Help I’ve Scalded My A***hole | And Wendi’s Reply…

Jordan 0:02:12 Hello and welcome to Help, I Sexted My Boss, the podcast where we help you navigate the challenges of modern-day life, answering your 21st century questions and finding solutions to those everyday dilemmas. Like, what should you do if pup play turns into piss play? Or what should you do if thousands of people have watched James Buckley call you a briefcase wanker? And what should you do if you've accidentally sexted your boss? But we are not your usual agony aunts, are we, William Hanson, the UK's leading etiquette expert?

William 0:02:51 No, we're not. Jordan North, radio and TV presenter. I'm more heatwave, you're more crimewave. That's from Jump Cut Jack himself.

Jordan 0:02:58 Cheers, Jack. Thank you.

William 0:03:00 What sort of crimes do you think, other than fashion, what sort of crimes do you think Jordan's committed?

Jordan 0:03:04 Go on, Jack, jump on. No, Ben.

William 0:03:06 Hi, boys. Hi, Jack!

Jordan 0:03:08 Look!

William 0:03:08 What?

Jordan 0:03:09 Oh, that's— he could never be a pilot.

William 0:03:11 No.

Jordan 0:03:12 You can't be a pilot if you're called Jack. What sort of crimes?

William 0:03:15 What crimes? Um, so there's some crimes on the paddle courts. Oh.

Jordan 0:03:19 I'm playing after this.

William 0:03:20 Are you?

Jordan 0:03:21 Getting really into it at the moment. Oh, you're not going to the gym? No.

William 0:03:24 Oh.

Jordan 0:03:24 It's paddle.

William 0:03:24 Okay. We should just say Jack is on the mic because literally everyone is on holiday.

Jordan 0:03:29 Everyone's on holiday. It feels like everyone's on holiday on Instagram at the moment.

William 0:03:33 I should've taken the week off myself.

Jordan 0:03:34 Ben, Izzy. Stu. Chairman Emeritus Stuart. Zofia. Where's he gone? North Wales. That's a holiday to him, isn't it? South Wales. Have you gone to check out the North Wales? I have. I like to give them a bit of my money, you know, with the economy being down over there and stuff. So I've gone over there to North Wales.

William 0:03:50 I'm not sure the economy is, I don't know.

Jordan 0:03:52 I've gone over to North Wales, whose coat is that jacket, just to show them a bit of culture and all the proper Welsh stuff. Wow, okay.

William 0:03:59 Hello to our former Welsh listeners.

Jordan 0:04:00 No, they'll like that. In Rhyl, they'll love that. That's North Wales, isn't it?

William 0:04:05 Yes, Rhyl, I believe, is Welsh. Yes. I believe— I'm gonna pour the G&D, but I believe you, Jordan, first time in 8 years—

Jordan 0:04:12 That is not true. You make out like I do zero prep for this show. I actually do. We just have different methods, that's all. I know.

William 0:04:20 I'm being a wicked old tease.

Jordan 0:04:21 Oh, you're being a wicked old witch.

William 0:04:22 Oh! You've got a toast for us.

Jordan 0:04:24 I would like to toast some, uh, Gene Divas that I've seen out in the wild over the past week.

William 0:04:30 We're not, we're not at Whipsnade Zoo.

Jordan 0:04:31 So first of all, that's a tiny portion.

William 0:04:34 It's one measure.

Jordan 0:04:35 Let's get a double in there.

William 0:04:36 You never drink the damn thing!

Jordan 0:04:38 I'm doing today, I'm, I'm, I like to loosen up before paddle.

William 0:04:42 So I hear.

Jordan 0:04:43 So our first toast is to Tim and Paul, the Gene Divas that I met on the train.

William 0:04:51 Okay.

Jordan 0:04:51 They were going down to see their son in London.

William 0:04:54 Sorry, 2 men with a child?

Jordan 0:04:56 Yes, it can happen. Uh, and, and they were lovely.

William 0:04:59 Lovely.

Jordan 0:04:59 So don't do— that's not—

William 0:05:01 I'm— it's a joke because I'm obviously gay.

Jordan 0:05:03 No, they— oh, they were lovely. They— do you know how they met? I was on the train. Is it Grindr? No, I'm sorry. Do you know how I met them?

William 0:05:10 See previous ones.

Jordan 0:05:13 I was on the train and he walked past and threw down the Sunday Times Business. One evening, I went, I believe your friend's in the Sunday Times this weekend. So I met them and had a really lovely chat with them. From Bispham in Blackpool.

William 0:05:29 From where?

Jordan 0:05:30 Bispham.

William 0:05:30 Bispham?

Jordan 0:05:31 Bispham.

William 0:05:32 Say that 3 times.

Jordan 0:05:32 Also, Dan, in our local.

William 0:05:35 Yeah.

Jordan 0:05:36 Right? I go to this local all the time. He's at the bar. He's been a G&D-er since 2019.

William 0:05:41 Love it. So all of them—

Jordan 0:05:43 Not gay.

William 0:05:44 What? Slipped through the net? Well, to all of them, Bottoms up.

Jordan 0:05:50 Do we have any, like— can we say that? Do we do a roll call for our straight male G&Ders? I do think we do have actually quite a few straight male G&Ders. I think we do, don't we?

Speaker E 0:05:59 There's a few.

William 0:05:59 Yeah.

Speaker E 0:06:00 I, I was a fan of the podcast before I ever worked on it. This is true.

William 0:06:04 And Jack is straight.

Jordan 0:06:05 Yes. Yeah, that's true. So if there is any of you, it's like, we'll do a little shout out. Yeah. And anyone— they/thems, gays, you're all welcome, lesbians. We've said it from the start, you're all welcome.

William 0:06:18 We are a broad church. We are. Indeed. How the dickens are you? We've had a lovely little walk. We walked in together. We commuted in.

Jordan 0:06:25 I— William was a guest on my show this morning.

William 0:06:28 Mm-hmm.

Jordan 0:06:29 On Capitol.

William 0:06:30 I got the phone call, someone's dropped out.

Jordan 0:06:32 No, that's not true. I just thought we'd have you on and talk about Titanic.

William 0:06:35 Oh, I don't wanna mention it.

Jordan 0:06:37 Oh, sorry.

William 0:06:37 No.

Jordan 0:06:38 No, it's all right, 'cause people are saying, he keeps mentioning Capitol all the time. I said, well, it's my life. It's my job.

William 0:06:42 What, on air?

Jordan 0:06:43 Yeah, on this.

William 0:06:44 Oh, I see.

Jordan 0:06:45 Not that I read the comments. So I said to him, come on, we'll walk. He went, oh no, I'm not walking.

William 0:06:50 Well, because Jordan, it's hotter than the sun outside. And I just originally— though we had a— we did have a lovely walk and we were predominantly in shade, but I did think, I'm going to arrive at the studio an absolute sweaty mess. But it was fine.

Jordan 0:07:01 Yeah, it currently looks like he's sweating like a goth in Benidorm at the moment, aren't you? But you were fine. It's nice to walk if you've got time. Yes. We had a stroll and we had a natter. Yeah. Proper catch-up.

William 0:07:13 And the tubes were down.

Jordan 0:07:14 The tubes were— they weren't down. By the way, loads of people have messaged me about that last week saying your tubes can be late and it won't update on the apps.

William 0:07:21 Right.

Jordan 0:07:22 Or your tubes, you know, sometimes tubes can be late for 20 minutes. There's many things I am. Yes. I'm not a liar.

William 0:07:26 You are what you are.

Jordan 0:07:27 Yeah, exactly. So we walked here today. It was nice.

William 0:07:30 It was nice, actually. Maybe I should come and pick you up at work more often and we could walk in. I do.

Jordan 0:07:34 I quite like that.

William 0:07:35 You should hear some of the things we said about some of our colleagues. I know. Oh my God.

Jordan 0:07:39 And Mikey, your ears might be burning, but…

William 0:07:42 He won't be listening. No, bless him. Tuned out years ago.

Jordan 0:07:47 Oh, fair. I don't blame him. I don't blame him.

William 0:07:50 What do you mean you don't blame him?

Jordan 0:07:51 For the impressions and stuff. Oh, I see. Yeah. Oh, you little shits, you're doing impressions of me again. So yeah, how's it going? What's the crack? What else been going on? Well, do you know what?

William 0:08:00 Oh, bless you. I walked past John Lewis. You won't be contractually aware of John Lewis.

Jordan 0:08:05 Never even heard of it.

William 0:08:05 No, exactly. I walked past John Lewis on Oxford Street the other day. They're offering piercings now. I don't think that's very John Lewis. I'm going to put it out there. I know Claire's has gone under, but now John Lewis has filled literally a gap in the market, and they're doing piercings. And I just thought, oh, doesn't seem— not sure about that.

Jordan 0:08:26 You're not for— you're not very for piercings.

William 0:08:28 Well, my late etiquette granny always said, if God had meant for us to have holes in our ears, he would have put them there. So she was very against—

Jordan 0:08:35 Did she not have her ears pierced? Did she not wear earrings?

William 0:08:37 Clip-ons, which are not very smart. I just want to point that out there. But she was always wearing clip-ons.

Jordan 0:08:41 Really? Like Pat Butcher?

William 0:08:44 Like Pat Butcher. My mother does not have pierced ears because she can't— even though Granny is long dead, she cannot bring herself to get her ears pierced because she knows that Granny will be up there watching, absolutely livid.

Jordan 0:08:55 Your mum told me when she first talked about your grandmother that she was a snob.

William 0:08:59 Yeah. Yeah, she was a snob. All the best people are. But we all are, really.

Jordan 0:09:04 Have you— would you never get anything pierced?

William 0:09:06 No, I mean, I've got a Prince Albert, but other than that—

Jordan 0:09:11 Fucking big one if it's on yours. Christ, like one of those ones that cows have in between their noses. Oh, a big ring? Yeah.

William 0:09:17 No, that's elsewhere.

Jordan 0:09:18 A bullring.

William 0:09:19 A bullring.

Jordan 0:09:19 Yeah, you'd have that.

William 0:09:20 Right. Presumably John Lewis are now going to change their slogan to Never Knowingly Underhold, which coincidentally, actually, it's my slogan elsewhere.

Jordan 0:09:29 I can't believe you can get piercings done at John Lewis.

William 0:09:31 I just, yeah, you know. I mean, I love a John Lewis, but I just don't think it needs to be— we don't need to be offering piercings.

Jordan 0:09:38 They've all gotta reach the quarters, haven't they?

William 0:09:41 Yes. Talking of quarters, are we yet at the quarterfinals of the World Cup?

Jordan 0:09:45 I said to him on the way here, there was a bit of a lull in the conversation, so I said—

William 0:09:49 I don't know if you could tell, June Deavers, by what Jordan asked me.

Jordan 0:09:52 I said, you watched any of the World Cup? I don't know where I was going with it. I was just filling for time. And he went, yes. And I went, have you? He went, no. You don't watch any of the England games?

William 0:09:59 Not a peep. Mainly I'm— working when the shows are on, the games are on, whatever you call them. But no, I wouldn't, even if I weren't, I wouldn't be watching.

Jordan 0:10:07 So, at the time of recording, I'm at a wedding this weekend. I wanted to ask you, what's the correct etiquette for watching the football at someone's wedding? Do you think they should put the football on for people?

William 0:10:16 No.

Jordan 0:10:18 Do you not?

William 0:10:19 No.

Jordan 0:10:19 I can see both sides, because it's their special day.

William 0:10:21 But what, at what time in the day?

Jordan 0:10:23 10 o'clock, 10 PM kickoff.

William 0:10:24 Well, you see, this is where, and I've said it for years, if weddings finished You know, didn't drag on as they all do. Everyone could be a winner here, other than potentially England. Who are they playing?

Jordan 0:10:35 Panama.

William 0:10:36 Yes, I know that 'cause of the hats.

Jordan 0:10:38 See, I— oh, I know it because isn't that where that guy who faked his death on canoe?

William 0:10:43 Yes. And the canal, Panama Canal.

Jordan 0:10:46 Oh yeah.

William 0:10:47 Yeah.

Jordan 0:10:47 So is it part of America? Is it South America?

William 0:10:50 No, but it's a country in itself. Otherwise it would not be competing in the World Cup.

Jordan 0:10:53 Yeah, where is it?

William 0:10:53 It's South America. Panama.

Jordan 0:10:55 Yeah. Okay.

William 0:10:57 Yeah, it's— I believe it's lovely. Who is statistically going to win between England and Panama?

Jordan 0:11:02 Well, I did say on air with my big gob that I reckon we'd beat Ghana 4-0.

William 0:11:06 Very boring game, 0-0.

Jordan 0:11:09 Nil-nil.

William 0:11:09 Whatever.

Jordan 0:11:10 Nil-nil. Yeah, it was a—

William 0:11:12 Well, actually, maybe I should do that for an Etch A Sketch monologue. Why do we say nil, not zero or O? Where's nil come from?

Jordan 0:11:17 It's nil-nil, innit?

William 0:11:18 Is it French? Nil point?

Jordan 0:11:20 Non point.

William 0:11:21 Oh, maybe I'll look into that.

Jordan 0:11:23 But yeah, do you think it's down to the host? If they're not showing it, you shouldn't really sneak off, should you?

William 0:11:28 You shouldn't.

Jordan 0:11:28 It is a bit tight on the bride, because it is their special day, innit?

William 0:11:32 Yeah. And I mean, look, if everything has finished, and I think the key is, have the couple done the first dance? If they're doing dancing, you don't have to, we didn't. But if they're doing the first dance, you can't really leave before then. If they have and you've had a bit of a boogie, then you could potentially sort of make your excuses and leave, but make sure you say goodbye to the hosts.

Jordan 0:11:54 Don't ever do that again. What? Boogie. That's—

William 0:11:56 Bit of a boogie.

Jordan 0:11:57 Yeah. What else has been going on?

William 0:11:59 Well, I've got into my pre-theatre dinner. I go across the way from the theatre. By the way, the theatre, which is called the Criterion Theatre, or as it was called on Capital Breakfast last week by Jordan, who can't read, the Citron Theatre.

Jordan 0:12:13 That's what it was sponsored. I read it wrong. Criterion. What's Criterion?

William 0:12:18 It's just an old name.

Jordan 0:12:21 Oh, okay.

William 0:12:21 Yeah, because there used to be the Criterion Restaurant next door. It's now Masala Zone, but it was previously a nice restaurant. I mean, I'm sure Masala Zone is lovely, but it's a different vibe to the Criterion Restaurant. Anyway, I go across the way, and I have— I've got into— I've never had one before, but now I'm boshing one almost every other day— a burrito.

Jordan 0:12:39 Oh, I love a burrito!

William 0:12:41 Yes. Well, you want to go to this place.

Jordan 0:12:42 I love a burrito.

William 0:12:44 It's really nice.

Jordan 0:12:45 I bloody love a burger.

William 0:12:45 And they can stuff a lot in.

Jordan 0:12:47 Yeah, can't they?

William 0:12:48 They keep on, and I'm like, you'll never fit all this in. And then they sort of zhuzh it around and wrap it in tin foil. Yeah.

Jordan 0:12:57 Is that what you're having every pre-show meal?

William 0:12:59 Every other day. Won't have it today.

Jordan 0:13:01 What's your flavour? I bet you go for extra toppings now, because you've got a bit of—

William 0:13:06 You know me.

Jordan 0:13:06 Yeah.

William 0:13:07 I go for… Chicken. Brown rice, because healthy. Yeah. Black beans, as opposed to the pinto beans. Or are they the same? Anyway, but there are 2 types of beans, but I go for the black beans.

Jordan 0:13:20 Never know the difference, me.

William 0:13:21 No.

Jordan 0:13:22 I can't tell the difference. No.

William 0:13:23 Some sort of fried vegetables, some peppers and onions. Guacamole.

Jordan 0:13:28 You have to pay extra for that.

William 0:13:30 Do you?

Jordan 0:13:30 Sour cream.

William 0:13:31 Yeah. Cheddar cheese.

Jordan 0:13:33 Ooh.

William 0:13:33 And a lemon sauce.

Jordan 0:13:36 A lemon sauce.

William 0:13:37 They do a lemon sauce.

Jordan 0:13:38 But you don't get a can of pop, do you? You've never drank one?

William 0:13:41 No. No. No, I just have my water bottle. Yeah.

Jordan 0:13:45 I'm gonna get a burrito after this now. I'm dying for one.

William 0:13:47 You go to the place where I go to.

Jordan 0:13:48 I might actually go, 'cause I'm coming to see you next week.

William 0:13:50 You are coming to see me next week. Yeah. I'm very touched. Finally. Just slipped in.

Jordan 0:13:56 What time's kickoff?

William 0:13:57 Sorry?

Jordan 0:13:58 What time's kickoff?

William 0:13:59 Curtain up on the performance that you are coming to is 7:30.

Jordan 0:14:02 7:30.

William 0:14:03 If you're coming to one of our matinees, it's either 3 o'clock on a Saturday or 2:30 on a Sunday. Or if you're coming to an evening show on a Sunday, it's 7 o'clock.

Jordan 0:14:10 Okay. 7:30.

William 0:14:12 7:30. Don't be late.

Jordan 0:14:13 Well, no, they can wait.

William 0:14:15 No, Jordan, you're not the fucking Queen.

Jordan 0:14:17 I'm joking. She would never have been late anyway, would she?

William 0:14:20 No, but it would have waited for her. But we are not waiting for you.

Jordan 0:14:22 Okay. What if I get stuck in traffic? All the tubes are down. I'm having a few drinks before.

William 0:14:29 Are you?

Jordan 0:14:29 Yeah, it's the only way I'll get through it.

William 0:14:34 Come to my dressing room, have a martini.

Jordan 0:14:37 No, I'm looking forward to it. How long is it each half?

William 0:14:41 Um, it's about 2 hours is Act 1 and like 3 hours is Act 2.

Jordan 0:14:45 You better be joking.

William 0:14:46 I'm joking. The whole show is 2 hours.

Jordan 0:14:49 Oh, is it? Oh, great.

William 0:14:50 Yeah, it's not too long for you.

Jordan 0:14:51 Great.

William 0:14:52 Because I'm quite— I'm very flattered you're coming on.

Speaker F 0:14:53 Ireland won't be playing next Thursday, will they? Shit.

Speaker E 0:14:56 Depends how they finish in the group.

Jordan 0:14:58 Shit. Shit!

William 0:15:00 But also, they start late, don't they?

Jordan 0:15:02 Shit.

William 0:15:03 Aren't all the games on at about 9, 10?

Jordan 0:15:06 And you would genuinely be annoyed if I didn't come for England, wouldn't you?

William 0:15:10 I don't— tell you what, okay, I'm gonna be real with you. If you want to move your tickets to the following night, that wouldn't— as long as you come, I don't mind.

Jordan 0:15:18 Yeah.

William 0:15:18 But yeah, I don't mind when you come.

Jordan 0:15:22 Oh god. Do I need England to lose on Saturday to avoid this? Oh, shit.

William 0:15:28 My brother came to watch it for a second time on England-Ghana night. And he did say to me beforehand, he went, I hope you're happy that I will be coming to watch you and sacrificing watching the first half of England-Ghana, but I won't be seeing you at stage door because I will go to a pub and watch the second half.

Jordan 0:15:44 Well, he did— that's where the whole, I love you, come from. 'Cause he said he loved you. That's why he came.

William 0:15:49 He did, yeah. That's why, yeah.

Jordan 0:15:49 We'll sort it.

William 0:15:51 Do you want me to get the— they could put a screen on stage.

Jordan 0:15:54 This will be the third time I've missed Titanic.

William 0:15:57 The third?

Jordan 0:15:57 Yeah, because before you were in it, we had tickets and I couldn't go. Yeah, then the second time because I was working.

William 0:16:03 Oh yeah.

Jordan 0:16:04 And then this will be the third time because of England. Well, the thought was there. I'm sure you were great. Everyone's saying you were great.

William 0:16:09 Thank you very much.

Jordan 0:16:11 Everyone was saying you were great.

William 0:16:13 Well, I'll come and not watch you in the West End whenever you get cast in—

Jordan 0:16:16 I won't do the West End. Oh no. Last week, we had a bit of beef with Wendy.

William 0:16:24 I mean, yeah.

Jordan 0:16:26 Yeah.

William 0:16:27 I don't know what, I don't know. I think I've got a death wish.

Jordan 0:16:30 I think, yeah. If I can remember correctly.

William 0:16:33 You were saying that your mum growing up used to say to you, where else can you find somewhere that you pay £25 a week and get all your meals, all your bills, etc.? You don't know you were born.

Jordan 0:16:44 Yeah.

William 0:16:45 Etc. And something to do with working. And I said, and when was the last time Wendy had had a job? Or what was Wendy's last job? Or something like that. Because your mother, other than raising 4 kids almost single-handedly at points because your father worked away, like my mother, hadn't got a payroll job. Let's put it that way.

Jordan 0:17:07 Well, Wendy's replied.

William 0:17:09 Oh, right.

Jordan 0:17:10 Yeah. She's seen the video on social media.

William 0:17:13 All I'll say is, if anything happens to me, Mikey, I love you. And please make sure my etiquette books are taken care of.

Jordan 0:17:22 Even my sister-in-law, when she seen the video, was like, he's brave.

William 0:17:28 Yeah, and she's got a dog named Oscar. This is Wendy's reply.

Speaker G 0:17:34 Why, William Hanson, I very dare you. I'll have you know I was a very hardworking stay-at-home mother, and if you'd have lived at my house, I'd have charged you £45 £5 just for your cheek, so put that in your pipe and smoke it.

William 0:17:46 Wow.

Jordan 0:17:50 What do you think of that?

William 0:17:51 She looked very glamorous. Where was she?

Jordan 0:17:53 She's on holiday.

William 0:17:54 Oh, is she? Of course she is.

Jordan 0:17:55 Oh, don't start creeping now. All I'll say is just leave it at that. She won't be beaten. You've got a right to reply, but my advice from knowing this strong northern woman is just nod and smile.

William 0:18:09 Mm-hmm.

Jordan 0:18:09 Unless you want to cause more beef.

William 0:18:11 No, no.

Jordan 0:18:13 No? Are you sure? Positive?

William 0:18:15 Not yet.

Jordan 0:18:16 I'd just keep it at that. Or we could just be someone that simmers.

William 0:18:19 Revenge is a dish best served cold.

Jordan 0:18:22 Trust me, she will get the best revenge in.

William 0:18:25 Oh, will she?

Jordan 0:18:26 It was a 60th birthday party.

William 0:18:28 How was that? It was amazing.

Jordan 0:18:30 It was so good. We had everyone around. Um, it was great. Proper piss-up. Proper Northern piss-up.

William 0:18:35 Yeah, I enjoyed looking at the Instagram videos that you were putting up.

Jordan 0:18:38 I had them all up. dancing to like—

William 0:18:39 Not the Fratellis.

Jordan 0:18:40 Proper mum tunes. No, no, no, I found my new audience actually. If anyone wants to book me for any mum 60Fs or just huns in general, or Prosecco girls, I am your man. I nailed it. Played, um, Tina Turner. I had them all. I'll show you some videos.

William 0:18:56 All I'll say is you're gonna love Titanic.

Jordan 0:18:58 Am I? What's that meant to mean?

William 0:19:00 You're gonna love Titanic.

Jordan 0:19:01 Look at this.

William 0:19:09 That's Whitney.

Jordan 0:19:13 Even my dad, look, Grandma Glennis is going. Look at them. Have you ever seen a kitchen as wild as that? No. And then— oh, that's so bad.

William 0:19:30 Suddenly I don't feel so bad about my own singing in the show.

Jordan 0:19:34 Anyway, it was all good. Um, have you heard my dad's speech?

Speaker H 0:19:37 Wendy, happy birthday. I love you very much. We've been married for 41 years. I've loved every minute of it. And I wish you happy birthday. Come and cut the cake.

Speaker I 0:19:47 Particularly the minutes when he's not here. With all our family, friends, and relatives.

Speaker J 0:19:52 I'm fair. Love you to bits, love.

Speaker K 0:19:54 Happy birthday.

William 0:19:55 Aww.

Jordan 0:19:56 So there's that. I was waiting for a joke. Well, here's the joke.

William 0:19:59 Oh.

Jordan 0:20:00 Here's the joke. Listen to this. I can't believe he said this.

Speaker L 0:20:02 Happy birthday, dear Wendy. Happy birthday to you.

Speaker M 0:20:09 Right, Wendy, come on, come on.

Speaker H 0:20:13 I know you haven't done a lot of that in our marriage.

Jordan 0:20:15 So come on, Wendy, blow up. I know you've not done a lot of that in our marriage. His actual first speech was amazing, and then halfway through we're like, we're doing toast and that. She weren't there, she was upstairs getting blow-up bed ready. No one had noticed, she'd snuck off. Putting blow-up bed up, but we had a good— we had a good—

William 0:20:35 How was sleeping on the blow-up bed?

Jordan 0:20:37 Oh, it's fine. Everyone was like treating me like a princess. It was like, you're gonna be all right on there? No, now with your London ways. I was like, why'd you wind me up? I'm fine. It was comfortable. It's really comfortable.

William 0:20:47 I, I think blow-up air mattresses, you're not going to want to sleep on it every night, but as a one-off or one or two nights, it's fine.

Jordan 0:20:53 It was absolutely fine. It was absolutely— honestly, it was, it was great.

William 0:20:56 Good. Well, I'm glad.

Jordan 0:20:58 It was a really, really wholesome Lovely. And everyone was happy.

William 0:21:02 And did, most importantly, did Wendy have a nice time?

Jordan 0:21:03 She had the best time. We had a picky tea.

William 0:21:05 Can she— of course she did. Can she remember it?

Jordan 0:21:08 Yeah, I think so. Okay, good. I'm quite drunk.

William 0:21:10 Okay, good. Lovely. Should we go on to my Ask a Gettymologist? Yes.

Jordan 0:21:13 What have you got for us today, please? What is it? Is it one I've suggested?

William 0:21:17 No, I've gone rogue, if I'm honest.

Jordan 0:21:20 Not napkin rings again, is it?

William 0:21:22 Oh, no.

Jordan 0:21:23 Did you do napkin rings?

William 0:21:24 Probably, yes, I have. Why do teacups have a saucer, but mugs don't?

Jordan 0:21:30 I don't know. Why did it come up suddenly? It's not a joke.

Jordan 0:24:44 All right, Gene Divers, thanks for sticking with us. Right now, it's time for William Hanson's Etiquetteymology of the Week.

William 0:24:53 Here's the jingle.

Speaker O 0:24:54 It's William, William, the etiquette geek. His knowledge, knowledge, quite unique. He'll give you manners, manners, a subtle tweak. It's time for William's Etiquetteymology of the Week. Cha-cha-cha, cha-cha-cha, cha-cha-cha.

Jordan 0:25:12 Cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha. Hasn't Ben got a jingle? What was his one? Ben's Big Hole. What was it?

William 0:25:17 Ben's Big Bender, I think.

Jordan 0:25:20 Oh yeah. We should bring that back.

William 0:25:22 No, we shouldn't. No? Neither the jingle nor the— We can bring it back if you want.

Jordan 0:25:25 I think, Jack, we'll have a Ben's Big Bender next week.

William 0:25:29 Aren't we doing another Sweet Little Lies next week?

Speaker E 0:25:31 We will be soon. So soon. The Ben's Big Bender jingle got slated by you both, to be fair.

William 0:25:38 Well, yeah, because it didn't go to lovely Stephen. All right.

Jordan 0:25:41 Why does a cup have a saucer and a mug? I think I already know.

William 0:25:45 Go on, tell me.

Jordan 0:25:46 Is it to do with Beauty and the Beast?

William 0:25:47 No.

Jordan 0:25:48 Okay.

William 0:25:50 No. Well, mugs basically became popular with the rise of instant coffee and tea bags. So, it was in the '60s and the '70s, basically. Oh, really? Yeah, but we're going to go back even further before we get to the '60s and '70s. We're going to go back to China, which is where tea is from, of course. And tea came over, as I've said before on this podcast, tea came over to Europe in the 17th century. But we in Britain, we didn't it in Europe. We didn't get it. We knew it was made with boiling water, but this was the problem for us because Europe wasn't able to make teacups that held boiling water, so we had to use Chinese porcelain. And indeed, Chinese teacups— and still, if you go to Chinese restaurants today, they're those little cups that don't have handles, they don't have saucers, and they're much smaller. And because they drink the tea, they make it with boiling water, but they drink the tea when it's much cooler than us. So, you know, you can pick up the porcelain cups and you don't scald your fingers. They also hold it from the top and the bottom of the cups. They're different from us. So, because we didn't understand this, we would then add a saucer. Now, no handle, so the teacup didn't have a handle at this point. We had a little saucer so you could pass it from person to person because the hostess would often pass it to their guests. So, adding that saucer meant that she could do that. And then when we started to make our own porcelain in the 18th century, we then added in handles so we could pick it up, and the saucers remained because tea was expensive. Always served, as I say, by the lady of the house. And then demitasse cups, coffee cups, also came with saucers. But when mugs were introduced, saucers weren't needed because they were mainly used informally, and the handle aided distribution, not the saucer.

Jordan 0:27:27 So, why did you have the saucer?

William 0:27:28 So you could pass it.

Jordan 0:27:30 So, the lady—

William 0:27:31 because, I mean, this is another etymology now. You're getting a bonus. Tea, because it was so expensive because it was imported from China, would often be kept in a locked caddy.

Jordan 0:27:40 You've told this up.

William 0:27:42 Yes, I know. And the lady of the house would wear the key for the tea chest around her décolletage— second time I've said that today— would be here. And so, if I'll be mother or lady of the house, that was why it was her duty. Okay. Because they would worry the servants were going to steal the tea because it was so precious.

Jordan 0:27:58 Oh, goddamn those working-class thieves.

William 0:28:00 Exactly. Crime wave, etc. Going back to that. So, there we go.

Jordan 0:28:05 I've always been a mug type of guy.

William 0:28:07 You've got mug written all over you.

Jordan 0:28:09 I like a big mug of coffee.

William 0:28:12 You see, I don't like an overwhelming amount of liquid.

Jordan 0:28:14 Mug. Not what I've heard.

William 0:28:17 I don't. I just like, you know, less is more. That's why I've always liked you.

Jordan 0:28:23 Now, we do only see each other once a week.

William 0:28:26 No, it was a joke about your height, actually.

Jordan 0:28:28 Now it's time for your questions and dilemmas. Remember, if you need help with something, then do get in touch. You can send your tales of trepidation to help@sexwithmyboss.com. You can DM us, we're @sexwithmyboss on the socials, and Also, the address is on the website, sextedmyboss.com.

William 0:28:43 This is from William and Amy. Hello, William, Jordan, and the rest of the wonderful Sexted team. My fiancée and I spend much of our spare time seeking thrills on roller coasters.

Jordan 0:28:53 Oh, those people.

William 0:28:55 Yeah, just mad about the Big Dipper. Unfortunately, this pastime often comes with a particular frustration: people barging past in the queue to rejoin friends who have been holding their place.

Jordan 0:29:05 Oh, I don't agree with that.

William 0:29:06 No. Being British and courteous and keen to avoid causing a scene, we inevitably step aside and allow it to happen. However, we are left wondering what is the correct etiquette for challenging a queue jumper without creating an awkward or confrontational situation. Given William's fondness for Disneyland Paris, we also wonder whether he has encountered this behaviour across the Channel. Best wishes, William and Amy.

Jordan 0:29:26 I think that's such bad manners getting over people. It's all right if you're—

William 0:29:32 it's It goes against the principles of queuing.

Jordan 0:29:34 But even at a bar sometimes I'm thinking, do I do it? You know, if you're at a festival at the bar, it's all right if it's one or two of you, but if it's—

William 0:29:42 Well, should you just go up and order the drinks for your friends?

Jordan 0:29:44 In a roller coaster queue, absolutely not, because you're waiting for seats. But in a bar, if it's like one friend, two max, then it's all right. But if it's more than that, I'd be like—

William 0:29:54 Yeah, but then if everyone in the queue does it, then what looks like a short queue becomes a very long queue.

Jordan 0:29:58 Yeah, fair. Yeah.

William 0:30:01 But also at a bar, like, if I— rather than me joining you at the bar and going, oh, and I'll have a gin and tonic, or whatever, just you order me a gin and tonic.

Jordan 0:30:07 How would you deal with it?

William 0:30:08 Well, I haven't dealt with this at Disneyland Paris, but at Disneyland Shanghai, when I was there in 2019, we had a lot of this. And people would go, I'm joining my friend. And we would go, who's your friend? And they'd sort of point vaguely in the distance. And I remember literally pushing people back over the barriers gently, going, no, because they were just trying to climb over the barriers. It was actually the most interesting thing other than Tron. Oh my God, the Tron ride there is amazing, but that's a whole other story. My friend's contact lens flew out. But yeah, having to police the queue was quite fun. 2 Brits policing the queue.

Jordan 0:30:40 My friend's contact lens fell out. Have you been to every Disney?

William 0:30:44 Nope. Haven't been to Hong Kong Disney. Haven't been to Tokyo Disney.

Jordan 0:30:48 Have you seen Come Fly With Me where she gets asked, why do I like Disney?

William 0:30:52 Yeah.

Jordan 0:30:53 Well, Because I'm a bit thick, really. That's what I always think of. Why is it you like Disney?

William 0:30:59 Because it unlocks childhood memories.

Jordan 0:31:01 Well, I know someone really close to me who likes Disney, but she had a lot of childhood trauma.

William 0:31:05 Well, everyone has trauma.

Jordan 0:31:08 So—

William 0:31:08 Some of us deal with it.

Jordan 0:31:09 She says Disney makes her feel happy.

William 0:31:10 It does! I can't— well, I've told you I'm going to— it's why I've only extended. Thank you for mentioning it. It's why I've only extended for one week for Titanique.

Jordan 0:31:18 Oh, you did ask me, darling, would you mention I've been extended on Titanique for a week and not me? But yeah, you, you're doing an extra week, aren't you?

William 0:31:25 And can I just say thank you to the Gene Divas who all messaged me? Because I think on this podcast previously I had said, and you had said, what happens if they want to extend you? And I said, no, I'm going on holiday. And then when it was announced I was extending, my DMs were flooded with, what about your holiday? It's the week after. Okay, so I'm okay.

Jordan 0:31:41 He's not missing Disneyland Paris.

William 0:31:42 No.

Jordan 0:31:43 Why don't you go on a proper holiday, a Fly and Flop one?

William 0:31:45 Because I did that a few weeks ago.

Jordan 0:31:48 Yeah, but you've worked hard, you need a rest. I know.

William 0:31:50 Well, I know. Well, this— How long are you going for? To Disney Paris, 3 nights.

Jordan 0:31:53 Is that it?

William 0:31:54 We're doing Paris beforehand, just us, and then we are meeting others.

Jordan 0:31:59 I still need to go to Paris. A lot of people say they don't like Paris. No offence to the French.

William 0:32:04 Yeah, but— okay, I don't think the French need to take offence at that. But you would like Paris. I'll show you Paris.

Jordan 0:32:11 Show me your Paris.

William 0:32:13 I'll paint you like one of my French girls. Everything's a reference. This is from Katie. Dear William, Jordan, producer Ben, and the Sexton team, longtime loyal GND-er here, coming to you in desperate need of your wisdom. For the past 2 years, I have lived beneath a woman I know only as the Wood Butcher. At all hours of the day, and at deeply questionable hours of the night, she can be heard hammering, drilling, banging, scraping, dropping, and generally behaving as though she's involved in the production of a primetime home renovation programme being filmed live above my head. The epicentre of these activities is unfortunately almost directly above my bedroom. Over time, this has transformed me from a fairly relaxed and reasonable person into someone who can sit bolt upright at the sound of a distant cupboard closing 3 floors away. I now sleep with earplugs in because I have developed the hearing abilities of a nervous woodland animal. To make matters worse, once her daily carpentry shift has concluded, she often flaps a sheet over her balcony, showering my balcony with what appears to be the byproducts of her latest woodworking project. Naturally, quite a few neighbours from various floors have complained about the noise, and her response is always the same. She's apparently chopping chicken. Now, I'm no expert, but I have cooked a fair amount of chicken in my lifetime, and—

Jordan 0:33:17 She needs to go and get a friggin' warehouse or a— A studio?

William 0:33:20 Yeah, never once needed a power drill.

Jordan 0:33:23 People are so selfish.

William 0:33:24 However, fate has a wicked sense of humour. I've just been offered the apartment directly above her, which brings me to my dilemma. The reason I'm wanting to move apartments is in large part to escape the wood butcher and her industrial poultry operation. As a decent person, I know that revenge is wrong, but as a tired person who has spent the past couple of years being startled awake, I feel there should be exceptions. Would it be terribly bad etiquette to suddenly develop an enthusiasm for step aerobics? Would a mini trampoline be considered excessive? If I dragged a dining chair across the floor for no discernible reason at 11 PM, would that be frowned upon? Should anyone complain, I would of course respond with the universally accepted explanation: I'm chopping chicken. William, how does one seek justice without becoming a vigilante? Equally, if you can think of any more other subtle ways of annoying her, your suggestions would be most welcome. Yours faithfully, a future upstairs neighbour and part-time poultry processor. What a lovely question.

Jordan 0:34:15 Well, I wouldn't be subtle about it. When she starts banging, I'd get on me platform heels, now that I've got any. I'd start moving furniture around, and I would bang on those floors like Armageddon's about to happen. That's what I'd do. I would— that's how I'd get back at her. And when they do start making noise, I used to do this. Not wrong with a broom on the— top of a broom on the roof.

William 0:34:37 Damages your ceiling. It sounds like it's a rented apartment.

Jordan 0:34:39 People don't realise I am so lucky that I don't have noisy neighbours. I was saying this only the other week. Having neighbours that aren't noisy is an actual blessing. Yeah. It can ruin your life.

William 0:34:49 Can do. Yeah. So I am with you, and I sort of— I get where Jordan's coming from. I get where you are coming from, Anonymous. There is a great temptation to get your own back. Working on the assumption that once you move flats, and you thus don't hear the chopping of the chicken anymore, I think you just probably Now you're tempted to be passive-aggressive and get your own back, but actually once you move, you might just go, whatever.

Jordan 0:35:16 Sod that. And— Get banging when she starts banging. Have a massive orgy. Even if you're not into that, just say, my house is free, go for it. Make as much noise as you want. I'll nip to the kitchen.

William 0:35:29 I think you've got to do all your banging in whatever word—

Jordan 0:35:32 Have a massive gangbang.

William 0:35:34 How noisy are they?

Jordan 0:35:35 Well, I can imagine them being noisy.

William 0:35:38 Can you? Yeah. But I would say it would depend. You'd have to do it when she's not making noise. 'Cause if you're doing it when she is making noise, she won't hear it, 'cause she's making noise. So you've gotta do it in the— you've gotta do it in the gaps.

Jordan 0:35:49 What's she doing chopping wood at that? Go and get a workout.

William 0:35:52 I would say more the flicking stuff. I would flick stuff onto her balcony.

Jordan 0:35:56 Oh, that'd annoy you more?

William 0:35:58 That would annoy me.

Jordan 0:35:59 Than the noise?

William 0:35:59 Sort of what you're doing. I mean, it's annoying, don't get me wrong. But it is— half of me is saying it is in the privacy of your own home. But the flicking things onto your balcony, that would annoy me more. This is from anonymous. Etiquette help, please. That goes straight in. I'm going to a wedding next year. My son is the lucky pageboy. Proper top hat and tails job for him.

Jordan 0:36:18 Oh, I know where this is going.

William 0:36:19 It is a family member of my partner who I really get on with. The rest, not so much. Real-life Mrs. Bouquet, the lot of them. I haven't been to a wedding in years. It's a church wedding followed by cricket club reception. Proper northern wedding.

Jordan 0:36:30 Oh, sounds great.

William 0:36:31 How posh does one dress for this type of wedding? Do I wear a fascinator, or is this not enough? I don't want to be judged by the family, which will happen anyway. Keep me anonymous.

Jordan 0:36:39 I mean, we're not Nethanderals. What are they called?

William 0:36:44 Neth— can't say it. Say it again.

Jordan 0:36:47 Nethanderals. What are they called?

William 0:36:50 I can't say it, 'cause I can hear you.

Jordan 0:36:51 We're not—

William 0:36:52 Neanderthals.

Jordan 0:36:53 We're not Neanderthals. We do scrub up well up north, and we do wear fascinators. I would ask around.

William 0:36:58 You looked gorgeous in that one at your mum's 60th, to be fair.

Jordan 0:37:01 Thank you.

William 0:37:01 Yeah.

Jordan 0:37:01 I would ask around and, and ask other family members just on a WhatsApp, not in a group, to say, are you wearing a fascinator? Would it be all right to wear a fascinator? Ask around. I'm doing it this weekend at the wedding.

William 0:37:12 And are you wearing a fascinator?

Jordan 0:37:13 Well, no, I'm like, are we wearing a tie or not?

William 0:37:15 I hope so.

Jordan 0:37:16 I'm— the general consensus, no one's wearing a tie.

William 0:37:19 Why don't you go wearing a tie and then you can always whip it off?

Jordan 0:37:21 Well, I might go wearing a tie. Um, but yeah, I would ask around, just say, what are you wearing? A little fascinator? What are you wearing this weekend? Are you just wearing jeans and an arse top? You can't wear jeans and an arse top for a wedding, can you? I'll wear a dress. Got a new dress from Marks& Spencer's, but I might just— Yeah, just ask around. You're a guest. You can never overdress as well.

William 0:37:38 Yeah, exactly. It's better to be overdressed than underdressed. I would take Jordan's advice, but just ask the hosts. What's the mother of the bride or the mother of the groom wearing?

Jordan 0:37:46 Ask around.

William 0:37:47 Are they wearing a hat? Are they wearing a fascinator or nothing at all? And then you can take the lead from them. Because if they're wearing a hat, then I would go down the hat route rather than the fascinator route. Is what I would say. Just ask.

Jordan 0:37:57 How long have you been married now?

William 0:37:58 Coming up for 4 years.

Jordan 0:37:59 Jesus, was that 4 years ago?

William 0:38:01 Was, yeah.

Jordan 0:38:02 Good do that. Thank you. That's, that's— if someone says, someone northerner says to you, good do, it means that were really good. Oh, that were a good do, weren't it?

William 0:38:12 Well, I'm very flattered.

Jordan 0:38:13 We always talk about when we went to Haydock Races 2019.

William 0:38:16 Similar to my wedding.

Jordan 0:38:17 And we all say, that were a good do, that. It was just a really good day. Really good day. Right, good do. Yeah, yours were a good dough.

William 0:38:24 Thank you.

Jordan 0:38:26 A really good dough.

William 0:38:26 We loved it. It's very nice. Highly recommend. This is from Scott. Dear William and Jordan, I'm in dire need of your advice. My brother and I are planning my mum's 60th birthday party.

Jordan 0:38:35 Oh, you've come to the right place. We've just done mine.

William 0:38:38 With a— your mother's. With help of a friend of mine. We've got a cake and balloons sorted.

Jordan 0:38:43 That's all you need.

William 0:38:43 What cake was Wenda's, just instantly? What flavour?

Jordan 0:38:48 Cake?

William 0:38:49 Cake flavour, lovely.

Jordan 0:38:50 Cake? They were nice though.

William 0:38:51 The problem is my mum's friend. She's trying to take over. She's ordered decorations, balloons, and more. Again, I've seen jokes I'm not gonna do. She's ordered decorations, balloons, and more that don't fit the vibe. They're honestly tacky. For example, champagne bottle balloons.

Jordan 0:39:07 What's wrong with them? That's what we had. Do you know, some people are right snobby. Wendy's— I'll show you the Wendy at kitchen, right nice.

William 0:39:16 How do I tell her to politely back off? My friend and fellow G&Der is organising the balloons through her party planner cousin, and is understandably annoyed about my mum's friend's actions. Any help would be greatly appreciated. Yours sincerely, Scott.

Jordan 0:39:27 Maybe your mum's friend has been planted there by your mum, and they'll know her just as well. I think you're gonna have to accommodate her.

William 0:39:36 I would say find her something to do.

Jordan 0:39:40 Just—

William 0:39:41 And say, look, we've already got balloons. We've already bought them. Thank you.

Jordan 0:39:44 Don't waste your money. Don't waste your money. We don't want you wasting your money.

William 0:39:47 I tell you what, could you bring the napkins?

Jordan 0:39:49 Or could you do the cake?

William 0:39:50 Give her— just find something to do.

Jordan 0:39:52 Yeah, that's a good one. If it's really that bad, just save your money. I don't think it's just the balloons.

William 0:39:56 She's trying to take over everything.

Jordan 0:39:57 Okay.

William 0:39:58 That's where I'd go, thank you. We're organising this. I think you'd be quite firm about it. I really appreciate your help, but we are organising it. It's all under control. But could you please bring the napkins?

Jordan 0:40:06 Okay.

William 0:40:06 Or the tonic water or something.

Jordan 0:40:09 All right.

William 0:40:09 Give her something to do. This is from Lucy. Good afternoon, William, Jordan, Diego, and EPB, and the rest of the Texted team. I've been listening to the podcast for nearly 3 years after one of my clients mentioned she listens to your show during her nail appointment. Safe to say I was hooked and have recently found that another client is also a fan, so we can often talk about your show during her appointments. This is amazing. We both agree the Luxury Podcast one was brilliant. Thank you. Oh, the crossover. Yeah.

Jordan 0:40:36 Or in general, he's saying the Luxury Podcast is better.

William 0:40:39 We'll never know. I have an etiquette question for William. When it comes to hanging out the washing, I'd like to know, should I use plastic pegs or wooden pegs? Uh, wooden pegs are more sustainable.

Jordan 0:40:49 Do you know my grandma used to cover her knickers up with a tea towel?

William 0:40:52 I love that.

Jordan 0:40:53 She was so cute.

William 0:40:55 That is great.

Jordan 0:40:56 Have I ever told you that before? No. She used to put them in the backyard. And honestly, this And the backyard had a toilet outside. This is proper old, long drop. She said— I'd never, I'd never used it, but she'd say, you have a shit. I said, you'd wait 5 minutes to hear it plop. It's called a long drop. Anyway, um, uh, but she used to cover her knickers up with tea towels. How cute is that?

William 0:41:21 You see, that's sophisticated. Yeah. I think that's nice. We don't all need to see what goes on next to them. But I don't think it matters.

Jordan 0:41:27 Oh, and she had a little pinny that she used to put her pegs in at front. And she used to keep her pegs in front there. But I don't think it matters, wooden or plastic.

William 0:41:35 Should I leave pegs on the line? There's more pegging chat. I would—

Jordan 0:41:39 This is the pegging chat I'm here for. Don't always have to be rude, producers.

William 0:41:44 No, I wouldn't, because I think then the weather erodes them, and particularly the metal hinge. So I would keep them in a bag and probably inside.

Jordan 0:41:51 I'm gonna cry thinking of me grandma and her pinny.

William 0:41:54 I'll tell you what will make you cry. That woman on the train from Belfast to Dublin pegging out her laundry.

Jordan 0:41:59 I'm actually gonna cry thinking of my Grandma and a penny.

William 0:42:01 Should it be packed away?

Jordan 0:42:03 I'm too old to go and have a brew with ya. Right, just give me a minute. Actually gonna cry at my grandma and a penny. What is fucking wrong with me?

William 0:42:11 Should it be packed away when it's not in use? That's the whirligig.

Jordan 0:42:15 Okay.

William 0:42:15 Yes, I would say so.

Jordan 0:42:17 I'm actually crying at my grandma and a penny. What is wrong with me?

William 0:42:21 Bless you.

Jordan 0:42:21 Go on, carry on.

William 0:42:22 I work from home, and sometimes if it's a nice day, I have to have my washing out. Having 3 kids, it needs to be done. My clients will see my washing, so should my washing be out when I have clients, or does this look unprofessional? Should knickers be on the inside of the washing line? Well, there we go. Use Jordan's late grandmother's technique, put a tea towel or something over it.

Jordan 0:42:41 Put a tea towel over it.

William 0:42:42 I absolutely love the podcast. It's the only one I can listen to over again. Um, in terms of if you are working from home and you're operating your nail spa from home, there is that. I mean, you could close the curtains or put some sort of a Venetian blind so you can angle it so people aren't looking out on your washing. Yeah. But, you know, it's your home. It's one of the sort of pros and cons of working from home.

Jordan 0:43:03 We'll put this up on the carousel on Instagram. And if any GND-ers want to scroll down, my very first Instagram post was my best mate's dad's undies on the washing line. I just thought it'd be funny.

William 0:43:18 That was your first post? I wonder what— is there a way to find out?

Jordan 0:43:20 It's my very first post. I can't be arsed scrolling. But if you scroll right down, it was posted—

William 0:43:27 On your profile, it won't take long.

Jordan 0:43:28 To be fair, I haven't posted that much.

William 0:43:30 I was gonna say, you hardly post that much. Yeah. I don't wanna be rude, but some people do and some people don't.

Jordan 0:43:35 Yeah, so—

William 0:43:35 But there must be a way on archive to find and to go—

Jordan 0:43:38 But we'll find it. It was my very first post. I think it was like, Big Dave's Undies hashtag. Anyway. But do you think you need to— You can leave the pegs on the line, can't you?

William 0:43:49 No, I wouldn't. Would you not? I'd take them out. I think, A, it'd look messy. You're also going to collapse the washing line when you're not using it and sheathe it. But also the moisture will get to the joints.

Jordan 0:44:03 Do you know how much washing I've done in this heatwave? It's been a— honestly, I've got an empty— there's nothing that makes me happier than an empty wash basket. I'm going through loads and loads. It's great. Put washing in, it's done in an hour, it's dry. Oh, it's fantastic. It's the one good thing about it. And have you seen that game they do in Australia where they pin wine bags to the washing machine? Oh yeah, I've seen that, yeah. What's it called, those spinny ones?

William 0:44:29 Whirlygigs.

Jordan 0:44:29 Is that what they're called?

William 0:44:30 Yeah. They might be called that. They're probably called dingoes or something in Australia.

Speaker E 0:44:35 It's called Goon of Fortune.

Jordan 0:44:37 That's the bit. That's it. Thank you, Tom.

William 0:44:39 Goon of Fortune.

Jordan 0:44:39 Goon of Fortune. Don't Google that.

William 0:44:41 No. This is from Ellie. It's our final one. Dear William and Jordan, I hope to never have to deal with this particular etiquette dilemma again. But in the unlikely chance that someone else experiences this, I want to ask your honest advice.

Jordan 0:44:53 It's gonna be a rude one, innit?

William 0:44:54 What is the etiquette for communicating appropriately with your sexual partner in the following situation? You're looking forward to a bit of adult fun and decide to have a small douche for the benefit of all involved. However, your tap quickly takes quite a long time to run hot, so rather than using cold water and delay everything, you use cooled water from the kettle.

Jordan 0:45:12 Hang on, are you— do you use hot water? Are you meant to use hot water to douche? Warm.

William 0:45:18 Oh yeah. However, you don't quite appreciate how little the kettle has cooled, and it only hits you how hot the water is at the point that it hits you inside. There was no long-term damage done, a bit like scalding your tongue unexpectedly with a hot cup of tea. All okay in about an hour, but it definitely put a stop to the evening. So my question is this: how do you communicate with your intimate partner that congress is now off the cards? due to the fact that you have scalded your back passage. Many thanks and best wishes, Ellie.

Jordan 0:45:47 You're not getting any tonight. I've scalded me arse, old douchin'. We'll watch something on the telly. Done.

William 0:45:52 That's how you do it in the north.

Jordan 0:45:54 Blunt, to the point. Put 'em in their place.

William 0:45:58 Could we give it an hour?

Jordan 0:45:59 I was up for it, but I've scalded the inside of me arse, and we're not doing it now.

William 0:46:03 I fancied something hot inside me, and I took that rather literally. But if it's—

Jordan 0:46:07 I'm assuming Ellie's a girl.

William 0:46:10 Yes. Well, she could have done front bum. Maybe she didn't want to.

Jordan 0:46:12 Oh, fair.

William 0:46:13 Could be all sorts of reasons why she doesn't want to. But yeah, I don't— I wouldn't— Ellie, I know your hot tap takes a while to get hot. Please be careful. Don't use kettle water, everybody, whether you think it's cool or not, because exactly— also, do the elbow, like test, stick your finger in the water.

Jordan 0:46:34 I'm glad you cleared that one up. Thank you for your questions, Dalai Lamas. Remember, you can listen to new episodes every Tuesday and Friday and 24 hours before anywhere else on Global Player. And you can even watch us on YouTube as well. We put the full episodes up every release day. All you gotta do is head to YouTube and search for Sexted. We will see you on Friday. Goodbye.

William 0:46:52 Goodbye.