Bumpy Yacht and Dodging Buoys (Frigiliana Special)

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:01:02 Hello and welcome to The Luxury Podcast. My name is Jonathan Vernon-Smith, and with me is William Hanson. This is the podcast that helps you live a more luxury life.

William Hanson 0:01:22 Hello, Jonathan. I'm here to help you create the everyday moments of luxury that make life worth living, whatever your budget. So welcome to the podcast.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:01:28 Welcome to another bonus episode of The Luxury Podcast, where William and I trade tips and stories from our own luxury lifestyles, as well as delving into our lovely great big male sacks. So, William, William, have you had a good week?

William Hanson 0:01:50 It was going very well.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:01:52 Very well.

William Hanson 0:01:53 Until half an hour ago. We are on board Contessa Dos, our boat. We are somewhere in the— what sea is this?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:00 This is in the Mediterranean, William.

William Hanson 0:02:01 Mediterranean Sea. We're all, especially me, feeling a little queasy.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:06 It's quite choppy today, so we're bobbing up and down. Pam from the pools on the Rosé.

William Hanson 0:02:12 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:12 She's enjoying it. You having a nice time, Pam? Lovely. There you go. And the sun is out.

William Hanson 0:02:18 Oh, I mean, it is an absolutely gorgeous day. It's beautiful. The coastline looks lovely. It is just— I think I might throw up during this episode, or before we get back to dry land.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:29 Well, if you do throw up, could you Try and do so in an executive way.

William Hanson 0:02:33 I will try and do so off camera, because even our Patreon members don't need to see that. But there have been moments on this trip out here to wherever we are, I've thought, why did I say yes 15 years ago to going on the JVS Show?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:50 Well, if it makes you feel any better, William, I'm also feeling a little bit nauseous.

William Hanson 0:02:54 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:55 But the thing is, we need to get our sea legs. That's what we're lacking, our sea legs.

William Hanson 0:03:01 I mean, should we talk about the experience of getting on the boat and getting into the sea? And there is footage available that we'll put on our Luxury Members Club.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:11 Yes.

William Hanson 0:03:11 We were pulled by—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:12 A tractor!

William Hanson 0:03:14 A tractor into the sea, because there is no marina here.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:17 No.

William Hanson 0:03:18 It could do with a marina, actually. No, it

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:21 can't. They should build one.

William Hanson 0:03:22 They should build one.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:23 And name it after us.

William Hanson 0:03:24 Pam, what are you doing? Oh god.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:26 Ginger.

William Hanson 0:03:27 What? I'm just fiddling. What could you not— could you not fiddle?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:29 She's fiddling with the straps. Don't adjust the boat, Pam.

William Hanson 0:03:35 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:36 Oh, are you alright, Pam? Are you feeling a bit nauseous now? 'Cause you're on the wine as well. I don't— you've brought quite a lot of wine, and you've also brought some snacks for us. What have you brought?

Pam 0:03:47 I've brought the tuna pasta without the tuna.

William Hanson 0:03:52 'Cause we don't like fish.

Pam 0:03:53 You don't like fish.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:54 So what did you put in it?

Pam 0:03:55 Spicy

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:55 sausage. She knows us so well.

William Hanson 0:04:00 Oh, now that's nice, because the boat has seemed— we've sort of done a 180, and we've turned around. And it's now— we're not blaring in the sun, 'cause we've left the sun cream in the car. I've got spuff on my face. Are you sun creamed up?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:14 I'm all oiled up.

William Hanson 0:04:15 Right. Pam got out some spritz. I have slightly spritzed myself. But it was mainly for the face, isn't it, Pam?

Pam 0:04:21 Yeah, it's good stuff. It's factor 30, so you'll be fine.

William Hanson 0:04:25 Fine.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:26 Protect your lovely skin.

William Hanson 0:04:28 Exactly. I have had a spray tan, but Pam actually just looked at me and said I looked pale. So even underneath the spray tan.

Pam 0:04:35 I was thinking Casper.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:38 You were thinking

William Hanson 0:04:39 Casper?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:41 Oh gosh. So is this your first time on board a yacht like this, William? Your first and last.

William Hanson 0:04:47 Definitely first on board. I think the last boat I was on—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:50 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:04:51 Was the Queen Mary 2.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:52 And did it bob up and down like Contessa 2?

William Hanson 0:04:56 Well, it did, but you didn't feel it. Well, actually, the last boat I was on was the QE2. That was with you, but that was in a dry dock, so…

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:02 Yes, I seem to have just slopped some of the water down my top because of the bobby water. Now, I'm slightly concerned that we seem to be drifting towards the Yellow Buoys. We've been told we mustn't go further inland than the yellow buoys. So who's keeping an eye on the yellow buoys?

William Hanson 0:05:22 Pam, supposedly. But you've been staring at us, Pam, not at the sea.

Pam 0:05:26 I'm sorry, I'm just so amused. I think we're fine.

William Hanson 0:05:32 I think we're fine.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:33 We're okay for now.

William Hanson 0:05:34 We picked up the boat in a lovely boatyard.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:39 Well—

Pam 0:05:39 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:40 It wasn't a lovely place.

William Hanson 0:05:42 You wouldn't want to be around there at night.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:43 No.

William Hanson 0:05:44 No. Because you might get—

Pam 0:05:47 Dog food.

William Hanson 0:05:47 Yeah, there was a Rottweiler.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:50 There was a Rottweiler that was spatchcocked on the floor. And there was a small white dog that Pam tried to stroke until the man said, I wouldn't stroke that one.

Pam 0:05:58 Don't. You need your hand.

William Hanson 0:06:01 But he was very friendly, and he's given us all the instructions. He gave us an anchor instruction.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:06 He did, yes. I don't think we're going to drop anchor. No. Because, um, I'm worried that we won't manage to pull it back up again.

William Hanson 0:06:14 Yeah, because it looks quite complicated.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:16 It did look complicated. When I said to the man, what happens if it gets snagged on something? He kind of said, well, don't worry, I don't think it will. Which wasn't very reassuring.

William Hanson 0:06:25 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:26 I do think we need to reverse. We're getting very close.

Pam 0:06:29 But as William said, it looked like a squid.

William Hanson 0:06:31 It did look like a squid.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:32 It did look like a squid, right. Right, Freddie's going to push us up. Viral Freddie is going to start us up. Do you know what you're doing, Freddie? Oh God, hang on. You see, I am the captain, so—

Pam 0:06:42 Freddie, you have to press the right buttons!

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:44 Hang on. Turn the key. Yeah, turn it.

William Hanson 0:06:48 If I'm a bit quiet on this episode, everyone, it's because I might throw up.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:55 So Freddie is now reversing. You're doing a lovely job there reversing, Freddie, without cameras or parking sense.

William Hanson 0:07:04 You're, of course, you're used to that in the model car you have.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:07 In the heritage model. Yes. Oh, that's better, Freddie. Well done.

William Hanson 0:07:13 Thank you.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:13 Lovely. Well, we've now—

William Hanson 0:07:17 Freddie wants to move us away from the boys. He's broken out in a cold sweat.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:31 Oh, look at that view, William.

William Hanson 0:07:33 So we're looking at Frigg, the white— well, no, we're not. Well, yeah, Frigg must be up there.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:37 That's Myrka. Frigg's up there. In fact, can you see my villa?

William Hanson 0:07:40 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:41 Up in the mountains.

William Hanson 0:07:42 Yes, gorgeous.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:44 Up in the distance. Oh, it's lovely. You see, if you just look at the horizon, William, you won't feel at all nauseous.

William Hanson 0:07:50 Do you know, I've been trying that.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:51 Did it work?

William Hanson 0:07:52 No. Did

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:54 it not?

William Hanson 0:07:55 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:56 So are you having a lovely time so far? I mean, yesterday was a long old day, wasn't it?

William Hanson 0:08:00 Yes, yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:01 It was.

William Hanson 0:08:02 It was a long day, but it was a fun day. Yeah. We had a lovely time.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:05 We did have a lovely time.

William Hanson 0:08:06 Very relaxed.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:07 And we had a nice bite to eat.

William Hanson 0:08:08 Let's not talk about that.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:10 Oh no.

William Hanson 0:08:16 All I'll say is Sadie was very disappointed she wasn't able to come on this trip. Sadie…

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:22 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:08:23 This bit, you're not missing. You're not missing anything.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:29 Just think, imagine you're on a lilo in the pool.

William Hanson 0:08:32 Who? I don't

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:36 know. But who says bam? Oh dear.

William Hanson 0:08:39 Are you having fun? Obviously, 'cause you are the Frigg expert. Are you having fun on this trip? We're not ruining it for you.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:45 No, no, I'm thoroughly enjoying it. I'm doing quite a lot of driving.

William Hanson 0:08:48 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:49 So I'm staying far more sober than I normally would do. But— But no, I'm thoroughly enjoying having you two here.

William Hanson 0:08:58 Oh, well, it's lovely to be here.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:00 It's been great fun. The whole gang together.

William Hanson 0:09:04 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:05 And Pam from the pool joining us on ship, on board. Kate comes today. And Kate is coming later on.

William Hanson 0:09:12 Lovely. Hopefully I'll still be alive.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:15 The whole gang will be here. Oh, you've got hours before we eat tonight. Let's not talk about eating.

William Hanson 0:09:20 No. No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:21 I think it's safe to say this isn't quite the yacht that I thought I was booking.

William Hanson 0:09:25 Oh! No, I thought you were buying— buying? Built? Renting? Hiring? Chartering. That's the word. Chartering a bigger vessel with 2 decks and a fridge. Because with all this wine that we've got—

Pam 0:09:42 Yes.

William Hanson 0:09:43 Just a moment.

Pam 0:09:46 Just a quick swallow.

William Hanson 0:09:53 I just thought we might be somewhere bigger. But no. But it's very nice. The floor is dirty.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:00 Yeah, the floor is dirty.

William Hanson 0:10:03 Because you have to walk through that dirty, muddy boatyard to get on board. So your shoes are filthy.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:11 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:10:11 I don't want to talk about your shoes. You've got sort of like—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:13 I've got Menorcan sandals.

William Hanson 0:10:15 Yeah, they're mule slingbacks.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:16 Yeah, they are. Morkans slingbacks for a luxury man in the Med?

William Hanson 0:10:23 Yes. Really?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:24 Yeah. Well, I wore them because I thought, should I fall overboard, it's not going to be the end of the world. Whereas if I'm wearing my deck shoes, I'd be mortified if my Sperrys went hayward.

William Hanson 0:10:38 Yeah. I'm going to— I wonder.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:43 Yes.

William Hanson 0:10:43 'Cause we've got things to read. We've got listener problems and correspondence. Yeah, I'm not reading them on board. I'm just going to put that out there.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:50 Okay, well, what we could do— So

William Hanson 0:10:52 we could do— we could always do part 2 still on the boat, but in the dockyard.

Pam 0:10:56 Oh no.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:57 No, Pam doesn't want to be in the dockyard. It would be more stable in the dockyard, Pam.

William Hanson 0:11:04 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:06 Well,

William Hanson 0:11:06 so I wonder if we just gently mosey on back. Mosey on back.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:11 Well— oh!

Pam 0:11:11 Do you not want to just do it by the pool?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:13 By the pool? Second half. Yeah, we could do the second half by the pool. That's a good idea.

William Hanson 0:11:18 I think the correlation is it's dry land.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:20 Yeah, that's true. Okay, well, we will say goodbye now, and probably all go and chuck our guts up.

William Hanson 0:11:33 We hope.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:33 We hope!

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:51 Welcome back, Bucketheads. You last found us in the Mediterranean. By the way, if you're listening to this episode, of course it's scintillating, but you can watch all of the various goings-on in our Luxury Members Club. Just go to luxurypodcast.co.uk and you can join the club there.

William Hanson 0:14:15 Jonathan is freeballing it without a script.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:18 I am free, freeballing, absolutely.

William Hanson 0:14:21 Now we have moved from the boat to the pool.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:24 We have.

William Hanson 0:14:25 Or beside the pool.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:25 Because you were about to chuck your guts up.

William Hanson 0:14:29 Oh, excuse me, I think you'll find all of us, bar Pam, from the pool.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:32 Pam, literally, she was knocking back the rosé.

William Hanson 0:14:36 And she kept saying to me, went, William, do you want a drink? No, no, Pam, I don't want a drink. And then she'd go, what did you have for breakfast? Stop talking to me about food!

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:45 She's from the north.

William Hanson 0:14:46 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:47 Women in the north, they're built differently, William.

William Hanson 0:14:49 They are.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:50 They're more robust.

William Hanson 0:14:52 But we have lost— I say we've lost Pam. Not overboard.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:57 We left her at the Mercadona.

William Hanson 0:14:59 We did, but we're now at your lovely villa, where we were yesterday for yesterday's episode.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:07 That's right.

William Hanson 0:15:08 Back on safe land. And as Pam said to us as we were saying goodbye, 'cause I was still feeling a bit weird, she was like, oh, You just give it time and your libido will come back. I think the word is equilibrium, Pam. But I'm pleased to report my libido slash equilibrium is back.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:33 Isn't she a hoot?

William Hanson 0:15:36 She is a hoot.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:36 She's a hoot, yeah. Watching her try and get out of that boat was enjoyable.

William Hanson 0:15:48 It was a bit dicey.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:49 It really was!

William Hanson 0:15:51 For all of us.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:52 I mean, what a peculiar morning we had.

William Hanson 0:15:55 Such a peculiar— I mean, I will be honest with you.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:57 What, you were about to throw up?

William Hanson 0:16:00 I have never wanted to get off a boat more. And I've just done 7 weeks of a musical about the Titanic. Okay? I wanted to get off that boat.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:07 It was— you know when we would go up and down and up and down? Oh gosh, I don't. It really was. It was quite extreme, William, wasn't it?

William Hanson 0:16:15 It was extreme.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:16 But never mind.

William Hanson 0:16:17 Never mind. We're here now.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:18 We're on dry land. We've got gin and tonics on the go.

William Hanson 0:16:21 Pam was also there, trying to force the drink down me with an array of very expensive alcoholic beverages. I hate the word— why have I just used the word beverage? It's 'cause I'm in Spain, you see. It's contagious.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:34 She came with 5 litres of booze.

William Hanson 0:16:39 Yep.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:40 She came with a bottle of red, A bottle of Carver.

William Hanson 0:16:43 Mhm. You say a bottle. It was a carton.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:46 No, the Carver was in a bottle.

William Hanson 0:16:49 The Carver was in the bottle.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:50 And the red was in a bottle.

William Hanson 0:16:51 Oh, that was the nice expensive stuff.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:52 And then she came with 3 cartons of red, white, and rosé.

William Hanson 0:16:57 And she got through them all.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:58 Well, she got through most of the rosé.

William Hanson 0:17:01 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:01 No doubt about it. And I just couldn't believe it. She was sitting there with this kind of mug of wine.

William Hanson 0:17:08 Yep.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:08 And she put a straw in it because she couldn't get it in her mouth. Only by inserting a straw could she actually get it in her body. But she loved it, didn't she? She loved

William Hanson 0:17:31 it. She did. She loved the whole experience.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:33 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:17:33 Which was nice.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:34 And considering that yard, I mean—

William Hanson 0:17:36 Oh my God, that dog yard.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:38 Well, So, in my mind, I knew there was no marina in Nørrebro. I knew there was no marina, William.

William Hanson 0:17:45 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:46 But I had imagined that the boatyard would not necessarily

William Hanson 0:17:51 be— It looked like somewhere you're taken to be murdered.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:57 It was kind of— although—

William Hanson 0:17:58 They were also servicing a car.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:00 They were— well, yeah, demolishing a car. But it was a bit Florida. Didn't you think it was a bit funny?

William Hanson 0:18:06 Florida?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:07 Yeah, they have those kinds of—

William Hanson 0:18:08 Not in the parts of Florida I go to.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:09 No, they have those boatyards in Florida. Yeah, and people are working on boats. But it was like nothing— No, they weren't.

William Hanson 0:18:16 They were working on a car.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:17 Well, they were working on a car. But the man driving the tractor who plopped us in the sea—

William Hanson 0:18:25 With his corrugated tin roof on his tractor.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:27 I said to Adam, Does he do that all day? And he went— His entire day's work is spent plopping people in the sea in a tractor.

William Hanson 0:18:41 Well, there are worse ways to make a living.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:43 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:18:43 And we had actually the lunch that we had after the boat before this in the ad break. We had some lovely Frigiliana gin, didn't we?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:52 Well, you did.

William Hanson 0:18:53 Oh yeah, you had a survey first.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:54 I had beers, yeah.

William Hanson 0:18:55 We had absolutely glorious gin.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:58 Frigiliana gin.

William Hanson 0:18:59 Sadly served in stupid balloon goblets. I know. Rather than tumblers.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:03 Unfortunately, that dreadful fashion has caught on worldwide. Stop serving your gin in bowls. Nobody likes it.

William Hanson 0:19:10 What did happen is we got hit in the face with ice.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:13 Exactly. That's what always happens.

William Hanson 0:19:15 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:16 It's disgusting.

William Hanson 0:19:17 Absolutely vile.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:19 Yeah. Anyway, we're back round the pool, luxuriating in the Spanish sunshine.

William Hanson 0:19:25 Another conversation I had with Pam, once we finished, once we were sort of pootling on back.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:31 What did she say?

William Hanson 0:19:32 She was telling me all about, you know, her previous life in theatre in Manchester, where she worked at a particular theatre. And obviously I lived in Manchester for 9 years. She knew that. She went, oh, you must have, you must have come. We must have like overlapped at points. And I said, oh yeah, probably. I mean, I was there for 9 years, Pam. What years did you work at the theatre? And she went, 1996 to 2002. It's like, you bitch. I don't look that old.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:07 I'm not sure that time really has much significance to Pam from the Pole. If she's got a rosé, you know, 1992 is like yesterday, to be perfectly honest.

William Hanson 0:20:19 I said, no, I moved there in 2008. She went, oh. That was it?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:24 She had— I mean, let's just go back to the boat. That boat was literally going up and down, up and down.

William Hanson 0:20:36 What, did you see a picture of it before you hired it?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:39 No! I thought I was hiring a yacht! William, how many times do I need to tell you I chartered a yacht? It's not my fault we got contested.

William Hanson 0:20:52 Now, I think this is on me, because I said that you could book the yacht.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:58 Yes.

William Hanson 0:20:58 Because after the drama of getting into the Balkan, I said, you can do the yacht.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:03 Exactly.

William Hanson 0:21:04 I think I should've done the yacht. We also got on that yacht—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:08 The tractor. The tractor. We got pushed into the sea by a tractor. William and Michael pushed into the centre!

William Hanson 0:21:26 And pulled out. You had to steer it right in between quite a narrow gap.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:34 It was the most hilarious thing already! Oh dear, oh dear.

William Hanson 0:21:41 But also, in 5 days' time, we're not allowed to do that anymore.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:47 We were the last people to be able to do it without a licence.

William Hanson 0:21:51 Yeah. No, you— and he was telling you where you could go and how you could get your licence. And as he was saying it to you, I thought, there's not a hope in hell he's doing that.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:02 Exactly not. Well, particularly with— we've not got sea legs, have we?

William Hanson 0:22:07 We absolutely don't have sea legs.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:08 Not got sea legs. But was— I mean, wasn't it funny? You could not have made it up.

William Hanson 0:22:13 I mean, it's funny now. I don't— I think I haven't listened back to part 1, but I will have said 3 words. I felt like I was the guest on my own podcast. I hardly spoke.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:27 You were definitely struggling.

William Hanson 0:22:30 Pam said, she went, you've gone white like Casper. I said, Pam, I've had a spray tan.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:35 You've gone white like Casper!

William Hanson 0:22:41 That's Casper the Friendly Ghost for anyone that doesn't understand the reference.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:45 I thought you'd gone more green. You went a funny colour. I've never seen a human being go that colour. Honestly. It was kind of yellowy. You know that Las Tres Brujas spray I bought you? Yeah. It was that colour. Like a luminous yellowy green. But it was one of those things, William, that only we can do.

William Hanson 0:23:08 Only we can do.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:10 We chartered a luxury yacht. And made us seasick and had to be towed into the sea by a tractor!

William Hanson 0:23:20 And then we had a lovely tour of Frigg, which you get— which you can— we saw a bit of Frigg last night, but we saw Frigg by day.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:30 You

William Hanson 0:23:30 can see that on luxurypodcast.co.uk, our members club. Oh, you can also, for the few tickets that remain for Walthamstow— Luxury Life, you can get them there as well.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:39 Yes.

William Hanson 0:23:40 We should say.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:40 Yes, and you must join us because—

William Hanson 0:23:42 It's fast approaching.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:43 William, we're doing our photoshoot.

William Hanson 0:23:50 Well, I kept saying, should we do a photo? And I was being shot down by both you and Freddie.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:54 Tomorrow. We'll do our photoshoot tomorrow. We'll have to.

William Hanson 0:23:58 Okay. We'll have to come up with some photos to show. Otherwise, it's a very short show.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:02 All of the— The attendees at Luxury Live will get to see an exclusive snapshot of our holiday photos.

William Hanson 0:24:10 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:11 Yeah, quite.

William Hanson 0:24:12 Right, should we get on to some listener correspondence?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:15 Yes!

William Hanson 0:24:16 Jonathan's put his glasses over his sunglasses.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:21 Well, we're in the— it's— what is the time now? 25 past 5. The sun's coming down in Frigg. And it's hot as anything, isn't it? It's like an oven.

William Hanson 0:24:32 I'm alright. I'm a comfortable temperature.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:34 Oh, I'm glad you are.

William Hanson 0:24:35 Having got in the pool earlier, and we potentially think my spray tan's washed off.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:38 Yes.

William Hanson 0:24:39 Because the worst thing you can do with a spray tan is get in a chlorinated swimming pool.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:43 It's very chlorinated,

William Hanson 0:24:45 yep.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:45 Anyway, let's get on to some of our correspondence, because we've got a great big overflowing mail sack.

William Hanson 0:24:51 This one is from Elizabeth Hansen, with an E though. Not the right spelling, but we'll allow.

William Hanson 0:24:56 Back in the '90s, It says, Dear Jonathan and William, actually. Back in the '90s, when men still wore ties to parties, I used to entertain men by asking them if they knew how many gold stripes their tie had. Well, you're a hoot. Most were completely oblivious to the fact that there was such a thing, but delighted to turn their tie over and investigate whether they had 1 or 5 gold stripes on their tie. I always thought it was a rather great way to flirt.

William Hanson 0:25:21 I could grab their tie in a coy way and get a little touchy. Oh. Unfortunately, my technique never created any lasting romantic relationships, and I'm still single. I'm wondering if you know about the gold stripes and whether you have looked at your ties to see how many gold stripes they have. And more importantly, do you know whether the number of stripes was ever a genuine industry standard or whether it was simply a marketing ploy?

William Hanson 0:25:41 Sincerely, Elizabeth Hanson.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:43 Elizabeth, you odd bod! What the hell's wrong with you?

William Hanson 0:25:46 Well, over to our '90s correspondent.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:48 Who da— Nobody counts the number of gold bands.

William Hanson 0:25:52 I don't think I have gold bands on my ties.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:54 No! Well, I have got a few banded ties.

William Hanson 0:25:58 Yeah, like stripy ties. Yeah, but I don't think they're gold bands.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:02 What are you talking about?

William Hanson 0:26:03 Elizabeth, can you tell us more about that? Can you get in touch? Because I want to know about— it's the sort of thing I should know.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:08 Is she implying that there's a significance to the number of bands you have?

William Hanson 0:26:12 Yeah, is it like a bit like an army general?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:14 Or the handkerchiefs out of your back pocket?

William Hanson 0:26:17 Yes, the handkerchief code.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:18 Oh, we've got 10 bands! You know what he wants.

William Hanson 0:26:24 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:25 Oh, Angie's been in touch, William.

William Hanson 0:26:27 Oh, Angie.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:28 She says, hello, Jonathan and William. My mom and I—

William Hanson 0:26:31 Oh, she's American.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:32 My mom and I were flying out of Orlando, Florida.

William Hanson 0:26:36 Oh, it's Angie Markowitz. We know her. She came to Luxury Live last year.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:39 During spring break. Oh, Angie, you—

William Hanson 0:26:42 Shall I translate?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:43 You reek of American. Which, as you can imagine, was absolutely Absolute airport hell. I have TSA PreCheck. What's that?

William Hanson 0:26:54 What's TSA PreCheck?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:56 Gosh.

William Hanson 0:26:56 Oh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:57 It sounds like a check for a fungus.

William Hanson 0:26:58 No, TSA PreCheck is— you have to get sort of vetted. And then it means that you can get— you don't need to take your shoes off, your belt off. They sort of don't really care.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:09 Oh.

William Hanson 0:27:09 And you just sort of sail through security. You know what America's like. You bung them $100 and That's fine, you're not a terrorist. That's how it works.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:16 My mum at the time did not, she says. So I could sail through security while she was facing what looked like a 2-hour line. Obviously, I wasn't going to abandon my mother. But equally obviously, I had absolutely no intention of standing in that line for 2 hours. Then I spotted a wheelchair. I immediately put my mother in it. I said, try to look poorly. She was horrified, but went along with it. I wheeled her confidently towards security, looking every inch the devoted daughter caring for her poor, frail mother. And it worked.

William Hanson 0:28:04 Wow.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:04 So there I was, triumphantly wheeling my perfectly healthy mother through Orlando Airport while encouraging her to look vaguely unwell. Well, needless to say, my mother now has her own TSA PreCheck number.

William Hanson 0:28:18 Well done.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:18 Partly for convenience, but mostly because I don't think she ever wants to hear me say, quick, get in the wheelchair, again. And Jim Markowitz, gold member. OMG.

William Hanson 0:28:31 It is the way forward, TSA PreCheck, if you're going to America a lot. Or indeed, Global Entry. I have been entered globally. I don't know if you know that. It's what—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:40 I'd imagined. I've heard the rumours.

William Hanson 0:28:46 I have. Only rumours. No, but it is the way forward. Because then you can arrive so much quicker.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:58 Yes.

William Hanson 0:28:59 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:00 Quick, Shelley's been in touch, William.

William Hanson 0:29:04 Oh yes, shall I read Shelley?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:05 Yeah, go on.

William Hanson 0:29:06 Dear William and Jonathan, what is the most luxury way to get rescued if you fall out of the boat in the middle of the Mediterranean Sea?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:12 Don't send Pam in. That was the other thing we didn't mention.

William Hanson 0:29:17 What? She

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:18 can't swim? Pam can't swim. And she refused to wear a life jacket because it wasn't the right shade of orange.

William Hanson 0:29:32 She bet it's not my shade of orange.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:34 Oh dear.

William Hanson 0:29:35 'Cause that's how it works, Pam. Does one splash about making as many waves as possible while screaming help, or does one remember some sort of decorum and keep face, all the while hoping some handsome lifeguard will spot them? Yours, Shelley. There weren't a lot of people around, to be fair. So had we had—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:52 We were quite a long way out at sea.

William Hanson 0:29:53 Yeah, but I thought it would be busier.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:55 Well, thank goodness it wasn't.

William Hanson 0:29:57 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:58 We didn't want to mash anyone up in our propeller. Gotta be very careful.

William Hanson 0:30:02 I was very worried when we were then sort of going back into the— onto dry land, and Adam jumped on the back of the boat, and you were sort of— you're doing all your—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:09 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:30:09 I thought, oof.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:10 He was quite forthright, wasn't he? He was like, put it forward! Put it forward! He was Irish.

William Hanson 0:30:16 It's uncanny. It's like he's here.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:23 But as we were heading back, unfortunately, we were told we had to stay on one side of the yellow buoy. Yeah. And Pam—

William Hanson 0:30:30 That's the thing in the water.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:31 Pam thought it was bollards.

William Hanson 0:30:34 Yes. She went, you gotta stay inside the bollards. I was like, Pam, they're boys.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:38 Bollards.

William Hanson 0:30:41 And then I thought, then I did think, and Pam, I don't know if you listen or not, but I thought as I said that to her, I sounded a little bit condescending and that she was a bit offended. So I was like, oh yeah, but they're all the same really, aren't they? It's all the same thing. Just to try to, 'cause she did actually look a bit offended in her surprised that I had corrected her. But I don't know whether she was offended.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:58 She'd had a litre of rosé, William. She couldn't care less.

William Hanson 0:31:02 Okay, good.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:03 Oh, Rashad's been in touch.

William Hanson 0:31:04 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:05 Rashad says, dear William and Jonathan, hope your luxurious holiday is as executive and luxurious as we're all imagining it is. Do you carry your personal hygiene products when travelling? For example, shampoo, hair conditioner, soap, shaving equipment? Or do you use what's provided by the hotel? And if you do carry it, how do you ensure no leakage on your luxury luggage? Much thanks, Rashad.

William Hanson 0:31:36 Well, I do— no, I do use my own stuff. And I just make sure it's all very tight before I put it in. Don't, boys, please! I mean, sometimes, to be fair, when I then arrive, it's not tight when I take it out. Because it's loosened over the flight.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:57 Stop it.

William Hanson 0:31:57 What?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:58 Well, I always take my own.

William Hanson 0:32:01 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:02 Because as you know, I only use—

William Hanson 0:32:04 Enerdepravia.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:06 Enerdepravia. Don't say it like that. I like Enerdepravia. I like Enerdepravia. I like my luxury blonde shampoo for that hair class of blonde. And—

William Hanson 0:32:19 Can we call it blonde still?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:20 Silver blonde. Silver. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Why, what colour do you think my hair is?

William Hanson 0:32:30 Ash.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:30 Captain Cap.

William Hanson 0:32:31 It's because I've been in the pool.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:34 Of course you have. Take your cap off.

William Hanson 0:32:36 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:36 Exactly. Oh yeah, no, I always take my own. I don't rely on the hotel.

William Hanson 0:32:44 No. Even if it— I know it's going to be nice stuff, I would still rather use my own stuff.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:49 Yeah. Well, you like your own fragrance, don't you?

William Hanson 0:32:52 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:52 Yeah. Although down at the Balcon, have they still got that hand wash?

William Hanson 0:32:56 Yeah, don't— if you tell me what it's called, I'll be able to tell you.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:00 I don't know, but the hand wash—

William Hanson 0:33:02 They don't have body lotion.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:03 Oh.

William Hanson 0:33:04 I am a bit disappointed by that.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:06 Have you requested some?

William Hanson 0:33:07 No. I've barely been in the hotel, Jonathan.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:09 Phone down. Say, it's Mr. Hanson. I need to be creamed up.

William Hanson 0:33:14 To be fair, I tried that last night. In unrelated news, I'm now not paying for my room. Paula really went the extra mile.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:34 She did. She certainly did.

William Hanson 0:33:37 We think we met Paula, didn't we?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:38 I think that was Paula. Yeah. On reception. Very good English.

William Hanson 0:33:42 Very good.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:43 Very good. Well, do you know what?

William Hanson 0:33:45 Do you know, this has been such a lovely holiday, Jonathan.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:48 Have you loved it? I've loved it. I've loved having you. I've loved it.

William Hanson 0:33:51 It's been lovely coming to the place that I've heard so much about in the couple of years that we've been friends.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:57 You've heard me banging on about Freetown for many, many years. Well, it's been wonderful having you in my special place.

William Hanson 0:34:06 You sound like Paula. How long's that satellite dish been there?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:15 That's there for ITV.

William Hanson 0:34:17 Oh, can you get ITV?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:18 Oh yeah, all the mod cons.

William Hanson 0:34:20 Even this far down?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:21 Yeah, yeah. BBC and ITV and Sky News on that.

William Hanson 0:34:25 Is that legal?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:27 Yes, it is.

William Hanson 0:34:31 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:31 But you need a whopper. Well, I think that'll do, don't you?

William Hanson 0:34:36 Oh,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:36 it's time for you to go.

William Hanson 0:34:37 Oh no, I don't want to go. Come on.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:40 Well—

William Hanson 0:34:41 We've got a lovely dinner tonight, haven't we?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:43 We have, yes. We're going—

William Hanson 0:34:44 Another Mediterranean. And to be fair, we are here for another day tomorrow.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:47 Yes, we are. But we're having a holiday tomorrow.

William Hanson 0:34:50 Tomorrow is a holiday.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:51 We're not working.

William Hanson 0:34:51 All the work.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:52 That's right, yeah.

William Hanson 0:34:53 All the work.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:54 Getting it all crammed in. Oh, William. Well, it's been lovely. Will you come back?

William Hanson 0:34:59 Yeah, I will. I'll go to other places in between.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:02 But you'll come back?

William Hanson 0:35:03 Because I'm not— whilst I am a creature of habit and I do like going to similar places, ordering similar things, I'm not as sort of pathological with it as you are, in that I do feel I need to mix it up and see other places.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:14 Well, suit yourself. But if I'm here again, will you come back?

William Hanson 0:35:17 Oh, Jonathan, I'm not coming back without you.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:20 Oh great.

William Hanson 0:35:20 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:21 Well, you're welcome anytime. Well, I think that'll do, We will, of course, be back next Wednesday for one of our main episodes, back in Blighty. Oh,

William Hanson 0:35:31 that's going to feel such a letdown.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:32 I'm afraid it will. But until then, adios!