Beef Curtains and University Accommodations

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:01:11 Hello and welcome to The Luxury Podcast. My name's Jonathan Vernon-Smith. With me is William Hanson. This is the podcast that helps you live a more luxury life.

William Hanson 0:01:24 Hello, Jonathan and I here to help you create the everyday moments of luxury that make life worth living. Whatever your budget.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:01:30 So, welcome to another bonus episode of The Luxury Podcast, where William and I will trade stories and tips from our own luxury lifestyles, as well as delving into our lovely great big mail sacks. William, have you had a fantastic week?

William Hanson 0:01:43 I've had a fantastic week, thank you very much. And I did that trick that you said, uh, to do. I can't remember what it was. Was it a radiator? But you said, oh, just did it not get taken by the iron— what are the iron people? The rag and bone man.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:01:58 Rag and bone man.

William Hanson 0:01:59 Yeah. And I

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:01:59 said, leave it out the front.

William Hanson 0:02:00 And actually, when Silicon Sean was coming around to put our new boiler system in a few months ago, overnight he left the old boiler outside— gone. Literally overnight.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:09 Yeah, would do.

William Hanson 0:02:10 Anyway, so Mike is having his study refurbished, and so his old radiator came out, and I said, I'll take it to the tip. I booked my visit to the tip, but I booked it a week later, so I didn't put it on the street because I don't want to look like we live at Onslow and Daisies. I wanted just— I put it inside our front property. But sort of visible.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:29 Oh, at a jaunty angle.

William Hanson 0:02:31 And it didn't go for days.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:33 No, it wouldn't.

William Hanson 0:02:34 And then it went.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:36 Oh, really?

William Hanson 0:02:37 Saved me a trip to the tip. I was delighted.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:39 Well done, you. Well done. You cancelled your visit.

William Hanson 0:02:43 I did, yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:44 Do you get a restriction on your tip visits where you live?

William Hanson 0:02:47 I think we get 2 a month.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:48 Do you?

William Hanson 0:02:49 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:50 Oh, I can go as many times as I want.

William Hanson 0:02:52 Per person. So, Mikey could go twice and I can go twice.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:56 Do you like the people at your tip?

William Hanson 0:02:58 I don't really talk to them.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:00 Oh.

William Hanson 0:03:00 They don't really talk to us.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:01 There's a man at my tip that I can't stand. I can't stand him. He's worked there for years, and he's such an angry man. He shouts. He stands at the top of the steps and he shouts at you. I once had a blazing row with him.

William Hanson 0:03:17 Why? Why? What had you done wrong?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:19 I was trying to get rid of carpet. arrived with a trailer. Apparently you can't do that.

William Hanson 0:03:23 You can't arrive with a trailer?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:24 No. Well, you couldn't at the time.

William Hanson 0:03:26 Oh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:26 No. And

William Hanson 0:03:27 do you have to book a slot, or do you just turn up?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:29 No, no, you don't. You register your vehicle.

William Hanson 0:03:32 Oh, no, we have to book a slot.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:34 No, you register when, when you're a Hertfordshire resident. You register that you're a Hertfordshire resident, and you can then go to the tip.

William Hanson 0:03:42 Oh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:43 You see?

William Hanson 0:03:43 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:44 They ask you for some evidence.

William Hanson 0:03:45 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:46 And then you send the evidence, and they do say, you know, by the way, we might ask to see it when you turn up, and you put your address in, and then you can just go to the tip.

William Hanson 0:03:56 And you turn up with your evidence?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:58 Well, my driving licence.

William Hanson 0:04:00 Oh, okay. It's

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:01 got my address on it, you see, so that's what I use.

William Hanson 0:04:03 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:04 But I've never been asked for it.

William Hanson 0:04:05 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:06 But it's very, very good, apart from this man who shouts at you.

William Hanson 0:04:09 Oh no, they're all right. The interaction— the limited interaction I've had with them.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:13 Oh, that's good. They're

William Hanson 0:04:14 absolutely fine.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:14 That's nice. Very good. Good to get on with people at the tip.

William Hanson 0:04:18 Exactly. Yes. So, and now I'm going to see you twice this week. In fact, I've seen a lot of you. I saw you for our lovely lunch a few weeks ago now. Yeah. And I've seen you today.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:30 Aren't you lucky?

William Hanson 0:04:31 And I'm seeing you tomorrow.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:32 Tomorrow?

William Hanson 0:04:33 For an executive alfresco evening by the pool.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:36 We are going for an alfresco evening by the pool.

William Hanson 0:04:39 And we're bringing— it's some sort of scheme. We're bringing Laura and Liz.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:46 Producer Laura, Producer Liz from my radio show.

William Hanson 0:04:49 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:49 We're taking them out on the town.

William Hanson 0:04:51 They have never been to London, so they are coming in to look at the Big Smoke. And I hear they're very excited.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:58 They are, yes. Producer Laura's bought a new outfit.

William Hanson 0:05:02 Has she?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:03 Yes, she was worried because she said—

William Hanson 0:05:05 Is it leggings?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:05 She's either got leggings—

William Hanson 0:05:07 Oh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:08 or she's got luxury outfits. And where we're going, it's kind of in the middle, isn't it? Yeah. Wouldn't you say?

William Hanson 0:05:16 Yeah, it's not overly fancy, but I wouldn't wear leggings. No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:20 No.

William Hanson 0:05:21 I mean, I wouldn't wear leggings at all.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:22 That middle ground.

William Hanson 0:05:22 Yes. Do we know— have we seen a picture of it?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:25 No, I don't know what she's wearing. I think jeans. Perfect. She's wearing jeans and a top. She said it's a top. I don't mean— I don't really—

William Hanson 0:05:33 I'm glad she's got one.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:33 Don't really know what a top is for women. I think

William Hanson 0:05:41 it's called a husband. Not always, but you know. All right, and what's Liz gonna turn up in?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:54 I think the same.

William Hanson 0:05:56 Exactly the same?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:57 Jeans and a top.

William Hanson 0:06:05 What? There will never have been so many tops around that pool.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:07 So, I'm really looking forward to it. It's gonna be nice.

William Hanson 0:06:20 Now, what do I—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:21 Producer Laura's drinking. She's best with drink.

William Hanson 0:06:24 Okay. Is Liz drinking?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:26 No.

William Hanson 0:06:26 Oh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:27 She's driving. She doesn't need the drink, Liz. But Laura, like myself—

William Hanson 0:06:33 Is she dull sober?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:34 She— well, no, she's not dull sober, but she does love a drink. And you do get the best out of her on a drink.

William Hanson 0:06:39 Can I say one word? I'm gonna guess her drink.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:41 Go on.

William Hanson 0:06:41 Prosecco.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:42 Yeah, but she actually prefers champagne.

William Hanson 0:06:52 Oh, do you? Oh!

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:53 Yeah, she likes her champers.

William Hanson 0:06:55 Luckily, this episode goes out afterwards.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:57 Yeah, no, she does like champers. Yeah.

William Hanson 0:07:03 Yeah. Okay, well, she can have that.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:04 Oh yeah. Yeah. She likes some champers, uh, red wine. She loves a Malbec. Great. And she loves a Prosecco.

William Hanson 0:07:11 Yeah. Nice.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:12 Whereas Liz is a gin and tonic kind of gal.

William Hanson 0:07:15 Nice. Will she have one drink if she's going?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:17 Probably, yeah. She'll have one. Yeah. Early on in the evening.

William Hanson 0:07:19 Nice. Yeah. Now, what do I— now, I obviously, I know Laura and Liz. I've met them a few times before.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:24 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:07:25 But I've never socialised with them like this.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:27 Have you not?

William Hanson 0:07:28 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:28 Oh, right.

William Hanson 0:07:29 They came to Luxury Life.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:31 They did, in the church. Yeah,

William Hanson 0:07:33 yeah. And I met— did I meet one of them when I came and did Treasure Quest? No, I don't think I— oh, I met Liz.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:39 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:07:40 When I did Treasure Quest. Laura's— they've both phoned me numerous times back in the day to come on your show.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:47 Yeah. So, would it make you feel more comfortable if they spoke to you in kind of producer tones, as if they're booking you to appear on my programme?

William Hanson 0:07:56 Yeah, no, but what do I need to know? Any topics to talk about, not talk about?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:01 Well, they both

William Hanson 0:08:04 We can talk about our kids.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:05 They're— yeah, they talk about their children quite a lot. Um, they are both in their 40s but look very good on it. Very, very good.

William Hanson 0:08:16 Good.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:17 Um, yeah, don't worry about it. They're very easy to talk to.

William Hanson 0:08:21 Okay, great.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:21 We'll have a lovely time.

William Hanson 0:08:22 Lovely. And do they have any dietary requirements? Do I need to alert the restaurant?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:26 No, they don't have any dietary requirements. They're very easy. Oh no, Laura doesn't eat meat.

William Hanson 0:08:31 Oh, so it's called vegetarian?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:33 No, because she eats fish.

William Hanson 0:08:34 Oh, pescatarian.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:35 She does not mind about the cruelty to fish, but she will not tolerate it when it comes to animals.

William Hanson 0:08:40 Oh, okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:42 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:08:43 Oh, talking of eating, my husband's just replied.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:46 Honestly?

William Hanson 0:08:47 No, I had texted him saying, shall we have an— because we were talking about bread.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:51 Are you allowed a curry?

William Hanson 0:08:52 He's just replied, yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:53 Oh, he's easy, isn't he? Yeah. Gosh, he cracked just like that.

William Hanson 0:09:05 Yeah, knew he would.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:06 Really? Oh, wow. Anyway, so yes, I'm very much looking forward to this. It's gonna be a very nice evening.

William Hanson 0:09:14 Dare I ask, what are you wearing?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:16 I will be wearing, just for a change, probably some stokely's action slacks.

William Hanson 0:09:22 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:23 And a manly polo.

William Hanson 0:09:24 Lovely. What colour? 'Cause you're in a lovely pink polo. It's hard to know where your face…

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:28 I'm pleased you brought up—

William Hanson 0:09:30 And the muff starts.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:31 My, um, my coral top.

William Hanson 0:09:34 Coral.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:35 I'm wearing— this is coral, and I do blend with the muff.

William Hanson 0:09:38 You do?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:39 Yes.

William Hanson 0:09:39 First time for everything.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:41 What with my red face, my top, and my muff, I was worried that I was just going to disappear into the set today.

William Hanson 0:09:54 Thank God we've got that lilac curtain behind you. Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:59 Do you like it?

William Hanson 0:10:00 No, it's— yeah, it's nice.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:01 Yeah. It took you quite a long time to get to the word nice in that little sentence.

William Hanson 0:10:06 Yeah, it's good.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:07 You like it?

William Hanson 0:10:07 Yeah, I don't know if that colour would work on me.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:09 Why not?

William Hanson 0:10:10 But it works on you.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:12 Do you want to try it?

William Hanson 0:10:12 No, thank you.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:14 Get behind there. Hey, let's do a swap.

William Hanson 0:10:17 We'll do it for Silver and Gold members. That's the only time Bronze members will be grateful. They're on the lower tier.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:26 Oh, there's nothing wrong with my moobs.

William Hanson 0:10:29 Moobs be moobing.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:35 Oh, do you know what? It's good to have a laugh. I've had a bit of a stressful week.

William Hanson 0:10:38 Have you?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:38 Yeah, I've sprung a leak. I've sprung a leak.

William Hanson 0:10:42 From a moob?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:42 In my towel rail.

William Hanson 0:10:44 Oh no. Upstairs or downstairs?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:46 Downstairs. Went into the bathroom the other day downstairs, and I trod in water. And I'll be honest, it happened before you came over. Did you not see my trough? No. You were on the way over, and I trod in water, and I thought to start with, there's been a terrible accident, but then I realised that it was dripping from my towel rail valve.

William Hanson 0:11:16 Oh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:16 So, I messaged Silicon Sean.

William Hanson 0:11:19 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:19 the most executive plumber to and above British standards in Hertfordshire.

William Hanson 0:11:24 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:24 And, uh, I said to him—

William Hanson 0:11:26 And, and select parts of London.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:27 And select parts of London. And I said, Sean, I've sprung a leak. And, um, he sprung back into action straight away.

William Hanson 0:11:37 Oh,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:37 very, very—

William Hanson 0:11:38 even on a Sunday?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:39 Yeah, yeah, it's very, very professional. And I told him actually during the conversation— I'm just trying to find it now on my phone— I did tell him that you were on your way over. And I said, um, you know, that ultimately I, I needed him to come and sort things out.

William Hanson 0:11:54 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:55 And, um, he's— I said, William's coming for a roast, roast beef on the kamado. And, uh, he said that he'd just been to Fortnum& Mason.

William Hanson 0:12:07 Well done, Sean.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:07 And he bought some ketchup and brown sauce and a top-up of your luxury biscuits you gave him.

William Hanson 0:12:12 The best biscuits ever.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:13 Yeah, that's very nice. So ultimately, he's coming around to sort my leak out, but I don't know when.

William Hanson 0:12:20 So what have you done in the meantime?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:21 Got a trough under it.

William Hanson 0:12:23 Really?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:25 Yes, collecting it with a trough.

William Hanson 0:12:26 How often do you have to empty your tank?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:28 No, not that often, but I'm using the same pot because— did I tell you Poppy had a urine infection? Did we talk about Poppy's urine infection?

William Hanson 0:12:37 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:37 Did we not? She had a urine infection. I took her to the vet, and the vet said, I need a sample. Now, have you ever tried to collect a sample from a Labrador bitch?

William Hanson 0:12:46 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:47 Well, I thought, how do I do this? And then I thought, do you know what? A Chinese takeaway pot. So my dog, um, she goes— both of my dogs, they go for a wee on command. I taught them this from a young age. I better say it quietly in case they're listening to the podcast because I don't want them to suddenly do it all over my floor. But if I say,

William Hanson 0:13:10 Quick quick.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:10 No, don't say it. If I say quick quick,

William Hanson 0:13:14 quick quick,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:15 quick quick,

William Hanson 0:13:16 quick quick,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:16 you have to— sometimes you have to say it a few times. Quick quick, come on, quick quick, quick quick, be a good girl, quick quick. I said quick quick, and your

William Hanson 0:13:23 floor's covered,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:24 and they both squat down and they'll do a wee. So I said to Poppy, and bless her heart because she wasn't feeling very well, and I took her outside and I said, Poppy, do a quick quick, and straight away she did it. I slid the little trough underneath her And I collected the most fantastic sample.

William Hanson 0:13:39 Oh, I don't like all this.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:41 It was a very good hearty sample, and I was able to then decant it into the little tube they gave me, pop it off to the vets, and they analysed it to and above British standards.

William Hanson 0:13:53 And she has a urine infection.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:55 Full of bacteria.

William Hanson 0:13:56 Oh, how do dogs get a urine infection?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:58 I don't really know, but she's been on tablets.

William Hanson 0:14:01 And is she better?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:02 She's much better now.

William Hanson 0:14:03 She was in a very, very buoyant mood.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:05 Yes. Because she was midway through her antibiotics when you came over. Okay, nice. No, she's good. But I'm using the same trough to collect the water.

William Hanson 0:14:13 I presume you've washed it.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:15 I have run it under the tap. Yeah, yeah.

William Hanson 0:14:18 I think you've done more than run it under the tap.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:19 No, I did, I did. Yeah, yeah. I, I, and I put it through the hot wash on the dishwasher.

William Hanson 0:14:22 Great.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:23 And then I'm using the same one to collect my water.

William Hanson 0:14:26 Oh, I've just been— you're talking of water, um, at great expense, it was pointed out to me, I have bought some distilled water. from a popular online shopping website because on my chair, my old armchair that I used to have in the sitting room, but now since we moved is in my study and sort of sits there for my reading chair when I'm just considering things and reading.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:48 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:14:48 Uh, it had got— when I— when we— not long after we moved in, I was wiping down the shelves after Karen the carpenter had put in the bookshelves, and I put a damp cloth and I just dropped— I mean, what an idiot. I dropped it on the seat and left it there for half an hour. So, a great big— in fact, several watermarks developed on this grey upholstery.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:09 Oh, William.

William Hanson 0:15:10 And it looked a bit suspicious, I'll be honest.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:14 Pond Court, eat your heart out.

William Hanson 0:15:15 It's not that suspicious. It was different suspicious, but it didn't— it was a little white sort of watermark.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:22 Oh.

William Hanson 0:15:23 And so, I thought, how can I get rid of that? Because I could get the chair reupholstered, but that's quite

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:27 That literally went through your mind? I'm going to have to get the chair reupholstered?

William Hanson 0:15:31 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:32 Why didn't you invite me down with my Henry wash?

William Hanson 0:15:34 Oh, actually, that's a good idea.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:36 Yeah, just give it a going over.

William Hanson 0:15:38 So, I bought— I did some research, and it said try first some distilled water in a spray bottle, do it over the whole panel, and then sort of wipe. Don't spot clean.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:50 Ah.

William Hanson 0:15:50 And then daub with a wet cloth. I've had to— it said you might need to do it several times. I did. And then just to continue, sort of just to finish it off, spot of Fairy Liquid in there as well. Squirt, squirt, squirt. And that has— I mean, I did it just before I came here, so I need to go and check, but it's definitely softened it to the point where it doesn't need to be reupholstered.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:14 Oh, good.

William Hanson 0:16:15 But maybe the next time, either my carpet cleaners, or once they've done the headboard, they can come and Yeah, just get the

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:22 micro— microsplitter spritz. Just rub it in and then use the old, um, you know.

William Hanson 0:16:29 Now, where do I get a microsplitter?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:30 I've got one.

William Hanson 0:16:31 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:31 Yeah, I can pop down with my, um— or I can send you a link.

William Hanson 0:16:34 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:35 I'll send you a link. You can spritz it yourself.

William Hanson 0:16:37 But I don't have a Henry wash, so what could I do? I just use a cloth.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:40 Borrow mine.

William Hanson 0:16:40 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:41 Yeah, you can have mine.

William Hanson 0:16:42 Okay, thank you.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:43 Okay.

William Hanson 0:16:43 You could do it at the party.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:44 Oh gosh.

William Hanson 0:16:45 I could send you upstairs.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:47 I could, yeah, I'll come round. Yes, do so. I could do your headboard as well.

William Hanson 0:16:50 No canapés for you until—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:52 Until you've got that stainings gone.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:50 Welcome back, Bucketheads. We're going to read your questions now, so let's dive into our heaving bags of post. Remember, if there's something on your mind that needs a luxury touch, postman@luxurypodcast.co.uk is the place for your queries and your questions. And a reminder, you can watch these episodes on Patreon if you join our Luxury Members Club. Just head to luxurypodcast.co.uk.

William Hanson 0:19:30 This first one is from Lee. Hello, William and Jonathan. I will soon be moving out for the first time and into university halls for my art degree. Er. As a—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:42 I'm not quite sure why I made that noise.

William Hanson 0:19:46 As a spoiled only child, I of course chose the luxury en suite, though I worry that without my 2 personal butlers, I may fail to keep up my luxury habits. I worry when I succumb to late evening pot noodles. Can I keep my luxury ensuite up to and above British standards? Will my flatmates bludgeon me to death with my electric guitar? Lee, you're an interesting character. Art degree with an electric guitar, but you do you. What are your best tips for remaining sophisticated as a new university student? Kindest regards, Lee. Have you ever seen— I'll do it We should do this. We should pop it on the TV when I find it. I did, for Channel M, which was a local television network in Manchester, I did a tour of my university halls in my first year.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:38 Did you?

William Hanson 0:20:39 I did, yes. In fact, I don't actually know if it was actually my university halls or if it was my friend Amy's because they were more interesting to film in, but I did it, and I'm, um, It's character.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:51 You were a character. Yeah. Right.

William Hanson 0:20:54 And they interviewed my friends and whatever, but I was— I'm there in a lovely jacket and some corduroy trousers.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:01 Oh, nice. Yeah, nice. I'm not sure that my university halls were remotely sophisticated.

William Hanson 0:21:09 No, I don't know if you can do— Lee, you've got to go with what you can work with, and I don't know if they are going to be No, I don't think you

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:18 could— you can really do that much with it. I mean, my— this was many years ago. My halls of residence, um, were really horrible, actually. They were really horrible, very old. And I was in the smoking halls of residence, so everyone could smoke.

William Hanson 0:21:33 Is that because you had your pipe?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:35 Uh, no, I smoked cigarettes then. Um, but ev— everywhere you looked, there was just people smoking.

William Hanson 0:21:42 Oh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:43 And, um, everything stank of smoke. We used to sit outside the doors of our, our rooms and smoke in the corridors. And oh, it's really horrible.

William Hanson 0:21:53 Does that sort of appal you now?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:54 Oh, absolutely appals me. And to think how my halls of residence were as well. And we had these kind of shared bathrooms. I didn't have an ensuite in my room.

William Hanson 0:22:05 I

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:05 had this kind of shared bathroom. And it was— imagine the worst horrible old toilets at school. It was like a block of that with, uh, 2 or 3 baths with a shower over the top, and it was always filthy dirty, and you just had to kind of go in there and hope for the best. Oh, I can't believe I did it. It was so horrible.

William Hanson 0:22:26 I'm thinking about the showers at my university halls. Absolutely grim. And I remember I got my flat in the Easter holidays at the end of first year, and I remember thinking, because this is my flat for sort of year 2 onwards. I thought, oh no, I'll do a night in the flat, I'll do a night at halls. Never went back to halls.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:45 No, you wouldn't. No, I did one.

William Hanson 0:22:47 Who was I kidding?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:48 I did a year in the halls of residence, and, um, oh my God, I couldn't wait to get out. It's awful. I'll never forget the moment my parents took me for my first day at university. Imagine. And we turned up in the Mercedes, and, um, my mum kind of helped me set my room up and get it all nice and make my bed and everything. And then they said, um, they said cheerio, and they kind of went and they shut the door. And I sat in this room and it was really horrible. It was so horrible. It was like a prison. And I looked around and I thought, I want to go back to Harpenden.

William Hanson 0:23:29 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:30 Thankfully they didn't have a mobile phone, otherwise I probably would have phoned them.

William Hanson 0:23:39 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:39 And said, come back and get me. You know, they had to drive all the way home. But I remember really that first day just thinking, this is awful. I'm just— I've arrived in hell.

William Hanson 0:23:49 They've torn down my halls of residence now.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:52 Oh,

William Hanson 0:23:53 many years ago. Not long after I left. Horrid. Really? I mean, they were— I don't know how they were still going when we were in there.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:00 Oh,

William Hanson 0:24:01 but have a nice time, Lee.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:02 Best days of your life.

William Hanson 0:24:05 Yeah, you'll make lots of lovely friends. Put some nice posters up on the wall.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:09 Lou has been in touch, says, dear Juicy Jonathan and Wonderful William. What is a luxury way to name the meal in the middle of the day and the meal in the evening? I grew up in Birmingham and we called it dinner in the middle of the day. Common. And tea at the end of the day.

William Hanson 0:24:33 Common.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:35 Now I live in Devon, I like to call it lunch and supper because I feel supper is always clear as a, as a late or last meal of the day. What are your choices of naming meals during the day and the evening? I feel dinner and tea is common, and lunch and supper is a bit more luxury. Love, Lou from Barnstaple.

William Hanson 0:24:56 And she's put 5 kisses.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:57 That's very, very nice.

William Hanson 0:25:00 I, yeah, breakfast, lunch, dinner, supper if it's casual.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:05 Yes, or supper if it's a light dinner.

William Hanson 0:25:09 Yes,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:09 if it's a boiled egg and soldiers, supper.

William Hanson 0:25:11 Cheese on toast.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:12 Cheese on toast.

William Hanson 0:25:13 Historically, supper followed dinner, and you would have it maybe after the theatre or opera, and it was much, almost more, not as substantial as dinner, but it was— I mean, now we know that you just don't eat so close to going to bed, but times were different. Now, supper, dinner, interchangeable. But dinner, if I said to you, come for dinner,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:31 yeah,

William Hanson 0:25:32 probably a bit more formal. Come for supper, a bit more casual.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:36 Yeah,

William Hanson 0:25:36 that's what I'd say.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:36 Yeah, quite. I think tea, I mean, for me, tea is now a cup of tea

William Hanson 0:25:42 or a scone,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:42 or a scone. Um, but I think with— I would still use tea with a child.

William Hanson 0:25:49 Yes, you know, what would you like for tea?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:51 I think because children eat kind of early, don't they?

William Hanson 0:25:54 But also, I think maybe there might be a bit of a class thing or historical class thing in that the nanny would have said, for the children's tea, and of course nannies might have been from the north, and so thus tea became sort of slightly infantile.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:08 I would say to my nephew, if he was coming over, I would say, what would you like for tea today? And I mean dinner.

William Hanson 0:26:16 Yes, you're not going to serve him a lapsang.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:18 No, no, exactly.

William Hanson 0:26:24 This is from Matthew and Alice. Dear William and Jonathan, my partner and I were recently enjoying a discreet yet luxury birthday dinner at a restaurant in Smithfield, London, known for its nose-to-tail dining, the sort of establishment where beef curtains might actually be on the menu. Well, it was your birthday. There were simply too many tempting morsels from which to choose, and so we found ourselves wondering about the etiquette of sharing food. Take, for example, my selection of faggots.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:52 Oh,

William Hanson 0:26:53 now you're talking our language. Is it permissible to offer a faggot to a friend? What about my partner's bit of old mutton? And at what point does generosity become vulgarity? I fear that saying, can I tempt you to a faggot, across a candlelit dining table may attract precisely the sort of attention one is paying a considerable sum to avoid. There is also the question of reciprocity. If I split my dish, am I entitled to go half, on their beef curtains in return? We feel this is precisely the sort of important etiquette question the Luxury Podcast exists to settle, so we'd appreciate your advice. With many thanks for your help, Matthew and Alice. Yeah, sharing food depends what sort of establishment you are in. Generally, in very formal dining, we don't share food.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:35 I don't like sharing food, full stop. I'm not angry about it.

William Hanson 0:27:39 But if

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:39 it's

William Hanson 0:27:40 like, I've got a Beef Wellington, let's say, my favourite sort of dish, Well, second, and it's coming to an end, and I'm thinking like, well, I can't eat any more of this. I've, you know, I've hit my limit. And then it's going spare, for example, rather than going to waste. And let's say you wanted to, rather than passing over— never pass over your own plate. Don't also then sort of skewer onto your fork or my fork and then pass it over with all the beef dripping.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:08 Because you'll drop it, and it will flop on the table.

William Hanson 0:28:11 If you've got a bread plate or ask for a small plate, you then portion it off or place it on the plate and then pass the plate. That is how you share food.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:19 Oh God, look at you.

William Hanson 0:28:21 Not— it's correct again.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:23 Would you, um, would you prefer to share beef curtains or faggots?

William Hanson 0:28:28 Oh, faggots.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:29 Have you ever had a faggot?

William Hanson 0:28:32 Well, not today. Actually, what is a faggot?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:38 I'm not really sure. I think it's a kind of offal thing, isn't it?

William Hanson 0:28:43 Oh, it sounds awful.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:43 Yeah.

Speaker G 0:28:44 Doesn't it look a bit like a meatball?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:45 Yeah, yeah, I think so. But I like beef curtains. Sounds really tasty.

William Hanson 0:28:51 A savoury meatball. Never thought you'd say that. It's made of minced offal, traditionally pig's heart, liver, and fatty belly, meat, or lung, mixed with herbs or breadcrumbs, wrapped Crumbs often wrapped in a caul fat, baked or fried.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:08 It just sounds horrible, and I hate the word faggot. Oh,

William Hanson 0:29:13 it's awful.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:13 Faggot. What a horrible word.

William Hanson 0:29:17 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:17 So, I'd far rather share your beef curtains. No mistake about it. One curtain each?

William Hanson 0:29:23 Where are— And you've got a fully upholstered pelmet. Maybe I'll have some beef curtains in the bedroom. What are beef curtains?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:42 I'm not sure that beef curtains are a thing.

William Hanson 0:29:49 I'm not typing it into my phone, let's put it that way. I'll let Sadie type it in on her computer.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:54 Is it kind of— I'm thinking skirt steak.

William Hanson 0:29:56 Yeah. Have you turned on private browsing?

Speaker G 0:30:01 I've got lots of things coming up.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:03 Yeah. I don't think beef curtains is a thing. It's not an edible thing. Well… Rodrigo, do you know what beef curtains are?

Speaker H 0:30:13 Not sure, actually, what it is.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:16 I

Speaker G 0:30:17 think it's just slices of roast beef.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:20 Slices of beef. You had my beef curtains last weekend. I did, yeah. Did you like them?

William Hanson 0:30:26 Lovely. Very pink.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:28 Oh, William.

William Hanson 0:30:32 I need a rest.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:33 I'm exhausted. What a lot we've given.

William Hanson 0:30:36 We have.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:37 Yeah, we'll leave it there for this week. We will of course be back next Wednesday. Not long now till Frigg. Not long now till Frigg. What do we talk about next week? Do we know?

William Hanson 0:30:47 No, we need to have that chat now.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:50 Oh, how exciting.

William Hanson 0:30:51 The suspense.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:53 On that cliffhanger— Goodbye! On that cliffhanger— Goodbye!