Fears and Pet Peeves

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:01:09 Hello and welcome to The Luxury Podcast. My name's Jonathan Vernon-Smith, and with me is William Hanson. This is the podcast that helps you live a more luxury life.

William Hanson 0:01:19 Hello, Jonathan, and I'm here to help you create the everyday moments of luxury that make life worth living. Whatever your budget. Oh, just varying it up like that.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:01:28 Yeah. In each episode of The Luxury Podcast, William and I tackle an area of life that we think you should really upgrade.

William Hanson 0:01:34 Oh, you're doing it too.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:01:35 We do. Sorting the Onslows from the Hyacinths and advising the nation in gracious living. I know, devils. So William, what are we going to talk about today?

William Hanson 0:01:45 Pet peeves and phobias and fears.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:01:48 Phobias, fears, you name it.

William Hanson 0:01:50 Anything that That scares us.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:01:52 Anything that puts the willies up us, and no mistake about it.

William Hanson 0:01:55 Well, not anything, but we're talking about quite a bit of it.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:01:57 Yes.

William Hanson 0:01:58 Yep.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:01:58 Right.

William Hanson 0:01:58 Scratching the surface, just the tip.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:01 Let's talk fears first.

William Hanson 0:02:03 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:03 Because we both have fears. You have, I would say, a rather debilitating fear.

William Hanson 0:02:09 I do. Socialists.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:29 But apart from that, what else?

William Hanson 0:02:31 Straight people.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:32 Straight people? You wally.

William Hanson 0:02:37 No, something even scarier.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:39 Yes.

William Hanson 0:02:40 Mice and rats.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:41 Rodents.

William Hanson 0:02:42 Rodents.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:43 Rodents.

William Hanson 0:02:44 Squirrels, not— can do that. That's fine. I mean, I don't want one running over my foot, but I can see squirrels in the park and I can watch them play. And they are basically rats, but they just look a bit cuter.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:57 And they're very vicious squirrels.

William Hanson 0:02:58 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:59 They bite you. Oh, they don't let go.

William Hanson 0:03:01 Well, I wouldn't go close to them afterwards. I won't go and stroke a squirrel.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:05 No.

William Hanson 0:03:05 Ridiculous. They carry disease, don't they?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:08 Can do. Any animal can carry disease, William. But of course, the thing with rats and mice where they really do carry disease. They are incontinent creatures.

William Hanson 0:03:19 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:19 They urinate constantly while they're walking. So as they urinate—

William Hanson 0:03:27 Mice and rats? Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:28 So they tread in their own urine and then they spread it about, you see. So that's how they can spread so much disease, which is why you never want a mouse or a rat in your property.

William Hanson 0:03:40 Well, for many, many other reasons. They're destructive as well.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:42 They're very destructive. And they're scary. Yeah. Well, they're not scary.

William Hanson 0:03:45 They are, Jonathan.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:46 Well, no, but they are for you.

William Hanson 0:03:48 They are for a lot of sane, rational people.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:51 But they're not actually— they're not scary in terms of they couldn't really do you very much harm, apart from giving you a disease that kills you. But apart from that— Other than that, you'll be fine. Other than that, in terms of physically, they can't really do you any harm, can they? Bite you. But have you ever had a hamster?

William Hanson 0:04:06 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:07 No?

William Hanson 0:04:08 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:08 As a pet?

William Hanson 0:04:09 No, you had Harry.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:10 Yes. And they bite. Oh, have you ever seen a hamster's teeth?

William Hanson 0:04:13 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:14 Well, they're ever so long. And when they bite you, they go right into your fingers.

William Hanson 0:04:19 Why would anyone want a hamster?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:20 I don't know. I think they're a useless pet. Oh, they are really. Same as gerbils. Yeah, but my parents would never let us have proper pets. So, we always had to, you know, hamsters and rabbits. That was about it.

William Hanson 0:04:31 I think rabbits are a bit more of an interesting pet than a—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:35 Oh yeah, but they can bite as well. Will give you a nasty nip. But I don't think in terms of the physical harm that a mouse, particularly a mouse, I mean, it's not going to do you any harm at all, is it? They're tiny like that. You're a man, stamp on it. You know, you got— You got—

William Hanson 0:04:53 you got— by the time I've lifted my foot up to sort of work out where to stamp on it, it's going to have run away.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:58 Run away, exactly. It's not going to do you any harm, is it? It's not like a It's not like a lion.

William Hanson 0:05:04 No, but some of them are bold. You hear stories, and they're bold, and they go for it, and they sort of then run away, and then they come back out.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:11 Oh, well, many years ago, my dad used to live in London, and— oh, I shouldn't tell you this story, should I?

William Hanson 0:05:19 No, but you see, the thing is, whilst it's a phobia or a fear, I'm then strangely attracted to people who can tell stories about them.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:26 You are weird.

William Hanson 0:05:28 If I saw— if one was in here now, Goodbye, thank you very much. Sadie, you and Sadie can do the episode. Don't make me do it.

Speaker G 0:05:34 No, I've told you about my rat fear as well.

William Hanson 0:05:35 Oh, when you opened the drawer and—

Speaker G 0:05:37 Opened the tea towel drawer, and there was a live rat in it in my house.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:39 Ugh. Well, that's just unhygienic, because it will have urinated on one of your tea towels. I hope you washed all those tea towels.

William Hanson 0:05:44 My boyfriend did. Your boyfriend did. Good. That's fine, as long as they got washed.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:47 But my dad was living in London at the time, and he was asleep one night.

William Hanson 0:05:53 Oh no.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:53 And he felt something heavy on his chest.

William Hanson 0:05:58 Oh, Jonathan, no.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:00 He felt something— Oh. He felt something heavy on his chest. So he kind of, in his sleepy sense, he swiped it from his chest and then just heard this. He turned the light on, and it was a massive rat. It had been on his chest in bed.

Speaker H 0:06:32 It's awful.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:34 And did it die when it hit the floor? No! He just wiped it off. It landed, went boom on the floor. And it— he turned the light on, and it looked at him. Probably went— And then it went— and disappeared.

William Hanson 0:06:49 Jesus.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:50 London. There you go.

William Hanson 0:06:53 Which part of London did it happen in?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:56 Not far from you.

William Hanson 0:06:58 No, don't.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:59 No, it was a long way away. No, don't worry. That was a very exceptional rat from a very, very poor part of London. It would never— you'd never find a rat like that where you live.

William Hanson 0:07:09 No. Well, there was a dead rat on the street not that long ago.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:12 Really?

William Hanson 0:07:13 Sort of, I was walking to the Tube and suddenly went, I think I've just walked past a dead rat, and sort of got much further down the street and then sort of looked around very gingerly. Right. Yeah, there it was. It was there for days.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:23 Oh, really?

William Hanson 0:07:24 Yeah. I'd have to cross the road and then keep looking to see if I could go. Back and forth. Took forever for a fox to come and get it.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:30 I had a dead rat in my water feature this summer, actually.

William Hanson 0:07:34 Oh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:35 You know the water feature in my garden? And I noticed—

William Hanson 0:07:38 Yeah, water feature's a stretch, but yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:41 I noticed my Betty taking a real interest in the water feature, and I thought, what's she doing? And I went over, and it was a dead rat. And it was big. It had a big tail on it like that. It was like this.

William Hanson 0:07:52 How's it died in the water feature?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:54 I think it had been poisoned.

William Hanson 0:07:56 And then—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:56 And then looked for water.

William Hanson 0:07:58 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:59 And died in the water.

William Hanson 0:08:00 Do they float?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:01 This one kind of was. It was quite puffy. So, I fished it out with a trowel, and I put it— now, which bin would you put that in? Which bin would you put that? Would you put that in your black bin or your green?

William Hanson 0:08:16 My neighbour's black bin.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:17 Your neighbour's black bin. I put it in my garden waste because I just thought, do you know what? It's going to rot down, and I feel as if it's better—

William Hanson 0:08:29 But then when you were putting other stuff in, was it then there?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:31 Yes. Put it on top.

William Hanson 0:08:33 So, my mother did. She told us— she's told me a story of when she was a girl, again, London, and she was staying with her aunts south of the river, obviously. And a cat came in and dropped a dead mouse on her pillow. She rolled over, and there it was.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:49 Dead.

William Hanson 0:08:50 Hmm.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:50 Oh, that's all right.

William Hanson 0:08:51 No, it's not. It's still— I mean, I'd rather a dead one than an alive one, but—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:55 Don't know if I've ever told you about— you know my Pip? Do you remember my cat Pip? Bless little Pip. He was a house cat, so he never really got the whole killing thing.

William Hanson 0:09:06 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:06 But one day he did kill a mouse, and I'd seen it in my conservatory. I knew we had a mouse. So, and I thought, I'll just leave the door open. Pip will deal with that. And he did. He did. Do you know how I found out he did?

William Hanson 0:09:18 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:19 Found one leg in his litter tray. Just a leg.

William Hanson 0:09:22 Something for later.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:23 Everything else had gone, just the leg. I thought, well done, Pete.

William Hanson 0:09:26 You see, then I wouldn't trust that. I would sort of be having to take all the cushions off the sofa to check that it hadn't put something elsewhere.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:33 Well, you know I've had rodent issues.

William Hanson 0:09:35 I know, you have them quite frequently.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:37 Well, no, I've not had them quite frequently. I had—

William Hanson 0:09:41 Infested?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:42 I had— the shed was infested. The shed was—

William Hanson 0:09:44 How many rats did your luxury pest controller think were in that shed at one point?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:48 Quite a lot.

William Hanson 0:09:49 No. What was the number you told me?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:51 I can't remember.

William Hanson 0:09:52 70?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:52 70, yeah. It was quite a lot of rats. Yeah, I did have quite a lot of rats in my shed, yeah.

Speaker I 0:09:56 How big's the shed?

William Hanson 0:09:58 Not that big.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:59 Well, it's quite a big shed. Well, it's not—

William Hanson 0:10:01 it's not Versailles.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:01 Don't you diminish my luxury shed.

William Hanson 0:10:04 It's not Versailles, is it?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:05 It's not Versailles, but where sheds go, it's quite cumbersome. It's got a loft.

William Hanson 0:10:11 Does it?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:12 Yes, it's got a loft. They were up there as well. They were everywhere.

William Hanson 0:10:16 A loft?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:17 Yes.

William Hanson 0:10:18 What, you can stand full height?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:19 No.

William Hanson 0:10:20 Well, that's not a loft, that's a mezzanine.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:22 Okay, my shed's got a mezzanine. Still sounds posh, doesn't it? But I did have— No, hang on.

William Hanson 0:10:32 It's a shelf.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:33 It's not a shelf.

William Hanson 0:10:35 You can't call a shelf a loft or a mezzanine.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:37 It's not— You could sleep up there. Now that's—

William Hanson 0:10:40 I wouldn't be.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:42 That's not a shelf, is it?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:45 You could physically sleep in my— It's a bunk bed. It's a bunk— a shared bunk bed. But I had quite a rat problem there. But that wasn't as bad as the time I had the rat in my luxury cavity wall. Baby rat, wasn't it?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:59 It was a baby rat. And he took— oh, he was a devil. He was a devil because he wasn't living in my house. He used to come and visit of an evening, this rat. would come in.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:12 For a whole day, you wouldn't hear him. And then suddenly— He had a job. Suddenly, in the evening, you'd be sitting there, and suddenly across the living room ceiling— Hmm. Oh no, where's he coming from? And he used to come in and then go into the cavity wall of the bathroom and then start chewing the wall.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:37 And my luxury pest controller, oh, we tried everything. We tried everything. Eventually, we found the hole he was coming in through.

William Hanson 0:11:45 This is the rat, not the pest controller.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:47 We blocked it up, and he's never been back.

William Hanson 0:11:50 Good. You see?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:51 Blocked it up with— what would you use? You should know this.

William Hanson 0:11:54 Cement?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:55 No. Well, you could do. Oh, wire wool. Wire wool.

William Hanson 0:11:58 Yeah, wire wool.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:59 Packed it with wire wool. He's never been back.

William Hanson 0:12:01 I think when we had— in the previous place, we detected that there might have been mouse activity under the kitchen. kickboards, they put wire wool with a sort of a cement mix.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:11 So it's a combo.

William Hanson 0:12:12 Yeah, nice.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:13 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:12:14 There is a horrid video that you— from when your shed was infested that you shared with me, of you going in to see if, you know, there was any activity, because you put cameras in your shed.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:24 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:12:24 And from this camera, you can see underneath whatever you've got your lawnmower, there is this sort of rat blinking as you're there going, ooh, where are you? Ratty, ratty! And it's literally under there. Can you not remember that video?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:36 Yeah, it was there, wasn't it?

William Hanson 0:12:38 That's horrid. Show that to Sadie later. Do you have any irrational fears?

Speaker G 0:12:42 Well, rats and mice are pretty— I was gonna say, you're looking very uncomfortable during this conversation.

William Hanson 0:12:47 Good, 'cause she's sensible, and she is a normal person that is scared of a mouse or a rat.

Speaker G 0:12:51 I used to have an irrational fear of whales in the sea.

William Hanson 0:12:55 To be fair, Cardiff. Cardiff on a Saturday night. You don't want to go down Caroline Street.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:08 No, the big beasts. Oh, I see. Not the country. The Welsh.

Speaker G 0:13:18 Just the thought of being in the open ocean and a whale brushing your legs underneath you.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:23 Have I ever told you about my shark experience in the Maldives? No. Oh, have I not? When I went to the Maldives and This— I went to this island called Mirufimfushi.

William Hanson 0:13:32 Say that again after 3 bottles of wine.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:41 I went to Mirufimfushi, and, um, on the first day they said, oh, you get a welcome massage tomorrow. So 10 o'clock in the morning, I went for my welcome massage, and you had to walk along this kind of wooden decking out to this hut which was over the ocean. And I went in there and there was a little kind of woman in there. And I got on the bed and you know where you put your head through the hole?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:09 And I looked down through and it was a glass floor. So I'm lying there having this welcome massage and I'm looking through and I can see sharks and fish swimming under there. I thought, oh, that's amazing. Big ones? Anyway, the way my mind— no, little ones, baby ones.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:27 I thought, gosh, they obviously do this welcome massage every morning at 10. So, I thought, tomorrow, I'm going to get up early, and I'm going to get my snorkel and goggles, and I'm going to find where this room is, and I'm going to go under so that when whoever's having their welcome massage tomorrow, when they look through, they'll see me.

William Hanson 0:14:52 Getting eaten alive by the sharks.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:57 So, so I next morning got up early, got my flippers on, and I could— so I've got— imagine the scene. I've got flippers, I've got my snorkel and my goggles.

William Hanson 0:15:09 Hot.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:10 Exactly.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:12 Quite the man about town. And so I swam on the search for where this— and it's quite hard to tell from the sea where the— anyway, I managed to see— managed to find this room. And so, I swam under this building and sure enough, I can see this glass— well, their floor, my ceiling in the ocean. So, I'm swimming under this building and as I got underneath it, I looked up through the glass and sure enough, there was this big fat man who'd got his head stuck through the hole. So, I swam up underneath and started doing rude gestures through the glass floor.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:49 And I was being very— I was really entertaining myself. This is hilarious. I'm ruining his welcome massage.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:59 I'm doing all this. And then all of a sudden, I looked over, and there— and I'm not exaggerating— there were about 50 sharks in the corner, just kind of quietly just sitting there looking at me. And so, picture the scene. I've got my snorkel and my goggles on. I see these 50 sharks with all their faces looking at me.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:25 So, I panicked. And have you ever panicked with a snorkel when you inhale the water?

William Hanson 0:16:30 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:31 You go— So, I then inhaled the water. Got you like— And then having a panic attack. I'm having this panic attack trying to get out from under this building. If that man is listening to the podcast, I can only apologise for the fact that I completely ruined your welcome massage.

William Hanson 0:16:56 Well, you got— that's called karma.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:57 With my fun and games, I nearly was eaten alive by sharks.

William Hanson 0:17:01 So, are you afraid of sharks? I mean, you were then.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:04 Well, I wasn't, I wasn't until that moment, but they were, and they, they were— they weren't just all the little tiny ones. There were some that were a bit Bigger as well. That was obviously where they nested, under the massage room.

William Hanson 0:17:15 Oh God, you could have— if there was a mother, or I don't know if it's the mother or the father that's more protective.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:20 Protective. Could have eaten me. Imagine.

William Hanson 0:17:22 Could have done.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:22 He's there having a massage. It's a blooming massacre under the—

William Hanson 0:17:26 The welcome massacre.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:29 Imagine, like my arm being ripped off. Chomping on your snorkel. Can you imagine? Well, I didn't half panic.

William Hanson 0:17:36 Of course you did.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:37 Yeah, so I didn't do that again.

William Hanson 0:17:38 Rodrigo, do you have irrational fears?

Speaker J 0:17:40 Moths.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:41 Moths?

William Hanson 0:17:43 What is it about them you don't like?

Speaker K 0:17:44 It's not that I don't like them originally, but I had an incident with one a few years ago.

William Hanson 0:17:53 An incident? What happened, Rodrigo?

Speaker J 0:17:56 A small one. When I went to sleep, I was with my phone in the dark. I got tired, I put my phone back. And 30 seconds later, one came into my ear.

William Hanson 0:18:08 Oh!

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:11 You had a moth in your ear, Rodrigo? Was that in Peru? Yes. Are they big killer moths there?

Speaker J 0:18:17 Not where I live. It was a tiny one, but it was inside my ear.

William Hanson 0:18:21 Oh.

Speaker J 0:18:22 Flying and flopping.

William Hanson 0:18:24 Can I ask—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:25 Flying and flopping in his ear.

William Hanson 0:18:26 Is it still there now? Not anymore.

Speaker J 0:18:29 I had to drive myself to A&E.

William Hanson 0:18:34 You had to drive?

Speaker J 0:18:36 Drive myself to A&E while the thing was flying inside my ear.

William Hanson 0:18:42 How did they get it out?

Speaker J 0:18:50 Uh, I mean, with a few drops, uh, like on this Anaesthetic. Oh no, some drops they throw there, they drown.

William Hanson 0:18:58 Did they have to local anaesthetise your ear? Sorry? Did they local— do local anaesthetic on your ear?

Speaker J 0:19:06 Yeah, like drops.

Speaker L 0:19:08 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:19:08 Wow. And then what, tweeze it out?

Speaker J 0:19:11 Kind of. It like floats up.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:15 Oh my God.

William Hanson 0:19:16 My God, Rodrigo. Well, I can see why you're scared.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:20 Yeah, that sounds pretty bad, Rodrigo. You had a moth stuck in your ear. It's horrible. I have a very conventional fear.

William Hanson 0:19:28 Heights.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:29 Heights. I am pathetic. Well, I'm weird. I'm weird.

William Hanson 0:19:34 Yeah, Jonathan, we know that. Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:36 No, but I'm genuinely weird because I'm okay with heights as long as I know I can't throw myself off. So, I'm fine in a plane. I know I'm fine.

William Hanson 0:19:49 That's good.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:50 I mean, I deliberately don't want to know how you unlock the door. Yeah. Because if I—

William Hanson 0:19:54 I do always look at the door.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:55 Don't look at the door.

William Hanson 0:19:57 I look at the door and go, if I just went—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:00 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:20:00 That's the end of that.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:01 Yeah. Yeah, no, don't do that.

William Hanson 0:20:02 And I'm surprised— No, sorry to derail this. I'm surprised that more weirdos haven't— I mean, we're not encouraging that.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:10 I was gonna say, it's not that easy. It's so easy to—

William Hanson 0:20:12 Well, I want to know what the safety—

Speaker M 0:20:14 You can't.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:15 I don't think you can.

Speaker J 0:20:16 It's the pressure between the plane and outside.

William Hanson 0:20:19 Oh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:19 Yeah, you can't undo it.

William Hanson 0:20:21 No. But what happens if you do need to get out the plane 'cause it's burning?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:23 Well, because you would've come down to Earth by then, won't you?

William Hanson 0:20:27 Well, I was just—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:27 You're not gonna open the door in midair and throw yourself out, are you?

Speaker G 0:20:31 Yeah, that's what you do if there's a crash. The slide comes down.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:34 Not while you're in the air! No? Woo! No! That's when you've landed in the sea, the slide comes down. You don't kind of just—

Speaker G 0:20:42 I haven't been watching the safety videos.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:43 Whiz down the slide and just plummet to your death. Do you?

Speaker G 0:20:48 Into the ocean?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:49 No.

William Hanson 0:20:50 Yeah, 'cause I— okay, that's nice. Thank you, everyone, that you can't midair. 'Cause I do worry, it's just there. There's no— you know, they protect the pilot.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:59 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:21:00 But they don't protect that door, do they?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:01 Well.

William Hanson 0:21:02 Very slapdash approach.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:03 But I'm okay with heights, and I can go up. I've been in New York, and I've stayed in hotels up on the, you know, 40th floor or something, and I can go right to the edge, and I can look out, and I'm fine as long as the window doesn't open. If I know I can't jump out, I'm fine.

William Hanson 0:21:21 When you came and visited me in Manchester, I had to— and I was on the 17th floor— I had to lock all the windows for you. That's right, yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:27 Because if I know I can open the window, that's what my fear is. It's almost as if I've got this kind of devil that lives in me that says, throw yourself off. And I've gone in buildings before. I remember going to— when I was in New York actually, I went to a friend's. We went up onto this roof terrace. And we got out this lift and came up to the roof terrace, and to my horror, there was just a waist-high railing all the way around this building, which means you could just jump off. And I had to lie on the floor, and I said, can you please sit on me?

William Hanson 0:22:03 Whereas nowadays, we just have Grindr.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:14 Literally, the lift doors opened, I took one look, I went, sit on me! On the floor. Because—

William Hanson 0:22:30 Didn't you have to be wrestled down from the Whispering Gallery at St Paul's?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:34 Yeah, so when I was a teenager, my mum took us to the Whispering Gallery at St Paul's Cathedral.

William Hanson 0:22:39 It's the Screaming Gallery.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:40 And I got up there, And I had one of my funny turns, and I laid down on the floor, and, uh, my mum was saying, get up, you're embarrassing me. And I was like, no, I can't, you've got to stop me. So my brother had to sit on me.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:59 They had to get security guards to carry me down by my hands and feet.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:12 Careful! They carried me down on my hands and feet. But it's fine, I know I can jump off. There's a shopping centre just in Buenos Aires, in Argentina, called the Unicenter, and it's 3 or 4 stories high. But it's one of those shopping centres where, you know, you've got the kind of— you go up the escalators and then you've got— and it's all railings around the outside.

William Hanson 0:23:42 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:43 And I went there once and I got on this escalator and I didn't realise that this blooming escalator took you from the ground floor right to the top floor through the shopping centre. And so, I got up on the top floor and the only way to get back from the top floor was back down the escalator on the other side that came down the entire height of the shopping centre. And do you know, I stood— I was trying to get on that escalator for about 20 minutes, and every time I got close, I thought, I can't do it, I can't do it, I can't get on it because I'm gonna have a funny turn. And I've had to— on escalators before, I've had to lie down.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:19 I've had to tell people to sit on me there.

William Hanson 0:24:21 People have sat on you the world over.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:28 So I'm up on the top floor in this shopping centre in Argentina. I thought, I have no idea how I'm going to get down.

William Hanson 0:24:33 Don't they have lifts?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:35 Well, this is the thing, there was no lift. So I went and found a shop, and this woman didn't speak hardly any English, but I managed to explain, I think through a series of nods and clicks, what my issue was. So she put me in the storage lift and sent me down from this store, from the top floor down to the bottom. Because it was the only way I could get down in a staff storage lift, because I was having one of my funny shows. So, you see, I don't judge you.

William Hanson 0:25:05 Thank you.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:05 These fears are irrational, ludicrous, and dare I say, hilarious. They are.

William Hanson 0:25:11 We did an episode last year on pet peeves.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:14 We did.

William Hanson 0:25:15 Revisiting that topic just a soupçon now. Have we got any new ones? Things that we don't like? Or existing pet peeves?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:24 Well, I have obviously, while we've been doing the Luxury Podcast, I've been doing a lot of train travel coming down into— You have, yes. And I think it's safe to say that people on the train generally—

William Hanson 0:25:34 Are annoying.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:35 Are my pet peeve. Do you know what I had to witness today?

William Hanson 0:25:38 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:38 On the train. I took a photo because I thought, I— you're not going to believe this. I got on the train to come here today, and Look what somebody had left on the seat.

William Hanson 0:25:50 Oh, a dental stick.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:51 Someone had left on the seat one of those things that you stick and do— An interdental. An interdental flossing thing.

William Hanson 0:26:00 Oh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:00 They just left it on the seat. These people should be horsewhipped.

William Hanson 0:26:04 They should be.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:04 People who travel on public transport are hideous.

William Hanson 0:26:08 Do you know what I don't like? And it happened a lot. It developed whilst I was in the show the first time around. The loo, people who— in cubicle loos, it's obviously locked and it goes red. People who don't even bother looking at the red, they just— they must be colourblind. They just push the door. And obviously it doesn't open because it's locked. But you're sitting there in your moment's peace. Look at the— it clearly says it's locked. Or it says engaged. Don't try pushing the door. And they just whiz round and push it.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:41 They live in their own world. People live in their own world now. They just don't think. They never think of anyone.

William Hanson 0:26:46 And it's startling.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:47 It is.

William Hanson 0:26:48 You're sitting there, minding your own business.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:52 Yes, having a quiet little moment. Yes, Donald.

William Hanson 0:26:53 You shit yourself.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:54 Oh dear. Well, oh, is that— is that the phone ringing?

William Hanson 0:27:06 Yes, we're not scared of the phone.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:07 We're not? I better get it. It's bound to be someone very important.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:50 Welcome back, Bucketheads. We've been discussing pet peeves and fears, and it's now time for your questions. So let's check out our heaving bags of post, shall we? If you have something on your mind that needs a luxury touch, always remember postman@luxurypodcast.co.uk is the place for your queries and your questions. Also, a reminder, you can watch these episodes on Patreon if you join our Luxury Members Club. Just head over to luxurypodcast.co.uk to join.

William Hanson 0:29:37 Also on our Patreon this week, on our Luxury Members Club, it went out a few days ago, is our tour when you took me up around the back of Mercadona.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:43 Oh, I took you well and truly around the back, didn't I?

William Hanson 0:29:45 Which is hilarious.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:46 Yes.

William Hanson 0:29:47 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:48 Well worth a watch.

William Hanson 0:29:49 Right, this first one is from Brian. Dear sirs, Jonathan and William, one of my biggest pet peeves is having the big light on. It's something I've always hated and much prefer the ambiance of a table lamp when lighting a room. If the main light in my home is put on, I will without fail turn it straight off. My husband thinks I'm being ridiculous, but I feel my executive and luxury light fittings are for decorative purposes only. Am I right in saying it's not luxurious to have a big light on, or am I being silly? Your opinions would be most helpful. Yours sincerely, Brian. Completely agree.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:18 I'm gonna work on the basis, Brian, you're under the age of 40.

William Hanson 0:30:23 What, do you turn the big light on when you're over 40?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:25 I've got to break something to you, William. How old are you now? 35.

William Hanson 0:30:30 I'm approaching 30 from the wrong direction.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:33 Yeah. What are you? Are you 36?

William Hanson 0:30:35 We'll go with it.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:37 Okay.

William Hanson 0:30:37 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:38 You're not 37 yet.

William Hanson 0:30:39 Yeah, I know. Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:40 No, you're not.

William Hanson 0:30:40 I am actually, yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:41 You're 37?

William Hanson 0:30:42 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:43 Are you really?

William Hanson 0:30:44 I know.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:44 You're catching me up. You are.

William Hanson 0:30:46 Well, I'm not.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:47 I've got some bad news for you. When you get to 40, everything starts going wrong with your body. Everything, literally everything. It's one thing after another. And one of the most obvious and frustrating things is your eyes go. The muscles in your eyes go.

William Hanson 0:31:06 Right.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:06 In fact, I've noticed you've come in wearing some devilish glasses today yourself. Thank you, yes. It's already started, you see.

William Hanson 0:31:12 Who said that?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:13 It gets, it gets much worse. And I used to be one of those people that could not stand a big light. Now—

William Hanson 0:31:22 No, Jonathan.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:23 I go into a room and I think, I can't see what I'm doing. I need to put the big light on. And I've become one of those people now that puts the blooming big light on, because otherwise I can't see what I'm doing.

William Hanson 0:31:35 Sometimes that's helpful. No, it's so harsh. Bathrooms. Yes. When you're cleaning, Yes, in a kitchen area, fine.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:50 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:31:50 But in a living space?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:52 Yeah, but I can't see what I'm eating. I mean, literally now, I can't see what I'm eating. I have to put the big light on to see my plate.

William Hanson 0:31:59 Brian, I'm with you. It's not irrational at all.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:07 Yeah, but wait, wait till it happens to you, Brian. You love your big light on. Oh, Sarah has been in touch with us.

William Hanson 0:32:12 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:12 She says, hello, gorgeous chaps. Get you, sorry, you devil. I have a weird fear. Teeth. Especially, especially teeth that have been removed and have the root attached. Ugh. When my children have lost teeth and run to show me them, I have to physically stop myself throwing up. I've been told I'm weird, but I prefer to think of myself as having a luxury phobia because no one else seems to have it. Do you gents see where I'm coming from with this fear?

William Hanson 0:32:50 No. No. No, but if it's your fear, it's your fear.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:52 I do remember though, as a child, a tooth coming out once, and it did have hairs.

William Hanson 0:32:57 Oh. Oh, I thought the root was just this pointy bit.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:01 No, I remember a tooth coming out, and it had hairs that stuck up.

William Hanson 0:33:05 Hairs? Yeah, well, they're like roots, aren't they?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:08 Like a plant. You know when you dig a plant up? Yeah. You know the roots?

William Hanson 0:33:11 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:11 It's like that.

William Hanson 0:33:12 Oh, I thought it's just like a, you know.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:15 No, it had big old roots on there.

William Hanson 0:33:17 You know the story of my brother when I had a wobbly tooth as a child?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:20 Remind me. I think you've told me this before. And he was so—

William Hanson 0:33:23 apparently I was going on about it that it wouldn't fall out, but yet would not let anyone go near it to pull it out. So my brother got a frying pan and whacked me over the mouth with it.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:30 Yes, I do remember that.

William Hanson 0:33:31 And it came flying out.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:32 Yeah. I'm just— I'm looking now to see whether or not I've just imagined that it had a— I don't want to—

William Hanson 0:33:38 maybe— don't show me, because maybe I'll have Sarah slash Sarah's—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:41 Oh, I can't find anything. I might have just imagined that, Little hairy teeth. I'm sure it had some hairs that came out of it. Anyway, Sarah, no, we don't understand what you're talking about.

William Hanson 0:33:50 This is from Shelley. Hello, William and JVS. An absolute pet peeve of mine is when mothers name their newborn child a simple name but spell it using unnecessary extra letters, like Kaileigh, K-A-I-L-E-I-G-H, or Emily, E-M-I-L-E-I-G-H. It seems very common. What are your thoughts on the matter? Well, this is from Shelley, who spelled S-H-E-double-L-I-E as opposed to a simple Y.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:16 Oh, look at you, you devil.

William Hanson 0:34:19 But I get it. Actually, going back to our previous correspondent, Sarah or Sarah, because sometimes people, that's pronounced Sarah, others it's pronounced Sarah. Yeah, again, if you're called a name like my mother's called Sarah, she's Sarah with an H, she must spend her life going Sarah with an H. Or if you're Stephen, P-H. Stephen, V. Whereas William, even Jonathan actually, there are various spellings.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:41 Well, there's a certain somebody who works on the Luxury Podcast who— Oh, I had words with him yesterday. Who insists on writing my name with an H.

Speaker G 0:34:49 I told him off yesterday, don't worry.

William Hanson 0:34:51 Who?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:51 Because of the H? Every time. I think, for goodness' sake, one of your biggest earners. Yeah, so Shelley, you know, I think with a name like Kayleigh or Emily—

William Hanson 0:35:02 I mean, I don't actually know how you'd spell Kayleigh. How would you spell Kayleigh?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:09 Oh, I don't know. K-A-Y-L-E-I-G-H.

William Hanson 0:35:14 Yeah, Kayleigh without shi— Emily, yes, I think that's silly. Hannah and Anna.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:20 I once went to school with a girl called Kate who, I remember, she suddenly decided, uh, she announced to the whole class that she'd decided that she was going to spell her name K-A-Y-T-E.

William Hanson 0:35:31 Well, on Sex Ed, we talked about Jordan's mother, Wendy, who when Jordan started to become a bit famous decided she'd be Wendy with an I because it was her showbiz name. So when she went on Lorraine to be interviewed, they spelt it Wendy with an I North.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:44 With an I.

William Hanson 0:35:45 Even though on the birth certificate it's with a Y. So it happens. God bless.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:51 Oh, how funny. Well, do you know what? I think that's more than enough luxury for today. We will of course be back tomorrow for one of our bonus episodes. I can't wait. It's gonna be gripping. Until then, goodbye!