Help I’ve Got A Limp Shake | And William Tries Jordan’s Sausage

Jordan North 0:01:55 Thank you. You're very welcome. That's Chairman Emeritus Stewart getting my water, everybody. I appreciate that, thank you. Room temperature, but okay. That's a lesson to be learned.

William Hanson 0:02:09 What?

Jordan North 0:02:10 That we all get each other's waters.

William Hanson 0:02:12 I need some water, could you go and get me some?

Jordan North 0:02:14 Sheds, as they call it in New Zealand.

William Hanson 0:02:16 Tell me about sheds.

Jordan North 0:02:17 So I read this book about the New Zealand rugby team. And the captain—

William Hanson 0:02:20 Was it a picture book?

Jordan North 0:02:21 No, it's a real book.

William Hanson 0:02:22 Okay.

Jordan North 0:02:23 The captain and the most senior players empty out the sheds, the changing rooms, every session, every match. It shows you that you're not too above.

William Hanson 0:02:34 Yeah, I quite agree.

Jordan North 0:02:35 Well, they empty the bins, they sweep the floors, they make sure the changing rooms are tidy.

William Hanson 0:02:39 Back in the day when I was, uh, doing my couple of weeks of butler training, the butler that was training me said that In fact, this happened on one of the days. One of the daily housekeepers that would come in and work at the castle and clean was ill and called in sick. And he said, well, the person that then does her duties and cleans the loos is the butler. It's the top of the tree. It goes back down. You don't get then someone lower down the tree. It's a sign of a good manager. Bob Iger, former CEO of Disney, in his book— actually, I think you've read that as well, Ride of a Lifetime? Yeah, it's good. He is the first one that is in the office beyond security, turns on the lights, makes the coffee. Why should you, as— if you're the boss of a company, you don't— shouldn't expect other people to do things that you're not prepared to do yourself.

Jordan North 0:03:25 I'll have a tea, 2 sugars, please, Stu. Hello, and welcome to Help! I Sexted My Boss, the podcast where we help you navigate the challenges of modern-day life. Answering your 21st century questions and finding solutions to everyday dilemmas. Like, what should you do when your boyfriend wants to use your neighbour's sex toys? Or how would you ask someone if, after crashing their Lime bike into your car, you've not had time to wipe your arse? And what should you do if you've accidentally sexted your boss? But we're not usual agony aunts, are we, William Hanson, the UK's leading etiquette expert?

William Hanson 0:04:02 No, we're not, Jordan North, radio and television presenter. I'm more Friends with Benedict, you're more friends with benefits. That's from Emily. I'm not— I mean, where do we start with that? Benedict's not here today, actually.

Jordan North 0:04:15 He's not?

William Hanson 0:04:16 No, another flipping holiday.

Jordan North 0:04:17 He's at Boomtown Festival.

William Hanson 0:04:19 What is it?

Jordan North 0:04:20 I don't know. Is that next to Toy Town? He's too old to be— he's clinging on to his youth, isn't he? He's too old to be going to Boomtown. What is Boomtown Festival?

William Hanson 0:04:28 I've absolutely no idea.

Jordan North 0:04:29 Okay.

William Hanson 0:04:31 But I hope he has—

Jordan North 0:04:31 Jack, what's Boomtown Festival?

Jack 0:04:35 Boomtown Festival.

William Hanson 0:04:36 That is so chic! It's such a funny one.

Jordan North 0:04:40 Has he got a foot pedal?

William Hanson 0:04:40 Ben has to press it and uses all his strength to hold his fingers down on the button. Jack has just put the button on the floor and stomped on the button.

Jack 0:04:49 I watch Ben with his little frail fingers try and push it every week. And I've said to him, why don't you use your foot? It's a foot pedal. It says it on the box.

Jordan North 0:04:56 Oh, is it?

William Hanson 0:04:56 Is it actually meant as a foot pedal?

Jordan North 0:04:58 Yeah. Oh, so right. It's basically like being at an Ed Sheeran gig, this.

William Hanson 0:05:03 Anyway, sorry, we interrupt— your button pressing distracted us. What is Boomtown? So chic.

Jack 0:05:07 Um, I've never been to Boomtown, I've got to be honest, but it's in the South Downs National Park near Winchester. It's strictly 18s only. It features sprawling living storyline built around life-size street sets complete with 12 main stages, more than 50 hidden venues across heavily themed city districts. It sounds a bit more Kat than Ben. Yeah.

William Hanson 0:05:29 Yeah, well, I hope they have a lovely time.

Jordan North 0:05:30 Hey, now, do you know what I thought would go down well with our Gin and the Bonnet?

William Hanson 0:05:34 Yeah?

Jordan North 0:05:35 It's one of the reasons why I'm, uh, a bit late today. Also that, and I had a marketing meeting, but—

William Hanson 0:05:40 I'll be pouring the Gin and the Bonnet.

Jordan North 0:05:43 You remember, what did you say you've never tried before on a recent episode?

William Hanson 0:05:47 Um, poppers.

Jordan North 0:05:48 No, it wasn't poppers. Remember?

William Hanson 0:05:54 Can I finish doing the— or do you want to take over doing the jigglypuff? No, you do. Oh, I'll do it all. Hang on, I've done the jigglypuff.

Jordan North 0:06:00 Oh, you want me to do the Tapu Lele?

William Hanson 0:06:01 No, well, I did. I just asked you, but you made it quite clear that that was not your unit. Well, you've put a white— sort of a white paper bag with greasy bags inside it. I can't smell what I think it is, so that's probably a good sign. Can't smell anything fishy.

Jordan North 0:06:19 No, we know nothing fishy touches your lips. No. Kinnell, do you wanna take any longer with these?

William Hanson 0:06:24 Well, I'm sort of delaying the inevitable about what I'm gonna— you're gonna make me do.

Jordan North 0:06:28 Open it up, have a look.

William Hanson 0:06:30 Right, should we do the toast first? This is to Phoebe, who's messaged in to say, hi, William, Jordan, EPB, and the rest of the Sex Ed team. I'd love it if you could do a toast to wish me and many others around the world good luck for their results day. Presumably that's sort of exam results, not clinic results. Throughout the many months— Good luck to them as well. Throughout the many months of revision, I always had you two on to help me through and make me laugh when I felt overwhelmed, which was 90% of the time. Honestly, I'm not sure how I would have survived the exam period without you. Thank you so much for everything you do and keeping us all entertained. Here's hoping all those months of revision has paid off. Phoebe. Phoebe and everyone else getting their results— exam, sexual, whatever— here's to you. Up yours.

Jordan North 0:07:11 Thank you. Congrats on your results and best of luck. And do we have to— like, yeah, well, I'm not going to do that whole Don't worry if you didn't get what you want thing, but don't worry if you didn't get what you wanted.

William Hanson 0:07:21 I've just done it.

Jordan North 0:07:23 It doesn't matter. Right. It does matter. Have a look in there.

William Hanson 0:07:28 Oh, oh God, that's not what I thought it was.

Jordan North 0:07:31 What did you think it was?

William Hanson 0:07:33 I thought it was chips.

Jordan North 0:07:34 Well, it's not far off.

William Hanson 0:07:36 It's a battered sausage, I believe.

Jordan North 0:07:38 You said you'd— look at the size of that! It's the best way to have sausage, I've always said. Battered. Right, so— Can I have a knife and fork? No, no, no, no, none of that. We ain't got time for that. Just get stuck in.

William Hanson 0:07:49 It's lukewarm.

Jordan North 0:07:51 Just go on, give it a bite.

William Hanson 0:07:53 Can I tear it off?

Jordan North 0:07:54 Yeah, you can tear it off. Oh, it feels so greasy. No, eat it whole. Eat it whole.

William Hanson 0:07:57 What sort of sausage?

Jordan North 0:07:58 The battered sausage.

William Hanson 0:08:00 Pork?

Jordan North 0:08:01 Yeah, sure.

William Hanson 0:08:02 Oh, I don't think I want to try battered sausage. Oh, it's not for me. No.

Jordan North 0:08:11 No? Oh, it's for me.

William Hanson 0:08:16 Oh, I can feel my arteries closing.

Jordan North 0:08:19 Oh my God.

William Hanson 0:08:21 Oh no.

Jordan North 0:08:22 Oh, that reminds me of chippy cheese, that.

William Hanson 0:08:24 Well, thank you for getting that for me and ticking that off my bouquet list, but it's beginning to grow on me, but I think it would need to be much hotter. I need to have some sauce. It's a bit dry.

Jordan North 0:08:38 With mushy peas.

William Hanson 0:08:39 Could you swallow before you carry on?

Jordan North 0:08:41 Or curry sauce.

William Hanson 0:08:43 Oh.

Jordan North 0:08:45 Or with gravy.

Jack 0:08:46 What drink do you think would best pair with a battered sausage?

Jordan North 0:08:49 Dandelion and burdock, any day of the week.

William Hanson 0:08:51 What? Dandelion and burdock?

Jordan North 0:08:53 You've never heard or had dandelion and burdock?

William Hanson 0:08:57 God, I guess what we're doing next week. What is it? Is that alcohol?

Jordan North 0:09:02 I love how they both wrote that down on the notes there. You've never had Dandelion and Burdock?

William Hanson 0:09:06 I don't know what it is!

Jordan North 0:09:07 Fucking 8 years we've been doing this and you still never cease to amaze me.

William Hanson 0:09:11 Is it alcoholic?

Jordan North 0:09:12 No, it's a kind of pop.

William Hanson 0:09:13 Oh.

Jordan North 0:09:13 It's dandelion.

William Hanson 0:09:15 And burdock.

Jordan North 0:09:17 They were a really good detective series in the '90s as well.

William Hanson 0:09:20 Right.

Jordan North 0:09:20 ITV.

William Hanson 0:09:21 Of course it was.

Jordan North 0:09:22 Or was that Dazzle? Did you ever watch Dazzle and Pascoe?

William Hanson 0:09:24 Dazzle— that's not how you say it.

Jordan North 0:09:27 What were they called? Do you remember, Stu? What was it? Dial 'Em Pascoe. Dial 'Em Pascoe. That would have got him.

William Hanson 0:09:33 No.

Jordan North 0:09:34 My grandma used to like that.

William Hanson 0:09:35 I did Poirot and Marple.

Jordan North 0:09:36 They were from up north, Dial 'Em Pascoe.

William Hanson 0:09:38 That's why I didn't watch it.

Jordan North 0:09:40 Anyway, cheers.

William Hanson 0:09:41 Yes, thank you for getting me battered sausage, everyone.

Jordan North 0:09:44 Oh, oh, I'm gonna grab that.

William Hanson 0:09:46 Nice. How are you?

Jordan North 0:09:47 I'm good, how are you?

William Hanson 0:09:48 Yeah, fine. I feel we've got a lot to talk about.

Jordan North 0:09:50 We've got a lot to talk about. Where would you like to begin? The barbecue?

William Hanson 0:09:54 Yeah, go on. So this could be the entire episode, everyone.

Jordan North 0:09:57 We had William Hansen And everyone from the Help I Sexed My Boss team and the Capital Breakfast crew.

William Hanson 0:10:03 Yep.

Jordan North 0:10:03 And Will Manning.

William Hanson 0:10:05 Just for good measure.

Jordan North 0:10:08 Rounded mine on the weekend for a barbecue.

William Hanson 0:10:11 Yes.

Jordan North 0:10:12 There was a couple of slip-ups, but other than that, there was a bit of a disaster. The gas ran out halfway through.

William Hanson 0:10:18 Yeah. So, I mean, let's start there. It was— we had a lovely time. Thank you. Okay, I'm just gonna preface anything that then follows. Why is everyone saying that?

Jordan North 0:10:28 'Cause no one's mentioned the food.

William Hanson 0:10:30 Well, we'll come on to the— trust me, we'll come on to the food. We had a lovely time. So please, no one read into this. We all had a lovely time. We're not being ungracious. We had a lovely time. However, I did notice we were some of the first there. I think Ben was the first there, actually. Ben was the first to arrive. Yeah, eager beaver.

Jordan North 0:10:47 Couldn't believe it.

William Hanson 0:10:48 No. With the dog.

Jordan North 0:10:50 Yeah, there you go. Doggo. I had a lovely time, Jules. I thought your hot dogs and your burgers and your everything was lovely. Really, really nice day it was. I loved it. I loved it. It was beautiful.

William Hanson 0:11:02 So we arrived. Ben's there. Mikey and I then turn up. And I did the— first of all, I looked at the barbecue. And I thought, what a small canister of gas. You'd gone for the half size. So generally, it was one of my first things I thought of. Went, that's quite small. He hasn't gone for the big size.

Jordan North 0:11:15 Oh, is there big size ones?

William Hanson 0:11:16 There is a big size one. Mine's bigger than yours. And I've got 2 of them. In fact, you had 2 of them. You basically had a full-size canister just split over 2 smaller ones. But, and only because I've come more recently to barbecuing, you are much more adept at barbecuing than I am and have done it longer. When I was ordering my gas canister, I thought, should I get the half size? I was like, no, I'll just get the big size. I won't be tight. I'll get the big size.

Jordan North 0:11:39 Sure.

William Hanson 0:11:42 Anyway, so I did notice that. And then when you then started to cook a few hours later, halfway through cooking your— was it sausages and burgers you were doing?

Jordan North 0:11:50 Sausages.

William Hanson 0:11:52 It ran out.

Jordan North 0:11:53 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:11:53 And then you went, oh, don't worry, I've got another, I've got another one. Went to go and get the other one, that was empty.

Jordan North 0:11:59 That was empty. Yeah.

William Hanson 0:12:00 Yeah. So, hmm.

Jordan North 0:12:03 So everything was going to plan. I did all the prep the night before. I made the salad. I did, you know, I did all the prep.

William Hanson 0:12:10 Oh my God, so much food. It was so lovely.

Jordan North 0:12:12 Brownies and that. So then we had to kind of oven cook everything else.

William Hanson 0:12:16 Yeah. And Can we talk about the chicken?

Jordan North 0:12:19 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:12:21 So there was a point where you took the chicken out just to check if it was okay. You took the foil off the top, and you were like, oh, is that cooked? Which is just what you wanna hear with chicken in particular. And I said, have you got a meat probe? Anyway, you pulled your trousers back up and— sorry.

Jordan North 0:12:38 Been waiting for that one all week.

William Hanson 0:12:40 No, I have just thought of that. Anyway, I said, have you got a meat probe? You go, oh yes. And you go and you get yours out the kitchen utensil drawer. Now, it's not a digital one. That's fine. It's a dial one. Fine, they all work. However, it's when you then stuck it in and you were— and it wasn't really moving, and we noticed there was glass inside the meat probe where it had shattered. So it obviously wasn't working properly enough, because it's broken. You just need a new one. I went, no, I'm not gonna have chicken. I'll just have the sausages and the burgers.

Jordan North 0:13:08 Can I just say, the chicken was what everyone's going on about.

William Hanson 0:13:10 Oh, is it? Well, I missed out.

Jordan North 0:13:12 I marinated it the night before, put the black latex gloves on, and proper got stuck in. Made my own barbecue marinade the night before.

William Hanson 0:13:19 What was it? What are your ingredients?

Jordan North 0:13:21 Well, that'd be telling.

William Hanson 0:13:22 Oh, okay.

Jordan North 0:13:22 Honestly, no, I went on Google Gemini.

William Hanson 0:13:26 Right, okay.

Jordan North 0:13:27 And did it, and it told me what to do then.

William Hanson 0:13:29 Fine.

Jordan North 0:13:29 Which was great. Um, then the, the, the gas went, so then I had to put it all in the, the oven, and people were proper starving, so I'm like getting crisps out. Who went to get the gas?

William Hanson 0:13:40 That was Mikey and me. Yes. And both Toms.

Jordan North 0:13:42 And both Toms.

William Hanson 0:13:43 Yeah.

Jordan North 0:13:44 Thank you for— I still owe you for that. How much do I owe you?

William Hanson 0:13:46 You've already texted me about it. £55, I think it was.

Jordan North 0:13:50 Are you sure?

William Hanson 0:13:50 Yeah. And by the way, that hardware store, they did not take American Express.

Jordan North 0:13:54 Okay.

William Hanson 0:13:56 I did ask. Actually, that hardware store is actually really good.

Jordan North 0:13:59 £55 for gas?

William Hanson 0:14:01 Mm. And we took both canisters, and that was for one of the half canisters. Why didn't you fill— Well, 'cause we decided no. It's already generous enough that we are—

Jordan North 0:14:11 I would've given you the money.

William Hanson 0:14:12 I know. I don't actually know why we didn't. Don't blame me. But we didn't. We just did one.

Jordan North 0:14:16 Okay. How long does it take to fill a gas canister?

William Hanson 0:14:19 Oh, they did it in seconds.

Jordan North 0:14:20 Oh, right.

William Hanson 0:14:20 The biggest thing was crossing the road and waiting for the traffic lights.

Jordan North 0:14:23 Well, thank you for doing that. You rescued the day. And then I had to put everything in the oven and then just blast it on the barbecue. But ideally you want it on the barbecue properly, so—

William Hanson 0:14:31 Where you have previously said to me, oh, I bet you're one of those people that just cook everything in the oven and finish it off on the barbecue. Well, look at you now.

Jordan North 0:14:39 This is actually what I had to do. Yeah, but we got, we got there in the end, I think, didn't we? Yes. It wasn't too bad. I just, I didn't have time to melt the cheese on the burgers, which annoyed me.

William Hanson 0:14:49 Oh, that's fine.

Jordan North 0:14:50 Did you have a burger?

William Hanson 0:14:51 I did. I had 2 burgers, I think.

Jordan North 0:14:53 Did ya?

William Hanson 0:14:53 Yes, contrary to the edict of 1 sausage, 1 burger, 1 corn on the cob. Jack, how many did you have?

Jack 0:15:00 I definitely had at least 2.

Jordan North 0:15:01 Oh, good.

Jack 0:15:02 The burgers were great, and the sausages actually were incredible.

Jordan North 0:15:05 Thank you. They were proper. Is he?

Speaker F 0:15:08 Fish and chips. No burger, no chicken.

Jordan North 0:15:10 What about the food? About the food? It was a joke, Izzy. Just sit there and laugh, love. She's funny. You were on fine form. You were on fine form. Did you see at the end where it turned into a disco, or did you leave by then? Well, I've seen—

William Hanson 0:15:29 I had left by then, but I've seen clips.

Jordan North 0:15:31 Yeah, yeah. But it was—

William Hanson 0:15:33 Apparently there was a point where the big light very much went on for people to go.

Jordan North 0:15:37 Yeah, I was done. You'd hit your limit. like old me when we first started out, you would have all been around till 2, 3 in the morning. But, um, putting the big light on and playing It's Time to Say Goodbye, they really got the hint.

William Hanson 0:15:52 That'll do it.

Jordan North 0:15:53 Which was, which was great. But it was good. I noticed you, you weren't, um, you're a bit like those children that don't like noise and stuff.

William Hanson 0:16:00 I absolutely do not like noise.

Jordan North 0:16:02 When we were playing beer pong.

William Hanson 0:16:03 No, I had to remove myself from the building.

Jordan North 0:16:05 It was good because it started off beer pong, it started off Pretty civil because the 2 teams were gays versus straights, which in the media industry in London is pretty much split down the middle, weren't it?

William Hanson 0:16:16 I think it was more heavily weighted one side than the other.

Jordan North 0:16:18 I actually think it was. At one point someone said to me, I experimented in uni, what team can I go on? I was like, you decide.

William Hanson 0:16:24 Did Ben say that?

Jordan North 0:16:25 I was like, you decide. Um, so that was fine. And then we had Team Sexted versus Team Capital. Oh, oh, it kicked off. At one point, Ben and producer Callum were effing and jeffing each other, finger pointing. I'll fucking cat you and all this. Fuck off, you shit bastard, and all that. Ben was getting proper, I'll fucking have you and all that. But, um, I was referee, which was a lot of pressure because I decided I can't choose because—

William Hanson 0:16:54 No, you were putting yourself—

Jordan North 0:16:56 Both my children. And Capital Breakfast won.

William Hanson 0:17:01 They did?

Jordan North 0:17:02 Yeah. Yeah. Which was— we'll get on to that.

William Hanson 0:17:04 But they look like a sort of people that are more used to playing beer pong. Can I say that?

Jordan North 0:17:09 Yeah, you can say that. But I noticed you went off.

William Hanson 0:17:12 Yeah, I went and sat upstairs. I couldn't do with the noise. A group of us went and just secreted ourselves on your sofa upstairs.

Jordan North 0:17:18 But it was good, and it was great to have you all around.

William Hanson 0:17:20 Well, thank you for having us. It was lovely. And I would like to apologise before you bring it up, because no one's perfect, especially after literally in last week's episode, off the back of talking about Post and redirecting post when you move. And I said, well, of course I would always send things to you at your new address. I sent the flowers to your old flat. Oh! Which is only around the corner, to be fair. It's not like it was miles away.

Jordan North 0:17:43 Yeah, it wasn't a flat, it was a house. But anyway.

William Hanson 0:17:46 It was a flat. It wasn't the whole building. That's called a flat.

Jordan North 0:17:49 It was 2 floors.

William Hanson 0:17:50 It's still called a flat.

Jordan North 0:17:52 Well, I disagree. But anyway, we got them.

William Hanson 0:17:54 Okay.

Jordan North 0:17:54 Thank you.

William Hanson 0:17:55 We'll consult the Land Registry.

Jordan North 0:17:56 Lovely, lovely flowers. Thank you.

William Hanson 0:17:58 That's a pleasure.

Jordan North 0:17:59 Did you try any of the buzz balls that were going around?

William Hanson 0:18:04 If I'm completely honest, I was made to as I was leaving. I mimed drinking it.

Jordan North 0:18:09 Good.

William Hanson 0:18:10 Yeah.

Jordan North 0:18:10 I would've been annoyed at the time, but it turns out— so, buzz balls, there was a big massive one, and everyone was just drinking from it. Will Manning's got a really bad infection. We don't know if it's mumps. We don't know if it's— it's happened, so we're all a bit worried we might get it. It's not like an STI or anything, but yeah. So, there's something going on there.

William Hanson 0:18:30 Yeah, no, there was not a hope in hell I was going to be drinking from a buzz bowl.

Jordan North 0:18:33 It was brilliant.

William Hanson 0:18:34 I mean, I've done it on this podcast before, a few months ago, but a big giant communal one? Absolutely not.

Jordan North 0:18:38 But it was good. It was great to have you around. It was lovely.

William Hanson 0:18:42 It was an interesting approach to hosting when you say, come round for 2:30, you've all got to go by 8:30, but food only comes out at 6:10. Well, admittedly, that was mainly because— Were you all hungry?

Jordan North 0:18:55 No. Well, to be fair, the food was meant to— I was meant to start up. The food weren't that delayed, right?

William Hanson 0:19:01 Oh, we were meant to be.

Jordan North 0:19:02 Yeah, so the food, I was gonna put it on at 4, but then by the time everyone arrived, I was like, right, I'm gonna give it another half hour. I put the food on at half 4. It would have been done for half 5, but because of the gas, it was an extra half an hour, 40 minutes. So I think half 5 would have been fine, but everyone was starving.

William Hanson 0:19:18 I did find myself, and I do apologise, Being a bit passive-aggressive, because I had, you know, you— I arrived, you gave me a drink. I think it was champagne or something. Had a few glasses of that, and then I was being offered more drink by various of the guests, and I kept going around going, when I eat, I'll have more. When I eat, I'll have more. And I checked myself.

Jordan North 0:19:37 I told you I was not hungry. I told you all not to— No, no, no, I wasn't hungry.

William Hanson 0:19:40 And there were chips and dips, and your friend brought that lovely sort of aubergine-like dippy thing with bread, which is lovely. No, so there was stuff to eat, but I did find myself thinking, God, I'm being really passive-aggressive. So I apologise for that.

Jordan North 0:19:52 That's just you, babe. Don't worry.

William Hanson 0:19:54 I know. Well, that's just my default setting. Can we talk about Ben's granddad shirt that he was in? Wasn't he in a granddad shirt?

Jordan North 0:19:59 Can't remember. I know he had—

William Hanson 0:20:01 Sort of a short sleeve and chequered. I know he had— Quite a retro collar.

Jordan North 0:20:05 He had jorts, white socks, and the slip-on shoes on. What are they called?

William Hanson 0:20:10 Crocs? No.

Jordan North 0:20:12 Not brogues. What are the shoes called? Loafer. Yeah.

William Hanson 0:20:16 He did have a lovely loafer, actually.

Jordan North 0:20:17 A loafer on, didn't he? Yeah.

William Hanson 0:20:19 Yeah. And I brought my cucumber.

Jordan North 0:20:20 You did, yes.

William Hanson 0:20:22 You are the only person to have my cucumber. I've only grown one, but the others are maturing.

Jordan North 0:20:28 William brought his cucumber that we added to the salad.

William Hanson 0:20:30 Yep.

Jordan North 0:20:30 I think.

William Hanson 0:20:31 We did.

Jordan North 0:20:31 Oh, did we actually add it to the salad?

William Hanson 0:20:32 Well, we chopped it up and then you could self-add it.

Jordan North 0:20:34 Oh, okay.

William Hanson 0:20:35 I didn't want to add to the salad.

Jordan North 0:20:37 I forgot about you. It was a very impressive cucumber.

William Hanson 0:20:39 Thank you very much. I can't believe you grew that. We all passed it round. There's photos of most people with my cucumber.

Jordan North 0:20:45 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:20:46 I'm sure we'll put them on the carousel.

Jordan North 0:20:47 It was good. Ben was the last to go, you know.

William Hanson 0:20:49 Of course he was.

Jordan North 0:20:50 And then he thought someone had robbed his camera.

William Hanson 0:20:52 What's happened to your microwave? What was the text you sent in the group? Oh yes, right.

Jordan North 0:20:57 So come on. Right. Who's—

William Hanson 0:21:01 How can you rob a microwave?

Jordan North 0:21:02 So someone's robbed me microwave. You just reminded me, right?

William Hanson 0:21:05 How can you rob a microwave? Well, you tell me.

Jordan North 0:21:07 I know it's— 'Cause the breakfast lot are swearing, it's not them. So I get up, I get up on Sunday morning, didn't notice. Then Sunday afternoon, 'cause there's loads of jacket potatoes left over. There was enough food, weren't there? There was loads of food. There was loads of jacket potatoes left over. I thought, oh, I'll have a jacket potato, I'll go and warm it up. Went to go and warm it up, microwave's not there. So whoever's took it, you're not funny. Or if you've hid it, Izzy, I know it's you, so just tell me now 'cause it's been out nearly a week.

William Hanson 0:21:32 Have you genuinely hid the microwave? Where have you hid it?

Jordan North 0:21:34 I know it's an Izzy thing to do 'cause at first I thought it was Chris Stark. I'd be like, that's him all over. And he— and they've not said anything about it.

William Hanson 0:21:42 Have you not properly looked in your house for the microwave?

Jordan North 0:21:45 I've looked everywhere. So where have you hid it? Or where have you— because Jake swears that you didn't have it, you got in a taxi with Jake. Where have you hid it? You're not funny. I want— I want to know. I want— I'm— I knew it were you. I knew it were you. It's such an easy thing to do.

William Hanson 0:22:02 Can you tell me later? I won't tell him. Yeah. Yeah, okay, hilarious.

Jordan North 0:22:06 I knew it was you. Have you hid it or— I didn't take it. Right, so you've hid it.

William Hanson 0:22:11 So it's in the property still?

Jordan North 0:22:12 It's such an Izzy thing. I knew it would've been her that's hid me fucking microwave. It's wound me up all week.

William Hanson 0:22:18 Have you checked eBay?

Jordan North 0:22:19 I've tried to put beans in air fryer. It looks like something from Dexter. Fucking everywhere. Honestly.

William Hanson 0:22:27 She's amused herself.

Jordan North 0:22:28 I know, she's amused. I knew it would be you, you shithouse. Fair play, a part of me respects it. It's such a Burnley thing to do that as well. I should have known it were you. I hid your mic away. What am I like? Anyway, so that was the barbecue. That was that. What else been going on? What do you want to— what do you want to discuss this afternoon?

William Hanson 0:22:45 What do I want to discuss? Well, I've got something to ask you.

Jordan North 0:22:47 I've got something to ask you, but go on. Oh. Yeah, you first.

William Hanson 0:22:51 Oh no, I don't like it when you've got something to ask me and I don't know what it is. But I think mine's probably more exciting than yours. Go on. It depends on your definition of exciting. So we did sort of slightly— you actually annoyingly brought this up on a Friday episode a few weeks ago, but I wasn't ready to ask you, but I am going to ask you now. You know, next year I have got my first novel coming out, A Fatal Forking, available to preorder now. Yes. Please, could you do a jacket quote for it?

Jordan North 0:23:22 Oh, I'd be honoured.

William Hanson 0:23:24 Thank you.

Jordan North 0:23:25 Do you really want me? You don't want little old me to do your jacket quote.

William Hanson 0:23:28 Yeah, don't start being all humble. I'm asking you.

Jordan North 0:23:31 No, I don't want you to do it because you feel like you have to. You could get some Big, big people to do that. You don't— I don't— you don't have to ask me to do that.

William Hanson 0:23:39 I'm asking you now. I've run it past my publisher. Eventually they said yes. Would you like to do it?

Jordan North 0:23:45 Oh, that would be an honour!

William Hanson 0:23:46 I will have a copy for you to read next month.

Jordan North 0:23:50 Okay.

William Hanson 0:23:50 And we probably need it by the end of the year.

Jordan North 0:23:52 Oh, okay. Yeah, that's fine.

William Hanson 0:23:54 Yeah.

Jordan North 0:23:54 Oh, plenty of time.

William Hanson 0:23:56 Thank you.

Jordan North 0:23:56 Aww!

William Hanson 0:23:57 I know you've already done a jacket quote.

Jordan North 0:23:59 Aww, thanks!

William Hanson 0:24:00 Pleasure. I was also very humbled at your barbecue because in your sitting room, when I was upstairs just sheltering from beer pong, on your bookshelf is both The Bluffer's Guide to Etiquette and The Bluffer's Guide to Entertaining and our Sexed book.

Jordan North 0:24:13 Yeah, and your other book as well.

William Hanson 0:24:15 Oh, was Just Good Manners there? Yeah, Just Good Manners is up there as well.

Jordan North 0:24:18 I've got all your books on show.

William Hanson 0:24:19 Not Protocol to Manage Relationships today, but that's an academic textbook.

Jordan North 0:24:24 I've always got your books on show. And I've got all your books in spare rooms.

William Hanson 0:24:29 Ruth. Thank you. Good.

Jordan North 0:24:31 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:24:32 Well, you can have a Fatal Fourking next year and you can—

Jordan North 0:24:34 Oh, I'd be honoured.

William Hanson 0:24:35 You can show your quote. Well, thank you very much. I know what I'll say. We haven't read it yet.

Jordan North 0:24:39 You might want to wallop the author.

William Hanson 0:24:41 Oh, shut up. That's what you said for book 2.

Jordan North 0:24:43 But you'll learn a lot from this.

William Hanson 0:24:45 Yes. I actually think you said—

Jordan North 0:24:47 Punch.

William Hanson 0:24:48 Punch, and we had to change it to wallop because we felt punch was a little bit aggressive.

Jordan North 0:24:52 Well, that's very sweet of you. I'd love to.

William Hanson 0:24:54 Great. Lovely. Have you endorsed fiction before on a jacket? No.

Jordan North 0:24:59 But this is— this, you having a book—

William Hanson 0:25:02 A novel.

Jordan North 0:25:03 A novel. Yeah. Has given me an idea for something. And I'm just—

William Hanson 0:25:08 Is this a question of 11 or eve?

Jordan North 0:25:09 No, I've just— I've just, um, I've got an idea. Stop looking at my notes! You know why? You never—

William Hanson 0:25:15 I'm trying to work out what it is.

Jordan North 0:25:16 You never look at my notes.

William Hanson 0:25:17 You've also written today in quite a sizable handwriting.

Jordan North 0:25:21 Well, no other pens. Um, I've just With your novel and me being a big reader, a lot of GND-ers always DMing me, I've had an idea, but just— okay, just watch this space. That's all I'm gonna say. Which space? This space. We'll have an announcement soon. Got a really exciting idea for us. Oh, it's gonna be good.

William Hanson 0:25:38 Okay. Yeah, evil tease.

Jordan North 0:25:40 I know, I'm good at that.

William Hanson 0:25:43 Oh no, Jordan's miming something with his teeth. It's my tongue, actually. Teeth and tongue.

Jordan North 0:25:49 Just quickly, um, The— and this is, this is, forgive us, this is a bit London-centric, but the, the, the, the train you get home on, what do you refer to it as? What?

William Hanson 0:26:02 His Majesty's Elizabeth Line.

Jordan North 0:26:03 Right, I thought so. Where are you? Yeah. I'm sorry, because I can just imagine people in Manchester going, no, I don't give a fucking shit about your thing, which is fair enough. Where are you with people calling it the Lizzy Line?

William Hanson 0:26:15 Well, I don't like it.

Jordan North 0:26:15 Okay. I just, I, I, it's just, they're referring to it now on certain news outlets as the Lizzy Line. What? Yes, I just wanted to bring this to your attention.

William Hanson 0:26:24 On commercial news outlets, I assume?

Jordan North 0:26:26 Commercial, but I'm pretty sure I've heard it on the BBC as well.

William Hanson 0:26:29 Well.

Jordan North 0:26:29 Don't quote me on that, but I've heard it on radio. I've seen it on the telly as well.

William Hanson 0:26:33 Broken Britain.

Jordan North 0:26:34 Where are you with the term Lizzy Line? Would you ever call it the Lizzy Line?

William Hanson 0:26:38 No.

Jordan North 0:26:38 What is it?

William Hanson 0:26:39 His Majesty's Elizabeth Line.

Jordan North 0:26:40 Well, no, it's Her Majesty's.

William Hanson 0:26:43 But it's part of His Majesty's Transport for London.

Jordan North 0:26:45 So just call it the Elizabeth Line.

William Hanson 0:26:48 The Elizabeth Line is fine if you want to drop the prefix.

Jordan North 0:26:51 But have you ever called it the Lizzy Line?

William Hanson 0:26:52 Maybe once, ironically.

Jordan North 0:26:54 Okay.

William Hanson 0:26:55 But no, I hate it. I don't— it was named after the late Queen Elizabeth.

Jordan North 0:26:59 That's what I thought.

William Hanson 0:26:59 Yeah.

Jordan North 0:27:00 But a lot of people in London call it the Lizzy Line.

William Hanson 0:27:03 Sometimes if I'm being like Hyacinth, I'll call it the Elizabeth Line, which is a reference to her next-door neighbour. But it's still the Elizabeth line in full. Okay.

Jordan North 0:27:12 Funnily enough, after the barbecue, I put an episode of Keeping Up Appearances on.

William Hanson 0:27:15 Aww. Why didn't you put one on during the barbecue? I could have sort of— we could have snuggled on the sofa and watched it.

Jordan North 0:27:20 Easy to watch. So watch the one where—

William Hanson 0:27:22 Which one?

Jordan North 0:27:23 Where Richard retired and needed a hobby with the camera.

William Hanson 0:27:26 Yes. I've warned him against watching Channel 4.

Jordan North 0:27:29 Yeah, it's a great line. Yeah.

William Hanson 0:27:31 Can I also just at this point, because we did on a Friday episode recently, one of the questions in Quickfire Etiquette was, how do you address the First Sealord? And actually, I didn't have the answer off the top of my head. Obviously, I went away and researched it. Do you know what? It was actually quite fascinating. I did actually say to Jack when he reminded me, I was like, I think it's going to be a really boring answer. Do you know what? It's not. So, before we go on to the proper etymology—

Jordan North 0:27:55 Well, surely this should be your etymology.

William Hanson 0:27:56 Well, what—

Jordan North 0:28:00 Just fine, fine.

William Hanson 0:28:01 Tell you what, we'll have the jingle, we'll go to the break, and I'll then do this. And if you think it's good enough, we'll just stick, and I'll save what I've also done for the etymology for another week. Great.

Jordan North 0:28:10 Okay, let's do that.

Jordan North 0:31:41 Weird how at 36 I've still got my Year 9 sense of humour.

William Hanson 0:32:10 Year 9?

Jordan North 0:32:11 Yeah, it's all blowjobs and fingy jokes then, weren't it?

William Hanson 0:32:16 Not in Year 9. Yeah. Not in the independent sector.

Jordan North 0:32:19 So your Etymology on this week is what you've—

William Hanson 0:32:22 Well, it was going to be about sunglasses, but it's maybe not now.

Jordan North 0:32:24 Yeah, just do First Sea Lord.

William Hanson 0:32:26 So you don't actually call them First Sea Lord to their face. We should say the First Sea Lord is basically the head of the Navy. Okay. It's the chief of the top of the tree in the Navy, um, you use their rank. You don't call them First Sea Lord. Now, normally, that's easy because the head of the Royal Navy is always an admiral, admiral being the highest rank within the Navy. So, you would say Admiral, or more formally, Admiral so-and-so. But currently, there is a twist because the current First Sea Lord, Sir Gwyn Jenkins— presumably a little bit of Welsh in there—

Jordan North 0:33:00 I should imagine so, with a name like that.

William Hanson 0:33:02 Is the first— Ahoy there!

Jordan North 0:33:05 Whose coat is that jacket?

William Hanson 0:33:06 Is the first-ever Royal Marine in the job, and the Marines use army ranks. And so, he's not an admiral, he's a general, and he's the first-ever general to run the Navy.

Jordan North 0:33:19 That's fascinating. I'm going to tell my dad this. There we go. He's going to love this.

William Hanson 0:33:22 So, he's General Sir Gwynne Jenkins. And he's the first-ever general someone to hold the rank of general to run the navy.

Jordan North 0:33:30 Okay. See, that's really good. That's all you need for this.

William Hanson 0:33:33 It's not really— yeah, but it's not an etymology.

Jordan North 0:33:34 So, you don't say, uh, excuse me, sea lord. No. You say, excuse me, General—

William Hanson 0:33:39 Yeah.

Jordan North 0:33:39 Excuse me, General— General Sir Gwynne. General Sir Gwynne. You would say General Sir Gwynne.

William Hanson 0:33:46 Yeah.

Jordan North 0:33:47 Not General Gwynne.

William Hanson 0:33:48 No, because he's a sir, isn't he?

Jordan North 0:33:50 And if someone's sir, you don't call them by their surname. You call them sir. Liam, don't you?

William Hanson 0:33:55 In speech, yes. You would be Sir Jordan. And on an envelope or an invitation, you'd be Sir Jordan North. My God, can you imagine? But I mean, the way this country's going, I mean, give it a year. Sir Jordan— God, if you're Sir Jordan North before me, I'll— I mean, I'm not going to be Sir Jordan North.

Jordan North 0:34:11 For services to podcasting and broadcasting.

William Hanson 0:34:12 Oh my God, can you imagine?

Jordan North 0:34:14 You just know it. I'm never gonna be. For services to broadcast.

William Hanson 0:34:18 Okay, look, can I just say, can we come up with a pact? A bit like Tess and Claudia, and they both accepted their honours at the same time. Can we do that too? And they've got to be the same honour.

Jordan North 0:34:26 I'll shake your hand on that.

William Hanson 0:34:27 Unless it's for something completely separate.

Jordan North 0:34:28 No, you can't shake your hand on that.

William Hanson 0:34:30 Why?

Jordan North 0:34:30 'Cause what if I get it and you don't?

William Hanson 0:34:32 Well, you say no.

Jordan North 0:34:33 Okay.

William Hanson 0:34:35 Unless it's for something totally separate to podcasting. Like, you know, you've gone— you've climbed Mount Kilimanjaro naked.

Jordan North 0:34:42 If it's separate to podcasting?

William Hanson 0:34:43 Yeah.

Jordan North 0:34:43 Okay.

William Hanson 0:34:44 But if it's anything to do with podcasting, broadcasting—

Jordan North 0:34:46 But not audio in general? 'Cause don't forget radio.

William Hanson 0:34:49 You're not gonna get it for that. It's the bong game, not the gong game. Thank you very much. 3 people got that joke.

Jordan North 0:34:58 I don't think I got it, but anyway.

William Hanson 0:34:59 No, don't worry.

Jordan North 0:35:00 Okay, well, that's really— I'll tell my dad that. Good.

William Hanson 0:35:03 He might know it.

Jordan North 0:35:04 My brother's a paratrooper, and the Marines and the Paras are rivals because the Marines are usually attached to the Navy, aren't they?

William Hanson 0:35:11 Is that right?

Jordan North 0:35:12 Is that right?

William Hanson 0:35:12 Aren't we all?

Jordan North 0:35:13 And the Paras are like the Army. Is that right? There'll be loads saying—

William Hanson 0:35:17 Yeah, but I think the Marines use Army titles.

Jordan North 0:35:20 My dad and my brother's hate it when I try to be army and refer to him because they say I always get it wrong. I said in the WhatsApp group, I put Roger, and they were like— my dad was like, what the fuck's that? He told me to meet him somewhere just before a match recently, and he said, he's Roger that, you dick.

William Hanson 0:35:37 Oh, it's Roger that?

Jordan North 0:35:38 Roger that or something. And he went, who's Roger?

William Hanson 0:35:41 And did you Roger that?

Jordan North 0:35:42 But they, they can be at the bar. Yeah, this is quite impressive before I move on. And you can be at the bar and they do their little, little like army sign language, you know, like when you— it's a bit sad, but you know, when you're in— and they'll hate me saying this, you know, when they're out in the desert and you can't speak, so they go like— and it's like, what to do?

William Hanson 0:36:01 You're doing hand gestures.

Jordan North 0:36:01 That means like, slow, like get lost.

William Hanson 0:36:03 So, and they're at the bar?

Jordan North 0:36:04 Yeah, my brother—

William Hanson 0:36:06 But hang on, where, how is that? I mean, in the trenches, can I have another beer?

Jordan North 0:36:09 No, so we was at the pub after the Burnley game, it was busy, and my Dad went to my brother, said, Jack, my dad went— and Ryan went, go and help Dad. I went, how do you mean? And he went, ah, and that means on me. So I had to go. Anyway, should we go to the problems and dilemmas? Remember, if you need our help with something, then do get in touch. You can send your tales of trepidation to help@sexwithmyboss.com, or you can DM us. We're @sexwithmyboss on the socials. And remember, we are reading and hearing these for the first time, just like you guys as well, wherever you're watching.

William Hanson 0:36:41 This first one is from Kate. Hello, William Jordan, EPB, and the rest of the Sexed crew. My partner and I recently travelled to a birthday barbecue for his family, which was about a 3-hour drive from home. I offered to drive so that he could relax, enjoy the time with his family, and if he wanted to, have a few drinks without having to worry about the drive home. But it made me wonder whether there is actually an etiquette rule when it comes to deciding who should drive. For example, the same question could apply to going to a concert, a party, or really any outing one person has planned. Should the person who to make the plans generally be the one to drive, or is it more considerate for their partner to offer, particularly if the event is more for them and it means they can enjoy themselves? So my question is, what is the etiquette when deciding who should drive when one person has made the plans or has more of a connection to the event? Would love to hear your ruling. All the best from Canada, Kate.

Jordan North 0:37:26 I think he did the right thing there, 'cause it was his family. So you're like, you have a drink and I'll drive. And in Canada, big countries like that, you gotta drive everywhere, aren't you? I think in a relationship, you maybe take it in turns.

William Hanson 0:37:37 Yeah. Or like you— I took one for the team last time. So you do it this time.

Jordan North 0:37:42 Oh, it's not worse though, is it, than going to a party knowing you gotta drive? You can't enjoy it the same. It's shite. You dread it all day. Whereas usually you think, oh, I'm gonna have a good drink tonight.

William Hanson 0:37:50 I just think that's— I appreciate in recent years I have been making up for many years of absolutely not drinking, but—

Jordan North 0:37:58 You're telling me. Drinking soda or dry.

William Hanson 0:38:01 I would say if you're then going, oh, you can't get through an event without a drink, that's maybe borderline a sign that you've got a problem.

Jordan North 0:38:07 I disagree.

William Hanson 0:38:08 Okay. But no, just take it in turns.

Jordan North 0:38:11 It's like going to Wimbledon. You've got to, even if you don't like it, you've got to have Pimm's, haven't you?

William Hanson 0:38:15 Is it controversial to say, and this is actually, Mikey has started drinking again, so just, you know, from time to time. Is it controversial to say if you're in a relationship with someone who is teetotal and the other one drinks, whether they drink a lot or a little or a medium amount, The teetotal person basically, sorry to say, is going to be the designated driver.

Jordan North 0:38:38 I do think so. And you've got to make your peace with that. I think if you're teetotal in your relationship, you probably are going to be the driver. Same with friends and stuff as well.

William Hanson 0:38:47 Yeah. Yeah. The exception would be if it's maybe your— it's their birthday and you're driving, then obviously you say, look, you don't drive at all. Even though you're not drinking, it's your birthday, I'll drive. There are always exceptions. But I would say if you have chosen to not be a drinker, or you are just not a drinker, you basically are— you've got to make your peace with the fact that you are going to be the designated driver.

Jordan North 0:39:07 Set up a rota, but like, if it's, if it's your friends, then he should drive. If it's his friends, then you drive, maybe. Or get the train. But what— I don't know what the train system's like. Well, I do actually. I've seen Race Across the World. It's not that great in Canada.

William Hanson 0:39:20 I wouldn't say Race Across the World is probably indicative of the general train system in Canada.

Jordan North 0:39:24 You can just sit on a bus for 12 hours. What are you, a bread roll? Stale bread roll and a pack of Uno? Not for me.

William Hanson 0:39:30 This is from Anon. My wife and I have been together for 16 years. We're still very much in love and still enjoy each other's company. But— however, she's a very noisy eater and she makes me want to scream. I think I have the condition, whatever it's called. I know William will know because he's the brains of the show. Misophonia. I have mentioned it in the past and she gets in a mood with me. I've tried telling her so I can't help it, but it makes my piss boil. So for the last few years, I've just tried to block it out, but I feel that I'm getting more and more annoyed Again, I love this woman with all my heart, truly, madly, deeply, but I fear this is going to make me snap. How can I tell her without her being upset with me? Anon.

Jordan North 0:40:07 It sounds like you got mis— mis— what is it? Because I knew someone like that and they were a right dick. Because I thought, I'm just eating normally because I'm not really a loud eater.

William Hanson 0:40:17 I've never noticed. Thank you.

Jordan North 0:40:19 But they were like— You're gonna notice now.

William Hanson 0:40:22 Yeah, listen in next time you gobble. I'll be listening.

Jordan North 0:40:25 Sure. Great. Usually you're watching. But—

William Hanson 0:40:32 Looking down.

Jordan North 0:40:33 I think maybe you go and seek help for this. Because it, you can, if it's getting like this, we're at the point where you're dreading eating with them. No, I think you just have to say sure. I never know these loud meat eaters. Oh, I do. Do you?

William Hanson 0:40:46 Yeah. I don't struggle with it like this. I'm not a misophobe. But I would— yeah, I think you just have to say to your wife, it's a real issue. Maybe you say, look, I am going to try and get help, but in the meantime, I'm letting you know. Just as if you are afraid of spiders, you let your significant other, even your flatmate, whoever you live with, know that you are afraid of spiders, and they should be looking out for you if they see a spider.

Jordan North 0:41:14 Yeah, okay. Yeah, go and seek help. So, just say, Get help for it, and then you might have to have therapy and stuff because it'll start—

William Hanson 0:41:22 It's all about how you communicate.

Jordan North 0:41:24 Start chipping away at that, pal. Yeah.

Jack 0:41:28 How would you have this conversation with Mikey?

William Hanson 0:41:30 Well, Mikey is not a loud eater, but I might say, darling, are you aware that when you, when you eat, I can sometimes hear it? And actually, I think I've got misophonia. I'm gonna deal— I'm gonna get that sorted and go and see someone, but in the meantime, could I just ask you to Oh, you see— What you on about?

Jordan North 0:41:47 I fucking eat normally. Don't start today, please, my little flowerpot. Don't start today.

William Hanson 0:41:53 Do you think you're like—

Jordan North 0:41:54 I'm not doing too much. Not today. I'm, I'm not getting into— I've been on that bloody yard all day in this fucking heat, and I come home and you're on about chomping. Not today.

William Hanson 0:42:06 I think your Mikey impression might be how you would have sounded had you not moved to London.

Jordan North 0:42:11 That's not true.

William Hanson 0:42:12 I think it would have been.

Jordan North 0:42:13 By the way, I don't sound that different compared to 8 years ago.

William Hanson 0:42:19 Jack disagrees.

Jordan North 0:42:20 I don't— I, I—

Jack 0:42:22 Do you want us to get the clips up?

William Hanson 0:42:24 Do you know what we should do? Here's an idea. Here's an idea.

Jordan North 0:42:27 No, no, I've said it before, I'll say it again. I used to— I was heavily on the piss at the time for a good few years and smoked very harsh cigarettes. Hence why my voice sounded different.

William Hanson 0:42:40 Okay, we'll go— Okay, we'll maybe go from Series 2 or 3, not Series 1.

Jordan North 0:42:44 All right, deal.

William Hanson 0:42:44 But this is what we should do.

Jordan North 0:42:45 Deal.

William Hanson 0:42:46 I'm producing this segment. Get— Find some episodes from early on, write a couple of sentences that he says. We will get you now to say those sentences.

Jordan North 0:42:58 Great.

William Hanson 0:42:59 And then we will play how you said those sentences and compare and contrast. All right. Thank you.

Jack 0:43:04 We'll do that next week.

William Hanson 0:43:05 We'll do that next week.

Jordan North 0:43:06 Fine.

William Hanson 0:43:07 This is from Stacy. Hi, Sex Ed gang. My mum had a tradesman in to do some work around the house and politely offered him a drink. This somehow came up in conversation with my brother, who's an electrician, and he laughed, saying that offering tradesmen a drink is basically offering yourself up for a quickie.

Jordan North 0:43:21 What?! You're fucking news to me!

William Hanson 0:43:24 Now I think he's speaking shit, or maybe he's watched too much '80s bored housewife porn, but what are your thoughts? Is this a real issue? What is the etiquette for serving a beverage— you mean drink— to tradespeople without making them think I'm asking for extras. Stacy.

Jordan North 0:43:37 Right, well, her brother is a tradesman.

William Hanson 0:43:40 Well, Stacy's mum has got it going on.

Jordan North 0:43:42 Very good.

William Hanson 0:43:42 Thank you.

Jordan North 0:43:43 But that can't be true, 'cause that's the first thing you do.

William Hanson 0:43:46 No, that— I'm sorry, that is not—

Jordan North 0:43:48 That can't be true. That's not a thing. Is that a thing? No. Is that like in prison, if you wear your bandana in your right pocket, you wanna get bombed or something? Eh? And then if you wear it in your left pocket, it means you want to—

William Hanson 0:43:59 Who's got a bandana in prison?

Jordan North 0:44:01 Well, it's just that thing. I remember once— What a camp prison. I remember that. It is, isn't it? Like this little scarf.

William Hanson 0:44:07 There used to be a thing with earrings back in the day before it was made acceptable to, or made legal to be gay. If you had a— your—

Jordan North 0:44:15 Is that true?

William Hanson 0:44:16 I think it was back— it was a code. It was like Polari. It was a silent code to let other people know that you were gay. I think if it was your left ear, So, if I had this one pierced, it would be a sign that, you know.

Jordan North 0:44:28 Well, anyway.

William Hanson 0:44:29 Maybe I should look into this for an etymology.

Jordan North 0:44:31 I don't think so, because I always offer tradesmen tea and coffee and wagon wheels. At the moment—

William Hanson 0:44:40 Hello, do you fancy a chocolate finger?

Jordan North 0:44:43 At the moment, it's more soft drinks. I had a couple in recently to sort my shed out, but that was just Coke Zeros.

William Hanson 0:44:49 I got I do not think it's a thing.

Jordan North 0:44:52 And a club.

William Hanson 0:44:53 I mean, if you're standing there sort of naked offering them something, then—

Jordan North 0:44:57 Cooey.

William Hanson 0:44:57 Yeah.

Jordan North 0:44:58 I'll get you a drink or maybe something else you'd like. Someone's watching too much porn.

William Hanson 0:45:03 Yeah, I would say that your brother is completely wrong there. This is from Jayden. Do William Jordan and the rest of the—

Jordan North 0:45:10 If they're bent over with their arse showing, with their head in the—

William Hanson 0:45:13 Head in the—

Jordan North 0:45:14 Sink or in the washing machine. They're probably offering it.

William Hanson 0:45:19 This is from Jayden. Dear William Jordan and the rest of the Sex Ed team, all rude mechanicals for Shakespeare fans. Oh, very good. Midsummer Night's Dream reference.

Jordan North 0:45:27 So how— what is that? What Shakespeare called his fans like Gene Devers?

William Hanson 0:45:31 No, I think— no, he's calling this lot the rude mechanicals.

Jordan North 0:45:35 Okay.

William Hanson 0:45:35 Anyway, it was the— no, I won't explain it. The group of the people that went into the forest that then fell asleep. And there is a character in Shakespeare called Bottom. Bottom was one of the rude mechanicals. He became— he was then— Oberon and Titania made him into a donkey. I believe I've got that right. And Puck.

Jordan North 0:45:56 I've told you before, I'll tell you, I did Of Mice and Men for GCSE.

William Hanson 0:46:00 Steinbeck's quite good.

Jordan North 0:46:01 We didn't do much— don't be patronising.

William Hanson 0:46:02 What?

Jordan North 0:46:03 So we didn't do much Shakespeare. Right.

William Hanson 0:46:05 Did you not do any Shakespeare? I thought it's on the curriculum.

Jordan North 0:46:08 I did Macbeth, but for GCSE. Pretty sure I was only in like set 3 or something.

William Hanson 0:46:14 Talking of the Scottish play, I accidentally said muck backstage at Titan Eat one day. I thought they were all going to kill me.

Jordan North 0:46:20 Oh yeah, yeah.

William Hanson 0:46:21 I know, I didn't realise it was actually a thing.

Jordan North 0:46:23 Don't you have to go outside then?

William Hanson 0:46:24 Well, you can't do that. Not at the Criterion. I got some very stern looks.

Jordan North 0:46:29 What did you do then?

William Hanson 0:46:30 I just went, sorry.

Jordan North 0:46:31 No, don't you have to go outside and like throw salt over your shoulder or something?

William Hanson 0:46:35 But I can't do— like, you can't do that mid-show.

Jordan North 0:46:38 What, you said it on stage?

William Hanson 0:46:39 No, I said it in the wings. Because we— anyway, long story as to why. We always play games backstage. There's a whiteboard and blah blah blah. And I was like, oh, da da da da. And they went—

Jordan North 0:46:49 Yeah, you don't mention the Scottish play. Anyway.

William Hanson 0:46:53 Anyway, back to Jayden's letter. I'm 13 years old and quite often wear a tie, but being 13 and therefore slightly shorter than an adult, I can never get the tie the right length. So my question is, do I have my tie hang just below my belt to keep it even, Or have it perfectly above the vest, but tuck the thin part into my shirt? Thanks for such a great podcast. Jayden, a loyal G&Eva and Buckethead. I would say—

Jordan North 0:47:16 Jayden, bless you. I think— are you old enough to listen to the podcast at 13?

William Hanson 0:47:19 Probably not.

Jordan North 0:47:20 But I mean, I used to watch and listen to all sorts when I was that age, but—

William Hanson 0:47:23 Made you the man you are.

Jordan North 0:47:24 It did. What a lovely, lovely letter. And it's a great one.

William Hanson 0:47:27 Yeah, you would, regardless of your height or the length of tie, the tie should stop where the trousers start. Obviously, where the trousers start depends on whether they're cut for braces or if they're cut for a belt, etc. You don't want it sort of Donald Trump-esque hanging in front of your crotch. You don't want it like a sort of an in-betweener— there's a reference— halfway across your chest. You do want it to stop where your trousers start. So, if the sort of the back of the tie, as it were, is too long, I would tuck it into your shirt.

Jordan North 0:47:52 Could you snip your tie?

William Hanson 0:47:53 Oh, no.

Jordan North 0:47:54 No?

William Hanson 0:47:55 I mean, if it was a cheap tie and you didn't care about it, but I probably wouldn't.

Jordan North 0:47:58 I disagree. So, it's very fashionable at the moment to have like ties— it's very Harry Styles, Jacob Elordi. Ties.

William Hanson 0:48:05 It's incorrect.

Jordan North 0:48:06 Tucked in with a shirt. Ties with jeans.

William Hanson 0:48:09 Yeah, but okay, Jayden's probably not wearing a tie with jeans.

Jordan North 0:48:12 I'm just saying it's quite fashionable to have a long tie at the moment. I did recently, and it looked pretty cool.

William Hanson 0:48:17 For what?

Jordan North 0:48:18 A wedding. Just thought, I'm gonna let that flop out a bit. And I did.

William Hanson 0:48:25 Right. Well, Jayden, I'm gonna go out on a hunch and say you're probably more like me than Jordan. I would tuck the long part of the tie. And Jayden, if it makes you feel any better, I went to a wedding yesterday. Yes, I know, a midweek wedding. Lovely. And I would— my tie was too long, and I tucked it in behind my shirt because I couldn't really be bothered to retie it.

Jordan North 0:48:45 Did I tell you my shout wipes came to the rescue at that wedding? The bride got red wine spilled over.

William Hanson 0:48:50 Did she?

Jordan North 0:48:52 Yeah. And honestly, the amount of people that have come up to me since— 2, but like, because everyone was like, they were all there with those tissues.

William Hanson 0:48:59 I was in one of your cupboards trying to find a wine glass at the party, and there was a box of shout wipes. Not just a box, numerous boxes of shower wipes.

Jordan North 0:49:07 Yeah, I've had them everywhere. Spilled. I've even used one this morning. I had 2 in my pocket and everyone was using those Tipp-Ex pens. And then I got the shower wipes. Got it. I can't recommend them enough. They are very good. They're that good, they got red wine out of a wedding dress.

William Hanson 0:49:20 Good.

Jordan North 0:49:23 And they're not paying me. They're not.

William Hanson 0:49:24 Our final dilemma is from Josh. Bonjour, William and Jordan. Big fan of your show. I have an etiquette dilemma when it comes to handshakes. I've been brought up to believe that a firm, strong handshake is appropriate, especially if it's with the father-in-law. What do you do if the recipient's handshake in return feels like he's holding a gentle flower? With no grip, no squeeze, just a gentle touch. Writing about this gives me the heebie-jeebies, or as I think you'd refer to it, an ick. What do I do?! Love to hear your thoughts on handshake etiquette. Cheers, boys.

Jordan North 0:49:51 We've talked a lot about handshakes in the past. No, I'm a firm believer in a good grip on a handshake.

William Hanson 0:49:56 Yes. Now, Jordan and I are actually breaking 2 etiquette for the par here.

Jordan North 0:49:59 Yeah, because you're not meant to do it over a table.

William Hanson 0:50:01 Or sitting down.

Jordan North 0:50:01 Or sitting down, which I— Again, I have learnt that. I would never—

William Hanson 0:50:08 No, but we're doing it for demonstration purposes. Yeah, yeah.

Jordan North 0:50:10 I always got told— I don't know, no offence, and I don't know if it's— I always got told Catholics have weak handshakes. I know, I know. It's probably—

William Hanson 0:50:19 Wow, okay.

Jordan North 0:50:20 I'm pretty sure it's come from my late grandma.

William Hanson 0:50:23 Do you know what? I'm still waiting to hear back, but I'll write an addendum to follow up. I'll ask His Holiness.

Jordan North 0:50:28 His Holiness. I always heard— oh, is it off a Peter Kay sketch?

William Hanson 0:50:32 Right. Probably.

Jordan North 0:50:33 There's something there where I— shake me hand. Catholics have weak hands. I don't know if it's like a slur on the Catholic community. I'm really sorry if it is and if it's something to do with anything bad, but I always got told so growing up. When I— even now, when I shake someone's hand, I'll go, are you Catholic? Well, I won't ask them, but I'll think it. So if, if someone shakes your hand and they're weak, uh, Josh, they might be Catholic.

William Hanson 0:51:01 I'm just saying nothing. You are—

Jordan North 0:51:02 If we have any Catholicisms— Catholics in the studio here, again, I am not— I, I, you know me, I'm— I don't— are you Catholic, Izzy? I didn't—

William Hanson 0:51:12 I didn't—

Jordan North 0:51:14 I'm not. Is she Catholic?

William Hanson 0:51:20 If she is, she's lapsed.

Jordan North 0:51:24 For the record, she's our friend. She's laughing. She's laughing. Okay.

William Hanson 0:51:29 She can decide if that gets cut.

Jordan North 0:51:31 But yeah, um, but no, I always believe a firm handshake. And if someone has a weak handshake, don't judge them. Could be their religion.

William Hanson 0:51:39 Right.

Jordan North 0:51:41 Your thoughts?

William Hanson 0:51:42 My thoughts. Funnily enough, they're slightly different.

Jordan North 0:51:45 I'm really sorry if that's a slur, by the way. I didn't mean it like that if you're Catholic.

William Hanson 0:51:48 You want a firm but not too firm handshake because you don't want to be overly aggressive. The analogy I would give in my etiquette classes is imagine you're going into the fruit bowl in the summer to pick out a peach or a nectarine. Okay? Do you eat peaches and nectarines? Soft stone fruit.

Jordan North 0:52:05 Is this the analogy you do?

William Hanson 0:52:07 Listen, I haven't finished it yet. You go and you give your nectarine a bit of a squeeze to see if it is ripe enough to eat. If you squeeze it too hard and it's very ripe, you're going to mess up the fruit. If you don't squeeze it hard enough, you don't know if it's ripe enough.

Jordan North 0:52:21 Could this be used if you were tossing someone off as well?

William Hanson 0:52:25 Well, no, because some people like a firm grip.

Jordan North 0:52:26 Okay.

William Hanson 0:52:27 And like all that. So, you give it a firm but not too firm grip. That is how strong the handshake should be. And you should make sure that your thumb and index finger are pointing sort of diagonally towards the floor so that you actually make sure that the web in between your thumb and your index finger, which is technically called your perlicue, actually grip one another. So, not grab the fingers, to actually grip the hand itself. So, point your fingers diagonally towards the floor to ensure that you do actually shake hands, and give a firm shake whilst maintaining eye contact.

Jordan North 0:52:56 Okay.

William Hanson 0:52:57 If you meet someone that has a limp handshake, there isn't an awful lot you can do. You can't tell them it's a limp handshake. You've just got to go along with it.

Jordan North 0:53:05 I'm going to do that, because I still prefer a proper handshake to the bro shake. Oh, I can't stand the bro shake. Have you ever done a bro shake if someone does it?

William Hanson 0:53:11 Yes, people do it to me, and I'm like, what are you doing? I go, what midlife crisis are you having?

Jordan North 0:53:16 They do it in footy now with a ref. When they go past the ref, when you shake the ref's hand, they go like that.

William Hanson 0:53:21 No. Yes. And it's when it's people that are like 40 years old doing it, and you're like, that is so tragic. Yeah, I've seen my dad do it actually.

Jordan North 0:53:27 He's got 2 mentions, Greyball, today. Seen him do it in pub. I'm like, that's not you. Greyball doing bro shake.

William Hanson 0:53:34 Yeah, it's a bit limp. We think you've just come from mass.

Jordan North 0:53:36 Thank you for your questions and dilemmas today. As always, remember you can listen to new episodes every Tuesday and Friday and 24 hours before anywhere else on Global Player. If you want to get in touch about something that isn't a dilemma or a problem, drop into our DMs or send us an email to help@sexwithmyboss.com. We also love hearing back from the people that we offer advice to. So if that's you, get back in touch, and we will see you on Friday.

William Hanson 0:53:59 Goodbye.

Jordan North 0:54:00 Bye-bye.