Hazy Memories and a Leaky Mess

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:01:37 Hello and welcome to The Luxury Podcast. My name is Jonathan Vernon-Smith, and with me is William Hanson. This is the podcast that helps you live a more luxury life.

William Hanson 0:01:48 Hello, Jonathan. I'm here to help you create the everyday moments of luxury that make life worth living, whatever your budget.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:01:53 So welcome to another bonus episode of The Luxury Podcast, where William and I trade tips, and stories from our own luxury lifestyles, as well as delving into our lovely great big male sacks. Oh, William, I've missed you.

William Hanson 0:02:07 Oh, I've missed you too. Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:09 How's your week without me been?

William Hanson 0:02:11 Slow and tiring and very sober.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:16 In fact, I think it's about 2 weeks since we saw each other really, isn't it? Almost 2 weeks. Yes, it is. Yeah, because we're recording it.

William Hanson 0:02:23 Yeah, you came back at the start of this week, and then you obviously stayed on in Frigg.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:27 Yes.

William Hanson 0:02:28 And freaked for a bit longer than we did.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:30 I did, yeah. I loved my— Did you have—

William Hanson 0:02:33 you can be honest.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:33 Go on.

William Hanson 0:02:33 Did you miss us?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:35 I did. Absolutely missed you.

William Hanson 0:02:37 Did you consider— You know what I did? Did you consider coming home?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:39 No, I didn't consider it. No, I just wished you'd stayed longer.

William Hanson 0:02:43 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:44 Because I feel as if it was such a whirlwind, and I think you enjoyed it.

William Hanson 0:02:49 Yes, I did.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:50 I got the impression you did.

William Hanson 0:02:51 Particularly Sunday when we weren't working.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:53 Exactly. When I saw you on the Sunday, That was the first time I saw you properly relaxed Frigg style. I mean, you were also absolutely pissed.

William Hanson 0:03:01 Well, so were you. 3 bottles of red wine right at the side of the pool. I mean, that was one each, but—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:12 But you were properly relaxed.

William Hanson 0:03:15 Yeah, I was relaxed.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:16 And I thought, do you know what? It's a shame he hasn't got a few more days to have some proper Frigg relaxation, because that's what I always find. I find, you know, a week or 10 days in Frigg, and I properly relax. I switch off. So, after you'd gone, that was when I did kind of just switch off then.

William Hanson 0:03:32 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:33 And it was lovely. It was very enjoyable.

William Hanson 0:03:35 Good.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:35 I went to do a bit of shopping, because on the Monday that you left was the only day we had bad weather.

William Hanson 0:03:39 You did. And actually, to be fair, that was a good day for us to leave. It was. Because I thought, oh, if it was glorious sunshine, it would have been harder to leave.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:46 No, it was rubbish all day. It rained pretty much all day. And so, I thought, Bit of shopping.

William Hanson 0:03:51 Great. Mercadona?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:53 No, no, I didn't go to the Mercadona. So, I drove to— there's a nice kind of shopping area not far away.

William Hanson 0:03:59 Oh, we passed it, didn't we? That's right, yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:01 So, I went there, and they've got— that's where I bought my nice sweater from Zara.

William Hanson 0:04:05 Lovely.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:06 And they've got a Mango.

William Hanson 0:04:08 Oh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:09 Yes. And they've also got a shop called— have you ever come across Dunnes?

William Hanson 0:04:13 I know a lot about Dunnes, but I have never been.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:16 Yes, Dunnes Stores. They're an Irish company, And I love going to Dunnes.

William Hanson 0:04:22 Don't walk, run to Dunnes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:24 Run to Dunnes. I love it because their homeware department is fantastic.

William Hanson 0:04:30 Oh, really?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:31 Yes. And when I went there this time, they've got— there's a chap. In fact, we really should get him on the podcast.

William Hanson 0:04:39 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:40 He is fabulous. If I say the name Francis Brennan, does that ring any bells?

William Hanson 0:04:45 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:46 He's an Irishman, and he is, I think, a hotelier. I looked him up.

William Hanson 0:04:52 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:53 And he has a whole range there of stuff to create a hotel look in your home. And I bought some towels there.

William Hanson 0:05:04 So, you can buy little bells, key cards for the door, do not disturb signs.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:13 So, I bought some nice fluffy towels.

William Hanson 0:05:15 Oh, and I thought your towels are exclusively from Target.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:19 Well, yes, but I have to be honest, the ones from Target started to get a bit threadbare around the edges. So, I thought they need replacing. And so, I got some towels, and I got some tops. This new top, I got this top. The polo. Yes, the polo, manly polo. Yeah, I got a few things there. So, I had a nice day doing a bit of shopping.

William Hanson 0:05:38 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:39 And then headed back, bit of dinner. Next day, glorious sunshine.

William Hanson 0:05:44 You went to the Raw Bar, didn't you?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:45 I did. I went raw.

William Hanson 0:05:47 Nice. What did you have?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:48 I had a burger. I had a burger. I had a burger. I went to Raw. I thought, you know what? I'm gonna have a burger.

William Hanson 0:05:55 No, well, I hope it wasn't raw.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:57 It wasn't a raw burger, no. But no, I—

William Hanson 0:06:00 What sort of things did they serve at Raw Bar?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:02 Oh, all kinds. Sushi. Sushi? No, why would they serve sushi?

William Hanson 0:06:08 Because that's raw.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:10 Oh no, it's not raw food.

William Hanson 0:06:11 Oh, why is it called Raw Bar?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:13 I don't know. Oh. Don't know. No, I don't think it's anything raw. No, they do fish and you name it.

William Hanson 0:06:20 Oh, okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:21 Yeah, I had a burger.

William Hanson 0:06:21 Nice.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:22 Yeah, I did nice.

William Hanson 0:06:23 Sticking to what you know.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:23 Had a burger.

William Hanson 0:06:24 I obviously brought back a lot of cleaning products, not just for me, but for lots of other people as well.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:30 Yeah, you had a bit of a pickle though, didn't you, on the way back?

William Hanson 0:06:32 I did, including we did bring back 6 rolls of lavender-scented bin bags for The lovely Sadie.

Speaker E 0:06:38 Very appreciative. Thanks, boys.

William Hanson 0:06:40 Does your home stink of lavender now? Yes, fabulous. There you go. They'll see you out. I think we got 3 from Lidl and 3 from Mercadona. I think there's possibly a mix. I can't remember where we got them from.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:51 Yeah, there were— oh no, didn't we get some from, what I affectionately know as the care home? Otherwise known as Carrefour.

William Hanson 0:06:59 We did, yes. It was some from Lidl and some from Carrefour.

Speaker E 0:07:01 Yeah, 'cause I've been watching the Mercadona clips, and you put them— You put them back.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:05 Yeah, we did. Yes. We put them back.

William Hanson 0:07:06 'Cause they didn't smell as strong. That was it, yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:08 We went to the care home, and then we went to Lidl. Yep. That's where we got them from.

William Hanson 0:07:12 Care home is how Pam refers to Carrefour.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:14 Carrefour, yeah. She calls it Mercadonia and care home. Yeah.

William Hanson 0:07:19 So, yeah, I bought all these things, and Freddie's case wasn't big enough, so I was asked to bring his back. And we got other gifts for other people as well. Mikey loved his Frigiliana t-shirt, by the way.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:32 I saw the picture.

William Hanson 0:07:33 He slept in it that night. Did he? He said it was very nice. Loved the material. Yeah, my baggage allowance, because I was in seat 1A, as you know, was 32 kilogrammes. How heavy do you think my suitcase was coming back?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:45 Oh no. Did you have to pay excess weight?

William Hanson 0:07:48 31.5 kilogrammes. Oh, really? Oh, phew. I have never on any trip got that close to the limit.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:54 Wow.

William Hanson 0:07:55 Yep. And then what happened? Well, I had wrapped a couple of things, in fact most of them, in lavender-scented bin bags.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:04 You used the lavender-scented bin bags?

William Hanson 0:08:07 Well, what else am I going to use?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:08 Oh, right.

William Hanson 0:08:10 And as I got home, and I moved the case from the hall, and I was beginning to take it upstairs, there was just a little puddle.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:18 Oh no!

William Hanson 0:08:19 From underneath the case, and I went, oh God.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:22 What was it?

William Hanson 0:08:24 Jabón de Macea.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:25 Oh, was it the degreaser?

William Hanson 0:08:26 Yep.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:27 Oh no, Freddie's degreaser. Oh dear.

William Hanson 0:08:30 So, the inside of my case smells beautiful now.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:33 Well, it would do. Yeah. Yeah. Did it ruin anything?

William Hanson 0:08:36 No, luckily. Oh, phew. No, luckily. I was prepared for the worst.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:39 Okay.

William Hanson 0:08:40 But these Spanish cleaning products have gone everywhere.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:43 Oh dear.

William Hanson 0:08:44 Particularly the Jabón de Macea, the French-Spanish cleaning product.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:46 What, so the other ones leaked as well?

William Hanson 0:08:48 No, no, no, the other ones were fine, actually. It was just that one.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:50 Yes. Well, you know, there was also a problem because when we got back, Freddie then sent me a message because he'd also bought some Spanish cleaning products. Buy me. And I should just point out, I mean, he very rudely once suggested that Spanish cleaning products make your house smell like a 3-star Spanish hotel. But I got—

William Hanson 0:09:10 But he likes that.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:11 But I got a message.

William Hanson 0:09:12 He won't admit it, but he does.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:13 I got a message from him after he got back to say, is there any chance you could bring me some more stuff back? And I'm thinking, well, probably not, because I've not got much allowance. So, when I got back to the UK, I thought, I'm going to buy him some products that are sold in the UK that are Spanish cleaning products and get them shipped to his house.

William Hanson 0:09:33 It's very generous of you.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:34 So, I bought him a nice big bottle of jabón de Marsella detergent, a bottle of the colonia, which is the nenuco-smelling lemony kind of fabric softener and the Las Tres Brujas window cleaner. And can you believe the one time it splits in the box, it split on its way to Freddie. Yeah, I was sent some photos.

William Hanson 0:09:57 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:58 So, I just saw this bottle that had exploded in the post.

William Hanson 0:10:02 Are you gonna write to them?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:02 I have.

William Hanson 0:10:03 Oh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:04 There's a new one coming tomorrow.

William Hanson 0:10:05 Oh, we get it. He's in LA tomorrow.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:08 Oh, is he?

William Hanson 0:10:09 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:09 Oh dear. Well, the company's delivering it to tomorrow, and they were very apologetic. I mean, it's not their fault. It obviously just broke in transit. Yeah. So, I'm very— this is the problem with transporting liquids.

William Hanson 0:10:20 Yes, it is.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:21 Be very careful. If you ever go to Spain and buy some products, wrap them properly.

William Hanson 0:10:27 Yep.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:27 That's my advice.

William Hanson 0:10:28 Uh, but no, we had a lovely time. Thank you again for having us. It was, it was great fun.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:33 You are welcome anytime.

William Hanson 0:10:34 I hear Pam from the pool is, uh, getting an agent.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:36 Uh, she's— yeah, she's definitely getting an agent.

William Hanson 0:10:39 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:41 She was, uh, yeah, she was quite happy with her, her appearance. Does she listen? Of course she does.

William Hanson 0:10:45 Oh, she does? Oh, fantastic. Of course they do.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:47 Had a lovely day. When you'd gone on the Tuesday, yeah, spent the afternoon with Pam and Kate.

William Hanson 0:10:53 Lovely.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:54 Round the pool.

William Hanson 0:10:54 Nice.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:55 It was the— it was a proper Pam from the pool moment.

William Hanson 0:10:58 Did she have her walkout?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:59 She didn't get her walkout, but she had everything else out. And, uh, we got told off because we went to her— she was staying in an apartment in Nørrebro.

William Hanson 0:11:10 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:11 And we went to— we hit the bar, and we got a couple of beers, and we were— we took our beers into the pool.

William Hanson 0:11:18 Ah!

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:18 Well, plastic. They were in plastic glasses. We went in there, and the lifeguard told us to get out.

William Hanson 0:11:24 You're not at the W Hotel, are you? For God's sake.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:26 Well, we sat on this— we were sitting on the steps, drinking our beer, having a chinwag, and the lifeguard came over and told us off.

William Hanson 0:11:33 Quite right.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:34 So, we moved up one step and carried on. Technically, we weren't in the pool anymore. And you know us Brits, we thrive cave on a technicality.

William Hanson 0:11:43 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:45 So, we moved out, and I said, we're now out of the pool. So, we drank our beer technically out of the pool, but with our feet in. Okay.

William Hanson 0:11:53 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:53 Fine. And we had a very nice afternoon. It was very nice.

William Hanson 0:11:55 Oh, that's lovely. And did the weather then remain consistent?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:58 Oh, it was gorgeous, yeah. Rest of the time. Absolutely stunning.

William Hanson 0:12:01 Gorgeous. Yeah. How many times did you go back to the Mercadona?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:03 Several times, yes.

William Hanson 0:12:05 Good. Is that— so, is that your— because you took me to a whole range of supermarkets.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:08 Yes.

William Hanson 0:12:09 Is the Mercadona the go-to?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:13 Not necessarily. I like the Lidl.

William Hanson 0:12:16 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:16 I like a Lidl. I don't mind a care home either. No, I don't mind as well. Yeah, I don't mind a care home. And yeah, and I went to a Roski.

William Hanson 0:12:25 Oh, you didn't take me up the Roski?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:27 No, I didn't take you up the Roski.

William Hanson 0:12:28 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:30 No, I thought there was— you'd had enough. I had. You'd been taken up in enough places. I had.

William Hanson 0:12:35 Talking of which, you also took us unsuccessfully up Los Caracolas. We thought on this— Sunday, or maybe it was the Saturday. It was a Saturday. We were trying to find somewhere post-boat to record the rest of the episode. We thought, oh, we can record the second half at Hotel Los Caracoles. Bloody wedding on.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:55 Yeah, there was a wedding.

William Hanson 0:12:56 They turned us away.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:57 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:12:57 We couldn't go to the Snail Hotel.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:59 No. It's pretty though, isn't it?

William Hanson 0:13:01 Well, what I saw of it, yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:03 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:13:03 The wedding looked nice.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:05 There was an English couple who'd cycled all the way up there, and it's quite a long way up there.

William Hanson 0:13:10 It's a huge steep hill.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:11 And there's a very— you have to go up a mountain. And they'd arrived, and they'd cycled specifically there to sit and have dinner or something. And they were turned away. So this man said, all they'll let us have is a glass of water.

William Hanson 0:13:23 Everyone's northern in Frigiliana, we've decided.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:27 Oh dear. Yeah. Anyway, but you got home okay?

William Hanson 0:13:34 I got home fine. Freddie's flight was delayed horrifically. In fact, by the time I was collecting my leaky bag Not that I knew it was leaky at that point. By the way, baggage belt 5 at Heathrow smells of Havane de Marsella. That's probably my fault. But by the time I was— literally, I put my hand on my bag and my little app notified me that Fred's flight was then taking off.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:54 Oh, and our flights were scheduled for 5 minutes apart. Oh yeah, well, my flight on the way back, uh, got on the plane eventually, and it was like a sauna.

William Hanson 0:14:05 Was it Vueling again?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:06 No, British Airways.

William Hanson 0:14:07 Oh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:08 Got on the—

William Hanson 0:14:08 I thought you said you were flying back, Vueling?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:10 No, British Airways.

William Hanson 0:14:12 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:12 So, got on the plane, and it was like a sauna. It was like a sauna. And the— but I'm looking at the watch, I'm thinking, oh no, we're going to be delayed again. This is absolutely ridiculous. The captain comes on, and he says, I'm very sorry, but the machine that provides the air conditioning on the ground is broken. It was absolutely unbearable.

William Hanson 0:14:36 But then when you get up in the air, that works.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:38 When we finally got up in the air, but we were then sitting on the tarmac. Everyone's using the, you know, the, um, what do you call it? The card where you get all your emergency—

William Hanson 0:14:47 Safety card.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:48 Your safety card. We're all using that as a fan. It was unbearable. The cabin crew were sweating buckets. Poor chap doing our safety demonstration, he said, I'm soaking. I said, so am I, absolutely dripping.

William Hanson 0:15:02 Get the lifeboats out.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:03 And then there was this family from hell behind me, and they'd got a baby, and the baby got a full nappy.

William Hanson 0:15:12 Oh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:13 And I'm sitting there, I'm thinking, oh, I can smell nappy. So I kind of turn— you know what I'm like— I turn around.

William Hanson 0:15:21 Patient.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:22 I can smell nappy. Well, I did, because I could smell— and they started speaking in Spanish. I was like, nappy! Smell of nappy! Took no notice. I had that smell wafting up my nostrils for 2 hours till we got back. Do you know when they finally decided to take this baby to go and change its nappy?

William Hanson 0:15:44 Gatwick?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:45 Just as the captain came back on to say, we'll be beginning our descent shortly, at which point they woke the baby up and changed the nappy. It was— oh, the smell was disgusting.

William Hanson 0:15:57 You should have spritzed them with some Lästereth Bruhath.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:59 I was— I mean, I had my antibac wipes out and I was wiping everything vigorously, hoping to try and get a bit of the smell that was from my wipes instead of this awful smell coming through the, the centre bit from this baby's nappy. Who does that?

William Hanson 0:16:14 Parents.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:15 And I just looked at the mother. I thought, can't you smell it?

William Hanson 0:16:19 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:19 She just sat there.

William Hanson 0:16:20 I thought the Spanish were meant to be clean.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:22 I don't think she was Spanish.

William Hanson 0:16:23 Oh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:24 She wasn't Spanish, but she was Spanish-speaking.

William Hanson 0:16:26 Oh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:27 You know what that's like, Rodrigo? Yes. So she— there was this smell coming through. I don't know if she was Peruvian or what.

William Hanson 0:16:32 No, I'm sure not.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:34 But I don't think she was Spanish. But they were— oh, this horrible smell. So I had that all the way back. But hey-ho, I got home safely. 20 minutes late, that was all in the end.

William Hanson 0:16:45 That's nothing. That's nothing. We were on time.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:47 Exactly.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:41 Welcome back, Buckheads. We're going to read your questions now, so let's dive into our heaving bags of post. If there's something on your mind that needs a luxury touch, postman@luxurypodcast.co.uk is the place for your queries and your questions. Also, a reminder, you can always watch these episodes on Patreon. If you join our Luxury Members Club. Just head over to luxurypodcast.co.uk to join.

William Hanson 0:19:06 This first one is from Helen. Hello, gorgeous boys. At the time you were in Frigg, I was on a Greek island. Maybe we both pondered a similar question: how does one remain luxury and classy whilst on the beach? Over the last few days, I've been enjoying the Grecian blue sea and skies. At times, I found my eyes drawn towards the varying degrees of undress, including the classic budgie smuggler for men and the return of the thong for women. That, at times, must wreak havoc on one's perineum.

Speaker I 0:19:35 Perineum.

William Hanson 0:19:38 Where is that?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:38 It's that bit there.

William Hanson 0:19:41 Right. Is that what some lower-class people might call the gooch?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:45 Whoa!

William Hanson 0:19:45 Am I right?

Speaker J 0:19:50 Sadie, you would've worked that out.

William Hanson 0:19:53 I think I'm right.

Speaker K 0:19:57 I think you are right.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:58 Yeah. Britain's leading etiquette consultant just said that. Oh, by the way, we'll come back to that in a second. I've just thought of something else.

William Hanson 0:20:09 Oh god.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:12 That effing Tim Frink! I'll tell you, get back to these letters, then we'll come back to that, William.

William Hanson 0:20:18 I found myself torn between embracing body positivity, whilst at the same time wondering whether letting everything hang or spill out around the edges is necessary or not. I stand zero chance of a tan, so it's easier and more comfortable for me to be the weirdo on the beach in a long dress, thus returning home as lily white as ever. What are your tips on remaining classy whilst enjoying the beach? Are you trunks wearers or the budgie smuggling type, or do you waft around in a cool linen suit, or something in between? Lots of love, Helen from Devon. The old slagbag. Her words.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:45 Helen!

William Hanson 0:20:46 Slaggy Helen.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:48 Slaggy, slaggy, slagbag Helen. Yeah.

William Hanson 0:20:52 Although not that much of a slag, 'cause she sounds like she's very well suitably covered and very modestly dressed at the beach.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:59 Oh yeah, but I don't— that's a bit silly, isn't it? Not wear a dress on the beach.

William Hanson 0:21:02 I mean, I think you've got— I do— when, when my colleague and I have this discussion, when has it become acceptable for women to basically wear dental floss as bikinis? Have you seen it where you literally see the entire arse?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:16 Oh yes.

William Hanson 0:21:16 And it's just a piece of dental floss up the arse.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:20 But what—

William Hanson 0:21:21 why?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:21 We didn't go to the beach in Spain.

William Hanson 0:21:24 Well, we sat— we did. We went and had the coffee.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:26 Oh yeah.

William Hanson 0:21:28 On Sunday.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:29 Well, yeah, but that wasn't actually on the beach, was it? If you go on the beach, on the beach, you get the boobies, don't you? Because a lot of women in Spain, they get the boobies out.

William Hanson 0:21:38 It's very Spanish, isn't it?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:39 So, you get the thong.

William Hanson 0:21:41 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:41 And then the boobies.

William Hanson 0:21:42 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:43 You get all that.

William Hanson 0:21:44 We try and avoid that. It causes me great embarrassment. I don't know where to put my face.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:55 My late mother, she used to— she used to go topless when we were on holiday in Spain. Did she? Yeah, she did. Yeah, yeah, she did.

William Hanson 0:22:02 VVS? Yeah, VVS.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:04 She used to go topless. And my dad used to go, oh, your mother's got her boobs out. She did.

William Hanson 0:22:09 And what age were you?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:10 Well, children.

William Hanson 0:22:13 Oh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:13 No, my mother always used to get her boobs out on holiday. When we were somewhere like that, I think she found it quite liberating.

William Hanson 0:22:20 Oh, take the bottom half off, why don't you?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:22 Oh, no, no, no, she didn't do that. No, she didn't do that. No, she always used to get the boobs out. Gosh. Well, you're on holiday, you know, aren't you?

William Hanson 0:22:31 To be fair, you got your moobs out.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:32 I did get my moobs out, and I didn't care. No.

William Hanson 0:22:35 No. Swinging them about.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:37 So I would say, as long as you're wearing something— I don't know. I mean, I'm a— for a man, I prefer a short.

William Hanson 0:22:45 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:45 I prefer a swim short.

William Hanson 0:22:47 I don't like a budgie smuggler.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:48 No, I don't think you want too much on display.

William Hanson 0:22:51 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:51 Um, and it's probably the same for women. It depends on your body. If you're conscious of your body, then it might be better to wear a swimming costume.

William Hanson 0:23:01 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:02 Whereas, you know, if you're feeling relaxed, a bikini's fine.

William Hanson 0:23:06 Just, I do ask for the male, female, however you identify, please cover your bum if it's a public environment.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:12 Cover your bottom.

William Hanson 0:23:13 Literally, my colleague and I, we were in the Middle East over Ramadan, 2 years ago, and we sat around the pool, and we thought, what? Like, that isn't— I don't think that's appropriate in our country, yet alone in the Middle East in Ramadan. Well, it was just— it's nothing.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:31 Wow.

William Hanson 0:23:31 And I just think, you know, modestly dressed, and we shouldn't see arse.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:34 Yeah. No, that's true. But I think when you see someone wearing too many clothes on the beach, that can look a bit ridiculous, can't it?

William Hanson 0:23:40 A nice floaty dress, you know, sort of—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:42 Floaty dress on the beach?

William Hanson 0:23:44 If you just, you don't want to sort of sunbathe, or you're self-conscious of your skin, I don't think there's anything— nice linen sort of thing.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:50 Well, I think if I saw someone with a full-on dress on the beach, I think, why has she bothered?

William Hanson 0:23:55 No, not like, you know, not a dress you'd wear, you know, out to cocktail party. Some sort of, you know, with a nice sort of floppy sun hat. Yeah, could be quite chic.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:03 Well, yes, I think it depends where you are. Yeah, if you're in Britain, you probably need to be a bit more conservative.

William Hanson 0:24:09 Have you noticed I've got a little bit of sort of Spiky comments off some of our clips from Frigg Round the Pool.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:15 Spiky?

William Hanson 0:24:16 Yeah, people don't seem to like the fact that I'm relaxed. You say, oh, well, I've relaxed and now people don't like it.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:22 Why? What have they said?

William Hanson 0:24:23 Oh, cap, t-shirt, what are those shoes? It's like, yes, I'm on holiday.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:28 Oh well, take no notice. What do you expect?

William Hanson 0:24:32 I mean, even for me, sort of being around the pool in a linen suit would be a bit much.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:36 Yes. I thought you looked very nice on holiday. You take no notice, William. Thank you.

William Hanson 0:24:41 What was the thing you were going to say?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:43 Well, the one thing I was going to say—

William Hanson 0:24:45 Am I gonna ask for this to be edited out?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:46 No, no, I don't— well, I don't think you are.

William Hanson 0:24:49 No?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:49 I don't think you are. But I don't know how much of it you remember, because you were very, very drunk.

William Hanson 0:24:54 What day?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:55 So, on the Sunday—

William Hanson 0:24:58 Oh god.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:58 On the last night, we'd had a lot to drink. And I don't say this to encourage it because honestly, ladies and gentlemen— Drink responsibly. Drink responsibly, not like we did. We had a lot to drink on that Sunday, didn't we? We had 3 bottles of wine for lunch. We had half a bottle of gin in the afternoon. Then we went for dinner and—

William Hanson 0:25:22 Another bottle of wine.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:22 Well, I had calmed down because I'd kind of hit my limit where I thought, do you know what? I need to calm down. But you were still on it. Weren't you? So, you ordered another bottle, and you and Freddy then decided that you both wanted to get pasta, but you thought it'd be quite a nice idea to share pasta dishes. Is this coming back to you?

William Hanson 0:25:45 Vaguely.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:46 You said, let's get a pasta bowl and we can share each other's pasta.

William Hanson 0:25:50 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:51 At which point, picture the scene. William is absolutely smashed in this restaurant. He's leaning over the table with a fork, gouging away at Freddie's pasta, trying to load it up on his fork. At which point, I'm looking at this thinking, I hope no one here knows who he is. So, and you're there basically eating Freddie's dinner, and he was eating yours.

William Hanson 0:26:22 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:23 And then as we got up, that Very nice lady and gentleman behind us went, so sorry, are you William? I thought, oh, thank goodness your back was to them. Because if they'd seen my eyes.

William Hanson 0:26:42 The restaurant did not provide a share plate.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:45 They did not. No. But it was lovely to see you properly relaxed.

William Hanson 0:26:51 Thank you.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:51 It was very funny.

William Hanson 0:26:53 Go on to Catherine's letter.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:54 Catherine says, dear Jonathan and William, is it rude for a friend who earns far more than I do and could comfortably pay for his own streaming services to keep asking to use mine? He regularly wants to visit during the day to watch films at my house, either while I'm out or while I'm working upstairs. I feel like this is rude, but I'm not entirely sure why, as it doesn't really cause any harm. I'm resistant to let him in. I'd very much appreciate your thoughts. Very best wishes, Catherine.

William Hanson 0:27:31 I mean, to actually then let yourself into your house or to come round, no, I think that's very odd.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:35 I'd be worried about what he's watching.

William Hanson 0:27:38 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:38 Showing up on your account.

William Hanson 0:27:40 Speaking of which, how's Paramount Plus going?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:50 I haven't watched anything on it for a long time.

William Hanson 0:27:55 Oh, I got a login thing the other day.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:57 Did you?

William Hanson 0:27:59 Yeah. From your part of the world.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:01 You sure that was me?

William Hanson 0:28:10 No, well, I don't know. It was from someone. Maybe it was your cat, your dog sitter.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:17 Was it while we were in Frigg?

William Hanson 0:28:20 No, no, it was a few weeks before that.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:21 Oh, right.

William Hanson 0:28:23 Okay. Well, I shall have a look what you watched.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:25 Yeah, I was gonna say, I shall have a look.

William Hanson 0:28:28 He should rivalry. The omnibus edition. Is that what it was? No, no.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:40 Well, I don't think I'll get John to have it for a while.

William Hanson 0:28:43 But I think this is weird, Katherine. You need to stop this. Yeah, stop it, 'cause you don't know what he's Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:47 Could be weirdo stuff. Well, there you go. I think that's more than enough luxury for today and indeed this week.

William Hanson 0:28:54 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:55 Oh, what fun we've had, William.

Speaker G 0:28:56 What fun.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:57 We'll be back, of course, next Wednesday for our main episode, but until then, goodbye!