Help I Fact Up! | With Joe Thomas And James Buckley

Jordan 0:02:09 Hello and welcome to this very special episode where Help I Sex My Boss joins Joe Thomas and James Buckley from on the Joe and James Fact Up podcast. I'm not gonna lie, this is something I've been trying to get to happen for ages now.

William 0:02:30 Yes, for all the Fact Up listeners out there, hello, we are William Hanson and Jordan North from Help, I Sexed My Boss.

Jordan 0:02:36 Hello. I'm deaf in one ear, so William always goes on my good ear.

Speaker E 0:02:42 Yeah. Oh, okay.

Jordan 0:02:43 Yeah.

James Buckley 0:02:44 Yes, okay.

Jordan 0:02:44 Sorry.

James Buckley 0:02:45 What, um—

Jordan 0:02:45 No, you don't have to apologise. For my deafness.

James Buckley 0:02:47 Is there a tragic story behind that?

William 0:02:50 In fact, you should ask that when we get going.

James Buckley 0:02:51 We're going?

Speaker G 0:02:52 Yeah. Are we going? Yeah, let's go.

Joe Thomas 0:02:53 Well, no, we are, I don't know, the trouble is, We have to just take everything because we're very inefficient and we might say something good in the beginning without—

William 0:03:02 I doubt it.

James Buckley 0:03:03 We do about a 3-hour recording.

Joe Thomas 0:03:04 We do about 3 hours and then they whittle it down to 2 minutes or something. We have the same trainers.

William 0:03:07 Oh, shush. I'm not in trainers today. I'm in a nice suede loafer.

Joe Thomas 0:03:11 Well, see, these are very nice. Yes. Now, these shoes are gradually getting worse, and they do have on them, amongst other things, my 3-year-old daughter's wee. Yeah. So she— the trouble is, is that she literally favours what she calls a bush wee, because of Bluey, right? So she will not go to the toilet when the toilet is available, 'cause she prefers going wild. And then the system is I basically just hold her aloft, and then it kinda comes out, and it goes all over the fucking place. And I just— after the most recent one, I was like, it's just all over my fucking shoe.

James Buckley 0:03:43 You know you're allowed to tell your children not to piss outside?

Speaker I 0:03:46 I can't.

Joe Thomas 0:03:47 I am not able to do that. I don't have any— I have no control over her.

Jordan 0:03:51 Did you ever wee outside? Did you ever wee on your dad's wheel? You know, at—

William 0:03:55 No. Oh, you can't. No, funnily enough, I didn't.

Jordan 0:03:58 I seen a child on the Tube having a wee on one of those potties yesterday, funnily enough.

Joe Thomas 0:04:03 Yeah, yeah. She started getting the potty out as well. I don't know why. It's just—

William 0:04:07 Well, on your Tube line, I suspect that all goes on. Well, it doesn't happen on the Elizabeth Line, let's be honest.

Speaker J 0:04:12 Well, yeah, I suppose the Elizabeth— yeah.

Jordan 0:04:13 There's more crackheads on there than—

William 0:04:15 Not on my trains.

Jordan 0:04:17 The normal line.

William 0:04:17 The Elizabeth Line does look like less stuff would go down on it. It's a very executive line. Yeah, for a better class of commuter.

Joe Thomas 0:04:26 What do you think's like the roughest line?

William 0:04:28 What's the worst one? What's the one you live on?

Joe Thomas 0:04:30 Where everyone joins their changes.

William 0:04:32 Yes.

Joe Thomas 0:04:33 So there's live updates on the map.

Jordan 0:04:35 They've changed that today, they've got new trains.

Joe Thomas 0:04:38 I used to be on Bakerloo.

William 0:04:38 Yeah. Oh, I'm sorry.

Speaker I 0:04:40 It's a really old— it's the oldest line.

James Buckley 0:04:42 Is that when you was at Elephant and Castle way?

Joe Thomas 0:04:43 Yeah, we're Elephant and Castle. Well—

William 0:04:45 Did you live in Elephant and Castle?

Joe Thomas 0:04:46 Yeah, well, estate agents said Kennington, and then we were like, it's Elephant and Castle, mate.

William 0:04:50 It's very gay, Elephant and Castle. Is it? Yes. Is it? It is now.

James Buckley 0:04:54 I'm shocked.

William 0:04:54 Now you've left.

Joe Thomas 0:04:56 I know, I knew it was.

Jordan 0:04:58 Have we started? I knew it was, and that's why I— Oh, we have. Oh, we've started. Well, thanks for having— I'm gonna say thanks for having us, and I feel like I've really pushed this, 'cause I'm trying not to fangirl right now. So I feel like it's me. I don't know if you've wanted to do this, but I've been pushing Stuart.

William 0:05:10 They've been made to do this.

Joe Thomas 0:05:12 No, but also, if you wanna get out of— if you want the fangirl thing to wear off for you, just spend some time with us, and it will immediately wear off. You don't need to worry.

Jordan 0:05:22 Did you ever watch The Inbetweeners or White Gold or even—

William 0:05:25 I don't really watch television.

Jordan 0:05:27 No, it's fine.

Speaker K 0:05:29 Fine.

William 0:05:29 But I hear wonderful things.

Joe Thomas 0:05:31 Thank you very much.

William 0:05:32 I know lots of people love it, and that's wonderful. Well— And you are both cult figures.

Joe Thomas 0:05:36 Yes. Well, no, I don't think— Say cult.

William 0:05:39 Cult. Right, okay.

James Buckley 0:05:40 Yes.

Speaker L 0:05:40 No, I don't think we're—

William 0:05:41 2 big cults.

James Buckley 0:05:42 Massive cults. Well— Fresh Meat cult. Did you ever watch that?

Jordan 0:05:45 Did you ever watch Fresh Meat as well?

William 0:05:47 No. Really? No, I don't watch TV.

Speaker I 0:05:49 Honestly, and I'll tell you what, I don't really—

Joe Thomas 0:05:52 I don't watch comedy now, 'cause I can't. Oh, really? It just makes me too anxious. It's like—

William 0:05:57 Oh, that's a shame.

Joe Thomas 0:05:58 Well, yeah, I mean, basically it's like, if it's good, I'm jealous, and I'm like, why aren't I in this? My career's over. Why can't I do anything good anymore? And if it's bad, I'm like, fucking hell, is this what it's like when people are watching me? Am I this shit? So it's just either way, it's just like—

William 0:06:11 I don't know, people love The Inbetweeners.

Joe Thomas 0:06:12 Well, I don't take any credit for The Inbetweeners, because— I mean, he's very good in it. But I think— That's true.

Speaker M 0:06:18 He's good in it.

Joe Thomas 0:06:19 I just think, didn't write it, didn't really know what he was doing.

James Buckley 0:06:22 I've never watched anything that you or the other boys have ever done.

Speaker N 0:06:26 I've watched Friday Night Dinner.

James Buckley 0:06:27 Apparently Friday Night Dinner is meant to be amazing, and Robert Popper's involved in a lot of it.

Joe Thomas 0:06:31 It's fantastic, but again, I didn't watch it, and then I wanted to do a retrospective for it. They asked me to do one of those talking heads for it. And I— so I watched the— I'd watched a few episodes of the first series, and I was like, I've gotta fucking watch all of it. So I watched all of it over the course of about 3 days. Brilliant. Then I did the talking head and I was just like catatonic with tiredness. And I was just— I knew like a weird amount about it. I was like, I think it's in Series 4, Episode 3, where it was an idea. And also they just didn't use it.

James Buckley 0:06:58 The novelty of television hasn't worn off on me. Like, I can't watch it. If I was to watch like Fresh Meat or Friday Night Dinner or something, I'd just be going, oh, I know that guy.

Speaker O 0:07:07 Yeah.

James Buckley 0:07:08 He's a mate of mine. Someone I know is on the television.

Joe Thomas 0:07:10 I mean, when I was a child, television was like a magic thing. Like magic, uh, almost. I was kind of like And I really, really thought it was true. Like, if I watched The Bill, I'd be like, this is what the police is like. They wouldn't be allowed to put it in if it wasn't what the police was like.

William 0:07:24 Yeah. What shows did you grow up watching other than The Bill?

Joe Thomas 0:07:27 Well, first of all, everything. Because I grew up with the 4 channels, so it was just like every single thing. I came home, I put the television on, I kept it on if I didn't have any work to do until like 1:30 in the morning, and then I went to bed. And I watched everything.

James Buckley 0:07:40 And I remember You didn't have any work to do.

Speaker I 0:07:43 I didn't. Well, no, I tried—

James Buckley 0:07:44 You were a kid.

Joe Thomas 0:07:44 Well, I had essays. I mean, for school, what I mean is like, I'd come home from school, I'd watch television until, I don't know, 8:30, 9:00, and I'd be like, oh, I better do some fucking work. And then I'd stay up really, really late doing my work. How old were you?

James Buckley 0:07:57 How old were you going, oh, I better do some fucking work?

Joe Thomas 0:08:00 I suppose I'll tell you what it was. Basically, I would say that, uh, 14. 14.

James Buckley 0:08:07 Right.

Joe Thomas 0:08:08 But I remember—

Jordan 0:08:08 Yeah, you just—

Joe Thomas 0:08:10 I remember there being literally nothing on. Yeah. As in, the quality of there being nothing on. Like, when you'd have just the 4 channels and there would honestly— there were some really, really black periods on a Sunday where there was horse racing on 2 channels.

William 0:08:29 Yeah.

James Buckley 0:08:29 Yeah.

Joe Thomas 0:08:29 And I think, oh, for fuck's sake. Honestly, I just couldn't even—

James Buckley 0:08:34 Just go home. I couldn't even look at the screen.

Joe Thomas 0:08:36 I couldn't even—

James Buckley 0:08:37 I was never at home when I was a kid. I was just outside. I was the same.

Jordan 0:08:40 I was always out. Oh yeah. I don't think the telly was at that. I always played football, Kirby, bananas.

Speaker E 0:08:44 That sounds much more healthy.

James Buckley 0:08:45 Just wait until it got too dark to see the ball and then you'd have to go home.

Jordan 0:08:48 Yeah.

William 0:08:49 But where did you grow up?

Joe Thomas 0:08:50 In Essex, in, um, a village called Rittle.

William 0:08:53 And where did you grow up?

James Buckley 0:08:54 I grew up in Essex as well.

William 0:08:56 Okay.

James Buckley 0:08:57 In Dagenham. Dagenham. They call it East London now.

Jordan 0:09:00 Yeah, I've always thought— because that's funny because my headphones have been nicked and they're currently in Dagenham.

James Buckley 0:09:03 Right. Have they?

William 0:09:04 You're not getting those back. How did they get Knit backstage.

James Buckley 0:09:07 We can try and get them back for you. I want it.

Jordan 0:09:09 They're in Dagenham. If you know anyone, I can track them right now. Cheeky bastard.

Speaker P 0:09:13 James is a bit of a nuisance.

James Buckley 0:09:14 You know anyone flogging any, any AirPods?

William 0:09:18 With a lot of wax buildup in both of them.

Jordan 0:09:20 Oh, he cleaned my AirPods once. Oh, I left them at his and he got a lot.

James Buckley 0:09:24 I had to buy a little gadget off Amazon to clean mine, clear the AirPods and the receptacle thing that they come in. 'Cause they—

William 0:09:34 And did it do the job?

James Buckley 0:09:35 They were really grim. 'Cause I don't clean my ears that much.

William 0:09:38 Have you not had your ears syringed?

James Buckley 0:09:40 No, I've got a bit of a phobia about it.

William 0:09:42 Why?

James Buckley 0:09:42 When I was a kid, you know when you're a kid and your mum like shoves a cotton bud in your ear and it's awful? It's really sort of traumatic.

Joe Thomas 0:09:49 You're not meant to use them for cleaning your ears.

James Buckley 0:09:51 I was told, don't put anything bigger than your elbow in your ear. I was told that.

Speaker Q 0:09:55 And it doesn't make any sense, does it?

William 0:09:57 How can you fit your elbow in your ear?

Joe Thomas 0:09:58 Exactly, exactly. The doctor used to say to my mum, You shouldn't put anything in your ear bigger than your elbow. And my mum thought it was this amazing witticism.

Speaker R 0:10:05 This sort of Wildean, it was like, oh, I'll tell you what Dr.

Joe Thomas 0:10:08 Vincent says. It does make me laugh. Don't put anything bigger— I was like, it's not funny, it doesn't make sense.

William 0:10:13 Well, talking of ears, before we got going, we were talking about Jordan being deaf in one ear. Now ask him the story.

James Buckley 0:10:18 Yeah, go on, what's happened here?

William 0:10:19 Especially if you've got a phobia.

Jordan 0:10:20 William just finds it hilarious, but basically, I've been deaf in one ear since I was 14. I was putting my bike in the shed, My mum said, don't leave your bike out, it'll get nicked. And I was like, oh, for fuck's sake. So I went and put my bike in the shed, my ear burst, popped. I've been deaf since. Putting your bike in the shed? Yeah, I've just been deaf since.

James Buckley 0:10:39 Were you trying to put something bigger than your elbow in there?

Jordan 0:10:42 I was just putting my ear burst and I went, my ear's burst, and mum went, you'll be right. And then 2 weeks later I was like, still can't hear out that ear.

James Buckley 0:10:50 Hang on, because this is terrifying. Did you do something? Was you— did you do something physically? It was one of them things. Just walk it, just Doing your bike, oh God.

Jordan 0:10:58 And it's like burst an eardrum and it's damaged it. But someone did say, but then someone said that's— I've said this a few times, but then a medical professional was apparently close to like an aneurysm or something, you know, when people—

William 0:11:08 Aneurysm.

Jordan 0:11:09 Yeah, so it's quite serious, but we laugh now. And then I got a, um, I got—

James Buckley 0:11:14 Well, everyone was laughing at the time.

William 0:11:16 Yeah, he couldn't hear them.

Jordan 0:11:17 And it came with the NHS and they put a Burnley badge in it to try and like make me wear it, but I went to a school in Preston, so— Yeah, no, yeah, you get shit kicked out.

James Buckley 0:11:26 Yeah, exactly.

Jordan 0:11:27 and then it came in a pink and yellow lunchbox with, I promise you, Ellie the Elephant on the front, who had a hearing aid in. Imagine being in year 10.

William 0:11:36 Ellie the Elephant or Nelly the Elephant?

Jordan 0:11:37 It was stuck in it, I just called it Ellie the Elephant. Ellie the Elephant. You know you put your bags down at school to play football and it's like, it was those drawstring bags that everyone had.

William 0:11:45 Yeah.

Jordan 0:11:45 And they nicked it out of it and they wanted me to chase after it and I was just like, I'm just— and I've never seen it since.

William 0:11:51 It's in Dagenham.

Jordan 0:11:52 Honestly, it's probably in Dagenham.

William 0:11:53 Give you AirPods, yeah.

Jordan 0:11:54 So they, like, you know, the like lads or the bullies took it out and they were like trying to throw it and they wanted me to catch it. and they were just kicking it around the yard. I just thought, I'm not even bothered. I never wore it. Yeah, no, same.

James Buckley 0:12:04 School's awful, innit? Yeah. School is relentless. Unless you were William, who loved school.

Jordan 0:12:09 I did love school.

James Buckley 0:12:10 Where did you go to school, William?

William 0:12:12 I went to school in Bristol.

James Buckley 0:12:13 Was it boarding or something like that?

William 0:12:15 We call them in the independent sector, but yes, I was, uh, I went to an independent school.

James Buckley 0:12:20 Right.

Jordan 0:12:21 You're fascinated by William a bit, aren't you?

James Buckley 0:12:23 Well, because I'm just common as muck. I'm just really—

William 0:12:25 No, don't be silly.

James Buckley 0:12:26 I do think, uh, I do appreciate manners and things like that. Good. Making people feel comfortable and Uh, but I am— I nearly wore a boating blazer today.

William 0:12:35 Oh, did you?

James Buckley 0:12:35 And, and some loafers. And I just thought—

William 0:12:38 And what socks?

James Buckley 0:12:38 You're trying too hard, James. Relax. I'm sure he'll like you regardless.

William 0:12:42 Man is not about trying to make everyone sort of the same. We want you to be your authentic self.

James Buckley 0:12:46 Absolutely, yeah.

William 0:12:47 Yeah. And that, that's what we've got.

Speaker S 0:12:49 You can just say as well, look, oh, this is like my— look, that's the best album, my favourite ever album.

William 0:12:54 The Arctic Monkeys album.

James Buckley 0:12:55 Great album. I've got all these films here.

William 0:12:57 Why have you got S Club 7? I mean, I like S Club 7, don't get me wrong, but—

Joe Thomas 0:13:00 We were going for a sort of Um, '90s, like, you know.

James Buckley 0:13:05 We wanted this to look like a '90s bedroom.

Jordan 0:13:07 Yeah, it does.

James Buckley 0:13:09 That was maybe on a sitcom or something, you know, when you— yeah, you won't know, but when you grew up watching television.

Jordan 0:13:15 Yes, my family time.

James Buckley 0:13:16 You'd watch something like Saved by the Bell or something like that, and you go, God, I'd wish I had his bedroom, he's so cool, he's got everything.

William 0:13:22 I always used to think that about Hyacinth and Richard's bedroom in Keeping Up Appearances, right, with the floral wallpaper, and that's influenced my life.

Jordan 0:13:29 And that's good, that's good too. He's got that.

William 0:13:31 I've basically got that sofa. He actually has got their sofa.

Jordan 0:13:34 No. Yeah.

Joe Thomas 0:13:35 Well, that's a nice bedroom as well. Yes. And, um, but yeah, that's what we've— so I think I'm still kind of— I think I'm still kind of in that era in my head, and I'm just sort of, yeah, every day surprised that it's not stayed exactly the same. And that's pretty much my perennial reaction.

William 0:13:53 The '90s were a great era. They were a great era.

Speaker T 0:13:55 It was a good time to be a kid.

James Buckley 0:13:57 It was great.

Speaker T 0:13:57 Yeah, yeah.

Joe Thomas 0:13:59 Good entertainment, but not too much of—

William 0:14:04 Only 4 channels.

Joe Thomas 0:14:05 Only 4 channels and, um—

James Buckley 0:14:06 There was 5 towards the end, weren't there?

Jordan 0:14:08 Never got it where I was.

James Buckley 0:14:09 Yeah, for some people it was just—

Jordan 0:14:11 Got it at my grandma's and she thought it was mucky.

James Buckley 0:14:12 It was just Fox.

Jordan 0:14:13 They used to show soft porn, do you remember?

James Buckley 0:14:15 Yeah.

William 0:14:16 Eurotrash.

Jordan 0:14:17 No, they used to show like soft porn. No, that was Channel 4 and Eurotrash.

James Buckley 0:14:19 Eurotrash was— I once, um, I was staying at my nan's house and we were watching Channel 5 and she fell asleep in the evening, and then it cut to like, and coming up next is the, our erotic drama for the evening. And she was asleep, and I was just looking at this television going, oh God, some boobs and stuff going on. I just ran out the room. I just left the room. I thought I'd go to bed.

William 0:14:45 And you were how old? 16?

James Buckley 0:14:47 I was, uh, no, I was about 17, 18. Okay, fine. I was staying there for a week. I was working in— she was lived in Croydon, I was working there for a week, so I stayed with my nan. And I was just having a lovely evening with her, and then she nodded off while we were watching the television, and then all the rules changed. Wow.

William 0:15:06 Yeah.

James Buckley 0:15:06 And I was like, I've gotta get out of here. I've gotta leave this situation as quickly as possible. Well, you— She had the remote as well. She had the remote, which was the problem.

Joe Thomas 0:15:15 Oh, was it like when the jailer's asleep on the keys?

James Buckley 0:15:18 It was a bit like that. I was like, I've gotta make my escape now. Lift up the arm.

Joe Thomas 0:15:23 You know, to get— so you just ran out. We were talking before you guys came about how James once leapt out the window of a moving train as well. So he— you're very— in terms of fight or flight, you're very much flight.

James Buckley 0:15:31 Yeah, I'm just— yeah, absolutely. Just get out of there. Just go. If I can just— if I had an ejector seat, um, in social situations, I would just press that button sometimes. Yeah. I'm not— I can't cope with this. I'm actually—

Joe Thomas 0:15:43 I'm actually quite impressed by— so it was when they had those windows in the trains that you pull down like that.

William 0:15:47 Oh yeah.

Joe Thomas 0:15:48 And he'd missed his station or something? He was going the wrong way?

James Buckley 0:15:51 It was a fast train.

William 0:15:53 So you jumped out? The train was still adjacent to the platform, presumably?

James Buckley 0:15:55 No, it was going past the platform that I needed to get off at. And I'd accidentally got on a fast train that was skipping certain stations. I was like, I'm not going all the way, I'm not finishing up there to come all the way back again. So I just chucked my bag out and rolled out the train.

Jordan 0:16:13 And onto the platform?

James Buckley 0:16:14 Yeah, it must have been going about— How fast was the train going? It must have been going about 40 miles an hour.

William 0:16:17 We don't encourage that at home.

James Buckley 0:16:20 absolutely nuts now. Like, I really did, um, like graze all my back and stuff. Yeah, because I rolled out.

Joe Thomas 0:16:26 Do you feel a bit shortchanged, Jordan? Because he did that and didn't hurt himself at all, whereas you just went to put your bike back.

Jordan 0:16:30 You just seem to have went deaf in one ear. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker I 0:16:34 I quite like your story.

James Buckley 0:16:35 Also, what's the lesson there as well?

Speaker I 0:16:36 In your story, I feel like you've sort of vaguely blamed your mum a bit.

Joe Thomas 0:16:40 I feel like if she hadn't made me put my bike in the shed—

Speaker I 0:16:42 but it wasn't that that caused it, was it? Like, unless it was—

James Buckley 0:16:46 Because I'll be like, well, lesson learnt. I'm not fucking putting me bike back or anything. Do you have a really loud bell?

Joe Thomas 0:16:52 And your jocks went ding?

Jordan 0:16:53 I honestly don't know. I just remember it popping, like being on an aeroplane and thinking, that's weird, 'cause the altitude can't change in a shed.

William 0:17:01 I think they should make a film of it. Of me? And we could call it Deaf Became Huff.

Jordan 0:17:10 That's very good, actually.

William 0:17:13 Deaf became Huff. It's on many levels.

James Buckley 0:17:16 Yeah. What are we doing? Yeah, what are we doing?

William 0:17:18 Let us know when we start recording.

Jordan 0:17:20 We've got a factoid as well.

James Buckley 0:17:21 We should maybe say welcome. What, what show is this? This is your show. This is our show. Right, because this is bizarre, this situation.

Jordan 0:17:28 Because I've started listening. So you know Chris Stark, who I do the Radio Wave? No. You— he said to me today, say hello, apparently you work together on some games console thing. He was like, he was like, oh, it's really good, their podcast. Of what? He went, and as well, he went, of all the podcasts pass out at the moment. I don't give a crap about any, but there's his real— I want you on them.

James Buckley 0:17:50 Oh, Chrissy boy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Joe Thomas 0:17:54 Do you remember when you developed that console with him and you were just going on and on about it?

James Buckley 0:17:58 I feel like I'd remember something like that.

Jordan 0:18:00 You did some— I think it might have been Sony, and you met— it would have been on Radio 1.

Joe Thomas 0:18:05 You developed PlayStation 6, didn't you?

James Buckley 0:18:07 That's right, yeah.

Jordan 0:18:08 He would have been on Radio 1.

Speaker U 0:18:09 What's his name? Chris Stark.

Jordan 0:18:12 Crouchy does the Crouchy Podcast. Right. Did that really viral interview with Mila Kunis years ago that changed how junkets are done now. He was on Radio 1 for years. He's like, he's pretty, you know, it's—

James Buckley 0:18:26 How long did I spend with this guy?

Jordan 0:18:27 Probably a full day filming.

James Buckley 0:18:29 Right.

Jordan 0:18:30 But he said, yeah. Anyway, he—

James Buckley 0:18:32 I don't remember him, but he sounds like a great guy.

Jordan 0:18:34 Oh, he's a good guy.

William 0:18:36 Yeah.

Jordan 0:18:36 He is.

William 0:18:37 And what was he saying?

Jordan 0:18:38 Just said that— Say hello. Say hello, and I really like the podcast. And that's why it's a bit mad that this worked, 'cause obviously— Well, he's unsubscribed now.

James Buckley 0:18:46 No, just tell him I said who.

William 0:18:48 Okay.

Jordan 0:18:52 And audio always make Hell by Sex and My Boss and your podcast as well.

James Buckley 0:18:57 Yeah.

Jordan 0:18:57 Yeah. So, and that's— and I've been saying, can we do a collab? Because we often do collabs with other podcasts.

James Buckley 0:19:02 Right.

Jordan 0:19:02 Is this your first one?

James Buckley 0:19:03 Yeah.

Jordan 0:19:03 We can tell.

James Buckley 0:19:04 Well, this is it, right? We don't, don't do guests, do we?

Jordan 0:19:09 No, we don't. But we every now and then— we don't do guests, but every now and then we'll collab with people that we've got other podcasts, and it's good. So maybe now some of our listeners might start listening to you, and that's how it also— well, your listeners.

James Buckley 0:19:22 Yeah, yeah, we should benefit more than you guys. Like, we know why we're here.

Jordan 0:19:28 So crack on as normal.

James Buckley 0:19:32 It's a bit lopsided, I'll be honest with you, the benefits, but, uh, we appreciate it.

Jordan 0:19:36 Oh, thank you.

Joe Thomas 0:19:37 And also, I mean, the reason we appear confused is that we are still not really au fait with our format, are we?

James Buckley 0:19:44 No, yeah, we don't know what this podcast is.

Joe Thomas 0:19:46 Our podcast's supposed to be about facts. Yeah, sometimes we do them. We sometimes do them, sometimes James forgets.

James Buckley 0:19:51 And because, you know, you're not allowed to, um, just go, oh, because my— I said to you, oh, we should do a podcast together. Yeah, I'm sure someone will make it, it'll be fine. Yeah, it's a no-brainer.

Speaker I 0:20:02 You have to have a format.

William 0:20:03 And I was like, no-brainer is how they describe this.

Speaker U 0:20:05 Yeah.

James Buckley 0:20:07 There's still, there's no brain involved at all with the making of this podcast. Yeah.

Joe Thomas 0:20:11 The brain gets in the way really, I think, of—

James Buckley 0:20:13 But you have to have a format, don't you? You're not allowed to— we touched hands, sorry.

Speaker P 0:20:18 You have to have a format.

James Buckley 0:20:19 You can't just say, oh, me and Joel just make each other laugh for an hour. There's gotta be like a sort of like, well, there needs to be some sort of idea. And I went, well, all right, we'll tell each other a fact.

William 0:20:31 Don't worry too much about the format. Well, we haven't.

James Buckley 0:20:33 We haven't, we haven't spent any time on the format.

Jordan 0:20:35 We've done prep, we've got facts, we've— Have you?

Speaker V 0:20:38 Yeah.

James Buckley 0:20:39 Is that true?

Jordan 0:20:40 Yeah, we've done our favourite comedy— You're working too hard.

James Buckley 0:20:43 Well, that's the difference really between a successful podcast and our one, I suppose.

Speaker I 0:20:48 I have started reading—

James Buckley 0:20:49 How much thought do you put into this podcast during the week, just out of interest?

Speaker I 0:20:51 Well, I—

James Buckley 0:20:53 You're lying.

Joe Thomas 0:20:54 No, I, I listen. I do listen back to—

Jordan 0:20:57 Oh, do you listen back? I listen, I listen back. That'll stop.

James Buckley 0:21:00 I told you not to listen to it.

William 0:21:02 He skips through your bits.

James Buckley 0:21:04 Because you start panicking.

Speaker I 0:21:06 I listen back and I go, oh, did I make it sound like some t-shirts are better than other t-shirts?

James Buckley 0:21:12 Yeah.

Speaker I 0:21:13 And I go to Hannah and she goes—

James Buckley 0:21:15 All those people that like those t-shirts, and they're gonna come after me.

Joe Thomas 0:21:17 And I go to Hannah and she's like—

James Buckley 0:21:19 Stop listening to it.

Joe Thomas 0:21:19 You're mental. And stop talking to me.

James Buckley 0:21:24 And— Stop talking to me is good.

Joe Thomas 0:21:25 Well, it's not stop talking to me. I think it's like, stop talking to me if it's this sort of shit.

William 0:21:29 The time to worry is when you have entire chats with your production team in WhatsApp groups as to whether you think you're going to be sued by Daddy Pig, which potentially happened this week.

Jordan 0:21:38 I was genuinely—

William 0:21:39 That's when you should start to worry.

Jordan 0:21:40 My issue is, if it's usually fine on a podcast, when they clip it up and put it on social media, yeah, because people don't get the context, it's like a 30-second clip of it. So I'm like, I would say don't clip that up, or, and it's fine to keep in the episode. Yeah. So they've clipped up a bit this week of me saying Daddy Pig is known for being a bit misogynistic, and like genuine chat in our group was, will we get sued by the makers of this? We won't.

James Buckley 0:22:02 Will I get sued? Um, got any facts?

Jordan 0:22:05 My fact that I like to tell people, but forgive me if you've known it, but it always blows people's minds. Do you know why soap operas are called soap operas?

James Buckley 0:22:13 I do actually, yeah.

Jordan 0:22:14 I don't know why.

William 0:22:15 And there might be listeners listening that—

Jordan 0:22:18 There might be listeners listening that don't know. A degree in media studies gets you. Can I take a guess? Go on.

Joe Thomas 0:22:24 But this is probably wrong. Is it an acronym?

Jordan 0:22:25 No.

Joe Thomas 0:22:26 No? Okay, that's all I had.

Jordan 0:22:27 It's because when they started in the '50s in American television. Yeah, uh, they run in the daytime. A lot of housewives watched them, and they were predominantly sponsored by soap powders. Oh, so they were nicknamed in a tabloid as soap operas.

Speaker W 0:22:42 Soap operas.

Jordan 0:22:43 So that's why I tell people that. It's usually northern women of a certain age that find that fascinating.

James Buckley 0:22:48 Isn't there another thing about— what is it called? Is it kitchen sink drama or something like that?

Jordan 0:22:53 Yeah, well, it's very in the '80s, like Rita Sue and Bob Too and that.

James Buckley 0:22:56 Is that the same sort of thing?

Joe Thomas 0:22:57 I think kitchen sink drama was meant to be like drama was seen as very sort of highfalutin and all about dinner parties and stuff. And so then you had like a new wave of writers. Pinter. Yeah. And it was more like, actually, life's about, you know, being in a crummy boarding house and like there not being any milk and like there's a draft and that sort of thing. And like that, I think that's kitchen sink. I feel like kitchen sink is a bit, um, is it sort of mildly derogatory if you say something's a bit kitchen sink? You're like, oh, it's just a bit like you're just kind of putting in stuff to make it seem Hard-edged and—

Jordan 0:23:34 Another one, don't quote me on this because I didn't have time to Google it. That's fine. But you know why we go on a chat show or a radio show? To plug something. Yeah.

James Buckley 0:23:43 Plug the phrase to plug something. Yeah. Yeah, no, don't know.

Jordan 0:23:46 Because, you know, the old, um, again, I might have to check this, but you know, the old—

James Buckley 0:23:53 No, we never check anything.

Jordan 0:23:54 Pirate radio stations, they were on ships, and one, the owner of that show—

James Buckley 0:23:58 Radio Caroline or something.

Jordan 0:23:59 It was called Captain Plug or something.

James Buckley 0:24:01 Right.

Jordan 0:24:01 And that was his surname, and that's when 'Cause it was all BBC then, so you could go on to promote stuff, so you could plug it, apparently. Oh, I see. And I think he got money from it in some way.

Joe Thomas 0:24:10 Whereas on the BBC you couldn't. Yeah. Because you can't advertise on the BBC. Yeah, so I think it's called plugging.

Jordan 0:24:15 Yeah. Ah, okay. That's where I think it comes from.

James Buckley 0:24:18 I'd like to do a bit of plugging.

Jordan 0:24:19 William?

William 0:24:21 My fact is that a tablecloth for a buffet must touch the floor, whereas for a dinner, it needs to be off the floor.

James Buckley 0:24:27 Right.

William 0:24:28 Is that true?

James Buckley 0:24:29 I didn't know that. I didn't know that. All I know is that— My tablecloths have to not come off the table at all whatsoever. Right. Because my dog will grab it.

William 0:24:39 Ugh. Okay. Then I suggest you don't do buffets. No.

Joe Thomas 0:24:42 And if you do do buffets, don't put doggy treats and so on.

Jordan 0:24:47 Why does it have to touch the food on the buffet?

William 0:24:49 So you don't see any of the table legs, 'cause you wouldn't have chairs or anything. 'Cause a buffet, you wouldn't have chairs.

Jordan 0:24:54 Oh, yeah. Oh, of course.

Joe Thomas 0:24:55 Okay.

Jordan 0:24:56 There you go.

William 0:24:57 Would be, I suspect, just the logic. I mean, so what—

James Buckley 0:25:00 Are you impressed with that, boys? No idea.

William 0:25:03 How many tablecloth facts do you normally do on this podcast?

Speaker X 0:25:06 Um, we— That's our first.

James Buckley 0:25:08 Yeah, that's our first tablecloth fact, but I would like to expand on it a little bit. I've still got questions.

Joe Thomas 0:25:12 I could see us— we— I— we— I—

James Buckley 0:25:14 because I like the— I like the history of these, um, you know, these sort of things that you do.

Jordan 0:25:20 Yes.

James Buckley 0:25:20 Maybe they don't make sense now.

Jordan 0:25:22 Come to the right man.

James Buckley 0:25:22 So what, what was the— what, what is it about the, the legs of a Well, the Victorian—

William 0:25:28 it's probably a rule that was created in the Victorian era because the Victorians were quite sort of prudish.

James Buckley 0:25:33 They used to cut—

William 0:25:34 they used to put skirts around pianos, grand pianos, because they thought that piano legs were a bit erotic.

James Buckley 0:25:38 A bit too sexy.

William 0:25:39 Yeah. So they would cover them up. They are sexy though.

James Buckley 0:25:43 I'm always Googling piano legs.

Speaker Y 0:25:44 Yeah. Yeah.

James Buckley 0:25:47 I must sneak off to the toilet. Oh, it's embarrassing when the history comes up, isn't it? Just dialled Steinway. I was gonna say Yamaha. Yamaha.

William 0:25:57 Do you have an upright at home?

James Buckley 0:25:58 Uh, I used to, uh, I did used to have an upright. Yeah, I used to, um, I had an old church piano.

William 0:26:04 Oh, okay.

James Buckley 0:26:05 It's quite posh. It cost, uh, because I like music and stuff like that and instruments and things, and I was obsessed with playing guitar and all sorts of instruments, and I asked my parents for a piano, and I didn't want a keyboard, I wanted an actual stringed piano so I could use the pedals and stuff like that.

William 0:26:23 Yeah.

James Buckley 0:26:24 Um, and they managed to find one that a church was selling for £200.

Jordan 0:26:27 Fair play.

James Buckley 0:26:28 I had to go and get it with Ferg, my mate Ferg. And, um, we, we turned up in a Hilux, Toyota Hilux pickup truck.

Speaker I 0:26:40 Oh yeah.

James Buckley 0:26:41 And the bloke went to us, oh, have you got a piano truck? And he went, uh, yeah, truck's outside. Right. And he meant like a sort of something that you put the piano on wheels so you could wheel it to the— Oh, that.

Speaker Z 0:26:53 Yes. But we didn't have that.

James Buckley 0:26:54 We had to like move it ourselves. It was a pain in the arse. Good present.

Speaker AA 0:26:59 I was like, thanks for that.

Joe Thomas 0:27:00 My mum once got me a sweatshirt.

James Buckley 0:27:03 Yeah.

Joe Thomas 0:27:04 And it still had like the tag, you know, that big, the hard rigid plastic. Security tag.

Speaker AB 0:27:08 Yeah, flying saucer shaped.

Joe Thomas 0:27:09 And she was like, I did pay for it, but they just didn't take this off. And I was like, well, That's gonna be very uncomfortable.

Speaker I 0:27:15 I don't know what to do. I had to like cut it out.

James Buckley 0:27:19 They burst, don't they?

Jordan 0:27:20 Yeah, I always got turned-takings. Well, no, not ink.

James Buckley 0:27:22 They get like ink coming out.

Joe Thomas 0:27:23 Well, they don't burst if you cut a sufficiently large piece of fabric away with it.

James Buckley 0:27:27 Right.

Joe Thomas 0:27:27 Which is what I did. So now I was like, I've just got a sweatshirt with a massive hole in the back of the collar.

James Buckley 0:27:33 Yeah. Thanks, Mum. Thanks. I'm usually way more structured than you. I'm usually trying to keep Joe, but I'm just— Well… It honestly feels like the last day of school for me at the moment. I've just gotten a bit too excited. This could be the last episode.

William 0:27:45 episode of your podcast because Jordan's been on it, and we have a recurring joke that anything Jordan does, it normally ends.

Jordan 0:27:53 I, I've hosted TV shows and they all—

William 0:27:56 They don't normally go past series 1.

Jordan 0:27:57 Never go past series 1. All the pilots. I was on Saturday Night Takeaway. The year I was on, they stopped doing it.

James Buckley 0:28:01 Right.

Jordan 0:28:02 Down the Deck.

James Buckley 0:28:02 I've got— I had a— before The Inbetweeners, I had a bit of a track record of that. Yeah. I was constantly doing pilots that never got made.

Jordan 0:28:08 Yeah.

James Buckley 0:28:09 Um, I was in, I was in the last series of a TV show called Teachers on Channel 4. Oh yeah. Which was genuinely a really, really successful TV show. show. Uh, and yeah, I, I went on it one series and they were like, right, that's the end of that then.

Joe Thomas 0:28:23 I think I might have ruined the British Comedy Awards.

James Buckley 0:28:26 When?

Joe Thomas 0:28:27 So I had to present an award once and they were like, just before, this award is sponsored, um, by a charity for people who've got cystic fibrosis.

James Buckley 0:28:37 Right.

Joe Thomas 0:28:38 And I went out—

James Buckley 0:28:39 You did a load of— No, no.

Joe Thomas 0:28:40 So what I was meant to go out and say, look, this is a really great Uh, charity. Like, there's loads of research into cystic fibrosis, and, um, so that's a great thing. And that would have been fine.

James Buckley 0:28:52 Yeah.

Joe Thomas 0:28:53 And instead I went out and I just forgot to say anything about cystic fibrosis. And the bloke went, here are the nominees for best stand-up. And they read out the nominees and he went, and the winner is— and I went, oh, fuck. I just very quickly— sorry, cystic fibrosis is a really, um, uh, life-changing condition, but there is a lot of hope we can do like genetic research into it. And, um, and the guy— and, and they were just— and then after that they said, and the winner is—

James Buckley 0:29:22 right?

Speaker AB 0:29:23 And he came up and he was really— he was genuinely angry with me. He wouldn't shake my hand.

Jordan 0:29:28 And who was it?

Joe Thomas 0:29:29 I can't remember, but I remember his, his, um, shtick upon coming up was very much, fucking hell. And then after that they didn't do the British Comedy Awards anymore. Showed his true colours.

James Buckley 0:29:38 I stopped going to awards. things.

Speaker I 0:29:40 I've stopped going as well. Do you know why?

William 0:29:41 You're not invited.

James Buckley 0:29:43 No, but I mean, even when we were like— even when, um, yeah, like the Empire Awards— I've stopped going to LA as well. I just stopped going. Back in the days where we were actually getting awards, um, I stopped going. I couldn't do it anymore. I think I went to one NTAs once years ago. I was just like, this is a weird situation. They're boring. This is all—

Jordan 0:30:02 Have you been to the Podcast Awards yet?

James Buckley 0:30:03 No, we've not. No, we're not gonna say yes.

Jordan 0:30:05 You've got to come.

Speaker AC 0:30:08 No, not yet.

James Buckley 0:30:09 There's about 40 awards. We might present.

Jordan 0:30:11 Yeah, no, you'll get asked, trust me.

James Buckley 0:30:14 You might present, but we're not gonna, uh, yeah, we're not gonna be going out going, who's this guy?

Joe Thomas 0:30:19 I also won't be asked to present because I fucked that up as well.

James Buckley 0:30:25 They'd be lucky. They'd be lucky to have us present. They'd be lucky to have me.

Speaker I 0:30:27 And it would take us about 4 hours. I'm so sorry.

Joe Thomas 0:30:29 I'm so sorry for trying to help people who live with cystic fibrosis. Sorry.

James Buckley 0:30:35 Yeah, gagged.

Joe Thomas 0:30:38 Gagged.

Jordan 0:30:38 What year was that?

James Buckley 0:30:39 Yeah, that's what I want to know as well.

Joe Thomas 0:30:41 2015 or something. Okay. It was, but it was, um, but I, I think I was responsible for like, that was the death knell for it. Like, I was already getting a bit shit and then they were like, well, not after this. This is, this is embarrassing. And so I, yeah, I think I can actually posit causality there. It wasn't just a coincidence. It was like, not now.

William 0:31:05 I don't know if we should invite you onto Sexton now.

Joe Thomas 0:31:08 Yeah, well, no, because I've—

James Buckley 0:31:10 It's a genuine— yeah, no, no, it's a concern. Yeah, I would— You and Jordan.

Joe Thomas 0:31:15 Okay. Oh my God, yeah. Yeah, it could be calamity twins.

Jordan 0:31:20 What has to have been going on?

James Buckley 0:31:21 You do live stuff a lot, right? You're on the radio, that's live and everything.

Jordan 0:31:25 Yeah, yeah, every month, yeah.

James Buckley 0:31:26 That's terrifying.

William 0:31:26 There's a slight delay, but it's fine. No, there isn't.

James Buckley 0:31:28 Do you have a dump button?

Jordan 0:31:29 Yeah, just for callers, just in case.

James Buckley 0:31:31 Yeah.

Jordan 0:31:33 Just because you never ever know what they're gonna say.

William 0:31:35 Now, would you like to come to our studio, which is literally just opposite? Yeah. And come on to help us Sex with My Boss?

James Buckley 0:31:42 Really? Yeah.

William 0:31:43 We would be honoured.

Jordan 0:31:44 We get a lot of like dilemmas and filthy emails and stuff, so we think you'd be good at that.

James Buckley 0:31:50 Yeah.

Speaker AD 0:31:50 Do you— if you still want us to come on, then we'd be honoured.

Speaker AE 0:31:54 Yeah. I don't know whether necessarily—

Jordan 0:31:57 Just to let you know, our most famous dilemma is a girl was house sitting for her parents. She got drunk one night, found a dildo under the bed, started using it, was giving her the best pleasure of her life all week. Sure. And then she found out it was cloned to her dad's penis.

William 0:32:12 It was what is called a clone-a-willy, which is a thing.

Jordan 0:32:15 And she found out the best orgasm was, was from her. So there you go, that's the sort of thing we get.

James Buckley 0:32:21 So sneeze, it was so salacious.

Speaker AF 0:32:24 Why did you So that's—

William 0:32:27 I mean, why is she using him as a sex toy?

Speaker AF 0:32:28 Yeah, in a way, I'd—

James Buckley 0:32:30 Yeah, there's loads of questions there. It's Freudian.

Speaker K 0:32:32 Oh my goodness. Well, after the break, we can have more of that.

Joe Thomas 0:32:34 Oh, I'm so sorry, Sabrina.

William 0:32:36 I'm sorry, I was saying, well, after the break, we can have more of that. There we go, structured.

Jordan 0:35:39 Welcome back. Now it's time for Joe and James from Fact Up to experience Help I Sexed My Boss with questions and dilemmas from our G&D-vas. And we've moved studio, haven't we?

William 0:35:53 We have, yes. You won't get that if you're listening, but if you're watching on any of the visual platforms, you will see that we've gone from blue to red, uh, much like the country.

Jordan 0:36:02 We would like to give you our signature drink. We always start ours with— I know you've got a bottle of Stella with you, James. This will pair beautifully. Have you ever had—

Joe Thomas 0:36:09 do you drink Uh, well, I can have it. Yeah, I have one.

Jordan 0:36:13 Okay. All right. Okay. It's called—

William 0:36:14 It's not very alcoholic. What is Dubonnet?

Jordan 0:36:17 It's gin and Dubonnet. Um, it's often known as the Queen Mother. It's the Queen Mother's favourite drink.

Speaker AI 0:36:22 Oh yeah.

Jordan 0:36:23 Um, yeah, but Dubonnet's like—

William 0:36:25 it's a fortified wine, isn't it? Yes, it's like a— it was just because you fingered that ice cube, dropped it back in, realised you should have used tongs. You've already touched it.

Speaker AJ 0:36:32 Well, that's right.

Speaker AK 0:36:34 I love that one then.

Speaker AL 0:36:35 Yeah, it's touched both.

William 0:36:35 Indeed. Yeah. Yeah. Dubai is like a port. It's a fortified red wine, but it's lighter than port. It's not as heavy. Okay. It's a secret recipe. We don't know it. Look at John's face. And it is a— it's a hearty drink.

Joe Thomas 0:36:50 Yeah, no, it gets you pissed.

James Buckley 0:36:51 Is it sweet? Is it a sweet vibe? It can be, yeah. Like a sort of sherry sort of—

Speaker AM 0:36:54 Yeah, it's a sherry-ish vibe, but it gets you like a giddy girly drunk. Do you get what I mean?

James Buckley 0:37:00 That's fine. That's good, because we've got an episode of our podcast to shoot straight after this. Oh, we have, haven't we?

Speaker AN 0:37:04 Yeah. No, that'll be fine. That'll be fine. It's gonna be great.

William 0:37:07 Normally you have it with slice of lemon or orange. Yes. That's not been provided.

Speaker AO 0:37:11 That's okay, it doesn't matter, it's fine. But I want you to imagine it.

Jordan 0:37:14 I'm free pouring as well.

William 0:37:15 It's normally 2 parts Trebonnet, 1 part gin.

Speaker L 0:37:18 Oh, 2?

Jordan 0:37:18 I do 2 and 2.

Joe Thomas 0:37:19 That's right, which is— yeah. I think I have a feeling the Queen Mum, you know—

William 0:37:23 She lived 101, so—

Speaker AO 0:37:25 She was doing a 2 and 2, wasn't she? I mean— Yes.

Jordan 0:37:27 Yeah. That should do. Have a sip of that gin. Honestly, thanks so much for doing this, because like I said, I was I'm a big fan of the in-betweeners.

James Buckley 0:37:36 Yeah, bloody hell. Yeah, all right. Yeah, no, that's nice. Is that the stuff? Yeah, it's like, um—

Jordan 0:37:41 It's good. It's a good garden drink.

James Buckley 0:37:42 That's lovely.

William 0:37:46 There we go. Oh, I'm so glad you like it. Cheers, boys.

James Buckley 0:37:49 Cheers.

William 0:37:50 Cheers.

James Buckley 0:37:50 Yes.

Speaker AP 0:37:51 Oh, don't clink. Don't clink. It's common.

William 0:37:55 Is that right? You might get away with that.

James Buckley 0:37:56 No, it's to make sure that we're all trustworthy and that we're not—

William 0:37:59 Well, it was. Yes, well done. Yes. But we are.

Speaker AQ 0:38:02 I'll cheers you.

James Buckley 0:38:03 Cheers.

Speaker P 0:38:05 That's so nice to actually cheers.

Speaker AR 0:38:07 He won't. We just—

William 0:38:09 We didn't know that. No, it's in my contract. Aww. They have to pay me extra if I clink.

James Buckley 0:38:14 That's really nice.

Jordan 0:38:15 We appreciate this, and welcome to our new studio that all our listeners hate.

Joe Thomas 0:38:18 Why do they hate it?

Jordan 0:38:21 'Cause nobody likes change, and we decided we needed a new—

Joe Thomas 0:38:25 Well, you have to get them used to change.

Jordan 0:38:27 I know.

Joe Thomas 0:38:27 You know, the world's going to change.

James Buckley 0:38:29 People can actually—

Jordan 0:38:31 yeah, these are all our favourite things here. That's my dead dog Frank.

Speaker AS 0:38:34 Yeah.

Jordan 0:38:34 That's Burnley there.

Speaker AS 0:38:36 Yeah. Ralph is ace.

Jordan 0:38:37 Yeah. I feel like, you know, when your mate comes to you, you want to be mates with someone at school and you invite them around to your house and you show them your bedroom for the first time.

Speaker T 0:38:44 Yeah.

Jordan 0:38:46 Yeah, it's my fish tank.

James Buckley 0:38:46 I used to make a joke like when I was like sort of 19, 20 or something like that. Yeah. Like way too old. I used to get like, if I go around my mates, I go, right, where's your toys?

Speaker AT 0:38:56 Where's all your stuff?

James Buckley 0:38:58 Where's all your stuff?

Speaker AT 0:38:58 That's sweet.

James Buckley 0:38:59 Just a little jacket. That's what I thought.

William 0:39:01 It's nice.

Speaker AL 0:39:01 So I'm showing them around.

William 0:39:02 I would have friends around to my bedroom and show them something I liked as well.

Jordan 0:39:06 I bet you did in yours.

William 0:39:08 Which was my BB gun.

James Buckley 0:39:09 Also, wasn't one of the toys that you were telling me about earlier, about that girl that fell in love with her—

Speaker V 0:39:14 Oh, we've got one of them Clone Willys. There should be one of those.

Joe Thomas 0:39:17 Oh yeah, actually I did. Where is it? It's outside. I saw it on the way in. Oh yeah, it's on the way in.

Jordan 0:39:21 So you can take that home if you want because we actually got loads sent in. If you want to clone your penis.

James Buckley 0:39:25 Penis?

Jordan 0:39:27 Uh, yeah, apparently it's— we've had a few listeners use it because basically they sent them in after that, right, went viral. Apparently a lot of listeners said it's quite hard to stay erect for the— for that long, so you've got to keep it into the end.

James Buckley 0:39:40 We could probably just use one kit between us as well.

Speaker AU 0:39:43 Yeah, yeah, it would be.

Joe Thomas 0:39:44 Yeah, I'll do the bottom half and you do the end.

Jordan 0:39:48 Yeah, but we— the reason why we're doing this—

Joe Thomas 0:39:51 Because that does confuse me, because it is— sorry, Jordan, I just— I Apologies. I'm— that guy must have a great penis.

Speaker I 0:39:58 That's all I'm thinking. I mean, what have I— My dad. I don't, I don't know where Hannah has them.

William 0:40:02 I'm trying to get the address.

Speaker I 0:40:03 I don't know whether Hannah has one of these, but I very much doubt it would be a clone of my penis because I have a, like, level up, for God's sake. I mean, do you know what I mean?

James Buckley 0:40:11 Who's using all of that?

Speaker AV 0:40:13 That's mental.

William 0:40:13 That's a glow-in-the-dark one as well.

James Buckley 0:40:15 That's ridiculous.

Jordan 0:40:16 This is ridiculous.

Speaker AN 0:40:17 This stuff is just put out to make men feel bad. Like, look at That's ludicrous.

James Buckley 0:40:21 I feel terrible now. Sorry, Claire. That's my wife. I won't need all of that.

Speaker AW 0:40:28 That's mad. No, honestly. We could make 2.

James Buckley 0:40:31 Absolutely.

William 0:40:31 They also do, as we discovered, they do clone a pussy.

James Buckley 0:40:35 Right. That seems invasive.

William 0:40:38 Well, it's a different technique, I'm told. How did they do that? I don't— well, I don't know. I'm not gonna find out.

James Buckley 0:40:43 Thank you. I don't know.

William 0:40:44 Not much need.

Jordan 0:40:47 Um, hey, we'll leave that one with you. Yeah, we'll leave it with you.

William 0:40:50 When we see you in a few weeks in the studio, when we cross corridors, let us know how you got on.

James Buckley 0:40:55 Yeah, will do.

William 0:40:55 Should we go on to the dilemmas? We, by the way, have no idea what is coming up. So whilst you might think that we prepare our podcast, we don't prepare this bit.

Joe Thomas 0:41:03 No.

Jordan 0:41:03 So we read them for the first time. Yeah. And then react to them.

Joe Thomas 0:41:05 Well, I think I agree with that. I think you want the spontaneous reaction.

William 0:41:08 Exactly. You know, um, our first dilemma is from Chloe. Okay. Hi boys, I work in a secondary school and one morning I'm walking into work, coffee in hand, when I pass a group of Year 10 lads huddled together looking deeply suspicious. You know the look, the kind that screams, we are absolutely making terrible choices right now. But it was before work hours, and quite frankly, I wasn't being paid enough at 8 AM to investigate. Fast forward later that day when the gossip mill starts turning. Turns out one of these lads had let his mate shave his head in school. Not ideal. But wait, it gets worse. One artistic genius amongst them had shaved a full-on penis and balls into the back of his head. As the details unfolded, because secondary school drama always arrives in episodes, I discovered this wasn't even a prank gone wrong. No, he had apparently made £40 the ordeal because each of his mates had chipped in a fiver to convince him to do it.

Jordan 0:41:53 Makes you proud to be British. Brilliant.

Speaker I 0:41:54 £40. This is exactly the sort of entrepreneurial spirit that, um—

James Buckley 0:41:58 I don't know what it says about me, but I'm like, I'll do that now.

William 0:42:01 This is how Lord Sugar started.

Jordan 0:42:03 This wouldn't happen in any other country apart from Britain. I love it.

Speaker I 0:42:06 Yeah, I mean, what's the dilemma?

William 0:42:10 Well, Chloe continues, I found this significantly funnier than other members of staff seemed to. While colleagues were reacting with genuine concern, I was trying to maintain the professional composure required when faced with a child who had turned himself into a literal dickhead. So what is the etiquette here? How much sympathy are you expected to show when someone has willingly agreed to have a penis shaved into the back of their own head for less than the price of a family takeaway? Chloe.

Speaker AF 0:42:31 Oh, wow. Discuss.

James Buckley 0:42:34 Well, okay, I'm biassed. I always fall on the side of comedy. Yeah. I always think if something's funny, then it's worth doing. It was very much our ethos when we were doing The Inbetweeners.

Joe Thomas 0:42:46 I was thinking, I'm pretty sure money changed hands on The Inbetweeners for weird stuff to happen.

James Buckley 0:42:52 I'm not talking about what we got to. I was talking about—

Speaker T 0:42:55 We're not allowed to talk about it. No, we're not.

James Buckley 0:42:57 Um, there was some—

Speaker AX 0:42:59 no, I think, uh, it was good times and I don't know why we're not allowed to talk about it.

James Buckley 0:43:02 I think one is, I think one, it's funny.

Speaker AX 0:43:04 It's a genuine laugh and everyone ever wanted to do it and it's fine.

James Buckley 0:43:06 I think it's great that it's year 10s. That's a great age, 14, 15.

Joe Thomas 0:43:11 It's a great year, isn't it?

James Buckley 0:43:12 One of the boys thought, I could make 40 quid here, because he's had to go back to his parents as well and stuff like that. I think it's genius. I think it's genius.

William 0:43:21 I guess you could, I mean, if you've got a penis shaved into your head, at least with further pruning you can get rid of it quite quickly.

James Buckley 0:43:27 Yes. I'd commit to it, I'll be honest.

Joe Thomas 0:43:30 There should have been a contract saying, and also you're not to shave this off. You've got to keep this for a minute, otherwise we're getting our 40 quid back.

Jordan 0:43:38 Was it just in my school, but in the '90s, 2000s, a lot of lads had night ticks shaved into the back of their heads. Was that in my class? No, that was definitely not at my school. Yeah, no. Are you quite middle class?

William 0:43:48 We had the Gucci logos.

Jordan 0:43:49 No, that was quite— there was quite a few lads in my school.

James Buckley 0:43:53 I had girls with night tick on the side.

Jordan 0:43:55 Night tick, yeah, the shaved eyebrow and—

James Buckley 0:43:57 Blonde tips on the quiff.

Joe Thomas 0:44:01 Yeah, we had—

Speaker AN 0:44:02 I did have a quiff for a bit.

Jordan 0:44:04 I don't have the time to do the tips. Yeah, I had a quiff.

James Buckley 0:44:05 My mate's older brother, You know how the older brothers are always the coolest? Yeah, just like me. My mate's older brother, he had a blonde quiff, and I was like, wow, imagine that.

William 0:44:14 Right, Johnny Bravo.

James Buckley 0:44:15 It was a bit like that, but well, it was just the quiff. The rest of the hair—

Jordan 0:44:21 Oh, I see. Oh yeah, with the bald head. Yeah, that was, that was very much my brother at school. He was Northie, but I weren't allowed to be called Northie, right? And no one dared touch me because he was hard.

Speaker AY 0:44:30 Yeah, he's a paratrooper now, so he was hard enough to be, and I was proper soft.

Jordan 0:44:34 And then when he left in year 11, I got battered. for about 6 months for being a gobshite. So, that was very much like that. Can he drop in?

James Buckley 0:44:41 Can he just—

Jordan 0:44:41 He still does now, every now and then. Jump out the plane?

James Buckley 0:44:44 Yeah.

William 0:44:45 Okay, so I think, yeah, the— I mean, look, you find it funny, but you are being employed as a teacher. So, within your working hours, I would say you have to toe the party line. I mean, I don't know what—

James Buckley 0:44:54 My favourite teachers were the ones that seemed human. Same. My favourite teachers, the ones that reached me and sort of— I genuinely actually wanted to to sort of work for and cared about. Um, because sort of at the end of the day, the students, the way that they react, and, you know, that reflects on the old teacher there, doesn't it?

Speaker AZ 0:45:17 I liked the teachers who seemed—

James Buckley 0:45:18 So, the ones that seemed human, that were sort of like— Normal. The ones that were like, come on, don't do that. I know it's funny. You know it's funny. But we can't We can't do that. I was all like, sorry sir, sorry miss. Like, you know, so I think, um, I think she's, uh, in the right place. I think she's the makings of a, of a great teacher. One of the ones that will actually—

William 0:45:40 Maybe laugh about it in the staff room, but then outside—

James Buckley 0:45:43 Well, wasn't she saying that the staff room were being a bit— Yeah, but I think she can still laugh.

William 0:45:47 I mean, can this—

Speaker BA 0:45:48 should the lad be going around school with the cock and balls on the—

Joe Thomas 0:45:51 I don't think he really can, because I mean, also, I, I I don't know whether this is plausible, but would it encourage others? Do you know what I mean? Because after a while, if like 50% of your boys have got cock and balls in there, then that is going to start affecting Ofsted, I would have thought. That's not— they do, they probably look for that sort of thing. You might go down from outstanding to good.

Speaker AO 0:46:10 Do you know what I mean?

Joe Thomas 0:46:11 Yeah. Like, is it an outstanding school? It's good, but the 20% of the boys have cock and balls shaved to their head. Questionable haircuts. Yeah, so that would take you down, I think. I don't know what they look for in Ofsted, but they, they might—

William 0:46:23 I think it is now. They might look for that, mightn't they?

Speaker AO 0:46:25 Yeah, they might look for that.

Jordan 0:46:26 I think James, on to it though, Chloe, you should just carry on being that cool teacher. Be a bit like, hey, look, it's funny.

James Buckley 0:46:33 Yeah, it's funny, but I think you reach kids better. I think you do if you sort of— I agree. Be relatable.

Joe Thomas 0:46:39 I think be relatable. But I, I also think, I don't think he can be going around school with that.

Speaker BA 0:46:43 I just, it does, it's a big distraction.

James Buckley 0:46:46 I used to have insane teachers. I used to have one teacher that used to he would really get off on telling kids off. Yeah. And, uh, but he would do things like— kids are very— That's a very slow sentence, though. No, take that however you want. But, okay, you can, you know, you get— kids are going to be kids, right? They're going to muck about when they're at school. If you catch them, fair game. You know, if they're doing something a bit naughty in front of you, you go, come on, sort it out. detention, whatever. He used to, you used to be able to see him like pop his head around corners and stuff like that. He used to try and catch children doing something out, like out of the ordinary or whatever. Oh, yeah. He, there was, I don't know if this is true, but the story was at my school that he wanted to try and catch some kids that left school premises on break time. And he hid under a laurel lorry and got stuck, and the kids ran away.

Speaker AZ 0:47:47 Under a lorry?

James Buckley 0:47:49 Yeah, he crawled under a lorry to try and catch these kids out. I don't know if that's true. I mean— But it made sense for the type of person that he was.

Joe Thomas 0:48:00 We used to get told off at our school for things that I don't really even think were particularly bad. Like, there was We were told not to walk around town— their phrase was swinging a can, which is a can of Coke.

James Buckley 0:48:15 Right.

Joe Thomas 0:48:16 Like, don't walk around town swinging a can. And also, don't stand outside the school talking to the girls. They were like, don't talk to the girls. You're like, well—

James Buckley 0:48:24 You was at a boys' school. I was at a boys' school.

William 0:48:26 Wasn't a problem for me.

Joe Thomas 0:48:28 Well, it wasn't a problem for me either, because I was terrified of talking to the girls.

Speaker I 0:48:31 But I kind of thought, this is—

Joe Thomas 0:48:34 I feel like nowadays that's exactly the kind of thing we're trying to like, you know, encourage, like actually get boys and girls to talk to each other rather than the boys just looking at pornography. Like, but not, not in our case. Not allowed to talk to the girls.

William 0:48:46 But attitudes have changed.

Joe Thomas 0:48:47 I would have thought that now that they'd be more in favour of that, but we weren't.

Speaker BB 0:48:51 No. I don't know.

Jordan 0:48:53 All right, let's do another one. What have we got?

William 0:48:54 This is from Caitlin. Hello William and Jordan, I'm a long-time listener but first-time writer who has enjoyed the podcast for many years. My dilemma is regarding houseguests, a phenomenon which William may be unfamiliar with, but I'm hoping he can advise nonetheless. That's rude.

Jordan 0:49:07 You don't like— William doesn't like people staying over.

William 0:49:10 No, I do!

James Buckley 0:49:11 I don't like staying over at people's houses. I didn't have a guest bedroom for a bit, but—

William 0:49:14 You don't like staying at other people's houses? No. Well, fair enough.

James Buckley 0:49:17 Ever since I was a kid, I was like, I've got my own bed and I like to sleep there and it's comfy and I know where I'm at.

William 0:49:23 Caitlin continues, I live in a city around an hour away from where I grew up, the home of the world-famous black pudding. I'm sure Jordan knows where it is. Bury. Due to this, when family members come to see me, they often stay at my house. Now, this doesn't pose an issue as we have 2 spare rooms plus a dedicated executive guest bathroom.

Speaker BC 0:49:39 Executive. In Bury, someone's doing well.

William 0:49:42 My dilemma comes as the guest bathroom is home to the only bath in the house. Now, I love a bath, especially when it includes some lady petrol. Prosecco. And it's where I will usually spend my bliss hours. It is a place of relaxation for me. However, 2 separate family members have asked to use the bath whilst they are staying with us. Not wanting to be an inhospitable host, I have always agreed. However, I then find myself unable to move past the image of them stewing in my happy place in all their glory. There is something about the image that burns in my brain, and I find myself having to scrub the bath with bleach and disinfect several times before I can bathe again. So my dilemma is this: is it bad etiquette to request that guests don't use the bath whilst staying, or do I need to get over it and continue my bleaching routine? Thank you, Caitlin. You absolutely need to get over it, you weirdo.

Speaker BD 0:50:23 Is it bad? Yeah, I've used— It's a bath.

Speaker BE 0:50:26 It's a bath. Yeah.

Joe Thomas 0:50:27 Bath. I mean, I've heard somebody say like, I can't stay in hotels because I just think—

James Buckley 0:50:33 This is what I was gonna say. It's a bit of a rabbit hole.

Speaker I 0:50:35 All the people who have slept in that bed.

James Buckley 0:50:36 I'm like, well, yeah, I've been there in hotels and stuff, and I go, imagine what's gone on in this bed and I'm about to sleep in it. But they wash it and it's sort of— I know, so you have to, you have to let it go, otherwise you will drive yourself insane.

Jordan 0:50:49 Yeah, yeah.

James Buckley 0:50:50 So it's, uh, and they say the same to this lady.

Jordan 0:50:52 They hoover those beds often. They've got to— so that, that my aunt used to be a hotel cleaner, not even in a posh one, and they, they proper after, like, clean Some are a bit mucky.

Joe Thomas 0:51:04 Is the bath in the guest bed?

William 0:51:05 Yeah, in the guest bathroom that they can use.

Joe Thomas 0:51:07 So she's got a bath in the guest bathroom.

William 0:51:09 And she doesn't want guests to use it.

Joe Thomas 0:51:10 And she doesn't want guests to use the bath. I'd turn that bath off.

William 0:51:12 And she has the audacity to say a phenomenon William may be unfamiliar with. Oh.

Speaker BF 0:51:16 Don't be horrible.

Joe Thomas 0:51:17 No.

William 0:51:17 I'm not being horrible, I'm being direct.

Joe Thomas 0:51:19 I think it's almost like, yeah, once you start thinking about it, maybe it is a bit weird that other people are using your bath. Hide the plug. But I suppose, yeah, hide the plug.

Speaker BG 0:51:28 Hide the plug. Someone using my bath? I wouldn't mind it at all.

Jordan 0:51:31 Yeah, Caitlin, just give it a good bleach if it freaks you out.

James Buckley 0:51:33 you want to go a bit nuclear with it though, Caitlin, I would start making people feel uncomfortable when they stay. Just little subtle things.

William 0:51:42 Ask them not to use the bath.

James Buckley 0:51:43 Just subtly let them know that they're an inconvenience, and then you don't get any people staying at your house. Just little things like, just, just like, oh, if they want a cup of tea or something, just, just do that before.

William 0:51:58 Just little things.

Speaker BA 0:52:00 I don't really like to boil the kettle after 6 o'clock. Make them feel not wanted.

James Buckley 0:52:03 Don't vocalise anything. Don't ever say, I don't you staying here. I don't want you using my bath. Just make them feel that they're not welcome. Maybe, but they are.

Speaker AI 0:52:11 Yeah, go put the hot water on. Oh, it's fine. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. It's fine.

William 0:52:14 They ask for a cup of tea and you sign and you go, anything else?

James Buckley 0:52:18 Yeah, yeah, those things.

Speaker BE 0:52:19 Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's good. Make them feel— little pube on the soap.

James Buckley 0:52:21 Give them, give them the cold shoulder. Yeah. That's a Pilkington fact.

Joe Thomas 0:52:26 Oh yeah, see, if a guest wasn't wanted anymore, yeah, they'd be given the cold shoulder of me.

Speaker BA 0:52:34 It's just definitely not true. It's just— he's scrabbling around after nothing there.

Joe Thomas 0:52:37 But yeah, so I mean, or pube in the bath. You mentioned pubes.

Speaker AO 0:52:39 Pube in the bath, that'd do it, I imagine.

Jordan 0:52:42 They wouldn't want to bath again.

Speaker AO 0:52:43 No. Yeah. They'd never bathe in any bath.

Jordan 0:52:45 Boys, you're good at this.

Speaker BE 0:52:47 Good at this advice.

James Buckley 0:52:48 This is a little bit confusing. We've got time for one more.

William 0:52:49 We do have time for one more. This is from an anonymous listener. Oh, right. Okay. Hello boys, I work for the ambulance service, and as you can imagine, we interact with a wide variety of… vibrant characters. Among them, we have our frequent flyers, the regulars who call 999 multiple times a day. But one of our local regulars himself the permanent nickname Spider-Man. Spider-Man will call 999 for a completely fake medical emergency. In the exact window of time between us pressing his flat button and walking through his bedroom door, he manages to perfectly time masturbating to completion. Oh God. The exact second you walk in, he launches his man juice straight at you, like Spider-Man casting a web. As generally disgusting as it is, from a purely logistical standpoint, you almost have to respect the Olympic-level timing he has. Because of this, his address now has an official history marker on our dispatch system. So my question for you boys, what is the proper tactical etiquette for avoiding Spider-Man's soupy splurge when entering a patient's property? Many thanks, Anonymous.

James Buckley 0:53:43 Right, well, first of all, you've got a duty, haven't you? You can't— even if they've got— even if they're flagged, the annoying thing is you've got to keep turning up. You've got to keep going. They used to be— You alright, Joe?

Speaker AC 0:53:56 No, I'm just—

Speaker AB 0:53:57 I'm amazed by—

Joe Thomas 0:54:01 Oh, what? No, I was just trying to think, you know, will I ever end up like that?

James Buckley 0:54:05 When I was a younger man, and I'd never—

Speaker BH 0:54:07 You have to, don't you? You have to think, could that be me?

James Buckley 0:54:09 When I never did this myself, you know, when they— back in the day where you used to have one television.

William 0:54:14 Yeah, yeah.

James Buckley 0:54:14 It was before Wi-Fi and laptops. Yeah. Your phone. I think I can see where saucy things weren't so accessible. There was a thing called a danger wank. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker AE 0:54:27 Yeah, I've heard of this. I've heard of this. Obviously, I've heard of it.

James Buckley 0:54:30 So, you'd get quite close to finishing whatever you were doing in the living room, uh, and then you'd shout, Mum! And you'd have them coming down the stairs to finish off what you were doing.

Speaker AB 0:54:43 You know, they're worried nowadays that children get bored and they don't—

Joe Thomas 0:54:46 they're not creative anymore. And this is a good example. Like, we were coming up with all sorts of fun stuff.

James Buckley 0:54:50 I never did it myself. Because there were so many channels. It was called a Danger Wank. There was so many.

Jordan 0:54:54 There was a Danger Wank, there was a Posh Posh went with the condom. Yeah, the one famously for me in between is where Jay sits and he said, all the lads did that at our school.

William 0:55:02 Did they?

James Buckley 0:55:03 What was that?

William 0:55:03 What's this?

Jordan 0:55:04 Where you sat on your hand till it goes numb. Oh, the dead hand. Yes, it felt like someone else.

James Buckley 0:55:10 Right.

Jordan 0:55:11 Which is the best scene ever because he got a snorkel on him. You've never seen it, it's the funniest. But every— all the lads at my school got told that. Yeah, you'd sit on your hand until it went dead for like half an hour.

William 0:55:20 Do you think now they're banning social media for the under 16s, it's going to increase the rise of danger wanks because they've got to do something.

Joe Thomas 0:55:28 Maybe.

James Buckley 0:55:28 I mean, I've got under 16s, I've got 2 under 16s in my house, and I like, you know, there wasn't, there wasn't internet and stuff, and I still managed to wank quite a lot when I was a teenager. I still got it done. I still got it over the line. I'm not sure it's going to make a big difference, to be honest.

Speaker AB 0:55:48 I think young men didn't need any extra help.

Speaker BI 0:55:53 I think that was— they're already doing well. Well, you say It encouraged creativity.

James Buckley 0:55:57 It did.

Jordan 0:55:57 And your mate would say to you, wank bank?

James Buckley 0:55:59 Absolutely, yeah.

Joe Thomas 0:56:01 Oh, the wank bank.

Jordan 0:56:03 See if you're somewhat fit or attractive, you might go, put that for the wank bank.

James Buckley 0:56:06 Yeah, right.

Speaker BB 0:56:07 Before internet.

Jordan 0:56:09 But look, there's a difference. To Anonymous, like the boys said, you've got to do a— you wanked half of the rugby team off, what are you on about? Um, you've got to do a, um, a duty.

William 0:56:19 Did more than that.

Joe Thomas 0:56:20 You've got a duty.

Jordan 0:56:24 In public school, it was just normal to get one of the other boys to do it for you.

Speaker BJ 0:56:29 Is that right?

William 0:56:29 What were you saying?

Jordan 0:56:31 Um, so yeah, I think you've got a duty. You handled it well. Nobody has to put up with that because that is— um, maybe goggles, or—

Speaker I 0:56:42 I just shout. I just say, look, just can you just finish, then I'll come in? Like, just— he knows.

William 0:56:47 Why is the ambulance service still sending them to this person? You have to, you have to, you have to, because one day— I hope it's not not being prioritised. No, it won't be.

James Buckley 0:56:55 I'm a bit sort of—

Speaker I 0:56:56 It's the boy who cried wolf. It's almost insane. That's what I mean, yeah.

James Buckley 0:56:58 I'm a bit of a no-nonsense guy, and I would be like, if there was a genuine problem and he called 999 and they were a bit lax turning up, I would be a bit like, serves him right.

William 0:57:12 Yeah, I quite agree. Or you could— they could turn up, they could borrow one of the police service's tasers and turn up and taser him as they go through the door. He'll never do it again.

James Buckley 0:57:19 I think that'd be the ultimate. Yeah.

Jordan 0:57:22 Mine's like the same thing.

James Buckley 0:57:24 That would really get his rocks off.

Jordan 0:57:25 I know, yeah, like a fountain. Thanks so much for listening today. If you want to get in touch with us on Help I Sex My Boss with a dilemma or a problem, drop into our DMs or send us an email to help@sexandmyboss.com. And give it up for our wonderful guests from Fact Up, Joe and James.

James Buckley 0:57:44 Thank you, guys. Thanks very much.

Speaker AM 0:57:45 Thank you. Thank you. You've met a very teenager's dreams come true. So thank you.

James Buckley 0:57:49 It's a pleasure.