Help I’m A Feminist | And What’s Your Body Count?

Jordan 0:02:06 Right, uh, you join us as Ben thinks, because he's been away for a week, something's happened and the, the vibe and mood's changed.

William 0:02:17 The mood has changed. He's back.

Jordan 0:02:19 That's what I mean. I believe you'll find you're the common denominator.

Ben 0:02:21 Thanks, guys.

Jordan 0:02:23 Thanks. How was that?

William 0:02:24 We're delighted to have you back.

Jordan 0:02:25 Yeah.

Ben 0:02:25 I've not felt that a single second since—

William 0:02:28 Ben, I gave you a hug and a kiss downstairs. What more do you want? And a salad box.

Ben 0:02:31 You said you wanted a hug and kiss and you were being all offish with me.

William 0:02:34 Oh, well, what would you like me to do?

Ben 0:02:37 Just be normal.

William 0:02:39 That's quite hard for me.

Ben 0:02:41 Be more you.

Jordan 0:02:41 Can we start?

Ben 0:02:43 Do what you want.

William 0:02:45 Love you, Ben.

Jordan 0:02:46 Right, okay. Love you, Ben.

William 0:02:47 I love you, Ben. Sorry.

Jordan 0:02:48 Glad to have you back. You were missed. Hello and welcome to Help, I Sexted My Boss, the podcast where we help you navigate the challenges of modern life, answering your 21st century questions and finding solutions to those everyday dilemmas. Like, what should you do if your mum and best friend have fallen out? Or how do you tell your partner that you have accidentally used water from the kettle during douching? And what should you do if you've accidentally sexted your boss? But we're not usual agony aunts, are we? William Hanson, the UK's eating etiquette expert and West End superstar.

William 0:03:26 Oh, bless you. No, we're not Jordan North, Capital Radio show host. I'm more—

Jordan 0:03:30 And I did 2 for you there, so you need to do one for me.

William 0:03:33 And the star of Toy Story 5.

Jordan 0:03:38 Thank you.

William 0:03:38 I'm more writer, you're more write-off. That's from Nicole. Thank you, Nicole.

Jordan 0:03:44 You know, people are saying you can tell you're 8 years in, 9 years into us, but Gene Deavers, you need to up your game on these I'm more, you're mores. That's all I'm gonna say.

William 0:03:52 I remember the day when Ben used to text going, we need more, I'm more, you're more, and we'd have to do it. And after about—

Ben 0:03:59 Oh God, that sounds like a long day at work.

Jordan 0:04:00 Can we all just be nice to each other today, please? Who are we toasting to?

William 0:04:07 That's too much gin.

Jordan 0:04:08 No, it's not. Get it in.

Ben 0:04:09 Has anyone seen Toy Story 5 yet?

William 0:04:11 No, I've got it in my diary to go.

Jordan 0:04:12 That wasn't a double. That was just under.

William 0:04:15 Yes, because you do You do 2 to 1.

Jordan 0:04:19 Have you seen Toy Story 5 yet?

Ben 0:04:20 I've been on holiday.

Jordan 0:04:21 Shut up, chair!

William 0:04:22 If they've got— they've got cinema lines, they've got cinemas in Europe then.

Ben 0:04:26 Not sure they do in Ibiza.

Jordan 0:04:27 And it would have been the Spanish, um—

William 0:04:29 No, the whole thing would have been in Spanish.

Jordan 0:04:31 No, no, they would have had a Spanish celebrity do their—

Ben 0:04:34 It would have been Juan Norte.

Jordan 0:04:37 Ah, chair!

William 0:04:41 Lovely. Sian's still doing the Spanish one, isn't she? But I think it's just you.

Jordan 0:04:45 Is she?

William 0:04:45 Yeah.

Jordan 0:04:46 I tell you who's doing the Australian one.

William 0:04:49 Yes, I've seen this. Fisher. Price?

Jordan 0:04:53 No.

William 0:04:53 Who's Fisher?

Jordan 0:04:55 I'm Losin' It.

William 0:04:56 Oh my God, one of my favourite songs ever!

Jordan 0:04:58 DJ, yeah. I'm Losin' It.

William 0:04:59 Yeah, is it?

Jordan 0:05:00 Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. That's from one of our many tours, innit? Yes. Right, who we toastin' to, me love?

William 0:05:04 We're going to toast to Benjamin. Who's toasting to, me love? Who sent in this message. Dear William Jordan, absolutely nobody else. That's nice, that can stay. I'm a relatively new listener to the podcast and have been cramming over the last few weeks whilst I drive around for work. I've reached Series 7 and have begun supping copious amounts of Dubonnet whilst enjoying your comedic tones. Not whilst driving, obviously. Good. I never really enjoyed gin, but the D makes the G much nicer on the tongue. I just wanted to let you know that an alternative Dubonnet mixture I accidentally stumbled upon when one of my cats, Lord Jaffa Cake Rum Tum Tango the First—

Jordan 0:05:36 This is— who's this from?

William 0:05:38 Someone who's single. Knocked my G&D from one table directly into my wife's lemonade.

Jordan 0:05:44 Thought they were gay until they said wife. Oh, wife. Okay. Just saying.

William 0:05:48 Whilst I'm still experimenting with proportions, I believe there could be legs to the idea. Obviously, I'll let you, the arbiters of taste and etiquette, be the ultimate judges. To recreate it is simple. Add the classic G&D, 2 parts Dubonnet, 1 part gin, in this case Beefeater, to a tall crystal highball tumbler with crushed ice, then top up with 7Up. It's a wonderful, slightly sweet and fruity summer drink for a hot day, which I believe should be called the Long D. I hope you both enjoy my Long D, and I look forward to hearing your thoughts on it once I reach the current series. Best wishes, Benjamin Guy. And Izzy and Ben apparently are— oh, you literally have it.

Jordan 0:06:22 Oh, so you're gonna—

William 0:06:23 There was me hoping you'd forgotten.

Jordan 0:06:24 So what is G— it's gin and Tabarnak with—

William 0:06:27 Just a— that's it, just a touch. That'll do.

Jordan 0:06:30 Okay.

William 0:06:30 Anyway, Benjamin, this is for you.

Jordan 0:06:32 To Benjamin! Cheers!

William 0:06:33 And I'm sorry for saying you're single when you're clearly not.

Jordan 0:06:37 You've got a wife. Benjamin was, you

William 0:06:39 know—

Jordan 0:06:39 anyway.

William 0:06:40 Benjamin Guy, Benjamin Gay. But no. Anyway, how are you? Yeah,

Jordan 0:06:44 I'm good. Yourself?

William 0:06:45 Yes, fine. What have you been up to?

Jordan 0:06:46 You know, usual bits, usual thing.

William 0:06:48 Jordan's in some— it looks like you've come from the gym.

Jordan 0:06:51 No, this is very— I'm in my sports shorts and dress shirt era.

William 0:06:56 Where do we stand on wearing—

Jordan 0:06:57 Harry Styles, Jacob Elordi type.

William 0:06:59 Where do we stand on wearing sports clothing to work?

Jordan 0:07:02 Well, it's not sports clothing. It's just a look.

William 0:07:05 It's Adidas. They're Adidas.

Jordan 0:07:07 But also, Growing the old moustache.

William 0:07:10 Day one? Because you've got a— don't rub it against the microphone. You've got a beard.

Jordan 0:07:16 Yeah, so—

William 0:07:17 So I would say it does fairly blend.

Jordan 0:07:19 Yeah, but I did have the beard shorter and the moustache longer.

William 0:07:22 Okay.

Jordan 0:07:23 So I'm gonna—

William 0:07:23 And you like that, do you?

Jordan 0:07:24 I'm getting there. I'm getting there with it. What do you think? I never thought I'd be the person that grew a moustache. I'll be honest, my mate come to the pub on Sunday, and I went, Pete, I like your tash. And he went, thanks. I said, I'm gonna grow one. Didn't Ben have one for a while?

William 0:07:39 He did. Look there, in this said photograph at my wedding. Ah, dusty crowd.

Jordan 0:07:45 Am I out of—

Ben 0:07:46 Yeah.

Jordan 0:07:47 Am I out of— how long ago was that? Like, how long have you been married?

William 0:07:49 Uh, nearly 4 years.

Jordan 0:07:51 Oh my God, you were well ahead of your time.

Ben 0:07:53 That was 4 years ago.

Jordan 0:07:54 You were well ahead of the time.

Ben 0:07:55 But the problem is with the moustache is obviously, like, I enjoyed it at the time, but it is one of those things where I feel you kind of look back and think, hmm. Yeah.

Jordan 0:08:05 Yeah,

Ben 0:08:06 that was a decision.

Jordan 0:08:07 Yeah.

William 0:08:07 It's a fashion choice. And it was—

Ben 0:08:08 I was William's usher at his wedding, so I feel like—

William 0:08:11 You were an usherette.

Ben 0:08:13 Usherette.

Jordan 0:08:13 Yeah.

Ben 0:08:16 Did Cat like it? Just if you have a big event that you might like, there might be pictures of that you'd look back and think, oh, that would be nice to look back at, and then you see a massive slug on your face.

Jordan 0:08:24 We'll give it a few weeks and see how we go. Did Cat like it?

Ben 0:08:26 She hated it. The odd occasion that she saw it. Obviously she was able to be out at William's wedding, so that worked.

William 0:08:36 Yes, yeah, yeah. Okay. You— what you could do—

Jordan 0:08:39 You could grow one.

William 0:08:40 I can't.

Jordan 0:08:41 Can you not?

William 0:08:42 I have laser hair, darling. Literally, I'm incapable.

Jordan 0:08:45 You're the only bloke I know that's had laser hair treatment on the face.

William 0:08:48 Really? Loads of people have it on the face.

Jordan 0:08:50 Do they? No, you just shave.

William 0:08:52 No, but I would shave and then about an hour later

Jordan 0:08:56 it'd look like I hadn't. It's so weird with your testosterone.

William 0:08:58 Mm-hmm.

Jordan 0:08:58 Your testosterone is next level.

William 0:09:00 What?

Jordan 0:09:01 Considering how camp you are. Camp? And effeminate. No offence, but your testosterone—

William 0:09:09 Why would being effeminate be offensive?

Jordan 0:09:11 No, no, no, I'm not saying it is. I'm just saying, but like, you—

William 0:09:15 Gosh, you can tell Pride Month's over.

Jordan 0:09:16 I remember when you'd like have a shave and then at like 2 in the afternoon you'd have a full 5 o'clock shadow.

William 0:09:22 And if I didn't have laser hair, then yeah, that is what— that's what you'd get.

Jordan 0:09:25 Yeah. So, yeah, you've got—

William 0:09:28 I've told you why I had started having laser hair, didn't I? I mean, I've had it for a few years now.

Jordan 0:09:32 Oh, that cocky little guy.

William 0:09:33 I was teaching at a public school, I won't say which one, in Oxfordshire, and it got to 3 o'clock, and I was teaching like 14, 15-year-olds, and this— I can literally picture him now— put his hand up, went, sir. Yes, Bonzo, whatever his name was. If you're here to talk to us about manners, wouldn't it not have been polite to actually shave?

Jordan 0:09:54 I still— and he said that? Still. And of course I had. not get told off?

William 0:09:59 Well, I was the only one in the room.

Jordan 0:10:00 What did you say?

William 0:10:01 I said— well, I had actually. I just, just grows very quickly and just moved on. But it was so scarring. So he owes me an awful lot of— well, laser hair's not that expensive, but you know, pain. It's quite painful.

Jordan 0:10:11 Can I ask you a personal question?

William 0:10:12 Of course you can.

Jordan 0:10:14 How big are your bollocks? Do you have big balls?

William 0:10:17 Why do you want to know this?

Jordan 0:10:19 Do you have big old mahogany testicles?

William 0:10:21 Why do you want to know this?

Jordan 0:10:23 Just because that's a sign of testosterone, innit?

William 0:10:25 Is it?

Jordan 0:10:25 Big Yeah.

William 0:10:27 Well, if we finish this episode early, I'll show you.

Ben 0:10:29 Do you know that all like primates have different sort of ratios between penis size and balls? So like, if you, depending on how many partners you have. So because gorillas have like, they're just like one male has, they have loads of partners. Yeah. Right. So they don't need a big willy to like show off.

Jordan 0:10:51 Okay.

Ben 0:10:51 So they have a small willy. And really big balls.

Jordan 0:10:54 Right.

Ben 0:10:55 Because they have to have sex with all the other gorillas.

William 0:10:58 Gosh, well, Michaela Strachan doesn't need to worry, does she?

Jordan 0:11:02 That's twice today I've heard Michaela Strachan. That is so weird. Someone else mentioned her this morning. So, right. Have you been watching that?

Ben 0:11:11 I'm pretty sure that was right. It's probably wrong, isn't it? Yeah, look. So, a gorilla weighs 350 pounds.

William 0:11:19 Right.

Ben 0:11:21 That's a lot of pennies.

William 0:11:21 That is.

Ben 0:11:22 Their testicles weigh a mere 30 grammes.

Jordan 0:11:25 So they've got small willy, but big testicles?

Ben 0:11:29 No. Okay, no, I've got it wrong. They've got tucks. They've got tiny testicles.

Jordan 0:11:34 But big willies.

Ben 0:11:36 Because they don't have competition from other males. But there are other primates that have loads of competition.

William 0:11:42 Okay.

Ben 0:11:43 Do you get it?

Jordan 0:11:44 Yeah, right, okay. So we'll keep you up to date on the old moustache. Moustache. I want the more like— Why do you want— I want the moustache and like short beard look. I just think I'd suit it.

William 0:11:56 But why?

Jordan 0:11:57 I don't know, you know.

William 0:11:57 Why don't you try when you go on holiday? Because then in case—

Jordan 0:12:00 I am, I'm going away in 2 weeks.

William 0:12:01 Well, then try it then. Because I'm thinking I might try something new. I'm not going to tell you what, but I thought I'll do it over holiday. Because then if it doesn't suit me, by the time I'm back, we'll be back to normal.

Jordan 0:12:12 What is it? Tell me. What are you gonna try?

William 0:12:15 I might get something called a sleeve.

Jordan 0:12:19 Tattoo?

William 0:12:22 Yeah, no, I'm not getting that.

Jordan 0:12:22 Tell me what you're doing. You're getting your teeth done.

William 0:12:24 Well, now I've got a complex about my teeth!

Jordan 0:12:27 I learned when I was just—

William 0:12:29 No. No, and also you can't undo that. So, you know. No, no, I don't know. We'll see.

Jordan 0:12:34 Okay. Oh, you're gonna get a piercing? No, you don't like piercings.

William 0:12:37 No, I'm not gonna have a piercing.

Ben 0:12:38 Bold.

William 0:12:42 You will, uh, why don't you and Divya guess?

Jordan 0:12:43 Okay. Alright.

Ben 0:12:46 Are you shaving your pubes for the first time?

Jordan 0:12:48 Ben, it's my job to be crude.

William 0:12:52 Yeah. Who's put 50p in you?

Jordan 0:12:54 Oh, and I've got an awful image of him shaving his piabs.

William 0:12:59 Why are you thinking about me shaving my piabs?

Jordan 0:13:02 See, he just mentioned it.

William 0:13:03 Yeah, but you don't need to initiate it.

Jordan 0:13:05 Did you do it over a carrier bag or over a toilet? Or just don't floor them with your dustpan and brush.

William 0:13:09 I'm not talking pubic—

Jordan 0:13:10 What is the correct etiquette of shaving one's pubic hair?

William 0:13:13 Just tidy up after yourself, however you do it.

Jordan 0:13:16 Okay, so you take the dustpan and brush up?

William 0:13:17 However you're gonna do it.

Jordan 0:13:19 I like the dustpan and brush method, 'cause then it makes you realise how many you've got off. It's quite satisfying. You know, like when you shave your teeth.

William 0:13:24 Well, for you, but you'd stuff a mattress afterwards.

Jordan 0:13:27 Wow.

William 0:13:28 Wow. It's an exciting day.

Jordan 0:13:31 It is.

William 0:13:31 Because not only do I get to see you here, In our place of work, if you can call this work. I don't, but some people do. But also, you'll be coming to my other place of work this evening, because Jordan North is finally coming aboard the Ship of Dreams, AKA Titanic.

Jordan 0:13:46 I'm coming to see Titanic.

William 0:13:47 Yes.

Jordan 0:13:48 I'm very, very much looking forward to it.

William 0:13:50 Bless you. We're looking forward to having you.

Jordan 0:13:51 I'm going to Devonshire before.

William 0:13:53 Of course you are.

Jordan 0:13:54 Yeah, so be having a few Guinness in there.

William 0:13:56 Good location, actually, because we're literally just across the road.

Jordan 0:13:58 How far a walk?

William 0:14:00 A minute.

Jordan 0:14:00 Oh, okay. So that means I can leave at 25 past?

William 0:14:04 I would maybe be leaving about 10 past 7. 'Cause also, I have suggested to your party—

Jordan 0:14:09 10 past 7?

William 0:14:10 —that you preorder drinks for the interval. So you'll need to— 'cause it's only a 15-minute interval. It's not 20 minutes like most other Western shows.

Jordan 0:14:17 They'll wait.

William 0:14:18 They won't.

Jordan 0:14:19 But look, I don't wanna fuss or anything when I'm there.

William 0:14:23 No, there won't be.

Jordan 0:14:25 Yeah.

William 0:14:25 No. Good. You're probably doing autographs in the stalls.

Jordan 0:14:29 No, I

William 0:14:29 won't. Oh, I just happen to have this Sharpie on me.

Jordan 0:14:32 Always got a Sharpie with me, William. You never know when you need one, son.

William 0:14:35 And have you used it yet? No, no,

Jordan 0:14:37 it's been there since 2014. I'm looking forward to it. I am looking forward to pub as well. It's my favourite pub in London,

William 0:14:43 that. Good. Well, I'm glad.

Jordan 0:14:44 If you're ever in London, go down to Devonshire. It's the best Guinness. Just go on their Instagram. It's always packed. It's the best Guinness you'll ever have. Yeah. Tell them Jordan sent you. They do scotched eggs, bar snacks, the lot. What can I expect tonight? Are you gonna— well, you've got another recording with Jonathan after this.

William 0:15:04 I do, yes.

Jordan 0:15:04 So I hope you're gonna be on good form.

William 0:15:06 I hope so too. Doctor Theatre will see me through. What?

Jordan 0:15:11 Is that a thespian saying?

William 0:15:12 It is, yeah.

Jordan 0:15:12 Doctor Theatre?

William 0:15:13 Doctor Theatre. If you're not feeling well, the adrenaline, the roar of the crowd, and the smell of the greasepaint will see you through.

Jordan 0:15:19 Oh, is that what they say?

William 0:15:19 Yeah.

Jordan 0:15:20 Yeah.

William 0:15:21 No, we've had some lovely audiences actually. So, I'm— and Thursdays tend to be good audiences because Thursday's the new Friday. So, hopefully.

Jordan 0:15:29 It's the pre-kend.

William 0:15:30 The— oh my God, is that a new word? The pre-kend?

Jordan 0:15:34 Me and Vic used to say it on Going Home.

William 0:15:35 Of course! Yes, I knew I'd heard it before. Yes.

Jordan 0:15:38 Yeah, the listeners never liked it then either. It never quite took on.

William 0:15:42 The pre— yeah.

Jordan 0:15:43 It's the pre-kend, baby.

William 0:15:46 What does— there's someone I know that calls it Happy—

Jordan 0:15:48 Thirsty Thursday?

William 0:15:49 Happy Almost Friday or something.

Jordan 0:15:51 Oh.

William 0:15:51 No, that's a nick. Yeah, we don't like that. In other news of important people coming to see Titanique, unbeknownst to me, 'cause I had asked for it, if it was going to happen, I said, make it happen, just don't tell me until afterwards.

Jordan 0:16:05 Okay.

William 0:16:06 My parents came to see the show.

Jordan 0:16:08 No! When? Tell me everything.

William 0:16:10 Saturday night.

Jordan 0:16:13 Did you have an inkling they were coming?

William 0:16:14 I had an inkling in the interval, because a few of the cast members who have met Mikey went, well, Mike is sitting in the dress circle, because obviously he's so tall, he sort of kind of stands out.

Jordan 0:16:24 And did you know Mikey was coming?

William 0:16:26 No. Oh, and I thought, well, if Mikey is sitting there, then— especially because Mikey had been the night before with his sister.

Jordan 0:16:31 Oh god, poor Mikey.

William 0:16:33 Mikey goes to see shows repeatedly all the time.

Jordan 0:16:36 Yeah, well… What? Okay, no offence.

William 0:16:39 And I was— because, you know, look, we've talked about this before. My parents have never seen Sex Ed live. They've been invited, but they have said previously, I won't be able to be me if they are there. And they're sort of— I do know what they mean. So 3 weeks in, they were there. They loved it. It was very emotional.

Jordan 0:16:58 Oh, did they cry?

William 0:17:00 They— well—

Jordan 0:17:01 'Cause I, you know, I take the mick out of you. Yeah, I'm really looking forward to it, but I reckon I will be like the dad in Billy Elliot at the end. You know where he comes on as the ballet dancer?

William 0:17:11 Yeah.

Jordan 0:17:11 That scene grips me every time. Of

William 0:17:13 course it does.

Jordan 0:17:13 And he goes, he goes, if you want, I'll show you me fanny. That's off Billy Elliot. But that's, that's, that's one of my favourite films, and that's what I'll be like. I will cry tonight when I see you on there. So what, what are you showing us here?

William 0:17:29 Why is the sound not coming out?

Jordan 0:17:30 Turn the sound up, yeah.

William 0:17:31 No, I've done that. This is the curtain call.

Jordan 0:17:39 Oh! Oh, look at your mum, she's beaming! Oh, that's gonna make me cry. Look at that. Your dad's not that arse, but your mum's beaming.

William 0:17:52 My father sent me a very lovely email.

Jordan 0:17:53 Email?

William 0:17:55 Yeah.

Jordan 0:17:55 You email each other?

William 0:17:57 Yes. I got an email on the Monday to say, you know, it was just— oh no, because it's nice, 'cause then for posterity—

Jordan 0:18:03 What are you, a Sally Rooney novel? Who sends emails to— there's a gun in that!

William 0:18:08 No, 'cause it's nice, because then in many years' time, I'll always have that. I think it's very nice. I mean, he could have done a handwritten note, but you know, an email will suffice.

Jordan 0:18:15 I've never sent my dad an email. I don't even think I've got an email.

William 0:18:18 Your dad and I email all the time. Greybow and I.

Jordan 0:18:22 Dear!

William 0:18:22 Yeah, greybo@gmail.com.

Jordan 0:18:24 Make sure you don't miss the R out, if you are gonna use that.

William 0:18:29 No, that will get through to—

Jordan 0:18:30 Gaybo.

William 0:18:31 You.

Jordan 0:18:31 Very good.

William 0:18:35 Thank you.

Jordan 0:18:36 But that's sweet.

Ben 0:18:37 Didn't William's dad accidentally CC you in the email?

Jordan 0:18:39 Oh yes, he did. He did accidentally CC me into the—

William 0:18:48 Is this something I don't know about?

Jordan 0:18:51 No, no, no, he just accidentally CC'd me into the email. Oh, I see.

William 0:18:56 Here we go.

Jordan 0:18:56 Dear William, fucking good show the other day. I was quite sceptical. I thought, oh my God, what have I been bloody dragged along to on a Saturday night in fucking London when it's packed and busy? I want to be at home watching the television, BBC 4. Anyway, your mother loved it. Um, from what she can remember, she nearly got, uh, thrown out in the interval for being pissed as a fart. And, um, she was complaining that the champagne was, was warm. Whatever the hell. Really good bloody performance. You made me very proud. Never did I think I'd see my son prancing about on the West End. Um, all my love, Daddy. P.S., Mummy says all her love too. Bloody good show. Bloody good show. Wow,

William 0:19:41 it's like he's here. Lovely. Um, well, look, there, look, there is a photo of my father and Mikey.

Jordan 0:19:47 In the interval. Oh!

William 0:19:48 Which is nice. And then my mother— you know, 'cause the theatre is obviously near Shaftesbury Avenue, and there are some tourist shops up and down Shaftesbury Avenue. And there are t-shirts that are on sale that say things like, I'm not gay, but my boyfriend is, I love lesbians, etc. Turns out my mother bought one, and Mikey and I got sent this photo.

Jordan 0:20:06 Get that on the carousel! That is brilliant.

William 0:20:12 Ben?

Jordan 0:20:13 William's mum is wearing a t-shirt that says, I heart gays. She's looking fabulous there as well.

William 0:20:20 She is looking fabulous.

Jordan 0:20:20 Alright, you see how I'm nice to your mum?

William 0:20:22 I'm nice to your mum!

Jordan 0:20:25 You've started some shit now.

William 0:20:26 Is she okay?

Jordan 0:20:27 She's fine.

William 0:20:28 You sure?

Jordan 0:20:30 Kate North's loving this, by the way.

William 0:20:32 Great.

Jordan 0:20:32 This banter.

William 0:20:33 Well, it takes the heat off her.

Jordan 0:20:34 She's living for this. She's like, it's the best thing I've seen.

William 0:20:40 No, I love your mother. You know, it's, it's, it's, as they call it in Northern Ireland, slaggin'. It's what you do to people that you hold dear. It's what you and I do to each other.

Jordan 0:20:49 Well, I'm so glad that your mum and dad went to see her, really. What else has been going on, my little West End musical star?

William 0:20:55 Um, well, it's actually quite sad, and you'll appreciate this.

Jordan 0:20:58 Oh, who's died?

William 0:20:59 Well, Penelope Keith, who was Margot in The Good Life.

Jordan 0:21:02 I never watched The Good Life.

William 0:21:03 I thought you did.

Jordan 0:21:04 Never. I'm very much like— one thing me and William found out we had in common when we were younger is we had Uh, a love for like 1970s, '80s sitcoms, but I could never get into Good Life.

William 0:21:15 Oh.

Jordan 0:21:16 No, that was Terry and June, right? Yeah, yeah.

William 0:21:19 I like that.

Jordan 0:21:21 But yeah, I, I appreciate— was she a Loose Woman? A panellist?

William 0:21:25 No, she was not.

Jordan 0:21:25 No, I, I— she's been in lots of— I

William 0:21:27 know, but my God, I would have watched it if she— I know

Jordan 0:21:29 she's an icon of British treasure

William 0:21:31 because she was also Audrey Forbes-Hamilton in To the Men Are Born.

Jordan 0:21:33 Yes, I watched that.

William 0:21:35 Oh yeah, there we go.

Jordan 0:21:36 I used to watch To Man About Me.

William 0:21:37 Gosh, and you got To The Man About Me, but you didn't get The Good Life.

Jordan 0:21:40 I love To Man About Me.

William 0:21:42 To The Man About Me.

Jordan 0:21:43 Anyway, to The Man About Me.

William 0:21:43 Anyway, so I was very sad. She had beautiful diction. And Penelope Keith, a little toast to you. So no, I thought as a sitcom lover you would sort of appreciate that.

Jordan 0:21:53 Yeah, it was quite sad.

William 0:21:54 Anything else with you?

Jordan 0:21:55 Oh, you know, all good. Got my shorts on, growing my moustache, and going to watch my best friend in a musical tonight. Life is good, my friend. Life is good and I'm enjoying the summer.

William 0:22:05 I don't know which— what?

Jordan 0:22:06 I

William 0:22:06 don't know which of the 3 things you've just said is gayer.

Jordan 0:22:09 What?

William 0:22:11 Slutty shorts, growing a slutty moustache, or going to watch me and Titan eat.

Jordan 0:22:15 Well, life is good.

William 0:22:16 I think the shorts, to be honest.

Jordan 0:22:18 Life is good. Good. I'm enjoying— I love that. I do love the summer and I'm going away in 2 weeks, so I'm going to Greece, but I don't know where and it's bugging me. Because I keep looking on my emails, right, and then I forget.

William 0:22:31 Honestly, I go to Greece, you go to Greece.

Jordan 0:22:32 Well, I don't know if it's Corfu, Kos, Crete,

William 0:22:37 one of the Cs.

Jordan 0:22:38 It could even be Morocco.

William 0:22:40 Morocco is in Greece.

Jordan 0:22:42 Kefalonia? That was Barcelona, right?

William 0:22:44 No, Kefalonia is in Greece.

Jordan 0:22:46 Also, at the time of recording, so we don't know what's gonna happen when this goes out because we've got another game, but, um, England have just beat DR Congo.

William 0:22:55 Dr. Congo?

Jordan 0:22:56 He will see you now.

William 0:22:57 Who's Dr. Congo?

Jordan 0:22:59 The Dominican Republic of Congo. There's DR Congo in it, but

William 0:23:03 I

Jordan 0:23:04 read it out as Dr. Congo on air. Right. You didn't watch any of the match last night?

William 0:23:08 I was rehearsing.

Jordan 0:23:09 Rehearsing? I didn't go to the pub. I'm regretting it.

William 0:23:13 But I will be honest with you, what I did do yesterday after rehearsals, it was towards the latter half of the game, in my dressing room whilst I was applying my foundation, I'd just wear a touch of makeup on stage. Um, I did look up the score.

Jordan 0:23:25 Did you?

William 0:23:26 Mainly to see if we were going to go out and we could put an end to all of this. Turns out we've got another few days of it.

Jordan 0:23:31 I still can't get over when you had Luke and Jo over for—

William 0:23:36 First time I'd met Luke.

Jordan 0:23:37 For dinner, and it was England in the Euros final.

William 0:23:40 Yeah.

Jordan 0:23:40 And you, you didn't watch it.

William 0:23:43 Well, Jo put it on and Luke, Mikey, and I sat there and talked about theatre.

Jordan 0:23:48 Well, you know what time kickoff is on Sunday? 1 AM.

William 0:23:52 Yes.

Jordan 0:23:53 And I'm gonna say this to FIFA, any officials watching, let's not put the next World Cup in a continent, let's just have it in one country. Because now we've got to go to Mexico, travel there, the, um, altitude is completely different. So the Mexicans have been playing— we're already getting our excuses in. Yeah, so the, the altitude's really Uh, high.

William 0:24:15 Can I just say, I, I know very little about football, but wherever we played Mexico, I suspect we probably would lose. I said it, sorry.

Jordan 0:24:23 But yeah, let's not, let's not have a, a World Cup across 3 countries. Let's just pick one. Yeah, that way the times can all be better and we can all get into it a bit more, because I'm into it now, but it took a while.

William 0:24:34 But it's quite good to get into it if you're over on that side of the world.

Jordan 0:24:37 I've hardly watched any games, honestly. I feel shit usually. I remember For me, the best one was, where were they, the Ampuguswanes, whatever they were called.

William 0:24:46 The Vuvuzelas.

Jordan 0:24:47 I was at Rock FM and I used to come home every night.

Ben 0:24:49 No, it was in South Africa.

William 0:24:49 The Vuvuzelas.

Jordan 0:24:50 South Africa, 'cause it's the same time zone.

Ben 0:24:53 Same time zone.

Jordan 0:24:53 Come home every night and watch 2 games. There was always one on at like 7 and then another one at 10, it was class. Or 9.

Ben 0:25:00 That's what you want.

Jordan 0:25:00 Yeah, anyway. So that's to Sepp Blatter, whatever he's called.

William 0:25:04 Sepp Blatter?

Jordan 0:25:06 What's he called?

William 0:25:07 It's not Sepp Blatter anymore, it's—

Ben 0:25:08 Gianni Infantino.

Jordan 0:25:10 Oh yes, bloody hell, it's not been Sepp Blatter for years. It's Gianni…

Ben 0:25:14 Versace. I don't know if you could hear that, but obviously a big part of the World Cup, the controversy has been the hydration breaks, and Diego just took his second to, to have a big old gulp of water there.

William 0:25:24 Yes.

Ben 0:25:24 Instantly.

William 0:25:24 Well, that's only so— Thirsty bitch.

Jordan 0:25:25 That's only so Americans can get their—

William 0:25:27 What?

Jordan 0:25:28 Adverts in. Yes. Hydration break sponsored by Gatorade, Gatorade, Gatorade. It's like everything's sponsored. Fucking referee's eyelashes are sponsored. Well, you know, you've got to pay the bills, I suppose.

William 0:25:40 You do.

Jordan 0:25:40 All right. Oh, it's Jordan's Jolly Joke of the Week.

William 0:25:42 It is?

Jordan 0:25:43 Yes, it is.

William 0:25:44 It's big, big day.

Jordan 0:25:45 It's big, big day.

William 0:25:46 Let's have the jingle.

Jordan 0:25:47 Cue the jingles off.

Speaker F 0:25:49 If you like a chap who's cheeky and northern, you're in for a treat with our Jordan. And if a giggle is what you seek, you're sure to love Jordan's Jolly Joke of the Week. Cha cha cha cha, cha cha cha cha, cha cha cha cha cha.

Jordan 0:26:05 You fella who wrote the jingles went to see you last night, is that what you're saying? He did.

William 0:26:08 Stephen came to see me.

Jordan 0:26:09 Yeah, Stephen. Nice one, Stephen.

William 0:26:10 He said it was excellent and he appreciated the in-jokes.

Jordan 0:26:13 I'm dreading the in-jokes because I know one of them's aimed at me. This is from Ollie Brinkman on, uh, Insta. Says, hi Joe, I love the podcast. Got a jolly joke of the week for you. I bought a dog from the blacksmith's the other day, and I'll tell you the plunchline—

William 0:26:28 The punchline.

Jordan 0:26:29 I'll tell you the punchline after the break.

Jordan 0:30:12 All right, Gene Divas, thanks for sticking with us. This week's Jordan's Jolly Joke of the Week goes to Ollie. Who says, I bought a dog from the blacksmith's the other day. As soon as we got home, he made a bolt for the door.

William 0:30:24 That's nice. That's funny. You've got to know what a blacksmith is, but it works.

Jordan 0:30:34 Everyone knows what a blacksmith is.

William 0:30:36 Some people might not.

Jordan 0:30:37 Do you want another?

William 0:30:38 Lizzie doesn't.

Jordan 0:30:39 She was educated in Blackburn. What'd you expect? I was not! Doodle doodle. Yeah, I think that's it. We'll just stick with that one, shall we?

William 0:30:50 Lovely. Well, should we get on to the questions and dilemmas?

Jordan 0:30:52 Let's do it. And remember, if you need our help with something, then do get in touch. You can send your tales of trepidation to help@sexandmyboss.com, or you can DM us. We're @sexandmyboss on the old socials. And remember, we have no ideas what's coming up. We're reading them for the first time. Can I just say I don't read the comments?

William 0:31:07 No, you don't at all.

Jordan 0:31:09 But a lot of people have been commenting and saying I prefer it when Jordan read from the iPad, because I glaze over halfway through. So—

William 0:31:20 You just do whatever you want to do.

Jordan 0:31:22 No, I'm not going to read off the iPad, because, right, basically I've been told to not read the questions off the iPad when William's reading them, because it looks bad on video. That's what Izzy said, but a lot of people have said that I'm glazing over. So let's go.

William 0:31:35 Okay, our first dilemma is from anonymous. Hi boys, I've got a bit of a dilemma. This summer I'm hosting a gathering of around 10 people in my garden. 2 of the guests and I speak another language. One grew up in the country, the other spoke the language at home growing up, and I've studied it for years. So it's natural for us to chat in it or speak it in combination with English. The other guests, however, do not speak or understand it or speak another language that they might chat to each other in. Would it be a faux pas— from the French false step, thank you— if our conversations, just between us, were in said language, but we spoke English with the wider group? Or when chatter isn't as lively. Lots of love, Anon. Yes, everyone wants to speak the same language.

Jordan 0:32:12 Oh, see, 'cause you do always think— 'cause they go, do you even know— You think, they're slagging me off. However, if I spoke another language, I think it'd be nice to speak to someone in my native tongue.

William 0:32:25 I mean, do it for a bit, but it—

Jordan 0:32:27 I think it's alright.

William 0:32:28 If it excludes others and they feel they're not being included, that's when it's wrong. If it's just the two of you talking and others aren't— listening in, okay, maybe it's more permissible. But generally, you want to talk in the language of the party.

Jordan 0:32:42 Yeah, I think if it's just you two, then it's fine. It's a great question. Yeah, because you do always think when you're here, you go, you know what they're saying about me? Oh God, she's saying I've got fat legs. I knew I shouldn't have worn these shorts. My legs, they're too fat for this. Oh God, oh God. Yeah, no, good thing.

William 0:32:59 Good. This is from Brian. To the Right Honourable William Hanson, not a member of the Cabinet, but thank you, Mr. Jordan North, and the ever-patient mentioned EPB.

Jordan 0:33:08 Why— there you go, next. Etymology. Yes. Whatever it's called.

William 0:33:12 Etymology.

Jordan 0:33:13 Why do they call it Right Honourable?

William 0:33:14 All right.

Jordan 0:33:16 Yeah. Oh, look at his face, he knows that's a good one. That'll be a good one.

William 0:33:19 Well, it's only good if there is actually an interesting answer.

Jordan 0:33:22 Where does it come from, Right Honourable?

William 0:33:23 Well, I will look into it.

Jordan 0:33:25 Who do we call Right Honourable? Is it only politicians?

William 0:33:27 No, no, certain peers as well.

Jordan 0:33:30 Okay, there you go.

William 0:33:31 Western, Clevedon, It's long, sorry. I found that funny. I'm writing to you from Sydney with what I believe is a niche but pressing etiquette conundrum.

Jordan 0:33:41 You've come to the right place.

William 0:33:42 I pride myself on hosting executive candlelight suppers and the occasional bon vivant luncheon, complete with luxury munchettes. I'm under no illusion that I'm hosting a state banquet, but if people leave thinking, well, that was rather lovely, then I've done my job. Brian, well done. Now to the issue. A very close friend had a medical procedure that means she can only eat very small portions. Naturally, whenever I host, I make sure there's plenty of food, and I plate everything in the kitchen before bringing it to the table. The problem is this: everyone else polishes off their dinner, leaving a satisfyingly empty plate. My friend, however, almost always leaves a noticeable amount behind simply because she physically can't eat any more.

Jordan 0:34:17 Make smaller amounts, then.

William 0:34:18 The same thing happens when we go out to restaurants. I hate food waste, but I would hate even more to make her feel singled out. What is the correct etiquette? Do I quietly serve her a much smaller portion than everyone else, accepting that it will look different from the outset, or do I serve everyone the same amount, knowing full well hers won't be finished, and simply make peace with the inevitable leftovers? I'm aware the obvious answer is just ask her, but somehow that also feels like drawing attention to something she'd probably rather not think about while preparing for my outdoor luxury barbecue. Yours in the highest esteem, and in faithful anticipation of your wisdom, Brian. I have 2 things to say, but I'll let you go first.

Jordan 0:34:51 No, you go first.

William 0:34:51 I was going to say, just ask her, but if you're worrying that that's going to single her out, say to everyone, right, before I serve, how hungry are we all feeling? And you just go around the room, so you're not singling her out. Oh, okay. Because actually, do you know what? There might be others that aren't that hungry. The other option is, do it as a buffet, and then everyone can help themselves.

Jordan 0:35:12 Well, I was going to say, just make her a smaller one and don't make a big deal of it. She'll probably appreciate that, because then she won't feel like she's being rude, the one she lives with. So just— yours is a good one. Ask everyone. Make a smaller one. But I must say, as somebody Who, who, who has people—

William 0:35:25 You're eating a lot less than you used to.

Jordan 0:35:27 No, I'm not.

William 0:35:28 I think you are.

Jordan 0:35:29 No, I'm bloody not. Have you seen what I've just truffed me?

William 0:35:31 Well, okay, today you've been going at those brownies like there's no tomorrow.

Jordan 0:35:35 Brownie? I don't have enough booty. Diego's had half of that. Sorry, Joe, I was just sniffing a bit of your bag and I've seen it, but don't tell my mum and dad because it's an ham sandwich and I'm veggie, remember? Yeah, I won't say a word, Diego. Fucking ate half me booty.

William 0:35:48 Um, can I eat the rest of your pasty?

Jordan 0:35:51 Yeah, my buddy, he's always, you're weird.

William 0:35:55 First time I've ever had a ham sandwich.

Jordan 0:35:58 But I don't serve. Whenever I have people over, this was introduced to me and I think it's great. Just help yourself. Either put it in the middle of the table or on the side, the island or whatever, and just get people to serve their own. And that would, I think that's better. And I like that 'cause then you can have more of what you love and less of what you don't like.

William 0:36:16 Yeah.

Jordan 0:36:17 I think it's old-fashioned to serve somebody's food for them personally. When you come to my house, get stuck into the tin.

William 0:36:23 Yeah, I mean, I've always said, you know, why bother serving your guests? Why, you know, why have them over?

Jordan 0:36:28 Well, you love it when you come to mine.

William 0:36:30 I do, I always love it. Haven't been over for a while, just saying.

Jordan 0:36:33 Oh yeah, it has been a while actually.

Ben 0:36:34 I've never been.

Jordan 0:36:36 'Cause you never wanna come.

Ben 0:36:38 I do. I mean, Jordan's never been to mine.

Jordan 0:36:40 I will— I think we need to sort out a little Sexted. We could do a Sexted Capital Breakfast get-together.

William 0:36:46 Why Capital Breakfast? Just have Sexted.

Jordan 0:36:48 There's enough on Sexed. I can't do it 2 separate nights. I'm busy, aren't I? It'll have to be on a weekend. I'll get you all together.

William 0:36:53 No, just do us. There's enough on the team.

Ben 0:36:56 Yeah, a Sexed soirée.

Jordan 0:36:57 Well, do you know what? Shove it up your ass.

William 0:37:01 What?

Jordan 0:37:03 I'm trying to do a nice thing.

William 0:37:04 No, it is a nice thing, but maybe you do just a Capital Breakfast thing.

Jordan 0:37:07 No, because they said they've not— they like— I'll do a barbecue or something.

William 0:37:10 Oh, look, he's getting stressed already.

Jordan 0:37:13 Right.

William 0:37:14 I'll tell you what, why don't I host the Capital Breakfast one?

Jordan 0:37:17 No, that's true.

William 0:37:17 Basically a guest presenter at the moment.

Jordan 0:37:19 That's true. You never are.

William 0:37:21 This is from Molly. Dear William Jordan, EPB. I go to a perfectly standard public gym. One lunchtime during the absolute carnage that is the 12:00-1:00 PM rush, I noticed a big, hench, bald man camped on the Smith machine. What the dickens is a Smith machine? Sophia? It's like the squat rack, but the bar is connected to it. Ah, thank you very much.

Ben 0:37:44 It's a squat rack, but the bar is connected to it.

William 0:37:47 I patiently waited, convincing myself he must be nearly finished. After about 15 minutes, I finally plucked up the courage to ask as politely as my socially anxious little soul could manage, hi, how many sets have you got left? He laughed. He then said, 12. Sorry, darling. 12?! He was nice about it, not rude or anything. At that point, I briefly considered changing gyms, identities, and possibly countries. I only had my Bulgarian split squats left. Any girly on a quest for a bigger bum knows these are a form of legalised torture. I also have a medical condition affecting my ankles, so they're much easier and significantly less likely to end in an A&E visit when I can use the support of the Smith machine instead of dumbbells. Now, I'm conflicted. Part of me thinks, well, he's paying for his membership, and technically he can spend all day recreating the world's slowest workout if he wants. But the other part of me thinks monopolising one of the most popular pieces of equipment for the best part of an hour during peak lunchtime while doing exercises that could mostly have been done elsewhere is deeply inconsiderate. To make matters worse, I'd seen him let another man work between his sets earlier. So either I completely misunderstood gym etiquette, or I simply wasn't worthy. Sadly, I lacked the confidence to ask if I could work in too. Instead, I wandered out of the gym, silently cursing this man while trying not to fall down the stairs. So please, I need your verdict. Cock or not? Is this normal gym behaviour that I need to get over, or was this hench bald Darling committing a serious breach of gym etiquette. Many thanks, Molly.

Jordan 0:39:09 I think 12 is too much.

William 0:39:13 It's too much.

Jordan 0:39:13 It could have been worse though. It could have been on his phone. You know when you're like waiting and someone's on the phone for 5 minutes in between sets? 12 is too much, but maybe he should have offered and said, do you want to take it in turns?

William 0:39:24 Yeah.

Jordan 0:39:25 Um,

Ben 0:39:26 feels like a bit of everyday sexism.

Jordan 0:39:28 Yeah, it does, Ben. It does. You're right there. Thank you. As a fellow feminist as well, I think you took— why are you laughing at that? That was me being serious. Do you know what gives me the ick? When blokes call themselves feminists. Like, it's— no, no,

William 0:39:42 no, you've just done that. You've literally just done that.

Jordan 0:39:43 I was joking. I am— I like— now I'm getting in, but like, you know when they do it and go, oh, as a feminist, I'm like, yes, we all are. You don't need to— do you know what I mean? Well, we all are feminists. We all agree.

William 0:39:54 Well, not, not everyone is, sadly.

Jordan 0:39:56 Well, otherwise we wouldn't need it. When guys say Like, and wear t-shirts and stuff. Anyway, what I was trying to say is it does sound like he's been a bit sexist there, um, but 12 is too much. You didn't do anything wrong. You don't need to go and hide. Go back to the gym, and next time he's on it, you stand there and say, excuse me, I need to do me Bulgarian squats. I want an ass like Kim Kardashian, so let's take it in turns. Bosh.

William 0:40:19 Yeah, yeah, during peak times— lunchtime, before work, after work— Everyone needs to— whatever the piece of equipment is, whether it's a treadmill, whether it's the Smith machine, I would say maximum 10 minutes on it per person.

Jordan 0:40:32 I'll tell you, Beverly Callard. So she was, um, she used to do like gym classes and stuff.

William 0:40:41 Yeah, because your mum had her exercise video.

Jordan 0:40:43 Yeah, she had loads of exercise videos. She actually— they were like bestsellers.

William 0:40:46 Yeah,

Jordan 0:40:47 but her whole niche, she told me this, Her whole niche was because back in the '80s, '90s, women wanted a small bum. So her exercise classes were to tighten your bum and make it smaller. And she said now everyone wants a big ass, a bigger ass, because of like— yeah, she said it just comes in and out.

William 0:41:05 Yeah,

Jordan 0:41:06 but she used to do like legs, bums, and tums classes and stuff.

William 0:41:08 Did she?

Jordan 0:41:09 Yeah, because that was the thing, to have a small petite bottom.

Ben 0:41:12 What sort of bum would you like to have?

William 0:41:16 I like small petite bottoms.

Jordan 0:41:18 Do ya?

William 0:41:18 Mm.

Jordan 0:41:19 Do ya? Dunno, I've never really thought about it, to be honest. I think me arse is alright. Yeah.

William 0:41:26 We weren't talking about your arse.

Jordan 0:41:28 No, it's what sort of bum would you like?

Ben 0:41:29 Yeah, we were.

Jordan 0:41:30 We were.

William 0:41:31 No, were we?

Ben 0:41:31 Yeah, that's what I was asking about.

Jordan 0:41:33 Okay, I actually am—

William 0:41:35 Show me, show me. Don't show the cameras. Don't be a complete thirsty whore.

Jordan 0:41:39 No, I'm not gonna be. I'm not gonna pout at myself.

Ben 0:41:41 I'm talking about if you go to the gym, To work on your bottom, do you want a small petite one or do you want a big—

Jordan 0:41:47 I've never really thought of it. I just— me arse is me arse, innit?

William 0:41:50 You've just got what God gave you.

Jordan 0:41:52 Yeah, exactly.

Ben 0:41:54 I've got a very small bottom.

William 0:41:55 You do.

Jordan 0:41:56 Thanks.

William 0:41:57 What's your favourite piece of equipment at the gym? Are you a Smith machine person?

Jordan 0:42:03 Favourite machine's probably the vending. We give him stick, but we're better when he's here. You could tell he weren't here last week.

William 0:42:17 That's a bit rude to Jack and James.

Jordan 0:42:18 No, I mean, I know Jack and James love him, but he's our boy, innit? We love Jack and James and Izzy and Zoff.

William 0:42:25 Yeah, Izzy and Zoff weren't here last week.

Jordan 0:42:26 I feel like he gets the best out of me. That moment when we were coming up with that, we were coming up with that idea for the tour. I wish we filmed it. It was a moment. Ben just gets me as a producer, he's like, come on, George, you know, it was a beautiful creative moment, it's like, come on, Jordan.

Ben 0:42:43 I was like, you're nearly there, George, come on, come on, George, you're nearly there.

Jordan 0:42:46 So honestly, Izzy, it was, it was a sight to behold, it was beautiful. Come on, we'll get there. And I said, we just need something when we come, come out after the interval. And anyway, we got there. I said, what we should do is I'll dress as William's mum and William dresses as my mum. And it was a great moment. Anyway, next time.

William 0:43:05 All I'll say is there are 2 moments in Titan Eats tonight that I always think of you at. Because one is something that I wanted to do that you kiboshed, and potentially—

Jordan 0:43:16 I kiboshed?

William 0:43:18 Well, you slash everybody. You, Ben, and Stu. And there's another bit which, in Act 2— it's actually, I'm sort of not really involved. I'm a little bit involved in it, but you will like because of previous conversations we've had about musicals.

Jordan 0:43:34 I always back you up with your creative ideas.

William 0:43:36 Well, you didn't on that one.

Jordan 0:43:37 Oh, I said to you, I said, I'll back you up.

William 0:43:40 Okay.

Jordan 0:43:40 I did remember. You did.

William 0:43:42 You said you'd back me up on the curtain.

Jordan 0:43:43 Yeah.

William 0:43:44 Which I was reminded about on a train.

Jordan 0:43:47 I said, I pulled you aside and said, if you want that curtain, I'll back you up. I said, we're in this together. I said, I couldn't give a shit about curtains, but I'll back you up.

William 0:43:55 And wasn't the curtain a good idea?

Jordan 0:43:56 Yeah, and that Bulgarian curtain looks great in my living room right now, so.

William 0:44:00 It's called an Austrian drape.

Jordan 0:44:01 Oh, what am I thinking about?

William 0:44:02 And it's in my downstairs loo.

Jordan 0:44:04 So Bulgarian curtain and Austrian squats, what am I getting wrong again then?

William 0:44:08 No, Bulgarian squats.

Jordan 0:44:09 Ah, that's the one. All right, okay.

William 0:44:10 No, in all seriousness, what is your favourite gym?

Jordan 0:44:12 I've just nearly fell off my chair again. Anyway.

Ben 0:44:16 Oh wow, that was close. If you fall, if you fall off your chair here— Jordan nearly went off his chair back just then— that's a cracked head.

William 0:44:23 So we never noticed the blood up the wall because it would just be more red.

Jordan 0:44:26 I had a nosebleed this morning. Just reminded me. What's that all about?

William 0:44:33 Well, it's because you had a nosebleed.

Ben 0:44:35 That's quite retro. I feel like nosebleeds are like, they should be in the same folder as like quicksand. They only existed like 20 years ago.

Jordan 0:44:42 Yeah, only at primary school I had a nosebleed.

William 0:44:44 Well, that's lovely. No, in all seriousness, what is your favourite machine at the gym?

Jordan 0:44:47 I don't know.

William 0:44:49 What, are you a cardio girl? Are you a weights girl?

Jordan 0:44:52 I, um, I like the free weights, so I don't really use the machines. I'm more of a free weights. I like the leg machine. The one where you do the— I don't know what they're

William 0:45:02 called. Uh, yeah, this is leg extension. Leg extensions. Oh,

Jordan 0:45:06 oh, feel that thigh. Feel that there. Feel that.

Ben 0:45:08 No, that's your calf.

William 0:45:09 That's your calf as well.

Jordan 0:45:10 Calf. No, the other side. Oh, I know, but— Touch it. Slap it. Oh yeah.

William 0:45:15 You have— I mean, you haven't got calves like me.

Jordan 0:45:17 No, you've got the best calves.

William 0:45:18 Thank you very much.

Ben 0:45:19 What's your favourite machine, William?

Jordan 0:45:20 Oh, for God's sake, can we move on please? I've been trying to move it on for 5 minutes.

William 0:45:24 I like the— is either the the ab or adductor, where you sit there and you go, woo! And you push your legs out.

Jordan 0:45:30 Babe, that won't give you abs.

William 0:45:31 No, I know, but it's called the ab or adductor.

Jordan 0:45:33 Oh, is that the one with the legs? Yes. Oh, right, sorry. I thought you meant the abs machine.

William 0:45:37 Oh no, it's not for abs.

Jordan 0:45:38 Well, they will give you abs, but—

William 0:45:39 Well, no, because you're exercising your thighs. Yeah. Anyway, what's your second favourite machine in the gym?

Jordan 0:45:46 Oh god.

William 0:45:48 This is from Polly. Hi boys, I've recently been to see Titanic in London with my lovely daughter Rose, after she booked specifically to see William play the part of Rose's mum. No relation. to either of us, which we both loved. William was hilarious and made us laugh throughout the whole show, so thank you for that.

Jordan 0:46:03 That's epic. I can't wait to see it.

William 0:46:04 What is the etiquette when waiting at the stage door after the show when other actors appear that were also very entertaining but not the actor you were waiting to see? Do you politely ask for their autograph and photo, and how long should you wait for your favourite actor in case they do appear, or not, as sadly was the case? I do, however, have a picture of you wearing the particularly fetching headband and pearl necklace Yours in hope of 2 signed photographs, Polly. P.S., we both love the podcast.

Ben 0:46:27 I can take this one.

William 0:46:29 All right. Oh, okay. Oh, what, because—

Ben 0:46:32 It's a joke because sometimes I might have come out backstage after a Sex Ed show.

Jordan 0:46:37 Everybody wants your picture.

Ben 0:46:38 And people humoured me asking me for a picture, and I was like, I'm not the star.

Jordan 0:46:42 Everybody wants your picture. It's fine. Izzy.

Ben 0:46:45 They're on the way.

Jordan 0:46:46 And they're like, oh my God, are you Chance the Rapper? And she's like, yeah, oh, you want a picture of me, diva?

William 0:46:53 Says it on my t-shirt.

Jordan 0:46:55 And then they go, are you Social Joan? And she's like, yes. She just stares at them until they're uncomfortable. And she goes, okay. And then they just walk off.

William 0:47:08 Hilarious.

Jordan 0:47:10 Yeah, what is it?

William 0:47:12 Oh, I think, yeah, in all seriousness, anyway, you know, it is particularly with things like Titanic, which is such an ensemble piece, you do want to say well done, or, you know, people bring programmes, get everyone to sign the programme. You do want to say something. You don't have to sort of necessarily have long conversations with everybody, anyone that walks through. They've all worked as hard as anyone else. So yeah, you do. I would say you say something. Yeah. Yeah. And I know exactly which show they came to, and I know exactly why I didn't do stage door, which I have been doing every night, because I had to go and do some interviews in my dressing room. So I'm sorry. And it was in between shows, so I didn't leave the theatre.

Jordan 0:47:43 Oh, who did you do interviews with?

William 0:47:45 Well, various people. Press. You know, it was actually not for Titanic, it was for something else.

Jordan 0:47:51 Just imagine you there in your cravat.

William 0:47:53 Martini in hand.

Jordan 0:47:55 Come on in, darling. Come on into my dressing room. So to get in character with this, I actually went on a cruise with P&O for 2 weeks to just try and emulate what Ruth would have been going through, not only as a mother, but as a woman.

William 0:48:12 No, so my friend suggested that I should maybe get on board the sort of the speaking circuit on cruise ships. And I said, I don't think after this, A, I can get on a cruise ship because we're talking about sinking every night, so I think I need a break. And also I need to go beyond cruising.

Jordan 0:48:26 Yeah. Oh, I've been watching— have I told you I'm in a bit of a black hole, like hyperfixating on Costa Concordia at the moment? It's fascinating.

William 0:48:38 Right.

Jordan 0:48:38 Should never have happened, that. No. No, terrible.

Ben 0:48:41 You've said that before.

Jordan 0:48:42 Yeah, I'm really back into it. There's a new Netflix docu—

William 0:48:45 Well, why— tell you what, why don't we try and make a musical about it and Jordan can be in that? Sinking ship musical.

Jordan 0:48:50 Costa Concordia! I will not go down with this ship! I will not go down with this ship! See? That's fine.

Ben 0:48:59 Needs a bit of work.

William 0:49:01 Yeah.

Jordan 0:49:01 'Cause he didn't. He pissed off. Captain!

William 0:49:04 You could do— You could do the musical— The music of Dua Lipa. You could do the story of the Costa Concordia. Told by Dua Lipa.

Jordan 0:49:15 No, we need someone like— another Canadian. Drake?

William 0:49:19 Drake?

Jordan 0:49:20 Shania Twain.

Ben 0:49:21 Shania Twain.

Jordan 0:49:23 That don't impress me much.

William 0:49:24 Yes, that's when the captain walks off.

Jordan 0:49:28 You've got a cruise ship, but have you got the touch? Don't get me wrong, yeah, you keep me all night.

Ben 0:49:34 You could also have—

Jordan 0:49:35 But you're sinking your ship in the middle of the night. Costa Concordia! Let's write it! Let's pitch it!

Ben 0:49:42 Man, I feel like a captain. Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh!

Jordan 0:49:48 Oh, I'm gonna write this!

William 0:49:50 Let's go down.

Jordan 0:49:51 Sorry to the people involved in Costa Concordia.

William 0:49:56 Just for contractual reasons, I am in no way associated with that musical.

Jordan 0:49:59 Get over yourself.

William 0:50:00 We'll finish with this one from Luke. Hello, William Jordan and the Sexed My Boss team. My dilemma is fairly short, so I'll get straight to it. I've been speaking to a girl, For around a month. Come to the right place. For a month and a half who lives in my state.

Jordan 0:50:12 You're still the one I want. Sorry, I'm still not got it.

William 0:50:16 But is a 2-hour drive away. We matched on Tinder whilst I was visiting family. I'm due to visit her in mid-July and I'm very excited about this despite one thing. We've recently had the bodies conversation.

Jordan 0:50:25 What's that?

William 0:50:26 I opened up about how I felt my body count of 8 was perhaps normal, if not a little high for a 26-year-old considering I lost my virginity at 20.

Jordan 0:50:35 Fine, don't be telling people your body count.

William 0:50:37 No. At which point we enjoyed the fact that we both lost it at the same age. The girl I'm speaking to, however, admitted to not knowing the exact number of bodders she's had, but that it's definitely no more than around 60.

Jordan 0:50:48 Fair play.

William 0:50:50 The revelation has made me feel quite inadequate despite doing my best to see the context behind this, in my opinion, quite high number of sexual partners. As she stated, most of these partners were at a time of her life where she was a little bit of a hedonist. and was quote unquote going through a lot. I really like her and I really see a future with her, but I'm struggling to come to terms with her having such a high number of partners compared to me. Do I bring up my feelings of inadequacy to her or keep hiding them?

Jordan 0:51:13 Luke,

William 0:51:14 why did you have that conversation to begin with?

Jordan 0:51:16 Luke, come here, pal. There's going to be a few tough words here, right? Listen here, I know it's affecting you, and there's many lads who are listening and would— it would affect them if their other half had, had sexual partners, as many as that. But just, it's not a thing. Doesn't matter.

William 0:51:39 No.

Jordan 0:51:39 It doesn't matter if she's slept with 60, 600, or 6. It doesn't matter. It's 2026. We don't judge. It's fine. We've all had our fun. We've all had our days, you know. So put that eyebrow down, put that eyebrow down right now. I'm trying to be serious here. Okay. Don't raise your eyebrow at me, son. Sorry.

William 0:52:01 So, uh, Botox will kick in on Saturday.

Jordan 0:52:03 Thank God. Yeah. So, uh, yeah, please, please try and get over this. It's not an issue, all right? It doesn't matter. And if the shoe was on the other foot and you'd had 60 and she— so just try and get over it. That's my advice. Although I know it's—

William 0:52:18 Get over it or get under it.

Jordan 0:52:19 And if you can't, if you can't, you're gonna have to move on because you, you will have that that resentment there, and it'll turn— it'll turn into resentment if you get into a relationship.

William 0:52:29 I have nothing further to add. I think what you said was perfect. Thank you.

Ben 0:52:33 Yeah. Also, I wouldn't say like 8 is enough. Is he saying like he could feel inadequate? I'm like, 8 is a good enough number. Like, 8 isn't—

William 0:52:41 I mean, he's written 8.

Ben 0:52:42 I mean, there's no good number, there's no bad number. 0.8.

Jordan 0:52:47 Oh, oh, is 8 your number? Oh, that's sweet. For the record, do you want to deny that?

Ben 0:52:54 No comment.

Jordan 0:52:56 Okay, fair. Oh, I'm a bit less than that, so— That gets the biggest laugh of the podcast.

William 0:53:10 Really? I've got a question for you.

Jordan 0:53:16 I'm not.

William 0:53:17 What's your least favourite piece of equipment at the gym?

Jordan 0:53:20 Oh, for God's sake. Thank God. Um, oh, the one with the strings that you pull to—

William 0:53:30 Oh, fly machine.

Jordan 0:53:31 Yeah, the fly machine. Yeah.

William 0:53:32 I love the fact I know the name.

Jordan 0:53:33 I know. Yeah, get you. Yeah. Still haven't seen you in our gym lately.

William 0:53:39 Because you don't want me there.

Jordan 0:53:41 I don't.

William 0:53:42 You're in your head about it.

Jordan 0:53:42 For whatever reason. Can I just say, I I go in there, it's like a social now.

William 0:53:47 See anyone?

Jordan 0:53:47 Yeah, I hear that. I'm going for a pint with Jimmy tomorrow.

William 0:53:49 Oh, nice. Who's Jim? What, Hill?

Jordan 0:53:50 Jimmy Hill, yeah. He goes in there all the time now.

William 0:53:52 I haven't seen him either. To be fair, I'm not going very often because of, you know, Titanic. Yeah.

Jordan 0:53:58 All right, thank you for your questions and dilemmas. Remember, you can listen to new episodes every Tuesday and Friday and 24 hours before anywhere else on Global Player. And you can watch us on YouTube as well. We put the full episodes up on every Pre-release day, just head to YouTube and search for Sexed.

William 0:54:12 See you on Friday.

Jordan 0:54:13 Goodbye.

William 0:54:14 Goodbye. That

Jordan 0:54:16 was a burpy hiccup goodbye.

William 0:54:17 Let's do it nicely.

Jordan 0:54:18 Goodbye.

William 0:54:18 Goodbye.