Middle Class Problems | And How To Wipe Your Willy

Jordan 0:01:33 We're gonna have to start bringing snacks in. It's getting out of hand.

William 0:01:40 Well, yes, you've brought me my beef sandwich.

Jordan 0:01:43 I've got your beef sandwich. Joe's brought snacks in. I've brought snacks in. Joe's brought Percy Pigs in. I've brought Percy Pigs in. Honestly, I'm gonna say it. We're not a bad-looking team as far as podcasting goes, but if we carry on with all these snacks every week, we're going to look like Elton John's team. So, let's just rein it in a bit, all right? For next week, okay?

William 0:02:09 You've never said a better thing.

Jordan 0:02:12 Look at them. Handsome, handsome, handsome. There you go. Hello, and welcome to our Friday episode where we see how—

William 0:02:26 Were you objectifying them?

Jordan 0:02:27 Yeah, extra content we can squeeze into your week, random things that have been sent in, extra bits. See, I'm burping now because of the— that'll be the Red Bull. Extra bits that have been going on and how our advice went down with you, our wonderful GND-ers.

William 0:02:41 Do you need a minute?

Jordan 0:02:42 No, I'm fine.

William 0:02:43 Do I need to come behind you and burp you?

Jordan 0:02:45 No, you're all right. It's just I had a butty and a Red Bull before we started.

William 0:02:49 Okay.

Jordan 0:02:49 It was a late one last night.

William 0:02:52 Was it? What were you doing? What butch and manly event were you at?

Jordan 0:02:54 Oh, you know, this and that.

William 0:02:55 Go on, tell us. I

Jordan 0:02:57 was at the Attitude Awards.

William 0:02:58 The Attitude Awards?

Jordan 0:02:59 Yeah.

William 0:03:00 Now, what are they celebrating?

Jordan 0:03:01 They're LGBT pew—

William 0:03:04 Not pew.

Jordan 0:03:05 Pew club. I mean, you—

William 0:03:07 It's not Trumpden.

Jordan 0:03:07 You would have been invited, but you did have beef with one of the organisers there, so.

William 0:03:13 Yeah. I was also cutting my toenails last night as well, so I was otherwise committed.

Jordan 0:03:18 Ah, okay. How are you? What are you doing this weekend?

William 0:03:22 Oh, nothing going to LA. Other than that, you?

Jordan 0:03:24 Oh!

William 0:03:25 Yeah?

Jordan 0:03:25 Nice!

William 0:03:26 Yes.

Jordan 0:03:26 Fancy.

William 0:03:27 Yes.

Jordan 0:03:27 I'm going to Watford.

William 0:03:29 The Beverly Hills of this part of the world.

Jordan 0:03:35 I'm going to Watford.

William 0:03:35 What are you going to Watford for?

Jordan 0:03:37 Burnley are playing them at Vicarage Road.

William 0:03:38 Vicarage Road?

Jordan 0:03:40 Yeah, are you going, Iz?

Speaker E 0:03:41 No.

Jordan 0:03:41 Do you want tickets? Uncle Lee's there.

Speaker E 0:03:45 Is he?

Jordan 0:03:46 Yeah, she loves Uncle Lee.

William 0:03:48 Oh, well, he used to supply your Jolly Jokes of the Week back in the day.

Jordan 0:03:51 Our Lee. I call him our Lee. He's my cousin, but she calls him Uncle Lee. Uncle Lee, yeah. Uncle Lee's great.

William 0:03:55 Are you not related distantly or something?

Speaker E 0:03:57 Probably are.

William 0:03:57 Yeah, probably are. Okay, so you're going to watch Watford?

Jordan 0:04:00 Yeah, I'm going with my brothers and my cousins,

William 0:04:03 yeah. Lovely. What else are you doing?

Jordan 0:04:05 Roast?

William 0:04:06 Guinness? Delete as applicable.

Jordan 0:04:08 Ooh, I will be having Guinness on Sunday. We're very, very, very much in Guinness season at the moment, aren't we?

William 0:04:13 Hasn't the weather got nippy? I don't want to sound like, you know, Jenny and Claire's podcast, but I did put the heating on this morning for the first time.

Jordan 0:04:19 Did you? I won't, not until I get back from Skegness. That's my rule of thumb.

William 0:04:24 It's freezing this morning.

Jordan 0:04:25 It's not, it's not, it's still mild. I'm not— I know I got— I know I get it if you're older, you're a pensioner and stuff, but don't— remember, just heating makes you soft. That's all I'm gonna say.

William 0:04:34 Didn't this morning.

Jordan 0:04:36 I don't, I don't mind a towel rail, don't get me wrong. I have a towel rail on.

William 0:04:41 A towel rail?

Jordan 0:04:43 Look at you. Well, I told you, I've always got fruit in my fridge because of my childhood, and I've always got warm towels because every towel I had as a kid, because there were 6 of us in one bathroom, every towel was soggy and wet. So it's my treat to myself as an adult. I have a towel rail on all year round, but it comes on an hour before I get up.

William 0:05:03 Are you water or electric towel rail?

Jordan 0:05:07 I don't know.

William 0:05:07 How does it heat? Through electrical rods or through water?

Jordan 0:05:10 Well, it gets hot and then the towel's on it.

William 0:05:12 Yes, I know how it works. How does it— is it electric or water?

Jordan 0:05:16 I have no idea, William. I have no idea.

William 0:05:18 Oh.

Jordan 0:05:19 I don't do— I

William 0:05:20 don't know. You

Jordan 0:05:21 don't do that? It's silver and it gets hot.

William 0:05:25 It's probably chrome.

Jordan 0:05:26 And trust me, it's silver in my house. Okay, fine. No, it's not. Anyway. So, well, good. Have fun in LA, won't you?

William 0:05:35 Thank you. Yes, I shall. The big thing on my one day of sort of rest, I'm hoping to go down Wisteria Lane, which— we're going to go to Universal Studios, and I've been promised the Backlot Tour. And I didn't have to be asked twice. And hopefully I will go down Wisteria Lane, because I've done the Backlot Tour 3 times. And each time, as you sort of chunter on up on the sort of the carts up to what it's called Colonial Street, which is actually where they filmed it. It's always—

Jordan 0:06:03 Filmed what?

William 0:06:04 With Sherri Lane, Desperate Housewives.

Jordan 0:06:05 Oh, okay, I'm with you.

William 0:06:07 As it's sort of gone, oh, we can't go down there today because it's the first day of filming, or, we're filming this. So I've done a bit of research on the internet, and on Sundays, when generally nothing is filming— there can be things filming on Sundays, generally nothing is filming on Sundays— you stand a greater chance. So will I be lucky the 4th time around? I'll let you know in due course.

Jordan 0:06:28 Who's giving you the tour? Do you have to pay for that?

William 0:06:30 Well, it's within Universal Studios, which is the theme park, and then the The Backlot Tour is just an attraction, and you go and see other film sets and blah blah. I'm not really that interested in those, but I would like to go down Wisteria Lane.

Jordan 0:06:43 Oh, is there any rides and stuff there?

William 0:06:45 Yes, there's all the Harry Potter stuff.

Jordan 0:06:47 Yeah, I've been to that one.

William 0:06:48 There's a Spider-Man one. Yeah, it's similar to the Florida one. They're kind of duplicated, other than the fact that the, you know, the Backlot Tour is in LA.

Jordan 0:06:54 Ah, I've never been there.

William 0:06:55 Yeah.

Jordan 0:06:56 Will you bring— will you go to In-N-Out Burger?

William 0:06:58 I believe I'm reviewing In-N-Out Burger.

Jordan 0:07:00 I've never had one.

William 0:07:02 Well, I'm not bringing you one back.

Jordan 0:07:03 Can you bring one back if you get it on the last day?

William 0:07:05 I don't think In-N-Out Burger will want me bringing that back.

Jordan 0:07:09 I've always wanted to try one. Apparently it's so good. Some people say it's a bit overrated.

William 0:07:15 Are they all over America, or is it just a West Coast thing?

Jordan 0:07:17 It's just a West Coast thing, and I've never been West Coast. West Side. So I've never been West Side.

William 0:07:23 I don't think they say that.

Jordan 0:07:25 But yeah, there's none— I've been Chicago. I've been to New York, but they don't have them there.

William 0:07:30 No. Well, you have to go.

Jordan 0:07:32 But I suppose it's probably— apparently it's way better than a Mackie's. Well, just adding a bit of culture to this podcast.

William 0:07:41 All right. It's oozing. It's like listening to the South Bank Show.

Jordan 0:07:44 Okay, but I've always wanted to try an In-N-Out burger.

William 0:07:47 Okay, well, I mean, I can bring you one back, but I'm— I would have to then—

Jordan 0:07:52 Bring one back, but get it at the airport on the last day. Wrap it up. Yeah. Oh, what day are you back?

William 0:07:57 Well, I'm back on a Saturday.

Jordan 0:07:58 Oh, so then I'm probably not gonna see you till Thursday. No, so I really don't—

William 0:08:02 That'll keep. I'm not sure it will.

Jordan 0:08:04 It'll keep. No, it probably won't.

William 0:08:05 I mean, it's America, so it's probably full of chemicals.

Jordan 0:08:08 Yeah, then— well, maybe one day I'll have my own In-N-Out Burger.

William 0:08:11 Oh, he's got a towel rail, but he doesn't have his own In-N-Out Burger. I've had a— Blower-deprived Jordan.

Jordan 0:08:17 I've had a Wendy's.

William 0:08:18 You've had quite a few Wendy's in your time.

Jordan 0:08:21 I've had a Wendy's, but I've never ever had an In-N-Out. I've had a Taco Bell.

William 0:08:25 Taco— oh, you see, I'm reviewing that place as well.

Jordan 0:08:28 Have you ever had a Taco Bell?

William 0:08:29 Not yet. Oh,

Jordan 0:08:31 clears you out.

William 0:08:31 But I know that when I do the video reviewing Taco Bell, they're all going to come for me saying I'm not saying taco.

Jordan 0:08:37 It's taco.

William 0:08:38 It is taco, yes, because as we have said many times before, there is no such thing as American English. There is English, and then there are mistakes. And so thus, when I then do my video reviewing Taco Bell, they're going to come for me.

Jordan 0:08:51 Try not to say that out there, because they do have quite lax gun laws, and you will get a cap in your ass. And if someone puts a cap in your ass, it's not what you think. So just be careful. Ben.

Speaker F 0:09:00 Hi, guys.

Jordan 0:09:01 Hi.

William 0:09:01 Talking of caps and asses.

Speaker F 0:09:03 Taco, very much not British English. It's Spanish.

Jordan 0:09:07 Thank you. He has got a point there.

William 0:09:09 Thank you, Superintendent over there.

Jordan 0:09:11 I do like a Taco Bell.

Speaker F 0:09:12 In England, we say taco.

Jordan 0:09:14 It's better than when we go up to Manchester to get— what is it?

William 0:09:19 A colonic. Hydrotherapy.

Jordan 0:09:21 Clears you out.

William 0:09:22 Yeah.

Jordan 0:09:22 It is such good food.

Speaker F 0:09:23 Taco Bell's a bit cheaper.

Jordan 0:09:25 Is it?

Speaker F 0:09:25 Not as thorough, maybe.

Jordan 0:09:27 Alright, what are we doing?

William 0:09:28 Right, well, Jordan, you have admitted recently to being aloth with pantry maths.

Jordan 0:09:33 There's a big bugger in my room today. If they get upstairs into my knitwear, I'll be fuming. I've built that knitwear up throughout the years. If they get in there, I'm gonna be fuming. A big bugger has been today.

William 0:09:48 Well, we thought it was time to hear from the Gene Divas about their most gloriously middle-class problems. Continuing a theme. James says his expensive coffee mug doesn't fit into the cup holder of his Mercedes. James, that's so tough.

Jordan 0:10:05 That would annoy me.

William 0:10:06 Tough it out for you.

Jordan 0:10:07 That would annoy me.

William 0:10:08 What would you want to change more, James? What would you change first, the coffee mug or the car? That's what I want to know. What are you more attached to?

Speaker F 0:10:15 That's higher than middle-class problems if you change the mug.

Jordan 0:10:19 I like this middle-class problems. Keep going.

William 0:10:21 Betty—

Jordan 0:10:22 Although I'm not middle class. Once working class, always working class. Right. It's with you. Okay. From— it's just within you.

William 0:10:32 Yeah. Bessie says, I find Cotswolds stunning.

Jordan 0:10:35 None of you media types would know that, but being working class, it's in you. You're from Clitheroe! Piss off! It's a friggin' Catholic girls' school. Don't tell me you're working class. Anyway, carry on.

Speaker F 0:10:47 Jordan's just popped the collar on me.

Jordan 0:10:48 Your dad was a wine merchant. You are— you're a painter and decorator. You're alright.

Speaker F 0:10:53 He's pointing at Jack.

Speaker G 0:10:54 Yeah.

William 0:10:54 Yes, let's talk about your popped collar while— so let's just take a moment. Jordan is wearing— it's a rugby top of sorts. It's sort of Burberry effect. Barbour. Barbour effect. And yeah, you've got the white collar popped. Now, I was always told that— I'm just gonna sound like a twit, but I was always told that if you went to private school, you don't need to pop your collar, whereas if you're trying to pretend you went to private school, you pop your collar.

Speaker G 0:11:18 Oh, right.

William 0:11:19 That's probably a fair point.

Jordan 0:11:21 Just FYI. Yeah. Well, look, I'm not old money.

William 0:11:23 You're not old money, no.

Speaker F 0:11:25 I always thought the people that popped their collar at schools were the bullies.

William 0:11:28 I mean, doing it, yeah.

Speaker F 0:11:30 Not that you're a bully, Jordan. You're anything but.

Jordan 0:11:33 So, right, I'm a bully, I'm a chav anymore? Carry on.

Speaker F 0:11:37 And middle class.

Jordan 0:11:38 I'm not middle class. I'm working class.

William 0:11:41 Betty finds it hard to clean her Cotswold stone tiles.

Jordan 0:11:45 Oh, they would be a nightmare to clean.

William 0:11:48 They would.

Jordan 0:11:48 Yeah.

William 0:11:48 You need some strong detergent on that. Although, if you do buy specialist tiles, they often give you a special cleaning product or recommend the cleaning product to clean. So, I would always follow manufacturer instructions. Sasha says, having to check another bag at the airport for their skis. Yeah, skiing's very middle class.

Jordan 0:12:05 I might be going skiing for the first time in February.

William 0:12:08 But you're not middle class.

Jordan 0:12:09 But I won't ski. We're going to go with a group of friends. As long as we've got a nice little chalet, I said, I'll make like scones and stuff and, and like keep the place— What's up with you, Ben? I'll be like, I'll do baking and stuff. So when they come back from the ski—

William 0:12:24 You are an accident waiting to happen on a ski trip.

Jordan 0:12:25 I just can't go on a ski. No.

Speaker F 0:12:27 Well, there's 2.

William 0:12:30 Yeah, one would be a snowboard.

Speaker F 0:12:31 Wow.

Jordan 0:12:32 Oh, see, look at all the middle class laughing at me now. Oh, you don't go on one ski, you go on 2, you daft fucking pleb. Cheers. Anyway, I've just decided I'm 36. I'll probably be 37 when we go. I'll just go along for the Aperols, and I'll take a few books and read by the fire and do some baking and make sure the chalet's nice. It's probably not called a chalet, is it?

William 0:12:55 That's Butlins. No, no, no chalet.

Jordan 0:12:56 Oh, is it? Well, at Butlins they call it a chalet, so you're not that fucking posh. You can all piss off.

William 0:13:01 Anyway. You alright?

Jordan 0:13:02 Yeah, carry on.

William 0:13:03 Just having a little breakdown.

Jordan 0:13:04 Carry

William 0:13:04 on. Amelia says, I have too many scatter cushions, so it makes it hard to get into bed. Claire, my dishwasher smells like truffle oil. I mean, if it smells like truffle oil after you've washed everything, it's not doing its job properly. You need to run a dishwasher cleaning programme.

Jordan 0:13:21 You need to run a rinse aid in

William 0:13:22 there. Yes. Victoria, when my local M&S only has mozzarella, not burrata. Oh, I hate that.

Jordan 0:13:27 What's the difference? They're just small balls. Burrata. Oh yeah, burrata's the—

William 0:13:31 I had the one with the cream pumped into it.

Speaker E 0:13:32 Oh.

Jordan 0:13:34 Is that what it is?

William 0:13:35 It's true.

Jordan 0:13:37 Grow up. Go on.

William 0:13:39 Do you like burrata?

Jordan 0:13:40 I do, I do really. I like it as a starter.

William 0:13:43 Do you?

Jordan 0:13:44 Yeah. I do like a burrata, but it's very sickly. I can only have half a burrata. You were in my year at school.

William 0:13:52 Half a burrata. Caitlin says, my husband's size 12 wellies don't fit on our Wellington stand.

Jordan 0:13:58 Oh. I love this. Middle-class problems.

William 0:14:01 Steve, there's a wisteria— oh, don't trigger me. There is a wisteria growing through my woven willow fence. I don't know what a woven willow fence is, but I want one.

Jordan 0:14:09 Okay.

William 0:14:10 I'm gonna look one up.

Jordan 0:14:11 Sounds very you.

William 0:14:12 Jane, when my wine bottles are too wide for my wine rack. Oh, that's a good one.

Jordan 0:14:16 Yes,

William 0:14:17 you see, wine racks only really take the standard-sized bottles. If you've got like a magnum of champagne, someone's given you that, where'd you pop it? Jackie, not wanting to get out of bed to turn the fire on because my bed is too cosy. I'm not really thinking that's middle class. That's just you're lazy.

Jordan 0:14:33 That's middle class. Putting a proper fire on, a proper fire, not one where it— well, you have to punch it to get the lights on. Do you remember that? No, none of you. I've lost the room. Jack's nodding away. You used to have to punch the fire—

William 0:14:46 What did you have to do?

Jordan 0:14:47 To punch it. It's like electric fire extinguishers.

Speaker F 0:14:49 Was that whilst you were all sat around the wireless?

Jordan 0:14:50 Yeah, it was actually.

William 0:14:52 Beanie says, having to clean the house before the cleaner arrives. I'd say that's courteous. I do a little tidy.

Jordan 0:15:00 I clean my own house.

William 0:15:02 You clean your own house, don't you? Yes. No, I've been round. You don't have a cleaner. Katie says her hubby complains his convertible gets dusty when the roof is down. Obviously going through a midlife crisis if you've got a convertible. And Lisa says, living in West London and only having off-street parking for one car. Oh, tell me about it. We've just had, in fact, in parking, in West London parking news, we, when we moved to our place—

Jordan 0:15:30 Is that a new feature?

William 0:15:31 Yeah.

Jordan 0:15:31 We've got a jingle, Saf. West London parking news.

William 0:15:35 The previous occupants had 2 cars, and so you could apply if you paid extra for— to park 2 cars on the street, and they needed to write to the council to say, no, we've moved. So, for a whole year, we were paying for 2 spaces, and we've just managed to get a refund. I told you it was interesting.

Jordan 0:15:56 Oh, okay. Jo! Jo!

Speaker E 0:16:01 Yes?

Jordan 0:16:01 Oh, she's here, this is great.

William 0:16:03 Yeah.

Jordan 0:16:04 Can we in a couple of weeks do working class problems, please? So just to bring us back down. So like things like, you know, working class problems, let us know them. So growing up in a working class household, like net curtains, that kind of thing. Only having one bathroom, one toilet, neighbours arguing up front, so you pretend to be cutting grass, that kind of thing. Just so I want to know.

William 0:16:26 One of my flying ducks fell off the wall.

Jordan 0:16:27 The biggest working class problems.

Speaker F 0:16:30 Nice.

Jordan 0:16:31 Yeah.

Speaker F 0:16:31 And if there are any other middle-class problems, keep them coming.

Jordan 0:16:33 And if there's any more middle-class problems—

William 0:16:34 And also a more niche feature, if we have any members of the aristocracy listening, or the royal family, let's do upper-class problems.

Jordan 0:16:41 Okay.

William 0:16:42 Okay.

Speaker F 0:16:42 We're a broad church.

Jordan 0:16:43 We are a broad church. We represent all corners of the country, don't we? That's the whole premise of the podcast.

William 0:16:50 Exactly.

Jordan 0:16:51 Clivero, Working Class Getaway. It's always those Clivero girls you have to watch. Well known to be hanging around Stonyhurst.

William 0:17:00 Well, I don't know what that is. Is that a prison?

Jordan 0:17:03 No, it sounds like a prison.

William 0:17:04 It does. A

Jordan 0:17:05 very posh—

William 0:17:05 Or a remand centre.

Jordan 0:17:06 Very posh private school up north. A lot of famous people went there. The only one I can think of at the top of my head is the former Director General, Mark Thompson.

William 0:17:17 Okay.

Jordan 0:17:18 But—

William 0:17:18 of the BBC?

Jordan 0:17:19 Of the BBC.

Speaker F 0:17:21 Household name.

Jordan 0:17:22 If you Google it, there's— Who?

Speaker E 0:17:25 Tolkien.

Jordan 0:17:25 Oh, there you go! J-L-L-R, Tolkien. Did he go there?

Speaker F 0:17:31 Yeah.

Jordan 0:17:31 Get out.

Speaker F 0:17:31 Is that why everyone around your parts look like a Hobbit?

Jordan 0:17:34 And, and, and, and, uh, and George Godfrey.

William 0:17:39 Who's that?

Jordan 0:17:39 My friend.

William 0:17:41 Well, that's not necessarily a thing.

Jordan 0:17:42 Radio X presenter.

William 0:17:43 Oh, I see. Fine. All the greats.

Jordan 0:17:45 Right, before we go to a break, we'll do some quickfire etiquette. Now remember, quickfire.

William 0:17:52 Quick.

Jordan 0:17:53 Okay. Fire. So this is where—

William 0:17:56 Remember, quick.

Jordan 0:17:58 We're back with another round of Quickfire Etiquette with the UK's leading etiquette expert, Mr. William Hanson. This time, we asked our Patreon G&D-ers to send in their burning etiquette dilemmas, alright?

William 0:18:11 Yep.

Jordan 0:18:11 Remember, you can watch us now on Patreon.

William 0:18:14 And that group chat on Patreon is free.

Jordan 0:18:16 You can join on there.

William 0:18:17 Okay, so you can still send in your dilemmas there.

Jordan 0:18:18 So it's sexandmyboss.com/patreon. If you wanna join us on there. Um, all right, so Andrew says, what's the etiquette for someone trying to get past you on the street when it's busy? Ah, that's a good one. I always move out the way, but my parents say they aren't moving.

William 0:18:33 Oh no, I— yeah, you should move.

Jordan 0:18:35 Yeah. Is it all right to overtake someone?

William 0:18:37 Yes.

Jordan 0:18:38 Okay. Jules says, what's the etiquette when you're on the loo and run out of toilet paper, but the only person in the house is your mother-in-law?

William 0:18:44 Well.

Jordan 0:18:46 Drip dry?

William 0:18:47 No, you'll just have to say, oh, could you you know, call out, and I'm sure your mother-in-law's been there, so just get over yourself.

Jordan 0:18:54 Can I ask a personal question?

William 0:18:55 Okay.

Jordan 0:18:57 Do girls have to use toilet paper every time? Yeah. Do you have to use it on your—

Speaker E 0:19:02 Flaps, yeah.

Speaker G 0:19:03 Yeah, on your—

William 0:19:05 Flaps.

Speaker F 0:19:06 Wow.

Jordan 0:19:06 For those who didn't hear that, flaps.

Speaker F 0:19:07 Izzy just said flaps.

Speaker G 0:19:09 So you have to, like— so it's like every time we have a poo, you have to, like, wipe every time you have a wee?

Speaker E 0:19:14 Yeah.

Speaker F 0:19:15 Cat is quite horrified that I don't wipe every time.

William 0:19:19 Yeah. Oh, I don't need to know this!

Speaker E 0:19:22 Well, you don't wipe your willy.

Jordan 0:19:24 You shake it. And then if you do wipe, you get bits of tissue stuck in it and stuff.

William 0:19:29 Can I just say, I was giving really quick answers, and somehow we're talking about flaps and arseholes.

Jordan 0:19:34 Do you wipe—

Speaker F 0:19:34 I'm not talking about my arsehole!

Jordan 0:19:36 Can I ask you a personal question? Do you wipe your willy with tissue paper every time you have a wee?

William 0:19:41 Just, we're moving. If you sit down, you don't really need to worry.

Jordan 0:19:47 You still have to knock your drops off.

William 0:19:49 It's quickfire, Jordan.

Jordan 0:19:50 Louisa says, what's the etiquette for ketchup? Do you squirt it all over your food or put a dollop on your plate and dip? Are you a squirter or a dollop?

William 0:19:58 No, a dollop.

Jordan 0:19:59 Yeah, is it a dollop?

William 0:20:00 Dollop on the side of your plate, on the sort of the rim, and then you use your knife to apply some onto whatever's loaded up onto your fork.

Jordan 0:20:06 Sarah B says, what's the etiquette if you find out someone at work has spread gossip about you whilst you're away ill or on holiday?

William 0:20:13 I'd take them to one side and sort of say, I've heard this. Is this true? Give them the benefit of the doubt that they may not have done. They'll probably deny it. And then, but even if they do, you go, okay, I'm glad to hear that, because I knew you wouldn't have done that.

Jordan 0:20:26 I'd rise above it.

William 0:20:27 You've told them, I know.

Jordan 0:20:29 I'd rise above it. I wouldn't do anything. I'll put a dead rat in the drawer.

William 0:20:32 Don't do that.

Jordan 0:20:33 What is your stance— oh, this is a good one.

William 0:20:36 Yeah.

Jordan 0:20:37 What is your stance on pets at weddings?

William 0:20:40 Do you mean bringing your own pet and you're a guest, or it is your wedding and you're bringing your pet?

Jordan 0:20:45 That one. So dogs down the aisle kind of thing.

William 0:20:49 Well, if you wanna do it— Now,

Jordan 0:20:51 be careful what you're saying, 'cause I was there, and I was a beautiful page girl.

William 0:20:54 Page girl? It's a page boy or a bridesmaid.

Jordan 0:20:58 I said page girl, so shut up.

William 0:21:00 Page 3 girl, more like, for Diego.

Jordan 0:21:01 Oh, shut up.

William 0:21:02 Yeah, if you wanna do it, it's your wedding, your rules.

Jordan 0:21:05 Okay. Kira says, what's the etiquette if you're in an aisle seat next to a stranger on public transport and it's no longer busy? Should you move or stay put? I always think that. So if you kind of sit next to someone and there's loads of seats left, that's a great question. So say you're on the bus. Yeah. Yeah. And you sat next to someone and you're in the aisle seat, do you move to give them room?

William 0:21:25 Yes, but I would own it. And rather than just like moving and not saying anything, and say, allow me to give you some space, and then move.

Jordan 0:21:33 Yeah, yeah. I always think that.

William 0:21:34 Otherwise they're gonna think that it is personal.

Jordan 0:21:35 Yeah. James says, what's the etiquette for telling your favourite executive producer that their new haircut makes them look like Vector from Despicable Me, asking for a friend, and there's the picture. Oh my God! It's the double! Can we all have a look at that?

William 0:21:50 And look, ironically, Vector's got a popped collar.

Jordan 0:21:54 It's literally the same! Oh my God, you are Vector.

Speaker F 0:21:58 I've been compared to Louis Tomlinson in the past few days.

Jordan 0:22:01 Louis Theroux, you mean?

Speaker G 0:22:05 Not Louis Tomlinson. Louis Theroux, maybe.

William 0:22:11 I think Louis Theroux's a better— a better—

Speaker F 0:22:13 I'll take Louis Theroux.

William 0:22:15 Yeah.

Speaker F 0:22:15 Heartthrob of the nation.

Jordan 0:22:17 I've got his glasses at home.

William 0:22:18 Does he not want them back?

Jordan 0:22:21 Yeah, I told you that. I picked up his goodie bag at the NTAs and he took mine. Took my house keys and my flags, and I went home with his. I've never told you this. I said, oh, I've got— I DM'd him and I've got your bag. Do you want me to post them? And he said, Louis Theroux, famous man who wears glasses, went, ah, don't worry, they're only from Boots. You're like, you know, like the pound ones you get from Boots. Louis Theroux's glasses are from Boots.

William 0:22:48 Gosh, well, that's a Daily Mail headline tomorrow, isn't it?

Jordan 0:22:53 Hi, uh, we'll go to a little break and then we'll do some of your responses and comments.

William 0:22:56 Jolly good.

Jordan 0:22:57 Other bits.

William 0:26:04 Welcome back, GNDivas. Lucy has some intel on the wonderful world of dyslexia. Pay attention, Jordan. Hello to the wonderful Sexted team, 4 exclamation marks. I've just listened to your recent episode, Help, I Hate His Name, and wanted to comment on Jordan's mention of dyslexia. I am dyslexic— apologies, William, for any poor grammar, blame the Lexia— and so is my 14-year-old son. Alongside his dyslexia, he also has dyspraxia and cognitive processing disorder. I thought you might find it interesting to know that dyslexia can often occur alongside other forms of neurodiversity, including dyspraxia and ADHD.

Jordan 0:26:39 My mum and brother have got dyspraxia. I think I might have that as well, but that I've not been diagnosed with. You

William 0:26:46 haven't been diagnosed with ADHD either.

Jordan 0:26:48 I mean, I know, I've been— I know I'm—

William 0:26:50 But are you diagnosed dyslexic?

Jordan 0:26:51 Yeah.

William 0:26:52 Oh, you are?

Jordan 0:26:52 Okay.

William 0:26:53 At uni. So Jordan, you're—

Jordan 0:26:54 Got a free laptop.

William 0:26:54 So Jordan, you're certainly not alone, and yes, you are completely normal as far as neurodiversity goes. Thought you might find this interesting, and happy October, National Dyslexia Awareness Month. Love you all, and thanks for the giggles. Long time June Diva, Lucy.

Jordan 0:27:09 Thanks, Lucy, that's very kind. I have Uh, again, I don't want to do it because you shouldn't just label it, but I've, I've had a couple of messages from people that work with people with dyspraxia. So I'm pretty sure you're dyspraxic. That's why I mispronounce a lot of words. That's not dyslexia, apparently, that's dyspraxia. And my brother's dyspraxic.

William 0:27:29 Yeah, I've got a relative who's dyspraxic, but he doesn't mispronounce. But I guess it shows.

Jordan 0:27:33 I think that's dyspraxia. I might have got that wrong, but hence why it took me ages to learn to drive as well.

William 0:27:37 Did it?

Jordan 0:27:38 Coordinates and stuff, innit?

Speaker F 0:27:39 Coordination.

Jordan 0:27:41 Coordination.

William 0:27:42 It might be coordinates for Jordan.

Jordan 0:27:44 And I cannot dance. I can't do a two— you know from the tour, I can't dance at all. What? I didn't know that. You hid it so well. Thanks. Thank you. But don't let that stop you. Any dyspraxic, dyslexic kids going?

William 0:28:01 No.

Jordan 0:28:02 Get up on stage in front of an arena. Dance your little heart out.

William 0:28:05 Exactly.

Jordan 0:28:06 There you go. Seriously,

William 0:28:07 do. Gemma thinks she's found the man for Jordan.

Jordan 0:28:10 I thought I was— I was told I was thick at school. I got put on the lazy lump table in primary school. Promise you, they called it the lazy lump table. This was in the '90s. It's terrible.

William 0:28:18 Yeah, but we went in for that sort of soft bullying in the '90s, so it was character building.

Jordan 0:28:22 Yeah, that is true. It didn't do us any harm, did it?

William 0:28:24 No. Gemma thinks she's found the man for Jordan. She says, I think Jordan needs to give my chimney sweep a go. He's got a flat cap and everything, so surely he's the real deal. Well, The team have tracked down Gemma's Geordie chimney sweep. He's Tommy from Tyne Valley Chimney Sweep, and he's got something to say to you, Jordan.

Jordan 0:28:41 Look, I'm seeing it! That's exactly how you want your chimney sweep. He's got a little neckerchief on as well. That's what I wanted, not some bloke in trackies. That's what you want your chimney sweeps to look like.

William 0:28:52 Well, let's have a listen to what Tommy says.

Speaker H 0:28:54 Oi, guv'na! Jordan, a'right, mate? My name's Tommy, and I run a company up north called Tyne Valley Chimney Sweep. sweep, and I hear you have had a bit of a rough time recently with a chimney sweep turning up in tracksuit bottoms. First things first, I think if he turned up in tracksuit bottoms, he was probably lost on his way to the gym. The correct PPE for a chimney sweep these days is obviously your cap, your scarf, and your bib and braces. Things have moved on a little bit, and the tradition is still there slightly, with a bit of an edge in terms of the Pokémon socks. Oh! Anyway, before I leave, I've got a couple of points, one question. Do you know why a chimney sweep is classed as good luck? Do you know the story behind it? And my last point I wanna make before I leave is Sunland University. Are you having a laugh? Have a good day.

Jordan 0:29:39 Oh, see, look at that!

William 0:29:41 Look, he did it! Oh, he did the heel click! He did the heel click!

Jordan 0:29:43 Is that much to— What a top bloke! That's all I ask for, me chimney sweeps.

William 0:29:47 He's got very— He's got luminous— So what you might not have seen, if you were listening to this, is that he's got a sort of yellow— He does look the part. And then the camera just panned down to his socks that were, as he describes, Pokémon yellow.

Jordan 0:29:58 I'm gonna say it as well. That's how chimney sweeps should look. Thanks for that. Butchers, right? I know you can't say it.

William 0:30:05 Oh, now he's coming for butchers.

Jordan 0:30:06 I want them to be fat. I do. I want butchers to be burly. I don't want a slim butcher or a baker. Be burly.

Speaker F 0:30:15 What about a candlestick maker?

Jordan 0:30:16 I don't care about them, but butchers and bakers, I want— I know you can't say this— I want you to be big lads, right? I don't want a slim Fit, lean butcher. I want a fat bloke who's gonna sell me his sausage. That's all I'm saying. But what was that he asked us in that question?

William 0:30:33 Why is it good luck to shake hands with the chimney sweep? And indeed, there's a whole plot point in Mary Poppins is when Mr. Banks shakes Bert's hand. Why is it? Well, I don't know.

Jordan 0:30:41 Is it?

William 0:30:41 There's obviously a history. Are you going to tell us this?

Jordan 0:30:43 It's gonna be an etymology lesson.

Speaker F 0:30:45 History lesson.

William 0:30:46 Oh, I assumed that we were throwing over to one of you and you were gonna tell us.

Jordan 0:30:49 We'll do an etymology lesson.

William 0:30:51 I'm doing puffs next week. Week after.

Jordan 0:30:54 We'll do one in a couple of weeks.

William 0:30:56 Okay, fine.

Jordan 0:30:57 There you go. Well produced, that.

William 0:30:59 Well, thank you for that. What, he's a fireman as well? Apparently Tommy is also a fireman.

Jordan 0:31:06 He's very handsome, and he's like a dog with 2 dicks in the corner over there. I'm gonna call it out. And you're not denying it.

William 0:31:13 Dave is adding a whole new dimension to the sit-down wee hammock chat. Goody-goody. I've told everyone about

Jordan 0:31:20 this. And it split the room.

William 0:31:23 Yeah, because it's vile.

Jordan 0:31:24 I actually got told off because we was in a very important meeting at Global Radio with a few bosses, but it split the room.

William 0:31:30 Dear William Jordan and the entire Sex Ed team, your recent chat about the sit-down wee hammock took me back to a rather enlightening discussion we had at work. I don't recall exactly how it started, but somehow we got onto the subject of how far you pull your pants down when sitting on the loo. It soon became apparent that there's a complete gender divide in our office. All the men sit down with their pants around the ankles, while all the women only lower theirs to their knees. Both sides were utterly flabbergasted by the other side's way of removing their undergarments for such purposes. My own theory is that for a man, lowering your pants only as far as your knees wouldn't allow a sufficient knee gap. This would push the testicles too far back, resulting in what we might call Nutella nutsack. It would be interesting to know whether such a gender divide exists elsewhere, perhaps even among the Sexed crew. Much love, Dave, potentially your 11th straight male listener.

Jordan 0:32:17 I do think that that is maybe an actual good theory. It's a thing. Izzy, are you down to your knees?

William 0:32:28 I mean, can we ask this in a workplace?

Jordan 0:32:31 Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, I think that's fair to say. You're down to your— How do you wipe your bum? Do you go under, or do you lean across?

William 0:32:40 I'm not answering this question. I've never thought— I actually have never thought about it. I'd have to do it to— Think about it. How'd you wipe yours?

Jordan 0:32:49 I'm not answering that.

William 0:32:51 Exactly, there we go.

Jordan 0:32:52 It's a bit of a personal question, isn't

Speaker F 0:32:53 it? That's a bit much, William. Oh, what's that? Bloody hell.

Jordan 0:32:57 It's not an episode of Mrs. Brown's Boys, come on, not all over the town.

William 0:33:00 Emphasis on brown.

Jordan 0:33:01 Oh God. But yeah, I do. I'm right down to the ankles. I assume you are as well.

William 0:33:08 And the pants.

Jordan 0:33:08 You as well? Yeah.

William 0:33:14 Joe? No, we are not asking this!

Jordan 0:33:16 Soph?

William 0:33:17 You do not have to answer these questions. Sophia, don't humour him.

Speaker F 0:33:23 William, you just asked that question. Do

Jordan 0:33:25 you even— when you've got your knickers on, do you put them down?

William 0:33:32 Well, continuing the—

Jordan 0:33:33 I love that you laughed at that. If you— it's a good job you're from East Lancs, 'cause if anyone else said that to you, I'd be in an HR meeting.

William 0:33:40 Well, continuing the theme of sit-down wee hammocks, we put out Jordan North's poll on the subject. 30% of GNDivas said they've done it. 14% said that they haven't done it, but they would consider it. Whereas the majority, thank God, 56% of GNDivas said no, just no.

Jordan 0:33:57 Okay.

William 0:33:57 So there we go. Thank you, GNDivas. Jordan, your eyesight isn't the only thing that's getting worse apparently. It says, hi everyone, optician here. Yellow with black font is easier to read because it increases the contrast. Comic Sans is also a simple font with larger spacing, which makes it easier for the brain to distinguish between individual letters. Jordan should definitely have a… colorimetry assessment.

Jordan 0:34:21 Oh god, not another one.

William 0:34:22 As there might be a particular colour that works even better for him.

Jordan 0:34:26 Another problem I've got.

William 0:34:27 Jordan—

Jordan 0:34:27 Do I have to take my pants down for this? 'Cause it seems to every time I go— I've gone to doctors with a mole that needs checking and he's got a finger up me arse,

William 0:34:36 so. Yeah, that's not

Speaker F 0:34:37 the doctors you're going to.

Jordan 0:34:39 Honestly, I'm gonna need to— honestly, it's getting ridiculous now.

Speaker F 0:34:43 That could, that could be a special—

Jordan 0:34:44 I had an ear infection the other year, last Christmas. Before you know it, he's putting the friggin gloves and lube on again. It's every time, this doc.

William 0:34:52 Jordan also mentioned that his eyesight is going, quote unquote. He's just getting old and probably needs glasses.

Jordan 0:34:57 I do have glasses.

William 0:34:58 I'm getting some new glasses tomorrow.

Jordan 0:34:59 I do have glasses. I wear them all the time at home, but I never wear them in public.

William 0:35:03 You should.

Jordan 0:35:03 I know I should really. I need 'em for the studio as well. It's getting bad.

William 0:35:07 They've said that you should Google presbyopia. It's the normal age-related—

Jordan 0:35:12 I'll play

William 0:35:13 in them next week. It's the normal age-related loss of the eye's ability to focus on close-up subjects, typically beginning after the age of 40. Ooh, not long.

Jordan 0:35:22 Not long.

William 0:35:23 No. And Charlotte has made a horrifying discovery. Apparently, my arsehole Has a lot in common with cowpox. Okay. Hello, Charlotte writes. Not a dilemma.

Jordan 0:35:35 I was gonna make a joke then, but it would've been—

William 0:35:37 Inappropriate.

Jordan 0:35:39 Yeah. Very.

William 0:35:41 I think your mind went where my mind went, and we will move on. Not a dilemma, but unfortunately it's fever season and it's hit our house. I've just given my son some cowpox using a little syringe that comes with it. And as I popped the syringe out after each dose, all I could think about was William's arsehole.

Jordan 0:35:56 Did it make the same noise?

William 0:35:58 The worst part, my husband even said it out loud at one point.

Jordan 0:36:01 Brilliant.

William 0:36:01 So now apparently cowpox syringes are forever ruined for us.

Jordan 0:36:05 That's my legacy. Oh, William's arse. I'd put that on my gravestone. Here lies Jordan North, William's arse. Oh, I can't do that, I've got a mouthful, so fuck that arse.

William 0:36:15 Didn't mean to hurt you.

Jordan 0:36:18 All right, let's finish with our comment of the week. This can be a comment from Spotify, YouTube, or any of our socials.

William 0:36:24 Before we get to our favourite one, here are some honourable mentions. Blake on Spotify. What if I said, surely we give the gas money joke a rest now, yeah? There's never been a horse more beaten to death.

Jordan 0:36:33 What? Oh, what's— gas— oh, for the— oh shit.

William 0:36:37 He's even forgotten. No, no, I wouldn't. I wouldn't even bother.

Jordan 0:36:40 I'm actually going to pay you up.

William 0:36:42 Let's not upset Blake.

Jordan 0:36:44 Sorry, Blake. We have been harping on about that. Did I tell you my theory about bisexuals and peanut butter?

William 0:36:49 Yes. Gendievers, what would you like Jordan to continue talking about? Bisexuals and peanut butter or the gas money?

Jordan 0:36:59 How much do I— Remind me and I'll pay you. We're going for a drink after this, right? We are. Alright, I'll pay you.

William 0:37:03 It's on you. We can go for a Michelin-star dinner at this rate. Regarding the à la mode à la carte chat we had recently, Archie Richards on YouTube said, à la car— He was the comedian that was on Traitors, wasn't he?

Jordan 0:37:16 Damn.

William 0:37:17 Very funny.

Jordan 0:37:18 Very good.

William 0:37:18 But our Commenter of the Week goes to Eve on YouTube saying, William's expression when Jordan is talking about the sit-down wee hammock Botox might freeze his face, but nothing can hide that stare of utter disgust. Mm. Got a top-up tomorrow. No, today!

Jordan 0:37:30 Today?

William 0:37:32 Yes, I've got my Botox. So after our drink— in fact, actually, I can't actually have a drink because I've got Botox afterwards. So—

Jordan 0:37:38 Oh, actually?

William 0:37:38 Yeah. Oh, it's at 6. What?

Jordan 0:37:42 Well, I wanted to have a drink.

William 0:37:44 Well, you can have a drink.

Jordan 0:37:45 Oh, well, I could have gone to the bloody gym. Oh,

William 0:37:48 what? You can have a drink. I mean, look, Jordan, I'm so easily led. I'll probably have a drink and I'll just bruise tomorrow, but it's fine. Okay? It's nothing that a foundation won't cover.

Jordan 0:37:56 But obviously, medical advice, don't drink before Botox. Don't drink before Botox, yes, please. 'Cause Dr. Ali wouldn't be happy.

William 0:38:01 No, he would not be happy. And this will be going out after I see him, so that's fine.

Jordan 0:38:05 If you wanna get in touch about something that isn't a dilemma or a problem, drop into our DMs, send us an email to help@sexandmyboss.com. And if 2 episodes a week of Sex Ed isn't enough for you, Then why not check out our Patreon channel, Help I Sexed My Boss Out of Office, for ad-free listening and extra brand new episodes every Wednesday. We also love hearing back from the people we offer advice to, so if that's you, get back in touch and we'll see you on Tuesday.

William 0:38:30 Goodbye.