New Jingles and Bye Bye Blue!

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:01:05 Hello, and welcome to The Luxury Podcast. My name's Jonathan Vernon-Smith, and with me is William Hanson. This is the podcast that helps you live A more luxury life.

William Hanson 0:01:25 Hello, Jonathan and I are here to help you create the everyday moments of luxury that make life worth living, whatever your budget.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:01:30 Welcome to another bonus episode of The Luxury Podcast, where William and I will trade tips and stories from our own luxury lifestyles, as well as delving into our lovely great big overflowing Mahl sacks. So, William, before I ask how your week has been, we have a few things to update our luxury listeners on.

William Hanson 0:01:50 Yes, we— look, you might have noticed already if your ears were attentive, that we have new introduction music to this episode.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:01:58 We do.

William Hanson 0:01:59 We've had a bit of an aural glow-up.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:01 We have, absolutely.

William Hanson 0:02:04 Yes, thanks to your own— I mean, it's your composition, our theme tune.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:09 JVS and the Luxury Philharmonic Orchestra, I think we should call them.

William Hanson 0:02:14 Indeed. You have orchestrated our theme, your theme.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:18 We've been fully orchestrated. To and above British standards. Which is always nice.

William Hanson 0:02:24 Because previously, it was you on your keyboard.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:27 It was. There's no need to make it sound as if it was just, you know, little old me.

William Hanson 0:02:33 Well, it was.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:34 What are you laughing for? It was me and an awful lot of high-quality musical entertainment.

William Hanson 0:02:43 How old's the keyboard?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:44 It's about 26 years old. Which is why we've been—

William Hanson 0:02:50 Almost as old as you.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:50 Now the podcast is doing so well.

William Hanson 0:02:53 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:53 And the budget has increased so much, the Luxury Philharmonic Orchestra has been brought out.

William Hanson 0:03:00 Well, lovely. Well, thank you to them. And thank you to you for— I know you've spent a lot of time doing that.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:07 It has taken quite a lot of time.

William Hanson 0:03:08 Quite a lot of versions were sent to us.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:10 Yes, there have been a lot of versions. And to be honest, This is just the start, William. I mean, this is just the start. You wait till we get a Frigg.

William Hanson 0:03:20 Oh,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:20 I've got a Frigg version. I've got Christmas versions. You name it, there's a version for every single event.

William Hanson 0:03:28 Great. Lovely.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:30 Which is nice.

William Hanson 0:03:30 Well, we can't wait to hear your compositions and what the orchestra have done.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:35 Yes. We've also made a bit of a change to our Patreon page.

William Hanson 0:03:41 Have we?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:41 Yes, we have, William. Have you not noticed?

William Hanson 0:03:43 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:44 Oh, for goodness' sake.

William Hanson 0:03:45 Well, I'm not a member, actually.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:46 We've— you are.

William Hanson 0:03:47 Am I?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:48 Yes, you are. You're a free member. Oh, platinum tier. We've decided to make things a little bit simpler and remove, eradicate the blue tier.

William Hanson 0:04:03 We were— you were letting the side down, to be honest.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:06 Yes. So, from now on, In our Luxury Members Club, there will be Bronze, Silver, and for a most exclusive kind of listener, Gold.

William Hanson 0:04:17 Of course.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:17 Those of you currently who are in our Blue tier, you'll have the opportunity to move to our Bronze tier with an executive discount.

William Hanson 0:04:29 Yes. And if you don't want to take us up on that discount, bye-bye.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:32 Really?

William Hanson 0:04:37 Bye, Blue! No, we're joking. We don't mind what tier people are at.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:43 No, we don't want you to go.

William Hanson 0:04:44 We prefer it if you were Gold,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:47 but—

William Hanson 0:04:48 And we should just

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:49 say,

William Hanson 0:04:50 for those who are maybe aspirational to our Luxury Podcast Members Club, where you get exclusive content, you are very soon going to get even more as well.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:59 Oh yes, you will. Including access to us.

William Hanson 0:05:07 We're doing meetups on Hampstead Heath.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:10 In the pond, wearing only our badges, Douglas.

William Hanson 0:05:17 And why did you want that to be done at 11 o'clock at night? Can you remember? Can you remind me? No, we don't mind what tier people are at. Gold and Silver, we should say, is exactly the same. But why be Silver when you could be Gold?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:33 Exactly. Just be a little superior to everyone else.

William Hanson 0:05:37 But it's your call.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:38 I mentioned access to us.

William Hanson 0:05:41 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:41 I do mean that, actually.

William Hanson 0:05:43 Oh, really?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:43 Because you and I, in case you hadn't been notified, William, in your contract, will be jumping—

William Hanson 0:05:49 Contract? You've got a contract?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:50 I don't. We'll be jumping onto both the Luxury Group Chat and Silver and Gold Members Luxury Chat each month. To respond to your burning questions, or even just give you our luxury opinion on your desired cleaning products.

William Hanson 0:06:08 Or whatever you want to talk about.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:09 Yeah, you ask us, we'll answer.

William Hanson 0:06:12 You want me to critique a table setting? Give you advice on how to polish your silver?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:17 Very good idea. Quite. So, head over to luxurypodcast.co.uk to sign up to our Patreon page Now,

William Hanson 0:06:26 I teased just a moment ago that there's going to be more of us, 2 extra episodes per month.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:32 Yes,

William Hanson 0:06:33 in video format as well, which you can actually— I didn't realise on Patreon you can press play on video, but if you want to just listen to us as you go about your business, you can just press play, lock your phone, and it still then carries on playing. So, you don't have to watch us, you can just have us in your ears rather than being static.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:49 Wonderful.

William Hanson 0:06:50 So, that is starting very soon. Only, of course, available for Silver and Gold members.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:55 Yes.

William Hanson 0:06:56 So, if you're Bronze— and that's fine, someone's got to be Bronze— our opprobrium that was previously levelled at Blue is just going to slightly pivot

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:05 to

William Hanson 0:07:06 Bronze.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:06 To Bronze! William!

William Hanson 0:07:10 Bronze.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:12 Do

William Hanson 0:07:14 you think for Luxury Live,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:21 You are awful.

William Hanson 0:07:22 Horrid old bronze. No, I'm joking. I am joking.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:26 Horrid, ugly old bronze.

William Hanson 0:07:32 For Luxury Live, Manchester all sold out. Couple of tickets left for London, we should say.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:39 Yes. Only a couple.

William Hanson 0:07:40 Only a couple.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:41 So snap 'em up.

William Hanson 0:07:42 My maths has never been that good, but only a couple. It's in November, towards the end of November. It's on a Sunday at the Soho Theatre, Walthamstow. The Soho Theatre, Walthamstow. It's a very luxury venue.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:58 It's a luxury venue.

William Hanson 0:08:00 It is actually really nice inside.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:01 It's very, very nice inside.

William Hanson 0:08:03 And very easy to get to from central London.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:05 Extremely easy. And there's toilets, which for anyone—

William Hanson 0:08:11 Yes. No, you laugh, Sadie. You should have seen the venue last time. Oh,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:15 okay. We did our last Last Luxury Live in a church.

William Hanson 0:08:19 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:19 And there was how many toilets? One or two?

William Hanson 0:08:22 Producer Ollie was going around handing out SheWees.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:24 Yes, it was, it was really touch and go, quite literally.

William Hanson 0:08:29 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:29 Yeah. So, this time, bar.

William Hanson 0:08:36 We've got a bar.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:37 Toilets, luxury seats.

William Hanson 0:08:40 A raked audience so they can actually see us, because that was the other issue in the church. When we sat down, half the congregation couldn't see us.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:47 Yes, we disappeared. Yeah, I know.

William Hanson 0:08:49 And don't get us started on the previous venue.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:51 It's going to be very exclusive this time.

William Hanson 0:08:55 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:55 And of course, Bucketheads will have an opportunity to meet other Bucketheads.

William Hanson 0:08:58 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:59 Compare notes.

William Hanson 0:09:00 Indeed.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:01 Oh yes.

William Hanson 0:09:02 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:02 So, um, now we've cleared all of that up, William.

William Hanson 0:09:06 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:06 Have you had a good week?

William Hanson 0:09:07 I've been lovely. At time of recording, it's been my birthday earlier on this week.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:10 Happy birthday to you. Now I should just point out, and you are of course—

William Hanson 0:09:15 Oh, stop it.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:15 The man that has everything.

William Hanson 0:09:17 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:17 So, I just got you 2 things that you might enjoy.

William Hanson 0:09:21 Now, Jonathan's produced a, well, a gift bag in the shape of a bottle.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:25 It's a bottle gift bag, but it doesn't—

William Hanson 0:09:27 But there are 2 things.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:27 It doesn't contain a Malbec. Oh, no siree. It contains—

William Hanson 0:09:32 A Zevy bathroom disinfectant, which is great because I just finished a bottle.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:36 With a free floor cleaner.

William Hanson 0:09:38 Lovely, of Mio.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:39 Yes.

William Hanson 0:09:40 Thank you.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:40 So you can clean your bathroom to and above Spanish standards.

William Hanson 0:09:44 And— And I'm very excited about this because I have actually run out of this. Some more Chantecler laundry fragrance.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:53 Concentrate. Yes, it's a little bit of Italian laundry perfume. Sadie, would you like to come and have a sniff?

William Hanson 0:09:59 Oh yes, you— in fact, I don't think when Jonathan gave me the— and a card, that's lovely.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:04 That's nice. Rodrigo! Yeah? Come and sniff this.

William Hanson 0:10:10 Now, Jonathan, you have left the price on your birthday card.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:16 Oh yeah. Rodrigo, sniff that. My God. Yeah? I don't know about this one.

William Hanson 0:10:23 Oh,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:25 I've gone off him.

William Hanson 0:10:26 Do you not like your Chanticleer?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:27 What's wrong with that?

William Hanson 0:10:29 Very French. Fresh.

Speaker F 0:10:31 Fresh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:31 Rodrigo, come back and sniff it again.

Speaker F 0:10:33 No, thank you.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:34 You got too much up your nose.

Speaker F 0:10:35 I'm good.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:37 Oh, it's lovely.

William Hanson 0:10:39 Yeah, I know, I know.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:40 Oh, look at Don't squirt it.

William Hanson 0:10:42 No, I know, I wasn't going to.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:43 Isn't it lovely?

William Hanson 0:10:44 Yes, I mean, it's softer when you— it's been diluted with water. Well, thank you for that. Look, it's Pond Court on it.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:51 It's Pond Court in the future. Yes.

William Hanson 0:10:53 Yes. You've written in it, here's to Pond Court.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:56 Oh, I have actually left the price under that. You have. Oh.

William Hanson 0:10:59 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:00 Well, you can see I've spent a whole £1.50 on that card.

Speaker G 0:11:05 Jonathan. Inside the scripts.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:09 Oh yeah. There's another little something for you.

William Hanson 0:11:14 Oh, is this my contract?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:16 You should be so lucky.

William Hanson 0:11:18 Oh, have a wonderful birthday. Oh, there's some dogs doing the conga.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:27 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:11:27 Rodrigo.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:28 He's at the back, notice?

William Hanson 0:11:31 He's the biggest dog. William, I'm the smallest dog. Yes. I'm a pug. JVS, you're the big British bulldog.

Speaker G 0:11:40 Slobbery one.

William Hanson 0:11:40 Slobbery one. And Sadie's the cutest dog. Aww. To William, happy birthday to you. Hope you had a fabulous day and a raucous evening. I hope you threw up out of a taxi whilst being gently rubbed.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:55 Wow.

William Hanson 0:11:57 One of the two. Lots of love, Sadie. Happy birthday, Phil and Rachel. And then, another message, different handwriting. Happy birthday, William. I hope you got the many hugs because you deserve that and more. Rodrigo.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:11 Thank you.

William Hanson 0:12:11 Thanks, Rodrigo.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:12 Thank you, Rodrigo.

William Hanson 0:12:13 Happy birthday, William. I love working with you. Does that say?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:18 There's no need to read it as if my handwriting's appalling.

William Hanson 0:12:22 And I love having you as a friend. Love, Jonathan.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:27 I didn't realise you were going to read that out. Otherwise, I would have written something rude.

William Hanson 0:12:31 Oh, sorry. Well, Thank you, everyone. That's lovely.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:34 Well, happy birthday.

William Hanson 0:12:35 Just like to point out, Sexton got me nothing. So, you're already doing a lot better.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:38 Really?

William Hanson 0:12:39 Well, Jordan got me something.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:40 Oh, that's nice. Do you like being the dog at the back, Rodrigo?

William Hanson 0:12:44 He's just laughing.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:47 Silence says it all. Yeah.

William Hanson 0:12:52 Anyway, how have you been?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:53 Well, I feel like I've seen quite a lot of you.

William Hanson 0:12:56 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:56 Because on Sunday, at time of recording, William came for a soiree.

William Hanson 0:13:01 To drill. You were going to drill me.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:03 I gave you a good drilling on my lawn.

William Hanson 0:13:07 Well, you tried to.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:08 Well, I— yes.

William Hanson 0:13:09 That was the idea. This is so I could grow potatoes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:11 Yes.

William Hanson 0:13:12 In my metal planter.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:13 You came with your metal planter. I had my luxury brushless impact drill.

William Hanson 0:13:18 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:19 Highly charged, ready for you.

William Hanson 0:13:21 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:22 What you hadn't told me Was that the base of—

William Hanson 0:13:27 Because I didn't know.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:27 The base of your metal tub was rusted like a 1960s car.

William Hanson 0:13:34 I had a loose bottom.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:35 It was so rusted that as I put my drill bit in it,

William Hanson 0:13:42 just literally as the tip touched the bottom,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:45 it gave way. It gave way. So, you need not have driven all the way to Hertfordshire. You could have used the end of a spoon to make your own hole.

William Hanson 0:13:57 I think my little finger might have done it.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:59 Yeah,

William Hanson 0:14:00 yeah,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:00 it was very entertaining.

William Hanson 0:14:01 And then when you did turn the drill on, the rest of it basically fell away.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:04 It kind of gave way.

William Hanson 0:14:06 There's a video, we'll put it on our members club.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:08 Yes, and it's well worth a watch because it was hilarious.

William Hanson 0:14:12 It was very funny. And, and then also, we should just talk about when you were then, uh, taking the drill attachment out of your brushless impact, and you sort of went, there we go, job's done. and you went to sort of fire it out, having loosened the opening, the drill flew off and basically nearly hit me in the eye. Annoyingly, I was not recording at the time.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:37 Well, William, I have tried to warn you that I'm not a highly qualified professional. I, in fact, my pilot holes are not something anyone else would want to recreate.

William Hanson 0:14:49 No, I sent the video to our friends Fraser and Alex who listen, Bucketheads, and one of them replied— I can't remember which— with, thank God Jonathan had his safety aviators on.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:59 I did put my aviators on to protect my eyes.

William Hanson 0:15:09 Well, I should have been wearing my sunglasses.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:11 Yeah,

William Hanson 0:15:13 and you did a lovely beef.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:15 I did.

William Hanson 0:15:16 Now, have we not previously said on this podcast— I'll try and recreate the video. No, 3 o'clock is not a time for a roast lunch. I hate it when people say, come round for 3. You said, we'll eat at 1. Because your Kamado was being a bit slow—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:33 My— I'm still working on the Kamado. Still trying to get to grips with it.

William Hanson 0:15:40 We basically ended up eating—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:41 At

William Hanson 0:15:42 3 o'clock.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:47 We did, yeah. Yeah, I'm sorry about that.

William Hanson 0:15:49 You also— the other hilarity was when I arrived and you were very excited to show me your Kamado, and you stroked your egg. You didn't realise it was on, and you placed your hand on it, you went,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:02 shit! I took the top layer of my epidermis off for you.

William Hanson 0:16:09 But the meat was very, very nice.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:14 Well, the meat—

William Hanson 0:16:15 Masses of meat. Masses of meat, yes. It

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:16 was a Big old joint, wasn't it?

William Hanson 0:16:20 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:21 Um, I'd started on the gin and slim sometime before you arrived, so I have to be honest with you, I don't remember much about it.

William Hanson 0:16:35 Jonathan, by the time I left, you were sloshed. I had one glass of red wine because I was driving. You had the rest of the bottle before I had left.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:44 All I remember was lying on the rug, the infamous rug, FaceTiming Pam from the pool. While Betty, my dog, seemed to be trying to molest me. It was just a typical Sunday afternoon at Vernon Smith Towers.

William Hanson 0:17:06 Yes, because you were at one point, you had got Pam from the pool's number.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:09 Yes.

William Hanson 0:17:10 And I had to put it in your phone because you couldn't work out how to copy. You couldn't work out how to copy a phone number from Instagram and put it in your phone.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:19 That's true. Well, I just thought it'd be fun to phone Pam from the pub.

William Hanson 0:17:24 And she didn't answer when I was there.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:25 She didn't. She phoned me back.

William Hanson 0:17:26 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:27 Oh yeah.

William Hanson 0:17:28 Is she alright?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:29 Yeah, she's okay. Yeah, she's looking forward— she might come to Frigg when we're there.

William Hanson 0:17:34 That's nice.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:35 Yeah. She might have booked your old apartment. You know, the one you didn't turn up to.

William Hanson 0:17:39 Excellent. Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:41 So, uh, yeah, it's gonna be a very fun few weeks ahead.

William Hanson 0:17:44 It's gonna be great. Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:46 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:17:47 Well, my potato dreams— I don't think I can do potatoes in that.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:50 I think you can.

William Hanson 0:17:51 No, but you said go and get pebbles or something and put them on the bottom.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:54 No, I, I said a few bricks. Put a few bricks.

William Hanson 0:17:57 I don't have— well, I've got the one behind me, but I don't— I don't— where is it? Is the— oh, it's here.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:02 Get a few old bricks.

William Hanson 0:18:04 Well, where do I get old bricks from?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:05 Well, don't you know a builder? No. Oh, well, in that case, throw it away.

William Hanson 0:18:16 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:16 Yeah. I think my biggest worry for you is that your terrace is gorgeous.

William Hanson 0:18:22 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:22 So executive. And I'm worried that you're going to end up with a rust stain.

William Hanson 0:18:27 Well, to be fair, where the planter was, or, and then would go back if we were to keep it, Next year we're probably going to have beds put in because all we've got is pots and tubs at the moment. So we're probably going to have beds put around the outside.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:41 With sleepers?

William Hanson 0:18:44 Hmm? What, railway sleepers? I don't know, we haven't got that far yet. Oh, but beds, just to make it nice because things are better in the ground.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:53 Oh, oh, I see, they're going to be proper in the ground.

William Hanson 0:18:56 Oh yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:57 Oh, okay.

William Hanson 0:18:57 Oh

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:58 yeah, so you're taking up some of the terrace?

William Hanson 0:18:59 Yeah, so thus it then doesn't matter if it gets a rusty ring because we'll— there'll be— it'll be gone. By the way,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:05 One thing you didn't comment on when you came to Vernon Smith Towers at the weekend, my hanging baskets.

William Hanson 0:19:10 Well, you know I don't like them.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:11 Now, you should have been impressed with them this year.

William Hanson 0:19:14 There were none out the front.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:15 There are.

William Hanson 0:19:16 Are there?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:17 2.

William Hanson 0:19:17 Oh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:18 Big, beautiful black leaves.

William Hanson 0:19:21 Lovely.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:22 I've got a big flowing black—

William Hanson 0:19:24 What a natural colour for a leaf.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:25 What a lovely black leaf overhangs the basket. It's terribly nice.

William Hanson 0:19:31 Well, send us a photo.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:33 I didn't notice.

William Hanson 0:19:34 I'm sorry.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:35 Thank you very much. You were probably so excited about arriving.

William Hanson 0:19:39 I was.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:40 You could probably smell my pecan.

William Hanson 0:19:42 I should wash better.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:51 Anyway, it was genuinely, what I can remember, it was really fun having you over on Sunday.

William Hanson 0:19:56 Thank you. It was great fun. I'm just sorry that I couldn't drink because I was driving.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:00 Yes, you couldn't keep up.

William Hanson 0:20:01 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:02 No.

William Hanson 0:20:02 I could not. But it was lovely.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:05 Welcome back, Bucketheads. We're going to read your questions now, so let's dive into our heaving bags of post. If there's something on your mind that needs a luxury touch, do remember postman@luxurypodcast.co.uk is the place for your queries and your questions. Also a reminder, you can watch all of these episodes on Patreon if you join our Luxury Members Club. Head over to luxurypodcast.co.uk to join.

William Hanson 0:22:30 And you can join as either Gold, Silver,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:34 or, wait for it,

William Hanson 0:22:37 Bronze.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:37 Don't retch on the Bronze. He said on the blondes.

William Hanson 0:22:49 This first one is from George. Dear Jonathan and William, what are your thoughts on good and bad customer service? I recently went to a department store at, brace yourselves, a football club to buy a football for a friend's son.

William Hanson 0:23:01 At the counter, a kindly store assistant offered to inflate the ball with an electric pump. Alas, while we were chatting, he overinflated the ball. When he placed it on the counter, it exploded in both our faces with the approximate force of a tactical nuclear warhead. My friend later told me she heard the muffled blast outside on the pavement. When our ears had stopped ringing, the last bits of leather fluttered to the floor, and we regained our senses, all I could think to say was, I shan't be paying for that.

William Hanson 0:23:27 All he could say was, I don't think you should either. We then both dissolved into fits of laughter and he gave me a free football, deflated. I think he dealt with the whole episode very well, and what could have been an example of terrible, not to mention deadly, customer service turned out to be an extremely funny moment. I left the shop with a mild concussion, a funny anecdote, and a free football. What's the best and worst customer service you've ever experienced?

William Hanson 0:23:49 Yours sincerely, George.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:50 Ooh, that's a good question. Very good. I think the worst customer experience I've ever encountered was, uh, from an airline. I was flying to Argentina, and I got as far as Madrid, and they cancelled the flight from Madrid to Argentina. I was

William Hanson 0:24:08 going to say, that's the wrong way.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:09 And the lady who was the representative from the airline, uh, was the rudest person I've ever dealt with in my entire life. And she, she got so exasperated with all these unhappy customers, she just walked away and left us. And we stood and it was about an hour. She'd just gone. So we had to organise what we were going to do from that moment on. Our return, our journey onto Argentina.

William Hanson 0:24:44 That's terrible.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:44 Had just kind of collapsed and she'd obviously had enough and gone home. That was the worst, I think.

William Hanson 0:24:50 Yeah, that's hard to, hard to match that.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:53 Yeah, it was pretty bad. Yeah, I was— I don't think I've ever been as angry as I was that day.

William Hanson 0:24:58 Well, that was relatively recently, yes?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:01 Oh no, no, no, no, no, years ago. This would have been about 20 years ago.

William Hanson 0:25:04 Was it the same airline that lost, lost your luggage recently?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:07 Yes, yes, yes.

William Hanson 0:25:08 You're never going to fly with them again?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:09 No, never again. No, no, no. I said I'd never fly with them again after the first time, and then I I relented, and they lost the luggage.

William Hanson 0:25:17 One more fool you.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:19 Exactly. Never, ever forgive.

William Hanson 0:25:21 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:21 No.

William Hanson 0:25:22 You won't.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:23 Anonymous has been in touch with us. Yes. Says, hello, Luxury Podcast. Oh, how personal.

William Hanson 0:25:29 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:29 I'm currently at a luxury dinner soirée, and we were chatting about the podcast. However, I have unfortunately had to announce that I have a bad stomach, as I've been to the toilet 3 times in 10 minutes. They're writing this while they're at the soirée.

William Hanson 0:25:45 Sneezing one out.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:47 Though not related to the luxury lasagne. It made us wonder, what is the appropriate etiquette for this if it ever happens again in the future? P.S., the luxury dinner soirée is at the One and Only Silicon Shores.

William Hanson 0:26:10 Silicon-y lasagnas.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:12 Silicon?

William Hanson 0:26:13 Felled a dinner guest.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:14 Oh no.

William Hanson 0:26:15 Well, at least he's a plumber.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:17 Silicon Sean? Yes. Get your big plunger out, Sean. Another guest has had an experience. Oh, Silicon Sean's a good cook, I think.

William Hanson 0:26:37 Yeah, no, no, he— no, an anonymous says that it's got nothing to do with the lasagne. Or does it?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:42 Or does it? Yeah. Oh dear.

William Hanson 0:26:44 Wow.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:44 Well, that's awful, isn't it? Have you ever had a, um, a bad experience at someone's house?

William Hanson 0:26:51 No, actually.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:52 Have you not?

William Hanson 0:26:52 No, I'm quite controlled.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:53 Are you? Hmm.

William Hanson 0:26:56 Have you, Jonathan?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:59 Might have done.

William Hanson 0:27:01 Hope it wasn't mine.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:03 No, no, no, no,

William Hanson 0:27:04 no, I know.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:05 What do you mean you'd know?

William Hanson 0:27:08 Well, because also you'd probably come out and announce it.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:11 Oh no, I wouldn't.

William Hanson 0:27:13 Would you not?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:15 No, no, I'd be very embarrassed that kind of thing happened. Would you— is it acceptable? So here's an interesting etiquette question. If you are at a soirée, yes, and if the lavatory is downstairs, within, you know, the vicinity of the guests, and you realise that you're in big trouble.

William Hanson 0:27:38 Yeah. Jonathan's chair.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:41 My chair has started making a noise.

William Hanson 0:27:43 Lavatorial noises.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:45 Yes.

William Hanson 0:27:46 There it goes again.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:48 Is it acceptable to go upstairs and use the host's loo?

William Hanson 0:27:53 Not without permission. No, I would maybe take your host to one side and say, Do you mind if I just go and sit upstairs?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:01 I did say, go and curl one out upstairs.

William Hanson 0:28:03 I didn't say that. Jonathan, you're twisting my words.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:11 How embarrassing.

William Hanson 0:28:13 I would say, would you mind if I just use the upstairs bathroom for a moment?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:15 That's not obvious, is it?

William Hanson 0:28:19 No, but they will not say anything. They'll go, of course, upstairs, second on the left, or whatever.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:24 Well, it depends. You see, if I've had a few, I might not be thinking straight, and I might say, why? There's one down there by the door.

William Hanson 0:28:34 You go, okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:36 Okay, so it's not okay just to quietly slip upstairs.

William Hanson 0:28:38 I don't think you can just, like, go upstairs because they may not have cleaned the bathroom. They may, you know—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:43 That's the least of their worries.

William Hanson 0:28:44 I think I would perhaps just flag to the host, but not in front of the rest of the guests.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:51 No,

William Hanson 0:28:52 no. That's what I'd do.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:53 Well, very unfortunate.

William Hanson 0:28:56 Paul has been in touch. Good morning, gentlemen. In response to your department store episode, I'd like to confirm that Fennec is indeed alive and well for the time being. And if you ever find yourself on the wrong side of the Dartford Crossing, you can shop in Canterbury's own Fennec store opposite the Mackie D's. Also, speaking of funeral tunes— that was a pivot— when my nan died— they mean grandmother— we were discussing what music to play at her funeral. I quipped, well, she used to enjoy watching Emmerdale. How about we play the theme? My dad thought it was a great idea, and so it played during the moment of reflection.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:26 Right.

William Hanson 0:29:30 Would you call that luxury? No. Can't wait to see you in London for Luxury Life. Forever yours, Paul from Canterbury.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:37 Paul from Canterbury in Kent.

William Hanson 0:29:39 Funerals should be personal, and if your grandmother loved Emmerdale, fair enough.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:43 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:29:44 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:44 What happened if you liked Michael Burke's 999?

William Hanson 0:29:50 Dun

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:51 dun dun!

William Hanson 0:29:52 Good for the crematorium.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:54 Very good.

William Hanson 0:29:55 Yes, but not— not— Stop moving about in your chair. Sit still.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:02 William— I mean, Rodrigo. Rodrigo. My chair's squeaking again. It's not leapt over this time, has it? Before we started recording, Rodrigo came and attempted to resolve the issue in my chair.

William Hanson 0:30:21 Adjust your seat. Yeah. I think it's done.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:25 Yeah, yeah.

William Hanson 0:30:25 No, I would— I mean, Emmerdale, it's quite melodic, the Emmerdale theme. It's not as orchestral as our theme.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:36 No, quite.

William Hanson 0:30:37 No. Emmerdale, if you want Jonathan and our Luxury Podcast Philharmonic Orchestra to redo yours—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:42 Would you like the Luxury Podcast theme at your funeral?

William Hanson 0:30:50 Maybe a slower version.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:51 Oh,

William Hanson 0:30:52 like the candlelight remix.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:53 The candlelight.

William Hanson 0:30:55 Yeah, can you see— work on that?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:58 Shall I see if I can do something for you?

William Hanson 0:31:00 A candlelight sort of funereal version.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:02 Yeah, as you disappear. Have we done your funeral? Are you going to be buried or cremated?

William Hanson 0:31:08 Mausoleum.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:09 Yeah, of course. Well, I, I think that'll do for this episode. We'll leave it there for now. Of course, we will be back on Wednesday where we're going to be talking about something very executive.

William Hanson 0:31:23 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:24 Bread. Absolutely. But until then, Goodbye!