Bare Legs and Unluxury Moments

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:11 Hello and welcome back to the show. Welcome to The Luxury Podcast. My name's Jonathan Vernon-Smith, and with me is William Hanson. This is the podcast that helps you live a more luxury life.

William Hanson 0:02:30 Hello, Jonathan and I are here to help you create the everyday moments of luxury that make life worth living, whatever your budget.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:36 So welcome to— and I can't wait to get into this— welcome to another luxury bonus episode of The Luxury Podcast. So many luxuries. William and I, of course, will trade tips and stories from our own luxury lifestyles, as well as delving into our lovely great big male sex. Now, William, can we just address the elephant in the room?

William Hanson 0:03:00 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:00 Why have you got your legs out?

William Hanson 0:03:02 Well, so at time of recording, it's a very hot week, and I've also come fresh off the back of rehearsals for Titanic. Have I told you I'm gonna do Titanic?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:12 Here we go with his new friends. Do they appreciate you wearing shorts, do they?

William Hanson 0:03:18 They're all in shorts.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:19 Right.

William Hanson 0:03:19 Basically, bar one.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:21 I think it's very unprofessional that you've come to a luxury podcast recording dressed like a postman.

William Hanson 0:03:28 Well, you said it looks like I'm in my PE kit.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:31 It does look like you're in your PE kit.

William Hanson 0:03:33 Because I'm in a navy polo and navy linen shorts.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:39 I'm loving the polo.

William Hanson 0:03:40 Thank you, sir.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:41 You can't go wrong with a manly polo.

William Hanson 0:03:42 No, and this— you don't get manlier than this.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:44 It's very manly.

William Hanson 0:03:45 Thank you.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:46 Quite a big collar.

William Hanson 0:03:46 Yeah, poofy collar.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:48 Poofy, isn't it? It's poofy.

William Hanson 0:03:49 It is.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:50 Aren't you, aren't you poofy? But your legs, what's going on with your legs?

William Hanson 0:03:54 Well, I'm hiding them for those watching on our Luxury Members Club.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:57 Show them, show them your legs.

William Hanson 0:03:59 Do you want to do some music?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:13 Wow.

William Hanson 0:04:13 Put my foot on the table.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:14 You did.

William Hanson 0:04:15 Yeah. Yeah, I've got my long—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:18 You've got Skechers on, haven't you?

William Hanson 0:04:19 They're not Skechers.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:20 Are they not slippins? My dad, they look like my dad's slippins. They do?

William Hanson 0:04:28 I've got a pair of those. These are the Fraser shoes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:33 And they're not slippins?

William Hanson 0:04:36 Well, you do slip into them, but—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:42 We need to do a whole episode on slip-in shoes. Can it ever be luxury to wear shoes you don't need to lace up because they're fake? Oh God.

William Hanson 0:04:53 No, but it's been very hot, and I mean, I have got a change of clothes over there, and I will later on slip into those.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:04 Well, thank goodness. Why couldn't you have slipped into them before I arrived?

William Hanson 0:05:07 Because I thought I'd get some good content out of this. Well, you've definitely done that.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:10 I mean, I've come with my My, um—

William Hanson 0:05:12 oh, did I spill that water? Was that what I did?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:16 Oh, what did you—

Sadie Willoughby 0:05:19 When you banged your foot on the table just then.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:21 That you've created a big damp patch my end.

William Hanson 0:05:25 But my water remained fine.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:32 Oh, William.

William Hanson 0:05:33 Or has your glass got a leak?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:34 Trust you to give me a damp patch.

William Hanson 0:05:38 Sorry, and I, after I steamed this tablecloth so beautifully.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:40 I mean, Bucketheads, you think we're making this up. It's been chaos since I arrived today. It has, yes.

William Hanson 0:05:50 Yeah, uh, but no, I'm in shorts because of rehearsals. But I would, I do agree with you, shorts in the workplace, unprofessional.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:56 Very unprofessional.

William Hanson 0:05:57 Um, but my workplace was a 30-degree rehearsal studio in Fulham, and, you know, I was dancing. I was, well, ish. moving around, and so I needed to sort of be free. Well, but if I was doing any other job, including this one normally, or my proper job of teaching etiquette, I would not be wearing shorts.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:16 Well, you'll be delighted to hear, Bucketheads, I'm wearing caramel action slacks for a better class of podcast host.

William Hanson 0:06:24 And a lovely green manly polo.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:29 I am, yes, yes. This is one of my faves. Charles— Yeah, I can see it.

William Hanson 0:06:34 What? Charles what?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:35 Anyway. Oh, William, I'm so excited to see you. I'm so excited to see you. I've got news.

William Hanson 0:06:50 Talk to me. I think our news— my news might be the same as your news.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:54 Are you— Well, I don't have news. Are you—

William Hanson 0:06:57 But I have questions off the back of your news.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:59 Are you— hang on a minute. Are you about to destroy my news? I'm not gonna destroy your news. You are going to poop on my news! I should have known you'd do this! Oh!

William Hanson 0:07:10 I'll let you have your moment.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:12 I feel as if you are about to ruin my moment. I want you to be the first to know. I want you to be the first to know. Mm-hmm. Don't ruin my moment!

William Hanson 0:07:50 I'm not! I haven't said anything!

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:53 You're looking at me with a face that says you know what I'm about to say. And I find that very irritating. I want you to be the first to know. Hmm. I'm being air-conditioned in the bedroom by a team of professionals.

William Hanson 0:08:29 That's very exciting.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:29 I need aircon now, I'm so hot!

William Hanson 0:08:31 Well, I didn't see that coming.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:34 I'm being air-conditioned in the bedroom by a team of professionals.

William Hanson 0:08:38 Just the bedroom?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:39 Just the bedroom. Oh, here we go. Here we go.

William Hanson 0:08:44 No, no, no. I have not even contacted any firms. We are yet to— Oh! No. But what I thought— 'Cause rumours had reached me that you were considering air conditioning. You did a whole phone-in about it. And I thought, what I'll do is I'll let Jonathan do the legwork and find the good supplier, and then I'll ask—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:00 You'll piggyback off the back of it!

William Hanson 0:09:02 Yeah. We share plumbers, and now we can share air conditioning people. We do. Now, how much are we talking for— 'cause I would probably have more than just the bedroom done, because my study, Is it hot? I'm not spending a lot of time there at the moment because I'm otherwise engaged, but that's just as well. But even the kitchen area I would consider, but I need someone to come around and recce because what I don't want is I don't want some ugly great big unit, you know, attached to the house out the front anyway.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:37 Oh no, no, it won't be out the front. It won't be allowed to be out the front.

William Hanson 0:09:40 Because where— because yours is— because your bedroom's at the front, isn't it?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:44 Yes.

William Hanson 0:09:45 So where are you having your unit?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:46 So the unit will be at the side of the house. You can't have air conditioning units facing the street.

William Hanson 0:09:52 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:53 We have standards in this country. It's not a shantytown. It's not a favela. So, you have to have your air conditioning unit at the side of the house.

William Hanson 0:10:03 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:04 Or at the back.

William Hanson 0:10:04 Yeah, I don't— well, we have— where our sort of the extension is, where they put, you know, the— whatever the—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:11 The bifold doors.

William Hanson 0:10:12 Yeah, the bifold doors, etc. It's not a full width because it's a pitched roof. And so there is a side there. I don't know how much space it needs.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:21 About a metre of clearance from— uh, no, no, probably not from there, but you need a metre from your house to the boundary edge.

William Hanson 0:10:34 I don't know. When you come around for the intergenerational—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:38 Am I gonna have to bring my tape measure?

William Hanson 0:10:40 No, no, no, no, because I've got But come round for the intergeneration, I'll take you around the back and we can have a look.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:45 Oh, okay.

William Hanson 0:10:45 See where the unit goes. Okay. We'll do that when conversation dries up.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:52 Have you got room above your bifolds on the back wall?

William Hanson 0:11:01 What, the sky?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:03 No, on the back wall of your house.

William Hanson 0:11:06 Yeah. Oh, but there's nothing else attached to it.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:09 Right. So you could potentially have it there?

William Hanson 0:11:11 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:11 Okay.

William Hanson 0:11:12 Yeah, yeah. Oh, I think we've got, you know, we've got space. But where— going back to your house, if your bedroom's at the front—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:19 I can't believe my big news, my exciting news within seconds has become advising you on how to have air conditioning.

William Hanson 0:11:27 And that's why we're going back to you.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:30 But where—

William Hanson 0:11:30 but so the unit's out the back.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:32 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:11:33 or down the side. But surely it needs a pipe?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:36 Yes.

William Hanson 0:11:36 So, where's that pipe going?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:38 On the outside of the house. So, they will connect— so, if you're having multiple rooms, you will need a big inverter. You'll need a luxury—

William Hanson 0:11:50 What's an inverter?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:51 Huge inverter for a better class of premises. And then they will connect all of the rooms via a pipe, you see, to it. And do you see that pipe in the room? Not in the room, no. Outside the house.

William Hanson 0:12:03 Oh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:04 So, they run it around the outside of the house, you see.

William Hanson 0:12:06 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:06 And up into the room. So, all the wiring and the ducting and everything is outside, not inside.

William Hanson 0:12:11 Oh, so fine. So, I don't have to— because I sort of thought they would be for anyone, houses like British houses where they have not already put this in when they're building the houses, you'd have to have sort of things knocked through and—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:22 No, hopefully not. No.

William Hanson 0:12:24 Hopefully not.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:25 No. Well, I can't quite think how yours would go, but I'll have a look.

William Hanson 0:12:30 Well, if you're happy with your service.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:33 Well, I was going to say, so Saturday is apparently the day.

William Hanson 0:12:36 That's really quick.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:38 Yes.

William Hanson 0:12:39 Okay, so my other school of thought with air conditioning is, because I've said to Mikey, I said, I think we should have it, but why don't we wait until the winter when demand is lower?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:50 I don't think it makes any difference.

William Hanson 0:12:51 Oh, okay, fine.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:52 No. So, um, I, I have found— I, I mean, it has been a busy— so, for just to put this in context, because by the time this episode goes out, the weather might be very different, but in the UK recently, we've had a bit of a heat wave.

William Hanson 0:13:05 Scorcher.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:06 It's been very hot, and so the entire country has decided to have air conditioning fitted.

William Hanson 0:13:11 Which is why I thought it'd be better to wait until, you know, yeah, um, Christmas.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:15 However, all of the chaps that I've had out to survey my bedroom in depth.

William Hanson 0:13:22 And there have been quite a few.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:24 They have all made the comment that in their industry, you know, you have to make hay while the sun shines.

William Hanson 0:13:30 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:30 So, they just go for it.

William Hanson 0:13:32 And is it a timely process? I mean, how long is it going to take to—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:36 It all depends. Most of the companies said a few weeks, but the company— What, to install it? Yes.

William Hanson 0:13:43 What, it takes a whole couple of weeks to install?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:45 No, no, no, no, no. Oh, from saying the get-go. So, my installation is very easy, very straightforward. They've said half a day for 2 highly qualified professionals to and above British standards.

William Hanson 0:13:57 Lovely.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:57 Um, for your— what you're talking about, if you're talking about 2 or 3 rooms, potentially more, then I think you are talking potentially a couple of days.

William Hanson 0:14:06 Right.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:06 Okay, okay, just so you know. And obviously your installation sounds as if it's going to be considerably— of course it is— considerably more executive than mine.

William Hanson 0:14:16 Yeah, yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:17 Mine is just in the bedroom because the rest of my house, uh, is quite cool actually.

William Hanson 0:14:22 Oh, is it? Okay, fine.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:24 Well, the other bedroom at the front is very hot.

William Hanson 0:14:26 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:26 But no one ever stays in there. No. Apart from you and Mikey from the— from years ago.

William Hanson 0:14:31 Years ago. Well, we just won't come over at this time of year.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:32 We'll make sure that we only invite you when it's not a heatwave.

William Hanson 0:14:35 Or you can sleep in there and we'll sleep in your room.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:38 It's unlikely.

William Hanson 0:14:40 Oh, okay, fine.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:41 Um, but the rest of the house is nice and cool, so there's no need for it.

William Hanson 0:14:44 Fine. Yes, yeah, well. Okay, and how spenny are we talking?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:51 Well, so this is— is this as—

William Hanson 0:14:52 because I think it might be like, you know, £10,000 plus.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:54 Well, I don't know, because you clearly have very extravagant ideas. Um, I hadn't realised that there are all these different brands of air conditioning.

William Hanson 0:15:05 Oh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:06 And, um, some of them are good, some of them apparently are awful.

William Hanson 0:15:10 Oh, yeah. What are the better ones?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:12 I'm not going to say on air. Oh, right. Not unless they pay us to sponsor the podcast. Oh yeah, that's true. If any of the better class of air conditioning units wish to sponsor us, that's entirely up to them.

William Hanson 0:15:23 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:24 Um, but there are better ones and there are less good ones. But I would say for one bedroom, if it's a straightforward install, uh, the price range you're looking at is probably in in Hertfordshire, and it may be different in different parts of the country, and indeed around the world, I'm sure it's very different.

William Hanson 0:15:45 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:46 But in my part of Hertfordshire, you're looking at between £1,600 and £2,000, I would say. Mhm. For—

William Hanson 0:15:56 and that includes the big fanny thing?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:58 Yeah. So, actually, it's for everything.

William Hanson 0:16:00 You only have one fanny thing, basically. As I said it, you only have one fan thing. For one property?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:13 Well, it depends.

William Hanson 0:16:15 Oh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:17 Your idea— so, if you're already thinking, I want it in 3 rooms, they'd put a big fanny in there for you. Mine is just going to be a small fanny. So, should I wish to upgrade, upgrade, I'd need to add more fannies?

William Hanson 0:16:33 We'd expand your fanny.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:41 I might have to have multiple Fannies. Fannies from wall to wall.

William Hanson 0:16:47 They've always said that about your house. It's wall-to-wall Fanny. Talk of the postcode. Oh yeah. Lovely. Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:01 But yeah, so a lot of it depends on which make you go for. Who's coming up next?

William Hanson 0:17:05 You've obviously gone for the most executive.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:07 I have gone for the most executive. But I want it—

William Hanson 0:17:09 I want Arctic, and I presume you do as well.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:11 Well, most of them only go down, so the minimum they go down to is 16 degrees. Some of them only go down to 18 degrees, but that's perfectly cool enough with air conditioning. But what you want is you want the ones that have heating as well.

William Hanson 0:17:28 Oh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:28 Because if you have the ones that have heating, They're VAT-free, you see, in the United Kingdom. That's what you want.

William Hanson 0:17:36 Ah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:36 Oh, I've learned an awful lot.

William Hanson 0:17:39 Excellent. Well, when you come around, we'll talk about this in a minute for the intergenerational.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:44 We just have to take a little moment whilst we'll leave the guests, and we will survey your property to see where you can have your pipes in.

William Hanson 0:17:52 Whilst we're waiting for the sausage to brown.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:54 And your fanny.

William Hanson 0:17:55 Lovely. Good. Talking of the intergenerational.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:00 Oh yeah.

William Hanson 0:18:01 Let me show you this.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:03 Oh.

William Hanson 0:18:06 Showing Jonathan the barbecue.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:09 Oh, isn't that devilish?

William Hanson 0:18:12 Dave the gay handyman came around the other day and erected that for us.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:16 Dave the gay handyman?

William Hanson 0:18:18 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:19 He's gay?

William Hanson 0:18:19 He is gay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:20 And he's a handyman?

William Hanson 0:18:22 Yes, I know.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:23 No wonder the handles on your cupboard are lopsided.

William Hanson 0:18:25 Oh, don't you start! Mikey picked up on that.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:30 He went, look at your wonky handles.

William Hanson 0:18:32 Yeah, well.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:32 How gay. Oh, isn't it smart?

William Hanson 0:18:42 Yes, unused. But I have filled up my wood smoker box with the pellets in advance.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:48 Have you got a gas tank?

William Hanson 0:18:49 Yep. In fact, I've got 2, and apparently Dave said that'll basically see us out.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:53 No, they don't last as long as you'd think, actually. Oh, really? No. Um, I find one, one a season.

William Hanson 0:18:59 Right, okay. Um, well, I've got 2.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:03 But that's fine.

William Hanson 0:19:04 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:04 Um, oh, oh, it's very smart.

William Hanson 0:19:07 Yes, it is.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:08 I can't wait.

William Hanson 0:19:09 I can't wait. To do the once-over. Yeah. Um, so I need to read the instructions, and actually, because I'm now being told I don't need to, rehearse on the Saturday.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:17 I'm surplus to requirements. You are.

William Hanson 0:19:20 I've obviously been told I don't need to rehearse because I'm like really, really good. That's obviously— Of course.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:24 Would you like me to still kind of observe, observe and point out one or two problems if they're occurring?

William Hanson 0:19:30 Oh yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:31 Or do you want me to keep my mouth shut?

William Hanson 0:19:32 Oh no, I would imagine that this is going to be a committee barbecue. I would imagine. It might be how many homosexuals does the church have?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:39 A whole load of interfering busybodies. Cook a sausage, yes.

William Hanson 0:19:42 I— although I can already rank those in level of who's going to interfere the most.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:46 Right.

William Hanson 0:19:47 Yeah, well, you're quite high up on that list.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:49 The bar was set very high last weekend. I went to Sarah and Tim's. Oh yes. For a barbecue.

William Hanson 0:19:55 Lovely Sarah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:55 And it was fantastic.

William Hanson 0:19:58 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:58 Beautiful array of salads. Oh, lovely. Absolutely lovely salads. Yes.

William Hanson 0:20:03 Yes, I actually might now do— I might be able to do my own salad now, because obviously Luke's doing the slaw.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:08 Of course he is.

William Hanson 0:20:09 Yeah, yeah. Mike is doing the wedges.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:11 Crunchy with not too much mayo, please. Yeah.

William Hanson 0:20:13 I've got— we got all the meat last weekend, frozen it. Although ironically, I could have gone to get it fresh this week, but whatever. The chicken skewers from the butcher's. I sent you a picture of them.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:25 The infamous chicken skewers.

William Hanson 0:20:27 The Greek Passion chicken skewers, they're called. Greek with 3 Es. Yeah, but the Greek Passion chicken skewers. I'm not quite sure what Greek Passion is. I've just holidayed in Athens. But anyway. We'll find out on Saturday.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:42 I can't wait. I'm unnaturally excited.

William Hanson 0:20:45 It's going to be very good and very, very boozy.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:48 I think it will be. Yep. Yes, I will have the ibuprofen on the bedside cabinet.

William Hanson 0:20:53 Yes, for the non-drinkers, it might drag the evening.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:55 Do you reckon?

William Hanson 0:20:57 Yeah, but never mind.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:59 I can't wait.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:33 Welcome back, Bucketheads. We're going to read your questions now, so let's dive into our heaving bags of post. Do remember, if there's something on your mind that needs a luxury touch, postman@luxurypodcast.co.uk is the place for your queries and your questions.

William Hanson 0:24:02 This first one is from James. It's a long one.

William Hanson 0:24:05 It is a long one. Dear William and Jonathan, following from your discussion in a recent bonus about wanting to have a smoke cloak installed in your homes, I think— I thought I might embellish your ears with an unusual story regarding said device. I used to work for a rather large and cheap pub chain in the north. One busy weekend, an ageing female customer who had had one too many sherries took herself to the lavatory to do whatever it is ladies do and fell asleep in the cubicle. I'm not sure if she was with anyone, as when closing time came, no one knew she was there.

William Hanson 0:24:34 The manager at the time, clearly wanting to get home, didn't adequately check the facilities, and thus didn't notice her, set the alarm, and locked up. Later in the evening, this poor old woman awoke from her cubicle coma to an empty pub. In doing so, triggering the alarm and setting off the smoke cloak. As you would expect, the pub quickly filled with dense smoke, rendering vision beyond a metre or so practically impossible. Down the street, one of the closing staff members heard the rather loud alarm while having a drink in a nearby pub, And came to see what the commotion was and was greeted by the old woman who had somehow managed to find her way to the front door.

William Hanson 0:25:06 I assume from muscle memory.

William Hanson 0:25:10 And was banging on the locked door, shouting for help to get out. Needless to say, a manager was quickly called to unlock the pub and let her out, as well as the fire brigade, who are required to remove the smoke from the premises after a smoke cloak is triggered. I can confidently say that they are a remarkable tool to help hide valuables. However, on this occasion, it seemed a locked front door had more of an effect. than a smoke cloak.

William Hanson 0:25:32 Love the podcast. In kind regards, James, a not-quite-superior Silver member.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:35 Oh.

William Hanson 0:25:36 Well, we'll allow you anyway.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:37 Are you— have you been in touch with the alarm company yet, Jim?

William Hanson 0:25:41 They are coming out for our service and to recce us for what additional things could happen next week.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:50 Okay. Are you having your perimeter secured?

William Hanson 0:25:53 Potentially. I'm actually not going to be there. Very sadly, Mike is in charge.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:59 Mike is in charge of security?

William Hanson 0:26:01 Temporarily.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:02 He will make sure you've had your perimeter secured. I do hope so. Yeah, I do hope so.

William Hanson 0:26:07 It turns out they had emailed about the alarm service, but it had gone into our junk. Oh. So, yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:13 I can't believe you've got to have it serviced already. You've only just had it. But when did you have it put in?

William Hanson 0:26:17 October.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:18 Oh, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Every 6 months.

William Hanson 0:26:20 Yeah, yeah. I think we're behind.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:22 Right.

William Hanson 0:26:23 Anyway, it's booked in.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:25 Don't worry, they'll look after you. By the way, Stephen's been in touch. Oh yeah. He says, dear William and Jonathan, thanks for your wonderful podcast. It makes me giggle like a lunatic, though in a luxury way, of course.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:37 I have a question for you both. Obviously you are both impeccable role models when it comes— why is producer Sadie giggling when I say that? Obviously you are both impeccable role models when it comes to luxury and sophistication, but we all have our moments when we fail to live up to expectations. I'd be very interested to know what, in your opinion, is the most common, or should I say the least luxury thing you've ever done. Oh my word.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:05 I feel that by sharing this with listeners, you may reassure us that you are in fact human and are not totally luxurious 24/7. So, has William ever picked his nose?

William Hanson 0:27:18 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:19 Has Jonathan answered the door in his M&S underwear while scratching his lovely great big male sack?

William Hanson 0:27:25 Yeah, we've all been there.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:28 Have either of you ever been to Lewisham?

William Hanson 0:27:32 No, I mean, don't be stupid.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:33 Podcast listeners want to know. All the best, Stephen. Oh, I once, when I was at university, Yes. Now, I should point out I'd had quite a lot of wine. I stripped to my underwear and I ran the length and breadth of the halls of residence wearing only my pants.

William Hanson 0:27:58 Wow.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:59 I think that might be the most common thing I've ever done.

William Hanson 0:28:02 Why were you doing that?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:03 I was very drunk and I thought it was quite funny.

William Hanson 0:28:05 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:06 And at the time, I would have been 20, maybe 19.

William Hanson 0:28:11 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:13 Killer body. What? What?

Sadie Willoughby 0:28:15 Like Brian Felipe.

William Hanson 0:28:17 Shut your face. It's more like killer whale.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:20 6-pack. Mm-hmm. I used to have a 6-pack. Did you? Yes, I did. Don't be so surprised. No, I'm not surprised. When I was young, I had a— I did. I had a 6-pack.

William Hanson 0:28:35 Did you?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:35 Yeah, I did. So, I think I had a 6-pack at that time, and I did run the length and breadth of the halls of residence in just my Did you go to the gym to get your six-pack, or did it naturally happen? No, naturally.

William Hanson 0:28:46 Really? Can you have— and this is not— I'm not asking this with any agenda— can you naturally have a six-pack? I thought you have to like work out.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:53 Or laugh a lot.

William Hanson 0:28:54 Oh, oh, that'll be why for me.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:58 Sadly, over the six-pack now is a one-pack of fat. Underneath is a 6-pack, desperate to get out.

William Hanson 0:29:18 It's 6-pack aspirational.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:21 That's the most common thing I think I've done. That's common, isn't it? Common.

William Hanson 0:29:26 Yes. Yes. Silly.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:28 Silly Billy. What have you done that's common?

William Hanson 0:29:36 I don't know if I'm gonna— I should admit this.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:39 Go on.

William Hanson 0:29:40 It happened last weekend.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:42 Are you— this is— you are so going through some kind of crisis. What have you done now? What have you done now? Oh, I'll tell you.

William Hanson 0:29:50 I'll tell you where I've gone wrong.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:51 Right.

William Hanson 0:29:51 And I have learnt why I've gone wrong.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:54 Because you didn't let your hair down when you were young.

William Hanson 0:29:56 Well, yeah. But so, Went out for a couple of—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:01 My wet patches expand!

William Hanson 0:30:03 Well, that's not me, 'cause my leg has not come on the table.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:05 Why is this— why is my wet patch getting bigger?

William Hanson 0:30:10 Age. Pond courses.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:19 Sorry, what— so what did you do last weekend?

William Hanson 0:30:23 So I went out for dinner. Couple of martinis first. Then 3 of us shared a bottle of wine.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:31 Oh.

William Hanson 0:30:32 Very nice. Then one— Just one? Just one bottle of wine.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:35 Okay.

William Hanson 0:30:36 Yeah, exactly.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:37 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:30:38 One of our party peeled off, then went and met some other friends. So there were 4 of us. I then had another martini. Then we went to another place. and I had another martini.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:53 Right.

William Hanson 0:30:54 I think I then might have had then another martini. Now, what I forget is martini, very, very strong.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:01 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:31:01 Whereas what most people do, if they're, you know, in it for the long run, is they have— Pace yourself. Beers, gin and tonic.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:08 Have you ever heard the expression session ale?

William Hanson 0:31:11 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:12 A session ale?

William Hanson 0:31:13 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:13 No? Producer Sadie Willoughby.

Sadie Willoughby 0:31:15 Yeah, of course. I'm well acquainted with a session ale.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:17 A session ale is designed for a session.

William Hanson 0:31:20 Right. Well, I don't like ale.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:21 No, but you need to find your session drink because martinis— That's not it. No.

William Hanson 0:31:27 Anyway.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:28 Right.

William Hanson 0:31:29 I was not very well in the taxi again.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:34 Oh no! What was happening?

William Hanson 0:31:38 There was no dancer, but I did have a white cotton handkerchief that I had to bin in a bin at the Westway.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:43 Hang on a minute. You threw up in a handkerchief in a taxi.

William Hanson 0:31:48 Yeah, and then he pulled over and I disposed of it in the Westway, and we continued.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:52 William, you are going to end up in the Daily Mail for the wrong reasons.

William Hanson 0:32:00 Are there right reasons to be in the Daily Mail? Yeah, that was not very good.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:08 Oh, William.

William Hanson 0:32:09 It took me 2 days until I admitted that to my husband.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:12 Oh, William. Well, you are— but what I love about you is you're having a crisis and we're all there to witness it. When I did my silly things, there was no social media and no podcasts, so I got away with it.

William Hanson 0:32:28 Yeah, no, I'm not. But I'm owning it. Yeah. Yeah, it's fine.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:31 Which is the best way.

William Hanson 0:32:33 Yes! It's what everyone else did.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:35 Quite. You're just 20 years later to it.

William Hanson 0:32:38 Exactly. Just what happened before and what happens next.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:42 Well, Daniel's been in touch, Willy.

William Hanson 0:32:43 Oh yes, he says, Dear Mr. Hanson, Mr. Vernon-Smith, as someone just finishing medical school in Scotland and about to begin employment as a first-year resident doctor, what are your opinions on the clothing you would expect a luxury doctor to wear? Unfortunately, due to infection control regulations, we are not allowed to wear anything bare below the elbow, and ties are forbidden.

William Hanson 0:33:02 Many doctors today simply wear hospital-issued scrubs, and while there are some high-quality executive brands of scrubs available, I feel wearing something more formal, such as a shirt and chinos, would look far more professional. I would be interested to hear your opinion on this sartorial matter. Kind regards, Daniel. If you're going to wear a shirt, please don't wear a short-sleeve shirt. I don't like them.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:22 I think I might know who this Daniel is, one of our podcast listeners.

William Hanson 0:33:27 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:28 And I, if it's the same Dan— Daniel, then I have seen him with a photo wearing a shirt and chinos.

William Hanson 0:33:35 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:35 And I think that is a very— I mean, I think the stethoscope just gives the finishing je ne sais quoi.

William Hanson 0:33:41 Right, yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:42 But, um, I think chinos and a manly shirt are all you need.

William Hanson 0:33:47 And if you're having your sleeves rolled up because you have to for medical regulations, above the elbow, yeah, uh, is good, obviously. And also, regardless of whether medical regulations or not, but please not a short sleeve shirt.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:57 No, no.

William Hanson 0:33:58 Very old man-ish.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:59 No one under 60 should wear a short Even over 60, I wouldn't recommend that. Okay. Well, if you're—

William Hanson 0:34:06 you could get away with it, but other than that—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:12 but yeah. How about a cravat?

William Hanson 0:34:16 Well, if ties aren't allowed, I don't think cravats will be. Although a cravat would tuck in.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:23 Yes, you'd tuck it in and give it a little poof. I think that would give— that would just say you're the doctor above other doctors.

William Hanson 0:34:29 Yes. Here I am, Daniel.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:32 Doctor about town.

William Hanson 0:34:34 Yeah, I think that— yes, something— and crisp. And also, good quality chino. A nicely fitting chino.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:42 And a nice shoe.

William Hanson 0:34:43 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:44 Wear a quality shoe.

William Hanson 0:34:45 Don't wear a Croc.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:46 If you came into my ward with manly chinos, a smart shirt, and a cravat, I'd say, oh, Doctor.

William Hanson 0:35:02 I'm trying to suddenly feel a little queer.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:04 Oh, I think—

William Hanson 0:35:10 I hope that helps, Daniel.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:11 I think we've given enough, William.

William Hanson 0:35:13 We have.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:13 I need to lie down. Yes. We will of course be back next Wednesday, but until then, goodbye!