Help That’s Not My Man Porridge | And Spanish Ironing Boards

Jordan 0:02:09 Hello and welcome to Help I Sexed My Boss, the podcast where we help you navigate the challenges of modern life, answering your 21st century questions and finding solutions to those everyday dilemmas. Like, what should you do when you meet someone with a limp handshake? Or, how do you tell the tradie that the tea you've offered isn't an invitation for a quickie? And of course, what should you do if you accidentally sexted your boss? But we're not usual agony aunts, are we, William Hanson?

William 0:02:42 No, we're not, Jordan North. I'm more Royal Elite. You're more Uber Eats. That's from Matty in Bolton.

Jordan 0:02:48 Very good. That's some very nice fun.

William 0:02:51 Don't blame me. I'm just reading it out. How the dickens are you?

Jordan 0:02:54 Yeah, I'm good. I'm good.

William 0:02:55 Can I just say, this is my idea of absolute heaven, working on a bank holiday. I have said for years I can't stand bank holidays. The fact that I'm working, the fact we are doing this, where previously you have been all, oh no, give over, people, bank holidays, nice. Fabulous. Literally, this might be my favourite ever day we've ever done at Sex Ed, and we haven't even started the episode.

Jordan 0:03:16 Famously, years ago, and if you go back, you should be able to find it, I— we had a massive argument because you said, I hate bank holidays.

William 0:03:23 I do.

Jordan 0:03:23 And now I'm there, like, now I'm feeling like they can be a bit of a waste of a day, can't they? Yeah,

William 0:03:30 yeah, I've said what I would do if you are on— because I get it, look, I get it, I'm freelance, I sort of can have holidays whenever I like, I'm very fortunate. If you are salaried and you've got your 20 X days holiday allowance, what the government should do is legislate that employers have to— if you get 3, forget Christmas and all that, if you get 3, you've got 2 in May, 1 in August, just give employees 3 extra days of their holiday allowance and they can then take it off whenever they want. That's what I'd do.

Jordan 0:03:57 Can we have a drink?

William 0:03:59 Stuart, you employ people. Would you go for that? Yeah. He says sure. Great. Vote it through. Andy, if you're listening.

Jordan 0:04:06 Now, last week, yes, um, you said you'd never tried dandelion and burdock.

William 0:04:12 Oh, for God's sake. I knew we'd end up doing this.

Jordan 0:04:14 And Izzy's left us a little package, and I'm, I'm gonna be honest with you, G and Divas, we're all absolutely hanging out of our arses.

William 0:04:21 I'm fine.

Jordan 0:04:22 So we've got a— oh, a nice cold of dandelion and burdock. In a fish and chip. Oh, it's Ben Shaw's as well.

William 0:04:29 It's whose?

Jordan 0:04:31 Man United. Never knew that.

William 0:04:34 Hi, guys.

Jordan 0:04:34 Hello, Ben. Hi, Ben. It's Luke Shaw. Luke Shaw.

William 0:04:37 £2.75 for that.

Jordan 0:04:39 Is that how much a tin of— Jeez. How do you want to do this then? Do you want me to pour it in?

William 0:04:43 Well, can I— What is— Oh God, it looks like Coca-Cola.

Jordan 0:04:47 You'll love it.

William 0:04:48 No, I don't like Coca-Cola. No, no, just one glass, because that's gonna do, Gene.

Jordan 0:04:51 Right, well, you have it in that and I'll have it out the can. Because I'm hanging out of my feta.

William 0:04:56 Is this alcoholic?

Jordan 0:04:57 No, it's dandelion and burdock.

William 0:05:00 What's burdock?

Jordan 0:05:01 I don't know, just try it.

William 0:05:03 Oh God, it stinks.

Jordan 0:05:08 Oh, oh, that takes me back.

William 0:05:09 Oh, it's fizzy. I mean, I can see it's fizzy, but it's really fizzy.

Jordan 0:05:11 That takes me back to a Friday night, that. Chippy tea, Mum and Dad going out.

William 0:05:16 You'd have that with fish and chips.

Jordan 0:05:18 Watching WWE. Oh.

William 0:05:21 Oh, you were watching Sabrina the Teenage Witch. Stop it.

Jordan 0:05:24 Hear me out. Hear me out. I never liked Sabrina the Teenage Witch. I never liked it.

William 0:05:30 I watched all 13 series and I still didn't like it.

Jordan 0:05:32 I honestly didn't. I found it a bit meh. The cat did me head in. It was always on after school and I never liked it.

William 0:05:38 Well, I'm so glad I've tried that, but can we just stick to the G&D?

Jordan 0:05:42 Yeah, alright.

William 0:05:43 We don't even have ice, 'cause everyone's

Jordan 0:05:45 off. I'll down that so you can pour mine in there. Right. Whilst William pours gin and a bonnet—

William 0:05:50 Should we just do a toast?

Jordan 0:05:51 Yeah, go on.

William 0:05:52 Well, do you want— unless you're going to say something.

Jordan 0:05:54 No, no, no.

William 0:05:55 Pre-toast. Well, I've done my gin and a bonnet. You let me know when you want me to do yours. Let me just read this. Um, it goes— this— the toast goes to Meghan via her sister Lara. To the Sex Ed team, I'm not writing with a dilemma, but instead with a shout out for my wonderful sister Meghan. She was the person who introduced me to the podcast years ago and has been a loyal G&Diva. She's also been to see you live twice, including one of your very early shows in Bristol. Meghan always knows how to make me laugh, but also the person I know I can go to with absolutely anything. There's really no such thing as TMI between us, and I know that whatever I tell her, I'll always be met with kindness rather than judgement. She has such a warm and reassuring presence, and I'm incredibly grateful to have her in my life. So, please, can you toast her? That's lovely. So, Meghan, via your sister Lara, this is to you.

Jordan 0:06:41 To you,

William 0:06:42 Meghan.

Jordan 0:06:42 I'm going to drink this. What did you— I'm going to drink this.

William 0:06:44 You're doing Daniel Lanyon Burdock.

Jordan 0:06:47 What did you think of the deadline in Burdock?

William 0:06:48 It's not for me.

Jordan 0:06:49 No?

William 0:06:49 No. All that, and I think that D's off.

Jordan 0:06:51 All right, G and D.

William 0:06:52 Other than that, it's going really well.

Jordan 0:06:53 I am gonna level with you, I'm very, very hungover today. Um, at the time recording, it's Bank Holiday Monday. I was out last night, got in at half 1. You were out last night. What time did you get in?

William 0:07:07 Well, actually, actually, I probably got in at quarter to 2 because by the time I got in a taxi, but I left the place at 1 AM.

Jordan 0:07:13 Producer Ben, you were out last night?

Ben 0:07:14 Yeah, I was too as well.

Jordan 0:07:16 Jesus Christ, we're not— we're too old for this.

William 0:07:18 Stu, what time did you go to bed? I was in bed at half 9. Half 9.

Jordan 0:07:21 God.

William 0:07:21 At least one of us is professional. But I'm fine. I've literally— I mean, I had a lot of coffee this morning and some electrolytes.

Jordan 0:07:28 So I've had, uh— I bet you watched bloody Victoria Coram Mitchell in bed last night, didn't you? What is it called again?

William 0:07:36 Only Can I.

Jordan 0:07:36 Only Can I. I've got one of them wants on it. And once I was convinced it was Wolverhampton Wanderers defenders, and it weren't. It

William 0:07:46 was something like ancient kings.

Jordan 0:07:47 Steve Ball, he played up front for Wolves. Steve, it's Wolves, Wolves players, Wolves strikers. They're like ancient Greeks or something. Um, so I've had an electrolyte, a black coffee, and an Alka-Seltzer.

William 0:08:00 Right.

Jordan 0:08:01 And a dandelion and burdock, and I still feel like shit. I can't do it.

William 0:08:05 Well, you knew you had work today.

Jordan 0:08:06 I can't do it anymore.

William 0:08:08 You did actually ask for, um, 11 o'clock. We were originally going to be meeting at 11 AM, and you did a few weeks ago go, could that please be 12 PM?

Jordan 0:08:16 12.

William 0:08:16 It's fine.

Jordan 0:08:18 Yeah.

William 0:08:18 I'll adjust.

Jordan 0:08:19 I haven't done this for ages. I can't remember the last time I've been in work hungover.

William 0:08:25 I mean, I went out last Thursday and was working on Friday, so yeah, I had an interview with a newspaper.

Jordan 0:08:30 Do you know what?

William 0:08:32 It's the new me.

Jordan 0:08:32 It might have to be a little afternoon pint, this one. Just—

William 0:08:37 I don't know if that's the solution.

Jordan 0:08:38 No, sometimes a pint or two just takes the edge off. I think I might have to go to a pub after this.

William 0:08:44 Okay, well, I won't stop you.

Jordan 0:08:46 And don't judge me up north, might even have to be a lager top. I'm joking. I've never had a lager top in my fucking life, and I don't plan on doing it. The day I have lager tops, the day you can call me Jordan South. Never had a lager top in me life. Thank you. Anyway, how are you? How was Chicago?

William 0:09:02 Chicago was fine, thank you. Bought this top. Yeah, it's my Chicago top. Um, uh, so yeah, we had a lovely time. Thank you. It's such a lovely city, as you know. The weather was gorgeous. Um, little, little bit of a drama, um, in that— well, I was actually ill, but minor drama. It didn't, um, didn't really affect too much of the holiday. Only one thing I had to miss.

Jordan 0:09:23 Bow fence?

William 0:09:24 No, no, no, just a virusy thing.

Jordan 0:09:25 Oh, okay.

William 0:09:26 Just a bit gunky, a bit run down. Um, so obviously— what?

Jordan 0:09:31 What was gunky?

William 0:09:33 My throat.

Jordan 0:09:34 Oh, right, okay.

William 0:09:35 Yeah, I'm sort of— my nasal passage and, you know, all that connected.

Jordan 0:09:38 All right, please.

William 0:09:39 You asked! Don't, don't get all please.

Jordan 0:09:41 I actually feel sick.

William 0:09:42 So, as you know, America is the home of the Martini. It's where it was invented. So, and obviously I ordered one. In fact, I ordered several. But on one evening, I said, to the barman, you know, I gave my martini order, very dry with a twist, Tanqueray 10, and he brings it, and it's got olives in it, and it's murky. So, it's obviously the wrong order. It's a dirty martini.

Jordan 0:10:04 It's a dirty martini.

William 0:10:05 So, I said, oh, I'm so sorry to be difficult. I did actually ask for it with a twist. He went, oh, okay, great, no problem, leaves it there, and I thought, okay, maybe he's doing the sort of the hospitality thing of you set the new one, and then you take away the old, which is sort of an industry standard. But he comes over 2 minutes later with a little glass dish of lemon twists and just drops one in.

Jordan 0:10:26 Oh,

William 0:10:27 no, no, I'm so sorry, that does need to be an entirely new drink. So, thus, that was taken away. But really, I mean, they know not what they do.

Jordan 0:10:37 So, I see how most people listening, and me as well, probably would have just been, thanks, cheers, and whatever.

William 0:10:45 No, because what happens if I'm allergic to olives? Like, you don't— most people, like, I don't like the taste of olives. The only time I have done a dirty martini, I threw up about a minute later.

Jordan 0:10:54 Can I ask why you went to Chicago and not like Europe? 'Cause that's what most people do in a holiday.

William 0:10:58 It's flipping expensive.

Jordan 0:10:59 It's not to go to— Mikey and I—

William 0:11:01 I was travelling on a display. Yeah, fine, and you were staying with family. But Mikey and I priced up a holiday to Europe, and it was 4 times the price, whereas on air miles, we went over and did a whole week for half the price.

Jordan 0:11:12 I bet if you went with Jet2 or EasyJet—

William 0:11:14 They don't fly to Chicago.

Jordan 0:11:15 You could have got a real good package holiday you can trust. I'm just saying.

William 0:11:22 Who died and made you Thomas Cook?

Jordan 0:11:23 Well, I'm just saying. It's actually TUI nowadays. You could have gone with TUI.

William 0:11:27 I went to Paris in April.

Jordan 0:11:28 Yeah, but I just think August is for Europe. So I did a week in Ibiza.

William 0:11:32 Jordan, you didn't— respectfully, and I mean this really nicely— you didn't grow up going to America. I had family in America, so I'm very attached to America. So I would always go to— I'd spend my summers in America, and that's just That's my lived experience. Your lived experience is Europe.

Jordan 0:11:47 Yeah, all right, fair enough. But I did a week in Ibiza, which was great.

William 0:11:51 Lovely.

Jordan 0:11:52 Seen some old Radio 1 friends, which was great. So, seen Arielle. Lovely. She's great. She's looked after us. She introduced me to a new card game. Oh, Ben, I'm going to get you and Kat over to play it. Oh, what's it called? Google Australian Cardgate. Oh, I've just ordered it. Hang on, I'll tell you. She got me into this, her and George, a fella. Oh, honestly, G&D-verse, it's up there with Monopoly Deal. Where's me Amazon?

Ben 0:12:21 What about Shithead?

Jordan 0:12:22 No, it's not Shithead.

Ben 0:12:23 It is 500?

Jordan 0:12:25 No, uh, it's so good.

William 0:12:28 Oh, I forgot to— I've got a gift for you, talking of Amazon. I'll bring it in next week.

Jordan 0:12:32 Oh, it's called Arriving Thursday. No, no, no, no, it's called, um, What's it called? It says they're arriving Thursday. So,

Ben 0:12:44 have you ordered it from the other side of the world?

William 0:12:46 It's from Australia.

Jordan 0:12:48 Five Crowns.

Ben 0:12:49 Five Crowns.

Jordan 0:12:50 Five Crowns. It's really good. So, did that. Sin Vic.

William 0:12:53 Sorry, hang on. Sorry, we've waited 3 minutes for you to find out the name of that. Could you tell us about the game?

Jordan 0:12:57 Well, it's very similar to Jim Runny. Rummy.

William 0:13:02 Gin Rummy.

Jordan 0:13:02 Gin Rummy.

William 0:13:03 Yeah.

Jordan 0:13:04 But it's not that. It's really good. So, we played that.

William 0:13:06 What's Gin Rummy?

Jordan 0:13:07 We played it, we went round at like 3 in the afternoon, started off. up for and finished at like 1 in the morning. It's just, they're so good. I've never played a card game like that.

William 0:13:15 And is it like cards, like playing cards, or is it—

Jordan 0:13:17 Yeah, yeah, yeah, but it's a 2-pack. It's a special pack. You need, you need them. 2-pack. 2-pack. Um, did that, uh, seen everyone. Beautiful. Uh, I had beautiful meals and stuff, then went to mainland Spain.

William 0:13:31 Lovely.

Jordan 0:13:32 And you know I won't hear a bad word said about the Spanish now, you know. I will not hear—

William 0:13:37 Jordan, you're famous for it.

Jordan 0:13:39 A bad word said about the Spanish.

William 0:13:40 Famous for that, and also you make it no secret that you love every city in the UK. That's the other thing.

Jordan 0:13:45 Okay, right. I will not hear a bad word said about the Spanish. However, their ironing boards need sorting out, because every hotel ironing board in Spain nearly takes a fucking finger off for me.

William 0:13:57 Oh, the mechanism?

Jordan 0:13:58 Nearly. Lying in—

William 0:14:00 Naked?

Jordan 0:14:01 Yeah. Fucking hell.

William 0:14:03 Not much left.

Jordan 0:14:04 It was close. It wafted past, it brushed past it, and I thought, my knob nearly just come off then.

William 0:14:10 El Nobbo.

Jordan 0:14:12 Yeah, El Nobbo. That's what they would have called me around Spain. El No Nobbo. So every day, like every time I go to Spain, the ironing boards, they can't, they don't go down like ours. They're a hazard.

William 0:14:25 What's Spanish for ironing board?

Jordan 0:14:27 No idea.

William 0:14:28 Rodrigo, what's Spanish for ironing board? Tabla de plancha. Ooh, doesn't that sound nice? Tabla de what?

Ben 0:14:36 Tabla de plancha.

William 0:14:37 Plancha.

Jordan 0:14:38 Should've gone down to reception and said, ay, tabla de plancha just nearly had me knob off.

William 0:14:41 Plancha.

Jordan 0:14:42 Plancha. Anyway.

William 0:14:44 With a P.

Jordan 0:14:44 Plancha.

William 0:14:46 Sorry, my French.

Ben 0:14:47 How would you say in Spanish, the ironing board just nearly took me knob off?

William 0:14:51 We'll give you a minute, Rodrigo.

Jordan 0:14:54 How would I say that in Spanish, Rodrigo?

William 0:14:58 Ow, I think.

Jordan 0:14:59 What would I say, Rodrigo? And then I had— and I found this as well. And again, if you're listening in Spain, I love you and I do plan on moving out there. The shower tap, right, it's never quite hot, it's never quite cold. It either scalds you or it's too cold, right? And one day I'm like on my knees and I got it perfect. I'm like, don't touch that, it's perfect.

William 0:15:24 Why were you on your knees?

Jordan 0:15:25 Right, and I was like screwing it and then get it, got it perfect. So don't touch that, it's spot on, right? And then every day I'd come to shower at night and the bloody cleaner would clean it and then put it back to like the setting. Oh, so I'm stalking—

William 0:15:37 Fucking staff.

Jordan 0:15:38 I'm stalking out like, like a sniper for 2 days and I caught her in the act and she couldn't speak a word of English and I couldn't speak a word of Spanish. I'm going See that shower tap there? When you clean, Glassy, as much as Glassy does a very good job, when you clean, don't turn it back to the middle. Just keep it there because it's perfect. Sí señor, sí señor. I'm like, just there. Keep it there. And I'm like showing her, keep it there. No clean, no clean. Sí señor, sí señor.

William 0:16:11 And the next day—

Jordan 0:16:12 Fucking moved it back. Moved it back.

William 0:16:14 Could you not have used one of those translation apps and played her the request?

Jordan 0:16:18 No.

William 0:16:19 That's what I'd do.

Jordan 0:16:20 Should have done, but I thought I'd explained it. I was like, see, you're doing a great job. But yeah, so other than that, ironing boards and shower taps, I won't hear a bad word said about this one. What else been going on?

William 0:16:29 Well, oh, well, I tell you what, Mikey, our favourite thing we did in Chicago, we went to the new— and I know, I mean, I did think as I was going there, I took a picture, we'll put it on our carousel. I thought Jordan would not understand this, but there was a new Barnes& Noble bookshop that opened in the city centre.

Jordan 0:16:45 Oh.

William 0:16:45 Barnes& Noble, it's their version of Waterstones.

Jordan 0:16:48 Is that like your Dandelion& Burdock?

William 0:16:49 No, Barnes& Noble is a bookshop, but it's the first time there's been a Barnes& Noble in the city centre since COVID They're all sort of outside, and Mike and I always say about Chicago, in the couple of times we've been there, needs a good bookshop in the centre. Didn't have one. And then we turn up, we're walking on the first day around, and we pass it, on Wednesday, New Barnes Noble opening. So we went for opening day.

Jordan 0:17:12 Oh, wow.

William 0:17:12 Yeah, which was very exciting.

Jordan 0:17:14 Don't waste your holidays, dear.

William 0:17:16 No, they were stocking Just Good Manners, which I was thrilled about. So that was nice, the paperback.

Ben 0:17:20 Shocked they've not sold them out.

Jordan 0:17:23 Did you sign it?

William 0:17:24 No, I try not to sign the paperbacks.

Jordan 0:17:27 Why?

William 0:17:28 No, I do. I just— no, I didn't have— I was on holiday, Jordan. I wasn't working. And unlike you, I don't carry a Sharpie around.

Jordan 0:17:34 Also, speaking of which, when did When did someone take a picture of my books in my living room and post it on Instagram?

William 0:17:40 I did.

Jordan 0:17:41 Well, you know I don't like me house being posted.

William 0:17:45 I've got a— on, um—

Jordan 0:17:47 And like a weird combination. I only realised once you posted it, it was like Nick Grimshaw's book.

William 0:17:54 Book about the BBC. A

Jordan 0:17:55 book about the BBC.

William 0:17:56 Yeah.

Jordan 0:17:56 Still to read. I bought that when we went to that hotel in January.

William 0:18:00 Oh yeah. That was a nice bookshop.

Jordan 0:18:02 That was a nice bookshop. Yeah.

William 0:18:04 Well, sorry.

Jordan 0:18:06 Well.

William 0:18:06 Did you feel your privacy— I mean, it was mainly my books or our books. I didn't feel it was much of a privacy breach.

Ben 0:18:12 Have you found your microwave yet?

Jordan 0:18:13 Yes. It was Izzy.

William 0:18:16 I don't think it was.

Jordan 0:18:17 Someone hid it behind the bath. In the bath. It was Izzy.

William 0:18:21 What bath?

Jordan 0:18:23 There it is.

William 0:18:23 The other thing, talking of drinks, and we had it in Chicago, and I know you're a big proponent of this. I'm going to say it. I don't like chilled reds.

Jordan 0:18:33 I disagree. It's got—

William 0:18:34 Right. I sort of get it.

Jordan 0:18:39 A Rioja, a full-bodied red, should be chilled.

William 0:18:41 If you are outside in Spain in heat, I sort of get it because it's hot outside. But when you're in an air-conditioned restaurant in Chicago, I do not want my red wine chilled. I want it room temperature, chambre. Like red wine is generally meant to be, and has been for years.

Jordan 0:19:01 No, not all reds can be chilled. And when we say chilled, don't— I'm not an expert here.

William 0:19:07 Not fresh out the fridge.

Jordan 0:19:08 Yeah. It's not like a white wine or a rosé's gotta be ice cold, really chilled. A red has just gotta be cold.

William 0:19:15 Slightly disagree on the white wine.

Jordan 0:19:16 Yeah, you gotta have that white wine really cold. Chilled. with ice, put it in the freezer and then take it out before, but a red should be just—

William 0:19:25 You put— Hang on, you put the white wine in the freezer?

Jordan 0:19:27 Achoo!

William 0:19:28 Can we get a message to your father, please? I do not think he would agree with putting white wine in a freezer before you drink it.

Jordan 0:19:34 Yeah.

Ben 0:19:34 What they say about red wine is—

Jordan 0:19:36 Yeah, your dad's the expert.

Ben 0:19:38 On the chilled front is that obviously you are supposed to drink it at room temperature. That's pretty agreed upon. But back in the day, Hundreds of years ago, room temperature, much colder than it was today.

Jordan 0:19:50 Ah, yeah.

Ben 0:19:51 So this idea of it being warm, as you're saying, doesn't stand up to tradition.

William 0:19:58 No, I don't want it warm. I just don't want it cold.

Ben 0:20:00 How do you like your martinis?

Jordan 0:20:01 Chilled.

William 0:20:02 Ice cold.

Jordan 0:20:03 There you go.

Ben 0:20:03 There we go.

Jordan 0:20:04 And none of you are going to bless me, by the way.

Ben 0:20:06 Bless you.

Jordan 0:20:06 Thank you.

William 0:20:07 I think actually— oh, do you wish to do that for an etiquette commodity? Please make a note. The bless you thing, I think it's outdated. Because the whole bless you thing— I'll do a bonus one now for you. Here's Williams.

Jordan 0:20:17 Oh, I know everyone knows this because they thought it was the— The play. Soul leaving your body.

William 0:20:21 And on the basis that I don't think that your soul is leaving your body, I don't think you need to say bless you or draw attention to it.

Jordan 0:20:28 Right, I don't think we need to say break a leg in the West End.

William 0:20:31 Well, just as well, you won't be hearing it.

Jordan 0:20:35 Oh, before we move on, do I still look— sorry, Ben, go on.

Ben 0:20:38 I was just gonna pick up on, obviously in the last Tuesday episode you recorded, I was at Boomtown, um, and there was a question that came up. Were you not here? Sorry?

William 0:20:48 Were you not here?

Ben 0:20:49 No, no, I wasn't here. I was, I was away. Um, and we obviously, I don't know, William, I don't know if you've been to a festival.

Jordan 0:20:55 Is his voice making your hangover worse?

Ben 0:20:57 But, um, but obviously at a festival you've got like 5 days together. There's only 4 of us, so the conversation did get a bit desperate at times. Um, and conversation came on to Jordan's performance in Toy Story 5.

William 0:21:09 Oh, yes.

Ben 0:21:09 Um, and my friend Leonie wondered if when you were in Toy Story 5, obviously you were a garden gnome, if you were method or not. Like, did you sort of get into the character by standing around in your garden?

Jordan 0:21:21 I stood at the back of the garden with a fishing rod for—

Ben 0:21:24 For days.

Jordan 0:21:25 For a few days to get into character.

Ben 0:21:27 Okay.

William 0:21:28 Sean went to the zoo, stood on one leg.

Jordan 0:21:29 Yeah, that's— I did get into character. I did take it very serious. No, no, no, don't sit there! Quick, before they come back!

William 0:21:37 It's on Disney+. Do you know that yet?

Jordan 0:21:38 I'm not—

William 0:21:41 Are you the official spokesman?

Jordan 0:21:43 I don't know if I can say this, but someone I know very well might have watched it, but watched it on a dodgy box. So— And I will report them to Disney.

William 0:21:54 Yes, I would.

Jordan 0:21:55 I will. Watched it. Had all the kids saying, right, it's coming up, and it was the American version, so I'm not in that. That said— It

William 0:22:05 was their fault for watching it illegally.

Jordan 0:22:06 Exactly. Exactly.

William 0:22:08 Yeah, they've only got themselves to blame. Final thing, when we're on our flight— oh, and also shout out to George, who was lovely. Female George, who looked after us and was very excited that Mikey and I were on the flight. I noticed, now I've— it's always— I've noticed this all the time, the entertainment screen will flash up as you're sort of landing and they're going through that routine of, you know, take your seats, cabin crew seats, it flashes up, entertainment will be available up until 20 minutes after landing. And then it got me thinking, does anyone actually ever think, I've got 20 minutes left of this film I really want to see, I'm just gonna— The plane has landed, everyone's disembarking, and there is someone sitting there watching the end of Deadpool.

Jordan 0:22:51 Has anyone ever done that? Gathering round you, feet, feet!

William 0:22:54 Because I have a lovely time on planes. Everyone looks, you know, the hospitality is great. I get that. But the moment it lands and those drawers are open, I would like to leave. I do not— I can't think of anything worse than sitting there and finishing off an episode of Modern Family, however much I love Modern Family. Who does that?

Jordan 0:23:10 Sorry, where are you going to next? Well, I've got an hour of Shawshank Redemption, so…

William 0:23:15 And I know we have one or two cabin crew that listen to us. Could you let us know?

Jordan 0:23:19 Yeah.

William 0:23:19 Are there any passengers that sit there transfixed to watch what they're watching? I'd love to know if that actually is a thing. Why is it available 20 minutes after landing?

Jordan 0:23:28 I met many lovely Gene Deavers on holiday. Oh yeah, you guys are the best.

William 0:23:32 Count on it.

Jordan 0:23:33 There was one that was listening to us. Oh,

William 0:23:36 on holiday? Not just on the aircraft? Yeah.

Jordan 0:23:38 So it's great. Before we move on, I still owe you money for that gas for the barbecue.

William 0:23:43 Yeah. Do you wanna do it now?

Jordan 0:23:44 I'll sort it out after.

William 0:23:46 Do you wanna do it now?

Jordan 0:23:46 Well, alright.

William 0:23:48 Do you wanna do it now?

Jordan 0:23:50 You're not that desperate. You're doing alright, aren't you?

William 0:23:52 Not in the West End anymore, so, you know.

Jordan 0:23:54 Alright. You're gonna add interest. How much is it? You're being weird because you've given me—

William 0:23:59 I've texted you twice about this.

Jordan 0:24:00 You've given me 3 different prices. Once it was 40, then it was 50, then it was 60. Just give me a fucking price and I'll pay it.

William 0:24:05 70.

Jordan 0:24:06 How much was it?

William 0:24:08 I think it was about 70.

Jordan 0:24:09 I don't wanna bout. Just tell me how much it was.

William 0:24:12 £72.

Jordan 0:24:13 Was it actually? 50. Was it actually?

William 0:24:15 £72.50.

Jordan 0:24:16 Right, I'll pay it.

Ben 0:24:17 It was £55 last week.

Jordan 0:24:18 I know, he's making it up. Can I just— can you just tell me how much it was and I'll pay you? I might see if I can stretch—

William 0:24:24 I've gotta go back weeks in my transactions to find it.

Jordan 0:24:26 June Divas, I might see if I can stretch this out till Christmas.

William 0:24:29 You will anyway, you won't need to try.

Jordan 0:24:33 I'll sort you out. It's good to be back.

William 0:24:35 It's lovely to be back.

Jordan 0:24:36 It's good to be back. It's September now. It's a new season.

William 0:24:39 Big day tomorrow.

Jordan 0:24:41 Have you seen all the— Why? What you doing? Oh, it's your birthday!

William 0:24:49 Thank you very much.

Jordan 0:24:49 Oh, shit!

William 0:24:50 You coming to the dinner?

Jordan 0:24:51 Why didn't you tell me? I would have got you a card. Oh, shit. Let me put that off.

William 0:24:55 It's alright, you can still post it tomorrow and it'll arrive on Wednesday, so it's fine.

Jordan 0:24:58 I'll do you a big moon pig.

William 0:25:00 No, you really don't need to.

Jordan 0:25:02 Oh, William, I'm sorry.

William 0:25:04 You can just pay me.

Jordan 0:25:06 William birthday.

William 0:25:07 Add on a zero and we'll call it quits.

Jordan 0:25:09 Oh, I'm so sorry. Happy birthday for tomorrow.

William 0:25:12 Thank you so much.

Jordan 0:25:13 Happy birthday. 32. For tomorrow. Why didn't you tell me?

William 0:25:19 No. Because it's normally I have to remind Jordan about people's birthdays, so I felt—

Jordan 0:25:23 Yeah, why didn't you remind me?

William 0:25:24 I can't go, by the way, it's my birthday.

Jordan 0:25:26 Just to let you know it's my birthday tomorrow. I'm gonna put you a card. On the 2nd of September.

William 0:25:29 National William Day.

Jordan 0:25:29 I'll get you a candle or something. I'm so sorry. Happy birthday.

William 0:25:32 Thank you.

Jordan 0:25:32 Happy birthday.

William 0:25:33 Thank you.

Jordan 0:25:34 Alright, let's move on.

William 0:25:35 Well, it's Jordan's Jolly Joke of the Week. What more of a present could I— could I want?

Jordan 0:25:40 And because it's your birthday—

William 0:25:42 You're gonna skip it.

Jordan 0:25:42 I've got you a Disney-themed one that you're gonna love.

William 0:25:45 Don't say it's Mary Poppins, supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.

Jordan 0:25:47 No, it's a class one, this.

William 0:25:50 Well, shall we have the jingle whilst you scroll through your phone?

Speaker F 0:25:52 If you like a chap who's cheeky and northern, you're in for a treat. Bosh bosh, with our Jordan. And if a giggle is what you seek, you're sure to love Jordan's Jolly Joke of the Week. Cha-cha-cha-cha, cha-cha-cha-cha-cha, cha-cha-cha-cha-cha.

Jordan 0:26:08 Mickey and Minnie Mouse are getting a divorce, and the divorce lawyer turns to Mickey and says, listen, Mickey, there's no way you can work things out by any chance, is there? And I'll tell you the punchline after the break.

Jordan 0:29:20 All right, Gene Divas, thanks for sticking with us. It's now time for Jordan's Jolly Joke of the Week. This one's from Hannah Grace on Insta. Thanks, Hannah. She says, uh, William's a big Disney fan, so you'll love this. Mickey and Minnie are getting a divorce. The divorce lawyer turns to Mickey and says, listen, mate, is there no way you can work this out? Mickey says, no, I'm done. The divorce lawyer says, thing is, you can't use her being a bit wacky as a reason to divorce her. And Mickey says, what you on about? The divorce lawyer says, well, you said you want to leave her because she's a bit wacky. And Mickey says, no. I said, I'm leaving her because she's fucking goofy. It's a good one. It is, yeah. There you go. Wow. Hannah, that's a great one for a new term.

William 0:30:19 And just one? I'll just—

Jordan 0:30:21 I'll leave it like that.

William 0:30:22 Oh my God.

Jordan 0:30:22 Oh, he's leaving it like that.

William 0:30:24 It is—

Jordan 0:30:26 Always leave them laughing.

William 0:30:27 It is a birthday present.

Jordan 0:30:27 She's fucking goofy.

William 0:30:28 It's very funny.

Jordan 0:30:30 Get it? Yeah. Get it?

William 0:30:30 Neither of us are ever working for Disney ever again.

Jordan 0:30:32 Okay. Uh, right, let's do your listeners' problems, questions, and dilemmas. Remember, if you need our help with something, then get in touch. You can send your tales of trepidation to help@sexandmyboss.com, or you can DM us. We're @sexandmyboss on socials. And remember, we have no idea what's coming up. We're reading these for the first time as well as you.

William 0:30:48 This first dilemma is from Chris to William and Jordan. Thank you for the biweekly entertainment. You make my laborious drive to work a lot more fun. But please, can you tell me what is the etiquette for taking out a phone or other video recording device in an upmarket restaurant to make a video for your social media posts? I can't help but think this is bad table manners. I await William's answer— I mean excuses. Keep up the good work, boys. Chris in Suffolk.

Jordan 0:31:10 Well, yeah, because you content queens, what is— you're on your own little— you've got your own rules, haven't you?

William 0:31:17 We do, yes.

Jordan 0:31:18 You influencers. Do you class yourself as an influencer?

William 0:31:21 No.

Jordan 0:31:23 What's wrong with being an influencer?

William 0:31:25 I'm— but I am a Time 100 Content Creator of the Year. Thank you.

Jordan 0:31:31 Very good.

William 0:31:32 So, I've actually found a copy of the print edition of Time. It's got my little profile in it.

Jordan 0:31:37 Well, get it up and we'll get it up on—

William 0:31:38 No, you know me. I don't need my accolades on the wall.

Jordan 0:31:42 I'll bring my Trick Award then.

William 0:31:47 I don't want to see your Trick Award.

Jordan 0:31:49 Uh, bring that, we'll get a picture.

William 0:31:51 What did you get a Trick Award for?

Jordan 0:31:52 Radio presenter.

William 0:31:54 Oh, because it's TV and radio. Sorry. Yeah, I thought it was just TV. Um, which of the one series shows didn't get a second series got a Trick Award? It didn't, obviously. It's radio, and that's very good. What was it? Radio Presenter of the Year? What was it? Yeah. Oh, very good. I'm not, I'm not belittling it. I think it's—

Jordan 0:32:11 that's wonderful. It sounds like they are, if I'm honest. Yeah, getting your phone out in general, because I had some lovely meals on holiday and I were filming them, and I'll put them up on the carousel. I'll send you some pictures of me food, right? I will send that.

William 0:32:22 Fantastic. Just like Instagram was invented for.

Jordan 0:32:24 Can you conceal me holiday food? Because I took loads. Um, are you allowed to do that? What's the rules?

William 0:32:29 Oh yeah, if the— I mean, restaurants like it because you often, you know, not just— forget me, but other people, um, will, you know, tag the restaurants. So it's marketing. I mean, we're always very careful. We try not to— we not to get other people in the shot so we don't invade their privacy. We try to do it very quickly and discreetly. I mean, I sit there and I rehearse what I'm going to say before I actually do it, and we sort of do a little dry run. And now we're very lucky that we work with restaurants, so they will invite us in and sort of put us in a corner or somewhere, and they encourage it. So, that makes my life a lot easier because back in the day when we started doing these little videos, it was a bit like, Oh, quick, find a table, record, whereas now everyone in the restaurant seems to know what we're doing anyway.

Jordan 0:33:11 What's the etiquette for, say you go to a nice fancy London restaurant. Yeah. And you've saved up for a few months for it and you've treated your other half. Yeah. And you come down to London. Yeah. And you pay and then you get sat, you sit down and then 2 posh boys walk in, one tall, one smaller, but his little protégé, and they start recording etiquette videos. What, what would be the etiquette there? Could you say, can you shut up? Or could you say, Excuse me, can you move me away?

William 0:33:37 Well, how is it any different from 2 people sitting next to you at a dining table chatting?

Jordan 0:33:42 Well, it's not.

William 0:33:43 If anything, there's one person not speaking and the other one's speaking, so actually there's 50% less.

Jordan 0:33:48 Happy anniversary, love. Thank you. You too. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I was out in Soho and, oh my God, the twinks were twinkin'. Anyway, ready to record, yeah. So, if your coffee is hot, remember, for it to cool down, just leave— and you'll be like… What are them two going on about over there? Fucking hell, £60 for a starter and them two.

Ben 0:34:09 So let's listen and see if he's got anything good to say. Yeah, if your coffee's too hot.

Jordan 0:34:15 Thinking, I'm driving.

William 0:34:17 Pile on William Day, isn't it?

Jordan 0:34:19 He's thinking, love, I've spent 3 months, I'm doing 60 hours a week driving me lorry, and this guy here is telling people how to wait for the coffee to come.

William 0:34:27 There was actually—

Ben 0:34:28 Oh, he's just been served some peas. Let's wait, surely there's something better here.

Jordan 0:34:31 Oh, hang on, hang on. He's got a banana. What's he gonna do with it? Fucking hell. You'd be fuming. You'd be livid. I love making Ben laugh.

William 0:34:44 You're so rude.

Jordan 0:34:46 One thing I'll say about you, Hansen, is you can take it.

William 0:34:49 Not often.

Jordan 0:34:54 You can take it. All right, let's go on to another one.

William 0:34:57 This is from Dean. William, Jordan, and all the Sex Ed team. I'm currently having a discussion with a friend over dinner and wine. My friend feel she is no money, full class, and I'm some money, no class. The basis for this argument is colour schemes. I have a house full of greys and whites. My friend would favour greens and blues with some scatterings of random colours. We need your expert opinion on which would be classier: simple colour schemes, greys and whites with a splash of colour in the style

William 0:35:21 of a modern hotel, or a mix of colours, styles, and textures. Imagine the style of Muckross House in Highclere. Please settle this debate. Kindest regards, Dean. Well, over to colorblind Jordan North.

Jordan 0:35:32 Well, they say money shouts, wealth whispers. Is that right? Something like that, innit? What? What?

William 0:35:41 That's why Jordan's got a very loud voice.

Jordan 0:35:43 Shut up. But I, I'm starting to disagree on the greys. I think the old millennial gray— if you just type in, wherever you're listening now, on TikTok, millennial grey, which was very much me, my Scandi style. Um, apparently it's like coming out now. It's all about your greens, and there's loads of videos like, do you remember all the colour we had? So, but honestly, you be you. Whatever you— it's your house. Whatever you like. If you like yellow and reds, yeah, no matter what people say, you stick to your guns because they'll soon get used to it and warm to it.

Ben 0:36:18 What on earth is yellow?

William 0:36:20 Yellow and reds. And also, why would you put yellow and red together?

Jordan 0:36:24 Well, I'm just saying yellows And blues. And your reds—

William 0:36:28 Can you not just say yellow?

Jordan 0:36:28 Yellow.

William 0:36:29 Yellow. Yellow.

Jordan 0:36:32 Yellow. Higher.

Ben 0:36:35 Lower.

William 0:36:37 Yellow.

Jordan 0:36:37 Yellow. I can't say it!

William 0:36:41 How about say, oh my goodness.

Jordan 0:36:43 Oh my goodness.

William 0:36:45 Right. Now just say, oh my.

Jordan 0:36:46 Oh my.

William 0:36:47 Now say, oh.

Jordan 0:36:48 Oh.

William 0:36:49 Yellow.

Jordan 0:36:49 Yellow. Yellow. Oh no, that sounds weird.

William 0:36:54 No, it doesn't. It sounds correct.

Jordan 0:36:55 Yellow. Anyway, so I'm not bothered. And if you're like Millennial Greys, do what you—

William 0:37:00 Yeah, the great thing is, Dean, your friend can do whatever they like in their house, and you can do whatever you like in your house.

Jordan 0:37:05 But what do you think's classier personally?

William 0:37:08 What colour?

Jordan 0:37:08 What's your colour scheme?

William 0:37:09 It also depends on the style of house, because if you're in a modern city centre apartment, sort of in a high-rise with glass, you're not going to do bright colours. You are going to keep it quite neutral. Whereas if you're in an older style property—

Jordan 0:37:21 Like a townhouse.

William 0:37:22 Yeah, you can do colour because that's often what the Victorians or Georgians or Edwardians did. So, it'd be more in keeping with the house. Our sitting room is pink, as you know, with the sofa.

Ben 0:37:31 And the sofa.

Jordan 0:37:32 Oh God, that sofa. I'd struggle with that, waiting to hangover. Won't be able to dust on that.

Ben 0:37:37 I wouldn't have got out the door.

Jordan 0:37:38 No, I won't be able to dust on that settee.

William 0:37:40 I'm sorry, I don't want you doing that. Put a towel down if you're going to do that.

Jordan 0:37:44 Dust?

William 0:37:45 What?

Jordan 0:37:45 You know, you know what dossing is, don't you?

William 0:37:48 Well, yes.

Ben 0:37:49 William hasn't dossed once in his life.

Jordan 0:37:50 You know what dossing is? My mum used to say to you lot, aren't dossing all day, you can get out.

William 0:37:54 Why were you doing that in front of your mother?

Jordan 0:37:56 Dossing just means to like doss, to

Ben 0:38:02 lay

Jordan 0:38:02 about. Lay about, laze about, on settee.

William 0:38:05 But like,

Jordan 0:38:06 with a hangover. No, it's not to do with— what do you think? It's dossing about. Mum used to say it's like a doss house in here.

William 0:38:11 Probably was.

Jordan 0:38:12 Or is it a dos house? Is that offensive?

Ben 0:38:14 I think the classiest colour scheme is just to paint everything red.

William 0:38:18 You've got a vested interest in that.

Jordan 0:38:22 I do think, Dean, that colour drenching's very in at the moment. That's very classy.

William 0:38:27 It depends on the room.

Jordan 0:38:27 Yeah. So you basically paint your ceiling the same colour as your walls.

William 0:38:31 And the skirting boards.

Jordan 0:38:32 And the skirting boards. Door frames. It's drenched.

William 0:38:34 And the door.

Jordan 0:38:34 And the door. Yeah. Oh God, yeah. It's colour drenched.

William 0:38:37 Yeah. Our guest bedroom is colour drenched. It's in a sort of a terracotta colour. Red Earth, if you're interested, from Farrow& Ball.

Jordan 0:38:43 My living room is.

William 0:38:46 But not— oh, not in Red Earth. Sorry, I was thinking— no, it's greeny, isn't it? You're not the same colour as me.

Jordan 0:38:51 No, I got a bathroom color-drenched as well.

William 0:38:53 Yes,

Jordan 0:38:54 and

William 0:38:54 you found something and you're sticking with it. Yeah, just do whatever works, but less is more. And if you are maybe a first-time colour user, maybe just go gently.

Jordan 0:39:03 Yeah,

William 0:39:04 and this is where you can use AI. You can upload a picture of your sitting room or your bathroom or whatever and go, make the walls blah blah blah colour, if you want to have a look what it's going to look like. And it's obviously, you know, it's not 100% accurate, but you can sort of get a flavour for what it looks like before you—

Jordan 0:39:20 I've done that for my Crittle by Folding Doors. Which were way more expensive than what I thought. That gas money might have to wait, actually.

Ben 0:39:29 Um, I did that as well. Do you remember at Jordan's barbecue? Because I was toying with getting a new hairstyle around Jordan's

William 0:39:38 Oh,

Ben 0:39:39 yes.

William 0:39:39 Have you seen these photos?

Jordan 0:39:40 No.

Ben 0:39:40 I was doing a straw poll with everyone at the party, whether they wanted— they liked the look of my new—

William 0:39:45 Because you were going to go blonde, weren't you?

Ben 0:39:47 I was going to go like this.

Jordan 0:39:48 Let's have a

William 0:39:50 look. Oh, don't throw your phone. Just get up.

William 0:39:52 Oh, God.

Jordan 0:39:53 Oh, wow. Describe what you see. Who's he look like there?

Ben 0:39:57 Bleach blonde buzz cut.

Jordan 0:39:59 We'll put that up on the Insta. Who's he look like there?

William 0:40:02 Wow.

Jordan 0:40:05 Britney?

William 0:40:06 No. Oh, for God's sake. George has thrown behind me.

Jordan 0:40:11 Go on, what's next, Tom?

William 0:40:13 This is from James. Dear William, Jordan, EPB, and the rest of the Sex Ed team, longtime listener, longtime viewer, and longtime witness to William's ongoing battle with the general public's manners. I now find myself in need of guidance before I commit a social atrocity involving fortified wine. William, this one is directed at you as it concerns etiquette, ritual, and the possibility of me being silently judged by several men in dinner jackets. I'm a Freemason and have been for 5 years.

Jordan 0:40:37 I'd love to see what that's about. Freemasonry.

William 0:40:40 And at our formal dining after meetings, we follow the usual traditions: toasts, port, and the collective hope that nobody does anything memorable enough to be mentioned at the next meeting. My question is simple: should the port decanter ever leave the table, or is that the sort of behaviour that results in a lot of shaking heads? Furthermore, we are instructed to pass the port to the left, I have just been given several explanations ranging from naval custom to sword placement to just do it and stop asking. I'd appreciate clarification as no one seems to have a consistent answer they seem to believe. Thank you in anticipation, James.

Jordan 0:41:10 I'd like to know this, because there's a port— in the army, my dad and my brother have been port fined. And it's something to do with port, where you put it, and how you pass it at the table.

William 0:41:19 Yeah, so there is a— so you do pass port to the left. I mean, I should actually say, if you want the real sort of interesting thing. Anything in British dining is meant to be passed around to the left. Other countries, other than port, it goes around to the right, but we are the only country where everything goes around to the

Jordan 0:41:35 left.

William 0:41:35 Like the roads. Like the roads. Not because of the roads, but yes. Now, port, yes, it would start—

William 0:41:41 it's not meant to stop now, and it's sort of meant until it is empty. Personally, you've got to have a flipping big table, and even then, if you've got 30 around the table and it's going, Port is incredibly strong. It's a fortified wine. You're going to get drunk pretty quickly, and I'm not in favour of that. I think that's slightly irresponsible, particularly at the end of a dinner when you've probably had other stuff to drink as well. So, I don't love the it must never stop until it's empty thing. I think that's a bit antiquated.

William 0:42:09 Fine for it to stop after it's done a lap, and then it starts again once, you know, people have had it.

Jordan 0:42:14 I think that's what they do in the army.

William 0:42:16 Yeah, but it's Yeah, I think it's fine for it just to take a pause. And if there are 3 of you, then, you know, it's always ridiculous. As for why it goes around to the left, my gut— and this is a guess, and again, it's— well, it's either just something that has just happened and it's just become law, inverted commas, or how we seat people

William 0:42:36 is you have— if I'm the host, my guest of honour is to my right. And in Britain, predominantly historically, the people that made the rules were the aristocracy and the royal family, and so you'd put your decanter of port in front of the guest of honour, which would be to the right, and then it would go to the host, who was a member of the aristocracy, next, and then just continue. So, the host got it second. In America, they said when they do serving, not of port, they do guest of honour first and then to the right,

William 0:43:04 so the host gets served last. A bit more democratic, a bit more American. But that is my logic as to why it goes around to the left.

Jordan 0:43:11 Okay.

William 0:43:12 But yeah.

Jordan 0:43:13 Do you like port?

William 0:43:14 Uh, yeah, it's all right.

Jordan 0:43:16 Have you ever had port and WKD?

William 0:43:18 No, and we're not doing that next week. Yeah, no.

Jordan 0:43:22 Absolutely not.

William 0:43:23 Can we not just do something nice? Izzy,

Jordan 0:43:24 do you know what that's called? What? A cheeky Vimto. Isn't it? Oh, I've not had a cheeky Vimto since Benidorm.

William 0:43:31 Can we just do—

Jordan 0:43:32 Magaluf.

William 0:43:33 Can I do port and something else?

Jordan 0:43:34 No, next week—

William 0:43:35 I don't like WKD. Next week

Jordan 0:43:36 we will have a cheeky

William 0:43:37 Okay, but I'm never gonna like it.

Jordan 0:43:39 And if you want, I've got loads of port. I'll just get a nice port and bleed it. Yeah, we'll have that. That could be our new drink.

William 0:43:46 My, uh, one of my former flatmates, Lucas, uh, and I once did an entire bottle of port one evening.

Jordan 0:43:52 Oh yeah, I bet you were rough next day.

William 0:43:54 Yeah. Oh, that was an interesting night.

Jordan 0:43:57 I bet that—

William 0:43:57 no,

William 0:43:58 no, no, no, no, no, that wasn't a hangover the next day. Actually, I was remarkably fine. But again, I think because I stuck to one drink. It's when you mix That's, I think, when you've got a problem.

Jordan 0:44:07 Cheeky Vim tells next Tuesday's episode.

William 0:44:09 I'm just doing a martini.

Jordan 0:44:10 No, we've done that. Do you remember when I made a martini before and you were like, years ago?

William 0:44:15 Yes, actually, I do.

William 0:44:16 Can we—

William 0:44:16 actually, we should find that.

Jordan 0:44:17 And now that's your favourite drink.

William 0:44:19 It's literally my favourite drink.

William 0:44:21 Yeah. Our final dilemma is I've got friends coming around tonight for Martini Monday.

Jordan 0:44:24 Oh, Christ, you live the life, you, don't you?

William 0:44:27 But they're coming round. We've decided it's more affordable if they come round.

Jordan 0:44:30 At the time of recording?

William 0:44:31 Yeah.

Jordan 0:44:32 Oh no. 'Cause I haven't— I said I haven't mentioned it, but tonight I'll be dreading it. I'll probably get about 3, 4 hours sleep, 'cause this is the first—

William 0:44:39 It was pointed out to me that you— in fact, it was on one of our YouTube comments. You made such a song and dance about— can I just say, for a whole year, I have not mentioned getting up early.

Jordan 0:44:48 I haven't!

William 0:44:49 And someone commented, in the same episode that you said that, about 3 minutes in, you'd mentioned it.

Jordan 0:44:55 Well, anyway, just to let you know, tonight, I'm dreading it, 'cause I've not, I've not been in work for 2 and a bit weeks, so it's 4:15 alarm tomorrow. And then you, you know what it's like, and you listen if you ever— it's like when you're getting up for a flight or something, like, oh right, if I go to sleep now I'll get 3 hours, 4 hours. And then you just—

William 0:45:16 What? You should go to bed early.

Jordan 0:45:17 I will, but you just— it's where I'm out of— I'll, I'll try and be in bed for half 9.

William 0:45:22 Try, try earlier.

Jordan 0:45:24 Oh yeah. I'll let you know. I'll let you know how I get on. I know you're dying to know.

William 0:45:27 Yeah, yeah, yeah, we are. Our final dilemma—

Ben 0:45:29 Just before you move on there, there was some sort of number crunching in terms of the number of times that Jordan has mentioned that he's been up at 4 in the morning.

William 0:45:36 Fantastic.

Ben 0:45:37 If you want to hear them now, I'm happy to share.

Jordan 0:45:39 Go for it.

Ben 0:45:39 Uh, you mentioned it at least 28 times across 23 episodes of the podcast, uh, in the last year.

Jordan 0:45:46 No, I haven't.

Ben 0:45:47 And in 12 of those, he insists he never mentions it. It's also worth pointing out that that is when you mentioned specifically 4 AM. There are also several other mentions of, I wake up very early. Love it. Or early start.

Jordan 0:46:01 That's bollocks. Where have you got that from? AI?

Ben 0:46:04 It's just the facts.

Jordan 0:46:05 Is that AI?

Ben 0:46:06 It's from the transcripts.

Jordan 0:46:09 This is bullshit.

Ben 0:46:12 Read it and weep.

Jordan 0:46:13 My lawyers will be in touch.

Ben 0:46:15 Listen to it and weep.

Jordan 0:46:16 My lawyers will be in touch.

William 0:46:17 Well, so will ours, and we look forward to winning.

Jordan 0:46:19 I'll see you in court.

William 0:46:21 Fine.

Jordan 0:46:22 You set of shits.

William 0:46:24 Our final dilemma is from Anonymous. Hi, William Jordan and Producer Ben. My husband and I have been together for 15 years and married for 7. Recently, my husband has been away on a work trip for 3 weeks. When he finally got home, it's safe to say we were both very excited to see each other. The front door had barely closed before the socks and pants were on the floor.

Jordan 0:46:42 Oh, go on.

William 0:46:43 Now, apologies for the detail, but it is essential to the story. Just before things progressed, my husband suddenly announced that he could feel a fart brewing.

Jordan 0:46:50 At least he said it.

William 0:46:53 He grabbed a Kleenex, positioned it accordingly, and what he thought was a small shart made an appearance.

Jordan 0:46:58 Sorry, what? Sorry. Did he know it was gonna be a fart or a shart? Why did he grab a Kleenex?

William 0:47:07 And what is a shart?

Jordan 0:47:08 When you shit and fart.

William 0:47:10 Oh. Okay. Still on all fours, he awkwardly apologised. After 15 years together, I wasn't particularly fazed, so I told him it was fine, took the tissue— took the tissue from him and went to flush it down the loo. Except before I— before— oh my God.

Jordan 0:47:27 Bearing in mind, I'm very, very hungover, so I don't know if I want to hear this.

William 0:47:31 Before I flushed it, I looked at the tissue. Read as it was not a shot. There, staring back at me from this innocent Kleenex was what appeared to be a rather unmistakable helping of man porridge. Now, as a fellow man— Oh, okay, it's a gay couple. I feel fairly confident in saying that I know what man porridge looks like, and this was man porridge. I completely froze. Rather than saying anything, I flushed the evidence down the loo, returned to my husband, and carried on as though I hadn't just become the lead detective in a very niche episode of Silent Witness. But afterwards, my brain caught up with me. My husband had been away for 3 weeks. We hadn't seen each other during that time. We're monogamous. And unless I have dramatically misunderstood the male anatomy for my entire adult life, I cannot work out how another man's porridge could possibly have made its way there. So, my dilemma is, do I ask my husband what on earth I found in that Kleenex and risk making a very awkward situation considerably worse? Or is there another innocent explanation I'm completely missing, and I should take this mystery to my grave? What do I do? There is no other innocent explanation I can give you, I'm afraid. There is one explanation, you know it, anonymous.

Jordan 0:48:44 My hangover has just got worse. Okay, so you probably should speak to him. And then there might be a reasonable explanation.

William 0:48:55 Like what?

Jordan 0:48:56 It might not have been jizz.

William 0:48:57 Well, what— well, if it's white stuff coming out your bottom and it's not jizz, you need to go to a bloody doctor pretty quickly.

Jordan 0:49:03 Well, there you go. It could be that. So— and also, like, yeah, just— yeah, there might be an explanation. 'Cause that would be weird, especially if he just landed. How is he gonna— how's he got man porridge up there?

William 0:49:17 Has he just landed? Uh, work trip. Just fi— he was just home.

Jordan 0:49:22 So…

William 0:49:23 Could have happened, you know.

Jordan 0:49:26 So yeah, I mean, it's hardly gonna happen in taxi, is it? So… Well, you never know. Yeah, true. We've all seen the films. Is that an option on Uber now or something?

William 0:49:35 What?

Jordan 0:49:36 Man party. So, there could be a reasonable explanation.

William 0:49:39 Uber XXX.

Jordan 0:49:40 But pluck up the— pluck up the courage. Very good.

William 0:49:43 Thank you.

Jordan 0:49:44 To speak to him. Oh God. Also, who— you just say, I'm gonna go to toilet a sec. Carry on.

William 0:49:50 Yeah. You don't like—

Jordan 0:49:52 you'd be like—

William 0:49:53 also, especially if—

Jordan 0:49:54 I just need to go to toilet. You carry on playing Michelle for 2 minutes. You— yeah, yeah, great, great. I'm back in a sec. That kind of thing.

William 0:50:00 Especially if, if you have been cheating and you are aware that you might have quote-unquote man porridge up your bum, don't think, oh, do you know what? I'll just sort of get— do that in front of my partner. Presumably you would want to go and sit on the loo and deal with it there and sort of keep

Jordan 0:50:16 I need some fresh air. Come on, wrap this up. Christ alive, I'm gonna have to have a pint.

William 0:50:20 Anonymous, talk to your partner.

Jordan 0:50:23 Thank you for your questions and dilemmas. Remember, you can listen to new episodes every Tuesday and Friday and 24 hours before anywhere else on Global Player. If you want to get in touch about something that isn't a dilemma or a problem, drop into our DMs or send us an email to help@sexwithmyboss.com. We love hearing back from the people we offer advice to as well, So if that's you, get in touch and we could be speaking about you and your correspondence on Friday. We'll see you then.

William 0:50:46 Goodbye. Goodbye.