Fat Backs and the Pond Court Care Bus

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:01:10 Hello and welcome to The Luxury Podcast. My name's Jonathan Vernon-Smith, and with me is William Hanson. This is the podcast that helps you live a more luxury life.

William Hanson 0:01:19 Hello, Jonathan. I'm here to help you create the everyday moments of luxury that make life worth living, whatever your budget.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:01:25 So welcome to another bonus episode of The Luxury Podcast, where William and I will trade tips, and stories from our own luxury lifestyles, as well as delving into our lovely great big mail sacks. William, I feel like we've spent so much time together recently. How's your week been?

William Hanson 0:01:42 Well, let's rip the plaster off and go straight into debriefing the Intergenerational Luxury Soiree Mark II.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:01:50 Yes.

William Hanson 0:01:51 At yours.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:01:52 Yes.

William Hanson 0:01:53 What an evening. Thank you for having us.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:01:55 Well, it was an absolute pleasure. It was the worst weather we have had for a very, very

William Hanson 0:02:03 Austin was gushing down outside.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:05 It was absolutely atrocious weather.

William Hanson 0:02:08 Yeah, but that didn't stop you.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:10 Well, no, because of course I was doing an alfresco soiree barbecue on my luxury kamado, and that meant that I was in and out quite a lot, getting rather wet. And I ordinarily would have done a lot more of the cooking outside.

William Hanson 0:02:26 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:27 But I minimised that because I just couldn't.

William Hanson 0:02:28 So, how much was cooked inside? Is that the first time the kitchen has really been used?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:32 The first time the The oven has been used for a very long time. Wow. Yes. All the potatoes were done inside. The vegetables— oh no, I did them on the barbecue, didn't I?

William Hanson 0:02:41 Yes, you did.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:42 Yes, the potatoes, the— I did cauliflower cheese. That went in the oven as well.

William Hanson 0:02:48 Did cauliflower cheese have something else in it?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:50 Had a little vegetable gratin.

William Hanson 0:02:52 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:53 Yes, with a little bit of crunch. Yes, indeed. So, there was that, and everything else was done outside, i.e., Couple of picanhas.

William Hanson 0:03:03 And it was delicious. The picanha in particular, it did live up to the hype.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:08 Good.

William Hanson 0:03:08 Even if it wasn't aged for as long as you would have liked.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:11 No.

William Hanson 0:03:11 Due to your substandard butcher.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:13 Well, I don't know that we can blame him. It was more when our soirée happened to fall in his ageing process.

William Hanson 0:03:21 Oh, so it's our fault.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:25 Well, he buys a cow a week.

William Hanson 0:03:27 Right.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:27 He told me he buys a cow a week. So, he has a cow, Um, and then sells a cow. And we obviously had— well, we had 2 cows, didn't we? So we had one from a couple of weeks ago.

William Hanson 0:03:40 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:41 And then one from presumably a week before, because one was slightly aged more than the other, my pecanias.

William Hanson 0:03:45 Oh, was it? Well, whatever, whichever cow I had.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:49 Was it delicious?

William Hanson 0:03:50 Very nice.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:51 Good.

William Hanson 0:03:51 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:52 Well, I, I mean, I, I don't wish to blow my own trumpet, but when I tasted the meat, I thought, thank goodness for that, I've not messed it up.

William Hanson 0:03:58 No, you hadn't at all. It was amazing. I think you took a picture of it. Someone took a picture of the picanha cooked.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:03 I didn't.

William Hanson 0:04:04 I have seen one, so we'll pop that up on our thing. You can put your before.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:08 Yes.

William Hanson 0:04:09 Sorry to the veggies and the vegans.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:11 Oh yes, it is quite dead.

William Hanson 0:04:12 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:12 I did a dry brine!

William Hanson 0:04:15 You did?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:16 I did a dry brine. Have you ever heard of a dry brine before?

William Hanson 0:04:19 It's where you rub it in salt.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:20 Yes, I put— I rubbed it in salt in the afternoon and then left it in the fridge, and the salt kind of absorbed some of the moisture. And that didn't— I was worried it would dry it out, but it didn't at all. No. So much moisture in that meat. If you

William Hanson 0:04:37 weren't doing a dry brine, what would you have done?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:39 What do you mean?

William Hanson 0:04:40 Well, what's the other option?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:41 Well, I would have just seasoned it while I popped it on the barbecue.

William Hanson 0:04:44 Oh, I see.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:45 This, of course, didn't require any additional seasoning.

William Hanson 0:04:47 No, it didn't.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:48 Because I had done it already.

William Hanson 0:04:49 So,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:50 it was rather good. And of course, I got the, um, the, the Luxury Podcast Orchestra.

William Hanson 0:04:55 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:56 To create a welcome jingle. for all of you as you arrived.

William Hanson 0:05:01 I text Sadie the day after saying, have you ever gone to a party that has its own custom jingle? And sent her the long version. We are going to hear the shorter version.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:13 Yes, well, I did 2 versions.

William Hanson 0:05:15 And once we were all gathered in your conservatory that you had opened up—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:19 Yes, opened it up for a—

William Hanson 0:05:21 The semi-state rooms

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:24 you

William Hanson 0:05:24 had opened just for us, and we were all gathered, Mm-hmm. And you popped your portable speaker on.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:31 Mm-hmm.

William Hanson 0:05:32 And you pressed play.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:33 And then this came out.

William Hanson 0:06:00 There— I mean, there was then a bed.

Speaker A 0:06:04 Where you both kicked your knees up.

William Hanson 0:06:06 Well, no, the first time we were all gathered in the semi-state rooms. And then after— then it happened again at the end of the evening.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:13 Yes.

William Hanson 0:06:14 That's when Jonathan and I kicked our knees up. Yeah. We can maybe put that video online.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:18 We did a small dance routine to it.

William Hanson 0:06:22 It went on.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:22 I mean, it's all—

Speaker A 0:06:24 It's about 3 minutes, wasn't it?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:25 It's all totally normal behaviour, isn't it?

William Hanson 0:06:27 It's what happens at every dinner soirée.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:29 You go to a dinner party, Somebody bursts forth with a bespoke jingle for the evening. And then the host and one of his very best friends do a dance routine to everybody assembled on the sofa.

William Hanson 0:06:42 There's a lovely bit which I hadn't noticed. Oh yeah? Where Sadie screenshotted me halfway through our dance. I look at my watch. Sadie said something like, that would've been me.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:57 I hadn't noticed that.

William Hanson 0:07:02 My thoughts exactly 1 and a half minutes in.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:04 Why were you looking at your watch? Were you worried about your executive vehicle coming to pick you up?

William Hanson 0:07:17 What a nice Rolls that was.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:18 You've never seen anything like it. The end of this luxury evening. And suddenly, this kind of van arrives and plonks you all in. It looked like the Pong Court Care Bus.

William Hanson 0:07:35 It was not very luxury. My seat was wobbly, as was his driving. And had I not been very— most of us fell asleep, which was the best way. I also need to— I'm seeing Luke after this. I need to apologise to him. Geographically, I have a feeling it would have been better if we had dropped them back first. I can't— oh, it might as well be broad as it is long. But I really need to apologise to them for if I got that wrong with geography. Geography is not my strong point. But in my head, we were closer to ours. But anyway.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:10 There was just this lovely moment where I was standing outside to say goodbye, and I'll have to move my chair around to recreate this. And you kind of leant back through your chair, and you went—

William Hanson 0:08:31 In future, when I use that particular taxi firm again, who also told me when I tried to push the taxi back for 15 minutes, yeah, it'll be another £100, mate.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:46 Right.

William Hanson 0:08:47 I think it was another user of the Dartford Crossing that found himself in Harpenden. So we kept it at 11:15. But it was such a nice evening. And most executive soirées not only have an executive jingle, a luxury jingle, for better-classed dinner guests, but also end with you going around with a little powder for everyone. We had an Uvasal.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:11 We did. Yes, I drugged everyone.

William Hanson 0:09:15 Uvasal. Uvasal. It's written Uvasal.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:18 Uvasal. Uvasal. It's the Argentinian form of Andrew's Liver Salts, which will—

William Hanson 0:09:24 We needed that.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:25 That will only mean something to our older Bucketheads, because I don't think they sell Andrews Liver Salts anymore. You can't get it. But it's— Andrews Liver Salts, fantastic product. I don't know why they stopped it. It's basically a bicarbonate of soda drink that settles your stomach.

William Hanson 0:09:40 Yes, and it needed settling.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:42 Yes.

William Hanson 0:09:42 Because, I mean, we pushed through without Barb's Baps.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:46 Yes.

William Hanson 0:09:47 You had some other, actually, dare I say it, nicer bread. if I'm honest. The Barbs Baps.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:52 Are you joking? You are joking. That was not. And I had to witness a shoplifter while I bought that.

William Hanson 0:10:00 Oh yes, and you teased us with that, but you didn't actually tell us more about it.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:04 There was some disgusting little shoplifter in this particular branch of Hainsbury's when I went to buy it on the Saturday morning. He looked like a right thug. And after that time where I nearly got killed, I thought, you know what? This is not my battle today.

William Hanson 0:10:19 And what was he— Pinching.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:20 He had an entire bag full of stuff clinking. And I looked over, and the security guard wasn't on the front door. And I thought, well, for goodness' sake, if on a busy Saturday morning you haven't got security on the door, I'm not risking life and limb for this one.

William Hanson 0:10:34 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:35 I've got a luxury soirée tonight.

William Hanson 0:10:36 Yes, he's not going to a soirée with an executive jingle.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:39 Exactly. Can't ruin this face, I thought to myself.

William Hanson 0:10:41 No, the bread was fine.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:43 It was fine.

William Hanson 0:10:44 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:45 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:10:45 It's fine.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:45 It was. It was just—

William Hanson 0:10:46 Wasn't Bob's. Did she ever reply?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:49 Yes, I think she did, actually. Yeah, but too late. Yeah. I mean, she wasn't offering to make the bread.

William Hanson 0:10:55 No,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:56 no.

William Hanson 0:10:56 Well, she should— in future, I think she needs to let you know in advance when her no-bake weeks are.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:01 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:11:02 Well, you could always get one and freeze it.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:03 I said to her, was she going to come to Luxury Live? And she said, maybe next year.

William Hanson 0:11:12 She is dead to me. I've never met the woman. Will there be a next year?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:21 She said, oh, I'd love to come to one of your shows. Let me know when you're doing it next year. I said, no, it's November. She said, yeah, next year. So, I'm not— she's not coming anyway.

William Hanson 0:11:34 Well,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:35 but I'm pleased it was a success.

William Hanson 0:11:36 Can we talk about the pudding?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:38 Oh, that pudding.

William Hanson 0:11:40 My God, I was full to the gills already. A lot of delicious red wine. And I can't really do red wine in more recent times as much as I did that night, but I pushed through. And did start to feel a little bit queer halfway through the evening.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:55 Yes.

William Hanson 0:11:56 Just as I got—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:56 You had to disappear upstairs to use my lavatory upstairs.

William Hanson 0:12:00 No, I only went upstairs because someone was downstairs.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:03 Oh, are you sure you were okay?

William Hanson 0:12:04 No, I didn't do a quote-unquote big job.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:07 You said, do you mind if I go upstairs?

William Hanson 0:12:10 No, no, 'cause someone else, another guest went downstairs.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:13 I thought, he needs a big job.

William Hanson 0:12:15 No, no, no. No big jobs were done. Not on my part anyway.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:19 Oh, I had Charlie Mullins on speed dial.

William Hanson 0:12:21 Yes, the pudding then came out, and I thought I was gonna be— then I thought Charlie Mullins.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:36 Bit rich, wasn't it?

William Hanson 0:12:36 Delish. What was it?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:38 It's called a bomb. It's a bomb, and it's a bomb in more ways than one. A combination of ice cream and chocolate.

William Hanson 0:12:47 Cookie dough?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:47 Cookie dough.

William Hanson 0:12:48 Dulce de leche? Oh,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:50 dulce de leche, all smashed into one.

William Hanson 0:12:53 Yeah, chocolate fingers poking out the top.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:54 Yes. I mean, you— it practically gives you type 2 diabetes. One bowl of it, you're riddled with the old diabetes.

William Hanson 0:13:02 But no, it was, it was a lovely evening, and we all, we all said lovely things. Good.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:08 Well, it was very fun having you all.

William Hanson 0:13:10 Thank you.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:10 You're welcome anytime at Vernon Smith Towers, you know that. Oh, bless you.

William Hanson 0:13:13 Well, I think the others are now tossing up between each of them as who's it going to be.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:16 Who's the next?

William Hanson 0:13:18 It's either Luke and Jo or Freddie and George.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:20 Well, and we've both set the bar quite high, haven't we?

William Hanson 0:13:24 We have. Talking of that pudding, I tell you how lethal that pudding was because I've been back rehearsing for Titanic for my return next week.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:32 Yes.

William Hanson 0:13:32 I put my costume on, same costume as before, Alas. And—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:38 Bit tight?

William Hanson 0:13:39 Not so much tight. It's elasticated, so it's fine. But yes, the—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:44 What are you talking about? You're skinny as anything.

William Hanson 0:13:46 There's a bit of overspill, which I'm putting mainly to your Camembert.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:50 Honestly.

William Hanson 0:13:51 The picanha and that bomb.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:52 Oh, you're blaming my cuisine for your fat back? 'Cause it was so good. Sorry?

William Hanson 0:13:58 It wasn't really a fat back. It was more of a fat front. My back's actually quite slim.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:04 Is that where you collect weight, around the front?

William Hanson 0:14:06 Or on my face.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:07 Or on your face?

William Hanson 0:14:09 Sometimes I go puffy.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:10 Oh yes, but that's better, isn't it?

William Hanson 0:14:12 What?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:13 Well, if you go too gaunt in your face, it's very ageing. Very ageing. People with a skinny face, they look ever so old, don't they? You want a little bit of fat in your cheeks. No, you do. It's true. Do you? Okay. Yeah. Have you never noticed that before? He's gonna— he's gonna be down the clinic now. Could you inject some fat in my face, please?

William Hanson 0:14:32 They can do that.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:33 Of course they can inject anything in your face, and you wouldn't feel a thing, would you? Would you? Let's be honest.

William Hanson 0:14:39 Shut up.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:41 Anyway, yeah, so you are on what, a bit of a health kick now to get back into your costume?

William Hanson 0:14:46 I am on a health kick. Well, I think the moment I start doing the show— no, I got into it.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:50 Right.

William Hanson 0:14:50 It was a bit tight on one of my calves, so I could take— 'cause I also, I put on weight on my calves. I've got big calves anyway.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:55 Who on earth puts weight on their calves?

William Hanson 0:14:58 Oh no, I do, you know, 'cause when I lost all the weight the first time, I noticed that

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:03 my calves shrunk.

William Hanson 0:15:04 20 calves?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:05 Right. I've never heard of that before.

William Hanson 0:15:07 No, it's a thing.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:08 Well, there you go. When do you start?

William Hanson 0:15:11 10th of November.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:11 10th of— oh, how exciting!

William Hanson 0:15:13 Until the 3rd of January. I am off for our annual panto trip.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:17 For Luxury Live.

William Hanson 0:15:18 Well, yes, and that.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:19 And that.

William Hanson 0:15:19 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, those are my NAs. In fact, Zofia, who sometimes does our technician, sometimes when Rodrigo is unavailable, or too expensive for us, said to me, oh, we've booked coming on the 5th of December.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:36 When are we going?

William Hanson 0:15:37 5th of December is our Panto trip. I'm not on that day's offie, but thanks very much.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:41 Oh.

William Hanson 0:15:42 I said, feel free, you know, phone up and move your tickets. Let's say that you're a friend and that hopefully they'll waive the admin charge. Sticking to the 5th of December.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:51 Who will be doing you then? Ask a stupid question.

William Hanson 0:16:00 It'll probably be my cover.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:07 Who's that?

William Hanson 0:16:08 It'll either be AJ, or it could be Josh. Depends on who else is off that day.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:13 Do you need me to do it?

William Hanson 0:16:14 Well, no, because you're coming to panto.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:16 Oh yes, I can't do it. Yeah, you can't do it. Sorry, I can't do it that night.

William Hanson 0:16:20 Yeah,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:20 no, I can't.

William Hanson 0:16:21 I need to find somewhere to eat, because where we normally go are not available.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:27 What?

William Hanson 0:16:27 Yeah, I know.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:27 We can't go there.

William Hanson 0:16:29 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:29 How can they not be available?

William Hanson 0:16:31 Well…

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:31 What, fully booked?

William Hanson 0:16:33 They're fully booked.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:33 Already?

William Hanson 0:16:34 I know.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:35 Oh, for goodness' sake.

William Hanson 0:16:37 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:38 Okay.

William Hanson 0:16:38 I'm on it.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:39 Are you?

William Hanson 0:16:40 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:40 Okay. Right, well, that's a bit of a pickle, isn't it? How can they be booked up already? It's October.

William Hanson 0:16:46 Well, we're also a bigger group than we were last time, because we've gone up in numbers, haven't we?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:49 Gosh. Growing.

William Hanson 0:16:51 We are.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:52 Through popularity.

William Hanson 0:16:53 We're basically filling the stalls of the Palladium.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:56 Oh, quite lovely. Well, you met Julian Clary recently, didn't you?

William Hanson 0:17:01 I did, yes. Well, I have met him before, but I met him again.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:04 Yeah. How was it?

William Hanson 0:17:05 It was good. Yeah, it was nice. Yeah, we got on well.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:07 Nice. Was he a bit shy?

William Hanson 0:17:08 A little bit shy to begin with.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:10 Shy chap, isn't he?

William Hanson 0:17:11 Yeah, but no, he warmed up and was, uh, and sort of found what he could do with me, as it were, in terms of our rapport on stage.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:20 Nice.

William Hanson 0:17:20 Yeah, so it was nice. It was a nice moment. I was horrifically jet-lagged.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:25 Were you?

William Hanson 0:17:26 Yes, but I got through it.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:27 Did he make you cackle like a witch?

William Hanson 0:17:30 Well, I said to Mikey afterwards, I said, as a sort of a Julian fan, I've sort of heard— as you, if you're a fan of anyone, you might hear the same stories in interviews and whatever. You're like, oh yeah, this one, okay, whatever. You know, you have your stories. And if I was attending that event as a punter in the audience, I would have been pleased because I heard— I managed to get different stories out of him that I haven't heard before.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:59 Oh, really?

William Hanson 0:17:59 So, I was pleased because I was like, oh, I didn't know that, so this is good. So, that is my barometer of my own line of questioning.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:06 Wow.

William Hanson 0:18:07 In fact, at one point I asked him a question, he went, well, you're pleased with yourself for that question, aren't you? Oh, yes, yes, Julian, because it's an interesting question. So yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:17 Wow.

William Hanson 0:18:18 No, it was good, thank you.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:19 Lovely.

William Hanson 0:18:20 It was a nice little moment.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:54 Welcome back, Bucketheads. We're going to read your questions now, so let's dive into our heaving bags of post. Do remember, if there's something on your mind that needs a luxury twist, postman@luxurypodcast.co.uk is the place for your queries and your questions. Also, a reminder, we're about to go on tour. Manchester, completely sold out. Yes. Not a dickybird.

William Hanson 0:20:20 Chock-a-block.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:21 Chock-a-block. But there are just a small smattering of— spattering? What is it? Is it smattering or spattering?

William Hanson 0:20:33 Smattering.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:34 Smattering, yes. Spatters. Blood spatter.

William Hanson 0:20:37 Yeah, we don't know. Hopefully not. No, no. If you don't buy bloody tickets, there will be.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:42 There's a small smattering of tickets for our Luxury London tour.

William Hanson 0:20:50 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:51 So grab them before it sells out. luxurypodcast.co.uk.

William Hanson 0:20:55 Yes, they're literally— I mean, most of the stalls are gone at the time of checking. Maybe like 6 seats in the stalls.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:01 Well, and you know what? There's still a few seats on the last row. In the stalls. At the back. Yeah. And I think they're the best seats.

William Hanson 0:21:08 Well, having been—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:09 When we went to the theatre—

William Hanson 0:21:10 It's such a nice theatre.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:11 It's a lovely theatre. And I sat in on that back row, and I thought, if I was here, I'd want to be sitting there.

William Hanson 0:21:16 You've got no one kicking your seat behind you.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:18 No, lovely. And the view is absolutely fantastic.

William Hanson 0:21:20 Beautiful rake. Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:22 And you look down on everyone else.

William Hanson 0:21:24 How fitting.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:26 Exactly. So, if there are any of those seats left, Bucketheads, and you fancy filling them, Well,

William Hanson 0:21:32 we'll see if we can squeeze you in the back.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:34 Snap 'em up!

William Hanson 0:21:35 luxurypodcast.co.uk. Let's go to our first piece of correspondence. This is from Eli. Dear William and Jonathan, I'm a fairly new listener to your podcast and enjoying it greatly.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:45 Oh, nice.

William Hanson 0:21:45 The government is now advising people to keep enough non-perishable emergency supplies for 72 hours. What would your recommendations be to stockpile and survive in the most luxurious way? I've started to build up my stockpile with some M&S soups I found to be very agreeable. E.g., French onion. What other luxury products would you recommend? How does one keep their decorum in a situation of survival? Your answers will be greatly appreciated. Eli. You have done a phone-in on this.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:09 Yes, done a couple actually.

William Hanson 0:22:11 Right. And my brother's been going on about it for a while. We are not prepared. Booze? Yes, we are. I've got a cupboard full of booze.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:20 Right.

William Hanson 0:22:20 Cleaning products? Fine, we'll be clean. We'll have no power, we'll have no water, we'll have no electricity, but at least we'll be clean.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:26 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:22:27 Then we fall down.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:28 Well, I hope you're not planning to turn up at my gaff, start sniffing around my supplies.

William Hanson 0:22:34 Should I get Barb, who I've always loved?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:38 What, to whip you up some baps?

William Hanson 0:22:43 Yes, that we can freeze. Although the freezer will stop working.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:46 You can't— honestly, William, you can't do that. It's got to be tins.

Speaker B 0:22:50 Tin?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:52 Yes. From a tin? You need to eat from a tin. Because your freezer—

William Hanson 0:22:56 Do I look as if I'm the sort of person that eats from a tin?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:59 Well, you might have to be. So you need tins and you need water. Now, particularly you, I mean, you drink so much water. I do. As you know, I can survive solely on gin. But you require water. And so you do need— you need 3 2-litre bottles per day per person.

William Hanson 0:23:18 3, 2, 1. No, I think Mike— Mike, have you got 6?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:23 Well, he won't be able to, because he'll kill you.

William Hanson 0:23:25 I'll kill him.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:27 So, you will— you'll have to talk to Mikey. If worst happens, you're gonna have to sit him down and say, now, Mikey, you are not drinking too much water today. You've got— this is your supply for the day. You've got 3 2-litres. That is it. If you use it up, you are not drinking any more.

William Hanson 0:23:43 Do you know what will happen? I mean, I love my husband very much, but he'll go, yeah, but I've gone for a run. Should you stop going for a run?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:50 No, he won't be able to go for a run.

William Hanson 0:23:52 Why?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:52 Because he'll have to preserve his moisture.

William Hanson 0:23:55 Oh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:56 You cannot have him drying out. Because in an emergency situation, you need him good and moist. You do.

William Hanson 0:24:16 Well, that would be an

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:17 emergency. So I've got— I went the other day to—

William Hanson 0:24:25 And where are you keeping yours?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:26 In my luxury carousel.

William Hanson 0:24:28 What's your carousel?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:30 I've got a corner carousel.

William Hanson 0:24:32 Oh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:32 For all my tins. I've got 2 pull-out carousels.

William Hanson 0:24:36 I don't have a carousel.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:42 Haven't you got a car— oh.

William Hanson 0:24:43 I don't think this will affect me.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:45 What won't?

William Hanson 0:24:46 Jonathan, I'm BA Gold status and a very high-ranking council taxpayer.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:51 Right.

William Hanson 0:24:51 It won't— they'll sort me out with something.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:53 Who will?

William Hanson 0:24:54 The

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:55 government. The government will airdrop you supplies?

William Hanson 0:25:01 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:01 You're going to be round your neighbours, aren't you, banging on their door? Oh, hello.

William Hanson 0:25:06 I've been round yours.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:08 No, you need to—

William Hanson 0:25:11 You've got aircon. Oh no, that won't work.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:12 No, you can't have aircon. No. And you've got to remember, I'm a Hurricane Irma survivor, so I know what it's like I— no, you can laugh. I'm being serious. I know you are. When I was in Hurricane Irma— why are you laughing? It's not funny.

William Hanson 0:25:27 Because I don't think most Hurricane Irma survivors watched the box set of Benidorm.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:32 Well, until the electricity stopped. That soon stopped the fun, didn't it? No, so when Hurricane Irma hit, so we were staying with our friend Jay, who has a house in Florida. And Jay, he immediately got into just a wonderful wartime mentality. And he said, okay guys, I'm going to Clorox the bath. And I'll be honest with you, I didn't know what that meant.

William Hanson 0:26:00 Clorox?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:02 Clorox. So, Clorox is what the Americans— it's a brand of bleach.

William Hanson 0:26:07 I thought it was bleach.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:08 Yeah. And he started bleaching the bath.

William Hanson 0:26:11 Why?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:12 And of course, As soon as I got a whiff of bleach, I was in there straight away. I said, Jay, what are you doing? Why, this is no time for cleaning the bath. We've got an emergency on our hands. We've got Hurricane Irma about to hit. He said, I've got to bleach the bath, then we fill it full with water. I said, why are you doing that? We're not going to have a bath. He said, this is to survive on.

William Hanson 0:26:34 Won't it be a bit bleachy?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:36 Well, no, you rinse the bleach off. Well, okay, fine. You're wally. This was to sanitise the bath. Oh. Because you then fill the bath with water, And we would have potentially had to live on that. That would have been all we could live on.

William Hanson 0:26:50 Like a cat.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:50 Yeah. So we filled the bath with water, and that was all ready for when the hurricane hit. So we had a whole bath supply.

William Hanson 0:26:59 And how close to Irma's centre were you?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:02 Oh yeah, it came right through us. It did. It came right through us. I mean, it was the most terrifying thing. In all seriousness, it really was terrifying.

William Hanson 0:27:11 You— I'm getting that.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:12 When I was watching, I was watching the news, and of course, you know what the Americans are like, they're so dramatic.

William Hanson 0:27:17 So dramatic.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:17 I mean, if it was in Britain, they'd kind of put a bit of a stiff upper lip gloss on it, wouldn't they?

William Hanson 0:27:23 Yeah, of course.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:23 They'd be like, you know, come on, chaps, you'll be okay. In America, they're like, if you have a problem, if, if it hits, you've got to get in your bathroom and put a mattress over the bath.

William Hanson 0:27:35 Oh, you drown.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:36 You get in— no, wait, no, not that bath, the one without the water. Don't get in with the water! I

William Hanson 0:27:46 don't know how many baths Jay has.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:51 You couldn't all pile into the water. Who'd want to drink it after that? No, you had to get in another bath and put a mattress over the top.

William Hanson 0:28:04 Yeah, they do that in Desperate Housewives.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:06 So that any of the rubble falling on you, you know, wouldn't kill you. You see, I was very well prepared. Well prepped. So, having got all of this set up, we then put Benadorm on and got drunk. Got very, very drunk. That's the one thing I would say. Should you find yourself in an emergency, make sure you've got booze. You do not—

William Hanson 0:28:28 What happens if you have to drive?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:30 What are you going to be driving? Where are you going to drive?

William Hanson 0:28:32 You have to drive away from Erba.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:34 It was a bit late by then. Oh, no, the time—

William Hanson 0:28:37 Did you not consider driving away?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:39 Yes. Yeah, did.

William Hanson 0:28:40 In hindsight, should you have driven away?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:42 No, because by the time we arrived in Florida, they were saying on the news that all the roads out of Florida, they were all gridlocked. The petrol stations were running dry. There was nowhere to fill your vehicle up. So, we thought, we're just going to have to hunker down and do—

William Hanson 0:28:59 And was Jay's house okay?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:01 Yes. Although there was a slight worrying moment. Again, when we were attaching all the hurricane um, shutters to the outside of all the windows, these big metal shutter things you had to put on, and we had to bolt them on. And then he said, trying to be reassuring, he said, um, do you want to see the roof? So he took me into the garage and opened this little kind of manhole in the ceiling, and he put some steps up there and said to me to go up.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:27 And I looked up there, and it was a very well-reinforced roof. I was very impressed, all the trusses and everything. Yeah. So, And he said, um, this roof is built to withstand winds of 185 miles an hour.

William Hanson 0:29:41 Wow.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:41 And I thought that's very reassuring.

William Hanson 0:29:43 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:43 Until I watched the news and they said that they were expecting 210 miles an hour.

William Hanson 0:29:47 Right.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:47 And then I had visions of the roof flying off. But thankfully, by the time it got to where we were, it had calmed down.

William Hanson 0:29:55 Oh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:55 So we were fine.

William Hanson 0:29:56 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:57 It was all good. But having said that, yeah, and the reason why I'm telling you this story is that On our side of the road, the electricity was only out for 24 hours.

William Hanson 0:30:06 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:06 On the other side of the road, a week on, they still hadn't got their electricity back on. So, that's the thing. That's why you must have your tins and your water.

William Hanson 0:30:15 Right. Well, I'm going to go and get some tins this weekend.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:17 Get some tins and some water, William. Be prepared. You're British.

William Hanson 0:30:21 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:22 Hannah says, hi, gents. I've just got back from the school run, opened my daughter's bag, to find her lovely artwork based on ancient Greece. I, however, had to chuckle myself, and I think you'll agree.

William Hanson 0:30:37 Now, describe what you see.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:46 Well, it looks like a big poo-poo. It's a great big poo-poo, isn't it? Yep.

William Hanson 0:30:53 It's meant to be an Ionic column. I believe.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:56 Right.

William Hanson 0:30:56 I think if I've got my columns right, that's meant to be Ionic, because it's got the curls at the top.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:01 Right.

William Hanson 0:31:01 Or is it Corinthian? Maybe it's Corinthian, actually.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:03 But it looks like a poo-poo.

William Hanson 0:31:05 Yeah. Who knows what Hannah's daughter was meant to be doing, but it predominantly looks like a Yule dog.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:11 Thanks for the superb pod. See you at Luxury Live London. Proud Silver member, Hannah Friend.

William Hanson 0:31:18 Aww.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:19 Oh, Hannah.

William Hanson 0:31:20 Well, Hannah, your daughter doesn't need to make us anything. Exactly. But that is very funny. We'll put that picture up on our Luxury Podcast.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:30 Well, I think that'll do, don't you, for this week, William?

William Hanson 0:31:33 I think it will.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:34 We've given an awful lot.

William Hanson 0:31:35 We have.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:36 It's not possible to give any more. We'll leave it there for now. We will, of course, be back next Wednesday.

William Hanson 0:31:40 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:41 Where we're going to talk about colds and flu.

William Hanson 0:31:44 Timely.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:45 How can you be ill in a luxury manner? But until then,