Halloween (Take Two)

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:01:05 Ooh, hello and welcome to The Luxury Podcast. My name's Jonathan Vernon-Smith, and with me is William Hanson. This is the podcast that helps you live a more luxury spooky life.

William Hanson 0:01:23 Hello, Jonathan and I are here to help you create the everyday moments of luxury that make life worth living. Whatever your budget. Jonathan's just trying to stick his stick through my hole. If you're watching, you'll see what he's trying to do.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:01:40 Now— My big white hole. Look at it. It's a big white hole. In each episode of The Luxury Podcast, my stick is red and angry. In each episode of The Luxury Podcast, William and I tackle an area of life that we think you should upgrade Sorting the onslows from the hyacinths, advising the nation in gracious living. So, William, what are we going— can you stop twirling your stick in front of me? It's so distracting. What are we going to talk about today?

William Hanson 0:02:16 Well, it's that time of year again. We're talking about Halloween. And we should say, if you're listening to this, we are currently low-key dressed up for Halloween because we've been forced to.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:27 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:02:27 Sadie's not here today, but she has bought at no expense some costumes from Amazon. I am dressed in white wings and a halo with a white stick in the shape of a heart with some lace embellishments.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:42 You're a spooky angel.

William Hanson 0:02:43 I'm a— I don't think I'm spooky.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:48 You are. I think I'm— What do you think? You look angelic?

William Hanson 0:02:53 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:53 Oh, there you are.

William Hanson 0:02:55 And Jonathan is a horny devil.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:57 Oh, yes, I'm an angry, horny devil.

William Hanson 0:03:02 With red horns, red wings, and a red stick. A devil's trident.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:08 Indeed. Now, let's just rip the plaster off, shall we?

William Hanson 0:03:12 Yep.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:12 We're not Halloween fans.

William Hanson 0:03:14 No. Even less so in the last 5 minutes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:16 That's true.

William Hanson 0:03:18 There was some— Jack was trying to get your wings on, and you and he nearly came to blows because you were putting them on in a—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:26 No, I wasn't. He was putting my wings on for me back to front. Back to front, upside down.

William Hanson 0:03:32 They were upside down, to be honest with you.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:36 Anyway, do they suit me? I quite like being a devil.

William Hanson 0:03:39 They do actually, and the fact you're in a darker jumper sort of works, and you've put your headphones over your devil horns, which work.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:48 Yes, and my big red angry face.

William Hanson 0:03:50 Tones beautifully.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:52 Perfect for the devil.

William Hanson 0:03:54 There's even red in your check shirt.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:56 That's right.

William Hanson 0:03:56 Which is nice.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:57 Themed it all.

William Hanson 0:03:58 You have themed it all.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:00 Now, we've obviously done a Halloween episode before, Well, I sense if this podcast continues, we will every year.

William Hanson 0:04:06 Maybe we come to an end before Halloween next year, just to avoid—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:11 Do you want to pack it in?

William Hanson 0:04:13 Yeah, or we'll go on hiatus. We'll take all of October off. Ditto Christmas, to be honest, because that's— I mean, how do you— you do that every year, don't we?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:22 Yeah, well, it's okay. We can zhuzh it up every year.

William Hanson 0:04:26 Well, we're going to try and zhuzh this up. However, And I haven't broken this to you, and I don't really— because I, last year, I'm very anti-Halloween. There are lots of articles, there are lots of news clippings, videos on Instagram where I am very anti-Halloween.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:41 Oh my gosh, you're holding a party, aren't you, Neil?

William Hanson 0:04:44 No, no, I'm not holding a party.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:46 You're celebrating—

William Hanson 0:04:48 But you can be invited.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:48 Well, I was gonna say—

William Hanson 0:04:49 I'm attending one.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:51 Oh, William.

William Hanson 0:04:53 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:55 Oh no.

William Hanson 0:04:55 I was sort of low-key begged to come to this event by my friend.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:00 Right.

William Hanson 0:05:01 Who quote-unquote needs to get the numbers up.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:03 Gosh, yeah.

William Hanson 0:05:05 But yeah, I should be going this year to my very first and possibly my very last Halloween party.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:12 But what is it going to be?

William Hanson 0:05:14 I think it's just drinks and costume.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:16 Right.

William Hanson 0:05:17 I don't think it's anything more.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:18 It's nothing kinky, is it? Oh no. Because you do need someone to look out for you. It might be a kinky party.

William Hanson 0:05:24 I don't think so. Not with this guest list.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:26 Really? No. Are they elderly?

William Hanson 0:05:28 No, I don't think you're invited. But— I don't know. I mean, they need to get— they're desperate to get the numbers up. No, it's been very, very nice that I've been invited. Costume-wise, I have asked if there's a theme.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:53 Well, you've got the costume now.

William Hanson 0:05:54 Well, actually, this is— in all seriousness, I could just borrow this.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:57 I think you should go in just that and a white pair of pants. That would certainly— it would say— That would scare. It would say William Hanson's arrived. Wouldn't it? Wow.

William Hanson 0:06:09 Nobody needs that. Would you like to see my costume? It's not Halloween-themed, I should say.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:17 I am so disappointed in you. I'm so disappointed. I'm holding back the desire to be sick in my mouth.

William Hanson 0:06:24 So I thought, I'm not going to— I don't want to spend too much money. I don't want to spend too much effort. I will just wear something I would not wear day to day.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:32 Right.

William Hanson 0:06:33 Okay? I will just wear something that's a bit fun. And maybe if push comes to shove, I'll put some fake blood trickling down my lip.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:40 Oh, how about a traitor's cloak? You could go as a traitor.

William Hanson 0:06:44 Oh, now that is not the worst suggestion you've ever had. However, I've already bought one. None taken! Well, no, no, no. I was being positive.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:52 Yeah, thank you, because it— But I've already bought this. Oh.

William Hanson 0:06:55 Although I would watch the traitors a bit more if they wore this.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:58 Go on.

William Hanson 0:06:58 Describe what you see.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:59 What the hell is that?

William Hanson 0:07:02 It is a stripe bow blouse.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:06 That looks like your normal attire. What's Halloweeny about that?

William Hanson 0:07:14 Nothing. But I just thought it's different.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:17 So you're wearing an old lady's blouse to a Halloween party? It's not an old lady. It's not.

William Hanson 0:07:21 I mean, admittedly, it works on her. It's from a, you know, an androgynous website.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:27 Androgynous? Is that even a thing?

William Hanson 0:07:32 It's actually from the company— I mean, if I look as gorgeous as him, I'll be delighted. It's actually from the company who does my top for Titanic.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:41 It— well, you—

William Hanson 0:07:42 I messaged the costume designer with, quick, I need ideas. And they went, oh, why don't you look on that website?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:48 What are you going as? You're supposed to go as something a little bit spooky.

William Hanson 0:07:52 I'm going— I'm going as a bow.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:55 You're just gonna look like a homosexual!

William Hanson 0:07:58 I'm gonna— an angelic bow.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:01 Well, I—

William Hanson 0:08:02 Angel Gabriel! I'm in Angel Gabriel blue with this Angel Gabriel!

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:07 There we go.

William Hanson 0:08:08 There it is.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:09 Thank goodness for that.

William Hanson 0:08:10 To keep order on the party.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:12 What are you wearing on your bottoms? Black trousers. Black trousers?

William Hanson 0:08:16 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:17 Right.

William Hanson 0:08:18 Jack Black, quite wide-leg trousers with a loafer.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:20 What about a tight short?

William Hanson 0:08:22 Oh no.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:29 I think maybe a tight short.

William Hanson 0:08:30 Keep your deeper, darker fantasies out of the podcast, please.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:33 Well, no, but when we did our episode in Frigg, there were quite a number of people who commented on your calves.

William Hanson 0:08:40 Yes, I do have manly calves.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:42 And you— what you could do is you could paint them like a couple of pumpkins. You've swallowed a couple of pumpkins that have gone straight to your legs. How about that? That would give it a Halloween twist. My calves aren't round. What?

William Hanson 0:09:01 They're not round.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:02 Well, they're quite chunky, aren't they?

William Hanson 0:09:05 They're chunky, but they're not pumpkin shape.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:07 Well, I'm sure with the right— They're more aubergine shape.

Speaker F 0:09:10 I don't think you need that on your legs.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:20 So maybe—

William Hanson 0:09:22 I mean, we'll have to tune back in in a couple of weeks. Maybe my attitude's changing.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:28 You think?

William Hanson 0:09:28 To Halloween. I don't know. Depends if I have fun.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:30 I was gonna say, it depends on the crowd.

William Hanson 0:09:32 As long as it's— I mean, it's Halloween, a bit like anything really. It's just an excuse to—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:37 Get drunk.

William Hanson 0:09:37 Yeah. I mean, I don't want to be paralytic, because that's unbecoming. Well, no, a Frigg level of drunk was fine, because I can still—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:46 Was it?

William Hanson 0:09:47 I can still remember everything. Was it? Everyone's seen you.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:49 the Mercadona episode. That was just the beginning. That was just the beginning.

William Hanson 0:09:57 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:57 Yeah. So, well, I think it would be good. You might do bobbing for apples.

William Hanson 0:10:02 I'm not doing that.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:03 You'd be good at that.

William Hanson 0:10:18 Emerged with a cock between my teeth. Second time today I've done that joke.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:25 Oh dear. Yeah.

William Hanson 0:10:30 Have you ever bobbed for an apple?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:33 I have. I have, that's really good. Oh, anyway, back to the episode.

William Hanson 0:10:45 Yes. So, now you grew up in Harpenden, where—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:55 Oh, have I mentioned it?

William Hanson 0:10:57 Where you were in a built-up area, really. We were in the country.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:00 Sorry, sorry. I was in what?

William Hanson 0:11:06 A built-up area.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:09 What? I lived in a very smart middle-class road with mock Tudor houses. How dare you? Nelson Mandela House?

William Hanson 0:11:19 No, but we were in the middle of the countryside. There was no one next to us. Our neighbours were cows.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:24 Well, we had Liz and Tony.

William Hanson 0:11:26 Yes, but there were houses around it. So that's what I would call comparatively a built-up area.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:34 Right. Gosh.

William Hanson 0:11:36 Did you thus do or receive trick-or-treating? Or was it really a thing back then? Because I wonder if trick-or-treating— No, I'm not doing an age joke. I think trick-or-treating started in the last 20 years.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:50 Yeah. No, I'm lucky enough that I was from the generation before Halloween really took hold in this country. So, no, I I definitely didn't do it as a child, nor would my mother have been particularly keen on me doing it as a child.

William Hanson 0:12:09 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:10 So no, I wasn't. But I did— I remember doing— talking of trick-or-treaters, I did a phone-in on Halloween some years ago now. And I remember there was this lovely caller from Stevenage who called up, and she was a bit of an eccentric woman, and she said, that she and her husband loved Halloween because they saw it as their mission to absolutely terrify the local children.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:39 So, what they would do is they would have a kind of prosthetic head that had been chopped off that would have kind of, you know, fake veins and sinew hanging from its neck dripping with blood. And as the doorbell would go in their nice kind of modest 3-bedroom semi, They'd open the door, her husband would start up a chainsaw and rev it, and she'd appear around the door holding this head dripping with blood. And she said the children used to run screaming. And I thought, do you know what, at least they're having their own fun.

William Hanson 0:13:13 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:13 Yeah, yeah. I mean, the children probably didn't sleep for about 10 years afterwards. No. They were having fun.

William Hanson 0:13:19 Whereas now, I wonder if that happened. Because it's sort of around Halloween. If that happened, you know, in March, I think you'd worry. But if that happened on or around Halloween weekend, most people would just be like, right.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:32 What? Pretending, you know, to the local children that they live near Jeffrey Dahmer?

William Hanson 0:13:37 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:38 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:13:38 I think kids would be like, mm.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:39 Yeah. You'd make a good Jeffrey Dahmer. You'd make a very good Jeffrey Dahmer.

William Hanson 0:13:45 And what do you mean by that?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:46 Well, I reckon with the right glasses and you opening the front door with a power drill— You could borrow my brushless impact drill!

William Hanson 0:13:55 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:57 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:13:57 Oh, I can be Angel Gabriel meets Jeffrey Dahmer at the party.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:01 There you go.

William Hanson 0:14:02 Yeah. None of them will get that reference.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:05 No, probably not.

William Hanson 0:14:06 They will after.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:07 Of course they will. You'll tell 'em.

William Hanson 0:14:09 I'll tell 'em. Okay, well, that's one thing. Trick-or-treating obviously is a thing now. Does Charlie, your nephew, want to go trick-or-treating? Should you take him?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:19 I'm sure he does, but there's absolutely no way I'd ever take him.

William Hanson 0:14:23 But if, let's say, for whatever reason, your brother has to give you Charlie that night, there's some emergency, he can't look after Charlie, you have got to, and Charlie is begging you to go out trick-or-treating, what are you raiding your cupboards to give the neighbours?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:40 Oh no. Well, I'm not sure I have anything.

William Hanson 0:14:43 Well, actually, no, hang on. Trick-or-treating, Charlie collects.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:47 Yes.

William Hanson 0:14:47 Okay. So, Charlie, you're saying, I'm not going trick-or-treating, but if the children come to the door, we'll have to give them something. You haven't got anything in. What are you giving?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:57 Oh, dog biscuits. I mean, that's probably the only confectionery-type food I have in my house. Maybe some dog treats.

William Hanson 0:15:08 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:09 For me.

William Hanson 0:15:10 Dip them in chocolate.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:12 Here we go. Chocolate biscuit. Have a bit of chicken liver in chocolate. Lovely. Delicious. Mm. No, I think if he came round and I had to take him, I'd probably be the kind of— the awkward uncle standing at the end of the drive while he went up to the front door and kind of went, ooh, or did whatever children do. What do they do?

William Hanson 0:15:37 They just go, trick or treat. But I— when last year when we had Annie and Henry, my cousin niece and nephew, come and stay, and also my godchildren, the— I made sure— I went trick-or-treating with them for about 10 minutes, and then I got bored, and then Mikey and his sister continued with them. But I made sure that when they did trick-or-treat, they said their pleas and thank-yous.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:56 Quite right.

William Hanson 0:15:57 I turned it into a teaching moment.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:58 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:15:58 They're very good anyway.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:59 Well done.

William Hanson 0:16:00 But I was like, make sure you do.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:01 So you went along for 10 minutes.

William Hanson 0:16:03 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:04 You gave them an etiquette lesson, got bored, and then went home.

William Hanson 0:16:07 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:07 Right. Okay.

William Hanson 0:16:08 And then when they were giving out sweets, when people came to our door, when people say thank you, I said, you just say thank you back.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:15 And if they didn't say thank you, were they trained— I said, excuse me. Trained to say— sorry, I think there's a magic word missing.

William Hanson 0:16:21 No, actually, I didn't actually even need to prompt them.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:25 Well, that's nice. Very good.

William Hanson 0:16:27 Very polite children.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:28 Well, there you go. Now, I think it— there would have to be a significant emergency for me to take my nephew and niece.

William Hanson 0:16:34 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:34 I would.

William Hanson 0:16:35 Will you be watching any sort of scary films?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:38 No, I don't like scary films. I do not. Genuinely, I don't like being scared. I don't like a— I don't like a movie where something awful is about to happen and you're kind of sitting there like this. I don't like it.

William Hanson 0:16:53 Again, I used to not, but on my algorithm on Instagram, I get clips of slasher movies seem to be popping up. And I do sort of slightly sort of watch. I sort of do a little scroll through first just to get to look at the bottom and the preview just to see what's— where it's going. And then, and actually anything graphic Instagram has to blur or they blur it if it's going to stay. So, you actually never see anything Horrid. Right. Extremely terrible. Are you being radicalised?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:24 Do we need to alert the authorities and send you into a programme?

William Hanson 0:17:29 Could you imagine if this is how my midlife crisis ends? Imagine. I've been radicalised.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:33 Etiquette consultant William Hanson, etiquette consultant to the stars, radicalised watching slasher movies.

William Hanson 0:17:41 On Instagram.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:42 On Instagram.

William Hanson 0:17:44 In between, this week, clips of Mary Poppins in Japanese.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:47 Oh, yeah, right.

William Hanson 0:17:49 Which is fine.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:49 Well, you're touching all bases, aren't you? You are.

William Hanson 0:17:52 Yes. So, no, I'm sort of— yeah, I've wondered whether— what's going on, really.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:59 I think I did ask AI earlier.

William Hanson 0:18:01 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:01 Because I literally couldn't think of a way of doing it. I said to AI, could you have a Halloween-type party that was luxury?

William Hanson 0:18:11 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:11 And it did actually come up with some ideas, and I did want to put some of them to you.

William Hanson 0:18:15 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:15 You can tell me if you think they are genuinely potentially luxury. An eerie masquerade ball.

William Hanson 0:18:23 Oh!

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:24 Guests arrive in black tie attire. Lovely. Paired with ornate lace, leather—

William Hanson 0:18:31 Oh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:32 As long as it's Smythe's. I thought you'd like that one. Or metallic masks.

William Hanson 0:18:37 That would be fine, because it's— and actually, you don't see black tie enough at Halloween.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:43 Enchanted Midnight Garden.

William Hanson 0:18:45 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:47 Melding dark, overgrown botanicals, deep red roses, and black dahlias with mystical celestial lighting.

William Hanson 0:18:56 Well, your hanging baskets are scary.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:59 How dare you? You're going to see my hanging baskets. I've kept them— Are they still whiffy? I've kept them specifically for you.

William Hanson 0:19:06 Oh, thank you.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:08 To see this weekend. Anyway, we might touch on that in our bonus.

William Hanson 0:19:11 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:12 And then in terms of food. So, do you like potentially one of those ideas?

William Hanson 0:19:17 The first one?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:17 Yeah. Luxury, sophisticated.

William Hanson 0:19:20 More sophisticated than your average thing.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:22 It says, and I think this is very true, that the reason that Halloween is so awful is that it's plastic tat, isn't it? So, as long as you avoid the plastic and the synthetic fabrics— Like? Devil wings. Then you can potentially Make it sophisticated. So it says, ditch the synthetic fabrics for dark, rich linens.

William Hanson 0:19:46 Nice.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:46 Layer heavy black velvet or intricate black lace runners over your table to build depth.

William Hanson 0:19:54 I don't like a runner of any variety.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:57 Dinnerware and accents. Use real fine china, black porcelain plates, vintage silverware, You've got that.

William Hanson 0:20:08 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:09 And crystal coupe glasses— is that coupe or coupé glasses?

William Hanson 0:20:13 Coupe.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:13 Incorporate polished gold, silver, or brass to contrast against the black background. So, you could potentially hold a soiree that is not hideous.

William Hanson 0:20:26 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:27 I mean, it's not—

William Hanson 0:20:28 it's not still our cup of tea. And the first one was a masquerade ball.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:33 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:20:33 I mean, where are you holding that in your home?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:35 Well, exactly.

William Hanson 0:20:36 I mean, I know when I move the dining table, I've got a bit of space, but I don't have enough to do a masquerade ball.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:40 No. Or you could do some spooky dancing, couldn't you?

William Hanson 0:20:45 My dancing is a bit spooky.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:47 It certainly is.

William Hanson 0:20:48 Scared the choreographer of Titanic.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:51 But I think there are— I mean, you know, AI does come up with some good things. Some good things.

William Hanson 0:20:55 Yeah. Okay. Well, maybe next year you can hold a masquerade ball.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:59 Oh no, let's not forget the house. Put a marquee out your back.

William Hanson 0:21:01 Are you still thinking of having a swimming pool?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:03 Why?

William Hanson 0:21:04 Well, 'cause if you do, we can't put a marquee out the back.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:07 Ooh, we could have a spooky Halloween pool party! No?

William Hanson 0:21:11 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:17 You could be in the pool with your wings on, couldn't you? And little else. That would terrify everyone.

William Hanson 0:21:33 Yes. Nice. I do— when I— so a few weeks ago, I was in Los Angeles, and I went to Universal Studios on my one day off on the Sunday. And they had— because of course in America Halloween goes on for yonks. Goes on for long enough over here, but it goes on for triple the amount of time in America. And they had that during the whole of October. They have their Halloween Fright Nights, and all around the park were these sort of things ready for the Fright Night. It's not frightening at all.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:03 What was the Fright Night?

William Hanson 0:22:05 Oh, it's where you can go around the park and people jump out at you and chase you around with chainsaws. But they really commit to the bit, apparently. It's not like— I would imagine your callers on your show sort of stop when they get to the threshold of their house. No, these will just chase you for as long as they can in the park.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:23 Oh, that sounds horrible.

William Hanson 0:22:24 Sounds really horrid. And of course, you don't know— I mean, you don't know the park. Well, even if— I guess you do know the park to a certain extent if you're gonna go to one of these places. You might know it a little bit if you've been before.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:33 So did you go to a park after dark?

William Hanson 0:22:35 No, I didn't. Not that one. I thought, I'm not paying for entry. But— Yeah. It just didn't look scary at all. It looked tragic. Especially when the lights are on in the day. Maybe at night.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:57 'Cause it was all plastic tats. It's all plastic tats. Plastic tat. That's where it goes wrong. Deep linens.

William Hanson 0:23:03 There's no deep linens at Universal, let me tell you. Oh!

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:08 What?

William Hanson 0:23:09 There's the phone.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:10 I better get it. It's bound to be someone very spooky.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:23 Welcome back, Bucketheads! Woo! We've been discussing Halloween and it's now time for your questions, so let's check out our heaving bags of spooky post. Do remember, if there's something on your mind that needs a luxury touch, postman@luxurypodcast.co.uk is the place for your queries and your questions. Also, a reminder, you can watch these episodes on Patreon if you join our Luxury Members Club. Just head over to luxurypodcast.co.uk to join.

William Hanson 0:26:08 This first one is from Daniel. Dear William and Jonathan, Halloween has always been the most special time of year for me. My birthday is October 30th, sometimes called Devil's Night in North America. So, from childhood sugar highs lasting several days, fuelled by birthday cake and trick-or-treating candy, to more mature pursuits, it's always been a highlight. So, for my luxury 30th birthday, I threw a funeral for myself.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:31 Well, that is quite— I mean, the first part I was cringing, but that is quite funny.

William Hanson 0:26:35 That is fun. And we've talked about what our funerals would look like. Daniel's gone one step further.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:39 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:26:40 And actually had it. Everyone arrived at my house in executive taxis. I served a myriad of cheeses and breads, whiskey-glazed bacon-wrapped chicken hearts, black rice risotto bites with scallops, and a lapsang souchong and gin cocktail. At my request, everyone wore black, and each guest had written a eulogy for me.

William Hanson 0:26:57 Some were hilarious, others made me cry. One by one, they read them aloud before tossing them into the fire so that I might emerge from my twink death into my 30s. I mean, Daniel, I would say twink death is 25, so you're 5 years late. We swayed in the most elegant fashion on the frost-tipped grass before the night wound down to mulled wine and blankets inside. Death, as it turns out, can be terribly luxurious if you don't have to die.

William Hanson 0:27:19 Daniel R. Wilson.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:20 Well, that sounds like a party that no one will forget.

William Hanson 0:27:23 Yes, I do. I mean, we've talked about, obviously, our funerals at great length, and I do— I was thinking about it the other day. actually. I'd love to be at my own funeral.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:30 Well, do it.

William Hanson 0:27:30 Well, no, because I don't know if you've staged a funeral like Daniel did, whether people would be genuinely upset. 'Cause you're not dead. It's your 30th birthday.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:40 But when you're closer to death, you could do it then.

William Hanson 0:27:45 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:46 And then I think if people knew you were going to die, they might be more authentic.

William Hanson 0:27:51 Well, tell you what, you do a trial run, and if I like it—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:53 I knew you were gonna say that.

William Hanson 0:27:56 Yeah, you know, yeah, true. I don't know if I were going to die, though. If I actually died, I would be serving lapsang souchong and gin cocktails at my wake. I mean, I wouldn't be serving anything because I'd be dead. Yeah, but I'm not sure that's very me. It'd just be gin and tonic, red-white wine martinis.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:14 Yeah, but remember, this was a Halloweeny theme, wasn't it?

William Hanson 0:28:17 Yeah, I guess. Yes, fair enough.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:19 It was supposed to be a bit spooky. What Daniel doesn't say is whether he arrived in the back of a hearse, because surely that's the ultimate arrival at your party, isn't it? You know, you appear from a coffin.

William Hanson 0:28:33 Like Claudia Winkleman did in The Traitors, start of the, the new Celebrity series.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:37 There you go.

William Hanson 0:28:38 You could do that.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:39 Are you enjoying the new Celebrity series?

William Hanson 0:28:41 I've watched 2 episodes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:44 I've given up.

William Hanson 0:28:47 I did— well, mainly because I went away, So then you get out of sync. If I was watching it with Mikey, I probably would've, you know, we would've got into it. I just don't know if I can be bothered. How about you?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:59 No? No.

William Hanson 0:29:01 Oh, you work for the BBC, so you can't say anything other than positiveness about The Traitors?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:05 I love it. I'm really— I am really enjoying it.

William Hanson 0:29:08 But do you think— I'm positing here.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:10 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:29:11 Can you see me positing? I think that with This Celebrity series, because Celebrity Series 1 obviously did very great things, certain people came out of it incredibly well. All of this lot, with some exceptions, have gone, right, this is it. This is gonna make me, or gonna, you know, bring me back, or I'm gonna be the nation's sweetheart. And so it's just the celebrity ego has taken a hold, whereas normal people, I think it's a lot more interesting.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:41 It doesn't help that I haven't got a clue who 3 quarters of them are.

William Hanson 0:29:45 You know who Miranda is.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:46 I know, yeah, Miranda. Now she's a saving grace.

William Hanson 0:29:49 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:49 She is a saving grace.

William Hanson 0:29:51 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:51 She's been fun. Yeah.

William Hanson 0:29:53 Um, who else?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:55 Apart from that?

William Hanson 0:29:55 I don't even know who's left.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:57 Joe Lycett?

William Hanson 0:29:58 I know who he is.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:00 Yeah, he's in it.

William Hanson 0:30:01 Right.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:02 Or has been in it.

William Hanson 0:30:03 Okay. I was thinking— I don't care, you can tell me.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:07 Yeah, no, he's a goner now.

William Hanson 0:30:09 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:09 Yeah. You've got Romesh and Rob.

William Hanson 0:30:12 Yes, they're very popular.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:14 They are very popular. What's his name? James Blunt.

William Hanson 0:30:19 Oh yeah. Have you had a bad day? Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:23 Yes.

William Hanson 0:30:23 Are we going to get sued for that? No?

Speaker H 0:30:25 It's the wrong song.

William Hanson 0:30:26 Oh, is it?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:27 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:30:27 Who sung that?

Speaker H 0:30:29 Yeah, I don't know, but it's not— you're thinking of the James Blunt song is You're Beautiful.

William Hanson 0:30:36 Yeah, You're Beautiful.

Speaker I 0:30:38 He's got that kind of voice like this, isn't it? All the time.

William Hanson 0:30:40 Who sang You Had a Bad Day? But I thought that was James Blunt.

Speaker H 0:30:45 Daniel Powter?

William Hanson 0:30:47 Daniel Powter. As we said earlier, Sadie is not here. She just— her voice hasn't dropped. Jack is producing us today.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:53 That's right.

William Hanson 0:30:54 Yeah, okay. Yeah. Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:59 Yeah. But some of them, I just don't know who they are.

William Hanson 0:31:01 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:02 I don't know who they are. I mean, and I can't tell you who they are because I don't know who they are.

William Hanson 0:31:05 That's a good point.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:06 I don't know who they are, but then they probably don't know who I am either.

William Hanson 0:31:10 They will now.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:12 They certainly will now. Well, their lawyers will. Oh, Jake's been in touch, William. Jake says, spooky greetings, chaps. I know how much you love Halloween, so I might come across as a bit of a grumpy here, My wife— nothing scarier than a hetero listener— and I have a small child whom my wife is trying to indoctrinate into loving Halloween. My dining area and sitting room is occupied with Halloween bunting, skeletons, and woodwork pumpkins. Even worse, she's purchased a large inflatable ghost for our front garden. As I don't possess a taser, How can I deal with this in a luxury manner?

William Hanson 0:31:57 Divorce.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:58 Yeah. Yeah, it's the only way. Oh, that's dreadful. Yes, I, I think— I don't think I'd like that. But is your wife American? That's the only thing we don't know, Jake, in your email. Because if— because the Americans love Halloween.

William Hanson 0:32:13 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:13 And I guess if you are married to an American, you've got to accept that. They might want to have the children excited. Culturally, it's important.

Speaker H 0:32:22 If you both had to have an inflatable thing in your front garden, you had to, what would you choose? Yes, Jack. What would you choose? Let's say it has to be Halloween related. Pamela Anderson?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:35 Pamela Anderson?

William Hanson 0:32:38 Oh. Yeah.

Speaker H 0:32:40 A Halloween related thing. You had to be forced to have one.

William Hanson 0:32:43 Yeah, a ghost, I guess. Oh no, a big pumpkin.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:48 Yeah, pumpkin.

William Hanson 0:32:49 Massive pumpkin. Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:52 Something—

William Hanson 0:32:52 That could be a bouncy castle, or you could position underneath an upstairs bedroom window, so should you have to jump out because of a fire, it would act as a bit of a crash mat. Yes. That could be fun.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:05 An emergency exit inflatable.

William Hanson 0:33:08 Because I would actually— no, no, this is actually serious. I would imagine around Halloween time, with all the plastic tat, lighting—

Speaker F 0:33:16 What if houses burn down?

William Hanson 0:33:18 Tea lights. Statistically, you're going to be more susceptible to fire.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:23 Now, and that's a very good point.

William Hanson 0:33:25 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:25 Candles. Now, candles are luxury.

William Hanson 0:33:30 Yes. Aren't they? I mean, some can be awful.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:33 They can. However, let's just go back to our kind of, is it possible to have anything Halloweeny that's luxury? What about just a very dark room surrounded by candles?

William Hanson 0:33:47 Hmm.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:47 That could be potentially— Like a power cut. Like a power cut.

William Hanson 0:33:52 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:52 Like the war.

William Hanson 0:33:53 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:54 And you're there in the middle of the room surrounded by candles.

William Hanson 0:33:57 That's nice. If they're sort of— especially if they're like, you know, church candles.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:01 Yes.

William Hanson 0:34:02 Or big votives.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:03 Dripping.

William Hanson 0:34:03 Yeah, that could be nice.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:05 Running all down.

William Hanson 0:34:06 I don't think a smelly candle is very Halloweeny, though.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:09 No, no.

William Hanson 0:34:10 Lime basil mandarin doesn't reek of Halloween.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:14 No, it's not scary. No.

William Hanson 0:34:16 This is from Max. Hello, chaps. Regarding I'm curious to know what the costume of your choice would be. I know you both hate the spookiest season of all, but if you were forced to attend a party this Halloween, what or whom would your fancy dress be, and what would the outfit consist of? All the best, Max. Well, Max, I feel I have answered that because I am going to one. You didn't know that when you wrote in. And I'm going as a big blue boat.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:36 And I came up with, I think, a better suggestion. Should we actually—

William Hanson 0:34:39 did we describe what I was wearing? For those— I think I showed you, but I don't know if we described it for audio listeners.

Speaker H 0:34:45 You said it was a blue blouse.

William Hanson 0:34:47 It's a blue blouse, very— It's an old lady's blouse. It's not an old lady's blouse. It's very modern.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:52 It will— All I'll say is, keep it for Pond Court. Keep it for Pond Court. It will come in very handy for some of the girls on the coffee morning.

William Hanson 0:35:01 It's got ruched sleeves.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:03 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:35:03 A big pussy bow. It does!

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:07 It does.

William Hanson 0:35:10 It does have a pussy bow.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:13 It does.

William Hanson 0:35:14 I know that because my Titanic costume is a big pussy bow.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:17 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:35:17 which I can't tie. I have to go and get costume to tie it every day. I'm going to—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:22 I'm trying not to come out with the line.

William Hanson 0:35:24 Go on.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:24 No, I'm not going to. I'm not going to.

Speaker J 0:35:27 People will be commenting on your pussy all night.

William Hanson 0:35:30 It's a first for everything. So, what would you go as to this? A traitor. Okay, yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:40 I think that's a good one.

William Hanson 0:35:41 I think I came up— because it's low-key effort.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:43 Accidentally, I came up with a good sophisticated idea, didn't I?

William Hanson 0:35:47 Yes. You go as James Blunt.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:47 And you just you just arrive, and then you come in with your head down like they do, and everyone will go, oh, it's a traitor! Then you just pull your head back. Surprise! Now, where's the booze? That's how you start the party. Yes.

William Hanson 0:36:03 And then you can whip it off. Manly polo action. Manly polo action slacks.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:36:06 Exactly. Exactly. Yeah.

William Hanson 0:36:08 Go on, finish us off with Chris.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:36:09 Chris says, hi boys, I don't particularly love Halloween, but I do love a good horror movie. I think they're pure camp, which is right up my street. If you were to star in a horror movie, could you give us an example of the devastating scream you'd let out moments before your death? With love, Chris.

William Hanson 0:36:28 I mean, I'll give it a go, but I worry that people are going to rush in.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:36:32 No, don't do it. I think it's a bit common to scream.

William Hanson 0:36:36 I don't think it's very luxury. No.

Speaker H 0:36:38 What about a death rattle?

William Hanson 0:36:40 What's a death rattle? Death rattle!

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:36:42 That's what people make before they die.

William Hanson 0:36:45 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:36:45 What a very dark thought.

Speaker H 0:36:47 It's Halloween, Jonathan.

William Hanson 0:36:49 What is a death rattle?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:36:50 Well, when you're in the final stages of the dying process—

William Hanson 0:36:56 Tell us.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:36:57 As everyone seems to want to be cheered up. When you're in the final stage, you can get a level of phlegm stuck in the back of your throat, and you kind of create a— That's the death rattle.

William Hanson 0:37:15 And Jonathan's gone.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:37:17 And then you die.

William Hanson 0:37:18 Gosh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:37:19 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:37:19 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:37:21 Like that.

William Hanson 0:37:25 There's my death rattle.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:37:26 Now, if I'm still alive when you're in your final moments, I'll make sure I shut your mouth so no one hears that. That's not luxury.

William Hanson 0:37:34 Okay, fine. Come over from the neighbouring room at Pond Court.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:37:39 Yes. Well, I think that's more than enough luxury.

William Hanson 0:37:42 Have we even had any luxury?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:37:44 I'm not sure we have, but we've had fun.

William Hanson 0:37:46 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:37:46 We'll leave it there for now. Of course, we will be back tomorrow for one of our bonus episodes, and I've got lots to tell you.

William Hanson 0:37:53 So have I. Oh, might have to be a 2-part bonus.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:37:56 It might have—

William Hanson 0:37:56 well, it will be a 2-part bonus, but it might have to be— have to come back on Friday as well.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:38:00 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:38:00 Oh, oh, we won't do that because that'll send someone into a tailspin.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:38:05 Yeah, we're not going to do that. We'll cram it all in tomorrow. For the first time. Until then, goodbye!