French Rug Penises | And Jordan Works On His Mini

Jordan 0:01:38 That's me. The only manly thing about you is your sneeze. That was so butch.

William 0:01:46 Thank you.

Jordan 0:01:47 That was— did you hear that? Do it again.

William 0:01:51 I can't sneeze on demand.

Jordan 0:01:53 Look at the light. Look right at that light there.

William 0:01:55 I'm like The Weeknd. I feel it coming, but not soon enough. Maybe during the episode, I'll sneeze again.

Jordan 0:02:03 Such a manly sneeze. Who did you get that off?

William 0:02:05 A man.

Jordan 0:02:06 A man. All right, shall we start?

William 0:02:09 Yes, go on.

Jordan 0:02:09 Hello, and welcome to our Friday episode, where we see how much content we can squeeze in, extra content we can get in. How much extra

William 0:02:22 content we can sneeze into your week. Thank you.

Jordan 0:02:26 It's gonna be a good ep. Random things that have been sent in, extra bits that have been going on, and how our advice has gone down with you, our GND-ers.

William 0:02:33 How the dickens are you?

Jordan 0:02:33 I'm good, how are you?

William 0:02:34 Yes, I'm all right. What are you up to this weekend?

Jordan 0:02:36 Um, so I'm, I'm travelling up to record a TV show.

William 0:02:41 Oh yeah, which one?

Jordan 0:02:43 Can't say.

William 0:02:44 Oh yes you can.

Jordan 0:02:46 I'm not allowed to say, I don't think. Okay. Uh, but it's, it's one I've always wanted to do. fine. So probably gonna be the last one.

William 0:02:53 I was gonna say, yeah,

Jordan 0:02:54 yeah. Uh, and then I was gonna go up to see Mum and Dad and stay the night, but she went, well, if you're not getting there for 8, 9, there's no point. I was like, oh, all right, cheers, Wendy.

William 0:03:03 Okay, well, at least you tried.

Jordan 0:03:05 So I might, I might actually go and stay with Mum and Dad. She said she'll make me corned beef hash, which would be worth it just for corned beef hash.

William 0:03:11 Make the journey.

Jordan 0:03:12 Yeah, honestly, Wendy's corned beef hash is second to none.

William 0:03:15 Well, how about yours? Is yours Better?

Jordan 0:03:17 Close second, but

William 0:03:18 okay,

Jordan 0:03:19 hers is second and on,

William 0:03:20 right?

Jordan 0:03:20 Then, uh,

William 0:03:22 or first, we could just say.

Jordan 0:03:23 And then Saturday, chill, watch England,

William 0:03:28 right?

Jordan 0:03:28 And then roast season, innit? So I'll be having a Guinness and, uh, roast dinner on Sunday. What more could you want?

William 0:03:34 Lovely pork.

Jordan 0:03:35 No, I don't do pork.

William 0:03:36 You don't do pork?

Jordan 0:03:37 I've told you this, I don't like pork.

William 0:03:39 Oh.

Jordan 0:03:39 I like sausages, I like bacon, I like gammon, but I don't like pork. I don't mind pork cheek, 'cause I've had that in

William 0:03:46 a— Pork cheek?

Jordan 0:03:47 Pasta before.

William 0:03:49 Gosh. How—

Jordan 0:03:51 I know.

William 0:03:51 Continental.

Jordan 0:03:52 I know. What about you? What you doing this weekend?

William 0:03:54 I'm off to Spain.

Jordan 0:03:56 Well.

William 0:03:57 Just for 3 nights.

Jordan 0:03:59 Where?

William 0:03:59 Well, I don't know if you're aware, I do another podcast, a bi-podcast, and Jonathan's taking me to Frigiliana.

Jordan 0:04:06 Fengerola? Which is where he— Fengerola?

William 0:04:08 Not Fengerola. Frigiliana.

Jordan 0:04:11 Where's that?

William 0:04:11 I can assure you, Fengerola is worlds apart from Frigiliana, It should be Frigiliana is worlds apart from Fuengirola.

Jordan 0:04:17 Where is that?

William 0:04:19 Well, I fly into Malaga. Yeah, that's— It's about— But I think it's the other— It's up in the hills.

Jordan 0:04:25 Yeah, that's where I go. I go Mijas every year.

William 0:04:28 Yeah, it's not far.

Jordan 0:04:29 Mijas? Has he got a place there?

William 0:04:31 He rents— He always goes to the same— You know Jonathan, a creature of habit. He always goes to the same villa. But he's always—

Jordan 0:04:36 I'm gonna have the burger.

William 0:04:37 Yeah, I think I'll have the burger. He's always wanted to take me, and so— We're going. Okay. Can you imagine podcasts that do sort of episodes in Spain? Never catch on.

Jordan 0:04:47 We've done that before.

William 0:04:48 I know, that's the joke.

Jordan 0:04:50 Okay, well, that's great.

William 0:04:52 So I'm doing that.

Jordan 0:04:53 Oh, are you going on your own or are you going with Mikey?

William 0:04:55 No, Mikey's not coming. Mikey said it will just be you and Jonathan getting pissed. So Mikey's gone to see his family.

Jordan 0:05:00 Oh, fair enough. And it will be just you and Jonathan getting pissed.

William 0:05:03 Yes. And— I

Jordan 0:05:04 wish you drank beer. You'd love the beer out in Spain.

William 0:05:08 No. No.

Jordan 0:05:09 Bring us back a cleaning product.

William 0:05:12 Oh, I will.

Jordan 0:05:13 Ask Jonathan.

William 0:05:14 In fact, actually, that is a very good point for me taking quite a big suitcase. I was going to try and take a small one, but I am going to have to bring the Spanish cleaning products back. So actually, I should take the big size.

Jordan 0:05:24 Bring me one back, if you don't mind.

William 0:05:26 Anything in particular?

Jordan 0:05:27 Something for me surfaces. Nice—

William 0:05:31 Kitchen surfaces?

Jordan 0:05:32 Yeah, maybe something for me bathroom. And something for me floors. So whatever.

William 0:05:36 Don't bring back half the shop now.

Jordan 0:05:38 Whatever. Whatever. I want my house to smell like a Spanish toilet, basically.

William 0:05:43 Right.

Jordan 0:05:43 I've said it before, I'll say it again.

William 0:05:45 You see, this is where you and Jonathan are so similar.

Jordan 0:05:48 It's actually scary.

William 0:05:50 There should be a Venn diagram.

Jordan 0:05:51 I would eat my dinner off in a Spanish toilet.

William 0:05:53 And Jonathan's basically—

Jordan 0:05:54 I would.

William 0:05:55 Jonathan's in the middle, and there's you, Jonathan, me. And then Jonathan is a combination of us both.

Jordan 0:06:00 In one of those circle diagram things we talk about.

William 0:06:02 It's a Venn diagram, yes.

Jordan 0:06:04 Is that what they're called? Yes. In a

William 0:06:04 Zen diagram.

Jordan 0:06:06 Is that what you were talking about?

William 0:06:08 A Venn diagram, yeah.

Jordan 0:06:09 A Venn?

William 0:06:10 Yeah.

Jordan 0:06:10 Oh, I'm very good at maths. They'd cross over, wouldn't we?

William 0:06:13 You would.

Jordan 0:06:14 We would be crossing little circles.

William 0:06:17 On a little spectrum. And spectrum certainly comes to mind.

Jordan 0:06:19 Well, enjoy Spain.

William 0:06:21 Thank you so much.

Jordan 0:06:22 Gracias. Remember a couple of weeks ago, I said always pick up the phone when your mum calls, even if it's not convenient. It should be like a rule of life.

William 0:06:29 Okay.

Jordan 0:06:30 And I demanded that Jo set up a poll.

William 0:06:32 You did? You shouted her name.

Jordan 0:06:33 Jo! Jo! Set up a poll. She did. So, the results are in.

William 0:06:38 Okay.

Jordan 0:06:39 Okay, do you wanna hear 'em?

William 0:06:40 I'm like a coiled spring.

Jordan 0:06:42 It was very close, which is worrying, 'cause our Gene Divas are usually lovely people. But it says it was very close. 49% of people agree with me, and 51% would only pick up if it was convenient.

William 0:06:54 Gosh, it's like Brexit.

Jordan 0:06:55 No! You should always pick up the phone to your mum.

William 0:06:58 So, well, 49%, only the minority agree with you.

Jordan 0:07:03 Yeah, 49%.

William 0:07:05 The minority have reported this.

Jordan 0:07:07 If your mum rung now, would you not answer?

William 0:07:08 No, because I'm working. Also, it's not 5:30. She knows that that's our chat time.

Jordan 0:07:14 She rings every day at 5? No.

William 0:07:16 Every other day? She expects me to phone her. She does always go, she used to get really irritated with Granny because Granny would expect my mother to phone her. And my mother would say to Granny, you know you can phone me. And now Mummy completely gets it from Granny's point of view.

Jordan 0:07:28 My mum's the same, to be fair. She doesn't actually ring much. She's like, he rings. So when she does ring, I'm like, yeah, she's the same.

William 0:07:35 If my mother phoned now, I would know there was a problem, and I would probably text her going, I'm gonna phone you in, well, 30 minutes. And then if she texts back going, I need your phone now, I pause the recording.

Jordan 0:07:44 Does she ever slag your brother off to you?

William 0:07:46 No.

Jordan 0:07:47 Oh.

William 0:07:47 Yeah, no, the opposite.

Jordan 0:07:49 Yeah, my mum neither.

William 0:07:50 We wait for that to happen.

Jordan 0:07:52 My mum neither.

William 0:07:52 Jordan, can I just start? Last week, you— we talked about you paying more attention to Instagram than messages, and that you normally respond on DMs or on Instagram, etc. It depends where you've got me. Fine.

Jordan 0:08:04 So— Depends what app I've got open. Okay.

William 0:08:06 Yeah. Where's my treat?

Jordan 0:08:07 What do you mean?

William 0:08:08 Where's my treat?

Jordan 0:08:09 Treat?

William 0:08:10 Yeah. You pay attention to Instagram, yeah?

Jordan 0:08:14 Yeah.

William 0:08:14 Where's my treat?

Jordan 0:08:15 I'm not following.

William 0:08:16 Why don't you get Instagram open now?

Jordan 0:08:19 Treat? I've just— you've just had half me frigging pasta, can I say?

William 0:08:22 So, they were brought— that was specifically brought for me.

Jordan 0:08:25 Right. So, come in, you're like, I came in with a bag of treats from— well, it's from M&S, I can say. And they were like gannets, like I had to slap hands away. I brought some treats in, I've got some buttons, I've got some pistachio Big Daddies, they're called, some Percy Pigs. I had a pasta, right? And then I said to Ollie, do you want a bit? And he went, oh yes please, darling. He had a bit, ate all the chicken, so I was just left with the pasta and sweet corn.

William 0:08:52 You know me, protein, protein, protein.

Jordan 0:08:53 Cheers. And then Ben's finished off my sushi. Hi guys. Hi Ben.

William 0:09:00 If you just go on to the Sexted Story.

Jordan 0:09:01 Sexted Story.

William 0:09:03 Which obviously you've paid attention to.

Jordan 0:09:05 Hi Jordan, you don't read our WhatsApps. We're trying— oh, I've not seen this. Can you bring a treat for William to record later? Cheers. P.S., don't forget to pay him back for the gas. I did bring treats!

Ben 0:09:18 He did bring treats.

William 0:09:19 You did. I did, but I didn't see that. Coincidentally.

Jordan 0:09:21 I actually didn't see that. But I did bring treats. I always bring treats.

Ben 0:09:25 How much do you owe him?

Jordan 0:09:26 Yeah, how much do I owe you? £125. It's going up every week.

William 0:09:30 It's not! It's not at all.

Jordan 0:09:31 £125. I will pay. Can you just remind me when you've got— and I'll just pay.

William 0:09:35 Ironically, some would accuse me of gaslighting you.

Jordan 0:09:37 Just pay. There we go. Just pay. I'll pay you. It's a lot of money now.

William 0:09:41 Okay. Yeah,

Ben 0:09:43 but— Do you know it takes like a second to pay someone?

Jordan 0:09:46 Hmm.

Ben 0:09:47 So you can just do it now.

Jordan 0:09:48 Do you know how long it takes me

Ben 0:09:51 I think the thing is with these tasks, these little tasks, sometimes you just got to do it in the moment. Get it done.

Jordan 0:09:56 After we've done this.

William 0:09:57 Well, I'm going to get you to open up another app in a minute because I want you to have a go at that New York Times crossword. I'm going to help you. We're going to be a team. Okay?

Jordan 0:10:03 I don't need help.

William 0:10:04 I'm offering to give you help.

Jordan 0:10:07 Okay.

William 0:10:08 You don't have to accept it, but I'm offering it if you would like it because it's your first time. Literally, it is great. Honestly, minutes of fun. Or in Jack's case, ours.

Ben 0:10:19 We've been having a bit of New York Times mini crosswords banter before.

Jordan 0:10:25 I heard.

Ben 0:10:26 In the studio.

Jordan 0:10:27 I heard.

William 0:10:28 Same, same class.

Jordan 0:10:30 I came top on Wednesday the 15th of September.

Ben 0:10:32 That was about something else.

Jordan 0:10:34 Minutes of fun.

William 0:10:38 Now look, we—

Jordan 0:10:38 That's my motto, that. Minutes of fun.

William 0:10:44 That's your username. After we talked about the Bayeux Tapestry and—

Jordan 0:10:48 Oh, the French rug!

William 0:10:49 Yes, and the major historical events that would be on a Sexted Tapestry, we asked for our G&D-vas' ideas. Emma, Katherine, Melissa, and Sophie said you falling off your chair.

Jordan 0:11:00 Oh, that could be stitched in.

William 0:11:02 That's a nice one. Loose said our Kylie outfits from the last tour.

Jordan 0:11:06 Yes, definitely.

William 0:11:07 That would look lovely embroidered. Lottie and Zoe said Diego.

Jordan 0:11:11 Yeah, we get Diego on there.

William 0:11:12 He could appear numerous times. It could be like spot Diego.

Jordan 0:11:15 Yeah.

William 0:11:16 Yeah, which is quite nice.

Ben 0:11:17 Like the horses.

William 0:11:18 Yes.

Jordan 0:11:19 Well, is there a lot of horses on the Bayeux Tapestry?

William 0:11:21 Yes.

Jordan 0:11:22 I've never seen it. I've not even seen a picture of it.

Ben 0:11:24 Surely you have.

Jordan 0:11:25 Well, I have, I think.

Ben 0:11:26 It's like horses are like sort of that day's version of Uber.

Jordan 0:11:30 Sure. It was 1060, it was about the— it was just before— it was like in the lead-up to the Battle of Hastings, weren't it?

William 0:11:37 Yeah, it depicts the Battle of Hastings. Oh god!

Jordan 0:11:38 It's well old then, innit?

William 0:11:39 It is quite old, yes.

Jordan 0:11:41 1066.

William 0:11:42 Mm, it's just before 11 o'clock.

Jordan 0:11:44 No, it would've been just after.

Ben 0:11:47 Yeah, just—

Jordan 0:11:47 You've ruined the

William 0:11:48 joke. No! Oh, don't worry. Hannah said it wouldn't feature Cat, because she's never home.

Jordan 0:11:54 Wow.

William 0:11:56 Craig said it should feature Jordan in Skegness. Katie suggested Wendy and William being bitchy to each other.

Jordan 0:12:02 How would we put that across the stage? Clawing. Oh yeah, that's good.

William 0:12:06 Clawing our eyes out. Isabella said the swords from the original could be replaced with clone of Willers.

Jordan 0:12:11 That's a good one. Has he got swords on as well?

William 0:12:13 He's got it all.

Jordan 0:12:15 I'm gonna have to go and see this.

William 0:12:18 It was their equivalent to Coronation Street back in the day.

Jordan 0:12:20 Oh, I'm gonna have to go and see this. I'm over there going, hmm, riveting.

William 0:12:24 Scarlett said it would be a storyboard of Jordan changing over the years. Yes.

Jordan 0:12:28 Oh, like my evolution.

William 0:12:30 Yeah.

Ben 0:12:31 The moustache growing.

Jordan 0:12:32 Yeah. Yeah.

William 0:12:34 Dan said it would show William buying gas. Lily had the same idea, but said if it also included Jordan paying him back, it would be longer than the actual Bayeux Tapestry.

Jordan 0:12:42 I'm gonna pay you back.

William 0:12:44 Kira thought it could celebrate the monumental moment Jordan actually pays William back, if indeed that ever happens quite.

Jordan 0:12:50 Well, tell me the original price instead of the one that you're making up.

William 0:12:52 If you track back over some episodes, you'll find it.

Jordan 0:12:55 Listening back.

William 0:12:56 Andrew said it wouldn't actually feature Jordan, as he'd turn up too late to be included.

Jordan 0:13:00 Well, I don't think people posed for the Bayeux Tapestry, or whatever it's called.

Ben 0:13:05 How many different ways have we pronounced it?

Jordan 0:13:08 I don't think it's like a portrait.

William 0:13:11 No, it didn't work like that. Stephen with a V said 35 metres of Ben saying, hi guys. Ali suggested it would feature, one doth not be a sex podcast, in a beautiful font. And Iz— Said it should feature lots of cocks.

Jordan 0:13:27 Yeah, that'd be good. It's like—

William 0:13:29 They're our production team. They've got names.

Jordan 0:13:31 Hi, is that how big it is? 35 metres? I

William 0:13:38 think it's longer than that.

Jordan 0:13:38 But how did they get that across from France? UPS. Are you winding me up?

William 0:13:45 Yes!

Jordan 0:13:45 How would they— what did they do?

Ben 0:13:47 I think it was a big do, wasn't it?

Jordan 0:13:48 Yeah, what did they do? Did they wrap it up? Did it go in different— Does it go in one lorry?

Ben 0:13:52 Goodness, we are really turning into the bloody Rest Is History, aren't we?

Jordan 0:13:56 It's kind of my new Roman Empire, this. I'm going to start hyper-focusing on the Bay of Tapestry. What's it called?

William 0:14:02 The Bay of Biscay.

Jordan 0:14:03 Why can't I say it? What's it called?

William 0:14:08 The Bayo Tapestry.

Jordan 0:14:09 The Bayo, like mayo.

Ben 0:14:11 Yes, Bayo like mayo.

Jordan 0:14:12 Bayo like mayo. Right, the mayo—

Ben 0:14:14 Is it that though? We're probably getting it wrong as well, because I think last week we said it was made in France, that it was actually made in

William 0:14:20 England. I've looked that up. It's slightly disputed. Most historians think England, but some historians also think France, so…

Jordan 0:14:26 Well, how did they not know?

William 0:14:27 Well, because it was 1066.

Jordan 0:14:31 Well, surely they would've also—

William 0:14:32 It wasn't. It was actually later than 1066.

Jordan 0:14:33 I'm not being funny, but if you've got time to stitch a 35-metre rug, you've got time to write stuff down. So this was made in England.

William 0:14:41 Anyway, speaking of cocks, it says here that producer Ben has prepared a mini quiz on the Bayeux Tapestry to test our knowledge. And Ben? This is now your bit, making use of cut cam.

Ben 0:14:52 Thank you.

Jordan 0:14:52 The Bayeux Tapestry. Bayeux like mayo.

Ben 0:14:55 I've got 3 questions for you.

William 0:14:57 Oh, just 3? Okay.

Ben 0:14:59 Yeah, it's been a busy period.

William 0:15:01 Mini quiz.

Ben 0:15:02 Mini quiz. Okay, question 1. How many penises are featured in the Bayeux Tapestry?

Jordan 0:15:08 Oh.

Ben 0:15:08 Do you want multiple choice?

William 0:15:09 Yes.

Jordan 0:15:10 Yes.

Ben 0:15:10 Is it A, 13? Is it B, 69, or is it C, 93?

Jordan 0:15:18 Now you're interested in going to see it.

William 0:15:21 I'm going to say A. I'll go for A.

Ben 0:15:25 You're saying 13.

Jordan 0:15:26 I'll go, what is it? No, it's not 69.

Ben 0:15:29 Jordan, B is 69, C is 93.

Jordan 0:15:32 Let's work together. We'll go for A.

William 0:15:35 Okay.

Ben 0:15:37 Well, working together or apart, you're wrong. The answer is actually 93.

Jordan 0:15:42 93 cocks!

Ben 0:15:43 Although there is one disputed penis, so it could be 94. Apparently scholar Dr. Christopher Monk believes a dangling shape on a running man is a 94th phallus. Whereas someone else called Garnet argues it's a dagger scabbard. So—

William 0:15:57 Don't get them mixed up.

Ben 0:15:59 It's definitely not 13. It's plenty more than that.

Jordan 0:16:02 93 cocks.

Ben 0:16:03 Okay,

Jordan 0:16:04 it's had more than your rug. Seen more cocks than your rug.

Ben 0:16:14 It feels like it's close to the joke, but—

Jordan 0:16:16 I'll get there eventually.

Ben 0:16:17 It's somewhere close to that. Question 2, how many of these penises—

Jordan 0:16:22 How many fuckers in you? We'll get there.

Ben 0:16:27 We'll get there, we'll get there. Maybe next week. How many—

William 0:16:30 Someone's been shot in the eye on my rug as well. It's a really niche reference.

Ben 0:16:35 Right, we finished?

William 0:16:36 Yes.

Ben 0:16:36 If you pardon the pun. Question 2, how many of these penises are human?

Jordan 0:16:40 Oh, for God's sake.

William 0:16:41 What are the options?

Ben 0:16:42 A, 5. B, 14. C, 50.

Jordan 0:16:50 What, real-life penises that have been stitched into it?

William 0:16:52 No! Well, yes, but just depicted. I'm gonna say 50.

Jordan 0:16:57 He just said there was how many penises?

William 0:16:59 Yeah, but they could be horse penises.

Jordan 0:17:01 Oh, for Christ's sake. Is that the detail on it?

Ben 0:17:04 That's the detail. Well, it could be, I don't know.

Jordan 0:17:06 Oh, what are you saying?

William 0:17:07 That's C, 50.

Ben 0:17:11 The answer is A, 5. So 5 are human, or 6, and 88 of them are horse penises.

William 0:17:20 Wow. Oh,

Ben 0:17:21 it's a lot of willy.

Jordan 0:17:22 He's drawing it. No wonder it took him— how long did it take him? How long did it take him to do it? Like 10 years?

Ben 0:17:28 10 years, I think we said. So you seem— William's now the expert, apparently.

William 0:17:31 Well, I didn't want to give it away because I wondered if they were going to be part of your quiz, but instead, somewhat predictably, the questions have been about dick. I thought you were going to say, when was the Bayeux Tapestry sort of finished, which was 1077.

Ben 0:17:47 So you basically swatted up?

William 0:17:48 Yes.

Ben 0:17:49 Goodness grief. Well, the final question: who has the biggest penis in the Bayeux Tapestry?

Jordan 0:17:56 Why? Why have you turned so much—

William 0:17:59 Red Rum, the horse.

Ben 0:18:00 Well, it's gone viral this week, apparently, the number of penises on Bayeux Tapestry. It's all the rage.

Jordan 0:18:06 Can we have a multiple choice?

Ben 0:18:08 Yes. Is it A, King Harold? Is it B, William the Conqueror? Or is it C, William the Conqueror's horse?

William 0:18:15 I'll go with the horse.

Jordan 0:18:17 Harold, I've—

William 0:18:19 Harold's the one that gets shot in the eye.

Jordan 0:18:21 Yeah, and more known as Well Hung Harold.

Ben 0:18:24 By an arrow.

William 0:18:24 Well Hung Harold. I'm not sure he was. He was Norwegian, so it could be.

Jordan 0:18:29 Yeah, I'm gonna go for Harold.

Ben 0:18:31 It was C, William the Conqueror's horse. Oh, I got one point. Finally a point.

William 0:18:35 Finally a point. Well, that was gripping. Now, talking of BenCam, which was in full use there, we launched it last week. So producer Ben's sitting in his little cuck chair.

Jordan 0:18:45 It's called CuckCam.

William 0:18:46 Well, yeah, he's in a cuck chair on CuckCam. And you can see it in our video episodes on YouTube and Patreon. We asked for our G&D suggestions about what else we could call it. We had a few initialisms. Hannah and Dan suggested we call it EPC, Executive Producer Cam.

Jordan 0:19:02 Yep, that's good.

William 0:19:03 Isabelle said PBTV, Producer Ben TV.

Jordan 0:19:06 That's quite good, PBTV.

William 0:19:08 Peanut butter TV. No comment.

Ben 0:19:11 The bisexuals would love it.

William 0:19:12 Yes.

Jordan 0:19:13 They would.

William 0:19:13 Ailey said EPB CCTV. Hmm? I think we did that on tour. Lucy suggested Producer Perspective. Shani said Big Ben's Little Lens. Very little lens. And Ella's idea was Come and Go Quick Cam. And Tracy said Cum Shot. Not sure I get that. But a lot of people agreed that Cut Cam works, so we'll stick with that.

Jordan 0:19:39 Great, so we're gonna go with Cut Cam.

William 0:19:41 Cut Cam for Producer Ben.

Jordan 0:19:43 Give us a wave on Cut Cam.

William 0:19:44 Can I just ask Jack, inevitably when Ben goes off on another holiday, are you going to be able to be sitting in that chair, and you'll be on Cut Cam? Have we discussed this? BBC.

Jordan 0:19:55 Okay. Are other people allowed in the cuck chair when you're off on cuck cam?

William 0:19:59 Yeah, sure.

Ben 0:20:01 Great.

William 0:20:02 Yeah. When's your next holiday?

Ben 0:20:03 Then they have to be called cuck. I'm not going on holiday ever again.

William 0:20:06 Okay. Why? He's got a camera now. He's staying.

Ben 0:20:09 Yeah, I'm the star. I'm a star now.

Jordan 0:20:11 He's the star.

William 0:20:12 You're not wearing your Where's Wally top, which I think seems weird.

Ben 0:20:14 There's a lot of comments about me looking like Where's Wally. in a blue and white stripy t-shirt wears what is famously red. And obviously I could have added a bit more red to our set, but I went for blue, so I don't think it works. But I appreciate the comments.

Jordan 0:20:27 Darling, I'm gonna stop you there. Welcome to showbiz, you'll never win. Really? Yeah, everyone's got an opinion. Yeah, sometimes you'll wear something twice and they'll go, didn't you wear that a few weeks ago?

Ben 0:20:37 Well, I've gone plain white t-shirt.

Jordan 0:20:38 Yeah, you'll get shit for that. Can't go wrong. Someone will comment now about something. Honestly, you know what they say about opinions?

William 0:20:44 They're like arseholes.

Jordan 0:20:45 They're like arseholes. Everyone's got one.

Ben 0:20:46 It's just part of showbiz. I was also compared to—

Jordan 0:20:50 Don't read the comments. Don't read the comments.

Ben 0:20:52 I never used to read them. Yeah, now you're in.

William 0:20:54 Yeah, welcome to our world.

Jordan 0:20:56 I don't read the comments.

Ben 0:20:57 Is it in Tropical— Simple Pete in Tropical— Tropic Thunder or something? Do you remember that film?

Jordan 0:21:03 Yeah.

Ben 0:21:04 Anyway.

William 0:21:04 Right.

Ben 0:21:05 My haircut was— it was getting barraged. It's not—

Jordan 0:21:08 Yeah, well, don't let it get to you. You be you. Honestly, I won't get out of bed in the morning if I read comments.

William 0:21:14 Some days you don't get out of bed. True. Now, this is so exciting. Get your phone. It's happening, everyone.

Jordan 0:21:22 Okay. Right, what am I doing? The Mini. I'm not paying 69p!

William 0:21:27 We'll be back in a minute.

Jordan 0:21:28 I don't know what— How do you know when you're gonna arrive?

William 0:24:09 Welcome back, GND-ers. Now, producer Ben disgustingly did that in 15 seconds. Congratulations. Zofia did it in 41 seconds. Congratulations, Zofia. Zofia's disappointed with her result.

Ben 0:24:28 15 seconds.

William 0:24:29 I did it in 43.

Ben 0:24:32 Jack— Seconds.

William 0:24:33 Now, Jordan or Jack, what did you do it in?

Jordan 0:24:36 I did it in 3 minutes 41.

William 0:24:38 That's very good for a first time. Genuinely, and I'm not being sarcastic, that is really good for a first time. I did have a lot of help. You didn't know how the app worked either. Jack did it in 1 minute 20. Mikey today did it in 1 minute 23.

Jordan 0:24:48 Okay.

William 0:24:48 But generally, I found the more I do it, the better I get. So you will— Jack, have you found that? Yeah.

Ben 0:24:54 It's like anything.

William 0:24:55 Should we go on to some responses?

Jordan 0:24:57 Let's do it!

William 0:24:58 Lisa is feeling peckish. She needs some cutlery advice.

Jordan 0:25:01 Okay.

William 0:25:02 Wonder which one of us this is for. It's autumn, so naturally I've made my entire personality about making cosy soups. The evening, whilst tucking into a lovingly prepared creamy tomato and basil soup, I said to my husband of 12 years, I think we need to invest in some soup spoons. To which he replied, what is that? Of course, at first I thought this was a joke, but then I proceeded to Google a soup spoon and show him a picture. He looked perplexed and claimed he'd never seen one before, like some kind of cave person. I'm not sure where to begin with my question. Surely at 39 years old, he should be aware of something as everyday as a soup spoon. Please tell me that they aren't that unheard of, and what else do I need to teach him about cutlery? Where do I even begin? Thank you, Lisa.

Jordan 0:25:38 I haven't seen a soup spoon in years, 'cause I just use a normal one. I had them when I were younger. We had them in our house. It's just a circle spoon, innit?

William 0:25:47 Gosh, it was like Downton Abbey, your house, wasn't it?

Ben 0:25:51 They're right next to the strawberry forks.

Jordan 0:25:53 Yes. Just a circle spoon.

William 0:25:54 Wendy, can I borrow your soup spoon?

Jordan 0:25:55 Probably did as well. Yeah. Probably did. Yeah, I might order some soup spoons actually.

Ben 0:26:04 Why though? You

Jordan 0:26:05 never see them anymore.

Ben 0:26:05 They're so pointless.

Jordan 0:26:06 Just use a normal spoon.

Ben 0:26:07 Just use a spoon.

Jordan 0:26:08 And then they're annoying when you use them for yoghurts and and stuff, because they don't fit in, do they? They don't fit in a petit fourlou, a soup spoon.

Ben 0:26:13 Or a fruit.

William 0:26:14 I would say a normal spoon doesn't fit in a petit fourlou. It's a teaspoon.

Jordan 0:26:17 Does she use a normal— do you use soup spoons?

William 0:26:19 For soup. So, I— so, if you want the history, for those that don't know what we're on about, for people like Leesa's husband, a soup spoon is basically round, whereas a regular dessert spoon, as they're called, is ovular. So, it's more of an oval shape. Historically, soup spoons— I feel like an etymology coming up, but you get a bonus one. Historically, soup spoons are basically what we would now call a tablespoon, and they were ovular, and they were much larger. The round soup spoons that we have today, unless you're in your house or Lisa's house or Ben's house, they were technically called a cream soup spoon, and they were for having cream-based soups, not things like bouillon or broth or anything like that, because there were many different types of soup.

Jordan 0:27:03 So, there's different soup spoons for different soups?

William 0:27:05 Yes. And then there was consommé, which you would pick up and drink from a consommé bowl, blah, blah, blah. So, you don't actually need a soup spoon. You are sort of right. So, they are semi-pointless, but they're nice to have. They add a little je ne sais quoi to your table.

Jordan 0:27:20 Do you think?

William 0:27:20 Yes.

Jordan 0:27:20 What else do you think you need apart from a knife and fork?

William 0:27:23 A dessert spoon, a smaller fork and knife, like a luncheon fork and a luncheon knife.

Jordan 0:27:29 Are they, are they like the basics? Your essentials?

William 0:27:33 Yeah, I would say, look, forget all the weird cutlery. You need what are sometimes called small forks, but are luncheon forks, dinner forks, big forks, luncheon knives, dinner knives, soup spoons, dessert spoons.

Jordan 0:27:46 Okay. Do you have a piece of cutlery in your house that you fucking hate? I do. You know, when you pick it up. So, is that one knife or fork and you're like, It's an old one, but you never get rid of it. There's one where one of the prongs is like that. I fucking hate it. I pick it up every other day. There's one in there. Have you got one that you hate?

William 0:28:04 I love all cutlery.

Jordan 0:28:05 Yeah, but is there one in your drawer that you think, I'm gonna get rid of this old bastard?

William 0:28:08 Um, some of Micah's cutlery that when he used to have an office job, he would take in and sort of use in the— in the— I don't love, but I don't touch that. It just sort of sits there.

Jordan 0:28:17 Yeah. Everyone's got like a least favourite bit of cutlery.

William 0:28:21 Yeah. I'm not a big fan on a lobster pick.

Jordan 0:28:23 Have you got one of them in your house?

William 0:28:27 Yes, for teaching purposes.

Jordan 0:28:29 But you never eat lobster. You don't even like—

William 0:28:30 No, but I can teach it.

Jordan 0:28:31 What's a lobster pick look like when it's at home?

William 0:28:34 It's tall and thin. Tall, thin, and lanky. And— That's

Jordan 0:28:38 what we'll call him, Producer Lobster Pick. Oh, fuck off.

William 0:28:42 And it's— I

Jordan 0:28:43 deserve that.

William 0:28:43 It's got 2 little prongs on the top.

Jordan 0:28:46 Oh, okay.

William 0:28:46 It's for picking things out. Anyway, Lisa, good luck to you in the Olympics.

Jordan 0:28:49 Good luck. Get some soup spoons.

William 0:28:51 Shannon has got some info on peanut butter that Jordan might find interesting. Hi, guys.

Jordan 0:28:56 Just back off, bisexuals, please.

William 0:28:58 Here in New Zealand, a local peanut butter company now says Smoochie Peanut Butter. It's a mixture of smooth and crunchy.

Jordan 0:29:05 Oh, have a day off. That's just crunchy.

Ben 0:29:07 Yeah, that's ridiculous.

William 0:29:09 Or do bisexuals like smooth one day, crunchy the next? So maybe this is Orgy Peanut Butter. Whatever it is, it tastes good.

Jordan 0:29:15 I'm gonna call it, it's peanut butter for paedos. If you're eating that, that's— yeah.

William 0:29:21 Wow. I'd just like to point out, if Smoochie Peanut Butter is listening, those are the views purely of Jordan.

Ben 0:29:28 But that's just crunchy.

Jordan 0:29:31 It's just crunchy.

William 0:29:32 It's just less crunchy-ish.

Jordan 0:29:34 Oh, do you know what? Do you know what? To be fair. To be fair, I take that back. I take that back, because I do find some peanut butter brands too crunchy. So, if there's a little less crunchy, they might be onto something there.

Ben 0:29:47 So, okay, I disagree heartily.

William 0:29:52 Laura is exploring an unfamiliar place and is hoping, Jordan, you can help ease her in. Hello, William and Jordan. I wanted to share that I started my new job this week. I've gone from living the London life in a beautiful area of Battersea to Burnley town centre. I've never thought life would take me here, and having never been before, it felt like a familiar place on arrival, thanks to Jordan. Everyone in the new job and the local shops are so kind, helpful, and straight-talking. I understand the love for it. My question is, does Jordan know of any good lunch spots in Burnley town centre I can try? Many thanks and love the pod, it always makes me laugh. Laura.

Jordan 0:30:22 You go to Hafner's, little pie shop. I think Oddie's is— Hafner's Pies.

William 0:30:27 You took me to Oddie's.

Jordan 0:30:28 I took you to Oddie's. I think it went into administration, but I think they've opened a few more now.

William 0:30:35 What, it went into administration?

Jordan 0:30:36 Yeah, but I think it's reopened. I used to love Oddie's.

William 0:30:38 Okay.

Jordan 0:30:39 I'm trying to think. I have been— out around lunch in Burnley for, for ages, to be fair. There's an Easy Cafe. I got a brew there last time I was there. It's like, you know, EasyJet, an Easy Hotel, it's an Easy Cafe now.

William 0:30:52 Really?

Jordan 0:30:53 Yeah, I suppose you could wear it.

William 0:30:55 I would say most cafes are pretty easy to begin with. I don't know if they need to make them easier.

Jordan 0:31:00 Um, I want— can you get back in touch? How come you've moved from Battersea to Burnley? What's going on there? What's your job? I'm intrigued to know. But yeah, I'd also say, um, definitely go on the football on a Saturday because you can make some new friends and that there. But also there's loads of beautiful surrounding areas.

William 0:31:19 Yes, Manchester. No,

Jordan 0:31:23 where's the one where Mum and Dad went? Where's the one where all lesbians live?

William 0:31:26 Um, Hebden Bridge.

Jordan 0:31:28 Hebden Bridge is beautiful. Yeah.

Ben 0:31:30 Glossop?

Jordan 0:31:30 That's not near Burnley.

Ben 0:31:32 Is it not?

William 0:31:32 You only asked.

Jordan 0:31:34 I think there's a McDonald's in town centre if you want a lunch there.

William 0:31:37 It's got it all.

Jordan 0:31:38 I'm trying to think where else you can go for lunch. Leave that one with me.

William 0:31:41 Zoe has retained some important information from listening to us.

Jordan 0:31:44 Dear William— Oh, there's a butty shop next to Turf. I can't remember the name now. Ask for a Molly Burger, they'll sort you out.

William 0:31:50 Dear William, John, and the Sex Ed team, hello. Zoe from Holdenby, Northamptonshire here. Longtime listener, but this is my first time writing. Just thought this might make you laugh. My parents and I visited the Battle of Britain Memorial Flight Museum recently, as we had been along to RAF Coningsby many times to watch jets, but had never been on the tour. We had a lovely gentleman take us around in a small group on the tour, telling us about the Spitfire, Hurricane, and Dakota. I did plenty of polite nodding, as whilst I enjoy aviation, I'm not an expert by any means. The reason I'm writing in is because when the tour guide asked, who knows which pilot was in a relationship with Princess Margaret, I did not hesitate with the answer. Group Captain Peter Townsend. Peter Townsend! The rest of the group was silent, and my mum looked at me rather incredulously. How do I explain to her that the reason I know this is because Britain's Best Etiquette expert William Hanson wants 2 corgis with these names. Thank you, William, for making me look smart. This is knowledge I never believed would come in so handy. Love the podcast as always. Lots of love to you all. Zoe.

Jordan 0:32:46 Zoe, I'd have thought more people would have known that with The Crown.

William 0:32:48 Maybe Zoe and— haven't watched The Crown.

Jordan 0:32:51 Everybody's seen The Crown.

William 0:32:53 Not everyone's seen The Crown.

Jordan 0:32:54 Group Captain Peter Townsend, she picked a little bit of fluff off his jacket and a journalist seen it and thought, hang on, they're shagging.

William 0:32:59 Yeah.

Jordan 0:33:00 And they did. Subtle.

William 0:33:03 Yeah. It was, I mean, that was the '50s for you.

Jordan 0:33:04 That was— Yeah, well, if you pick—

William 0:33:05 It was basically a handjob back then.

Jordan 0:33:07 Yeah, yeah.

Ben 0:33:07 Hang on, I think you've got something on your jacket. Do you want to just— can I just pick that off for you?

Jordan 0:33:11 A felt ball.

William 0:33:12 It

Jordan 0:33:12 is a sign of affection, picking a bit of fluff off.

Ben 0:33:15 So that is— Yeah. That is—

William 0:33:16 Is it intimate?

Ben 0:33:17 Intimate.

Jordan 0:33:19 No. Affectionate.

William 0:33:21 Right. But if I pick some fluff out your bum, that would be intimate because I'd be into you.

Jordan 0:33:26 You'd be into it. Fine, okay. Inside me. In my anus. In my bumhole. It'd be in my hole. I'd

William 0:33:36 be in therapy. That's what I'd be in. And Emily has a tale to share regarding a wee hammock. Dear William Jordan, EPB, Izzy, Jump Cut Jack, Social Joe, and Zofia. After— sorry, Stu. After Jordan spoke—

Jordan 0:33:46 I'm Rodrigo. I'm not a puppet. I'm a lion.

William 0:33:50 After Jordan spoke on a recent episode—

Jordan 0:33:52 I love that Rodrigo's turned into a new impression. I don't care for your English.

Ben 0:33:57 You sound French.

Jordan 0:33:58 I don't care for your English banter.

Ben 0:33:59 You're doing your French accent.

Jordan 0:34:01 I am a lion. Cheers, Rodrigo. You are not welcome.

William 0:34:07 After Jordan spoke on a recent episode about his love of a sit-down wee, I had to share the bizarre way I discovered that this was even a thing. During our honeymoon flight to Thailand, my husband whispered in horror that he'd lost his wedding ring on the plane. The crew suggested waiting until we landed to search properly. So once everyone was off, cue 5 air hostesses crawling around under the seats while my mortified husband watched on. A few minutes later, My husband disappeared to the bathroom and emerged triumphantly holding his wedding ring. The air hostesses were completely perplexed. They'd already searched the bathroom from top to bottom. Where on earth had he found it? His boxers. And this was how, on my honeymoon, I discovered the sit-down wee hammock. My husband had—

Jordan 0:34:46 Yes! Is that what it's called? The amount of times I've put my trousers on, and my phone's been in there.

William 0:34:52 I am so not touching your phone ever again.

Jordan 0:34:55 Is that what they call it? Oh, the hammock. I've lost stuff before. My work pass, pulled me trousers up and go, ooh, it's gone up crack of me arse. That's— of course you do put stuff in your little— oh, that's genius. I thought that was just me that did that.

William 0:35:10 That is so unhygienic.

Jordan 0:35:11 No, it's just, you know, like when you're on the toilet, you got your boxes there, and if you just put— you can just rest them on and like little— sometimes I've gone like You go to wipe your bum and you put your phone there.

Ben 0:35:24 No.

Jordan 0:35:26 Anyway, the sit-down wee hammock, that is genius. Carry on.

William 0:35:29 My husband explained that when some men sit down to wee, they use the front of their boxers as a little hammock for their belongings— phones, wallets, etc.

Jordan 0:35:37 See?

Ben 0:35:38 Jordan's giddy with excitement.

Jordan 0:35:40 I didn't know it was called that. I put cash in there and all sorts.

William 0:35:44 He'd apparently been fiddling with his wee.

Jordan 0:35:45 I got accused of stripping once. Came home with a fiver up me arse.

William 0:35:50 He'd apparently been fiddling with his new wedding ring during an earlier wee, dropped it into said hammock without noticing, and been carrying it around in his pants ever since.

Jordan 0:35:58 Genius.

William 0:35:59 I've told countless men this story, and the reaction is always split. Half immediately know exactly what the hammock is. The other thinks my husband is insane. I mean, the question here, we've answered this. So Jordan, given your love of a sit-down wee, I need to know, do you use the hammock?

Jordan 0:36:12 Yes.

William 0:36:12 Yours in embarrassment, Emily.

Jordan 0:36:14 I've lost my work pass. And it's been in me undercrackers for about 10 minutes. I thought, oh, he's— hang on. It's like a party trick. It's there.

William 0:36:23 That's why

Jordan 0:36:23 I'm— Keys. Phone.

William 0:36:26 I think it's disgusting. Do you wipe your phone down at home?

Jordan 0:36:29 Well, no, 'cause I don't wanna put it on a dirty floor.

William 0:36:31 No, no. Yeah. Totally get— totally understand that.

Jordan 0:36:35 So you just put it in your undercrackers.

William 0:36:35 Okay, whether you put it in your undercrackers or not, are you def—

Jordan 0:36:38 Will you stop saying undercrackers?

William 0:36:39 You started it! Do you wipe your phone down?

Jordan 0:36:42 Not really.

William 0:36:43 Right, that's vile. I'm going to— In fact, are they antibac wipes on the side over there?

Jordan 0:36:48 I'll give it a wipe. I haven't done it for a while.

William 0:36:51 Thank you. Zofia is—

Jordan 0:36:53 Yeah, but there's not gonna be germs in your boxes. Just

William 0:36:57 body germs.

Jordan 0:36:59 I don't put it where your bum goes.

William 0:37:01 Should we get a microbiologist in, and we'll swab Jordan's boxes? Thank you, Zofia. Jordan, give me your phone, please. It's a biohazard. Universal wipes, yes.

Jordan 0:37:13 Do I have to?

William 0:37:14 And I'm doing the case as well.

Jordan 0:37:16 It's cracked. Oh, that's screen recording. Oh, for God's sake. Now I've got a 12-minute screen recording. Joe, do a poll. If any of our listeners have heard of the— what's it called?

William 0:37:32 Hammock.

Jordan 0:37:33 What kind of hammock is it?

William 0:37:35 Sit-down wee hammock.

Jordan 0:37:36 The sit-down wee hammock. If you've heard of this, please get in touch.

Ben 0:37:39 Or if you've done it.

Jordan 0:37:40 If you've done it, get in touch. Do girls not do it? Sit-down wee hammock.

Ben 0:37:45 You couldn't really do it with a thong, at the very least.

Jordan 0:37:47 Well, no, you could balance it on it.

Ben 0:37:48 That would be some balancing act.

Jordan 0:37:50 Sit-down wee hammock. I bet there's some girls that have done it.

William 0:37:53 Right.

Ben 0:37:54 Yeah, but it'd have to be big granny pants or something, wouldn't it?

William 0:37:58 Right, should we do comment of the week?

Jordan 0:37:59 Yes. Let's finish with our comment of the week. This can be from Patreon, YouTube, or Any of our socials.

William 0:38:07 Before we get to our favourite one, here are some honourable mentions. Purple Haze says on YouTube, the video featuring the launch of BenCam, CuckCam, says, guys, I'm gonna be honest. Not here for Ben, alright? Not spelt correctly. Don't care how much everyone, including you guys, likes him. Already found it a bit tedious having to pay attention to the other weirdos you employ.

Ben 0:38:30 They are weirdos. Charming.

Jordan 0:38:31 Charming. You know, that's not very nice, is it? If you haven't got something nice to say, don't say it at all.

William 0:38:36 And I thought I'd commented that on my public account, but alas.

Jordan 0:38:39 Do you have a burner account?

William 0:38:41 No, not on YouTube.

Jordan 0:38:42 Like Channing Tatum.

William 0:38:43 Does Channing Tatum—

Jordan 0:38:45 You've not heard of her? No. Sorry.

William 0:38:47 Social Jo nominated her own comment on the BenCam reel because she's very proud of it, and she's in charge of choosing the comments this week. It can be tricky to introduce a third into a long-term arrangement. Yes.

Jordan 0:38:58 True.

William 0:38:59 Comment of the week comes from Ed, who commented in the Gee and Diva group chat on Patreon. It's free for anyone to join, by the way. I went to the same school as William, but I ended up much more a Jordan. I credit it to leaving that school at 13. Saturday school? No thanks. And instead going to a school where people were smoking and fingering.

Jordan 0:39:17 I went to a school where people were smoking and fingering, sometimes at the same time, and it never did me any harm.

William 0:39:23 No. You have a sit-down wee hammock now.

Jordan 0:39:26 Exactly. If you want to get in touch about something that isn't a dilemma or a problem, drop into our DMs or send us an email to help@sexwithmyboss.com.

William 0:39:34 And if 2 episodes a week of Sex Ed isn't enough for you, then why not check out our brand new Patreon channel, Help I Sex Ed My Boss Out of Office, for ad-free listening and an extra brand new episode every Wednesday.

Jordan 0:39:48 We also love hearing back from the people we offer advice to, so if that's you, get back in

William 0:39:54 Goodbye.

Jordan 0:39:54 Bye-bye.