Birthdays

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:01:41 Hello and welcome to the Luxury Podcast. My name's Jonathan Vernon-Smith, and with me is William Hanson. This is the podcast that helps you live a more luxury life.

William Hanson 0:02:02 Hello, Jonathan and I are here to help you create the everyday moments of luxury that make life worth living, whatever your budget.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:08 In each episode of The Luxury Podcast, William and I will tackle an area of life that we think you should upgrade, sorting the ornslows from the hyacinths, advising the nation in gracious living. So, William, what are we going to talk about today? about today?

William Hanson 0:02:21 We're going to talk about birthdays. Oh yes, it's neither of our birthdays, but

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:27 yours is sooner than mine.

William Hanson 0:02:29 It is 2nd of September. Yeah, it's fast approaching. Yours, 13th of November.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:33 14th.

William Hanson 0:02:33 Yep, one year out. And, uh, close.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:37 One day out.

William Hanson 0:02:38 I know, but Ken Bruce is one year out. Popmaster.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:42 What?

William Hanson 0:02:43 Popmaster, one year out.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:45 One year out.

William Hanson 0:02:45 Yes, you know, when they do whatever game they play, and then they get the year. He goes, oh, one year out.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:51 Yeah. No, but it's 14th of November.

William Hanson 0:02:53 I don't

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:55 know. What's he talking about?

Speaker A 0:02:56 I got it.

William Hanson 0:02:56 Did you? Thank you.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:58 I didn't get it. Why does he say one year out if it's the day?

William Hanson 0:03:02 No, but no.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:02 Oh, okay.

William Hanson 0:03:04 Losing the will to live. All right. Not going to make another birthday.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:07 14th of November, same as the King, and you should remember that.

William Hanson 0:03:10 I know, and I always think he is the 13th.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:13 No, we're both 14th.

William Hanson 0:03:15 Both 14th. I'm sorry, should we do an edit? 14th of November.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:17 14th, yes it is. Yes, dotted in one. Yes it is. Thank you so much for remembering.

William Hanson 0:03:22 Do you enjoy birthdays?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:23 Um, not my own.

William Hanson 0:03:27 Yes, well, there's always someone.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:28 What do you mean when you're doing that little giggle? Are you suggesting that I shouldn't? 'Cause I'm 46.

William Hanson 0:03:35 I'm suggesting you should. Make the most of them, Jonathan.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:38 Every day's a blessing.

William Hanson 0:03:42 Not many left.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:43 The thing is, I'm probably well over halfway through my life.

William Hanson 0:03:51 Oh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:52 Isn't that sad? Isn't that sad that one day I won't be sitting here? I'll be dead. Well, I'm pleased you can laugh.

William Hanson 0:04:08 Could you cling on until at least I've paid off my mortgage?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:11 Yes.

William Hanson 0:04:14 Ditto.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:18 Yeah. Okay.

William Hanson 0:04:21 No, no, in all seriousness, do you like— we'll go— we'll regress to childhood in a minute, but as an adult, do you enjoy birthdays?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:28 Uh, not really. No, no, I don't. I don't really get it.

William Hanson 0:04:33 You work, don't you? You just go to work.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:34 Yeah, I find, uh, and I think we've said this before, that I find people who are very self-indulgent about their own birthdays. Um, I just find it very common. I think your birthday is something, you know, it's a little milestone. You should acknowledge it privately behind closed doors.

William Hanson 0:04:53 Yep.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:54 There's no need to make a big brouhaha over it.

William Hanson 0:04:57 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:57 You know, get on. And these people who say, oh, I'm taking my— the day off work because it's my birthday, I just think, how naff. How naff.

William Hanson 0:05:10 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:11 I quite agree. Do you agree? Yeah. Do you? I mean, I did go to Fuerteventura for my birthday last year, but—

William Hanson 0:05:16 You had the whole week off.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:17 Yes. It's when you have one.

William Hanson 0:05:19 I just wanted to be there.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:19 Yeah. Yeah. And I didn't do anything for my birthday when I was on holiday.

William Hanson 0:05:23 You're not? No? No. Stick a candle in something?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:25 No. No? Nothing. No, no. I'm not— I'm genuinely not bothered about my birthday.

William Hanson 0:05:31 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:32 I mean, I did— do you remember my, my luxury 40th?

William Hanson 0:05:35 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:36 Vicar Tom who will never let me forget it, arranged for, uh, an outdoors-indoors luxury barbecue with finger buffet.

William Hanson 0:05:43 In the pub.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:44 In the local pub. And it was a surprise party, and I didn't know.

William Hanson 0:05:47 I was so tense.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:48 And when I arrived and I could just see foliage, I thought, oh, what's going on here? And then, of course, you all

William Hanson 0:05:57 emerged.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:58 Everyone burst out from behind the bushes. Surprise! And that was lovely.

William Hanson 0:06:03 Little stagger backwards.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:04 Yeah, that was very nice. Yeah, yeah.

William Hanson 0:06:05 Yeah, that was nice.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:06 I'm still paying for that, by the way.

William Hanson 0:06:08 Oh, are you? Oh, what? Because you drank quite a lot?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:12 Yes. I got left with quite a big bill for my surprise birthday party.

William Hanson 0:06:18 Well, that was a surprise.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:20 It was, yes.

William Hanson 0:06:25 Hang on, so the vicar—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:26 Here we go.

William Hanson 0:06:29 Arranged a party for you.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:31 Yes.

William Hanson 0:06:32 And then gave you the bill.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:33 No, the vicar didn't. The pub did.

William Hanson 0:06:36 Why can't the pub give the vicar the bill?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:42 'Cause apparently it was my birthday, so I got the bill.

William Hanson 0:06:47 No, you see, and I don't like this. And also not— I mean, I don't really work in offices, but where it's your birthday, so you have to bring something in for the rest of the team.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:55 I refuse.

William Hanson 0:06:56 Yeah, that's what I'd say.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:56 I refuse. It's my birthday, you buy me stuff.

William Hanson 0:06:58 Exactly.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:58 You know, end of story. Yeah.

William Hanson 0:07:00 But then that also means that then you have to buy everyone else stuff on their birthdays, so I can maybe—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:04 Well, I do.

William Hanson 0:07:04 Oh, do you?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:05 Well, not you. I mean, we don't do birthdays, do we?

William Hanson 0:07:08 No, no, no.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:09 You and I?

William Hanson 0:07:09 No,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:10 no,

William Hanson 0:07:10 no.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:10 What do you mean, not anymore? No,

William Hanson 0:07:15 we don't. No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:17 Well, do you know what?

William Hanson 0:07:18 Because just being your friend is present enough.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:20 Oh yeah, here we go. We're— you're going to be in Frigiliana shortly after your birthday.

William Hanson 0:07:26 Potentially.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:28 What do you mean potentially? Are you having second thoughts?

William Hanson 0:07:30 See what other work comes in.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:32 Well, I was going to take you down the Mercadona on a shopping spree for your birthday.

William Hanson 0:07:36 Oh! Yeah. Oh, can I do a supermarket sweep?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:39 Yes, you can fill the trolley with Mercadona cleaning products, and I'll buy them for you for your birthday.

William Hanson 0:07:45 Excellent.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:46 How does that sound? Lovely. Yeah? Okay.

William Hanson 0:07:48 Perfect. And is Mercadona the top-rated supermarket?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:53 I would say, yeah.

William Hanson 0:07:54 Is it the Waitrose?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:55 I, um, I don't know really, because I don't live there, but I think so.

William Hanson 0:08:00 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:00 There's Eroski. That's quite posh as well.

William Hanson 0:08:03 Okay. Is there one near you?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:05 There's a— there's an Eroski not too far. Okay. Do you want me to take you to Eroski?

William Hanson 0:08:08 I'd like to see a range of— particularly the upper range.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:11 You are just my dream holiday companion, because you just want to do the same things I want to do. Go to supermarkets. I mean, you're not interested in culture, are you? Museums?

William Hanson 0:08:21 No, don't be stupid.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:22 No, take me up the Mercadona, that's what you say.

William Hanson 0:08:24 Yes. And I'll take you up the Oroski.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:30 I could lose you in the Oroski. It's big.

William Hanson 0:08:45 There's a joke about getting lost up the Meatal, but we'll—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:48 Oh yeah, it's got a big Meatal. And I can take you down Dear.

William Hanson 0:08:54 Oh?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:55 Do you want to go down Dear?

William Hanson 0:08:56 All right, Dear. What's

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:58 Dear? Dear is the— it's kind of the lower—

William Hanson 0:09:04 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:04 No, no, no, don't say no.

William Hanson 0:09:07 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:07 You are such a snob. You're such a snob.

William Hanson 0:09:11 Jonathan, have you looked in the mirror?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:13 I like deer, because that's where I get my tulipán negro.

William Hanson 0:09:18 What the dickens is that?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:23 Rodrigo will know. What's tulipán negro, Rodrigo? No idea. Black tulip.

William Hanson 0:09:34 That was quite aggressive. Black tulip! Well, he speaks Spanish. Oh,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:38 the Borehamwood in you came out there. Yeah.

William Hanson 0:09:39 Tulipán negro.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:42 Oh, Tulipan Negro.

William Hanson 0:09:44 But what is Black Tulip?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:45 Black Tulip is a brand.

William Hanson 0:09:47 Of what?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:47 Shampoo, a cologne. Oh, they do a lovely cologne.

William Hanson 0:09:52 I thought you were a crème person. You like crude.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:56 What?

William Hanson 0:09:57 I thought you spritzed yourself with crude.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:58 Crude? Yeah.

William Hanson 0:10:00 No,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:00 I don't spritz myself with crude in bed. Do I?

William Hanson 0:10:04 Oh,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:05 you'll slap the Tulipan Negro on before bed? On anyone.

William Hanson 0:10:11 Well, lucky old anyone.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:16 Yeah, yeah. No, I'll do it. No, I'll take you up Deer as well.

William Hanson 0:10:19 Okay, fine.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:20 We'll just do that when we do our coastal drive. I'm taking you on a coastal drive. Have I told you?

William Hanson 0:10:26 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:26 Yes, I'm going to take you.

William Hanson 0:10:28 You have so changed your tune from, oh, you're spending all your time with me, are you? Oh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:33 No, but

William Hanson 0:10:35 to, now I'm taking you on the coastal drive

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:37 and I didn't ever intend to not take you to these places. Okay. I just didn't appreciate you being needy.

William Hanson 0:10:43 Fine.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:51 I've got a plan for every waking minute for you.

William Hanson 0:10:54 Okay, well, that all sounds lovely. Yeah. Back to birthdays.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:58 Back to birthdays.

William Hanson 0:10:59 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:59 Well, I will take you— I could take— you could do a trolley dash anywhere.

William Hanson 0:11:04 Okay, but Mercadona.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:05 Mercadona.

William Hanson 0:11:06 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:06 Lidl.

William Hanson 0:11:07 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:08 Aldi.

William Hanson 0:11:09 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:09 Carrefour.

William Hanson 0:11:10 Yeah, all right.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:11 Eroski.

William Hanson 0:11:12 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:12 Deere. Oh.

William Hanson 0:11:14 We've got 3 options there, or I could just trolley dash in all 3.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:17 I love the way you've never even been to a Deere and you've already just dismissed it.

William Hanson 0:11:21 Well, you said it's from the lower range.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:24 It is. It's more of the— I would say Deere is kind of the— it's the Co-op

William Hanson 0:11:30 Right.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:30 It's the Co-op of Spain.

William Hanson 0:11:31 How are we spelling it? D-I-A?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:32 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:11:33 And does it mean day?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:34 Yes, it does, William. Yeah, yeah.

William Hanson 0:11:36 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:36 Yeah. I like it. A bit fishy. When you go in there, there's a bit of a fishy smell.

William Hanson 0:11:42 Well—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:42 Because they've got a lot of fish. But if you overlook the fish and get your nostrils around a tulipán negro, you're fine.

William Hanson 0:11:57 Do you ask— I know you don't celebrate birthdays at work, really. Do you— now, Christmas cards, we know that you hate.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:02 Hate them.

William Hanson 0:12:03 Birthday cards, do you have a similar attitude?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:06 Yeah, they're quite annoying, aren't they?

William Hanson 0:12:07 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:08 Open them, throw them away. Yeah. Happy birthday. Oh, lovely, thanks very much. In the bin. Yeah. Well, what do you do with your birthday cards?

William Hanson 0:12:15 Display them.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:16 Oh, you don't?

William Hanson 0:12:17 For about a week, 7 to 10 days.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:19 Right. On the bookshelf. You display your birthday cards? Yes. Oh yeah. Do you get, um, my late grandmother, she used to buy me awful birthday cards, wordy ones. To my greatest, beautiful grandson on his birthday, this special day. And she'd say, oh, I went around several card shops until I could find that one with the right words.

William Hanson 0:12:40 So, I can't stand— one of the— one thing that I absolutely cannot stand is sincere birthday cards.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:46 Oh, yeah.

William Hanson 0:12:46 I think they've got to be funny.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:48 Yes.

William Hanson 0:12:49 Funny or pretty. They can just be, you know, a pretty picture or something. That's fine.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:53 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:12:53 But sincere, cards with, you're the most special grandson in the world. Yeah. No,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:02 no,

William Hanson 0:13:02 can't stand it.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:03 No, I'm with

William Hanson 0:13:04 you. Do a funny joke.

William Hanson 0:13:05 My uncle and I give each other— we try to find the most offensive cards throughout the year to send to each other. And the one I sent him this year— I think next year's— I bought it the other day, I don't have it with me, I can't remember what it says, but it— oh yeah, that's it. Last year's card had— it was like a bedroom window, like nighttime sky with windows open looking stars, and it says, look at the stars. It's Coldplay. Look at the stars, look how they shine for you.

William Hanson 0:13:31 And the stars just spelt out fuck.

William Hanson 0:13:43 And then next year's card I bought him the other day, I think, you know the hygiene ratings you have of 1 to 5 with the green thing? It says that, and it's a slight fucker rating, and it's a 5.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:54 William, what's going on with you?

William Hanson 0:13:55 No, I've always done that.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:57 But really?

William Hanson 0:13:58 Yeah,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:58 yeah, yeah. Oh, okay.

William Hanson 0:13:59 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:00 Oh, that's good. Well, no, I agree with you.

William Hanson 0:14:01 I think they've got to— that's a funny birthday card. You've got to sort of— and I think it's very British.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:06 Yes.

William Hanson 0:14:07 Make them feel awful on their birthday.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:09 Yes, exactly. You know, slap them on their birthday.

William Hanson 0:14:13 Yeah,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:13 that's how you want it.

William Hanson 0:14:14 I know a friend of a friend said that he once gave their father a birthday card that was sort of jokey, and the father was really, really offended.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:24 Really?

William Hanson 0:14:25 Was like, no, you send a proper birthday card with absolute sincere words.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:29 Oh God.

William Hanson 0:14:30 Please.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:31 I know, nauseating.

William Hanson 0:14:32 Lighten up.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:33 Quite.

William Hanson 0:14:35 You've got to be fun. But no, okay, I like birthday cards, you don't. Do you think it's acceptable? And you know, we both work in the media.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:41 Yes, we do.

William Hanson 0:14:42 To lie about your age?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:47 Well, I, I, I've never lied about my age. I just—

William Hanson 0:14:51 How could you? I— So easy.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:55 I just never used to speak about my age.

William Hanson 0:14:58 True, because people always think you're older.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:00 And I'll tell you why. Because if there's one thing I cannot stand, in all seriousness, I can't stand when people don't take me seriously. I know that may take you by surprise. Shut your face. No, but You know what I mean?

William Hanson 0:15:14 I do know what you mean.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:14 I hated being young because I hated the fact that people just dismissed you because you're young.

William Hanson 0:15:21 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:22 I can't stand that. So when I was young, I didn't ever tell my, my age because I didn't want my age to ever be used against me. Oh, he's only saying that because he's 25 or whatever. I never talked about my age. Now I'm kind of in my 40s. I feel as if I'm at an age where I'm not so ancient that I want to keep it quiet, but I'm also not too young that I want to keep it quiet either. So, I'm quite proud of my age now. I love being 46. I would say my— the best decade is the '30s.

William Hanson 0:15:54 Well, and this is advice that I have taken great pride recently in passing down to my friends in their 20s, because you had said it to me when you were in your 30s and I was in my 20s.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:02 It's true, isn't it?

William Hanson 0:16:03 You said, wait until you get into your 30s, A, they're a really good decade, but also people will start taking you more seriously because you just go—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:12 Love how you actually listen to things I say. Oh, I do. You're one of the few people that actually takes any notice of what I say.

William Hanson 0:16:18 Oh,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:19 thanks.

William Hanson 0:16:19 No, because you said, like, you know, when you say to someone, oh, I'm 24, they go, oh

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:24 yeah, kid.

William Hanson 0:16:24 Yeah. Whereas when you go, I'm 32, they go, right, and just move on.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:29 Yeah,

William Hanson 0:16:30 it's not a thing.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:31 But you're still young enough in your 30s that that it doesn't hurt every time you move. Whereas when you then hit 40, you can't read anything, you can't sit down without making noise, uh, you can't put your shoes on anymore. You've got to wear your Frasier Crane slip-ons, not because of design but because of necessity. There are all kinds of things that happen after the age of 40, and you think, oh no,

William Hanson 0:16:59 okay,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:00 it's all downhill from here.

William Hanson 0:17:02 Right.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:02 Dreadful.

William Hanson 0:17:03 Now, as a child, what did you do to celebrate your birthday? Did you ever have birthday parties?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:09 Yes. The McDonald's train at Luton.

William Hanson 0:17:13 A train?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:14 In the branch of McDonald's in the Luton Arndale Centre, they had a train, and you could have your birthday in McDonald's, and the birthday boy or girl got a tour of the kitchen. Have you ever had a— Why are you laughing?

Speaker A 0:17:34 It just sounds so out of character.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:37 You got a tour of the kitchen for your birthday, and you could take one friend. That was always an interesting moment. Look at them all jostling for my attention. Who am I going to take? Who's going to get to see the chips in the fryer?

William Hanson 0:17:51 And who did?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:53 Well, it normally caused a bit of a bit of chaos, actually.

William Hanson 0:17:57 Political. You should have just taken your brother, and then that would have been—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:00 I don't think my brother was there.

William Hanson 0:18:01 Oh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:02 No, he was too young.

William Hanson 0:18:03 Oh, okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:04 No, I wouldn't want my brother there.

William Hanson 0:18:05 Probably put him in the fryer, knowing you.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:07 Cramping the style. Yeah. Yeah. So, I would say the, the Luton— I did Laser Quest.

William Hanson 0:18:13 I did Laser Quest. Or in Bristol, we had Quasar.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:16 Quasar?

William Hanson 0:18:17 Quasar.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:18 Okay. Yeah. So, we had Laser Quest birthdays. Oh, and of course, children's entertainers.

William Hanson 0:18:25 Tricky

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:26 Mickey. And you know my friend Ernie?

William Hanson 0:18:29 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:30 So you know Ernie was the UK's leading children's entertainer.

William Hanson 0:18:34 I believe he entertained royalty.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:35 He did. He— so my friend Ernie, he did, uh, William and Harry's birthday parties growing up. And there was one, one time he did the disco for William's 13th birthday. And, uh, I think it was his 13th birthday. Anyway, it was a birthday for William, and he did the disco, and Charles and Diana did a dance.

William Hanson 0:18:55 together. Oh, that's nice.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:58 Yeah. Um, but yeah, he, he did all of those, and he did some of our parties as well, Ernie.

William Hanson 0:19:04 Gosh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:04 Yeah,

William Hanson 0:19:05 yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:05 Smarty Arty.

William Hanson 0:19:06 Was that his name? No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:08 Well, there is— so Smarty Arty was the, uh, the company that Ernie owned.

William Hanson 0:19:12 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:13 He was one of the Smarty Artys.

William Hanson 0:19:15 Oh, I see.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:15 He was Smarty Arty number 2. There were an array, and I think—

William Hanson 0:19:18 Surely if he owns the company, he should be Smarty Arty number 1.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:21 No, because Arty was

William Hanson 0:19:23 Oh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:24 Who was the guy that started the company and then sold the company to Ernie.

William Hanson 0:19:27 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:28 Ernie had become number 2, so Ernie ran it as, as Smarty Arty. And Smarty Arty, I think, is still, still around.

William Hanson 0:19:35 Oh, really?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:36 It's without Ernie now, but, um, Smarty Arty is still around. Yeah.

William Hanson 0:19:39 I had Magical Mandy, who was the magician.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:42 Oh, how woke.

William Hanson 0:19:47 How is that woke?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:48 Magical Mandy.

William Hanson 0:19:50 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:51 What did Magical Mandy do?

William Hanson 0:19:54 Sought my father in half.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:55 She did like a proper magic act?

William Hanson 0:20:03 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:03 Wow. Yeah,

William Hanson 0:20:04 in the barn.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:05 Did she?

William Hanson 0:20:06 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:07 Have I ever told you about that time Ernie tried to cut my head off?

William Hanson 0:20:10 Was this part of Smarty Arty's act?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:14 No, when we did that live show and he brought his guillotine on stage. Oh God. And, um, Before he, he got me to put my head through the guillotine, he tested out the, uh, machine on a cabbage, and the blade got jammed in the cabbage. He was trying to wrestle the blade out of this cabbage, and then when he finally pried it apart, he went, now put your head in there.

William Hanson 0:20:48 And that wasn't a bit.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:59 So, Magical Mandy cut your dad's head off?

William Hanson 0:21:01 Yeah. No, no, no, no, no, no. No, cut him in half.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:04 Oh, cut him in half. Or something. Oh, cut his torso in half.

William Hanson 0:21:06 Yeah, something like that.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:07 She was the Jeffrey Dahmer of Bristol.

William Hanson 0:21:10 We've got it filmed.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:15 It is filmed. You shouldn't laugh. No, you shouldn't.

William Hanson 0:21:18 That's not right. So funny. Serial killer. Yeah. Oh! There's the phone. It was probably the magic circle.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:36 Oh dear.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:40 Welcome back, Bucketheads! We've been discussing birthdays, amongst other things, and it's now time for your questions. So, shall we check out our heaving bags of post?

William Hanson 0:24:07 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:08 Do remember, if there's something on your mind that needs a luxury touch, postman@luxurypodcast.co.uk is the place for your queries and your questions.

William Hanson 0:24:16 This first one is from Tracy. Hiya. Hiya, William and JVS.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:21 Hiya!

William Hanson 0:24:23 Hiya!

William Hanson 0:24:23 Very casual. As a professional singer, I've performed at more birthday functions than I care to remember. But what do you think about this situation? I was asked to perform at a surprise birthday party which the birthday girl actually organised. I had several planning meetings with her which also included the caterer, decorator, DJ, cake maker, and function manager of the luxury venue.

William Hanson 0:24:41 She was across every detail, a monstrous Type A who needed to control things down to the last second. She sent invitations as though they were from her husband. 150 guests and every single one thought it was a surprise. Watching him walk her in on the night to a packed room and witnessing her Oscar-winning performance, For me? All this is for me?

William Hanson 0:24:59 Was priceless. What do you make of this, gentlemen? Have you ever sussed out a surprise birthday gift or event and had to fake it? Thanks for all the laughs. I mean, that's horrid behaviour.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:09 That is dreadful. I've often thought that people were putting on a surprise birthday party for me, only to discover they weren't. Tragic. Yeah. There have been a couple of occasions where I've been invited somewhere on or around my birthday, and I thought, I bet when I arrive, they're all going to burst out. And I've turned up, and there's been one person there.

William Hanson 0:25:38 Do you know what I'm going to do this year for your birthday?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:44 What are you going to do?

William Hanson 0:25:45 Actually, we should do this for a Bonus or Patreon members club. I'm going to take you for a tour of the McDonald's kitchen.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:53 Oh God. My 47th birthday.

William Hanson 0:25:57 Yes, back to where it all started.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:59 Yeah, quite. Oh, Jake's been in touch, William.

William Hanson 0:26:02 Oh yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:02 Jake says, I once went into my office on a regular workday only to be greeted to the surprise of birthday banners, a buffet, And a bottle of wine from several—

William Hanson 0:26:15 Do you want to pick up on that?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:16 What?

William Hanson 0:26:17 Buffet.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:18 Oh, William. And a bottle of wine from several colleagues at my desk. This was one of the nicest work birthday experiences I'd ever received. The only problem was my birthday was a full month away, so they were a bit premature. Being a good sport, I went along with it. What? You weirdo. But it did cause confusion when they inevitably saw social media posts from my wife the following month. I told them she'd been late with her posts and had just put them up late. What would have been the most polite and good-mannered way to break the news to them? says Jake. I find that a bit odd, Jake.

William Hanson 0:27:02 I mean, they've obviously got— no, but I get Jake's motivation. He's obviously seen they've gone to some effort, and he's thought, I don't want to rain on their parade. So, I would have gone along with it, and then at the end said, this has been so lovely. I am so honoured that you have done this. You all mean so much to me, but hilariously—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:21 You're a month early.

William Hanson 0:27:23 You're a month early. Everyone has a bit of a laugh about it, and then you go, right, when we get to my actual birthday, you don't need to do anything. We've done it.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:31 We've done it early.

William Hanson 0:27:32 I've loved it so much. I'll never forget this. What a story. And leave it at that. Not then— not then throw your wife under the bus and go, oh, what an unca— your wife looks really uncaring now to your colleagues because you're going, Oh yeah, she was a month too late posting about my birthday. It's the same as— I'm sure I've talked about this before. There was one year, a couple of years ago, I had 2 separate friends, completely friends that didn't know each other, who would text me on the 1st of September going, happy birthday for tomorrow. I was like, well, just text me tomorrow. What are you doing tomorrow? You're going to space?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:08 They didn't want to forget.

William Hanson 0:28:11 Yeah. And I think I responded to the second one. I was like, thanks so much, whilst writing Happy Christmas. Someone—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:19 what? You know how you always text me on the 13th of November?

William Hanson 0:28:22 Do I? I'm sure you're in for the 14th.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:28 I always play along. Happy birthday, Jonathan. Hope you're having a lovely day. Thanks, William. I will.

William Hanson 0:28:38 Oh, that's September. No wonder you're not in. No. Hold on, I'm just checking.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:42 You are? Are you?

William Hanson 0:28:43 No, you're in for the 14th.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:44 There you go.

William Hanson 0:28:45 Yeah, no idea why I'm texting you on the 13th then.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:47 You're not really. I'm winding you up here, Wally.

William Hanson 0:28:50 No, but I panicked.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:51 Because you keep saying 13th.

William Hanson 0:28:53 I know.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:54 Yeah. Don't worry, William.

William Hanson 0:28:56 You don't care, are you?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:57 I literally don't care. No. I do not care.

William Hanson 0:29:00 Rhys with 2 Es has said, is it common for adults to still have themed birthday parties? Yes. Yes, move on.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:07 Depends what the theme is, I guess. No, it doesn't. No.

William Hanson 0:29:12 I mean, if you did like black tie, that's fine. If you have a dress code and you just go, oh, we're doing a dinner.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:17 Cocktail attire.

William Hanson 0:29:18 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:18 Cocktails on the quarterdeck,

William Hanson 0:29:20 absolutely fine. But if it's, you know, slaps and bickers or something— Oh, no.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:25 Common.

William Hanson 0:29:25 Yeah, not doing that.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:26 No.

William Hanson 0:29:26 Mutton dressed as lamb.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:28 No. No one needs that.

William Hanson 0:29:30 No. uh, froze. I mean, God, if you're doing— and this is coming from me.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:34 Here, here though, hang on a minute, hang on. If, if I said to you, William, it's your birthday and I've organised a birthday party, I'm not telling you where, but the theme is Keeping Up Appearances.

William Hanson 0:29:50 Oh, that would be fine. And we're going to go to the Binley Woods.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:53 We then arrived at Binley Woods. No, to Wainey Elm.

William Hanson 0:29:57 Love it.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:57 Where Rose and Tony have opened the house to us, and we're having a soiree in Rose and Tony's house, in Hyacinth's house.

William Hanson 0:30:04 And I'll keep toasting backs.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:05 Would you love that?

William Hanson 0:30:06 Yeah, I would. That would be fine, because I think then themes become so ironic they become okay. Yeah, that's where it becomes fun.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:16 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:30:17 I'm going to a birthday soiree tomorrow night, actually.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:19 Are you?

William Hanson 0:30:19 No theme, I don't think. If there is, I won't be going.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:21 What, you would refuse to go?

William Hanson 0:30:24 Yeah, I don't go to fancy dress.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:25 Neither do I.

William Hanson 0:30:26 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:26 I can't stand it. I think fancy dress is so rude.

William Hanson 0:30:30 It is.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:31 I think it's such a rude concept.

William Hanson 0:30:33 You have to spend all this money getting some outfit you're going to wear once. It's bad for—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:38 Hello. Hello. I think my life's really funny, so I'm going to organise a fancy dress party because I'm so funny. Uh, so come to my party because I'm so funny, and you've now got to go to all this effort in coming up with some costume to wear to my funny birthday party that probably won't be funny.

William Hanson 0:30:59 That you'll wear once and then throw it away.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:01 I'm not going to your funny birthday party.

William Hanson 0:31:03 And it'll go into landfill.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:04 No. If you want me to come, I will come in slacks and a manly polo. End of story. And maybe a stethoscope. Dr. JVS is in the house.

William Hanson 0:31:18 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:20 That's the most appropriate fancy dress I could go in.

William Hanson 0:31:22 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:23 Unless it was a Keeping Up Appearances fancy dress party.

William Hanson 0:31:25 In which case—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:26 Then we'd make the effort.

William Hanson 0:31:27 A-line dresses and hats.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:30 Because of course, I've already got the costumes in the loft.

William Hanson 0:31:32 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:33 Yes, you do. My curry takeaway outfit, as I like to call it. Yeah. Oh, Bromley's been in touch, William.

William Hanson 0:31:40 Oh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:40 Bromley.

William Hanson 0:31:41 Bromley.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:42 Oh, lovely. Bromley says, I'd love some advice on how to bring different friendship groups together. at a birthday party so everyone feels comfortable, included, and able to get along? Now, you are the expert on this.

William Hanson 0:31:57 Yep. I stand by the fact if you have all nice friends and you like them all, they will get along because what they do have in common, even if they don't on paper have absolutely in common, they have you in common.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:10 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:32:10 So, they can start by talking about you. And if, you know, you only should be friends with nice people, don't make friends with not nice people.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:17 But what you're very good at is introducing the people at a soirée where you're blending different groups together. You're very good at introducing the appropriate person to the appropriate person.

William Hanson 0:32:31 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:31 Oh, Jonathan, you must meet my friend. And then, and then you'll kind of set up the conversation so that, uh, the 2 people have something in common to then talk about. So, it's not one of those awkward kind of, what do you do? Oh, I'm an accountant. You think, oh, God.

William Hanson 0:32:47 Yeah,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:47 you know, you've already set it up. Oh, you must meet Steve. He's an accountant and loves keeping up appearances. And you would do something like that. So then the conversation becomes about keeping up appearances rather than the fact Steve's an accountant.

William Hanson 0:33:01 Exactly.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:01 Because I wouldn't be interested in that. I wouldn't.

William Hanson 0:33:04 I'm also quite— and I say this to everyone— if you know that X person has a particularly good killer story,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:11 yes,

William Hanson 0:33:12 get them to do the story.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:13 Yes. Steve, wait till you hear Jonathan's story about what happened when he just stripped to his pants and ran around the university.

William Hanson 0:33:20 With his six-pack.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:21 With his— why are you doing— why are you doing inverted commas?

William Hanson 0:33:26 Well, no, no, no, it was, you know, whatever it was.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:28 It was a six-pack, William. I had a six-pack. Why are you so dismissive?

William Hanson 0:33:42 No, no, no, I'm sure you did.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:43 You don't think I had at all, did you?

William Hanson 0:33:48 It's maybe, um—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:49 What was going on with my grammar there? No, I did, I did, I did, I promise you.

William Hanson 0:33:55 Now, I'm so excited for our bonus episode tomorrow.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:00 Oh, I am.

William Hanson 0:34:01 Because we are speaking to one of Britain's, if not the world's, most luxury voices.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:07 The most luxury voice, I think, in the United Kingdom.

William Hanson 0:34:10 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:10 For a man. Oh. Oh yeah. I mean, I think obviously there are luxury female voices.

William Hanson 0:34:17 Like?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:18 But when it comes— oh well, there's quite a few. Jane Copeland.

William Hanson 0:34:23 She'll be with us next week.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:28 Do you know Jane Copeland?

William Hanson 0:34:31 Do I?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:32 Do you remember? Well, this will only This will only mean anything to slightly older Bucketheads, but do you remember when EE, the mobile phone network, used to be Orange?

William Hanson 0:34:43 Oh yes, I was Orange.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:44 If I was to say this, welcome to Orange Answerphone.

William Hanson 0:34:48 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:48 That was Jen Copeland. Oh, okay, fine. Yeah,

William Hanson 0:34:51 that's a nice voice.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:54 Yeah, she had a lovely voice. Yeah, so we will be meeting the voice of the balls.

William Hanson 0:34:58 Voice of Strictly.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:59 The voice of Strictly. Dancing with the Stars in America.

William Hanson 0:35:03 Deadly from—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:04 Deadly Alankote.

William Hanson 0:35:06 From Radio 2.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:07 Alan Dedicoat, former head of continuity at Radio 2 from the BBC,

William Hanson 0:35:13 will be with us tomorrow. And he's also going to stay around for a special episode on our Luxury Members Club, which you can sign up for at any time. There are lots of different tiers that you can sign up for.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:22 Yeah,

William Hanson 0:35:22 whether you can get video episodes, extra content, little posts, messages from us.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:27 And I warn you, William. Yes? He's a scream.

William Hanson 0:35:32 Well, however will he fit in?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:33 He's a scream. Until then, I think we'll leave it there for now.

William Hanson 0:35:37 Yes, go on.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:38 But we will see you tomorrow for our Luxury Bonus. Until then, goodbye!