Help I Want To Be Locked Up | And Sexted ‘Out Of Office’…

Jordan North 0:02:09 Hello and welcome to Help, I Sexted My Boss, the podcast where we help you navigate the challenges of modern life, answering your 21st century questions and finding solutions to everyday dilemmas. I say dilemmas. You did. Dilemmas, dilemmas, either way. Like, what should you do when your partner likes to tuck their shirt into their underwear? Or how do you brag about your MBE if you can't put it on your Instagram bio? And what should you do if you've accidentally sexted your boss? But we're not your usual agony aunt, are we, William Hanson, the UK's leading etiquette expert?

William Hanson 0:02:51 No, we're not Jordan North, Capital Breakfast show host. I'm more Count of Monte Cristo. You're more Ah, Bisto.

Jordan North 0:02:58 Oh, very good.

William Hanson 0:02:59 That's from Ben.

Jordan North 0:02:59 Don't do it like that. It's, ah, Bisto.

William Hanson 0:03:01 Oh, whatever.

Jordan North 0:03:03 Bisto.

William Hanson 0:03:03 Bisto.

Jordan North 0:03:04 Bisto.

William Hanson 0:03:05 It's definitely Bisto. There's an O on the end, not an A.

Jordan North 0:03:07 Did you have Bisto in your house growing up?

William Hanson 0:03:09 I don't know actually what my mother did for gravy. I'm fairly sure it wasn't Bisto.

Jordan North 0:03:14 So you never had it?

William Hanson 0:03:15 No, I don't think so. Would you like a drink?

Jordan North 0:03:17 Yeah!

William Hanson 0:03:17 Could you pass your glass over?

Jordan North 0:03:19 Go on then. Go on then.

William Hanson 0:03:20 Thank you. You alright?

Jordan North 0:03:22 Yeah, all good. You?

William Hanson 0:03:24 Yes. Yeah.

Jordan North 0:03:24 Have you been to see that French rug that everyone's going on about?

William Hanson 0:03:27 I'm sorry?

Jordan North 0:03:28 That French rug.

William Hanson 0:03:29 The Bayeux Tapestry?

Jordan North 0:03:30 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:03:31 It's not a French rug.

Jordan North 0:03:32 That everyone's going on about.

William Hanson 0:03:34 It's not really a rug either.

Jordan North 0:03:35 Everyone's got— I bet you've been, haven't you?

Ben 0:03:37 Hi guys.

Jordan North 0:03:38 Hi Ben.

William Hanson 0:03:39 Some friends went. I remember seeing it in France years ago on a school trip. So, I've seen it.

Jordan North 0:03:46 So you've been to see it. What is it, the Bayeux Tapestry?

William Hanson 0:03:48 The Bayeux Tapestry.

Ben 0:03:50 Perfect it. Perfect pronunciation there from Jordan.

Jordan North 0:03:52 It's the, uh, it's, it's, it's, it's the French sold it, didn't they?

William Hanson 0:03:56 The what? Did they say—

Jordan North 0:03:58 We didn't do it.

William Hanson 0:03:58 Is it ours now?

Ben 0:03:59 No, it's a loan. Oh,

William Hanson 0:04:00 it's a loan.

Jordan North 0:04:01 Oh, wait, what do you mean?

William Hanson 0:04:02 It'll soon be ours.

Jordan North 0:04:03 So who owns it, us or the French?

Ben 0:04:06 I think the French do, and then they're loaning it to the British.

Jordan North 0:04:10 And it was, and it was made in, like, it's— how many years did it take to make?

Ben 0:04:17 Right, I'll Google it. Google it.

Jordan North 0:04:17 Well,

William Hanson 0:04:18 it's before 3D printing, let's put it that way. So it probably took a while.

Jordan North 0:04:21 Well, bearing in mind it's the French, so it would've took fucking ages.

Ben 0:04:24 Okay. It's nearly 70 metres long.

Jordan North 0:04:28 Yep.

Ben 0:04:28 Depicting the events leading up to the Norman Conquest of England in 1066. And the Battle of—

Jordan North 0:04:33 Hastings.

William Hanson 0:04:34 Oh, well done, you. Dan Snow's here.

Ben 0:04:38 Yes, it's on a historic loan from France, publicly displayed at the British Museum in London.

William Hanson 0:04:44 London?

Ben 0:04:44 It was a few years to a decade is what experts did in the estimate. So most likely between 1066 and 1077, so kind of 6, 7.

Jordan North 0:04:53 See, with a French wife, it would have took us 2 years then, at least double.

William Hanson 0:04:58 Yes.

Jordan North 0:04:59 You know what it's like.

William Hanson 0:04:59 Now, if I'm not—

Jordan North 0:05:00 I am not sewing today. It is hot outside. I will not sew.

Ben 0:05:04 What do you think?

Jordan North 0:05:05 I worked 4 and a half hours yesterday. What do you think, I have a machine?

Ben 0:05:09 What do you think would be on the Sexed tapestry?

William Hanson 0:05:11 Oh,

Jordan North 0:05:13 uh,

Ben 0:05:13 if that one depicts the Battle of Hastings, like, what are the momentous moments of Sexed?

Jordan North 0:05:18 Campman.

William Hanson 0:05:19 To be fair, I've shot Jordan in the eye before.

Jordan North 0:05:22 So that is so funny. I'm not laughing, but that is really clever because didn't he get shot in the eye with a bow and arrow?

William Hanson 0:05:31 Yes, and it's depicted in the Bayeux Tapestry.

Jordan North 0:05:33 That's really clever and funny.

William Hanson 0:05:35 Thank you very much.

Jordan North 0:05:35 So much so that It's so funny, I can't laugh. I'm not being sarcastic. That is— that's very, very good.

William Hanson 0:05:42 Thank you.

Jordan North 0:05:42 That's a Hollywood handshake for me there.

William Hanson 0:05:44 Oh, lovely.

Jordan North 0:05:45 Thank you. Right, who are we toasting to?

William Hanson 0:05:46 Well, before we get onto the toast, you know, Ben's been chatting away to us. Obviously, he's not been in vision, but we will hold that thought because we've got something— that's one of— that's the least exciting announcement, but we'll do the toast first. This week's toast goes to John and Julie, who are getting married in Blessington, near Dublin, this weekend. That's a nice town.

Jordan North 0:06:05 Is that just it?

William Hanson 0:06:06 What?

Jordan North 0:06:06 Just that.

William Hanson 0:06:07 There's more.

Jordan North 0:06:08 Some of your toasts have been longer than the dilemmas of late.

William Hanson 0:06:11 Longer than the Bear Tapestry.

Jordan North 0:06:12 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:06:13 No, well, there are a few more sentences. Julie and her sisters have been GND-ers for a few years. They came along to our show at the Sugar Club in Dublin. Remember that one?

Jordan North 0:06:21 God, I remember.

William Hanson 0:06:21 Sat next to Jordan's cousin.

Jordan North 0:06:23 Adele.

William Hanson 0:06:24 And drank so much, they can't remember what happened in the second half. Neither could we. Congratulations, and have a wonderful wedding day. So, to John and Julie, Sláinte! Cheers for you. Is that— what does that mean?

Jordan North 0:06:36 It's Irish for cheers.

William Hanson 0:06:37 You sure?

Jordan North 0:06:38 Sláinte.

William Hanson 0:06:40 Anyway. So, there we go. Here, let's do— let's do— don't— no one get excited.

Jordan North 0:06:44 The first of 2 announcements today. We would like to introduce to you on Help I Sexed My Boss—

William Hanson 0:06:50 We've put it off and put it off and put it off.

Jordan North 0:06:52 Cook cam.

William Hanson 0:06:53 AKA Ben cam. Let's turn it on now. There he is.

Jordan North 0:06:59 There he is!

Ben 0:07:00 Oh, hi guys. Hi.

Jordan North 0:07:02 So, for everybody watching on YouTube— It's

William Hanson 0:07:04 tragic.

Jordan North 0:07:05 And our socials, we now have cuck cam, so you can see Ben in the cuck chair in the cuck corner.

Ben 0:07:10 I think the last time I was on camera for Sex Ed, it was in this corner, and I was tied up with a dressing gown belt.

William Hanson 0:07:17 Oh yes, for the tour.

Ben 0:07:19 For the tour.

Jordan North 0:07:20 So now when Ben interrupts— sorry, interjects, um, You will see him on, uh, the cut cam. So it's him in his little corner. Diego's there as well. Show Diego.

Ben 0:07:31 Yeah, he's on.

Jordan North 0:07:32 I can't be arsed, I'm sleeping. I can't be arsed today, guys. I've, I've had enough of it. I'm sick of it. I'm in and out, up and down. They've been away again the past week. You should have seen where they had me the other week, Jules. I don't want to know, so I'm just sleeping today. I'm getting me a damn babes.

Ben 0:07:45 Maybe I'll pick him up later so you can see him on the camera.

William Hanson 0:07:49 Unfortunately, you will still be able to hear Ben if you are just listening on the audio feed. But if you are watching, there he is.

Jordan North 0:07:56 There he is. So, Ben, welcome to Help I Searced My Boss.

Ben 0:08:00 And you can see— Slowly ground you down.

Jordan North 0:08:02 On cook cam. The cook cam there. There you

William Hanson 0:08:04 go. We'll do more announcements later. Shall we?

Jordan North 0:08:07 Shall we? We've got another very, very exciting announcement.

William Hanson 0:08:09 Yes, you alright?

Jordan North 0:08:10 Yeah, I'm good. How's your week been?

William Hanson 0:08:12 My week's been absolutely tickety-boo. Thank you.

Jordan North 0:08:14 You kept that quiet about Titanic.

William Hanson 0:08:16 Yes. Well, I did and I didn't.

Jordan North 0:08:18 Well, I didn't know.

William Hanson 0:08:20 Well, as I pointed out to you, and I said with love, I had mentioned it in a group chat you're in, and you just hadn't read it.

Jordan North 0:08:25 I didn't know. So when it was announced today, everyone went— we were on air and they went, oh, William's doing Titanic again. I went, is he? It's news to me.

William Hanson 0:08:32 Oh.

Jordan North 0:08:32 So thank you.

William Hanson 0:08:33 Oh, sorry. Well, I also— I didn't want to jinx it because—

Jordan North 0:08:37 Remember when I used to be his best friend? And now he's got all these big West End stars and his Soho friends. Do you remember? I don't have best friends. Whatever.

William Hanson 0:08:48 No, I got asked to do it a couple of weeks ago, and until I signed a contract, I didn't really want to jinx it. So a couple of people knew, but it's an honour to be asked back.

Jordan North 0:08:57 Contract schmcontract. What's a contract in this day and age?

William Hanson 0:09:00 A legally binding document.

Jordan North 0:09:02 Well, just get yourself a good lawyer.

Ben 0:09:04 We've been very excited about the news though, haven't we, for the past couple of weeks, William?

William Hanson 0:09:07 Yeah, Ben knew.

Jordan North 0:09:09 Did you know as well? Oh, for fuck's sake. And Jack!

William Hanson 0:09:15 Alright, everyone! I also wanted to tell you organically on this.

Jordan North 0:09:19 Bloody hell! Who else did?

Ben 0:09:21 It's just been announced on Instagram. Is that—

William Hanson 0:09:22 Yeah, I know. I thought it was going a bit later than it did, but whatever.

Jordan North 0:09:26 Did Mick from Maintenance know?

William Hanson 0:09:28 Mick didn't, but Bob did.

Jordan North 0:09:30 I never know, help me.

William Hanson 0:09:32 Hmm. Anyway.

Ben 0:09:34 Well, it turns out the way that we need to communicate with Jordan is just through Instagram posts.

William Hanson 0:09:38 Yes! Oh, it's on Instagram, he'll see it.

Ben 0:09:40 We should do what Wayne Rooney did to Rio Ferdinand, when he tweeted him being like, a lift in the morning, just post stuff on Instagram. Jordan, are you coming at 12 o'clock tomorrow?

Jordan North 0:09:50 It depends what app I'm on at the time. So if my WhatsApps are open, I'm gonna see it. If you're on Instagram, I'm gonna see it. If you're on my text messages, if I'm on TikTok. So just, if you can't hear from me, I might be on one of them.

Ben 0:10:02 Snapchat?

Jordan North 0:10:03 I don't have Snapchat,

Ben 0:10:04 no.

Jordan North 0:10:05 So yeah, well, congratulations.

William Hanson 0:10:08 Thank you so much. I start on the 10th of November until the 3rd of January.

Jordan North 0:10:11 Does that mean you're gonna be working over Christmas?

William Hanson 0:10:12 It does mean I'm gonna be working over Christmas, yes. We do have no shows on Christmas Day, Unboxing day. Okay. But we have extra performances.

Jordan North 0:10:18 You're gonna love it. I'm gonna love it. Having your martini in the middle of November, post and pre-show.

William Hanson 0:10:25 No, not pre-show. No, I've learned that mistake. That's not happening. I'm not even going to reassemble— the martini station is not being reassembled.

Jordan North 0:10:31 Do you think you'll be nervous again?

William Hanson 0:10:32 Yes, I will be. I think I can remember. I went to go and watch it a few weeks ago to see Myra Dubois, who's doing it currently.

Jordan North 0:10:38 Is it true you sat on the front row so they could see you?

William Hanson 0:10:41 Yep. But I sat with Stephen Greenough, who took over from me. So it went me, Stephen Greenough, Myra. and then me again. And we did run it past Myra, that we are going to sit in the front row, is that okay? And she's like, yes, that's delighted. She then put us in the script, so that was good. So, I think it was a gift, and we, you know, I could look at all the cast. Great. So, that was nice. But yes, I will— I think I can remember it all. I started to do— Mikey said to me the other day in the kitchen, he said, do you think you can remember it? And then I went line by line through my lines, and he was like, all right, shut up. And I kept going. And I kept going.

Jordan North 0:11:15 And I still don't know the script, for a start. This is why I could never do anything. I still don't know. I still have to have the intro to help on here. Look, I still have the intro on. I don't know it.

William Hanson 0:11:25 Shout out to @rbattle.dev on Instagram, who on the announcement of me going back in put, Congratulations! Of course, that means the script for Sexted will stay the same for the next 8 weeks, but I'm still happy for you.

Jordan North 0:11:37 What does that mean?

William Hanson 0:11:37 What a bitch.

Jordan North 0:11:38 Oh, you'll be talking about that. Meaning I won't have anything to talk about.

William Hanson 0:11:42 Well, we'll see. Ben, you look very unimpressed. Or is that your burner account?

Jordan North 0:11:46 You're not gonna ask me on my week's been? See, you're slacking already. It's Titanic for bloody 5 minutes. I did ask—

William Hanson 0:11:52 I think you're fined. I said to you at the start, how are you?

Jordan North 0:11:55 I said, I'm alright.

William Hanson 0:11:56 And you chose to go to me.

Jordan North 0:11:58 8 years?

William Hanson 0:11:58 Yes.

Jordan North 0:11:59 We'll say, how's your week been?

William Hanson 0:12:00 How's your week been?

Jordan North 0:12:01 Yeah, good. Doncaster races was class.

William Hanson 0:12:03 Oh yes, you sent a message. In fact, it was in the same group chat that you missed the message that I'm doing entirely. You said Don Carlos Races was quote unquote class.

Jordan North 0:12:14 It was class. Honestly, it's my favourite gig I've done. And do you know what? I got a pint thrown on me at the start and I thought, oh no.

William Hanson 0:12:20 Why? Is that before you'd press play?

Jordan North 0:12:22 There's always one in there. So basically, I had to— there was— I had to come out the hotel and then you have to like walk straight up to the decks and the security Like, there's like— they were good lads. There's like 6 of them created like a man wall, if you get what I mean. You know, like when they took President Trump off stage when he got shot, they were a bit like that. And I'm like, this is a bit excessive. So I was going through the crowd and everyone just thought, what a dick he is, who does he think he is? I know. I've only just got trained up as well, so it's not like I need bodyguards anyway. They've got me there. And I think because they were pushing people out the way and I'm going, sorry, sorry, it's a bit overkill. Sorry, I know, sorry. This pint came from nowhere.

William Hanson 0:13:03 So did it stain?

Jordan North 0:13:06 The early bit got me, so I thought, oh yeah, but got up there, it was class. And this is why I love—

William Hanson 0:13:11 And did you have 30,000 people?

Jordan North 0:13:12 Uh, yeah, yeah. Well, put it this way.

William Hanson 0:13:16 Give or take 29,000.

Jordan North 0:13:18 Honestly, it started pissing down. I'll get— Joe! Joe!

William Hanson 0:13:24 She said yes.

Jordan North 0:13:25 I'll get some clips for you to put up on socials. I've got some videos.

William Hanson 0:13:28 She's put her thumb up in between munching a Percy Pig.

Jordan North 0:13:31 So it started pissing down, right, about half an hour in. I thought—

William Hanson 0:13:35 Were you not covered?

Jordan North 0:13:36 God, I was, but the crowd weren't. I thought, oh, it's gonna go dead, everyone's gonna go home. But obviously we're up north, there's more and more people kept coming out and started dancing in the rain. And then, do you know what I played?

William Hanson 0:13:48 Mr. Brightside.

Jordan North 0:13:50 I did. The, the clouds started to part and it stopped raining and the sun came out and I went, right,

William Hanson 0:13:57 rain on

Jordan North 0:13:57 me. And Mark Wright were on day before me And I thought, he won't do this. I played Sunshine After the Rain. Oh, it would be— it were biblical then. It were biblical.

William Hanson 0:14:06 So can you, when you do the DJing—

Jordan North 0:14:08 Sunshine after the rain. Oh, yes.

William Hanson 0:14:11 I don't know that song.

Jordan North 0:14:12 I wanna see moonlight time. But how does that work? I don't know, actually. It's an old dance record. It's a great dance track.

William Hanson 0:14:20 How does that work if you've premixed it?

Jordan North 0:14:22 I didn't premix.

William Hanson 0:14:23 Alright.

Jordan North 0:14:24 That's— You can, you can call me many things, but I mean, don't get me wrong, I don't go on and like super mix, but—

William Hanson 0:14:30 Super mix?

Jordan North 0:14:31 I'm not like Calvin Harris or Fisher, right? Proper—

William Hanson 0:14:35 You're not losing it?

Jordan North 0:14:36 No, but, um, I can, I can hold my own when it comes to mixing.

William Hanson 0:14:40 Can you?

Jordan North 0:14:41 But I can't— I won't do a premix.

William Hanson 0:14:43 Okay, so do you just— you just— you can find a song and search for it and go—

Jordan North 0:14:47 Yeah, I go on decks and stuff. I've been doing it for years, so I'm— don't get me wrong, like I'm not like—

Ben 0:14:52 Yeah, we believe you.

Jordan North 0:14:54 It's fine. They're there to get pissed.

William Hanson 0:14:57 Well, can I say, if there are any G&D-ers that were there—

Jordan North 0:14:59 Oh, there were.

William Hanson 0:14:59 Send us some videos. Send us your review. Let's read it out. Well, you missed a lovely party.

Jordan North 0:15:06 Yeah, how was it? It was very good.

William Hanson 0:15:09 You weren't the only one who missed a lovely party, but— Me

Jordan North 0:15:11 and Ben missed your September soirée because I was working and Ben was on holiday.

William Hanson 0:15:15 Stu came. Jack came, Zofia came, Izzy came. In fact, Izzy's been hiding notes all over my house. I keep opening up books and there's a new note from Izzy everywhere in my study, which is lovely.

Jordan North 0:15:27 Go on, kiss and tell. What's been going on?

William Hanson 0:15:29 No, we just had a very nice time.

Jordan North 0:15:31 Oh, okay.

William Hanson 0:15:32 It was a 4 AM finish. Yep. A McDonald's was ordered at 3 AM for those that were still there.

Jordan North 0:15:40 Who was still there?

William Hanson 0:15:41 Well, Leanne and Tom were staying with us, so our former neighbours. Before we moved. My God. So they were definitely still there.

Jordan North 0:15:47 Were you not rough the next day?

William Hanson 0:15:48 Yeah.

Jordan North 0:15:49 What time did you get up?

William Hanson 0:15:50 I woke up at 7 AM, and I lay in bed, and I got out of bed at quarter to 9.

Jordan North 0:15:56 Hang on, you went to bed at 4 and got up at 9?

William Hanson 0:15:58 Quarter to 9. I had to go and hold a newborn baby at 10:30.

Jordan North 0:16:02 Oh, sack that. You must have been—

William Hanson 0:16:03 I was very nervous.

Jordan North 0:16:04 Sack that, forget it. How were the caterers?

William Hanson 0:16:06 Excellent. Same team as last year.

Jordan North 0:16:08 I believe so.

William Hanson 0:16:09 Steak sandwiches were the absolute highlight, even with one of the vegetarian guests. Surprised me. Turned to him and went, I thought you were a bloody vegetarian. He went, no, but they are. I'm not going to name and shame.

Jordan North 0:16:19 Oh, okay. It's Ben. I know Ben.

William Hanson 0:16:21 No, Ben wasn't there.

Jordan North 0:16:22 No.

William Hanson 0:16:23 Cat wasn't there. Cat wasn't there, right.

Jordan North 0:16:24 What else happened?

William Hanson 0:16:25 Just had a lovely time. Had a boogie. Had the music, the tunes blaring.

Jordan North 0:16:31 You had music?

William Hanson 0:16:32 We had music.

Jordan North 0:16:33 You never use that music. Yes.

William Hanson 0:16:35 Now I put my iPod on shuffle or whatever, whatever you did as well at Doncaster. It's that sort of thing.

Jordan North 0:16:41 I didn't do that.

William Hanson 0:16:43 Just stand there and do a bit of that?

Jordan North 0:16:44 I didn't, I proper got them going.

William Hanson 0:16:46 Did you? Yeah. How long did you do?

Jordan North 0:16:47 I did an hour and a half. Oh,

William Hanson 0:16:50 do you have like an interval?

Jordan North 0:16:51 No, did a full hour and a half.

William Hanson 0:16:52 They come around and sell ice creams.

Jordan North 0:16:53 I did full hour and a half, then had something to eat, and then watched Match of the Day. It was a great Saturday in my hotel room, it was really good. Do you know what I've done this week? What? I've never been to before. I reckon you'd love it.

William Hanson 0:17:07 Yeah.

Jordan North 0:17:08 You'd hate it, but secretly love it. I went to one of them Japanese restaurants. You know where they chop everything up in front of you? Yeah. You're like a seal, they throw a little prawn and you have to try and catch it. How have I never done this before? And then they get some onions and put oil in it and like get it on fire. It was— I went for a mate's birthday. Oh. How good is it? Have you ever been to one?

William Hanson 0:17:30 No, I've never been to a Japanese— well, I have, but not where they prepare it in front of you.

Jordan North 0:17:34 The only thing is, it's like in the '90s when everyone used to smoke and you'd go out, you're going to work next day, you can't wear any of the same stuff because it stinks of cooking oil and stuff. But yeah, I'd done that.

William Hanson 0:17:44 Oh, that's nice.

Jordan North 0:17:44 It was really nice.

William Hanson 0:17:45 Very cultured.

Ben 0:17:46 Yeah. I believe it's called teppanyaki.

Jordan North 0:17:48 Yeah, and there's a famous chain of it in London that I went to.

Ben 0:17:52 Benihana?

Jordan North 0:17:53 Yeah, that's the one. They give you a little hat to wear and everything. Little chef's hat. It's class. They chuck stuff at you.

William Hanson 0:18:02 Do they?

Jordan North 0:18:02 Yeah.

Ben 0:18:03 What do you mean?

William Hanson 0:18:03 I don't want any lunch.

Jordan North 0:18:04 They chuck stuff up and they ask you what you want, and then they go, prawn? And you go, aye, go on then. And he goes, wait! And you go— It's class! I said, I'm taking my nephews next time they come. They'll love it.

William Hanson 0:18:14 Hang on, I'm sorry. I don't know much of it. Do you mean Austin and Seb?

Jordan North 0:18:17 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:18:19 Yeah. Are they into Japanese? Are they into sushi?

Jordan North 0:18:21 Well, you'd be surprised. Just 'cause they're from Burnley, they're gonna love sushi.

William Hanson 0:18:24 No, but I would say I didn't get into sushi until I was like 27.

Jordan North 0:18:28 Well, same. I didn't have sushi till— It's not sushi.

William Hanson 0:18:30 Well, it's—

Jordan North 0:18:31 It's not. It's all cooked. I had steak. Okay. It was nice. Hot cha! You eat it. It's class. They throw your food. And like, it— the— he's chopping stuff and it's like—

William Hanson 0:18:42 What's he like?

Jordan North 0:18:43 It makes noises on the—

Ben 0:18:45 Scraping.

Jordan North 0:18:46 Scraping. It's cool. It's really cool.

William Hanson 0:18:48 Okay. But is it— that doesn't sound very social for the people you're with. 'Cause that sounds like you're just basically going to be looking at the kitchen. Whereas if I'm going out—

Jordan North 0:18:55 No, they do it on your table.

William Hanson 0:18:56 Oh.

Jordan North 0:18:57 It's a table mat. I wanna chat to the people. I'm weird. You can chat.

Ben 0:19:00 You can chat and chop. Chop and chat.

Jordan North 0:19:02 Chop and chat. That's what—

Ben 0:19:04 yeah. That's what it should be called. Chop and chat. Well, I think we should

Jordan North 0:19:07 I'd do a British version.

Ben 0:19:08 Yeah?

Jordan North 0:19:09 Yeah.

Ben 0:19:09 Just chuck your sausage?

Jordan North 0:19:10 Just make sausage and mash in front of them.

William Hanson 0:19:12 Way to pep up the Toby Carvery.

Jordan North 0:19:14 Yeah, it's like an island in the kitchen.

William Hanson 0:19:15 I could chuck a parsnip over there.

Ben 0:19:17 A chef with just a mash cart.

Jordan North 0:19:19 Like, can you risk Toby Carvery? Because they carve it for you, don't they? But yeah, I thought it was good. I really enjoyed it.

William Hanson 0:19:25 Oh, good. Well, that's nice.

Jordan North 0:19:26 It was, it was really good.

William Hanson 0:19:27 I do like Japanese food. I just don't necessarily need to see it prepared. I don't need to see anything prepared in front of me. I'm just happy to eat it when it's there.

Jordan North 0:19:34 I think we should all go to one. It's good.

William Hanson 0:19:36 Your treat? Yeah.

Jordan North 0:19:37 Okay. Yeah, I will actually. We'll do our Christmas party. Oh, don't— everyone's mentioning bloody Christmas already.

William Hanson 0:19:43 I'll be busy.

Jordan North 0:19:44 We'll do our—

Ben 0:19:44 oh great.

Jordan North 0:19:46 West End girl, where is she?

William Hanson 0:19:48 Exactly, busy on the West End.

Jordan North 0:19:49 You're actually— a lot of Genie Divas don't know this— when it comes to DIY, you can hold your own, can't you?

William Hanson 0:19:57 Can I?

Jordan North 0:19:58 I think you're pretty secretly good at DIY.

William Hanson 0:20:00 Really?

Jordan North 0:20:00 Yeah, you've let Like, you've hanged pictures up before and stuff, haven't you? Yeah. What have you.

Ben 0:20:06 Not very well.

William Hanson 0:20:07 No, not very— they're not very straight, not by the time I'm finished.

Jordan North 0:20:10 And you do the garden and stuff like that. I actually think you could, because me, I'm terrible.

William Hanson 0:20:14 Very good at hoeing.

Jordan North 0:20:15 Yeah, I'm actually terrible. I tried to— I failed, not only as a man, as a human being. Pathetic. I couldn't even change a shower head this week.

William Hanson 0:20:24 Well, that is quite easy.

Jordan North 0:20:25 So I took my shower head off because it's like rusty Yeah, and, uh, and really like odd, and like the water's going everywhere. So I've took it off, but I couldn't get the new one on, and I need some— an adjustable spanner, but I've only got this camp little tool set from IKEA that's like pink, so the spanner wasn't big enough for the head.

William Hanson 0:20:48 Does it not just rotate off?

Jordan North 0:20:50 No, it kind of— it's on really hard. So then I was like, fine, I'll have to— I've ordered a new spanner. But because the old shower head's knackered and cross-threaded, I couldn't get the other one on. So now I'm just like being hosed every morning, and I'm like, when you go like backpacking or somewhere, it's just a big fucking stream of water coming out of the hole in the wall. And I just thought, you're an absolute mess of a human.

William Hanson 0:21:13 Did you turn the water off before you started?

Jordan North 0:21:15 Yes, but now I had a shower this morning, I was like, and it's just like a hosepipe just comes straight out the wall, out the pipe. Completely failed.

William Hanson 0:21:23 Oh.

Jordan North 0:21:23 But yeah.

William Hanson 0:21:24 You need to find yourself a nice handyman.

Jordan North 0:21:26 I know, I know.

William Hanson 0:21:27 Get them to do it.

Jordan North 0:21:28 To do a shower head is the easiest of— and I, you know, and I double-checked that it was the right new shower head and stuff like that. Fucking nightmare it was. What else been going on?

William Hanson 0:21:37 Uh, well, I'm— my— one of my highlights each morning, and I would like you to join us please. I know you might not be able to do it at the same time that we do it because you're working, but you could do it later on and of the day, download a certain app, and Ben, Stu, and I do the New York Times Mini. And Wordle. And we all do it, and Connections. And it's genuinely one of the highlights of my day, particularly when I beat Ben.

Jordan North 0:22:01 I don't have this—

Ben 0:22:03 Which isn't often.

Jordan North 0:22:04 Why haven't I been invited to this?

William Hanson 0:22:06 Sorry, which— I'm just inviting you now.

Jordan North 0:22:08 Well, how long has this been going on for?

Ben 0:22:09 Months.

Jordan North 0:22:10 I bet it fecking has. And now it's like finding out about Titanic. I— oh.

Ben 0:22:15 I just wanted to give a bit of context. So there's a new— on New York Times, the games app, they've got mini crosswords, they've got midi crosswords, which is like a slightly long, slightly bigger one.

William Hanson 0:22:24 I don't have the time always to do midi.

Jordan North 0:22:26 Wordle, I don't mind.

Ben 0:22:27 And Wordle's on there. Wordle's on there?

Jordan North 0:22:29 I've got a Wordle.

Ben 0:22:29 But Wordle, for the crosswords, you get a time, and you then compare to friends. I'll tell you who's the dark horse of the— Jack. Of mini, midi. Zofia.

William Hanson 0:22:40 Zofia, are we not— why are we not friends? Oh, I'm connecting with everyone.

Ben 0:22:46 If I beat Zofia, then it— I'm like, it's like one of them.

William Hanson 0:22:49 And where does Zofia stand in relation to how I normally perform?

Ben 0:22:52 Much better than you.

Jordan North 0:22:54 Am I right in saying Stuart's the best?

William Hanson 0:22:55 Uh, well, Stu hasn't done it today, so I can't give you the metrics.

Ben 0:22:58 Stu's pretty good, but I think Stu, me, and William are— I don't know, I'd say we're pretty even. But if I have a bad day, then I have a really bad day.

Jordan North 0:23:04 Stu watches only Connect, so.

William Hanson 0:23:07 Um, the Mini today I did in 1 minute 19. Ben did it in 2 minutes and 4 seconds.

Ben 0:23:10 Well, that was a bad one for me.

William Hanson 0:23:12 Yesterday Ben and I were 1 second out. I did 53.

Jordan North 0:23:15 Let me have a go, Steve.

William Hanson 0:23:16 What'd you get? Well, I can't, because it's— I've done it.

Jordan North 0:23:18 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:23:19 Ben did beat me on Tuesday. And didn't beat me on Monday.

Jordan North 0:23:24 Well, I think it's very—

William Hanson 0:23:25 He did beat me on Sunday, but that's—

Ben 0:23:26 This is fascinating. I'd say I'm better at you than the Midi, which is the 9— it's like 9×9 grid.

William Hanson 0:23:31 But I'll send you the app. Please download it and have a go. And Zofia will connect.

Jordan North 0:23:35 Well, if you do that, you can do my fantasy football then.

William Hanson 0:23:38 Fine. What do you do with that?

Ben 0:23:40 Next episode, we should do it live against each other.

Jordan North 0:23:44 Yes. Alright, that'll

William Hanson 0:23:45 be— And watch his fantasy—

Ben 0:23:46 That'll be fascinating to listen to, but the end will be good.

Jordan North 0:23:49 Riveting.

William Hanson 0:23:49 What's fantasy football then? Is there an app for that? Which players you want in what positions?

Jordan North 0:23:54 You pick the best players from the week and stuff. To be fair, I've not done it for a few years, but—

William Hanson 0:23:58 Oh, well, I will— Jordan, if you would like me to do your fantasy football, I will do your fantasy football. Why are you annoyed?

Jordan North 0:24:05 Well, you two are always going to each other's houses without me. I know you played Wordle without me. We're not always—

Ben 0:24:11 We just— you just said that we need to play fantasy football if you do the wordle, like it's your bargaining chip.

Jordan North 0:24:17 And do you know what's cruel? It's the worst game for dyslexics.

Ben 0:24:20 Yeah.

Jordan North 0:24:20 Why can't we be into something that's more inclusive? That's all I'm gonna say.

Ben 0:24:24 More like what?

William Hanson 0:24:25 Colouring in?

Jordan North 0:24:25 Yes, colouring in.

William Hanson 0:24:28 Well, there's no colouring in group app, is there?

Jordan North 0:24:31 Correct me if I'm wrong. What could we all do together?

Ben 0:24:33 Hold hands?

Jordan North 0:24:35 Do you know, you're really mean sometimes, you lot. I come in, I've brought in birthday cake and everything today, and what do I get? I find out you all are on Wordle.

William Hanson 0:24:43 Well, we're not all on Wordle. Jack's not on it. Izzy's not on it.

Jordan North 0:24:47 You don't want Izzy on it, she's thick as fuck.

Ben 0:24:49 You are not in the room today.

Jordan North 0:24:53 Is he not in the room today? No right of reply. She's actually very clever.

William Hanson 0:24:57 She's on holy business at the Vatican.

Jordan North 0:24:59 Izzy's at the Vatican. Yes.

William Hanson 0:25:03 She's gone to— She's in conclave.

Jordan North 0:25:06 She's on official sexed business at the Vatican.

William Hanson 0:25:11 Yes.

Ben 0:25:12 Finding out about the rats.

William Hanson 0:25:13 Yeah, she is. She can report back.

Ben 0:25:15 Oh my God, there was a mouse in my house yesterday.

William Hanson 0:25:18 Right, well, I'm never going round to his house again then.

Ben 0:25:20 Oh, it was horrible.

William Hanson 0:25:21 Tell us then, go on. Let's make the use of this tuck time.

Ben 0:25:25 This is really not nice, so if you don't want to hear a not nice story— So, I opened my fridge and I heard a squeaking. I was like, oh, that's weird. My fridge—

Jordan North 0:25:33 This cock cam's coming into its own, innit?

Ben 0:25:35 My fridge is squeaking. It's like, what the hell? It's quite a new fridge. Anyway, I go about my business. I'm just about to cook an omelette before I go out. And then I still hear this squeaking. I'm like, that's not the fucking fridge. It's the fucking mouse. So, then I'm like, right, they've got into Diego's dog treats. I'm emptying all the cupboards. I still can't find it. I'm like, I was getting prepared for a mouse to jump at me. Still couldn't find it. Anyway, I then look above the cupboards in my kitchen, and there's a piece of cardboard with a mouse, like, stuck on it. So bearing in mind I've lived in this flat—

William Hanson 0:26:05 What was on the cardboard?

Ben 0:26:06 For 2 years, and this bit of cardboard has, like, sticky stuff on it. It's a moth trap.

Jordan North 0:26:11 Oh, I've got moths at the moment.

Ben 0:26:13 So it's like a cardboard, and they stick onto it. This mouse had got into a bad way. 2 years after I've moved in, it's just been sat up there. I've never seen it.

William Hanson 0:26:20 I don't think it's been up there for 2 years.

Ben 0:26:22 No, the mouse was squeaking, so I meant the piece of Oh, I see. So then I had to pick up the cardboard, and I was like— it was really stuck, so I had to jimmy it off with a knife.

Jordan North 0:26:30 A live mouse!

William Hanson 0:26:31 And did it survive?

Ben 0:26:32 I don't know. Well, I put it outside. I tried. I don't know. I did my best. So—

William Hanson 0:26:36 You want to get Mikey around, he'd whacked it.

Ben 0:26:38 Micey?

William Hanson 0:26:39 Mikey.

Ben 0:26:40 Oh, Mikey.

William Hanson 0:26:41 You've seen the video when Mikey killed the mouse on the terrace.

Ben 0:26:44 I felt traumatised trying to bloody let it live, not gonna kill it.

Jordan North 0:26:50 For once, I've never thought I'd say this, I'm really looking forward to Etiquette-ymology of

William Hanson 0:26:54 the Week. Well, should we break glass for emergency Etiquette-ymology?

Jordan North 0:26:58 Etiquette-ymology, what have you got for us today?

William Hanson 0:27:00 Well, this is—

Jordan North 0:27:00 Mousetraps?

William Hanson 0:27:01 No, no, it's in no—

Jordan North 0:27:02 Fucking paint drying?

William Hanson 0:27:03 No, it's in no way connected to Ben, so we're moving on. It's on gay earrings.

Jordan North 0:27:07 What's gay earrings? Is that an area in London?

William Hanson 0:27:17 No, but you know, we've talked about this, I think a few weeks ago. We talked about if you wore an earring in a certain ear back in the day, it meant something. Well, I've looked into that, and after these messages, I'll tell you more.

Jordan North 0:27:28 Great.

Speaker F 0:31:10 It's William, William, the Etiquette Geek. His knowledge, knowledge, quite unique. He'll give your manners a subtle tweak. It's time for William's Etiquette-y-mette-quette-y-menology of the week. Cha-cha-cha, cha-cha-cha, cha-cha-cha, cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha.

Jordan North 0:31:32 If you're watching on YouTube, we might have been overenthusiastic there during the jingle. It's just feedback we got last week was that we looked like we were about to kill each other during the last jingle.

William Hanson 0:31:42 They now overlay graphics.

Jordan North 0:31:45 So they put a graphic up, apparently we were just staring at each other like, fucking hate you. So sorry. So now we were like, it's Williams, Williams.

William Hanson 0:31:54 What we like.

Jordan North 0:31:55 It is true though, honestly. Like, there's edits that go out from the breakfast show and stuff, or when you're on telly, if you've just got normal face—

William Hanson 0:32:04 Can you remember that?

Jordan North 0:32:05 Like, Dermot O'Leary was always getting in trouble for it because you've got to be smiley all the time, haven't you? But if you're just doing normal face, everyone's like, oh my God, they hate each other.

Ben 0:32:13 I saw that moment of BBC News where it cut back to the woman presenter, and she was doing the middle finger to the camera. Maybe we should start doing that.

William Hanson 0:32:20 So, earrings. Back in the day, both men and women wore earrings and had ears pierced for centuries. But it changed in the 19th century when it began to be seen as immoral. Sailors in particular wore only one, maybe sometimes two, often just a simple hoop. Ben, you're a simple hoop, aren't you? Is that your earring?

Ben 0:32:38 I am currently a simple hoop.

William Hanson 0:32:40 And actually, as you'll see on BenCam, Quite a nautical top, as it were. The left ear was favoured by sailors because it was seen as a lucky talisman, as ships docked in the left-hand side in the port, hence port. Whilst the wearing of the earring was fashionable throughout the 20th century, having your ears pierced was seen as very low class. Ladies back then wore clip-on earrings in both the UK and the USA. After World War II, pierced ears did, however, come back into vogue, and the late Queen almost basically helped bring ear piercings back in British society because she had her ears pierced still as Princess Elizabeth in 1951, which sparked the trend. However, it never became fully acceptable in society until the 1960s or the 1970s. Now, at this time, some gay men began to have their left ear pierced, so continuing the naval tradition, and this gave rise to the brief phenomenon of the gay ear. So, if you only had one ear and it was your left ear that was pierced, supposedly it was a way of signifying to others that you were gay. And remember, this was a time when homosexuality was illegal and you couldn't sort of— you didn't have the rights that we do today. So, it was a semi-covert way of self-expression. By the late '70s and into the '80s, the rise in Britain of both punk and the New Romantic culture made piercings of all kinds more mainstream, and more and more men chose a single piercing. Fewer gay men adopted the style, and it sort of went out of fashion. So, it was a thing for a brief bit, but now you have your ears pierced However you like, wherever you like. It's got nothing to do with your sexual identity.

Jordan North 0:34:13 Have you ever had your ears pierced?

William Hanson 0:34:15 No.

Jordan North 0:34:15 No, me neither.

William Hanson 0:34:16 I, again, I'm squeamish, so I— the thought of— oh. Well,

Ben 0:34:20 I nearly fainted, didn't I?

William Hanson 0:34:21 You did nearly faint, yes. I wear clip-on earrings for Titanic.

Jordan North 0:34:24 Oh dear.

William Hanson 0:34:24 Back on the 10th of November. But other than that, I don't.

Jordan North 0:34:27 But you will literally have needles in your head and face.

William Hanson 0:34:30 Yeah, but they're not making a hole in me, are they, that you can see through? Generally.

Jordan North 0:34:37 All right, let's go on to the listeners.

William Hanson 0:34:40 What about the news?

Jordan North 0:34:41 Well, because we had your big etiquette etymology there—

William Hanson 0:34:44 Yeah.

Jordan North 0:34:45 It always goes on a bit. I thought we'd save the news till the end after the problems and dilemmas. Yeah, because it is, it is exciting. It is really exciting.

Ben 0:34:52 Who made you creative director? Making decisions.

Jordan North 0:34:55 Bitch, please. That's what I am.

William Hanson 0:34:57 Are you?

Jordan North 0:34:58 Well, yeah.

William Hanson 0:34:59 You've got the jumper to prove it.

Ben 0:35:01 Is that the news?

Jordan North 0:35:02 I'm executive producer, chairman emeritus, creative director Jordan North. That is my title.

Ben 0:35:08 Okay, and no problem with it?

Jordan North 0:35:11 Damned if I do, damned if I don't with you lot.

William Hanson 0:35:13 Oh, stop it.

Jordan North 0:35:15 I leave comments on the clips that get sent to us, and then I'm being hard work.

Ben 0:35:20 I like it.

Jordan North 0:35:21 I like being told what to do. Creative director. Fine, I'll go back to not giving feedback, and we'll be like the rest of the bloody bland podcasts out there. Shall we? Is that what you want, Ben? Do you want another bland podcast produced from London? Do ya? Do ya?

Ben 0:35:35 No.

Jordan North 0:35:36 Right, fine.

William Hanson 0:35:37 Are you okay? Who's put 50p in you?

Ben 0:35:39 It's more like fucking 2 quid. Excuse my language.

Jordan North 0:35:43 Alright, uh—

William Hanson 0:35:47 Is this about the New York Times app? Are you really that pissed off?

Jordan North 0:35:50 No, no, I'm not bothered.

William Hanson 0:35:51 Yeah, we can tell that.

Jordan North 0:35:53 Now it's time for your questions and dilemmas. Go on. Remember, we've no idea what's coming up.

William Hanson 0:35:59 Yeah, that's quite obvious, I think.

Jordan North 0:36:00 Reading them for the first time. Like you are.

William Hanson 0:36:07 This is from anonymous. Hi boys, I'm planning on resigning from my job. I don't particularly like the job anymore and have found a career that makes me happier. It's me. But I'm close to my team and manager on a personal level. What's the proper etiquette for resigning? Should I give my manager a heads up and agree on a suitable time to give my notice, or should I just go straight to a formal letter of resignation? Yeah, I presume you want to—

Jordan North 0:36:30 I'd give them a heads up first. If you're pretty close, I'd just say, take them for a coffee and just be like, just to let you know, a job's come up. I absolutely— and say what you said there. I absolutely love working with you. I see you as all the friends, blah, blah, blah. Hope we can be friends after, but just let you know, in a week or so, I'm going to be handing in my notice.

William Hanson 0:36:45 Yeah, and it's not about them, clearly. It's because you like them and you've told us that you're very close, so I wouldn't worry. And you'll still, you know, you'll still keep in touch with them.

Jordan North 0:36:54 And if you've— if you hated them, you could have done it like Mr.

William Hanson 0:36:59 G. Exactly.

Jordan North 0:37:00 Shove it up your arse, Margaret! Which I would love to do.

William Hanson 0:37:06 Poor old Margaret.

Jordan North 0:37:09 There's my notice. There's your flowers. Shove it up your arse, Margaret. So that'd be a great way to hand in a notice. I don't think I've ever handed in a notice.

William Hanson 0:37:15 Do you want to pretend you're resigning from this podcast, and I'll— I'll be— I'll be me. Pretend you're resigning. Let's roll the clips.

Jordan North 0:37:22 You want me to say I'm leaving to go to a rival podcast?

William Hanson 0:37:24 Yes.

Jordan North 0:37:24 Too many flashbacks there, William. Too much PTSD. So, you do it. Okay. I'm not doing it. Christ, not that again. God.

William Hanson 0:37:33 You've never— you've never left. In body.

Jordan North 0:37:37 Not about this.

Ben 0:37:39 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:37:39 What?

Jordan North 0:37:40 2 years ago. Jeez. Fuck you. Leaving for arrival. Oh!

William Hanson 0:37:50 Oh yeah, sorry. Yeah, but look at you now.

Ben 0:37:53 Imagine you're leaving your second favourite podcast.

Jordan North 0:37:57 So you're leaving this. You're leaving— you're leaving Sex Ted. Yeah. So how would you say

William Hanson 0:38:02 it? Jordan, love. Jordan. No, put the phone down. Jordan. Jordan, look at me.

Jordan North 0:38:08 Sorry. Why do I feel like everything's a dig today? What is it with me?

William Hanson 0:38:14 No, that's just your own insecurities. Jordan. Jordan, fine, I'll Instagram you.

Jordan North 0:38:20 And then? Well,

William Hanson 0:38:23 I've just sent you a DM. Oh,

Jordan North 0:38:24 okay.

William Hanson 0:38:25 Yeah, it's the only way you'd read it. This is from Charles. Hi both, I was discussing electric cars with a friend recently, specifically their limited range. What would you say the etiquette is around guests turning up to stay and requesting a free charge from my mains as part of their visit?

Jordan North 0:38:38 Oh, it's a good one.

William Hanson 0:38:39 Should I be obliging, or is it a bit cheeky of them? I remember doing this—

Jordan North 0:38:43 That's a good one, though.

William Hanson 0:38:44 Years ago on on the radio, I think, and people disagreed with me. You see, if you came around to mine, I don't have an electric thing for you to charge at a port, so you wouldn't really ask me. But let's pretend I did. I wouldn't mind. I'd be like, if you were doing it all the time, yeah, we'd have to have a word. But I would say it's a bit like having a guest over and sort of getting a bit prissy about them having a shower. Like, well—

Jordan North 0:39:07 Well, I mean, there's a difference between a quick shower and charging your car overnight. Agreed. If some— if, uh, if someone said to me, can I charge your car? Can I charge your car? I wouldn't mind. But probably the correct etiquette is to—

William Hanson 0:39:19 I'll give you a bit of money, buy them a bottle of wine.

Jordan North 0:39:21 If you're desperate, that's always good to say. Can I charge your car? I've nothing left, I'll, I'll just ping you some money over. Or wait for the charger. I've nothing left. I've nothing left. Excuse me, I have an electric car. It's very, very stressful, you know.

William Hanson 0:39:35 Well, you chose to have one.

Jordan North 0:39:37 Well, no, it's not. I actually, you know, it It's not stressful, but you can get what they call, I think they call it— Range anxiety. Range

William Hanson 0:39:48 anxiety, thank you, yeah. There's an anxiety, Jordan will have it.

Jordan North 0:39:53 How many's that now? Oh, 6 digs today.

Ben 0:39:56 There's more than that.

Jordan North 0:39:58 Oh, 8.

William Hanson 0:40:00 Let's see if we can get to double figures by the end of the episode.

Ben 0:40:06 Range anxiety. What's range anxiety?

Jordan North 0:40:08 So, because I've got an electric car, and when I travel up north and stuff, um, you can— you're constantly looking at the range, and if you run out, sometimes when it's cold as well, it just drops. But honestly, I have never had any problem, man. I've always found— I've travelled miles. I've travelled up to Lake District in mine, so it's fine.

William Hanson 0:40:26 Well, yeah, you just— surely you plan— you plan your route. Not Wales.

Ben 0:40:32 Wales?

Jordan North 0:40:32 Why did I take you in it? Nowhere. Was you not anywhere else making it fart?

Ben 0:40:38 To the southwest.

William Hanson 0:40:38 No, I wouldn't be laughing at you making it fart.

Jordan North 0:40:41 Did I dream that? You were making it— we were outside Elton John's house.

William Hanson 0:40:46 That was definitely not me.

Jordan North 0:40:47 I think I dreamt that. No, I've got 2 stories mixed up. We were outside Elton John's house, and Chris was— because Chris has got the same car as me, it makes fart noises. Anyway—

William Hanson 0:40:58 Who wants a car that can make fart noises?

Jordan North 0:41:00 Outside Elton John's house.

William Hanson 0:41:01 Why don't your car manufacturer just get a car that has a better range rather than producing fart noises.

Jordan North 0:41:06 Anyway, I think it's fine to offer money and say—

William Hanson 0:41:08 Yes. Yeah, I think you can ask and say, look, can I give you something for this?

Jordan North 0:41:11 I don't think I'd be daft, you're right.

William Hanson 0:41:12 This is from Gaz. Dear Dilemma Daddies, so a while back I bought a little cage for my favourite sex toy. And turns out I'm obsessed with not having access to it. My husband held the keys. Honestly, I was a better, more attentive husband the whole time, doing literally anything to earn access to my plaything. Did he appreciate this? No. He caved and handed the keys back to me. It's not really his thing, apparently. Now Locktober's coming up, and I really want him to take control. Lock the cage, pocket the key, zero discussions required. I think he would enjoy the situation if he gave it a chance, and it's not like it will limit his fun. My actual question is etiquette-based. How do I pitch this without sounding completely feral? A PowerPoint titled The Benefits of a Subservient Husband is way too much. Ciding him the key on his way out the door is too low effort, and I am absolutely not bringing this up over dinner at a restaurant with a waiter lurking nearby. So, Dilemma Daddies, how do I convince him to lock me up for the full 31 days of October?

Jordan North 0:42:08 To— just to clarify this—

William Hanson 0:42:11 Over to you.

Jordan North 0:42:12 This is, um, this is one of those cages for your cock, innit?

William Hanson 0:42:15 Well, there is that, but he says, he says, I bought a little cage for my favourite sex toy. So is the toy— let's assume it's a dildo or a plug or something— is that within a cage?

Jordan North 0:42:25 I thought it's—

Ben 0:42:25 Yeah, it's like a little budgie.

Jordan North 0:42:30 What?

Ben 0:42:30 Like a budgie in a cage.

Jordan North 0:42:32 Do you remember in the '90s everyone used to have budgies?

William Hanson 0:42:34 Yeah.

Jordan North 0:42:35 You never see them anymore. Yeah.

Ben 0:42:36 But now all those cages are used for dildos.

Jordan North 0:42:38 What happened to budgies? Seriously. You'd go to someone's house after school, you'd be like, who's that? They'd be like, oh, that's Peter and Paul, me mum's budgies.

Ben 0:42:47 You used to have those pet shops in like towns, didn't you, that you don't have anymore?

Jordan North 0:42:50 Get budgies.

Ben 0:42:51 Really like crusty pet shops.

Jordan North 0:42:53 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:42:53 There's still one near where Mikey is from.

Jordan North 0:42:55 A budgie?

William Hanson 0:42:56 That we drive past, yeah. Not a budgie shop, a pet shop. Maybe we should get a Saxton budgie and have a studio budgie.

Jordan North 0:43:02 Yeah! Little Saxton in the corner.

Ben 0:43:04 Maybe it will last longer than the plant behind you, William. I think all the budgies have been smuggled.

William Hanson 0:43:10 I mean, what's one other little thing in a cage in the corner chirruping away?

Jordan North 0:43:15 That's true. Got Ben. I thought this was one of those cages that covers your willy, and then there's a padlock for it, and then the person that is in charge of you is in charge of the padlock.

William Hanson 0:43:29 Yeah.

Jordan North 0:43:29 So if we—

William Hanson 0:43:30 Apparently you can go to the loo still. So it's a cage. Yeah,

Jordan North 0:43:34 it is a cage.

William Hanson 0:43:34 But then the cage gets wet. Oh, it's disgusting. Not that we're kink-shaming. No, we're not. It's just not for me.

Jordan North 0:43:40 Each to their own. No.

William Hanson 0:43:41 That's good. That's good for me. Round of applause for Jordan. That wasn't a dig! I went, that's good!

Ben 0:43:50 That was a surprise.

William Hanson 0:43:51 That's the opposite. I just didn't expect you to be funny.

Jordan North 0:43:55 Each to their own.

Ben 0:43:56 Okay, that's a dig.

Jordan North 0:43:57 Alright, so my advice is—

William Hanson 0:44:00 Shall I get you a cage?

Jordan North 0:44:02 No! You know I'm claustrophobic. I get—

William Hanson 0:44:07 Yeah, but that wouldn't get claustrophobic.

Jordan North 0:44:09 I get claustrophobic with rings stuck on my finger and stuff. So having me witchy covered. I'd be all— sometimes I've— once when I go to Spain, I go on a moped. Yeah,

William Hanson 0:44:21 I thought you were putting on a headscarf like the Queen.

Jordan North 0:44:23 I put an helmet on, and when I can't get the helmet on, I get panicky and claustrophobic.

William Hanson 0:44:27 Claustrophobic?

Jordan North 0:44:28 Claustrophobic. I can't get off. So if I'd say to your partner, speak to them and say, look, I know you're not into it, can we just give it one more go? Try it one more time. If your partner's still not feeling it, then it's off.

William Hanson 0:44:38 Then it's off.

Jordan North 0:44:39 Give it— say, can we give it one more go? And yeah, just talk normally. Boundaries and communicate. what he doesn't like and what he does like. And if he's still not going it, don't push him into it. Don't pressure him into it, obviously.

William Hanson 0:44:49 Yeah, exactly. Just talk to each other.

Jordan North 0:44:51 We've had this advice.

William Hanson 0:44:51 We have.

Jordan North 0:44:52 What is it, 12 years now? 10? Oh, we still owe you for barbecue as well. How much is it?

William Hanson 0:44:58 Yes. £105. Hi, I'm— this is anonymous. I'm hoping you might be able to give me some advice on the situation I'm struggling with. My boyfriend and I recently moved to our first home and we're really proud of it. We've agreed that we don't want smoking or vaping inside the house. My boyfriend smokes outside and is completely fine with that arrangement. The problem is that when some of my family members visited recently, they started vaping inside the house without asking. I found this quite uncomfortable, but I didn't say anything at the time because I'm not very good at confrontation. I know that ultimately it's our home and it's reasonable for us to decide what we're comfortable with, but I'm struggling with how to communicate that boundary, particularly because it's family and I don't want anyone to feel unwelcome. I'd really appreciate your advice on how to handle this. How can I say in a calm and respectful way that I don't want vaping inside our home without making it sound like like a personal criticism or starting a family disagreement. Thanks for your help. The trouble is you have now let this go once, and they will now go, but it was fine last time.

Jordan North 0:45:51 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:45:52 In which case you go, I know, and I should have said something. Please, would you mind vaping outside? You keep it simple.

Jordan North 0:45:58 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:45:58 Say please. Please, would you mind vaping outside? End of. Don't over-apologise. Just say it.

Jordan North 0:46:04 As someone that hates confrontation, you do have to just bite the bullet and be like, like, please, can you vape outside? Yeah, and that's it. And if they get arsey about that, that's on them. People are bad. Some vapers, not all. I know they can be quite arsey, the vapers, because, you know, like gays and lesbians, vapers and smokers, we don't get on. It's a bit of a—

William Hanson 0:46:25 yeah, right.

Jordan North 0:46:26 Because I'm— yeah, they do. So we've got— there's a bit of a thing there.

Ben 0:46:29 It's like smooth and crunchy peanut butter.

Jordan North 0:46:31 Yeah, it's like— yeah, so smokers and vapers, there's like a bit So I would never light up in someone's house. And even if I go in the garden, I make sure they've got an ashtray or a bin I can put my

William Hanson 0:46:41 butt in.

Jordan North 0:46:41 Oh, but vapers— I'm sorry, vapers, but they're everywhere you go, that bloody dust cloud. I don't mind, I'll let them.

William Hanson 0:46:52 It's like the caterpillar in Alice in Wonderland.

Jordan North 0:46:54 It is, it is. You can vape in my kitchen, I don't mind. But vapers, this is a message to you. Don't start vaping in someone's house unless you've asked.

William Hanson 0:47:02 At my soiree, I remembered that I had an ashtray, which actually was given last year by my friend James, that says Debonnet on it. So I popped that outside for the smokers.

Jordan North 0:47:11 Who was smoking?

William Hanson 0:47:12 A few people. I wasn't keeping a record, but they respectfully did it outside in a Debonnet ashtray.

Jordan North 0:47:18 Were there any vapers?

William Hanson 0:47:19 Yes.

Jordan North 0:47:20 Do you not let vaping in your house?

William Hanson 0:47:22 No, not really.

Jordan North 0:47:22 I don't mind in kitchen.

William Hanson 0:47:23 It probably happened, but I don't like it, no.

Jordan North 0:47:25 Yeah. You should have seen the bloody vape my brother had when he come to stay. It was very classy. Look

William Hanson 0:47:33 at

Jordan North 0:47:33 that.

William Hanson 0:47:33 Who died and made you Little Lord Fauntleroy?

Jordan North 0:47:36 Fauntleroy?

William Hanson 0:47:37 Oh, don't worry.

Jordan North 0:47:38 Who's Fauntleroy?

William Hanson 0:47:39 What?

Jordan North 0:47:40 It's Little Lord Fauntleroy.

William Hanson 0:47:41 Fauntleroy?

Jordan North 0:47:42 Fauntleroy.

William Hanson 0:47:44 It's not Fauntleroy.

Jordan North 0:47:45 Little Lord Fauntleroy.

William Hanson 0:47:46 It's not Little Lord Fauntleroy.

Jordan North 0:47:48 Who is it then?

William Hanson 0:47:49 Little Lord Fauntleroy.

Jordan North 0:47:50 It's Fauntleroy, the little fucking lord, the knobhead.

William Hanson 0:47:54 Yeah, Little Lord Fauntleroy. Farquaad? No, that's Shrek.

Jordan North 0:47:59 It's based on him though, innit?

William Hanson 0:48:00 No, Little Lord Fauntleroy was a— oh, do I do this as an etymology?

Ben 0:48:04 But Farquaad is a small little lord.

William Hanson 0:48:07 Lord Farquaad, yes.

Ben 0:48:09 Farquaad.

Jordan North 0:48:10 You've got a look of him, actually. If you had black hair, you'd be the double of him.

Ben 0:48:16 Of who? Fauntleroy or Farquaad?

Jordan North 0:48:19 No, Farquaad.

William Hanson 0:48:20 Well, it's funny because you look like Fiona from Shrek.

Jordan North 0:48:24 That'll do, donkey.

William Hanson 0:48:25 After the transformation.

Jordan North 0:48:27 In the morning, I'll make you waffles.

William Hanson 0:48:29 Finally, this is from Jess. Dear Jordan, William, and the rest of the team, I am the mum of an only child, daughter, who is leaving for uni next weekend. Her dad and I are so proud and excited to have her embark on this new adventure, but also heartbroken she's leaving us. My dilemma is, how often should we contact her while she's away? The crazy mum part of me thinks every day, but realistically, what do you think is a suitable amount of time Thank you for the podcast over the last few years. You have cheered me at my lowest, losing my dad and then having a cancer diagnosis. All clear now. Love, Jess.

Jordan North 0:48:58 I don't know really on that one, Jess. Um, I think a text every— I know some people who text and speak to their parents every day, so if you're close, yeah.

William Hanson 0:49:08 Yeah, it's whatever. And if you've— oh, listen, if you don't have anything to say, you don't need to speak.

Jordan North 0:49:13 And you know what, if you want to text every day, just text every day. Just be like, hey, hope you have a great day. Because I know people that text mum and dads all the time. I text my mum every— you speak to your mum every day, don't you?

William Hanson 0:49:23 Every other. Yeah.

Jordan North 0:49:24 Yeah. I text my mum every other day. I felt bad the other day.

William Hanson 0:49:29 Why?

Jordan North 0:49:30 She rang and I didn't answer, apparently.

William Hanson 0:49:32 Well, that's fine. If you're busy, you're busy.

Jordan North 0:49:34 No, it's not, it's your mother.

William Hanson 0:49:35 Yeah, but what happens if you're on the radio? Oh, sorry, bong man, just hold on, I've just got my mum's phoning. You're not gonna do that, are you?

Jordan North 0:49:41 Put it this way, I'm more scared of Wendy than the bong man.

William Hanson 0:49:44 Fine.

Jordan North 0:49:45 But yeah, and then I rung her back up, but I felt bad.

William Hanson 0:49:48 You— I'm sorry. What? You rung her back up?

Ben 0:49:49 That's fine.

Jordan North 0:49:50 Yeah, about an hour later.

William Hanson 0:49:51 Right, where's your list about things to talk about?

Jordan North 0:49:53 You never— I'm sorry, right? But the etiquette where I'm from is when your mother rings you, you do not not answer.

William Hanson 0:50:00 If you are busy, you don't answer.

Jordan North 0:50:03 It's your mother!

William Hanson 0:50:03 I don't care!

Jordan North 0:50:05 Alright, well, Joe! Poll, please! Right, is this just a northern thing? If your mother rings you, you should never not answer. That's your mother! Yeah, yeah, yeah.

William Hanson 0:50:13 Obviously, if you're sitting on the sofa doing nothing, picking your nose, You answer. Right, well then.

Jordan North 0:50:17 It's a bit blissful.

William Hanson 0:50:18 Oh, you don't want to answer?

Jordan North 0:50:21 No! I was just having— Don't answer. I was having— I just got in and I was— I just had it. I was having a brew and I was watching— what was I watching? Oh, that 4 in a bed, you know, it won't kick off.

Ben 0:50:30 It's which type of 4 in a bed?

Jordan North 0:50:33 When you're half awake.

Ben 0:50:34 What were you watching?

Jordan North 0:50:35 It wasn't porn.

William Hanson 0:50:36 It's a very blissful hour.

Jordan North 0:50:38 Anyway.

William Hanson 0:50:38 He opened up his laptop, 4 in a bed.

Ben 0:50:40 4 in a bed, please.

Jordan North 0:50:42 Where I'm from, first and foremost, you never say— you never not answer your phone to your mother, and you should ring your mum. That's my mum's thing. She didn't like it when—

William Hanson 0:50:49 No, you see, I just— and actually, my mother does say to me, because she used to get annoyed with Granny, that Granny would always expect for my mother to phone Granny.

Jordan North 0:50:55 Yeah, my mum's the same. My mum's like—

William Hanson 0:50:56 I said to my mother the other day, I was like, no, you know you can phone me.

Jordan North 0:50:59 She doesn't disagree. My mum's the same. She rung me because she wanted to see— I'm meant to be seeing her this weekend, but she was like— because she says, I've not heard from— I'm like, Well, it's usually Ryan. I've not heard from Ryan. I said ring him, chat. I'm not ringing him. I'm his bloody mother. I might just ring him.

William Hanson 0:51:13 Well, when you eventually go to therapy, pop that on your list to talk about.

Jordan North 0:51:18 Alright. Joe! Alright.

William Hanson 0:51:23 Should we do our big announcement?

Jordan North 0:51:24 Yes, let's do our big announcement.

William Hanson 0:51:26 We've got something big.

Jordan North 0:51:26 Always answer the phone to your mother, kids.

William Hanson 0:51:28 That's not the announcement.

Jordan North 0:51:29 Always answer the phone to your mother.

William Hanson 0:51:30 Now, before we get started, it's important to say nothing is actually changing on this feed.

Jordan North 0:51:36 No.

William Hanson 0:51:36 Okay. Tuesdays are for our lives and your dilemmas. Fridays are for your responses.

Jordan North 0:51:43 Yes. Catching up.

William Hanson 0:51:44 Any extra bits we can squeeze into your week.

Jordan North 0:51:47 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:51:48 Same time, same place. But we wanted to create a space for those who want a little bit more out of Sexted, and that's why we are partnering with Patreon to help create Help! I Sexted My Boss, Out of office! Yay!

Jordan North 0:52:04 Get out of here!

William Hanson 0:52:06 Don't ruin it, Ben.

Jordan North 0:52:10 We'll do that again. Help, I sexed my boss. Out of office! Woo! This is great. Honestly, we're proper, proper buzzing for this. It's something we've been working on for a few months, and we just hope you're gonna love it.

William Hanson 0:52:22 Yes. So, what it means is there is a bonus weekly episode dropping every Wednesday. A place for all the G&Divas to come together. A new home for our VI G&Diva newsletter. So that's all on there. Ad-free listening and viewing.

Jordan North 0:52:38 That's help.com. You won't have to hear that every time, will ya?

William Hanson 0:52:43 And early—

Jordan North 0:52:45 It's H-E-L-P.

William Hanson 0:52:46 And early access to any future live shows, merchandise. And to kick it all off— oh, that's very street of me to say kick it all off. Exclusive access to watch our arena show from earlier in the year, and a feature-length BTS, that's, uh, that's behind the scenes, not the Korean pop group. BTS tour documentary.

Ben 0:53:06 Duh, uh, uh, uh, Dynamite.

William Hanson 0:53:10 That was tragic.

Jordan North 0:53:12 So look, um, yeah, we are super excited about it. And, and basically the idea came from this, was we were on tour and we were like, look at all these wonderful, amazing people that have come out to see us, and that it's like a community. And we were like, let's— we want to create a community online for you, our Gene Divas, to come together and chat. We know, like, you all comment and stuff on Spotify and YouTube and that reason. So we want to create that, that community, that love that we felt in the room but online. Is that—

William Hanson 0:53:43 There's a group chat, isn't there?

Jordan North 0:53:44 Yeah, there's gonna be a group chat.

Ben 0:53:46 There's going to be many group chats.

William Hanson 0:53:47 Oh, many?

Ben 0:53:48 Well, a few. There could be more than one, but the idea is that we're going to be creating some, some fun bits of new content, and some, some of them might have some special group chats attached. Yeah, there's going

Jordan North 0:53:59 like extra bits. I think the fact that we're launching it with the tour, so if you've not seen it yet, you're gonna be able to—

William Hanson 0:54:05 Or you want to relive it.

Jordan North 0:54:06 Yeah, uh, there's gonna be, like William said, this documentary, which by the way I've not seen yet and I'm buzzing.

William Hanson 0:54:11 I've seen clips.

Jordan North 0:54:12 I'm— I want to—

William Hanson 0:54:14 very funny.

Jordan North 0:54:14 I think we have a night where you all come over and watch at mine, shall we? I'll have a beer and stuff.

William Hanson 0:54:20 I could say something, but it'll count as the 10th dig, so I'm not gonna say anything. Well, we'll try and get a date in, but

Jordan North 0:54:25 No, I think we do a Friday night. We should do. Get some beers and a curry in. Let's leave that with me.

Ben 0:54:30 Perfect.

William Hanson 0:54:31 Right.

Jordan North 0:54:31 Great. Should we do that?

William Hanson 0:54:33 Be ready for the next tour.

Jordan North 0:54:34 So there's gonna be weekly bonuses.

William Hanson 0:54:35 There's even something that will be popping up in a few weeks. You actually wrote about it and sent us an email on your holiday.

Jordan North 0:54:42 I felt like Ben was in the room with me. I shot up out of bed, right?

Ben 0:54:46 Oof!

William Hanson 0:54:47 He has that effect.

Jordan North 0:54:48 Grabbed my laptop at 2 in the morning. I'm like 4

Ben 0:54:51 in a bed

Jordan North 0:54:52 writing this script for an idea I had, and then I sent it to you all the next day. And apart from me—

William Hanson 0:54:57 We all dropped our phones.

Jordan North 0:54:58 Everyone was buzzing.

William Hanson 0:55:00 What do you mean apart from me?

Jordan North 0:55:01 Well, it was— can I just say Izzy was lovely when I sent that in. She went, George, this is great, super excited.

Ben 0:55:08 We all were.

Jordan North 0:55:09 You sent a thumbs up emoji, if I remember correctly. Anyway, so I— we're going to be doing something on there that is basically what Eugene Diva has been asking for for years. So, some of that—

Ben 0:55:19 You just need to do some homework.

Jordan North 0:55:20 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:55:21 I actually did a bit of homework this morning in the chair.

Ben 0:55:25 Okay. In the cuck chair?

William Hanson 0:55:27 No, but in a chair.

Jordan North 0:55:29 Okay.

William Hanson 0:55:30 Now, it's live right now. At this moment in time, it is already live. You can go to sexwithmyboss.com/patreon, that's P-A-T-R-E-O-N, to sign up. And if you sign up before next Wednesday, we're offering 50% off the first month with the code OUTOF It's also all in the episode description on this episode if you have missed any of this. Weekly bonus episodes will start from next Wednesday, and our exclusive BTS tour documentary will be with you this Friday. If you have got an iPhone, don't sign up on the app. Go to the website, sexismyboss.com/patreon. You can also join up for free as well. You can be part of the group chats for free. So you, you know, you don't have to see any of the extra stuff. Oh, okay. I can understand if you don't want to. If you don't want extra Ben, fair enough. You can still be part of the group chat. sexismyboss.com/patreon is still the URL to go to.

Jordan North 0:56:18 It's live right now. We'll see you on Friday.

William Hanson 0:56:20 Goodbye.