Funeral Tunes and Blancmange Sheets

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:01:05 Hello, and welcome to The Luxury Podcast. My name's Jonathan Vernon-Smith, and with me is William Hanson. This is the podcast that helps you live a

William Hanson 0:01:23 Hello, Jonathan and I are here to help you create everyday moments of luxury that make life worth living, whatever your budget.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:01:29 So, welcome to another bonus episode of The Luxury Podcast, where William and I will trade tips and stories from our own luxury lifestyles, as well as delving into our lovely great big mail sacks. So, William, you had a super duper week?

William Hanson 0:01:42 I've had a very super duper week, thank you very much. How have you been?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:01:46 Well, I've had a marvellous week as well.

William Hanson 0:01:48 Good. Been barbecuing?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:01:49 I've been barbecuing like a thing possessed.

William Hanson 0:01:52 Been lovely weather.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:01:53 I've been having soirees with you.

William Hanson 0:01:55 Have you?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:01:56 Yeah, on Friday.

William Hanson 0:01:58 Oh, I see. Not at yours.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:01:59 No. I was going to say. No, at Freddie's.

William Hanson 0:02:02 Yes, indeed. Freddie and George's and Joe's.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:04 We went for the luxury housewarming soiree, and it was lovely. I had far too much gin.

William Hanson 0:02:12 That doesn't sound like you.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:14 Was it noticeable? Because I was struggling to be able to speak towards the end.

William Hanson 0:02:19 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:20 I got on it early. I thought, I'm going to show these youngsters how you do it. Got on it early and then left.

William Hanson 0:02:27 Yes, you actually left relatively early.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:29 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:02:29 Yeah, that's fine. You had to come quite a long way to go there.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:32 Yeah, exactly.

William Hanson 0:02:33 Schlepping south of the river.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:34 Yeah. So, but it was quite nice to be back around there because of course I used to live in that area.

William Hanson 0:02:39 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:40 Yes.

William Hanson 0:02:40 Has it come on much or does it look the same?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:42 It looks very nice actually. It all looks much smarter. than it used to.

William Hanson 0:02:46 Well, since you left.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:47 In 1999, 2000.

William Hanson 0:02:50 Wow.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:51 That's when I was kind of—

William Hanson 0:02:52 How old were you, Freddie, in 1999? It's a twinkle in my parents' eyes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:58 Yeah, yeah. Well, I used to work— because, um, well, we better not say where Freddie lives.

William Hanson 0:03:04 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:04 But I— we drove through Mortlake, and I used to work in Mortlake.

William Hanson 0:03:09 At Oddbins.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:10 At Oddbins. That was where I used to serve Alid Jones, you know, Walking in the Air.

William Hanson 0:03:17 Yes, the snowman.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:18 He used to come in and have a regular bottle of red wine, and he'd ask me for tips. Hadn't got a clue what I was talking about. We used to have in Oddbins, we used to have all these nice little labels on the bottles saying things like big and bold and fruity.

William Hanson 0:03:32 That was just the staff.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:33 So I'd scan the shelves and I'd say, oh, how about this one? This is big and bold and fruity. And he'd take it, and he would always come back and he'd say, You were spot on with that. It was big and bold and fruity. As if I knew what I was talking about.

William Hanson 0:03:46 I love it. Nice. Well, yes, it was, it was a lovely soirée. It's very nice.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:51 It was.

William Hanson 0:03:51 Izzy was there as well.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:52 She was. I'm told there was a pork pie that appeared long after I'd gone.

William Hanson 0:03:57 Yeah, sadly.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:58 I love a pork pie.

William Hanson 0:03:59 No, I can't stand a pork pie.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:01 No?

William Hanson 0:04:01 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:01 Oh, I love it.

William Hanson 0:04:02 It's all that jelly.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:03 Oh yeah, and pork.

William Hanson 0:04:05 Yeah, well, that bit I can cope with, but the pastry is so dry.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:11 Oh, it's nice.

William Hanson 0:04:13 I guess if you could put some creamed horseradish on it, I might quite like it. I mean, I know that doesn't go with pork, but I, I, I'm, I'm a sucker for creamed horseradish.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:20 Well, the, uh, the pub where we've been going for our pre-production meeting, they do pork pies.

William Hanson 0:04:25 Yes, we had a good one

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:26 today. I think— Did you have a pork pie?

William Hanson 0:04:28 No, we had a good pre-production meeting, didn't we?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:29 Oh yes, yeah, we did. But I, I'd love— I was gonna say, when did you have a pork pie? I was there with you.

William Hanson 0:04:36 Pay attention.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:38 Yeah, but I, I'd like to have a pork pie when we're there sometime. No?

William Hanson 0:04:42 Well, you can have one. I don't need to.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:45 Okay.

William Hanson 0:04:45 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:47 So, you've had a good week?

William Hanson 0:04:48 Yes, lovely week. Preparing to go on holiday.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:51 Oh, where are you off to now?

William Hanson 0:04:52 Chicago.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:53 Oh yes, the Windy City.

William Hanson 0:04:55 Yes, which is not because there's a breeze.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:58 Oh no,

William Hanson 0:04:59 it's to do with filibustering in the Chicago State House.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:02 Really?

William Hanson 0:05:03 Fun fact. Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:04 I genuinely thought it was quite windy there.

William Hanson 0:05:06 It is actually, because it's on the edge of a lake, but it's to do with— it got its name from filibustering.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:11 Oh, right.

William Hanson 0:05:12 Which is the parliamentary process of trying to delay a piece of legislation coming into action by talking at great length.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:20 What will you be doing in Chicago?

William Hanson 0:05:22 Not— well, we have been doing a— we've done Chicago a few times. In fact, last time we were there, 2 years ago, if you remember, we got evacuated from the hotel.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:30 I do remember it well.

William Hanson 0:05:31 At 5:30 AM. So, we're hoping— same hotel— we're hoping that we do not get evacuated this time.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:37 It's funny, you going back to that same hotel.

William Hanson 0:05:39 You know me, I mean, you're a creature of habit. Excuse me! How long have you been going to Frigiliana in the same villa?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:45 Yeah, but I don't go to the same chain of hotels everywhere, do I?

William Hanson 0:05:49 Well, no, you just go to villas. Yes, we're going back there, and we'll just, you know, see the sights. There's some lovely restaurants.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:58 Oh, there?

William Hanson 0:05:59 We've got some friends that used— that we used to have in Manchester that moved to Chicago, so we'll see them. Just, you know, taking in the sights.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:05 Nice.

William Hanson 0:06:06 Yeah, it'd be lovely. You would like Chicago because it's very clean.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:09 Is it?

William Hanson 0:06:10 It's like a clean New York. Some beautiful architecture, immaculately clean. And do you know about the road system in Chicago, in the central bit?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:20 No.

William Hanson 0:06:20 So, obviously, Chicago had a fire way before I was born. Yeah, I think before you were born. It was about the 1800s, and they, um, I joke. And so they rebuilt Chicago, and they decided to raise the central bit up, and each road is duplicated, or not most major roads are duplicated 3 times. So on the surface, sort of the bit at, you know, ground level, is for short journeys from A to B. You're only going to be in the car for 5 or 10 minutes. If you're going across town, you take the exact same road underneath, and you can zip through at a faster speed. Right. And underneath that is a road for utility vehicles.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:01 Gosh.

William Hanson 0:07:02 So there's very little traffic in Chicago. Isn't that clever?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:05 That is very clever.

William Hanson 0:07:06 That's how cities should be built. Imagine doing that in London. I mean, you couldn't do that in London because we've got the Tube.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:10 Is there green space?

William Hanson 0:07:12 Very green. And the river is so blue.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:15 Is it?

William Hanson 0:07:15 It's a beautiful crystal blue. Almost— not quite tropical, but it's much bluer. It ain't the Thames, let's put it that way. Or the Hudson. No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:24 Well, maybe I will go and visit.

William Hanson 0:07:25 I generally think you would actually really like Chicago. It is immaculately clean.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:29 Well, Pat next door, my old neighbour, her friends live in Chicago.

William Hanson 0:07:34 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:34 And they live in what sounds like a terribly high-end pond court. It's a high-rise building, and when you retire, you can buy an apartment in this building. And there's, on different floors, there's different restaurants.

William Hanson 0:07:49 Oh, lovely.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:50 There's a gym, there's a doctor's surgery, there's a chiropodist. There's basically everything you could ever need for a retired person. And, uh, you move in there and you live this kind of luxury retired life. And then as you get older and more decrepit, you can then have more and more care that come to look after you.

William Hanson 0:08:13 Oh,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:14 so they just come and visit you, and they all live in the same building, you see.

William Hanson 0:08:17 That's great.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:18 So you keep independent living right through to the very end, you see.

William Hanson 0:08:21 In Chicago?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:22 In Chicago.

William Hanson 0:08:23 Well, we clearly like Chicago. Maybe that's where we should go.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:26 Maybe. I don't know that you pull an orange triangle for Dougie, though.

William Hanson 0:08:30 No. Probably something higher tech.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:32 Yes. A luxury pendant.

William Hanson 0:08:34 Well, you let me know where it is. I can go check it out when I'm there.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:36 Put your name down.

William Hanson 0:08:39 Bring back a brochure.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:41 Yeah. Like that time Frasier goes to look at the home with his father.

William Hanson 0:08:48 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:48 Do you remember that?

William Hanson 0:08:49 Yeah, yeah,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:49 yeah. We like that.

William Hanson 0:08:51 Okay, lovely. What else have you been getting up to?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:53 What else have I done? Well, a package arrived. Sent to the radio station where I work, but it's from one of our Bucketheads. It's

William Hanson 0:09:02 a brown box you've just put on the table.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:04 It is a brown box, and I should just say it arrived and it was a bit battered, and unfortunately everything inside is broken.

William Hanson 0:09:15 And it arrived broken.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:20 It did. And the thing is, when you see it, you're It's terrible that it's broken, because it's lovely. So much thought has gone into it. A little note here. Just a little something to show my appreciation for all the laughs. 4 each for JVS and William, based on some of my episodes and quotes.

William Hanson 0:09:41 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:42 Okay. And, but as I say, every one of them is broken. So, here's the first one. Now, they're biscuits.

William Hanson 0:09:52 Oh, nice.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:53 Luxury biscuits, they—

William Hanson 0:09:57 Never mind the neighbours, here's the sex people.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:00 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:10:01 And then, oh, it's amazing.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:04 Yeah. Now that's broken.

William Hanson 0:10:05 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:07 This one seems to have one of those lanyards.

William Hanson 0:10:10 It's a sunflower lanyard. It says, water, it makes me sick. Love the sunflower lanyard.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:22 There's a— oh, hang on, there's one that's not broken. Oh, you'll like that.

William Hanson 0:10:30 It's a gilt mirror/button that says, ring for Martini, and Martini is crossed out. It says, Dougie.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:35 Yeah. Right, what else have we got? We've got here a pigeon.

William Hanson 0:10:46 That says pervert on it, 'cause you think that pigeons are perverts, and you've got perverted pigeons. They are.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:52 Very horny. Oh, that one's for you. That is very much you. Look.

William Hanson 0:10:58 William Hanson, practically perfect in every way. Ah, and there's Mary Poppins with the umbrella. And it says halfway up the tape measure, throwing up out of a taxi dressed as a showgirl. I wasn't dressed as a showgirl.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:11 That one's not broken.

William Hanson 0:11:13 Oh, I love it. You look a bit like me. I— oh, maybe it is me. I'd better get that. It's bound to be JVS. Oh, that's lovely.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:21 It's you. You see, that one's not broken, thank goodness. This— now, these are lovely, but they're both broken.

William Hanson 0:11:28 Oh, hyacinth bouquet.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:29 Hyacinth bouquet.

William Hanson 0:11:30 A little photo frame.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:32 And yeah, that one's very broken.

William Hanson 0:11:36 Another hyacinth

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:37 bouquet

William Hanson 0:11:38 in a photo frame. What a lovely— thank you, Emma.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:40 Thank you very much, Emma. You've put so much effort into those, and they are lovely. It's just a great shame that the postal system broke them in transit.

William Hanson 0:11:49 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:49 But the thought was there.

William Hanson 0:11:51 The thought was there. This is so clever. I don't know how she did it.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:54 And there's still luxury in a broken way.

William Hanson 0:11:56 Yes, absolutely. Well, we'll enjoy some of those after the episode.

Speaker B 0:11:59 We certainly will.

William Hanson 0:12:00 Thank you. Also, talk about— I was in the middle of a wedding yesterday, and I suddenly get things from you with, please ensure these are used at my funeral. And you start sending through, JVS funeral jingle, brackets, coffin arrives.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:15 Yep.

William Hanson 0:12:15 JVS funeral jingle, coffin leaves, end song.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:19 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:12:20 And then I was— I sent you— I sort of went to the loo and sent a little text to say, you know, oh, thanks very much. I love it. Hilarious.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:28 I was planning my funeral.

William Hanson 0:12:29 Look at how many texts I get from you.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:32 Well, there's a lot to do.

William Hanson 0:12:33 I've asked my brother to do the sound and lighting.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:35 Sorry, you're doing my funny voice.

William Hanson 0:12:37 Yeah. Big speakers turned up very loud. Pyrotechnics on entrance and exit.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:41 Yes.

William Hanson 0:12:43 And I thought, okay, fine. I'm reading them on my watch whilst, you know, at the service. Would you please deliver my eulogy with my friend Doug, who will cover my early years? Lots of laughs, and please feed my most memorable lines in. Okay, maybe it's over. Nope, another text. I'd like it in the church with my ashes being buried in the churchyard.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:02 Mhm.

William Hanson 0:13:03 To which I did read that out to our friend the vicar, who's mentioned in the subsequent text, and he went, ah, I knew I'd win.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:08 Yeah, but it's only because I don't want it rushed. At the crematorium, they rush you.

William Hanson 0:13:16 Oh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:17 Whereas if I've got the church, I can book it for the day. There's no rushing me out of there.

William Hanson 0:13:21 Vicar Tom can do the service. Brackets, don't let him wang on, it's my special day.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:25 It's— well, you know what he's like, he'll go on and on and on.

William Hanson 0:13:28 About God.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:29 Exactly.

William Hanson 0:13:30 The whole thing will be broadcast live on BBC Three Counties Radio, naturally.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:34 Yeah. That's true.

William Hanson 0:13:35 There we go.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:36 Would you like to hear— I'm not going to play very much of it, but would you like to hear just a tiny bit of my Coffin Arrives?

William Hanson 0:13:42 Go on.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:43 It's quite—

William Hanson 0:13:44 I— well, I listened to this twice this morning, and I don't think it's the right music. I know what you've done, because it's sort of an homage to your jingles, but I don't think it sets— if you're— if you've got pallbearers—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:56 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:13:57 There's no sort of— it's too fast. You're going to be—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:00 No, no.

William Hanson 0:14:00 It's a 2-and-a-half-minute song, Jonathan.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:02 No.

William Hanson 0:14:03 Your parish church, the aisle is not that long.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:06 But what you don't know, and maybe I should have gone into more detail—

William Hanson 0:14:11 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:11 Is that I want— so picture the scene. Everyone's sitting sombre. Children will be weeping. All of a sudden, and my brother, who is an expert in sound and lighting, as you know, he will arrange for a sudden Huge blast of pyrotechnics, and the back doors of the church will swing open.

William Hanson 0:14:33 That's what he would've wanted.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:35 And as the back doors swing open, in I come. Oh no, hang on, that's all wrong.

William Hanson 0:14:42 Well, thank God you're not in charge.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:54 No, hang on. No, as the— so the doors swing open and— Imagine— down I come, down I come, you see? And the weeping will get louder and louder. Jonathan Vernon Smith, that's it, he is dead today. Okay. So—

William Hanson 0:15:27 I just don't think it's—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:28 What?

William Hanson 0:15:30 It's too camp.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:32 And I never thought— Oh, William, don't be silly. Nothing can be too camp. I want it to be the funeral of the century. People will talk about it long after I'm gone.

William Hanson 0:15:42 Into the next century.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:44 Yeah. And then when I go, do you want to hear the beginning of me leaving?

William Hanson 0:15:47 Well, we nearly just did, didn't we? Or was that something else?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:51 No, that was something else. Right, where are we? Coffin leaves.

William Hanson 0:15:54 Do you want me to find it for you?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:56 No, no, I've got it here. Oh no, here we go, Coffin Leaves, here we go. Right, ready? Jonathan Bird! Okay, did you get it?

William Hanson 0:16:16 Well,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:16 still got some more work to do on it, but I'm working on it.

William Hanson 0:16:19 Can't wait for you to die.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:20 Well, literally, as I was doing it, and I know this is going to sound very, very strange, but as I was planning it, I was actually quite excited. I messaged my brother. I've not heard back from him. I sent him a message. Honestly, it's very rude not to have responded. Where's my message I sent my brother? I said— because I sent him the music as well.

William Hanson 0:16:48 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:49 So that he could hear it.

William Hanson 0:16:52 To coordinate the pyros.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:53 That's right. And I said, please ensure these are used at my funeral. I'd like you to do the sound. So make sure— get ready with the beat machine. Make sure you don't fuck it up. Nice and loud. Big speakers, please. And some pyrotechnics when I arrive and leave.

William Hanson 0:17:14 And he hasn't messaged you back?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:16 He has not messaged me back. He probably thought, he's been on the gin again. Which I had.

William Hanson 0:17:22 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:23 But I think the best funeral is planned when you've been on the gin.

William Hanson 0:17:26 I was— when you said it, I thought you— there was going to be, uh, it was going to be a bit Jane McDonnelly, because I thought you wanted to go out to Jane McDonnell, blame it on the bossa nova.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:34 Well, that will be featured in, in the actual service.

William Hanson 0:17:37 Oh, I see.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:38 That will be when the dancers come on.

William Hanson 0:17:43 Not enough funerals have dancers.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:45 I want them up and down the aisle. Yeah. Honestly, it's gonna be so wonderful.

William Hanson 0:17:50 They could be the pallbearers as well.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:51 No, no, no, no. Oh, do you want professional? It's not a circus. For goodness' sake. No, I want proper professional pallbearers.

William Hanson 0:18:01 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:02 With weeping children at the front.

William Hanson 0:18:04 Right.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:04 I've told you. So anyway, well, just make sure it's a success, please.

William Hanson 0:18:09 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:09 Okay. All right.

William Hanson 0:18:11 Before we go to some messages from some very carefully selected sponsors, we just want to remind people that we are on Patreon. It's our luxury members club. There are 4 very distinct tiers you can choose from. And here's a clip if you want a little teaser of what you can expect if you're not already a member. My father always has, still to this day, Weetabix.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:31 Does he?

William Hanson 0:18:31 For as long as I've known him, his breakfast at home, one Weetabix.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:35 Oh.

William Hanson 0:18:35 And a bit of bran on top.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:37 Has he ever had it dry with butter?

William Hanson 0:18:39 No, I think that's fine.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:41 That is the best way to eat Weetabix.

William Hanson 0:18:43 Salted or unsalted?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:44 Salted.

William Hanson 0:18:45 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:45 Delicious.

William Hanson 0:18:46 With no milk?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:47 No milk. No, of course not milk.

William Hanson 0:18:48 Weetabix, last time I saw Weetabix out of a packet, it was a trunk. Since I used— they used to be like door wedges.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:54 Yeah, but that's 'cause you were little. You had little hands and a little mouth. Whereas now, you got those big old hands and that massive mouth.

William Hanson 0:19:04 Don't believe the rumours. Right.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:15 Okay.

William Hanson 0:19:15 Yeah, no, I haven't tried it with butter on. Oh, wow. Just with milk.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:19 It's the best way to eat it.

William Hanson 0:19:20 And all those, you know, sugar puffs or whatever you had, did you have milk on them?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:24 Yep.

William Hanson 0:19:24 Yep.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:25 And sugar.

William Hanson 0:19:26 Semi?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:26 I didn't think you could tell. Yeah, yeah, it's always semi. Always semi. Yeah, yeah.

William Hanson 0:19:37 Yeah, okay. Yeah, cereal doesn't do it for me.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:40 No. Cornflakes.

William Hanson 0:19:43 I

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:43 mean, a good old-fashioned bowl of Cornflakes with a little sprinkling of sugar, or maybe a little Canderel in the morning, Canderel in the evening, Canderel before suppertime.

William Hanson 0:19:56 Now, for those of us that weren't alive in the war,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:00 what was

William Hanson 0:20:01 that?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:15 Welcome back, Bucketheads. We're going to read your questions now, so let's dive into our heaving bags of post. Do remember, if there's something on your mind that needs a luxury touch, postman@luxurypodcast.co.uk is the place for your queries and your questions. Also, bit of a reminder, you can watch these episodes on Patreon if you're a sadist. Do join our Luxury Members Club. Just head over to luxurypodcast.co.uk.

William Hanson 0:22:57 I'm not a sadist, but I'm a sadist.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:01 Oh, very good, very good.

William Hanson 0:23:04 This is from Lou. Dearest Jonathan and William, harking back to your superb Afterlife episode— she said it was superb— got me thinking. Have you ever noticed how ghosts always appear luxury? They're always wearing classic regalia, court attire, ceremonial robes, period garments, and monarchical vestments. No one ever reports sighting a ghost wearing a hoodie, tracksuit, double denim, and certainly never carrying a Reebok backpack. Any ideas why this is? Love from Lou in North Devon.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:31 That's given me an idea.

William Hanson 0:23:33 What?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:33 For a top-of-the-coffin arrangement, just my Reebok backpack on the top of the coffin.

William Hanson 0:23:41 No, no, you can't go to all that effort with bespoke jingles, dancers, presumably in leotards or something, and then a Reebok tatty backpack on the top of your coffin.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:51 It will raise a smile.

Speaker G 0:23:53 You could do the rainbow strap though, To keep you

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:58 in? Wrap my coffin. That's very good. And my dad could tow me in like John Inman.

William Hanson 0:24:06 Yes, well, I think Lou's onto something, but I think it's probably because, you know, that sort of feeds into the medi— most ghosts sort of go back to mediaeval times, or seem to be.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:18 Well, ghosts don't exist.

William Hanson 0:24:20 I know.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:21 You know, so that's why, because Well, nah, it's just nonsense, isn't it? You never see a ghost wearing a shell suit.

William Hanson 0:24:30 You're looking a bit ghostly today, actually.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:33 Why?

William Hanson 0:24:33 You're in white.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:34 Yeah, but I've got a cracking tan. Let's not bring this up again.

William Hanson 0:24:38 I just don't think that's really that tanned.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:41 Are we gonna have to do this again?

William Hanson 0:24:44 No, I know I'm 3 sheets lighter than death, but you are—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:48 You are clunch. And I am virtually— well, I don't mean—

William Hanson 0:24:54 You're not radicchio. Let's avoid your faces.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:56 I think I might be just a touch of elephant's breath.

William Hanson 0:24:59 That's great! You will be at the end.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:02 With a browny tint.

William Hanson 0:25:03 Yeah. Ooh,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:05 I could have an open coffin! That would add a touch of zhuzh.

Speaker G 0:25:10 It would tan you up even more.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:11 Yeah! And ooh! I could get my brother to put some— not— what do you call it where it's got robotics in? And I could, at certain points, just sit up.

William Hanson 0:25:22 Animatronic.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:26 Animatronic!

William Hanson 0:25:28 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:28 What a good idea.

William Hanson 0:25:29 It could be like something from Disney.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:31 This is getting better and better. Elizabeth's been in touch. She says, dearest Jonathan and William, having bought some pure white 100% cotton bedding, because after all, that's what all the best people have, Plain white sheets. I decided to follow one of your laundry tips. As a devoted Silver member, I hang on to your every word. I'm not surprised. I put some Ace for Whites bleach into the dispenser drawer exactly as instructed. I'm worried about where this is going.

William Hanson 0:26:03 I've seen the photo.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:25 Oh, I, I put it. We've ruined her clothes, haven't we? There was nothing else in the wash apart from the white duvet cover and sheets. And look what's happened. Look what's happened. They've turned… They've turned pink. I can't live with this orange colour. It's making me queasy. These sheets have been washed plenty of times before, but this is the first time I've used bleach. The entire duvet cover has come out with a Pink tinge. You all right? Yeah. Have you ever come across this before? Any idea what might have caused it? And more importantly, is there anything I can do to get them white again? I'd be very grateful for any advice. Look at the state of it. Perhaps I could bring them to luxury. Perhaps I could bring them to Luxury Live or post them to the studio so you can both use your washerwoman knowledge to turn them white again. With love and hope, Elizabeth Ann.

William Hanson 0:28:12 It is. And let's— hopefully we can put this photo up on our Luxury Members

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:16 Club.

William Hanson 0:28:17 Now, Elizabeth Ann, have you tried Ace for Whites?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:21 I was gonna say, how— So hang on, what did she wash? She washed— Bedding. Just the bedding? White sheets?

William Hanson 0:28:28 I'm sorry, but there must have been something in there.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:30 No, I'm so— Ace for Whites would not turn your bedding pink. It would not.

William Hanson 0:28:35 Now, that said, Izzy, previously mentioned, was talking to me about Ace for Whites today, and she put it directly into the drum. And it— Oh,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:43 that's what I do. Oh! Yeah, yeah, I do.

William Hanson 0:28:45 No, I put it into the pre-wash cycle.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:47 No, I like to put it into the drum, But only just as you start it, because otherwise it would sit there for too long. But I put it, I put it into the drum and then get it going and it slooshes it all around because I'm always a bit worried that if you put it in the drawer, some of the residue might stay in the drawer. And then when you wash colours, you might get a little bit of that come through.

William Hanson 0:29:09 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:09 So I put it in the, in the drum.

William Hanson 0:29:12 Well, I'll try that. Do you think it's more effective in the drum?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:14 No, I don't think so. I think it just is a bit more protective for clothing you use afterwards.

William Hanson 0:29:20 Do you pour it on top of the laundry in the drum, or do you pour it—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:23 No, I just kind of put it in the, you know, just in the front. There'll be normally a little gap.

William Hanson 0:29:27 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:27 Just inside the door. Just put, sloosh a bit in there.

William Hanson 0:29:30 That's what I do with Ace for Colours.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:33 Ace for Colours.

William Hanson 0:29:34 That goes in the drum.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:35 Right. But I genuinely—

William Hanson 0:29:38 We're very sorry, but I'm convinced that's not us. More on Ace for Whites.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:41 Elizabeth Ann, there's something wrong there. But that is hilarious. What's happened in the middle of it as well? It's gone all kind of Dirty!

William Hanson 0:29:48 Or is that how it's been printed? Can you see that?

Speaker G 0:29:52 Not really.

William Hanson 0:29:54 There.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:55 That, it's got a big old—

Speaker G 0:29:56 That's the printer.

William Hanson 0:29:57 Oh, that's the printer, right.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:58 Oh, okay.

William Hanson 0:29:59 Well, at least that's not us.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:00 Oh, well, no, that, you can't have that bedding. That's awful. But that is hilarious. Sorry to laugh about your misfortune, Elizabeth Ann.

William Hanson 0:30:08 Have you tried, what's that bluing one?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:10 You don't want to put the bluing with that. You'll turn it purple. Honestly.

William Hanson 0:30:15 This is from Dale. Dear William and Jonathan, this morning while working out at the gym—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:22 Oh.

William Hanson 0:30:23 I was happily lifting away when a gentleman I'd never seen before approached the machine next to me. I noticed him trying to talk to me, and at first I assumed he was asking whether I was using the machine, as I was wearing noise-canceling headphones, an absolute necessity at this gym given the number of screamers. It turned out that he was trying to show me how to perform the exercise correctly because, in his opinion, I was doing it wrong, and was going to hurt myself. He then reached over to the machine while I was in the middle of my set, lowered the weight, and said, this will feel better than ego lifting.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:52 Oh!

William Hanson 0:30:53 I may not be an expert, but I'm certainly not an ego lifter. I've always prided myself on prioritising technique rather than trying to show off by lifting heavier weights than I can handle. Being described in that way really annoyed me, and I felt his behaviour was quite rude. I told him that I was fine and carried on with what I was doing. Should I have been more appreciative of his attempt to help, given that he clearly thought he was being helpful, or am I justified in feeling a bit miffed about the experience? I had never seen this man before. He was not a member of the gym staff, and I have no way of knowing whether his advice was even correct. Without being too unkind, he certainly did not strike me as an expert in weightlifting. Many thanks, Dale Wright from Rugby. That's rude.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:30 That's very rude.

William Hanson 0:31:31 That's so rude.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:32 And you should have come back with a catty comment.

William Hanson 0:31:34 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:35 As he was leaning across you, you should have said, would you mind just stepping back a little bit? There's something a little bit aromatic about you. Just something to bite back, because that is absolutely disgraceful.

William Hanson 0:31:49 It's not your ego that was ego. I mean, I have to say, the ego on the guy that came over thinking he knew better.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:55 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:31:55 And if you're going to— I mean, look, I'm not— this will come as a shock. I don't lift weights particularly.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:01 Do you not?

William Hanson 0:32:02 No. But I wouldn't, even if I did, I wouldn't dream of going over to someone in the gym and going, oh, I'd feel the need tell you that I know how to do this better, because I'm not qualified to do that. And it's their— it's them. And what happens if they do it the way I tell them, and then they injure themselves?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:17 I remember once when I went to the gym many years ago, I was using a machine that I later found out was for women for their private bits.

William Hanson 0:32:26 The abductor.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:27 The what?

William Hanson 0:32:28 Abductor.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:29 Well, it's a thing where you put your legs and you have to kind of squeeze your legs together.

William Hanson 0:32:33 Yeah, I love that one.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:34 And I was I was squeezing away, and a very big man came up to me with a vest on.

William Hanson 0:32:42 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:42 And I was squeezing, and as he came up, he said, they're for girls. And I said, I know. And I tried to style it out while I was still squeezing. But I'll be honest with you, William, that ruined my confidence at the gym.

William Hanson 0:32:56 Oh no.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:56 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:32:57 Was it this one?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:58 That's it. That's it. That's it. I was on that.

William Hanson 0:33:03 I love that one.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:04 Yeah. Yeah, I think it's for your pelvic floor.

William Hanson 0:33:07 It is, the abductor.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:09 Okay.

William Hanson 0:33:09 First did it in South Carolina.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:11 Well, I was on that and I quite liked it.

William Hanson 0:33:13 I think it's fun.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:14 Yeah, it feels nice. Do you know what? I think that's more than enough for this little bonus.

William Hanson 0:33:20 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:20 Haven't we had fun?

William Hanson 0:33:21 What fun! And let's tuck into some of these lovely biscuits.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:24 Yes, let's have a munch. We will of course be back next Wednesday where we're going to discuss department stores.

William Hanson 0:33:33 Lovely.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:33 Oh, I'm unnaturally excited. Until then, goodbye!