Help I’ve Grown A Moustache | And I Found Dad’s Secret Account…

Jordan 0:01:37 Hello and welcome to Help! I Sexted My Boss, the podcast where we help you navigate the challenges of modern life. Answering your 21st century questions and finding solutions to those everyday dilemmas, like what should you do when your favourite game has gone woke? Or how do you move on from the childhood trauma of accidentally seeing someone's beast? And of course, what should you do if you've accidentally sexted your boss? But we're not usual agony aunts, are we, William Hanson, the UK's leading etiquette expert?

William 0:02:14 No, we're not, Jordan North, Capital Breakfast Show host. I'm more top-of-the-range Miele, you're more Secondhand off eBay.

Jordan 0:02:22 Nothing wrong with that.

William 0:02:22 And that's from Rebecca after my Miele pronunciation correction.

Jordan 0:02:26 What was that?

William 0:02:27 I do think it should— I can't remember what I said it was or what people said it was, but having just Googled it, it's Miele, not Miele. So, but anyway, we've said it Miele to make that work, Rebecca. Apologies if I've got it wrong again or offended someone. Life's too short.

Jordan 0:02:40 Okay.

William 0:02:41 Yeah. I never thought I'd say that.

Jordan 0:02:42 That's all right, my love. Just when you're wrong, which is quite a lot, just—

William 0:02:45 I can't— yeah, but I can't now remember if I was wrong or they were wrong, etc., so I'm not going to— God, good God, how much ice have we got?

Jordan 0:02:52 Loads there.

William 0:02:52 This'll see us out.

Jordan 0:02:53 Go on, put us a couple in. I've just bought that t-shirt you're wearing, that polo top today.

William 0:02:58 You— hang on. You've bought this?

Jordan 0:03:00 Yeah. Literally bought it last week. Oh

William 0:03:03 my god, we must coordinate, because if you've now got the same clothes as me, this is— it's inevitably going to happen where you at some point probably come in dressed as me.

Jordan 0:03:10 Probably.

William 0:03:12 And I can't— I can't be dressed as you.

Jordan 0:03:14 Alright, how much ice have you—

William 0:03:15 You just said put— You're not happy, are you? Anyway, how are you?

Jordan 0:03:20 I'm good, yeah.

William 0:03:21 We'll get on to talking about the elephant in the room in a minute.

Jordan 0:03:23 What elephant in the room? I have no idea what you're talking about.

William 0:03:26 Jordan is stroking his upper lip where there is something— seems to be a bit of food or something stuck to it.

Jordan 0:03:33 So, the 'tache is 'taching at the moment. Oh, no! And the thing is—

William 0:03:37 That is such an ick.

Jordan 0:03:38 It was getting mixed reactions a couple of weeks ago when I grew the moustache out, but right now, Well,

William 0:03:43 to be fair, I didn't actually realise last week you were growing a moustache because your beard was quite

Jordan 0:03:46 thick.

William 0:03:46 It was quite hard to distinguish moustache versus beard.

Jordan 0:03:48 But right now the tash is tashing, and it's, it's really awkward because I'm turning heads. Izzy's like all of a sudden fancying me, and like usually I'm a walking ick to Izzy. Now she's like, oh, stop looking at me. Oh my God, if you was in a bar in Clapham, I'd totally think you're Australian. I'd be like, smash. So, um, Am I right, Iz?

Speaker E 0:04:09 Yeah.

Jordan 0:04:10 Ben's fuming because he's like, yeah, it looks good, but 3 years ago when I had a tash, you took the piss out of me constantly. I was like—

William 0:04:17 Ben was ahead of the curve, wasn't he?

Jordan 0:04:18 He was. Um, so yeah, I just, I like it. I think it's my new summer thing. Natasha's tashing. Hey, old tickler. For many of our GND-ers listening right now, I'll just give you an example of how Natasha's

William 0:04:31 tashing. That is disgusting.

Speaker F 0:04:34 That is the Low point of this podcast so far.

Jordan 0:04:37 Um, but yeah,

William 0:04:38 could you say hi guys please? People don't like—

Speaker F 0:04:40 Hi guys.

William 0:04:40 Thank you.

Jordan 0:04:40 Say hi guys.

Speaker F 0:04:41 Hi guys.

Jordan 0:04:43 Hi Ben, what did you say?

William 0:04:47 We'll listen this time.

Speaker F 0:04:47 That is the low point of the podcast so far.

Jordan 0:04:50 Apparently I didn't know this, you've got to keep your tash clean, especially after the weekend I've had. Um, cheers, glad you laughed. Um,

Speaker F 0:05:03 He's going red again. He's so red. Look, he's blending in. He's blending into the set.

Jordan 0:05:10 Who is?

William 0:05:11 You.

Jordan 0:05:12 You. So

Speaker F 0:05:13 you can hear it in your voice as well.

Jordan 0:05:15 So I've just been informed by our chairman of motor student that you can get like a tash cleanser type thing, but I'm happy with it.

William 0:05:26 Lovely.

Jordan 0:05:26 You should grow one.

William 0:05:28 Absolutely not. Before we continue moustache chat, let's just do a toast, because I really need a drink after all this discussion. This week's toast goes to Wendy, not your mother, via her friend Abby, who said, I was hoping this could be read out on the podcast to shout out Wendy, who introduced me to Sexted. We are both big fans, and it's just one example of the many ways in which she has helped make my life brighter. She will never know how important she is to me, but I'm so grateful to her for not only introducing me to you both, but for everything she does. I know one of her favourite moments from the podcast is William telling Jordan about his engagement. It was so special to watch. Your podcast provides an escape and brings so much comfort to so many people. Thank you. Yours sincerely, Abby. Well, Wendy and Abby, this is to you.

Jordan 0:06:07 To you, Wendy and Abby.

William 0:06:08 Thank you for listening.

Jordan 0:06:09 That was a lovely moment, the engagement one. That was before we were bitter and twisted by the industry, weren't it?

William 0:06:14 I'm— speak for yourself. I'm not bitter and twisted.

Jordan 0:06:17 I'm not. It's the happiest I've ever been. Genuinely. You're good? In my life, yeah.

William 0:06:21 Good. Well, that's lovely. No, I can't grow a moustache. Back to moustache chat. I can't grow a moustache 'cause I have laser hair. So it would be very difficult for me to do it. It would just be a little wisp.

Jordan 0:06:30 I am thinking of keeping it through to September, but it is just a summer thing.

William 0:06:36 Okay, so only like 2 weeks to go.

Jordan 0:06:38 Getting mixed reaction on the WhatsApp group. Wendy's like, I told you, Dad, in '80s, '90s, I didn't like it then. I certainly don't like it now.

William 0:06:45 It is a bit retro.

Jordan 0:06:46 And my dad went, I knew this would happen when he moved to London. Shall it be an handlebar one next?

William 0:06:52 Oh yes, you with the— on a penny farthing. That would be fun.

Jordan 0:06:55 No, handlebar moustaches.

Speaker F 0:06:57 Harley-Davidson.

William 0:06:58 True.

Speaker F 0:06:59 Or, or a Vespa in Jordan's.

William 0:07:01 Yes, how is the Vespa? Have we got it yet?

Jordan 0:07:03 Don't get me started. 36 years old and I'm being told that I'm not one.

William 0:07:07 You're not one?

Jordan 0:07:08 I'm not allowed one.

William 0:07:09 Oh, you're not allowed one.

Jordan 0:07:10 And yeah.

William 0:07:11 Well, you're your own man.

Jordan 0:07:12 Everyone at Capital has been like, please don't get a Vespa.

William 0:07:15 It is—

Jordan 0:07:16 You're too— the clause, you're too wonky as a person to go on a moped every day.

William 0:07:21 wonky as a person.

Jordan 0:07:22 I think Jimmy said, I'd just worry about you all the time, you know, the producer. Yes. So, uh, but yeah, I've got this, I got this. And then the next midlife crisis will be the Vespa.

William 0:07:32 Right, that's September's midlife crisis, is it?

Jordan 0:07:35 Yeah, that'll be September's midlife crisis.

William 0:07:37 But where would you park— I was thinking this— where would you park your Vespa?

Jordan 0:07:40 Outside my house.

William 0:07:41 Oh really? Just change it to the railings? Yeah. Oh no.

Jordan 0:07:44 Hey, um, how was Disney? So you've just got back from a week away at Disneyland, and tell everyone that you went to surprise your niece and nephew, but I didn't realise that then you had 4 or 5 days on your own in Disney, just you and I.

William 0:07:55 No, no, no, no, no, no, we didn't.

Jordan 0:07:57 Oh

William 0:07:57 no, we had 2 nights just in Paris, Paris, Paris, central Paris, ourselves, just Mikey and me. Then we went to Disney and met— on the day we arrived at Disney, Annie and Henry, my niece and— well, Mikey's niece and nephew, but my niece and nephew, were already in France driving home, thinking they were driving home, but actually What is that? Oh, it's Disney. We're gonna go to Disney, kids. So, they're already surprised. And then they walk into the Disneyland Hotel where we were staying, and Mikey and I were in reception.

Jordan 0:08:26 And what was their reaction?

William 0:08:27 They loved it.

Speaker F 0:08:27 The energy just went out of the room as they saw William and Mikey.

William 0:08:31 They both ran to us.

Jordan 0:08:32 I bet they thought, oh Christ, it's gonna be all about these 2 now and not us. Oh, you didn't like that one?

William 0:08:48 They loved it. They thought it was great. Their first time going to Disney, and it was very nice because I was last there— well, I was last there 2 years ago, but I, at their age, went to Disney Paris and was very lucky to be taken there.

Jordan 0:08:58 Ah.

William 0:08:58 So all the memories I had from 2000 or whatever it was, I sort of could relive with them. So it was very cute. And I mean, we did slightly fail. Have you done any Disneys?

Jordan 0:09:10 Did the one in Florida.

William 0:09:10 Yes, of course. You did, yeah, when you were doing a TV thing. When I was 21?

Jordan 0:09:14 Yeah.

William 0:09:14 No, weren't you doing a TV thing?

Jordan 0:09:16 Oh yeah, I did that as well. Yeah. We went for Wish Upon a Star when I was 21.

William 0:09:20 Wish what?

Jordan 0:09:21 Wish Upon a Star.

William 0:09:22 The Make-A-Wish Foundation?

Jordan 0:09:23 No, yeah, Wish Upon a Star. When You Wish Upon a Star is another— there's Make-A-Wish and When You Wish Upon— it was—

William 0:09:28 So why were you there?

Jordan 0:09:29 'Cause it was Bradley's wish when he finished his—

William 0:09:32 Oh, right.

Jordan 0:09:33 Finished his chemotherapy.

William 0:09:34 Of course, yes, okay. And that was the American one?

Jordan 0:09:37 Yeah.

William 0:09:38 Okay, well, I mean, they're similar. There are distinct differences, but—

Jordan 0:09:42 He said it. What's your wish? I want to go to Disneyland. And Wendy was like, he is one of 4 brothers, and they'll be wanting to come as well. We will fly economy.

William 0:09:53 And was it LA or Florida you went to?

Jordan 0:09:57 Florida.

William 0:09:58 Florida, right. Okay. Anyway, Henry is only 4. And had not done any of it. And we probably pitched the rides wrong to begin with, 'cause we started with what used to be called Snow White's Scary Adventure. It's now just rebranded Snow White.

Jordan 0:10:13 Oh, okay.

William 0:10:14 But it's still quite a scary adventure. So he was mildly traumatised after that.

Jordan 0:10:19 Oh.

William 0:10:19 'Cause it's in the dark, you meet the witch, the Evil Queen. Oh. Wood, tree, crocodiles jump out at you. I mean, it's fun. It's relatively tame. It's not the rollercoaster.

Jordan 0:10:28 Did he not like it?

William 0:10:28 Didn't love that. Then Annie, his sister, wanted to go and see the dragon, which is underneath the castle. It's a massive animatronic dragon that breathes fire in very low light. Again, he was traumatised after that.

Jordan 0:10:39 Christ, this poor child.

William 0:10:41 Yeah. So then after that, we broke glass and did It's a Small World, and he quite liked that, although was still like, is this dark? Is this a dark ride? Is this a dark ride? It's not. So that was fine. Meanwhile, Annie, the next day we go to the new Disney Adventure World, which is the sort of the second park, which has got the Frozen Land and everything in, which is Amazing. And she said, I want to do Crush's Coaster. Now, if I say to you Crush's Coaster is a Finding Nemo ride, what are you picturing? Finding Nemo. Fun Disney Pixar film. Gentle. No. It doesn't quite go upside down, but you basically go on your side, spinning around in the dark in a tortoise shell, 4 of you back to back. Woo! Like, it's intense, because it's meant to recreate the tide. What's the current? The current.

Jordan 0:11:27 Oh, interesting.

William 0:11:27 The Australian— Yeah, whatever that is. It's in the film. And it's predominantly in the dark. The first bit she absolutely loved.

Speaker F 0:11:34 The EAC.

William 0:11:36 EAC, the East Australian Current.

Jordan 0:11:38 Is that where Finding Nemo's based?

William 0:11:41 In Australia? In

Speaker F 0:11:41 Australia. Yeah, in Sydney.

Jordan 0:11:42 Never knew that. I've seen it loads.

Speaker F 0:11:44 It's a big part of it, because he has to remember the address, doesn't he? Yes. It's Sydney Bay.

William 0:11:48 Anyway, we do that. She comes off it. Again, she's traumatised. She's nearly 7. The next day, she then surprises us and says she wants to do Crush's Coaster again. We're like, really? But you were shaking when you came off that. No, I want to do it again. Okay, and we thought, well, maybe she's processed it overnight, and she thought, actually, it's only because I didn't know what was happening, but actually I quite liked it. And I appreciate roller coasters are not for everyone. So we do it again. More traumatised. So she didn't— she— that was a mistake. But she's fine. But other than that, we had a lovely time. Tales of Magic, the castle show, it's got a Mary Poppins bit in it. It's the first time I've seen Mary Poppins in the castle show. You can imagine what I was like.

Jordan 0:12:29 You cried.

Speaker E 0:12:30 Yeah.

William 0:12:32 You should take Austin and Seb. Now, how old are Austin and Seb now?

Jordan 0:12:35 Oh, hang on a second. 13 and 10.

William 0:12:40 Okay. Maybe there's stuff there. You should take them. That is what Uncle Jordan should do. Austin and Cecilia.

Jordan 0:12:47 My brother can take 'em.

William 0:12:49 They're his kids. We'll go as a family.

Jordan 0:12:51 Who am I? Uncle Buck.

William 0:12:53 Uncle what?

Jordan 0:12:54 Doesn't matter. Okay.

William 0:12:56 Yeah, you should go.

Jordan 0:12:56 I would love to. We've always said we wanna do it.

William 0:12:58 And go now.

Jordan 0:12:59 Don't forget I've got other nieces and nephews.

William 0:13:02 Yeah, but how old are they?

Jordan 0:13:03 Well, young.

William 0:13:04 Yeah, far too young.

Jordan 0:13:04 Under 5.

William 0:13:05 Yeah, I would wait for them to be at least—

Jordan 0:13:07 Oh, okay.

William 0:13:08 Maybe Henry maybe should have been a year older. I don't know, but go. You should.

Jordan 0:13:13 My girlfriend, when they come to stay, they cost me a fortune in football stickers. And I'm bloody— How much were a drink at one of these parks?

William 0:13:21 What, alcohol? Do you know, I hardly had any alcohol because you're high on the endorphins of Big Thunder Mountain.

Jordan 0:13:28 Good.

William 0:13:29 And that's all you need. I'd love to see you with some Minnie Mouse ears.

Jordan 0:13:32 Who, me? I'll have a picture though. I'll get you— I'll try and find one for Carousel of me in Disneyland in

William 0:13:38 2000. Oh yeah, with the Make-A-Wish Foundation or whatever it was. Wish Upon a Star.

Jordan 0:13:43 2011, I went.

William 0:13:44 That's nice.

Jordan 0:13:45 I've told the story loads of times. My dad nearly got us thrown out.

William 0:13:48 Yes, because he, he nearly attacked Goofy or something, didn't he?

Jordan 0:13:50 No, Goofy came in, you know, we were in restaurant and we were all crammed and jet-lagged, and characters just come in, everyone loses their shit. And Goofy come up to me dad and he was like—

William 0:14:01 Jordan's miming.

Jordan 0:14:02 Waving at him. Yeah, my dad just went, fuck off, Goofy.

William 0:14:05 I don't think you swear at—

Jordan 0:14:08 Goofy stayed in character, to his credit, went like out, he's

William 0:14:11 What do you mean goofy

Jordan 0:14:12 state? Covered his ears with his big white hands. You know, they have the gloves on.

William 0:14:16 With 4 fingers.

Jordan 0:14:17 And yeah, so we got told off. But other than that, we were on our best behaviour. We loved it. It was the best holiday we've ever been on.

William 0:14:23 It's the happiest place on

Jordan 0:14:24 Earth.

William 0:14:25 Yeah. It's very good and immaculately clean. Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker F 0:14:28 I got rejected by Jafar when I was there. He refused my signature.

William 0:14:31 God, even the villains don't want Jafar.

Jordan 0:14:33 He refused to what?

Speaker F 0:14:34 He refused my signature and then he went over to somebody else.

William 0:14:37 Hang on, your signature? What, you were trying to give him your signature?

Jordan 0:14:39 You're trying to get his autograph?

Speaker F 0:14:40 No, I wanted to get his autograph.

Jordan 0:14:42 Oh, how old were you?

Speaker F 0:14:43 Like, what, 17?

Jordan 0:14:47 How old were you?

Speaker F 0:14:48 I don't know, like 12 maybe?

Jordan 0:14:49 Oh no, that's probably why. That's explained a lot.

Speaker F 0:14:52 I've not been able to watch Aladdin since.

Jordan 0:14:53 He's not in Aladdin.

Speaker F 0:14:56 Is he not?

William 0:14:57 What?

Jordan 0:14:58 Jafar is— Is he in Lion King, innit?

William 0:14:58 No, Jafar is the villain in Aladdin.

Speaker F 0:15:01 Yeah, that one.

Jordan 0:15:02 Oh, I'm thinking of Scar.

William 0:15:03 Scar. Scar Jafar.

Speaker F 0:15:05 Definitely Jafar that scarred me.

Jordan 0:15:06 Favourite Disney, uh, villain?

William 0:15:08 Oh, Maleficent.

Jordan 0:15:09 Oh, okay.

William 0:15:10 Yours?

Jordan 0:15:11 Hmm. Well, my favourite Disney film is probably Toy Story. I'd say Sid. He's always good. But then—

William 0:15:22 Oh, Sid's not a proper villain.

Jordan 0:15:24 Proper villain. I'd go for— oh, the Beast in Beauty and the Beast.

William 0:15:29 Not a villain! Yeah,

Jordan 0:15:31 he is.

William 0:15:32 Not a villain!

Jordan 0:15:32 He's well nasty.

William 0:15:33 Absolutely not. What? No, he's a bit grumpy to begin with, but he is absolutely not a villain.

Jordan 0:15:39 He locks that old man in the

William 0:15:41 little

Jordan 0:15:41 cupboard thing.

William 0:15:42 Admittedly, that's beastly behaviour, yes. But that's not— he's not a villain. The villain in Beauty and the Beast is Gaston.

Jordan 0:15:46 No, he's just a bit of a knob. He's not a villain.

William 0:15:50 Right, okay. Can we do Jordan North/William Hanson's poll? Who is the villain in Beauty and the Beast? Gaston or Beast? Please, can we vote?

Jordan 0:15:58 Gaston's not a villain. He's just a bit of a dick.

William 0:15:59 Go to our Instagram to vote, please.

Jordan 0:16:02 All right, what else?

William 0:16:03 Ursula from Little Mermaid. Jafar from Aladdin.

Jordan 0:16:07 Keep going.

William 0:16:07 Lady Tremaine, the stepmom in Cinderella.

Jordan 0:16:11 Lady Tremaine, the wicked stepmom. I played her in the Year 6 play.

William 0:16:16 Yeah.

Jordan 0:16:17 I did.

William 0:16:18 Well, she's called Lady Tremaine, but she is the Evil Queen in Snow White.

Jordan 0:16:24 She's pretty evil.

William 0:16:25 I forget the thing in Pinocchio, the sort of the foxy thing, the sly fox. Izzy says horrible. Scar in thingy.

Jordan 0:16:35 Keep going.

Speaker F 0:16:38 I think it's gotta be Scar.

William 0:16:39 Hades in Hercules.

Jordan 0:16:41 He was a knob.

William 0:16:41 Yeah, but they were all pretty, you know—

Jordan 0:16:44 Who else? What's—

Speaker F 0:16:46 who's he? Bruce in Finding Nemo.

William 0:16:48 The shark voiced by— voiced by—

Jordan 0:16:49 Yeah, but he counts as a guy.

William 0:16:51 Who's voiced Bruce in Finding Nemo? One of my favourite comedians, now dead. Don't say Patricia Routledge.

Jordan 0:16:58 Oh, was it Barry Humphries? Correct.

William 0:17:00 Oh.

Speaker F 0:17:00 Yeah.

Jordan 0:17:01 Really? Yes. I didn't know that. Quick, I need to— who's my favourite baddie? No, it's gonna bug me.

Speaker F 0:17:06 Here's Bruce.

William 0:17:08 Well, the fact you— I mean, you can't—

Jordan 0:17:11 Yeah, I've not really thought about it. No.

William 0:17:13 Well, come back to us when you remember who was head of school in your— in your— at school.

Speaker F 0:17:20 Head girl.

William 0:17:20 Head girl, that was it.

Jordan 0:17:21 That still bugs me. I think it was Jay Parotsak. But I'm not sure. Jade's

William 0:17:26 got my

Jordan 0:17:26 rucksack. No, it's bugging me.

Speaker F 0:17:29 That's not head girl behaviour.

Jordan 0:17:30 And it— I've asked my mates, I went, who were head girl in our year at school? No one can remember. Hey, uh, moving on. Now I say this with a heavy heart.

William 0:17:40 Oh God.

Jordan 0:17:41 And I don't know if you've noticed, but I've had a few DMs. Um, you know the Help I Sexed My Boss book?

William 0:17:46 Yes.

Jordan 0:17:46 Yeah, I've had a screenshot. I need to find it because I thought I'd find it for the episode. Somebody sent me a DM, and I've had a few. They're turning up in charity bins, which is— it was always going to happen.

William 0:17:57 I mean, that is what happens with books, and I'd rather it would go to a, uh, a good cause.

Jordan 0:18:01 Yeah, it's not as bad. Do you remember years ago where you weren't allowed to send Fifty Shades of Grey anymore?

William 0:18:06 Well, no, but yeah.

Jordan 0:18:08 So they're turning up in charity bins. The, the one that I got sent recently,

William 0:18:13 yeah,

Jordan 0:18:13 hurt the most because this was a signed copy.

William 0:18:15 Oh, I think I saw that. Yeah.

Jordan 0:18:17 So We, you know, spent days signing those books.

William 0:18:21 It was the one that we had done for Stuart, which was a bit harsh.

Jordan 0:18:24 So we signed a lot of these books, and now I always thought, well, someone will keep that forever. I would if it was a signed book.

William 0:18:30 By the way, it's the ego on this.

Jordan 0:18:31 By the way, I always keep my books, whether a paperback novel, even if I weren't that into it, I keep it. I like to put it on my display. I have had a clear out in the past, don't get me wrong. Some books that—

William 0:18:42 Well, then you don't keep your books.

Jordan 0:18:43 You know, like, they— I've got like the Gary— Gary— the Gavin and Steve annual. Show

William 0:18:50 I've got that.

Jordan 0:18:51 Gavin and Stacey Annual 2008. Right. No good to anyone. So you put that to be recycled. But I thought if we'd signed it, the etiquette would be to keep it.

William 0:19:01 Okay.

Jordan 0:19:02 But someone's obviously thought, well, I don't want that. But we signed it. A signed copy of a book that we both wrote.

William 0:19:08 Well, I would— I mean, that's showbiz.

Jordan 0:19:12 It was only going for 2 quid. You put an extra quid on for a signature, surely.

William 0:19:15 Well, maybe they had.

Jordan 0:19:16 Oh God, that's depressing. But yeah, I'm just letting you know that they're popping up. Help I Sexed My Boss, the book. It's popping up in charity bins as well.

William 0:19:23 Well, I'm sure it's still available in paperback from any reputable bookshop or selected charity shops.

Jordan 0:19:27 Yeah, there you go. So I just wanted to—

Speaker F 0:19:29 My copy of Billy Piper's autobiography, I kept that because it was signed. It was— that would've been in the bin, but I was like, I don't wanna get rid of that.

William 0:19:36 Yeah, but did you keep that 'cause you wanted to?

Jordan 0:19:38 Sorry, why have you got a copy of Billy Piper's autobiography?

Speaker F 0:19:42 A signed copy of Billy Piper's autobiography.

Jordan 0:19:44 A signed copy.

William 0:19:44 Did you get my joke?

Speaker F 0:19:46 I get that that was probably a Billy Piper sausage.

William 0:19:48 But 'cause you want to. 'Cause you want to.

Speaker F 0:19:50 I loved Doctor Who.

William 0:19:51 Oh, you liked her from Doctor Who?

Speaker F 0:19:53 Rose. Is that what she was called?

Jordan 0:19:55 Yes. Did you ever watch Secret Diary of a Call Girl? I bet you did.

Speaker F 0:19:58 I didn't.

Jordan 0:19:59 Oh. Hattie used to watch that all the time when we used to live with her. Yeah. She was a call girl.

William 0:20:04 Billy Piper's character, not Hattie.

Jordan 0:20:06 Pardon? Yeah, Hattie wasn't. No. God, no, my housemate wasn't. She'll kill me. My, um—

William 0:20:13 Billy Piper's character, based off a very popular book.

Jordan 0:20:15 Yeah.

William 0:20:16 Okay. Yeah, I believe so. I think it was a dramatisation.

Jordan 0:20:19 Good for you. I don't think I've got any signed books.

William 0:20:21 Any? You've got mine.

Jordan 0:20:23 Oh yeah, I've got yours. Apart from yours.

William 0:20:25 Unless that's gone to the charity shop.

Speaker F 0:20:26 Yeah, you put that in the charity shop, didn't you?

Jordan 0:20:28 Oh no, I do. I've got Chris Tarrant's. Lovely. And there's another one I've got. I had him in as a guest, and I got him to sign it.

William 0:20:40 Anyway. Hmm. What else has been going on with you?

Jordan 0:20:43 Just a quick one. I've got an idea for you. And I think it's an epidemic at the moment. Okay. For one of your new TikTok etiquette videos.

William 0:20:51 Fine, great. We always need ideas.

Jordan 0:20:53 Because I think you're scraping the barrel with a recent coffee one.

William 0:20:55 Oh, at least you watched.

Jordan 0:20:57 I mean, how to cool the coffee down. Kinnell. Duh. It's been a quiet month for you. I know you've had a lot going on. I genuinely thought you were gonna say, put a little bit of cold water in, and you went, just wait until it cools. Fucking hell. What's going on here? You laughed at that one. Who set that one off?

William 0:21:16 Well, I did. It was my— it was my own idea. Oh yeah.

Jordan 0:21:19 But babe, you had all sorts going on. You were doing 2 shows a day at some point.

Speaker F 0:21:23 What's the etiquette of letting paint dry?

Jordan 0:21:26 I know, watch it or like this video. Um, can you, by the way, put cold water into a coffee? That's what I do sometimes. Oh yeah, you can do. Yeah, why don't you say that?

William 0:21:36 Well, that— well, okay,

Jordan 0:21:37 anyway,

William 0:21:38 well, I'll do a video on that.

Jordan 0:21:39 One of your videos. And I genuinely think this is epidemic at the moment, and I don't know if it's because I'm, I'm getting older or what have you, and I think we need to You know, remember when I called out— like, it's gonna be another Jordan, right? You remember when I called out cold beers at barbecues and stuff like that? And this needs to—

William 0:21:52 Hashtag call it out.

Jordan 0:21:53 Hashtag call it out. People, right, need to chill with their aftershave. As someone who—

William 0:22:00 I've already done how many squirts?

Jordan 0:22:02 Oh, have you?

William 0:22:03 Yes.

Jordan 0:22:03 Oh, okay. Well, I just think at the moment— and everyone's wearing the same sandal rip-off one, like, you know, the sandalwood or whatever it's called, or the cheap santal 33, Labobo, whatever it's called.

William 0:22:17 The Labo.

Jordan 0:22:18 Yeah, so I think we're all going a bit too strong on our aftershave. A couple of squirts, that's all you need.

William 0:22:24 The Labo, sorry.

Jordan 0:22:25 The Labo. So what are you saying? I do one, one— I— this is how I do

William 0:22:30 it.

Jordan 0:22:30 Yeah, one on each side of the neck, one in the middle, one on your wrist.

William 0:22:33 Just one wrist?

Jordan 0:22:35 Yeah, don't rub them together as well because that separates it, but just one.

William 0:22:41 I do too. I go, that's it.

Jordan 0:22:43 Oh dear, that's fine.

William 0:22:44 2 squirts and I'm done.

Jordan 0:22:45 But I— some people just go—

William 0:22:48 No, no, no.

Jordan 0:22:54 They get on and smell like a tart sandbag. I don't care if you can't say that these days. It's just too strong. It's too much.

William 0:22:59 I would say you can maybe get away with 3 squirts in the evening when it's— But for professional environments or daytime, 2 is absolutely fine. It does— I mean, it sort of does depend on the strength of the scent, because some are stronger than others. Some last for 24 hours, others are gone within an hour, but generally 2 is a good rule of thumb.

Jordan 0:23:18 And if it's a perfume and an eau de toilette, a parfum—

William 0:23:21 Parfum.

Jordan 0:23:22 Parfum's going to be—

William 0:23:23 Parfum.

Jordan 0:23:23 Parfum's going to be stronger.

William 0:23:24 Parfum.

Jordan 0:23:25 And eau de toilette—

William 0:23:26 Eau de toilette.

Jordan 0:23:27 You can have a few more.

William 0:23:28 Yeah.

Jordan 0:23:29 So, just everyone go a bit easy on it. That's all I'm saying.

William 0:23:32 Okay.

Jordan 0:23:33 So, we'll all agree and then just do a—

William 0:23:34 Less is more.

Jordan 0:23:35 Less is more.

William 0:23:36 Less is more.

Jordan 0:23:37 Less is more.

William 0:23:37 Nothing should— it's like makeup in general or any sort of accessory. It shouldn't distract from you. We want to notice you. rather than your scent.

Jordan 0:23:45 Also, can I just say, whilst I'm on my rant, and I've said this and I'm happy to be quoted on this, I now with the moustache know what it's like to be a woman with big breasts.

William 0:23:56 I'm sorry?

Jordan 0:23:57 And you're doing it and everyone's doing it. Eye contact. Don't look at the tash.

William 0:24:01 It is quite distracting.

Jordan 0:24:03 Look at the eyes, right? It's the same with women with big boobs. Do you know who you do? You go, excuse me, I know I'm looking— I know I've got a sexy moustache, and yes, it's in for summer 2026, Just touch it. I know you wanna.

William 0:24:16 I don't wanna touch it. I'm not into moustaches.

Jordan 0:24:18 I know you wanna. Just touch it. Go on and give it a

William 0:24:22 good— Oh, oh, oh no.

Jordan 0:24:24 Give it a proper— don't flick it. Just give it a proper stroke.

William 0:24:27 Stroke it. Stroke it. It's so icky!

Jordan 0:24:30 Do it properly.

William 0:24:32 Just do it with both hands.

Jordan 0:24:33 Don't impress me. Go on.

William 0:24:36 Well, what do you want me to say?

Speaker F 0:24:39 You've gotta stroke it up and down, not just down.

Jordan 0:24:42 Does it feel better?

William 0:24:43 Can we wait until the end?

Jordan 0:24:44 You've scratched that itch now, because I can tell you've been eyeing it up all show.

William 0:24:48 Do you know what you do— who you do look like? Going back to our Disney chat, in the film Inside Out, the dad in Inside Out.

Jordan 0:24:54 A lot of people have said that.

William 0:24:55 Yeah, yeah, you look like that.

Jordan 0:24:57 I went out the other day and I actually had a red hat on, and it was told to me that I look like a Mario brother.

William 0:25:02 Yes,

Jordan 0:25:03 yeah,

William 0:25:04 like Mario or Luigi.

Jordan 0:25:05 Luigi, it's me, I'm Mario! Right. Is it a Jolly Joke of the Week?

William 0:25:12 No.

Jordan 0:25:12 Is it an Etiquette—

William 0:25:14 It's Etiquetteymology.

Jordan 0:25:15 And what is it this week?

William 0:25:16 I have actually prepared one this week.

Jordan 0:25:18 What is it this week?

William 0:25:18 This week it's, why do we in Britain have pudding and then cheese, whereas in other countries like France, they have cheese and then pudding?

Jordan 0:25:27 Oh, that would actually be quite fascinating.

William 0:28:14 Cue the jingle!

Speaker G 0:28:19 It's William, William, the Etiquette Geek. His knowledge, knowledge, quite unique. He'll give your manners, manners, a subtle tweak. It's time for William's Etiquettey-Mettiquettey-Monology of the Week. Cha-cha-cha, cha-cha-cha, cha-cha-cha, cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha.

William 0:28:37 Okay, GNDers, we're talking about cheese before or after pudding. Do you have a preference if you're doing a little soirée? Do you ever— do you even serve cheese full stop?

Jordan 0:28:45 I, uh, yeah, I'll have cheese. I can't have both.

William 0:28:50 Oh, interesting.

Jordan 0:28:51 See, it's one or the other. If I'm in a cheese mood. But I do like a port salut.

William 0:28:57 I know you like a port salut.

Jordan 0:28:59 I'm really into my mozzarella at the moment. It's a nice summer cheese, mozzarella, innit? With some tomatoes, a bit of olive oil.

William 0:29:04 But yeah, but that would be as a first course rather than sort of post-dinner. Yeah, that's true.

Jordan 0:29:08 But you can't go wrong with a cheddar. I know, I've still said it. I'll say it again.

William 0:29:13 A Dairy Leaf slice. Don't serve a cheddar or a gruyère slice.

Jordan 0:29:15 A Dairy Leaf— serve me a Dairy Leaf slice on a cracker with a bit of ham.

William 0:29:19 I said this a few months ago now, but I am quite into Babybels, but not post-dinner. This is just as a bit of a snack.

Jordan 0:29:25 Have you ever had a cheese drink?

William 0:29:26 Oh, when I was like 4.

Jordan 0:29:28 Did you have them when you were younger?

William 0:29:29 Once, and then we realised they were processed and we went back to Robuchon.

Speaker F 0:29:34 Anyway. It's just boiled cheese though. It's like, it's like boiled.

Jordan 0:29:37 Yeah, what's boiled cheese?

Speaker F 0:29:39 Those things. Babybels. Babybels.

Jordan 0:29:42 You can't boil cheese.

William 0:29:44 Yes,

Speaker F 0:29:44 you can.

William 0:29:45 You can. Boil anything. Boil you if you're lucky.

Jordan 0:29:47 Do you mean boiled cheese?

Speaker F 0:29:49 You know how you get boiling water?

Jordan 0:29:51 Yeah.

Speaker F 0:29:51 Put something in it like an egg and it boils it.

Jordan 0:29:54 Yeah, I'm gonna fucking swing for him one of these days.

William 0:29:59 Ben's sarky explanation.

Jordan 0:30:01 Come on. See, everyone thinks I'm the bad guy. Off camera, this— and Mike, this is what people are like with me. Genuinely.

Speaker F 0:30:08 Such a hard life, isn't it? I'll tell you what's good with cheese on a cheeseboard: dangerous chilli jam.

William 0:30:13 Oh, okay. Well, anyway, should we go back to the etymology?

Jordan 0:30:17 Yes, get the matchstick, Siddy.

William 0:30:19 So, in many parts of Europe, cheese is served at formal dinners before a pudding or the dessert course, whatever you want to call it, which ends the meal. However, in the UK, we do pudding and then we do cheese. But why is this? Well, it began in the 19th century when dinners began to be served in separate courses rather than sort of all at once, or sort of all at once, which we had before. And this is where the divergence occurs. Now, in Europe, cheese followed the savoury main courses, cleaning the palate for sweet desserts or puddings served with sweet wine, whereas in the UK, French wines were either illegal or heavily taxed for much of the 18th or 19th century. Now, port, which came from Portugal, was not taxed and was seen as patriotic. So, port was served at the end of a meal, as it was too heavy for puddings. Port and cheese, as we know, go very nicely together.

Jordan 0:31:07 Oh, it's the best.

William 0:31:08 And were often served when the ladies had left the table after the pudding course. And this is why cheese was most often served at the end, because it paired well with port, and port was not heavily taxed or illegal. So, there we go.

Jordan 0:31:21 Great.

Speaker F 0:31:22 So, that makes cheese as the sort of final bit of a meal completely sexist then.

William 0:31:27 Slightly, yes, because women wouldn't have enjoyed the cheese traditionally.

Speaker F 0:31:31 Well, the men of the village weren't offered the cheese.

William 0:31:32 Because they— yeah, well, they would have retired to, you know, the sitting room to talk about kittens or something.

Jordan 0:31:36 And the men would have smoked cigars. Oh, I do— I want a bit of port and cheese now. I'm gonna have some cheese and crackers when I get in after this. I usually do for my bliss hour. Have a lot of cheese and crackers.

William 0:31:47 Pull on that cheese string.

Speaker F 0:31:48 Which cracker?

Jordan 0:31:50 Just a wafer-thin white one. What are they called?

William 0:31:56 Jordan sitting there playing with his wafer-thin white one.

Jordan 0:31:59 That's what they call William now these days. Oh yeah, Jake, no, it's, uh, just the M&S Circle brand almonds. They're called like water wafer-thin—

William 0:32:11 Water biscuits.

Speaker F 0:32:11 Water biscuits. Yeah, I used to eat them just plain.

Jordan 0:32:13 Is he all right today? Like,

William 0:32:17 can't wait for the film.

Jordan 0:32:18 Has Cat been away this weekend? Yeah, you can tell you've not spoke to anyone all week. Bless you.

William 0:32:24 Should we go on to the questions and dilemmas? Don't be mean to

Jordan 0:32:27 Ben. I'm not! He's being very funny today. I'm not being mean. Sorry, Ben.

William 0:32:35 Oh, he's crying.

Jordan 0:32:36 Sorry, Ben. He's eating a banana.

William 0:32:38 Very suggestively.

Jordan 0:32:40 During a recording, which I don't think is very professional. Right, come on. Questions and dilemmas.

William 0:32:44 Talking of professional, I'm the only one in long trousers today in the studio. Have you noticed? I'm glad I'm taking it seriously.

Jordan 0:32:49 Yeah, but it's the summer. Now it's time for your questions and dilemmas. Remember, if you need our help with something, then do get in touch. You can send your tales of trepidation to help@sexandmyboss.com, or you can DM us. We're @sexandmyboss.com on the old socials.

William 0:33:01 We're just @sexandmyboss, actually.

Jordan 0:33:03 Oh, are

William 0:33:03 we? On the socials, yeah.

Jordan 0:33:05 Oh yeah, we're just @sexandmyboss, whatever.

William 0:33:07 Right, we have no idea what's coming up. And our first dilemma is from anonymous. Hi, William, Jordan, and Ben. I'm getting really sick of people asking me when I'm having babies. I got married last year and we've been trying ever since with no luck so far, which is upsetting enough. The last thing I need is Margaret from work going, so when are you going to have a baby? Or my mother-in-law asking, when am I getting grandkids? I even bumped into people I haven't seen in years, and somehow they feel the need to ask me about it. What should I say in response when I really want to say is, fuck off, Peggy? Thanks so much in advance. I can't wait to hear your words of wisdom. Anonymous.

Jordan 0:33:38 It's a, it's a very old-fashioned— because I used to say this, and I would never ever say it now because I've got friends that are going through it and stuff that are trying to conceive. And it is heartbreak. It's one of the worst questions you can ask someone who's trying for a baby, genuinely. And also say anonymous is they probably don't know. They're not doing it to be spiteful or horrible, but just, I don't think nowadays you should ask somebody when they're gonna have a baby.

William 0:34:05 You shouldn't have done it back in the day, but now you absolutely should.

Jordan 0:34:09 It's a very northern one. When am I getting grandkids? Or have you been trying? Or are you gonna— are you Another one is apparently that I asked recently and I didn't realise is, are you gonna have another? Should never ask that.

William 0:34:20 No.

Jordan 0:34:21 Why?

William 0:34:22 No, you absolutely shouldn't ask that.

Jordan 0:34:22 Well, I just thought, will you have another? And they went, yeah, maybe. But apparently you're not meant to ask that.

William 0:34:27 When, when mother-in-laws or mothers say, oh, when am I having grandkids? Why are you making it about you? It's not about you.

Jordan 0:34:34 Well, that don't matter. How would you deal with it? I, I think we should all agree that you shouldn't be asking people when they're having kids.

William 0:34:39 Completely agree.

Jordan 0:34:40 But if people do ask you, what's the response?

William 0:34:43 Well, I don't know. It's not as easy as that. That is basically what I'd say. If it was as easy, we would have had them.

Jordan 0:34:50 I mean, if you feel comfortable, we are trying.

William 0:34:52 Yeah.

Jordan 0:34:52 We're not quite there yet.

William 0:34:55 Like this conversation, it's trying.

Jordan 0:34:57 Yeah. Okay.

William 0:34:58 No, I just don't ask or just make them feel awkward.

Jordan 0:35:01 Give them an answer that kind of tells them that you don't want to talk about it. Just be like, yeah, we're trying.

William 0:35:06 Oh, sure. Or you could just say, we don't want kids, if you don't want kids. That's the other thing. There are people out there that do not want kids, whether they can conceive naturally or with help. They just don't want children. Why have we got a society that everything is geared around having children? That's my thoughts anyway.

Jordan 0:35:23 Well, it's, you know, I suppose most people do want kids.

William 0:35:29 Could we just backtrack on that, please?

Jordan 0:35:32 Most people do want kids. Most of my friends and family want and have kids.

William 0:35:36 There's a lot of my friends don't.

Jordan 0:35:39 Yeah, but we live in a little London bubble where everyone's like, yeah. It's different down here, but most people IRL want or have kids.

William 0:35:48 Yeah, but it's— the danger is where people sort of superimpose their own desires on others and just assume that everyone thinks the same as them.

Jordan 0:35:55 Oh, kids are wonderful.

William 0:35:57 Kids are great. Oh, kids are absolutely gorgeous. I love kids. But I don't necessarily want them myself.

Jordan 0:36:01 Alright. What? You sound like Miss Trunchbull. Glad I never was one. You probably were never one, to be fair.

William 0:36:08 I was never one. No, you was never. No, no, no. You are absolutely right. This is also from anonymous. Hello, Sex Ed team. Firstly, I'd like to start off by letting you know that my period in June was totally normal length.

Jordan 0:36:19 Nope. Loads of people have been DMing me saying— Can I just say, since I mentioned that, loads of people have been DMing me saying I had 2 periods in June.

William 0:36:26 Your DMs are just full of bisexuals and people meant to be—

Jordan 0:36:29 Oh, the bisexuals with the peanut butter comment. Honestly, I'm very, very big in the bisexual community now. Since I compared them to peanut butter. Genuinely.

William 0:36:40 Right. Onto my dilemma. Imagine you're going on holiday with a big group. A few couples, a few single friends, all staying together in the same villa by the beach. Only some of the rooms have en suite bathrooms. In my opinion, the best time to have sex is between 11 AM and 4 PM. First thing in the morning is a bit too morning breathy and sleepy, but— and by the evening you're just tired. Usually this would be the time you're at work. Most of us are, at least. So being on holiday gives you much more opportunity for excellent sex. But if you're staying in a room without an en suite, it's a bit awkward. It is also awkward to disappear from the group in the middle of the day for a nap, only to emerge after a suspiciously timed shower. So what do you say? What do you do? What's the best way to optimise prime sex time when you're on holiday with a large group? Many thanks.

Jordan 0:37:19 Everyone knows. Let's just be— let's just hope you don't—

William 0:37:23 Yeah, don't be prudish about it.

Jordan 0:37:24 No, everyone knows. Let's just hope you don't have a dickhead in your group like me that says they're going for a shag, or when you come back going, how was your shag? You know, let's just hope you don't have someone like me in the group. But yeah, everyone knows.

William 0:37:34 If people are monitoring your activities, whether you're going for sex, whether you're going to eat something, whether you are going for a nap, tell them to fuck off. Not my business.

Jordan 0:37:43 My mate put on his Insta Stories, you know, the close friends one, with a little green star. There's a picture of him on holiday with a pint and just put, this and a shag. I was like, yeah. Yeah. So, um, don't worry, we're all adults. Don't be— everyone—

William 0:37:57 Or own it and just go, right, we'll see you in an hour.

Jordan 0:38:00 Yeah. And, and try in the morning. Brush your teeth. Lasts longer in the morning as well, so I've been told. What's the next one?

William 0:38:10 Does it? Why?

Jordan 0:38:12 It's just—

Speaker F 0:38:14 Hmm? He's going red again.

William 0:38:16 Yeah, I know.

Jordan 0:38:16 Going red. Next. So yeah, try it.

William 0:38:20 How long would you say is your average?

Jordan 0:38:22 What?

William 0:38:23 You know, cupping.

Jordan 0:38:24 I'm not talking about this.

William 0:38:26 Well, I'm gonna—

Jordan 0:38:26 Well, how long's your average?

Speaker F 0:38:27 What are you talking about?

William 0:38:29 15 minutes.

Speaker F 0:38:29 The length of—

Jordan 0:38:29 15 minutes?!

William 0:38:31 5-0. I just wanted to clarify.

Jordan 0:38:32 Oh, 50? Yeah. Fucking hell. 50 minutes?!

William 0:38:38 I think that's quite quick.

Jordan 0:38:42 I've done it in the adverts for Corrie before now. I have. I've moved— right, shut up. Anyway.

William 0:38:48 This is from Em. Hi Jordan, William, and the Sex Ed team. I'm a relatively new listener the last year or so, and I've absolutely loved the pod. I particularly enjoy your reactions to people's cleaning horror stories, so I thought I'd share one of my own.

Jordan 0:38:58 Oh, here we go.

William 0:38:59 When I was at school, I went to a friend's house for tea. She lived in the posh part of town, so I was excited to see how the other half lived. The moment I walked in, I was hit with the strangest smell. The only way I can describe it is like walking into a bathroom just after someone's done a number 2 and lit a candle to disguise it. Later, while helping clear up the dinner, I opened their huge kitchen bin and found it was almost entirely full of empty Febreze bottles. I'm talking like 50+ bottles. Then I noticed there were 4 bottles of Febreze in almost every room. That's when I realised something else. They didn't have a washing machine. Curiosity got the better of me, so I asked my friend why they had so much Febreze but no washing machine. She casually replied, we don't have one. Mum just sprays all of our clothes with fabric Febreze and uses it on the carpets and furniture because it's easier. Suddenly the smell made sense. They weren't cleaning anything, just masking it. No washing clothes, no washing cushion covers, no carpet cleaning, just Febreze. Oh. I shortly left afterwards and showered the moment I got home. 10 years later, I still can't bring myself to buy Febreze because the trauma is so deeply ingrained. So my question is, what is the etiquette when you discover a household's entire cleaning routine is essentially just air freshener? Love, M. Well, I think just— I mean, it's disgusting. Just never go back or eat anything in their house.

Jordan 0:40:07 I mean, I, I, I am a big fan of Febreze. I don't use as much.

William 0:40:12 Yeah, but you do not use it to compensate for everything else.

Jordan 0:40:14 Use it on me cushions and me sofa.

William 0:40:16 Yeah, but how often do you get that professionally cleaned?

Jordan 0:40:18 Oh yeah, I've never had it cleaned. Do I need to get that cleaned? I wipe it down with a wet cloth.

William 0:40:26 Why are you wiping a sofa down with a wet cloth, Dr.

Jordan 0:40:29 Paul? You just do it with a wet cloth, don't you? Just do it with a damp— I've never had my sofa professionally cleaned.

William 0:40:33 You wanna have my carpet cleaners round?

Jordan 0:40:35 Absolutely, I'd love to.

William 0:40:37 Yes.

Jordan 0:40:37 Can you send me their number?

William 0:40:38 I will.

Jordan 0:40:39 I'll get them down before you come to barbecue in a couple of weeks.

William 0:40:42 Well, I hope so. Yes, please do. I'm not sitting on anything of yours.

Jordan 0:40:45 I wipe it down, and then, and then I'll wipe it down. I'll wipe it down at least once a week.

William 0:40:50 The whole sofa? You wipe down a sofa?

Jordan 0:40:54 Yeah, but you're—

William 0:40:54 Do you vacuum the sofa at any point?

Jordan 0:40:56 Yeah.

William 0:40:58 What material is your sofa, remind me?

Jordan 0:41:00 It's a fabric one.

William 0:41:01 Yeah, but what fabric? Suede? Linen?

Jordan 0:41:04 Yeah, suede's one. It's got a big yoghurt mark now, thanks to friggin' nephews.

William 0:41:09 Yoghurt?

Jordan 0:41:09 It is yoghurt as well. I'm sick of telling that story every time people come round. It's my nephew. Well, I'm not convinced it was my nephew. I think it might have been our brads, but he blamed it on

William 0:41:19 kid. Right. When Izzy came to stay with me, she dropped halloumi on one of my dining chairs. It has come out.

Jordan 0:41:25 You having halloumi? You've changed. From Cliverill, halloumi.

William 0:41:29 We served her halloumi, to be fair.

Jordan 0:41:30 Oh,

William 0:41:31 first. Yeah. Just in her defence.

Jordan 0:41:33 Was she like, halloumi, what's that like? Is it like rubbery cheese? I've never had it before. Is it nice?

William 0:41:39 It's uncanny. Please get your carpets cleaned.

Jordan 0:41:43 I will. I didn't know that was a thing.

William 0:41:44 Do you have your carpets cleaned?

Jordan 0:41:45 I don't really have carpets.

William 0:41:47 Okay, well, rugs.

Jordan 0:41:48 No, I thought they do need a— right, I'll get them.

William 0:41:51 Once a year minimum.

Jordan 0:41:52 Okay, can you send them around? Because I actually do want my carpet cleaned.

William 0:41:55 Okay.

Jordan 0:41:56 Yeah, I'll get them to do that.

Speaker F 0:41:57 We need a full schedule.

Jordan 0:41:58 More money to freaking spend this. What?

Speaker F 0:42:01 We need a full schedule from William of like what we need to clean at what point in the year.

Jordan 0:42:06 Yeah.

Speaker F 0:42:06 If it's like, right, bedding every week.

William 0:42:08 Bedding every— oh yeah, definitely. Twice a week in this house.

Jordan 0:42:11 Towels, how often?

William 0:42:13 Oh, well, we do ours twice a week.

Speaker F 0:42:14 Twice a week?

William 0:42:16 Yeah, in this weather.

Jordan 0:42:17 I do it once a week.

Speaker F 0:42:18 Once

William 0:42:18 a week is fine if you absolutely—

Jordan 0:42:21 I'd say, depends how many showers, right? Monday to Friday, and then on Friday I put them in on a—

William 0:42:24 Well, that's, that's every 5 days.

Jordan 0:42:25 That bleach you got me—

William 0:42:27 Ace for Whites.

Jordan 0:42:28 You've changed my life, my friend.

William 0:42:30 Thank you. I've just done a new order.

Jordan 0:42:31 I've—

William 0:42:32 to be fair, Jonathan got me into it, so credit to him.

Jordan 0:42:34 I was always an Oxy Action powder. Oh no. I'm a bleach for whites now, whatever it's called.

William 0:42:39 Ace for Whites. Ace for Colours is also good, but it doesn't really do much. It just sort of brings the colour back. Oh, talking of colours, can we just go back? I want your opinion, because you're sort of known for sort of semi-fashion.

Jordan 0:42:50 Known for semi-fashion?

William 0:42:53 Yeah.

Jordan 0:42:54 I'll take that.

William 0:42:55 What do you think?

Jordan 0:42:55 Compliment. Thank you, my friend.

William 0:42:57 Thank you. What do you think? It's this— it's the one I put on my story. Oh, Disney. What do you think of my shirt?

Jordan 0:43:03 Ah.

William 0:43:04 Okay. That says it all. So, for those listening, it's a shirt, it's a striped shirt, white stripe, and there are different sort of bigger panels. One's yellow, one's orange, one's blue, one's green, and it repeats. And people either love it or hate it. When I put it on my story, I had lots of people saying, I love that shirt, where's it from? And other people saying it was an ick.

Jordan 0:43:24 It looks a bit like you're presenting on Cash in the Attic.

William 0:43:27 Okay.

Jordan 0:43:30 But I like it.

William 0:43:31 Well, so I bought it for— at Titanic a few weeks ago now. We had— oh, it was Pride. And so we did a Pride warm-up, so everyone had to wear something sort of—

Jordan 0:43:39 Rainbowy.

William 0:43:40 Rainbowy. And I suddenly went, oh my God, I don't have anything. I have lots of things that would be considered gay, but nothing that is rainbowy. So I found this shirt, and I thought, well, that's a nice enough shirt that it'll do the warm-up, but it'll also— I can wear it, you know, beyond the warm-up. And so I wore it to Disney because, you know, colourful. And yeah, some people love it, some people hate it.

Jordan 0:44:01 I like it.

William 0:44:02 Okay, good. But you did just go, ah, when I showed it to

Jordan 0:44:05 you. Yeah, I can imagine it getting a mixed reaction.

William 0:44:07 Okay, fine. This is from Gemma.

Jordan 0:44:09 Haters gonna hate, babe.

William 0:44:10 Yes, exactly. Dear Help I Sexed With My Boss—

Jordan 0:44:12 Don't mind me, I'm just blocking out the haters. Oh, hey there, I'm just blocking out the hate. Anyway.

William 0:44:17 This is from Gemma. Dear Help I Sexed With My Boss team, I'm a fairly new listener and I've absolutely fallen in love with your pod. You're the only people I trust on a matter of national importance, Here's my dilemma: when I'm served tea in a café or restaurant, what am I supposed to do with the tea bag or little loose-leaf filter once it's brewed? Leaving it in the cup means tannin-flavoured regret, but putting it on the saucer leaves a sad little puddle that makes the cup drip and renders the saucer unusable.

Jordan 0:44:41 This is a great question.

William 0:44:42 Why don't cafés provide a tiny dishcloth?

Jordan 0:44:45 Yes!

William 0:44:45 Surely that's the only civilised solution. Is there an actual etiquette rule here, or do I simply need to start going to places where tea is treated with the respect it deserves? respect it deserves. Please advise before I accidentally commit a social faux pas involving a soggy tea bag. Warmly, Jana from Hampshire.

Jordan 0:44:58 Now—

William 0:44:58 Hampshire, of course.

Jordan 0:44:59 I tend to not have tea out.

William 0:45:02 Correct.

Jordan 0:45:03 I only have brews at home. But if you do, I always like either keep it— keep the tea bag in if it's a weak brew. But if you're gonna take it out, just take it to the bin and throw it in the bin, or just put a little napkin. But give it a squeeze so it don't go everywhere. There's nothing worse than when you leave it on the Saucer, and then it's damp and you can't put your cup back on the saucer. Yeah,

William 0:45:21 yeah, yeah.

Jordan 0:45:21 Over to you. This is your—

William 0:45:23 It is. No, yeah, I don't like it. I mean, you're clearly— you are in a lower established— lower class establishment if they are not providing anything for you to put your tea bag in. Really? Leaving it in the cup, awful.

Jordan 0:45:32 Well, how's it gonna brew?

William 0:45:33 Well, no, no. Yes, but then after 4 minutes or however long, you want to take it out so you don't get hit in the face with a soggy tea bag. Or put it— or putting it in the saucer, again, as they say, leaves a puddle. Ick, not very nice. And then you have a sort of— if you've got a cup and saucer, then the bottom of your cup is wet, and then as you're drinking, it splashes, etc. So, I would say ask for a little dish. Just ask them, say, please, could I have a little dish to put this in? Or, where would you like me to put my tea bag?

Jordan 0:45:58 I think they'd give you a little pot. They should, yes. A little ramekin or something.

William 0:46:02 Or if it's— I don't mind if sometimes you get a teapot that has got, in effect, a glorified tea bag in it where they've put loose leaf in, and that's fine because you're then pouring out into the cup. that's okay. But if they're expecting you to sort of make the tea in the cup, then it's a bit grim.

Jordan 0:46:17 You know, I go more northern when I'm speaking to my mum and family and stuff. You go extra posh when you're talking about tea and etiquette. You go cup. Pour into the cup.

William 0:46:27 Pour, yeah.

Jordan 0:46:28 Pour, which is nice.

William 0:46:29 And it's pour into the cup and poor as in no money, if you want the sort of, yeah, different spelling.

Jordan 0:46:35 Poor.

William 0:46:35 Because it's P-W-O. No, we don't say poor.

Jordan 0:46:39 So, he's really poor.

William 0:46:41 But well, it's sort of— it's because it's a diphthong, so it is sort of the same.

Jordan 0:46:45 You've got one of them.

William 0:46:46 A diphthong? Yeah, I need to give it to you back. Um, the— yeah, it's the sort of the 2 sounds in one. So, poor, and how do you say it?

Jordan 0:46:56 Poor.

William 0:46:57 Poor. Yeah, same thing. Different sound, but same thing. Our final dilemma is from Anonymous. Hello, William, Jordan, and the wonderful Sex Ed crew. Firstly, thank you for making me question my sexuality after telling me that liking Adele is camp. I absolutely love the podcast, but I have a dilemma and I don't know where else to turn. My dad is 78 years old but is surprisingly tech savvy and spends a fair time on X, the platform formerly known as Twitter.

Jordan 0:47:21 Oh God.

William 0:47:21 The other day, I was looking for some new accounts to follow when one popped up from my contacts. It was my dad, except I already followed my dad. The profile picture was tiny, so I clicked on it. To my absolute horror, I was Greeted by a series of photographs featuring my old man's wrinkly sausage alongside someone who definitely wasn't my stepmum, but rather somebody else's granny, spread-eagled on a bed. I didn't dare scroll any further because I'd already seen far more than any child should ever have to.

Jordan 0:47:47 Oh my God, he's got a sex X account.

William 0:47:50 The posts were recent too. My dilemma is this: my dad and I have a lot of mutual friends on X, and now I'm terrified that half the people we know have accidentally seen my father's conquests, or even worse, his dick pics. Do I say something to my dad?

Jordan 0:48:01 78!

William 0:48:02 Spare any—

Jordan 0:48:03 Fair play.

William 0:48:04 Gives you hope. Spare him any further embarrassment, or do I simply pretend I never saw any of it and spend the rest of my life trying to erase those images from my memory? Thanks, Anonymous.

Jordan 0:48:13 Okay, this— there's lots to unpack here. Maybe you could DM and create another X account and just say, hey, just to let you know, your friends and family have seen this.

William 0:48:21 This is linked to your mobile phone number.

Jordan 0:48:22 This is linked to your mobile phone number from an anonymous account.

William 0:48:25 From a what account?

Jordan 0:48:27 Anonymous account. So then you don't cause any embarrassment. I'd say I suggest you delete it, and then hopefully it deletes it.

William 0:48:34 Or become a private account. That's the other thing he could do, even if it is linked to his mobile phone number. And I don't use Twitter/X, but I would imagine you have to put in a phone number maybe now to create an account?

Jordan 0:48:48 Oh, I don't know.

William 0:48:48 So create a private account, so at least those photos stay hidden.

Jordan 0:48:52 I'd do that. But then— I'd do that personally, but he's got a porn account.

William 0:48:58 Hmm. I mean, to each their own.

Jordan 0:49:03 I mean, I wouldn't personally, 'cause I wouldn't want that conversation. I'd just anonymously tip him off and say, this is what's going

William 0:49:10 on. I quite like Jordan's suggestion of doing a— creating your own anonymous account and messaging them and saying—

Jordan 0:49:16 And it's not— do you think his stepmum knows?

William 0:49:19 Well, I mean, that is an entire other conversation.

Jordan 0:49:22 I'd stay clear. I'd stay clear.

William 0:49:25 If you aren't comfortable sitting him down and saying, I'm aware of this, could you do something about it, please? It's embarrassing. For your own embarrassment. I don't know, maybe the dad doesn't care.

Jordan 0:49:33 He's got his chop out on X.

William 0:49:35 He has, and clearly not on a private account. Not that doing it on a private account necessarily makes it any better, but at least there is some control over who sees it.

Jordan 0:49:43 Okay.

William 0:49:44 It all goes on.

Jordan 0:49:45 Well, thank you for your questions and dilemmas. Remember, you can listen to new episodes every Tuesday and Friday and 24 hours before anywhere else on Global Player. And you can watch us as well on YouTube. We put the full episodes up every release day. Just head to YouTube and search for Sexton. Goodbye. Goodbye.