X-Rated Film Puns | And Pillow Fluffers

Jordan 0:01:02 Hello and welcome to our Friday episode where we see how much extra content we can squeeze into your week. Random things that have been sent in, extra bits that have been going on, and how our advice went down with you, our Gen Zers.

William 0:01:23 How the dickens are you?

Jordan 0:01:24 I'm good, yourself?

William 0:01:25 Yes, I'm very well, thank you. We've got your lovely barbecue, haven't we?

Jordan 0:01:28 That's the talk of the town, William.

William 0:01:30 It is the talk of the town.

Jordan 0:01:31 Talk of the town.

William 0:01:32 And remember, one burger, one sausage, one chicken, and one corn on the cob.

Jordan 0:01:38 Thank you.

William 0:01:38 Little bit of potato and one brownie.

Jordan 0:01:40 Yeah.

William 0:01:41 Although you're not barbecuing them.

Jordan 0:01:42 No, I won't be barbecuing the brownies. No. So I've got a chilled one tonight, Friday.

William 0:01:46 Don't barbecue the brownies, they'll look like you chasing after that Guy went in the back of the car. He'll

Jordan 0:01:54 be caked. Don't be so disgusting. Don't be so disgusting, the pair of you. Disgusting.

William 0:02:03 What an image.

Jordan 0:02:04 I'm doing me big shop tonight, as we speak.

William 0:02:06 Are you?

Jordan 0:02:06 So after this, I'm gonna go and do me big shop.

William 0:02:08 Nice. Okay.

Jordan 0:02:09 Yeah, got me list.

William 0:02:10 Lovely. You don't go to the butcher's?

Jordan 0:02:12 No, not for catering for 22 people. Got a big shop.

William 0:02:18 Okay.

Jordan 0:02:19 I forgot to ask if any of you's got dietary requirements, and proper ones, because I, I think a lot of— I don't really believe in them unless it's nuts. I think it's all a load of bollocks. So does any of you have any dietary requirements?

William 0:02:28 Dietary requirements, it's all nuts.

Jordan 0:02:30 Unless it's nuts, I think it's a load of bollocks. Do you mean you can't have bloody dairy?

William 0:02:36 Jordan, in the interests of your career,

Jordan 0:02:39 do you mean you can't have dairy? No offence. How dare he. Do you mean

William 0:02:44 you're lactose

Jordan 0:02:45 intolerant? Lactose intolerant.

William 0:02:47 Gluten? Celiac?

Jordan 0:02:48 Don't believe in all that. So do any of you have any—

William 0:02:52 his words.

Jordan 0:02:52 Why are you nodding? I do. What? A lot of almonds. A lot of almonds, right. That's nuts. Nuts and shellfish I can understand.

William 0:03:00 Okay.

Jordan 0:03:01 Because of the Mrs. Doubtfire scene.

William 0:03:03 Right, that's how you can understand it.

Jordan 0:03:05 Yeah, because you don't—

William 0:03:06 through the, the medium of Robin Williams and Pierce Brosnan.

Jordan 0:03:09 You don't want Pierce Brosnan. Being like Pierce Brosnan, joking, help is on the way, dear!

William 0:03:13 He lives.

Jordan 0:03:14 Yeah. So yeah. Okay, well, that's good. I'm doing my big shop tonight, and then I've got a game of padel on Sunday.

William 0:03:19 Yes, on my Sunday, I think I'm going to go to the garden centre, because I think I need a bigger pot for my cucumbers. I do! They're growing at a rapid rate.

Jordan 0:03:28 How do you grow cucumbers?

William 0:03:29 Very easily, actually, in my pots of earth.

Jordan 0:03:32 Bring some round. I'll pop them in the salad.

William 0:03:33 I am going to bring some round. If I've got enough, I will genuinely bring my cucumbers round.

Jordan 0:03:38 Okay, great.

William 0:03:39 And people can enjoy that.

Jordan 0:03:40 All right.

William 0:03:41 Which is nice. Lovely. And is your paddle game improving at all, or is it still a bit dodgy? That's what you've said recently.

Jordan 0:03:48 Up and down. Very inconsistent.

William 0:03:50 Up and down. Okay.

Jordan 0:03:50 I can get in my head a bit.

William 0:03:51 You? In your head? It's not like you.

Jordan 0:03:54 But yeah, getting better.

William 0:03:57 Good. Hi guys. Hi Ben. What are you doing this weekend other than the barbecue? One burger, one sausage. Honestly, if he was vegetarian like he used to be, we'd have more food.

Jordan 0:04:07 Oh, you're not veggie this weekend, are you?

William 0:04:09 No, that, that, that's— that phase has closed, hasn't it then?

Jordan 0:04:14 I still am, jokes. Oh, Diego, you— I've got a tennis Pedigree cupboard for you, it'd be all right. Pedigree Cham comes out, me bum like Pedigree Cham.

William 0:04:24 Honestly, with that moustache, we might be able to feel your whiskers.

Jordan 0:04:33 Ben.

Speaker E 0:04:33 Cat's away this weekend, so—

Jordan 0:04:35 Shock.

Speaker E 0:04:36 I've got a bit of a free, free pass to do what I want.

Jordan 0:04:39 Oh,

William 0:04:39 that's the truth. Ben and I are going to be a couple for the first hour because Mike is coming an hour late because he's coming from something else. So Ben and I are going to couple up.

Jordan 0:04:47 Is anyone coming on time? Jimmy from Capital's got a bloody netball match.

William 0:04:51 Gay.

Jordan 0:04:52 Hey, he's captain of the England netball team, you know.

William 0:04:59 Gay.

Jordan 0:05:01 I will be replaying him this.

William 0:05:03 That's fine. So hang on, so he's arriving an hour late. Mike is right, maybe we should all—

Speaker E 0:05:07 Should we just arrive an hour late?

William 0:05:08 Let's go to the pub.

Jordan 0:05:09 We've got the subwoofer as well.

William 0:05:12 Mhm. Are your neighbours— have you told your neighbours?

Jordan 0:05:15 Maureen won't mind. She'll come and have— she'll probably come and join us.

Speaker E 0:05:19 Will she get one sausage, one potato, one—

Jordan 0:05:23 Yes. One sausage, one burger, one chicken, one corn on the cob.

Speaker E 0:05:27 Well, if she's got one on the list, then I'll just have one of hers, 'cause she's not invited.

William 0:05:31 No. Or tell her, like, 5, and when I've had all the food. I'm not giving Maureen my corn on the cob. Okay. Never met her.

Jordan 0:05:38 Right, what we doing? Come on.

William 0:05:41 Right, well, after Ross revealed in a dilemma that his father had introduced him to the X-rated version of Beauty and the Beast as a child—

Jordan 0:05:48 I dread to think.

William 0:05:49 Inadvertently, we asked our GND-ers to ruin some more classic films with some X-rated titles.

Jordan 0:05:54 Great.

William 0:05:55 Saskia said Mary Poppetin. Seen that 45 times as well.

Jordan 0:06:01 A spoonful of sugar makes the cock go down. The cock go down. The cock go down. Supercalifragilistic stick it in your arse, then you don't need no one, you're wringing like a dancer. Supercalifragilistic— I could carry on.

William 0:06:18 Don't.

Speaker E 0:06:19 Tuppence a bird.

Jordan 0:06:21 Show me your tuppence. Your tuppence. Your tuppence. We should remake the Mary Poppins porn.

William 0:06:28 No.

Speaker E 0:06:28 Mary pop it in.

Jordan 0:06:30 Mary pop it in. What's the real sad song that they sing at the end?

William 0:06:34 The sad song? Well, they do Stay Awake. They do—

Jordan 0:06:39 Stick it in.

William 0:06:41 Let's Go Fly a Kite.

Jordan 0:06:43 Let's go fuck.

William 0:06:46 Ben.

Jordan 0:06:47 Let's go fuck my ass.

William 0:06:55 Nope. Tommy, we're gonna move on. Tommy suggested Forrest Hump.

Jordan 0:07:00 Very good.

William 0:07:01 Pink Number One Lover—

Speaker E 0:07:02 That's a lot of chocolates.

William 0:07:03 I don't want to go near your chocolate box. Pink Number One Lover says Womb Raider.

Jordan 0:07:09 Oh, God.

William 0:07:11 Andy suggested Batman and Throbbin'.

Speaker E 0:07:15 Bit of costume play.

Jordan 0:07:17 Class.

William 0:07:18 El Coxy, Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory. Great. Michael— Takes you back to your school days. Come, fat boy, come.

Jordan 0:07:29 This podcast couldn't get any lower, and I love it. This is right into my year 8 sense of humour.

William 0:07:39 Tom, titty titty gangbang.

Jordan 0:07:41 Yep.

William 0:07:41 Ben, presumably not producer, bend over like Beckham.

Jordan 0:07:45 Great.

William 0:07:47 Tony, Titan dick.

Jordan 0:07:49 That's not even good. Benny.

William 0:07:51 How's that made the frigging cut? Project Nail Mary.

Speaker E 0:07:56 Like that.

William 0:07:57 Andrew, Asablanca. Weston, what an interesting name, who shagged Roger and his rabbit? And Mr. Fandango, RoboCop.

Jordan 0:08:08 I think cum fat by cum wins for me.

William 0:08:11 I don't think we've had this many responses from men. So it's very interesting to see what gets them involved. Is

Jordan 0:08:17 that the note from Social Joe?

William 0:08:18 Yes.

Jordan 0:08:19 Brilliant.

William 0:08:19 Thank you, Social Joe. And thank you to all those who contributed to that.

Jordan 0:08:23 That's great.

William 0:08:24 Fascinating X-rated film title puns.

Jordan 0:08:26 Mary Poppetin. That could be the thing. She could be the nanny, hot nanny, who the dad ends up shagging. Mr. Banks.

William 0:08:36 Mr. Bonks?

Jordan 0:08:37 Mr. Bonks. Then the wife finds out, but she joins in.

William 0:08:43 Yeah.

Jordan 0:08:43 And then Bert the chimney sweep comes down and he joins in.

William 0:08:45 Where does he come down?

Jordan 0:08:46 From the chimney.

William 0:08:47 Okay.

Jordan 0:08:47 Oh my God. Nice.

William 0:08:50 There is— I've said this before, but there is a bit in Mary Poppins the Musical, which obviously isn't on at the moment, but where Miss Andrew, the nanny who comes up in Act 2, the bad nanny, where she opens the bottle of brimstone and treacle, and the sound effect they use, and they have used in the show always, is— and every time it happens, I think of my asshole.

Jordan 0:09:07 William's ass.

William 0:09:08 Only because of you and going, William's ass. Anyway, after putting you, Jordan, to the test on last Friday's episode, I thought it was time you all heard some actual etiquette advice. Rather than— well, to be fair, you got 4 into 5. So we asked our GND-ers to send in their burning etiquette questions. Jordan, take it away. I will answer. You give me the question, I will answer.

Jordan 0:09:30 Josh says, what should you do if you accidentally fart in public?

William 0:09:33 Don't mention it.

Jordan 0:09:34 Really?

William 0:09:35 Yeah.

Jordan 0:09:35 What if it's really loud and really smelly and everyone notices?

William 0:09:38 Blame it on the dog.

Jordan 0:09:38 But what if there's a dog not there?

William 0:09:40 Don't— doesn't matter. Blame it on the dog. Don't mention it. It's very ill-mannered to refer to other people's flatulence.

Jordan 0:09:45 Is it?

William 0:09:45 Yes.

Jordan 0:09:46 How would I address a letter to the First Sea Lord?

William 0:09:50 Oh god, I don't know. I have to look it up.

Jordan 0:09:51 Who's the First Sea Lord?

William 0:09:53 I don't know. Who is— is that the same as the—

Jordan 0:09:54 Is that one of those fairies?

William 0:09:55 Head of the Admiralty? No, the First Sea Lord is the head of the Navy.

Jordan 0:10:00 Not a phone of roses, probably.

William 0:10:02 Is the First Sea Lord now the King? I think it used to be the late Duke of Edinburgh.

Speaker E 0:10:06 It's General Sir Gwyn Jenkins.

William 0:10:09 Right. Well, I need to look

Speaker E 0:10:12 that up. I've never— So you'd say, hi, Gwyn.

Jordan 0:10:13 So, do we—

William 0:10:15 You would not say hi, Gwyn.

Jordan 0:10:16 So, do we have a First Sea Lord? What is that, like the head of—

William 0:10:18 The Navy.

Jordan 0:10:19 Is it? I thought that was the Admiral.

William 0:10:22 No, First Sea Lord is the head of the Navy, I believe.

Jordan 0:10:25 Okay.

William 0:10:25 Yes.

Jordan 0:10:26 Wouldn't you say ahoy?

William 0:10:28 No, you don't say ahoy! Hello, sailor.

Jordan 0:10:34 What does… Mrs. Bucket say? She says—

William 0:10:39 What?

Jordan 0:10:40 Ahoy there.

William 0:10:41 She does not say, ahoy, oh ahoy, my hearties! Yeah.

Jordan 0:10:44 Abhi says, what to do

William 0:10:44 when

Jordan 0:10:44 someone What do you say when someone is queue jumping?

William 0:10:48 Well, you— I would give them the benefit of the doubt that they're not queue jumping to begin with, and then sort of say, oh, actually, there is actually a queue. It's just at the back.

Jordan 0:10:55 Oh, so you say sorry. I'm really sorry, there's a queue here. Yes. Yeah. I'll slip them around here. What do you do when a friend gives you a cheap wine you don't like?

William 0:11:01 You say, Jordan, I don't want that chilled Rioja. Take it out the fridge a bit earlier.

Jordan 0:11:06 What do you say?

William 0:11:08 Hmm?

Jordan 0:11:09 What do you do? You just keep it going?

William 0:11:11 You don't say anything. You just have to— you go, oh, it's— if they've offered, you know, drink as much. If they've poured it for you, try and drink it if you can. It's not going to kill you. And then if they say, would you like another glass? You go, oh, do you know what? I'm gonna play it safe today.

Jordan 0:11:21 Oh, okay. Yeah. What's a witty out-of-office message?

William 0:11:26 You don't need a witty out-of-office message. It's not a stand-up comedy routine. People that make them funny, they think they're hilarious. No, they're not.

Jordan 0:11:34 Are paper napkins acceptable, says Beau, or should one always strive to use fabric?

William 0:11:40 I do think a fabric napkin— and I'm gonna say it, for alfresco dining, A cloth napkin is gonna stay on your lap, whereas a paper one, 'cause it maybe is a bit of a breeze, it blows off so easily, and then you have to constantly pick it up, and then you may not want to pick it up because it's gone on the floor. Just use a cloth napkin. They're so much nicer.

Jordan 0:11:58 Okay, Nicholas says, can I eat a battered sausage without a knife and fork?

William 0:12:02 A battered sausage? What's a battered sausage?

Jordan 0:12:04 I've never had a battered sausage. I'll bet you have after a few nights in Soho. But— From chip—

William 0:12:10 It's not the sausage. Anyway, no.

Jordan 0:12:12 From the chippy. You ever had a battered sausage?

William 0:12:16 I've never— no, I don't really go to the chippy.

Jordan 0:12:18 I think you can eat a battered sausage without a fork, 'cause sometimes they put it in the paper.

William 0:12:21 There's the thumbnail.

Speaker E 0:12:24 Jordan has mimed eating a sausage with his fork.

Jordan 0:12:30 I just thought I was listening, I was just gesturing.

William 0:12:31 I think that's what he was doing.

Jordan 0:12:32 'Cause you can, can't you? Mm. Yeah. Oh, you'll like this one. Anon says, do you send a thank you letter after sex? I had a good time.

William 0:12:40 Well, you did. I've still got it.

Jordan 0:12:43 Can you send a thank you letter? I think a text, maybe.

William 0:12:48 Yeah, I don't— I think a thank you letter is a bit much.

Jordan 0:12:50 A text?

William 0:12:51 I think so. If certainly if you want to continue the relationship, even if it's just, you know, friends with benefits, you could say, oh, you know, it was lovely to see you. Hope to see you again soon.

Jordan 0:13:00 Okay. Finally, Ed says, what's the etiquette for rubbing one out under the table?

William 0:13:04 Oh, I've never been asked that.

Jordan 0:13:08 Don't.

William 0:13:09 What? Yeah, don't. Why do you want to do it under the table?

Jordan 0:13:12 Yeah, don't. That's

William 0:13:13 what I always think.

Jordan 0:13:14 All right, there you go. I like that. We should do more, some more quickfire etiquette.

William 0:13:18 Yes, I will come back to you on how to address the First Sea Lord because I feel I need to give a proper answer on that.

Jordan 0:13:23 Okay,

William 0:13:24 but I'll be honest, my one weak spot with etiquette is generally anything military.

Jordan 0:13:27 Really?

William 0:13:29 Anyway, we've got more of your emails, messages, and letters after the break.

William 0:16:38 Welcome back, Gene Divas. Let's go to your responses. Anne Anon has messaged after spotting me in the wild behaving in a way that can only be described as deeply uncouth.

Jordan 0:16:47 Great. What's he been up to? Was this the argument with Mikey on the Tube? Or was this—

William 0:16:52 That was years ago.

Jordan 0:16:53 Or was this—

William 0:16:54 We weren't even married.

Jordan 0:16:55 Was this the night out where you had to— Leave the taxi.

William 0:16:58 But you haven't even heard half of them more recently.

Jordan 0:17:04 Oh, oh God.

William 0:17:05 Let's put this— one of my handkerchiefs discarded in a bin on the Westway. Let's put it that way. Anonymous has messaged, Dear William Jordan, EPB, and the wider Sex Ed team, longtime listener, first-time writer here. My birthday is the 21st of July, and my partner's is the 30th of July, so we celebrated with a big birthday bash for 2: theatre, dinner, drinks, and a hotel stay. For context, he's a 6'3, very masc, straight-acting— oh, it's basically me— straight-acting, blokey North London Essex guy, and I'm a 5'8.5 camper gay from Essex. We've been together for just over a year. I booked The Book of Mormon as his gateway musical, as he claims he doesn't usually enjoy them, aside from the obvious Jersey Boys exception. On the walk to the theatre, we passed Titanic, and I mentioned how much I'd have loved to see it during William's run, although I fear it might have been a baptism of fire for my boyfriend's first musical experience. After a successful matinee, we headed into Soho for a post-theatre debrief and a martini— Vesper, dry with a twist for me— and ended up at Sophie's. It's a bar in Soho. Imagine our delight when the one and only William Hanson walked in and was seated directly behind us. I didn't want to interrupt, but it was a joy to see William out in the wild enjoying himself. I would of course have gushed about my love for the podcast and offered my support after the frankly rigged poll where he was voted the least funny. Top vote from me. Thank you.

Jordan 0:18:22 So they seen you in—

William 0:18:23 A bar in Soho. I used to go in between the matinee and the evening.

Jordan 0:18:26 Did you actually? You probably walked in with all your gaggle of twinks. Is that what you call a bunch of twinks? Is it a gaggle or is it a— And you would've been there with your drink in hand and be like, so I said to the lady, that's not how you make a drink! Was he holding court? I can imagine you holding court.

William 0:18:45 However, I did witness something truly shocking. William, the nation's leading etiquette expert, slumped back in a booth, Okay. Arm over his friend's chair— hang on, it's a booth or is it a chair?— casually stabbing chips with a fork before eating them.

Jordan 0:18:59 Shocking behaviour.

William 0:19:02 Well, if I'm eating chips with a fork, I wouldn't say that's that bad. Actually, it's

Jordan 0:19:04 not,

William 0:19:04 is it? A level of relaxed dining etiquette I never thought I'd see. So, my dilemma is, when is casual dining etiquette acceptable, even for an etiquette expert? Thank you for all bringing so much joy and laughter into our lives. The podcast is a wonderful escape from modern life, and we're so grateful for everything you do. Or misregards, The Gay in the Striped Cuban Collar. But I mean, to be honest, I mean, I've propped that bar up over the last 7 years.

Jordan 0:19:25 The Gay in the Striped Cuban Collar, isn't that a book?

William 0:19:28 No, that's The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas.

Jordan 0:19:29 Oh, right, sorry.

William 0:19:30 Which I think is a very different book. I can't really remember when that was, but they do quite nice chips there.

Jordan 0:19:37 Yeah, also, if you see him out in the wild, William, say hello to

William 0:19:41 him. Yes, do come and say hello. I don't bite.

Jordan 0:19:42 If he's— either of us, G and Divas, either of us, you can say hello to us. But eating chips with a fork sounds quite posh, actually.

William 0:19:50 Yes. So, I don't know if I've done anything wrong, but you do etiquette. You know, etiquette is not— how you behave at a state banquet, for example, if we take that as the sort of the most formal dining etiquette scenario, with how you're eating chips in a fast food restaurant— not that Sophie's is fast food— is you can dial it up and dial it down. You don't have to necessarily behave exactly the same in different scenarios. It is context-specific.

Jordan 0:20:12 Do you know what I had for my tea last night? Scampi and chips. Oh, I knew you'd all do that when I mentioned that.

William 0:20:19 What actually is scampi?

Jordan 0:20:19 I knew you'd I bet you Stu's secretly licking his lips behind.

William 0:20:24 Yeah. What is scampi?

Jordan 0:20:26 It's such an underrated tea, innit?

William 0:20:28 What's scampi?

Jordan 0:20:29 So scampi's basically fried prawns, basically, innit? Which I didn't realise until last night. I was like, oh yeah, of course it is. So I, I just thought scampi, chips, and mushy peas. Oh, I hope someone's listening to that now and thinking, I'm gonna have scampi. It's such an underrated tea, but just scampi and chips.

William 0:20:47 Did you, did you make it yourself or did you order it in?

Jordan 0:20:49 Made it myself.

William 0:20:50 You made it yourself?

Jordan 0:20:52 I didn't make it from fresh, just got— I made the chips from fresh in air fryer. They're more like wedges, but same thing. Okay. Scampi from M&S.

William 0:21:00 Surely a chip is smaller.

Jordan 0:21:01 And mushy peas.

William 0:21:02 I'll come round and eat them with a fork. Anyway. Slumped over a chair.

Jordan 0:21:05 Are you a mayo or ketchup type of guy with chips?

William 0:21:08 I don't like ketchup at all.

Jordan 0:21:09 With chips?

William 0:21:10 With anything. Don't mention it.

Jordan 0:21:13 Let's do a poll for our Gene— for our Gene Divers, please, Joe. Can we see, with chips, are you mayo or ketchup? Because it gets the nation talking. Ben?

Speaker E 0:21:21 I do both.

Jordan 0:21:24 Yeah, so do I.

William 0:21:25 You do both?

Jordan 0:21:25 I do a bit of both. Both. Ketchup. Ketchup. We'll do both as well as both.

William 0:21:30 When you came over, Izzy, when you stayed, I presented Izzy ketchup in a glass bottle and she had— she made me go and get the plastic one out the fridge because she couldn't navigate a glass bottle. She was there, she was just like doing this.

Jordan 0:21:41 Goes everywhere.

William 0:21:42 I thought it'd be natural, but it didn't. Nothing came out.

Jordan 0:21:45 Alright, next one. We'll put that poll up.

William 0:21:49 Alex has entered the chat, slapping on capital, asking for the Sexted lore. Hello boys. After years of seeing you pop up on social media, I finally decided to give you a listen. I think it was the clip of Jordan explaining how he can tell which people on holiday are going away for a shag that convinced me. I've known about William for a while, as I remember him from Camille Coutin's film Connasse: Princesse de Cœur. But Jordan, I'm not as familiar with. As a new listener, I was wondering if you could catch me up. How did you 2 lovely gentlemen meet?

Jordan 0:22:24 Sorry, Alex, that's so rude. Bless you. Thank you for listening and welcome along. We've just told this story so many times.

William 0:22:31 Do you know what I think we should actually do?

Jordan 0:22:32 Just make one up.

William 0:22:33 In interviews, literally just make it up every time. Every time now. Every time. In fact, we're gonna try this now. What have I missed so far? Any inside info I should know before I carry on listening? Loving the podcast so far. Love, Alex. P.S., Jordan, you're fit. Oh, it's lovely to have a blind listener with us.

Jordan 0:22:48 Thank you, Alex. We met at an orgy in Manchester.

William 0:22:55 No, no, we're making it up.

Jordan 0:22:57 Oh.

William 0:23:01 And Jordan, he looked round and he said, His first words to me were, deeper. And then, a few months later, I was at 5 Live. And I said, I'll never forget a face.

Speaker E 0:23:28 Never forget a bum.

William 0:23:30 And Jordan made me tea in a dirty mug, and in between the travel, and an item on queuing. We went to the loos and we've recreated that orgy.

Jordan 0:23:42 Yeah.

William 0:23:43 Um, and they've since knocked down the building.

Jordan 0:23:44 Long story cut short, I was on Workout Experience at 5 Live. William was a guest. I made him a cup of tea in a chip mug. We thought we'd never see each other again. We actually did it at 2012.

William 0:23:53 We thought we'd never see each other again.

Jordan 0:23:54 We did. Our friend was having, uh, a 2012 Olympic party. We became good friends after that in Manchester.

William 0:24:01 You gave me strawberry-flavoured lube.

Jordan 0:24:03 I did. You— I got you as a Secret Santa. I gave you strawberry-flavoured lube. We then started hanging out around Manchester.

William 0:24:09 Thank you for providing the cream.

Jordan 0:24:11 Our friend, Chairman Emeritus Stewart, said you two should do a podcast together 8 years ago, and here we are.

William 0:24:16 Here we are. But we were friends for at least 6 or 7 years before— one for the kids— before—

Jordan 0:24:23 Was it 6 or 7 years?

William 0:24:23 It was about 6 or 7 years, yeah.

Jordan 0:24:25 We fell out a couple of times in between, but you know.

William 0:24:27 Yes. Yes, we have.

Speaker E 0:24:30 Alex did ask for any other inside info they should know before carrying this out.

William 0:24:34 Oh, what's the inside info? There's this guy that interrupts the entire guy. He's got a really boring voice. Ben.

Jordan 0:24:39 Oh, not about me.

William 0:24:41 Oh, you clearly wanted us to talk about you.

Speaker E 0:24:42 No, I didn't!

Jordan 0:24:44 We've had dilemmas about someone sharing the mum's dildo that was under the bed. Inadvertently. And then it turned out it was cloned to her dad's dick.

Speaker E 0:24:50 That is inside info.

Jordan 0:24:52 Cats swallowing condoms, all sorts.

William 0:24:53 And when we say cat swallowing condoms, we refer to a feline, not Ben's now wife, who is also called Cat. She has never, I believe, swallowed a condom.

Jordan 0:25:02 There's a few impressions on the way. Mikey, Willin's mother. Hello, darlings.

William 0:25:06 She's— Yeah, apparently my mother's a Russian alcoholic. She's not. She's not Russian anyway.

Jordan 0:25:11 Mikey. Oh yeah, you're alright. Nice. Welcome along, Alex, is a bricklayer from Wakefield.

William 0:25:15 He's not, but in Jordan's special world, he is. We have Jump Cut Jack, who used to edit the podcast. And now— what do you do now? You just sort of sit there with a laptop, don't you? Yeah. We've got Gen Z Izzy, who sort of does social trends. We have Zofia, our technician.

Jordan 0:25:34 Yeah. Alright, right.

William 0:25:35 What? I'm just giving the whole cut. We have Social Joe.

Jordan 0:25:38 Yes, it's a full team. German America Stewart. friends. We're very lucky and very blessed.

William 0:25:42 Yes, and we're very lucky that you are now listening.

Jordan 0:25:44 So thank you. Welcome along. Yeah, let us know if you're still listening in 6 months.

William 0:25:48 Katie is entering the great how often should you wash your sheets debate, and she's got questions. She says, I love the discussion around fresh sheets, and like William, I, I'd absolutely have clean sheets every other day if I won the lottery. But until that day comes, I'm curious, how often should you actually be changing beds when you've got 3 to do? Can I leave the kids' beds for 2 weeks or longer? It takes me forever to change them because they're bunk beds.

Jordan 0:26:10 Oh, Bunk beds are a nightmare to change.

William 0:26:12 And so awkward to reach. I always prioritise my own bed, but when it comes to the kids' beds, I definitely have less energy. Katie. Katie, I don't know how old your kids are, but I would say if they are 8+, get them to change their own beds at least once a week. And all beds, whether it's your bed, if it's being slept in every night, once a week.

Jordan 0:26:32 My mum hates changing bunk beds. Absolutely maximum.

William 0:26:35 Did she get you to do it?

Jordan 0:26:37 We had bunk beds in every room.

William 0:26:38 But did she get you to do it?

Jordan 0:26:40 No, she used to do it for us.

William 0:26:42 Oh, what did our slave die of?

Jordan 0:26:45 That was her job. Not like that. No, no, not like that. But that's what she used

William 0:26:50 to

Jordan 0:26:50 do.

William 0:26:50 You sexist misogynistic pig.

Jordan 0:26:52 She was always in— we used to have jobs to do, but that was one of hers. That weren't one of ours.

William 0:26:56 And what was yours?

Jordan 0:26:57 Uh, so it was—

William 0:26:58 Rearranging your teddies.

Jordan 0:27:00 Bag and coat had to be hung up as soon as you got in from school.

William 0:27:02 That's not a job. That's just like, you know, just you do that as force of habit.

Jordan 0:27:06 To be fair, we used to have jobs. We used to have little jobs.

William 0:27:09 But I'm asking you to name some.

Jordan 0:27:11 I had to fluff the cushions up every night before I go to bed, which I still do now. Can't go to bed without my cushions all settee being fluffed.

William 0:27:17 Everyone, 1, 2, 3. Gay.

Jordan 0:27:20 How is that gay? Fluffing cushions?

William 0:27:24 Ryan, you go, you know, mow the lawn. Dominic, you do the bins. Jordan, go fluff those cushions. Yes, Mummy. I'll draw the curtains as well. I

Jordan 0:27:49 never thought of that. I used to love fluffing. I mean, I still now, I can't go to bed unless Unless cushions have been fluffed on settee. You can't have it— settee's got to have a blanket and throw over them correctly.

William 0:28:03 Right. God bless you. Finally, following our discussion about the campus modes of transport, Archibald—

Jordan 0:28:09 Archibald?

William 0:28:10 Archibald.

Jordan 0:28:11 Is that a real name?

William 0:28:12 Yes.

Jordan 0:28:12 Is that short for Archie?

William 0:28:14 Yeah. Well, it can be, yeah.

Jordan 0:28:15 What's Archie short for?

William 0:28:16 Archibald.

Jordan 0:28:17 Is it actually?

William 0:28:18 Yeah.

Jordan 0:28:18 Archibald.

William 0:28:19 It might be short for something else as well. Has another travel-related opinion he'd like to get off his chest. Dear Messrs. Hanson and North, I usually write into Mr. Hanson's other podcast, but your discussion on campus modes of transport sent me into such a state of theatrical distress that I simply had to defect.

Jordan 0:28:33 What a great letter.

William 0:28:34 Gentlemen, I stand with you. I'm no holiday snob. I occasionally leave the peaceful sanctuary of my executive villa for a 5-star all-inclusive, as one does when craving a little human interaction. However, I draw the line at the buffet. The moment those silver lids are lifted, civilization packs its Louis Vuitton luggage and departs. There's always someone coughing over the shepherd's pie, another conducting a forensic investigation of the scrambled eggs, and someone creating a plate so mountainous it requires its own postcode. It's not dinner, darling, it's an edible monument to poor decision-making. And the queue? Perfectly respectable adults transform into wild animals at the mere rumour of fresh bacon. Doris from Doncaster is elbowing her way through the crowd like the fate of the nation depends on her final hash brown. So thank you, gentlemen, for proving I'm not alone. I shall continue to occasionally mingle amongst the masses, but should I witness one more person breathing directly onto the profiteroles, I'll be back at my villa faster than you can say adults only. Yours in theatrical despair with impeccable etiquette, Archibald Beaufort Heksley.

Jordan 0:29:30 What a great letter. I mean, one that I disagree with, but a beautifully, beautifully worded letter.

William 0:29:36 There's a buckethead if ever you saw one.

Jordan 0:29:38 Yeah, that's a buckethead for sure.

William 0:29:40 Yeah. Well, I quite agree. Buffets generally, I don't love. The only sort of type of buffets I like is when—

Jordan 0:29:45 You used to love a buffet.

William 0:29:46 I don't— I like a buffet if you're first there and no one's breathed over everything. Or if you want—

Jordan 0:29:52 You were up and down like a bride and knight 2 years ago at a buffet.

William 0:29:55 Where? When?

Jordan 0:29:56 Buffets, when we used to—

William 0:29:57 When we used to where? Where have we gone to a buffet?

Jordan 0:30:00 Breakfast buffets at hotels and stuff.

William 0:30:02 Don't generally love them. You love a buffet. I prefer à la carte.

Jordan 0:30:05 I used to love buffet at Preston. Oh.

William 0:30:07 But I like—

Jordan 0:30:08 Chinese all-you-can-eat buffet.

William 0:30:10 The only way to do a buffet smartly, I think, in hotels is you have someone standing behind the buffet, a waiter, and you sort of point at it and they are serving you. That's nicer.

Jordan 0:30:20 I reckon for a good 5 years in my life, from uni up until maybe a couple of years after, all I did was go to buffets. Do you remember Tay Barnes? Does anyone else remember Tay Barnes? There's one in Wigan called Tay Barnes, right? I used to drive there at least twice a week and it was world buffet. You could get a burger and a wrap.

Speaker E 0:30:38 Yeah, there was one on the corner of Deansgate in Manchester. Yeah. That was incredible.

Jordan 0:30:43 Yes, what was that one called? I used to go there all the time. Was it Buddhas or something?

Speaker E 0:30:48 It wasn't Buddhas.

William 0:30:49 Ocean or something?

Jordan 0:30:50 Yeah, world buffet.

Speaker E 0:30:51 In Manchester, it might have just been called World Buffet. I think it was called World Buffet. It's towards the arena end.

William 0:30:55 Yeah.

Jordan 0:30:55 Oh, I used to love them.

Speaker E 0:30:57 You get them all over, but—

Jordan 0:30:58 In the, um, like early 2010s, they were quite a big thing, buffets, weren't they?

William 0:31:06 Yes.

Jordan 0:31:06 Yeah.

William 0:31:07 Cosmo.

Speaker E 0:31:07 Yes, that was it.

William 0:31:08 Cosmo World Kitchen. Yeah, I remember it.

Speaker E 0:31:10 Cosmo World Kitchen.

William 0:31:11 Never went, but I remember walking past it.

Jordan 0:31:13 I bet you did.

Speaker E 0:31:13 I actually took Kat to that, my wife, uh, Kat, to the Cosmo, and she'd never been to a world buffet before. It's class. It changed her

Jordan 0:31:21 life. There's one in Watford.

Speaker E 0:31:23 Altered her brain chemistry.

Jordan 0:31:25 Look at it now. There's one in Watford and there's this Channel 5 documentary on it. It's class.

Speaker E 0:31:30 Really?

William 0:31:32 Yeah. I thought Channel 5's not great.

Jordan 0:31:33 I'll send you a link.

Speaker E 0:31:34 They ain't done one about you?

William 0:31:35 Not yet. There'll be one about this soon.

Jordan 0:31:38 Were you a talking head on it?

William 0:31:39 Probably.

Jordan 0:31:41 Yeah, probably.

William 0:31:42 The best Channel 5 documentaries are that they did a series years ago on hotels, but they didn't have access to film in any of the hotels, so I had to sit there and talk about various hotels that will be nameless, and they were like, yeah, we're just showing pictures I'm like, and that's a documentary. Someone's commissioned that.

Jordan 0:31:56 All right, let's finish with our comment of the week. This can be a comment from Spotify, YouTube, or any of our socials.

William 0:32:00 So the honourable mentions. Firstly, Louise said, fun fact about the video piracy advert, that it used to be on videos or DVDs. The music was illegally used, apparently.

Jordan 0:32:10 I think that was one of those rumours. Yeah. I think that was one of those rumours.

William 0:32:13 I mean, funny if so.

Jordan 0:32:15 Funny

Speaker E 0:32:15 if so. Who lets the truth get out of— get in the way of a good story?

Jordan 0:32:18 True. Not this podcast.

Speaker E 0:32:19 Not this podcast.

William 0:32:20 Steph said, baby oil is great for removing tough eyeliner. It works every time. I'm sure Jordan has some kicking around you can borrow, William. I have to say, I have been— I've never— very few things have got my DMs popping as much as how to get off eye makeup. I've had so many people send me links to things. So thank you for everyone that sent them. And I'm also not wearing eye makeup anymore, so I sort of don't need it, but you never know. But our comment of the week goes to Sophie, who said, thought Jordan was overreacting about turning 40, but he's already becoming a grumpy old man calling woke Uno.

Jordan 0:32:52 Excuse me. No, do you know, can I just— Sophie, we're all friends here. Thank you for taking time to get in touch and to comment, and thank you for listening. But, uh, can I just say, the amount of people that have DM'd me about Uno is up there with the bisexuals, right? Who was it last week that were DMing me?

Speaker E 0:33:09 You tell me.

Jordan 0:33:11 But can I just say, so many people have DM'd me and messaged me about Uno saying Uno's— just stick to the old one. Apparently there's Uno Rapid or something it's called, innit? What is it?

Speaker E 0:33:21 There's all sorts of Uno.

William 0:33:22 Well, Uno generally is pretty rapid.

Jordan 0:33:24 No, there's a— there's Uno Fire or something. There's another Uno. Google it, Ben. But can I just say, lots of people have said, yes, Jordan, power to the people. If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Speaker E 0:33:34 Liars Uno, Uno No Mercy.

Jordan 0:33:37 Uno No Mercy, that's the one.

Speaker E 0:33:38 Are we playing Uno at the barbecue on Saturday? Yeah, I am actually.

Jordan 0:33:41 Oh, and we're gonna have a game of Mexican Trains.

William 0:33:43 We're gonna have Uno Burger, Uno Sausage, Uno Corn on the Cob.

Jordan 0:33:47 Remember, you can listen to new episodes Every Tuesday and Friday and 20— very, very good— and 24 hours before anywhere else on Global Player. If you wanna get in touch about something that isn't a dilemma or a problem, drop into our DMs or send us an email to help@sexwithmyboss.com. We also love hearing back from people we offer advice to, so if that's you, get back in touch. It's just dawned on me why my mum made me do the cushions. Never thought of that. See you on Tuesday.

Speaker E 0:34:15 Bye.