Help I’ve Been Wiping My Face With His D*ck Towel | And EVERYONE’S Horny

Jordan 0:01:02 Hello and welcome to Help I Sexed My Boss, the podcast where we help you navigate the challenges of modern life, answering your 21st century questions and finding solutions to those everyday dilemmas. Like, what should you do when your mum becomes a gay icon after wearing an I Heart Gays t-shirt? Go on. What's your mum called? Sarah. Sarah. Or, how do you admit to your partner you need to get a spreadsheet out to track your body count? And of course, what should you do if you've accidentally sexted your boss? But we're not usually lagging the answer, are we, William Hanson, the UK's leading etiquette expert?

William 0:01:39 No, we're not, Jordan North, Capital Radio show host. You're more doodle doodle doo. I'm more any cock will do. It's not normally the way around we do it, actually.

Jordan 0:01:47 I like that.

William 0:01:48 And also, so much to say. That's from Mara, who was inspired by a card she found in Affleck's palace.

Jordan 0:01:54 What's Affleck's?

William 0:01:55 It's in Manchester. I went when I lived there.

Jordan 0:01:57 Oh, Ben Affleck's house?

William 0:01:58 No, I thought it was National Trust, but apparently it's a department store thing. It says, the only difference between you and a cockerel is the cockerel says cock-a-doodle-doo, and you say any cock will do.

Jordan 0:02:09 Very good.

William 0:02:09 Lovely. Well, Mara, you need to pay closer attention to the podcast.

Jordan 0:02:13 There's some very good cards out at the moment, some really funny ones.

William 0:02:15 I love a funny card.

Jordan 0:02:17 There is. Well, there is in Scribbler and stuff.

William 0:02:20 We— someone I know sent a funny card to a relative, a parent, let's put it that way. And the parent was really offended. It wasn't an offensive card, it wasn't like that one, it was just a witticism. And the parent was really offended that they didn't send a sincere card. You know those cards that have poems on them? Yeah. You're going like, you're the best son, or you're the best daughter-in-law I could ever imagine, etc. I can't stand those. It's got to be a funny card.

Jordan 0:02:46 I see. Do you— where are you? I was going to say, where are you on funny cards? Because I always send you funny cards.

William 0:02:50 Yes, I always send— always.

Jordan 0:02:52 Do you send your parents ones?

William 0:02:53 Absolutely.

Jordan 0:02:54 Your parents? I don't send my mum one, but I send my dad one.

William 0:02:57 Do you send your mother a card?

Jordan 0:02:58 I send her a card, but I won't send her a funny one.

William 0:03:00 Oh no, I always send— I've sent my mother one about drinking alcohol. It's her birthday coming up.

Jordan 0:03:05 It was very close to home, darling. I had a sense of humour failure, but thank God it's my birthday, so I was pissed on champagne from 2 nights before.

William 0:03:12 Talking of—

Ben 0:03:13 Hi guys.

William 0:03:14 Oh, hello Ben.

Ben 0:03:15 I would say though that in those card shops, some of the cards are absolutely savage.

William 0:03:19 Yes. My uncle gets the really rude cards. from me because he sends me really rude cards, and I've got him one, I think this year's. It said— it was like a window with night sky and some stars, and it said the Coldplay lyrics, look at the stars, look how they shine for you, and they just were there saying twat. Or maybe something stronger, I can't remember.

Jordan 0:03:37 There's one that's like, you've got a big heart, but your arse is bigger. Happy birthday, Mum. It's just like, Christ.

William 0:03:42 I know, I wouldn't send that.

Jordan 0:03:43 No.

Ben 0:03:44 What do you do with your old birthday cards?

William 0:03:46 I do keep certain ones.

Jordan 0:03:47 I do as well.

Ben 0:03:48 I keep the good ones.

Jordan 0:03:49 I've got a memory box now. It's more of a—

William 0:03:51 You keep forgetting where you've put it.

Jordan 0:03:52 No, but it's turned into like, it used to be a shoebox, but now—

William 0:03:56 Oh, that's used for other things.

Ben 0:03:59 Yeah, isn't that

Jordan 0:04:00 under your bed? No, it's an old hairdryer box now.

Ben 0:04:03 You'll be onto a vacuum cleaner soon.

Jordan 0:04:07 But now I've got like a big MDF box full of memories.

William 0:04:14 An MDF box?

Jordan 0:04:16 The coffin? The cardboard box.

William 0:04:19 Gosh. Well, how lovely. Look, here is a drink for you. It's a little bit on the table, but never mind.

Jordan 0:04:25 Oh, what drink have you got? Gee.

William 0:04:26 Oh, I've gone for— call me old-fashioned. That's too old, though. You don't drink it anyway, so what does it matter? Gin and Dubonnet. This week's toast goes to Misha, whose sister Ella sent in this message: Hi boys, a few years ago I messaged you in the hope of surprising my sister with tour tickets for her birthday. Thanks to you, we ended up coming to see you in London together, and it's still one of my favourite memories. Since then, we've listened to every episode on the way to work, followed naturally by a post-episode debrief where we solve the world's problems and decide who was the funniest that week. It's always William. Fast— I might have added. Fast forward a few years, and I'm getting married in September 2027. My sister, Misha— pronounce Misha because my parents enjoy keeping strangers on their toes— isn't just my sister, she's my absolute best friend. I wondered if you might help me ask her one very important question. Would you be willing to ask Misha if she'll be my maid of honour?

Jordan 0:05:15 Oh!

William 0:05:15 It would genuinely mean the world to me. to us both, and I can't imagine my wedding day without her beside me. Thank you for all the laughs over the years. Whether the answer is yes, no, or absolutely not, I'll still be listening every Tuesday and Friday. Lots of love, Ella Brown.

Jordan 0:05:28 Now, there's a good chance with Ben being in charge of the admin that they've been happily married, might be divorced by now.

William 0:05:34 Onto the second.

Jordan 0:05:35 And this could have been sent months ago, years ago.

Ben 0:05:38 Says— hang on a second.

Jordan 0:05:40 However, if that's not the case, and Ella's still not heard this, then congratulations. Yes. And Misha, she wants to—

William 0:05:49 Misha, would you like to be her maid of honour?

Jordan 0:05:51 Maid of honour.

William 0:05:51 I'm sure the answer is a resounding yes. This is to both you, Misha, and Ella.

Ben 0:05:55 Very great. Can I just come back on that after the nice moment?

Jordan 0:05:58 You know the rules. You have no right to reply on this podcast.

Ben 0:06:01 Well, I do, 'cause I've got a button now. And if it was a handwritten reply, then that would be all the case. But it was an email, so that came in this week.

Jordan 0:06:08 Alright, well, will you email them to let them know that it's gonna be going out on Tuesday so they can listen to it together? 'Cause that'd be a special moment. I think they listen anyway. Yeah, but they might listen ahead.

Ben 0:06:17 The other thing I wanted to just pick up on from that message was, did you spot the bit where it says that each time there's an episode, they vote for who was funniest?

Jordan 0:06:25 Yeah, that's given me a—

William 0:06:26 No, we're not doing that on such a show.

Ben 0:06:27 I think we should do that for this.

Jordan 0:06:29 No, I reckon—

Ben 0:06:30 Today's episode.

Jordan 0:06:30 Yeah, I reckon that's it, you're on.

William 0:06:32 Oh, 'cause you'll win.

Jordan 0:06:33 No, I'm not funny.

Ben 0:06:35 No, you have to.

William 0:06:36 No, I know, but you'll still win.

Jordan 0:06:37 That's a great— see, that's why he's a good producer.

Ben 0:06:39 Well, it crossed my mind that maybe we should do it for the entire back catalogue and have like a— then we'd have a final score. Who could remember episode 1?

William 0:06:47 Episode 402.

Jordan 0:06:48 No, whatever. We'll do this for the socials.

Ben 0:06:50 Yeah, we'll do it for today.

Jordan 0:06:51 For today's episode of Help, I Sexed My Boss, who do you think was the funniest, myself or William? Vote now.

William 0:06:59 William or me.

Ben 0:07:00 Well, don't vote now. We vote at the end of the episode.

William 0:07:02 Yeah. Yeah, let's at least do the episode. I'm actually going to not make any jokes, because I don't— I want— I just can't be bothered.

Jordan 0:07:09 No, don't.

William 0:07:09 They're gonna vote for you anyway, Jordan.

Jordan 0:07:11 When you try to be funny, it's— Never that funny.

Ben 0:07:15 It's a good start!

William 0:07:18 I'm still waiting for you to try.

Jordan 0:07:20 Oh, we've started. We've started.

William 0:07:23 That's a lovely waffle effect top you're wearing.

Jordan 0:07:25 Thank you.

William 0:07:27 Reminds me of a towel.

Jordan 0:07:28 See, when you try, it's not funny.

William 0:07:30 That wasn't— I wasn't trying to be funny. That was just me being a bitch.

Jordan 0:07:34 Anyway, how's your week been, superstar?

William 0:07:36 Yes, it's been absolutely fine, thank you. Thank you for coming to watch me in Titanic.

Jordan 0:07:40 It was amazing. Gene— so many lovely Gene Divas there as well.

William 0:07:45 Yes.

Jordan 0:07:45 Honestly, it was great. Like, I've got to meet so many lovely people that listen to podcasts and were going to see you. It was great. Um, there was a woman there that had been down 3 times to see you.

William 0:07:56 We have people that come every night.

Jordan 0:07:57 Really?

William 0:07:59 Yep.

Jordan 0:07:59 So like, you with—

William 0:08:01 They, they see whoever's in the cast. They, they're not coming because of me. They have seen the show. And let's put it this way, I met— they're all lovely, and I met one of them yesterday. I said hello to one of them yesterday at Stage Door. And she said, oh, I've just booked my 300th ticket. And I said, oh, so what one are you on now? And she said, 75.

Jordan 0:08:18 So, she's gonna watch it 300 times?

William 0:08:21 And she's only now on time 75.

Jordan 0:08:23 Wow.

William 0:08:24 I can't comment. I've seen Mary Poppins 45 times.

Jordan 0:08:27 Can I just say, as we left you, it's great to meet all the cast and stuff after. You were—

William 0:08:31 Yes, I know you've sent them some lovely messages.

Jordan 0:08:33 It was so nice as we, as we were leaving that there was people outside.

William 0:08:38 Yeah.

Jordan 0:08:38 Waiting for you. like he was a big West End star.

William 0:08:41 Like I was a big West End star?

Jordan 0:08:43 Oh, because you are a big West End star.

William 0:08:45 I'm not that big.

Jordan 0:08:45 It was so nice. It was—

William 0:08:48 it is just—

Jordan 0:08:49 Big cheers.

William 0:08:50 Yeah.

Jordan 0:08:51 It's amazing.

William 0:08:52 It's, it's honestly, it's so— when you have good audiences, and you had a, you had a very good audience that night, thank— thankfully. I was always pressured when there are people that you know in, you want the audience to be good.

Jordan 0:09:01 I just wasn't expecting it because you come on, I thought you'd come on like 20 minutes. You're on straight at the start in a parka.

William 0:09:06 Yes, I look a little bit like Noel Gallagher.

Jordan 0:09:09 Yeah, you were. You're like that kid from East is East. Quite a reference, but have a look at it if you've never seen it. I thought, what do you think I do all day, count the mushy fucking peas?

William 0:09:20 I haven't seen that for ages.

Jordan 0:09:23 Growing up in East Lancashire, everybody watched that film.

William 0:09:26 We watched that in RE. I don't really know why.

Jordan 0:09:29 You watched that in RE?

Ben 0:09:30 Yeah.

Jordan 0:09:31 Shut up and get inside and wash your net curtains, you did.

William 0:09:33 It's set in Salford.

Ben 0:09:35 Salford.

William 0:09:36 It's so good.

Ben 0:09:38 podcast started.

William 0:09:39 Yes.

Jordan 0:09:39 Yes.

William 0:09:40 No, but you generally— forget me. I knew you would like that show because you love the film.

Jordan 0:09:44 Yeah.

William 0:09:45 And obviously the show is a parody of the film. And it was so lovely, not just during my bits, but during the whole show. Just like, obviously I can— I know what your laugh sounds like. It's quite— it carries in a good way. Well, it's not— it's— no, it does! No, it's good. You want— you want— you actually do want to hear your audience laugh. But you were— and I could see you, you were loving it.

Jordan 0:10:04 Yeah, I was.

William 0:10:04 With your glasses on.

Jordan 0:10:06 Yeah, I had my specs on.

William 0:10:07 I know.

Jordan 0:10:08 I had to run back to get them. I thought, oh, I need my specs. There was one bit where I filmed, yeah, and I didn't realise—

William 0:10:13 At the end when you're allowed to film.

Jordan 0:10:14 And you looked right at me.

William 0:10:16 Yes!

Jordan 0:10:17 Yeah.

William 0:10:17 I always, if I know where people are sitting, I will sing at them.

Jordan 0:10:20 You were so funny. You were born for that role. Thank you for my mention as well.

William 0:10:23 Yes, I thought you'd like it, and thank you for laughing at it. Thank God.

Jordan 0:10:26 Can we also talk about the fact that, oh my Oh my fecking God, Adele went to see it. Yes. Actual Adele.

William 0:10:33 I mean, honestly, thank God an actual celebrity came to see us, which is just—

Jordan 0:10:36 I'll accept that.

William 0:10:37 Yeah, no. She—

Jordan 0:10:38 Her laugh carries.

William 0:10:40 Yes. And she was sitting much closer.

Jordan 0:10:42 Well, how did that happen? How did Adele end up going?

William 0:10:46 They booked tickets. I mean, you did as well, but they booked tickets.

Jordan 0:10:50 And she went to see it.

William 0:10:51 So an hour before, she was just with some friends. A couple of them had seen it many times before, and others were new to it as well. And literally an hour before, when we finished doing vocal— I know— vocal warm-up, and— which I don't know, why am I there? But anyway, I go along with it. And the company manager says, right, we've got a big star in tonight. And I assumed he'd say, like, my mum, or, you know, something— you know, he was doing a joke. And he went, Adele.

Jordan 0:11:17 What did everyone do? Let me do an impression. So it's all West End stars on stage, and he said, Adele. Okay, okay, okay, okay! Was it a bit like that?

William 0:11:33 Yes, basically. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like as if you were there.

Jordan 0:11:35 Yeah.

William 0:11:36 Well, everyone sort of lost their mind. I was quite calm, because I don't really know any songs other than Skyfall. Good song.

Jordan 0:11:44 She's amazing.

William 0:11:45 Oh no, she— I know she's a big star, and it was lovely to have her.

Jordan 0:11:49 I like, you don't get— when he said a big star, you don't get much bigger than—

William 0:11:52 No, we're still trying to work out who would be bigger.

Ben 0:11:54 How did they know that it wasn't like Adele from Slough?

Jordan 0:11:58 Yeah, 'cause she—

Ben 0:11:59 Did she just fill out— was the ticket just given to Adele, no surname?

William 0:12:02 No surname, yeah.

Jordan 0:12:03 Is it Atkinson?

Ben 0:12:03 It's like it could have been anyone.

Jordan 0:12:04 Atkinson, eh? Adele Atkins. Is it? Atkinson?

Ben 0:12:07 Stuart is saying yes.

William 0:12:09 Yes. Yeah.

Jordan 0:12:10 A-A. And what was it like when she— did she enjoy the show?

William 0:12:13 She loved the show. She loved the show. I mean, we could hear her and see her loving the show, 'cause she was— it's a small theatre, so we, you know, you can see quite a lot. She loved it. She— there's a bit at the end. Obviously, I don't sing, as I have said. But there's a bit at the end where I speak-sing a line. And she wet herself at that. So that was nice. She went, ahh! When I did my thing. And I sort of looked at her and nodded. Thanks very much.

Jordan 0:12:38 This is amazing. This is— and did you do my bit in front of her? Yes. Adele said my name! Did she laugh at

William 0:12:49 that? No, I think she looked confused as to who that was a reference to. Fair. No, to be fair, in my bit where I do that main breakdown, I can't look at anyone really. So I just look at the—

Jordan 0:12:59 Oh, okay.

William 0:12:59 Just the back of the theatre.

Jordan 0:13:02 Yeah. Adele's heard my name! You've performed in front of Adele.

William 0:13:07 Well, and very excitingly, last night we had my friends in The Earl and Countess of Earn, so they've heard your name as well.

Jordan 0:13:12 That, not so much. But Adele's heard my name!

William 0:13:15 Yeah.

Jordan 0:13:16 In the same week you've had Adele and Jordan North visit you.

William 0:13:19 One uptight, under-talented diva.

Jordan 0:13:22 And the other?

William 0:13:24 And Adele. Joking.

Jordan 0:13:28 That's amazing. But it's a very funny show. It's a good show. I enjoyed it. I've got to apologise. I'm so sorry, and I don't do this on purpose, but before, because I'd come— I was working all that day. I can't remember what I was doing last Thursday. Yeah. And then I went to gym because I thought I'll kill an hour. Anyway, I went in pub and I'd had a— I'd had— I'd had a good few. It was known by my friends that I was a bit— I was pissed.

William 0:13:55 I think it helps with the show, to be perfectly honest.

Jordan 0:13:57 I'm not gonna— because I was killing time, so I thought, I'm not gonna go home now, there's no point. So I was killing time, so I think I had 3 pints of Guinness before I met my mate.

William 0:14:05 Yeah, I was watching your location going, well, they're still in the pub, they're still in the pub.

Ben 0:14:10 Oh

Jordan 0:14:10 God.

William 0:14:11 Do we delay the curse?

Jordan 0:14:12 I really hate that location thing. I think it's ridiculous. Um, but then just before I left, because I thought I've not eaten— well, I had, I'd had Guinness, but I thought— so I had—

William 0:14:21 That's not food.

Jordan 0:14:22 So I had a scotched egg from pub, right? And also—

William 0:14:27 Just a Scotch egg?

Jordan 0:14:28 Just a scotched egg.

William 0:14:29 Scotch?

Jordan 0:14:29 No, it's scotched.

William 0:14:30 No, it's not.

Jordan 0:14:31 We've talked about this before, you can say Scotch or scotched. We can.

William 0:14:34 Everyone here is saying no.

Jordan 0:14:35 It's a scotched egg. Anyway, I had it, but then I was doing really horrible eggy burps all the way through first part.

William 0:14:42 Thank God you were sitting in row M.

Jordan 0:14:43 To the point where, like, you know when you're trying to keep burping but you're comes out and it's like— but then you can smell it. And I'm sorry, I know that's disgusting. Sometimes I think burps can smell worse than farts, and I was told off by the people I was with.

William 0:14:57 Yeah,

Jordan 0:14:58 but I'm really worried that the lady next to me might have smelt the eggy burps.

William 0:15:01 Well, probably, yeah, if people next to you that side.

Jordan 0:15:04 It's without a doubt worse than a Scotch eggy burp.

William 0:15:06 Scotch.

Jordan 0:15:06 I just wolfed it down, so sorry for doing that. But other than that, I had a great day. It was so fun.

William 0:15:12 The Very excitingly, tonight at the show, I'm very excited about who we've got in.

Jordan 0:15:17 Who?

William 0:15:18 Stephanie Jones, who played Mary Poppins.

Jordan 0:15:20 Off a fat lunch?

William 0:15:23 No, no, not Stephanie Guffin.

Jordan 0:15:26 Oh, off a fat lunch?

William 0:15:28 Yeah, no, no, no.

Jordan 0:15:29 I thought it was Zizi Strallen.

William 0:15:30 Yeah, Zizi did it in the West End, and then Stephanie did it latterly on tour, which I went to go and see numerous times and met her, etc. She's coming tonight. She's about to go into Les Mis.

Jordan 0:15:39 That's your Adele, isn't it?

William 0:15:40 I probably am a little— no disrespect to Adele, who is lovely. Probably more excited that Stephanie Jones is coming. I think also, who else is coming tonight? I forget. Oh, Arta's parents are coming tonight, which is nice. Not Arta, because she's a bit young. And my friend Anthony. And oh, this lot. Oh, so exciting. Yeah, I knew there were people I was forgetting.

Jordan 0:16:06 You'll have a great time.

William 0:16:06 Yeah.

Jordan 0:16:07 Yeah.

William 0:16:08 Which would be lovely.

Jordan 0:16:08 I'm so proud of you. It was amazing.

William 0:16:10 Bless you. Well, thank you for coming.

Jordan 0:16:11 It was very fun. The lady who plays Celine Dion—

William 0:16:14 Astrid.

Jordan 0:16:14 I was talking like her all day yesterday, 'cause she talks a bit like Celine Dion, and I thought she was brilliant.

William 0:16:20 Can you smell toast?

Jordan 0:16:21 I thought she was great as Celine Dion. She was like, oh my God, this is amazing.

William 0:16:25 She has got the Celine mannerisms down pat.

Jordan 0:16:27 It has. It's spot on. It is. What else has been going on in your life?

William 0:16:31 No, what else has been going on in your life?

Jordan 0:16:32 I'm really into at the moment, Fairy Skip the Soap.

William 0:16:36 Or as you call it in your house, Skip the Soap.

Jordan 0:16:40 Very good. No. So, you know,

William 0:16:43 I've— What is this?

Jordan 0:16:44 Well, I was— I'll always be, I'll always be—

William 0:16:47 Here we go. This is gonna end with gal.

Jordan 0:16:49 Till my dying day, I'll always be a vinegar spray kind of gal.

William 0:16:54 There we go.

Jordan 0:16:54 Right? But vinegar spray's not for your surfaces.

William 0:17:00 No, it makes everything stink of vinegar. Smell like a fish and chip shop.

Jordan 0:17:03 It's to buff and to shine. But, oh, getting bored of my current surface spray. Welcome to your 30s, wherever you're listening to this. So I've seen an advert. I've seen an advert. I'll tell you for why I've seen an advert on Amazon Prime during Clarkson's Farm. And it's called—

William 0:17:18 Oh, you don't pay for—

Jordan 0:17:19 It's called Fairy Skip the Soap, right? And basically you don't have to soak stuff now overnight. You just spray this Fairy spray on it and they're not paying me.

William 0:17:27 So hang on, is this for surfaces or is it for like pans?

Jordan 0:17:29 Well, if you'd let me finish.

William 0:17:30 Okay.

Jordan 0:17:31 So you can spray it on pans, you can do it on surfaces as well, but also it says on the front, encourage you to spray just a bit inside your dishwasher. It all comes out sparkling. Your dishwasher's clean, your dishwasher don't smell anymore. It's honestly, I can't wait to get home each night and do my sink.

William 0:17:46 My dishwasher doesn't smell anyway.

Jordan 0:17:47 Well, yeah, because mine don't. No, just spray your dishes with it and they come out extra shiny, I promise you. And then it makes your sink look really shiny. It's great. But you do, you don't have to soak dishes anymore. Okay. My air fryer, just put the surface, put the thingy on it, leave it a couple of minutes, go and do your other bits, then come back and it comes off.

William 0:18:05 Lovely.

Jordan 0:18:06 So I'm really into that at the moment, William.

William 0:18:08 You just sound so like your mother.

Jordan 0:18:10 I'm really into that at the moment.

Ben 0:18:12 That sounds life-changing.

Jordan 0:18:13 It is. You should get on it, Ben.

Ben 0:18:14 I'm— I've been tempted. I've thought about it. I needed a review like that too.

Jordan 0:18:18 Yeah, I've been influenced. I've been with the same surface cleaner for a couple of years now, you know. You just—

Ben 0:18:24 you want his name?

Jordan 0:18:24 It was, uh, I won't say because it's not fair on the brand. I'll still use that, I'll still buy it, but I'm—

Ben 0:18:28 It was just a joke.

Jordan 0:18:29 Very much going to Just skip

William 0:18:32 the scent. Well, I will give it a go. Can you get it in most supermarkets, or is it an Amazon thing?

Jordan 0:18:36 And I'll mention Flash Bleach, which I still think's the best for your bathroom.

William 0:18:39 Yeah, but you do— and

Jordan 0:18:40 you talked about Flash Bleach when— The bleach spray. The bleach spray is the best for your bathroom.

William 0:18:46 You talked about this when we did the collab with Jonathan, and yeah, you can't use bleach everywhere.

Jordan 0:18:51 No, but in your bathroom.

William 0:18:53 Yeah, but even still, you don't need to use bleach absolutely everywhere.

Jordan 0:18:58 No, you do. Sift for like— When you're doing a big clean.

William 0:19:00 So, well, I would say bleach for a big clean.

Jordan 0:19:04 No, you— Don't

William 0:19:05 use bleach every day.

Jordan 0:19:06 No, but for your bathroom when you do your bathroom. Okay. Bleach spray.

William 0:19:12 Right.

Jordan 0:19:13 Anyway, um, how are you coping in the heat?

William 0:19:15 Um, well, luckily the theatre's air-conditioned, so at work we're absolutely fine.

Jordan 0:19:20 A lot of others aren't, are they?

William 0:19:21 I know.

Jordan 0:19:22 We are—

William 0:19:22 I think a big selling point for our show is that we have got air conditioning. And also 4 floors underground, which helps. But I would say—

Ben 0:19:30 Did the Titanic have air conditioning?

Jordan 0:19:31 That's a great question.

William 0:19:33 Well, it did at the end. It was quite airy.

Ben 0:19:35 Well, quite wet.

William 0:19:36 Yeah.

Jordan 0:19:37 Alright, people perished on that boat. Let's just—

William 0:19:40 Excuse me, you're doing a musical about the Costa Concordia, so you can shut up.

Jordan 0:19:43 Yeah, but I'm just waiting for permission off the families, and it'll be fine.

William 0:19:47 Right.

Jordan 0:19:50 Anyway, carry on. No, they didn't have air conditioning. They wouldn't have had air conditioning back then.

Ben 0:19:54 Did they have to skip the soap?

Jordan 0:19:56 Probably, yeah, because fairies have been around for ages. Shut up, you, carry on.

William 0:20:01 Um, I'm okay today. I'm all in linen, so I'm just adjusting my fabrics rather than start doing, you know, shorts and things.

Jordan 0:20:08 People aren't sleeping well, I've noticed. No.

William 0:20:11 Everyone's a bit agitated. Yeah, a bit, bit crotchety.

Jordan 0:20:13 Yeah.

William 0:20:15 How are you coping?

Jordan 0:20:15 I'm all right, I can't complain.

William 0:20:17 Do you like it though?

Jordan 0:20:18 I've got a good fan in So I'm doing all right.

Ben 0:20:21 Do you not think everyone just looks like just a bit more sort of sexy in the heat?

Jordan 0:20:26 Yeah.

William 0:20:27 Not everyone.

Jordan 0:20:28 Well, let's face it, he's brought a good point to the table here, Producer Ben. And I say this all the time, right? And I'll say this for many a year, especially as— yeah, people look fitter in the sun. And I think it's A, because people dress less, so you see a bit more, and B, let's face it, in the heat Everyone's just mad horny, aren't they? Aren't ya? You know, like when you're on holiday and stuff, everyone's just mad extra horny in this heat. I see it. I see people get on tube, I think, they're horny. I do. I do. What? I do. I can tell. And people I'm working with, fucking, she's like a dog on heat, eh? Like a dog with 2 dicks at the moment. I won't name any names. But I can just tell it. I've got a good hornydar. I can tell when someone's horny. And in this heat, like, there are many G&D-ers listening. I don't know what it is, but people just get mad horny.

William 0:21:31 But I think that's what is so odd, because I do think you are sort of—

Jordan 0:21:35 Jack, don't hide in shame. It's fine. It's perfectly normal. Young lad like you at your age, it's fine. In this weather.

William 0:21:42 He's older than us, but okay.

Jordan 0:21:44 Forget that.

William 0:21:45 I would say I sort of know what you mean. But also, I don't know about you, in an un-air-conditioned bedroom, that is the last thing I would like to do. I absolutely— I've said this before on this podcast. I say to Mikey in about sort of early June, see you in November. No! And that's the end of that.

Jordan 0:22:02 It's part of the fun. It's like Titanic.

William 0:22:04 It's not part— What do you mean it's part— What?

Jordan 0:22:06 When they're all sweaty in the car.

William 0:22:08 Did you like that bit in the show?

Jordan 0:22:09 Beep beep beep beep beep! Did I miss that bit?

William 0:22:13 Yes, they bring on a windscreen.

Jordan 0:22:15 Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That was funny. I can't remember that bit.

Ben 0:22:20 I think we need to put Jordan's hornydar to the test and we can just like go walking around the street up to people saying, you're horny.

Jordan 0:22:26 Well, I can't because that's—

Ben 0:22:27 you're horny.

Jordan 0:22:28 It's not the '90s and on Channel 4. You said it. It's 2026 and I'll probably end up in prison.

William 0:22:33 That's got Big Breakfast written all over it.

Jordan 0:22:35 Yeah, it is. Yeah, it is.

Ben 0:22:36 Horny.

Jordan 0:22:36 Horny.

Ben 0:22:37 Horny, horny, horny,

Jordan 0:22:39 horny, horny. Honestly, everyone's mad horny in this city.

William 0:22:42 Are you horny?

Jordan 0:22:42 No comment. A bit more than usual, maybe. Yeah, but who isn't?

William 0:22:48 And to say where we normally are in the winter, that's—

Jordan 0:22:50 Right, let's not be a dick. So yeah, just, just if you're listening right now and you are horny, that's perfectly fine. It's perfectly normal.

William 0:23:02 Well, yes, it's fine.

Ben 0:23:03 Jordan's big poll.

Jordan 0:23:04 Are you horny?

Ben 0:23:06 Are you horny right now?

William 0:23:07 Not that big from what I hear.

Jordan 0:23:10 It's just— I'm just saying it's perfectly fine.

William 0:23:13 Okay.

Jordan 0:23:14 But you're right, it's everyone, everyone, because people— I'll be out with mates and they'll go, whoa, look at her! And I'm like, sorry,

William 0:23:22 which— I'm on the basis you brought some of your mates on stage. Let me tell you, no one is saying that.

Jordan 0:23:27 I have an array of friends, right? And I'll go, yes, she's an attractive lady, sure, but also you're mad horny at the moment, so anyone could walk in, you'd be like, whoa! I'd chuck that.

William 0:23:40 Again, see previous comment. Do

Jordan 0:23:42 you reckon that's where the saying comes from? Like a doggone heat?

William 0:23:45 No, because I think the heat—

Ben 0:23:48 I mean, heat on, it's a different kind of heat.

Jordan 0:23:50 What is it?

Ben 0:23:50 Heat is like—

William 0:23:52 What is it?

Ben 0:23:53 It's like—

Jordan 0:23:54 I always thought it's because they get next to a fireplace and—

Ben 0:23:57 No.

Jordan 0:23:58 No.

Ben 0:23:58 It's because—

William 0:23:59 Why would they be next to a fireplace?

Jordan 0:24:01 I always thought that saying was like, I don't know why, but in my head, a doggone heat would come in from the cold. and then go up on its hind legs and—

William 0:24:07 And find the nearest fire to be romantic.

Jordan 0:24:10 Yeah, like warm itself up on the fire.

William 0:24:11 Right, no.

Ben 0:24:12 It just means— it's a phrase used for female dogs when they're in the fertile phase of their reproductive cycle and can become pregnant.

Jordan 0:24:20 Heat.

William 0:24:20 Well, there we go.

Jordan 0:24:22 There you go.

William 0:24:22 Any more for any more?

Jordan 0:24:24 No, but now I know you've been super busy lately.

William 0:24:27 Yes.

Jordan 0:24:27 And I know you was meant to do an Etiquetteymology of the Week, but you've had a busy week.

William 0:24:32 Very busy week.

Jordan 0:24:32 And I've had busier weeks, but still never missed Jordan's Jolly Joke of the Week. So, I am gonna help you out today. 8 years, never missed it or changed an episode.

William 0:24:44 Didn't do it for 8 years, actually.

Jordan 0:24:45 Uh, anyway, I'm gonna be doing Etymology of the Week this week.

William 0:24:49 Oh, are you? How lovely.

Jordan 0:24:51 Yeah.

William 0:24:52 What a surprise.

Jordan 0:24:53 So I thought I'd just give you a rest, Saf. It's hard work being a West Yorkshireman.

William 0:24:56 Do you wanna do my show tonight?

Jordan 0:24:57 Uh, maybe.

William 0:24:59 Do you know, I genuinely would love to see you do it.

Jordan 0:25:02 Don't talk to me about unfair! Unfair! Unfair! See, I could do it.

William 0:25:10 It's— the word's fair, but you have to—

Jordan 0:25:12 Unfair is having Botox in your head! Fair! See, I could do it.

William 0:25:16 Wow.

Jordan 0:25:17 That was quite a good impression, weren't it?

William 0:25:18 Oh, it's uncanny, yeah.

Jordan 0:25:20 Fair is still all the comments about Jordan North!

William 0:25:26 Fair?! Suddenly I'm hating my own performance.

Jordan 0:25:29 I thought you were far— far— far— farvulous.

William 0:25:32 Farvulous. I've even done my own, uh,

Jordan 0:25:34 Etiquette etymology of the week jingle.

William 0:25:36 Oh, you've done it, have you?

Jordan 0:25:37 Do you want to hear?

William 0:25:37 Yeah, go on.

Jordan 0:25:38 Here we go.

Speaker F 0:25:39 It's

Jordan 0:25:40 Jordan.

Speaker F 0:25:40 Jordan, the etiquette geek. His knowledge, knowledge quite unique. He'll give your manners, manners a subtle tweak. It's time for Jordan, the etiquette etymology of the week. Cha-cha-cha, cha-cha-cha, cha-cha-cha, cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha. Jordan.

Jordan 0:26:01 Don't waste my evenings.

William 0:26:02 No!

Jordan 0:26:02 Alright, so my Etiquette-ymology of the week is all about picky teas.

William 0:26:10 Honestly, you've got one tune that you play, don't you?

Jordan 0:26:16 Fair! Fair! And I'll tell you all about the Etiquette-ymology of picky teas next.

William 0:29:42 Welcome back, G and Divas. It's time for Jordan's Etiquette-ymology of the Week. He's going to tell us all about something we don't talk about enough on this podcast: picky teas.

Jordan 0:29:52 A picky tea is a plate of assorted snacky bits instead of a proper cooked meal. Think cheese, crackers, pork pies, sausage rolls, crisps, dips, cold meats, any leftovers in the freezer, all picked out rather than plated as a single dish. It has roots in high tea, the original working-class evening meal. The industrial northern English and southern Scotland factory workers came home around 6 in the evening, famished. So, a substantial evening high tea of bread, cheese, vegetables, and sometimes meat evolved to fill the gap. The sit-down, hearty ancestry of today's picky spread. So, like, people would come home.

William 0:30:31 Mm.

Jordan 0:30:31 And they'd be starving. So, you'd have— Yeah. Don't be rude. So, you'd have high tea. The high in high tea refers to furniture, not fanciness. The name comes from being eaten at a high dining table.

William 0:30:43 We've all been there.

Jordan 0:30:44 Unlike the low, comfortable seating used for genteel afternoon tea. So, despite how it sounds, high tea was always the plainer working-class meal, hence why we say tea now. It's the opposite of a posh afternoon tea. Afternoon tea has its roots in the 1800s, with Anna, Duchess of Bradford, Bedford, who got hungry mid-afternoon and started ordering tea and cakes to bridge the gap to a late dinner. Picky Tea shares none of that daintiness. It's unpretentious fridge raiding by comparison. It shows up at very British social occasions. Think village hall fêtes, wakes at the pub, park picnics, or the aftermath of a rough hangover when opening packets is all you can manage. It's as much a communal, low-effort catering solution as a meal in its own right. It's meant to feel both lazy and special at once. It's a meal that's supposed to be easy but can be luxurious, born from indecision and the fatigue of choosing, so you just have everything instead. The term picky tea was made mainstream by popular radio and TV host Jordan North in the 2020s. I

William 0:31:56 thought it was Jay McDonald, wasn't it?

Jordan 0:31:57 Often talking about it on national radio and judging people's picky teas on social media. Supermarkets and many other media outlets then went on to coin the term picky tea. North has not made any money on this, however, but is happy that many people across the UK and now in Europe use the term picky tea. Indeed, the Spanish have stopped saying tapas and say el picky tea.

William 0:32:24 That was actually quite interesting, that, actually. Yeah, it was lovely. I think your friend Gemini might have helped you with that. But what I liked about it is the typed stuff. And then at the end, that last bit looked a bit handwritten.

Jordan 0:32:44 Just adding a few more notes.

William 0:32:46 Yeah, I like that.

Jordan 0:32:47 Now it's time for your questions and dilemmas. Remember, if you need our help with something, then get in touch. You can send your tales of trepidation to help@sexandmyboss.com, or you can DM us. We're @sexandmyboss on the socials. The address is on the website, sexandmyboss.com. All right, what have we got then, Willy?

William 0:33:01 All right, this first one—

Jordan 0:33:02 Big Willy.

William 0:33:02 Thank you. Oh,

Jordan 0:33:04 he's horny.

William 0:33:04 This first one is from AJ. Hello, William and Jordan. My boyfriend and I have a collection of rare cars between us. However, we have some normal cars too, and this year has been very busy with weddings. My dilemma is, do we take our rarer cars and risk outshining the bride and groom on their big day, or do we take our normal cars? Some friends request our rare cars in our collection, and some friends don't, and I can respect everyone's opinion. Whenever we get a wedding invitation, I always make sure to ask which friend is getting married. However, I don't want to appear rude or interrupt their busy time planning weddings. Best regards, AJ. Well, I mean, it's a lovely problem to have if this is—

Jordan 0:33:38 It's a great, great, great one.

William 0:33:40 This is your drama.

Ben 0:33:40 We've all been there.

William 0:33:41 Yeah.

Jordan 0:33:42 Not a car person myself.

William 0:33:43 No.

Jordan 0:33:44 Is that motorhead? Petrolhead?

William 0:33:45 Hmm. I would just take a normal— I do agree, if you have a particularly rare car, normally the couple getting married are in a fancy car. If your car looks better than theirs or gets confused— I mean, don't put ribbon on the front of it, obviously. But if you are worried about it, just take the, you know, take the Škoda or whatever.

Jordan 0:34:05 My idea is you've done well for yourself, so take your car. When you've got a rare car collection, you don't really get out anymore, so just take it and don't make a big deal of it. Like, when you get there, maybe drop the bride or the groom a text and just say, hey, um—

William 0:34:20 Well, that's what AJ's saying they do, but they don't really want to sort of bother the couple getting married because—

Jordan 0:34:27 Yeah, and then I suppose you don't because 9 times out of 10, even the couple. Personally, I won't be bothered.

William 0:34:33 Because imagine if you were getting married and every single guest— imagine every guest has a collection of rare cars and normal cars— is texting you going, which car? You know, the bride and groom would be like, do you know what, I've got other stuff to worry about here.

Jordan 0:34:43 I would— if I were getting married, I wouldn't be bothered if you turned up in your fancy car.

William 0:34:47 I do— I've said this before on the podcast years ago when we were getting married and people would sort of— certain people, not anyone in this room or connected to anyone in this room— were asking us lots of sort of quite boring logistical questions like, is there parking? How do I get there? How far is it from the church to the—

Jordan 0:35:04 That's annoying.

William 0:35:05 The thing. And it's like, well, we're not a concierge service. We can't do this with everyone. And my friend Ella gave me the one wonderful piece of advice. It's again passive-aggressive, so you can see why I like it. You just say to people, all the options that are available to me are available to you. And I love it.

Jordan 0:35:19 Well, no, you just say, go and read the website.

William 0:35:21 Yeah, quite. All the options—

Ben 0:35:22 The internet.

William 0:35:23 The information that's available to me is available to you.

Jordan 0:35:26 So you don't think AJ should go in the posh car?

William 0:35:28 No, and I don't ask them. Just make it easy. Just go in a car. Yeah, just— It's a functional thing.

Ben 0:35:33 Judge the people. Who's getting married.

Jordan 0:35:35 Yeah, I think Ben's right there, 'cause I know if at your wedding, if I turned up in a fancy car, you wouldn't be bothered.

Ben 0:35:40 We were just happy that you turned up at all.

William 0:35:42 Barely did.

Ben 0:35:44 On time.

Jordan 0:35:45 She— that wife of yours was 15 minutes late to my show at Manchester Arena.

Ben 0:35:51 Our show.

Jordan 0:35:52 Our show at Manchester Arena. So, bitch please, we're evens. Sure. You can tell I said that.

Ben 0:35:59 Would you ever drive a convertible? Obviously, if we didn't—

Jordan 0:36:03 What, with his hair?

Ben 0:36:03 Yeah, I was gonna say it might do something to your hair.

Jordan 0:36:06 It looked like that woman sat behind Camilla at Wimbledon. I've won this episode for being—

William 0:36:15 I'm not bothering, I've told you. I did last year, you offered me an open top. That was quite nice. Mm. This is from anonymous. Hello, William, Jordan, and producer Ben. A few weeks ago, my boyfriend and I were dog-sitting his parents' house for the weekend whilst they were away. His parents are lovely. They all have been very generous and welcoming to me, and we get along well. However, they are messy. I think for them, vacuuming is a once-a-year occasion, which I think you'll agree is crazy when you have 4 pets. It's— wow. It seems to be the same with cleaning the loos and sinks, let alone mopping the floor, wiping the hob, cleaning the shower, anything in the house. I hate to say it, but it's gross. I'd get out of the shower and instantly feel dirty again just by being in the bathroom. I'm feeling dirty just reading this letter.

Jordan 0:36:57 Some people are like this.

William 0:36:58 So staying there for a couple of nights made me feel fidgety, and I wanted nothing more to clean their house from top to bottom. One night, my boyfriend and I cooked a quick meal. So afterwards, I felt like because we'd used the cooker, I could scrub off all the old crusty food from the backsplash and hob. So I scrubbed it clean and then couldn't help but continue wiping the surfaces of the kitchen down, clean the sink, and even the kitchen windowsills and its ornaments, which had been Covered in thick sticky dust. I would have happily carried on cleaning the kitchen and every other room in the house, but stopped myself there because I felt rude. I didn't want them to come home to a clean house and think that I think their house is dirty. But maybe they wouldn't even have noticed. Since then, they have never mentioned the cleaner kitchen, and next time I went round there, the hob was just as dirty as it had been before. I haven't brought this up with my boyfriend. He is generally a tidy person, but he seems blind to the mess in his parents' house.

Jordan 0:37:44 So it's all he's known It's all— I've got, I've got, I know friends and family that— not my family actually, to be fair, they're pretty clean.

William 0:37:51 So my question is this: is it rude to clean someone else's house when they're not there? Love the pod. I always save the episodes up to listen during my luteal phase.

Jordan 0:37:59 What's that? Is she trying to get pregnant?

William 0:38:02 What's that? L-U-T-E-A-L.

Ben 0:38:05 The second half of the menstrual cycle.

Jordan 0:38:07 Yeah.

Ben 0:38:08 From ovulation until the start of your next period. Come on, guys, you didn't say that.

Jordan 0:38:12 Have you heard about this theory that's going round, by the way?

William 0:38:14 Hang on, let me just finish this letter. So, I have something to cheer me up when I'm feeling low. Thanks, anonymous longtime listener. Carry on.

Jordan 0:38:21 Okay, first things first, I would say, fairies skip the soap. Great for those hobbits and stuff.

William 0:38:28 Sounds like they've skipped the soap.

Jordan 0:38:29 No, I would personally clean up my mess, and then—

William 0:38:32 Yes.

Jordan 0:38:32 I would leave it tidy, or at least in the condition you found it, no worse. So I would clean up my mess, especially— I've stayed at people's houses for weekends, And it's not been up to my standards. And I've cleaned it and left, and they've not said anything. And I've gone back again a couple of weeks later, and it's been the same.

William 0:38:48 I think what Anonymous did was absolutely fine. They cooked, and so even if the kitchen was immaculate, you tidy up and you clean up the kitchen afterwards. You can't, as much as you may want to, you cannot then go round and do the rest of the house unless you have sort of made a mess. I know it sounds deeply unpleasant. I think I would bring it up with your boyfriend, because it's going to fester.

Jordan 0:39:10 Can't be that bad. Just some people are a bit untidy. That's all.

William 0:39:14 This sounds pretty scummy, if I'm honest. And I think it's— you don't want it to— presumably, you want your boyfriend to maybe become your husband at some point. And if it's going to stop you from seeing his family, that's going to be a problem. So, I would say, look, we need to either maybe stay somewhere else or— but they aren't going to change their ways. I mean, I've got friends who are like this. They are just not going to change their ways. We're all different. We might find it a bit gross.

Jordan 0:39:36 Would we be friends if I was a bit scruffy house. If I had a dirty house.

William 0:39:42 I'd still be friends with you. I probably just wouldn't come over very often.

Jordan 0:39:44 We don't anyway.

William 0:39:45 No, well, you don't get invited.

Jordan 0:39:47 Okay.

William 0:39:51 What's— you had a phrase.

Jordan 0:39:53 So, I've never heard of that before. Is it luteal phase? Is that where you're trying to get pregnant? No. No. There's this theory going around on TikTok that girls—

William 0:40:02 Must be true.

Jordan 0:40:04 That, and some A couple of girls have mentioned it to me. I speak to a lot of the ladies. Um, that, uh, a lot of girls had 2 periods in June or an extended period.

William 0:40:16 Okay.

Ben 0:40:18 Right.

Jordan 0:40:18 Yeah.

Ben 0:40:20 So what's— what, what?

Jordan 0:40:21 Just thought I'd tell you.

Ben 0:40:22 What's the—

William 0:40:23 and that's coming up on your TikTok? Yeah. Is your TikTok broken?

Ben 0:40:27 But what do you mean?

Jordan 0:40:28 Like, there's loads of girls saying like, yeah, their next Extended, extra— extra-longated period in general.

William 0:40:34 Elongated.

Jordan 0:40:35 Elongated.

Ben 0:40:36 Extra-longated.

William 0:40:37 Okay, well—

Ben 0:40:40 What?

Jordan 0:40:41 And I've— what?

William 0:40:43 Well, write in, girls. Let us know.

Jordan 0:40:46 Just saying, if you're listening now and think that's you, there's something going on. Just saying, just saying. We could do a

William 0:40:54 poll. Yeah?

Jordan 0:40:55 Let's not do a poll.

William 0:40:57 This next dilemma is from Tom. Good afternoon, gents. We're not a lavatory. Around a year ago, I made the decision in my mid-30s to grow a moustache, which everyone I know has agreed has been the right move for me, as it adds a certain frisson to my face I was apparently lacking. The only issue is that despite everywhere else on my body having thick, copious, dark hair, I have been shocked to learn that my upper lip can only apparently grow blonde hair. I've taken it upon myself to remedy this by using hair dye On my soup strainer. Well, don't call it that.

Jordan 0:41:27 The old fanny tickler.

William 0:41:28 In order to match the carpet to the drapes, as it were. But my colleagues seem to notice the darkening shades and comment on it. In response, I have shamefully been lying and responding that I haven't been dyeing my upper lip, which I'm not sure they believe. What do you think the response to this dilemma is? Should I just accept I have a blonde moustache and continue to dye and lie? Or should I dye and say, yes, I'm incredibly vain and can't bear my moustache not matching the rest Luckily, my partner says she doesn't mind what colour it is, as long as it tickles her in the dark.

Jordan 0:42:00 I don't read them before now, so I genuinely didn't know that that was gonna be a thing. The old fanny tickler.

William 0:42:07 I'd love to hear your opinions. And as an added fact you may enjoy, did you know that the bonnet remains part of the official kit in the French Foreign Legion for soldiers to this day, often packed into their boudin noir? Okay, black pudding. Best regards, Tom in Tokyo. Konnichiwa.

Jordan 0:42:24 Well, Tom, that's a great letter.

William 0:42:26 I think own it.

Jordan 0:42:28 Yeah.

William 0:42:29 Yeah.

Jordan 0:42:29 And it don't matter if the carpet don't match the curtains. That's very in at the moment. It's not the '80s.

William 0:42:33 Oh, no, I got— Jordan's helpfully pointing to parts of his anatomy. Yes, I got that.

Jordan 0:42:40 I will say, as an admirer and a grower of the moustache, I

William 0:42:47 wouldn't say that's going very well this

Jordan 0:42:48 week. Well, I'm gonna explain to you what's happened here. Um, I will say to you that, uh, the old blonde moustache—

William 0:42:55 I can't— you wouldn't look good with a blonde moustache.

Jordan 0:42:58 No, you would. So if, if it looks bad, own it. It don't matter. It don't matter. Diet. If people are saying it— so I grew my moustache last week and I actually shaved and I actually thought it looked really good.

William 0:43:12 Did you shave your beard off?

Jordan 0:43:13 Yeah.

William 0:43:14 Right.

Ben 0:43:14 What?

Jordan 0:43:15 Well, yeah, like—

Ben 0:43:16 Not all off.

Jordan 0:43:16 Not all off, but it's like the, like the closest shave I've done for years. It's grown back.

Ben 0:43:22 With Gillette.

Jordan 0:43:22 The best a man can get. And I, um, I had a really big interview. I can't say too much because it's, it's massive, but I had a real big interview that I had to do, of all things, on a Saturday night. And we had to set up a WhatsApp group with certain bosses and stuff, so that— and then it was strongly advised that I shave the moustache.

William 0:43:50 Yeah, so did you do it? So I had to shave it.

Jordan 0:43:54 And you know what stuck with me was Ben saying at your wedding, with that picture behind you there, he regrets it now. And we think this interview is quite big and it might get quite a lot of views. So, in years to come, I'll be like, why did I have that moustache? But I am going to grow it for my holiday.

William 0:44:08 You do? Yeah, try it when you're on holiday and you're not being recorded, etc. Try it then. The late Queen, when she went gray— because there are like sort of— the Queen sort of had brunette hair and then all of a sudden had grey hair.

Jordan 0:44:22 Really?

William 0:44:22 There was no in-between. There was a little bit on the sides, but it was because she then basically went to Balmoral, stopped dyeing her hair.

Jordan 0:44:28 Did she dye it?

William 0:44:29 And then came back as we sort of latterly knew her. So, you just do it and just get it over and done with.

Jordan 0:44:36 Okay.

William 0:44:36 Try it on your holiday. That would be my suggestion. This is from Anthony. Dear William Jordan and the Sexted gang, my husband and I— yes, gay— were recently at a restaurant, and sitting across from us was a young family. My husband doesn't like kids, so he wasn't very happy with a noisy child beside us. However, that was not the issue. The male adult— we can assume the father, but you never know these days— was sitting there and proceeded to remove You never know these days. He was not in— he could be the stepfather. He was not in my eyeline. Thankfully, he was in my husband's, so he had a direct view. It was over 30 degrees in London that day, and I have a very sensitive sense of smell. I'm sure you can imagine the combination. Think cheesy Wotsits in a damp sock held under a washroom hand dryer. My husband has a face like William's. It doesn't move, but the eyes tell you everything. Unfortunately, I think his stinky side-eye was outdone by cheesy feet. So how should one approach this situation? It was a packed restaurant, so moving wasn't an option, and it was too close to us to bring to the server's attention. Is this normal for a London airport in the height of summer?

Jordan 0:45:33 Oh, was it in the airport? That's fine.

William 0:45:36 No, it's not fine. I should also add that this was on Aer Lingus, Ireland's only 4-star airline, not the other one. Thank you for all the laughs, and I hope you can help with this. I would sort of get up to go to the loo and go and talk to the maître d' and say— the person— explain what's going on, and then get them to do it when you know, your bag.

Jordan 0:45:53 So yeah, if you're in a fancy restaurant—

William 0:45:55 Or ask for another table.

Jordan 0:45:56 I was gonna say, that's good advice, because I was gonna say, you clearly don't take your shoes off, do you? No. In, in a restaurant, that's rude. However, at an airport, when you've got the old Birkenstock on, they do just tend to slip off naturally, right? It's the same on holiday. You go down for breakfast—

William 0:46:12 They're not tight then.

Jordan 0:46:13 You go down for breakfast and the old flip-flop just kind of slips off, doesn't it? And you kind of eating barefoot. Am I right?

William 0:46:20 No.

Jordan 0:46:21 So I think that's acceptable, as long as they don't smell.

William 0:46:23 Yeah, but

Jordan 0:46:25 the same on an aeroplane. Is it ever okay to take your shoes off on an aeroplane?

William 0:46:28 Yes, if you are— if you're flying, there's a distance between you and the other person, or there's no one around you, and they don't smell, and maybe you put on the flight socks, then yes.

Jordan 0:46:37 See, I always travel in me Birkenstocks, 'cause on the aeroplane, just slip 'em off, can't ya? And it's just comfortable.

William 0:46:42 But do your feet smell?

Jordan 0:46:43 I wanna take my shoes off.

William 0:46:44 Don't take your shoes off. That's the first thing I do when I get there. We're in an office. We're in a world of work.

Ben 0:46:48 I take my shoes off in the office.

Jordan 0:46:49 Yeah, you do.

William 0:46:50 Yes, I've been in. It's like Sandy Shore. That's what the restaurant is.

Jordan 0:46:52 So, look, in a restaurant, yeah. In an airport thing, if he's just in flip-flops and Birkenstocks, I'll accept it. But if he's took his trainers off, maybe not, no. Is it—

William 0:47:03 But if you have smelly feet, do not— or it's hot, 30 degrees, as you were mentioning, do not take your shoes off. I don't care whether you're in espadrilles, you're in Birkenstocks, you're in flip-flops. You shouldn't be in a restaurant in flip-flops anyway.

Jordan 0:47:14 Espadrilles, what is it, 2010?

William 0:47:16 I'm in espadrilles. They're called Riviera.

Jordan 0:47:19 I think in a restaurant, yeah, but an airport— is it— so you're saying if you're on just a normal, like, EasyJet flight to Malaga, you can't take your shoes off?

William 0:47:29 Unless there's no one around you.

Ben 0:47:30 Disagree.

Jordan 0:47:31 I agree.

Ben 0:47:31 Hard disagree.

Jordan 0:47:32 But when you get up, put 'em back on.

William 0:47:34 Yeah. Okay. This is from anonymous. Hi boys, my boyfriend, let's call him Barry, and I have recently started living together. And other than getting used to each other's particular quirks of how we like things done, i.e., teaching him the correct way of stacking the dishwasher, it's all been going great. That was until yesterday. In our bathroom, we have a tall radiator for hanging our towels. I use one large towel for my body, a smaller one for my hair, whereas Barry, who has shorter hair, just has the one large towel that he uses for both. Yesterday, it came to my attention that Barry thought this third, smaller towel I use for my hair was a spare, and having come from a period of living with his male friends where such amenities clearly didn't exist, thought it would be quite luxurious to adopt this spare towel as his own and make it his dick and balls towel. So what is the etiquette when you discover you've been drying your hair and face with a towel that your partner has exclusively been using to dry his dick, ball, and dare I say, asshole? Please help. Anonymous.

Jordan 0:48:26 What a good idea.

William 0:48:27 So how many— okay, how many towels do you use?

Jordan 0:48:29 Do you know what? I might adopt that. What a great idea.

William 0:48:34 How many towels do you use?

Jordan 0:48:35 I use— I'm a 2-towel kind of guy.

William 0:48:37 Yes, 2-towel. One for your head and your hair, smaller one.

Jordan 0:48:41 One for my lower and one for my upper. I often say that when I come out, I look like the Pope. I do. I have like—

William 0:48:48 Are they white?

Jordan 0:48:49 Yeah, they're white.

Ben 0:48:50 Still waiting on that letter, aren't we?

Jordan 0:48:52 I have a small—

William 0:48:52 Yeah, Ben's reminded us when we wrote to the Pope about the contraceptive position of rats.

Jordan 0:48:57 I have a smaller towel around me and a big one around my waist.

William 0:49:00 No, you have one for your hair that you can do in a little turban à la Norma Desmond, and then one for your body.

Jordan 0:49:06 No.

William 0:49:07 But I've got quite— I have a bath sheet. It's quite big, as opposed to a small towel.

Jordan 0:49:10 I have a small and a big bath one. But I do like the idea of how luxurious, a little towel for your balls and willy.

William 0:49:17 Or just have a flannel.

Ben 0:49:18 Yeah, it would just look so—

William 0:49:20 Just get a flannel and—

Jordan 0:49:21 A little flannel.

William 0:49:22 You could probably get away with a cotton pad.

Jordan 0:49:24 I like that. That's very luxurious.

Ben 0:49:28 Kitchen paper.

William 0:49:29 Just one single Kleenex.

Jordan 0:49:30 Imagine doing—

William 0:49:31 If there's any left.

Jordan 0:49:33 Imagine doing so well in your life,

William 0:49:35 Hmm. That you have 3 towels.

Jordan 0:49:37 That you have a towel for your balls.

William 0:49:39 I've said it before, if I won the lottery, I'd have clean sheets every night.

Jordan 0:49:42 Would you?

William 0:49:43 Mm. I love clean sheets.

Jordan 0:49:45 How often do you do your sheets?

William 0:49:46 Once a week. Twice actually a week in this weather, because of, you

Jordan 0:49:50 know. Every Friday for me.

William 0:49:52 I notice it changes depending on what we're

Jordan 0:49:53 doing. Yeah, get home from work on a Friday, you've got fresh bedding. Oh my

Ben 0:49:57 God. Sunday. It's gotta be Sunday, surely.

Jordan 0:49:59 What? Oh, Friday.

William 0:50:01 Just— we just do it after the 7th night, 'cause obviously if we've been away, it just changes. So it's like—

Jordan 0:50:05 Oh, you Jesus.

Ben 0:50:06 That's even worse. Fucking

Jordan 0:50:07 hell. After the Sabbath.

Ben 0:50:09 And on the 7th day, he changes his sheets.

Jordan 0:50:15 Okay, on the Sabbath, one shall change thy sheets.

William 0:50:18 Yes.

Jordan 0:50:19 Okay. Look, I'd try and get over it.

William 0:50:22 Yeah, you just say to him, but also have coloured towels. This is where— Yeah. So one person has pink and the other one has green, or one has white and one has grey, or whatever. So if they're all the same— I mean, Mikey and I have the same colour towels now, but we know positions on the towel rail, whose is whose.

Jordan 0:50:42 Look, if—

William 0:50:43 Generally, I'm top.

Jordan 0:50:45 That's a good idea. But tell you what, my mum came round. She won't let me, 'cause I've got all white towels. She went, your dad's not using white towels.

William 0:50:55 Oh.

Ben 0:50:56 I'm surprised you trust yourself with white towels at times.

Jordan 0:50:58 She went, have you not got any brown ones or reddy ones? I was like, no, he'll use that. She went, are you sure? I went— she went, don't start whinging when the shit stains on them. I was like—

William 0:51:08 But you can get that out, to be fair. That does wash out.

Jordan 0:51:11 He's known for leaping—

Ben 0:51:11 You can also wipe your bottom.

Jordan 0:51:12 He's known for leaping skiddies on towels. Oh, Jordan. Yeah.

William 0:51:18 That's not something— can I just say, can I just say, outside of Lancashire, that is nothing to be proud of.

Jordan 0:51:25 I'm proud of it.

William 0:51:26 No, but your father shouldn't— that shouldn't be how you're known.

Jordan 0:51:30 Well, he's not. He's done it a couple of times.

William 0:51:32 He's a great raconteur. He makes a lovely gnocchi. He leaves—

Jordan 0:51:36 She changed bed once and he sat on bed and left a skid mark. She went mad at him.

Ben 0:51:41 I think that is the end of the episode.

William 0:51:44 Can we just move on? I

Jordan 0:51:44 was gonna say something about— oh, but also, if people have been complimenting you on your skin and saying your skin looks nice, maybe use that then. Maybe the ball sweat's been good for you.

William 0:51:52 Right.

Jordan 0:51:53 Thank you for your questions and dilemmas. Remember, you can listen to new episodes every Tuesday and Friday and 24 hours before anywhere else on Global Player. And you can even watch us on YouTube as well. We put the full episodes up on every release day. All you gotta do is head to YouTube and search for Sex Ed. Goodbye.

William 0:52:08 Goodbye.

Ben 0:52:09 Quick straw poll on who was funnier.

William 0:52:11 Ben.

Jordan 0:52:11 Ben.