Jordan’s Personal Preferences | And Object Upgrades

William 0:01:34 I thought you were getting rid of your moustache. Did you not get rid of that?

Jordan 0:01:39 Um, I've decided it might be an autumn/winter thing. Oh, fuck. 'Cause the, uh, very, very many disappointed Gene Deavers. One of them DM'd me and said, I can't cope without your tash.

Speaker E 0:01:53 And you said what?

Jordan 0:01:54 I said, well, I'll grow it back. Terry.

Speaker F 0:01:57 And you think he's joking.

Jordan 0:02:00 And Terry said, thank you. And then he said, how much for your used socks? And I said, don't take it too far, Terry. 50 quid. Oh, wow, Terry. Hello and welcome to our Friday episode where we see how much extra content we can squeeze into your week. Random things that have been sent in, extra bits that have been going on, and how our advice went down with you, our GND-ers.

Speaker F 0:02:30 What's she doing this weekend?

Jordan 0:02:31 This weekend? Ooh, a doodle doodle doo. Obviously I will be watching Hell Pie Sex with My Boss live on Patreon. Okay, nice plug. We are now on Patreon, sexwithmyboss.com/patreon, if you want to see us there. So I am actually going to do that. I'm super buzzing. I'm going to get it up on telly and everything.

Speaker F 0:02:50 Good.

Jordan 0:02:51 I'm going to watch the tour and the backstage. BTS behind-the-scenes bits of the tour. Not great. Which I'm kinda dreading in a way, if I'm honest. Do I come across tired at times?

William 0:03:02 I've actually only seen one bit, which is after the fail— the sort of— The failed costume change. The really hard bit in the costume change.

Speaker F 0:03:10 And it cuts to the car, and we all look like—

Jordan 0:03:12 Oh.

Speaker F 0:03:12 We are so pissed off at each other. Well, not actually with each other, actually. Just pissed off at the—

Jordan 0:03:16 Okay. I think I saw— I wanna watch this. I wanna watch this. So, uh— Oh, have we got the bit where he stormed out of KFC in the service station?

Speaker F 0:03:23 Alas, that did not.

Jordan 0:03:24 I didn't stop. Why has that been cut?

Speaker F 0:03:28 Don't know if it was filmed, actually.

Jordan 0:03:29 They were taking piss in there. They were.

Speaker F 0:03:32 35 minutes for a KFC.

Jordan 0:03:34 Oh my goodness.

Speaker F 0:03:36 Well, we've got a show to do.

Jordan 0:03:37 Oh, that was stressful. That was stressful.

William 0:03:39 I felt sick.

Speaker F 0:03:41 I'll tell you who it was that really wound me up. Okay, and it was— well, I was being wound up anyway because it was taking forever for our order to come through. I didn't even want KFC. I was being made to try my first KFC. So that was taking forever. And then just as I'm really beginning to lose it, 2 members come up, Ben and Mikey, and they order food as well! What?! Delaying us further!

Jordan 0:04:05 We had to cancel an interview for that. Guys, hang on a second.

William 0:04:11 Rewrite the bloody history books. He's not wrong. I came after— like 30 seconds after you.

Speaker F 0:04:17 It was not 30 seconds. And can I just say, that KFC—

Jordan 0:04:19 Nobody ate it. It just fucking stunk the coach out for the rest of the trip. Anyway, hopefully that made it. Yeah, that's not in the cut, so enjoy that.

William 0:04:27 Well, it should be, because that's IRL.

Jordan 0:04:28 That's the real William Hanson right there. So I'm gonna be watching that, and then—

Speaker F 0:04:34 I'll tell you what is in there. Jordan performatively putting rubbish away in the bin in Manchester when we arrive. Look at me! Are you getting this on camera? This is what you do. I'm just putting some rubbish away.

Jordan 0:04:45 Did I?

Speaker F 0:04:46 That's in there.

Jordan 0:04:47 So I don't remember that. So I'll be doing that this weekend, and then Friday I'm gonna be doing— I've got friends coming around, I'm playing Five Crowns. Oh, it's a good game.

William 0:04:54 I did it on holiday.

Jordan 0:04:55 Did you get into it?

William 0:04:56 On your recommendation.

Jordan 0:04:57 Yeah, did you? It's basically rummy. Yeah, I love it. Oh, it's class.

William 0:05:00 Yeah, get the whole family loved it, Jordan.

Jordan 0:05:03 Did they actually? Yeah.

William 0:05:04 Oh, we were only able to play in short windows because we got niece, my niece Emmy Lou, so it was when she was sleeping.

Jordan 0:05:10 But Five Crowns, Did you actually get into it?

William 0:05:12 Yeah, and it's always awkward bringing a game because you never know the response, but with that one—

Jordan 0:05:16 Everyone loves it. We'll get you on Cat Round.

William 0:05:18 We've got the viewing party, we've got 5 crew.

Speaker F 0:05:21 Yeah, we've basically got everyone, so might as well move in.

Jordan 0:05:22 What are you doing this weekend?

Speaker F 0:05:24 Um, what am I doing this weekend? I'm going to—

Jordan 0:05:26 Apart from watching us on Patreon. Yes, obviously.

Speaker F 0:05:30 Uh, I'm going to The Producers closing night. Um, that's closing in London at the Ivy Theatre. I've always wanted to see that. Well, you've missed it.

Jordan 0:05:36 Uh, and, uh, um, super, thanks for— that's not The Producers. That's not The Producers, no. Big Gay Al. Where's that come from? I'm super, thanks for asking. Don't you think I look nice in this hat? That's, that's South Park the movie, innit?

Speaker F 0:05:54 I've never seen that.

Jordan 0:05:55 Big Gay Al. You've never seen that?

Speaker F 0:05:56 No.

Jordan 0:05:57 Oh, it's funny.

Speaker F 0:05:57 Okay.

Jordan 0:05:58 Have you ever seen the other one, Team America?

Speaker F 0:06:00 No.

Jordan 0:06:00 I'm so— I can't sing Lonely.

Speaker G 0:06:03 So good.

Jordan 0:06:04 It's so good. Matt Dame— I nearly said Matt Damon like that on the radio.

Speaker F 0:06:09 I've got that, and then I'm working on Sunday doing an English Manor afternoon tea etiquette masterclass. So, it's a short weekend for me.

Jordan 0:06:16 Well, you're very lucky.

Speaker F 0:06:19 Small violin.

Speaker H 0:06:20 What have you got for us today then, please?

Speaker F 0:06:23 Well, last week we chatted about the latest Dyson toothbrush and questioned whether we really needed a toothbrush with a built-in camera. So, naturally, we took to socials to ask our GNDivas what object do they think is crying out for a major upgrade. Most of them replied Producer Ben. But to get— Wow. To get the G&D-ers' imaginations going, the example the team chose to give was a Fleshlight with a built-in hand warmer.

Speaker I 0:06:55 Also known as Producer Ben.

Jordan 0:06:58 That's good. A Fleshlight with a built-in—

Speaker F 0:07:06 Hand warmer. So it warms 2 things at once. Warm your hand as well. Good for winter. It's disgusting. Use it in the Arctic. L. Coxie suggested that we invent heated loo paper.

Jordan 0:07:18 That's not a bad shout.

Speaker F 0:07:20 That's not a bad shout. I don't know how it would work. 'Cause you wouldn't want it to be electrical.

Jordan 0:07:24 Hear me out. There's one thing I like about the winter.

Speaker F 0:07:26 What?

Jordan 0:07:27 The cold seat on your bare bum. I do. It makes you feel alive. Do you not think? I actually get a bit of a kick out of it. I do quite like it. Sometimes I'm in the shower, I put my back on the cold tiles. Is that just me?

Speaker F 0:07:42 Yeah.

Jordan 0:07:43 Is it? No, when you're in the shower and you just go, woo! Get a bit of a kick out of it. Some people like nipples, I like cold toilet seats.

Speaker F 0:07:51 To each their own.

Jordan 0:07:53 Sue me.

Speaker F 0:07:53 Hannah suggested a self-sorting washing machine.

Jordan 0:07:56 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker F 0:07:57 Yeah, something that folds the socks for you. That would be very nice. Gen Z Izzy. It's not here this week.

Jordan 0:08:03 She's formerly of this parish, currently in a parish.

Speaker F 0:08:07 A different parish. Uh, the Holy City.

Jordan 0:08:10 She's retraining to be a nun. It's not going well.

Speaker F 0:08:18 Um, suggested a see-through toaster. I actually think I might have seen that.

Jordan 0:08:24 Oh my God, she's actually— fair play to her, I'll give you that. I know she'll be listening now. She'll be texting me as this is going. As she's listening to us.

Speaker F 0:08:30 Well, I might have a text from her in a minute to play you. Tab suggested a chair with a dildo attached.

Jordan 0:08:37 I'm sure. I've seen that on— Jordan, Bruno.

Speaker F 0:08:38 I've had one of those for years.

Speaker I 0:08:39 Yeah, I'm sat on one right now.

Jordan 0:08:41 Fucking hell, Ben. I've seen that on Bruno, where he's got the little bike. He's sitting on Bruno. The seat's a dildo, and you go—

Speaker F 0:08:51 Wow.

Jordan 0:08:52 They don't make 'em like these days.

Speaker F 0:08:54 Caitlin, thank God. Caitlin—

Jordan 0:08:55 Films, not dildo chairs.

Speaker F 0:08:57 Caitlin suggested a bath with a bubble tap. That's quite sensible.

Jordan 0:09:02 Because you can get hot taps now.

Speaker F 0:09:04 You can get what?

Jordan 0:09:05 We've got them at work. You literally have to wank a tap off to get hot water. That's why I'm showing you. It's so degrading to make a brew now. People have got— what are they called, those taps? Quarker? Quarker. Cooker. Cooker. You've got to go—

William 0:09:24 More like cocker.

Jordan 0:09:25 And you've got to wank the tap off to get a fucking brew. Have you ever used one? And someone's got to use your thumb and finger, and you're like, what are you doing? I'm trying to make a fucking brew.

Speaker J 0:09:35 Stop trying to make a fucking big cup.

Jordan 0:09:39 Come on. Come on, hurry up. I've got work in the morning.

Speaker F 0:09:43 Chris says, a voice-activated vibrator. Presumably you go harder, faster, on, off.

Jordan 0:09:51 AI.

Speaker F 0:09:51 Yeah. Michael, a spatula that knows when to flip things. How would that work?

William 0:09:58 So, like a spatula that had like a little camera on it.

Jordan 0:10:00 Sure, that was on The Simpsons. That would be amazing.

Speaker F 0:10:02 EJC suggested a self-cooling pillow. Again, I'm sure I've seen an Instagram ad.

Jordan 0:10:09 Oh, that'd be class. I've seen some sort of special mattress that heats or cools. No, I'd love— see, everyone wants, everyone wants like blanket warmers. I'd love a, like a cold pillow that just stays cold.

Speaker F 0:10:20 I saw something recently about that the Japanese sleep generally on like, they're not— well, they're pillows of sorts, but they're sort of Sculpted and quite firm, which is why they have very good jawlines. Whereas because we sleep on soft, generally over time our jawlines— it's not really good for our jaw. I don't know if that's true or not. They adjust their sleep, the Japanese.

Jordan 0:10:39 They do.

Speaker F 0:10:40 And they sleep on quite firm mattresses, or indeed the floor. Johnny, a potato peeler with a built-in flashlight. Is that—

Jordan 0:10:49 That's clever.

Speaker F 0:10:50 Gosh, you don't get that mixed up, do you?

Jordan 0:10:52 Wendy, can I borrow your flashlight potato peeler? It's got a ring to it, that, hasn't it?

Speaker F 0:10:56 Johnny, do you not have electricity at home? Turn the light on.

Jordan 0:10:58 Oh no.

Speaker F 0:10:59 Why?

William 0:10:59 You never know when you need a flashlight.

Jordan 0:11:01 I love— I have a bit of a flashlight obsession. I've got loads of torches in my house. I love a good torch. Why? Don't know, I've always had them.

William 0:11:09 I don't even know if I've got a torch.

Speaker F 0:11:10 How many torches do you have?

Jordan 0:11:12 4, 5?

Speaker F 0:11:13 4? 5! 5?

Speaker J 0:11:16 On my shoes.

Speaker F 0:11:17 Amy, a spicy margarita glass with a self-salting rim. Well, the dream. And Jamie suggests a human-sized hand dryer for a good blow after a shower.

Jordan 0:11:29 That's a great idea.

Speaker F 0:11:31 To be fair, when I go and have spray tans, he presses a button, and then you stand in this thing, it goes, and it blows hot air. Actually, cool air, actually.

Jordan 0:11:38 You have it in Pleasure Beach as well.

Speaker K 0:11:40 Yeah, you have it. With Valhalla.

Jordan 0:11:41 You have it in Thorpe Park. Yeah.

William 0:11:45 After Tidal Wave.

Jordan 0:11:46 Wouldn't it be good to just have a toothbrush? that just brush your teeth.

Speaker F 0:11:49 You just send that, ah, ah, ah.

Jordan 0:11:51 Bit Harry Potter. I'd love to have been a wizard.

William 0:11:53 Well, the bubble bath tap is a bit Harry Potter, isn't it? That was in Harry Potter.

Jordan 0:11:56 Then, Brumo la brush la tifo, and you could just do your teeth like— I was walking around, ah. Be quite clever, that. It would be quite clever, yes.

Speaker F 0:12:05 We also had a major disagreement, Jordan, on last Tuesday's episode about what actually counts as intimate. Because you thought intimate was something very different. I believe something as simple as holding hands is intimate.

Jordan 0:12:16 I don't.

Speaker F 0:12:17 Whereas Jordan believes intimacy begins somewhere around being bent over the kitchen table.

Jordan 0:12:22 I just think you've got to be in them to be intimate. So whether it's a tongue in them, that's intimate.

Speaker F 0:12:28 So if we're— okay, so if we're holding hands, this is not intimate. No, that's affection. You let me know when this—

Jordan 0:12:33 That's affectionate.

Speaker F 0:12:33 Okay, so I'm sort of stroking your knuckles.

Jordan 0:12:35 That's affection.

Speaker F 0:12:36 That's affection. So okay, so it goes affection and then intimacy, or is there anything in between?

Jordan 0:12:41 So if you see that finger, if you stuck that in me arse, that would be intimate.

Speaker F 0:12:45 Alright, come over here.

Jordan 0:12:48 But if you kissed me and stuck your tongue in my— that to me would be intimate.

Speaker F 0:12:52 But if I— if I give you a kiss on the cheek, is that intimate or not?

Jordan 0:12:55 No, but if you kissed my ear, 'cause you're going in—

Speaker F 0:12:58 I would not be doing that.

Jordan 0:12:59 I don't like a tongue in my ear. Makes me go giddy.

Speaker F 0:13:01 Giddy? If I licked you— okay. Okay, fine. Ralph. If I licked your arm, is that intimate?

Jordan 0:13:13 No, that's weird.

Speaker F 0:13:15 Yeah, I know.

Jordan 0:13:16 Why would you lick— why are you going—

Speaker F 0:13:17 If I licked your cheek, is that intimate?

Jordan 0:13:19 No.

Speaker F 0:13:21 If I licked your neck, is that intimate?

Jordan 0:13:23 Neck is borderline intimate. No, that's— Or is that still affectionate? Like I've said, you've got to personally put— For me, that's how I see it. I might be wrong, but in my mind, intimate means inserting or just being in them.

Speaker F 0:13:36 If you and I were in bed and we were spooning, is that intimate? 'Cause I'd say yes.

Jordan 0:13:43 If I could feel your balls and willy, yeah. on my cheek.

Speaker F 0:13:48 Okay, if we're spooning top halves pressed to each other, and our bottom halves are very pointedly away from each other, because we will not in any way want to come across as gay. Is that intimate?

Jordan 0:14:01 Slightly. Are we still gonna be doing this when we're 40?

Speaker F 0:14:04 What?

Jordan 0:14:05 Willy jokes and stuff and what have you.

Speaker F 0:14:07 One of us probably will be.

Jordan 0:14:08 Yeah.

Speaker F 0:14:08 You'll move on.

Jordan 0:14:09 But that's intimate. That's how I interpret intimacy.

Speaker F 0:14:12 Okay, well— We asked the G&D-ers to send us further questions that we will decide whether they're intimate or not. God. Casey, picking off— oof, that's disgusting. Picking off your partner's sunburn.

Jordan 0:14:23 Meh, affectionate.

Speaker F 0:14:26 Affectionate.

Jordan 0:14:27 Yeah.

Speaker F 0:14:27 Beyond the call of duty. Tanisha, staring into each other's eyes.

Jordan 0:14:32 Meh, passionate.

Speaker F 0:14:39 Niamh sitting on someone's lap.

Jordan 0:14:41 No.

Speaker F 0:14:44 I'd say that's quite intimate. Maybe not as intimate on the scale of intimacy. It's not as—

Jordan 0:14:48 Dunno, really. Keep going.

Speaker F 0:14:50 Connor sharing roll-on deodorant. Disgusting.

Jordan 0:14:55 Disgusting. I asked a lad in Giro if I could borrow his deodorant. No, you didn't! He chucked me his roll-on. I went— I went—

Speaker F 0:15:03 You went, no, you come and do it.

Jordan 0:15:06 Yeah, I'd say that's quite intimate. Sharing a roll-on deodorant. What?! It's like sharing a toothbrush. It goes in, doesn't it? It goes in.

William 0:15:13 That doesn't go in.

Jordan 0:15:14 I'd say that was intimate.

Speaker F 0:15:16 Removing a 2-week-old tampon from my private area. As in, you're doing it yourself, Meg, or you're asking someone else to do it? Someone else is doing it.

Jordan 0:15:24 Again, that's— That's inside. That's intimate.

Speaker F 0:15:26 That's intimate. In fact, that's beyond intimate. Yeah. Emma, seeing each other on the loo. No, that's disgusting.

Jordan 0:15:33 Have you never seen Mikey on the loo?

Speaker F 0:15:34 Well, I have, but we try not— we shut the door and we don't. We try not to, you know, let the other see. Nate, pooing in front of each other. Again, same thing.

Jordan 0:15:44 I wouldn't say that was intimate. Nah. Because it's coming out. I don't know.

Speaker F 0:15:50 Lauren, throwing my used chewing gum away for me. Oh. I mean, if it's in a tissue, then—

Jordan 0:15:55 That's quite intimate, because again, it's in your body, so it's coming out.

Speaker F 0:15:58 Paige, on the plane when your arm hairs touch the stranger's next to you.

Jordan 0:16:03 It's just weird.

Speaker F 0:16:05 Yeah, I'll try not to let that happen. Gclough, using the same towel. Desperate. That's what that is. I would not do that unless you are absolutely desperate. Nath, I think I know what you're going to say for this. A prostate exam.

Jordan 0:16:18 Oh, extremely intense.

Speaker F 0:16:19 Because they're in you.

Jordan 0:16:20 Yeah.

Speaker F 0:16:20 Yeah. Susie.

Jordan 0:16:22 Why nobody likes getting them done at the doctor's. Well, you don't want a stranger fingering your arse, do you? I mean—

William 0:16:28 Well, it's going to have to be a stranger unless you know a prostate doctor.

Jordan 0:16:30 What you get up to in your private life is fine.

Speaker F 0:16:34 And, uh, Susie says sharing—

Jordan 0:16:35 You know, he had a look at me mole. I had a mole. I got a mole, and that was quite intimate. It's only a mole on my stomach. I did the worst thing ever. I got a mate who's a GP.

Speaker F 0:16:44 Hang on, you had a mole in your stomach, but yet you had a prostate exam?

Jordan 0:16:46 No, I didn't. Not this time. Yeah, I went— They saw you coming. So I did that worst thing ever. Mate's a GP in pub. I want me to check this mole. And he went, yeah, go and ask your GP to check it out. So I thought he'd look at it. He had a bloody eye thing on it and everything. He was measuring. Good to check. Taking pictures on his phone!

Speaker F 0:17:07 I had to change—

Jordan 0:17:09 Takes me to get a doctor that's got a mole fetish.

Speaker F 0:17:11 I had to change my optometrist a few years ago, because when they would go and do my— and it happened twice each year I went, and so I changed. When he was examining my eye, and you know, they got up—

Jordan 0:17:24 Oh, up their eye.

Speaker F 0:17:25 When they're up quite close, sort of shining the light in, he would be putting his tongue out going, Putting his tongue out.

Jordan 0:17:33 Did it turn you on?

Speaker F 0:17:34 No, it did not turn me on. It disgusted me. And it was just too weird.

Jordan 0:17:38 Good job we weren't doing that when he'd given you a prostate exam.

Speaker F 0:17:41 He was. And Susie says, sharing a bed with someone whilst on a state visit to Burnley. To be fair, that was intimate.

Speaker L 0:17:51 Passionate.

Speaker F 0:17:52 It was for—

Jordan 0:17:52 That was passionate.

Speaker F 0:17:53 It was intimate.

Jordan 0:17:58 It wasn't.

Speaker F 0:17:58 It was for half an hour. It was intimate. Now, before we take a break— it's too easy. I'm afraid we need to discuss something quite serious, please. You have severely offended a member of the team. I don't want to carry on the dig concept from Tuesday. Oh, for crying out loud.

Jordan 0:18:14 Jo!

Speaker F 0:18:14 No.

Jordan 0:18:15 Sorry.

Speaker F 0:18:16 Well, there's a reason why she's not here. Let's put it that way. It needs to be brought out into the open. Do you know what you've done? I think you know who you've done it to, 'cause I gave you a big clue.

Jordan 0:18:25 Gen Z Izzy.

Speaker F 0:18:27 Let's take a very careful listen to Exhibit A.

Jordan 0:18:32 Walked in today, she's like, not keen on the shoes, where's the moustache? She just likes to keep you— keep you on your toes, does Jenny.

Speaker F 0:18:40 Did you hear it?

Jordan 0:18:41 Yeah.

Speaker F 0:18:42 What did you say?

Jordan 0:18:44 Can't remember.

Speaker F 0:18:44 What did you call Izzy right at the end of that clip? Let's hear it again.

Jordan 0:18:48 Walked in today, she's like, not keen on the shoes, where's the moustache? She just likes to keep you— keep you on your toes, does Jenny.

Speaker F 0:18:56 Just Jenny.

Jordan 0:18:58 Gen Z Izzy is what I was meant to say.

Speaker F 0:19:00 Well, it sounded like Jenny.

Jordan 0:19:02 You called her Jenny. She's gonna have her tizz about that.

Speaker F 0:19:03 And that is why she is not coming today.

Jordan 0:19:05 She needs to honestly get back up north, that girl. She's getting offended by that.

Speaker F 0:19:09 She has, however, sent this official statement that we will play live from the Holy See.

Speaker M 0:19:15 Hello boys, it's your favourite employee.

Speaker F 0:19:18 Why is she— can I also say, why is she over— why is she over-enunciating on this clip?

Speaker A 0:19:22 Hello boys!

Speaker F 0:19:23 Hello boys!

Jordan 0:19:23 She does not sound like a CBeebies presenter, and trust me. She would— came back, play it. She's like, yeah, all right, yeah.

Speaker M 0:19:31 Hello boys, it's your favourite employee Gen Z Izzy, live from Portugal.

Speaker F 0:19:38 She means Portugal.

Speaker M 0:19:38 I've been catching up on my favourite podcast, Help I Sexed My Boss, and it's come to my attention that Jordan has been cheating on me and in fact called me Jenny during a recent episode. Who the fuck is Jenny? I will be waiting for apology. If I do not get one I will not be coming back from Portugal, and I shall live my life here in the sun with a lovely man called Alfredo.

William 0:19:58 Well, there's an easy out.

Jordan 0:20:00 Alright, Gen Z Izzy, sorry for calling you—

Speaker F 0:20:06 Don't, Ben doesn't want you to apologise. No, he does not. Then she's gone.

Jordan 0:20:09 Alright, okay.

Speaker F 0:20:10 No, you can apologise.

Jordan 0:20:12 We do love her.

Speaker F 0:20:13 Thank you to YouTube for pointing that out to us.

Jordan 0:20:14 We love all of you on our team.

Jordan 0:23:38 All right, Genevieve, thank you for sticking with us. Let's now go on to your correspondence and responses, please. Is that the same thing? Correspondence? Responses? Yeah, responses.

Speaker F 0:23:50 Yeah. Um, Dan has got in touch wanting the answer to the The cliffhanger that we have been cruelly leaving everyone for far too long. He says, hi guys, did EPB ever get around to doing his knife sharpening course? Would love an update.

Jordan 0:24:05 Oh yeah, what happened to that? Yeah, I did.

Speaker F 0:24:07 Fantastic.

Jordan 0:24:09 And how was it? How was it?

Speaker O 0:24:12 It was good, yeah. Yeah. How long does it last for?

William 0:24:14 A couple of hours. It was me and 2 other sort of middle-aged blokes, older than you 2.

Jordan 0:24:20 Hang on, 2 hours to show you how to sharpen a knife? Yeah. Oh, can you imagine with the undiagnosed ADHD, I'd be fuming.

William 0:24:28 No, yeah, it was very sharp.

Speaker F 0:24:31 Can we send you there?

Speaker E 0:24:33 Yeah, I was— it was 2 hours.

William 0:24:35 I've actually, I've actually since— I've kind of forgotten what, what the tips were, so I've actually bought a book on how to sharpen knives now.

Jordan 0:24:42 Jesus Christ, 2 hours doing that.

Speaker F 0:24:46 I think that mouse that you talked about on Tuesday probably threw itself on the moth cleaning paper. to escape listening to you.

Jordan 0:24:52 You're so boring, the mouse throw themselves in the traps in your house.

Speaker I 0:24:56 Thanks, Jordan.

Jordan 0:24:59 It's a great Les Dawson joke, that.

Speaker G 0:25:01 Yeah.

Speaker F 0:25:02 Sexed medical—

Speaker P 0:25:03 That's why cat's always out.

Speaker F 0:25:04 You see, ironically, if the cat was in, you wouldn't have mice. Hey! Sexed medical correspondent Dr. Ollie has responded— On The Face Ollie, we should actually call him, but apparently he goes by Dr. Ollie— has responded to my very serious medical inquiry. About whether sitting down for a wee is better for you, which we talked about recently. Over to Dr. Ollie.

Jordan 0:25:23 Oh, he's on— oh, he's— it's like This Morning then. It is, yeah. Got our own doctor. Honestly. Right, go on, let's have a listen to this.

Speaker Q 0:25:30 Standing up and sitting down wees. It's a good question. And actually, there was a very big study on this. And effectively, for men who don't have any prostate problems at all, that is purely a matter of personal preference and ideas of hygiene. However, in older men or men with prostate issues or bladder issues, when you stand up, you're using the muscles of your pelvic floor to hold everything up. And actually, that means you can't empty your bladder properly. So you're more prone to dribbling, residual volume in the bladder, urinary tract infections. Whereas when you sit, your flow rate increases, those muscles are relaxed, so you completely empty the bladder. So sitting down is healthier. for people with issues. But young, fit, healthy men? No difference at all. Just personal preference and hygiene.

Speaker F 0:26:19 Well, there we go.

Jordan 0:26:20 It's just— just treat yourself to one every now and then. Yeah.

Speaker F 0:26:23 Or all the time.

Jordan 0:26:23 You have a real gut, you can't beat a farty wee.

Speaker F 0:26:26 Oh. Please. Thank you, George Robbie. There's a huge debate still around Jordan's changing accent. So Lucy has emailed in with her academic opinion on the matter.

Jordan 0:26:39 Oh, right, okay. Oh, is she like— study accents.

Speaker F 0:26:42 That's not what academic means, but yes.

Jordan 0:26:44 Yeah, no, I know that. Don't be a dick. I know that, because I think this could be my thing. You know, like when Margaret off The Apprentice retired to go and study hieroglyphics?

Speaker F 0:26:55 Hieroglyphics, yeah.

Jordan 0:26:56 In Egypt, or Pythagorism or something. What was it?

Speaker F 0:27:00 Hieroglyphics. No, she—

Jordan 0:27:01 I remember saying that.

Speaker F 0:27:02 Papyrus scrolls and all that. Papyrus scrolls.

Jordan 0:27:05 I'm gonna go off and study accents. I didn't know that. 'Cause I can watch Four in a Bed or any show, and I could— we've done this before, and I've proved it, that I'm like, they're from Chorley, then. They're from Leyland. I can—

Speaker F 0:27:15 But are they only Northwest accents?

Jordan 0:27:17 Pretty much, but you know, I could do it. Anyway, go on.

Speaker F 0:27:20 She continues, um, hello, Will and Jordan, and all at Sex Ed. Like Jordan, I'm originally from Burnley, and I've just graduated from the University of York with a degree in English language and linguistics.

Jordan 0:27:28 Oh!

Speaker F 0:27:29 I'm getting in touch following your bonus episode about Jordan's voice changing. During my final year, I took a sociolinguistics module, which looks at how things like age, background, and where you're from can affect how you speak. For one assignment, I had to investigate how public figures' voice or accent had changed over time. After years of hearing Have I Changed? on the podcast, who better to study than my fellow Lancastrian, Jordan?

Jordan 0:27:52 She did an essay on me!

Speaker F 0:27:54 I compared Jordan's—

Jordan 0:27:56 Oh my God, I've made it! Mum, I've made it! Can I— I wanna read this. Hold on, hold on. Did she send it over? Hold your horses. This is amazing!

Speaker F 0:28:04 I compared Jordan's accent to some old 2018 recordings newer 2026 episodes of Sex Ed, taking acoustic samples and using software to analyse the waveforms. After around 3,000 words and a lot of data analysis, I can reveal that— oh. Jordan's accent has stayed pretty consistent.

Jordan 0:28:23 See? I told ya.

Speaker F 0:28:26 Lucy, did you pass your degree?

Jordan 0:28:28 No, it's 'cause of the microphones and the—

Speaker F 0:28:30 The differences you were hearing in the bonus episode seem to be more down to changes in pitch and tone of voice rather than the accent itself. So despite William's best efforts and the ongoing Jordan South allegations, academic research has officially confirmed that Jordan still sounds as northern as ever. Thank you for being my favourite podcast, for unknowingly becoming the basis of my final research project, which scored an 80. Woohoo!

Jordan 0:28:52 That's a first!

Speaker F 0:28:52 And helped me achieve a first-class degree. Wishing you all the best, Lucy.

Jordan 0:28:57 Lucy, that's great!

Speaker F 0:28:59 P.S., she says, weirdly enough, apparently our dads grew up on the same street, Jordan. Ask Graham if he remembers Mark. And there's a surname there as well.

Jordan 0:29:07 Oh, okay.

Speaker F 0:29:08 That's amazing.

Jordan 0:29:09 It's Orwell.

Speaker F 0:29:10 There is evidence here of the actual paper, From North to South: Intraspeaker Vowel Variation in the Speech of Jordan North. Introduction: Speakers with regional accents have been found to accommodate their speech within a new community to fit in with its speakers, often standardising marked socially salient features. Trudgill, 1986. Accommodation typically occurs in specific speech contexts, including in staged— George Orwell. Don't make me laugh. Stage performance speech. No wonder you didn't get 90%! It's 1984.

Jordan 0:29:43 Oh, right.

Speaker F 0:29:45 1986, you little shit. Anyway, look, there are diagrams of all your vowels.

Jordan 0:29:49 I made myself one.

Speaker F 0:29:51 That's amazing. Can we actually see— Lucy, if you're happy to share it, I would actually genuinely be interested to see the whole paper.

Jordan 0:29:57 Yeah, because you're quite interested in stuff like that.

Speaker F 0:29:59 Well, I did English language, so yeah, I'd love to see that.

Jordan 0:30:01 I did English. Sats, so yeah. That's amazing! That's very good. I genuinely don't think my accent's changed.

Speaker F 0:30:11 Sophia Capote— Capote, Capote— on Spotify needs a verdict on peanut butter, smooth versus crunchy.

Jordan 0:30:19 The bisexuals are revolting now, by the way.

Speaker F 0:30:21 Don't call them revolting!

Jordan 0:30:23 No.

Speaker F 0:30:23 There's nothing wrong with it!

Jordan 0:30:25 No, they're upright.

Speaker F 0:30:27 It's the lesbians you want to be revolted about.

Jordan 0:30:31 No, the one that sent the message said, I wish I'd never sent you this. Now I'm sick of hearing about it.

Speaker F 0:30:35 Well, Sophia Capote says, hey team, me again. William, a big thanks for singing my— oh, sorry, did I do that joke before? Singing my surname. All of my friends now refer to me as Car-pa-tay-pa-tay.

Jordan 0:30:46 Have we done that before?

Speaker F 0:30:47 Yes.

Jordan 0:30:47 We'll roll into one these episodes, I'm not gonna lie.

Speaker F 0:30:49 I'm taking one for the team here, the bisexual team. At this point, I feel the two of you need to have a jar of smooth and a jar of crunchy and compare the two. It's obvious Jordan is obsessed with us Bys, 'cause let's be honest, we have the best flag. Ben, I believe you have the peanut butters to try. Oh, is that what this is?

Speaker R 0:31:05 It's a cloche.

Jordan 0:31:07 Oh, for God's sake. Under the cloche. So what we doing?

Speaker F 0:31:11 So I don't love peanut butter. I like peanut butter in things, but not on its own.

Jordan 0:31:14 See, again, like—

Speaker F 0:31:15 So you've got smooth. You're starting with smooth. I'm starting with crunchy.

William 0:31:20 Surely you should start with the same one.

Speaker F 0:31:24 Well, we've done it this way now, haven't we?

Jordan 0:31:27 Go on. Well, no, he's right. I've got it on there. I'm sorry, but eating peanut butter with my wooden— from a spoon—

Speaker F 0:31:34 Okay, that was smooth for you, crunchy for me. Which one do you prefer?

William 0:31:42 It's so claggy.

Speaker P 0:31:46 The rest of the episode is gonna be—

Speaker F 0:31:49 I'm sorry, everyone. Now, you have to have a preference. Which do you prefer?

William 0:31:54 Or you could be both.

Jordan 0:31:55 I'm gonna go— I'm gonna go crunchy.

Speaker F 0:31:59 It's funny, 'cause I prefer crunchy peanut butter as well. Which will come as no surprise to anyone.

Jordan 0:32:05 There's just something about it.

Speaker F 0:32:11 Ben? You like it crunchy as well, don't you?

William 0:32:13 More of a smooth man.

Speaker F 0:32:15 Are you? Jack? Neither.

Jordan 0:32:19 Oh.

Speaker F 0:32:20 Oh. Side. Asexual. And Jenny finally has sent a piece of street art on her travels that she feels very much inspired by Jordan North. Hi, beautiful people. I saw this and just had to share it as I immediately thought of Jordan. Lots of love, Jenny. And it is a street sign— no, it's like a telephone utility box where they have all the wires, that on the side of it says, Bring back fingering.

Jordan 0:32:47 Why am I on that? Why is that?

Speaker F 0:32:51 Because I think you previously said that you wanted to bring back fingering.

Jordan 0:32:54 Years ago?

Speaker F 0:32:55 Well, there we go.

Speaker R 0:32:56 Cultural heritage.

Jordan 0:32:58 It was Mickey Flanagan that said—

Speaker F 0:32:59 Well, you said it on this.

Jordan 0:33:01 The demise of fingering. I ain't said that.

William 0:33:05 It's also got brackets, Jordan North, 1999.

Jordan 0:33:08 Bring back fingering. Where's that? I recognise that street. Where was she from?

Speaker F 0:33:14 Somewhere northern.

Jordan 0:33:15 That looks— I recognise that street. Anyway.

Speaker F 0:33:18 It's not gonna be Richmond, is it?

Jordan 0:33:19 Snob. I think that's the first time in 8 years I've called you a snob.

William 0:33:27 You've called him a knob before.

Jordan 0:33:28 Yeah, he's a knob and he's a snob. Snobby knob. Snobby knob.

Speaker Q 0:33:32 Snob.

Jordan 0:33:32 I can't talk now. I feel like I've got cement in my mouth with that peanut butter.

Speaker F 0:33:39 Right. Should we finish with comment of the week?

Jordan 0:33:41 Let's finish with comment of the week. This can be a comment from Spotify, YouTube, or any of our socials. What have we got?

Speaker F 0:33:46 Ross on Spotify said, listening to William and Jordan tutting is turning into ASMR. Eve on YouTube said, William has moved from passive-aggressive comments to passive-aggressive actions, turning Jordan's inability to pay back for the gas into a business plan. At this rate, it'll be over £100 by next week. It is £105.

Jordan 0:34:03 How much do I owe you now?

Speaker F 0:34:04 £105. This week it was £105.

Jordan 0:34:07 I probably don't have anything to pay you for that, guys.

Speaker F 0:34:09 But our comment of the week goes to Zoe on Spotify saying, don't hate me, but half sizes in shoes are an ick.

Jordan 0:34:14 How?

Speaker F 0:34:17 How? You're 8.5, aren't you?

Jordan 0:34:18 I'm 8.5. Ick.

Speaker F 0:34:20 Yeah. I'm bigger.

Jordan 0:34:22 I'm between sizes. I'm either a small or a medium. It depends. A medium can drown me sometimes. What, a medium shoe? No, top. Jackets, shirts, grow up. Remember, you can listen to new episodes every Tuesday and— give the ick, because I've got half an inch, have a day off— uh, every Tuesday and Friday in 24 hours before anywhere else on Global Player. If you want to get in touch about something that isn't a problem or a dilemma, drop into our DMs or send us an email to help@sexwithmyboss.com. We also love hearing back from the people we offer advice to, so if that's you, get back in touch.

Speaker F 0:34:54 And don't forget, there's only a few days left to sign up for 50% off new Patreon. If you use the code OUTOFOFFICE, it's all in the episode description as well. Should you forget this, go to sexwithmyboss.com/patreon.

Jordan 0:35:03 See you on Tuesday.