Campest Modes Of Transport | And Jordan’s Magic Carpet

Jordan 0:02:05 Can I do a Big Bert before we start?

William 0:02:11 Can you leave the room? Oh no. No,

Jordan 0:02:16 I won't do it.

William 0:02:16 Then don't. You don't need to— just swallow it. Don't need to be told twice.

Jordan 0:02:22 Hello and welcome to our Friday episode where we see how much extra content we can squeeze squeeze into your week. Random things that have been sent in and what's been going on with you, our wonderful GNDivas, and how our advice went down with you, our wonderful GNDivas.

William 0:02:43 Nearly. How are you? You're right, I'm good.

Jordan 0:02:46 Yeah, yeah, good, nice, good.

William 0:02:48 That's a funny colour top. What colour would you say that top is?

Jordan 0:02:51 Salmon.

William 0:02:53 That's not salmon. That's salmon that's off.

Jordan 0:02:54 That's salmon. It's Scottish sea salmon.

William 0:02:58 You are colorblind and that is not salmon.

Jordan 0:03:00 Pink?

William 0:03:00 Puce.

Jordan 0:03:01 I beg your pardon?

William 0:03:02 Pink puce. Would you— can someone Google puce the colour and just see if it matches?

Jordan 0:03:06 Puce. Sounds like one of your schoolmates, that. Oh, Puce, come along. Mummy's dropped off some oranges, and we're going to help— what?

William 0:03:14 No, it is too dark. It's like a pale puce.

Jordan 0:03:16 It's just— it's salmon.

William 0:03:18 It's not salmon! Who thinks that's salmon?

Jordan 0:03:21 That's still not— I'm out

William 0:03:24 now. Jordan's doing a salmon impression.

Jordan 0:03:29 Oh, I can tell it's hot again. Everyone's being aggy today. Come in and drink a full fat Coke and everyone—

William 0:03:36 It's because you started burping at everyone.

Jordan 0:03:39 I didn't burp. A belch happened to slip out.

Ben 0:03:43 I would say, I would describe what happened as several belches.

Jordan 0:03:47 You had a right sense of humour failure.

Ben 0:03:49 I think a burp is within itself. A belch is like— Outward, and you just— it's outwardly belching into the room. Disgusting.

William 0:03:56 Could we also— I don't know if you were here or not, but I took a photo of the conversation happening. Producer Ben talking to Zofia, our technician, at the start of this recording, saying, Zofia, I prefer it when I have the larger tripod for my microphone.

Ben 0:04:16 Like, can we just talk about this? I thought that had gone under the radar.

William 0:04:19 I'm talking about a diva. There's only one?

Jordan 0:04:21 Is that what he's asking? I prefer A larger tripod. Oh yeah, look. You know, there's only one large tripod in this podcast, and it's that man.

Ben 0:04:30 He's pointing at William.

Jordan 0:04:32 Did they call you the tripod at school? Is that true? That's what your mum told me.

William 0:04:37 I hope she didn't.

Jordan 0:04:39 Said, darlings, he's very well endowed. Oh. They called him—

William 0:04:42 That is so weird that you think that that is what mothers and sons talk about. It might be in your family.

Jordan 0:04:49 Well, no, my mum wouldn't talk about that.

William 0:04:50 No, I know she wouldn't.

Jordan 0:04:51 Why is everyone having a bloody go at me today? She would let me in tune.

William 0:04:54 I was trying to be funny.

Jordan 0:04:56 Christ!

William 0:04:56 Well, try a bit harder.

Jordan 0:04:58 I was— Jesus. Right, well, I'll just be boring old Jordan today and see how many people listen to this episode. Fine.

William 0:05:07 We have record listening figures.

Jordan 0:05:08 Plain old, dull, boring me. Are we ready?

William 0:05:15 Jordan, you mentioned that you're thinking about getting a Vespa.

Jordan 0:05:18 Yes.

William 0:05:18 We asked our GND viewers what the campiest mode of transport is, because I think a Vespa is pretty camp.

Jordan 0:05:22 It's not camp!

William 0:05:23 It is. Jamie Oliver has one. You will make it camp.

Jordan 0:05:27 No, I'll be like, I'll get on, I'll check my mirrors.

William 0:05:31 Yeah, exactly.

Jordan 0:05:31 Do my lipstick, pluck a nose hair.

William 0:05:34 Oh, that's not camera, that's disgusting. Lots of people said those gaudy tuk-tuks you get in touristy places with lights and flowers and feathers, the sooner they get banned in London, the better.

Jordan 0:05:44 And also, they're a bit of a rip-off, them. Do you remember when we—

William 0:05:46 Oh, of course they are.

Jordan 0:05:47 Yeah.

William 0:05:48 I don't know if I've ever told this story, but I was on a tuk-tuk. I've only been on a tuk-tuk once, or as we call it for short, a tuk. And in 2012, I was looking after a child, a Middle Eastern member of the royal family child, and we'd just been to the theatre and they were outside and he wanted to take one back to our hotel. So it was his mother, me, and him, him in the middle, and we were going through this tuk-tuk. I mean, I was wanting to die because it was awful and cringe, but he was enjoying it. But it was also London Pride. Oh, no. that weekend. And as the route from the theatre, which I think was Drury Lane, through to the hotel was via Soho.

Jordan 0:06:29 Wow.

William 0:06:29 Yeah. So this 7-year-old— we're going through Soho on a tuk-tuk, which is slow compared to a car.

Jordan 0:06:37 During Pride.

William 0:06:38 During Pride. And there are all sorts on the streets, including men with inflatable penis balloons, as I'm having to go, look at the night sky, and draw attention to anything that was not at eye level. And that is my story of a tuk-tuk.

Jordan 0:06:52 I did— what music were they playing?

William 0:06:54 I actually don't think they were playing music because we could speak, you know, whereas now they are so loud.

Jordan 0:06:59 You know I love me Tina. One were playing The Best and I was pissed and going— I went, go on, I'll jump on it until The Best finishes. I'll call you, I need you. Cost me about £20, but it was worth it.

William 0:07:11 You only went for that metre, probably.

Ben 0:07:13 We didn't actually speak about the fact that the team went to see William at Titanic.

William 0:07:18 No, well, I'm basically out of the show now.

Ben 0:07:21 Ah, well, there we go. We had a lovely time, but beforehand we were walking through Soho looking for a place to have a drink.

William 0:07:26 You ended up in a bear pub, I am reliably informed.

Ben 0:07:29 I had no idea what that is. Still don't.

Jordan 0:07:32 Oh, I know the— I do know the one on Old Compton Street.

Ben 0:07:38 There were flags outside it with paw prints on it. And we were like, why? What is this?

William 0:07:44 Ben thought it was the Beanie Baby Club.

Jordan 0:07:46 I knew that one when there was a New York Cup. Outside. Big fella with a crop top. And I thought, what's NYPD? And I'm like, oh, right, yeah.

Ben 0:07:55 What is a bear pub?

Jordan 0:07:57 Is that the Admiral? No. Was it the Admiral?

William 0:08:00 Duke of Wellington, I think. Duke of Wellington. Yeah.

Ben 0:08:02 What is the— how does a bear pub differ to a bear cub?

William 0:08:05 What? A bear pub is just a pub frequented by bears, which is an older, hairier gay male.

Jordan 0:08:12 What's a cub pub?

William 0:08:15 A younger, hairier gay male.

Jordan 0:08:16 Okay. What's an otter pub?

William 0:08:19 Otter's Cub's kind of the same thing, I think.

Jordan 0:08:22 Oh, is it?

William 0:08:23 Yeah, anyway, Ben's been back every night.

Jordan 0:08:24 Oh, they'd eat you alive last night.

William 0:08:27 Yeah, I know, that's why he goes.

Jordan 0:08:28 Thought you had a limp. Okay, I'll… you in there.

William 0:08:33 I love seeing Ben's slightly shocked face.

Jordan 0:08:36 Alright, let's do some other camp modes of transport. What else have we got?

William 0:08:41 Maisie said the Elizabeth Line. I wouldn't call it camp. I'd call it executive. Although Tottenham Court Road, we've got Ian, the lovely camp Tube announcer. So he makes it a bit camp, I guess.

Jordan 0:08:51 And will Ian be minding you calling him camp?

William 0:08:53 No, I think Ian will love it. Okay. Stephen, Cara, Jeremy, and others said a sedan chair, which is what I would actually—

Jordan 0:08:59 What the hell's a sedan chair?

William 0:09:00 You know what it is. It's where you have sort of 4 strapping men each side of you, and it's—

Jordan 0:09:04 Is that what they're called?

William 0:09:06 Yeah.

Jordan 0:09:06 Yeah.

William 0:09:07 And you get carried.

Jordan 0:09:08 That's when you know you've made it, when you're in one of them.

William 0:09:10 Ben has one of those at the Bear Pub.

Jordan 0:09:11 I bet he does.

William 0:09:15 Kai said an ostrich. Yeah, I don't know if you can actually sit on an ostrich. You might get just projected off. We don't recommend it, but if you've ever sat on an ostrich, let us know. Tasha said a pedal boat.

Jordan 0:09:27 Very camp.

William 0:09:27 Pedalo is very camp.

Jordan 0:09:29 Really camp, yeah.

William 0:09:30 Hugh said walking fast because slow walking is for the heterosexuals. He was gay. Yes, normally when I look and go, if I put directions from X to Y and it says 15 minutes, I do that instead. 7, because I'm gay, so I walk faster.

Ben 0:09:42 I walk fast.

William 0:09:44 QEG. Daryl said a— I don't know why you're laughing. Mince is to the Duke of Wellington, isn't he? Hello, boys.

Jordan 0:09:59 I'll have a pint and a bear, please.

William 0:10:05 Daryl said a Fiat 500.

Jordan 0:10:07 There he comes.

Ben 0:10:07 I'll have a bear and a Moretti.

William 0:10:09 I only ruined it.

Jordan 0:10:11 I'm gonna shove that button up his arse, like that bear did last night.

William 0:10:15 Beth said a gondola. Oh, gondolas are so camp. I love a gondola.

Jordan 0:10:20 Oh yeah.

William 0:10:21 Have you been to Venice?

Jordan 0:10:22 I've never been to Italy.

William 0:10:23 You are missing out. It's so much better than Spain. I've said this before. Gondolas are fun.

Jordan 0:10:29 Yeah, but they don't have tapas in Italy.

William 0:10:31 No, they have cicchetti. It's the same thing.

Jordan 0:10:33 Oh, do they? Yeah. Yeah, but the wine, is it known for the wine in Italy?

William 0:10:36 Spain is not known for wine, are they? For vodka? Yeah, great. Italy.

Jordan 0:10:40 Yeah, fair.

William 0:10:42 Yeah.

Ben 0:10:42 Do you think ITV would commission a William and Jordan's Italian adventure?

Jordan 0:10:47 Yes!

William 0:10:49 Not— only if they want one series.

Ben 0:10:52 The Italian Job.

William 0:10:54 Finn said a cable car.

Jordan 0:10:56 They're not camp.

William 0:10:56 I don't know if cable cars are camp.

Jordan 0:10:58 I disagree there, Finn.

William 0:10:59 They swing a bit, I guess. So that may be slightly camp. But Craig said you, Jordan North.

Jordan 0:11:06 What? How am I?

William 0:11:07 Well, you're just camp.

Jordan 0:11:08 I'm not camp. You are. I'm not camp, and I'm not a mode of transport. Unless I give you a piggyback.

William 0:11:15 You've made me arrive a few times.

Jordan 0:11:16 I hope I haven't. I really hope I haven't.

William 0:11:22 Jordan, if you could pick your personal transport service to take you everywhere, what would you choose?

Jordan 0:11:28 Other than a Vespa? Hmm. A magic carpet. Oh, do you know— Like Aladdin, a rug.

William 0:11:36 Jordan's magic carpet.

Jordan 0:11:39 Like Aladdin, just jumping on a rug and flying around. That'd be great. Hmm. What are you doing, Jord?

William 0:11:45 On the rug? On the rug.

Jordan 0:11:46 What you doing? Do you want a lift? Jump on. Ooh. Ooh. Hey, boy.

William 0:11:51 We should recreate A Whole New World, and we can be Aladdin and Jasmine.

Jordan 0:11:55 Again, didn't we film that?

William 0:11:57 No, we didn't film it, but we should.

Jordan 0:11:58 I'm sure we did.

William 0:11:58 No, because Aladdin can be quite problematic.

Jordan 0:12:01 Can it?

William 0:12:01 When they do it for pantos, have you noticed that pantos have stopped doing Aladdin generally? Or if they have, they found a new way to do it. Ah, yeah.

Jordan 0:12:10 Okay.

William 0:12:11 Because it's often set in China, or— I mean, the Disney film isn't, but again, it's Middle East.

Jordan 0:12:16 I thought it was the Middle East.

William 0:12:17 Yeah, but it can be problematic.

Jordan 0:12:18 Yeah.

William 0:12:20 So generally, pantos have stopped doing it.

Jordan 0:12:22 Can you not sing Arabian Nights now? Because that is a banger.

William 0:12:26 Arabian Nights. Alan Menken. I would say, if I had to choose my own personal public transport, and I think this is probably the campiest mode of transport there is around, and there's only one of them, or actually there might be 2, but you only see one at a time: the Popemobile. Now that is camp. The Popemobile is the height of camp.

Jordan 0:12:48 What about—

William 0:12:48 we're still waiting to hear back from His Holiness.

Jordan 0:12:50 Me and you in one of those little motorbikes, the sidecar things like Wallace and Gromit.

William 0:12:55 Or like the Two Fat Lasers. Yeah.

Jordan 0:12:58 Yes. Yeah, that'd be quite camp, us two.

William 0:13:00 Yeah, with a— oh, what's it called? Not the sidecar. Pillion. No, is riding— I never know. Is riding pillion the thing next to you, or where you're behind someone? Which of us would be in the sidecar?

Jordan 0:13:10 Riding pillion?

William 0:13:11 Yeah.

Jordan 0:13:12 I'm sure I had that on DVD years ago.

Ben 0:13:14 I think it can be both.

William 0:13:15 Which of us would be in the sidecar, and which of us would be— It's normally the butcher one that's on the—

Jordan 0:13:20 from the start. I'd be on the— I'd be on the— I'd be on the— I'd be on the motorbike.

William 0:13:26 No.

Jordan 0:13:26 You'd be in the pillion. Oh, for your Vespa!

William 0:13:29 You could get a little sidecar.

Jordan 0:13:30 For you.

William 0:13:31 For me.

Jordan 0:13:31 Yeah.

William 0:13:32 That would be cute.

Jordan 0:13:33 I am not camp.

William 0:13:34 Right. William Hanson's poll, please.

Jordan 0:13:37 No!

William 0:13:38 Is Jordan North camp?

Jordan 0:13:39 We're not doing this.

William 0:13:40 Yes, no, or yus? Okay, we'll put that out.

Jordan 0:13:47 I unblocked a drain the other day with me bare hands.

William 0:13:51 Sorry, camp people can do that too. You went in? How did you go in?

Ben 0:13:57 What about the, um, in the Steve Coogan film, what, who's he? Partridge. And they've got the sort of mobile studio on a bus. Yes. You could do that, record the podcast on the road.

Jordan 0:14:13 That's a good idea.

William 0:14:14 I'll tell you what isn't camp and what is quite common in terms of public transport. In no particular order, this isn't like a top 3, there are just 3 things that are Not, not very camp. I think a Harley-Davidson.

Jordan 0:14:24 Camp!

William 0:14:25 No, no, no, no, no. The opposite.

Jordan 0:14:27 Manly.

William 0:14:27 I think a coach. Coaches are quite common. I said it. And Teslas.

Jordan 0:14:35 Teslas?

William 0:14:37 I think Teslas are common.

Jordan 0:14:38 Okay.

William 0:14:40 Yeah. Just my opinion. What do you think?

Jordan 0:14:43 I think you're personally attacking me there because—

William 0:14:46 I'm not personally— No, no. Oh, I forget you've got one, but the— I do think Teslas are common. Teslas also always make me feel sick. If I get an Uber that is a Tesla, I cancel.

Jordan 0:14:56 Really?

William 0:14:56 'Cause they make me feel sick.

Jordan 0:14:57 There's no— right. By the way, I've had it about 5 years now. So I got it before he started being a knob on Twitter.

William 0:15:04 X.

Jordan 0:15:05 Whatever it's called. But they— they're great.

William 0:15:10 No, I don't think so. But I'd rather be in a Tesla than a coach. A coach would make me feel absolutely bilious. What do you think is common in terms of transport?

Jordan 0:15:20 Mode of transport? Dunno, really. I don't really judge people like you. I'd never see someone and think, common.

William 0:15:28 How about posh modes of transport? Or as we would say, upmarket.

Jordan 0:15:33 A penny farthing. That's posh. There's a bloke round me who gets on it.

William 0:15:41 Is he Jeremy Vine?

Jordan 0:15:42 He gets on his penny farthing, honestly.

William 0:15:44 Penny farthing? He gets on it.

Jordan 0:15:45 He's like, alright, George, you want out front shop? I'm alright, thanks. Be careful on that. I'm trying to think common. I think it's quite common when you see people cycling with their tops off.

William 0:15:58 Yeah. I

Jordan 0:16:01 mean, they've usually got like shit tattoos. I'm not going to say it.

William 0:16:06 Lycra, I find very common. Yeah. Very, very common.

Jordan 0:16:10 I don't know, really. What's a common mode of transport? Do you still get tricycles?

William 0:16:16 Not really, no.

Jordan 0:16:18 I'd love a little tricycle.

William 0:16:19 You and I could be on a tandem. That could be quite camp.

Jordan 0:16:23 That'd be cute. Me, you—

William 0:16:25 Who's at the front?

Jordan 0:16:26 Me. You're at the back.

William 0:16:28 Yeah.

Jordan 0:16:28 No, I'm at the— I'm gone.

William 0:16:32 Well, we could switch it up. Depends on the journey.

Jordan 0:16:36 When it comes to tandems, I'm pretty versed.

William 0:16:38 Are you?

Jordan 0:16:39 Yeah.

William 0:16:39 No, I would definitely be at the back. Okay. Because I'm taller, so I wouldn't— if, if I went in front of you, you wouldn't be able to see.

Jordan 0:16:47 I've never been on one of them. I've always wanted to go on one of

William 0:16:49 them. I think we should arrange that.

Jordan 0:16:50 Oh, I'll tell you what's pretty camp. Those, uh, carts that the Chuckle Brothers used to have that you cycle in.

William 0:16:58 The carts?

Jordan 0:16:59 It's like a golf buggy.

William 0:17:01 Oh yeah.

Jordan 0:17:01 Yeah. Okay. They used to have them at Butlins in the '90s. They were class.

William 0:17:05 I remember them well.

Jordan 0:17:06 Anyway.

Jordan 0:20:29 All right, Gene Divas, thanks for sticking with us. William, what have we got, please?

William 0:20:31 This is from Anonymous, who's entered the great whites debate with a game-changing recommendation.

Jordan 0:20:36 That bleach is—

William 0:20:37 Ace for whites.

Jordan 0:20:38 Oh, it's so good. Thank you for bringing that into my life.

William 0:20:40 It's a pleasure.

Jordan 0:20:41 Honestly, my towels and everything, my England top the other week, even though we got beat, was sparkling.

William 0:20:47 Is it?

Jordan 0:20:48 Yeah, and I'd got Guinness down it the day, week before.

William 0:20:50 Oh, shush, it was fake tan. We all know it.

Jordan 0:20:54 It annoys me how much he knows me.

William 0:20:57 Hi, William, Jordan, and the Sex Ed team. Recently, I've been bingeing old episodes and listening to the Ace for Whites versus Oxy Crystals chat. I've always been team Ace for Whites. However, there's one big part of making whites white that William is missing out on. Well, or so you think, 'cause I'm going to shock you. I'm surprised Jordan hadn't mentioned it, as it was actually a tip from Melissa's Wardrobe, who we all know knows her stuff when it comes to laundry. She recommended Mrs. Stewart's bluing liquid, and if you haven't tried it, I urge you to get some ASAP. Whilst Ace for Whites uses bleach to remove stains, Mrs. Stewart's uses colour theory to neutralise yellow marks from deodorant, sweat, and even fake tan that bleach can't get out.

Jordan 0:21:33 Oh!

William 0:21:33 By counteracting the yellow tones. Honestly, it's amazing, and a little goes a long way. Love from Anonymous. Anonymous because I have quite a unique name, and my friends would absolutely recognise both my name and my passion for laundry. If they found out I'd chosen to write in about laundry of all things, I'd never hear the end of it. Love you all. I have some. One of my listeners to the other podcast, the Bucketheads, gave me some, and I use it all the time.

Jordan 0:21:55 Is it American?

William 0:21:56 I do believe it is. I don't know if you can get it over here, but it is very good.

Jordan 0:21:59 You should do your own little blog, William's Closet, something like that.

William 0:22:03 Nothing in it.

Jordan 0:22:04 Next dilemma.

William 0:22:08 But it's very good. In fact, you bring your whites over, and I— because trouble with— I would bring you mine to borrow, But it— if it seeps out, it's gonna be a nightmare.

Jordan 0:22:20 What do you mean?

William 0:22:21 Well, because it's like you've killed a Smurf, basically. Because it's this blue blood, and it goes everywhere. You— I have to like really carefully— you dilute it with some water, and then you put it in your laundry softener.

Jordan 0:22:33 Hang on, how would you know? Have you ever killed a Smurf?

William 0:22:35 3. Papa Smurf, dead. Daisy Smurf, dead. Or me. No, I've never killed a Smurf. They're all still alive.

Jordan 0:22:44 A friend of mine had sex with one at uni. You know, fancy dress.

William 0:22:48 Oh

Jordan 0:22:48 yeah. She said there was blue everywhere. All over its sheets, all over him in the morning. Because it—

William 0:22:55 yeah. I used to love the sport.

Ben 0:22:56 I was waiting for a punchline.

Jordan 0:22:57 No.

William 0:22:58 Jamie has a dining query that's got them completely losing their appetite. Dear William, Jordan, EPB, and the Sexton team, I require William's etiquette expertise to settle a debate that's been bothering me for years. When I'm out for a meal, there's one thing that absolutely enrages me. You're happily enjoying your food, and then someone at the table decides it's perfect moment to blow their nose. I find it so unbelievably disgusting that it sends shivers down my spine and almost makes me lose my appetite on the spot.

Jordan 0:23:21 Who would do that?

William 0:23:22 It's the sort of thing that can turn a lovely meal into a scene from a horror film. So what's the correct etiquette here? If you need to blow your nose while eating, should you excuse yourself from the table and go to the bathroom, or at least step outside? Personally, I think that's the only acceptable option. Blowing your nose right next to people while they're eating feels like a direct attack on someone's enjoyment of a meal. I'd really appreciate your guidance so I can finally settle this once and for all, or at the very least have William's Etiquette Ruling to quote next it happens and restore order to the dining table. Thank you for brightening my Tuesdays and Fridays. You always bring a smile to my face and have me crying with laughter every episode. Yours sincerely, Jamie.

Jordan 0:23:57 Yeah, don't blow your nose at the table. No. It's alright to do a little wipe, maybe, if you're running, but I wouldn't blow your nose at the table.

William 0:24:03 Yeah, yeah. Coughing fits, sneezing fits, blowing nose fits, leave the table.

Jordan 0:24:07 Leave the table.

William 0:24:07 Please excuse me. Ideally, once there's no food on the table, or at least after everyone's finished. Don't go during the meal. But equally, if you are having that coughing fit, a choking fit, a sneezing fit, Most people would much rather you did it elsewhere.

Jordan 0:24:18 Or if you're in the line at a buffet.

William 0:24:20 Oh God, no. Definitely don't even go close to the buffet.

Jordan 0:24:23 People think they can go like this, there'll be food there, and they'll go—

William 0:24:26 And yeah, turn away.

Jordan 0:24:28 So I'm saying—

William 0:24:29 Oh no.

Jordan 0:24:29 Piss off. Go over there and spread your germs.

William 0:24:32 You see, this is why I generally don't love buffets.

Jordan 0:24:34 I love a buffet.

William 0:24:35 I like the idea of a buffet. I don't necessarily like it in practice.

Jordan 0:24:40 I've just come back off an all-inclusive holiday and I bloody love it. I love them. I love— they're all you care to enjoy now.

William 0:24:46 Yes.

Jordan 0:24:47 All you can eat.

William 0:24:47 That's what they say at Disney.

Jordan 0:24:49 All you care to enjoy. Ah, thank you. You might change the name, but I will be, uh, getting my money's worth here, pet.

William 0:24:55 Um, Anonymous accidentally became the keeper of a newlywed's biggest secret. Dearest William Jordan and the rest of the Sex Ed crew, I've just caught up on the podcast after starting from episode 1 last year. I was listening—

Jordan 0:25:07 Wow.

William 0:25:07 To Help, Can I Dry Hump a Virgin? And wanted to share a story that might make the listener attending a wedding solo feel a little better. Sometimes it's better not to know anyone. A few years ago, I went to a uni friend's wedding on my own. I was nervous, but knew a few people from the Hindu, so I thought I'd be fine. Not long after arriving, I spotted the only other person there from uni, a guy I'd had a very sloppy and disappointing one-night stand with years earlier. We hadn't spoken since. To my surprise, he came straight over to introduce me to his lovely wife. They told me they were devout Christians who had both saved themselves for marriage. Later in the evening, after a few drinks, his wife happily told me how relieved she was that they'd both been virgins before their wedding night, and that he was naturally good in bed. I, of course, knew this wasn't entirely true, but kept my mouth firmly shut.

Jordan 0:25:53 Good. Correct.

William 0:25:54 You did then. Judging by our one-night stand, he certainly wouldn't have had to pretend much to convince her he'd never done it before. Hopefully he'd learned a few new moves since uni. I spent the rest of the evening politely avoiding the happy couple before catching my train back to Glasgow the next day. At least he managed to find one thing beginning with C. Christ. Rrr, blood. Hopefully your solo wedding goes a little more smoothly than mine. Lots of love, anonymous.

Jordan 0:26:22 Yeah. Yeah, great letter, but don't judge someone sexually on a one-night stand at uni.

William 0:26:27 No, I think they are more judging the fact that they've got married.

Jordan 0:26:31 I'd never get out of bed in the morning.

William 0:26:35 I think they're more judging that they got married thinking— or the wife thinking that the— I assume husband was a virgin. And he's clearly been putting it back, 'cause it won't just be with your—

Jordan 0:26:46 You did the right thing not to say, oh.

William 0:26:47 You did the right thing.

Jordan 0:26:47 'Cause most people have to drink, they'll be like—

William 0:26:51 Hmm.

Jordan 0:26:51 Yeah.

William 0:26:52 Why are you drawing around your hands? I don't know. Funny little boy.

Jordan 0:26:55 Drawing my hand.

William 0:26:56 Anonymous has a story that proves there really is a—

Jordan 0:26:59 Sorry, did you say funny little boy?

William 0:27:01 You are a little funny little boy. Anonymous has a story that proves there really is a time and a place to take your shoes off. After listening to your most recent episode where you discussed whether it was acceptable to remove your shoes in certain situations, it reminded me of something that happened at work. I'm an audiologist working privately in an optician's, and I had an elderly man come in for a hearing test. As soon as he came into my clinic room, without any warning, he removed his trainers and socks. I then spent an hour and a half trapped in a hot room in the middle of a heatwave with a pair of old sweaty man toes staring at me. Oh! I suppose my question is, how do you politely ask someone not to be barefoot in my clinic room? Love listening to you guys. Anonymous, for job purposes. I think it's very easy. Go, could you please put your shoes back on?

Jordan 0:27:41 Yeah, sorry. It is, it's a polite way of killing you.

William 0:27:44 I'm not a podiatrist. Pop your shoes back on.

Jordan 0:27:46 Are you all right? Just pop your shoes and socks back on. I'm just checking your ears.

William 0:27:49 Not, are you all right? Don't be too nice. Please put your shoes back on.

Jordan 0:27:51 Yeah, why would you take your socks and shoes off to check your ears?

William 0:27:54 Yeah. I think that's very odd. Talking of camp, difference between a chiropodist and a podiatrist. I don't know. I think, but chiropodist sounds a bit camper than a podiatrist.

Jordan 0:28:05 Do they both do feet? Yeah. Maybe one specialises in toes.

William 0:28:09 Maybe. Iz is interested now.

Jordan 0:28:12 Could imagine Ben being a chiropodist if he weren't a radio— a podcast producer.

William 0:28:17 I will look into the difference between a podiatrist and a chiropodist. I'm sure there is one, but I don't know what it is.

Jordan 0:28:22 Well, you could Google it, couldn't you?

Ben 0:28:23 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come back next week for more.

William 0:28:25 Tune in.

Ben 0:28:26 Goodness me.

William 0:28:28 Who was it? Who was the radio presenter I said a few weeks ago was going to be a chiropodist or a podiatrist? One of them. Charles? Was it Adrian Charles? Yeah.

Ben 0:28:37 Ask him.

William 0:28:39 I will ask him. I'll send him a DM. We'll finish with our comment of the week, and this can be a comment from— oh, this is you, but whatever. No, tell you what, why don't you do the comments of the week?

Jordan 0:28:50 All right.

William 0:28:50 Okay, we'll finish with our comment of the week. This can be a comment from Spotify, YouTube, Or any of our socials.

Jordan 0:28:57 Before we go to our favourite one, here are some honourable mentions. Keith mentioned on Instagram— keep this way, I don't read them. Keith mentioned on our Instagram carousel featuring Jordan at Titanic to say, I was sitting right behind Jordan, did not smell any scotched eggs. Jordan said he had a scotched egg just before the show. Yeah, and I was, again, I was doing a few horrible burps there. Sorry.

William 0:29:20 Maybe we've got a problem.

Jordan 0:29:21 Yeah. Lord George commented on YouTube to say, take William's gay card away for only knowing one Adele song. Though Tiddy Bits countered that, saying—

William 0:29:30 Tidy Bits.

Jordan 0:29:30 What?

William 0:29:31 Tidy Bits.

Jordan 0:29:32 Tiddy Bits, eh? Tidy Bits. Just Tiddy Bits, eh?

William 0:29:34 No, it's one D. I've got my

Jordan 0:29:35 readers on.

William 0:29:36 Don't put an extra D where it's not needed.

Jordan 0:29:38 Although, Tidy Bits countered that and said, not all gay folk are fans.

William 0:29:42 Quite right. Set Fire to the Rain.

Jordan 0:29:45 Set fire to the rain.

William 0:29:46 That's quite a good one.

Jordan 0:29:47 Till it rained. Our comment of the week though, uh, comes from Kate, who commented on Spotify and said, I just realised I've been listening to this podcast for a full year on 1.8x. I'm horrified. Will that make us sound sped up?

William 0:30:01 Yep.

Jordan 0:30:02 Oh my God, that'd give you a headache.

William 0:30:05 Can you ever— can you remember when I had the fire? Talking of Adele, you remember when I had the fire in Manchester?

Jordan 0:30:10 I mean, a bit dramatic. Your chip pan had a flame on

William 0:30:14 My chip pan did not— Right, for a start, I don't have a chip pan.

Jordan 0:30:17 It was— Can I just counteract this for everyone in the room and everyone listening right now? William's gonna tell a story. It was a little fire.

William 0:30:25 Ah, excuse me!

Jordan 0:30:27 Oh shit, no, it was your cupboard, weren't it?

William 0:30:30 Yes! It was an electrical fire.

Jordan 0:30:31 It was an electrical fire, sorry.

William 0:30:33 I had 5 firemen in my room.

Jordan 0:30:35 Yes. What about the fire?

William 0:30:37 Luckily, they were there at the time. And Hello, the song Hello by Adele, my friend, um, was on. And so Mikey filmed this video. Can you not remember this? This is in the cupboard. It's me lip-syncing. He opens the cupboard door, and because the wall had been bashed in— we'll pop that up.

Jordan 0:31:06 Yeah, we'll pop that up.

William 0:31:07 That's good. Good, good lols.

Jordan 0:31:08 Was that in Manchester?

William 0:31:09 That was in Manchester.

Jordan 0:31:10 What year was that?

William 0:31:11 2015.

Jordan 0:31:12 Is that when Hello came out? Yep.

William 0:31:14 Wow. So I do— so Hello, Skyfall, Set Fire to the Rain. Gay card.

Jordan 0:31:20 Never mind, it's great. I'll find someone like you. I wish nothing but the best for you.

Ben 0:31:29 It's quite close to the tune.

William 0:31:34 The lyrics are there, just about.

Jordan 0:31:36 I'd love to. I've never seen her live. I'd love to.

William 0:31:39 Right, my go. Remember, you can listen to—

Jordan 0:31:41 No, I do them bits.

William 0:31:41 You've just—

Jordan 0:31:42 No, because people don't like going out of routine. You know what it's like when we change the studio. Remember, you can listen to new episodes every Tuesday and Friday and 24 hours before anywhere else on Global Player. If you want to get in touch about something that isn't a dilemma or a problem, you can drop into our DMs or send us an email to help@sexwithmyboss.com. We also love hearing back from the people we offer advice to. So if that's you, get back in touch and we'll see you on Tuesday.

William 0:32:05 Goodbye.

Jordan 0:32:05 Bye-bye.