Help A Bit Of Semen Entered My Eye | And The Next Big Dessert

Jordan 0:01:01 Hello and welcome to Help I Sexted My Boss, the podcast where we help you navigate the challenges of modern life, answering your 21st century questions and finding solutions to those everyday dilemmas like How do you tell your partner that you're desperate for him to cage you up for Locktober? Or, what should you do to stop being a spoilsport and just hurry up and join the Sexted Teams Mini Crossword leaderboard? And what should you do if you've accidentally sexted your boss? But we're not usually lagging the answer, are we, William Hansen?

William 0:01:38 No, we're not, Jordan North. I'm more etiquette queen, you're more tea and Ovaltine. And that's from Sam.

Jordan 0:01:43 Ooh, it's Ovaltine season soon.

William 0:01:45 Yes.

Jordan 0:01:46 Lots of seasons, jumper season.

William 0:01:47 Guinness season.

Jordan 0:01:48 Guinness season.

William 0:01:49 Famously, we all set our clocks by it.

Jordan 0:01:51 Ovaltine season.

William 0:01:52 I'm doing the gin and Dubonnet. It's always gin and Dubonnet season in my book.

Jordan 0:01:57 You can have a gin and Dubonnet in summer, you can have it in the autumn, you can have it in the winter. Yes. But not in the spring.

William 0:02:02 No, well, on this podcast you can. You alright?

Jordan 0:02:05 Yeah, good.

William 0:02:07 Good. Struggling on in a cruel world?

Jordan 0:02:09 I wouldn't say that.

William 0:02:12 Why?

Jordan 0:02:13 I'm crawling on in a struggled world. Is that the right phrase?

William 0:02:17 If there's a struggle to be had, Jordan will have it.

Jordan 0:02:19 I don't have any struggles.

William 0:02:23 No, uh, just getting out of bed at 4:20 AM.

Jordan 0:02:25 I never mentioned that.

William 0:02:27 No, you don't. No, famously we proved that.

Jordan 0:02:29 It was a Red Bull type of day today.

William 0:02:31 I was gonna say, I did notice seconds before we were recording you were drinking another red. Is actually— is Red Bull red?

Jordan 0:02:36 Yes.

William 0:02:37 Never actually looked at it because it's always in a can.

Jordan 0:02:39 It's kind of, yeah, like a pale orangey red.

William 0:02:42 Okay.

Jordan 0:02:42 I just thought I needed one today, so just got a little sugar-free one from shop.

William 0:02:46 Again, this tabarnak looks off, everyone. We— I've told you it needs—

Jordan 0:02:49 You're never bloody happy, are you?

William 0:02:50 This does not even look red. It looks

Jordan 0:02:53 Trust me, after a Red Bull, you'll eat oat— drink oat.

William 0:02:56 Suspiciously brown.

Jordan 0:02:57 You never had fucking Red Bull at uni?

William 0:02:58 Absolutely not. Didn't drink. I mean, great shame looking back, but probably for my best. Right, we're going to toast Olivia, who messaged in saying, I would love to express my gratitude for the uplifting joy your podcast has given me during my toughest challenge to date, my final exams for my law degree at Oxford.

Jordan 0:03:18 Oh, wow.

William 0:03:19 I thought you'd—

Jordan 0:03:20 People from Oxford listen to this. Shit the bed.

William 0:03:23 I thought you'd appreciate knowing that this podcast has been played in a library that's over 400 years old.

Jordan 0:03:28 Oh, wow.

William 0:03:29 Wow.

Jordan 0:03:29 It's nearly as old as this podcast.

William 0:03:31 I was going to say it's nearly as old as Stu, but I decided not to. Joe, he's up here waiting for the message that inevitably follows. But this is to Olivia and everyone studying for their exams.

Jordan 0:03:44 To Olivia and everyone studying for their exams, best of luck. Break a leg. Oxford University.

William 0:03:50 Yes.

Jordan 0:03:51 Can we have a little tissue, please, from the table?

William 0:03:53 It's not that exciting.

Jordan 0:03:53 William seems to have spilt everywhere. I have. Oh, you're a good'un, Jack.

William 0:03:57 Thank you, Jack.

Jordan 0:03:58 Thank you. Although there is some blue roll behind there, Jack. That would've been—

William 0:04:01 What? You said tissue!

Jordan 0:04:03 Well, that would've been better.

William 0:04:04 Honest, you're not happy.

Jordan 0:04:05 Well, look, the— Yes. I deserve that.

William 0:04:07 Throw it in his face, Jack.

Jordan 0:04:08 No, we can't go up and get it. If you're listening or watching and think we'd be— it's 'cause we're plugged in, so our headphones are plugged in.

William 0:04:13 Can I have some pear, please?

Ben 0:04:14 Hi, guys.

Jordan 0:04:15 Hi, Ben.

Ben 0:04:15 You used to demand me go around the room before you were plugged in through your headphones. I'm not having that, just as a correction.

William 0:04:20 We both, or one per person?

Jordan 0:04:22 Good catch. Ben's in the old cut cam there. How's life in the cut cam?

William 0:04:28 Tell us about how it's been, the public reaction. Have you been stopped in the street? Have people thrown nicknames at you?

Ben 0:04:34 I've yet to see any change, but I'm sure it will come.

Jordan 0:04:38 Okay. Yeah.

Ben 0:04:39 Maybe?

William 0:04:40 If you stay in that cuck chair long enough, I'm sure it'll come as well.

Jordan 0:04:43 It'll come.

Ben 0:04:43 There we go. I was actually in a cuck chair over the weekend.

Jordan 0:04:47 Sorry, what?

William 0:04:51 Do you

Jordan 0:04:51 wanna elaborate on that?

Ben 0:04:53 Well, yeah, no, just a hotel room. I was in a hotel room with Kat and then Kat's friend, so I was like the third one, but just as normal friends.

Jordan 0:05:02 Okay.

Ben 0:05:02 After a wedding.

Jordan 0:05:03 Do you follow— Cockchairs of hotels around the world. Sorry. Some really weird cockchairs in hotels.

Ben 0:05:11 Is that an Instagram account? Yeah.

Jordan 0:05:13 Is it? Yeah, yeah. My mate sends it to me all the time, 'cause someone—

Ben 0:05:15 Oh, I didn't know that.

Jordan 0:05:16 Someone called the Cock Stage, and it's just a chair on a stage in front of the bed and stuff.

Ben 0:05:20 Okay, we have to do some reactions to some cockchairs.

Jordan 0:05:22 I wanted a chair in the room in my house, but then I thought—

Ben 0:05:26 It looks like a cockchair.

Jordan 0:05:27 Yeah, but it was mainly to throw clothes on and stuff.

William 0:05:29 We've got an ottoman.

Jordan 0:05:31 Same.

William 0:05:31 So it's a little footstool in the bay. So there's a street, yeah, several.

Ben 0:05:35 Why is an ottoman called an ottoman? Like, it's an empire, isn't it? Not like a little thing that you put your board games in. I never knew what an ottoman was. That's

William 0:05:43 not a pouffe.

Jordan 0:05:43 Yeah.

William 0:05:44 A pouffe is a little footstool.

Jordan 0:05:45 Right, so what's an ottoman?

William 0:05:47 It's like a bench.

Ben 0:05:48 But why is it called an ottoman?

William 0:05:49 Would you like me to investigate that at some point?

Jordan 0:05:52 Jesus Christ.

Ben 0:05:52 Yeah, I mean, I don't know if it needs to be a whole Etiquette and Games video.

William 0:05:54 No, no, no, it doesn't. It won't— doesn't necessarily need to be, but I don't know the answer. I wouldn't want to hazard a guess.

Ben 0:05:59 Anyway.

Jordan 0:06:00 Good. Moving on. How's your week been, my love? How are

William 0:06:02 you? Yes, I'm all right. How are you? How are you getting on with your shower and your hose?

Jordan 0:06:07 Yeah, good.

William 0:06:08 Your shower and your hose, your hose and the shower.

Jordan 0:06:09 So I said I couldn't fix my own shower last week, which was a pathetic excuse, a man. So what I did was—

William 0:06:15 No, no, no, darling. Not all men have to be good at DIY. Don't fall into tropes.

Jordan 0:06:19 I got my friend Peter to come round and help me. Nice. And he came round, and I repaid him in chilli, which at the time I called him yesterday.

William 0:06:27 That's how most plumbers would prefer to be paid. 'Cause I said,

Jordan 0:06:30 Have you— he's like, you've got a toolbox, haven't you? And he was like, Irish, hurry, Irish. I was like,

William 0:06:36 right. Oh, I met Peter.

Jordan 0:06:37 Peter from the pub. Yeah. So Pete, Big G and Diva. So Pete came around and fixed it for us and then we repaid him with chilli, which I think—

William 0:06:45 Is he a professional plumber? Because I'm actually in the lookout. I mean, I—

Jordan 0:06:48 He is not, but he has a toolbox and he can help. Well. If that helps. But yeah, I fixed it and now it's like, I had a shower this morning, first time, it was like having a shower in Niagara Falls. Was it? Beautiful. It's just not one spurting and spouting out everywhere.

William 0:07:02 Oh, good. Well, I'm glad, I'm glad you're thoroughly cleansed.

Jordan 0:07:05 Do you know what I've tried this week that I think's going to be a new trend? And I think, uh, people of the UK, it's going to take over the UK, you know, like Aperol Spritz and matcha.

William 0:07:16 I mean, matcha's had its moment, but okay.

Jordan 0:07:18 Well, it's still popular, and you know, Aperol Spritz is like the past couple of summers. I had this thing, and don't think it's minging, 'cause it's new, but it's basically, you pour a coffee on ice cream. It's called affogato. Right. It's—

William 0:07:36 Jordan, that has been a thing for forever.

Jordan 0:07:39 Might have been in your fancy London bubble life, but I had it for the first time.

William 0:07:44 Or indeed, as we call it, Italy.

Jordan 0:07:46 It's— and if you're listening, it sounds minging, right? You pour Hot coffee.

William 0:07:52 An espresso.

Jordan 0:07:53 Yeah, onto—

William 0:07:55 Vanilla.

Jordan 0:07:56 Vanilla ice cream, and it's probably one of the best desserts I've ever had.

William 0:08:01 It's a cop-out if you're hosting, if I'm honest.

Jordan 0:08:04 Well, I knew you'd have something to say about it. It's bloody delicious, mate.

William 0:08:08 No, no, it is nice.

Jordan 0:08:09 I had it on Sunday, and I think it's very chic and cool, and I think it's gonna take the UK by storm. Affogato, it's called.

William 0:08:15 I think it has taken the UK by storm. I think about 20 years ago when it sort of was popular, Affogato.

Ben 0:08:21 Have you heard of melon and ham?

Jordan 0:08:23 That blew my mind as well. I still want to try it.

William 0:08:26 Sorry, he hadn't heard of prosciutto and melon, and now he's sort of the Italian culinary expert.

Jordan 0:08:30 Affogato. Delicious. Try it, Gene Divas, wherever you're listening. So that's,

William 0:08:36 um, it's the new, it's the new thing. Yeah.

Jordan 0:08:38 Okay, what about you? What's been going on? You've been trying alt nu?

William 0:08:40 Uh, no, not particularly. Not particularly. Although, I mean, you— we've talked about, um, In fact, last week you were saying that if your mum phones and you didn't answer, you felt really, really guilty.

Jordan 0:08:52 Yeah.

William 0:08:52 I would imagine the way that we interact with our mothers on the telephone is different, because this week I phoned my mother and I said— and she said, hello, and she went, hello, are you cross with Earl Spencer as well? That was that. That was the opening question. She's absolutely— literally, she did 10 minutes. I didn't even interrupt. Just all about Earl Spencer. Like, yes, I know, I know.

Jordan 0:09:14 What are your thoughts on that? Would you rather not say?

William 0:09:18 No, no, I can say. I just think, what does it achieve other than selling a book? I think, you know, if you really had those thoughts, why don't you say it when you're not trying to flog a book?

Jordan 0:09:26 Well, his argument is he doesn't need the money. He wants to get his side of the story, his record straight.

William 0:09:31 But there's also clips of him from the '90s going, I will never profit from Diana's death. Okay. Just leave that there.

Jordan 0:09:40 Will you read it? No.

William 0:09:41 Did you? It'll all be serialised. All the juicy, in inverted commas, bit are going to be in the Sunday papers, so…

Jordan 0:09:47 You didn't read Spare, did you?

William 0:09:49 I got halfway through it and got so cross I had to send it back.

Jordan 0:09:51 That was— you sent it back? And did you get a refund? Yep. Oh, that's not helping.

William 0:09:56 I mean, I don't think it really affected Prince Harry's sales, if I'm honest. I think he probably did all right off the back of that.

Jordan 0:10:02 It's one of the biggest-selling books of all time, right?

William 0:10:04 Yeah.

Jordan 0:10:05 Yeah, I listened to the audiobook of that. It was an eye-opener. Or an ear-opener.

William 0:10:08 Well, one ear-opener for you.

Jordan 0:10:12 That'll be— all right. No! That's gonna be my review for your book. I listened to this and it was an ear-opener. It's an absolute ear-opener.

William 0:10:21 Oh, you're doing a jacket quote for the audiobook as well, are you? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Jordan 0:10:24 Okay, fine. And riveting.

William 0:10:25 I had to go the other day and do an audiobook test because obviously I've read— I read the audiobook with you for the Sexted book. I've done Just Good Manners audiobook, but they're non-fiction. This is fiction. I have characters. You have to do different voices.

Jordan 0:10:39 Do you want me to do one?

William 0:10:41 Well, I'll tell you what, you can do one in particular because, let's put it this way, I do now regret having a character from the Philippines.

Jordan 0:10:47 Ah.

William 0:10:48 Yeah.

Jordan 0:10:48 Could be problematic. Yeah. Yeah.

William 0:10:52 So, if I'm not—

Jordan 0:10:53 Do you want to show us how that's going to sound?

William 0:10:54 No, no, no.

Jordan 0:10:56 So—

William 0:10:57 We're still working on it.

Jordan 0:10:58 How will you— Because technically he's just a character.

William 0:11:01 Like, I've got a character who's basically German. Not a problem. I've got some Americans. Not a problem. I've got Brits. I've got someone from Cheshire. Not a problem.

Jordan 0:11:11 Do you need anyone from Burnley?

William 0:11:12 No, but I think that would— in book 2, if I'm— if they give me a second book.

Jordan 0:11:18 I can do a good Pint accent.

William 0:11:19 Do you want to audition?

Jordan 0:11:20 A few moments later. Sorry, we've had to cut all of that. We've had to cut all of that. for problematic reasons.

William 0:11:29 Yes.

Jordan 0:11:30 Yeah.

William 0:11:30 Um, so I'm still workshopping that. Because of Titan Eats, we've actually had to move the audiobook recording to the start of next year, so I've got more time to just work on it, but I'm still not sure.

Jordan 0:11:41 I was— who was I talking to? Oh, it was— I was talking to someone who's got a book coming out, and they were talking about their audio, and that was— I did not enjoy doing our audiobook recording.

William 0:11:51 Did you not?

Jordan 0:11:52 No, it was, it was It, it was long and—

William 0:11:56 Oh, that's called a book.

Jordan 0:11:58 Yeah, I don't know, I just felt like the writing bit was quite fun, but reading it out loud— because for me I really struggled with that, do you not remember?

William 0:12:06 Yeah, but it was hilarious.

Ben 0:12:08 No, I think you did really well.

William 0:12:10 I think you did really well.

Ben 0:12:11 Genuinely.

William 0:12:12 It's a fun—

Jordan 0:12:13 and if I'd have known then that if— because I only just found out basically when I started working at Capital that if I'll show you now on here, if you highlight stuff for dyslexics in yellow It helps so much. If I'd have known, if I got told that years ago, it'd been so much easier for me. So like now all my scripts and stuff are highlighted in yellow. Actually, it's meant to be yellow and Comic Sans, but yellow's fine for me. So if I'd— are you sure?

William 0:12:39 Is there like generally research on Comic Sans?

Jordan 0:12:41 Yellow Comic Sans. They got somebody, um, yeah, it's yellow Comic Sans and like autocues and scripts and stuff.

William 0:12:49 Yeah.

Jordan 0:12:50 Gosh. There you go.

William 0:12:50 Oh, can we give Comic Sans a go for his script for next week?

Jordan 0:12:54 There you are.

Ben 0:12:54 Or should we do— can we do it all in Comic Sans?

William 0:12:57 I can cope with Comic Sans.

Jordan 0:12:58 I mean, you can— you might not like it.

William 0:13:01 I won't, but I'll cope. If it makes it easier for you, I don't mind doing it.

Ben 0:13:05 That's friendship, isn't it?

William 0:13:06 That is friendship.

Jordan 0:13:07 Exactly. That's really—

Ben 0:13:08 That's what we're all about here.

Jordan 0:13:09 I've lost my pen.

William 0:13:10 And I want my scripts in Baskerville.

Jordan 0:13:12 Can I, please? Can I talk to you about London Fashion Week?

William 0:13:16 Yes.

Jordan 0:13:18 Because you know I went, right?

William 0:13:19 Yes, you kept reminding us last week.

Jordan 0:13:21 Yeah, so this is the weirdest story ever. So I went with M&S, which was great, but before that I went with Barbour. Okay, and I got invited and I've never been before.

William 0:13:34 Yeah,

Jordan 0:13:34 and I go to Barbour on the Thursday night and I get there and it's like the who's who of fashion. And I'm like, what is tits out here off the radio?

William 0:13:43 I don't even know who The Who is in fashion other than Anna Wintour.

Jordan 0:13:46 And Barbour, right? And you've got like Theo— what's he called there?

Ben 0:13:51 Theo James.

Jordan 0:13:52 Theo James from The Gentlemen. Yeah, and it's like loads of people, like really trendy cool people. I'm like, what am I doing here? And I get there and I'm like, I'm a fish out of water, and loads of good-looking handsome people. And,

William 0:14:06 um, I'm going to leave that fishing expedition that you just went on untouched.

Jordan 0:14:10 What do you mean?

William 0:14:12 And you wanted me to get, oh no, you're handsome too, which you are.

Jordan 0:14:14 I actually didn't. Yes, you did. I did. I genuinely didn't. Okay. Because in here, it's like a fish out of water. And I seen in the hall in this barber event, I seen a couple that I met on holiday when I went to Greece in July. And I'm like, oh, that's, that's Ali and Helen. And I'm like, what the hell are you doing here? And this was a couple who I got chatting to on the table next to me on holiday. I had a few drinks with them, some plate smashing with them and stuff and seen them most days and chatted to them by the pool and they were like my little holiday friends. And I was like, what the hell are you doing here? She went, oh, I never told you this, but I'm Helen Barber. She owns Barber. She owns all of— her and her mum run it. No shareholders, just them two. And I was like, what? She's like, we thought you were really lovely on holiday, so we invited you along. I was like, Oh my— she runs Barber! I was on a table next to her in Greece. What do you think of that?

William 0:15:08 I think it's marvellous.

Jordan 0:15:09 That's mad, isn't it?

William 0:15:11 It's— you never know who you're sitting next to.

Jordan 0:15:13 She said, I'm Helen Barber. I was like, oh my god! From the Barber dynasty. Mad. So there you go.

William 0:15:20 How funny.

Jordan 0:15:21 What are the odds of that?

William 0:15:22 Well, that's— I hope you wrote her a nice thank you letter.

Jordan 0:15:24 I did, actually. Good. On your—

William 0:15:27 well, it's not my— you keep saying it's mine.

Jordan 0:15:28 It's very sweet.

William 0:15:29 On the one you got me. Legally, it is yours.

Ben 0:15:31 So it's actually— but it's actually called Oh, legally Barber and Sons, but they've dropped the and Sons.

William 0:15:37 Down with the patriarchy.

Jordan 0:15:39 So there you go.

Ben 0:15:40 There we go.

Jordan 0:15:41 It's amazing, isn't it?

Ben 0:15:42 What a story.

Jordan 0:15:42 I know, I'm gonna be dining out on that for years.

Ben 0:15:45 Well, hopefully you're going to be getting free coats for years at least.

Jordan 0:15:48 I've already got a barber. Once you've got a barber, you've got it for life, aren't you? Just need to get re-waxing.

Ben 0:15:53 Yeah, it's like a hairdresser, isn't it?

Jordan 0:15:55 Yeah, what do you mean? Well, speaking of which, so because I've been to Fashion Week now and I've seen them all, I've decided to get a new haircut.

William 0:16:03 Oh God.

Jordan 0:16:04 Right.

William 0:16:04 What are we now going with?

Jordan 0:16:05 So I had the mullet, and then I had the mullet taper.

William 0:16:07 Oh, the mullet's gone!

Jordan 0:16:08 Yeah, the mullet's not been there for

William 0:16:10 months! No, no, no, it's slightly— but I—

Jordan 0:16:12 It's like a mullet taper, if you will. Yeah. So it's like a short, short version. So I'm thinking, and I've used AI for this, and I'm thinking of growing it a bit long. What do you think?

William 0:16:30 What? Yeah.

Jordan 0:16:32 So that's it a bit shorter. I'm gonna grow the sides out.

William 0:16:36 So it's longer at the front.

Ben 0:16:37 Well, obviously we spoke about my— what I did to my hair a few years ago.

William 0:16:40 Yeah, you've been stuck through AI.

Ben 0:16:41 So I've inspired you once again.

William 0:16:42 Maybe we can do it with me. I'll ask AI what new hairstyle I can have.

Jordan 0:16:46 Well, yeah, let's do it.

William 0:16:47 Quite limited options.

Jordan 0:16:49 So, that was— so I'm gonna kind of grow the sides out a bit and have it a bit long.

Ben 0:16:53 But that's not—

William 0:16:54 But that is basically— That's not you.

Ben 0:16:55 That picture's not you, is it?

Jordan 0:16:57 Yeah, it's me, but I just— put in a picture of— I asked it to give me a taper.

Ben 0:17:02 You look like a member of the Beatles.

Jordan 0:17:03 I'll take that.

William 0:17:04 Well, that'll be back whenever that film comes out. Is it next year?

Jordan 0:17:07 Do you think I'd suit it or not? Or do you reckon I grow— don't grow that type of hair?

Ben 0:17:10 Basically, that's my hair. You've copied my hair.

Jordan 0:17:11 No, I haven't, because—

William 0:17:13 Well, it's not like you copied anyone, Ben.

Ben 0:17:14 Yeah.

William 0:17:15 Hmm.

Jordan 0:17:16 Ben copied one of the dancers that—

Ben 0:17:17 No, I didn't.

Jordan 0:17:18 Well, can we not talk about this?

Ben 0:17:20 No.

Jordan 0:17:20 Danny'll be really flattered that you copied his hair. Basically, we've not talked about this. Ben has recently got a haircut, which, by the way—

William 0:17:27 I think he looks very handsome.

Jordan 0:17:28 It's the best haircut he's had since you've known him. I quite like it when it's long and slicked back though.

Ben 0:17:32 What about the ponytail, whatever it's called?

Jordan 0:17:34 Oh, the top knot. Top knot. Fuck me. Fuck me sideways, that was your worst one.

Ben 0:17:40 Well, I can't actually remember Ben.

William 0:17:43 I think you met him at a student radio conference.

Ben 0:17:44 That was pre-popularity.

Jordan 0:17:46 He looked like a shit member of Mumford and Sons.

Ben 0:17:49 But when you walk into rooms like that, you have to make yourself memorable, Jordan.

Jordan 0:17:52 That's true. And look at you now. So anyway, Ben went in. Now most people go to their hairdressers, uh, with like someone that may be famous or the haircut they've seen. Ben went in with a picture of Danny, one of the dancers on tour, and him and Danny now have the same haircut. Does Danny not know about that?

Ben 0:18:09 Danny doesn't know that yet.

William 0:18:10 Well, he does now. He does now.

Jordan 0:18:11 He will now.

Ben 0:18:12 Do you want to say anything to Danny, your style inspiration? But it's such a awkward situation. Like, I think a lot of people— hairdressers get in touch— I think a lot of people just come and try and describe it But I was like, I saw it on social media, I was like, maybe I should have messaged Danny to say, you know what, mate, your hair's looking sick, I'm gonna steal that. But I didn't. I was embarrassed. But now it's been revealed.

Jordan 0:18:30 Don't be embarrassed.

William 0:18:31 Don't be embarrassed.

Jordan 0:18:32 Do you think anyone's ever gone in with a picture of your hair and asked for it?

William 0:18:35 The Princess Royal.

Jordan 0:18:36 But yeah, so that's why I'm getting a new haircut. I've been inspired. But yeah. Okay.

William 0:18:44 But again, you know you've had those publicity shots done for work.

Jordan 0:18:48 Which ones?

William 0:18:49 You said that that's why you got rid of the moustache.

Jordan 0:18:50 Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

William 0:18:51 If you then suddenly change your hairstyle dra— and I would say that's quite a drastic haircut change.

Jordan 0:18:55 It's not, I'm just growing sides out. I'm just not gonna have me fade anymore.

William 0:18:58 But you're not gonna have it longer at the front like those photos?

Jordan 0:19:00 Not really.

William 0:19:02 Oh, okay. 'Cause you still want to be recognisable with your publicity photos, don't you?

Jordan 0:19:06 Yeah.

William 0:19:07 Well, otherwise what's the point of having the publicity photos?

Jordan 0:19:10 Nobody could bother about publicity photos. They're 10 a penny, aren't they?

William 0:19:13 Oh fine, we'll change Jordan's publicity photo on this podcast then, shall we? See if you're bothered.

Ben 0:19:16 I don't think anyone said publicity photo as much as we've just done in as short

Jordan 0:19:20 I don't think anyone's had a publicity photo since the '90s. What is a publicity photo?

William 0:19:26 It's a photo you use for publicity. You know, like your Insta— yeah, your Instagram profile picture.

Jordan 0:19:33 I need to change my Insta picture actually. It was about 2 and a half, nearly 3 years ago.

William 0:19:36 Yes.

Jordan 0:19:36 I do need to change that. I'm going to do it. It's on my to-do list. It's gonna get done. Oh, and I need to pay you for that barbecue. How much do I owe you for that?

William 0:19:43 £150.

Jordan 0:19:44 £150.

William 0:19:46 No, no, no, no.

Jordan 0:19:47 115.

William 0:19:48 115? 1, 1, 5.

Jordan 0:19:48 For 1 bottle of gas? Yep. The robbing gets— I won't be doing that again. I should've got charged. Is it 115?

William 0:19:53 It is.

Jordan 0:19:53 Remind me to pay. It is now. What else been going on with you, William Hanson?

William 0:19:57 I did send you, just because I know people will have jumped on the, oh, they're having fun without Jordan bandwagon. I have sent you the links to download.

Jordan 0:20:06 It's just a load of theme in this podcast, innit? House parties, dinner parties.

William 0:20:10 Excuse me! You were invited to the house party.

Jordan 0:20:14 Lunches. I just don't get invited to out—

William 0:20:15 There's no lunches.

Jordan 0:20:16 There's lots of lunches without me. I'm aware.

William 0:20:23 Ben, could you back me up here, please?

Ben 0:20:24 I'm aware. I think if you are bitter about not being invited to things—

Jordan 0:20:28 I'm not bitter.

Ben 0:20:28 Then—

Jordan 0:20:29 Oh, no, no, no, no. Remember the old Graham North saying, don't get bitter, get better.

Ben 0:20:32 Did not put a name next to that. So, like, I'm just saying, if you're bitter about not being invited, it is, it's, yeah, fair enough. be bitter, but be better and just invite someone to do something yourself. That's my take.

Jordan 0:20:47 Point taken.

William 0:20:47 Anyway. Anyway, carry on. I've sent you the link to download the New York Times app so you can join in. I do regret accepting Zofia and Social Joe.

Jordan 0:20:57 Oh, they're great.

William 0:20:58 Because they're now better.

Jordan 0:20:59 Are they?

William 0:21:00 Whereas I was normally top.

Jordan 0:21:03 Let's get quizzical.

Ben 0:21:04 What's the game? You meant normally bottom.

William 0:21:05 I was not normally bottom, Ben. You are normally bottom.

Ben 0:21:08 I'm not normally bottom.

William 0:21:09 Every time we play together, you are bottom and I am top. Okay, I am getting some sort of

Ben 0:21:13 like computer AI thing to— they're high-fiving for some reason— to look at the stats and like put this into a spreadsheet.

Jordan 0:21:20 Give me one of the puzzles, because I'd be crap with them. Give me an example.

William 0:21:23 Well, the thing is, I would give you mine now, but I haven't played it today.

Ben 0:21:26 Let's do one on Friday.

Jordan 0:21:27 On Friday? Spoilsport. I'm just rubbish at them. What's black and white and red all over?

William 0:21:32 Newspaper.

Jordan 0:21:33 There you go.

Ben 0:21:34 Well, that's not how a crossword works.

Jordan 0:21:36 What gets wetter as it dries?

Ben 0:21:38 It's not riddles.

William 0:21:39 A towel.

Jordan 0:21:40 Yeah. Well, what is it then? And I'm not going— if there's Sudoku involved, I'm out.

Ben 0:21:45 It's not Sudoku.

Jordan 0:21:46 I'm alright at a word search, but otherwise—

William 0:21:48 Well, it's not a word search, it's a crossword.

Jordan 0:21:50 Right, well—

William 0:21:51 Jack's getting better at it. Jack's recently joined. Jack is getting better. I think the first time you do it, yeah, you might be rubbish, because you're sort of getting into the, how does it work?

Jordan 0:21:59 Ends in -it, found in a horse's stable.

William 0:22:02 Shite.

Jordan 0:22:03 Grit. It's an old Malcolm and Wise joke.

Ben 0:22:06 And that ends in E.

Jordan 0:22:07 2 Ronnies, actually. It's very funny. The non-Lexican guy goes, has anyone got a rubber?

William 0:22:14 Oh, is it? Yeah.

Ben 0:22:15 Okay, well, I think we can do it on Friday, but I— look, and this isn't any shade, like, we're all— we're a welcoming church. I just don't want to be there, like, waiting for, like, 20 minutes for the crossword to be completed.

Jordan 0:22:25 Okay,

William 0:22:26 okay, we'll do it maybe in the ad break on Friday, shall we?

Jordan 0:22:30 What

William 0:22:30 else? Can we talk about pestles and mortars? Because

Jordan 0:22:34 recently— Is that what t-shirts make?

William 0:22:36 No. It's what you use to crush herbs and spices and garlic.

Jordan 0:22:42 I'm thinking of Fruit of Bloom.

William 0:22:43 It's Fruit of the Loom.

Jordan 0:22:46 Oh. Pestle— I bought one recently! Is that what they're called?

William 0:22:49 Yes, because we've had a whole conversation.

Jordan 0:22:50 Oh, they're called— I was Googling stuff you grind stuff with.

William 0:22:55 That's why that came up.

Jordan 0:22:56 Yes!

William 0:22:57 So you now own a pestle and mortar?

Jordan 0:22:58 Yes. I've only never used it. And I had chilli last night. I could've used it for that.

William 0:23:02 You could have crushed, yeah.

Jordan 0:23:02 I know.

William 0:23:03 But like whole chillies or chilli flakes? You don't need it for chilli flakes.

Jordan 0:23:06 Just chilli powder.

William 0:23:07 You don't need it for chilli powder. You can, I mean—

Ben 0:23:10 Put chilli powder in the pestle and mortar and just try and make it even finer.

Jordan 0:23:19 Oh, make it finer.

William 0:23:20 Yeah.

Ben 0:23:21 Put like garlic in it. Smash up the garlic. Some herbs.

William 0:23:25 Which is the pestle and which is the mortar, do you know?

Jordan 0:23:27 I don't have a clue. I'm assuming the pestle's the banging thing and the mortar's the— Well done, yes. The mortar's the bowl.

William 0:23:34 Yeah. The pummeller.

Jordan 0:23:35 Yeah, the pummeller.

Ben 0:23:36 Right, well, what— Is pummeller a verb? To pummel?

Jordan 0:23:39 Please don't.

William 0:23:40 I'm going to pummel you.

Jordan 0:23:41 Well, you're both pummelling me off right now, so. What is it you'd like to say about it?

William 0:23:47 No, no, I was just going to ask you if you got one, but you clearly didn't.

Jordan 0:23:49 Yeah, I did order one.

William 0:23:50 Yeah.

Jordan 0:23:50 I did order one. What else did I order recently? So, I've ordered a new shower head, getting a new drip coffee— something else I've ordered in the kitchen, and it's a game changer.

William 0:24:01 A chef?

Jordan 0:24:01 I wish. What have I ordered? Oh, got a proper kiln iron pan.

William 0:24:09 Kiln?

Jordan 0:24:09 Like a proper— what are they called? Iron pan. Frying pan.

William 0:24:15 You've got a frying pan.

Jordan 0:24:17 No, but a proper iron— what are they called?

Ben 0:24:19 Cast iron.

Jordan 0:24:20 Cast iron.

Ben 0:24:21 Cast iron.

Jordan 0:24:22 Cast iron, right? And I made a fry-up in it at the weekend, and I just did it all in there. Black pudding. and the Scottish black pudding, what's it called?

William 0:24:30 Haggis.

Jordan 0:24:30 Oh, I made it all in there and it all cooked at the same time perfectly.

William 0:24:33 Lovely.

Jordan 0:24:34 Get yourself one. Nightmare to clean, but—

William 0:24:36 I was gonna say.

Jordan 0:24:37 Feels like I'm in my own little cooking show. Do you ever do that? Where you're like in the kitchen, do you ever pretend you've got your own cooking show? Is that just me? If you're ever at a bus stop—

William 0:24:47 Well, you do have your own cooking show in a kitchen.

Jordan 0:24:49 Oh yeah, I do, don't I? Yeah. Tastemates, yeah, you can watch that. Surprise dinner party. Are you at a bus stop? Do you ever pretend you're a footy manager?

William 0:24:59 When was the last time you were at a bus stop?

Jordan 0:25:01 Do you do that? Do you do that, Ben?

Ben 0:25:05 When was the last time you were at a bus stop? Generally.

William 0:25:08 Right, when was the last time?

Jordan 0:25:09 I was at a bus stop. I— can I just say—

William 0:25:12 And when I mean, I don't mean just walking past one.

Jordan 0:25:14 Right. I get on the bus all the time. I see so many people doing this on the train and stuff, and on the Tube.

William 0:25:21 Train's not a bus.

Jordan 0:25:21 The last time I got a bus was— Tube's not a bus. Probably about 3 weeks ago when I went to the gym on Saturday. I jumped on the bus. Anyway, but sometimes if you stand at the thing, I'm on my own, do you ever pretend you're a Premier League manager?

William 0:25:33 How many Premier League managers are at bus stops?

Ben 0:25:36 I'm sorry? It looks like the bit, the dugout.

Jordan 0:25:39 The dugout.

William 0:25:40 The dugout.

Ben 0:25:41 You've been in a dugout, William?

William 0:25:42 I have. Referee! I'm very cross.

Jordan 0:25:45 If I'm ever struggling on a run, I always pretend I've scored a last-minute header for Burnley in an FA Cup final. Or I've just kept them up, a last-minute adder, and it pumps me up.

William 0:25:55 Gorgeous.

Jordan 0:25:57 There you go.

William 0:25:57 Well, that's lovely. Well, we'll get you the mini, and we'll have a go on Friday, shall we?

Jordan 0:26:02 Okay.

William 0:26:02 Yeah.

Jordan 0:26:02 Right.

William 0:26:03 And if you— there should be an incentive.

Ben 0:26:06 We should do a mini, the mini crossword.

William 0:26:10 Yeah.

Ben 0:26:11 And then for that entire episode, the only things you're allowed to talk about must be related to the answers of the mini.

William 0:26:17 No, that sounds dull. That sounds terrible. God, who put you in

Ben 0:26:20 charge? Fucking hell. It would be great.

Jordan 0:26:22 Thank

William 0:26:23 you. Um, should we go to— talking of excitement, should we go to Jordan's Jolly Joke of the Week?

Jordan 0:26:28 They're both a bit edgy this week.

William 0:26:29 Fantastic.

Jordan 0:26:30 And could offend not only our listeners, but I think us as well.

William 0:26:33 Great, here's the jingle.

Speaker F 0:26:35 If you like a chap who's cheeky and northern, you're in for a treat with our Jordan. And if a giggle is what you seek, you're sure to love Jordan's Jolly Joke of the Week. Cha-cha-cha-cha, cha-cha-cha-cha-cha, cha-cha-cha-cha-cha.

Jordan 0:34:23 Alright, Gene Divas, thanks for sticking with us. This one's from Luke. He says, what do you call a locksmith with a lisp? Keith. And then I got another one.

William 0:34:34 That's not offensive. I thought that was— I was prepared for something edgier.

Jordan 0:34:38 Okay. This one you might find offensive.

William 0:34:39 Okay.

Jordan 0:34:40 Okay. This one's from Megan. Says, how do you know you're at a gay barbecue? 'Cause sausages taste like shit.

William 0:34:48 Wow.

Jordan 0:34:51 It's Megan Wigan. That's

William 0:34:53 just— I mean, nobody— okay.

Jordan 0:34:55 Do you want me to cut that?

William 0:34:57 No, no, no, no. I'm just picking up Megan's joke, because I don't think Megan really understands how it works. I'm not gonna show her, but— Hmm.

Jordan 0:35:06 This is from Harold. What's the female equivalent of teabagging?

William 0:35:11 I don't know.

Jordan 0:35:14 A flappuccino?

Ben 0:35:16 Oh, I'm not, I'm not sure.

Jordan 0:35:24 A flappuccino.

William 0:35:26 We do not, on behalf of everyone at Help I Sexed My Boss, we do not endorse that.

Ben 0:35:32 That feels like the best of a bad bunch.

Jordan 0:35:36 Well, you do a jolly joke every week then.

Ben 0:35:37 I'm only joking.

Jordan 0:35:38 Right, before we move on to the questions and dilemmas, tomorrow we will be releasing— it's very exciting— our first Patreon-exclusive episode!

William 0:35:49 Yes, that's right. Premium members of our Patreon channel, Help I Sexted My Boss Out of Office, or OOOOOO, get a brand new episode every Wednesday.

Jordan 0:35:59 And this is the place for us to do something a bit different on our usual Tuesday and Friday episodes. So we're really excited about this. We're going on Patreon, and we're gonna give We give you loads of bonus content.

William 0:36:07 Yes, but don't worry, because if you don't want to join the Patreon, you won't be missing out on any of our normal features and chat. But if you want to see us flex our creative minds, then why not come over to Patreon and join us for some brand new content every Wednesday?

Jordan 0:36:21 Yeah. And like we said, if you're not, that's fine. There's many podcasts I listen to, I don't subscribe. A couple of my favourite ones I do. You get extra bits and it's great, and you can listen to extra episodes and it's ad-free and all sorts. It's great. So it's worth saying as well, you can always sign up to our Patreon for free and join us in the group chats where you chat and hang out with our lovely Gene Divas as well as members of Sexy Team. So it's like a little forum, if you will.

William 0:36:44 Indeed, yes. Um, tomorrow's first Out of Office episode features— features a very special appearance from 2 characters you might have seen on our latest tour. Alas, none of the dancers. We'll leave you to have a think about who that could be.

Jordan 0:36:57 All I'm going to say, for our first Patreon episode, we've really gone out there. And I'll level with you, Gene Divas, you're gonna love it, or you might get 10 minutes in and think, what the fucking hell is this? Sorry to swear.

William 0:37:08 It won't all be like that.

Jordan 0:37:09 But there was— I personally thought it was just on the right side of weird. You got well into it.

William 0:37:17 Well, there was just so much depth to the character.

Ben 0:37:20 What do you mean? It wasn't you two. It was—

William 0:37:22 No, sorry, it wasn't

Jordan 0:37:23 us.

Ben 0:37:23 Oh, sorry.

William 0:37:24 It wasn't

Jordan 0:37:25 us. So there's a very special appearance From

Ben 0:37:27 some people that are not us.

Jordan 0:37:29 From some industry people. Yeah. Now it's time for your questions and dilemmas. Remember, if you wanna help with something, then get in touch. You can send your tales of trepidation to help@sexwithmyboss.com, or you can DM us. We're @sexwithmyboss on the socials.

William 0:37:39 Right, our first dilemma is from Jenna. Hello, Jordan, Willy, me, PB, and all the other icons that make up the team. I recently started a—

Jordan 0:37:45 There's only one icon in this team, and it's Rodrigo.

William 0:37:48 Yes. Yes. I'm

Jordan 0:37:53 a

William 0:37:53 lion. I recently started a new job, and I was told the whole office was hot desk, Over the past couple of weeks, I've noticed that most people on my team have desks they've claimed, and actual hotdesking isn't massively a thing.

Jordan 0:38:06 Oh, it's a load of bollocks, hotdesking.

William 0:38:07 Yeah, I completely understand that, as I'm a creature of habit too. But expecting to just find somewhere to sit, only to realise you're in someone's favourite seat is stressful, on top of all the other stress of a new job. Everyone works from home on random days of the week, which doesn't help either. So my question is, what's the etiquette when you expect hotdesking, only to find out there's a secret seating plan nobody acknowledges? Jenna, kiss kiss. P.S., Jordan, I've had to start getting up 2 hours earlier, and like you, it's become half of my personality recently.

Jordan 0:38:32 I cannot— right, I'm not even gonna buy it. I've not even mentioned— you mentioned it in this episode. I don't mention it anymore. I haven't.

William 0:38:40 No, we're good.

Jordan 0:38:41 By the way, I had an interesting—

William 0:38:42 Don't bring beef with me. I've just read what Jenna said.

Jordan 0:38:44 She slept in the other day. Close call. Very close. What a close call. I got up at 10 to 5. You had 10 minutes to get ready. Um, I, I think we should sack off hot desking. And also, can we just bring back in the office an office within the— your boss having an office? I meet with my boss a couple times a week, and the amount of times we have to go downstairs to book a room or go somewhere else— just have an office. The day he gets an office, we're all screwed, Ben.

William 0:39:10 Yeah,

Jordan 0:39:11 but I think just bring back the tradition.

William 0:39:12 Well, this is how it starts. First he gets a camera, then he gets an office.

Ben 0:39:15 I would love an office.

Jordan 0:39:18 Try and go and have a meeting with your boss, contract renewals, like, yes, Sam. Let's meet in the Tracy Beaker room. You're like, hell, I'm trying to get more money here. I can't do that in the Tracy Beaker room, can I? Oh, would you prefer the Morecambe and Wise boardroom?

Ben 0:39:31 God. Wasn't it more about the dumping ground when you had a meeting in there?

William 0:39:36 Ah, there's the joke!

Jordan 0:39:38 I don't get it. Tracy Beaker?

William 0:39:41 Yeah, the dump— the orphanage was called the dumping ground.

Ben 0:39:44 I wasn't fired. What did he say? I wasn't sacked. I left of my own accord.

Jordan 0:39:48 Oh, that's 3 years ago. I think everyone got

Ben 0:39:50 Yeah, I know.

Jordan 0:39:52 I

William 0:39:52 wasn't. No. Anyway, Jenna, I agree. I agree with Jordan as well. Hot desking is rubbish. It shouldn't exist. However, for the time being, it's going to exist. So, when you turn up to a new job, you go, right, I know hot desk— it's technically hot desking. Clearly everyone will sit in the same seat. Show me where I can sit. Yeah. Just ask.

Jordan 0:40:09 Because everyone will.

William 0:40:10 Yeah.

Jordan 0:40:11 Everyone sits in the same seat. It's hot desking.

William 0:40:13 Jonathan goes and stands over somebody if they go and sit in his seat, and he just stands there until they move.

Jordan 0:40:19 Does he?

William 0:40:19 Very passive-aggressive, but it suits him. They do it again.

Ben 0:40:23 Some places have it where you have to, like, they put you in a place. Yeah. At Cat's work, it's like, right, it's your desk.

William 0:40:29 Well, that's not officeing, though.

Ben 0:40:29 No, I know. That's what I'm saying. But it's like the opposite where it's like a boss has decided you have to sit there. Would you prefer that? Like to be told, like, right, you have to sit there.

Jordan 0:40:39 You have to sit there. I think bosses should have offices as well, because you get more work done. If you're in— you get more work done.

William 0:40:45 And there are things that are going to be confidential.

Jordan 0:40:47 Yes. And the whole office is going to hear. I agree. And can hear.

William 0:40:50 You can make them glass so everyone can, like, you know, see it. in case nothing bad happens.

Jordan 0:40:56 Do you think certain people need an office?

Ben 0:40:58 I agree.

William 0:41:00 Not Ben, but—

Jordan 0:41:01 Do not give him an office. That's the last thing we need.

William 0:41:03 Cupboard.

Jordan 0:41:04 Put a little cupboard under the stairs.

William 0:41:05 Not even a cupboard, a nook.

Jordan 0:41:07 A glory hole.

Ben 0:41:08 You'd give me a glory hole?

Jordan 0:41:10 Yeah.

Ben 0:41:11 Right.

William 0:41:12 This is— this is from Megan. To all the sexy team, especially Jordan, my favourite.

Jordan 0:41:20 Aww.

William 0:41:20 Oh, fuck you, Megan. Let's go to Chloe's letter.

Jordan 0:41:23 I never get any of that. That's so lovely. Thank you. Thanks, mate.

William 0:41:26 That was probably a bit harsh. To all of the Sex Ed team, I've recently had laser eye surgery. That'll explain it.

Jordan 0:41:32 So has my dad, Greybo. My mum moved him into the other room, 'cause he had things on and he looked like a bee, and she kept having nightmares.

William 0:41:39 After the procedure, my eyes were a bit tender, and I was very conscious of not rubbing them or doing anything that could irritate them further. That evening, my partner and I were both in the mood, so I decided to give him a treat with a nice bit of oral gratification.

Jordan 0:41:51 That's right.

William 0:41:54 And then disaster struck. Literally. His spunk shot out and splashed straight into my freshly lasered eye. Oh, for God's sake. I immediately freaked out. This is exactly the kind of thing the doctor told me to avoid happening. But what is the etiquette for going to your optician with a sore eye and attempting to explain what kind of foreign material has caused your eye to start weeping? Lots of love, Megan. Well, can I take this first?

Jordan 0:42:13 Yeah.

William 0:42:14 Megan, like, you did it, whatever. But I'm not a doctor, but I would imagine a doctor is going to be able to treat you better if you are just honest And you say the truth.

Jordan 0:42:23 They've seen it and heard it all before.

William 0:42:25 Yeah. Just go and be honest.

Jordan 0:42:26 Say, my boyfriend shot in my eye. And if he detects—

William 0:42:30 Or, no, you don't need to say that. You could just go, a bit of semen entered my eye.

Jordan 0:42:35 That's all you need

William 0:42:36 to say. That's fine.

Jordan 0:42:37 Well, sit down. I'm not gonna let you see the doctor. I'm just the rece— 'Cause now the receptionist— the receptionist now—

William 0:42:42 Oh, they ask you what's wrong?

Jordan 0:42:43 Say, what's wrong? I'm like, what's this to do with you? And they're like, what's wrong? And I'm like—

Ben 0:42:49 Got cum in my eye again.

Jordan 0:42:51 Got cum in me eye again, right. Alright, Megan, I'll see you on Monday.

William 0:42:56 And you know that they put the phone down and turn to the other one and go, you'll never guess what.

Jordan 0:42:59 She has eye again.

William 0:43:01 That's slag at number 42.

Jordan 0:43:04 I would definitely be honest. Is it true dentists know when you've been— you've had quite an aggressive blowjob?

William 0:43:12 I'm sorry, what?

Jordan 0:43:13 Is that true? If a dentist goes in your mouth, they can see if you've sucked someone off or something? How? Apparently it's like, back it comes. Sorry.

William 0:43:25 Dentists let us know if that's true.

Jordan 0:43:27 Is that true? I think I've seen that. I've seen it online.

William 0:43:29 It would have to be very aggressive.

Jordan 0:43:30 On Reddit or something like that. They can tell when they know you've—

William 0:43:34 Oh, well, if it's on Reddit, it must be true.

Jordan 0:43:35 I think a dentist could see.

Ben 0:43:37 Sure. The only thing I can think of is if it's your whatever they're called at the back of your throat.

Jordan 0:43:42 Your tonsils. Yeah, that's— I think they can tell if they're a bit damaged. And they know—

Ben 0:43:46 You could have been eating a particularly girthy banana for all they know.

William 0:43:49 How? I mean, you don't eat a banana like that, Ben.

Ben 0:43:52 I wouldn't know how you eat a willy, so I'm sorry.

William 0:43:56 Try that again more convincingly.

Jordan 0:44:02 I wouldn't know how you ate a willy. Jesus Christ.

William 0:44:11 Wow. Yeah, Megan, just be honest. Honest, keep it factual. A bit of—

Ben 0:44:15 Does that happen often in the eye? Was there a sort of a bit of like, maybe shouldn't have been doing it?

William 0:44:19 Well, if your doctor basically— I don't know what the— I mean, it's very specific instructions after laser eyes. Was Graham told not to get any jizz in his eye? Should we text him?

Jordan 0:44:29 Not his age.

William 0:44:31 God. Well, you never know.

Jordan 0:44:32 He's gonna jizz in me dad's eye.

William 0:44:34 Well, it could be self-inflicted. Bloody hell. Well, it could be!

Jordan 0:44:40 I don't want to— oh, can we move on? I'm not even going there.

William 0:44:44 Okay, this is from Chloe. What is the etiquette for giving money to colleagues when they leave your place of work? I find it a really strange tradition that when someone is leaving, we all put money in a card or an online pot. There are 400+ people in my office, and I feel like I get requests to contribute to a leaving collection nearly every week. I'm not tight, and I think it's lovely to get someone you work closely with a personal gift if they retire or are from your smaller team. But is it just me, or is this just odd? I feel like no one says anything because it's one of those things we just do because everyone else does. Would love your thoughts, Chloe.

Jordan 0:45:14 You don't— oh, you remember, Chloe, it is optional, and it should be optional.

William 0:45:18 Completely agree.

Jordan 0:45:18 And if they are on your team and there's someone close to you, then fair enough. I would hate the thought of someone doing a whip round for me. Like, don't— unless it is nice for people that have been there for years, but also the company should really pay for it as well, if you me. If they're a big enough company and you've got 400 people.

William 0:45:34 Yeah, that's ridiculous to contribute.

Jordan 0:45:37 But if it is someone, yeah, just remember it's optional. That's, that's my take on it.

William 0:45:42 If it's someone in your team, fair enough. Or even if it is someone in your team and you, you go, no, I'm not going to contribute to the group gift because I'm getting my own gift for them, that is also fine.

Jordan 0:45:52 That's fine.

William 0:45:53 Or even if you're not going to get your own gift and you don't contribute because money's a bit tight, You don't need to. Yeah, it's all in the heart. Send them a card. You can, or just give them a big hug. Take them out for a drink. Do whatever you're gonna do.

Jordan 0:46:03 What would we get Ben as a leaving present?

William 0:46:05 I don't know. Why not mention it?

Jordan 0:46:07 Just get him a frame. Do you know I've got your bloody framed picture at my house, by the way? Will you come and get it? You know, from the tour. The last tour.

Ben 0:46:15 Yeah, if you invite me over.

Jordan 0:46:17 You've been over. I forgot to get it out for you.

Ben 0:46:19 Yeah, stumbling down the street screaming, where's my bloody camera gone? Last time I left yours.

Jordan 0:46:25 Left his camera.

William 0:46:26 Someone stole it. He just left it as an excuse to come back.

Jordan 0:46:29 It wasn't even a camera, it was an ornamental camera that he had around his neck. I haven't seen any pictures from it.

William 0:46:33 No, actually, I haven't, actually.

Ben 0:46:35 I think I took 2 pictures.

Jordan 0:46:37 Is that it?

William 0:46:37 I think you took one of me.

Ben 0:46:38 I took one of William. Is that it? That was it.

William 0:46:41 Can you develop that and pop it on the carousel?

Ben 0:46:44 I can put it on the carousel.

Jordan 0:46:45 Is that when I walked in on you both? You were having a chaise lounge?

William 0:46:48 Yeah.

Ben 0:46:48 No, that was the second one, then the first one was just out in the patio, which we can share.

Jordan 0:46:52 No. You

William 0:46:53 don't. You don't have a chaise lounge. Chaise lounge— my parents used to have a chaise lounge in their bedroom in the old house.

Ben 0:46:59 A cock-laid chaise lounge.

Jordan 0:47:01 Yeah, that's the original cock chair, innit? A chaise lounge.

William 0:47:05 Well, it's called a fainting couch originally, I think.

Jordan 0:47:08 A fainting couch. You could have a proper good wank on a chaise lounge, can't

William 0:47:12 you? If you can say it.

Ben 0:47:13 A cumming couch.

William 0:47:14 Oh, Benedict.

Ben 0:47:17 Or a cock couch. It's a cuck couch.

William 0:47:20 It's a chaise lounge.

Ben 0:47:20 It's quite hard to say, cuck couch.

William 0:47:22 Maybe ultimately your chair could become a chaise lounge.

Ben 0:47:26 I'm in.

William 0:47:27 I'm in for that. Jack, 'cause that poor Jack's on really looking like a very uncomfortable chair. And you could— Jack could have that chair, and we'll get you a chaise lounge.

Ben 0:47:34 Jack could have my chair? Okay. No, it's not— I just think we could— We're hotdesking.

William 0:47:38 This is from Natasha. Dear William, Jordan, and the Sex Ed crew, is there a correct etiquette for gates? When leaving the house, Should one leave the gate open to indicate that the house is unoccupied, or should it always be closed behind you? I generally think about this every single time I leave the house.

Jordan 0:47:53 Close it!

William 0:47:53 Best regards, Natasha.

Jordan 0:47:54 What, are you mad? Fucking burglars come on in and rob us.

William 0:47:57 No, no, no. I mean, we think— we're not thinking like a big gate. We're just thinking like a little gate at the front of the house. Oh God, thank goodness. You can jump over most gates.

Jordan 0:48:04 Close your gates!

Ben 0:48:06 I'm thinking like Keeping Up Appearances on Celebrity Housewives.

Jordan 0:48:08 I go down my street and close everyone's gates. They always leave 'em open. I'm like, close your gates. I personally think you should always close the gate.

Ben 0:48:15 You close people's gates without their permission.

Jordan 0:48:19 Yeah, I always get funny looks, but I think I'm helping you from burglars. I mean, most—

William 0:48:24 yeah, but most gates, a burglar's not gonna go, oh, that gate's shut, won't touch that house.

Jordan 0:48:28 Well, it's

William 0:48:28 like, I

Jordan 0:48:30 sometimes put the radio on as well so they know I'm in. Not me when I'm on, but my grandma used to do it. She'd put the radio on and Land in Light,

Ben 0:48:40 put Capital Breakfast

William 0:48:41 on. Yeah, we used— my parents used to have— I mean, now you get the wireless.

Jordan 0:48:44 Put wireless on when I If we get burgled.

William 0:48:46 You get smart bulbs now, but you used to have those lights on timers, so they would come on to make it look like you were on, you were still there. Did you ever have the plugs?

Jordan 0:48:54 No.

William 0:48:55 And you'd put in the things and they would tick around.

Jordan 0:48:57 Whilst you were on holiday.

William 0:48:58 And then they would sort of, the lights would come on and then go off at midnight or whatever. You could set it randomly.

Jordan 0:49:03 See, my worries with my house is, when I set my alarm, I always worry it's going to go off when I'm out and neighbours are going to go mad. That's another example.

William 0:49:11 Is it not linked to your phone? So if it does, you'll get an alert on your phone.

Jordan 0:49:15 But then I'm always worried that it won't come off.

William 0:49:17 You can control it from your phone.

Jordan 0:49:19 But then I'm always worried that like it won't.

William 0:49:22 But

Ben 0:49:23 I think the alarm is supposed to go off if like someone comes in though, isn't it?

Jordan 0:49:27 I'm aware of how a burglar alarm works, Ben. Just saying, then I have an extra anxiety that it's going to go off and wake the street up when I'm away at like 2 in the morning or something. Are you with me?

William 0:49:37 Hmm. Yeah, but—

Ben 0:49:39 Yeah. C'est la vie.

Jordan 0:49:40 Do you have a— I don't know where we can go with this legally, but do you have anything for safekeeping by your bed in case you get burgled? Or is that just me and my traumatic childhood? Do you not?

William 0:49:51 What do you mean for safekeeping?

Jordan 0:49:52 Well, if you get burgled, have you not got a—

Ben 0:49:54 Do you have a golf club?

Jordan 0:49:55 Yeah, something like that.

William 0:49:56 Well, we've done this on Luxury Podcast, and Jonathan will say that the law is—

Jordan 0:50:00 You can't—

William 0:50:01 If you had a gun, or a knife or something that is a weapon by your bed, and someone broke in and you used that, alas, you are going to jail, even though they have broken in. Alas. Alas.

Jordan 0:50:14 Yeah.

William 0:50:15 If you happen to have, I know, a rolling pin, let's say, that should belong in the kitchen but it was in the bedroom, you could go, oh, I was doing some baking. I absentmindedly took the rolling pin upstairs. That's why it was in the bedroom, and I used that to whack the burglar round the head.

Speaker G 0:50:31 What about a baseball bat?

William 0:50:32 That one I think is a bit—

Ben 0:50:34 How often are you playing baseball?

Speaker G 0:50:36 Alright, what about a paddle racket?

William 0:50:39 That would be fine.

Ben 0:50:40 Yeah?

William 0:50:41 I mean, I'm not sure that's going to really injure someone.

Ben 0:50:42 It won't do as much. No. I think bottle of Dubonnet. You often have a little tipple at the end of your evening, don't you, in bed?

William 0:50:48 Yep.

Jordan 0:50:48 What about a double-ended 12? That'd fucking hurt, that, wouldn't it?

Ben 0:50:52 Or the cloner willy.

Jordan 0:50:53 Wrapped round your head.

William 0:50:55 Get

Jordan 0:50:55 out! Yeah.

William 0:50:57 Could make a friend.

Jordan 0:50:58 It's ridiculous, that.

William 0:51:00 Turn a burglary…

Jordan 0:51:02 Into…

William 0:51:03 Into a social friend.

Ben 0:51:04 Into a buggery. Cut that. Cut that.

William 0:51:09 No, that was funny! I'm not offended. That's funny.

Jordan 0:51:12 That's funny. Sorry. Burglary into a buggery.

William 0:51:16 Anyway, Chloe— oh no, Natasha, close your gates.

Jordan 0:51:22 Great.

William 0:51:22 This is from Emily.

Jordan 0:51:23 Good for you. Well done.

William 0:51:24 Dearest William, Jordan, and EPB, this isn't so much of a current dilemma, but I'm sure other ladies would like to get your advice on this for possible future occurrences.

Jordan 0:51:32 Well, you've come to the right place.

William 0:51:32 Yes. When I was younger, my boyfriend was going downtown on me, like Petula Clark, and he had his hands under my bottom. This lifted my pelvis in such a way that air was unknowingly sucked into my cavern of dreams. What resulted was, of course, a huge queef right into his face. I can see his hair blowing in the breeze still all these years later. My reaction was to laugh, but he didn't find this at all amusing.

Jordan 0:51:58 Oh, the miserable git. And

William 0:52:00 said I was disgusting. My question is, what is the etiquette when you accidentally let out a massive fanny fart directly into your lover's face? Kind regards, Emily.

Jordan 0:52:07 Every now and then, I think there's gonna be a bit of a queef. So—

William 0:52:11 not my area of expertise, so I can't really help.

Jordan 0:52:15 I think you laugh it off.

William 0:52:16 Yeah, you didn't do it on purp— if you queef or fart from whichever orifice, or burp for that matter, on purpose during an intimate act, not funny.

Jordan 0:52:26 Not funny.

William 0:52:27 Not funny. Absolutely disgusting.

Jordan 0:52:28 If you do it by accident.

William 0:52:29 If it happens by accident, you just pretend it didn't happen and move on.

Jordan 0:52:34 Queef is the funniest word ever, innit?

William 0:52:37 Hmm.

Jordan 0:52:38 Don't think. What's the gay equivalent of a queef?

William 0:52:43 Bweef?

Jordan 0:52:43 Bweef?

William 0:52:44 Beef? Beef? No, a fart. Oh, yeah. It's just a fart.

Jordan 0:52:50 A bottom burp?

William 0:52:52 No. We'll move on.

Jordan 0:52:54 Okay.

William 0:52:54 Thank you for all your questions and dilemmas. They've been so enlightening.

Jordan 0:52:57 Did we answer the queef question?

William 0:53:00 It's not my area of expertise.

Jordan 0:53:01 Yeah. I think you just laugh it off.

William 0:53:03 Laugh it off.

Jordan 0:53:03 Laugh it off. Thank you for your questions and dilemmas. Remember, you can listen to new episodes every Tuesday and Friday and 24 hours before anywhere else on Global Player. And you can watch us on YouTube as well. We put the full episodes up on every release day. Just head to YouTube and search for Sex Ed. We'll see you on Friday.

William 0:53:19 Goodbye.

Jordan 0:53:19 New Patreon episode out tomorrow.