William Tries to Catch Jordan Out | And Who’s Spooning Who?

Jordan 0:01:00 Hello and welcome to our Friday episode. This is where we can see how much extra content we can squeeze into your week, random bits that have been sent in, and how our advice went down with you. Our wonderful Gion Davis.

William 0:01:22 How the dickens are you?

Jordan 0:01:23 I'm good. You got much on this weekend?

William 0:01:24 Do you know what? I don't have an awful lot on, which is lovely. Obviously because I've been doing the show and then I was away. Now we're into normality. It's quite nice to have a relatively empty calendar. Going to a housewarming on Friday night.

Jordan 0:01:38 Whose housewarming?

William 0:01:38 Which will be nice. Viral Fred's.

Jordan 0:01:40 Oh God.

William 0:01:41 Yep.

Jordan 0:01:41 That'll all be Chesterfields and Percys and Pimm's.

William 0:01:43 That's just the guest list.

Jordan 0:01:45 Oh yeah.

William 0:01:47 But other than that, very calm weekend.

Jordan 0:01:49 I can imagine Freddie answering the door to his dinner party.

William 0:01:52 It's a housewarming.

Jordan 0:01:53 Housewarming in a cravat and a whiskey. No, a brandy in a big brandy tumbler.

William 0:02:00 A brandy snifter.

Jordan 0:02:01 Darling! Come on in.

William 0:02:03 As if you're there.

Jordan 0:02:04 How many's going?

William 0:02:05 I don't know. I'm not organising it. I'm a guest.

Jordan 0:02:07 Jesus. Can you— I just wanna know all the details about that.

William 0:02:11 I will, I will. Once I have been, I will let you know.

Jordan 0:02:13 Every posh twink that's ever entered London will be there. And it'll be fascinating. Am I wrong or am I wrong?

William 0:02:19 Some of them are away.

Jordan 0:02:20 How are they?

William 0:02:20 Actually, he said, I mean, doing it in August, interesting time to do a party. Who'd organise a party in August?

Jordan 0:02:26 There'll be more Ralph Lauren there than a Ralph Lauren store. Am I wrong or am I wrong?

William 0:02:30 Well, yes, talking of Ralph Lauren, can we just mention, you said to me just before we started, I'm in a navy Ralph Lauren polo, and you went, I've just bought that. And I thought, oh my God, Jordan's worn— Jordan has bought my clothing.

Jordan 0:02:41 Well, all these bloody influencers on TikTok are like, if you wanna dress old money, it's like, well, I don't.

William 0:02:45 Well, what is really interesting about Ralph Lauren is in America, it is just absolutely not— I mean, it's popular in America, but it doesn't have— in Britain, it's seen as sort of—

Jordan 0:02:54 High-end.

William 0:02:55 Middle-plus class. In America, not so much. There are outlets everywhere. So, it's just, it's not the same.

Jordan 0:03:02 Oh, really?

William 0:03:02 Yeah, but an American company.

Jordan 0:03:04 Yeah, I've bought that exact one.

William 0:03:05 Well, we should coordinate.

Jordan 0:03:07 Yeah, we'll wear it together.

William 0:03:08 That would be nice. What are you doing this weekend? Bless you.

Jordan 0:03:12 I've sneezed so much this summer, there's no way I'm gonna have 7 bloody dwarves. Um, what would they be?

William 0:03:17 Only one of the dwarves was called Sneezy.

Jordan 0:03:19 I got more paddles.

William 0:03:21 Name the dwarves, go.

Jordan 0:03:22 Uh, Sneezy.

William 0:03:23 Yes.

Jordan 0:03:23 Bashful.

William 0:03:24 Yes.

Jordan 0:03:24 Uh, Grumpy. Yes. Uh,

William 0:03:28 so far it's just this studio.

Jordan 0:03:29 Sneezy, Bashful, Grumpy. Don't, because I'll get this, it'll piss me off. This might be the longest recording because we're not moving until I get it. Sneezy, Bashful, Grumpy.

William 0:03:40 Think of me.

Jordan 0:03:41 Fabulous.

William 0:03:43 Oh, bless. No. Happy.

Jordan 0:03:45 Happy, yeah. There's one weird one, like jealousy.

William 0:03:50 Doc.

Jordan 0:03:51 Doc, that's it.

William 0:03:53 Dopey.

Jordan 0:03:53 Dopey.

William 0:03:54 Have you said grumpy?

Jordan 0:03:56 Sneezy, bashful, grumpy, happy, doc, dopey. And there's always the 7th one everyone forgets about. Horny?

William 0:04:04 No. Sleepy. That was the first one.

Jordan 0:04:09 No, sneezy.

William 0:04:10 Oh, sleepy then, yeah.

Jordan 0:04:11 Sleepy, yeah.

William 0:04:12 Not in the order that they appear. Anyway. Doc's the first one, dope is the last.

Jordan 0:04:16 Paddle, and I'm just waiting for this bloody hosepipe ban to lift so I can do some gardening.

William 0:04:20 Joe, my cucumbers— oh my God, we came back from, from a week away, my cucumbers have wilted.

Jordan 0:04:24 Have they? Yes. You can have pickled cucumbers.

William 0:04:27 Well, you can, but I don't think my cucumbers ferment. I don't actually know.

Jordan 0:04:30 Are you growing cucumbers?

William 0:04:32 Yes.

Jordan 0:04:32 They're 40p from shop, why bother?

William 0:04:35 Because it's actually nice to do something.

Jordan 0:04:37 You've got— you're busy.

William 0:04:38 So?

Jordan 0:04:39 Grow something good.

William 0:04:40 I'm going to grow potatoes.

Jordan 0:04:41 Great.

William 0:04:42 That's my new thing.

Jordan 0:04:42 Grow some herbs and spices.

William 0:04:44 I'm doing herb— spices? Yeah. I'm doing herbs.

Jordan 0:04:48 Tarragon or something, I don't know.

William 0:04:49 That's not a spice.

Jordan 0:04:50 Cumin?

William 0:04:51 No, I've got mint.

Jordan 0:04:52 Yeah, great.

William 0:04:53 Thyme and oregano.

Jordan 0:04:54 Perfect. Yeah. Mint.

William 0:04:57 Yeah. Yeah, I've got—

Jordan 0:04:58 Lavender. Grow some lavender.

William 0:04:59 We've got lavender out the front.

Speaker E 0:05:01 Great. That's not a herb or a spice.

William 0:05:03 No, that's just a plant.

Jordan 0:05:04 Well, it's a smell. Oh, you lot are going to do me in this record, I can tell. Gang up on Jordan. It's not a herb or a spice. Uh, but yeah, a bit of a chilled one for me.

William 0:05:14 Lovely. Well, that's nice. Now, a few weeks ago, I mentioned that our English Manner Etiquette exam for our Train the Trainer course included the all-important question, what is the correct way to put a card in an envelope? As well as more difficult questions. So today, Jordan, inspired by that, I thought I'd put your etiquette knowledge to the test with a few more exam questions.

Jordan 0:05:32 Okay, I'll do this.

William 0:05:34 Let's see how well you have been paying attention to me, not just on this podcast, but in life, on my social media. My whole— can I just— can I actually just at this point, just because I get— the one thing I get DMs about more than anything else is what has happened to my Saturday etiquette exam that I used to do.

Jordan 0:05:49 Oh, that was class, that.

William 0:05:51 It's because Instagram took away the quiz function.

Jordan 0:05:53 Oh,

William 0:05:53 that's what happened. I literally cannot do it. We do a sort of a version of it now where we put up the poll function, and people can vote for what they think is the correct answer, and then the correct answer—

Jordan 0:06:04 Why did they get rid of that?

William 0:06:05 In my newsletter. I don't know.

Jordan 0:06:06 I used to look forward to that.

William 0:06:08 I know, I love doing them.

Jordan 0:06:09 Saturday morning.

William 0:06:10 But that's where it's gone. It's not to do with me. Anyway, we'll sort of do a version here.

Jordan 0:06:14 Okay.

William 0:06:15 How many tines— that's the prongs— does a dinner fork have?

Jordan 0:06:18 4.

William 0:06:19 Correct. Well done. Complete this sentence: Don't wear… It's multiple choice. Brown in town, black at the back, yellow, be mellow.

Jordan 0:06:28 Brown in town.

William 0:06:28 Correct.

Speaker E 0:06:29 What does that mean?

William 0:06:30 Shoes.

Jordan 0:06:31 Brown shoes in London.

William 0:06:32 Don't wear brown shoes in London with a suit. The modern necktie originated in which country? This is not multiple choice. I'll give you a clue. You have been there.

Jordan 0:06:41 It's not France. It's not Britain. America.

William 0:06:48 Correct. Well done. What is the— You're doing all correct answers so far. What is the correct style for our future King William. That's just William— actually, I was about to say his title, which would give the game away. Not me. HRH Prince William, HRH the Prince of Wales, HRH the Duke of Wales.

Jordan 0:07:05 HRH the Prince of Wales.

William 0:07:07 Correct. In which direction— oh, classic, because we talked about this on Tuesday. In which direction should you stir tea and coffee?

Jordan 0:07:14 Back to 4, or 10 to 6? Sorry, 12 to 6. Well, 12 to 6. 12 to 6.

William 0:07:20 Okay, this one's quite difficult. Last one. Which was invented last? Fork, knife, or spoon?

Jordan 0:07:25 I believe they started with a spoon. Was it— was it the spoon? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. It was— it was the knife.

William 0:07:40 Incorrect. It's the fork.

Jordan 0:07:42 Oh!

Speaker E 0:07:42 Forking hell!

William 0:07:44 So close!

Jordan 0:07:45 Fork off!

William 0:07:46 So close before. William, fork him

Jordan 0:07:48 out!

Speaker E 0:07:48 William put him off there. He was shaking his head and all over the shop. He was trying— he didn't want him to—

Jordan 0:07:53 Fork you!

William 0:07:53 Fork you.

Jordan 0:07:55 Yeah, fork.

William 0:07:56 Spoon you.

Jordan 0:07:57 Fork off.

William 0:07:58 Jordan, this is a question I've never really thought of, but if we were ever to spoon, would you be big or little spoon? You are shorter than me, so does that automatically make you little spoon?

Jordan 0:08:11 I'd probably be little spoon, would I?

William 0:08:13 Yeah, I thought so. Yeah.

Jordan 0:08:15 But we're never spooning.

William 0:08:16 No. No, no, no, no, no. But if we had— let's say—

Jordan 0:08:18 I think spooning's more intimate than probably shagging.

William 0:08:25 It is when you're spooning, shagging. Yeah.

Jordan 0:08:28 If there's a nuclear apocalypse—

Speaker E 0:08:30 Making love?

William 0:08:31 We've done this before. If nuclear apocalypse, and suddenly the world is freezing cold, and for survival, we have to spoon to share body warmth. That's what I was more thinking. Not in any

Jordan 0:08:42 other way. Yeah, 'cause that'd be warmer, so I'd have more chance to survive. survival if I was a little spoon.

William 0:08:46 Yes, I guess you would, actually.

Jordan 0:08:48 Yes, I'd go for the little spoon.

William 0:08:48 Although, do big spoons then absorb the warmth of the little spoon?

Jordan 0:08:51 Yeah, work both ways.

William 0:08:53 They must do in some way, yeah. Or we could take turns.

Jordan 0:08:56 Not a big fan of spooning. You're not? I get bored after 2 minutes.

William 0:09:00 What do you mean you get bored after 2 minutes?

Jordan 0:09:02 Your arm goes dead, the air's in your fucking mouth, it's— trying to watch telly and—

William 0:09:07 Well, you don't spoon when you're trying to watch television.

Jordan 0:09:10 No one's spooning in this weather. Are they?

William 0:09:12 Well, if you've got air conditioning or you're in a hotel.

Jordan 0:09:14 Get off, you're clammy. Go away.

William 0:09:16 Interesting.

Jordan 0:09:20 Are you spooning in this weather?

William 0:09:21 It's being known.

Jordan 0:09:22 Are you spooning in this weather? Are you spooning in this weather? Oh, Christ.

William 0:09:26 Jordan, you and I have had a difference of opinion on whether it's acceptable to have a roast lunch or dinner in the summer. So we asked for our G&D-verse suggestions of things that they like to do at the wrong time of year.

Jordan 0:09:37 I still prefer October. It's the best thing about it. I'm not wishing the summer away. I'm not like, there's only a few months till Strictly and a dressing gown on and a big fire.

William 0:09:45 No, I would say by the time Strictly starts normally, it's still quite warm. 37% of the responses contained Christmas at the wrong time of year. Andy said, in Australia, we do Christmas in July every year because it's cold and feels proper.

Jordan 0:10:00 Do they?

William 0:10:02 Okay, that's Australia for you. Lee danced to All I Want for Christmas Is You in the middle of August.

Jordan 0:10:07 If you're those wronguns that are streaming All I Want for Christmas Is You, In July and August. Get a grip. Get a bloody grip.

William 0:10:14 Wow. Katherine has Christmas tattoos, so it's Christmas all year. Dan's mum can't be bothered to take the Christmas tree down, so redecorates it with the seasons. Do you know what? I mean, it's obviously clearly artificial, but I quite like that idea. If it's like a summer-themed tree, I think that's quite fun with sort of Oranges on. And I mean, oranges you can do in winter. Rhiannon said, if I eat a Ferrero Rocher in any month that's not December, that's illegal.

Jordan 0:10:46 Yeah, it would be weird having a Ferrero Rocher in August, wouldn't it?

William 0:10:49 I don't think they're particularly tied. I would be— I don't really eat Ferrero Rochers, so I don't associate them with anything.

Jordan 0:10:56 I always thought they were posh.

William 0:10:57 No, it's just the marketing, darling.

Jordan 0:10:59 Oh.

William 0:10:59 Yeah. Surosh ate ice cream in winter. Even at -30°C. She grew up in Siberia.

Jordan 0:11:06 Is Siberia cold?

William 0:11:07 Yes.

Jordan 0:11:08 I thought it was warmer.

William 0:11:09 Let's put it this way. You and I would be spooning the shit out of each other in Siberia.

Jordan 0:11:14 I could eat ice cream in the winter. Although I've got very sensitive teeth.

William 0:11:18 Do you know on food delivery apps—

Jordan 0:11:19 Oh, here we go.

William 0:11:20 You know—

Jordan 0:11:21 You got 50 P&Ms today.

William 0:11:22 Sometimes— I've had a holiday. Sometimes— I

Jordan 0:11:26 can tell. You were a right miserable bastard last week.

William 0:11:32 Well, welcome to how the rest of us feel most of the time.

Jordan 0:11:34 Oh, that was below the bloody belt! I'm a delight to work with. Is he? Am I a delight to— Why is everyone turning and facing the wall? Why have I got this— Am I bad to work with?

William 0:11:51 Anyway.

Speaker E 0:11:51 No, before you pull me aside and say, that was mean, you're a lovely— You're a delight to work with, Jordan.

Jordan 0:11:57 No, it sounds false.

William 0:11:58 Jordan, take that gun away from his head.

Speaker E 0:11:59 It sounds false.

Jordan 0:12:00 Say it with conviction. Carry on. What were you gonna say?

William 0:12:03 On food delivery apps. Yeah. You know sometimes when you order food and it says— and sometimes it comes cold because it's, you know, they've been— they've not found your address, they haven't stored it properly for whatever reason. And you can, if you're on the help, you can say this was cold and you sometimes either get credit or a refund or—

Jordan 0:12:18 It's always gonna be cold. Just have to warm it up.

William 0:12:20 No, not necessarily.

Jordan 0:12:21 9 times outta 10, a takeaway is not gonna be piping hot.

William 0:12:23 Yes, I would always agree.

Jordan 0:12:25 Always put it in the microwave or the air fryer. Put it in the air fryer.

William 0:12:28 Anyway, as I have said before, sometimes— we haven't done it for years now— but Mikey and I would order crepes or puddings on delivery apps from pudding places. And I was always—

Jordan 0:12:39 They only have a half-life.

William 0:12:40 I was always— it was during COVID it was dark times— I was always tempted to see if you can get away with it. And I would like to know if any Gene Divas have done this. And I can't— the sort of the integrity part of me can't bring myself to do it— to order a pudding and then to report the ice cream as cold, to see if you get a refund? 'Cause I just want to know, can you cheat the system and report your ice cream as being cold?

Jordan 0:13:03 Or report it's melted.

William 0:13:04 Well, yeah, well, that's not an option. It's either— 'cause most food on Deliveroo is hot.

Jordan 0:13:10 Every now and then, your posh boy humour from school comes out.

William 0:13:14 I just want to know. Every now and then.

Jordan 0:13:16 And yeah, well, let's try it.

William 0:13:18 I'm not going to try it because I have integrity. No, we'll try it. But someone without integrity, could you please order some ice cream and report it as cold?

Jordan 0:13:24 Top tip for Food Delivery Apps, someone—

William 0:13:26 And then donate the money to charity. Yes.

Jordan 0:13:28 That's good. Food— someone told me this, so instead of like going up to go, do you want to go premium so it's quicker, just always tip your delivery driver because when they come through the jobs, you see that one's been tipped, so they're going to make an extra couple of quid.

William 0:13:39 Well, there we go.

Jordan 0:13:39 So it's always quicker.

William 0:13:40 Well, that's very good.

Jordan 0:13:41 If you can afford it.

William 0:13:41 Going back to things at the wrong time of year, Hailfire101, Jordan's new moustache is wrong at any time of year.

Jordan 0:13:48 Hey, old tickler. Hey, how are you doing? Uh, excuse me, I've just been asked to be in an Old Spice advert, so I haven't, but— Hey, fancy a nice can of Brut? It's what real men smell like. Hey, do you know what I use in the morning to wash my balls and my moustache? Old Spice, because it's the best for men, real men, men with moustaches. Oh my God, this moustache could be a great advertising campaign.

William 0:14:20 For razors. Mm. Emma and Ben.

Jordan 0:14:23 Hey, do you know what I trim my face with, apart from my moustache? Gillette.

William 0:14:27 Jordan, I say this—

Jordan 0:14:28 The best, man. Jordan can't. Hey, do you know how I exfoliate my skin? Sandpaper. 'Cause I'm a man with a moustache, and that's what real men do. So don't be a pussy and use sandpaper. In all good stores. There's your socials for the week.

William 0:14:49 Can I just say something? And I say this with love. Don't make it your entire identity. 'Cause it currently is. And there's so much more to your personality than a moustache.

Jordan 0:14:57 Okay.

William 0:14:57 There's your northernness. Go back to that. I preferred that.

Jordan 0:15:01 Go on, do some more.

William 0:15:02 Emma and Ben got horny in winter. Natalie ate hot cross buns in summer.

Jordan 0:15:06 Oh, that's wrong.

William 0:15:07 And got told by a friend they were sinning. Jess once ordered a jug of Pimm's whilst they were at the pub on a snowy day.

Jordan 0:15:13 Yeah, that's weird.

William 0:15:15 Yeah, I mean, I'm not a huge lover of Pimm's, but even I know it's associated with summer. I guess the opposite would be mulled wine on a heatwave. That'd be very odd.

Jordan 0:15:24 I say Pimm's is like gin and tonic. It gets you giddy drunk.

William 0:15:28 Can do. My hairdresser, who doesn't— you're right.

Jordan 0:15:33 You got hiccups.

William 0:15:33 Do you want me to scare you?

Jordan 0:15:35 You can't scare me. I am a man with a moustache.

William 0:15:41 My hairdresser, who does not drink, went to Wimbledon years ago and ordered Pimm's thinking it was non-alcoholic. I don't know why I'm laughing. She was absolutely sloshed.

Jordan 0:15:52 He does get you hammered.

William 0:15:53 She said, most people watch— she's so funny— most people watching the tennis doing this. I was like, oh, my head going up and down. Anyway, we've got more of your emails, messages, and letters after the break.

William 0:18:39 Welcome back, G and Divas. Riley has an update on advice we gave him about suitable attire for sixth form.

Jordan 0:18:48 Oh, yes.

William 0:18:49 Oh, and he sent a photograph.

Jordan 0:18:51 Oh, look at him, bless him.

William 0:18:52 Dear Sex Ed team, I've contacted the podcast several weeks ago seeking advice about my sixth Since then, I've spent a lot of time searching for a suit that matches the style I'm aiming for, and I think I've finally found one. I've settled on a single-breasted navy suit with a plain red tie. I still need to invest in a few essentials to complete the look, including long-sleeve shirts, a black leather belt, black Oxford shoes, and having the suit professionally tailored. Despite Jordan's advice against getting a briefcase, I'm still searching for the right bag, although I'm confident I'll find one soon.

Jordan 0:19:19 Oh, I didn't say get a briefcase. Now I feel bad. I said more of a satchel.

William 0:19:22 No, you said don't get a briefcase.

Jordan 0:19:23 Yeah, I did say don't get a briefcase, but—

William 0:19:25 A satchel's nice.

Jordan 0:19:27 Be— fuck it, Riley, don't listen to me. I chat shit. Get— if you want a briefcase, get a briefcase, and if anyone bullies you or gives you shit, smack them in the face with it. See where the Burnley comes out of me? Yeah, just swing it around in the red.

William 0:19:37 So, because he's—

Jordan 0:19:39 look at him, he sent his picture in, bless him, and he looks like a lovely lad. And I'm telling you, don't get a briefcase. Ignore me.

William 0:19:45 Um, Riley's main question is, do you think this suit achieves the formal polish look I'm aiming for, and is it an appropriate choice for sixth form? I've attached a few photos and would love to hear your thoughts and any suggestions you might have. Kind regards, Riley.

Jordan 0:19:56 I'm looking at his picture now.

William 0:19:57 Yes, just— well, he's in a navy suit, white shirt, red tie.

Jordan 0:20:00 And he looks very handsome, and his suit looks spot on to me.

William 0:20:04 Yes. If you want to get it professionally tailored or just altered, or if you've got a relative who's good with a needle and thread, great. That's gonna sort of always make any suit, even if it's an off-the-peg, look a little bit better, or even better. Do up your jacket, Riley, I would suggest, when you're standing up. Top button only on a 2-button single-breasted suit. Tie, lovely if you like a red tie. Touch Donald Trump. Trump. I perhaps would go for a different colour, but it does look very nice and it's a nice contrast as well.

Jordan 0:20:31 Also, I've said this before, the best advice I was ever given, right, is get a suit from M&S, from high street, and just go to your tailor. It costs you—

William 0:20:38 I mean, I've literally just said that, but yes.

Jordan 0:20:40 But

William 0:20:40 honestly, without the brand.

Jordan 0:20:41 But I think— was it you that told me it?

William 0:20:43 Probably.

Jordan 0:20:44 And it'll cost you £25, £30, £50 maximum. You shouldn't be paying £50 to get it taken in and tailored, and it looks the dog's bollocks. On the leg and on the arms especially, if you just want it taken in at the back.

William 0:20:57 Talking of tailoring, and again I don't want to mention it, etc., one of the great things about doing the show that I was doing was Mikey in wardrobe— not my husband Mikey, different Mikey— would do alterations. You know, give him, you know, whatever he charged, and indeed these trousers I'm wearing now he just took in. You just get them done at work. It's lovely. Yeah, it's great. Half the price of it would be at a To dry cleaners. Jasmine has messaged regarding our chat about having sex with a smartwatch on.

Jordan 0:21:22 Say what it says on the script.

William 0:21:23 Shaggin'. Hi gang, I'm a few episodes behind and just listened to the episode where you discussed having sex with your smartwatch on. Please, I beg you all, take my advice and remove your watch beforehand. I once accidentally called my dad mid-act from my watch. It was the middle of the night, and to this day, I don't know whether he answered or if I left him the world's most unwanted voicemail. Please learn from my mistakes. Love the pod, Jasmine.

Jordan 0:21:46 Does anyone else think— and Jasmine, if you wanna ring in or sue me for slander, get in touch— but was— do you know how that's happened? Oh. She's been shouting out daddy, or he said, call me daddy, and her watch has thought he said, call daddy. And I'm sorry, Jasmine, but that's how that's happened.

William 0:22:04 It's got raised for S-I-R-I.

Jordan 0:22:06 Call me daddy is what the person's been saying, and her watch has picked up as call daddy. She's going, daddy, daddy. Just saying. I'm just— that's how that's happened, if you ask me. Am I wrong or am I wrong?

Speaker E 0:22:18 Wow, you could be a detective.

Jordan 0:22:20 Oh, I know.

Speaker E 0:22:21 With that moustache as well.

William 0:22:23 Yes, Columbo.

Jordan 0:22:24 Hey, I'm Gibrordo.

William 0:22:25 What?

Jordan 0:22:26 The new show.

William 0:22:27 Gibrordo.

Speaker E 0:22:28 It's a play on Columbo and Jordan, I think. Hmm.

Jordan 0:22:31 Just one thing.

William 0:22:32 Oh, wow. That's a reference.

Jordan 0:22:34 Columbo.

William 0:22:35 Yeah, I know.

Jordan 0:22:35 Didn't waste my summer holidays staying at my grandma's.

William 0:22:38 No, you did not.

Jordan 0:22:39 Watching Columbo in a smoke-filled living room. She said, it's coming, it's coming, it's coming. Just one thing. Got ya. That's what she said. Yeah, I could be a detective.

William 0:22:51 Yeah.

Jordan 0:22:53 Give me another product to sell.

Speaker E 0:22:54 Daddy detective.

Jordan 0:22:55 Hey, you want beer? This is man beer. Beer that men with moustaches have. Proper beer. Next one.

William 0:23:07 I once had sex with a watch, and by the time we finished, I couldn't find it. Oh. I was like the crocodile from Peter Pan by the end of it. Ames Louise has messaged in— Wow. —to give us a vital update on that sort of made-up story, just for the clarity.

Jordan 0:23:26 It's fucking not! I still don't know where it is! How are you, Mikey?

William 0:23:29 Ames Louise has messaged in—

Jordan 0:23:32 2 months and I'm fucking ticking away! I don't know where it is. Alarm went off this morning, lads.

William 0:23:38 Ames Louise is messaging to give us a vital update on the dentist proposal story.

Jordan 0:23:44 Oh, okay.

William 0:23:44 From a couple of weeks ago.

Jordan 0:23:45 Oh, stop all this.

William 0:23:46 Okay. Firstly, to answer William's question, no, we'd never even had the marriage or children conversation, which is why the proposal completely blindsided me.

Jordan 0:23:54 Oh, this is great. It's the best dilemma we've had in a while.

William 0:23:56 The reason I eventually blocked him was because after I ended things, he called me up to 5— he called me up to 5 times a day for 3 months and sent me countless messages. Ah. I'd already explained I explained 3 separate times why I wanted to end the relationship, but he refused to accept it. Ah. Recently, I asked a friend to call the practice pretending to book an appointment to see if he still worked there. She found out he did, and after asking which days he worked, discovered he had every Monday off. Perfect. I booked an appointment with a different dentist on a Monday, thinking I'd finally be able to avoid him. A few days before the appointment, he contacted me from a new number. Oh no! Saying he'd seen my booking, spoken to the other dentist, and transferred the appointment to himself. He even said he was coming in on this— on his day off to see me. I cancelled the appointment immediately.

Jordan 0:24:40 Yeah, this guy sounds like a stalker and an absolute weirdo. I'm so sorry.

William 0:24:43 He then tried calling me several times before sending flowers to my new home address with a note saying he still loved me, still had the engagement ring, and it was waiting for me when I came back. I've since moved house, so I'm concerned he's got my new address from patient records. My question is, should I swallow the awkwardness and book another appointment there, knowing he'll probably change it again so he can see me? Thank you.

Jordan 0:25:03 No, no, find another dentist. Let me just say, at the time I said I didn't know this was all going on in the background. I just thought it wasn't— I just thought it was like a bit of an ex, and I know how painful wisdom teeth is. So I was saying just go and get them taken out. I take that back now, because this guy sounds like a weirdo. You need to report this guy to like the medical practice as well, because I'm pretty sure someone can't get your details from files. So you also need to report him.

William 0:25:27 It doesn't sound good.

Jordan 0:25:28 It like genuinely call up. I'm not a malicious person or anything. I don't, I don't mean anyone any ill arm or anything like that, but this guy needs— what? What? I don't know.

Speaker E 0:25:42 It was serious. It was, it was serious. I don't mean anyone alarm.

William 0:25:45 Any ill arm.

Jordan 0:25:46 Alarm.

William 0:25:47 No, you can just say any ill or any harm.

Jordan 0:25:49 Any alarm. I don't mean anyone any arm is what I'm trying to say.

William 0:25:53 No, you're so adorable.

Jordan 0:25:55 Right, anyway, so, and I— even if someone annoys me or someone's done something bad, it's very rare that— but this guy, you need to report him to a medical practice because I'm pretty sure someone can't get details off that file. So I hope you're fine, and sorry for saying go back to him. I didn't realise he was a total fucking weirdo.

William 0:26:10 Lydia from the Isle of Man has written in desperate need of Jordan's advice.

Jordan 0:26:15 Hey Lydia, do you want Jordan's advice or Jordan Moustache advice? Because there's one's really manly and the other's a little, uh— excuse me, I am manly. I'm speaking to myself now. said it's happening.

William 0:26:26 The schizophrenia has taken over. Hi, William, EPB, but mainly Jordan. I'm turning 40 in October and travelling from the Isle of Man to Harrogate with my husband Dan. On the way home, we've got a couple of spare days, so naturally I've decided to spend them in Burnley, a pilgrimage to pay homage to the great man himself, Sir Ian McKellen. Is he from Burnley?

Jordan 0:26:45 He was born there. He's actually from Wigan, but he was born in Burnley. Yeah, so yeah,

William 0:26:49 jokes. I obviously mean Jordan. They Say waggishly. So here's my request. I want the official Jordan North-approved tour of Burnley, complete with a scavenger hunt. I need your hidden gems, local legends, cosy pubs, scenic walks, cafes, or anywhere that's dead Burnley. My current itinerary includes—

Jordan 0:27:06 That was really good how you said Burnley there. Thank you.

William 0:27:09 Knocking on Wendy's neighbour's door and getting a photo with the potato peeler.

Jordan 0:27:13 That was actually Northern Ireland where that happened. Again, kid in the army.

William 0:27:17 Heading to Turf Moor for a butter pie and a mug of Bovril.

Jordan 0:27:21 Uh, butter pie's Preston, so—

William 0:27:23 Right.

Jordan 0:27:23 I don't think it's—

William 0:27:24 Not a lot to do now.

Jordan 0:27:25 I don't think you can get a butter pie on turf.

William 0:27:27 Can you get a mug of Bovril?

Jordan 0:27:28 You can, but I'd recommend a Benny and Ott.

William 0:27:32 Yes.

Jordan 0:27:33 On the turf. Or get a— I always get meat and potato pie. So I know they do a cheese and onion, and they do a chicken balti one, because that's what my dad has. I'll get meat and potato.

William 0:27:41 Visiting Frank's, RIP's favourite walking spot. Did he have one?

Jordan 0:27:45 Again, that was in Penwith-in-Preston, so…

William 0:27:49 Lydia, I'd rebook your holiday, if I'll be honest. Asking 5 strangers if they know our Brad and getting a selfie with anyone who says yes.

Jordan 0:27:56 Yeah, everyone knows Brad. Or my grandma, Glenys. Everyone knows her. Or just actually ask for Auntie Mags. Say, do you know Auntie Mags? Everyone knows me Auntie Mags.

William 0:28:04 Making a pilgrimage to the Singing Ringing Tree.

Jordan 0:28:06 Very good. Go up there. Avoid it at night. Tend to be a lot of doggers.

William 0:28:10 and finding the best place for a proper northern brew. Basically, if it's quintessentially Burnley, I want it on the list. This could be the Jordan North walking tour that Burnley Tourism Board never knew it needed. Thanks for all the laughs and hopefully for planning my birthday. An OG G&Diver, Lydia from the Isle of Man. William, you'd flippin' love it here. Wink.

Jordan 0:28:28 Well, it's sweet that you're going there, it really is. Is

William 0:28:30 it because it's got man in the title and I'm gay?

Jordan 0:28:33 I'd go to Townley Park, which is beautiful. Townley were like the— they were like our— what's it called? Downton Abbey. Who owned— They owned Burnley, you know, like the Downtons.

William 0:28:47 The landowners. Should I Google it? How do you spell it?

Jordan 0:28:50 Townley. Townley Park. I'd go there.

William 0:28:52 L-E-Y?

Jordan 0:28:53 I'd go to Oddie's or Hafner's.

William 0:28:54 Townley Hall.

Jordan 0:28:55 Townley Hall. But there's a park as well called Townley Park. I'd go to Oddie's or Hafner's for pie.

William 0:29:03 Oh, is that

Jordan 0:29:04 better? Get a savoury from— yeah.

William 0:29:05 Yeah, very nice.

Jordan 0:29:06 Beautiful. Get a savoury from Oddie's. Pub I'd probably go to, well, I'd go to, you're probably gonna have to go up Miners and get a Benny and Art Benedictine, or the Royal Deitch. Tell Justine I sent you. There's all sorts, have a wander in town, end up in Smacks if you fancy a late night one.

William 0:29:25 Yes.

Jordan 0:29:26 Yeah.

William 0:29:27 Go to the markets.

Jordan 0:29:28 Yeah, go to market. I took William to market. Obviously the most famous place, Turf Mall. Yeah. Canal. I've walked that canal. It's always nice. Should I go on with Grandma?

William 0:29:36 Lovely.

Jordan 0:29:38 Yeah,

William 0:29:40 well, I'd probably extend your holiday. There's so much to do. Finally, Anonymous has written in to reveal that my book, Just Good Manners, is quite literally a shit book. Dear William Jordan and the wonderful Sex Ed crew—

Jordan 0:29:49 That's a bit harsh.

William 0:29:50 Not a dilemma as such, but a request for your most esteemed recommendation.

Jordan 0:29:53 That's gross, right? I spent ages writing that book.

William 0:29:55 Excuse me!

Jordan 0:30:00 Got him. He did.

William 0:30:01 Hmm? Just a bit louder for the judge.

Jordan 0:30:03 You did write that. Thank you. Paul.

William 0:30:05 I've recently been trying to cut down my screen time by making a few analogue swaps. One of my worst habits was taking my phone to the lavatory.

Jordan 0:30:13 I'm the worst. I've sent selfies of me on the bog.

William 0:30:15 Rather than trying to quit cold turkey, I just decided to replace it with something else. Enter the bog book, or if you prefer, lavatory literature. A toilet tome. The rules are simple: it has to be something you can dip in and out of for a few minutes at a time, but interesting enough to replace the dopamine hit of scrolling. As fate would have it, sitting on my bookshelf was the perfect candidate: William Hanson's Just Good Manners. Whether William will take this as a compliment or an insult, I'm not sure, but it's completely cured my phone-on-the-loo habit. I've been reading a page or two per visit and have learned all sorts of fascinating etiquette facts to regale my boyfriend with over breakfast. The problem is, I'm nearly finished. So, Jordan, as our resident literary expert, and William as the inadvertent curator of my bathroom library, what should be next on my lavatorial reading list? The Help I Sexed My Boss book is, of course, already waiting in the wings and at the suorite of hospice. With warmest regards and a blush of embarrassment, Anonymous.

Jordan 0:31:07 I think our book's a good toilet book.

William 0:31:09 Yes.

Jordan 0:31:09 Yeah, it is. I'm just thinking, because I have them in my spare room.

William 0:31:12 Yes, you do.

Jordan 0:31:13 I might put them in the loo.

William 0:31:14 Put them in the loo.

Jordan 0:31:15 Yeah.

William 0:31:15 With a little price ticket on it. If you'd like, it's like a hotel. If you like this, you can buy it.

Jordan 0:31:20 A little sign saying, these aren't to take, but if you'd like to buy it.

William 0:31:22 Yes, see, reception have got spare coppers.

Jordan 0:31:25 I need to do that. We've got family over. My good fucking shower gel's gone walkies.

William 0:31:28 Of course it has. Um, and anything— I would say novels. I mean, he says with the novel out next year, but I would say novels probably aren't good news.

Jordan 0:31:39 Oh, is that the first time you've announced that?

William 0:31:40 No, it's— no, no, no, no. Thank you for paying attention. I,

Jordan 0:31:43 um— Fearful and Forks, or whatever it's called. What's it called? Actually quite a good title.

William 0:31:48 A fatal forking.

Jordan 0:31:49 A fatal forking.

William 0:31:50 Fatal.

Jordan 0:31:51 A fatal forking.

William 0:31:52 And not a faecal forking.

Jordan 0:31:53 We don't want that.

William 0:31:55 Although, if you took it to the loo, it would be.

Jordan 0:31:56 When can I read that?

William 0:31:57 Well, I'm going to talk to you about this next week, actually.

Jordan 0:31:59 Oh, okay.

William 0:32:00 I've just got to check something with my publisher, and then I'm going to run it past you.

Jordan 0:32:03 You're too big time to have me on the back of your blurbs now.

William 0:32:06 Well, just hold that thought.

Jordan 0:32:07 Oh, okay.

William 0:32:09 Just hold that thought.

Jordan 0:32:10 I don't want a pity blurb thing.

William 0:32:12 A pity blurb?

Jordan 0:32:13 Yeah.

William 0:32:14 In very, very small writing. I would say novels probably aren't good, but maybe they are. Poetry.

Jordan 0:32:24 No, poetry.

William 0:32:24 You do want something that you can just do.

Jordan 0:32:26 Like a book like William's Guide to Etiquette, the Help I Sexed My Boss book. The books that you get given for Christmas stuff are perfect for that.

William 0:32:34 Yeah. Tell you what, the books that I used to love as sort of a teenager, and actually he brought one out last—

Jordan 0:32:37 Your Bluffer's Guidebooks.

William 0:32:39 Yeah, yeah, yeah. In fact, Jonathan has that in his loo still. I dread to think what's on it, but although knowing Jonathan, it'll be wiped down every day. There's a book— there was an author called Ben Shott who does Shott's Miscellany, and at Christmas did— this Christmas just gone— did one called Shott's Significa. And they are very good books, and I adore those books. And you can just read— it's just absolute random. In fact, I should get it for you because you would love it. Random. It's probably— I mean, the ones he did back in the day are probably outdated now, But they are very good books.

Jordan 0:33:09 So I've got like Paddy McGuinness's Guide to the North.

William 0:33:12 Very similar.

Jordan 0:33:12 Which is good. Um, I've got like the Phoenix Nights scripts. They could be quite good in there, wouldn't they, whilst you're having a poo? And, um, yeah. Oh, I've got like a Mock the Week one. I used to love Mock the Week, but like a little— so that's it.

William 0:33:30 The Private Eye Annual.

Jordan 0:33:31 Yeah, Private Eye Annual. Sure.

William 0:33:35 Something like that. Anyway, um, should we finish with comment of the week?

Jordan 0:33:38 Michael Gove the editor of that now?

William 0:33:40 No, Ian Hislop.

Jordan 0:33:41 Who's my spectator? He's—

William 0:33:43 I believe so.

Jordan 0:33:44 Yeah, anyway, let's finish with the comment of the week. This can be a comment from Spotify, YouTube, or any of our socials. Firstly, uh, a couple of comments in response to our campus modes of transport episodes from a few weeks ago. William,

William 0:33:58 here are the honourable mentions. Georgie Kent Priestley says, as a teenager, I went to a Halloween fancy dress party. I went as a fairy, and this boy went as a Smurf, blue face paint and white shorts. We later had a bit of a snog. Everyone laughed as I walked past them because it was apparently very obvious what I had got up to earlier in the night and had blue face paint smeared up my face. I was finding bits of blue paint for days.

Jordan 0:34:17 That kicked off at our uni. This girl who my housemate was seeing ended up getting off with the guy she was seeing because he was dressed as Hulk. It was covered in green.

William 0:34:26 Yes. Morgan says ostrich riding is a common activity in South Africa. This is in regards to the campus modes of transport that we were talking about. Oh, okay.

Jordan 0:34:36 That would be quite camp, riding an ostrich.

William 0:34:38 The ostrich's keepers hold it still while you get onto its back, put your legs under its wings, and grab onto its neck. We've all done that. Then they let go, and the ostrich sprints around its pen while you are clinging on for dear life. Also, the keepers run behind the ostrich the whole time. Once you've decided you have had enough, you simply let go of its neck, slip off the back of it, and the keepers catch you as you tumble backwards. Exhilarating.

Jordan 0:35:01 All goes on.

William 0:35:02 It all goes on.

Jordan 0:35:03 Have you seen that clip of that man in the ostrich in Wigan?

William 0:35:05 No.

Jordan 0:35:07 And he goes, it's not an ostrich, it's a fucking emu!

William 0:35:09 Oh yes, yeah.

Jordan 0:35:10 It makes you proud to be British.

William 0:35:12 And Grace, who wins comment of the week, says, could Jordan get any sweeter? He's just in his own little world, and I'd be very happy to inhabit it with him.

Jordan 0:35:19 That's very sweet, but I'm 36 years old. Not a child. Why? What were I doing? Was I in my own world last week or something?

William 0:35:26 I mean, not just last week.

Jordan 0:35:28 I am every other day, to be fair.

William 0:35:29 Yeah, every— well, yeah, every day. God bless you.

Jordan 0:35:33 God bless you.

William 0:35:33 Oh, bless you.

Jordan 0:35:34 God bless this team. God bless you, Felicity.

William 0:35:36 It's turned into a Christmas carol.

Jordan 0:35:37 God bless you, my child. I heal you, my child. Uh, remember, you can listen to new episodes every Tuesday and Friday and 24 hours before anywhere else on Global Player. And if you want to get in touch about something that isn't a problem or dilemma, drop into our DMs or send us an email to help@sexwithmyboss.com. We also love hearing back from people we offer advice to. So if that's you, get back in touch and we'll see you on Tuesday. Goodbye.

William 0:35:59 Goodbye.