Pink Leotards and William’s Smutty Joke

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:01:34 Hello and welcome to The Luxury Podcast. My name's Jonathan Vernon-Smith, and with me is William Hanson. This is the podcast that helps you live a more luxury life. Hello, Jonathan and I are here to help you create the

William Hanson 0:01:52 everyday Moments of luxury that make life worth living, whatever your budget.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:01:57 So welcome to another bonus episode of The Luxury Podcast, where William and I will trade tips and stories from our own luxury lifestyles, as well as delving into our lovely great big overflowing capacious male sacks. So William, how's your week been?

William Hanson 0:02:12 It's been great. I'm just about recovered from our social media episode. What a hoot that was!

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:17 Didn't my sides nearly split?

William Hanson 0:02:20 And actually, do you know what? We missed a trick. I realised what is the most luxury form of social media.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:27 What's that?

William Hanson 0:02:28 Luxury Members Club.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:29 The Luxury Members Club.

William Hanson 0:02:31 I don't know why we didn't talk about that.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:33 And have you noticed, not only are our Luxury Members that all chat to one another so nice— They're lovely.

William Hanson 0:02:40 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:40 They're so nice. They're so funny as well.

William Hanson 0:02:42 They are.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:42 And they're on our wavelength.

William Hanson 0:02:44 They are.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:44 So, if Bucketheads, you You are on our wavelength. You feel as if you found your people. Well, there's more of them in our Luxury Members Club.

William Hanson 0:02:52 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:53 Just waiting to fraternise with you.

William Hanson 0:02:54 In a tasteful way.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:57 In a tasteful way.

William Hanson 0:02:58 Not in a green circle close friend sort

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:01 of way.

William Hanson 0:03:02 Who knows what we've started now?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:04 Yes.

William Hanson 0:03:05 Anyway, how is Betty? Because I believe she was having her little op.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:09 She had her op. I went to collect her. I was a little bit worried actually, because I went to my vet,

William Hanson 0:03:16 Who had moved and had gone so far away?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:18 Yes, an hour's drive away, my vet, but it was worth it. So, I went to the vet to collect her in the afternoon, and the vet said, oh, I'm not happy to release her just yet, so come back at about 5-ish. I want to keep her here for a bit longer.

William Hanson 0:03:34 So, did you have to kill time?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:35 Yes, I went to the pub. Well, what else do you do when you're trying to kill time? I went to the pub, and I worked Like an adult.

William Hanson 0:03:43 You were?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:43 Yes, I sat in the pub and I worked.

William Hanson 0:03:46 What did you do?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:47 I did some emails.

William Hanson 0:03:48 Oh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:48 Did some correspondence in the pub.

William Hanson 0:03:50 Get you.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:51 With a gin and slim. And then I went to collect Betty, and normally my Betty, she's boisterous.

William Hanson 0:03:59 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:59 And my vet, my lovely vet Julie, she said, I'll just go and get Betty. And out she came.

William Hanson 0:04:06 Aw.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:06 And she looked at me, and she looked at me with this face that said, Oh, I've had a horrible day. And I said, come on, Betty, let's get you home. Let's pay your £500 bill. Let's get you home. Let's get you in the car. So I got her in the car. I let her sit in the front footwell with her head on the seat so I could just stroke her head and talk to her.

William Hanson 0:04:28 Aw.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:28 And we went home and I put her little— she had a little pink leotard. So don't laugh at my Betty's leotard. And so I put her leotard and you know what she did? And I took a photo. She sat in the middle of the living room with her leotard on, just sitting there looking sad.

William Hanson 0:04:46 Can I see?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:47 Yeah. She sat there with a face on her that said, I've had a terrible day, and now I'm wearing a leotard!

William Hanson 0:04:57 Is she okay now?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:57 Yeah, she's absolutely fine. By the following day, I think, to be honest, a lot of it was—

William Hanson 0:05:01 The drugs.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:02 The drugs. Look at that. Look at her little face. Doesn't it say, I've had a terrible day. Look at my Betty, look. Yeah, so, uh, she's fine now and her wound is healing up. Had to stop her licking her wound.

William Hanson 0:05:20 Right, yeah. Was that the point of the leotard?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:23 Yes, stops it. It's rather than the cone of shame. It's the leotard is, uh, you know, I think—

William Hanson 0:05:28 The leotard of horror.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:29 It's a more jazzy way of stopping your dog licking their wound. And it's been marvellous. So, it's been good, and she's making a very good recovery.

William Hanson 0:05:38 Good.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:39 And yeah, she's fine. I mean, her personality hasn't changed. You know the way people say, oh, it will calm her down? No, she's still a lunatic. But no, she's nice. She's a good dog.

William Hanson 0:05:51 Okay, good, good. Nice. And we were talking a few weeks ago, I think now, we were talking about vegetables.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:57 Oh, yes.

William Hanson 0:05:58 And now, I haven't started with the potatoes yet, Mainly because I do actually need you to come around with your brushless impact drill and do those holes in the thing.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:06 Oh, well, I'm seeing you tomorrow, but not at your home.

William Hanson 0:06:10 No, I don't know if I can turn up with a great big pot plant.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:14 Well, if you do, I'll bring my drill and I could drill it out the back.

William Hanson 0:06:18 I mean, there'll be worse going on at that party. Yeah, I can't take that because I'm having to schlep south of the river. I

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:36 can't.

William Hanson 0:06:37 No. No, that is— it's tempting.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:39 When am I next seeing you at yours?

William Hanson 0:06:42 Well, for my soiree in like a month's time.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:44 Oh, you need me to come down sooner?

William Hanson 0:06:46 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:47 I'll pop down sometime.

William Hanson 0:06:49 We'll do a weekend. Yeah. What are you doing this Sunday? Oh no, you've got— you've got business.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:53 No, I can't do Sunday. But I'll do another day. I'll pop down with my brushless impact. Great. And drill a couple of holes there.

William Hanson 0:07:00 Because then I can grow potatoes. The cucumbers, however— Are they doing well? Oh God, do you want to see my cucumber?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:05 Show me.

William Hanson 0:07:06 I'm sorry for those that I did this on Sexted, but you know, it's August, we haven't got much content.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:10 Oh nice.

William Hanson 0:07:13 Look at that.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:14 Nice. That is what I call luxury lumpy. That's like my Cecil's cucumbers, my next-door neighbour.

William Hanson 0:07:21 I didn't realise that cucumbers are sort of quite— when you actually pluck them, they're spiky.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:25 They're spiky, yeah.

William Hanson 0:07:26 And then they drop off.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:27 The ones you get in the supermarket are very different.

William Hanson 0:07:30 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:30 But when you go to Spain, when you come to Frigg, you'll see that the cucumbers are like that. They don't have the ones we have. They've got kind of the—

William Hanson 0:07:38 Because I thought when it grows, they'd like be in the cellophane.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:43 Yeah. But no, they're kind of lumpy, aren't they?

William Hanson 0:07:46 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:46 And delicious.

William Hanson 0:07:48 I haven't eaten it yet, but—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:49 Oh, have you not?

William Hanson 0:07:49 Planning. I only picked it yesterday.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:51 Oh, nice. What are you gonna do with it? Have a nice salad. Yeah. Eventually. Oh, nice. What do you mean, eventually?

William Hanson 0:07:59 I'm doing a smutty joke.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:06 That was so cute, the way you said, I'm doing a smutty joke. Yeah, I know.

William Hanson 0:08:17 Ugh. Ugh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:19 Ugh. Don't go ramming the salad at Williams.

William Hanson 0:08:21 Not for me. Now you're free, Sunday.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:27 Oh, I tell you what though, I'd sniff your cucumber.

William Hanson 0:08:35 I might take it to the party tomorrow night.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:39 Yeah. Oh yeah, do.

William Hanson 0:08:42 Yeah. It can be a hostess gift. Look at me, I've grown my own cucumber for you.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:46 Watch their eyes light up.

William Hanson 0:08:48 Who needs wine?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:48 Well, it looks a lovely size.

William Hanson 0:08:52 Yes, thank you. There are some other ones, but they're very small. I'm worried that the plants are going to just do like one. Oh, where I was filming earlier on this week though, they have a cucumber patch. It put ours to shame. Look at that. That is a cucumber patch.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:08 What, growing up the wall? Well,

William Hanson 0:09:10 it's on like canes, but yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:11 Are you sure they're not runner beans?

William Hanson 0:09:13 No, no, they're cucumbers, because I looked in. Look, you can see them.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:16 I thought cucumbers grew along the floor.

William Hanson 0:09:20 No, these are growing up.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:21 Oh, look at that.

William Hanson 0:09:22 It's quite impressive.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:23 Well, there you go. Yeah, well done. And of course, if you brought them down to me, because you know I've gone Kamado.

William Hanson 0:09:29 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:30 I've brought— I've bought a, uh, a new vegetable grate for my Kamado.

William Hanson 0:09:35 Gosh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:36 So you can put slices, not cucumber, but courgette. Maybe you should branch out into courgettes now.

William Hanson 0:09:42 It's the same principle as a cucumber.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:44 Yeah, I don't— what is the difference between a cucumber and a courgette? Kind of the same family, aren't they?

William Hanson 0:09:50 And I guess you grow them in a very similar way.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:51 You do nice strips of courgette, put them on the old vegetable grate.

William Hanson 0:09:55 And the whole point of the vegetable grate is what?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:58 Stops it falling through.

William Hanson 0:09:59 Falling through, because the normal Kamado grate is too big.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:01 Yeah, so things like asparagus, tenderstem broccoli.

William Hanson 0:10:06 Oh, your asparagus would drop through, wouldn't it?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:07 Yeah, exactly. So you put it on the vegetable grate and it keeps it all there. Lovely, beautiful flavour.

William Hanson 0:10:14 Lovely.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:14 Gorgeous. I'm loving my barbecue at the moment. Absolutely loving it.

William Hanson 0:10:18 Clearly. I'm

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:18 out there all the time.

William Hanson 0:10:20 Are you barbecuing for me in— I know you're not doing a Kamado in Frigg, but are we going out all 3 nights?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:25 I think so, yeah.

William Hanson 0:10:26 Okay, fine.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:26 I mean, we are going to have lunch at the villa.

William Hanson 0:10:28 Okay, and what do you normally do for a Spanish lunch?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:31 Well, should we talk about your— because I was kind of thinking about your first day, because I'd like us to plan it.

William Hanson 0:10:36 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:37 I'd like to know where we stand. What time do you land? What's your flight?

William Hanson 0:10:41 10:45 local time.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:42 10:45? Lovely. All right, so 10:45. So I'll get there for Well, by the time you've done your EU thing and you've gone through passport and got your bag— are you bringing a check-in bag?

William Hanson 0:10:55 Of course.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:55 Of course you are.

William Hanson 0:10:55 I don't stand with all that only, you know, carry-on nonsense.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:59 I will plan to arrive at the airport for half past 11.

William Hanson 0:11:04 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:04 I'll park the car, and I'll be ready to greet you as you come through.

William Hanson 0:11:08 Now, I should be first off the plane.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:09 Why is that?

William Hanson 0:11:10 Because I'm sitting at the front.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:11 The front?

William Hanson 0:11:13 Yes, I'm seat 1A.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:14 Are you joking? Yes. You're literally the first seat on the plane?

William Hanson 0:11:19 I'm 1A.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:20 Gosh.

William Hanson 0:11:20 So actually, I won't be the first off, because I guess 1C would be the first off, because it's closest to the aisle. But I'll be the second off the plane.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:26 So you've decided to go business class to Malaga?

William Hanson 0:11:28 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:29 Right.

William Hanson 0:11:29 What's wrong with that?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:30 Okay, that's a very normal thing to do on a 2-hour and 20-minute flight.

William Hanson 0:11:34 I go business to Amsterdam.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:36 Good. What's the point?

William Hanson 0:11:39 You feel superior to other people.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:41 When they pull that curtain. Yeah. Bye-bye, losers! Right.

William Hanson 0:11:47 Yeah, peasants.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:48 Well, when you get off the plane, run.

William Hanson 0:11:50 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:51 Run as fast as you can, because— what? That's so funny.

William Hanson 0:11:56 Why do I need to run?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:57 Run. Be first at the computer, because you've got to do your fingerprints.

William Hanson 0:12:02 I did that going to France the other day.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:04 No, you have to do it again, I think.

William Hanson 0:12:06 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:07 And I find, you know the way I am with Instagram, where there's a sense of you feel a bit sorry for me and you want to help. Be a bit like that when you do the fingerprints.

William Hanson 0:12:19 But I don't look like, you know—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:21 Just kind of do it. You say, oh, I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what I'm doing. And they'll come over and do it for you.

William Hanson 0:12:26 What? How? Well, then it's their— That's what I did. But then it's their fingerprints.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:29 No, no, no. So I did— I started putting my fingers. I said, oh, I don't know what I'm doing here. And this lady came over. She said— and she starts tapping. She did all my dates and everything, did put my fingers on there.

William Hanson 0:12:40 What dates do you have to put in?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:41 You have to do the date you arrive and the date you leave. They want to make sure you've gone.

William Hanson 0:12:46 God.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:46 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:12:47 Nothing says welcome more, does it?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:48 No. Um, I mean, you

William Hanson 0:12:50 don't— we didn't have to do— we like— is that normal? I mean, because I thought that whole thing is just— it was sort of going back to how it was pre-Brexit.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:58 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:12:58 You didn't have to do that.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:59 No, no, it's not pre-Brexit. They're making sure you've come in and gone out and you haven't overstayed your welcome.

William Hanson 0:13:06 What happens if your plans change?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:07 Well, I don't know actually, but it makes it easier on the way when you leave.

William Hanson 0:13:12 What happens if you lose me off the yacht?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:14 What'll

William Hanson 0:13:16 happen?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:16 Don't worry.

William Hanson 0:13:17 You'll have the authorities.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:18 I shall send a boy overboard for you.

William Hanson 0:13:22 Good.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:23 But I'll pick you up then, and then we'll drive back. Now, what do you want to do? Do you want me to take you to the Balcon so you can drop your stuff, or shall we go straight to the villa for an alfresco munchette over the pool?

William Hanson 0:13:35 Well, I don't think— seeing how busy the Balcon supposedly is, it's difficult to get a room— I don't think my room is going to be ready. So, what's the point of going to the hotel?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:44 Okay.

William Hanson 0:13:44 We might as well just go straight to Frigg.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:47 Okay.

William Hanson 0:13:47 And then go back later to freshen up before dinner.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:50 Okay, lovely.

William Hanson 0:13:50 That's what I'd suggest.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:51 So, we'll have an alfresco lunch.

William Hanson 0:13:54 What are we having?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:55 Well, I mean, probably just what I call a Frigiliana lunch.

William Hanson 0:13:59 Okay, what is that?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:00 Selection of cold meats.

William Hanson 0:14:02 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:03 Some cherry tomatoes, bit of brie. Call me old-fashioned, a bit of brie.

William Hanson 0:14:07 Lovely. What else?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:08 Um, some freshly cut figs, nice with the brie. Very nice. Keeps you regular. Very important. And, uh, some nice crunchy bread.

William Hanson 0:14:20 Lovely.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:20 And a bottle or two of wine. I think that would be a very nice way just for you to settle in.

William Hanson 0:14:27 A chutney?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:27 Do you want a chutney? No, you don't go to Spain for a chutney. Don't go for a chutney.

William Hanson 0:14:32 Pâté?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:32 We could have some pâté. Do you want some pâté?

William Hanson 0:14:34 Yeah, pâté would be nice.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:35 Yes, okay, so we can do that.

William Hanson 0:14:36 Pâté and a bit of chutney. Like a caramelised onion chutney, not a Branson pickle.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:40 Okay, so we'll have a lunch. We'll have—

William Hanson 0:14:43 Spanish omelette?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:43 A few— yes, actually, because the owner of the villa, she's so lovely.

William Hanson 0:14:49 Yeah,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:49 Maria. She's already said, let me know when you're coming and I'll whip up one of my tortillas.

William Hanson 0:14:54 Great.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:55 She is fantastic at the old tortilla. So hopefully there'll be a ready-made tortilla for you.

William Hanson 0:15:00 Good.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:01 And then I thought we could have a lunch.

William Hanson 0:15:03 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:04 And then after the lunch, rather than sunbathing on that day, I think we should get you straight down to Nurkhe. Let's get you down to Nurkhe.

William Hanson 0:15:13 When are we going around the back of the Mercadona?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:15 Well, we could go on the way to Nurkhe, couldn't we?

William Hanson 0:15:17 Yeah, I think we need a good hour.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:19 Up the Mercadona?

William Hanson 0:15:21 Just to do the cleaning products.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:22 You might be quite tired because you will have had a long journey, and then we will have polished off 2 bottles.

William Hanson 0:15:26 Not in business.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:27 Oh, okay.

William Hanson 0:15:29 Reduces the time.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:31 Well, we'll go to the Mercadona then.

William Hanson 0:15:32 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:32 And then I'll take you to the balcony, and you can then, I think, drop your bag, and we'll do a mini tour of Nerja.

William Hanson 0:15:41 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:41 So you know you've got your bearings. Do you think this is good, Rodrigo? Yes. We'll do a little tour of Nerja.

William Hanson 0:15:48 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:48 Then I'll take you back, and then I'll leave you, and you can then get yourself all freshened up, do everything you need to do, And then I'll come back and pick you up for dinner.

William Hanson 0:15:59 Gosh, you're going back out? And from Nürcher to Frigg is 20 minutes?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:02 Yeah, about that.

William Hanson 0:16:03 Gosh, that's a lot of driving.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:04 Up and down like a yoghurt.

William Hanson 0:16:05 You're having wine?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:06 Well, I won't be able to have wine, will I?

William Hanson 0:16:08 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:09 No, you'll drink the wine.

William Hanson 0:16:10 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:11 I'll just lick it.

William Hanson 0:16:13 I'll be like the Dowager Lady Ursula's homemade gooseberry wine.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:19 That's right, yeah. Or I might hire a driver.

William Hanson 0:16:24 Yeah. Nice.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:24 So, we'll do that on day 1, and then out for a bite to eat. I think we're going out in Frigg, actually.

William Hanson 0:16:31 And is that the Italian?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:31 No, no, Spanish.

William Hanson 0:16:34 Oh, I thought you told me you were taking me to an Italian restaurant. That's Saturday.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:37 Oh, sorry. It's not Italian anyway. It's European. It's European. Why are you pulling a funny face, Jeremy? How can it be European?

William Hanson 0:16:45 'Cause, yeah, but German food versus French food versus Italian versus Spanish is very different.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:50 It's largely Italian. The owner is Italian. But I don't think— it's not just Italian. Mediterranean. Mediterranean. It's a Mediterranean grill.

William Hanson 0:17:01 Oh,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:01 yeah. You'll like it. You know Rodrigo. The place that we went? Yes. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

William Hanson 0:17:07 What did you eat, Rodrigo?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:08 Pasta.

William Hanson 0:17:12 It's Italian.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:14 It is Italian. No, but you've got to have the steak. Got to have the steak.

William Hanson 0:17:19 I might want pasta.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:19 Oh, they do a delicious steak. And the chips are ridiculously crispy. It's very, very nice. So, we'll go there for our, uh, that will be our second night.

William Hanson 0:17:31 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:32 On the Sunday, I'm not sure where we're going to go for dinner yet. I've got a couple of ideas, but I want you to get your bearings, and then you can decide.

William Hanson 0:17:42 Okay. And the restaurant is in Frigg on night one?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:44 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:17:44 And then in Nørre night two?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:46 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:17:46 Okay, fine.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:47 So, on the Sunday, you can decide where you want to go. And I'm sure we can get you in somewhere. Okay?

William Hanson 0:17:54 Lovely. And which is the restaurant by the seafront that there was the accident in?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:58 No, that wasn't by the seafront. That was up in Frigg.

William Hanson 0:18:00 Oh, right.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:01 That's where we went, wasn't it, Rodrigo? Yeah. And the night after we went there with Rodrigo—

William Hanson 0:18:07 Rodrigo, are you losing the will to live?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:09 There was someone got— someone got mowed down.

William Hanson 0:18:12 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:12 Well, in fact, everyone got mowed down. Yeah, you should go there. Do you

William Hanson 0:18:24 want me to get mowed down, Rodrigo?

Speaker F 0:18:25 Great view.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:26 Yeah, great view.

William Hanson 0:18:29 From the stretcher.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:30 Yeah, the air ambulance gives you a real lovely bird's-eye view. We could get you in one of those, you know, the kind of beds that they then winch up into the helicopter. We could get them to do a drive-by. Yeah. Oh yeah, well, we are going to have such a Giggle.

William Hanson 0:19:09 It's gonna be great.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:10 Isn't it? Yeah. Which other supermarkets do you want to go to?

William Hanson 0:19:15 Do you want to take me up deer?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:16 Oh, I'm going to take you up deer. Do you want to go up deer?

William Hanson 0:19:19 I mean, of all the things we're doing, I would say that can be lower down on the priority list.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:25 Right. When are we going on our yacht?

William Hanson 0:19:27 Well, when I book

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:30 it. You've not chartered the yacht yet?

William Hanson 0:19:33 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:33 How do you— but you leave everything for the last minute, William.

William Hanson 0:19:37 Why can't you charter the yacht?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:38 You can't just leave these things

William Hanson 0:19:41 I've been very busy.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:42 Yes, but William—

William Hanson 0:19:43 I've been on board another ship.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:45 We're going to one of the most sought-after tourist destinations in the Costa del Sol, for goodness' sake! When are you gonna wake up?

William Hanson 0:19:53 Right, you're in charge of yacht.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:54 Okay.

William Hanson 0:19:55 Okay?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:55 All right.

William Hanson 0:19:56 I managed to get me in the Balcon. You can do the yacht.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:59 I'll do the yacht.

William Hanson 0:20:00 And you book the yacht maybe for Sunday. I think Saturday we record our episodes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:04 Right.

William Hanson 0:20:05 Sunday we can then just record a yacht smash.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:07 A yacht smash?

William Hanson 0:20:08 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:10 Mm. Well, let's hope you don't sustain an injury on the yacht, because you're not staying for long after that, are you?

William Hanson 0:20:15 No, I'm going the next day.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:16 Yeah?

William Hanson 0:20:17 Mm.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:17 Gosh. It's gonna go like lightning. We're gonna have so much fun.

William Hanson 0:20:21 Hopefully, yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:13 Welcome back, Bucketheads. We're going to read your questions now, so let's dive into our heaving bags of post. Remember, if there's something on your mind that needs a luxury touch, postman@luxurypodcast.co.uk is the place for your queries and your questions. Also, little reminder, you can watch these episodes on Patreon if you, if you join our Luxury Members Club. Just head over to luxurypodcast.co.uk to join.

William Hanson 0:22:41 This one is from Claire. Dear William and Jonathan, I wonder if you might be able to settle a matter, matter of considerable importance. It has become apparent that there are people who believe all dining tables are equal. This cannot possibly be true. Surely there must be a hierarchy.

William Hanson 0:22:54 A round table has undeniable advantages. Conversation flows, nobody is exiled to the far end, and there is obvious— and there is no obvious head of the table, which feels pleasingly understated. A rectangular table, however, carries a certain gravitas. It suggests one occasionally entertains ambassadors, despite in reality only ever seating 6 people. Then there is the oval table.

William Hanson 0:23:16 I remain deeply suspicious of oval tables. It strikes me as the furniture equivalent of saying, I couldn't decide. Is it simply a round table that has been stretched in the wash, or a rectangular table trying rather too hard to appear approachable? So my question is this: which shape of dining table is the most luxurious? I await your ruling before making what now feels like an alarmingly consequential purchase.

William Hanson 0:23:36 Yours in anticipation, Claire.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:38 Hmm, it's a very good question, actually. I have a rectangle.

William Hanson 0:23:43 Yes, you do.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:44 But I do like a round.

William Hanson 0:23:46 You see, we'd have both. We have rectangular inside, we're round outside.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:50 I know you are.

William Hanson 0:23:50 And that means that we can flip-flop between styles, and I quite like that.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:53 Round is very— I think it's very sociable.

William Hanson 0:23:57 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:58 Isn't it round?

William Hanson 0:23:58 My father is a great advocate for a round table.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:01 Um,

William Hanson 0:24:03 but I don't have one, but he likes them.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:05 I think you have to have the right space for a round one because typically a round one takes up more room than a rectangular one, doesn't it?

William Hanson 0:24:14 Yes, it does. Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:15 Um, so you need to have a big room with the table, I would say, you know, probably in the middle. You can have a nice big round table.

William Hanson 0:24:22 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:22 Uh, rectangular table is what I have, and it's— mine is an extender, so I can take it— what? Why are you laughing? I've got it. I've got flaps, and I just— I can pop my flaps up and I can turn it from a 6-person—

William Hanson 0:24:38 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:39 Into a 10-person table.

William Hanson 0:24:41 Mine goes to 12.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:42 Really? I could probably squeeze. I haven't got enough chairs for 12.

William Hanson 0:24:45 No, you don't. No, no.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:46 So, uh, but no, it's very— it's a handy little feature.

William Hanson 0:24:51 Yeah,

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:52 to put those extra flaps in and expand it out.

William Hanson 0:24:55 And you just— you extend via flaps, we extend via leaves.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:58 Yeah, that's what I mean.

William Hanson 0:24:59 Oh, okay, fine.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:00 The leaves live underneath it, and you kind of pull the table and then pull the leaves out, and they slot in, and then it goes back in.

William Hanson 0:25:06 Yeah, that's good. No, and then, yeah, you're right. I mean, don't go for oval. I think the cabinet table is oval, at Number 10 Downing Street, but I think that's just— obviously, they're not eating there. That's designed so that everyone can basically see everyone, and obviously, the shape of the room is rectangular, so they can't put in a round table.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:22 No, but, um, yeah, well, I think stick to round or rectangular. That would be the luxury style of dining table.

William Hanson 0:25:31 Your space is going to dictate what you can do.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:33 Exactly. Anonymous has been in touch. Oh, Anonymous. Why are they anonymous? Let's read on and find out, shall we? Hi guys. Is this to the right podcast? I'm after some advice. I've listened to your show from day one, and I feel sure I've come to the right place. I've been in over 50 X-rated adult films and have found it hard to find the perfect partner. However, I have And for the first time last week, I went to the mother-in-law's for a barbecue. Well, after a few beers—

William Hanson 0:26:10 Spit roast.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:11 She approached me and she whispered in my

William Hanson 0:26:16 ear.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:17 She whispered, I've seen your movies. I went red-faced. You see, I've not told my current girlfriend about my past, as I don't want her to leave me like the others did. But I also don't want the mother-in-law to tell her. Please help. This has been sent to the wrong podcast.

William Hanson 0:26:39 Yeah, this does feel like my other life.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:45 Yeah. Are you sure this is the right one? Did it come to us?

Speaker A 0:26:49 Yes.

William Hanson 0:26:49 Maybe they sent it to both. Oh, my heart goes out for this person.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:53 Well, I mean, nobody forced you to be an adult's Porn star, did they?

William Hanson 0:26:58 Maybe they did, you never know.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:59 Well, all right, well, they don't sound particularly press-ganged into it. So, I mean, you've got to—

William Hanson 0:27:06 Well, they were in one of the films.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:07 So, I'm afraid you've got to— I mean, you should have been honest right from the start, because it was inevitable it was going to come out.

William Hanson 0:27:18 I know. And the fact he says, I don't want my current girlfriend to know because I don't want her to leave me. Oh, bless him.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:24 Well, she probably will.

William Hanson 0:27:25 I don't know. I wouldn't be so judgy.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:31 Well, hang on. Well, I think—

William Hanson 0:27:33 Do you know what I would do? I would say to the mother— I mean, obviously mortifying, the mother-in-law has come over and said that to you.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:38 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:27:38 I'm not judging the mother-in-law watching those films. I'm just saying it's mortifying that she— it just, you know, of all the films in all the places, that those are the ones that she had to watch. I would say to the mother-in-law, PDQ, I would say, I haven't yet told daughter, my girlfriend. I will be, but I'd rather she finds out from me than you. Would you mind awfully just letting me tell her?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:02 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:28:03 Because I just want to explain the full story to her. And if the mother-in-law is a nice, decent person, she will say yes. And if she's not, well, you know, if you do split up, you haven't lost anything in terms of her.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:14 I think the information we haven't got from your email, anonymous, is— What

William Hanson 0:28:18 are the names of the

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:21 Is whether you're still doing it or whether you've quit.

William Hanson 0:28:26 Yeah, I mean, if you're still doing it.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:28 If you're still doing it, she's gonna leave you. She is.

William Hanson 0:28:32 She may not judge.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:34 Would you want to be in a relationship with a porn star? Ask a stupid question. Depends if you're carrying— if you're carrying on, you really should have been upfront right from the beginning because she's probably not— she's not going to react well.

William Hanson 0:28:52 Upfront right from the beginning was film 49.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:55 Yeah, she's probably not going to be very happy if it's your kind of current job that you're doing. I, I don't imagine. I mean, she might be. I might be very wrong. I might be being a very conservative old prude here.

William Hanson 0:29:07 I think you might be a little bit.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:09 But, um, I, I very much doubt she's gonna like it. But if you say, oh, well, that's in the past now. Now I've met you, you know, I don't— It's all behind me. Yeah, exactly. I've got a very nice job working for British Gas. So, you know, if you say something like that, she'll be fine. Yeah, but it all depends. But you've got to tell her sooner rather than later.

William Hanson 0:29:28 Yes, you do. Don't— it's going to be— and hey, and if she does judge, that's on her, not on you.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:33 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:29:34 This is from Dale. Dear William and Jonathan, or is that Jonathan and William? When addressing letters, cards, or emails to multiple people, is there a correct order to place the names? I personally would normally start with the longer name first, but being the youngest of 3 siblings and with the shortest name, I was always last. Was young me right to feel a bit put out by this? I do also find myself placing the female name first, as I have the feeling the man's is too traditional and possibly slightly misogynistic, although I'm quite possibly overthinking this and it really doesn't matter to anyone else. Dale, from Rugby, quite close to Binley Woods.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:04 Oh.

William Hanson 0:30:07 Well, with a family, So, my parents, you know, growing up, we were always Brian, Sarah, William, and James because it was man, Mr., and Mrs., children in age of birth. Because originally, they would have written Christmas cards to Brian and Sarah and William.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:30:20 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:30:21 The good old days. And then when James— I'm joking, James.

William Hanson 0:30:24 And then when James came along, James was added on. So, I think doing the children in alphabetical order, not in alphabetical order, in order of birth, is totally normal. I think it becomes weird if you're putting a certain child at the end because they have a shorter name. I think then you would feel right to be snubbed. But if Dale is the youngest, then that seems fine.

William Hanson 0:30:42 But in terms of, you know, some of my friends are Bill and Ben, and others we call them Ben and Bill. So, I just like— we mix it up. On envelopes, I will always style the names alphabetically by surname. So, if it's Smith and Jones, it would be Jones and Smith, Mr. and Mrs. Jones and Smith, etc.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:01 Yes, it's funny, isn't

William Hanson 0:31:02 it?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:03 I think most of the time, uh, for me, what What matters is who I knew first or who I know more. So, for example, you are William and Mikey.

William Hanson 0:31:14 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:15 But I would imagine some of Mikey's friends that found, you know, met you after they'd already known Mikey would refer to you as Mikey and William.

William Hanson 0:31:22 Exactly.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:23 So, I think that's how it very often works. With— I find it interesting, you know, when you meet a couple and then you just kind of associate that couple in a certain order.

William Hanson 0:31:35 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:35 you know, maybe neighbours you meet, you know, Brian and Joan who live next door, or whoever it may be. Um, and I think that, that often depends because my next-door neighbours but one, I always refer to as Jill and William rather than William and Jill, and I don't really know why. Just kind of—

William Hanson 0:31:53 Combine the two, Jilliam.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:31:54 Jilliam. Yes, Jilliam. Yeah. So, I don't— it's not automatically the husband's name first. I don't know Just seems to work.

William Hanson 0:32:03 Yeah, but I wouldn't overthink it. It's also just whatever sounds— some couples' names work better one way than they do the other.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:10 Very true.

William Hanson 0:32:10 It doesn't really matter. Very true.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:12 Yeah, what a nice note to leave this bonus on.

William Hanson 0:32:14 Thank you, Dale.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:15 I think that'll do for today. We will of course be back next Wednesday. This is going to be rather exciting. We're going to discuss fantasy dinner parties.

William Hanson 0:32:25 Oh! And you know what? I'm not going to give the I'm not gonna give the obvious answers, I've decided.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:30 Oh, intriguing.

William Hanson 0:32:32 I don't know what answers I'm gonna give, but I'm gonna try not to give the obvious answers.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:32:35 Well, until then, goodbye!