Thirsty Lawns and Heterosexual Keys

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:09 Hello and welcome to The Luxury Podcast. My name's Jonathan Vernon-Smith, and with me is This is William Hanson. This is the podcast that helps you live a more luxury life.

William Hanson 0:02:28 Hello, Jonathan and I are here to help you create the everyday moments of luxury that make life worth living, whatever your budget.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:33 So welcome to another bonus episode of The Luxury Podcast, where William and I will trade tips and stories from our own luxury lifestyle, as well as delving into our lovely, great big, overflowing, capacious mail sacks. So William, how's your week been?

William Hanson 0:02:48 It's been all right actually. At time of recording, it's my final week in Titanic. But by the time this goes out, I'll be gone.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:54 Right.

William Hanson 0:02:55 Poof, and I'm gone.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:56 Poof, piff-paff-puff.

William Hanson 0:02:58 Indeed.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:59 Off he goes.

William Hanson 0:02:59 Uh, I did have a dodgy penultimate week, I'll be honest, because I had cast leaving drinks on the Thursday for me. Got in at 3 AM.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:08 Of course you did.

William Hanson 0:03:09 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:10 Because you're reliving your youth.

William Hanson 0:03:11 Well, not reliving it, living it.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:13 For the first time. Didn't have it the first time. Yes.

William Hanson 0:03:17 Then I saw some friends who came for to the show for a drink afterwards on the Friday night. So, I was home at half midnight. Then I was up very early to do some TV on the Saturday morning, so I had a very short sleep. And by Sunday, yeah, the throat was not in a good way.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:36 No, I was actually thinking about that the other day. You've had a good run. You've not been unwell.

William Hanson 0:03:41 No. And mentally, I was sort of— I could tell I was not there. There were signs. I mean, I did the show. I didn't forget any lines.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:49 But you do quite a lot of shouting.

William Hanson 0:03:51 I do.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:51 So was your voice going a little bit strange?

William Hanson 0:03:53 It was fine. I did everything. I did ginger tea. I took vitamin C tablets. Everything you needed to do. Avoided certain foods. I kicked a ladder backstage in quite a quiet bit on the show and Celine just looks across into the wings at me. She was fine with it. I didn't do it on purpose. I, uh—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:12 Did you just fall over it, did you?

William Hanson 0:04:14 I did nearly fall off the stage at the start of the show when we're doing all that I'm Alive wafting, and I have to step down. I was like, oh God!

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:21 You could have done a Kelsey Grammer.

William Hanson 0:04:22 Oh, what did he do?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:24 Do you remember he fell off that stage?

William Hanson 0:04:25 Did he?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:26 Yeah, he did.

William Hanson 0:04:27 Oh, Kels.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:28 Yeah, if you look on YouTube, there's the video of him. Oh, he took a tumble.

William Hanson 0:04:31 Oh, okay. No, I'll have a look.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:34 He just kind of walks off the stage. But I think he really hurt himself.

William Hanson 0:04:38 Yeah,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:39 I'm not laughing. You did. He kind of falls and he goes, oh!

William Hanson 0:04:47 I'm gonna— I think I should look it up now.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:49 Look it up. Is

William Hanson 0:04:51 it on YouTube?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:52 Probably, yeah.

William Hanson 0:04:53 Let me have a look. Kelsey Grammer. How long ago was this? Uh,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:56 I don't know, 5 or 6 years ago, something like that.

William Hanson 0:04:59 Kelsey Grammer falls off stage at the Grand Resort.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:01 Here we go. You ready? Don't laugh. Don't laugh! Listen to him. He really hurt himself, William, and you just laughed. Poor Fraser, with his big feet, fell off that— How can you fall off a stage with those feet?

William Hanson 0:05:30 No wonder he needs those shoes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:36 Oh, we're laughing at other people's misfortune. That's not like us. No. So, back to your misfortune when you nearly fell off the stage.

William Hanson 0:05:47 Yeah, I didn't do that. But I did, you know, the Beauty and the Beast section in the show? I forgot to come on.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:54 William!

William Hanson 0:05:56 I was standing in the wings. Not in the wings, I was standing in the corridor. Because you stand in the corridor to wait to come on through the audience, and then up the steps, there's the teapot. You go, whoa, whoa, whoa, tip over, and then all this wafting. And I'm standing in the corridor just away with the Farahs, and I suddenly hear, whoa, whoa, sugar! So I sprinted on up the stairs quite quickly and then started doing the wafting, looking at Nikki, who is opposite me, and she's dying laughing. She's realised what's happened. And carry on with the scene.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:27 And this was all because you went out on the lash?

William Hanson 0:06:30 It had just caught up, and I thought I was coming down with something, but 2 good nights' sleep and I was absolutely fine.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:35 There you go. Good.

William Hanson 0:06:36 So, I caught up and I'm okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:37 Well, you've only got a few more days, so keep that voice going.

William Hanson 0:06:40 Yes, and then I'm going— now, you won't be jealous of this whatsoever. I do have a little holiday booked.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:46 Where are you going?

William Hanson 0:06:47 Disneyland Paris.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:49 Oh, I'd forgotten about that.

William Hanson 0:06:51 With my niece and nephew.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:52 Oh God.

William Hanson 0:06:52 Well, Mike's niece and nephew, but mine.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:54 Is that called a holiday or a torture?

William Hanson 0:06:57 I'm— it's going to be magical.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:58 You're going to love it.

William Hanson 0:06:59 Yeah. They're fake, because they don't know that we're going. In fact, actually, yes, this is going out after we'll be there, so that's fine. Just in case they happen to hear it. I don't think they listen. They're 6 and 4.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:08 I was going to say, do you let young children listen to this?

William Hanson 0:07:11 I'd rather they listen to this than my other one. Let's put it that way.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:14 Well, that is true. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, you're going to have all those people waving at you. Hi!

William Hanson 0:07:24 What, the Disney workers?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:25 Yes.

William Hanson 0:07:26 No, I love it.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:27 So happy, aren't they?

William Hanson 0:07:29 Maybe we should— for a— this could be an idea for an episode. We could create our own theme park.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:38 Oh, well, actually, no, I could get behind that.

William Hanson 0:07:42 I thought you could. Don't give us any ideas now. We'll do it in the next podcast.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:45 We'll do it. Yeah, okay, fine.

William Hanson 0:07:46 Yes, I've got that. So, that'd be very nice. But we must talk about— you've just referenced it at time of recording— our hosepipes are out of action, aren't they?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:55 My lawn is dust. High-fat lawn type. Do you know what I did at the weekend? I thought, because I had the family coming over for a luxury Kamado barbecue with executive features, and my lawn just looked such a mess that I thought maybe if I give it a trim, it will look a bit smarter. Well, my lawn is absolutely brown and dead. And I quickly realised as I was cutting the lawn,

William Hanson 0:08:21 yeah,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:22 all I was doing basically was just churning up dust. It was like a dust cloud throughout the area, and I made it look even worse after cutting it.

William Hanson 0:08:30 But can you not— so this is what I'm confused about the hosepipe ban. So, we have an outside tap front and back.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:36 Of course you do.

William Hanson 0:08:37 I can use my watering can.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:39 Yes.

William Hanson 0:08:40 And I can fill up my watering can from from that tap.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:42 You can.

William Hanson 0:08:43 I think that's probably using more water than my hosepipe.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:47 Is that because you keep overflowing it because you don't know, you know, when it's going to be full?

William Hanson 0:08:50 No, but I think because it takes several cans to do everything.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:56 Right.

William Hanson 0:08:56 Whereas I think when you— obviously because it sort of spritzes out through the hose extension thing, the gun, in little— I don't think— I also don't have that much. I mean, I'm not going to contravene it. I just want to make that perfectly clear.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:10 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:09:10 But I can't see their logic. Like, I don't have a paddling pool. I don't have a hot tub. I don't have a lawn. I— so thus, I won't be using sprinklers. I don't have an irrigation system.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:21 No.

William Hanson 0:09:21 So, I can't quite see for my— I know,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:25 why do you have a hose?

William Hanson 0:09:27 Well, because I have got some stuff. But could you not fill up a watering can and just water your lawn?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:33 Well, you probably could, but you'd be a bit of a wally, wouldn't you? Because at a time where we have no water in the country— this is what annoys me. Why have we got no water? I mean, it rains from October to May in this country, and we haven't got enough water. We've run out of water. What have they done with it all? What have they done with it all?

William Hanson 0:09:56 Maybe we should investigate this in another podcast. We should do, what's happened to our water? Get our friend Luxury Luke on it. He does Problem Islands.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:08 Does he?

William Hanson 0:10:08 Series 3.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:09 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:10:10 Could be, what's happened to the water?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:11 But when you— I mean, when you come to Frigg, which of course will be in just a matter of months, you'll notice that everybody's sprinkling, everybody's got automatic irrigation systems, that lovely sound. But honestly, in Frigg, they seem to have enough water. It's very hot and dry there.

William Hanson 0:10:35 Yeah, well, they are a bigger country, Spain.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:38 Oh yeah, but they're not an island surrounded by sea, are they? For goodness' sake. Anyway, it was really making me annoyed because everything's so dry. So dry. But as long as they don't make me— Do you know what happened back in the '70s in this country?

William Hanson 0:10:51 No, tell us.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:51 When we ran out of money— Hang on a minute, I was not born. When we ran out of water in the '70s, everyone had to have a standpipe at the end of their road, and you'd have to go down with your bucket And fill your bouquet up. Could you imagine you and Mikey trundling off with your buckets?

William Hanson 0:11:12 That would be me.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:13 Go and get some water. You'd have to wash in a bucket.

William Hanson 0:11:19 Oh, God. So, well, yes, okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:21 Yeah. You'd have to strip Mikey naked and sloosh him with a bucket in the back garden, like they did in the war.

William Hanson 0:11:28 Wow.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:32 You quite like that idea, don't you?

William Hanson 0:11:34 But how about your butt? Have you filled up your butt recently?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:38 Well, 2 of my butts are completely empty.

William Hanson 0:11:41 Oh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:41 Only one of them still has water.

William Hanson 0:11:43 Well, hang on. How's— but it's been raining. Well, I guess you've used—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:47 What do you mean it's been raining?

William Hanson 0:11:48 Well, it hasn't been raining.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:49 Hasn't been raining. 5 weeks I've not had any rain my way. No.

William Hanson 0:11:57 We have my way.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:58 Have you? Have you had rain?

William Hanson 0:11:59 A little bit, yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:00 When have you had rain?

William Hanson 0:12:01 A couple of weeks ago.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:02 Oh, you see, that's what happens when you live in London.

William Hanson 0:12:04 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:05 No, I've not had any rain at all, so my butts are absolutely dry as a bone. And can I just say, one of my butts is a little bit whiffy.

William Hanson 0:12:14 Oh?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:15 It's gone whiffy.

William Hanson 0:12:16 Do you need to sloosh it out with a Spanish product?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:18 Well, I think I do. I think it's got a fungus in it, and it's a bit whiffy. So, don't get near my butt.

William Hanson 0:12:27 Don't need to be told twice. Everything else all right with you?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:34 Everything else has been fine, yeah. Working hard.

William Hanson 0:12:37 Good.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:37 Playing hard.

William Hanson 0:12:39 Oh, really?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:39 I had my quote through. Did I mention that I spoke to Chilli Room Charlie and Cool It Down Kev?

William Hanson 0:12:45 Well, I have now spoken to Chilli Room Charlie.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:47 Oh, okay.

William Hanson 0:12:47 Yes, as you know.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:48 As I know. And I had a chat. I've got through my quote. For my downstairs unit.

William Hanson 0:12:55 Would it have been cheaper had you got the downstairs unit put in at the same time?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:59 Yes, William, it would. Yes, thank you. Yeah, yes, it would have been. Yes, but it's not eye-watering.

William Hanson 0:13:06 No,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:06 it's doable. We just need to do a few more Luxury Lives.

William Hanson 0:13:12 Yeah, okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:12 Yeah, how's yours? Any update?

William Hanson 0:13:14 Well, the update is there's still a supply issue, so we don't Have— throughout the whole country, we are not just short of water, we're short of air conditioning units as well. And, uh, but he's hoping, he's hopeful for mid to late August.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:28 Oh, good.

William Hanson 0:13:29 But I think he's put the order through, so hopefully. And hopefully, because of the delay, it might mean that I might get the superior system.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:39 Oh, yeah.

William Hanson 0:13:40 So you won't be able to hold that over me.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:41 No, that's true.

William Hanson 0:13:42 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:43 Although you'll always have more units than me, won't you?

William Hanson 0:13:45 I will always have that, yes. So, that's the AC thing. Other little update, we have gone— we have placed an order for a new front door.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:55 Oh, have you?

William Hanson 0:13:56 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:56 Lovely. What colour are you going?

William Hanson 0:13:58 Thankfully not red.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:00 No? Okay, you won that battle.

William Hanson 0:14:02 I won that battle. Although I'm now told that he wasn't really meaning red. I think he was. We are going for a Harewood Grey, which is a blue-grey.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:11 A blue-grey?

William Hanson 0:14:13 Yes. Yes, a blue-grey.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:15 Very smart.

William Hanson 0:14:16 I still wanted green.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:17 Are you going for glazing?

William Hanson 0:14:20 We're going for stained glass.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:21 Stained glass.

William Hanson 0:14:22 Yes, those colours, TBC.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:24 With a reinforced back panel.

William Hanson 0:14:26 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:27 Because you don't want an unsightly mitt coming through your glass and clutching for your lock.

William Hanson 0:14:33 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:34 Have you got— can you have bars on the inside?

William Hanson 0:14:37 No, I'm not having bars on the inside.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:41 Just little kind of ornamental security bars.

William Hanson 0:14:43 Over what? Over the glass?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:45 On the inside, yeah.

William Hanson 0:14:46 No, Jonathan, because that looked terrible in the hall.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:48 Well, it would be secure though, won't it?

William Hanson 0:14:51 I've got a 5-point mortise lock.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:53 5-point mortise lock with executive features. Yes. Right. Are you having a chub as well?

William Hanson 0:15:00 I'm having something better than a chub. Thank you very much.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:09 Are you?

William Hanson 0:15:10 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:11 Are you? Oh!

William Hanson 0:15:12 Lovely sort of aged brass detailing. Central knocker. Central knob.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:18 Are you going for a— what's it called? A ballons?

William Hanson 0:15:21 A Bantham. Bantham?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:23 A

William Hanson 0:15:24 Bantham lock.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:25 Oh, a Bantham!

William Hanson 0:15:26 I can't tell you the brand we're going for because people might, you know, start looking at a car.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:31 That is terribly executive. Many years ago, in my last flat— do you remember?— I had an Ingersoll lock.

William Hanson 0:15:39 Hmm.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:40 And an Ingersoll has a very unusual key. And whenever I went anywhere— restaurant, bar— I'd always place my car keys in a way that the Ingersoll key could be seen on the table. So people would say, oh, that's an interesting— it's an Ingersoll, an executive locking system for a better class of apartment. That's what I used to say.

William Hanson 0:16:01 Nice. Lovely. Good you need that for small talk. Most people just make a comment about the weather.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:10 Are you telling me you're not going to leave your Bantham key on the table?

William Hanson 0:16:12 I'm not necessarily having a Bantham.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:14 Oh.

William Hanson 0:16:15 I'm not telling you.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:16 Oh, you're going for a cheap one, aren't you? A cheap alternative. No. Can I see your keys? Yes. Because I do think you can tell a lot about someone from their keys. Try to walk in a manly fashion, will you?

William Hanson 0:16:32 Jordan described my keys as— Jordan described my keys as the most heterosexual thing about me. That was before I've put on this one of the keyrings.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:45 Now, let's have a little look at these. Gosh. Oh, that old thing. Wow. Well, I would certainly make a judgement from you with those. Well done. You need something a bit more executive.

William Hanson 0:17:07 Yes, these 2 keys, which are the front door keys currently, are going to change.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:11 Good. Yeah, I was gonna say.

William Hanson 0:17:13 So, they're on their way out.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:14 They're very suburbia. And that's your little— what is that? Describe it. Do I ask what that is and why do you keep it on your keys?

William Hanson 0:17:24 That's my fob.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:26 That's your fob?

William Hanson 0:17:28 For this building, actually.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:29 Oh, okay.

William Hanson 0:17:30 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:30 Where's your luxury alarm fob?

William Hanson 0:17:32 So that attaches onto here, but only when I know I need it. And because when I'll be going home, Mike will be there, I know I don't need it.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:43 Right.

William Hanson 0:17:43 So I just, you know, click it on when I need it. And then I have a little one of our— I think it was Buckethead or Gene Diva, That's me as Ruth with birds on the head.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:55 If you look at my keys—

William Hanson 0:17:56 Oh God, suddenly I don't feel safe.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:00 Now look at those. Look at—

William Hanson 0:18:02 Now we both have AirTags in case we lose them. I mean, I don't know how you could lose them.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:06 That's largely so I know where I am.

William Hanson 0:18:07 Ah, yes. Now this is Jonathan's car key for the lesser model. My car key is a bit smarter than this, and it's in different colours and doesn't feel as cheap.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:22 How dare you? It's the same key.

William Hanson 0:18:23 It's the same shape. Oh, that, I know what that's for, because we have one. That's for your steering lock.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:28 That is, yeah, yeah. Now, look at those smart keys, you see?

William Hanson 0:18:32 That's for your front door.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:34 They show that I'm a little bit more secure than you, don't they?

William Hanson 0:18:38 Yes. Now, whose are all these? Is this like other people in your life?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:41 No, they're all my locks.

William Hanson 0:18:42 Oh, so do you not have— do you keep keys for anyone else?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:46 Yeah. Oh yes, there is my brother's house key on there. Yeah. And my father's house key. Yeah.

William Hanson 0:18:50 And you've got your token for the trolley.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:53 I've got 2 tokens.

William Hanson 0:18:56 In case you need 2 trolleys.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:58 One of them works in Frigg.

William Hanson 0:19:00 Oh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:00 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:19:02 Nice.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:03 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:19:03 A Nikki Schiller token.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:05 Yes, it is a Nikki Schiller token.

William Hanson 0:19:07 The Nikki Schiller.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:08 Who's Nikki Schiller?

William Hanson 0:19:09 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:10 Well, certain of our Buckethead listeners will know, and I'm sure some of our Buckethead listeners received their their Nicky Schiller Christmas pack every year.

William Hanson 0:19:18 Oh, what's that?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:20 Well, those of us know.

William Hanson 0:19:22 I'm

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:23 not going to reveal. Now that, I don't know what—

William Hanson 0:19:26 It's a white piece of plastic rubbish.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:28 No, apparently it's an antibac thing. Apparently if you put it on there, it kills any bacteria around your keys in your pocket.

William Hanson 0:19:38 I think, but judging by the look of it, it's full of grime. I think that, that ship has sailed. You might need to replace it.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:44 Should I take that one off?

William Hanson 0:19:45 Yeah, yeah,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:45 it does look a bit grubby actually, doesn't it?

William Hanson 0:19:47 Yeah, it's not very JBS.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:48 But I think you can tell that I've got a much more security-conscious attitude to life. You see what I mean?

William Hanson 0:19:55 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:56 So I can't wait to analyse your new set of keys. When is your new front door coming?

William Hanson 0:20:01 November.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:01 November?

William Hanson 0:20:03 Even frigs before then.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:04 Oh my word.

William Hanson 0:20:04 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:05 You have to wait forever for everything, don't you?

William Hanson 0:20:08 It turns out, you know, Front doors.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:11 Where have they been? Why are we short of them?

William Hanson 0:20:13 Oh, it's been bespoke.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:15 Bespoke.

William Hanson 0:20:17 Stained glass, you know, you can't just rush stained glass.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:19 Oh, have you got a little man in Wales working on that for you?

William Hanson 0:20:23 I think that's where they are, yes. Yeah, nice.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:25 Very good.

William Hanson 0:20:26 So it's very exciting.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:27 Well, I'm thrilled for you.

William Hanson 0:20:28 Come over, we'll have an entrance warming party.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:31 Oh, I can't wait.

William Hanson 0:20:32 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:32 Are you going to do anything about your back door?

William Hanson 0:20:34 I don't have a back door.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:36 Sorry, Oscar, who's working with us today, just choked with laughter at me mentioning your—

William Hanson 0:20:42 I don't choke at my back door.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:43 Your back door.

William Hanson 0:20:44 Well, no, I've got, I've got the bifolds. Of course you do. Yeah, so you can't really do it.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:53 No, you don't want to change those.

William Hanson 0:20:54 No. Well, Mikey does, but—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:56 Really? For what?

William Hanson 0:20:57 He wants Crittal.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:58 Oh no, I think Crittal are very, you know, now gone tomorrow.

William Hanson 0:21:01 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:01 Yeah. They look a bit like a prison, don't they? You know.

William Hanson 0:21:06 Yeah. Anyway, so we'll stick with what we've got.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:09 Oh gosh, you've gladly got— putting an order in for them? Have they just offended you?

William Hanson 0:21:12 No, no, no. No, not at all. No, no, no.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:13 Okay, good. Well, I can't wait for your front door, William.

William Hanson 0:21:16 Excellent. Thank you.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:07 Welcome back, Bucketheads. We're going to read your questions now, so let's dive into our heaving bags of post. Do remember, if there's something on your mind that needs a luxury touch, postman@luxurypodcast.co.uk is the place for your queries and your questions.

William Hanson 0:24:41 This first one is from Mac. Dear Jonathan and William, I write to you from a luxury 5-star Portuguese hotel for a better class of person.

William Hanson 0:24:49 In the airport, I was reminded of something which I have long thought of to be very unluxury: Crocs. I absolutely detest Crocs and all they stand for, because they are not only ugly and in some cases absurdly expensive, but they symbolise the general public's preference of comfort over style. I dislike the entire airport comfort ensemble: tracksuits, joggers, neck pillows— why does one's neck suddenly need additional cushioning at 30,000 feet? Another irritation. But Crocs are unquestionably the worst aspect.

William Hanson 0:25:16 Yes, comfort is very luxury, but when it comes at the expense of style and dignity, it is certainly not. I'm quite fed up of hearing the, but they're very comfortable, etc., etc., and so wanted the consensus of some luxury experts. Moreover, are there any other comfort-purpose items which you dislike for their prioritisation of comfort at the expense of grace, decorum, and other luxury traits which the general public clearly do not possess? Yours sincerely, Mac Edmunds.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:39 Totally with you, Mac.

William Hanson 0:25:40 Yes, don't like a croc.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:42 No,

William Hanson 0:25:42 no,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:42 unless you work in a mortuary or an abattoir, there's absolutely no reason to wear a Croc.

William Hanson 0:25:48 How about a dentist? I see dentists wearing Crocs.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:51 Oh yes, I think my dentist— oh, my dentist is leaving me.

William Hanson 0:25:54 Is he?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:55 Yes, I'll tell you all about that later, but he's leaving me. But yes, he does wear Crocs as well, now you come to mention it.

William Hanson 0:26:01 Just as well he's off then.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:02 Exactly. Yeah.

William Hanson 0:26:04 Wow. I would say other things that are not— I mean, generally, people who wear I mean, I don't mind trainers. I have trainers. Discuss. I have Kelsey Grammer's trainers.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:13 Of course you do.

William Hanson 0:26:13 That's probably why I'm falling off stages. But it's when people think that a normal sort of brogue or an Oxford or a loafer aren't as comfortable. It's like, well, if you get the right one— you just haven't found the right one, or you are not picky. You're picky. I'm gonna say it. You're buying cheap shoes. You're buying cheap formal shoes from somewhere like Primark. Of course they're not going to be comfortable. No, because they're not designed to be comfortable. They're designed to be worn. It's fast fashion.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:41 English shoes, ideally,

William Hanson 0:26:43 it's going to be nice. Similarly, a nice fitting shirt with a collar. Like, when people undo the top button, oh yeah, because it's like, it's really tight. Yeah, you've bought a size that's too small for you. That's what you've done.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:53 This modern trend of wearing a suit with trainers, that is what I think. I mean, it's— dare I say it, and as you know, I work for the BBC, It's a bit BBC management. And I have made comments to managers. I've said, please, if you're going to wear a suit, do not wear trainers. Wear a smart pair of Oxfords.

William Hanson 0:27:14 Yes. Black.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:15 Black. Always black. You know, it's this kind of idea that, oh yes, but I want to be comfortable. No, no.

William Hanson 0:27:21 Oh, why don't you come in in your pyjamas then?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:23 Exactly. Standards. And Crocs never look attractive.

William Hanson 0:27:29 In the gym.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:30 What?

William Hanson 0:27:31 In the gym.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:32 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:27:33 You know, the place with the machines.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:34 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:27:35 Sometimes men will wear the sleeveless, the singlets, you know, the tops. And I always wear a t-shirt.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:42 Yes, quite often.

William Hanson 0:27:44 Yeah. I don't get why. Why do your arms need to be out?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:47 Well, if you're big and muscly.

William Hanson 0:27:48 Well, tell you what, you can wear a t-shirt that—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:50 Yeah, but they want to kind of see their shoulders, don't they, when they're doing the old shoulder press?

William Hanson 0:27:55 They're there.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:56 Yeah, but they want to see the muscles, don't they?

William Hanson 0:27:59 Oh, what an ego trip.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:00 Why are they— oh yes, but I mean, the gym is full of ego trips, isn't it? The grunters, you know, the grunt, the noises that people make in the gym. Disgusting.

William Hanson 0:28:10 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:11 So no, I'm absolutely with you. But no, Crocs are— I don't think there's ever an excuse for Crocs, really. Maybe a butcher, you know.

William Hanson 0:28:18 Yeah, but actually Crocs have holes in them, don't they?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:21 Yes, you might get a little bit of skirt steak in between your toes. fall through your hole.

William Hanson 0:28:26 A bit of blood.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:28 Yeah, but you hose them down. That's why they wear them in abattoirs, don't they?

William Hanson 0:28:32 Yeah, but they should at least do Crocs that are without holes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:36 Sealed.

William Hanson 0:28:37 Yeah. Oh gosh, if you're going to wear a Croc anywhere with blood— butcher's, abattoir—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:41 Don't give them any more ideas.

William Hanson 0:28:43 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:44 Anyway, we're with you. Ben writes to us, William. He says, hello William and Jonathan, my wife and I are avid listeners to your podcast.

William Hanson 0:28:51 He says pointedly.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:52 We need your advice on a social, a delicate social situation. We were frequenting our local public house last night, and we got chatting to a man who was nice, but a bit of a bore, and was being slightly overfamiliar with my wife.

William Hanson 0:29:08 Oh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:09 Whilst I was chatting to some friends, he got his phone, found my wife on Facebook, and sent her a friend request. My wife didn't know what to do as he was standing there, watching her, so she just accepted so he'd leave. What should one do in that situation? My wife didn't want to seem rude, but at the same time, she didn't want him as her friend on Facebook. We've seen this man before in the pub, and we'll probably see him again in the future, so he wasn't a total stranger.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:41 But even so, it's odd. Also, it's worth noting, and it's very telling, he didn't send me a friend request. Oh my word. Well, Ben, he does sound like an odd bod.

William Hanson 0:29:54 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:29:54 I mean, this is a good argument for hopefully— I mean, I don't know whether your wife did, but if your wife had already been seen on her phone in the pub, which you could argue, why are you on your phone in the pub? Then there is a— if she's already got it out, as it were, then there is a precedent for him going, oh, go and accept me. Whereas if not, you could go, ah, you know, I'm here in the pub. You could say, I'm not on my phone. I'll accept you when I get home.

William Hanson 0:30:20 and then you don't need to. But if she's already been on the phone or she's sitting there scrolling, then, you know, she's going to have herself to blame.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:25 Yeah, because you just say— you could say, oh, I don't ever use Facebook anymore. No, there's no point adding me. I don't use it. Yeah, just, you know, tell a little white lie.

William Hanson 0:30:35 I will— I will actually— this is sort of going about to become true, but for years, if I was stopped in the street— not for years, but for the last year or so— often, sometimes I get stopped in the street by other we'll call them creators, um, and they'll say, oh, let's— we must collab. Let me— let me— follow me, follow me, and I'll, you know, we'll do stuff. And I'll say, do you know what? I'm going to let you into a little secret. I don't actually have Instagram on my phone. Someone else runs it for me.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:03 Oh, very sophisticated.

William Hanson 0:31:05 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:05 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:31:06 And now, I don't know if— I don't think that will work with Ben and his wife. That may not fly in the pub, although, you know, adds an air of mystery. But that's what I used to do.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:15 Or just kind of laugh it off and say, you know, friend request? I don't even know you.

William Hanson 0:31:21 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:22 Move on.

William Hanson 0:31:22 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:23 You know, and definitely delete him the minute you're no longer there.

William Hanson 0:31:26 Block him. Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:28 Delete, in fact, delete your whole Facebook account just for safe measure. And then you can say, I've come off Facebook, actually. You won't find me on there.

William Hanson 0:31:35 Well, you are on Facebook, aren't you, for your work?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:38 Well, only for work. Yeah, I don't use it personally.

William Hanson 0:31:41 No, I don't use it at all. Personally, I use it professionally.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:44 Facebook's just become weird now, hasn't it?

William Hanson 0:31:46 They're all becoming a bit weird.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:47 Yes. Aren't

William Hanson 0:31:48 they? Instagram's all right.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:49 Apart from us.

William Hanson 0:31:49 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:50 I mean, the content we generate, thank goodness for us.

William Hanson 0:31:53 Yes. Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:53 No

William Hanson 0:31:53 one ever hates what we

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:54 put on there. That's true.

William Hanson 0:32:03 Yeah, it's true.

William Hanson 0:32:04 We've never done anything. This is from Dan. Dear Jonathan and William, I'm a little obsessive when it comes to cleaning, namely using the vacuum cleaner. As my girlfriend frequently likes to remind me, my vacuum has racked up more miles than my car. I take much pride in my car, making sure both the inside and outside are spotless, and have recently invested in a slightly more fancy car cleaning kit.

William Hanson 0:32:26 Did I fall for the hard sell on Instagram Reels? The jury is still out on that. I've washed my car with this new kit on several occasions, and a couple of my neighbours have commented on it, especially as it produces a lovely thick snow foam. Early one weekend evening, my next-door neighbour knocked on my front door and got straight to the point, asking if I would wash his car, adding that he would pay me to do so. He wanted it done there and then, as his family were off to a wedding first thing the following morning.

William Hanson 0:32:51 I will add that his car was stinking, courtesy of many pigeons that landed on the telephone cables above his car. Not wanting to get my kit out, and being in the middle of many tasks in the garden, I told a little white lie that I had lent it all to my friend who wanted to give it a go. So my question to you is, Is it rude, ballsy, or luxury to ask your neighbour to wash your car, please? I look forward to hearing your thoughts on this. Thanks for the great podcast.

William Hanson 0:33:11 Keep up the fab work. Dan from South Wales.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:14 I think it's very strange. I mean, my neighbours quite often, if I'm— I mean, back in the good old days before the hosepipe ban, if I was washing my car, my neighbours would, walking past my house, they'd say, oh, can I bring mine round? You know?

William Hanson 0:33:29 Yeah, as a joke. Hoping you'd probably say yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:32 I've not heard that already 4 times this morning. Yeah, that's very funny. But they've never actually genuinely come over and said, hi, are you okay if I just bring my car round?

William Hanson 0:33:43 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:44 You know, I would think that was very strange.

William Hanson 0:33:46 Very odd.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:47 I would say, I think, Dan, you should say, I'm sorry, I'm not a professional. I do it for myself, and I'm afraid I'm not going to clean anyone else's car. I'm sorry, you're going to have to get your own professional in.

William Hanson 0:34:01 Yes, because also if you accidentally damaged it, they'll then be really cross. Yeah. Yes, and you won't have insurance.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:07 Quite.

William Hanson 0:34:07 With the hosepipe ban.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:09 Oh, back to the hosepipe ban, yes.

William Hanson 0:34:11 How are window cleaners going to— are they exempt?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:13 I presume so, yeah.

William Hanson 0:34:15 And how about car valeters?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:17 I think they're exempt.

William Hanson 0:34:18 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:18 As long as you're using it for commercial purposes.

William Hanson 0:34:21 Because isn't there also an exemption if you've got a mental health condition?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:25 Well, if you're disabled, yes. Oh, okay.

William Hanson 0:34:29 Fine.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:29 So, it depends on what your disability is. But yes, in theory, if you're disabled and qualify, yeah.

William Hanson 0:34:36 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:36 So, there you go. Well, on that useful note, on that public service note, let's leave it there. We'll be back, of course, next Wednesday.

William Hanson 0:34:50 Now, it's a controversial topic.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:52 It is. We're going to be— oh, by the way, before we tell everyone what coming up on Wednesday of next week. Did you see that lovely moment of revenge from, you know, our young listener?

William Hanson 0:35:06 Oh yeah,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:09 yeah. Young— is it Jayden Fagioli?

William Hanson 0:35:12 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:12 Which I think probably, to be fair to Jayden, is probably pronounced Fagioni. And Jayden, who, as you know, when we read out the message from him, We both got a fit of the giggles because we're both stupid children, basically. And he commented to say, thank heavens you haven't run out of content yet. So touché, Jaiden, well done you.

William Hanson 0:35:37 And I think Wednesday's episode will prove that.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:39 Yes, because next Wednesday we'll be discussing potatoes. How you can have a luxury potato. Do you know what? I'm actually rather excited.

William Hanson 0:35:50 I'm excited.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:50 Mmm. For now though, goodbye!