Help That’s Not Beauty OR The Beast | Uno’s Gone Woke

Jordan 0:01:02 Wayfair delivers. Hello and welcome to Help I Sexted My Boss, the podcast where we help you navigate the challenges of modern life, answering your 21st century questions and finding solutions to those everyday dilemmas like, is it okay to ask your situationship for your sunglasses back? Or, how do you pick the perfect outfit for mincing around town on your new Vespa? And of course, what should you do if you've accidentally sexted your boss? But we're not your usual agony aunt, are we? William Hanson, the UK's leading etiquette expert and former West End star.

William 0:01:35 Former, right? Gosh. Showbiz. How quickly the star fades.

Jordan 0:01:39 Showbiz, baby.

William 0:01:40 No, we're not Jordan North, Capital Radio show Breakfast, and former Toy Story 5 star. I'm more Uptown Girl, you're more Jenny from the Block. That's from Cassandra.

Jordan 0:01:51 I'm still Jenny from the Block.

William 0:01:52 Used to have a little, but I have a lot.

Jordan 0:01:54 That's not true.

William 0:01:55 What? That's the lyric.

Jordan 0:01:57 Yeah, no, but I'm not like Jenny from the Block.

William 0:01:59 Oh, who are you like?

Jordan 0:02:01 Are you uptown? I'm still Geordie from the Block.

William 0:02:03 Hmm, or something that rhymes with it. This week's toast goes to Lauren via her sister Vic, who said, hello, my favourite dilemma daddies, scenario sluts, and quandary queens. I would love if I could ask you for a birthday shout-out for my sister Lauren, aka Big Yin, who just turned 40. She is the one who made me a Geendiva in 2019 by insisting that I give this hilariously— you see, now I'm using the measure.

Jordan 0:02:31 I'm just pouring. Can't be throwing me out. Come on.

William 0:02:34 Carry on. Sorry. Um, I give this hilariously raunchy podcast a go. I've been hooked ever since. Not only is she turning 40, but she weds her partner of 23 years this year on Halloween. Interesting. Meanwhile, my first date last week asked if I could get the drinks because he only had £10 on him. Hooray! Anyway, I love you all dearly. Thanks for having my side-splitting twice a week. Love, Vic, aka Wee Yin.

Jordan 0:02:59 To Wee Yin.

William 0:03:00 Wee— no, well, no, this is to Big Yin.

Jordan 0:03:01 Oh, Big Yin.

William 0:03:02 Yes, Big Yin.

Jordan 0:03:03 Ben, can I have my back pillow, please? It's in my Trader Joe's bag.

William 0:03:06 I know we're all getting old, but why— Ben's gonna say—

Jordan 0:03:08 Oh, have you got it? Oh, you will honestly—

William 0:03:13 Sorry, Jordan is now making Ben get the cushion because we are wired into this desk.

Jordan 0:03:17 Yeah, thank you.

William 0:03:18 Oh, it's got a J on it!

Jordan 0:03:19 Yeah, it's my—

William 0:03:20 Who's given you that?

Jordan 0:03:21 Well, usually I have it in the car.

William 0:03:22 Is that your mum? Is that from Moonpig?

Jordan 0:03:24 I think it is a Wendy Noss cushion.

William 0:03:26 Yeah, I thought so.

Jordan 0:03:27 I've had it that long. Do you know what? I think it was my mum.

William 0:03:30 Have you washed that?

Jordan 0:03:31 Can I smell that? It's been in my car. I usually have it for the car.

William 0:03:35 You have a cushion in the car? Yeah. Why don't you get one of those beaded seat covers?

Jordan 0:03:39 'Cause I have it for the car. Anyway, I've—

William 0:03:42 And a box of tissues on the parcel shelf and look like a taxi driver.

Jordan 0:03:45 Oh, some mints on that seat.

William 0:03:47 Yeah, a

Jordan 0:03:47 little jar. That's better. I've had, um, I've really hurt my back. I might have to go to the doctors.

William 0:03:53 How have you done that?

Jordan 0:03:54 At the airport, you know when you put your bag at check-in on the weighing thing? I went down,

William 0:03:58 taken from me,

Jordan 0:03:59 and I've twisted my back and I couldn't get back up at Corfu Airport. I had to help, I had to get— I heard it as well, it made me feel sick.

William 0:04:08 You hurt your back?

Jordan 0:04:09 Yeah, I hurt it. Click. It was horrible. So, I'm not being dramatic, but I had to walk around with a, with a back, with a pillar in me back.

William 0:04:18 So. Bless you. And how's the sciatica?

Jordan 0:04:20 Yeah, great. Good.

William 0:04:21 Great.

Jordan 0:04:22 Lovely.

William 0:04:22 How are you? No, how was your holiday?

Jordan 0:04:23 It was great. It was, it was lovely. Uh, Corfu. Beautiful, beautiful island.

William 0:04:29 Yes, I hear nice things.

Jordan 0:04:30 The Corfuans are lovely people.

William 0:04:31 Oh, is that what we call them?

Jordan 0:04:32 I think so. Corfuans? Corphians. Have you been before?

William 0:04:36 I heard once some— no, I haven't. But I did hear, I was walking in London behind a couple and they were talking very loudly about going to Corfu, which I thought was—

Jordan 0:04:44 Corfu.

William 0:04:44 Yes, I know it is Corfu.

Ben 0:04:46 Hi, guys.

Jordan 0:04:46 Hi, Ben.

William 0:04:47 Hello,

Ben 0:04:47 Ben. It's Corfiot.

Jordan 0:04:49 Oh, the Corfiots.

Ben 0:04:50 Corfiots.

Jordan 0:04:51 Sorry to the Corphians. Corfiots that listen to

Ben 0:04:53 us. Kakreios in Greek.

William 0:04:55 Do we have many listeners in Corfu, Ben? Probably very few.

Ben 0:04:58 We'll find out because they'll tell me I said— I've said that wrong.

William 0:05:00 Okay.

Jordan 0:05:01 We had a lot on the plane going there and back.

William 0:05:03 But they were British? They were, yeah, they

Jordan 0:05:04 were. Air stewards.

William 0:05:07 Of course they were.

Jordan 0:05:08 Yeah. Cabin crew.

William 0:05:09 Big with cabin crew.

Ben 0:05:10 Was it nice to get off, off-grid?

Jordan 0:05:12 Yeah, it was, actually. Yeah. Why are you saying that?

Ben 0:05:16 Just wondering.

Jordan 0:05:17 Because I was texting you about scripts. Well, would you rather have a presenter that wasn't bothered, or—

Ben 0:05:24 Well, usually you're not bothered until it becomes 5 PM on a Friday night and he's texting me saying, can you change this in the script?

Jordan 0:05:30 No.

Ben 0:05:31 It says time for a

Jordan 0:05:33 beer. No, it was— Sorry, I did say not for now. I also emailed you on a Sunday as well. I'm so sorry.

William 0:05:38 You emailed him? What did you email him about?

Jordan 0:05:39 It's nothing to do with you, but I did. Well, I was just, you know, I was showing an interest.

William 0:05:44 Um, that's him done for the year then.

Jordan 0:05:47 Get off! You give the impression that I don't care about this podcast. I very much do.

William 0:05:52 I'm joking.

Jordan 0:05:53 I very much do.

Ben 0:05:54 Um, but I think when you're on holiday, you're on holiday. I don't reply to anyone.

Jordan 0:05:57 Yeah, I know, but I'm always on it. Um, but yeah, it was good. It was good. It was, it, it was lovely. Not here for this, um, because I went to an all-inclusive and there was different restaurants. Not here for this, oh, this is the Greek Italian, and then you open the menu and it says the chef was inspired by his Greek mother and Italian father.

William 0:06:16 The narrative.

Jordan 0:06:16 I'm like, you're either one or the other. I don't mean in general, but like, oh God, I meant like, if I'm going to an Italian, I want Italian. I'm going to a Greek restaurant, I want Greek. I don't want prawn spaghetti. Fusion.

William 0:06:29 Yeah.

Jordan 0:06:30 Yeah. It's not, not really for me, but it was, it was lovely.

William 0:06:32 I think prawn spaghetti is quite Italian.

Jordan 0:06:34 Is it? I think it's a bit Greek-Italian.

William 0:06:36 Well, we had prawn spaghetti on Saturday Kitchen.

Jordan 0:06:38 We had prawn linguine. It wasn't a prawn— it was a prawn—

William 0:06:43 I mean, it was prawn. Because it is long.

Jordan 0:06:45 Prawn bolognese.

William 0:06:46 It wasn't prawn bolognese at all.

Jordan 0:06:47 No, I'm saying what was on the menu.

William 0:06:49 Oh, I see. Oh no, prawn bolognese. That is disgusting.

Jordan 0:06:51 It was nice. The connoisseur took a disliking to me because I—

William 0:06:54 The connoisseur?

Jordan 0:06:55 The wine connoisseur.

William 0:06:56 The sommelier.

Jordan 0:06:57 Well, what's the difference?

William 0:06:59 Well, a connoisseur, you can be a connoisseur of anything.

Jordan 0:07:01 The wine sommelier.

William 0:07:03 Just sommelier.

Jordan 0:07:05 Well, I thought—

William 0:07:05 It's like saying the food waiter. You just say waiter.

Jordan 0:07:07 Can't you just say wine connoisseur?

William 0:07:08 Okay.

Jordan 0:07:10 Can you say that?

William 0:07:11 You can.

Jordan 0:07:11 But anyway, he took a disliking to me because on the first night I had red wine with salmon.

William 0:07:16 That's fine.

Jordan 0:07:17 I know. He's like—

William 0:07:18 And some red wines go nicely with salmon, a Fleury or something.

Jordan 0:07:20 I'm sure he was pretending to be French as well. He's like, oh no, we've got this perfect white wine to go with 50 salmon. I went, I'm all right on this, thanks, Paul. He's like, are you sure? I'm not a big white wine fan. So other than that, it was great. I got a pedicure, and, um, I've never had one before, and I thought after Soccer Aid, my toes and my feet were looking a bit—

William 0:07:39 I'm sure Wayne Rooney got a pedicure after Soccer Aid as well.

Jordan 0:07:42 I bet he

Ben 0:07:44 did. That 15 minutes of action must have put your feet into

Jordan 0:07:47 all sorts of

Ben 0:07:49 bother.

Jordan 0:07:49 It was 22, actually, so remember that extra 7 minutes. So, um, but my feet were looking minging in the flip-flops, and I suddenly had like a— what do they call that beauty spa? A spa. And I thought, oh, I've never had a pedicure before. Are

William 0:08:05 you okay with people touching you?

Jordan 0:08:06 No, didn't realise this first, like 10 minutes, I'm going like ticklish. I thought— suggested if they got like stirrups, they could put them in, you know, like when

William 0:08:16 whatever you're into.

Jordan 0:08:17 Women are giving birth, or what is it they put them in?

William 0:08:19 Yeah.

Jordan 0:08:19 Or when you— yeah. When

William 0:08:21 you're going to the gynaecologist.

Jordan 0:08:22 Yeah. So I thought— and she said they didn't have them, so I was like, right, fair enough. Anyway, got used to it after a bit, and halfway through the pedicure, um, my toenail came off. My big toe completely come off because I got stood on, didn't I, in practice. So I've had like— have you ever— I've had a case of hollow toe for like—

William 0:08:42 Hollow toe?

Jordan 0:08:42 Yeah, for like a month. Me toe's

William 0:08:44 like— Sounds like a film.

Jordan 0:08:46 I— that's what my toe sounds like. So she just—

William 0:08:51 Do I want to Google hollow toe or not?

Jordan 0:08:52 Oh no, I've just made it up. I don't know if there's a thing.

William 0:08:54 Oh, I see. Okay, fine.

Jordan 0:08:55 So halfway through, she just looked at me and said, ah, excuse me, sir. She just dodged, I think.

William 0:09:00 Gosh, it's very multicultural where you went, isn't it?

Jordan 0:09:03 You know how the Greeks speak? They say it all like, hello. It's like they kind of—

William 0:09:07 I don't think they're Greek on Corfu.

Jordan 0:09:09 They— yeah, they are.

William 0:09:10 Are

Jordan 0:09:10 they? It's a Greek island.

William 0:09:11 Oh, is it? I thought they're Corfean.

Jordan 0:09:13 No, it's a Greek island.

William 0:09:14 Okay,

Jordan 0:09:15 fine. She said, what would you like me to do with this? And I just looked down and showed her my toenail. So that was a nightmare, all holiday.

William 0:09:21 Have you kept it in a jar?

Jordan 0:09:22 No. And then she'd give it me, I was like, well, what do you want me to do with it?

William 0:09:25 So how are you— now, 'cause I have had issues with, I won't go into it, with toenails before, and you need to make sure you're moisturising your feet so that when the toenail grows, moisturise in an upwards direction. to help.

Jordan 0:09:38 Right, that's really good.

William 0:09:40 Otherwise you're gonna get an ingrowing toe.

Jordan 0:09:40 And I've had an ingrowing toe now when I was younger. I would never want that again. No. That's up there with wisdom teeth for me.

William 0:09:46 Is it?

Jordan 0:09:46 It's agony. Yeah, right, I will do that because I've got like a crevice now and it's got sand and everything in crevice.

William 0:09:52 Yeah.

Jordan 0:09:54 And I was like washing it and I kept walking past pool and just dipping my toe in. I'm like, right, wait.

William 0:09:58 Okay.

Jordan 0:09:59 Yeah, people like, the temperature's fine. I was like, oh no, I'm not worried about temperature, love, I'm just I've just got— it don't matter. I've got a big hole in me toe. I'm just getting all sand and grit out.

William 0:10:10 I've got some good foot cream. I will send you the formula. Thank you.

Jordan 0:10:14 Can I just put normal moisturiser on it?

William 0:10:15 I mean, any— yeah, any sort of moisturiser is fine for now, but if you want to get a special—

Jordan 0:10:19 And then so she did that and it was fine. I wouldn't have another one because I didn't— it didn't do well.

William 0:10:24 You'd have no more toenails left.

Jordan 0:10:25 I more wanted like the dead skin off my foot and stuff.

William 0:10:27 Yeah, yeah. Did they get out the sort of the shaver?

Jordan 0:10:29 Yeah, but she used that for like a minute. I was like, no, that's what I really wanted. And then she started doing all—

William 0:10:34 The trouble with pedicures is sometimes they are— because I would say women probably have pedicures more than men. Never had one. But sometimes pedicures in certain spas, they're sort of geared into— sort of built into the routine is a colour and a buff. And probably, I mean, some men will want that, but many men will probably just not want that. They just want, yes, the tidying up, the moisturising.

Jordan 0:10:56 That's what I wanted.

William 0:10:57 Getting rid of any calluses, that sort of thing.

Jordan 0:10:58 But she didn't do any of that. And then she charged me for it.

William 0:11:01 Well,

Jordan 0:11:02 no, I was all inclusive.

William 0:11:03 That's how a spa works.

Jordan 0:11:04 I was deluxe. I was showing her my wristband. She's like, no, no, no. I was like, no, no, it's all inclusive.

William 0:11:10 I'm deluxe.

Jordan 0:11:11 I was like showing her my wristband. I was like, no, I'm not half board, I'm deluxe. Look, purple.

William 0:11:18 I'm half board.

Jordan 0:11:18 And she was like, no, no, this— I was like, well, that's a con because when you booked it yesterday you didn't tell me. I thought it was free. So why does everyone think I'm in the wrong here? Ben.

William 0:11:27 So, okay. I haven't ever done an all-inclusive.

Jordan 0:11:29 There's different types.

William 0:11:30 Is there something above deluxe? No,

Jordan 0:11:32 no, no. I was like—

William 0:11:33 Clearly there is.

Jordan 0:11:33 I was top, top all-inclusive. So I could have everything, get room service, but apparently not a pedicure.

William 0:11:40 I've never done all-inclusive before, but there are different levels?

Jordan 0:11:43 Mm-hmm.

William 0:11:44 So deluxe.

Jordan 0:11:45 Yeah.

William 0:11:46 And then not deluxe.

Jordan 0:11:48 And then half pod.

William 0:11:49 And then just, you're not a guest.

Jordan 0:11:51 Every man for themselves. You kind of throw scraps to those people that aren't. Okay. You make them wait at the pool and they're like, seal. You throw them leftover pastries from breakfast.

William 0:12:01 You know most hotels, you can just like, if I was, let's say I'm on holiday and I just want to turn up for a coffee or I want to have lunch. I'm not staying, but I want to go and have lunch. At an all-inclusive, are you able to do that as like a drop-in guest?

Jordan 0:12:15 Yeah, do what you want.

William 0:12:15 But you just then pay?

Jordan 0:12:16 I think so.

William 0:12:18 Okay.

Jordan 0:12:18 You should go all-inclusive. It's good. Do you know what? Found places.

William 0:12:22 But then you're wedded to one place.

Jordan 0:12:23 Not, yeah, but if it's a nice hotel, it's fine. If it's a fly and flop holiday, which is what I called this week, it's literally fly, flop, and read. Yeah, I'll put my book recommendations down.

William 0:12:34 Fly, flop, and flip.

Jordan 0:12:34 Fly, flop, and flip. That's a very good way of putting it.

William 0:12:37 Or flick through the pages.

Jordan 0:12:38 Fly and flop holiday. It's great. And there's all these different restaurants. You can have different breakfasts. You can go to the buffet. You can have room service.

William 0:12:45 Yeah, that is a hotel.

Jordan 0:12:47 You can go to like the Italian breakfast, the Greek Italian, if you want. But you know what it made me realise? Yes? That I've really, love and very underrated, and everyone rolls their eyes at them. I just love boiled potatoes. Genuinely, I think boiled potatoes with a bit of fish or a steak— okay, so everyone gets mash or chips. You can't beat a boiled potato.

William 0:13:09 You've got to have a knob of butter on it or something.

Jordan 0:13:11 No, just a nice boiled potato. And the buffet had boiled potatoes every lunchtime, and I thought, I'm just gonna go and get a nice bit of fish, some salad, and boiled potatoes. And I had that most days. They were nice. I think boiled potatoes are underrated as far as the potatoes go.

Ben 0:13:26 I think they're bottom of the rung.

Jordan 0:13:28 Really?

William 0:13:29 I can't— look, can I just say, in this week's edition of Luxury Podcast, we've done our entire episode on potatoes, so I cannot give listeners who listen to both more potato chat here.

Jordan 0:13:37 That's what I've come away from Greece thinking.

William 0:13:40 Okay,

Jordan 0:13:40 they've got all the tzatziki, great, fine, the gyros, gyros,

William 0:13:44 gyros,

Jordan 0:13:46 fine, but you can't beat a boiled potato.

William 0:13:48 No.

Jordan 0:13:48 I just think we need to— they need good PR. And especially in the weather.

William 0:13:53 Well, maybe you can do a campaign, Jordan.

Jordan 0:13:54 In this weather, I think the best potato is a boiled potato.

Ben 0:13:57 You— hot or cold?

Jordan 0:14:01 Hot. I'm not weird. Who'd have a cold boiled potato?

William 0:14:03 Well, you have cold potato salad.

Jordan 0:14:05 Oh yeah, true. I never thought of

William 0:14:07 that. But I guess that's with mayonnaise and other stuff.

Jordan 0:14:09 Yeah. Anyway, so that's me. Greece was lovely. I'll put my book recommendations up.

William 0:14:14 Oh yes, we always love that.

Jordan 0:14:15 So you got Leftovers, which is great. Still Life. Which was fantastic. I'm gonna lend that to you, Ben. You'll love Still Life. And, uh, what was the other one? Oh, Evenings and Weekends.

Ben 0:14:26 I told you about Evenings and Weekends last year.

Jordan 0:14:28 You did! You did! I knew it was you. It was bugging me on holiday. I said, I must thank me mother. I said, she told me I'd like this.

Ben 0:14:37 My mother?

Jordan 0:14:37 And then I knew it were you. I thought it was someone from work. Thank you. Anyway, it's very good.

William 0:14:43 You're welcome.

Jordan 0:14:43 With a whale and ducks.

William 0:14:44 You work with your mother?

Ben 0:14:45 Yep.

Jordan 0:14:45 No, I don't worry about it. Anyway, how are you?

William 0:14:48 I'm alright.

Jordan 0:14:49 Very emotional, 'cause you're going on holiday at the time recording tomorrow. Yes. Yesterday, was it?

William 0:14:53 Yes.

Jordan 0:14:54 You just did your last ever show in Titanic.

William 0:14:57 Yes, indeed.

Jordan 0:14:58 Which is great, 'cause then we'll never have to hear about it again.

William 0:15:01 You're such a bitch.

Jordan 0:15:03 Thank God. No, I'm joking.

William 0:15:04 You are such a bitch, because before we started, I said, Ben Jordan, today will be the last time I'm talking about Titaniques. And you're like, oh no, do it, do it. No, don't worry, people love hearing about it. And then you've just said that.

Jordan 0:15:15 So tell us— oh, my back is sore. God, I'm getting old.

William 0:15:20 You need another holiday.

Jordan 0:15:20 How was your last show? Did you cry?

William 0:15:22 Uh, I— so during the actual last shows, we did 2 shows yesterday, the matinee and the evening. I was actually fine. I thought I would be crying at the end. Um, I did walk down into the building for the first time and said to the stage doorkeeper, I was like, I can't speak to you, because I was crying. Um, and So I was emotional before the show. And then what was so sweet is— so you always do, as I think I've said before, we do company warm-up, which is physical and vocal. And as I was sort of saying hello to everyone in the dressing rooms heading up to the stage, I noticed that— I thought, gosh, people are dressed very smartly today. Anyway, that was the end of that. And then once they were actually all on the stage, I realised that they've all come dressed as me.

Jordan 0:16:04 Aww.

William 0:16:07 Which was so sweet. What? Like, how did they dress as you? In sort of Ralph Lauren shirts or polo shirt, blue polo shirts, blue shorts. espadrilles. It was tote bags.

Jordan 0:16:16 That's sweet. It

William 0:16:17 was very sweet. I thought they'd never looked smarter.

Jordan 0:16:19 And you didn't realise they were dressing up as you?

William 0:16:20 Well, I did when they were all together. I suddenly went, oh, it now makes sense.

Jordan 0:16:24 Ah, okay.

William 0:16:24 But individually, when I was seeing them in dressing rooms, I thought, they've made a bit of an effort today. That's very nice.

Jordan 0:16:29 Aww.

William 0:16:30 Yeah, so that was very sweet. And then they did— Michael did, who is Victor Garber in the show, Michael Vincent did a playlist of So, you do 3 songs. So, the first one was I Am Your Mother from— who's that artist? I am your mother.

Jordan 0:16:47 ABBA?

William 0:16:47 No.

Jordan 0:16:48 I asked, does your mother know?

William 0:16:49 Meghan Trainor. Oh,

Jordan 0:16:51 yeah, yeah, yeah.

William 0:16:51 Because I was Mother Ruth. Second one was Spoonful of Sugar, of course. And third was a niche Celine Dion song called Goodbye, which is about— it's actually saying— it was written to say goodbye to her mother. It's Goodbye is the Hardest Word, and that is when we— the floodgates opened.

Jordan 0:17:09 You cry a lot, don't you?

William 0:17:11 I do cry a lot, but no, no, everyone sort of was crying. Um, and we were passing around the 2-ply box of tissues that they have.

Jordan 0:17:18 2-ply?

William 0:17:19 I know.

Jordan 0:17:19 What's that?

William 0:17:20 2-ply, that's thin tissues. It means 2 layers. Most tissues are 3.

Jordan 0:17:25 Oh, okay.

William 0:17:27 We're a West End show, so they've only got 2-ply.

Jordan 0:17:29 Ben's got a box of tissue. I know what a box of tissue—

William 0:17:31 They'll be 3-ply.

Jordan 0:17:31 I know what tissues look like, Ben. Oh. Alright.

William 0:17:37 Wow, Ben's just launched.

Jordan 0:17:39 Well, I know I've had to come in on a Monday, 'cause he's going on holiday tomorrow, but chill. I can't get that. If I get down for that, I can't get it back up.

William 0:17:47 Alright.

Jordan 0:17:49 You might have to rub some DP in it. I've twisted it putting it on there.

William 0:17:55 3-ply.

Jordan 0:17:56 I have never heard that before, and I wouldn't even know how you'd look for—

William 0:17:59 You look at it, it'll say 3-ply.

Jordan 0:18:01 I've never— a tissue's a tissue.

William 0:18:03 No, you see, that's got a thickness to it. You don't want it to— 2-ply, you can sort of see through it, whereas that you can't see. Anyway, tissue chat. So

Jordan 0:18:11 you cried?

William 0:18:12 We cried. Did the shows fine. I got lots of lovely leaving gifts, lots of lovely messages, cards, and then one of my many BFFs from the show, Cameron Veer, organised a lovely roast. So we afterwards, after the match day, before the evening, It was lovely. Well, I don't do much singing or dancing, so it was fine for me.

Jordan 0:18:32 A big roast before going on stage.

William 0:18:34 I'm told that the rest of the cast, they were, you know, there was a bit of flatulence and feeling a bit ill at points on stage, but I was fine.

Jordan 0:18:41 I bet.

Ben 0:18:42 It was like when Jordan had that curry before the Birmingham.

Jordan 0:18:45 Yes, but I learned, I learned the hard way. That was, you know, when we were first starting out as thespians and, uh, stage performers, we had a curry before we went on stage in Birmingham. Probably the worst show we've ever done as well. Yeah. I blame the curry. Not the audience like you did.

William 0:19:02 Don't throw me under the bus.

Jordan 0:19:05 You know, I blame the performers and the curry. Right. Oh, it was horrible.

William 0:19:10 It was, it was, because we ordered it on an app and it just took forever to arrive.

Jordan 0:19:13 I literally had it 10 minutes before we were due on. Yeah. Oh, we have to think. Well, look, is there anything you want to say to everyone that came to see you and all your friends and cast?

William 0:19:21 Yes. Thank you. Basically, if you were one of the 54 audiences that I was lucky enough to perform in front of, if you are in the cast, in the crew, in the wider company, you have all been magnificent to work with, and I will miss everyone very, very much.

Jordan 0:19:36 Awesome. Lovely.

William 0:19:37 Yeah, no, it was lovely.

Jordan 0:19:39 Did you have boiled potatoes on your Sunday roast?

William 0:19:41 No, I had roast.

Jordan 0:19:42 Weirdo.

William 0:19:43 What? No, sorry, I'm not weird for having a roast potato with a roast lunch.

Jordan 0:19:47 I just honestly can't tell you how much I'm into boiled potatoes.

William 0:19:50 But not with a roast. That's— that is—

Ben 0:19:53 That is criminal.

William 0:19:54 You are sick.

Ben 0:19:54 That is criminal.

Jordan 0:19:55 All right, maybe not with your roast. Who's having a roast in this weather? I've said it before, I'll say it again, nobody wants a roast in this weather.

William 0:20:01 Well, actually, I think you'll find about 22 people turned up for my roast, so—

Jordan 0:20:04 Bet they did.

Ben 0:20:05 Yeah, I bet they did.

Jordan 0:20:06 Thought you were walking funny today.

Ben 0:20:08 22 people!

Jordan 0:20:11 22? How did you have time before the match tonight?

William 0:20:13 Well, I squeezed them all in.

Jordan 0:20:19 Very good. Start the car. What else has been going on?

William 0:20:24 What else has been going on? Well, she's not here 'cause she is on holiday. I mean, half the production team is. Izzy came to stay with me.

Jordan 0:20:32 Is that—

William 0:20:33 Yeah.

Jordan 0:20:34 Matt, something is staying over at William's. Smash.

William 0:20:37 'Cause we are a bit closer to the airport than where she lives. And that was her excuse.

Jordan 0:20:42 Why did she stay over?

William 0:20:44 'Cause she had an early flight.

Jordan 0:20:45 So why did she stay at yours?

William 0:20:47 'Cause we're closer to the airport, so she'd have a bit longer in bed.

Jordan 0:20:50 Oh, okay.

William 0:20:51 Yes. So, she came to stay, and she saw the sofa that nobody likes, supposedly, in the flesh. I don't know if you've seen the sofa in the flesh, have you?

Jordan 0:21:00 Describe the sofa. Gay.

William 0:21:02 It's floral. It's floral with a scalloped back and Everyone says it's old school.

Jordan 0:21:13 It's retro. Gay.

William 0:21:16 Anyway, she liked the sofa, and it was lovely to have her, and we did a little barbecue, which was very nice. In fact, she has already texted me to say, could she stay again tonight if she gets delayed landing at Heathrow? It's like, well, no, you can just get a car, actually. You just get a car and go home. So, actually, no, because I'm going on holiday tomorrow, but I've obviously said yes.

Jordan 0:21:34 I forgot to warn you as well, if you're going on holiday tomorrow, Everyone was playing it, like every ages and stuff. Uno's gone woke, so be careful.

William 0:21:42 Uno's gone woke?

Jordan 0:21:43 If you get the new Uno, because my Uno cards are all like beer stains. I don't know what's happening. There's the new Uno.

William 0:21:50 Anyone— I don't think it's woke.

Jordan 0:21:51 It's honestly, it's like there's a card in it now that's blank, and then I'll Google it and it says house rules. You'll go down before your dinner or bike pool, everyone plays it. There's kids playing it, adults playing it, a group of girls playing it, and we have the new version And there's this one now where you put the card down, you know, the one to change colour, and in the middle is a blank white circle, and that means, um, house rules. So you can make any rule up. I'm not joking you, it's ridiculous. There's another one that's got hands in doing that, and it means everyone's got to put the cards down and reshuffle them.

William 0:22:26 Oh yeah, I've done that one before.

Jordan 0:22:28 It's the new one. Yeah, exactly. Just get the old one. You don't need the new one.

William 0:22:32 That's quite good because if you're about to win or someone's about to win and you get that, then everyone shuffles.

Ben 0:22:37 So then you swap your entire pack with someone else?

Jordan 0:22:40 No, yeah, the whole people— And then it's divided up. And then you reshuffle.

William 0:22:43 What? I quite like that.

Jordan 0:22:45 No, it's—

William 0:22:46 No, I'm fine with that.

Jordan 0:22:46 And then there's loads of other new— and it's just get the old ones. Monopoly Deal have got new cards as well. They've gone— they're rubbish. There's no— the game's the same, but the cards are a bit flimsier.

William 0:22:57 Oh, I played— our friends have got Monopoly— lots of people have Monopoly Deal, but they had one of the OG Monopoly Deal sets. And actually the design of the card is— You can hardly— like, the difference between like orange and pink or red or blue, you can't see.

Jordan 0:23:08 And there's that. And then, um, there's a new Monopoly deal now that everyone's on about.

William 0:23:13 What, from Monopoly?

Jordan 0:23:16 It's like a new Monopoly card game. But you know what I had? A little travel backgammon set. I love backgammon.

William 0:23:23 Not the one you saw in the shop that you wanted?

Jordan 0:23:25 God, no, no, no. I got— but how much? Be honest, how much was that?

William 0:23:29 I can't remember.

Jordan 0:23:30 It was about

William 0:23:31 I think it was 4 figures.

Jordan 0:23:32 Jesus, for backgammon. This was, uh, £14.99 off, uh, Amazon. You just roll it up.

William 0:23:38 Nice.

Jordan 0:23:39 Little velvet thing. But backgammon, you know where you are with it. You've got to get someone to show you backgammon though. But it's a great game, especially in Greece because it's Greek.

William 0:23:46 Is it?

Jordan 0:23:47 Yeah. Backgammon's Greek.

William 0:23:48 Backgammon.

Ben 0:23:49 God.

Jordan 0:23:50 Wow.

Ben 0:23:51 The thing with, um, Monopoly Deal and with Uno, there's like Monopoly Deal, no mercy.

Jordan 0:23:58 Yeah. Just—

Ben 0:23:59 Uno Extreme, no mercy.

Jordan 0:24:01 If it ain't broke, don't fix it. And there were all these new rules now and stuff. So, yeah, I just warn you, if you— make sure you don't buy the new one.

William 0:24:09 Well, we've got classic Uno.

Jordan 0:24:10 Well, I'll get the classic Uno. Yeah.

William 0:24:13 Well, at time of recording, as you say, tomorrow I go to Paris. Gay Paris, or as we just call it, Paris. And yes, we are then in a few days' time meeting Mike's niece and nephew, Annie and Henry, and their parents at Disney. Annie and Henry do not know that they are going to Disney. That's great. So it should be lovely because we will get— they're in France at the moment on another holiday, so they'll be driving home. They'll stop off at— or they'll see the signs to Disney probably. Oh, can we go to Disney? Can we go to Disney? They'll go to Disney and then they turn up at the hotel and then Uncle Mikey and Uncle Willy are there.

Ben 0:24:51 They will be devastated.

William 0:24:52 You shut your face.

Jordan 0:24:55 They will. What else do I—

William 0:24:57 You've been desperate for me to take you on Space Mountain, so you can be quiet.

Jordan 0:25:00 Take him up Space Mountain.

William 0:25:02 Oh, don't make a—

Ben 0:25:04 it's a very small world with Ben. Did you ever get a surprise like that when you were a little boy?

William 0:25:08 Yes, actually. I did get taken to Disney Paris, actually, as a surprise. Well, after a holiday in France. So it was nice to— did you?

Ben 0:25:16 My parents took me to Lapland when I was 4. I met Father Christmas.

William 0:25:20 Did you? Does he still write?

Ben 0:25:21 No, he stopped replying to my messages, actually.

Jordan 0:25:25 We went to Pontins. My grandma saved up the vouchers from some newspaper. True story.

William 0:25:30 Lovely.

Jordan 0:25:30 We had to go back so a fella could get his gyro.

William 0:25:33 Nice.

Jordan 0:25:34 Midweek.

Ben 0:25:35 Sorry?

William 0:25:36 Is that the Greek food?

Jordan 0:25:37 No. We went to Pontins. Yeah. And then a fella at the time, a boyfriend, she's not with him now, he was signed on, he were on dole. We had to go back on Wednesday so he could get his gyro, his money. Okay. And then we drove back.

Ben 0:25:52 Gyro

Jordan 0:25:53 like a chair? To Southport, yeah.

William 0:25:54 Gosh.

Jordan 0:25:55 So that's my childhood, true story.

William 0:25:57 Great, well, I can't wait for the film.

Jordan 0:25:59 What have we got for your Etiquette-ymology of the Week this week?

William 0:26:01 Right, on that, I have a little apology.

Jordan 0:26:04 Yeah, uh, so—

William 0:26:08 There isn't one, basically. I'll cut to the chase.

Jordan 0:26:09 Well, just to let you know, like, you know, I'm ever the professional. I'm on holiday, I'm meant to be off-grid, still texting Ben about the show and the content and emailing on Sunday, stuff like that.

William 0:26:18 Jordan, you've literally never done that before until last week.

Jordan 0:26:21 That is not true. Why would you— why would you say that? I'm always texting in the group and stuff, always. And I looked at all the social clips when I was on holiday and approved them. So I'm just saying, don't—

William 0:26:33 What a cross you bear.

Jordan 0:26:34 Just saying, I do. Don't don't get annoyed because you've not done your work. At 2:46 this morning, the Help I Sexted My Boss production WhatsApp group received this message: Total fuck-up, I've not done an Etiquette-ymology of the Week. Please may we do a JJOTW?

William 0:26:50 Johnny Joke of the Week.

Jordan 0:26:52 Thank you. So, um, we've decided to give the power to the people and ask our Gene Divas what they think we should do to cover up William's lack of preparation. There's a lot going on, it's fine, but you know. I still managed to do my prep. Uh, Steve thinks— Well,

William 0:27:07 I'm glad you're now doing it.

Jordan 0:27:08 Steve thinks William should do an apology segment detailing why and what he got up to was more important. Ellen suggests a passive-aggressive text of the week. Oh, we haven't done that in a while, but no, dig one out. It's probably one from the past week. Uh, the more—

William 0:27:25 After this.

Jordan 0:27:26 More or more of Ben Or William's journal entries.

William 0:27:31 I don't have that with me.

Jordan 0:27:32 We need to bring back your journal entry. Jake says deadly silence.

William 0:27:37 That's fine by me.

Jordan 0:27:38 A lot of people, I forgot about this, have asked for Ben's big bong or Ben's big bender or Ben to say something interesting.

William 0:27:45 I'm dying for that to happen.

Jordan 0:27:47 Olivia says maybe do your Titanic monologue.

William 0:27:50 Nope.

Jordan 0:27:50 Oh.

William 0:27:50 Well, it filled 7 and a half minutes. It was 10 last night, actually.

Jordan 0:27:55 What? Your monologue was 10 minutes?

William 0:27:57 They time it every night, and they tell me how long it is.

Jordan 0:27:59 How long is it meant to be?

William 0:28:00 They also did— this is the hilarity they get up— we get up to. Um, it's meant to be 7. Um, the crew, a different member of the crew, do how many custard creams or Jaffa Cakes they can eat, uh, during my monologue.

Jordan 0:28:14 They never stop eating, your lot.

William 0:28:16 The winner was Dan, our company manager, who, uh, did 36 Jaffa Cakes.

Jordan 0:28:21 In 10 minutes.

William 0:28:22 Uh, in 7 and a half.

Jordan 0:28:24 Uh, Lucy has suggested shots.

William 0:28:26 No.

Jordan 0:28:27 Uh, and Lucy says, I'm not doing your job for you.

William 0:28:29 Oh, well, thank you very much.

Jordan 0:28:31 So, so what are we doing? Uh, Ben, the producer of this episode, you've annoyed me with that. I always text him about it all the time.

William 0:28:38 All right, well, clearly.

Jordan 0:28:39 Well, you don't make out like I just tip up on a record day and chat shit, which I do do, but there's There's method in madness.

William 0:28:48 I'm sorry, it's all down to you. I'm sorry.

Jordan 0:28:50 Thank you.

Ben 0:28:51 Ben. Right, should we decide and then we'll be back after these messages?

Jordan 0:28:54 Well, what are we doing? I've got a joke.

Ben 0:28:56 You'll find out after these messages.

Jordan 0:28:57 I've got a joke a Scouser told me at the bar in Greece, but I don't know if it's—

Ben 0:29:01 Okay, let's do that.

Jordan 0:29:02 No, let's do your thing. All right, well, we'll find out what we're doing next.

Jordan 0:31:38 All right, Gene Davis, thanks for sticking with us. I don't know what we're doing. I don't know if we're doing Etiquette et Maladie, uh, Jordan's Jolly Joke of the Week. Ben?

Ben 0:31:50 Deadly silence.

Jordan 0:31:52 We're gonna do— what are we doing?

Ben 0:31:53 Deadly silence.

Jordan 0:31:55 Are you gonna do silence?

Ben 0:31:55 There we go, thank you.

Jordan 0:32:02 Is that what we're doing?

Ben 0:32:03 Yep, that's all we've prepared.

Jordan 0:32:04 Well, I could do a joke.

Ben 0:32:06 Well, do a joke then!

William 0:32:07 Alright, Rodrigo, could we have a jingle please? Here's the jingle.

Speaker G 0:32:10 If you like a chap who's cheeky and northern, you're in for a treat with our Jordan. And if a giggle is what you seek, you're sure to love Jordan's Charlie joke of the week.

Jordan 0:32:23 Now this scouse ital—

William 0:32:28 You're not going to be able to— we're not going to be able to transmit this. I can already tell.

Jordan 0:32:31 Right, and it's the funniest. Honestly, I spat me Mythos everywhere, right?

William 0:32:35 You what?

Jordan 0:32:36 Me Mythos, me pint.

William 0:32:38 Is that— it's the Greek—

Jordan 0:32:38 It's Greek lager. Honestly, and it's how he delivered it.

William 0:32:41 Apparently it's very good.

Jordan 0:32:43 We were chatting at the bar and we were just making small talk and I said, who you here with? And he said, oh, me missus. I said, all right. And he said, um, so when he gets here, don't laugh, she's quite small. I said, I won't laugh. She's pretty small and stuff. I was like, all right, I won't laugh. He's like, yeah, people always stare at her and what have you. He told me, I promise you won't. Yeah, she was really stressed before we got out here. I was like, all right. Yeah, he said, that's why I've come on holiday. She was really stressed, she had a bad day on Friday. He said, I got some chocolates, a bottle of wine, and a I run her a nice hot sink. Okay, I thought that was really funny. I'm only winding you up, lad. She's not that small. She's tiny. But don't stay up because she'll fucking batter you. I was like, all right, that's fine. I just thought that was really funny. Really, they're great sense of humour, the Scouse.

Ben 0:33:35 You brought the episode back.

Jordan 0:33:36 Thank you. I just thought it was a great, a great joke, how he delivered it. He had many more, but can't repeat them on the podcast.

William 0:33:45 No.

Jordan 0:33:45 Now it's time for your questions and dilemmas. Remember, if you need our help with something, then get in touch. You can send your tales of trepidation to help@sexandmyboss, or you can DM us. We're @sexandmyboss on the socials. Before we start, right, I just want a shot now of a man who's just been on holiday. What? No one's noticed the moustache, by the way.

William 0:34:00 I mean, um, yeah. A man

Jordan 0:34:03 who's been on holiday, and look at the face of a man who needs a holiday. I love you to bits, but you look shattered.

William 0:34:10 Well,

Jordan 0:34:11 you look so tired, bless you.

William 0:34:12 West End darling, isn't it? You know.

Jordan 0:34:14 Go on this holiday. Enjoy it.

William 0:34:16 I mean, it's Disney with kids. I mean, it's gonna be lovely, but I'm not sure it's a particularly restful holiday.

Jordan 0:34:20 Go off-grid. Don't be texting Ben. I'll do all that and it's fine. All right?

William 0:34:25 I've got to check the social clips that I've approved the week before and then changed my mind about them over the weekend.

Jordan 0:34:34 Again, that's not true. Right, go on.

William 0:34:36 Ben? Ben? Ben?

Ben 0:34:38 No comment.

Jordan 0:34:39 No.

William 0:34:40 Our first dilemma is from Ellen. Dear William Jordan, EPB, and the rest of the fabulous Sexted team, longtime listener, first-time question asker here. My old university housemates and I meet each year for a reunion, and this weekend we went to the lovely Peak District. We all love a drink, and our Saturday night activity was to each make a cocktail inspired by a person, place, or thing we love. Being a big fan of the podcast, I introduced my friends to a gin and Dubonnet spritz, which went down a treat. Ooh! Our dilemma occurred when we reached the end of a round of spicy margaritas, and opinions were divided. What is the etiquette of a salty rim? Should you tackle it with your tongue when your drink is finished? Should you enjoy your salty rim as you sip your beverage? And is it ever acceptable to finish off one with your fingers? We would really appreciate your thoughts on this important matter. Thank you for a wonderful podcast that makes me smile each week. From Ellen and 5 New G&D-vas: Sarah, Gemma, Jekka, Ellie, and Meg.

Jordan 0:35:30 Welcome along.

William 0:35:31 They all sound like they work in PR, don't they?

Jordan 0:35:33 I don't like a salty rim.

William 0:35:35 No.

Jordan 0:35:36 I don't. I don't get why they do that.

William 0:35:37 Well, I don't drink cocktails that often.

Jordan 0:35:40 In most bars, they put it in the salt.

William 0:35:41 Definitely don't use your fingers to finish one off, thank you very much.

Jordan 0:35:44 You're James on that, because he's a mixologist, isn't he?

William 0:35:47 Well, he's not. He's a radio presenter, but he is into cocktails, yes.

Jordan 0:35:51 So I reckon certain cocktails are meant to have a bit of salt, but… Yeah.

Ben 0:35:55 A margarita.

Jordan 0:35:55 Yeah, it is a margarita.

William 0:35:57 Europe, Europe.

Ben 0:35:58 I love a salty rim. Yeah.

William 0:35:59 Can you do— you can do sweet rims, but that's not for margaritas, or is that for a different—

Ben 0:36:03 I feel like maybe in a different sort of establishment, but I think it should be salted.

William 0:36:07 Yeah.

Ben 0:36:09 I think with sugar around the rim, it's a bit too sweet for me.

William 0:36:11 Yes.

Jordan 0:36:12 I was smashing the Negronis on holiday. No salt in that.

William 0:36:16 No, no, you don't need that.

Jordan 0:36:17 Get you pissed then.

William 0:36:18 Martinis, again, you don't need it.

Jordan 0:36:20 I had one of them on Saturday when I got back.

William 0:36:22 Keep it classic. But no, I think have it if you want to.

Jordan 0:36:26 It's— Yeah, but how— what's the etiquette of eating it? I just—

William 0:36:29 Don't start licking it.

Jordan 0:36:30 No, I just make one little— take one sip from it, grin and bear it, and then leave that little gap. You don't have to—

William 0:36:37 Would you— so normally I would say, from an etiquette point of view, with it, let's just say a wine glass, for example, or a tumbler of Gin Tonic, whatever, you drink from basically the same point. But actually, if you have got the— if the entire rim is salted, is that sort of the exception to the rule where you can sort of— keep turning it to sort of get another bit of salt, because obviously once you put your lips on it, that's going to dissolve.

Ben 0:36:56 I think that's how you should drink it, surely.

William 0:36:59 Just mind your lipstick, which you need to be very careful of.

Jordan 0:37:02 Of course, which I wear a lot on

William 0:37:05 holiday. You do? You've still got some of it on now?

Jordan 0:37:07 I have.

William 0:37:07 I've been terrible at taking off my eyeliner. Nothing seems to take off eyeliner. And so I've probably still got some on now. Nothing gets rid of it.

Jordan 0:37:15 How do you take it off? Do you use a wipe?

William 0:37:17 Well, I use either eye makeup remover, but I'm there like for like 5 minutes per eye. And in the end, I'm just like, sod it.

Jordan 0:37:23 Can't be bothered.

William 0:37:24 Yeah, I'm gonna put— well, not anymore, but I was like, well, I've been putting more on tomorrow, so what's the point?

Jordan 0:37:28 I'm worried about your post-show crash after this when you get back off holiday.

William 0:37:33 Oh, I think I'll be fine.

Jordan 0:37:34 Oh, I don't think so.

William 0:37:35 I'm gonna be busy.

Jordan 0:37:36 Oh, good, good.

William 0:37:37 I'm glad I've got a holiday, because if I— at time of recording, there isn't a show today, so no one's going in. But tomorrow, when I know they're all going in, that if I weren't on holiday and I was just sitting at home and looking at my watch going, they're all doing company warm-up without me. So, at least I'll be distracted tomorrow, so I think it'll be fine. This is from Cameron. Hello, William, Jordan, producer Ben, and the team. After many years of working in sports media and for nearly a decade at Man City— Oh. Not a gay club— working alongside some of the best footballers in the world, I've decided to make a change in career. I'm 43, and come September, I'll be starting a course training to be a secondary school drama teacher. Starting something new like this is scary, but if not now, it might never happen. I recently received my first school placement for when my training starts, and it will be at Penwortham Priory, Jordan's old high school.

Jordan 0:38:26 Penwortham Priory, not Penwortham.

William 0:38:28 What?

Jordan 0:38:29 Penwortham.

William 0:38:29 Penwortham.

Jordan 0:38:30 Penwortham.

William 0:38:31 Penwortham. I wonder what tips Jordan could give me to help me survive my first 6 months of teacher training there. Also, any tips that you guys might have about venturing into a new career path would be gratefully welcomed. Your pod is one of the highlights of my week and has me laughing out loud in public constantly. Keep it up. Cheers, Cameron.

Jordan 0:38:47 Well, Cameron, um, good luck with a new job. It's a great thing that you're there.

William 0:38:52 Break a leg if you're a drama teacher.

Jordan 0:38:54 Break a leg. You will be fine.

William 0:38:55 Support the kids.

Jordan 0:38:56 It's, it's a great school. It really is. And you've got a great headteacher there, Mr. Eastham, who used to be my PE teacher.

William 0:39:03 Oh.

Jordan 0:39:03 And the deputy head, uh, Miss Crank, who was my ICT teacher.

William 0:39:08 That's a great name for a deputy head.

Jordan 0:39:09 Miss Crank.

William 0:39:10 Yeah.

Jordan 0:39:10 She's great. So, you'll be fine. It's a really good school, really great staff. That surprise dinner party I'm doing on YouTube— Yes. Yeah, where basically I have to cook a surprise recipe.

William 0:39:21 Are you genuinely surprised by this?

Jordan 0:39:22 Never have a clue who they are. So any RG and Divas, give it a watch. And the last one I did was 3 of my teachers turned up from Priory.

William 0:39:31 Oh.

Jordan 0:39:31 Penwithen Priory. And I was like, I've not seen them for like 20 years.

William 0:39:34 That's sweet.

Jordan 0:39:35 Yeah, so it's a really good school. You'll be fine. And drama is a great thing to teach. Everyone loves drama. Even the people that pretend they don't like drama.

William 0:39:44 Yeah. Oh yeah, drama's great.

Jordan 0:39:45 Drama's great. So yeah, you'll be fine.

William 0:39:47 And unlike, you know, other subjects like English or maths, in drama, the kids are meant to be running around. So that's what teachers have to keep in mind.

Jordan 0:39:54 Trying to think who else is there. If the dinner ladies, Val and Julie, are there, tell them I said hello. They used to sort me out, Val and Julie. So you'd have 2 queues. So it'd start in single file and then you'd have a lump. Went left or right, and I'd go left, eat me dinner, and then I'd go back right, and they'd give me 3 seconds.

William 0:40:13 Well, you were a fat child.

Jordan 0:40:15 I was, I was. Yeah, and nothing wrong with that.

William 0:40:17 No, nothing wrong with that at all, but now we know why.

Jordan 0:40:19 So yeah, let us know how you get on. In 6 months' time, we're on our way back for you.

William 0:40:23 Okay, great. This is from Rick. Hi boys, I'm preparing for my summer holidays and wondered about the etiquette for body hair on holiday.

Jordan 0:40:30 Ah!

William 0:40:30 As a man of a certain age, I found that body hair now covers around 85% of my body. Think Michael J. Fox in Teen Wolf. I need to remove some unsightly hair, but I wondered where to stop. Just the back, chest, arms, treasure trail, full body. Please help with this conundrum. Rick. Well, Rick, without sort of actually seeing you, it's quite hard to— But also, regardless of— Are you com— Just, it's your body. You do what you want.

Jordan 0:40:53 Well, I'd get some Veet. But I'd use some Veet Sensitive.

William 0:40:57 No.

Jordan 0:40:57 I've never used it before. I shaved my chest just before I went on holiday. I just got— my beard trimmer, shaved my chest, and it was fine. I did it like a few weeks before because you don't want to be going totally bare. That's me. Not bears in raw.

William 0:41:09 Bears in what?

Jordan 0:41:11 Raw. I said raw then.

William 0:41:14 Yeah, you did.

Jordan 0:41:15 I've been in West London too long. Yeah. Um, so I, I shaved about 3 weeks before I went on holiday.

William 0:41:20 Okay.

Jordan 0:41:21 So there, and then for the rest of it, back, top of your arms, bit of feet sensitive.

William 0:41:26 No.

Jordan 0:41:26 If you're doing your asshole—

William 0:41:27 Oh, Jordan.

Jordan 0:41:29 Just make sure you got Veet Sensitive.

William 0:41:32 Can I, on behalf of beauticians, Veet or Nair or any of those other equivalents, the trouble is it's— you should get waxed.

Jordan 0:41:42 No, no.

William 0:41:43 Because it will grow back thicker. It's a bit like shaving. Wax. Not wax.

Jordan 0:41:48 I have never— Do you remember when I got waxed before I went on holiday and she had to put the wax strip in my mouth? I went, you're a bad diss. 'Cause I was screaming in pain. Yeah, but were they doing…

William 0:41:56 Hot wax that is ripped off, or were they doing wax and then those awful sort of like pages that—

Jordan 0:42:01 Hot wax.

William 0:42:02 Okay.

Jordan 0:42:02 It was horrific. It was horrific. So I'd say a bit of V and just use a razor. But yeah, have a shave before you go on holiday.

William 0:42:08 I would say go and get waxed.

Jordan 0:42:09 Also, um, whilst— remember as well, if you're going on a beach holiday or pool holiday, pack Sudocrem.

William 0:42:15 For what?

Jordan 0:42:17 Swimming shorts chafe is an issue that not enough men talk about. And I'd like to bring it to light.

William 0:42:24 Does that not mean that your swimming shorts are too tight?

Jordan 0:42:25 I'm going on This Morning to talk about it tomorrow, to bring it to an issue for men. There's not enough men talking about swimming shorts.

William 0:42:31 Are you genuinely talking about swimming shorts?

Jordan 0:42:33 I am. Like, it's good now that we talk about mental health and stuff, and a lot of men do and stuff. I genuinely think we need to all start talking about swimming shorts chafe.

William 0:42:41 I mean, that is the biggest issue that we've got.

Jordan 0:42:44 Like, the chafe you get from like swimming shorts that you've had on all day and why it's just like a bit of Sudocrem.

William 0:42:48 Do you not change swimming shorts halfway through the day?

Jordan 0:42:51 I do when you get back to a hotel. That's the best feeling ever. You, you get your swim shorts off and you put like just shorts on that have nothing in them. You go, you freeball it, and it is the best feeling ever in the cool. No boxers on underneath, just a pair of sports shorts or just baggy shorts.

William 0:43:08 We have very different holidays.

Ben 0:43:09 I've started wearing loose-fitted pants.

William 0:43:13 Well, cheers.

Jordan 0:43:16 And how's that going for you?

Ben 0:43:17 Just a similar feeling to that.

Jordan 0:43:18 Yeah, and why is that? Just, uh,

Ben 0:43:20 I was recommended to it by a friend.

Jordan 0:43:23 Loose fit.

Ben 0:43:23 Just give you a bit more space. The worst thing about swimming shorts for me is when you're wearing swimming shorts, you've obviously been in the sea or been in the pool, when you've got to like sit to get home and it's really itchy.

Jordan 0:43:32 Yeah, that's the chafe. Why is that?

Ben 0:43:33 That's the chafe.

Jordan 0:43:35 Why is the chafe? That's the chafe.

Ben 0:43:35 I would call it the swimming shorts itch more than the chafe.

Jordan 0:43:37 Well, swimming shorts itch, whatever you want to call it. 7-year hitch, swimming shorts itch, whatever you want to call it. But just make sure, lads, you take Sudocrem, because if you, like me, you've got sensitive skin, you will have chafage. And it'll be very, very sore. And don't do what I did and forget it, and then you have to go downstairs to shop

William 0:43:54 and

Jordan 0:43:54 pay €14. And I'm going, no, I'm all-inclusive.

William 0:43:57 I'm deluxe. I'm deluxe.

Jordan 0:43:59 No, no, no, you'll have to pay for— I'm like, no, no, no, I'm deluxe. I can get any drink I want on this. I'm, I'm not on house vodka.

Ben 0:44:06 Don't drink.

Jordan 0:44:07 I can get any drink. I'm not on house vodka. I can have any vodka I want. I had a Grey Goose yesterday. So no, no, no, you'll have to pay for it, sir. I'm like, I'm deluxe. So just be careful.

William 0:44:17 Okay, this is from Kira. Dear William and Jordan, I am hoping you can help me with a vitally important dilemma. I enjoy giving cards to people for lots of occasions: birthdays, thank-yous, marriages, graduations, etc. I spend time selecting beautifully designed cards on luxury cardstock, naturally, and composing heartfelt messages, which always go down a treat. However, every time I go to put the card in the envelope, I have to pause. Which direction should the card face when inserted?

Jordan 0:44:42 Great question. I often think

William 0:44:45 I always place the card so that when the envelope is opened, the picture is facing the recipient with the fold at the bottom so that anything inside doesn't fall out when removed from the envelope. William, please tell me that this method is correct and that I haven't been making a complete fool of myself all these years with upside-down cards. Yours sincerely, Kira.

Jordan 0:45:02 See, it annoys me when we go on TV shows and talk about this podcast. You know, when we was on Saturday Kitchen the other week, you know all that?

William 0:45:07 Oh yeah, we haven't even talked about Saturday Kitchen, but yeah.

Jordan 0:45:10 And everyone was— by the way, my favourite show to be on.

William 0:45:14 Oh, it was a great show.

Jordan 0:45:14 I absolutely loved— of all the shows, I loved being on. Everyone makes you feel so loved and welcome, but everyone's like, oh, he's too rude. We do get nice etiquette questions as well.

William 0:45:23 Yes, we do. We could never remember them when we get asked.

Jordan 0:45:26 No. 'Cause we always go to the shoebox one, don't we?

William 0:45:28 Yes, and they go, any dilemmas you could talk about on Saturday morning television? No. Well, go on, you give your answer, and then I'll give mine.

Jordan 0:45:37 I think the way you're doing it's perfect. Fold at the bottom. picture facing, or just as long as when they pull it out, you see the picture.

William 0:45:44 Yeah, definitely have the design face so when they open the flap, that it is facing them. Absolutely. Um, definitely do that. I would say the fold up because then you don't get a paper cut or anything when you take it out. That's what we would teach.

Jordan 0:45:58 Yeah.

William 0:45:59 Yeah.

Jordan 0:45:59 Okay.

William 0:46:00 Joe, training director from The English Manor, who's sitting in here today, is also nodding as well. In fact, it's a question in one of our exams.

Jordan 0:46:05 Oh, is it? Oh, okay. So you're saying fold up.

William 0:46:09 Rigorous exams.

Jordan 0:46:10 Fold up.

William 0:46:12 Yes. It's just easier to sort of withdraw.

Jordan 0:46:15 Quickly, because I'm inside the kitchen. I have been replaying the clip.

William 0:46:19 Potty-mouth Jordan North.

Jordan 0:46:21 No, apparently I mouthed the—

William 0:46:24 F-word.

Jordan 0:46:25 I did. I, in my defence, because I always go— and if you listen to this podcast, I do it at least twice recording— I always go, oh, for God's sake.

William 0:46:31 And

Jordan 0:46:32 I went, oh, for— and it looks like I swore. It looks like I've gone, oh, fuck, which I wouldn't.

William 0:46:36 At the results of the poll, my Beef Wellington won.

Jordan 0:46:40 Your Beef Wellington won, and many Gene Divas voted, so thank you. But, um, big ups to Sally Kitchen. Like, the crew there are so nice, and Matt is great, innit?

William 0:46:49 I know. And lovely Helen McGinn.

Jordan 0:46:51 Oh, I love Helen.

William 0:46:51 She was so lovely.

Jordan 0:46:52 I knew you'd like Helen.

William 0:46:53 Yeah, she's great fun.

Jordan 0:46:53 She's such a good laugh, isn't she?

William 0:46:55 With her tinned wines. Yes. Didn't love those, but, uh, that was not her choice. But it was lovely to meet her, having heard so much about her from so many different people. Our final dilemma is from Ross. Hello, William and Jordan. When I was 3 years old, back in 1993—

Jordan 0:47:09 Same age as me! I was 3 in '93. '93. '90.

William 0:47:12 Oh, fantastic. We're basically brothers.

Jordan 0:47:15 We're the same age.

William 0:47:16 My dad popped down to the local market to buy me a pirate VHS. As in Pirates of the Caribbean, or—

Jordan 0:47:23 It was— I'm not endorsing it as There was a lot of them in there. It was so bad in the '90s that when you got a Disney video, it said, make sure you've got a hologram on your video to check it was a proper one.

William 0:47:35 Where I grew up, the Mickey Mouse hologram.

Jordan 0:47:37 I watched— I'm not gonna say what it is. I watched a well-known film.

William 0:47:41 Mm-hmm.

Jordan 0:47:42 And halfway through, a bloke stood up to go for a wee in cinema. I'm not even joking, I promise you.

William 0:47:49 Well, I have a feeling this—

Jordan 0:47:50 Someone filmed it on a camcorder in cinema.

William 0:47:52 Which is illegal.

Jordan 0:47:54 Which is, yes, and not good.

William 0:47:55 Anyway, Ross's father picked up Disney's Bees Knees.

Jordan 0:47:58 There was the ad— sorry to interrupt. There was the adverts as well.

William 0:48:00 Piracy, it's a crime.

Jordan 0:48:02 It funds terrorism.

William 0:48:02 I don't know if it said it funds terrorism.

Jordan 0:48:04 You wouldn't steal a TV. Yeah, they did used to say funds terrorism. You wouldn't steal a bag. Yeah, you would, honestly. And 'cause it were the '90s, it was always alluded to IRA and stuff. Like that you were funding them.

William 0:48:17 Gosh.

Jordan 0:48:17 Anyway. Okay.

William 0:48:19 He picked up Disney's Beauty and the Beast.

Jordan 0:48:20 Sorry, that was a bit dark.

William 0:48:21 Came home, sat me in front of the television, put the video on, and headed off to get on with a few chores in the kitchen. Okay. A few moments later, he heard me screaming and crying. He rushed back in to see what had happened, only to discover to his absolute horror that the film on screen was not Disney's animated classic at all, but a very low-budget adult theme with a suspiciously similar title, Beauty and the Beast. Naturally, he took the video straight back to the man he had bought it from, or at least that is what he told my mum. So, did my dad do the right thing here? Yes.

Ben 0:48:52 Yep.

William 0:48:52 Well, no, but then yes. And what exactly is the etiquette when you have accidentally introduced your 3-year-old to something very much not intended for children? Warmest regards, Ross. Well, this is what happens when you buy illegal.

Jordan 0:49:04 I promise you, this similar thing happened to me and my mate. We thought we were watching Saving Private Ryan.

William 0:49:11 Yes, you were shaving Ryan's privates.

Jordan 0:49:13 It was Shaving Private Ryan. Or something like that. I promise you. Yeah. Schindler's Fist as well.

William 0:49:19 Yeah.

Jordan 0:49:19 We got it completely wrong.

William 0:49:20 I need to give you that back, actually.

Jordan 0:49:22 Thank you. So, yeah, I think your dad handled it pretty well.

Ben 0:49:28 Do you not think that this could be a situation similar to Graham where the magazines were found in the shed and they were from the previous owner?

Jordan 0:49:35 Excuse me? Yes.

Ben 0:49:36 And he said—

Jordan 0:49:36 Legally, he's got to say that. Those magazines me and our Ryan found were from the previous— She went mad at them.

Ben 0:49:43 So this dad has said, oh yeah, we accidentally bought it from the market.

William 0:49:47 Yeah. I mean, this is where, again, had you just bought the— if you, you know, wanted to, bought the proper film from HMV or whatever shop you— there were back in 1993 to buy your VHSs, you would not have had this problem.

Jordan 0:50:01 There was a sense of community when your mate had come back off holiday. Was this just in our school? And he went to Tenerife and he got a porn DVD and it did the rounds around school.

William 0:50:14 This is absolutely in your school.

Jordan 0:50:15 And there was a, there was a sense of community about that. And you'd go up— was this just at my school?

William 0:50:21 Yes.

Jordan 0:50:21 And you'd be like, I won't mention full names because I know he listens, he's got kids himself now. But if you got Pete's DVD, oh no, I gave it to so-and-so in DT. So then you'd have to go rounds and then Went for about 20 different lads before he borrowed it. And it was nice, it was back. And he come back, I followed him, he's more down, I went, I went into a shop and bought Bluey. It's like, really? He's like, yeah, I'll lend it you. And it went round. Rick still got it. Yes, Rick still got it.

William 0:50:54 We have very different childhoods.

Jordan 0:50:56 Did you?

William 0:50:56 Yes, we did not do that.

Jordan 0:50:58 Okay.

William 0:50:59 No. Well, that was lovely. What a lovely— we had greeting cards dilemmas, we've had illegal VHSs. We are a broad church, as I always say.

Jordan 0:51:08 Thank you for your questions and dilemmas. Remember, you can listen to new episodes every Tuesday and Friday and 24 hours before anywhere else on Global Player. And you can watch us on YouTube as well. We put the full episodes up every release day. All you gotta do is head to YouTube and search for Sex Ed. We'll see you on Friday.

William 0:51:25 Goodbye.

Jordan 0:51:25 Bye-bye.