Help She’s Eating A Kebab Out Of My Anus | And Jordan’s Moonlanding

Jordan North 0:01:38 Hello and welcome to Help, I Sexted My Boss, the podcast where we help you navigate the challenges of modern life, answering your 21st century questions and finding solutions to everyday dilemmas. Like, when is the correct age to stop calling a young man master? And how do you stop your co-host from being jealous about not having pantry muffs, darling? And what should you do if you've accidentally sexted your boss? But we're not usually liking the answer, are we, William Hanson?

William Hanson 0:02:12 No, we're not, Jordan North. I'm more out on the lash, you're more corned beef hash. That's from Sam.

Jordan North 0:02:17 I've not had corned beef hash for ages and I'm going to make it this week, I think.

William Hanson 0:02:20 Are you?

Jordan North 0:02:20 Yeah, for me tea. I'm going to have it for me tea. Do you want to come round, Iz? Yeah. Yeah, girl. You're the only other person in my life that's not family that appreciates my corned beef hash. Everyone else dreads it.

William Hanson 0:02:34 Well, yeah. Have you had his corned beef hash though?

Jordan North 0:02:36 I've had Izzy's, but she's not had mine.

William Hanson 0:02:39 A lot of people think that's true.

Jordan North 0:02:40 Kylie Minogue's had my corned beef hash. I know she had my mum's as well.

William Hanson 0:02:46 Did she? Did she have both of yours?

Jordan North 0:02:48 I had— I made it, then my mum made it.

William Hanson 0:02:50 Isn't she lucky? Yeah. Lucky, lucky, lucky. Right, I'll do the toast. G and D. Oh, there we go. Just thank you for keeping the—

Jordan North 0:03:02 Do you want me to do the gin?

William Hanson 0:03:02 You could do the gin, yes.

Jordan North 0:03:03 This looks like the Empire State Building.

William Hanson 0:03:05 It looks more like the Chrysler Building, I think, is the one you're thinking of.

Jordan North 0:03:09 Sorry.

William Hanson 0:03:09 Sorry, just get your New York corrections correct.

Jordan North 0:03:13 Oh, you've had a good week. What's the fart with you?

William Hanson 0:03:17 Oh,

Jordan North 0:03:18 have you put gin in?

William Hanson 0:03:19 No, you're doing that.

Jordan North 0:03:22 Go on, get that down.

William Hanson 0:03:22 Right, thank you. This week's toast goes out to Bethan from her husband Troy in St. Louis Park, Minnesota, United States.

Jordan North 0:03:29 Minnesota.

William Hanson 0:03:30 Hello, William and Jordan. I'm writing on behalf of my wonderful wife of 12 years. She is a big fan of the show. My wife, Bethan, is my best friend, an amazing wife, an incredible mother to our 7-year-old son. Aww. And I can honestly say the smartest, kindest, and most thoughtful person I have ever known. And I'm beyond honoured to be her partner. In addition to that, she is a great gift giver. I, on the other hand, struggle sometimes. So this year she asked me for what she wanted, and I'm hoping you could help me out. Her birthday is coming up on the 14th of November, and she would be over the moon if you would be willing to send her a toast for her birthday. Thank you so very much. Well, one month to go. Happy birthday, Bethan.

Jordan North 0:04:07 Happy birthday, Bethan, from Troy. Where's my water, please? Did you go and fill it

William Hanson 0:04:13 up? I did fill up your water bottle. I think you left it on your dressing table.

Jordan North 0:04:16 Look at that! How well trained are them lot? All 3 of them went up to get that then.

William Hanson 0:04:21 That's nice.

Jordan North 0:04:22 We're doing really— do you know what? You lot are doing really well. God, that gin's strong. Thank you. Thank you.

William Hanson 0:04:30 Thank you, Izzy. I mean, you didn't do anything for me, but thank you, Izzy, anyway.

Jordan North 0:04:34 Thanks, Izzy. Did you see them all move then?

William Hanson 0:04:36 I did. They flinched, really. It was more of a flinch actually than a move.

Jordan North 0:04:39 Fear.

William Hanson 0:04:40 That's what you need. Yes. Maybe it's—

Jordan North 0:04:42 None of this happy-go-oh. We're like a family here, shit fear. Keeps them on their toes.

William Hanson 0:04:47 Uh, okay, we'll agree to disagree.

Jordan North 0:04:49 I'm joking.

William Hanson 0:04:50 I know, no, I just felt for balance. Um, let's just, um, talk about— you're going full moustache now?

Jordan North 0:04:55 So I'm growing my hair out,

William Hanson 0:04:58 right?

Jordan North 0:04:58 Okay, so my hair— so I've not got my fade, right? And it's bugging me, but I've got to stick with it. So I've got a bit of a sideburn going on. I'm just gonna get— I'm just gonna grow the sides out a bit.

William Hanson 0:05:08 Yeah, but what's—

Jordan North 0:05:10 Bit Jacob Elordi. Type thing.

William Hanson 0:05:12 Jacob Rees-Mogg, actually,

Jordan North 0:05:14 I thought. Me, if at all. So I'm trying to— basically, I can't go to the hairdresser and get a fade, which I usually get every week. But can I—

William Hanson 0:05:22 why does your hair affect your moustache?

Jordan North 0:05:23 Well, then I'm just going— well, I just think I'm— the moustache got a lot of love, so it might just be an autumn thing now.

William Hanson 0:05:30 And then it'll be a winter thing. Then it'll be a spring thing.

Jordan North 0:05:33 Well,

William Hanson 0:05:35 no.

Jordan North 0:05:36 There I go. Okay. Just letting it grow. You should see me arse.

William Hanson 0:05:38 See your

Jordan North 0:05:39 arse? Just letting everything grow.

William Hanson 0:05:41 Well, not everything.

Jordan North 0:05:42 So yeah, but I'm growing the sides here, which is annoying because it's the way I often speak to people.

William Hanson 0:05:48 You do. I mean, we all think about our hair a lot, but you do think about your hair. It's just a sort of a bit of a preoccupation of yours, isn't it?

Jordan North 0:05:54 Yeah, I think so.

William Hanson 0:05:55 Yeah.

Jordan North 0:05:56 Do you know when I watched back, um, the tour documentary on Patreon, which you can watch? Yes, very, very emotional. It's great. You can watch it on Patreon. Uh, the whole time I was just thinking, my hair looks shit, my hair looks shit, my hair looks shit.

William Hanson 0:06:10 Was that mullet era?

Jordan North 0:06:11 Yeah. Why did you let me have that fucking mullet? What was I thinking?

William Hanson 0:06:16 If only someone had said.

Jordan North 0:06:17 What? Yeah, but I'm not— why didn't you tell me? Like a right knob. My best part of a year walking like a right dick. I'm joking, it weren't that bad, but yeah.

William Hanson 0:06:28 No, but I think I said at the time I had seen you with better haircuts.

Jordan North 0:06:32 Do you not like the moustache?

William Hanson 0:06:33 I just prefer it— the trouble is, I don't cope very well when people suddenly change something about their appearance. And I've known you for longer where you just had your beard, and it was all a consistent sort of length, upper lip and cheek jowls, chins, that sort of thing. So when you then change that, I think my sort of slight equilibrium is put off. It's like if I came in with a skinhead or a nose ring, you'd go like, what are you doing?

Jordan North 0:07:00 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:07:01 Yeah, you think it's odd.

Jordan North 0:07:02 But I'd encourage you and your positive steps towards moving on in life.

William Hanson 0:07:07 I don't need a nose ring.

Jordan North 0:07:08 I think you do.

William Hanson 0:07:09 Getting a nose ring at 37 is a bit tragic.

Jordan North 0:07:11 No, sorry if you've got a nose ring at 37 and you're listening. There'll be many people with nose rings. But anyway, what's been going on?

William Hanson 0:07:19 All the bull community that listen to us. What's been going on? Just alienated them.

Jordan North 0:07:22 How's your week been?

William Hanson 0:07:23 Well, I'm lucky to be alive.

Jordan North 0:07:24 Oh no, you've not been in hospital again?

William Hanson 0:07:26 No. And go.

Jordan North 0:07:33 That was on the phone. I could tell you were doing that. Are you okay? What's happened?

William Hanson 0:07:37 Well, so as you know, I went over to Spain, and even before I left the house— well, I was leaving the house to get into my taxi. It was an early morning flight, obviously, because it's Spain. And I was going through— the taxi was waiting for me in the street, and I was going in between our car and Next door's car. And next door isn't— we've got new neighbours, and they've now got a bike rack on the back of their car. And let me tell you, at 4 AM in the morning when you're a bit tired, and this bike rack on a family-size mini SUV is basically at 6-foot— well, just under 6-foot height level, and I went whack into it and went right into my eye, and I dropped to the floor and screamed. The Uber driver came out. I've got a reconstruction. If you would like to see the reconstruction.

Jordan North 0:08:22 Oh my God. Also, why would you get in such an early flight? That's—

William Hanson 0:08:25 Because it's Spain.

Jordan North 0:08:26 Yeah, but you can, you can get like a 10, 11 o'clock flight.

William Hanson 0:08:29 No, not, not from my airport.

Jordan North 0:08:31 Why? I don't understand why people care. I used to, but now I'm just like, oh, I can get an extra couple of hours in bed. You end up spending more money at airport. You do. To save 30, 40 quid, honestly, you spend just as much at airport.

William Hanson 0:08:44 Press play on that.

Jordan North 0:08:46 Oh, that. Okay, now it's like 999, that. Do you remember 999? You created your own— I mean, that— Joe, get this up on Carousel ASAP, love. So were you crying?

William Hanson 0:09:05 Yes.

Jordan North 0:09:06 Did you— have you informed the neighbours?

William Hanson 0:09:09 Have I informed the neighbours?

Jordan North 0:09:10 It's quite lethal, that.

William Hanson 0:09:12 This is what I want to ask you. Should I sue?

Jordan North 0:09:14 I mean—

William Hanson 0:09:16 I think it's irresponsible to have a bike rack on the back of your car when you don't have bikes on it.

Jordan North 0:09:21 You are a bit like Donald Trump. You do have a reputation for threatening to sue people.

William Hanson 0:09:25 I don't have a reputation for threatening to sue people.

Jordan North 0:09:28 2 people.

William Hanson 0:09:28 I'm gonna sue you!

Jordan North 0:09:29 Yeah, so, I mean, all I'll say is it's a costly thing. I maybe just pop round. You don't want to get out and just be like, I actually do think it's quite—

William Hanson 0:09:39 Well, they did take in my iron yesterday, so actually maybe it's not the time to do it.

Jordan North 0:09:42 Have you ordered a new iron?

William Hanson 0:09:43 No, we've had it serviced.

Jordan North 0:09:44 What? Fucking hell.

William Hanson 0:09:47 Well, because it's an ironing system, we've previously done tutorials.

Jordan North 0:09:50 You've had your iron serviced?

William Hanson 0:09:51 Well, it's the first time it's been serviced in— well, since I got it.

Jordan North 0:09:54 Oh my goodness. Well, I've had it years.

William Hanson 0:09:56 So they take it away, descale it inside, change— make— because it's a whole ironing system. Again, it's not just an iron. Yeah, and they sort of zhuzhed it up.

Jordan North 0:10:06 You're right, you're better looked after than I look after myself.

William Hanson 0:10:09 True.

Jordan North 0:10:10 That's amazing. No, I wouldn't sue them. But what happened then? Were you crying?

William Hanson 0:10:14 What were you doing? The taxi driver got out and said, go and have a glass of water. So I did. I went back inside. I had like rubber marks on my eye.

Jordan North 0:10:23 You're so dramatic. You are so dramatic.

William Hanson 0:10:26 And—

Jordan North 0:10:26 Did you actually fall to the floor?

William Hanson 0:10:27 Literally fell to the floor. I hadn't had any coffee. I didn't see it coming, 'cause it's black rubber, and it was still dark. And I didn't realise it was there.

Jordan North 0:10:38 Oh, Mr Uber Driver. Help me, please.

William Hanson 0:10:42 And anyway— Hi, guys. Hello.

Speaker E 0:10:43 Were you on your phone at the time?

William Hanson 0:10:45 No! No, don't throw that at me. No. It might have been in my hand, 'cause I was checking the— I mean, I say checking the road, there's only one car pulled up in the street. It's obviously gonna be me.

Jordan North 0:10:54 It's a lot getting up at 4 AM. It takes it, doesn't it?

William Hanson 0:10:57 It does, yes.

Jordan North 0:10:59 So I feel for you. I can—

William Hanson 0:11:00 In fact, I wasn't up at 4 AM, I left the house at 4 AM.

Jordan North 0:11:03 Oh.

William Hanson 0:11:03 Yes, got up at 3:30. Oh.

Speaker E 0:11:06 Hmm. Have you ever walked into a bike rack at half 3 in the morning, Jordan?

Jordan North 0:11:10 I've walked— can I just tell you, I'm not turning this into about me, but I have walked so many—

William Hanson 0:11:15 Why break the habit of a lifetime?

Jordan North 0:11:17 Fucking honestly, so many things at that time in the morning. It's like, it's probably a weekly occurrence.

William Hanson 0:11:23 'Cause do you have coffee before you leave the house?

Jordan North 0:11:25 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:11:26 Oh, you do? Okay.

Jordan North 0:11:26 I have a coffee every morning. Have I not told you that?

William Hanson 0:11:29 You do your little percolate thing.

Jordan North 0:11:31 Yeah, I've got a drip machine, so as soon as I get up in the morning, I have a big coffee in my big Guinness cup. I go mad as well because I'm like so tizzed about it. I'm like, where's my Guinness cup for tomorrow? It's like usually still in the shower sometimes, but I've trapped fingers in.

William Hanson 0:11:46 Oh, we'll come back to that later.

Jordan North 0:11:48 I have 10 minutes, I have an alarm to tell me to get in the shower and stuff, so I have 10 minutes of drinking my coffee. 'Cause I have to, I'm just staring into abyss.

William Hanson 0:11:55 What are you doing?

Jordan North 0:11:56 Drinking me coffee.

William Hanson 0:11:58 Right.

Jordan North 0:11:58 But I've trapped, I have to have me coffee in the morning. I've trapped fingers in doors. It's 'cause you're not— You're

William Hanson 0:12:05 not awake, no.

Jordan North 0:12:06 Oh, it's the shower, caught me balls in door. What?

William Hanson 0:12:11 How have you done that? How close to the door are you standing?

Jordan North 0:12:13 I'm not even joking.

Speaker E 0:12:14 How big are your balls?

Jordan North 0:12:16 Massive.

William Hanson 0:12:17 Not that big.

Jordan North 0:12:17 Like, it, that might be an exaggeration.

William Hanson 0:12:20 You exaggerate.

Jordan North 0:12:21 All sorts. Wash basket always— ugh.

William Hanson 0:12:25 Well, anyway.

Jordan North 0:12:25 Just be careful.

William Hanson 0:12:26 I managed to get to Spain. We had a lovely time. Good. As requested, I brought you back a Spanish cleaning product.

Jordan North 0:12:34 Oh, for me?

William Hanson 0:12:35 I feel like that was so camp. I mean, even for you.

Jordan North 0:12:38 I was trying to ham it up. Oh, is that for me?

William Hanson 0:12:42 Yes, it's Las Tres Brujas.

Jordan North 0:12:44 Las Three Brujas.

William Hanson 0:12:47 I've just said it. Las Tres Brujas.

Jordan North 0:12:49 Oh, what's it for?

William Hanson 0:12:51 Can you not— come on, you go to Spain, you'll be able to read that.

Jordan North 0:12:53 Multi-susos. Is that multi-surface?

William Hanson 0:12:55 Yes.

Jordan North 0:12:56 Practically Spanish.

William Hanson 0:12:57 Yeah.

Jordan North 0:12:58 Oh, is that multi-surface spray? Oh, can I have a go? Wait, can I have

William Hanson 0:13:02 a— You need to turn it— turn, turn the nozzle. Just spritz some.

Jordan North 0:13:05 Can I have a little cloth or something, please?

William Hanson 0:13:07 Um, just—

Jordan North 0:13:08 all right. Thanks, Jack. See, look how—

William Hanson 0:13:11 Another flinch. Thank you.

Jordan North 0:13:13 Jack's about to knock me out. Oh, you're so lovely. Pleasure. That was bought from Was this recommended by?

William Hanson 0:13:21 The Mercadona.

Jordan North 0:13:22 Oh my God. Oh, I'm— do you know what? Crap, get out of here. I'm gone.

William Hanson 0:13:25 I mean, it really— don't spritz it on yourself!

Speaker E 0:13:27 Don't spray it on your own!

Jordan North 0:13:28 It smells great! It's Spanish cleaning product!

Speaker E 0:13:30 That is not recommended.

William Hanson 0:13:31 That is not— we do not recommend spritzing L'Estrée de Bruyère on you.

Jordan North 0:13:35 Look, smell me!

William Hanson 0:13:36 I know what it smells like!

Jordan North 0:13:37 Smell me. Don't recommend that, but— oh, I smell like a— honestly, you know, people spend a fortune Mhm. On fingies. They're gonna, what are you wearing? Spanish toilet. Smell that!

William Hanson 0:13:49 No, that's not the bathroom cleaner. That's just the multi-surface spritz.

Speaker E 0:13:52 Do you know what brujas means in Spanish?

William Hanson 0:13:55 Yeah, what does Las Tres Brujas mean?

Jordan North 0:13:56 Don't know.

William Hanson 0:13:59 The 3 witches.

Jordan North 0:14:00 Well, thank you for that. I'm over the moon. I really am.

William Hanson 0:14:03 Pleasure. Well, I brought back— I would have brought you— given you more, but my suitcase was at capacity with everything I was bringing back. And my suitcase now smells of jabón de Marsella. Because the jabon de Marseille leaked in my case, even though everything was wrapped in lavender-scented bin bags. Jordan. Oh, it smells so good. I know, it smells very nice. They should do it as candles, shouldn't they? Yeah. But yes, my lovely suitcase is now covered in Marseille soap.

Jordan North 0:14:30 So, you know you went away for the weekend?

William Hanson 0:14:32 Yes.

Jordan North 0:14:32 I am— with your other podcast co-host.

William Hanson 0:14:35 Yes.

Jordan North 0:14:36 I would like to take you away for a weekend, because I am being fed so much stuff about this that I actually wanna go. And I've done it once before, and it was class. I think we all do it as a Sexton team. Okay, right. I'm just going to—

William Hanson 0:14:46 which upmarket destination am I being taken to?

Jordan North 0:14:48 I am being fed so many videos on this and I'm literally obsessed. I'm just going to say 2 words to you. Mhm. Butlins Weekender. No. Honestly, right, you dress up, there's class, there's DJs.

William Hanson 0:15:01 Sorry, I'm sorry, but the word class and Butlins do not go hand in hand.

Jordan North 0:15:04 They've got like S Club 3. There's only— yeah, um, it looks amazing. We can get a little chalet, and stuff. We can get one of the high-end ones. They do posh-ish ones. I genuinely think we go and do a weekend there.

Speaker E 0:15:18 Surely William does a DJ set.

Jordan North 0:15:20 We could do a DJ set there, me and you. Butlins, if you're listening—

William Hanson 0:15:23 No, sorry, no, I'm a solo DJ. I don't DJ with others.

Jordan North 0:15:26 Butlins, if you're listening—

William Hanson 0:15:27 You don't see Calvin Harris there with Tiesto, do you?

Jordan North 0:15:29 I am being— Sometimes you do. Are you being fed these videos? Is it just me? Is it just my FYP?

William Hanson 0:15:38 What? Who calls it an FYP? Excuse

Speaker E 0:15:40 me, I thought I was being cool. That's so millennial.

Jordan North 0:15:44 Oh my gosh.

Speaker E 0:15:45 Is that on my FYP?

Jordan North 0:15:46 I've never seen Izzy cringe so much that physically, physically gurning. That is awful. Is that bad? I thought that was cool. Well, it's my for you page, FYP. I thought I was being cool.

Speaker E 0:16:00 Hashtag FYP.

Jordan North 0:16:01 I'd love to go. And I went years ago.

William Hanson 0:16:04 Well, let me know what it's like.

Jordan North 0:16:05 Oh, it's making me itch now, that Spanish cleaning product.

William Hanson 0:16:07 That's because you've spritzed it on yourself, you stupid boy!

Jordan North 0:16:10 I was trying to show off, trying to be funny, and now I'm fucking itching. Christ, I feel—

William Hanson 0:16:14 Your neck is going a bit red.

Jordan North 0:16:15 I feel like American Werewolf. Fucking scratch my skin off me, eh? Ugh. I feel like Sirius Black in Harry Potter.

William Hanson 0:16:22 Have we got an EpiPen or something we can just stab into him?

Jordan North 0:16:24 I'm itching. Anyway, so I want us to do that.

William Hanson 0:16:27 Okay.

Jordan North 0:16:29 Did you hear about what happened in the gym as well?

William Hanson 0:16:32 I have seen the social clip, yes.

Jordan North 0:16:33 Yeah, it's— I'm trying to track the bloke down 'cause some people, like the actual moon landing, are questioning my moon landing.

William Hanson 0:16:39 Just for those that haven't seen the social clip, just the one or two, tell us what happened.

Jordan North 0:16:43 So I was in the gym recently and I've got a track record in this gym. You know, I've borrowed a guy's shorts before and lost them, not given them back. I've ended up hugging someone who was really sweaty and had to get back in the shower.

William Hanson 0:16:56 Sorry, how'd you hug someone accidentally in the gym?

Jordan North 0:16:58 And then, you know, There's all sorts of stuff that's happened in there that's very embarrassing. And I'll be honest, it's quite a trendy gym and what have you. So I go in at the time of recording this week, and I didn't want to talk about it because I was so embarrassed. And they call it a moon landing. So I, as I got out the shower, I took my towel off and went to put my boxers on, didn't see, and the bloke behind me did the same thing, and, um, our bums touched. our bums touched at the same time. Yeah. Now I was also informed, and I promise you I've not copied this because loads of people go, you've copied this from Modern Family. And I— loads of people got in touch, said, funnily enough, this has happened to me in the gym before.

William Hanson 0:17:42 Oh, I'm sure it happened.

Jordan North 0:17:43 Oh, apparently it's quite common because the reason why it is is because nobody wants to be there with the bits hanging out. You do it that quick, don't you? So, and I think he did it.

Speaker E 0:17:51 William does it really slowly.

Jordan North 0:17:53 But the other thing was, what has come to my attention is it was called, um, a splash landing because his bum was still wet.

William Hanson 0:18:00 Wet, yes.

Jordan North 0:18:01 So I thought it was dry, so he touched me and then I had the wetness from his bum on my bum. It was, it was awful, it was horrific. So I talked about it on the radio and then, um, like, like the actual moon landing in '69, many people— we've got a few sceptics.

William Hanson 0:18:14 Yes, doesn't believe in that.

Jordan North 0:18:15 I'm trying to track the bloke down

William Hanson 0:18:16 and

Jordan North 0:18:17 I don't know how that conversation is going to come about. He was about 60, he was about my dad's age, I reckon.

William Hanson 0:18:22 Okay.

Jordan North 0:18:22 And we didn't, we didn't say sorry. I was like, oh, like, we didn't I know, yeah.

William Hanson 0:18:27 Oh, I would've owned it and gone, oh, that was awkward.

Jordan North 0:18:29 Yeah, probably should've, but it was awkward.

William Hanson 0:18:32 But I guess in the moment you—

Jordan North 0:18:33 And then I felt grotty, 'cause obviously I had fresh boxers on, but I thought, I've got his wetness in here now.

William Hanson 0:18:38 Well, did you not get the towel and dry it?

Jordan North 0:18:40 No, 'cause I didn't want him to be embarrassed.

William Hanson 0:18:42 Oh, don't be too polite.

Jordan North 0:18:44 So that's happened to me this week.

William Hanson 0:18:46 Gosh. Okay. Well. Just be more careful about where you put your anus.

Jordan North 0:18:52 Yeah. And before we move on—

William Hanson 0:18:53 Yeah?

Jordan North 0:18:54 There's, um, also a clip that's been doing the rounds on my FYP page. Yeah.

William Hanson 0:19:00 Oh, please.

Jordan North 0:19:00 I really want you to see, and it's a pub in Preston that I've been in, and I do think—

William Hanson 0:19:05 Statistically, that's quite high.

Jordan North 0:19:06 I do think that this is, uh, this is proper British culture at its best, and, and I just think that you've missed out on this sort of— I'm gonna say upbringing, really. So, this is—

William Hanson 0:19:21 Don't blame your parents.

Jordan North 0:19:22 Tell everyone what you can see. So, what does that say?

William Hanson 0:19:24 Apparently, this is just a standard day at Lancashire Gate in Preston.

Jordan North 0:19:29 Lancaster. Oh,

William Hanson 0:19:30 Lancaster. It's someone going around a pub singing on a mobility scooter. Oh, she's sitting on someone.

Jordan North 0:19:40 Sitting on someone.

William Hanson 0:19:41 No one seems remotely fazed as to what's going on in that pub.

Jordan North 0:19:48 Have you ever been in a pub like that? No. Because I do think a lot of the— some of the comments are quite snobby and others are like, this is Britain at its best. And until you've been in a pub like that, I don't think you've properly lived. And I would say to anyone that wants to be a politician, an MP, get in a pub like that for the day and speak to real people. And it just made me miss home. It really did. You could, you could go in the Finney, my old local, right? Yeah. And yeah, you'd go in on your own, and sometimes I'd— sometimes you'd go in and you'd meet your mates and be like, oh, we're going town tonight, and you go uptown and you'd have that much of a laugh in pub, you just stay at pub all night and you won't bother going uptown. Sometimes you're going— it used to be next door to Sainsbury's, a bit like Mickey Flanagan, this. You go in with like bread and thinking, oh, go in, I'll pop in for one. You'll be in there all night in your slippers.

William Hanson 0:20:43 Oh.

Jordan North 0:20:44 And your trackies. And no one would give a shit. It'd be great. That's what's proper British. Staying out.

William Hanson 0:20:49 Dear.

Jordan North 0:20:51 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:20:51 What a shame.

Jordan North 0:20:53 Can we have less of these, less of these snobby comments on social media, please?

William Hanson 0:20:57 What snobby comments?

Jordan North 0:20:58 Not you, just in general.

William Hanson 0:20:59 My entire Instagram's snobby comments.

Jordan North 0:21:01 What in the Live Laugh Loves This? What in the Universal Credits This? I mean, some, yeah, right, fair enough. But anyway.

William Hanson 0:21:08 Well. Shall we go on to everyone's favourite feature, Jordan's Jolly Joke of the Week?

Jordan North 0:21:13 Yes, cue the jingle.

William Hanson 0:21:14 Off we go.

Speaker F 0:21:15 If you like a chap who's cheeky and northern, you're in for a treat with our Jordan. And if a giggle is what you seek, you're sure to love Jordan's Jolly Joke of the Week. Cha-cha-cha-cha, cha-cha-cha-cha-cha, cha-cha-cha-cha-cha.

William Hanson 0:21:31 Oi!

Jordan North 0:21:32 Okay, so this one's from Rachel in Canada via Izzy. Okay. Okay. It says, love the show. Say hello to my brother Philip, who got me hooked on the show. He's probably listening while he's looking after his nephew Felix. Right.

William Hanson 0:21:44 Hello.

Jordan North 0:21:45 What do an electrician and a mortician have in common?

William Hanson 0:21:48 I don't know.

Jordan North 0:21:50 I'll tell you the punchline after the break.

Jordan North 0:25:44 All right, Gene Divas, thanks for sticking with us. Today's jolly joke of the week is from Rachel in Saskatchewan. In Canada. Saskatchewan.

William Hanson 0:25:56 Saskatchewan. Well done.

Jordan North 0:25:57 Is that actually a place? Yes. Saskatchewan?

William Hanson 0:25:59 Yes.

Jordan North 0:26:00 No wonder Celine Dion sings like she does.

William Hanson 0:26:02 But I don't think she's from Saskatchewan.

Jordan North 0:26:05 Oh, Saskatchewan. That's how she sings.

William Hanson 0:26:08 Don't take the piss out of Celine. Who'd do that?

Jordan North 0:26:10 Oh, that's Titanic.

William Hanson 0:26:12 Yes.

Jordan North 0:26:13 Canada. Anyway, says, what do an electrician and a mortician have in common? They both get a fucking shock when they touch a live one.

William Hanson 0:26:21 Wow. It's good, innit? I like that. That's good. It's good.

Jordan North 0:26:26 It's good.

William Hanson 0:26:27 Nice new original joke.

Jordan North 0:26:28 Uh, hang on.

William Hanson 0:26:30 Original to this podcast.

Jordan North 0:26:31 I've got some others right there. Oh, this is a good one. This is from Kev. All right, it's a really good one. I put a litre of vodka in my petrol lawnmower. As I was mowing the lawn yesterday, I ran out of vodka. It's only when I looked I realised the grass was half cut.

William Hanson 0:26:49 That's good.

Jordan North 0:26:50 Oh yeah, that's it for this week.

William Hanson 0:26:51 Lovely. And we should say, after this we're going filming, and you very sweetly, for something that you'll see soon, you very sweetly bought us— you bought me dinner. Well— Which I love a boy who buys me dinner. Can I just say,

Jordan North 0:27:06 it's not going unnoticed that you're not bringing snacks in for the team.

William Hanson 0:27:09 I got brownies.

Speaker G 0:27:11 Did you?

William Hanson 0:27:12 Yes.

Speaker G 0:27:12 I thought Stuart got them.

William Hanson 0:27:13 Well, yes, I made Stuart get them, but it was my idea. We're

Jordan North 0:27:16 filming some Patreon after this, so I've gone and got some snacks here.

William Hanson 0:27:19 What's that? Extremely cheesy.

Jordan North 0:27:24 Cookies.

William Hanson 0:27:25 What they say about this podcast.

Jordan North 0:27:27 And I remember what you said, because I hate— honestly, I'm a northern mum at heart. Oh, where's his butty?

William Hanson 0:27:32 You put it in the fridge.

Jordan North 0:27:33 Oh, is it in here? I remember what you said last week.

William Hanson 0:27:35 Oh, you got me a coronation chicken sandwich.

Jordan North 0:27:39 No, that's not your favourite.

William Hanson 0:27:40 What?

Jordan North 0:27:41 You said roast beef.

William Hanson 0:27:42 I know, I'm joking.

Jordan North 0:27:42 Oh, I got you a roast beef sandwich.

William Hanson 0:27:43 Thank you, darling.

Jordan North 0:27:44 I didn't want you to go hungry.

William Hanson 0:27:45 Thank you, that's very kind of you.

Jordan North 0:27:47 So you can have that whilst we're filming later, whilst I'm not fannying about with lights and cameras and what have you. You know it's bound to happen.

William Hanson 0:27:52 Excuse me, they've been working very hard.

Jordan North 0:27:54 I know they have. I know they have. I know they have. Right, before we get onto your modern-day problems and dilemmas, tomorrow we do have another Patreon-exclusive episode.

William Hanson 0:28:04 Yes, premium members of our Patreon channel, Help I Sectar My Boss Out of Office—

Jordan North 0:28:09 Ooh!

William Hanson 0:28:10 Get a brand new episode every Wednesday.

Jordan North 0:28:12 Last Wednesday saw us do an Ask Us Anything episode where we answered your burning questions and nothing was off the table.

William Hanson 0:28:18 Tomorrow's Out of Office episode is called Posh or Common Autumn Things. We're going to be discussing all things related to autumn and deciding— that's fall if you're American— and deciding whether things like pumpkin spice lattes and playing conkers are posh or common. You can head to help@sexandmyboss.com/patreon to find out more and watch and listen.

Jordan North 0:28:37 Now it's time for your questions and dilemmas. Remember, if you need our help with something, then get in touch. You can send your tales of trepidation to help@sexandmyboss.com. Or you can DM us. We're @sexandmyboss on the socials.

William Hanson 0:28:47 Right, no idea what's coming up. This first one is from Chris. Dear William Jordan and the other one, I'm writing to you from what I can only describe as a very damp and vulnerable situation. Oh, it's the person you met in the gym. Ironically, I've just finished at the gym, had a lovely shower, stepped out feeling refreshed and accomplished, and then I discovered I'd forgotten my towel.

Jordan North 0:29:07 Oh.

William Hanson 0:29:07 Completely. I'm now sitting in the changing room, dripping dry, contemplating every decision that has led me to this moment. I do have the t-shirt I wore to the gym, but it is sweaty. And using the thing that I've just showered specifically to remove the sweat from as a towel feels like it is somewhat undermining the entire concept of washing. So, etiquette experts— Is there another one in here? I need answers. What is the correct course of action? Do I sit here naked until evaporation has done its thing? Use the hand dryer and attempt to rotate myself underneath it like a supermarket rotisserie chicken? Or is there another option known only to… Competent adults who remember to pack towels. Please respond urgently. I'm getting cold. Chris. Sent from the changing room. Increasingly less wet, but considerably less dignified.

Jordan North 0:29:51 Well, you can drip dry. You probably should use your t-shirt. Been there, done that. Or a hair dryer. There'll be a hair dryer in the changing room.

William Hanson 0:29:57 There might be a hair dryer.

Jordan North 0:29:57 Use a hair dryer. No one will judge you. No. If I seen a bloke drying himself with a hair dryer with no towel, I'd be like, he forgot his towel.

William Hanson 0:30:04 I'm going to assume you're assuming—

Jordan North 0:30:05 Don't spend too long on your pubes though, Texas. That looks pervy. I'm gonna assume he's—

William Hanson 0:30:12 Yeah, that's weird. I'm gonna assume he's at a gym that doesn't provide towels, because if not, I would— if the gym provides—

Jordan North 0:30:16 Most gyms don't, William.

William Hanson 0:30:18 Do they not?

Jordan North 0:30:18 No. Do you know? Most gyms don't, only yours.

William Hanson 0:30:22 Oh. Ours?

Jordan North 0:30:25 Yours?

William Hanson 0:30:26 Ours.

Jordan North 0:30:27 Yours? Most gyms don't. I know, like, David Lloyd do.

William Hanson 0:30:31 Oh, okay. Because I was gonna say, if you're at one of those gyms, or a hotel gym might do it, you could— I'd just say to someone else in the changing room, I forgot my towel. I can't step out naked. Please, could you go and get me one? That's what I'd do.

Speaker E 0:30:41 That takes some balls.

Jordan North 0:30:42 That does take some balls.

William Hanson 0:30:44 You'd see them. Oh, is that your joke? Okay. Yeah. Yeah, use the hairdryer. I think that's quite a good idea.

Jordan North 0:30:51 Hairdryer, tissues, or—

William Hanson 0:30:52 Or just get dressed as damp.

Jordan North 0:30:55 I mean, you'll never be quite dry.

William Hanson 0:30:56 You're never going to forget your towel again. Let's put it that way.

Jordan North 0:31:00 No, you will. There's always days. But fair play to you for working out and not sacking it off.

William Hanson 0:31:05 I

Speaker E 0:31:06 wonder how many dilemmas that we've got from people who are currently sat there naked. Obviously, Chris was writing it as he was naked in the gym. Is that a common occurrence, do you think?

William Hanson 0:31:14 What, that people listen to us naked?

Speaker E 0:31:16 People writing in and they're naked.

Jordan North 0:31:17 And they're naked.

William Hanson 0:31:18 Maybe. I often listen back to this naked.

Speaker E 0:31:21 Do you?

William Hanson 0:31:21 Yeah. No.

Speaker E 0:31:23 When you forgot your towel.

William Hanson 0:31:24 When I forgot my towel.

Jordan North 0:31:27 I wonder how many people are listening to us on the bog right now.

William Hanson 0:31:30 Oh. Hello, if you are.

Jordan North 0:31:32 If that's you, just— I bet you there are.

William Hanson 0:31:34 This is from Jeff. Ahoy, Jordan, William, et al. I'm a gay boy from a modest background who works at the V&A. In July, I met a simple soldier, officer of the lifeguards, at the Palace of Westminster, and we've been dating for a few months. Recently, I invited him to a V&A event where the Princess of Wales attended. There was a notable moment where Prince Louis and Princess Charlotte seemed to know him very well, more than just casually. When he introduced me as my very good friend, Catherine's reaction and his subtle response suggested something more significant. When I Googled his Germanic surname, it appeared to be connected to the European and Scandinavian royal families, and in the UK is hyphenated with a name closely related to the British royal family. He's incredibly attentive, but I sense he's keeping something from me about his background. At 3 months in, I'm not sure how to ask about his family without seeming suspicious. I almost feel lied to, but mainly I'm anxious about having a delicate conversation. My questions: How posh do you think he actually is? And

Jordan North 0:32:29 what's—

William Hanson 0:32:29 Very! And what's your down-to-earth advice for addressing this without causing tension? Regards, Jeff.

Jordan North 0:32:34 Jeff, don't overthink this. This is cool. I mean—

William Hanson 0:32:38 But if it— but he also may not be—

Jordan North 0:32:41 He might not want to come across boastful or—

William Hanson 0:32:43 Yeah.

Jordan North 0:32:43 Or humble.

William Hanson 0:32:45 I would— he could just be— obviously he's an officer in the lifeguards. And thus he— and when we say the lifeguards, we don't mean he's in his trunks by the pool.

Jordan North 0:32:52 Yeah. Which one's that?

William Hanson 0:32:54 It's army.

Speaker E 0:32:57 What's the lifeguards? Yeah, I don't know. I assumed he would just— he just had a qualification to be sat by the pool.

Jordan North 0:33:02 No, I didn't know they were called life— is that the— I don't know if I've heard of that regiment. I'm usually quite good with army.

William Hanson 0:33:07 Regiment, not regimen.

Jordan North 0:33:09 I said regiment.

William Hanson 0:33:10 Oh, okay. You mean you dropped the T. It sounded like regimen.

Jordan North 0:33:12 Oh, I'm not quite

William Hanson 0:33:14 Which is a different word.

Speaker E 0:33:15 The most senior regiment of the British Army.

William Hanson 0:33:17 Yeah, it could just be that he is just—

Jordan North 0:33:19 That posh one.

William Hanson 0:33:20 Familiar with being around members of the royal family, and they're all nice people, and so they've got to know them.

Jordan North 0:33:25 Are the Green Jackets still going? I grew up with them. Oof, they were rough.

William Hanson 0:33:28 Love is sweet corn.

Jordan North 0:33:29 The Green Jackets. They weren't rough, that's not fair. I got— my dad got posted to Eton and ended up— That's Green Giant.

Speaker E 0:33:38 Sorry.

Jordan North 0:33:39 Sharp was a Green Jacket.

William Hanson 0:33:41 Yeah.

Jordan North 0:33:42 Sharp?

William Hanson 0:33:42 Yeah. Who's Sharp?

Speaker E 0:33:43 Oh no, it's not— the Green Jackets aren't active anymore.

Jordan North 0:33:46 What are they called now?

Speaker E 0:33:47 It's just not active anymore.

Jordan North 0:33:49 Well, they'll be called something. It's like, you know, my dad was in the QLR, the Queen's Lancashire Regiment. They're now called the Duke of Lancaster's Regiment.

William Hanson 0:33:56 Yes.

Jordan North 0:33:57 And they merged with the King's Own Regiment, I think. Green Jackets. And they still got the hat. I can know them all because obviously we used to live with them on camps.

William Hanson 0:34:05 You did?

Jordan North 0:34:05 Yeah. Highlanders?

Speaker E 0:34:06 Oh, it would be amalgamated with the Light Infantry. the Devonshire and Dorset Light Infantry, and Royal Gloucestershire, Berkshire, and Wiltshire Light Infantry.

Jordan North 0:34:13 Oh,

Speaker E 0:34:14 okay. To form a single large regiment to be called the Rifles.

Jordan North 0:34:17 Oh, the Rifles. Okay, they're just the Rifles.

Speaker E 0:34:20 I think they're a band from the noughties, the Rifles, as well.

Jordan North 0:34:22 Really?

William Hanson 0:34:23 It's like listening to British Forces Radio or something.

Jordan North 0:34:25 I know it is, isn't it? Yeah.

William Hanson 0:34:27 Anyway, um, Geoff, no, I would— I mean—

Jordan North 0:34:29 Just ask him.

William Hanson 0:34:29 Yeah, just

Jordan North 0:34:30 ask him. Just ask him and it'll be really cool.

William Hanson 0:34:31 Tell me about your upbringing. Tell me about your childhood.

Jordan North 0:34:34 Mad that he knows the Princess of Wales and the kids.

William Hanson 0:34:36 Are you still close with your family? Do you go back to see them? Do they come to see you? But if you, you know, if things— it sounds like things are going well. You're being introduced to the next Queen as my very good friend, so I mean, I'd relax.

Jordan North 0:34:51 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:34:51 You'll find out eventually.

Jordan North 0:34:52 I'd get a couple of William's books as well if you need some topping up on your etiquette.

William Hanson 0:34:57 Oh, soon. I'm hoping that my proof of A Fatal Forking is ready for me to give you for your Riveting.

Jordan North 0:35:04 I mean, that's not going to help him with his—

William Hanson 0:35:05 No, it's not. It's not going to help him at all. He needs just good manners.

Speaker E 0:35:08 He might be up for a good forking.

William Hanson 0:35:09 Please.

Jordan North 0:35:13 Just work your way in. Remember, if you go for dinner, it's the forks. Knife and forks, work your way in.

William Hanson 0:35:18 There we go. That's why he's an etiquette expert. This is from Kiera. Hi, William and Jordan. I need some advice on a bit of an awkward dilemma. I had a delivery today, and the driver asked if he could use my toilet. She means lavatory. Obviously, I said yes, because, you know, when you've got to go, you've got to go. I assumed it was just a quick wee.

Jordan North 0:35:35 Oh.

William Hanson 0:35:36 Turns out the man was in there long enough to clearly have a full-on number 2, and when he came out, there was a bit of a smell.

Jordan North 0:35:41 Oh.

William Hanson 0:35:41 Now I'm wondering what the etiquette actually is here. If you're a delivery driver and you desperately need the toilet, is it acceptable to use a customer's toilet for a poo? Or is there an unwritten rule that customer toilets are strictly for emergency wees? Because I'm all for helping someone out, but I wasn't quite prepared to be left cleaning up after a stranger's bowel movement in the middle of the day.

Jordan North 0:36:00 He must have been desperate. And I personally wouldn't mind, as long as he didn't leave a mess.

William Hanson 0:36:06 Well, he clearly did.

Jordan North 0:36:07 But I've got a couple of mates that are delivery drivers, and I didn't know they've only got like 6 minutes between each one or something. Oh, do they? Or 2 minutes, something like that. I can't remember what he said to me. And sometimes they do say— they've got regular customers saying, am I right to use the loo and stuff? Because obviously they ain't got time.

William Hanson 0:36:23 They

Jordan North 0:36:23 want to get home. Um, but if you're a delivery driver, you need a poo, maybe go to a public toilet.

William Hanson 0:36:30 Yeah, but supermarkets.

Jordan North 0:36:32 Yeah, that kind of thing. But, uh, he was maybe desperate. I wouldn't personally, if I was a delivery driver, try and have a poo in someone's house.

William Hanson 0:36:41 No, I think, yeah, I mean, even me, if I were a delivery driver or a postman or whatever, I would not even want to do a wee in a customer's house unless it was like it was going— I was going to have some sort of urological spasm. But other than that, I would—

Jordan North 0:36:54 So if you use a builder, you won't use—

William Hanson 0:36:56 No, I think that's different if you're there all day.

Jordan North 0:36:57 I bet you're one of those people, if you've had building work done, I bet you'd hire a portalo for builders, wouldn't you?

William Hanson 0:37:04 No, but I might have some building work done, or not building work, but interior building work done next year, so I could do it there. But then do I want a portalo outside my house all day? Well, there you go. I'd rather they just use the loo.

Jordan North 0:37:12 There you are.

William Hanson 0:37:13 Yeah, so I'm not one of those people.

Jordan North 0:37:16 Would you mind if a delivery driver asked to use your toilet and then had a shit.

William Hanson 0:37:20 You could make a joke about it and say, you've already done one drop, I don't want another. Could be that.

Speaker E 0:37:27 They'll be wetting themselves.

Jordan North 0:37:28 What would you do?

William Hanson 0:37:30 Well, you can't go, well, yeah, but can I just ask if— Or you just go, you can't, I've got to go out in 1 minute. Will it be quick?

Speaker E 0:37:40 Get out. It's like around a countdown.

William Hanson 0:37:51 Splosh. This is from Sarah. Dear William Jordan and everyone at Sexted, thank you so much for all the joy you bring to so many. You are the highlight of my week, but I now need your advice. I'm 19 and I am away for a week in October, and the weekend I'm away, my mum is having friends to stay at the house. Despite having 2 double-bed sofas downstairs and my parents having a king-size bed, my mum has asked if one of her friends can sleep in my bed. And when I was unhappy about this, she made out that I was being unhelpful and overreacting. As I still live with my parents, my bedroom is my own haven, and everything in there is mine alone. But I barely know these women who are staying. I haven't got a problem with washing the sheets, but I feel very weird about someone I don't know being surrounded by my things and my life while I'm not there. So am I overreacting by saying no, or is my mum's request a step too far? Keep up the laughs, Sarah.

Jordan North 0:38:36 I mean, if there's a spare bed, then maybe they don't have to go in your room, really. I get it.

William Hanson 0:38:41 Yes, I would say if every bed, including the sofa beds, are taken and they need another bed, fair enough. But also— and Sarah, I'm going to say this with love— I don't know whether you pay rent to your parents or not, but if you don't, it's not your house, it's theirs.

Jordan North 0:38:58 It's a tricky one, this.

William Hanson 0:39:00 Is that harsh to say? No.

Jordan North 0:39:01 I'm not very particular about my bed. You don't have other people stay in it if you— dear, if you was like—

William Hanson 0:39:09 Oh, I don't give up my own bed for anyone.

Jordan North 0:39:11 No, I remember you telling me that.

William Hanson 0:39:12 No.

Jordan North 0:39:12 You don't give up your own bed. I used to for guests, but I wouldn't now because I just think that is a bit weird, you sleeping on the settee whilst 2 people are in your bed. But if I was away and they wanted to stay in bed, my brother stayed in bed.

William Hanson 0:39:26 But also, I don't think your mum's friends aren't going to be ruching around your—

Jordan North 0:39:29 Well, I get it.

William Hanson 0:39:30 I, I, I, I understand. But I think it's a— and you could say to your mum, well, in an ideal world, that wouldn't happen.

Jordan North 0:39:38 But fair enough.

William Hanson 0:39:39 Maybe— If it's just one night.

Jordan North 0:39:40 Maybe have one last conversation and don't be stroppy. Not that you're stroppy. But just be— have a serious adult conversation. Be, look, I've been thinking about this and it really is bothering me, the thought of someone in my bed. If they could sleep somewhere else and make another arrangement, that would be great.

William Hanson 0:39:57 Yeah.

Jordan North 0:39:58 Please.

William Hanson 0:39:59 but maybe pay lip service to the fact that, you know, it is your mum's house, so her house, her rules.

Jordan North 0:40:05 All right.

William Hanson 0:40:06 Finally, this is from Andy. Andy's coming. Oh, it still works. There we go. He's gone floppy. By the way, excuse me! They've gone.

Jordan North 0:40:17 By the way, loads of people have been DMing me saying, oh, I didn't get your version. You've got to make sure that you're on the UK settings on Disney+. Is it out

Speaker E 0:40:26 on

Jordan North 0:40:26 Disney+? Yes, it's out on Disney+.

Speaker E 0:40:28 Oh,

William Hanson 0:40:29 already? Fabulous.

Jordan North 0:40:29 So yeah, you've got to make sure you've got the UK settings on Disney+ so that you get me and Sean in it.

William Hanson 0:40:35 Okay.

Jordan North 0:40:36 Because other people have been getting like the American guest appearances. Fisher. Yeah, Fisher.

Speaker E 0:40:42 Fisher finishes Australia.

Jordan North 0:40:43 And don't use dodgy stick either because A, that's illegal, and oh God, you'll get— I don't know.

William Hanson 0:40:48 And you won't get it in 4K.

Jordan North 0:40:49 Yeah, exactly. So it's on. But yeah,

William Hanson 0:40:52 great. I'm glad.

Jordan North 0:40:54 Oh, I waited for you and it weren't—

William Hanson 0:40:56 Interesting.

Jordan North 0:40:56 Shut up, chair! That's my line.

William Hanson 0:41:00 Don't, don't

Jordan North 0:41:01 have to do slurping noises as well.

William Hanson 0:41:04 Did you get into character?

Jordan North 0:41:05 Gee, isn't she swell?

William Hanson 0:41:07 Don't ruin it, Jordan.

Jordan North 0:41:08 That wasn't me. That wasn't mine. Okay. All right.

William Hanson 0:41:10 Um, right, finally, Andy. As I said, longtime listener, first-time writer. It's not LBC. I had some dates with a girl, then on the 5th date, we went out for some drinks. Before this, and in between dates, we had been exchanging messages and chatting about certain things, and it appeared we had some wild side and kinks we both enjoyed. One of these was a mutual appreciation for oral exploration of non-traditional zones. Like the chicken aisle. So on date 5, after an evening of—

Jordan North 0:41:38 Sorry, so say that sentence again.

William Hanson 0:41:40 Oral exploration of non-traditional zones.

Jordan North 0:41:45 I've automatically gone to ear and nostril. Where's everyone else at?

William Hanson 0:41:48 Yeah, I was thinking nostril.

Jordan North 0:41:49 Is that a thing?

William Hanson 0:41:51 Let's get— well, let's see if Andy agrees. Toes! A lot of people are into toes. I'm not into toes.

Jordan North 0:41:58 Into the— yeah.

Speaker E 0:41:59 Toast!

Jordan North 0:42:00 Toes.

William Hanson 0:42:00 Toes.

Speaker E 0:42:01 Toes.

Jordan North 0:42:02 Bumholes!

William Hanson 0:42:03 If you're into toes, you wake up with a face covered in crumbs. Sorry, it was weak, but…

Jordan North 0:42:09 I've done worse, don't worry. I'll back you up. I'll laugh.

Speaker E 0:42:15 I quite like that.

William Hanson 0:42:17 Carry on. I quite like that.

Speaker E 0:42:19 I think it's on the right side.

William Hanson 0:42:20 Right. On date 5, after an evening of drinks and questionable dancing, we stopped off for a kebab on the way home. We got back to mine and things got a bit on the wild side on the sofa. So she suggested we take our food up to the bedroom and continue from there. Now, I'm not one for eating in bed. I prefer not to find rogue food in the duvet, but she suggested we take the food upstairs. Keen to impress, I agreed. Things got slightly hotter in the bedroom, and I ended up on all fours expecting oral of the non-traditional kind. Well, it happened. Then I heard the takeaway tray with the remaining kebab being handled. Oh, I don't actually— I actually think I know what's coming because I've just slightly seen—

Jordan North 0:42:57 Right, so basically he was just getting— Can I spell this out just so we're all on the same page? He was getting rimmed.

William Hanson 0:43:04 Well, he thought he was going to get rimmed.

Jordan North 0:43:05 Okay. That's like—

William Hanson 0:43:07 Also, oral exploration of non-traditional zones. Well, let's not unpick that.

Jordan North 0:43:11 Well, I went fucking nostril.

William Hanson 0:43:12 Then I heard the takeaway tray with the remaining kebab being handled. I then felt lukewarm döner meat— I then felt lukewarm döner meat being gently but insistently posted into my anus, like I was a postbox for bad life choices.

Speaker E 0:43:31 Let's have a little top-up.

William Hanson 0:43:32 Suddenly she was head deep like a fox in a bin. Slurping, moaning, munching away. Not that I was overly complaining. Although we chatted about our kinks, I never thought I was going to become a kebab skewer. My question is, William— I mean, why William? If one finds oneself being used as a human kebab What is the correct post-dinner etiquette? We continued chatting. Is she worth another date?

Jordan North 0:44:01 Just, again, I'm just gonna spell this out.

William Hanson 0:44:04 Yeah.

Jordan North 0:44:05 Just so I've not misheard this or misinterpreted it.

William Hanson 0:44:08 And we don't want to kink shame.

Jordan North 0:44:09 We're not kink shaming.

William Hanson 0:44:11 But I'm sure this is not on the food hygiene certificate.

Jordan North 0:44:13 But am I right in saying she ate a döner kebab out of his arsehole?

William Hanson 0:44:17 Yes.

Jordan North 0:44:22 With the 2 cheeks, it could be like a pita bread.

William Hanson 0:44:27 Fancy some tzatziki?

Jordan North 0:44:29 So—

William Hanson 0:44:30 Yeah.

Jordan North 0:44:31 It, you know— I am worried about kink-shaming here. So I'm gonna be careful. What was the question?

William Hanson 0:44:38 Well, what is the correct post-dinner etiquette if one is being used as a human kebab skewer? I think you say— I don't really like food in bed. I think you go down that route.

Jordan North 0:44:53 She ate a kebab out of his arse. I honestly— just—

William Hanson 0:44:56 What's wrong with a plate?

Jordan North 0:44:58 Just when you think—

William Hanson 0:44:59 Use a plate like the rest of us.

Jordan North 0:45:01 Just when you think you've heard it all, she ate a kebab out his arse.

Speaker E 0:45:05 Do you think they had any chilli sauce?

Jordan North 0:45:07 I hope not.

William Hanson 0:45:08 Oh, you don't want that.

Speaker E 0:45:09 Chilli sauce!

Jordan North 0:45:10 'Cause you don't want that in your bumhole.

William Hanson 0:45:11 No, not again.

Speaker E 0:45:12 Yeah, you do want the dollop of meat, but not the chilli sauce.

Jordan North 0:45:14 Well, garlic would be a much better sauce for the bumhole. Garlic sauce, a much more bumhole-friendly sauce. Garlic mayo. Yeah, garlic mayo would be fine. Probably not fine, but, you know. Chilli sauce.

William Hanson 0:45:25 I've never eaten garlic sauce out of an asshole.

Jordan North 0:45:28 I'm just—

Speaker E 0:45:32 yeah. That's next week's episode.

William Hanson 0:45:34 Yeah, it's next week's episode.

Jordan North 0:45:35 Just, if you had chilli sauce, you'd have an ass like the Japanese flag. That's all I'm gonna say.

William Hanson 0:45:39 Can you remember years ago on one of our early tours, I think it was when we were doing the Masterclub in Hackney. I always remember, this always stays with me. Someone wrote on their handwritten dilemma, do you know what I'm gonna say? How do I ask my girlfriend to wrap me up in cling film and fuck me like a burrito?

Jordan North 0:45:53 Yeah.

William Hanson 0:45:55 And that stays with me.

Speaker E 0:45:56 Those were the good old days.

William Hanson 0:45:57 And I got into burritos quite recently, actually. And I was thinking of that quite a lot.

Jordan North 0:46:01 Each to their own. Maybe just look into the health and safety and eating food out of people. I just don't get it.

Speaker E 0:46:10 I don't think it's healthy or safe. No.

Jordan North 0:46:11 Like, she put it in his arse and— ah, I'm gonna shut up. I'm gonna shut up. I don't know what advice we can offer. Also, it's—

Speaker E 0:46:18 Donna Beat breaks up so easily.

Jordan North 0:46:20 Uh, thank you for your questions and dilemmas. Sorry to everyone in Greece. Is a kebab Greek? Or is it German?

William Hanson 0:46:28 It probably is.

Speaker E 0:46:28 Turkish.

William Hanson 0:46:29 Turk— it's, it's probably got origins in many different countries.

Jordan North 0:46:32 Do you know what the weirdest thing is?

William Hanson 0:46:35 What?

Jordan North 0:46:35 I really want a fucking kebab now.

William Hanson 0:46:37 Do you want to go?

Jordan North 0:46:38 Not out of an arse, just a normal pitta bread. Oh my God.

Speaker E 0:46:43 Would you have it— would you have a kebab for tea?

Jordan North 0:46:45 Used to, yeah. Kebab and chips.

Speaker E 0:46:47 I was walking home yesterday and I saw people like having a kebab at 7, and I was like, I can't imagine having a kebab except for right at the end of the night.

Jordan North 0:46:54 Depends what mood you're in. I'd get kebab and chips on one of those yellow trays with garlic sauce. Yeah. After a night out.

Speaker E 0:46:59 So good.

Jordan North 0:47:00 Oh, it's the best. And then you'd have it next day warmed up.

Speaker E 0:47:02 It is so good. Never eat a full one.

Jordan North 0:47:04 Or sometimes I'd get it in a pitta or a wrap.

Speaker E 0:47:07 I have, I have started getting a kebab because I often have to come home with Diego, and obviously kebab shops aren't dog friendly. So I've twice now been stood at the entrance of the kebab shop, like shouted in the kebab shop, and I had to reach around to pay. Bleak.

Jordan North 0:47:21 That's what she were doing, giving me the old reach around. Thanks for your questions and dilemmas. Remember, you can listen to new episodes every Tuesday and Friday, or join us tomorrow for an exclusive Help I Sexually My Boss Patreon episode. It's called Help I Sexed My Boss Out of Office. We'll see you soon.

William Hanson 0:47:38 Goodbye.