Spillages and Firefighters

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:01:00 Hello and welcome to The Luxury Podcast. My name's Jonathan Vernon-Smith, and with me is William Hanson. This is the podcast that helps you live a more luxury life.

William Hanson 0:01:20 Hello, Jonathan and I are here to help you create the everyday moments of luxury that make life worth living, whatever your budget. So welcome to another

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:01:25 bonus episode of The Luxury Podcast. where William and I trade tips and stories from our own luxury lifestyles, as well as delving into our lovely, great big overflowing mail sacks.

William Hanson 0:01:39 You're trying to do it verbatim from memory.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:01:41 So, William, have you had a good week?

William Hanson 0:01:43 I've had a very good week. I have more or less sobered up, as have you, following my little soirée. My, my little soirée.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:01:50 Your soirée on Saturday was one of the messiest soirées I have attended for many years. In fact, probably The messiest since the last one I came to at

William Hanson 0:02:03 your house.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:05 You know how to get people knocking back the booze, don't you?

William Hanson 0:02:07 Yeah, well, we— it's— well, the secret is caterers.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:10 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:02:10 Julie and Rhiannon.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:12 Caterers with little bits of food.

William Hanson 0:02:14 Yep.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:14 And then you're so drunk that you're in a terrible old state. I had the worst hangover on Sunday, William, that I have had for probably 20 years.

William Hanson 0:02:24 Okay, yeah, but you— can I just say, I think you left at about half midnight? Half midnight one?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:29 I have no idea. I don't remember.

William Hanson 0:02:30 I was still going till 4.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:31 4 o'clock in the morning?

William Hanson 0:02:34 Well, I got into bed at 4.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:35 Oh, William.

William Hanson 0:02:37 There was a McDonald's ordered at 3 AM.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:38 Oh my god.

William Hanson 0:02:40 And a group of us just stayed.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:42 What's wrong with you? What is wrong with you?

William Hanson 0:02:44 'Cause we all were so drunk, we just went, I think we need food.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:47 You were very drunk when I left. You've got red wine lips and teeth. You were there staggering about. I thought, oh my God.

William Hanson 0:02:56 Well, I realised what— because the last— when we did the housewarming last year,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:00 yeah,

William Hanson 0:03:01 I didn't really get that drunk. It finished at 2, but I didn't get that drunk because I was doing tours of the house, because people kept saying to me, can we come and see the house? So I was like up and down the stairs. Of course, when you're going up and down the stairs doing tours, you're not drinking.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:16 No.

William Hanson 0:03:16 So last year I was fine. This year, because most people had seen the house, And not many people asked for tours, or if they did, they just went and looked at the house themselves, which is fine. Sadie and Izzy, I'm looking at you.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:29 Did you let yourselves upstairs?

William Hanson 0:03:30 Yes, of course. I went upstairs.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:31 Wow! Blimey.

William Hanson 0:03:35 I found little notes from Sadie and Izzy in my study.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:37 Well, I knew that Izzy had been upstairs, but we'll get on to what she got up to a little later.

William Hanson 0:03:41 Yeah. And—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:43 Rodrigo! I heard that!

William Hanson 0:03:48 Yeah, so I was downstairs chatting and having my glass topped up by those Well,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:54 I knew you'd had a few when I arrived. So when I arrived—

William Hanson 0:03:56 You arrived late.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:57 Well, I arrived late for 2 reasons. Firstly, you told me to arrive late.

William Hanson 0:04:02 No, I said—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:03 Because the caterers had taken up all your parking permits.

William Hanson 0:04:06 I said, come at— oh no, I said, you can come whenever. If you come before 8, when the parking is in operation, then you just need to park on the other road. It is the road off our road.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:15 Oh, I've not got time for that. So, I thought, well, I should just arrive after 8 then. If there's no parking—

William Hanson 0:04:21 You arrived at quarter past 9, Jonathan. That's well after 8.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:23 I know, because I had a tyre issue. I was on the road, on the M40, and all of a sudden my warning light came on. I thought, oh no. It said one of my tyre pressures was low. Now, I then decided to go to a petrol station just to check my pressures and top myself up. Do you think I could find a petrol station? I mean, honestly, where you live, there's no OneDrive.

William Hanson 0:04:51 Well, it's London, darling.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:54 There's hardly any petrol stations. So I found this petrol station, topped up. Anyway, I was only 1 PSI low. I don't know why it was all these bings and bongs going off. But then I got stuck in this terrible one-way system, and they're digging up most of where you live.

William Hanson 0:05:09 Yeah, they are, the towers. Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:11 All the time, all these blooming traffic lights. So yes, I was late. At which point I arrived at your house, and I could hear the hubbub going on inside behind your luxury front door.

William Hanson 0:05:21 Soon to be replaced.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:23 I rang your bell. Nothing. So I rang your bell again. Nothing. And it was at this point I suddenly remembered that you'd left your house keys here in the studio last time we recorded Luxury Podcast. And I'd got them in my coat pocket to give you back. So I thought, I'm just gonna break and enter. So I penetrated your outer barrier, and I just arrived and found you, and you didn't look remotely surprised to see me.

William Hanson 0:05:52 Oh, I didn't care that you'd left.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:53 Ooh, hello, you said, spinning round with a glass of red already on the go. I thought, oh, he's had a few.

William Hanson 0:05:58 I started on the champagne and then went to red.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:01 I think you were on the red when I arrived, weren't you?

William Hanson 0:06:04 Possibly. I honestly can't remember.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:06 Yeah, I think you were. And yeah, so I then let myself in, and that's when the fun began.

William Hanson 0:06:12 Well, we were having fun actually without you.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:14 Well, I think, yeah, I think—

William Hanson 0:06:15 More fun happened when you were there.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:17 Yeah, no, I mean, the fun for me began.

William Hanson 0:06:19 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:19 And I think that was part of the problem. Having arrived late—

William Hanson 0:06:23 You wanted to catch up.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:24 You know when you arrive at a party and you feel as if you're on a different level to everyone else?

William Hanson 0:06:28 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:28 And I thought, right, time to catch up here. Come on. So, I found one of your staff.

William Hanson 0:06:35 They're not living. We have asked, but they're not.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:40 I found one of your staff, and I said, hello, you look like somebody that could put a glass of red wine in my hand. And she said, yes. And she continually topped me up.

William Hanson 0:06:50 She continually topped a lot of people up.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:53 Yeah, that's when it all started to go downhill, really.

William Hanson 0:06:55 Yeah. Some of my guests who listen to this podcast were very pleased to actually finally meet you. Some of them had met you before, others had not yet met you.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:04 Right.

William Hanson 0:07:05 Well,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:06 I enjoyed meeting them.

William Hanson 0:07:07 They were very grateful to meet you.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:08 Yes.

William Hanson 0:07:09 And it was lovely. Rodrigo came, Zaidy came, Zofia came.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:13 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:07:13 And Izzy.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:14 The whole shebang.

William Hanson 0:07:15 The whole shebang. Everyone was there. There's a lovely photo, actually, which I honestly can't remember being taken, of Zaidy, Rodrigo, Zofia, Izzy, and me. No idea.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:26 No idea.

William Hanson 0:07:27 You're not in it.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:28 No, I don't know. I bet I wasn't. I probably had had my accident at that point.

William Hanson 0:07:32 Yes. So, you had a glass of red wine. Well, one or two glasses of red wine, but this particular glass of red wine whilst you were sitting on my sofa.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:40 I was sitting on your new— It's

William Hanson 0:07:43 not that new anymore, but yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:44 Your new luxury sofa.

William Hanson 0:07:47 Thank you. Isn't it comfortable?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:49 I don't remember, William. I could have been sitting on a cardboard box.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:53 I'll be honest with you, I do not remember. But I do remember Social Media Freddie, otherwise known to you and everyone else as Viral Freddie, I don't know why I didn't get the memo on that, but social media Freddie topped my glass up to the brim with red wine. And when I said, be careful, he then shoved me. So the red wine then went all over my crotch. I was all soaked with red wine all over my crotch, and I had cream slacks on.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:23 What a mess. And I'd check your sofa if I were you, because I'm fairly sure— Well, I'm going to. There were some marks on there.

William Hanson 0:08:28 Well, he's only got himself to blame because he inherits our sofas when we don't want them. So, that's probably his sofa in a couple of years.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:34 Oh, right. You're only keeping it for a couple of years?

William Hanson 0:08:37 No, I'm joking. That one is staying. That'll see us out.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:41 Yeah. So, but from that moment on, I don't have any recollection. But I do remember Izzy, while you were out of the room, Izzy appeared, and she'd been upstairs and taken some photo of herself.

William Hanson 0:08:55 Yeah, which actually, we should just say, She— it was a photo of— I'm sure we can find the photo and pop it on our Patreon or flash it up or whatever.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:03 It was one of her breasts, wasn't it?

William Hanson 0:09:05 Yeah, with her sort of face in it as well. So, quite a close-up sort of photo.

Speaker E 0:09:10 It was a goofy pic.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:11 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:09:12 Yeah.

Speaker E 0:09:12 It wasn't sexy.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:13 But she managed to work out your computer system and printer, and she printed it off.

William Hanson 0:09:18 Well, she said to me, and I stand by this, and that's why I chose this printer, one of the only wireless printers to actually work.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:23 So, she printed The picture. And then I remember sitting on the sofa, and she appeared, and hilariously removed one of your family portraits.

William Hanson 0:09:35 No, it's Princess Margaret.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:36 Oh, it was Princess Margaret! She removed the photo of Princess Margaret from a very executive frame you'd got.

William Hanson 0:09:44 One of the most expensive frames in that house.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:45 And she stuck the photo that she'd just printed off upstairs of her head and her breasts. And then said, let's see if he notices.

William Hanson 0:09:54 And the irony is I didn't. In fact, someone must have taken it out, because the next day I was sent a photo of it in there. And then when I went and looked at the frame, Margaret was back.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:06 Oh, really?

William Hanson 0:10:07 So someone had obviously undone it.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:08 Oh, she panicked, didn't she? She panicked. Well, that was very funny. But from that moment on, I don't recall anything.

William Hanson 0:10:14 No. Well, Sadie brought a lovely bottle as her gift. Rodrigo brought a lovely bottle of a Peruvian pisco. Am I saying that correctly?

Speaker F 0:10:22 Yes.

William Hanson 0:10:23 Yes?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:24 What's that, Rodrigo?

Speaker F 0:10:25 Pisco is based on grapes. It's a—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:28 You mean wine?

William Hanson 0:10:29 No, it's

Speaker F 0:10:32 clear.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:33 Clear.

William Hanson 0:10:34 And it's got a light-up bottom. You press the bottom and the whole bottle lights up.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:38 Oh, that sounds luxury!

William Hanson 0:10:40 Yes!

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:41 Gosh!

William Hanson 0:10:41 It's like being all bar one. You, on the other hand—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:50 Yes? Yes.

William Hanson 0:10:51 Bought Aceve.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:53 An array of Aceves. I bought an Aceve for every occasion.

William Hanson 0:10:57 Yes. Kitchen disinfectant or general disinfectant.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:01 Best for the kitchen though.

William Hanson 0:11:02 Aceve bathroom.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:03 Yes.

William Hanson 0:11:03 Which is lovely.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:04 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:11:04 And an Aceve laundry spritz.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:06 Stain remover.

William Hanson 0:11:07 Which was then used on George's trousers. Because wine was inevitably spilt on George. And there is a photo that if the Daily Mail are listening, I've got. Of Jonathan spritzing George's crotch.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:21 The thing is, as I was spritzing his crotch, I said to him, this might burn, 'cause I'm fairly sure it's got a kind of bleaching agent. And he said, oh, don't worry about that.

William Hanson 0:11:34 He wouldn't feel it.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:34 No. But I am worried that it might have, you know, burnt him. Burnt his bits.

William Hanson 0:11:40 Well, he hasn't lodged a complaint, and he has been texting me, so he's still alive.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:50 Okay, good. Well, it was a very fun party, what I remember.

William Hanson 0:11:53 Well, we're thinking of doing one in the late spring next year.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:57 Oh yeah!

William Hanson 0:12:00 If you want to just clear your liver.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:02 I was gonna say, I'll have to have a run-up at it next time.

William Hanson 0:12:07 It'll hinge on when we redo the kitchen. So we need to sort of work out when that's happening, and then— My gut is, The kitchen might still be rumbling on in late spring, so it might be a bit early.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:18 Right.

William Hanson 0:12:19 So we might stick to the same time of year.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:21 Okay.

William Hanson 0:12:22 But we shall see.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:22 Lovely. Well, I look forward to it.

William Hanson 0:12:24 Thank you very much.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:12 Welcome back, Bucketheads. We're going to read your questions in just a second, but before we do, William, you've got exciting news.

William Hanson 0:14:36 Very exciting news. As people may have seen on social media, I'm going back into Titanic.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:41 You're going back?

William Hanson 0:14:42 Setting sail to sink that ship because it's closing. The show is closing on the 3rd of January. I start on the 10th of November until the 3rd of January. You're closing it? I am closing it.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:54 Wow.

William Hanson 0:14:55 Literally no one else was available.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:56 What an honour this is to be asked to come back.

William Hanson 0:14:59 It is a huge honour. Now, I just want to say, because when I— at time of recording, it was only just announced a few hours ago— whilst I start on the 10th of November, the week after is, of course, Luxury Life in Manchester and in London. Do not panic. Contractually, I will not be performing at the Criterion Theatre in Piccadilly. I will be at the Home Theatre in Manchester.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:21 I should hope so too.

William Hanson 0:15:23 And the Soho Theatre Brackets, Walthamstow, on the Sunday. I'm afraid Titanic will have to cope without me for a couple of days, because I will be— You'll be focusing on luxury. On luxury duty.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:35 Oh, how lovely.

William Hanson 0:15:36 So, there are still just one or two tickets left for London, should you wish to join us.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:40 Yes. And what about tickets for Titanic?

William Hanson 0:15:43 There are quite a lot of tickets for Titanic, because I'm doing 68 shows or something like that.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:51 Oh, William, you're gonna be exhausted.

William Hanson 0:15:54 I will. I'll be honest, I will. I mean, I'm so excited, And I have missed the cast and the show greatly. And I'm going to do— for those that might have seen it before, I should just say I'm going to do something slightly different just to mix it up. But I mean, I'm still doing the script, but you know, my ad-lib, I'll do something different. I did sit on the sofa last night with Mikey, and I just suddenly went, what have I done?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:14 And what have you done?

William Hanson 0:16:16 What have I done?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:17 What have you done?

William Hanson 0:16:17 What have I done? I could have been having lovely evenings at home on my own or with Mikey.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:22 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:16:22 But no, I am looking forward to it. Once it starts, it'll be great.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:25 Well, we all look forward to seeing you, shell of a man, for Luxury Lie.

William Hanson 0:16:31 Also, not— it's not all about me. You were messaging all our Bronze, Silver, and Gold members, weren't you?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:38 Oh yes, it was an evening with JVS on our Patreon Luxury Members Club for a Better Class of Listener.

William Hanson 0:16:44 I'm doing it this weekend at time of recording. What do I need to know?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:48 Oh, they're very nice.

William Hanson 0:16:49 What sort of questions do they ask?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:50 They were very nice. I thought they'd be very probing. But they wanted to know all about cleaning products, which I was, of course, only too happy to impart my knowledge and my advice. They wanted to know what perfume I wear, things like that. So, it was—

William Hanson 0:17:08 Did they ask you about your skin routine or anything? Or are they going to save that for me?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:14 You absolute cow. No, they're going to leave that to you. They're gonna ask how much you inject in that face.

William Hanson 0:17:20 Let's do a competition. Are there more chemicals in Jonathan's cleaning cupboards or William's face?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:29 Be a close-run thing, I think. Yeah. Anyway, we— I enjoyed it very much.

William Hanson 0:17:35 Good.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:35 We'll do another one, I think. Can we do one every month?

Speaker E 0:17:38 Yeah, we will be.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:39 Oh, I think—

William Hanson 0:17:39 Jonathan, you just say the word, you can do one a day.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:41 Oh, well, no. We mustn't overdo it.

William Hanson 0:17:44 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:44 We must— there's only so many luxury questions people have.

William Hanson 0:17:47 True.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:48 Yeah, but I think once a month, we'll give people an opportunity to store it up. If you do want to join our Luxury Members Club, by the way, you can do. Just go to luxurypodcast.co.uk. And by the way, if you ever want to ask us a question for the podcast, send it to postman@luxurypodcast.co.uk. That's the place for your queries and your questions. As William mentioned, Luxury Live coming up very shortly. Manchester completely sold out.

William Hanson 0:18:17 Chock-a-block.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:18 Chock-a-block. But a few tickets left for Soho Theatre in Walthamstow. We know it's a Sunday evening. We know many of you have to work, but we promise we'll make it worthwhile.

William Hanson 0:18:29 We will.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:30 Yes.

William Hanson 0:18:31 This first one is from Claudia. Dear William and Jonathan, I'm interested in hearing your thoughts on robot vacuums. Are they luxury? a bit gimmicky? Many thanks, Claudia from Devon.

William Hanson 0:18:41 I have had one in the past, but I had one of the very first models, and this was sort of back in our flat before— must have been 2018, so quite some time. I have toyed with maybe getting one now because technology has moved on. Where I didn't think it was terrible— we didn't have— well, we did have carpets, but it mainly did the sort of the tiled floor, I then got carried away because I found one that mopped and vacuumed at the same time, and it didn't do either very successfully. I am told now that there are ones— in fact, I've got friends that have got one that have shown me that do both, and the technology is better. But if I were to get one, I would just get the vacuum cleaner, not the mop.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:23 Right. I just think it's all a bit of a gimmick. It's never going to do it as well as you can do it yourself. Is it?

William Hanson 0:19:30 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:30 I think it's probably— it's okay, particularly if you've got pets. It's okay for a kind of daytime tidy-up. If you just want to kind of get the bits off your carpet. But in terms of properly vacuuming and lifting those fibres, leaving some lines, you're never going to get it with a robot vacuum.

William Hanson 0:19:49 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:49 You're not.

William Hanson 0:19:50 No, you're not.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:50 So, I'd rather do it myself.

William Hanson 0:19:51 Have you seen the videos of the cats riding them?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:53 Yes.

William Hanson 0:19:54 Yeah, that's quite funny.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:55 Well, knowing my luck, the way things are going, I get back and find Betty sitting on it.

William Hanson 0:19:59 How is Betty?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:00 Well, not very good actually today.

William Hanson 0:20:02 Oh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:02 Yes.

William Hanson 0:20:02 What's happened to Betty?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:04 Well, Betty is now 16 months old.

William Hanson 0:20:07 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:07 She's been good as gold, this old Betty. Her training's going well. She's developing into a lovely adult dog. Or so I thought.

William Hanson 0:20:17 Oh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:18 She's out of the crate. She's been very trustworthy. I get home today, look what she's done to the skirting boards again.

William Hanson 0:20:26 Oh my God, she's like eaten them.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:27 She's eaten the skirting boards.

William Hanson 0:20:29 Now, is that as you go through from the dining room to the kitchen?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:32 that's in my utility room. She's eaten the skirting boards, William. So, my question to you—

William Hanson 0:20:37 So, you're putting it down?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:38 Well, my question to you, do you want to buy a dog?

William Hanson 0:20:44 No, don't say that to my husband because he'd bite your hand off.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:47 Literally. Oh, God. Yeah. So, um—

William Hanson 0:20:51 Maybe if we ever were going to get a dog, you can do all the training for us.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:55 No!

William Hanson 0:20:56 And then at 16 months, Then we'll take it off you.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:59 Right, once it's destroyed all of my skirting boards. I mean, she's been out of the crate for 3 months, William. She's been good as gold, not a foot wrong, and suddenly today—

William Hanson 0:21:11 It's a cry for attention.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:12 Well, it is a cry for attention, but I don't know why, because she had a gorgeous walk yesterday. I did extensive training with her this morning. I was out there at 6 o'clock throwing a blooming dummy for her in the garden. Doing searches with her, tiring that little brain out. 6 o'clock in the morning. And hers. Pitch black it was. And then she decides to repay me by destroying the skirting boards. Anyway, Fabio's been in touch.

William Hanson 0:21:38 Oh yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:39 Gentlemen, I'm getting married soon. Ooh. And I'm currently going through the process of organising my stag do.

William Hanson 0:21:47 Oh, really?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:48 Something I find rather common and distinctly un-luxury. But which unfortunately I appear to be forced to do. I've already won my battle against the ghastly concept of a stag weekend. It will be just a Saturday, and later that day we'll be joining my fiancée's hen do for a sten party. Sten— a sten party.

William Hanson 0:22:11 Stag and hen?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:12 Oh. Gentlemen, my question is this: how can I make this party luxury or at the very least, as uncommon as possible. Keep up the good work. Yours sincerely, Fabio, an Italian living in Vienna.

William Hanson 0:22:26 Oh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:27 Oh.

William Hanson 0:22:27 Well, don't do it.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:29 I was gonna say, I'm not sure you can.

William Hanson 0:22:32 Or just do a drinks party. That's all you need to do. Don't start doing activities.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:37 No.

William Hanson 0:22:38 Don't think about paintballing.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:39 No inflatable penii.

William Hanson 0:22:47 No, nothing like that. Just do a drinks party with some tasty little morsels.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:52 And meeting up with the hens for a sten party?

William Hanson 0:22:57 Please.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:58 That is absolutely disgusting. We're sorry, that was a bit rude. Well, it was a little bit

William Hanson 0:23:09 direct, yes, but

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:11 What a horrible idea! Ugh! Do you want to do Harry's?

William Hanson 0:23:17 Yes. Dear Jonathan and William, in September I shall begin my first job as a fully qualified teacher, and I find myself confronted with one of the great unanswered questions of modern professional life: school uniform. Students are issued with a meticulous document specifying precisely how they are expected to appear each morning: collared shirt, branded tie, navy blazer, and black leather shoes. Teachers, rather surprisingly, are afforded no such guidance. We are simply instructed to dress smartly and professionally, a phrase so wonderfully vague that it leaves the door open to almost anything.

William Hanson 0:23:48 I remember my own teachers appearing in everything from gleaming business suits to tweed jackets complete with elbow patches. Now, as I prepare to stand at the front of the classroom, I'm wondering where exactly a male English teacher ought to position himself on the sartorial spectrum. So my question is this: what is the most luxurious and executive way for a male English teacher to dress without looking like he is about to sell someone a derivatives portfolio? Warmest regards, Silver member, Harry. Yeah, I think all my teachers generally wore— they wore ties, but I think they were generally jackets and smart trousers rather than suits.

William Hanson 0:24:19 Yeah. Some wore suits. The headmaster wore suits. Management wore suits. And they all— or my teachers wear a suit on sort of Sundays or important days, as it were.

William Hanson 0:24:30 But I think generally they wore sort of, yeah, some sort of sports coat and smart trousers. What? Don't laugh at that. What did they wear in Harpenden?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:42 Well, I'm just thinking back to my— I mean, this is obviously the difference between state school and private school. My teachers, well, depending on who they were, they either wore badly fitted tweed suits with kind of tie over here, I would say the smarter teachers, the men, would wear maybe a pair of chinos and a shirt.

William Hanson 0:25:08 Okay, fine.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:09 A slightly open shirt.

William Hanson 0:25:10 No tie?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:11 No.

William Hanson 0:25:12 Oh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:12 The teachers that wore the ties, to my recollection, were the slightly odd ones.

William Hanson 0:25:17 Oh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:17 Yeah. Slightly odd.

William Hanson 0:25:19 No, all teachers, all male teachers wore ties. But I would also say whatever you choose to wear, you've got to look authoritative because you've got to get that authority from the start.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:27 Oh, yeah.

William Hanson 0:25:28 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:28 Yeah. Well, I think in this day and age, my view, if I was a teacher now going to a class, I'd wear—

William Hanson 0:25:36 Power dress.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:37 I'd wear stakery action slacks.

William Hanson 0:25:40 Of course you would.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:40 I'd wear some brown suede brogues. I'd wear a light blue shirt, unbuttoned slightly, and maybe a blue jacket. Just—

William Hanson 0:25:51 No tie?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:52 No, but maybe a pocket square. Just for a little bit of colour pop. Yeah, I think that— and that kind of says, I'm approachable, but I'm also expecting a level of respect from you, please. I think that's kind of a nice halfway house. What would you wear?

William Hanson 0:26:12 Suit.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:13 You'd go for the whole suit?

William Hanson 0:26:14 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:15 Right.

William Hanson 0:26:15 Tall stripe. Just saying, just, you know, again, power dress.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:18 Cane in your hand.

William Hanson 0:26:21 Well, that's illegal now. That's illegal.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:24 Oh.

William Hanson 0:26:24 I don't think they— I know it wasn't when you were at school, but— well, it wasn't! You said that it was only the other day, it had only just gone out.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:30 It had only just gone out. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is a shame, really.

William Hanson 0:26:35 Great shame.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:35 'Cause when I was at school, a few of the kids could have done with a damn good thrashing. They really could. Anonymous has been in touch. Dear Jonathan and William, I've been a firefighter for almost 20 years, and particularly in my younger days, wearing the uniform seemed to provoke a rather remarkable response from certain members of the public. Whether attending incidents or more commonly when someone discovered my occupation while I was frequenting the delights of Leeds, inappropriate comments and unsolicited propositions were not exactly uncommon.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:11 Which got me wondering, do uniforms still have the same effect on people that they once did? Do nurses, police officers, firefighters, and our friends in the armed forces still benefit from the allure of the uniform, or has some of the mystique disappeared? And perhaps more importantly, which profession has the most attractive uniform? Yours in gracious living, Anonymous.

William Hanson 0:27:36 Yeah, I think if it's nice, Nurses' uniforms don't do anything for me.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:44 Oh no, nurses' uniforms now are horrible.

William Hanson 0:27:47 Actually, anything medical, even doctors' uniforms don't really do much. I bet a white lab coat— I mean, not many doctors really wear those now either.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:54 No, no. Doctors wear chinos, shirt, stethoscope.

William Hanson 0:27:59 Yeah, that's it.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:00 Yeah, exactly.

William Hanson 0:28:01 Yeah, stick a stethoscope around what you're wearing today, you're a doctor.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:05 Could be.

William Hanson 0:28:06 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:06 Dr. JVS.

William Hanson 0:28:07 Dr. JVS.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:08 I'll give you the once-over.

William Hanson 0:28:09 In terms of uniforms that are lovely.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:13 I mean, I think certain army uniforms—

William Hanson 0:28:15 Well, they know how to do a uniform, don't they?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:17 They do, yeah. I think that could—

William Hanson 0:28:19 Any military, we should just broaden that out, not just army.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:21 Well, I don't know, the Navy can look a bit silly, can't they? Do you know what I mean?

William Hanson 0:28:25 The RAF look nice.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:31 The RAF look very nice, but the Navy look a bit silly, don't they?

William Hanson 0:28:34 They can do.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:35 You know, standing there with their little hats on.

William Hanson 0:28:38 Camp though.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:39 Camp. Yeah.

William Hanson 0:28:42 I like a uniform that looks non-threatening. Smart, but non-threatening. And I think naval uniforms look smart, but non-threatening.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:50 Oh. Whereas I like, as you know, very threatening uniforms.

William Hanson 0:28:55 You do.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:55 I like armed police uniforms.

William Hanson 0:28:58 Balaclavas.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:59 I like— well, with a balaclava or without, but I do like them to be fully tooled up. And I like if you've got military people, I like it when they wear those helmets with a special thing with an infrared laser on the front so that they can see in the dark to kill you. I like that. You know when they—

William Hanson 0:29:23 Have you ever considered therapy?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:26 You know when they killed old Osama bin Laden.

William Hanson 0:29:33 Oh, him. He was blue.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:35 And they landed in the garden in a helicopter, and all these kind of American troops got out, and they'd all got those kind of infrared things. I like all of that.

William Hanson 0:29:45 You like that? Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:45 Yeah, I do. I like that. I like, I like uniforms that look dangerous. Yeah. And terrifying. That's my kind of uniform.

William Hanson 0:29:52 How about a firefighter's uniform, as mentioned here?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:55 Well, Yeah, it can look okay.

William Hanson 0:30:00 Do they still wear the big yellow helmets? No, do they?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:04 Only if you ask nicely.

William Hanson 0:30:06 No, in all seriousness, do they? You know, the really old, like the Fireman Sam type?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:11 No, they don't wear yellow. I don't think so.

Speaker E 0:30:14 I think so.

William Hanson 0:30:15 They must wear some sort of—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:16 A yellow helmet?

William Hanson 0:30:17 Head protection.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:18 I'm going to look it up. Images. Oh yes, look at his yellow helmet.

William Hanson 0:30:24 Oh yes, they're not quite— oh, I don't like that colour. I like it when it's a darker colour.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:28 Oh, he's got a black helmet. I like a black helmet.

William Hanson 0:30:31 I'm going to say this now. God forbid, I don't want anything to happen to our house, but God forbid anything does happen, I only want to be rescued by a fireman in a yellow helmet.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:40 Okay.

William Hanson 0:30:41 I will wait if it's a red helmet.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:44 We will alert the London Fire Brigade.

William Hanson 0:30:47 Please do.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:47 Well, I think that's more than enough luxury for this episode. We'll leave it there for now. Of course, we will be back on Wednesday. Wednesday of next week for one of our main episodes. Do we know what we're talking about?

Speaker E 0:30:57 We're talking about schedules and calendars.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:59 Schedules, or is it schedules?

William Hanson 0:31:01 Oh, we'll find out.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:03 Yes, but until then, goodbye!