Help I’ve Borrowed My Neighbour’s Toys | And Double Moustaches

Jordan 0:01:17 How long you had them on for?

Speaker D 0:01:27 Ages.

Jordan 0:01:28 I did not notice them.

Ben 0:01:30 We're wearing fake moustaches that are sort of of a Mexican persuasion, I'd say.

Jordan 0:01:34 Stu's looks really fit, actually, don't he? Oh,

William 0:01:38 Sophia, come here.

Jordan 0:01:38 How long have you had that on for? Has Jack got one on, or is that a real one? Even Izzy looks good. Hear me out, you all look way better.

Ben 0:01:48 I think the lesson from this is how unattentive Jordan is. Like, what an incredible— We've been sat here for 10 minutes. Well, I was doing— Nearly ruined the joke.

Jordan 0:01:57 I was doing, I was doing me prep that you not all say I don't do. Hello and welcome to Help, I Sexted My Boss, the podcast where we help you navigate the challenges of modern life, answering your 21st century questions and finding solutions to everyday dilemmas like what should you do when your facial hair becomes a matter of national debate? Or, how do you tell your dad you've seen his testicles on Twitter? And what should you do if you've accidentally sexted your boss? But we're not usual agony aunts, are we? William Hanson.

William 0:02:32 No, we're not, Jordan North. I'm more cream of the crop. You're more corner shop. And that's from Josh.

Jordan 0:02:38 Thank you very much for that. I'll take that. I'll take that. Big up the corner shops of this great country.

William 0:02:42 Or, as we learned recently, as they're called in New York, bodegas.

Jordan 0:02:45 Bodegas.

William 0:02:46 Yes.

Jordan 0:02:46 Just the shops, you know, you know the ones you go in. They call you boss man. You go in at 11 o'clock at night in your flip-flops.

William 0:02:53 In your flip-flops.

Jordan 0:02:53 For a bottle of vodka, and they don't judge, and none of them judge. And ours, I call the everything store. You can literally walk in there, right? It's a corner shop, and this poor fella, he works— do you know what, I don't even know his name. I should get his name. I've been there a year now. He must work 18-hour days. He's always open. You can go in for— oh, my tin opener broke. I went in on a Sunday, tin opener in there, J-cloths. Padlocks. They've got all sorts. Leather gloves, rope, you name it. You name it.

William 0:03:24 Just the standard nice jewellery shop.

Jordan 0:03:26 Honest to God, you just go in and they've got— I went in for origami the other week. Of course he had origami.

William 0:03:31 Origami?

Jordan 0:03:31 I were craving some, I were craving some—

William 0:03:33 I think you've combined Japanese paper clay and a herb all in one.

Jordan 0:03:37 I were craving some, um, rice pudding the other day after me tea. Of course he had it in. So, big up the little corner shops anyway.

William 0:03:45 Yes, big them up.

Jordan 0:03:47 Yeah. Yes, boss. Yes, boss. Have we got any—

William 0:03:49 Now, we should say, for those that are listening, as we— you might have heard at the start of this episode, we're all wearing Jordan North-inspired moustaches.

Jordan 0:03:58 I think you all look—

William 0:04:00 Well, some with better—

Jordan 0:04:01 20 times better, especially you, Ben.

William 0:04:03 Is this cultural appropriation now?

Jordan 0:04:06 Probably not.

William 0:04:06 Are we going to get cancelled?

Jordan 0:04:07 Ben's does look the best, I'd

Ben 0:04:10 say. I think it's giving YMCA. What are they called?

William 0:04:13 Yes. The Village People. People did say last week that you did look a bit like the Village People, like you were a member of the Village People, which I've been saying for years.

Jordan 0:04:21 It's just a summer thing. That's how— I'm sick of talking about it.

Ben 0:04:25 William's come dressed as a cowboy as well, weirdly.

William 0:04:27 I've come dressed as a cowboy.

Jordan 0:04:28 You are a bit cowboy-ish.

William 0:04:29 I didn't have a mirror when I stuck mine on. In fact, I nearly actually put it the other way around. Can I remove it, please?

Jordan 0:04:36 Yes, of course.

William 0:04:36 Because I'm not having it.

Jordan 0:04:37 Can I just say, it's not me that's making it part of my personality. You guys. Everyone else is talking about it.

William 0:04:44 Jordan, it's all you were going on about last week. You were doing, whoa, and all that.

Jordan 0:04:47 I weren't! Shut up and make a drink. Come on.

William 0:04:49 Tell you what, I'm gonna put it on the D.

Jordan 0:04:52 The pigeon part.

William 0:04:53 Debonnet can have a little moustache. There.

Jordan 0:04:57 Debonnet there with the old funny tickler.

William 0:05:00 Would you like to pour the gin and I'll do the ice?

Jordan 0:05:02 Yes.

William 0:05:04 Yes, thank you very much.

Jordan 0:05:04 What goes in first?

William 0:05:06 It doesn't really matter, but I think it is gin and Debonnet, so maybe the gin.

Jordan 0:05:10 Oh, I usually do.

William 0:05:12 Do you? You just don't care, do you? Maverick. Anyway, how have you been, love?

Jordan 0:05:16 Oh, I'm good. I am good. How are you? Well, it's been an up and down week.

William 0:05:21 Oh no.

Jordan 0:05:22 I went for a— I had a day of culture yesterday.

William 0:05:26 A day of culture?

Jordan 0:05:28 I was told that—

William 0:05:29 You watched BBC Four?

Jordan 0:05:30 Even better. Apparently, just coming home and watching reruns of Modern Family, I needed to have a day of culture. So I went to some art expeditions.

William 0:05:37 Yeah, exhibition. Lovely. Where did you go?

Jordan 0:05:41 So, I won't name names because art's subjective. Well, I went to the David Hockney one.

William 0:05:48 Okay. Well, he needs a plug.

Jordan 0:05:50 And I enjoyed that. It was a year in Normandy. He did it all on his iPad.

William 0:05:55 Oh, yes. No, I've heard this about him now because I think he's quite ill, so he just does it on his iPad.

Jordan 0:06:00 He's dead. William, he's dead. Is he? Yeah. He died about a month ago. Ah,

William 0:06:10 bad of my wife not replying to my DMs.

Jordan 0:06:11 Um, we, we should toast.

William 0:06:13 We should toast. We should toast David Hockney, but also to, um, Beth and Rick via Lisa, who said Beth is a lifelong Sex Ed fan and has been listening for years. She is a self-proclaimed Diego superfan, uh, which you want to look after him. We even came to see you live and shared her iconic dilemma about ending up naked in a hotel corridor and worrying that everyone thought she was a hooker. So I feel like she deserves a mention for that alone. She and Rick got engaged earlier this year and are getting married on Mad Friday in December, which feels like the most Sex Ed-approved wedding date possible.

Jordan 0:06:43 Great date.

William 0:06:44 The best part is that Rick is basically Jordan in real life, which is hilarious because Jordan has always been Beth's dream man. My family and I even call him Pickle Rick. Don't ask. So please give them a toast for me. They're huge fans and would absolutely make their day if you could say good luck with their wedding planning. Well, Beth and Rick, via Lisa. Good luck. And David Hockney. And the late David Hockney. So when— Do you remember we killed Barry Manilow once inadvertently? He's still alive.

Jordan 0:07:09 Oh yeah, I thought he was dead.

William 0:07:10 And you announced, I think, that he was dead.

Jordan 0:07:12 Anyway, so I went, right, and it's in Hyde Park, innit? The Serpentine, they call it.

William 0:07:19 Serpentine. Wait, you see, you say Serpentine correctly.

Jordan 0:07:21 So I'm walking around, and I realise that you just have to say one word when someone asks you about a piece of art. And it makes you sound really fancy. So, you look in and they go, what do you think? You just go, riveting.

William 0:07:34 I'd say that sounds— Patrick, that sounds sarcastic.

Jordan 0:07:38 That's all I said. And I was there and this old lady went, it's making me feel thrilled, excited. I went, riveting.

William 0:07:49 I don't know if that comes across like you think it's coming across.

Jordan 0:07:53 And then, Someone else, it was pointed out, went, look at the different techniques he's used. It's like, it's like he's used 2 different art techniques in one painting. I was like, absolutely riveting. Honestly, I was like, thank God the 40 Seasons start next week. That's all I'm gonna say.

William 0:08:12 Oh God.

Jordan 0:08:13 Then we went to another expedition—

William 0:08:15 exhibition—

Jordan 0:08:15 because they don't charge you as well, so you just go in. And this was very, uh, what's the word? How would you put it? You'd put, uh, contemporary.

William 0:08:24 Okay, well, I mean, David Hockney on an iPad's pretty contemporary.

Jordan 0:08:27 All I'm gonna say is that it wasn't for me, and I won't name them because they might be listening. All I'll say is I thought it was very GCSE. The hands— well, I can draw better hands than her, right?

William 0:08:38 Oh, I know who it was.

Jordan 0:08:40 And then, no, and then like, it was somewhere like, you know, when Yeah, people had GCSE art and used to hang it out in the hallway.

William 0:08:50 In the art hallway. Have a break.

Jordan 0:08:53 Um, but there were just other bits where it just looked like she'd mushed it in with her hands.

William 0:09:00 She probably had.

Jordan 0:09:01 And it was, and it was apparently, it was, it was a, it was a picture of an orgy. And I'm like—

William 0:09:05 Picture of an orgy?

Jordan 0:09:06 Well, image and all that. I can't see anyone shagging.

Ben 0:09:09 What did that make you feel?

Jordan 0:09:10 Riveting. Absolutely. I'm just watching and people look at them for ages. And people are there going, staring at him. I'm like, we're going pub now, what? So I had a good day of culture.

William 0:09:23 Oh, it sounds like it.

Jordan 0:09:24 Yeah, it was a really good day of culture.

Ben 0:09:26 William, do you have any thoughts on like how you, how you could sort of respond beyond just saying riveting when you're looking at art?

Jordan 0:09:33 They just look like, you know, when, you know, when nursery kids bring home pictures?

William 0:09:37 Yeah.

Jordan 0:09:37 And the mums put it on fridge, it's just all mushed in with their hands. It was that. And in fact, I Googled it, one of them worth half a million quid. And she's got— and it was called The Sanskrit Orgy. I'm like— and I'm going, what's going on there? It's like a big orgy.

William 0:09:52 There's a lot of narrative storytelling, I think, with art to bump up the price.

Jordan 0:09:55 Anyone shagging there? Just mushed it in. Anyway.

William 0:09:59 Yeah, I mean, I don't know much about art. I mean, I feel in the last 5 minutes I know more about art than others, but I would say Really what I look for is a frame that doesn't gather dust. That's what I like in art. Just if you're going to have something at home, not too intricate, because then when you're dusting it, you don't get the dust gathering in the corners. So I'm more, more interested in the frames, to be perfectly honest, which I always think are underrated.

Jordan 0:10:22 I, I like the frames as well. But if, like me, you are quite uncultured— apparently it's going to be a weekly thing now as well. Fuck my life.

William 0:10:30 Um, oh, I'm being taken around art galleries on a Wednesday.

Jordan 0:10:34 So

William 0:10:34 really puts those living in poverty in shame.

Jordan 0:10:36 Oh no, don't say it like that. But, um, if you go to art galleries and like me you're a bit uneducated about the arts and don't really know much, just say— honestly, just say riveting, but say it softly. Just go—

William 0:10:48 No, but riveting is a sarcastic word.

Jordan 0:10:51 Riveting. Say it like that. Whisper riveting and people think you know your shit. Paid £40 for a friggin— actually, it was reduced— £30 for a bloody coffee table book as well. Don't get me started on them either. What's the point in coffee table books? Who's going to come in your house, have a coffee, and read through that?

William 0:11:07 Do you not have coffee table books?

Jordan 0:11:08 I've got loads. But no one reads them. I've had people over.

William 0:11:11 No, but they're there to sort of tell guests who you are as a person. We've— I will take a picture. I will take a picture of my coffee table books. I have a selection of them.

Jordan 0:11:23 You have a lot.

William 0:11:23 And I rotate. I curate my coffee table books.

Jordan 0:11:26 I've got an Obama one.

William 0:11:27 Right.

Jordan 0:11:27 Yeah.

William 0:11:28 Ooh!

Jordan 0:11:29 I've got an Ant and Dec one. And I've got a Burnley one.

William 0:11:32 You've got all bases covered, really.

Jordan 0:11:34 No, it's— yeah.

Ben 0:11:35 It's your dream dinner party, isn't it?

Jordan 0:11:37 But then I've got a cool one that I got for my birthday, actually, and it's a famous photographer. It's really cool. Called? From the '80s.

William 0:11:45 Snowden?

Jordan 0:11:47 Can't remember. There's a celebrity on the front of it in black and white.

Ben 0:11:51 Litchfield? Kate Moss. Coffee Table Book Club.

Jordan 0:11:55 Coffee Table Book Club

Ben 0:11:57 edition. There

Jordan 0:11:57 you go.

Ben 0:11:58 Featuring William and Jordan.

Jordan 0:11:59 Anyway, how's your week been? Have you been cultured like me?

William 0:12:02 Well, I haven't been— I've been horticultured. See what I did there? Because— do you know what that means?

Jordan 0:12:06 No.

William 0:12:07 Okay. You like gardening? Let me show you a picture of my cucumber. It's my first cucumber I've grown. We talked about growing cucumbers, I think quite recently. Look at— I mean, it's in my hand. Look at that.

Jordan 0:12:21 Have you grown that?

William 0:12:24 I have grown that.

Jordan 0:12:25 That's so cool. It's quite healthy.

Ben 0:12:28 That is girthy.

William 0:12:29 Thank you very much.

Ben 0:12:30 I didn't know you had it in you.

Jordan 0:12:32 That's so cool.

William 0:12:34 I put it in a salad, so actually it is in me now.

Ben 0:12:37 Did you cut it up before putting it in the salad?

William 0:12:40 Yes, I mean, I cut— well, I was gonna say you can't take that whole, but— How many inches is it? I haven't measured it yet. I'm thinking that's— I'd say that's probably 7, but it's very thick.

Jordan 0:12:51 Any more? For any more? Any more?

William 0:12:55 But so my friend Luke gave us a cucumber plant that was literally only a few weeks That was this big, and it is absolutely ginormous on the, the whole plant on the terrace now. And it's— that was our first cucumber, and I was so proud.

Jordan 0:13:08 I, I— you should be proud of that. It's very cute.

William 0:13:10 It's very tasty.

Jordan 0:13:11 Yeah, bring some in for us next time.

William 0:13:14 There is it next to a potato peeler for size comparison. It's quite a big potato peeler. There's it without the potato peeler. So anyway.

Jordan 0:13:23 We'll put that picture up on our Instagram, um, grid, and you can watch it there. Carousel, whatever they call it. Yes. Um, I, I had a bit of a run-in as well this week.

William 0:13:32 Oh.

Jordan 0:13:32 So from art galleries, I'm getting ready for bed, about 20 to 9, um, getting ready for bed. I'm on toilet and I hear this massive smash crash. Some lad on one of those Lime bikes had gone into back of my car, right? And I went, shit, someone's gone into car on a Lime bike! And then I jumped off the toilet, right, ran down, and he was, he was only like 18, 19, to be fair. and he's caused a bit of damage. So I'm running out, he heard me from window, looked up, got on the bike and ran off. I chased him halfway down the street.

William 0:14:10 Lavatory paper flying behind you.

Jordan 0:14:12 In just me shorts. And then all neighbours come out because all neighbours heard it as well. To be fair, because he was so young, I wouldn't like— I wouldn't have bloody— I would— I'm more worried if he were all right. So then I'm like off chasing him, literally just in shorts. He's done quite a lot of damage to the back of my car as well. No shit. Um, but also I want to know he's all right because he were only a young lad. Um, then all neighbours come out, then next-door neighbours come out, and then one of them's saying, I might have a door cam. And all the while I'm thinking, I've not wiped me bum.

William 0:14:40 2 messy backsides.

Jordan 0:14:48 And I'm thinking, oh shit, I've still not wiped me bum. So I'm like trying to get in and then Someone's trying to show me doorbell footage. I'm thinking, I really need to wipe me bum now, it's got a cake. So, it was a real— I'm like, all right, well, look, I'm going to go up now and wipe me bum. And then, but yeah.

William 0:15:19 Lovely.

Jordan 0:15:19 So, that's what happened to me.

William 0:15:20 So, you don't have this guy's details and insurance?

Jordan 0:15:23 I don't. And then everyone's apparently said, They— you're not gonna find him. So yeah.

Ben 0:15:27 Have you seen what happened? Like, did he just ram into the— like, what happened?

Jordan 0:15:31 Uh, I kind of half seen it anyway because I could see it from my bathroom.

William 0:15:36 Okay, can you see it from the loo? From sitting on the loo?

Jordan 0:15:38 Kind of, yeah.

Ben 0:15:39 And he just cracked— he just drove into the back?

Jordan 0:15:41 Yeah, and then he heard me shout. I went, someone's gone into back of fucking car! I'm trying to put me shorts up, ran out literally just in that, and then he's like heard me from window, got on and just ran off. Old neighbours trying to be neighbourly, and there we are, shitty arse.

William 0:15:58 Can I also just on another update, and actually maybe this would have prevented you from seeing the accident. Can we have an update on your blind? Because you were going blind shopping recently.

Jordan 0:16:07 No, that's right. That's the same window.

William 0:16:09 But are you— so have you ordered one yet?

Jordan 0:16:11 No.

William 0:16:11 Oh, why not?

Jordan 0:16:12 It's on the list. It's on the list.

William 0:16:14 I thought you were going blind shopping.

Jordan 0:16:15 No, I know I need to, but it's on the list.

William 0:16:18 Okay.

Jordan 0:16:18 That and the ADHD test and everything else. There's a few.

William 0:16:22 Well, I prioritise one of them. Well, speaking of loos, I actually wanted to talk about lavatory paper or loo roll, whatever you want to call it. Oh, okay. Not toilet tissue. I can't stand it. I don't like the toilet word anyway, but toilet tissue sounds a bit affected.

Jordan 0:16:34 Where are you with bog roll?

William 0:16:35 No. I mean, I'd rather that than toilet tissue.

Jordan 0:16:38 See, I— yeah, I get bog roll. Know where bog roll is? It's just what I grew up with.

William 0:16:44 Yeah. But why does loo roll, lavatory paper, insert as applicable, why is now everything— it's got patterns, little dogs on it, like little waves. You used to be able to get just plain loo roll with nothing on it. Everywhere now, everything has to have some sort of quilting or effect. Have you not noticed this? Because it annoys me. I just want plain loo roll, but you cannot, for love nor money, in any supermarket, find plain loo roll, whatever material it's made from.

Jordan 0:17:16 I think you might be right, actually, 'cause I get mine—

William 0:17:18 I am right.

Jordan 0:17:19 I get mine on perscript— not prescription.

William 0:17:21 Subscription.

Jordan 0:17:22 Subscription.

William 0:17:23 Yeah, so do we. And it's sort of— it's plain-ish, but it's still got a pattern. I just want plain loo roll.

Jordan 0:17:28 Yeah.

William 0:17:28 Why can't we go back to having plain loo roll?

Jordan 0:17:30 Or does anyone— do you remember that old yellowy one that was really quilted? Yellow? It was like— nanas had it. It was so nice on your bum. It was so nice on your arse.

William 0:17:42 Honestly, it was yellow.

Jordan 0:17:43 It was like wiping your ring with a cloud, and only Nana's had it. It were like, it like yellowy, like an off-white yellow colour, and it was like triple—

Ben 0:17:54 What colour was it?

Jordan 0:17:55 Triple quilted. And I remember my grandma saying to me, Vera, no longer with us, she was like, when you get to my age, you spend good money on toilet paper. And I remember her telling me that, and she used to buy no-frills everything but toilet paper she spent good money on. I think it might probably have directed some of that, but—

William 0:18:11 My, not Etiquette Granny, but my other grandmother used to have a little flamenco woman that went— the skirt went over the spare loo roll on top of the cistern. It was so common. But they had that. And they were doing it ironically. It was this yellow thing. I can still see it. But it was always very weird.

Jordan 0:18:25 My grandma, I think my grandma had a Tetley Tea woman.

William 0:18:28 Yeah.

Jordan 0:18:29 Do you remember the Tetley Tea woman?

William 0:18:30 We should maybe bring back ironic loo roll covers. Maybe we should create our own William and Jordan loo roll.

Jordan 0:18:36 A cistern one.

William 0:18:36 And you can stick a loo roll up us.

Jordan 0:18:37 I will keep a lookout for that.

William 0:18:40 Yeah. I

Jordan 0:18:40 will keep a lookout. But

William 0:18:41 please, if anyone knows of literally plain, good quality, not 2-ply— I mean, we're going back to tissue chat from the other week— but 3-ply loo roll minimum that is just plain white, not yellow, please let me know because I would love to go for that.

Jordan 0:18:56 Okay. Yeah, do get such—

William 0:18:57 Just want a plain loo roll.

Jordan 0:18:58 Just— why? Do you not like the ridges or something?

William 0:19:00 I don't like it.

Jordan 0:19:01 You're very sensitive down there.

William 0:19:02 No, I'm not. It's not sensitive. I just don't like how it looks on the roll holder.

Jordan 0:19:06 Oh, well, no one's going to go in and think, oh, they've got—

William 0:19:08 I just want a plain— hotels manage to have it. Hotels haven't necessarily— not all hotels have gone quilted, so it's clearly available, but just not domestically. Anyway, that's my contribution. The other thing I want to just check is, I know you have yours turned off, and some people do, some people don't, but you know when it goes to 2 blue ticks where it says read, and at the time, whatever message service, do you say read receipts or read receipts? Because obviously it's spelt the same, but some people call them read receipts. I've always called them read receipts, but I actually have a feeling I might be wrong, and it's read receipts.

Jordan 0:19:39 Read receipts.

William 0:19:40 Because someone has read it, so thus it is a receipt that it has been read, not that it has been read.

Jordan 0:19:46 No, I see.

William 0:19:47 But I say read receipts. What do you say, Ben?

Ben 0:19:49 Read receipts. I mean, it's not something that's coming into my sort of vernacular every day.

William 0:19:53 Well, it has now.

Ben 0:19:54 But I'm glad that you've brought it up.

William 0:19:56 Jackie Chops, what do you say? Read. Read. Izzy? Read receipts. Read receipts. What do you say?

Jordan 0:20:02 It's true.

William 0:20:03 Read. Sophia? Read. Read. You see?

Ben 0:20:06 Oh, it's the name of the business!

Jordan 0:20:07 Explanations, please! Fair play. I thought— I just read it as read receipts.

Ben 0:20:09 I assumed it was read.

William 0:20:11 Well, I think it probably should be, 'cause grammatically—

Ben 0:20:12 She's like, I'm shooting over

Jordan 0:20:13 there. Read receipts.

William 0:20:15 We don't need any more read.

Jordan 0:20:16 Okay. Oh, don't get 'em started. They've only just started coming round to this studio. I'm not having any more read.

Ben 0:20:21 It's the read studio.

Jordan 0:20:23 Read, read. I've never thought about it.

William 0:20:26 I wonder— we'll do a William Hansons.

Jordan 0:20:28 Who has as much time on your hands as you?

Ben 0:20:29 He's just finished a real am-dram production, hasn't he? So he needs something to do.

William 0:20:35 Am-dram production.

Jordan 0:20:42 I've not really thought about that, but look, if there's any toilet paper that's plain and you see read or read receipts, then do let us know.

William 0:20:49 Yes. Send me a message and I might read it.

Jordan 0:20:52 Are you all ready for the Sexted slash—

William 0:20:56 Help I Sexted My Capital Breakfast Barbecue?

Jordan 0:20:58 Oh, that's a great name!

William 0:21:01 Well, it's all this time I've got on my hands to think about it.

Jordan 0:21:03 Are you ready for the Help I Sexted My Boss Capital— Help I Sexted My Capital Breakfast Show barbecue on Saturday? Yes. I'm— Right, okay.

William 0:21:11 Like a course. I'm gonna bring my cucumber.

Jordan 0:21:12 Yeah, do! Bring some cucumber. I'll put it in the salad.

William 0:21:15 We're gonna play Hide the Cucumber.

Jordan 0:21:16 Oh, great! What a great game.

William 0:21:19 Yes.

Jordan 0:21:19 Just be careful with some people, it might pickle. I'm not mentioning any names. No. Look, 2:30 start.

William 0:21:30 2:30 now?

Ben 0:21:30 It's moved back half an hour.

William 0:21:31 I thought it was 2.

Jordan 0:21:33 Was it?

William 0:21:33 It's 2 in my diary.

Jordan 0:21:34 No, it's 2:30.

William 0:21:36 Okay.

Ben 0:21:37 We'll be there by 3.

William 0:21:38 We'll call it 3, shall we?

Jordan 0:21:39 No, no, no, 2:30. Dentist time. 2:30. 2's a bit early, innit? Oh, I'll find out.

William 0:21:45 So is it a lunch or a dinner?

Jordan 0:21:46 It's a barbecue!

William 0:21:48 Yeah, great. That's the method of cooking.

Jordan 0:21:49 Probably not gonna— the barbecue probably won't be ready till about 4.

William 0:21:52 Right, I'll have lunch.

Jordan 0:21:52 Yeah, have lunch. Don't come hungry. Okay. But don't come—

William 0:21:56 I'll have brunch. Tell you what, I'll have brunch, 'cause we're gonna have linner, aren't we? Basically. A lunch dinner.

Jordan 0:22:01 It'll be about 3, 4 o'clock.

William 0:22:03 Yeah, linner.

Jordan 0:22:04 Nobody ever says that.

William 0:22:06 Dunche.

Jordan 0:22:07 Just let you know, 'cause there's 22 people coming. Just, you want sausage? And the dog, one sausage, one burger, one corn on the cob, one chicken each. Don't show me.

William 0:22:16 God, it's like World War II.

Ben 0:22:17 Goodness me, the TV work has dried up, hasn't it?

Jordan 0:22:22 Yeah. So that's just— It's got to be—

Ben 0:22:25 surely it's got to be 2 sausages each.

Jordan 0:22:27 Surely that's how it is. One burger for Ben.

William 0:22:28 What happens if I don't want a burger and chicken?

Jordan 0:22:30 Well, you can swap amongst yourselves, but I haven't freaking got it. This is why I'm telling you all now and I'm briefing you up, and don't be showing me up in front of them lot. So it's one burger, one sausage each. If you take someone else's burger, if you take an extra burger, you're gonna take someone else's house. Wait till seconds. I will offer seconds. Salad, go easy, because I'm only doing one big one. I'm not making more salad.

William 0:22:49 That's why I'm gonna bring my cucumbers.

Ben 0:22:50 Do you want us to like bring potluck stuff?

William 0:22:53 Yeah.

Jordan 0:22:54 No.

William 0:22:54 Why don't we cater it for you?

Jordan 0:22:56 You can. I mean, what you thinking?

Ben 0:22:57 Well, to be honest with you, I thought it was gonna be fully catered, but if you need that—

Jordan 0:23:01 No, I'm not like him. I'm not getting caterers in. I'm actually doing some work.

William 0:23:04 Excuse me, I don't cater my own. I cater my own barbecues.

Jordan 0:23:07 Anyway, bring a bit of booze, but bring ice because you can never have enough ice, right? If you've got ice, because then you can never have enough. Bring ice.

Ben 0:23:15 I'll bring a couple of bags, although it'd be hard with Diego because I can't go into a shop.

William 0:23:18 Well, we could meet up and I can hold Diego outside the shop. Go into the everything shop, it's got everything.

Jordan 0:23:25 No, don't go into the everything shop because there'll be none in there because I would have been in in the morning. So get ice before you get to mine because I would have cleared all the—

William 0:23:32 You mean on, on the hot sweaty tube?

Jordan 0:23:34 One sausage, One burger, one corn on the cob, one piece of chicken. Salad, don't go mad. Potato salad, don't go mad. Coleslaw, don't go mad. Brownies for afters, again, one each. If you want to bring your own booze, you're more than welcome, but we have got loads there. I've got a big beer ordering.

Ben 0:23:50 Will there be Pimm's or spritzes?

Jordan 0:23:52 We're doing Russian mules, Moscow mules, but I don't know if you're allowed to do that now because of Putin. So do you know what, we're doing Ukraine rules mules or whatever they're called.

William 0:24:01 You're doing Chicken Kievs.

Jordan 0:24:04 Yeah, we're doing— no, gonna do Ukraine mules, as we're calling them.

William 0:24:09 Right.

Jordan 0:24:10 Because, yeah.

William 0:24:11 And what is that? What's the alcohol in that?

Jordan 0:24:13 Vodka.

William 0:24:13 Oh, I don't like vodka.

Jordan 0:24:15 You do, you love a vodka. No, I don't.

William 0:24:17 Gin martini. I'm just gonna say the Sexton team after-party at mine. I knew that would wind you up.

Jordan 0:24:25 Uh, got in a new subwoofer as well, so we'll get the tunes out.

Ben 0:24:29 That's— What's his name? Woof woof.

William 0:24:33 Subwoofer. Diego's a bit of a subwoofer.

Jordan 0:24:34 I'll be there, Jules. I'll be there. I'm vegetarian, remember? I'm a very vegetarian dog, so I will be there, but I'll have a little bit of sausage under the table if you want to sneak me some.

Ben 0:24:47 Can I check one thing? Because obviously there is— that what we haven't discussed is the fact that it's 2 separate teams coming.

William 0:24:53 Is there going to be a divide?

Ben 0:24:54 Do you have any ideas for bridging the divide? Because I feel like that's an important element of the podcast. We can't have it like a school disco with boys over here, girls over there.

Jordan 0:25:03 I've

Ben 0:25:03 got a

Jordan 0:25:03 perfect way, right? And it involves me. Just go in, especially Callum. I want Callum, executive producer Callum, and executive producer Ben, and chairman emeritus Stu, just go, fucking Jordan's a nightmare, innit? And then that'll be it.

William 0:25:22 Oh well, we will.

Jordan 0:25:23 And you can all just slag me off to the avonds. Like, Jack can go over to Jimmy and be like, hates new ideas, don't he? And like, just slag him off to me. You can go over to Izzy, you can go over to Maddie who does our socials and be like, fucking nightmare with clips, innit? Says something on the radio but don't want you to clip it up on social media. Can all slag me off. And then you—

William 0:25:45 Sean and Chris.

Jordan 0:25:46 Sean and Chris, yeah, you can all have a field day. My ears might be burning, but I'll probably think it's from the barbecue.

William 0:25:52 So will the sausages be.

Jordan 0:25:53 So there you go.

William 0:25:54 Okay, that's a lovely idea.

Jordan 0:25:57 me off together and how much of a nightmare I am, even though again this week I brought in snacks.

Ben 0:26:01 We wouldn't be doing that. Of course we wouldn't be doing that.

William 0:26:04 Not in front of you.

Ben 0:26:05 No, that would be at William's after-party.

William 0:26:07 Listen, I've got cucumbers and I've got a barbecue and more than one sausage each. You know, what more do you need for a good time? You of course can't come to my little soiree in September because you're doing Doncaster races.

Jordan 0:26:25 Which is just—

William 0:26:27 which is hilarious because I didn't realize— of course, I didn't get as far as being given the date for Doncaster Races when they were considering having me, so I didn't know that that was the date.

Jordan 0:26:35 I don't know if we've mentioned it, it was, it was part of one of the sketches on tour, but William got asked to do Doncaster Races. I think we have mentioned that on the podcast.

William 0:26:41 I submitted my music and

Jordan 0:26:43 they said

William 0:26:44 maybe next year.

Jordan 0:26:45 But me and William have the same agent, so he's pulled the blinder and said, how about Jordan?

William 0:26:49 Yeah.

Jordan 0:26:49 And he's cheaper. Yes. So I've got the gig. Now ultimately, William's having his September Soiree.

William 0:26:56 And you're unavailable.

Jordan 0:26:59 The invite came through. It said, what was it? It was drinks.

William 0:27:03 Tasty little morsels.

Jordan 0:27:04 Drinks, twinks, and—

William 0:27:06 It did not say twinks.

Jordan 0:27:07 Drinks, twinks, and after— what was it? Drinks, twinks, and—

William 0:27:11 Executive nibbles.

Jordan 0:27:12 Executive nibbles, it said. So, yeah.

William 0:27:15 Well, we're going to light a candle for you.

Jordan 0:27:17 Thanks.

William 0:27:17 Because last time we did one, Patricia Routledge had just died, so we had a little lighting of a candle for her. This year, we're gonna light the same candle and sort of all be quiet and think of you.

Jordan 0:27:27 And tell all the West London twinks I said hello.

William 0:27:29 I shall do, yes. Should we go on to a Jolly Joke of the Week?

Jordan 0:27:33 Let's do it. Cue the jingle.

Speaker D 0:27:35 If you like a chap who's cheeky and northern, you're in for a treat with our Jordan. And if a giggle is what you seek, you're sure to love Jordan's Jolly Joke of the Week.

Jordan 0:27:52 This week's Jolly Joke of the Week is from Gareth Barringer via Gen Z Izzy.

William 0:27:58 Gareth Barringer, that's a lovely name.

Jordan 0:28:00 Yeah. What do you call a northern sarcastic cowboy?

William 0:28:03 Jordan North.

Jordan 0:28:04 I'll tell you the punchline after the break.

Jordan 0:30:57 All right, Gene Divas, thanks for sticking with us. It's now time for Jordan's Jolly Joke of the Week. This one is from Gareth Barringer via Gen Z Izzy, who works on the team. What do you call a northern sarcastic cowboy?

William 0:31:10 I don't know.

Jordan 0:31:11 Tex piss. Tex piss.

William 0:31:15 That's funny, I like that.

Jordan 0:31:17 Now it's time for your questions and dilemmas. Remember, if you need our help with something, then get in touch. You can send your tales of trepidation to help@sexandmyboss.com, or you can DM us. We're @sexandmyboss on the socials.

William 0:31:28 Our first dilemma is from Jake. Hello, William, Jordan, and producer Ben. I love Big Willy, and Jord's all right, I guess. I've got a dilemma, and I'd love each of your perspectives. I rent out spare rooms in my house. Spare rooms, gosh. And one of my tenants moved out in October 2025. It's now the end of July 2026, and the old codger is still having all his posts sent to my house. I have so many thoughts on this already. Fair enough for a couple of weeks, but it's now been 10 months. Letters keep arriving, parcels keep arriving. Some weeks I've got multiple boxes piled up on the stairs, and I've nearly gone arse over tit tripping over them. Every time I see him, I'm polite. Every time he says, I'm sorting something out, he's clearly not. So here's my dilemma: do I start returning everything to the sender, or do I keep accepting it and hope he eventually sorts himself out? Your advice would be much appreciated. Yours faithfully, Jake and Dog. Reporting live from the big green window cleaning machine somewhere in Eastbourne, otherwise known as God's waiting room. Eastbourne is, um, known for an older demographic.

Jordan 0:32:25 Oh

William 0:32:26 yes,

Jordan 0:32:27 also for tits, a great saying as well. No, I, I probably should take this moment to apologise to all the previous places I've lived because this must be me. I never— You never change address. Oh, I, I didn't think this was a thing, but I remember once someone sent it to me and it was a big wad of— I don't even open post now.

William 0:32:48 What?

Jordan 0:32:49 I know, I never open—

William 0:32:50 Do you not get fan mail? No, I suppose not.

Jordan 0:32:52 So I probably should apologise to everyone that's lived in all the places previous. Apologise.

William 0:32:59 Right. Can I just say to everyone, especially when you're moving house, a Royal Mail redirect is one of the best things on Earth. It is not that expensive. You can do it for a month, 3 months, 6 months, a year. I've actually just renewed ours because we're coming up to a year in our current house. So I've just renewed it for 6 months just to take us through Christmas, in case there are any Christmas cards that go astray and people have lost our new address. But the previous occupants of our house, who are gorgeous, lovely people, did not bother to do a Royal Mail redirect. And it has been an absolute nightmare. To begin with, to be fair, they only went—

Jordan 0:33:29 Spin it!

William 0:33:30 No, because— no, because some of them were clearly like bank cards and things. I'm like, why have you not told your bank you have moved house?

Jordan 0:33:36 Who does that?

William 0:33:38 Who tells their bank they've moved house? Yeah, who does? Who's got time?

Jordan 0:33:41 Time for all— see, this is you, because this is— because this is gonna—

William 0:33:44 When you move house, almost the first person you tell other than the Land Registry is the bank.

Jordan 0:33:49 Who's the Land Registry? I don't— I don't— I moved a year ago and I've not told my bank until— let's get me new bank account.

William 0:33:57 What do you mean you've not told your bank?

Jordan 0:33:58 Well, why do you need to tell them? Who's got time to ring the bank up and go, hiya, yeah, yeah, no, it's me, password, uh, what name and first pet now? Yeah. I've moved house. Right, thanks.

Ben 0:34:10 Sorry, am I any complaint? You tell them your new address. You don't just say, I've moved house.

William 0:34:14 Yeah, they don't care that you've got time.

Jordan 0:34:15 Anyway, go on.

Ben 0:34:16 You can do it in the app.

William 0:34:17 Can you? Yeah, you've— I— you— I'm speechless that you have not done that, because you moved about a month before me. You absolutely have to.

Jordan 0:34:27 I bet you haven't gotten all my old mail like that, man.

William 0:34:29 You're missing out. Oh no, to be fair, I would love to be sending mail to your new address, but

Jordan 0:34:34 If they want me, they'll find me. If it's important, it'll get to me.

William 0:34:37 Well, there's, you know, there's lots of marketing fluff that, you know, can be thrown away, but it really used to annoy— it would really annoy me now. Initially, with the old occupants of our house, I would collate it, and every week I'd send them a text saying, would you like to come and collect it? They were only a couple of streets away.

Jordan 0:34:53 Bet you did.

William 0:34:53 Or should I run it round? Then they were redoing their house, so they weren't then living there, so I didn't know where they were. So then I started sort of crossing out their address and put return to sender moved, so it would go back to the sender, and then hopefully they would get in touch with them. And now, if it looks unimportant, yeah, it does go in the bin because it's been a year.

Jordan 0:35:11 So is that what you're saying?

William 0:35:12 Get a Royal Mail redirect. But I think now, if he's doing it, just bin it.

Jordan 0:35:16 I think return to sender if it's bothering you that much.

William 0:35:18 Return to sender if you can be bothered, but after that, I think, yeah, bin it. It's their mail, it's their problem, not yours.

Jordan 0:35:23 I messaged them because an M&S cage game. I said, you sent it to the wrong one. I said, do you want me to pop around? He said, just keep it. Some leggings for everyone.

William 0:35:33 That's very generous of you.

Jordan 0:35:35 You were happy, so.

William 0:35:37 This is from Lara. Dearest William, Jordan, and the team, greetings from Iceland.

Jordan 0:35:41 Ah, hi, Kunchacha.

William 0:35:43 No, she's—

Jordan 0:35:44 I made that up.

William 0:35:45 She's in the shop.

Jordan 0:35:46 What is, what is it, hacking?

William 0:35:48 What?

Jordan 0:35:49 How do you say hello in Iceland?

William 0:35:50 Icelandic.

Jordan 0:35:51 Icelandic. How do you say hello in Iceland?

William 0:35:54 Which is—

Jordan 0:35:55 Einarlófjörður! I got 2 for 1! Do

William 0:35:57 you want some frozen chicken nuggets?

Ben 0:35:59 Hallo.

William 0:36:00 Hallo. Hallo.

Jordan 0:36:01 Hallo.

William 0:36:03 There are more sheep than people in Iceland. Winters last about 11 months, and we treat double-digit temperatures like a national holiday. Firstly, thank you for keeping me company—

Jordan 0:36:09 Is it genuinely cold in Iceland? They don't have summers.

William 0:36:12 Have I entered the Twilight Zone today? Is it cold in Iceland? It's got ice in the title.

Jordan 0:36:19 But it's like Greenland's not actually green, is it?

William 0:36:23 Well, no. Okay.

Jordan 0:36:24 So is Iceland actually—

William 0:36:26 The United Kingdom, they're not that united, but yeah.

Jordan 0:36:27 So they have 11 months of winter? Oh wow.

William 0:36:31 Yeah, according to Lara.

Jordan 0:36:32 Okay, sorry.

William 0:36:33 Anyway, firstly, thank you for keeping me company on walks, car journeys, and household chores. I've laughed out loud so many times that my coworkers probably think I've completely lost it. Now for my dilemma. At standing concerts, I always arrive early to get as close to the front as possible, but inevitably just before the support act or between sets, nature calls. Can I reclaim my place because my friend has stayed there the whole time, or is squeezing back through a crowd a concert crime? Yours faithfully, Lara. I've never stood for anything. So, I have nothing to say.

Jordan 0:37:02 I think if you've been there and your friend's there, you can absolutely squeeze through.

William 0:37:06 I would say yeah, if your friend's there.

Jordan 0:37:08 You've never been at a gig? It's quite annoying when people are squeezing.

William 0:37:10 I have been at a gig, but I was seated.

Jordan 0:37:12 When people are squeezing past at a gig, I don't mind it. And I'm one of those where if you want to get to the front, Crack on, I'm here. Some people are proper nobs about it, like don't move and shoulder them out the way. Let them if they want to go to the front, if it's safe to do so, it's not going to cause a crush. But no, yeah, absolutely. Um, if you've been there since the start and your friend's there and you've gone to the toilet, of course you can. That's the other thing when people don't let them pass, is like, go for it. Or wee in a cup.

William 0:37:39 What?

Jordan 0:37:40 Wee in a little plastic cup.

William 0:37:42 Oh, I wouldn't do that.

Jordan 0:37:43 I did that. They did that glass of me when I first went. Just wearing a little cup, don't you, underneath your poncho.

William 0:37:49 Why are you in a poncho?

Jordan 0:37:51 Because it pissed down.

William 0:37:52 Oh, I see. Okay, fine.

Ben 0:37:54 In more ways than one.

William 0:37:54 When we were at Disney, we were there literally— when we arrived, it was literally spitting. It was like not even rain, and Mikey insisted we bought a poncho. So €13 later, we bought a poncho that he wore for 2 minutes.

Jordan 0:38:08 Was it a Disney—

William 0:38:09 I was delighted.

Jordan 0:38:10 Was it a Disney-branded one?

William 0:38:11 Yes, of course it was.

Jordan 0:38:12 See-through?

William 0:38:13 I could see through it.

Jordan 0:38:15 Oh, clear. I went to Glastonbury, I think I've talked about this, with sea life ones, and it was like—

William 0:38:22 You went to Glastonbury with a sea life poncho?

Jordan 0:38:24 Yeah, my mum packed it, we got it from SeaWorld. Cute.

William 0:38:27 Well, at least she's reusing.

Jordan 0:38:28 Yeah, but it got a bit so hippie and left-wing.

William 0:38:31 Oh, and they didn't like Shamu.

Jordan 0:38:33 Yeah, and they didn't, didn't agree with SeaWorld. I was 21, 22, I was like, I don't know the big wide world.

William 0:38:39 No.

Jordan 0:38:39 He's got it from Florida.

Ben 0:38:40 Have you seen that there are more— there've been a few reports of people doing number 2s at the front of concerts recently?

Jordan 0:38:47 Oh, the dirty gats.

Ben 0:38:49 Olivia Rodrigo and Noah Khan?

William 0:38:51 Olivia Rodrigo didn't do a poo on stage.

Ben 0:38:53 They didn't do the poo. They didn't do the poo. They pleaded to the— they could smell it.

William 0:38:58 Oh, who?

Ben 0:38:59 Olivia and Noah. And they said to the crowd, can you stop? Can you not do that?

Jordan 0:39:05 What, they watch people pooing or just—

Ben 0:39:06 They watch— I'm not casting aspersions against no one.

Jordan 0:39:11 No, it's bad enough me running out on Front Street without wiping me bum, but that's a different level, innit?

William 0:39:15 Wow. Okay.

Ben 0:39:17 So don't do that.

William 0:39:18 Don't— please don't do a poo in the open.

Jordan 0:39:20 No.

William 0:39:21 This is from Harrrie, H-A-R-R-I-E. Hello, William and Jordan. What's the etiquette when you find your boyfriend using your neighbour's dildo? A parcel was accidentally delivered to our house. In his haste, my boyfriend ripped it open before checking the label, revealing a pink sparkly suction cup dildo addressed to our neighbour. Naturally, we had a good laugh. Rather than endure the awkwardness of explaining we'd opened it, we'd agreed to bin it and never speak of it again. Fast forward a week, I've been away on a girls' trip and was very excited to see my boyfriend. After I'd unpacked, things started to get a bit frisky. He said, do you want to see what I've been up to while you were away? Against my better judgement, I said yes. He disappeared for a moment, then returned with a suction cup dildo, firmly attached it to a book, and climbed on top and rode it like he was trying to qualify for the Olympics.

Jordan 0:40:02 Sorry, anger. Is this a girl, Harriet?

William 0:40:04 Yes, with a male partner, I assume. Then he— it was his boyfriend. Then he looked me dead in the eyes and asked, do you like what you see? Panicking, I squeaked, oh yeah! Not to yuck anyone's yum, but it did absolutely nothing for me. In fact, he was enjoying himself so much that by the time he'd finished, the moment was very much over. We're no longer together, but I still have one burning question. Should we have returned the neighbour's dildo before my boyfriend christened it? Well, yes, any mail that is not addressed to you is not yours. So give it to your neighbour. It's not like you're having to schlep to the Outer Hebrides. You're going next door. So yes, pass it on to them, regardless of whether you've opened them. And don't open the box.

Jordan 0:40:39 And is Harry a girl?

William 0:40:41 Yes.

Jordan 0:40:41 And her boyfriend?

William 0:40:43 A lot of men of the heterosexual persuasion like that. It all goes on.

Jordan 0:40:50 Well, no, I don't think you should return your neighbour's dildo or anyone's dildo that you've used back to them.

William 0:40:57 You— no, you— oh no, if you've used it, which you shouldn't be using it, you don't then go, oh, but yeah, here's this, by the way, we had a lovely time. But you should return it before opening it, or before it opens anything else.

Jordan 0:41:09 Yeah. And don't open people's packages. What's a suction one? What does that mean?

Ben 0:41:18 I think it means that—

William 0:41:20 This barbecue is going to get better by the minute, isn't it?

Ben 0:41:22 It suctions onto something.

Jordan 0:41:24 So,

Ben 0:41:25 he's attached it to a book?

Jordan 0:41:28 Yeah, you could do it. Like when— like in old days when your dad used to have a TomTom and you'd go, yeah, stick it to—

Ben 0:41:33 Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly like that.

Jordan 0:41:34 Stick it to a window.

Ben 0:41:35 Yeah, yeah.

Jordan 0:41:36 So, would you have to lick it and stick it?

Ben 0:41:37 You'd probably have to lick it. It doesn't actually say which book that they attached the dildo to. I imagine it would be a coffee book. A coffee table book would make sense. It'd have to be quite a big one.

Jordan 0:41:48 Only I could get from a TomTom to a dildo. I'm quite impressed with that.

Ben 0:41:52 But it would have to be a big one, 'cause you'd— yeah, well done. You'd have to be able to— it would have to have a good suction to stay on something. It would like to—

William 0:42:01 You'd probably have to take the dust cover off, maybe. Or maybe you wouldn't, actually. Maybe that would provide the suction.

Ben 0:42:05 I think you should take the dust cover off, probably.

Jordan 0:42:08 Harry, yeah, don't return a dildo that you've used.

William 0:42:10 I've got a good idea for a host gift though, for you on Saturday.

Jordan 0:42:13 I don't want any host gifts.

Ben 0:42:14 Oh yeah, where are we? I was thinking about that.

Jordan 0:42:16 Don't worry.

William 0:42:16 I've actually already sorted the host gifts.

Jordan 0:42:17 Honestly, I don't want— Listen, lads, listen, I don't want any gifts. I've got so— I've got everything I want, honestly. I don't really know.

Ben 0:42:26 Oh, that's nice.

Jordan 0:42:27 Genuinely, don't bring gifts.

William 0:42:29 How about we bring sausages?

Jordan 0:42:30 What? No.

William 0:42:31 And food.

Jordan 0:42:32 No, don't bring gifts. And drink. I don't need it. Just make sure you bring your good self. Genuinely, don't bring me out. I don't want any of your tat in me house.

William 0:42:38 He jokes, but— this is from Leon. Dear William Jordan PB and all the good people of Sexted, greetings from the Netherlands.

Jordan 0:42:46 Ah, for some good luck alcohol.

William 0:42:48 Under the brooch. I'm a 50-year-old G&D-er and have been listening for years. Your podcast keeps me company while I'm cleaning, gardening, and doing the dishes. William, I particularly enjoy your little digs you slip in at Jordan's expense, often without him noticing.

Jordan 0:43:00 It's true. 6 years and I've still not clicked on.

William 0:43:04 8.

Jordan 0:43:04 Is it 8? I love it.

William 0:43:05 Nice. I'm a single mum. There's a friend that says sometimes there are 2 podcasts going on at the same time. There's the podcast that you're on and the podcast that I'm on.

Jordan 0:43:16 True. It's very true.

William 0:43:17 Anyway, I'm a single mum to 2 wonderful daughters, Iris, 21, and Yasmin, who turns 20 in September. Both still live at home because finding housing in the Netherlands is almost impossible.

Jordan 0:43:27 Oh, they've got a housing crisis as well?

William 0:43:29 Oh, I said Leanne. It's— I think it's Leanne. Sorry. I'm a single mum with 2 wonderful daughters, etc. Earlier this year, they both started dating lovely young men. Since the boys still live with their parents too, they usually spend weekends at our house, bringing plenty of laughter, chaos, cooking, cleaning, and laundry. Naturally, my daughters also spend weekends at their boyfriends' family homes, and I'd like to think I've raised them to be polite and respectful guests. That got me wondering, should I be making an effort to meet the parents? Is it good etiquette to arrange a get-to-know-you meeting with each set of parents, or is that something that only happens much later, if at all? Oh my God, they've put it in Dutch. Veel liefs en warme groeten, Leanne.

Jordan 0:44:05 You imbecile, it's veel liefs en warme groeten.

William 0:44:09 Leanne, you let us know who got it all correct.

Jordan 0:44:12 Do you know what? Maybe it is now time to suggest suggest you meet for coffee. But I

William 0:44:17 don't know, how long have they been— early this year.

Jordan 0:44:20 Or you, you could meet, you can meet when you're next dropping them off outside the house and just say—

William 0:44:25 An unofficial greeting.

Jordan 0:44:26 Yeah, just say, oh, is your mum, is your mum in? How you say in Britain, is your mum and dad in? Just pop in and say, hiya, I'm Wendy.

William 0:44:32 Or Leanne.

Jordan 0:44:33 Leanne. Leanne would say, um, viel liebes und warmen Grußen to them and then see what they say.

William 0:44:39 Viel liebes und warmen Grußen.

Jordan 0:44:42 Yeah. And then maybe just pop in at the door and say hello to them.

William 0:44:45 I think that's nice.

Jordan 0:44:46 And then do, we should do coffee sometime. Do they do coffee at Neverland?

William 0:44:49 They do, yes.

Jordan 0:44:50 Do they?

William 0:44:51 Yeah.

Jordan 0:44:51 So yeah, that's how I'd go. Yeah, if you'd like to meet them, suggest.

William 0:44:54 Yeah. If it's only early this year, I would say it's probably a bit soon to start doing. And also, if I'm honest, you know, they're 21 and 20. Dare I say it? Please don't play this to them. Maybe pause it. maybe not who they— not necessarily who they're going to spend the rest of their lives with. So—

Ben 0:45:11 Wow.

William 0:45:12 Well, you never know.

Jordan 0:45:13 My mum and dad have been together since they were 15.

William 0:45:15 But that's a different generation, isn't it?

Jordan 0:45:16 Yeah, true.

William 0:45:18 So, you know, just my thoughts. Our final dilemma is from anonymous. Dear William, Jordan, and the Sex Ed team, just a quick note to ask for a little advice on the art of douching before intercourse. I'm a happily married man, and after 20 years together, my wife and I have recently ventured into the world of pegging. Oh, Jesus. So far we've been lucky and haven't—

Jordan 0:45:36 Do you know last week we had the lovely one about the card and what we were in the envelope and it did really well on socials and everyone was happy.

William 0:45:43 That's 'cause I posted it.

Jordan 0:45:44 And we all went to bed all very nice and wholesome and we're back to this. Go on.

William 0:45:49 Wholesome in a different way. I'm a happily married man. After 20 years together, my wife and I have recently ventured into the world of pegging. So far we've been lucky and haven't had any unexpected incidents, but I'd like to keep it that way. My question is, what's the proper etiquette when it comes to preparing? How long beforehand should you douche? How much water should you use? How long should you wait before getting down to business. I'd love to avoid any surprises that might put us off in the future. Thanks for your help, Anonymous/Ben. I've added that.

Ben 0:46:14 What? No. That's not there.

William 0:46:17 It was. Someone deleted it.

Jordan 0:46:19 We're here to offer advice. You know, there is a thing called Google or YouTube. I'm sure there's YouTube videos on it.

William 0:46:25 Or YouTube porn.

Jordan 0:46:25 Oh yeah. William Hanson, how does one douche?

William 0:46:30 From what I'm told—

Jordan 0:46:32 Okay.

William 0:46:33 By friends. I wouldn't do it immediately before. I'd do it and then wait a bit.

Jordan 0:46:38 How long's a bit?

William 0:46:39 Half an hour.

Jordan 0:46:40 Oh, okay.

William 0:46:41 It's fine.

Jordan 0:46:42 Minimum. Is that for dribblage?

William 0:46:43 No, just to let the body recover.

Jordan 0:46:46 Okay.

William 0:46:46 I wouldn't use cold water. I wouldn't use hot water. I'd use warm water. And I would then sterilise your douche afterwards in the interest of good hygiene.

Jordan 0:46:56 And how far does one douche? Does it go right up on you? What does— what— Like,

William 0:47:03 how? Well, just the tip, just enough to go in.

Jordan 0:47:08 Okay, just give it a good clean.

William 0:47:09 Often they're not that big. They're only about that big.

Jordan 0:47:11 And just give it a good clean.

William 0:47:12 Give it a very good clean. Sterilise it. Boiling water or pop the—

Jordan 0:47:16 Oh

Ben 0:47:16 my God.

William 0:47:16 Oh my gosh.

Ben 0:47:17 Could you put it in the dishwasher?

William 0:47:18 Yeah.

Jordan 0:47:20 No.

William 0:47:21 I wouldn't put anything else in the dishwasher, but yeah, you put it in the dishwasher.

Jordan 0:47:24 Apparently you can wash your dildos in the dishwasher, can't you? Sex toys. Yep. Yeah.

William 0:47:29 Handcuffs. I would— in fact, there's a scene in Desperate Housewives where Bree wrecks her husband at the time, at the start of the series, gets into all of that, and then Bree— there's a shot from inside the dishwasher as she's taking the handcuffs out the dishwasher, and it's only the handcuffs in the dishwasher. It's quite funny. But yeah, I would just— and you just do it until it feels clean.

Jordan 0:47:54 Okay.

William 0:47:54 So, it's subjective. It depends what you've eaten, depends what time of day it is, depends what your normal routine is with bowel movements, basically.

Jordan 0:48:02 Yeah.

William 0:48:03 But just don't— you can also over-douche, I'm told, as well. So, just— I am literally told. So, don't over-douche.

Jordan 0:48:11 What's over-douche?

William 0:48:11 As in do it for too long and like get a bit anal about it and just like going, oh, I have to keep doing this and keep doing this and keep doing this and keep doing this and keep— and like, There is too much.

Jordan 0:48:21 Okay. Yeah, don't— yeah, and if— don't be like having a proper hot spicy curry.

William 0:48:27 There are certain foods that you should probably avoid.

Jordan 0:48:30 And then being like, you want to go home today and have a right good pegging after when you're on the same?

William 0:48:35 I've had a booner, I fancy a boner. That sort of thing. We don't— we don't want that.

Jordan 0:48:40 Liam Hansen, very good. Thank you for your questions and dilemmas. Remember, you can listen to new episodes every Tuesday and Friday.

William 0:48:46 all seriousness, there will be guides that are much more useful than what we have just said.

Jordan 0:48:50 Yes, that's a very good point.

William 0:48:50 And I'm also saying this now, Izzy, this is not a social clip.

Jordan 0:48:53 That is a very good point. Proper— there'll be proper guides on YouTube and Google and stuff.

William 0:48:57 No, probably not on YouTube, probably, but there will be guides on the internet.

Jordan 0:49:00 Yeah, and for like any of our younger listeners and stuff, don't be put off by it. Like, we probably—

William 0:49:05 No, it's there to help you enjoy it.

Jordan 0:49:07 Exactly. There probably is proper guides and stuff, so maybe go through that. You can listen to new episodes every Tuesday and Friday in 24 hours for anywhere else on Global Player. And you can even watch us on YouTube now as well. We put the full episodes up on there every release day, so you could watch how you douching and put us up.

William 0:49:21 Yes, Jordan's doing a video for you.

Jordan 0:49:22 Just head to YouTube.

William 0:49:25 See his weekend release.

Jordan 0:49:26 There we go. Just head to YouTube and search for Sexton. Goodbye.

William 0:49:34 Goodbye.