

Jordan North 0:04:25 Okay, and who would you— and obviously you're both Hyacinth.

William Hanson 0:04:31 You could be Richard, the long-suffering husband.

Jordan North 0:04:33 No, I see, I see.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:33 Who?

William Hanson 0:04:34 Him.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:35 No, he's not like Richard. What are you talking about?

Jordan North 0:04:37 See, I genuinely think you're more like Emmett.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:41 In real life. A musical. Really? Yeah.

William Hanson 0:04:45 Now I've just poured us a Gin and Dubonnet, which is our signature drink on Sexed It. Oh yes. So, this is so— it's missing a slice of lemon, but we'll crash on. This is very odd for me, having you both here. Let's toast Help! I Sexed It, the luxury podcast. Yeah!

Jordan North 0:04:59 Cheers! You don't— you're not allowed to clink.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:02 No, come on.

Jordan North 0:05:02 It's common.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:03 We could have called it Help! I Sexed It in My Bucket. Which could have worked just as well. Okay. Oh, now let me have a G&D.

Jordan North 0:05:16 You've had a G&D before, haven't you?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:18 Yes, that's good.

Jordan North 0:05:20 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:05:20 Now, we have deprived Jonathan of going for his pre-production meeting. No, you haven't!

Jordan North 0:05:26 Have you been?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:27 I got an earlier train. I don't like to miss an event at the pub.

William Hanson 0:05:31 A pre-production meeting.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:33 Yeah. Oh, I'm in a pre-production meeting, yes.

Jordan North 0:05:36 'Cause we've met in the pub a few times. You love— I loved it. You love a pint as much as me, I think.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:40 I love a pint.

Jordan North 0:05:41 Yeah, a proper pint. And he's a pale ale drinker, innit?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:44 Yeah.

Jordan North 0:05:46 Yeah. Real ale.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:46 Real ale, yeah.

Jordan North 0:05:48 Or anything alcoholic, really.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:49 Don't you like ale?

Jordan North 0:05:50 No, no. I like ale, but it don't like me.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:53 Oh.

Jordan North 0:05:54 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:05:55 Look east.

Jordan North 0:05:55 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:05:56 No, that's not a look east.

Jordan North 0:05:59 Oh, is that not a look east? No, no, no. No, no, no, no. I like Guinness. That's my favourite. A whiskey. Oh yeah, I thought you'd like a Guinness.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:06 Bit bland.

Jordan North 0:06:07 What?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:08 I found it a bit bland.

Jordan North 0:06:09 Oh my God.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:10 It's like, um, it's like a child's beer.

William Hanson 0:06:12 Oh my God, top 5. A child's beer gets you shit-faced.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:15 No, you know, you know a Boddington's or a John Smith's?

Jordan North 0:06:19 I love a Boddy's or a John Smith's.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:20 Well, there you go, that's why you like it.

Jordan North 0:06:22 I used to pour Boddy's all the time in the pub I worked in. I love it. I've not had a Boddy's in ages.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:26 No, but a Guinness is, is like a black version of that, isn't it, really?

Jordan North 0:06:30 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:33 Do you know?

William Hanson 0:06:34 Now, on Sexed, I normally, at the start of an episode, deliver a line that sums up Jordan and my differences. For example, I'm more first-class dining, you're more middle-class wining. That's Jonathan. Very true. Well, is it Jonathan?

Jordan North 0:06:48 I've heard his show.

William Hanson 0:06:50 Middle-class wining?

Jordan North 0:06:53 It's on BBC Three Counties, for God's sake.

William Hanson 0:06:55 True. I didn't want Jonathan to feel left out, so here's one that we've written for you. I'm more cocktails in Soho, you're more a Manley Perillo. Although you're not wearing a Manley—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:06 Stop doing my voice!

Jordan North 0:07:06 Oh, he does the best impressions of you.

William Hanson 0:07:08 You're not wearing a Manley Perillo, but you are wearing your action slacks.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:11 I have got action slacks on. I'm always ready for action, night or day. I'm always ready for action.

William Hanson 0:07:17 Mainly day. 'Cause you go to bed very early.

Jordan North 0:07:20 So today, are you gonna try and teach me how to be more luxury then?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:22 We hope so.

Jordan North 0:07:23 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:24 Mm.

Jordan North 0:07:24 Yeah. I think—

William Hanson 0:07:26 It's a cross. It's a blend. It's like, you know, this is, in effect, it's going to be the podcast version of Dolly the Sheep.

Jordan North 0:07:34 I see. I'm not gonna get— for our Gene Devers, I'm not gonna get any of those references. Who the feck is Dolly the Sheep?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:42 The cloned sheep.

Jordan North 0:07:43 From Wallace and Gromit? No. The sheep.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:52 You must remember Dolly the Sheep.

Jordan North 0:07:53 Oh, it's Dolly the Sheep.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:55 The cloned sheep. Oh, is this an Well, it was, yeah. It was, it was.

William Hanson 0:08:00 It was about the same time the Millennium Dome was in the news.

Jordan North 0:08:02 Oh, they cloned a sheep.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:03 Yeah, they cloned a sheep.

William Hanson 0:08:04 Look up Dolly the Sheep later.

Jordan North 0:08:06 So how am I like Dolly the Sheep then?

William Hanson 0:08:07 Well, no, this podcast is like Dolly the Sheep. Oh, right. Because it's a sort of a hybrid of 2 things.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:14 Bizarre reference, William. What are you talking about? Now, of course, as you will know, Jordan, William is prone to fainting.

Jordan North 0:08:23 He's a bit of a Mary Ann, isn't he?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:24 He—

William Hanson 0:08:24 I'm sorry?

Jordan North 0:08:25 You allowed to say that these days?

William Hanson 0:08:27 Who's Mary Ann?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:27 What's a Mary Ann?

Jordan North 0:08:28 Oh, is that a northern thing?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:29 I don't know. What is a Mary Ann?

Jordan North 0:08:31 Someone that's like, stop being a Mary Ann.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:33 Oh, like a wimp.

William Hanson 0:08:34 A hypochondriac.

Jordan North 0:08:35 Yeah, a bit soft. A Mary Ann. Oh, you Mary Ann.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:37 He's a proper Mary Ann. He's proper—

Jordan North 0:08:39 he faints a lot, don't he? Even as a child.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:41 Sitting down. So just in case anything should happen to him, it's probably a good idea for my future that we just try out to see if there's a backup.

Jordan North 0:08:49 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:50 So can we just try one or two luxury questions out on you?

Jordan North 0:08:54 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:55 Just to make sure That you'd be up to the job.

Jordan North 0:08:58 Okay, go for it.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:59 I mean, not that you need the job, but I do, so—

William Hanson 0:09:02 No, but it'll dry up eventually.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:04 What?

William Hanson 0:09:04 So—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:05 What? Well— Jordan's career?

William Hanson 0:09:07 Yeah. As will all of ours. So it's always good to have a backup.

Jordan North 0:09:12 It will.

William Hanson 0:09:13 In many ways, you're looking at—

Jordan North 0:09:14 And that's the only thing that's drying up about me, thank you very much.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:17 You're looking at your future! You're looking at your future. I'm gonna punch you in the face. If I thought you'd feel it, I would.

Jordan North 0:09:28 This is great! This is so good! It's like 2 pissed ants, innit? They live together. You know those pissed ants that live together? One of them's a lesbian. Engine braking. And they're just like, she never had a chance. You're 2 lesbian ants.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:44 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:09:44 I am in Boots.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:45 One of whom's got a wooden leg. Like my Auntie Ethel. She lived with another woman, and she had a wooden leg.

Jordan North 0:09:52 Was she a—

William Hanson 0:09:53 Is she the one that—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:54 No, I don't think so.

Jordan North 0:09:55 Yes, that's what I mean. They always lived with other women, but they weren't lesbians, weren't they? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

William Hanson 0:09:57 Is she the one that had the chauffeur-driven car?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:59 No, that was Aunty Anne.

William Hanson 0:10:00 Oh, the auntie.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:01 Not a chauffeur-driven car, chauffeur-driven Lada Riva. Which was on a budget.

William Hanson 0:10:06 A Lada Riva is the equivalent now of a what?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:09 Well, it was a Russian vehicle that you could buy for £3,000.

Jordan North 0:10:15 I've never heard of a Russian car. But she had a chauffeur-driven— Lada.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:19 In the '90s, we had Ladas. And— They were really cheap. You could buy a brand-new one for £3,000. And she had a Lada Riva that was chauffeur-driven. And she came to visit us once. And I, as a kid, I used to like cars. So whenever anyone came to visit us, I used to say, can I go and sit in your car? A bit weird. And bizarrely, most people used to let me. They'd give me their car keys, and I'd go and sit in their car.

William Hanson 0:10:46 Different times.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:47 Yeah. So I went out into her Lada, and I opened the glove box, and 2 bottles of vodka and about 400 Players cigarettes fell out. She used to sit in the back smoking and drinking, and being driven around in a white Lada Riva.

Jordan North 0:11:02 Who was the chauffeur?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:03 Don't know, some bloke. He turned up as well. Well, he had to. He's the driver.

William Hanson 0:11:08 Yeah.

Jordan North 0:11:09 Okay.

William Hanson 0:11:09 Okay, so let's do some due diligence on Jordan.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:11 Okay. Due diligence.

Jordan North 0:11:13 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:13 Are you ready now? This is for me to be William's understudy?

Jordan North 0:11:16 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:18 Now, we have spent a lot of time talking about cleaning.

Jordan North 0:11:20 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:21 And I know that you like cleaning.

Jordan North 0:11:24 I love cleaning.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:25 And I also know that you are a very good cleaner. So, what is your approach to cleaning, particularly when it comes to bathrooms and kitchens? Are there some go-to products that you always use? And are you a fan of our High Buff Polish?

William Hanson 0:11:40 Shall we do bathrooms?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:41 Well, we could start with bathrooms. Okay.

Jordan North 0:11:43 Bathrooms, for me, it's got to be Flash white bleach.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:49 Flash white bleach?

Jordan North 0:11:51 Yeah, it smells really good. You know the bleach spray?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:53 Yeah.

Jordan North 0:11:54 Yeah, I love—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:55 You use that in your bathroom?

Jordan North 0:11:57 Yeah, it's the— that's great. Get it in the bath, in the toilet.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:01 In the bath?

Jordan North 0:12:01 Yeah, in the sink, on the sides, right? And then obviously I'm a Harpic gal for the toilet. I'm not Toilet Duck or bleach. I'm a Harpic type of gal. So you mix that in, leave it for a bit, but then I like to buff with either Mirror, window cleaner, or vinegar spray. Now, however, for the kitchen—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:25 He's a lunatic.

Jordan North 0:12:26 The kitchen, I'm a Cif man. You can't beat Cif.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:31 Cif? Yeah. What, for everything?

Jordan North 0:12:32 Yeah, Cif for everything. William introduced me to Cif spray for stainless steel, and again, I use a bunch of Cif spray.

William Hanson 0:12:37 Which was introduced to me by Jonathan.

Jordan North 0:12:38 But I do like a microfiber cloth, and I like to, um, but I'm also a big fan of the Scrub Daddy.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:45 Cushua. Now—

Jordan North 0:12:46 You know the Scrub Daddy sponge? I do, yeah, yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:48 I prefer a Scrub Mummy. But the bleach spray, I know that bleach spray.

Jordan North 0:12:54 Splash bleach spray.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:55 Yeah, yeah, yeah. The best. I'm surprised you use that in the bath.

Jordan North 0:12:58 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:58 It's very aggressive.

Jordan North 0:12:59 Yeah, it's great. Really? Perfect.

William Hanson 0:13:01 Yeah, but with plastic tubs, it'll be fine.

Jordan North 0:13:03 Bitch, please. Plastic tubs.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:06 I have a plastic tub.

William Hanson 0:13:08 Oh, do you?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:09 Yes. High-quality acrylic for a better class of premises. Well, are you telling me you have what, metal? Ceramic.

Jordan North 0:13:17 Here we go. Don't mock somebody.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:19 Ceramic.

Jordan North 0:13:20 Yeah, that's what it is.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:22 Oh, sorry. Who are we picking on?

William Hanson 0:13:23 Sorry. Can we just get back to bathrooms? Where do you start in the bathroom? What's the first thing you clean?

Jordan North 0:13:30 You start from the top and you work to the bottom. You do. What you do to the top, you do to the bottom.

William Hanson 0:13:40 Not always.

Jordan North 0:13:40 That was what I was always told.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:43 That is very true. When I was younger.

William Hanson 0:13:44 Okay.

Jordan North 0:13:45 I'm getting into it.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:46 I used to work for the Ramada Jarvis. So, I'm quite an expert when it comes to cleaning bathrooms.

Jordan North 0:13:52 Were you a cleaner?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:53 Yes. Not for long, 2 weeks.

Jordan North 0:13:55 I was a cleaner as well. I used to clean offices for the post office.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:58 Did you? Yeah. Oh. Yeah. Did you use flash bleach?

Jordan North 0:14:01 No, it was all industrial stuff. Ah. Yeah. But flash bleach, I can highly recommend. Also, unpopular opinion, I'm a big fan of Shake 'n' Vac.

William Hanson 0:14:12 Wow. That's a retro reference.

Jordan North 0:14:13 Yeah. Yeah.

William Hanson 0:14:15 Do they still make that?

Jordan North 0:14:16 Yeah. Put the freshness back. My mum and dad got me into it. I know it's not good. I don't have any pets, so it's fine. But every now and then I put a bit of Shake 'n' Vac on me rugs and carpets.

William Hanson 0:14:23 And what's it meant to do? Pardon? Other than literally— It just smells nice and gets everything up. So you pop it on your carpet, do you leave it for a bit?

Jordan North 0:14:31 Yeah, just leave it and then go around. And then you vacuum it up.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:33 So—

William Hanson 0:14:34 Wow.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:34 I like Spanish cleaning products.

Jordan North 0:14:36 Yes, so do I.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:37 Are you aware there are some Spanish versions of Shake 'n' Vac with jabón de Marsella?

Jordan North 0:14:43 Jabón de Marsella?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:44 Yeah.

Jordan North 0:14:44 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:45 You can shake that on. Again, you leave it, vac it up, jabón de Marsella on it. Oh, okay.

Jordan North 0:14:51 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:51 You can get one in Nunuco. What's funny?

Jordan North 0:14:58 I'm serious. Also, old ones, I'm a big starcher as well. I starch my shirts and stuff.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:04 Do you?

Jordan North 0:15:05 Yeah, but is it spray or is it— Spray starch, yeah. So that's my favourite cleaning go-to products. But vinegar spray, I love. It buffs everything up so nice.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:14 It is good. I just can't bear the smell.

Jordan North 0:15:16 You can get lemon spray now.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:18 The new Acevee?

Jordan North 0:15:19 No, it's Astonish.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:22 Oh, Astonish. Yeah, they do one as well, yeah.

William Hanson 0:15:24 You like Astonish, don't you?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:25 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:15:25 You use something that's Astonish?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:26 Yeah, my mould and mildew spray's Astonish, yeah. Well done for remembering.

Jordan North 0:15:30 Do you have a cleaner?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:31 I do, but I don't know why.

William Hanson 0:15:34 'Cause she gets—

Jordan North 0:15:35 I can imagine you being very strict with her, can't— aren't you?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:38 Oh yes, I do run a tight ship.

Jordan North 0:15:40 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:40 Yeah. Uh, she largely just polishes because everything's already clean.

Jordan North 0:15:45 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:46 So she generally comes in and polishes. But I do like her because, in all seriousness, she comes in once a fortnight. She's been— Is that it? Once a fortnight? Yeah, she's been with me for years, Jordan. Since 2007.

William Hanson 0:15:58 For various reasons, I was having to deep dive on Jonathan's Facebook page weeks ago to find something, which I actually didn't— I think I did find eventually in the end. And going back to like 2009, back in the day when Facebook was slightly new, Jonathan's just uploaded a whole album of photos of his cleaner.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:14 What? It's important to let everyone know you have one. So, I had a Facebook album of my cleaner.

Jordan North 0:16:24 Why did you have an elephant? Bless her.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:26 Yeah, no, she's happy. Right. Where do you do most of your cooking? Because I am an alfresco cooker.

Jordan North 0:16:35 Outside?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:36 Yeah.

Jordan North 0:16:36 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:37 'Cause I don't like the smell inside. Do you cook inside?

Jordan North 0:16:40 I do, but I'm a big— during the week, just throw it in the air fryer. It's done in 5, 10 minutes. I love an air fryer.

William Hanson 0:16:46 There we go.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:46 Oh, Jordan.

Jordan North 0:16:47 I knew we'd gonna get along.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:48 Honestly.

Jordan North 0:16:50 Anything you can do in a cooker, you can do in an air fryer.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:52 Sorry?

Jordan North 0:16:54 Anything you can do in a cooker— I was trying to say cooker. You can do in an air fryer. Honestly. I've made shakshuka in an air fryer before. Have you?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:02 He took his air fryer to the tip, and it was working perfectly.

Jordan North 0:17:05 Now, why would you do that?

William Hanson 0:17:06 I tried to sell it, and it didn't sell, and I needed to get rid of it.

Jordan North 0:17:10 They're the best.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:11 So he took it to the tip, the perfectly working 2-drawer air fryer.

Jordan North 0:17:15 Do you know what I've just ordered? And it arrived to my house this week. A toasty maker. A good old-fashioned toasty maker. I'm gonna have toasties in the garden.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:23 You could have had one of the— I've got one in my loft. Oh! You could have had mine from the loft. I don't use it.

Jordan North 0:17:28 Apparently you can make them on an iron pan as well, just as good, but—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:32 But do you do a toastie in the air fryer?

Jordan North 0:17:34 You prob— do you know what? You probably could, but I'm just gonna do it proper in the toastie maker.

William Hanson 0:17:38 'Cause I guess you won't get the griddles and the marks in an air fryer, would you?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:42 They're delicious. Have you got a max crisp setting?

Jordan North 0:17:47 Weren't he a Tory MP? I'm sure Max Crisp was a Tory MP in the '80s. He got done for diddling.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:54 Now, you butter the outside of your bread.

Jordan North 0:18:00 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:01 2 cocktail sticks. Yes. Max Crisp, 5 minutes.

Jordan North 0:18:04 Oh, great. Yeah, you butter the outside of your bread, definitely. But yeah, I'm not the best cooker, but I can, plain and simple, I can make real simple stuff. And I tend to make a lot of brunches. That a lot of breakfast for my tea.

William Hanson 0:18:15 So, what do you think of people who, because they don't like the smell of cooking, have a show kitchen and have built an entire kitchen outside with portable gas rings, outside air fryers, and barbecues? Do you think those people are pathological?

Jordan North 0:18:32 Yeah, I think that's a bit excessive, especially in the winter. Who's got time to be going out in the garden?

William Hanson 0:18:36 Jonathan! Hello!

Jordan North 0:18:39 Okay.

William Hanson 0:18:40 You'll do a whole Sunday morning English breakfast, won't you?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:44 Anything out there.

Jordan North 0:18:45 Really? Easy, Liam.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:46 I just put my big coat on.

Jordan North 0:18:47 Do you not cook in the kitchen at all?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:49 Hardly ever.

Jordan North 0:18:51 Wow. Only when I— Only a Sunday roast?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:53 I— well, I have a big range—

Jordan North 0:18:55 That smells great.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:56 No, no. It does when it's freshly cooking, but the day after, nobody needs that.

Jordan North 0:19:02 Oh, you are very extra.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:03 Yeah.

Jordan North 0:19:04 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:04 No, I prefer to do it outside, and then all the smells outside Bring it in, eat it, job done. Grease, all confined to the garden.

William Hanson 0:19:14 I know.

Jordan North 0:19:14 Your poor neighbours.

William Hanson 0:19:15 No, they love it.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:16 They probably love it.

William Hanson 0:19:17 Oh, tell Jordan about Cecil's fence.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:20 So, my next-door neighbour— I don't know why William finds this so funny— he's in his 90s, and he has an allotment. And we used to have— he changed the fence recently, but we used to have a hole in the fence. It was like that.

William Hanson 0:19:34 Sort of yay pig.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:35 And he would answer— I'd suddenly hear over the fence, Jonathan, do you like a courgette? And I'd say, I do quite like a courgette, actually, Cecil. And he'd feed a courgette through the hole, and I'd take it the other side. And then he'd say, do you like a carrot? And I'd say, yeah. And I'd be fed vegetables through the hole, Cecil's glory hole. But when we replaced the fence, there's no hole now.

Jordan North 0:20:08 So how's he doing?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:09 He throws them over.

Jordan North 0:20:11 Jesus Christ.

William Hanson 0:20:16 Yeah, it's true. Now, obviously, Luxury Podcast started off as a Keeping Up with the Kardashians episode-by-episode guide. Jordan, you do love Keeping Up with the Kardashians. You will sometimes text me with little clips of you watching it. Yes. How many have you seen? Can you quote any?

Jordan North 0:20:29 I've seen, uh, many episodes.

William Hanson 0:20:33 Yeah. What's your favourite bits?

Jordan North 0:20:35 Uh, well, obviously Hyacinth. Richard!

William Hanson 0:20:38 Okay, well, that's in every episode, but you love the cute, cute QE2 episode.

Jordan North 0:20:42 Which I'd missed because I thought I'd watched them all, and then he mentioned this a couple of years ago, and I was like, what? He went, yeah, there's an episode where they're on the QE2, and he came round and we watched it and had a curry.

William Hanson 0:20:52 Um, Jonathan and I went to— we flew out to Dubai, which is where it's years ago, not recently, where the QE2 is moored permanently. It's now a hotel, and we recreated various scenes.

Jordan North 0:21:05 I'd seen and I heard.

William Hanson 0:21:07 Yeah, different times, but yeah.

Jordan North 0:21:09 Yeah. What was— I can do, hello, UK Residence, lady of the house speaking. I can do that.

William Hanson 0:21:16 She lives.

Jordan North 0:21:17 And I'm trying to think of any— What was that boat like? Was it luxury still, or—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:22 It smelled— When were you born?

Jordan North 0:21:25 1990.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:26 Ah. It smelt of the '80s.

William Hanson 0:21:29 Oh, okay.

Jordan North 0:21:30 What did— like cigarettes and all that life there?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:33 Yeah, I just kept saying to William, we were walking around and I just kept saying, this smells like the 1980s. You were never born in the '80s, but it smells— every office, every building just smelt— it was a combination of carpet and cigarette smoke.

Jordan North 0:21:48 Yeah, cigarette smoke gets everywhere, doesn't it?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:50 Everything smelt of that.

Jordan North 0:21:51 Yeah. I would quite like that. Yeah, the smell of the '80s. Have you got a strong heightened sense of smell?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:57 Quite.

Jordan North 0:21:58 Yeah, you'd be, you know, if you weren't good on the radio, you could be another Joe Malone, I reckon.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:03 Really? Yeah, I reckon you should have gone with, uh, special perfume.

Jordan North 0:22:07 Yeah, and candles and stuff. Oh, I want to see that. I've seen a film, he, he, what was it, Colson, it was on Netflix, and he loved the smell of his boyfriend's jock, so he met spray out of it. Halston? Halston, who?

William Hanson 0:22:22 Halston.

Jordan North 0:22:23 Halston, and he's sniffing his husband's jock, and then made a smell out of it. So it was this, and it was like a musky spray that was really popular in the '80s.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:31 What, the smell of testicles?

Jordan North 0:22:33 Yeah, and stuff.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:34 How horrible.

Jordan North 0:22:35 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:36 Nobody likes the smell of testicles.

Jordan North 0:22:38 I mean, there'll be some people that do.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:40 Really?

William Hanson 0:22:42 We've got some questions.

Jordan North 0:22:43 If you have Egyptian goggles, you know, whatever.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:45 What?

Jordan North 0:22:46 Are you allowed to say that these days?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:47 What's that?

Jordan North 0:22:49 Where you put testicles on someone's eye and go, Egyptian goggles. Are you allowed to say that? My mates used to do it in uni. You'd be lying down at a settee, they'd go, Egyptian goggles, and just put the balls on your eyes. Have you never had Egyptian goggles before?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:12 I've never had Egyptian goggles on my eyes.

Jordan North 0:23:14 Can we just don't check that? I think it is a thing, isn't it? It is.

William Hanson 0:23:17 Well, whilst we're checking that, Charlotte would like to know the absolute raw truth on Jordan's thoughts about Jonathan and Jonathan's thoughts about Jordan. How did you first meet? Did I facilitate? What were your first impressions? And is there any jealousy over their mutual relationships with William?

Jordan North 0:23:33 I absolutely love Jonathan. I can't remember the first time we met, but I just remember having a proper laugh. It was through William Hanson, and I just remember us being really giddy. And I remember texting you the day later and saying, I love Jonathan. Where was it where we first met? Was it my 30th? No. No. We'd met before that.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:50 We were both at your 30th, but we didn't meet then.

Jordan North 0:23:53 We had a good— we were sat—

William Hanson 0:23:54 So you hadn't met at that point?

Jordan North 0:23:55 No, no. We were seated next to each other at his wedding as well, weren't we?

William Hanson 0:23:58 Yeah, you were on the same table. That was it. But you had met before then.

Jordan North 0:24:02 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:02 Yes, 'cause you had to tell me off, because I got the giggles.

Jordan North 0:24:05 Oh yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:06 Do you remember?

Jordan North 0:24:07 You got 'em really bad.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:08 I got the really bad giggles. Yeah. And it was when William's father was giving this lovely speech. But it was nothing to do with William's dad. And you leant over and you went, Jonathan, stop it.

Jordan North 0:24:19 For me to say that, it must have been bad. For me to say that. It was really bad.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:24 It must have been.

Jordan North 0:24:25 Well, you weren't that bad. It was a great wedding though. But yeah, I just remember thinking, you are so funny. And I used to play Jonathan's clips out.

William Hanson 0:24:32 Yes, on Radio 1.

Jordan North 0:24:33 On Radio 1 all the time, 'cause he was— you'd send me clips of him.

William Hanson 0:24:36 And you laughing about, um, Cupid's little arrow when you did a photo on Valentine's Day.

Jordan North 0:24:41 Your laugh, uh, when you lose it. So I used to play them out all the time, especially in lockdown when there wasn't really much going on. No offence.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:50 So, he gives with one, he takes with the other.

Jordan North 0:24:52 When did we first meet?

William Hanson 0:24:53 I think it was at Bush Hall when we did the Sexton show.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:57 It was after that show.

William Hanson 0:24:58 We did Sexton's.

Jordan North 0:24:59 You come to all our shows, bless you.

William Hanson 0:25:01 Well, not recently.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:02 No, I would— no, yeah, but that was only because I was away. I would have been there otherwise.

Jordan North 0:25:06 I know.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:07 No, I've always been to your— come to your shows.

William Hanson 0:25:09 You have. You've been there. You helped produce one of the items, the He's Up with the Cock in the Palladium.

Jordan North 0:25:16 Oh yes, he's up with the car.

William Hanson 0:25:18 Jonathan told me which exact jam jingle to recreate.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:21 Yeah, and it didn't disappoint.

Jordan North 0:25:23 No, it did not. It's a great bit. It was.

William Hanson 0:25:26 Question from Levi. You didn't ask when Jonathan—

Jordan North 0:25:28 what was Jonathan's first impressions of me?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:30 Well, it was at Bush House, and I met— what?

William Hanson 0:25:34 Bush Hall.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:35 Bush Hall. Bush Hall.

Jordan North 0:25:37 Does it matter?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:39 It was at Bush Hall. Bush House used to be a BBC building. Did you know that?

William Hanson 0:25:44 I know why you said it. Yes, it's near the Strand.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:46 And yeah, no, I met— met Jordan then, and I thought you were very nice.

Jordan North 0:25:50 Oh, thank you.

William Hanson 0:25:51 There's a photo, actually. We'll put it up.

Jordan North 0:25:53 Oh.

William Hanson 0:25:54 There's a photo of the 3 of us.

Jordan North 0:25:55 Oh, okay.

William Hanson 0:25:57 Levi's got a question for you, Jordan. A picky tea or a barbecue?

Jordan North 0:26:00 Ah. Oh. Oh. Good one.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:02 Good one.

Jordan North 0:26:02 Picky tea any day of the week. But I'm gonna say this, and I've been picking my time for it. I think people are getting a bit fed up with the whole picky tea thing. It's everywhere at the moment. And just let me finish. I started it. It was a big thing I used to do on Radio 1 and on Twitter.

William Hanson 0:26:20 You started it?

Jordan North 0:26:21 Well, I didn't start it, but I like to— I think I brought it to the mainstream.

William Hanson 0:26:24 No, I'm joking.

Jordan North 0:26:26 And now I think everyone, like every supermarket's jumped on it and stuff. But yeah, but I still love a picky tea. It makes me happy, a picky tea. You know, like when you watch Mary Poppins and it makes you happy. Going home knowing I'm gonna have a picky tea, or when someone makes me a picky tea, I'm gonna have it in the garden. It generally— it's nostalgic for me.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:45 My granddad nearly died at a picky tea. Why are you laughing? My granddad nearly died.

Jordan North 0:26:56 He nearly died at a picky tea.

William Hanson 0:26:58 Well, he didn't die.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:59 So, we used to have a picky tea. I don't think we called it a picky tea, but it was a picky tea.

Jordan North 0:27:04 Was it a buffet?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:05 On a— no, no. It's just sitting around a table where we'd have bits.

William Hanson 0:27:08 Was it a cold collation?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:10 It was a cold collation, little bits, maybe some cocktail sausages, a few little sandwiches, and always served with a pot of tea. Always.

Jordan North 0:27:18 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:18 And my granddad choked on a miniature sandwich. Why are you finding this funny?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:25 And what was— He literally— he choked.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:30 William is literally falling about laughing. It's not funny. He nearly died. He got a sandwich stuck in his throat. And we were all, like, smacking him on the back.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:45 And all of a sudden, my mother hit him so hard on the back, and this sandwich flew across, stuck on my grandmother's face.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:58 It's horrible.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:06 It's not funny! Why are you laughing? She had a sandwich stuck— and he would just kind of came back to life. The colour started to come back to his face. But he genuinely nearly died at a pickety.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:18 I don't mean to bring it down.

Jordan North 0:28:21 What was the sandwich?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:22 It was a cucumber sandwich, actually. Oh, okay. Yeah, but properly stuck on his face.

William Hanson 0:28:27 Harpenden.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:27 Of course. You're gonna have a pickety, you've gotta have a cucumber sandwich.

William Hanson 0:28:33 Yeah. Wow. Okay. Well, we are going to— we're just going to take a minute, and we'll be back in part 2, where Jonathan is going to help us answer some modern-day dilemmas.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:40 Oh, wow.

Jordan North 0:31:12 All right, welcome back to the G&Divas and Bucketheads. Or is it the Bouquetheads?

William Hanson 0:31:17 You can say either.

Jordan North 0:31:18 Oh, can you? Yeah, we say Bucketheads. What do the Bucketheads prefer? Bucketheads. The Bucketheads. All right, okay. Uh, now this is a special episode of Help, I Sexted My Luxury Podcast.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:30 Yes. Is that right?

William Hanson 0:31:31 Yep.

Jordan North 0:31:31 Help, I Sexted the Luxury Podcast. Now it's time for Jonathan and the Bucketheads who haven't heard sexted before to help us answer some modern-day dilemmas. Are you ready for— don't read the questions in advance, Jonathan.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:43 Okay.

Jordan North 0:31:44 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:31:44 Well, we've got some sexed listener questions, presumably for you, Jonathan. Georgie has asked if you have an impression of Jordan, since he does one of you.

Speaker G 0:31:51 We have! I shaved it off! Why are you laughing at choking on a sandwich?

Speaker H 0:32:01 Hello, BBC Three Counties! Hi, Jonathan. Yes, I had a little wrinkle. A little wrinkle!

Speaker G 0:32:07 Ow! Ow, little wrinkle!

Jordan North 0:32:12 Here's to being a carpenter!

William Hanson 0:32:13 He's on 3 counters, not capital.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:18 Literally, you launched into that within seconds!

Jordan North 0:32:23 I know what I'm doing now.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:24 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:32:25 Right, off you go.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:26 No, I don't do one of you.

Jordan North 0:32:28 Do you not? No, I don't. William does a good one of me.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:30 What is it? Oh, what?

Jordan North 0:32:33 What the f— I'm not freaking— What the hell? I'm not Jabba the Hutt.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:38 I can only do one northern impression. Go on. Ooh, you mince-teasing bastards.

William Hanson 0:32:45 I thought that was uncanny.

Jordan North 0:32:48 Also, I'm sure that you would not get away with these days. That's a sports selector. Ooh, Patsy, me fanny's letting off a right pong.

Speaker I 0:32:58 My fanny's what?

Jordan North 0:33:02 Letting off a right pong. Ooh. Do you not remember that?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:08 No!

Jordan North 0:33:08 She starts wafting it over.

William Hanson 0:33:10 Oh, oh! Well, we'll crack on. Regan has asked Jonathan to settle the debate. Who is camper out of me or Jordan?

Jordan North 0:33:19 You. Easy.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:21 Oh, camp— Oh, don't play that.

Jordan North 0:33:24 Campers are our pink tents, love.

William Hanson 0:33:27 Is Jordan camp?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:27 He is camp.

Jordan North 0:33:28 I'm not camp.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:30 A bit camp.

Jordan North 0:33:31 I wouldn't say I was camp.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:31 We're all camp.

William Hanson 0:33:32 Yeah. You work in the media, love.

Jordan North 0:33:34 So?

William Hanson 0:33:35 Of course you're camp.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:36 But you're more camp.

Jordan North 0:33:38 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:39 Sorry, was that— sorry, is that not what you wanted me to say?

William Hanson 0:33:43 I think I'm quite butch.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:43 You are not.

William Hanson 0:33:45 Rude. Brian asked, what could Jordan do to be more luxury and executive?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:51 Oh, butch. What's your bladder like? Have you got a good bladder?

Jordan North 0:33:59 It's like an egg cup.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:00 Is it? I knew you would have a little feeble bladder. No, I don't mean to be rude, but you just reek of little bladder.

Jordan North 0:34:10 I do. I'm constantly pissing. I've been for so many tests. That's not like you. I've had so many doctors' fingers up me arse. I constantly—

William Hanson 0:34:20 Some of them at the GPs. But I have a very weak bladder.

Jordan North 0:34:23 Sometimes I'm up twice a night for a wee.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:30 Right. Okay.

Jordan North 0:34:30 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:31 Well, that's not luxury.

Jordan North 0:34:33 Is it not?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:33 No. So, a luxury bladder is a bladder you can hold for hours and hours.

Jordan North 0:34:38 Really? Have you got a strong bladder?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:40 Yes.

Jordan North 0:34:41 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:42 I pride myself on going for hours and hours.

William Hanson 0:34:45 Can you do a whole radio show?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:46 I could, although I don't. Okay. That's the only time I do go, during the news break. But any other time, I kind of— you know when you're quite desperate to go? And I like to think, no, I'm not gonna give in to this.

Jordan North 0:35:01 No, no, no. Surely there'll be many medical professionals that at your age probably wouldn't advise that.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:07 To be fair. To be fair.

William Hanson 0:35:10 How many times do you go during your show?

Jordan North 0:35:13 Oh, at least sometimes one— at least once an hour, sometimes twice an hour.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:17 Twice an hour?

Jordan North 0:35:18 So honestly, I am such a pisser. Yeah, because I'm drinking water and coffee and stuff.

William Hanson 0:35:25 Now, Jonathan has very strong views on people that drink water, don't you, Jonathan?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:28 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:35:30 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:30 Well, yeah.

William Hanson 0:35:31 People drink too much water.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:32 They do.

Jordan North 0:35:33 You can see people particularly like—

William Hanson 0:35:36 look, I mean, look at Izzy there with her tank.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:38 That tank makes me feel sick. I'd like to— and I don't like to be rude, but I'd like to club the young to death with their tanks. Because there is absolutely no— You're not climbing the Sahara. You're sitting here watching a podcast, and she's got a vat of water. A vat. It's absolutely ridiculous. A small little glass to have the occasional sip, just to moisten one's mouth, is all that's necessary. You do not need a tank of water.

Jordan North 0:36:11 Okay.

William Hanson 0:36:12 Water. So to be more luxury—

Jordan North 0:36:14 It makes me sick.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:36:14 It does make me sick.

Jordan North 0:36:15 To be more luxury executive, I need to— A better bladder.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:36:18 Yes. Try and stretch it.

Jordan North 0:36:20 How?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:36:20 Just hold it.

Jordan North 0:36:22 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:36:23 Do you— are you one of those people that if you're leaving the house, you go to the toilet when you leave, and then when you arrive somewhere, maybe 20 minutes later, you go, I need the loo?

Jordan North 0:36:34 Yeah. It's so— it's— I'm thinking it's getting life deliberating now, whatever the word is.

William Hanson 0:36:40 Debilitating.

Jordan North 0:36:40 Debilitating. I do, honestly. And you can't piss anywhere in London. You go into a Costa and you're like, can you piss? Like, no, you must leave, get out. You must not come back here unless you buy. And I can't have Costa coffee because—

William Hanson 0:36:51 It goes right through you.

Jordan North 0:36:53 It runs through me like a vein.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:36:54 My new Labrador, she can hold her bladder for 12 hours.

Jordan North 0:36:58 Oh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:36:59 Now that is luxury.

William Hanson 0:37:01 Should we go on to a dilemma?

Jordan North 0:37:07 Yes. Alright, are you ready for this then, Jonathan?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:37:10 Yes.

William Hanson 0:37:10 Dear William, Jordan, and Jonathan, I'm going over to my friend's house for the evening just to socialise, and I wanted to bring a drink with me as I feel it's the proper thing to do.

William Hanson 0:37:18 I have a very nice bottle of spirits that another friend gave me for my birthday, and I'd like to drink it properly with people, but I haven't had the chance to do that yet. My dilemma is this: I'd like to take this bottle with me, but I also don't want to leave it there. At the same time, I don't want to appear rude by taking a bottle round and then taking it back. So my question is this: what is the proper etiquette for taking a bottle round to a friend's house? Any help would be much appreciated.

William Hanson 0:37:40 Archie.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:37:41 Jonathan. Archie? That is absolutely outrageous. You do not take a bottle round to someone's house that you then try and take back. No. That is unacceptable.

William Hanson 0:37:52 Would you agree?

Jordan North 0:37:52 Yeah, so they want to take it round, but then—

William Hanson 0:37:55 But they don't drink it.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:37:56 Take it back.

Jordan North 0:37:57 If they don't drink it.

William Hanson 0:37:58 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:37:59 That's not what it's for.

Jordan North 0:38:00 No, no, no, no, no.

William Hanson 0:38:00 It's a gift for the host, not for the person.

Jordan North 0:38:02 Yeah, you can't— even if you take it round for you to drink, unless the host says take it. Which I always do when people come round. They always bring gin and stuff, and I'm like, I always say, don't bring it round, I've got loads of stuff in. I have, I've got a big bar.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:38:13 Have you?

Jordan North 0:38:14 Oh, I've got like a big bar of drinks. Gins, vodka, so I don't need any more. But if they bring it, unless it's like— usually if it's a crap one, I'll say, take that back with you.

William Hanson 0:38:22 I think you said that to me.

Jordan North 0:38:24 Yeah. William doesn't have vodka in his house.

William Hanson 0:38:28 No.

Jordan North 0:38:28 What's the etiquette there? As a good host?

William Hanson 0:38:30 He thinks it's bad that when he came round— I thought it was terrible.

Jordan North 0:38:32 I went, I'll have a drink. And he went, alright. I said, would you like a martini? I said, yeah, vodka.

William Hanson 0:38:36 And I said, I don't have that. I only do gin and tonic.

Jordan North 0:38:38 I said, I'll have a Camalaga then.

William Hanson 0:38:40 Don't have that either.

Jordan North 0:38:41 Well, as etiquette expert, what, Grace Host?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:38:44 You should have the basics. You should, you should have lager.

Jordan North 0:38:47 And someone who reads that famous book that all the media nobs have, me included, that's my first rule. You should have the basics: Jack Daniel's, vodka. Even not for you, for your guests. I'm just saying.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:38:59 I don't have vodka. I would, I would always have lager if I had friends. I think you should have vodka in.

Jordan North 0:39:05 Just a bottle of Smirnoff.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:39:07 I have got— when I was in Argentina last, they sell in the pharmacy 90%— it's just called alcohol. Would that do?

Jordan North 0:39:17 I don't think you can drink that, can you?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:39:20 I don't— well, if you dilute it with enough Coke, you wouldn't know.

Jordan North 0:39:23 I don't think you can drink that. I think that's for medical purposes.

William Hanson 0:39:26 Yeah. Well, medical or cleaning or— Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:39:29 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:39:29 Okay. Final dilemma comes from anonymous. Hello, William, Jordan, and Jonathan. I'm writing to you with a dilemma. My partner and I have always had a very adventurous for a sex life and have recently got into the lifestyle. For those unaware, it's swinging.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:39:42 Ah.

William Hanson 0:39:43 There is a very popular website for those involved in this lifestyle, and you can search for profiles near you. Imagine my shock horror when, whilst browsing the site, I saw someone with tattoos that I recognised, and in said photo, they are in a, let's say, compromising position with another person. Important to note that on this website, you can see the people who have viewed your profile. With this in mind, and to limit any potential awkwardness, I didn't view the profile and scrolled past it.

William Hanson 0:40:08 I thought nothing it until a few days later I was going through photos on my phone and saw a photo from a few years back of myself and my dad on holiday. My dad is shirtless in the photo, and if you hadn't already guessed where this is going, yes, the tattoos were on show.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:40:21 Oh.

William Hanson 0:40:21 The same tattoos I saw in the profile on the site. My parents split when I was young and he hasn't had a relationship since. I was absolutely mortified and have no idea what to do. So I guess my dilemma is this, what do I do and how do I approach the situation? I'm pretty sure he hasn't viewed my partner and my profile. However, I'm scared he may come across this. It's obviously not something I want to discuss with my father. However, I don't know what to do. Any advice you can give would be much appreciated. Love the podcast. Thank you for all the laughs over the years.

Jordan North 0:40:48 Well, first and foremost, don't shag them. No. 'Cause that would be— Illegal. Illegal. Just to clear that up.

William Hanson 0:40:55 Yeah.

Jordan North 0:40:55 But second thing, maybe block them or hide them from seeing your profile. I'd block them if you can. I don't know what website this is.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:41:02 I don't really understand.

Jordan North 0:41:04 So there's—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:41:04 Is the father a swinger?

Jordan North 0:41:05 Yeah, or on this swinging profile to meet—

William Hanson 0:41:08 It's in the family.

Jordan North 0:41:09 To other couples, to meet other couples.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:41:10 Ah. So I'd block the profile.

Jordan North 0:41:13 and just say nothing of it.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:41:14 Ah.

Jordan North 0:41:14 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:41:15 I've been to a swinger's house.

Jordan North 0:41:17 Why does that not surprise me and surprise— What, were you— Did you give swinging a dabble, or…?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:41:25 No, so I live not too far from Radlett. Are you aware of Radlett?

Jordan North 0:41:31 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:41:32 So Radlett is a— It's a town just outside Borum Wood.

Jordan North 0:41:37 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:41:37 Between Borum Wood and St Albans.

Jordan North 0:41:39 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:41:40 And it's known as one of the swinging capitals of the UK.

Jordan North 0:41:43 Wow, okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:41:44 And there's a swingers' house. So I went there for a tour of the house.

William Hanson 0:41:48 For radio?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:41:49 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:41:49 Just— that's the key bit of this story that you haven't— you've left out.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:41:52 And I ended up in a dungeon on a sex sling. So, I've been to a— It's on YouTube. Yeah, yeah, it's all available.

Jordan North 0:42:02 He was on a sex sling.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:42:04 Yes.

Jordan North 0:42:05 Are they not called swings? Or is it a sling?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:42:07 Well, it was a swing. But it had ankle clamps.

William Hanson 0:42:13 So available on YouTube.

Jordan North 0:42:16 What, the Uncle Club?

William Hanson 0:42:17 No, the video of Jonathan at the—

Jordan North 0:42:19 Is it too now? Like, they have pompous grass, but apparently it's an upside down—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:42:23 Pompous grass. We would if we were swingers, but we're not.

Jordan North 0:42:26 Apparently it's an upside down pineapple now.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:42:29 Is it?

Jordan North 0:42:30 Yeah, so it's either pineapple-like badge upside down or an upside down pineapple in a shopping trolley or something.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:42:35 Is it?

Jordan North 0:42:35 I don't know what else to say.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:42:36 No.

William Hanson 0:42:37 He's giving us the thumb up.

Jordan North 0:42:39 Or you just go onto certain websites and be like, yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:42:43 I didn't enjoy the experience.

Jordan North 0:42:45 Of swings?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:42:46 Of being in the house where it all goes on.

Jordan North 0:42:49 Why? I bet that's— What was that smell like, as someone with a strong sense of smell?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:42:53 Pleather. There was a strong smell of pleather. And chlorine.

Jordan North 0:43:07 Oh, yes.

William Hanson 0:43:08 Leather and chlorine. They had a pool?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:43:09 Oh yeah. And lube.

Jordan North 0:43:11 The smell of lube. Was that— no?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:43:13 What does that smell of, Jordan?

Jordan North 0:43:15 A bit like Pledge.

William Hanson 0:43:16 Pledge?

Speaker I 0:43:18 Pledge.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:43:19 Mr. Sheen.

Jordan North 0:43:21 No.

William Hanson 0:43:21 No. Pledge. Cloves, isn't it?

Jordan North 0:43:25 What?

William Hanson 0:43:27 Lube can occasionally smell of cloves.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:43:30 Cloves? No.

Jordan North 0:43:32 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:43:34 No, no, not the old Liquid Silk.

William Hanson 0:43:36 Anyway, shall we wrap this up?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:43:50 Yeah, I think we should.

William Hanson 0:43:53 Well, thank you for listening.

Jordan North 0:43:56 Thank you so much. I thoroughly enjoyed this, boys. Yes. So thank you. Thank you for letting it happen. And I hope the Gene Divas and the Bucketheads have as well. It's, it's been long overdue. It's been like a bit of swinging, and I've enjoyed it. Wow. It has, it has. Uh, remember, if you want to get in touch with us on Help I Sexed My Boss with a dilemma or problem, drop into our DMs or send us an email to help@sexedmyboss.com.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:44:16 And if you have something on your mind that needs a luxury touch, postman@luxurypodcast.co.uk is the place for your queries and your questions.

William Hanson 0:44:27 Now we all have to say goodbye at the same time. That's what we do on Luxury. Ready?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:44:31 But for now, Goodbye!