Help I Regret Pup Play | And My Bad Boyfriend

Jordan 0:01:04 Hello and welcome to Help I Sected My Boss, the podcast where we help you navigate the challenges of modern-day life, answering your 21st century questions and finding solutions to those everyday dilemmas, like what should you do when the How do you make sure the bride and groom go to bed before you get to their wedding? And how do you reassure your brother that you're not actually dying when you call to say you love him? And what should you do if you've accidentally sexted your boss? But we're not your usual agony aunts, are we? William Hanson, the UK's leading etiquette expert.

William 0:01:42 No, we're not. Jordan North, Capital Breakfast show host. I'm more bevel, you're more bovrel. That's from Adam.

Jordan 0:01:49 Very good. Yeah. Ooh, I've not had a bovrel for donkey's years.

William 0:01:52 Have you not? I haven't had a bevel In the last hour.

Jordan 0:01:55 What's a bevel?

William 0:01:56 It's not a type of chocolate. It is, it's a sort of that thing I showed you with my sort of camp leg.

Jordan 0:02:01 Oh, that's the bevel.

William 0:02:03 I bevel a lot on stage.

Jordan 0:02:04 Yes.

William 0:02:04 In the thing that will not be mentioned.

Jordan 0:02:06 No, you can mention it. No!

William 0:02:08 No. No, 'cause you'll all go, meeky, meeky, meeky.

Jordan 0:02:09 No, it's not. It's fine. How are you, my little West End girl?

William 0:02:12 Yes, I've told you to stop calling me that.

Jordan 0:02:15 No, he's—

William 0:02:16 During the day. I'm gonna just do the ice water challenge again.

Jordan 0:02:20 Enjoying it now?

William 0:02:20 Loving it.

Jordan 0:02:21 Yeah?

William 0:02:22 Loving it, genuinely.

Jordan 0:02:23 Are you feeling like a star?

William 0:02:25 No, don't be silly.

Jordan 0:02:26 I've got my tickets.

William 0:02:27 Have you? Are you telling me which performance you're coming to?

Jordan 0:02:30 I will— no, I might keep it a surprise.

William 0:02:33 'Cause they'll want to— they'll probably inevitably want to do a photo with you afterwards for some reason. So you'll need to let me know.

Jordan 0:02:38 Although I've had a few people DM me saying that I get a good mention.

William 0:02:41 For now. I didn't fail— got a very good laugh on the Saturday Matterday, so it might go.

Jordan 0:02:46 Okay.

William 0:02:49 No, but it's back in there tonight.

Jordan 0:02:50 Oh, is it?

William 0:02:51 Yep.

Jordan 0:02:51 So you're tucking it out?

William 0:02:52 But equally, nothing got a good laugh on the Saturday matinee.

Jordan 0:02:55 Oh, is it a tough crowd? It's always different in the afternoon.

William 0:02:57 Well, I just don't think people have been drinking long enough. Sunday matinee, on the other hand, you know, they've accrued it over the weekend.

Jordan 0:03:05 I can't wait to watch it.

William 0:03:07 Oh, please let me know when you're coming.

Jordan 0:03:08 I can't wait to see my little West End girl. I'm going to be beaming from ear to ear.

William 0:03:12 Bless you. Well, I'm looking forward to having you back.

Jordan 0:03:14 I'm coming in the week though.

William 0:03:15 Oh, you're coming in the week? Gosh, you don't care.

Jordan 0:03:18 That's how much you mean to me.

William 0:03:20 You know me. Oh, I'll try and go quickly so you can go to bed.

Jordan 0:03:23 else for Paddling the Week football than you.

William 0:03:25 You're genuinely not coming to one? You genuinely have not booked one of the shows that I'm not doing?

Jordan 0:03:29 What do you mean?

William 0:03:31 You know on the website? Did you book via the website? It has my face on all the shows I'm doing.

Jordan 0:03:37 Oh, well, what shows aren't you doing?

William 0:03:39 Are you coming this week?

Jordan 0:03:40 No.

William 0:03:40 You'll be fine.

Jordan 0:03:41 Why?

William 0:03:41 'Cause there are only 2 I'm not doing, and that's this week.

Jordan 0:03:43 Oh, why? Prior commitments?

William 0:03:45 Yeah, I'm leading a protocol training course in Brussels. It's very similar to—

Jordan 0:03:50 Couldn't you cancel that?

William 0:03:51 No.

Jordan 0:03:51 Why?

William 0:03:51 So, there's something called a contract.

Jordan 0:03:54 That's why you get a lawyer. Sort you out.

William 0:03:56 I also want to.

Jordan 0:03:57 Okay.

William 0:03:57 That's the other thing. Right, I've done Eugene and de Bonnet. Yeah. This week's toast goes to John, the lovely John, who I met at the stage door of the aforementioned show that I'm not allowed to say the name of. Titanic? I didn't say it, Ben. I didn't say it. Now, John, he's a teacher. He listens religiously every week. He wakes up always on a Tuesday and has never not listened to us within sort of an hour or two of— what?

Jordan 0:04:24 Oh, sorry, I thought Andy was coming.

William 0:04:26 God's sake.

Jordan 0:04:27 If you're mentioning yours, I'm mentioning mine.

William 0:04:29 We're gonna mention yours in a minute. He wakes up, listens religiously to the podcast every time it drops. He has never listened a day late.

Jordan 0:04:38 Oh!

William 0:04:38 For however long he's listened.

Jordan 0:04:40 He's a Platinum GNDiver.

William 0:04:41 Oh, okay, yes. I think he's probably Platinum something else. He is the uncle of one of my fellow cast members, Charlotte Soo, who has been phenomenal. She was on as Celine. She was first cover Celine.

Jordan 0:04:53 You name every friend and tell us what they've been in. Oh, you know Julie. Julie Walters. Oh, Julie, yes. Julie, a good friend of mine. Back in the '80s, we did a show in Scunthorpe.

William 0:05:02 Back in the '80s?

Jordan 0:05:03 We did a show in Scunthorpe, and then obviously Julie went off to do the TV. And you know Miriam. Margolyes. Miriam, yes. Miriam to me, yes. She was also on the West End. Ms.

William 0:05:14 Miz, actually. We had some great laughs together.

Jordan 0:05:16 That's me and Miriam back in the day.

William 0:05:18 Right. Well, look, this is for John.

Jordan 0:05:20 Oh, and also to Wendy. Happy 60th.

William 0:05:22 No, she's 50.

Jordan 0:05:25 Don't start creeping now, because I'm waiting to hear back from her regarding last week when you asked about her employment history. So—

William 0:05:33 I'm waiting to hear back about it.

Jordan 0:05:35 Just happy birthday, Mum.

William 0:05:36 Happy birthday, Wendy. And John, this is to you. Delicious.

Jordan 0:05:41 I can't believe I'm 60. I still feel 21 at heart.

William 0:05:44 She definitely doesn't look 60, to be fair to your mum.

Jordan 0:05:46 She doesn't. Oh, you're doing well. Go on, chuck another one in there. Get on, good dogs. Say her hair looks nice.

William 0:05:55 Her hair looks lovely.

Jordan 0:05:57 She always likes— she takes good care of her

William 0:06:00 hair. And she's also one of those that, like, she can do a lot with her hair. Like, I've seen her different— no, I've seen different— I've seen her do different hairstyles.

Jordan 0:06:07 Yeah.

William 0:06:07 And she's not afraid to try things.

Jordan 0:06:09 Yeah. I couldn't tell you what she is naturally. I don't know.

William 0:06:15 Ask your dad.

Jordan 0:06:16 Wow. Wow.

William 0:06:20 How are you?

Jordan 0:06:21 I'm good. I am good. How are you?

William 0:06:25 What's been going on? Yes, I'm fine. Well, I was in the Tesco Express near the theatre the other day buying a bottle of Fairy Liquid for— or as I just call it in my house, liquid— for— That's very good. Thank you. for my dressing room, for my martini station, which is proving controversial. We'll come on to that. And I was literally just buying the Fairy Liquid. It was just in the self-service checkout, and this guy next to me goes, excuse me, mate, can I ask you a question? And I thought, okay, what's this going to be? Are you the guy off TikTok, podcast, blah blah blah? He went, did your missus tell you to go out and get that? I just looked at him and I thought— I didn't really know where to start. I went, No, I'm gay, and I quite like washing up. And he didn't really say anything after that. But what a— A, it is of no business to anyone what another person is buying that you do not know. Even if you know them, I wouldn't even comment on a friend's basket. But also, what, a man cannot go out and buy washing-up liquid? What sort of Stone Age are we living in?

Jordan 0:07:27 Maybe he was chatting you up to see if you had a girlfriend.

William 0:07:30 I doubt it.

Jordan 0:07:30 Why did he say that? That's a random thing. Was he pissed?

William 0:07:33 No, this was the middle of the day.

Jordan 0:07:34 Was he—

William 0:07:36 He was just a bit—

Jordan 0:07:37 A

William 0:07:38 bit what?

Jordan 0:07:39 Like, usually I'll get my camel to work. That kind of thing.

William 0:07:43 He was just from a— Life's moved on and he hasn't. That's what I would say. But I was quite taken aback.

Jordan 0:07:51 Oh, okay.

William 0:07:51 But I was buying this Fairy Liquid for my martini station, which I discussed last week on the podcast, that I'd got permission from the company managers just to have the equipment you needed for a martini in my dressing room. À la many other actors who are known to have martinis in their dressing room. Anyway, so it all arrived, and ahead of the Friday performance, I made one for myself. No one else was really around. A couple of people started to arrive. This was about 2 hours before the show.

Jordan 0:08:16 Oh, that's early to get—

William 0:08:17 I got— I was keen. And I'm standing chatting to some of the chaps in their dressing room, and we're all chatting, and another member of the company walks in and looks at me as if I was a suicide bomber. And I was like, what? I'm sorry? And he was like, what are you doing? I was like, well, I'm having a martini. And turns out you're not really encouraged to drink before the show.

Jordan 0:08:41 Oh.

William 0:08:41 Or indeed during.

Jordan 0:08:43 Oh, why?

William 0:08:43 Yeah, I don't know.

Jordan 0:08:44 Is it bad luck?

William 0:08:45 Yeah, I have checked my contract. There's nothing in it, but—

Jordan 0:08:48 I thought a lot of us, 'cause we usually have a drink.

William 0:08:50 Everyone does. Well, you listen.

Jordan 0:08:51 We have a good few before we go on stage for the tour.

William 0:08:53 You know, if I was in Kasabian, for example, Oh no, don't laugh. If it's a gig, if I was a stand-up comedian, you have a drink. If you're a musician, you have a drink.

Jordan 0:09:06 Nah.

William 0:09:06 But if you're a theatre performer, you can't drink. Even though certain actors I referenced last week do.

Jordan 0:09:13 A lot don't drink now. In the early days, they'd be on it. And then, 'cause it's touring's now how they make the money, so a lot of them don't drink. So when you interview them and stuff, Yeah, a lot be like, oh no, we don't really drink when we're on tour. A lot of them do the tours now sober and then go on holiday and get pissed and stuff.

William 0:09:29 Well, anyway, I've— I have not had a vodka yet.

Jordan 0:09:32 Are you ruffling feathers? Behave. I want you to—

William 0:09:33 I'm not ruffling feathers.

Jordan 0:09:34 Because we love you and know what you're like, but some people don't. So just—

William 0:09:38 They're getting to know what I'm like.

Jordan 0:09:39 Yeah, I can imagine. Yeah. So, and, and where this works, this cocktail station is, have you— has it replaced somebody who was meant to be, I don't know, doing the makeup there?

William 0:09:48 No, no, no, no, no.

Jordan 0:09:49 Is it a free space? Yeah.

William 0:09:52 Yeah. Oh, it's tiny. I mean, it's, you know, it's yay big. So it's fine. But anyway, I haven't touched it since.

Jordan 0:09:58 Okay.

William 0:09:59 The allure has faded. But never mind. Just go out for a martini now.

Jordan 0:10:05 Yeah, don't.

William 0:10:06 Which again defeats the object of having one.

Jordan 0:10:08 Make your own. Make your own.

William 0:10:09 What's been going on with you?

Jordan 0:10:10 I do love our G&D-ers.

William 0:10:11 Even the ones that comment about the sets that you get very—

Jordan 0:10:15 Oh, even them ones. Everyone's entitled to an opinion, William. Yes. cheating divas because, uh, I was at the tennis this week.

William 0:10:23 Oh.

Jordan 0:10:23 And, um, on the way up, a couple said hello and stuff. And just as, um, the match finished, um, by the way, everyone's going, you've changed, you've gone to tennis. Um, I got tickets, I thought I'd go and have a look, go and show me face.

William 0:10:40 Generally encouraged if you have tickets to go to the tennis. Yeah.

Jordan 0:10:42 So, um, I was there and, um, this guy come up with his phone, and I assumed he wanted a selfie. This is happening quite a lot. And he, uh, wasn't from this country, so he, he, um, he, uh, he, he didn't know— just saying it mischievously— but he didn't know who I was. And

William 0:11:05 he'd gone to watch Toy Story in another country, had he?

Jordan 0:11:07 Yeah, yeah. And, um, there's a lot of people watching, and I thought, oh, here we go. So he came and I went, oh, Yeah, and he went— I went to take a selfie with him and grabbed him. He didn't want the picture, wanted me to take a picture of him.

William 0:11:20 Just, just with the—

Jordan 0:11:23 With the court in the background, which then got a lot of laugh in the audience. So everyone's like laughing.

William 0:11:29 In the audience?

Jordan 0:11:30 Yeah, so in the crowd.

William 0:11:31 Right.

Jordan 0:11:31 I felt like a knob. It was a very humbling experience, and rightly so. Got up off my station, and then some, uh, GND-ers actually came over, like Natalie. who, um, asked me to, uh, get a picture and sign an autograph. And then Mary came over, whose daughter listens to the podcast, and made me sign an Andy Murray autograph card.

William 0:11:51 Okay.

Jordan 0:11:52 But it just makes me love him even more. So it's a very embarrassing, humbling moment. And it's nice Gene Divas came to rescue me, so thank you to them.

William 0:12:00 Oh, bless you.

Jordan 0:12:01 It's very— and they did the whole, oh, I'd expect William here but not you, and you've changed. And I was like, oh, for God's sake, I'm gonna come to I weren't in like a suit or anything. Yeah. I was in my jeans and it's very casual.

William 0:12:14 Yeah. Oh, was it casual? There's no dress code for that? No.

Jordan 0:12:16 Oh, okay. And yeah, anyway, so—

William 0:12:18 Did you watch any good action?

Jordan 0:12:20 I don't really know much about that.

William 0:12:22 No, I don't really know.

Jordan 0:12:23 I can't. Even in padel, I annoy people, 'cause I'm playing after this actually.

William 0:12:27 Oh, are you? 'Cause I was gonna ask you what you're doing after this. What are you doing after this?

Jordan 0:12:31 Padel.

William 0:12:31 Literally padel?

Jordan 0:12:32 Yeah, why?

William 0:12:32 Oh, I'm going to the gym. I thought we'd be—

Jordan 0:12:36 Oh, thank God, 'cause I would've been going. Oh, that's— That is meant to be. Oh, praise the exercise gods. Thank you. Because, yeah,

William 0:12:44 I can take someone. I can change my plans.

Jordan 0:12:46 No, you can come to padel if you want. No. Anyway, I'm always going, what score is it? What score is it? I've been told as well, you know, I go—

William 0:12:54 They're not boards or something?

Jordan 0:12:55 Well, no, not in padel. It's just things. I'll go, what's going on? 15-love. And I go, cheers, love. And then I'll go, what score is it? They go, juice. And I just go, no, I'm all right, I've got water. Never gets a laugh.

William 0:13:03 No.

Jordan 0:13:05 Never gets a laugh, but it makes me happy.

William 0:13:07 Well, if the producers of my show are listening and would like to cast Jordan, you know, there we go.

Jordan 0:13:12 I'm a very angry paddle player as well.

William 0:13:14 Are you?

Jordan 0:13:15 Yeah, I get a bit frustrated.

William 0:13:16 It's just a game.

Jordan 0:13:17 It's because of my, again, undiagnosed— it's because of my— well, my mum and brother have been diagnosed with dyspraxia. I'm told I move like Buzz Lightyear.

William 0:13:25 Oh God, everything's a reference.

Jordan 0:13:27 No, that wasn't a reference.

William 0:13:29 Was it not?

Ben 0:13:30 Hi guys.

William 0:13:31 Hello Ben.

Jordan 0:13:32 Hi Ben.

Ben 0:13:32 Can I pick up on something Jordan just said? Did you say that you did a sig— like, you pretended to be Andy Murray with your signature?

Jordan 0:13:40 No, no, no, I just signed Andy Murray's card.

William 0:13:42 But you signed it Jordan North?

Jordan 0:13:43 I've got a picture.

Ben 0:13:44 You signed it Jordan North?

Jordan 0:13:45 Yeah, I'll put it up on— we'll put it up on the website.

Ben 0:13:46 I don't know what you're like in your crimes. I don't want you to continue to control us.

Jordan 0:13:49 But I signed it Jordan North, and it was really embarrassing because then I was like— because not only had I, like, um, not only had I thought someone was asking for a selfie, then I had to ask how you spell tennis.

William 0:14:03 What?

Jordan 0:14:04 For me, I can never spell tennis.

William 0:14:06 How do you spell it?

Jordan 0:14:08 I was— Chloe, tennis, appreciate, and there's loads of other words that I can't spell, but tennis— is it 2— is it double N and double I-S? And I was being—

William 0:14:17 No, T-E-N-N-I-S.

Jordan 0:14:18 Yeah, so she was going T— yeah, I know.

Ben 0:14:20 Tennis-isses.

Jordan 0:14:21 Yeah. Oh hey, let's laugh at dyslexia. All right, fine.

Ben 0:14:24 I would think the confusing one in all that must be paddle. Because padel is P-A-D-E-L.

Jordan 0:14:29 Well, technically it's padel. Padel?

Ben 0:14:32 Padel.

Jordan 0:14:33 Padel. Padel. Anyway, so yeah. And then—

William 0:14:38 You're so happy with yourself. You're so sweet.

Jordan 0:14:40 Oh, we're being nice to each other today.

William 0:14:43 We're always nice to each other.

Jordan 0:14:45 I know we are. We are. So yeah, I got that after this.

William 0:14:49 We are now, again, I'm sorry, going to be referencing the other much-discussed T-word, which is Toy Story 5. And I had a message from my sister-in-law to say that It says, this morning, Matt, that's her husband, was talking to Annie, my niece, or Micah's niece, about Willy being in the West End, trying to explain more about it. And she just responded, but Jordan's in Toy Story 5! Which is really lovely. So thanks, Annie.

Jordan 0:15:13 My work here is done. Thank you. Thank you very much.

William 0:15:16 And I just responded with, Annie will live to regret this at Disney when I take her in a few weeks, and she inevitably wants a toy, and I will say, why don't you ask Jordan to buy it for you instead?

Jordan 0:15:23 Well, that's fine.

William 0:15:25 Tough love.

Jordan 0:15:25 Oh no, that's fine. I can understand that. I forgot you're going there.

William 0:15:28 Do you think there'll be garden gnome toys at Disney? It's got a spin-off. You're pitching it?

Jordan 0:15:34 Oh, I've got a backstory. Yeah, I don't want to give— can't give too much away, but yeah. Okay, garden gnome's gonna try and get back up to Burnley. Okay, to find these other garden gnomes.

William 0:15:44 Put that in the Pixar release.

Jordan 0:15:45 And inflatable flamingo is going to come with us.

William 0:15:47 Okay.

Jordan 0:15:48 And then,

William 0:15:48 yeah, I think that's, that's lovely.

Jordan 0:15:51 Thank you.

William 0:15:52 That would be great. Um, now, same we did last week, uh, to much success was we got in touch with one of your brothers. Yeah. Brads. Our Brads.

Jordan 0:16:03 Who's annoying me at the moment. Oh. But brotherly love.

William 0:16:05 Do you not love him this week?

Jordan 0:16:06 Well, his little boy's not pooed for a week, so we've been having regular updates, which everyone in the family's up to. And then the little baby is literally still a baby, had a massive shit in a nappy that was the biggest shit I've ever seen from a baby.

William 0:16:21 Please don't say he sent a photograph. Yeah, yes he did. And we are absolutely not putting that on the carousel. No, we're not putting that up. No.

Jordan 0:16:25 So he put that up. So now I'm annoyed at him again now. But that's part of brotherly love. Do you know what? I love my brothers.

William 0:16:30 Okay. There you go. Right, hold that thought. Because I noticed when I was watching the clip back and listening to the episode, you said to Brads, I love ya. Now, I would say, I love ya. I love ya. Yeah, it's not quite the same as I love you. It's the same as when people go, love you, as opposed to, I love you. Oh. You need— I is the personal bit, and you is making it about them.

Jordan 0:16:54 But you say to your family, I love you, I love you to bits. Yes, I love you.

William 0:16:57 So listen, listen, listen. Look at me. Look at me. I love you.

Jordan 0:17:01 I love you.

William 0:17:02 Yeah, you see?

Jordan 0:17:03 I love you.

William 0:17:05 Look at me.

Jordan 0:17:07 I love you. Yeah, you. It's quite hard.

William 0:17:11 Well, also—

Jordan 0:17:13 I love you.

William 0:17:14 Yeah, no, that was just love you. People can say love you, but very few people can actually get away with, or are comfortable with saying I love you.

Jordan 0:17:21 Can we just stop saying that? Can we just all be like in the '30s and '40s and not show our emotions and then deal with it.

William 0:17:27 You really have switched personalities.

Jordan 0:17:28 Deal with it in later life.

William 0:17:31 Right.

Ben 0:17:31 Do you say, do you say I love you to James like that? Yes. I love you.

William 0:17:35 I love you.

Jordan 0:17:35 Do you tell Dom you love him, your brother?

Ben 0:17:37 My brother? No, I don't.

Jordan 0:17:38 See, thank you. Everyone's having a go. Have you ever told your brother you love him?

Ben 0:17:41 I don't think so.

Jordan 0:17:42 Right, we'll ring him up now and see.

William 0:17:43 Hang on, well, hold that thought.

Jordan 0:17:45 Have you ever told your brother you love him? Jack, have you ever told your siblings? Yeah, I've got a sister. Ah, sister's different.

William 0:17:52 Well, on this, one of your other brothers got in touch with us because he was a bit put out.

Jordan 0:17:57 Which one now?

William 0:17:58 They all sound the same, but I believe it's Dom's. Here's the clip.

Speaker F 0:18:01 So I've heard through the grapevine, you asked Jordan to call one of his brothers and tell them that he loves them. And he's picked Bradley. And I was a second thought, or I wasn't even a thought at all. And I'm starting to think this is a recurring theme. I was left in the dark for summertime ball again. Like, what's going on? You've known me longer, for a start. You've locked me in suitcases.

Jordan 0:18:25 Right.

Speaker F 0:18:25 We've lived together as adults. Is it to do with the fact that you wouldn't let me go on your bike in Cat Tricks? I punched you in the nose. Are you harbouring ill feelings against me still? Just let me know. Anytime you feel like calling me up and tell me you love me, I'm here. I'm an open book. You know where I am. Love you. Love you, Saxted gang. Love you, William.

Jordan 0:18:45 Right, first of all, I didn't— we were playing magicians and I locked him in a suitcase.

William 0:18:50 You were playing magicians?

Jordan 0:18:54 I was a big Stephen Mulhern fan.

William 0:18:56 Oh, please tell me you were Debbie McGee.

Jordan 0:18:57 No, Bradley was. I was— I loved Stephen Mulhern, so I was playing magicians and I couldn't open the case and nearly died. But it's all fine. My mum had to ring my dad at work. It was a Samsonite and we had to remember the code.

William 0:19:10 Right.

Jordan 0:19:10 And at the time, I think he was away on exercise in the Brecon Beacons, so we had to ring him and get the code for the suitcase. It's fine, he's not traumatised or got deep issues with claustrophobia or anything like that.

William 0:19:20 So hang on, who was in the suitcase?

Jordan 0:19:22 Dom.

William 0:19:22 Dom, right.

Jordan 0:19:23 We were playing magicians. Well, that's normal.

William 0:19:26 Right, okay.

Jordan 0:19:27 So it's not like that MI5 agent. I won't—

William 0:19:29 No, it's not London Spy.

Jordan 0:19:31 Uh, I— he came to Soccer Aid and he Yeah, okay.

William 0:19:36 And what happened to Summertime Ball?

Jordan 0:19:37 'Cause I could— I only get certain tickets. And I—

William 0:19:41 So who got you tickets?

Jordan 0:19:42 My other brother and his wife and kids.

William 0:19:44 Right.

Jordan 0:19:45 So.

William 0:19:46 And did your other brother that came to Summertime Ball come to Soccer Aid?

Jordan 0:19:48 No.

William 0:19:49 Okay, well, that's fair enough.

Jordan 0:19:50 And he will— that means he's on the list for Jingle Bell. Dom knows I love him. Dom, if you're listening, I love you.

William 0:19:56 Oh, you said it!

Jordan 0:19:58 Yeah, thank you.

William 0:19:59 I also feel for balance, you should also just broadcast to Ryan.

Jordan 0:20:02 Ryan, I love you.

William 0:20:04 Well done!

Jordan 0:20:06 There you are. I'm seeing Ryan tomorrow. We're going to watch the footy together.

William 0:20:09 Oh, well, that's lovely.

Jordan 0:20:11 There you go. Right.

William 0:20:13 Good. Well, we've, we've done that.

Jordan 0:20:14 Speaking of family.

William 0:20:15 Yes.

Jordan 0:20:16 Wendy's birthday this weekend.

William 0:20:17 Yes. What's she doing? The big 5-0. You're good.

Jordan 0:20:21 You're good. We're having a just a little house party with picky bits and stuff.

William 0:20:25 Plus a change.

Jordan 0:20:26 Eh? She's not doing a barbecue because Your dad gets too pissed and just leaves it all to me, so I'm just gonna do picky bits. Everyone's coming around, it's gonna be chilled. Sure, I'm picky bits. I'm on blow-up bed.

William 0:20:38 Are you?

Jordan 0:20:38 The camp bed, as it's called in our house.

William 0:20:41 Just the bed.

Jordan 0:20:42 So just the bed. She went, might be a big— think you're a big star, but you're on blow-up bed in living room. I'm like, that's fine. She's like, don't make an issue of it. I'm like, I'm not. I said, it's fine. She said, and don't be staying in an Airbnb as well, you'll be fine on camp bed, remember your roots. I'm like, Mum, it's fine. She went, no, I've been saying all week you'll blow up a fuss. I'm like, I'm said it's fine. I've not said a word. You'll be all right, won't you? I said yes. She thinks I've been saying to your dad he'll have a face on thinking he needs something now. I said I'm not making an issue of the camp bed, you are. I'm fine on the camp bed because, you know, I'd put you in spare room, but Dom's and Annie are in there with baby. I'm like, it's fine. She said, it's not though, is it? I said, it's fine.

William 0:21:22 Oh my gosh, she is really poking the bear.

Jordan 0:21:25 Yeah, I'm fine on a blow-up bed. I've lived and slept on many a blow-up bed.

William 0:21:30 I think what you should do— can you do this for content, please? Turn up. Presume you arrive in the morning, lunchtime, whatever. And just secretly audio or film you going, I've actually booked an Airbnb.

Jordan 0:21:42 That's a good shout.

William 0:21:43 And just record her reaction.

Jordan 0:21:44 She'll go, oh, that's fine. That's fine.

William 0:21:47 Or you go, you're going back that evening.

Jordan 0:21:50 Yeah. Oh no, God no. I've tried that before.

William 0:21:53 Okay.

Jordan 0:21:53 She went, what do you mean? I said, I'll get last train, it's only like, it's just before, like, it's just after 11. I said, I'll be home and be in my own bed. What about your family? I said, well, everyone's, everyone, this was, this was, this was at 5 o'clock when the meal had finished. I said, I've got to get back. And I said, Sunday's, you know, Sunday's, I need to get back because I don't have much longer because I'm back in bed for 8 o'clock. She went, no, you'll stay out. I went, all right, that's me told. Yeah, and then we got pissed in Longridge.

William 0:22:17 Nice.

Jordan 0:22:19 Yeah, anything else? All good?

William 0:22:21 Uh, you know, all good, all good.

Jordan 0:22:23 We do have some, uh, really exciting news because we're doing a special collab episode this Friday with Joe and James from the Fact Up podcast. So Joe Thomas and James Buckley, you know them from The Inbetweeners.

William 0:22:36 Well, I don't because I've never seen

Jordan 0:22:38 it.

William 0:22:39 I mean, I know who they are.

Jordan 0:22:40 It's honestly one of the best TV sitcoms ever made. I'm not just saying that, it's It's one of the best. It's like my teenage years watching these.

William 0:22:50 Is it as good as The Good Life? Yeah. Okay.

Jordan 0:22:52 Yes. It was— it kind of like— everyone thought—

William 0:22:55 Is it a similar vibe to The Man Are Born?

Jordan 0:22:57 No.

William 0:22:57 Okay.

Jordan 0:22:58 Everyone imagined their teenage years to be like Skins.

William 0:23:00 Yeah.

Jordan 0:23:01 Did you watch Skins?

William 0:23:02 The episode that my school was in, because my school was in Skins, the posh school.

Jordan 0:23:07 Oh, yes. Oh, was that Clifton?

William 0:23:10 Yeah.

Jordan 0:23:11 Oh, I remember that. Didn't they like drop paint on it or something?

William 0:23:14 I can't really remember.

Jordan 0:23:16 So this is the best. So if I said to you like, ooh, Friends.

William 0:23:19 What, the sitcom?

Jordan 0:23:21 No, this, this is a quote from— no?

William 0:23:24 Okay. Yeah, tell me what I need to know about The Inbetweeners.

Jordan 0:23:27 That bus wanker.

William 0:23:28 I only asked.

Jordan 0:23:30 Uh, bring your wellies.

William 0:23:32 Oh, we're going to the country?

Jordan 0:23:34 No, because we're going to be knee-deep in clunge.

William 0:23:37 Isn't— well, that's a discontinued Farrow Ball paint colour, isn't it?

Jordan 0:23:41 Clunge.

William 0:23:41 Clunge?

Jordan 0:23:42 No. Okay. Uh, when I fingered her, she shit down my arm.

William 0:23:48 Well, it's not really Life to the Mannequin then.

Jordan 0:23:51 Whilst I was shagging this one, I was fingering the one up here, and I was toe-fucking the one on the floor. That's the best scene. It's in the caravan. And he's like, I was shagging one here. It, it's—

William 0:24:01 Does it win any awards?

Jordan 0:24:02 Yeah, loads. Have you not seen the movies?

William 0:24:04 No.

Jordan 0:24:05 Don't worry. Kitty, don't bite, not now she's been fed.

William 0:24:08 I'm sure it's hilarious.

Jordan 0:24:15 Who is it that— because Sean always does the best impression of that. Who is it that he shags and it's like an old woman? And he goes, don't worry, Kitty, don't bite, not now she's been fed. It's the best scene. And there's also Will says, I don't like football. But Burnley? Burnley can fuck off. There's lots of Burnley fans on there.

William 0:24:36 Yeah, I know how to feel.

Jordan 0:24:37 Okay, well, there you go.

William 0:24:39 Well, I can't wait to fuck up with them.

Jordan 0:24:41 I know, that's happening on Friday. Special bonus episode. I've never met them before. Do you know what?

William 0:24:46 Oh my God, are you gonna be like that fan in Alan Partridge?

Jordan 0:24:49 Yes.

William 0:24:49 Yeah.

Jordan 0:24:50 What's he called?

William 0:24:51 With the room full of Alan Partridge's face.

Jordan 0:24:55 Yeah, but— and I've not met them.

William 0:24:57 Or one of those Royal Watches you see when they have Jubilees and coronations, and they've got all that memorabilia and mugs with Diana on.

Jordan 0:25:04 bring the tea towels out. Yeah, a bit like you. That would be you.

William 0:25:08 I'm not that bad.

Jordan 0:25:09 If you weren't doing what you do. Okay. Uh, but yeah, and it's— I've really pushed for this, I'm not gonna lie, because I've been like basically to the point where I've been commenting on their posts, and their podcast is, is brilliant. So yeah.

William 0:25:22 Okay, well, I'm looking forward to that on Friday.

Jordan 0:25:24 All right, so that's happening on Friday. Right now what is happening is Jordan's Jolly Joke of the Week. Are you ready?

William 0:25:30 I am So ready for it. Here is the jingle.

Speaker G 0:25:34 If you like a chap who's cheeky and northern, you're in for a treat with our Jordan. And if a giggle is what you seek, you're sure to love Jordan's Jolly Joke of the Week. Cha-cha-cha-cha, cha-cha-cha-cha-cha, cha-cha-cha-cha-cha. All

Jordan 0:25:50 right, this one's from Brian. A man walks into a bar, pulls out a small man about 1 foot tall, places him on the bar, He reaches into the other pocket, pulls out a small piano, and puts it on the bar, and the small man starts playing. I'll tell you the punchline after the break.

Jordan 0:28:43 All right, Gene Divas, thanks for sticking with us. It's now time for Jordan's Jolly Joke of the Week. A man walks into a bar, pulls out a small man about 1 foot tall, places him on the bar, reaches into his other pocket, pulls out a piano, and puts it on the bar, and the small man starts playing the piano. And barman says, wow, that's fucking brilliant. Where'd you get that guy from? Man replies, there's a genie down the road giving out free wishes. So the barman runs out and comes back with a bunch of ducks around him and says, that genie you recommended was fucking awful. Asked for a million bucks and he gave me a million ducks. Man sat at the bar and says, well, do you really think I asked for a 12-inch pianist? Yeah, that's from Brian. That's a good one, innit?

William 0:29:36 Lucky old Brian.

Jordan 0:29:37 I like that one because, uh, my dad sent me that, uh, told me that years ago. I remember.

William 0:29:42 Yes, it had a ring of familiarity to it.

Jordan 0:29:45 I've got another fear. Oh, can I read that one? This is from Carl. What does licking fanny and the mafia have in common? One slip of the tongue and you're in the shit.

William 0:30:01 I am laughing, just also despairing at the same time.

Jordan 0:30:04 There you go. 2 crackers for you this week. There've been some good jolly jokes at the moment.

Ben 0:30:07 2 very butch—

William 0:30:09 Yeah, very butch jokes.

Ben 0:30:11 Jokes from Carl and Brian.

Jordan 0:30:13 Do you think it's because I've mentioned home, I've gone a bit more— We should record a podcast day after I've got back from home.

William 0:30:22 Sunday.

Jordan 0:30:23 It's a bad idea.

William 0:30:25 Okay.

Jordan 0:30:26 Alright, should we go on to the questions and dilemmas? Questions and dilemmas, yes.

William 0:30:30 This is from Anonymous. Hi, William, Jordan, and the team. My friend is seeing an older man, 20-year age gap, and let's just say he isn't as sexually active as she would like. In an attempt to wake up his inner passion, she asked if she could use her toys, to which he replied yes. So off she went, while he just commented how loud it was and went back to watching a documentary about mooring boats. Wish I was joking. And then said, Well, it's past the witching hour. I'm off to bed, while she was mid-buzz. Please, please, please read this out so she can hear from you guys that she needs to sack him and his shit documentaries off and live happily ever after with her rampant rabbit. Lots of love, a concerned friend. Well, if she's happy with him, regardless of when he is going off to bed, it's none of your business, is what I would say.

Jordan 0:31:14 And he might— yeah, and he might be tired. You know, some people do get up early for shift work and what have you. So sometimes you're just like, you crack on, I'm gonna go to bed.

William 0:31:26 Yeah, have a nice time. I mean, I would hope that there is some sort of sexual connection between the two of them at some point. That would be nice. But maybe you just have to do it earlier on in the day.

Jordan 0:31:34 If it's the documentary I think it's on about, by the way, it's not that. There's a new documentary on Channel 4, right? It's on in the afternoon. I was in a hotel room and watched it, right? And it's basically like A Place in the Sun, you know, they find all these characters that have moved abroad, but yeah, it's basically people that have bought canal boats. Oh, it's fantastic. I've got such a better life now, as they're in this tiny kitchen trying to fucking get their way around. It's class. I don't know what it was called, I watched it on Channel 4, so if it's that— but if it's a Tony Robinson one, it's probably a bit—

William 0:32:08 Baldrick.

Jordan 0:32:09 Did you ever watch Time Team?

William 0:32:11 No. I've watched Blackadder, so I feel I'm aware of his work.

Jordan 0:32:13 Time Team was good, but then he started doing— I've never seen any of them railway ones or anything, have you?

William 0:32:19 What, with Michael Portillo?

Jordan 0:32:20 Yeah.

William 0:32:21 No.

Ben 0:32:21 I think it's called Narrow Escapes.

Jordan 0:32:24 Narrow Escapes?

William 0:32:25 Oh, that's a good title.

Ben 0:32:26 Which is a great title.

William 0:32:28 That is a great title.

Jordan 0:32:29 It's class.

Ben 0:32:30 Can I read the description for you?

Jordan 0:32:32 Go on, of course you can. Hi,

Ben 0:32:33 Ben. From bobbing businesses to continuous cruisers, we meet the vibrant community who call the UK's canal network home.

Jordan 0:32:42 It's

Ben 0:32:42 on every day at 4 PM on Channel 4.

Jordan 0:32:44 Oh, I'm gonna get back into it.

William 0:32:46 You'll be on that.

Jordan 0:32:47 Oh yeah.

William 0:32:48 Continuous cruiser.

Ben 0:32:49 It's only 3 series deep.

Jordan 0:32:51 Is it 3? I thought it was only— well, it's the first I've heard of it. You'd like it, Stuart. Would I? Yeah, Executive Chairman Emeritus Stuart. It's right up your street, like when you just get in after a stressful day.

William 0:33:03 Um, this is from James. Dear William Jordan and the rest of the sexy crew, recently while driving I found myself behind a slow-moving hearse complete with coffin. They often are. Since this was a dual carriageway and we were well under the speed limit, I could have safely and legally overtaken said hearse at any time. But as it was clearly carrying someone's deceased loved one, it felt disrespectful to do so, and so I opted to remain behind the hearse until we naturally went our separate ways. Had the hearse been empty, I probably wouldn't have given it a second thought. So now I'm wondering, what is the etiquette in this situation? Loving the podcast, it keeps things interesting on long journeys.

Jordan 0:33:35 That's a great question. I don't think I'd overtake a hearse if it had a coffin in.

William 0:33:40 No, I would be interested to hear what the Highways Agency says about this, or the DVLA, because it's a dual carriageway, and that's presumably national speed limit on a dual carriageway unless signposted otherwise. And so I would probably say actually then going at 20, 30. Although if the hearse is doing it, I guess it is legal. They're not gonna break the rules. But maybe hearses do go a bit quicker. If we have any undertakers listening, could they let us know what speed hearses When with a load, are meant to be going out on dual carriageways and motorways. Do hearses go on motorways? I'd be keen to know.

Jordan 0:34:13 But is it bad etiquette to overtake one when it's—

William 0:34:15 Not if you do it safely.

Jordan 0:34:17 Do you think? No,

William 0:34:18 it's fine.

Jordan 0:34:18 Oh, I wouldn't personally. I think it's quite disrespectful. I disagree with you there.

William 0:34:22 Okay.

Jordan 0:34:23 And especially if the family are in the car behind. Yeah, I do. And then what if, knowing my luck, I'd end up in middle? I thought, oh shit. Sorry, I'll overtake. Oh shit. Also,

William 0:34:36 yes,

Jordan 0:34:37 when I die—

William 0:34:37 I love it when you do your little, little hand. Also, also, yeah,

Jordan 0:34:42 when I die.

William 0:34:43 Yeah.

Jordan 0:34:43 And let's face it, it's probably gonna be me before you.

William 0:34:45 Yeah, definitely. Yeah, probably me murdering you, but yes.

Jordan 0:34:48 Yeah, cut that bit out for me. Save money. The hearse, like, pick it up at your house and stuff.

William 0:34:53 Oh, hang on.

Jordan 0:34:54 Just take me from funeral home to to cemetery, whatever it's called.

William 0:34:59 The cemetery?

Jordan 0:35:00 Yeah, the cemetery.

William 0:35:00 All right, Kikilius.

Jordan 0:35:02 The burning place. What's the burning place called?

Ben 0:35:04 Crematorium.

Jordan 0:35:05 Yeah, take me to that. Don't go around me house, that's gonna cost you more. I don't want people paying money for that.

William 0:35:10 What?

Jordan 0:35:10 Can't they just—

William 0:35:11 Is this a northern thing?

Jordan 0:35:13 No, surely— I don't know, but I think it's a bit of a con, right? I don't work in funeral homes, and trust me, it's not—

William 0:35:19 But I don't get what route you're saying.

Jordan 0:35:20 It's literally not a dying business. They, they must make enough money. There should be an option.

Ben 0:35:27 It's alive and well.

Jordan 0:35:28 It's not a dying business.

William 0:35:30 Unlike their clients.

Jordan 0:35:30 Yeah, it isn't. Right. It's not— just, there must be an option to say—

William 0:35:34 So hang on, but you're saying—

Jordan 0:35:35 Coffin, give me—

William 0:35:36 So you start at the undertaker's.

Jordan 0:35:39 Give me— don't make shit—

William 0:35:40 Then you go to your house.

Jordan 0:35:40 Yeah, 'cause they go round, and then everyone has to shut the curtains and stuff.

William 0:35:44 That is definitely an northern thing. I'm sorry, we don't do that down here.

Jordan 0:35:46 So you don't go into the car? Get in and then you— the family usually follow the coffin, don't they, to the—

William 0:35:54 No, it normally turns up at the church.

Jordan 0:35:57 No, it's usually the family follow it behind. Oh, come on, everyone does that. Anyway, I'm not even saying take it to church, just put me in back of van and get me there before everyone else.

Ben 0:36:08 Straight to heaven.

Jordan 0:36:09 Yeah, just get— don't, don't— I'm gonna say to him, is there an option where we can just cut all that shite out?

William 0:36:14 Well, I don't think you'll have much choice.

Jordan 0:36:16 Chuck me in back of that Transit van, chuck me back at there and just get lads to get me out. I'll be right.

William 0:36:21 It's what he would have wanted.

Jordan 0:36:22 Yeah.

Ben 0:36:23 Do you know what they do in some South American countries?

William 0:36:26 Oh, did you go on holiday to South America?

Ben 0:36:29 Oh, piss off.

William 0:36:29 Gosh, that's the most—

Jordan 0:36:32 You deserve that, to be fair. I'll always back you up, but you deserve that.

William 0:36:37 Yes, Ben, tell us, what do they do in South America?

Ben 0:36:39 So there's a lot of dead bodies and they've got massive, massive— I went to a few of them of like—

William 0:36:45 When you were on holiday?

Ben 0:36:46 Graveyards. But instead of having the gravestone and it being stuck forever and burying it forever, Basically what they do is every like year they chop up the remains and like half the size of the remains. So you go from having like a normal grave to then being in like a tiny little box.

Jordan 0:37:03 This is why I don't want to go travelling. Just going out, just going on holiday, if that's all you got from 6 months off.

William 0:37:09 I'll tell you what they do with their bodies.

Jordan 0:37:11 I know, you could have Wikipedia'd that.

William 0:37:13 Yeah.

Jordan 0:37:13 I get years ago it would broaden your horizon. Because there weren't— there were only Wish You Were Here on, so you didn't really know much about them.

William 0:37:23 RIP Judas Childers. Oh yeah, bless Judas Childers.

Jordan 0:37:26 Anyway, I get it, but now I'd rather just go on holiday.

William 0:37:30 Can we just have an also pause? The thing we were discussing before. So Toy Story 5 is all about, um, that's the villain. This is in the trailer, it's not a spoiler, is the iPad or the tablet. It's not an Apple product, obviously, it's just It's a tablet. And in the news now is social media is being banned for the under-16s. And obviously, that's basically the plot of Toy Story 5. Have you killed social media for the under-16s? Has that fallen— is that the biggest victim of the Jordan North curse?

Jordan 0:38:05 That and the Toy Story franchise.

William 0:38:07 Yes.

Jordan 0:38:09 Do another question, come on.

William 0:38:10 I think we all know the answer. This is from Elise. Dear Ruth, Garden Gnome, and the Bee of BJ Services. I was invited to a close friend's 30th last week. Lovely. We're in a group of 4, so the rest of us clubbed together to buy her a voucher, which we gave to her on the night. My only issue, another member of the group also recently turned 30, but we didn't get her a present as a group. I couldn't make her party, and I hadn't given My plan was to bring her 30th present along too, but then it hit me. What's the etiquette for bringing a birthday present to a party when it isn't for the host? Is that considered rude? I was originally planning to gift her alcohol, which would've meant walking in with a large gift bag that looked like it was for the host, potentially having to say, oh, this one isn't for you. So, what is the etiquette of this very 21st century dilemma? Lots of love. Never stop the pod. Elise. I think you would— you'd just have to say to whoever you're trying to give the present to, by the way, I've got something in my car for you. Don't wanna give it in here because it's not for the host. Don't let me leave without getting it. Yeah. That's all I'd say.

Jordan 0:39:11 That's very good. Just say, I've got some— What if they're not in a car? Just say—

William 0:39:15 Well, you're stuffed.

Jordan 0:39:16 Yeah, probably best not to take it to a birthday party and give it to someone else.

William 0:39:19 I do think it does look— And at least you are aware of that.

Jordan 0:39:23 I'd just say to him, I've got a present for you at home or in work. That's a good question, though.

William 0:39:28 That's a nice one. And well done for being conscious of how it looks. This is from Megan. Dear William and Jordan, and producer Ben, if applicable. I'm a newer listener, and I don't know if people TB is still with the podcast.

Ben 0:39:37 Oh.

William 0:39:39 Wow. Sadly, yes.

Jordan 0:39:41 Yeah, he never came back from travelling.

William 0:39:42 No.

Jordan 0:39:44 Yeah.

William 0:39:44 But now he's off somewhere. We're gonna go out in a year's time and chop his remains up and make it smaller.

Ben 0:39:48 Yeah.

Jordan 0:39:50 He's like that kid from Jungle Book. What's he called?

William 0:39:52 Mowgli.

Jordan 0:39:53 He's Mowgli now. He's just in a jungle, in a forest in South America somewhere.

William 0:39:57 Eating a guinea pig.

Jordan 0:39:58 Yeah.

William 0:39:59 I work part-time in a shop, Megan says. It's a liquor store that my friend owns. There is a bit of a drama. He got the manager pregnant. Wow, shouldn't have licked her. And now their daughter is a year old. My quandary is this: I open the store and work until 4 PM on weekends. We have had people quit recently, and now the boss owner, my friend, and the manager, his girlfriend, come in to relieve me. The problem is that they never come in on time. Sometimes it's only 5 minutes late, sometimes 20 minutes. They never explain or apologise for the tardiness. I was raised in a punctual family, especially when it comes to work. My father always told me, if you're on time, that's 5 minutes late. How do I go about asking them to come in on time? If they were my subordinates, I'd have no issue saying, hey, I really need you to come in on time, but phrasing it like this to my superiors makes me uncomfortable. If my boss and manager weren't in a relationship, I'd feel more comfortable talking to either one about the issue of being chronically tardy. Thank you so much. Best, Megan. No HR department in Massachusetts.

Jordan 0:40:55 I know it's a bit of a piss take, that, because if you were 20 minutes late, they won't be happy, would they?

William 0:40:58 No, they would not.

Jordan 0:40:59 No, it sounds a very unprofessional Uh, business. Getting the boss pregnant, tipping up when they want.

William 0:41:06 Gosh, tell us what you really think.

Jordan 0:41:07 Well, it does. Doesn't sound very professional. I believe—

Ben 0:41:10 Isn't that what you do here?

William 0:41:12 We haven't—

Jordan 0:41:14 I— right,

William 0:41:14 excuse me, we have not got anyone pregnant.

Jordan 0:41:16 We've not got anyone pregnant.

William 0:41:17 And given it a go, but it's a joke.

Jordan 0:41:21 And I've been well on time of late.

William 0:41:24 To be fair, you were today.

Jordan 0:41:26 I was last week. I've been on time of late.

William 0:41:29 Emphasis on late.

Ben 0:41:31 I think that I would say the sort of the excuse is like the tube line sits down hasn't happened for a while. Because that used to happen every week.

Jordan 0:41:40 Well, it was.

William 0:41:41 Jordan, I'm going to tell you something. In the interests of light entertainment.

Jordan 0:41:47 I know where this is going.

William 0:41:48 You would walk in and go, oh, sorry, Piccadilly Line's gone down. I would open up the Tube line status, and it was good service on every single line without fail. And Ben and I would genuinely— we were— before you even got here, we'd look at the Tube line status, go see good service everywhere, and wait for you to text to go, oh, major disruption at Popcoasters.

Jordan 0:42:11 Sometimes they don't upload. Sometimes they're left behind. So shut up. And I walked here today, thank you very much. And I was on time. I had 2 interviews, did the other Capital podcast, and was still on time.

Ben 0:42:24 Yeah, well, yeah, I said well done.

William 0:42:26 Well done.

Jordan 0:42:27 And if you— your lads from Jackass and Adam Lambert did a podcast and came here.

William 0:42:31 Johnny Knoxville?

Jordan 0:42:32 Yeah.

William 0:42:33 Gosh.

Jordan 0:42:33 That was a weird moment.

William 0:42:35 You've got me coming in next week, I believe.

Ben 0:42:38 Maybe William could do some Jackass.

Jordan 0:42:40 Oh yeah, it's a quiet week. Yeah.

Ben 0:42:46 Being nice to each other lasted long, didn't

William 0:42:49 it? Yes. No, going back to Megan with no HR department, I would probably— you just have to say to them, I have to leave at 4 o'clock. Please make sure you're on time.

Jordan 0:42:58 Yeah.

William 0:42:59 And just say— Because I don't want to have to lock up the store.

Jordan 0:43:01 I think you need to make it an issue. Just like, please be on time, especially at weekends. I've got plans. I've got people waiting on me. So, yeah.

William 0:43:07 Yeah. Just communicate in advance. And if not, then you have to say to them, look, I'm afraid I'm going to have to find work elsewhere because, you know, etc., for all your reasons. You are within your rights. And yes, you're friends with them, but they're not being friendly with you. We'll finish with this from Dexter.

Jordan 0:43:22 Get out of my laboratory!

William 0:43:23 Dear William, Jordan, and EPB, my friend and I visited Gran Canaria— they're gay— for the first time during Pride Week. Told you. Excited to experience all the usual fun that gay guys get up to around the Jumbo Centre. We're also both into pup play, which I'm sure we know all about by now. On our last night of the holiday, we decided to visit the cruising bar Noxon for one final adventure. We were both feeling a little frisky and ended up in the slings next to each other, having a great time with plenty of pups and other guys joining in. My friend had one particular guy come over who we noticed earlier at the urinal trough. Thinking nothing of it, they got together and everything seemed fairly normal at first. The guy was giving my friend a good time and then started rimming him, which again didn't seem unusual in that environment. However, without any warning or discussion, If this is where I'm— He suddenly remained inside my friend, and moments later walked away dripping wet. My friend looked at me in shock and said, he just pissed on me and walked off. By the time we realised exactly what had happened, he'd already disappeared into the darkroom and ran off before we had the chance to confront him or even ask what he thought he was doing.

Jordan 0:44:27 So, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Just so I'm definitely on the—

William 0:44:32 Right, shall we roleplay?

Jordan 0:44:33 No. Just so I'm— Definitely keeping up here.

William 0:44:38 Yeah.

Jordan 0:44:39 You were getting shagged in a swing.

William 0:44:42 Yeah, well, that— fair enough. Dressed as a puppy. Well, someone was dressed as a puppy. It's unclear who.

Jordan 0:44:48 And he pissed in his arsehole.

William 0:44:50 Yeah, now, I have limited experience of all of the above, but I believe it's quite hard to— when you're tumescent. I think it's quite hard to—

Jordan 0:45:04 How'd you know he was from Holland?

William 0:45:05 What?

Jordan 0:45:07 He was tumescent.

William 0:45:08 No, tumescent means erect.

Jordan 0:45:09 Right.

William 0:45:10 And I believe when you are erect, it is quite hard to urinate.

Jordan 0:45:13 Carry on. I just wanted to clear that up. Alright.

Ben 0:45:16 Maybe you might need good control of your pelvic floor.

Jordan 0:45:19 Yes, and remember not to yuck anyone's yum here.

William 0:45:24 No, but it's pretty disgusting.

Jordan 0:45:26 Carry on.

William 0:45:27 So my question is, what is the etiquette for when it comes to something like this in a darkroom? Is it ever acceptable for someone to do something like that without without asking first, or is consent and a quick conversation always expected regardless of the setting? Thanks, your friendly pup, Dexter. I would agree with that last statement. Wherever you are, whether it's a darkroom, your own bedroom, the studio, you absolutely need consent and a quick conversation.

Jordan 0:45:49 Yeah, you need consent to pissing someone's arse. And if you—

William 0:45:54 Stick that on the carousel.

Jordan 0:45:55 Well, you do. You need consent to pissing someone's arse.

William 0:45:58 You need consent for it all! Yeah, even if you're just doing kissing.

Jordan 0:46:01 Even to piss on someone, you need consent. Yes. Yeah. Um, also you can get these now because it just reminded me, you can get these like, uh, fold-up mop buckets. So if you're into that, you could take it with you because if it's going to come out your arse, you're gonna have to— literally the term pissing out me arse when you've had a bad curry.

William 0:46:24 Thank you.

Jordan 0:46:24 So maybe if you're into that, get one of those fold-up, uh, mop buckets that you can take with you.

William 0:46:28 Viel do a lovely one.

Jordan 0:46:30 I— yeah, I've got a fold-up wash basket. I love it because it goes A bit like his arse.

Ben 0:46:35 What happens in that situation?

William 0:46:40 In what situation, Ben? Why are we still talking about this?

Jordan 0:46:43 Well, you just— how would you get up from that? You're gonna go, Dave, Dave, it's Dexter. Take the mask off. Seriously, no, no, no, you have to help me to the toilet because I've got piss in me arse and I need to get to a bog. So you have to hold it in.

William 0:47:01 Could be quite difficult.

Jordan 0:47:02 Thank you for your questions. We're not, we're not yumming anyone's yuck. Yum. Yuckin' anyone's—

William 0:47:08 I am.

Jordan 0:47:08 Yeah, yum. Thank you for your— each to their own. What goes on behind closed doors is—

William 0:47:15 Bunch of perverts. William. What?

Jordan 0:47:19 Thank you for your questions and dilemmas. Remember, you can listen to new episodes every Tuesday and Friday, 24 hours before anywhere else. on Global Player. You can even watch us on YouTube as well. We put the full episodes up on every release day. Just head to YouTube and search for Sex Ed. Goodbye.

William 0:47:36 We'll see you in a darkroom. I really need a wee. All right.