Autumn

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:01:02 Hello and welcome to The Luxury Podcast. My name's Jonathan Vernon-Smith, and with me is William Hanson. This is the podcast that helps you live a more luxury life.

William Hanson 0:01:23 Hello, Jonathan and I are here to help you create the everyday moments of luxury that make life worth living. Whatever your budget.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:01:28 Now, in each episode of The Luxury Podcast, William and I tackle an area of life that we think you should upgrade, sorting the Onslows from the Hyacinths, advising the nation in gracious living. So, William, what are we going to talk about today?

William Hanson 0:01:41 We're talking about autumn, or for American Bucketheads,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:01:46 fall. Fall. Fall. Call it what you will, I fucking hate autumn. I hate it.

William Hanson 0:01:57 Why? Who hurt you? Was it Guy Fawkes?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:06 Oh, I really— I just have so much to say about autumn.

William Hanson 0:02:10 Well, that's just as well.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:11 I hate autumn. And I tell you what, and I don't know what your views are on autumn yet, but people who love autumn really irritate me as well.

William Hanson 0:02:21 I do quite like it. Oh,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:23 here we go.

William Hanson 0:02:24 I don't romanticise it as some people do, but I would much rather— in this country, spring and autumn are my favourite times of year.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:33 Spring, I get it. Spring, everything's coming to life. Summer's around the corner. Get your Speedos out. We're all looking forward to life in spring. Autumn, it's the beginning of the doom and the gloom.

William Hanson 0:02:49 Is it because things start to die?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:51 Death. It's the beginning of the death season.

William Hanson 0:02:54 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:54 It's the beginning of the cold, dark evenings and mornings. It's the beginning of back-to-back rain in the United Kingdom.

William Hanson 0:03:02 But you can go outside wearing a nice jumper.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:05 Oh, you can wear a jumper.

William Hanson 0:03:07 Yes, indeed. You are wearing a nice jumper. I am. You're wearing a jumper. It's sort of— Hang on

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:11 a minute. Hang on. Don't you like my new jumper?

William Hanson 0:03:13 Is it new?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:13 It's new.

William Hanson 0:03:15 It's very similar to the colour t-shirt I was wearing in Frigg. Were you inspired?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:19 I bought it in Frigg. Well, it's not from Frigg.

William Hanson 0:03:22 It's from Dunnes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:23 It was from— It was from Dunnes. No, it's not actually. From Zara. But I'll tell you about Dunnes in our bonus episode tomorrow. Okay, fine. I've got a lot to tell you about. No, I— Yes, I do like wearing a jumper. So you're right. That is—

William Hanson 0:03:41 So there's a positive. I'm going to— I'm determined in this episode, I'm going to find things that you actually do like about autumn.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:48 Okay, right.

William Hanson 0:03:49 I think you're just doing your usual victimology routine.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:52 No, no, genuinely.

William Hanson 0:03:52 You haven't thought this through.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:53 No, genuinely, autumn really annoys me. And I tell you what, do you know the expression that winds me up more about autumn than anything else? Oh, I love the crunchy leaves. I'd like to batter someone to death who likes the crunchy leaves. Leaves are nothing but a danger and a nuisance. There's nothing fun or crunchy about a leaf. Honestly, there's nothing fun about leaves. I hate them.

William Hanson 0:04:33 Right.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:34 I've got trees in my garden.

William Hanson 0:04:36 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:36 I've got a beautiful magnolia. I've got an apple tree. I've got a pear tree. The leaves aren't fun and crunchy.

William Hanson 0:04:41 Do you hoover them up?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:43 I have to hoover them up because they turn into a horrible smelly sludge. You could slip on them.

William Hanson 0:04:50 Yeah. You'd have to press your pendant.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:52 I'd have to press my pendant. They suffocate everything else in the garden. There's nothing fun and crunchy about a leaf.

William Hanson 0:04:59 To be fair, I would— I mean, I don't think leaves are the death traps that you're making them out to be. Obviously you could slip on them, but you could slip on thin air. But in the school, you know, we live behind a school. We're in front of a school. The school behind, at, well, now as of 8 AM, after we dealt with all that noise complaint last year, they will get their leaf blower out, and he cannot operate the leaf blower. How would you blow your leaves?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:25 Well, how do I blow my leaves?

William Hanson 0:05:28 Yes, tell me. You turn on your leaf blower.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:30 I turn on my leaf blower.

William Hanson 0:05:31 Is it on a consistent blow?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:34 Yes.

William Hanson 0:05:34 Yes. It is not. Hmm.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:37 Hmm. Hmm. Has he got a motorised one? Like one of those ones?

William Hanson 0:05:44 Yep.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:44 Oh.

William Hanson 0:05:45 That is very irritating.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:46 See, mine is battery operated.

William Hanson 0:05:48 Oh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:48 For a better class of leaf.

William Hanson 0:05:50 Well, I think I'm— Mike and I generally are thinking of buying the school and donating a proper leaf blower, because it— and it's every morning at 8 AM. Luckily, our bedroom is now at the front of the house and the school is at the back, so it doesn't really wake us up. But as we're pottering around, you know, getting ready, we can hear it, and we would like to—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:10 Hang on a minute. I thought you were supposed to be persuading me that autumn is a great time of the year.

William Hanson 0:06:14 No, no, it is.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:14 I'm getting wound up on your behalf about Captain Hopeless Leaf Blower.

William Hanson 0:06:18 And I've watched him do it. And also, I've watched him do it, there's hardly any leaves in the playground. They're so pathetic in that school with all the kids. That was the thing with the fire alarm. They had to test the fire alarm at 7 AM because they can't test it during school hours in case it upsets the kids. Oh, Well, you'll regret that when they burn to death and they don't know what it is when you actually have a fire and you haven't tested it.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:37 Exactly. Really? Is that the latest thing?

William Hanson 0:06:40 Yeah, that was their thing.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:41 Children can't now be exposed to the fire alarm because it might traumatise them.

William Hanson 0:06:45 Well, that's what they said. Yeah, that was one of their reasons.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:47 Broken Britain!

William Hanson 0:06:49 And now they can't slip on a leaf. They're character building if they did.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:53 Pathetic.

William Hanson 0:06:54 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:54 Isn't it?

William Hanson 0:06:55 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:56 Anyway, so you're not doing a very good job so far. We can all agree that leaves are a blooming nuisance.

William Hanson 0:07:00 How about sitting outside on one of your many seating areas in your garden?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:04 What, in the cold?

William Hanson 0:07:04 Yeah, with a nice sort of hot cup of coffee. Your pumpkin spice latte.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:10 Hang on, you're really not doing very well so far. Sitting outside in the garden that in the summer—

William Hanson 0:07:16 You're wrapped up warm.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:17 Is a joy to sit in. You want me to sit in the garden with a coat on, being cold?

William Hanson 0:07:22 Jonathan, I mean, you cook in the garden at all times of year.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:25 Yes, but I'm in and out. I mean, I don't stand out there. I get out, flop my meat on, get back in. I don't hang around. No.

William Hanson 0:07:41 Maybe you should and enjoy it.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:43 No, there's nothing fun about—

William Hanson 0:07:44 Curl up with a book.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:45 Being outside in the cold. I mean, I have to— I've got dogs, so I have to take my dogs out.

William Hanson 0:07:51 But is it not easier walking with them in the autumn?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:54 No.

William Hanson 0:07:55 Why not?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:56 Because normally it's raining. I have a very short window of opportunity to walk them, because if I haven't walked them by half past 3 come December, then it's pitch black. I've got 2 black dogs, can't find them. So, I've got a very limited window of opportunity.

William Hanson 0:08:14 Do you not put a luminous sort of tag on?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:15 I do. I put— no, I put luminous collars on, 'cause otherwise, literally, you can't see them. They disappear into the— and I'm like, where the hell have the dogs gone? So I have to have them, you know, flashing away in the countryside. But it's a horrible time to walk the dogs. Everything's muddy. Come back caked in mud, constantly bringing dogs in and making them lie on towels until they've dried off. There's nothing fun about this at all.

William Hanson 0:08:41 But do you get the lovely colour of the leaves? That lovely sort of rust colour?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:46 Death. That's the colour of death. Dying, decaying leaves.

William Hanson 0:08:52 You're not very jolly really, are you?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:54 Well, I thought you were supposed to be persuading me that actually there are positives. I've come up with some positives.

William Hanson 0:08:59 All right, what's the positive?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:00 Because I knew this was going to happen. I just knew you were going to be Traitors!

William Hanson 0:09:04 If you're watching Traitors, that comes on in the autumn now.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:07 I haven't watched last night's episode. No,

William Hanson 0:09:09 I— neither have I.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:10 Have you not?

William Hanson 0:09:10 Well, I watched the start of it.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:11 Okay, well, I didn't. But yeah, no, that's true. Traitors comes on.

William Hanson 0:09:17 And if you like that sort of thing, Strictly.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:19 And there—

William Hanson 0:09:20 Anyone still watching?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:21 There are some positives, and they come in the form of 2 things. Number one, slow cooker.

William Hanson 0:09:30 Oh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:30 Now, my slow cooker—

William Hanson 0:09:33 Inside or outside?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:34 Outside, of course.

William Hanson 0:09:36 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:36 My slow cooker lives in the shed. And I will very shortly— in fact, on my shop for this weekend, I've ordered ingredients to do my infamous coconut chicken.

William Hanson 0:09:46 Oh!

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:48 Is

William Hanson 0:09:49 this maybe what we might be having at the intergen? Or are you doing—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:52 you're doing—

William Hanson 0:09:53 no, aren't you doing a picanha?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:56 I was thinking I might do a couple of picanhas out of my tomato.

William Hanson 0:09:59 I think do a picanha.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:00 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:10:00 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:00 I think a couple of picado, but what are they called? Couple of— I'm going to do a couple of picados, but I am going to do my coconut chicken in the slow cooker. So, and I do like kind of an autumnal dish. And an autumnal soup.

William Hanson 0:10:24 Have you ever done pork and cider?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:28 That's very autumnal. Is it really?

William Hanson 0:10:32 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:33 Yeah. So, I do—

William Hanson 0:10:35 Oh, I used to do a lovely— do you know, it's coming back to me now.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:38 A what?

William Hanson 0:10:38 A pork and cranberry casserole.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:41 Oh, yes.

William Hanson 0:10:42 That was nice. Where's that recipe gone? Oh, I'm going to do that.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:48 Now, you see, that's nice and autumnal.

William Hanson 0:10:51 Yes, you can't have that in the height of summer, can you? It's just salads and dried chicken.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:54 That's, well, pretty much. And a steak. Steak. I like a steak in the summer as well.

William Hanson 0:10:59 Is picanha actually that autumnal?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:01 Not really, no. It's a summer dish, really.

William Hanson 0:11:04 What do they say? What's the— obviously autumnal is the, uh, is it adjectival word that we use? Or do we— yeah, adjectival word. Yeah. What's the American version? Fall-all? What do they say? Fall-like? How do they describe— if they said, oh, it's feeling very autumnal today, they just say it's feeling very fall today?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:25 Fallen?

William Hanson 0:11:26 Fallen?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:27 I don't know.

William Hanson 0:11:28 Felled?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:28 Felled? No, I'm not sure.

William Hanson 0:11:30 Yeah. American Bucketheads, write in, let us know.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:33 Yes, do. So, can we agree then that there are some nice autumnal dishes?

William Hanson 0:11:37 Yes. Okay, top 3 favourite autumnal dishes. Go.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:42 Oh, coconut chicken! Chilli con carne.

William Hanson 0:11:46 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:47 I like a chilli— Why are you looking at me like that? I like a chilli con carne. What's wrong with a chilli con carne?

William Hanson 0:11:51 No, I do. I like a chilli con carne, but since I've been married, we have not been allowed chilli con carne. We're not married, actually. It's got nothing to do with marriage. Mikey doesn't like it. Doesn't like cumin.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:59 Does he not?

William Hanson 0:12:00 Apparently not. I said he'd like my cumin.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:02 I'm—

William Hanson 0:12:04 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:05 Jonathan?

William Hanson 0:12:06 Jonathan.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:07 I'm pleased you told me that, 'cause I might have done a chilli con carne.

William Hanson 0:12:11 No, we're doing a pecanha.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:13 Well, I'm gonna do a pecanha. Make sure I don't put any coombe in on it.

William Hanson 0:12:16 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:16 Right, so that, and lamb shank.

William Hanson 0:12:18 Oh! Ooh,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:19 I love a lamb shank, me. Yes.

William Hanson 0:12:27 You gotta do something with those nights.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:37 I do. I love a lamb shank with some lovely creamy mash.

William Hanson 0:12:46 Oh, you don't care.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:48 No, no, I don't. Well, that's the other joy.

William Hanson 0:12:52 Yeah,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:52 there is one other benefit to autumn. You can pull the ripcord a bit.

William Hanson 0:12:56 You can toad in the hole.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:57 Nobody sees the fat back as much as they do when you enter the autumn and the winter months. Yes. Well, people might see yours, but mine—

William Hanson 0:13:18 No one's seen that for a while.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:31 You don't tell no lies. Now… So I think there is— there are some fun moments to autumn. But they're few and far between.

William Hanson 0:13:40 Fireworks.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:41 No, that's not fun.

William Hanson 0:13:43 Oh, 'cause you're gonna go on about your dog burning.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:45 Oh, I'm so sorry! The trauma that animals have to endure because of your explosive fun.

William Hanson 0:14:04 But you must like Bond, finally. What do you do with your pettine? Pettine? Pettine bobbin.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:12 You've just reminded me of my— you know my grandmother who lived to 100?

William Hanson 0:14:21 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:22 She was so deaf towards the end of her life. And I— she died in 2015. So Poppy was a little puppy when I took her to see her, and I thought it was a good thing to expose Poppy to the elderly. So I took her to this care home.

William Hanson 0:14:39 Paying dividends now.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:41 My grandmother, she could not hear the name of this dog. Oh, it's a nice dog. What's it called? Poppy. Bobby? Poppy. Bobby? Poppy. Bobby? This went on and on and on. So, yes.

William Hanson 0:15:01 Not Etiquette Granny, but my other granny called our dog, who was called Dido, named after the Greek goddess of love, occasionally was called Dildo.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:11 Well, it was always going to happen. It was always going to happen, yes. Yeah, quite.

William Hanson 0:15:19 So, what do you do with Poppy and Betty.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:22 Poppy and Betty.

William Hanson 0:15:23 On fireworks night, bonfire night?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:25 Well, I keep them indoors.

William Hanson 0:15:27 Shut all the windows?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:29 Yeah, of course I shut the windows. November? I don't have the windows open, am I?

William Hanson 0:15:34 We still sleep with the window open, just a little crack at night.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:37 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:15:37 Just to let some fresh air in.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:38 Yeah, but downstairs where the dogs are. My dogs don't go upstairs. So downstairs, keep all the windows shut, curtains drawn, have the radio on, television on. and hope that, you know, they don't get too wound up.

William Hanson 0:15:50 Can you get earplugs for dogs? Or like ear—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:53 like— No.

William Hanson 0:15:54 Protectors?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:55 No. So, when both of them were young— so, the main thing to do with dogs, and this is a bit of advice for anyone thinking of getting a dog. When you get a puppy, you have a— what's known as the imprinting stage, which runs until they're about 16 weeks old. And you must expose them to everything before they're 16 weeks old. If they're not exposed to it, they'll always be frightened of it.

William Hanson 0:16:18 Oh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:19 So, when I got my Betty, it was in the middle of the summer. So obviously, I had to expose her to fireworks. So, you can go on to the likes of YouTube.

William Hanson 0:16:30 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:30 And you can play sound effects of fireworks. So, I used to do a whole hour-long, massive, loud firework display in the kitchen, I'll mute you. In the middle of summer. Yeah.

William Hanson 0:16:44 Could you not have just gone and bought a firework and let one off in the garden?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:47 Well, I could have done, but if you just play it— I used to say, play fireworks in the kitchen, and all these bangs and crashes would go off.

William Hanson 0:16:58 Katy Perry fires up.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:00 And I'd be having a lovely old time, and she'd be hearing all of this and wasn't there. So you kind of desensitise them to the sound.

William Hanson 0:17:06 That's nice.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:07 However—

William Hanson 0:17:07 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:09 Poppy, still, having done that with Poppy, she's not that keen.

William Hanson 0:17:11 Right. So, it doesn't really work.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:13 Well, no, it does work, but, you know, she's not— some dogs, you know, they're a trembling wreck and you have to sedate them.

William Hanson 0:17:19 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:19 But mine are okay.

William Hanson 0:17:21 But do you not like— okay, pre-dogs, did you not sort of go around a bonfire on Bonfire Night with your little sparkler and watch the fireworks go up?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:28 No. Well, yes, I did, but I can't stand it.

William Hanson 0:17:31 No, I think that's quite fun if you're there for a short half an hour. It doesn't need to be longer than that.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:35 don't like it.

William Hanson 0:17:35 Okay. Gingerbread men? Gingerbread women?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:37 No.

William Hanson 0:17:38 Gingerbread people?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:39 I hate them.

William Hanson 0:17:39 Oh, too bad. I don't like ginger.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:41 I went to a firework display in St Albans once, and, uh, the firework display— they have it down in Verulamium Park, and it's around the lake.

William Hanson 0:17:51 Yep.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:52 And on this lake, there's lots of wildlife. And I'll never forget, I was standing there with these friends, and we were watching all the fireworks going off, and all of a sudden, I just felt something on my foot. Oh. And I looked down, and it was a panicking duck. What? I'm sorry, why are we laughing at my panicking duck? It was a duck in a panic.

William Hanson 0:18:13 Because it was on your foot?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:14 No.

William Hanson 0:18:16 Was it getting in a flap?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:17 It was in a panic because its entire home was just being blown up. I mean, the whole— imagine those ducks living on that lake, and all of a sudden the whole thing turns into a war zone on a Saturday night for the entertainment of humans. I'm sorry to be a party pooper, but I'm not keen on fireworks either. Keep going.

William Hanson 0:18:36 You're

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:38 running out of ideas. I'm bringing you down, aren't I? Yes, you are.

William Hanson 0:18:41 I wanna slit my wrists. I'm sitting here, not loving it at all. I— now, something I don't like about this time of year—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:50 Go on.

William Hanson 0:18:51 Is it is normally, in my experience, when I have had incidents—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:55 Halloween.

William Hanson 0:18:56 Oh, well, Halloween. Yeah, I hate that. No, something scarier than Halloween. When I have had incidents with things like—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:03 Spiders.

William Hanson 0:19:03 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:04 Oh.

William Hanson 0:19:04 What am I most scared of?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:06 Rats.

William Hanson 0:19:07 And mice.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:07 And mice.

William Hanson 0:19:08 And my experience is, having done a bit of Googling—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:10 They come in from the— from the—

William Hanson 0:19:12 Yeah, because it's suddenly getting cold, and that's when it's going to happen. Or they're out. Winter generally, touch wood, you don't see as many because they are—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:22 Dead. Well, sorry. No, that's fine. They are where I live.

William Hanson 0:19:26 Oh, good. Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:28 Killed them all by then. Right.

William Hanson 0:19:30 They come around mine. But yeah, I generally, that's when I start to hear them in walls.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:39 Oh.

William Hanson 0:19:39 Or whatever.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:40 Well, so hang on a minute. So, in the space of a couple of minutes, we've got the rats and the mice, the spiders, Halloween.

William Hanson 0:19:48 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:49 There are So many negatives to this time of year.

William Hanson 0:19:51 So many negatives.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:52 Yeah, I've ruined it for you.

William Hanson 0:19:54 But I do like it gives you a better wardrobe.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:57 Autumn?

William Hanson 0:19:59 Yeah, because you can do— I think British people dress better not in the hot climate.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:04 Well, let's talk about your attire today, because you've already drawn attention to my new luxury sweater.

William Hanson 0:20:10 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:10 For a better class of holidaymaker. You seem to be wearing— you've got some kind of cricket trousers on, haven't you?

William Hanson 0:20:18 I'm in a— so, let's— we'll look— to go top first.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:23 Crushed aubergine rugby top.

William Hanson 0:20:24 I'd say it's more maroon.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:25 Oh, I don't know. You blend with the muscle chair.

William Hanson 0:20:29 It's a maroon sort of rugby top.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:31 And you've got a thermal vest on underneath?

William Hanson 0:20:33 No, it's just a t-shirt.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:34 Okay.

William Hanson 0:20:35 Thank you. It's a white t-shirt. And then, yeah, I've got some

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:38 cricket trousers.

William Hanson 0:20:40 Cricket trousers.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:41 Yes.

William Hanson 0:20:41 But in a nice sort of stretchy fabric, because I've had a spray tan again.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:46 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:20:46 Because I'm going to LA tomorrow, and I want to look, you know, sun-kissed and gorgeous.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:50 The problem is, I don't know if you're aware, on left leg, your spray tan started soaking through your trousers.

William Hanson 0:20:57 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:57 So, you've got a brown stain appearing on your leg.

William Hanson 0:21:01 Yep. That's going to look great. And no one's going to sit next to me on the Elizabeth Line home, are they?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:05 Fantastic. No, they're not. No. Oh, William.

William Hanson 0:21:11 But yeah, I just needed to wear something floaty that didn't cling or rub.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:14 You look very comfortable.

William Hanson 0:21:16 I am comfortable, and this isn't quite what I would normally wear. to the place of work. But I thought, at time of recording, it's a Friday.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:23 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:21:24 And the spray tan doesn't need to rub off.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:27 See, I'm getting so used to seeing you in your spray tan.

William Hanson 0:21:30 Exactly.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:31 I've forgotten what your real colour is.

William Hanson 0:21:32 Well, I'll tell you more about the spray tans maybe in a bonus. Just finally, before we go to listeners' correspondence.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:39 Yes.

William Hanson 0:21:40 Do you light a different type of candle around the home? Do you have different scents depending on what time of year?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:46 Yes, I do. I like that one, and I can never remember the name of it, but I do like to buy it and it in the autumn, that one that goes with the log burner, because that's the other thing. Feu de bois. Feu de bois.

William Hanson 0:21:57 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:57 This is what I like about this time of the year, that first evening where I light the log burner.

William Hanson 0:22:02 The smell of a bonfire is lovely.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:04 Well, where I live, because I'm very pleased to say I live not in a smoke-free zone, you can smoke as much as you want where I live, and people do. So from the autumn on, When you come out of my front door, the whole village smells of wood fire throughout the whole winter. It's lovely.

William Hanson 0:22:24 Lovely. Like Pudding Lane.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:25 Yeah, it's really nice. So that with the candle is a very nice aroma in the autumn.

William Hanson 0:22:31 Yeah, that's nice. Yeah. Ombre Nuit.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:33 Ombre Nuit? Absolutely.

William Hanson 0:22:35 They do it in a candle now.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:36 Do they?

William Hanson 0:22:36 I bought one the other day.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:37 I'm wearing that today.

William Hanson 0:22:38 So am I!

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:39 Stop it!

William Hanson 0:22:41 I'm eau de parfum. They gave me a sample. You're probably Eau de Toilette.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:46 I am most certainly not.

William Hanson 0:22:48 You're Eau de Parfum.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:49 Of course I am. I've got a big bottle.

William Hanson 0:22:51 The big— no, they don't do Eau de Parfum in big bottles.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:53 I got a big one at the airport.

William Hanson 0:22:56 Then that is Eau de Toilette.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:57 Is it?

William Hanson 0:22:59 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:59 Are you sure?

William Hanson 0:23:00 Eau de Parfum has the black lid, the darker packaging. It's the same price, and it's only about that big because it's stronger.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:06 Oh no, I've got a big one.

William Hanson 0:23:07 Right.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:08 Very big.

William Hanson 0:23:08 That's Eau de Toilette.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:09 And it was very expensive.

William Hanson 0:23:11 Eau de toilette.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:12 But I love it.

William Hanson 0:23:13 Yeah, it's gorgeous. Anyway, they do a candle now.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:15 That is a nice smell in autumn. Gorgeous smell. Yeah, very much so.

William Hanson 0:23:18 Oh!

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:18 What's that?

William Hanson 0:23:20 I think it's the phone.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:21 I better get it. It's bound to be someone very important.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:16 Welcome back, Bucketheads. We've been discussing autumn, and it's now time for your questions. So let's check out our heaving bags of post. If there's something on your mind that needs a luxury touch, postman@luxurypodcast.co.uk is the place for your queries. And your questions. Also, a reminder, you can always watch these episodes on Patreon if you join our Luxury Members Club. So, head over to luxurypodcast.co.uk to join.

William Hanson 0:25:44 This first one is from April. Dear Jonathan, as in it's from someone called April, presumably not, we just haven't got around to answering it.

William Hanson 0:25:52 What are your thoughts on people who decorate for the season? My neighbour has a sign on their front door, which is a pumpkin garland, likely from B&M, which reads, Welcome to our patch.

William Hanson 0:26:03 To make things worse, it was put up at the beginning of August. I'm all for embracing the season, but it all feels a bit too much and borderline tacky. Thank you again for the many laughs. I'm coming to see you both in November in luxury Walthamstow, and I also have tickets to see William for the second time as Mother Ruth in Titanic. With love, April.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:20 Oh, April.

William Hanson 0:26:21 That's fast approaching.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:22 Well, I have seen one or two— one or two of my neighbours have had what I consider to be quite classy garland. Got like wreaths. Yes, wreaths for the door.

William Hanson 0:26:31 As long as, again, same rules as a Christmas wreath. Real.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:34 Yeah, it's got to be real.

William Hanson 0:26:36 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:36 And but the colour's quite nice.

William Hanson 0:26:38 That's all right.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:38 And on a, you know, if you, if you live in the countryside and you've got a nice, uh, National Trust green front door or something like that with an autumnal wreath.

William Hanson 0:26:46 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:46 I think that can look okay.

William Hanson 0:26:47 That's okay, but that's as far as you need to go.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:49 Absolutely. Anyone with a pumpkin should be tasered. Anyone with cobwebs outside their house that aren't real—

William Hanson 0:26:56 Should be tasered.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:57 Taser them, waterboard them. Call me old-fashioned, but there you have it. There's no need for it.

William Hanson 0:27:02 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:03 And anything plastic outside your house—

William Hanson 0:27:05 ugh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:05 Do

William Hanson 0:27:06 you get rid of your hanging baskets at autumn?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:08 I knew you were gonna bring my hang— I looked at your face. I know you so well, and I could tell from your eyes where you're going. And I thought, he's gonna bring my hanging baskets.

William Hanson 0:27:17 Do your autumnal hanging baskets— No, I don't.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:19 No.

William Hanson 0:27:19 They've died off by then.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:20 They're starting to look a bit straggly now.

William Hanson 0:27:22 Well.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:22 And what happens is they start to look straggly, and then they go, dare I say,

William Hanson 0:27:27 Whiffy. Oh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:28 I get a whiffy basket.

William Hanson 0:27:29 You don't want that.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:30 I do not want to whiff. And as soon as they go whiffy, they go straight in the green bin.

William Hanson 0:27:34 Well, before the last collection.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:36 Before the last collection.

William Hanson 0:27:37 Talking of our green bin, we had our green bin collected this week, and they didn't take the 2— my sunflowers have died, so I, you know, snapped them off, stuck them in the green bin. Everything else went from the green bin other than these 2 sunflowers, which I thought was very odd.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:49 Really?

William Hanson 0:27:50 Literally, there was other stuff in there.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:52 What, so they what, took them out?

William Hanson 0:27:53 Well, they must have done, because they're just both in there. Still. Because I went to go and put something else in there, and I was like, oh, it's 2 sunflowers. Isn't that weird?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:02 That is odd.

William Hanson 0:28:03 Is there something odd about sunflowers? They don't want to collect sunflowers.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:05 I've never heard of that before. No. Mind you, you live in London.

William Hanson 0:28:09 Well, what's that got to do with it?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:12 Well, I don't know. People can be funny. Maybe you can get drugs out of them.

William Hanson 0:28:15 Oh? No, that's poppy seeds, isn't it?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:17 Oh, is it poppy?

William Hanson 0:28:18 Poppy seeds is opium, isn't it?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:20 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I think so.

William Hanson 0:28:21 Not sunflowers.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:21 Chris has been in touch, William. Says, hi Jonathan and William. I have a bit of an issue with autumn, and that's because I think people— oh yes, well done, Chris— I think people romanticise it too much. Everyone says, ooh, because they always have that voice, don't they? Ooh, I can't wait for a cosy season and the crunchy leaves and the roaring fires.

William Hanson 0:28:45 But roaring fires are nice!

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:47 When in actual fact, it's going to be rainy, dark, and cold. Am I being a bit bah humbug, or do you see where I'm coming from? Well, I refer you to the—

William Hanson 0:28:56 Refer to most of the episodes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:58 First half of this episode, Chris. Yeah, I

William Hanson 0:29:01 don't think with any season you should sort of get too excited about it. You can appreciate it, but sort of— Oh,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:08 I love summer.

William Hanson 0:29:09 Making it all part of your whole—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:10 I love summer. And you see, in the same way that I'm sure there'll be some people listening who will be irritated by me, that's fine. I genuinely don't care because I get really irritated in the summer when you get the old, oh, it's too hot. I can't stand this hot weather. 'Cause they always talk like that, don't they?

William Hanson 0:29:31 They do.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:31 Oh my God, it's so— I hate the hot. You know, they should be horsewhipped. So, I feel the same way about those people as I'm sure those people feel about me now with my negative autumnal comments.

William Hanson 0:29:44 I don't like that. I've said this before. I don't like it when people then are talking about being too hot. Like, you can say once. I think you're allowed to say once, gosh, it's hot, isn't it? And that's that. But by talking about it, I feel hotter. Like, let's pretend it's not hot.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:57 But just say it in a jazzy way. Oh, it's so hot, isn't it?

William Hanson 0:30:00 Feeling hot, hot.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:02 Yes.

William Hanson 0:30:03 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:03 Isn't it hot? It's a nice positive thing. It's summer, supposed to be hot, isn't it?

William Hanson 0:30:08 Oh, need to talk about air conditioning. I'll do it in a bonus.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:11 Oh God. Okay, the saga continues. This is it? Oh no.

William Hanson 0:30:16 This is from Horatio.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:19 Ooh, poor.

William Hanson 0:30:20 There once was a man called Horatio. He did a good— No, we'll carry on.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:25 I— I don't know that one. How does it go?

William Hanson 0:30:28 I'll tell you later. I would be—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:30 Oh, I get it. I've just had a guess. It's like, Mary had a little lamb. She also had a duck. She put them on the mantelpiece to see if they'd fall off. Anyway, back to Horatio.

William Hanson 0:30:56 I would be fascinated to hear your opinion on how to deal with dreary autumn small talk in a luxury fashion, e.g., have you put the heating on? I guess, do you know what? Maybe it is true. Horatio, I think, like, you never talk about your dreams. No one's interested in your days.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:13 No, boring.

William Hanson 0:31:14 Unless something absolutely filthy happened, and then we might be interested. And you should never talk about when you put your heating on.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:19 Oh no, I love talking about when you put your heating on.

William Hanson 0:31:21 Oh, Jonathan.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:22 Have you put yours on?

William Hanson 0:31:22 Well, we did turn it on this morning.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:24 I've had mine on for 2 days. 2 days?

William Hanson 0:31:28 2 days. Someone's earning.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:29 I set it at a heady 21 degrees.

William Hanson 0:31:32 Oh, 19.5.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:33 19.5? You tight git. 19.5? Oh, I like it balmy.

William Hanson 0:31:41 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:41 Oh, 21. And that's 21, and then I like the log burner as well, you see. Oh yes.

William Hanson 0:31:47 Bye-bye planet.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:48 Gotta be toasty.

William Hanson 0:31:54 Yeah, well, think how the planet feels.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:57 So yes, I have put the heating on.

William Hanson 0:32:04 Be part of the solution, not the problem, Jonathan.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:07 Okay, Andrew's been in touch. He says, gentlemen—

William Hanson 0:32:11 Oh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:11 Autumn seems to be the season when one can, when one can finally justify all manner of extravagances in the name of comfort. Cashmere throws, scented candles, excellent red wine, and roaring log fires. But what are your essential autumnal luxuries, And which are merely expensive affectations? Is there a way to create the atmosphere of a beautifully appointed country house without actually owning one or having the requisite inherited wealth?

William Hanson 0:32:46 Now, I'll tell you what television shows lend themselves to autumn: Downton Abbey.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:51 Oh, yes.

William Hanson 0:32:52 I refuse to watch Downton in the summer. Doesn't work. But in the autumn, gorgeous.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:57 But isn't the same to be said for The Crown?

William Hanson 0:32:59 Yeah, a little bit, but they do do episodes in, in tropical places. But yes, it's generally grey, gloomy, miserable London.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:07 Yeah,

William Hanson 0:33:07 that's true. But Downton in particular— The Crown is lovely. I think the first couple of series are particularly excellent. But Downton is just a nice cosy comfort blanket of a show, whereas The Crown, obviously, particularly as it progresses on, a bit of an edge to it that Downton doesn't have.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:21 Do you have any rooms in your house that you close off for autumn?

William Hanson 0:33:25 No, we're not— I mean, we're not the semi-staterooms at Windsor Castle.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:27 Because I generally close off the conservatory.

William Hanson 0:33:31 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:31 Come autumn, the conservatory doors are shut and they don't reopen until March.

William Hanson 0:33:36 Do you just put little pine cones on the chairs to stop people from sitting on

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:39 them? I do. I close it off. It's shut for winter.

William Hanson 0:33:43 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:44 I'll reopen it for the intergenerational.

William Hanson 0:33:47 Oh,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:48 specifically.

William Hanson 0:33:49 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:49 But it's normally closed because it just is freezing cold in there.

William Hanson 0:33:54 It is. It's a funny old room. It's either boiling hot or it's freezing cold. No, I mean, I do put out a blanket on the sofa. It's just, you know, for if you want

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:03 to wrap

William Hanson 0:34:03 yourself up and get all cosy. The candles change. We do a Polo Ralph Lauren, do a nice Saint-Germain candle. That's always autumn.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:14 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:34:15 And we burn through that, and then we switch to Diptyque Sapin

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:18 for

William Hanson 0:34:18 Christmas pine.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:19 You devil!

William Hanson 0:34:20 Yeah,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:21 you devil.

William Hanson 0:34:22 Um,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:22 it's quite nice to go to bed early in the autumn as well, isn't it? Because you know me, I love an early night. I know you don't now. I know.

William Hanson 0:34:29 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:29 With your new lifestyle where you're going out clubbing until 4. But I do like to go to bed early. And in the summer,

William Hanson 0:34:40 you

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:40 know, in the height of summer, when it's a beautiful hot evening and I'm thinking of going to bed at 8, 8:30, when it's still gorgeous out there, you think, I can't go to bed yet.

William Hanson 0:34:50 Whereas in the autumn?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:51 Whereas in the autumn, lovely, isn't it?

William Hanson 0:34:54 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:54 8 o'clock, get under the duvet, all cosy, put a bit of Benadorm on. It's fantastic. Beautiful.

William Hanson 0:35:01 I am finding the flowers that we're getting on our flower delivery service to be quite disappointing at this time of year.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:06 The flowers that you get on your flower delivery service?

William Hanson 0:35:09 We have a subscription.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:10 Do you?

William Hanson 0:35:11 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:12 I think you've mentioned this before.

William Hanson 0:35:14 Yeah, every Wednesday.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:15 Yeah, fresh-cut flowers.

William Hanson 0:35:17 Fresh-cut, new stems on a Wednesday.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:19 Only you. Although, you know, you gave me those beautiful hydrangeas.

William Hanson 0:35:24 Oh, have you dried them out?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:25 Oh no, I threw them away. Oh, should I have dried them out?

William Hanson 0:35:28 Well, no, don't. I'm not judging because I've never dried out hydrangeas, but my colleague Jo, who also does hydrangeas, you know, likes to have hydrangeas around the house, she then hangs them upside down and dries them, and then they'll sort of— you can get a whole year out of them.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:40 Oh, well, they were lovely.

William Hanson 0:35:42 Thank

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:43 you. You gave me those flowers.

William Hanson 0:35:44 Yep.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:45 And they arrived shortly, well, probably 2 weeks before Frigg.

William Hanson 0:35:49 Yep.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:50 And when I was getting ready, getting the house ready for my luxury dog sitter with executive features, they were still looking nice on the dining table. So I sent her a message. I said, I've left the hydrangeas. Feel free to dispose of them should they go past their best.

William Hanson 0:36:05 And on what day did she get rid of them?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:36:06 I'm not sure, but they had gone when I got back.

William Hanson 0:36:09 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:36:09 But they look lovely. Yeah, hydrangeas, they last. They do last.

William Hanson 0:36:12 They're a good flower.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:36:13 They are. They certainly are. Oh, well. William.

William Hanson 0:36:17 So we still hate autumn. Well, you do.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:36:20 I've always hated it, and I feel as if I've converted you.

William Hanson 0:36:23 I am beginning to go off it now, yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:36:25 Rather than the other way. It's a dreadful, sickening time of the year.

William Hanson 0:36:30 Rank your seasons.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:36:30 Oh, okay, easy. Summer, spring, autumn, winter.

William Hanson 0:36:35 Oh, well, maybe we'll do a whole episode on winter.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:36:39 A winter's the worst.

William Hanson 0:36:40 Alright, save your opprobrium.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:36:43 Well, I think now we've cheered you all up, that's more than enough luxury for today. We'll leave it there for now. We will be back, of course, tomorrow for one of our bonus episodes. And I have a sneaky feeling tomorrow we'll be bringing a bit of sunshine.

William Hanson 0:36:56 Stretching it out another week.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:37:00 Indeed. But until then, goodbye!