Help My Dentist Proposed To Me | And We’re All Miserable…

Jordan 0:00:05 Hello and welcome to Help, I Sexted My Boss, the podcast where we help you navigate the challenges of modern life, answering your 21st century questions and finding solutions to those everyday dilemmas. Like, what should you do when someone gets out their smelly feet in a restaurant? Or what do you do when your producer asks if they can turn up to work hungover after the England game?

William 0:00:27 Sack them.

Jordan 0:00:27 And what should you do if you've accidentally sexted your boss? But we're not your usual agony Are we? Or your usual Thomas Tukels, are we? William Hanson, the UK's leading etiquette expert.

William 0:00:37 No, we're not, Jordan North. I'm more Time 100. You're more time for a pint. That's from Bethan. I love that.

Jordan 0:00:43 Thank you. What's Time 100? Is that a

William 0:00:44 thing? Oh, well, you know, you wouldn't know.

Jordan 0:00:48 Is that the one that Hitler got?

William 0:00:50 Wow.

Jordan 0:00:50 Time magazine. He did. He was named like Person of the Year or something, famously.

William 0:00:54 Yes, Time has been around for some time.

Jordan 0:00:56 I actually think I'd rather be time for a pint than Time 100.

William 0:01:00 Fine. Do you know what you're asking, or are you annoying me? What? 'Cause you know I've been named one of Time 100's Creators of the Year.

Jordan 0:01:07 Oh, have ya?

William 0:01:08 Yes, which is why we're talking about it.

Jordan 0:01:09 Oh, congratulations!

William 0:01:10 Thank you so much. Yeah.

Jordan 0:01:12 Well, that's amazing. Thank you so much. Time magazine, as in—

William 0:01:14 Yes, international.

Jordan 0:01:15 And what number did you come?

William 0:01:17 No, no, you just are— you're either in the list. There's no— you're not ranked.

Jordan 0:01:20 And how many?

William 0:01:20 It's not the big top 40.

Jordan 0:01:21 Is it 100 people?

William 0:01:22 100 people. Time 100 Creators.

Ben 0:01:24 100 creators.

William 0:01:25 Creators.

Jordan 0:01:26 That's amazing!

Ben 0:01:27 How many creators are there in the world?

William 0:01:28 Probably more than 100.

Ben 0:01:30 101.

William 0:01:32 Who's put 50p in The Producer?

Jordan 0:01:34 That's great.

William 0:01:36 Thank you so much.

Jordan 0:01:36 I wasn't aware.

William 0:01:37 No, well, don't worry. You know me, I'd not want to go on about it.

Jordan 0:01:39 Congrats.

William 0:01:42 Thank you so much. Thank you. Well, thank you, Bethan, for so seamlessly giving us opportunity to talk about it. This week's toast goes to Joel, who has been nominated by our very own Gen Z Izzy. Remember her? Massive shout-out to Joel, who kindly came to the rescue after Izzy had moved in with her friend Gabby and found herself needing a hand with some very heavy wood. A solid oak dining table, it says here, just for a little bit of clarity. Naturally, Gabby's boyfriend's dad Joel turned up in his white van, expertly handled the solid wood, and safely delivered it to its final destination. A true professional. During the ride— In the van. Izzy discovered Joel is a huge fan of the pod. with his favourite episode naturally being the Clone-a-Willy one. So, thank you, Joel, for tearing yourself away from Wimbledon to help— that's the tennis, I assume— to help 2 gorgeous girlies, it says here, who simply couldn't handle the wood on their own. An absolute slay from him. Diva. Yeah, yeah.

Jordan 0:02:48 Well done.

William 0:02:48 Joel, this is to you.

Jordan 0:02:49 This is to you, Joel.

William 0:02:50 You and your—

Jordan 0:02:51 Thanks for helping out a damsel in distress.

Ben 0:02:53 I do think sort of free labour in exchange for shoutouts on the podcast should be

William 0:02:57 It's probably illegal, to be honest.

Ben 0:02:59 It should be illegal.

Jordan 0:03:00 Oh, oh, oh!

Ben 0:03:02 That should be declared to HMRC, I think. Something like that.

Jordan 0:03:05 Oh, you'll be fine.

William 0:03:06 Now we should say, at time of recording, something was going on last night. And I'm not detecting the most professional of atmospheres in the studio. And I'm not happy about it. Do you want to tell everyone what it was?

Jordan 0:03:19 England got beat at the time of recording by Argentina. Argentina.

William 0:03:24 Were beaten by Argentina.

Jordan 0:03:27 Don't wind me up.

William 0:03:28 Why?

Jordan 0:03:29 'Cause it don't matter. We got beat. We got knocked out.

William 0:03:31 They did a good game. They were particularly strong in the first half.

Jordan 0:03:34 Mm, we were not.

William 0:03:35 All went downhill in act 2. But other than that, it was a solid game. It was good television.

Jordan 0:03:40 Just sat back for too long when we scored. Like, as soon as we scored, Anthony Gordon.

Ben 0:03:47 We were far too deep.

Jordan 0:03:49 We were far too deep.

William 0:03:50 Anthony Gordon was the one, when we did our, on social media, smash and pass, England Players Edition, was he the one with the slightly camp pose? Yeah.

Ben 0:03:57 Yeah. Looks a bit like Claire Balding.

William 0:03:58 Looks like Claire Balding.

Jordan 0:03:59 I seen him on holiday last year.

William 0:04:00 Yes.

Jordan 0:04:01 Yeah.

William 0:04:01 Have I mentioned that? Once or twice, yeah.

Jordan 0:04:03 He's a good lad. Yeah, he said to me, are you a footballer? I said, no. But yeah, so we're a bit gutted. It's just, it's like when Gazza cried in Italy '90, I think it was. It wasn't just football, it's everything. 'Cause the country's pretty divided, innit? So at times like this, when everyone's together, everyone's in the pub arm in arm, and you're like hugging strangers and cheering along.

William 0:04:27 And you know, you can hug strangers. I mean,

Jordan 0:04:29 no,

William 0:04:29 you can't consent, but it's just great. You could do that for—

Jordan 0:04:32 I was yesterday, I was buzzing all day. I was nervous and I was just walking to the pub and I was like, this is what it's all about. I was like, honestly, I was like, this is better than Christmas, this England in the semi-finals of a World Cup during a heat wave, going to the pub, drinking pints. Like, it don't get much better for me than that. Genuinely, I was so excited. I was like, this is, this is better than Christmas.

Ben 0:04:54 Agree.

Jordan 0:04:55 Just something about it, the atmosphere, something in the air. And then, yeah, and it's, it's the hope that kills you, William. It's the hope that kills you.

William 0:05:04 Hope for what?

Jordan 0:05:05 Just hope in general. That's what they say, don't they?

William 0:05:07 Right.

Jordan 0:05:08 Yeah, yeah, go on.

Ben 0:05:12 I, I was walking home from the pub last night just thinking about the missed out fun, we would have been so happy. This episode would actually be really funny today, but now it's going to be rubbish.

William 0:05:24 Press skip on to something else.

Ben 0:05:26 Yeah, it's like, you know, like FOMO is like fear of missing out. We need like a phrase for like fear of lost fun.

Jordan 0:05:32 FOLFOF. FOLFOF.

Ben 0:05:35 Because it would— these next 3 days could have been like— it would have been better than Christmas and New Year's.

Jordan 0:05:40 It would have been better than the Gooch. say that was really ADHD. Your hair looks nice today. Yeah, it could have been better than the gooch. It could have. It's just, it is. And it's like, you know, watching the first game of my brother who I don't get to see that much. And so it's just, if you don't watch foot— if you don't—

William 0:05:57 There are, I should just say, for those that don't like football, and yeah, I get it, it's obviously very sad that England did not, you know, get through to the quarterfinals.

Ben 0:06:05 What? No, the final.

William 0:06:06 Oh, the final. But

Jordan 0:06:08 We were in the semis. It was the men's semis.

Ben 0:06:10 You weren't even interested in the men's semi?

William 0:06:12 No, I was working. I've

Jordan 0:06:15 not been excited about a semi since—

William 0:06:16 Last weekend.

Jordan 0:06:18 Insert funny gag, 'cause I'm too hungover. Hang on, for the record, I've not been this excited about a semi since—

William 0:06:25 Last weekend.

Jordan 0:06:27 Thanks. Yeah.

William 0:06:27 Okay. Funny. No, I get it. It's, you know, but there's— Probably. I think what we have to remember is, um, the Lionesses will probably do better in their next competition anyway. Yeah, true. So we've always got that.

Jordan 0:06:40 Do you know what really made me sad and like pretty much nearly brought me to tears? I was walking home because it's my fault.

William 0:06:50 What, your Uber cancelled?

Jordan 0:06:50 No, it, it's my fault we lost because I went to the pub to watch it and I should have stayed at home because I jinxed it. I did.

William 0:06:57 And you— so hang on, for the entire team, you personally jinxed it?

Jordan 0:07:01 Because I said—

William 0:07:02 That's main character energy.

Jordan 0:07:02 I texted our Lee and said, where are you watching it? He went, I've watched every game at home and we've all right, so I'm going to stay at home. He said, I'd love to go pub, but I don't want to jinx it. And I said, oh shit, I'm going pub. I went to a pub with my lass and then I walked home and I thought, this is going to be the last time I wear my England shirt as well, because next World Cup will be 40 and you can't be a 40-year-old wearing football tops. And that nearly broke me.

William 0:07:23 I mean, I think as a 36-year-old, it's pretty tragic.

Jordan 0:07:25 No, and I know there's many 40-year-olds listening, but I just remember my dad, my dad, you know, Graham.

William 0:07:30 I'm aware of his work.

Jordan 0:07:32 Bloke's bloke, drinks Carling, that's all you need to know. Won't wear football shirts and I respect that.

William 0:07:35 I respect that. I think that's class.

Jordan 0:07:37 So I think at 40, I'm not gonna be able— sorry, just give me a minute. The next World Cup, I'm gonna be 40, which is sad in itself.

Ben 0:07:48 That is mental.

Jordan 0:07:50 And I'm not gonna be able to wear an English shirt.

Ben 0:07:52 You're 40 at the next World Cup? Oh my God.

Jordan 0:07:56 That's what I did, and then I fucking cried on my own, 'cause of the fact that when I'm next gonna watch it, I'm gonna be 40 and I can't wear me lucky England shirt.

William 0:08:02 But you'll still be 30 in the Euros.

Jordan 0:08:05 I'm gonna wear me England shirt, but I'm actually welling up. I'm gonna be fucking 40 years old for next World Cup. I cannot, and I cannot, I cannot be wearing an English shirt. Do you know what? I don't want to be doing fucking cocks and fanny jokes as well. I'm having a full-on mental breakdown here.

William 0:08:21 It won't be easy.

Jordan 0:08:23 I'm done. It's shit when you get beat. How's your week been?

William 0:08:29 Well. Don't Cry for Me, Argentina, which I was listening to doing my makeup today, which I felt was— I was!

Jordan 0:08:37 I know that song!

William 0:08:38 Sofia— yes, it's from Evita.

Jordan 0:08:39 Madonna.

William 0:08:40 It's from Evita. Madonna covered it.

Jordan 0:08:43 What, an advert? Revitas?

William 0:08:44 No, Evita, 'cause she did the film.

Jordan 0:08:47 Don't cry for me, Argentina.

William 0:08:50 Don't say the wrong words.

Jordan 0:08:51 The truth is, I never left you.

William 0:08:54 Oh, well done!

Jordan 0:08:56 All through my wild days.

William 0:08:57 I was convinced you were gonna say love.

Jordan 0:08:59 My

William 0:09:00 mad existence.

Jordan 0:09:01 Mad existence. Don't keep your promise. My mum used to play it.

William 0:09:07 You are so—

Jordan 0:09:08 Don't even

William 0:09:10 bother.

Ben 0:09:10 There is no other man on this planet who starts crying about the fact that he can't wear a football shirt when he comes to 40 and then starts singing Madonna. Don't keep your Argentina wild word promise.

Jordan 0:09:20 That's what I'm mainly upset about. The next time I'm in the World Cup, I'm going to be 40. What have I done with my life?

William 0:09:27 Well, if you live that long.

Jordan 0:09:28 Yeah, true.

William 0:09:30 You know, something could happen. So, keep that in mind.

Jordan 0:09:33 Thank you.

William 0:09:33 I might murder you or something.

Jordan 0:09:35 Go on, cheer us up. What have you been up to?

William 0:09:36 Well, we had a dog in the theatre last night, so that was pretty exciting.

Jordan 0:09:40 What? For blind people?

William 0:09:42 Well, I think it was a therapy dog. It was in one of the boxes.

Jordan 0:09:45 What did he do then?

William 0:09:45 And we could all see it, and it literally had its— it had its little paws over the balcony. It was so cute! And it came to stage door and was wearing a little bow tie, which I don't agree with clothes on dogs, but it was still quite cute.

Jordan 0:09:55 What's a therapy dog? What do they do?

William 0:09:57 Where does a pet become a therapy dog is what I mean.

Jordan 0:10:00 Does it have to train? Does it say—

William 0:10:02 Well, it wasn't wearing hi-vis or anything.

Jordan 0:10:04 Did it just— only for people of a nervous disposition?

William 0:10:07 Yeah, so might need it for comfort. But it was very cute.

Jordan 0:10:10 I want a therapy dog.

William 0:10:11 Hmm. You just need therapy.

Jordan 0:10:12 It's like, come here and let me stroke you. I need a therapy dog today. Come here and let me stroke your hair or something.

William 0:10:18 Izzy, stay.

Jordan 0:10:19 Stay. Good girl. No. No.

William 0:10:23 No. That is an ick.

Jordan 0:10:24 Is it?

William 0:10:25 That is such an ick.

Jordan 0:10:26 I've got to stress, me and Izzy are very good friends outside of work. It's not like a HR thing.

William 0:10:33 Yes, yes.

Jordan 0:10:35 Love you, Izzy.

Speaker D 0:10:37 Love you too.

Jordan 0:10:38 Thanks, babe.

William 0:10:40 You had a lovely time with my husband over the weekend, I believe.

Jordan 0:10:42 Oh shit, I completely forgot about that.

William 0:10:44 Yes.

Jordan 0:10:44 Yeah.

William 0:10:46 Oh, he loved it.

Jordan 0:10:47 He don't stop for breath, does he?

William 0:10:49 No, thankfully.

Jordan 0:10:51 What? No, I don't mean that we didn't do it like that. No,

William 0:10:55 um, he was walking a bit funny.

Jordan 0:10:57 Mikey, uh, came to Henley Festival, and then the next day—

William 0:11:00 I should say I was invited, but I was otherwise committed.

Jordan 0:11:03 Yeah. And then, oh, I've got a great video. We'll put it on our— we'll put it on our, um, socials

William 0:11:09 carousel.

Jordan 0:11:09 I've got a video of him singing along to ABBA. Do you want to see it?

William 0:11:13 Yes.

Jordan 0:11:13 It's so cute. So we went to Henley Festival. We watched Lulu.

William 0:11:19 Well! Well, yeah.

Jordan 0:11:20 It's a big show! Oh no, wrong one. You know you've made me wanna shut my head.

William 0:11:24 She looked like she was having a lot of fun.

Jordan 0:11:25 She was.

William 0:11:26 I looked at the videos.

Jordan 0:11:27 Oh, actually, I've got one of those privacy screens now, so I don't know if you'll be able to see. I got one of those—

William 0:11:31 Privacy? Sorry, have we been transported to California? Privacy?

Jordan 0:11:34 Privacy screens. I don't know why. I just went in for a new phone case.

William 0:11:39 Yeah.

Jordan 0:11:40 She went, do you want a privacy screen? I went, yeah, go on.

William 0:11:42 Privacy.

Jordan 0:11:43 I was thinking it'd be like a fiver. About 40-odd quid.

William 0:11:46 What?!

Jordan 0:11:46 Yeah.

William 0:11:47 They saw you coming. I mean, to be fair, there's a lot on your phone that needs to be kept private.

Jordan 0:11:50 What? Like what? Uh, here he is. Look at him.

William 0:11:54 Aww. What have you— Oh, he's got his phone torch out. What a— what a puff. He— I like it.

Speaker E 0:12:05 He knows all the words!

William 0:12:14 I would, my friend Fernando. Oh, that's sweet.

Jordan 0:12:18 It was great. And do you know what? They were called Bjorn Again, right?

William 0:12:22 Bjorn Again.

Jordan 0:12:22 Bjorn— what?

William 0:12:23 Bjorn Again.

Jordan 0:12:24 Bjorn Again, they were called, right?

William 0:12:26 Because it's Benny and Bjorn.

Jordan 0:12:27 And when an Orvanist says this about a tribute act, it's, it's the best compliment.

William 0:12:31 They're more Tina than Tina.

Jordan 0:12:33 They were more like ABBA than ABBA, I promise you. Ben, they were so good. They were— he was like, um, they would speak in character as well. So they go— apparently they're Aussies— and they go, oh yeah, Ash, me and Frida used to make love to this track. Give me, give me, give me a man. Oh, it's great. And then he goes, oh yeah, and then we all decided that we should go our separate ways and we don't love each other anymore. And what was the ABBA song that they went into?

William 0:13:00 Um, Thank You for the Music.

Jordan 0:13:02 And I said thank you for the music. It was great.

William 0:13:07 Lovely. Do ABBA— is this like officially ABBA endorsed or approved?

Jordan 0:13:11 Well, they were officially endorsed by ABBA.

William 0:13:12 And then ABBA Voyage happened.

Jordan 0:13:14 Happened, so it kind of went offline. But they're honestly, they're fantastic. I'd book them if I were you. They were really good.

William 0:13:20 Well, book them what, your kid's birthday party?

Jordan 0:13:22 But, um, it was a wonderful weekend. And then Mikey stayed for a bit on Saturday.

William 0:13:26 Yes, he did.

Jordan 0:13:27 And it was great. So we spent all of Saturday with him. I know. Oh, he can eat, that lad. He makes me so happy. I'm like a proud auntie watching him. at breakfast, I was like, go on, go up. And then he went and gave him a little nod, I went, you can go up for thirds. He had more sausage that weekend than you've had in a week. That's all I can say. We had a good— oh look, I got sunburnt as well, look at that.

William 0:13:46 Oh, oh, any excuse to get the chest out.

Jordan 0:13:48 Look,

Ben 0:13:49 Jordan, that's naughty.

Jordan 0:13:50 That's so bad.

William 0:13:51 Were you wearing spuff?

Jordan 0:13:52 Yeah, I put Factor 50 on.

William 0:13:54 Oh, oh, oh, I don't want you to see that.

Jordan 0:13:56 I put Factor 50 on.

Ben 0:13:57 Not enough.

Jordan 0:13:58 I know, it's stupid. And then I'm going to, uh, I'm going to Greece on Sunday.

William 0:14:03 You're gonna be like a raisin.

Jordan 0:14:04 I know, I'm gonna have to stay out of the sun. I've got me books for Greece as well, so I'll do a recommend day.

William 0:14:09 Okay, what have you got? Tell us.

Jordan 0:14:11 Well, I'm halfway through one at the moment called The Leftovers. It's fantastic.

William 0:14:14 Okay.

Jordan 0:14:14 It's about, um, what happens when people disappear, the religious term for it.

William 0:14:18 Die?

Jordan 0:14:19 No,

William 0:14:20 um,

Jordan 0:14:20 all at the same time.

William 0:14:21 The religious evaporate? Yeah. No, you don't— evaporate is not religious. Yeah, but basically

Jordan 0:14:26 it's,

William 0:14:26 uh, what happens with water?

Jordan 0:14:28 No.

Ben 0:14:29 Vaporise.

Jordan 0:14:29 No, the religious term for it, it's not a purge, it's a

William 0:14:32 Rise to Heaven.

Jordan 0:14:33 The,

William 0:14:34 the Risen.

Jordan 0:14:35 No, the

Ben 0:14:35 Purgatory.

Jordan 0:14:36 No, you've— what?

William 0:14:38 Ascension?

Jordan 0:14:39 No, the Reckoning. What's it called?

William 0:14:40 The Reckoning.

Jordan 0:14:41 It's like a— it's a Christianity thing where they think

Ben 0:14:44 everyone's gonna go at the same time.

Jordan 0:14:45 Well, no, yeah, loads of people— basically 2% of the world's population, millions of people just evaporated into thin air at the same time.

William 0:14:53 Gosh.

Jordan 0:14:53 It's a really good book. It was a series as well.

William 0:14:55 It's like your latest Ray Charles.

Jordan 0:15:00 Sorry. RAJOS, for those of you who don't know, are the radio and audio listening figures.

William 0:15:06 Sorry, and I don't even know if it's true. I just thought it was a funny joke.

Jordan 0:15:09 No, we're doing alright.

William 0:15:10 I know you are. That's why I can joke about it.

Jordan 0:15:12 We're more than alright. But yeah, what's it? Rapture. The rapture. That's what they call it.

Ben 0:15:17 The rapture.

William 0:15:18 I don't know if that's in religion, but okay.

Jordan 0:15:22 Anyway, what else has been going on?

William 0:15:23 Well… You know I'm into my burritos.

Jordan 0:15:25 Oh, I want one. I might go and get one after this.

William 0:15:28 Come with me, get a burrito. However, I was told by my castmate and very good friend, Nikki, that I was eating my burrito incorrectly. So I have been taught now how to eat a burrito correctly.

Jordan 0:15:38 Looking forward to that video soon.

William 0:15:40 Well, I don't know if I will, 'cause the trouble is burritos are quite messy.

Jordan 0:15:42 How do you eat it?

William 0:15:43 Well, so what I was doing, I was taking all of the foil off and then just holding it with 2 hands.

Jordan 0:15:48 What were you doing? Show everyone again that.

William 0:15:50 I take all the foil off and then hold it with 2 hands. And then how do you eat it? And that.

Jordan 0:15:56 Fucking writes itself, this stuff.

William 0:15:58 And apparently you're meant to just rip the top off and then nom nom nom.

Ben 0:16:02 Yeah, it keeps it tidy.

William 0:16:03 Yeah.

Jordan 0:16:04 Yeah.

William 0:16:04 Well, I was still managing because I had a plate underneath and, you know, some napkins, and I would— I'd do it nicely. But yeah, but now I've learned. So we have, you know, you don't know everything.

Jordan 0:16:14 No, you don't. Yeah. Some people— I've seen a guy once, because I do like a burrito. I was in a burrito restaurant and he ate the burrito sideways.

William 0:16:24 Oh, that's weird.

Ben 0:16:25 No.

Jordan 0:16:25 You fucking wrong'un.

William 0:16:27 Yeah.

Jordan 0:16:27 That's 3 F-words now. No more. Wendy will be onto me.

William 0:16:31 Okay.

Jordan 0:16:31 But yeah, I did see that once. Kind of turned on at the same time, but also—

William 0:16:35 Eating a burrito sideways?

Jordan 0:16:37 I'm joking.

William 0:16:37 No. What else?

Ben 0:16:38 It's been a hot day.

William 0:16:39 What else has gone on with your life?

Jordan 0:16:41 Oh, good. Can I just ask

William 0:16:42 you

Jordan 0:16:43 a personal question?

William 0:16:44 Alright.

Jordan 0:16:45 If you don't mind.

William 0:16:46 Yeah. 9.

Jordan 0:16:49 What? This week or? Family WhatsApp group.

William 0:16:54 Yeah. I

Jordan 0:16:56 find this quite fascinating. What's your picture?

William 0:16:58 On the family WhatsApp group? I don't know, actually. Let's have a look. It's just called—

Jordan 0:17:05 Can we get Gene Divas to post their pictures of the family WhatsApp group as well? Kind of want to know.

William 0:17:10 Oh, it's Mikey and my wedding.

Jordan 0:17:11 Oh, and is that the whole family?

William 0:17:13 Well, it's my parents, James, Mikey, and me.

Jordan 0:17:16 Ours. And I daren't change it, because obviously I think Wendy's admin. But ours is a picture of Frank, but it's a really shit picture.

William 0:17:25 And has it always been that, or was it set to that after, you know—

Jordan 0:17:30 I don't know, but look.

William 0:17:31 He was raptured, or whatever you call it.

Jordan 0:17:33 Oh. Yeah, look, it's cute. What's yours, Ben?

Ben 0:17:39 Mine's just a picture of a landscape from a holiday. I'm not even sure where it is.

Jordan 0:17:43 Yeah, I think we as a nation need to get better at having—

Ben 0:17:45 Yeah, I think

William 0:17:46 we do. Truly, you should just have a picture of the people in the group, if that's what you want, or as many people in the group as possible, depending on how big it is.

Jordan 0:17:52 Our family's huge. When would we get everyone?

William 0:17:54 So, hang on, is it— so, who's in your family WhatsApp group?

Jordan 0:17:57 Brothers.

William 0:17:58 And wives.

Jordan 0:17:59 Spouses, yeah.

William 0:18:01 Yeah. Children? No.

Jordan 0:18:02 I think my eldest nephew might be in it. I'm not sure.

William 0:18:06 Okay. Well, maybe. Just have whatever makes sense.

Jordan 0:18:12 I just imagined yours would be— yours is exactly how I imagined it.

William 0:18:14 I mean, ours, we're in formal morning attire. Standing in carriages. Yeah, just a standard family WhatsApp photograph.

Jordan 0:18:20 But yeah, in summary, I'm sunburnt, I'm hungover, I've had pizza for breakfast.

William 0:18:26 And nearly 40.

Jordan 0:18:27 And nearly 40. And England aren't bringing it home. I've got to be 40.

William 0:18:31 The England— The male Lionesses are not bringing it home. That's what we have to remember. The Lionesses probably will, just FYI.

Jordan 0:18:38 When I'm 40, what's sad is, because I really got into this last night because I was in my bed wide awake, like I'm gonna be 40, is I'll go either way and both make me sad. Like, I'll be like sober, which is fine, but I'll be one of those really boring sober people that tell everyone and how I used to be a bit of a wreckhead.

Ben 0:18:55 Or

Jordan 0:18:55 I'll be completely fucked and like still on the piss. And

William 0:19:01 well, I know which one my money's on.

Jordan 0:19:02 Yeah, so it's like, and that's quite sad.

William 0:19:04 It's a bit tragic. Yeah, I mean, it's tragic doing it in your mid-30s, but it's It gets more tragic as you get older.

Jordan 0:19:11 I'll be there drinking green tea, watching England, and going, oh, I hope they hurry up, I've got yoga in the morning. Oh, fuck it, I was gonna—

William 0:19:19 Oh, that would be so sweet. Oh, you could go for a gong bath. I can see you doing— oh, you've already gone for one of those.

Ben 0:19:23 Do you think that William will sort of continue to descend into party animal?

William 0:19:28 Yeah, yeah, we are switching personalities. I mean, this is, this is what is happening on this podcast.

Jordan 0:19:32 I'm gonna look like Robbie Williams before he got

William 0:19:36 Well…

Speaker D 0:19:37 I've booked—

Jordan 0:19:37 And a missing tooth and faggot.

William 0:19:40 I've got my cast-leving drinks tonight, and I've booked a hotel because I think it's going to be a late night.

Jordan 0:19:47 Jesus!

William 0:19:48 Yeah.

Jordan 0:19:49 Why have you booked a hotel?

William 0:19:51 Because I think it's going to be late night, and all the trains will have stopped to go home.

Jordan 0:19:54 Didn't you have an argument with someone at a hotel recently?

William 0:19:56 Well, yes, Mikey and I on Monday night, we went, which is day off the show, so it's sort of my only night to see him. I said, well, let's go away. Let's spend some time together. So, we went to a hotel nearby and— well, not nearby. It was about an hour and a half away. And the level of entitlement in— there was something— I'm not going to name the hotel, but there was something in the water. All these guests were so entitled, and I think what—

Jordan 0:20:22 Rude.

William 0:20:22 Rude to other guests, to staff. They would barge in front of you, have no sense of space. They thought it was their own private house, basically, and they could behave how they so wished. But we were sitting in what was called, like, the library or something, having a coffee. Bear in mind, it's a Monday during the heat wave. They've got— it was actually quite cool inside. They've got all the doors and windows open. It's all very nice in the country. And an Englishman was sitting by the fireplace, waiting, as he announced, for 10 minutes for the pool to be open so the kids could do kids' swim time or whatever, started at 12 o'clock. And—

Jordan 0:20:55 Where were your butlins?

William 0:20:56 Was ripping in was ripping into the waitress because they wouldn't light the fire. They're like, it's July. It's July. And they were like, I'm so sorry, sir, but it's July. It's quite hot in here anyway. The chimney hasn't been swept. We're unable to light the fire. And he could not— he did not like being told no. It was the most extraordinary thing to witness.

Jordan 0:21:18 I love how you say extraordinary.

William 0:21:21 Extraordinary. It was. And we just sort of sat there going, are we— What a knob. What a knob. Oh, it wound me up.

Jordan 0:21:27 What was he saying?

William 0:21:28 Oh, I want the fire lit. I want to sit here with a lit fire.

Ben 0:21:30 It's a heatwave!

William 0:21:32 I know!

Jordan 0:21:32 It's a fucking heatwave! He must have been wrong in head.

William 0:21:35 Well, he had some very jazzy swimming shorts on. How old was he? He was sitting in the library. That says it all. 40s. What? I mean, what an idiot.

Jordan 0:21:43 Why would you?

William 0:21:44 It really wound me up.

Jordan 0:21:45 Some people are annoying. I'm swearing too much. I was gonna call him a prick, but some people are— some people are annoying, aren't they?

William 0:21:51 Yeah. They are. Mikey sent me a very sweet text though. The night— the next night. It's probably the most romantic text I've ever received from Mikey.

Jordan 0:21:59 Oh, what did he say?

William 0:22:00 Just before he went to bed, and I was still— I was coming back from work. He had an early night. And he said, I love the way you fold towels. Good night. And I just thought that was so lovely.

Jordan 0:22:10 To you, that means a lot, doesn't it?

William 0:22:11 That was so nice. I know.

Jordan 0:22:13 He's a lovely boy.

William 0:22:14 He is a lovely boy.

Jordan 0:22:15 Yeah,

William 0:22:15 he is. So, I do fold towels pretty nicely, actually.

Jordan 0:22:18 Yeah.

William 0:22:19 And wash them beautifully.

Jordan 0:22:20 Yeah, he was, um, he was turning heads at the festival. It

William 0:22:24 was. Was he? With his singing?

Jordan 0:22:27 His handsomeness.

William 0:22:28 He is a very handsome boy.

Ben 0:22:30 Can you say the word excruciating?

William 0:22:31 Me? Yeah. Excruciating?

Ben 0:22:35 Why? Just interested how you said it.

Jordan 0:22:38 Um, you know, before— I'm gonna level with you here. Okay. Okay. Um, I like to think I'm professional. I've done this for quite a few years now.

William 0:22:46 What, this?

Jordan 0:22:47 Yeah, talking and shit. Um, before we go into the second part, Probably gonna need snacks and a Coke Zero, so I'll leave that with one of you guys. Also, I've not done a Jolly Joke of the Week. I've not had time. And you know what it's like the week before you go on holiday. So what do you wanna do? Do you want to go and have a quick look through my DMs?

William 0:23:07 No, I'm going to do William's Jolly Joke of the Week.

Jordan 0:23:10 Excuse me?

William 0:23:11 I'm going to do William's Jolly Joke of the Week. Here is the jingle.

Jordan 0:23:14 It's like you knew.

Speaker F 0:23:16 If you like a chap who's cheeky and southern, you're in for a treat with our William. And if a giggle is what you seek, you're sure to love William's Jolly Joke of the Week. Cha-cha-cha-cha, cha-cha-cha-cha-cha, cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha.

William 0:23:32 William. William.

Jordan 0:23:33 William. Great.

William 0:23:35 Great. High production values.

Jordan 0:23:37 I was just gonna say, you know I have high standards for production, but I actually quite liked how shit that was. Very good, guys. Very good.

William 0:23:44 Right. I've got— I mean, I've got several for you, because why stop at one?

Jordan 0:23:48 Okay.

William 0:23:48 But I'll start with this.

Jordan 0:23:49 Remember the punchline, to tease people. That's the whole point of it, so.

William 0:23:54 Right. Yeah, thanks. Yeah.

Jordan 0:23:56 So they come back for the second part.

Jordan 0:25:51 Alright, GM Divas, thanks so much for sticking with us. It's now time for, in a turn of events, William's Jolly Joke of the Week.

William 0:26:02 And here's my first one.

Jordan 0:26:05 I— do you know what? It's nice, this, 'cause I bloody love a good joke. You know I love a joke.

William 0:26:10 Customer walks up to an employee at the gym.

Jordan 0:26:12 Yeah.

William 0:26:12 You won't believe this. There's a man over there sticking his penis in a container of protein powder. The employee looks over and yells, no fucking way!

Jordan 0:26:20 Ah-ha! Way. Way. Yeah, yeah, great. Okay, go on, gimme another. Hit me with another.

William 0:26:27 Okay.

Jordan 0:26:27 I'll use that one. I'll tell the kids when I get home.

William 0:26:29 A lesbian vampire is eating out her girlfriend.

Jordan 0:26:31 Jesus Christ.

William 0:26:34 And after she's finished, she says, same time next month. What?

Jordan 0:26:38 Fuck. I need to stop. I'm so sorry. I'm acting like I've been dragged up in this episode. If you're listening, I'm so sorry. That was good. Okay.

William 0:26:48 3 nuns die.

Jordan 0:26:49 I love a nun joke.

William 0:26:51 Yeah. And arrive at the Pearly Gates.

Jordan 0:26:53 This is a great one. I know this one.

William 0:26:55 I think you've done it, but we'll do it again.

Jordan 0:26:57 I promise you it's a great one.

William 0:26:58 Saint Peter asked the first, can you name the first woman? Eve. Ding! The gates open. He asked the second, where did Eve live? The Garden of Eden. Ding! The gates open. He asked the third, what was the first thing Eve said to Adam? The nun thinks and says, Ooh, that's a hard one. Ding! The gate's open. It's a fun joke.

Jordan 0:27:17 It wasn't the one I was thinking of.

William 0:27:18 Which was the one you were thinking of?

Jordan 0:27:20 Something about— I'll tell it next week. Remember me to do the nun joke.

William 0:27:24 There are a lot of nun jokes I could have done.

Jordan 0:27:26 Let me do— hang on. The one I know is, uh, 4 nuns go to heaven,

William 0:27:34 and

Jordan 0:27:34 Saint Peter says to them, if you want to come in, you've got to confess. The sister one confesses to seen something she shouldn't have. So Saint Peter says, go and wash your eyes and you can go in. Sorry, I'm— this is your jolly joggle, but this is a classic.

William 0:27:48 No, no, no, but as ever, I love you.

Jordan 0:27:51 Sister 2 says to Saint Peter, I've got to confess, I touched something I shouldn't have. Saint Peter tells her, go to the fountain and wash your hands. Suddenly, 4th nun pushes away to the front line, and when Saint Peter says to her, what you doing? She says, if I'm gonna have to gargle that holy water, I want to do it before Sister Mary washes her arse in it. Carry on.

William 0:28:13 Well, there we go. No, I finished.

Jordan 0:28:14 No, no, no.

William 0:28:15 I've done 3.

Jordan 0:28:16 Oh, is that it?

William 0:28:16 Yeah.

Jordan 0:28:17 All right, sorry. I felt like I've—

William 0:28:19 we've done 4 jokes now. That's lovely. Well, what fun we've had.

Jordan 0:28:22 Now it's time for your questions and dilemmas. Remember, if you need our help with something, then you can get in touch. You can send your tales of trepidation to help@sexandmyboss.com, or you can DM us. We're @sexandmyboss on socials. Keep your problems and dilemmas and etiquette— The what? Things coming

William 0:28:36 in.

Jordan 0:28:37 Yama, yama, yama. And remember, we should say this more, we have no idea what's coming up.

William 0:28:41 No. This is from Fran. Dear William, Jordan, Ben, and the rest of the Sex Ed team, I'm 7 months postpartum. I've recently lost 2 stone and I'm fully embracing my hot mum era. Postpartum? She's had a baby. Naturally, I've taken myself to the local pool to parade my new confidence in a sensible one-piece and a swim cap that screams regional leisure centre rather than Baywatch. My issue is this: what's the etiquette for when 2 strangers decide your swimming lane is the ideal setting for their own ritual? Richard Curtis meet cute. Instead of swimming, they're chatting each other up at the end of the lane, blocking the wall like they're waiting for a train. Meanwhile, the rest of us are repeatedly approaching at speed, only to have to perform an awkward underwater tumble turn of passive aggression. Do I say, excuse me, lovebirds, some of us are trying to beat our PB? I tried doing that last night. Simply give them an increasingly theatrical side-eye every time I push off, or—

Jordan 0:29:29 That's good.

William 0:29:29 Thank you. Accept that I've accidentally joined single swim and quietly move lanes. Please settle this before I end up starring in my own local leisure centre scandal. Lots of love, Fran the Hot Mama from Surrey.

Jordan 0:29:40 Fran the Hot Mama from Surrey. Your words, not mine. If it's easy—

William 0:29:44 You saying she's a minger?

Jordan 0:29:46 If it's easy enough, just move lanes. If it's just bleh. But if not, I'd complain to the lifeguard.

William 0:29:52 Yeah, get the pool staff to do something. If you're in a swimming lane, you are expected to swim. Whether that's at—

Jordan 0:29:57 Third option, could you just say and stop?

William 0:29:59 I don't think they need a third.

Jordan 0:30:00 Just be like, I'm really sorry, but— Are you alright to not stop here? I'm trying to swim.

William 0:30:05 Yeah, just say, would you mind just moving to the side?

Jordan 0:30:08 It is annoying. I need— I miss swimming since I left my gym. 'Cause I used to like going for a good— it was good for a hangover. How's them snacks looking, Iz? Coke's here, come on, girl.

William 0:30:18 No one's moved, and I do not move. Go and get your own.

Jordan 0:30:22 I'm joking. I think you'll never— You think you are Mariah

Ben 0:30:27 Carey. I think you'll never send them down for snacks.

Jordan 0:30:28 I've never sent you down for snacks. And if we're going there, who pays for the bloody brownies every week? Thank you.

Ben 0:30:34 What? Whoa.

William 0:30:36 And where are today's?

Jordan 0:30:37 Oh, I've got the receipts because Kath's just done me accounts, so thank you very much, me accountant.

Ben 0:30:41 That's not— no. You haven't bought the brownies in years.

Jordan 0:30:45 I found— right, sorry, Gene Divis, just bear with a second. We'll go downstairs and we'll ask Kendall. I go in every week and get brownies. I text and says, do we need brownies?

Ben 0:30:53 Well, we don't see any of them.

Jordan 0:30:54 I get brownies every bloody— Oh, you're winding me up. William, back me up here.

William 0:30:59 Yeah?

Jordan 0:30:59 Don't I get the brownies every week?

William 0:31:01 You bring them up.

Jordan 0:31:02 When? I pay for— Anyway.

William 0:31:07 I'm just so easy to wind up. This is from anonymous.

Ben 0:31:10 What would be the most passive-aggressive thing that you could say to the people at the end of the lift?

William 0:31:14 You could just tread water in front of them and stare at them.

Jordan 0:31:16 I'd do a right big fart next to them.

Ben 0:31:20 A fart?

Jordan 0:31:21 In pool.

Ben 0:31:21 Would they know that it was a fart with all of the sort of choppy—

Jordan 0:31:25 Do you know what? I'd shit in the pool.

William 0:31:27 Oh, Jordan, no!

Jordan 0:31:28 I'd shit in the pool. I'm hungover and I'm angry. I'd shit in the pool.

William 0:31:32 Don't be like that.

Jordan 0:31:33 Fucking deal with it. I'm so sorry, I've got to stop swearing.

Ben 0:31:36 What about a one-liner? What sort of one-liner could you say? Come on, William, this is your thing.

Jordan 0:31:41 You're under pressure now.

William 0:31:44 Move before I punch you in the deep end.

Speaker D 0:31:47 That's good.

William 0:31:49 There

Ben 0:31:50 we go. Close enough.

William 0:31:51 This is from Anonymous. Hi, William and Jordan. Me and my girlfriend— my girlfriend and I were recently going at it in the bedroom. She went down on me and I was loving it, but suddenly I felt a fart brewing. At climax, I let it out by accident, and it was unfortunately a loud one and not only scarred— scared her— probably scarred her as well— it also scarred— scared my dog as well. She wasn't happy with me and hasn't spoken to me in days. Oh, It might be because at the time I laughed so hard I nearly cried. What should I do? What can I do next time? And have either of you ever farted during an intimate moment? Anonymous. You've never farted with me.

Jordan 0:32:24 That's a personal question.

William 0:32:29 If they're not— if your girlfriend's not—

Jordan 0:32:30 Girls don't find that funny.

William 0:32:31 Talking to you.

Jordan 0:32:33 Say that was— come on. Girls don't find that funny. Girls don't find farts funny.

William 0:32:38 You just go, I'm so sorry about that, and move on.

Jordan 0:32:40 Um, girls don't find trumps funny, so yeah, you probably need to apologise. Maybe get some flowers or something. Or, or you can get, get on Moonpig. Sorry for farting when I came.

William 0:32:49 No, I don't— I just think—

Jordan 0:32:52 Also, I think— what's the name?

William 0:32:54 Anonymous.

Jordan 0:32:55 Anonymous, get back in touch. How was that as an experience? Because imagine— I'm gonna say it, sorry, don't clip this out— imagine coming and farting at the same time is an amazing experience. An amazing experience. I bet as an orgasm goal, it was up there.

William 0:33:09 Do you want to roleplay?

Jordan 0:33:10 Imagine— If you want. Get the loo busy. Imagine—

Ben 0:33:18 Bloody hell, what else is on this shopping list?

Jordan 0:33:20 Imagine, right, imagine farting, coming, and sneezing at the same time. Imagine farting, coming, sneezing, and picking a really good blackhead at the same time. Imagine farting, coming, sneezing, Picking a good blackhead and getting some out your teeth at the same time. Your head would explode. Imagine farting, cumming, picking a blackhead, getting some out your teeth, and getting an ingrowing hair at the same time. Imagine that.

Ben 0:33:51 One more?

William 0:33:53 This will all get clipped, I'm just letting you know.

Jordan 0:33:58 Imagine farting, cumming, picking a blackhead,

William 0:34:02 Ingrowing hair.

Jordan 0:34:03 Ingrowing hair. Sorry, I went to market there. Getting something out of your teeth, ingrowing hair, um, and picking a nose hair at the same time with tweezers.

William 0:34:14 Oh, that's not—

Ben 0:34:16 that's not pleasant. Yeah,

Jordan 0:34:18 no, that is—

Ben 0:34:18 you've ruined it. Also, can you imagine doing that? I mean, obviously doing all of those things at the same time would be quite hard, but sneezing and picking a nose out of your—

William 0:34:26 Yeah, you can't do it.

Jordan 0:34:27 Imagine farting Sneeze, come in, pick your nose out, and crack all your fingers at the same time.

William 0:34:34 Oh, don't do that. I hate that.

Jordan 0:34:37 So get back in touch and let us know, as far as orgasms go, how was it?

William 0:34:40 Here's another from anonymous. Let's hope it's nice. Hello, William, Jordan, Ben, and the team. I'm coming to you with one of the hardest situations—

Jordan 0:34:47 You as well?

William 0:34:48 I've ever dealt with, and just know that our favourite dilemma daddies will know just what to say to help. I've been married to my wife for a couple of years, and I've got 2 children from a previous relationship, and she has one of her own from hers. We are a lovely blended family that all live together and are a complete team, or so I thought. When on holiday a few months ago, I overheard my wife and her sister speaking very badly about my eldest daughter. They were discussing the clothes she was wearing and how silly she looked in them. Oh. They then made fun of a few things she'd done at school, things that I thought I'd told my wife in private, but she'd obviously shared with her sister. I was devastated. I held my tongue and considered what I should do. Although I'm not proud of it, I chose to go through my wife's phone to see if this was a continuous theme of their chats. To say I was brokenhearted with what I found is an understatement. Their conversations showed myself and my family no respect at all. She has forwarded my private messages onto her sister, mocked my parents and grandparents, called them awful names, and ridiculed them to say so much more about my daughter too. Oh. I just don't know what to do. I feel betrayed, lied to, like I've been cheated on. My wife has said she is sorry and won't do this again, as I don't like it, but I can't ever know that she won't, and I just cannot trust her. How are we supposed to move forward? I know it's her sister, but how can we have a healthy relationship ever again if she's still in my wife's life? I'm honestly holding out hope that you have the answers. Keep being the lifeline you are to so many. Anonymous. Well, that's an awful thing to have. That's not nice at all.

Jordan 0:36:13 That's terrible. I mean, we would say the obvious things like communicate and talk it out, but it feels like this is— niggling away. I think maybe a bit of couples therapy. Yeah. I'd get sat down with a therapist and speak this out because they'll—

William 0:36:29 I mean, it's pricey, but you could do it.

Jordan 0:36:30 Yeah, it'll be worth it to, to save your relationship because this is going to niggle away.

William 0:36:34 If you want to save it, that's the question. I mean, you've got to rebuild that trust now, and that's not going to happen over, you know, a day. That's going to take months, if not longer.

Jordan 0:36:41 Well, they say, it's always on telly, you know, when people have affairs and stuff, a lot of people, I don't know if that's true, they say it's not, it's not always about the sex, it's the trust, isn't it? It's the trust. I think—

William 0:36:53 You've got to keep—

Jordan 0:36:53 I feel like I'm fobbing you off here because—

William 0:36:55 I would ask her motivations. Why did you feel the need to do that? And it's also the disparity between being sort of so lovely and— about your daughter and your family to you, and then the two-facedness of it all, and then being so mean on text, and then in conversation as well, as you have overheard. I think sitting down and saying, look, can I just understand, you know, what are your true feelings? Let's deal with them. Yeah, she may, she may not. We can't like everyone, but you can certainly have a respect for, for someone. And I would say your daughter is someone who deserves respect, unless she's done something to slight your wife.

Jordan 0:37:30 Yeah, I think before you maybe go down the therapy route, just try keep talking it, keep bringing it up, even though it's going to be painful. Go for a good walk, that's always good to clear the air, or long car journey.

William 0:37:41 Yes, walk is nice neutral territory as well.

Jordan 0:37:43 I think in the car's just as good. You can have it out.

William 0:37:46 Oh no, no, you don't want to get hot and bothered. No, not when you're driving.

Jordan 0:37:49 In the car's good, I think, to Have a good chat.

William 0:37:51 No, I've tried that.

Jordan 0:37:52 So, um, well, I'd recommend that. And then if it's still niggling away after talking it and talking it through, you want to see a little couples counsellor.

Ben 0:38:01 They do say that people— when you're having a conversation, when you're both facing forward, it's much easier. Like, psych— it's a psychological—

Jordan 0:38:07 Yeah,

William 0:38:08 I always park the car.

Ben 0:38:09 Park the car.

Jordan 0:38:11 Yeah, I know if I've got a bit of a journey in the car, I think I'll bring that up.

Speaker D 0:38:15 Oh, is that bad?

Ben 0:38:18 Yes.

Jordan 0:38:18 Is it?

William 0:38:19 Well, depends what you're gonna want to bring up.

Jordan 0:38:21 Not like in a weird controlling type way. I think that'll be good to chat about there. Can't be arsed now, telly's on. Do you know what I mean?

William 0:38:28 Are you one of those— you are one of those people that have to have the television on almost all the time? 'Cause every time I've come over to yours— not, to be fair, not for soirées in the evening. But if I've come over when we're doing costume fittings, or I've come over for other reasons just to say hi, for a cup of coffee, the TV's always on.

Jordan 0:38:46 Yeah, or the radio.

William 0:38:48 Yeah, yeah, I can't do that.

Jordan 0:38:49 Usually the radio in the day.

William 0:38:51 No, I have to have absolute silence.

Jordan 0:38:53 Usually the radio in the day.

William 0:38:54 If I've got a friend over, I want to hear them. I don't want to hear hearts.

Jordan 0:38:57 Same when you're— I can't sit in silence. I think that's so weird. Sometimes just— yeah, I can't.

William 0:39:04 Why not?

Jordan 0:39:05 Because I'm northern. We have to have telly on in the background.

William 0:39:09 You see, no wonder you're overstimulated and ADHD, undiagnosed.

Jordan 0:39:13 You think?

William 0:39:13 Yeah.

Jordan 0:39:14 No, I can't just— I— yeah.

William 0:39:17 Just have nothing.

Jordan 0:39:18 So when you're like pottering around kitchen and you're doing your side dishes—

William 0:39:21 Very rarely. Not all of them are sides.

Jordan 0:39:25 And you just do it—

William 0:39:26 Hmm. Not—

Jordan 0:39:29 You do it with no music or no radio? Yes.

William 0:39:33 Okay, well, I'll often be listening to this podcast or another one. to preview, but other than that, I've— I have very little on.

Jordan 0:39:39 The only time I do it is when I'm reading.

William 0:39:40 Hmm.

Jordan 0:39:42 But that's usually in the garden at the moment. So when I get home, it's Sky News, just because I've had radio on and I've listened to music and stuff. I've done that for like half an hour, have the brew, then I put me podcast on or something. Modern Family.

William 0:39:54 Just try—

Jordan 0:39:54 A little bliss hour.

William 0:39:55 Try nothing.

Jordan 0:39:56 I've had some great bliss hours this week.

William 0:39:58 Have you?

Jordan 0:39:58 Oh yeah.

William 0:39:59 What's the heat?

Jordan 0:40:00 No, I don't do that in my bliss hour. Yes, you do. No, I don't.

William 0:40:03 We all know you do, Jordan.

Jordan 0:40:05 Why do people— no, you all think that. I'm nearly 40. Oh, that's another thing as well.

William 0:40:10 Jordan, you've got 4 years.

Jordan 0:40:11 No, you've got to stop that at 40 as well, haven't you? You don't want to be 40 and still wanking it downstairs toilet.

William 0:40:17 Yeah, okay, well, there's an insight. This is from Amy.

Jordan 0:40:22 No, I don't now, but I'm just saying.

William 0:40:24 This is from Amy. Hello, William, Jordan, and the sexy team. A few years ago, I joined a new dentist to have my wisdom teeth removed. Unfortunately, they didn't have any NHS slots, so I had to choose private, which I was unsure I could afford at the time. Anyway, I met my dentist and immediately the energy shifted. Over the few visits before my wisdom teeth were removed, he gave me his business card with his personal number handwritten on it and a heart next to it. He gave it to me when the dental assistant left the room for a few minutes and asked if it was just him or if there was definitely a vibe between us. I agreed and eventually we started dating. Oh. Things went well for a while. He removed my 2 wisdom teeth— classic third date— that were causing me trouble and even offered to pay for it as I explained I couldn't afford it and was wanting an NHS appointment instead. To clarify, I paid him back— Sure you did. Monthly for 6 months and paid every penny back to him. Things began to fizzle for me after a few months, and I started to realise that he wasn't the right person for me long term. I decided to break things off with him, and the next time I saw him, as I felt a message or phone call would be rude after 8 months together. When I arrived at his house, he said the door was open on the latch and to let myself in. I went into the lounge and there were massive balloons and confetti everywhere. He was on his knee Holding a ring box with will you marry me bombs behind it.

Jordan 0:41:38 Oh

William 0:41:39 shit. I froze. Eventually, I asked him to get up and said it wasn't the right time. I explained how I felt. He started to cry quite loudly, explaining that his whole family were behind the kitchen door ready for a party and currently hiding.

Jordan 0:41:53 Oh Jesus.

William 0:41:54 I apologised and ran out the door out of pure embarrassment.

Jordan 0:41:57 His family were there.

William 0:41:59 I felt awful for making him feel that way, but it's better I say no now. than say yes and not being happy knowing it's not right. He tried contacting me a lot, so I ended up blocking him. Come to now, my 2 other wisdom teeth have been bothering me.

Jordan 0:42:11 There's the dilemma.

William 0:42:13 And I'm in a lot of pain. I've called— I've called other dentists within a 30-mile radius of me, and there are only 3 accepting NHS appointments. I've been added to all their waiting lists but have been told it's an average of a 2-year wait.

Jordan 0:42:26 Jesus. On its arse.

William 0:42:29 As I'm in a lot of pain, I wondered about going to my ex's dental practice instead, as I'm already registered and wouldn't be waiting the 2-year wait. But obviously it's really rather awkward. What does one do? Do I wait the 2 years and cope with my wisdom teeth until then, or should I swallow my pride and awkwardness and book one with my ex? Thank you so much for all the laughs and comfort. I'm sorry, Amy, but you absolutely cannot go to your ex to have your wisdom teeth taken out when you did that.

Jordan 0:42:52 I completely and utterly disagree.

William 0:42:54 No!

Jordan 0:42:54 No, I am sorry.

William 0:42:56 I'm sorry.

Jordan 0:42:56 No, no, no, no, no.

William 0:42:58 I disagree. No. No, no, completely. Jordan.

Jordan 0:43:01 You didn't finish, but I will—

William 0:43:03 I have— Fine, you can have your right to reply.

Jordan 0:43:04 I completely and utterly disagree.

William 0:43:07 Yes.

Jordan 0:43:07 I've never disagreed with you more here.

William 0:43:09 Right. Yes, it is awkward. He— I would also— when you propose, when you get— when you're gonna propose to anyone, don't have your whole family hiding. Like, come on. Yeah. 'Cause there is a chance they'll say no, or something might happen. You are sticking your finger in that socket. So don't do that. I don't like that. You've done stuff like that. That's odd. I'd also— Amy, you haven't put this in your letter. Did you two have the sort of chat, are we heading in that sort of marriage direction? Sounds like you didn't. Which is not on you. That's on both of you. You can't go— I mean, or you go and you expect that he'll probably do it, but he will not sedate you or give you any numbing cream.

Jordan 0:43:43 Right. Are you done?

William 0:43:46 Yes.

Jordan 0:43:48 As someone who has suffered for years with wisdom teeth, let me tell you. There is no pain like it.

William 0:43:53 Yeah, no, no, I'm not, I'm not diminishing the pain.

Jordan 0:43:55 And many people here listening to Hellfire Sex and My Boss who've had wisdom teeth pain before, it literally can— it, it, it's so painful. It can be quite deliberating at times. Is that the right word?

William 0:44:09 No, debilitating.

Jordan 0:44:10 Debilitating. I knew I'd said it wrong. It can be very debilitating at times.

William 0:44:13 Yeah.

Jordan 0:44:14 And I knew at Christmas I had to get mine out. I was so ill, and I would have— I would have— if my worst enemy If friggin Chris Sutton, Blackburn Rovers, he hates me, if he said I'll do it—

William 0:44:28 1.5.

Jordan 0:44:28 Yeah, if he says I'll do it for you, I, I would have let him do it. Do you know what I mean? I would have let my worst enemy do it. The pain. So if you've no other options, you can't wait 2 years, and you haven't got the money, and you haven't got the money to go private, I would. I know the pain.

Ben 0:44:45 I do think that—

Jordan 0:44:46 I would say, I'm really sorry, I am desperate, but will you take my wisdom teeth out? And it'd be also good to catch up and—

William 0:44:54 Good to catch up?

Jordan 0:44:55 Yeah.

William 0:44:56 Good to catch up? You've broken his heart.

Jordan 0:44:58 He's gone out for 8 months. Do it. Go ring him.

William 0:45:00 8 months, not 8 years.

Jordan 0:45:01 Trust me, he is. I know. I, I, when I see people who've got wisdom teeth now, people who say to me—

William 0:45:06 What do you mean when you see people? When you say you've got wisdom teeth, you've got wisdom teeth.

Jordan 0:45:10 When they've got problems, someone I remember Sian's mum saying to me, she looked me right in the eye and she went, I know exactly how you're feeling at jingle bell balls. She went, there's no pain like it. I went, thank you. And I do the same now.

Ben 0:45:21 So I wouldn't recommend sort of asking a BBC Radio 5 Live pundit to take your wisdom teeth out, just so that's clear.

William 0:45:28 No. Yeah, absolutely.

Jordan 0:45:29 He'd bore you

William 0:45:30 to death. Rick Edwards is quite good. He's quite good. He's trained in dentistry.

Jordan 0:45:33 He'd bore you to death first anyway.

William 0:45:35 So what, Rick Edwards?

Jordan 0:45:36 No, not Rick Edwards. Rick Edwards is a great lad.

William 0:45:37 Yeah.

Ben 0:45:38 Adrian Charles might do a good job.

William 0:45:40 He's actually a chiropodist part-time, actually. He does the other end of the body.

Jordan 0:45:44 Is he? No! I need to get my feet done. I'm actually gonna get them done on holiday. I've got like little— I don't know what.

William 0:45:54 You've got what?

Jordan 0:45:55 Dead skin and stuff I need him doing.

William 0:45:57 Sheila Fogarty did my back second crack. She didn't. Just my back.

Ben 0:46:04 Just the same.

Jordan 0:46:06 Nick Ferrari? What about Nick Ferrari?

William 0:46:07 He's a masseuse.

Jordan 0:46:09 Oh, is he? Yep. Okay. James O'Brien?

William 0:46:11 No, he doesn't do anything.

Jordan 0:46:12 What about Matt Chorley?

William 0:46:14 Well, we don't talk about that.

Jordan 0:46:16 Oh, okay.

William 0:46:17 I've signed an NDA.

Jordan 0:46:18 This is a good game, this. What other jobs would radio presenters have?

William 0:46:21 Yes.

Jordan 0:46:22 Rachel Burden?

William 0:46:25 I think she'd be a good chef.

Ben 0:46:26 I feel like we're going quite niche with 5 Live. Yeah. As much as I love them all, I feel for the American listeners with all these names.

Jordan 0:46:34 Well, this is our culture.

William 0:46:36 Yes. I agree. Howard Stern!

Jordan 0:46:38 Well, they can Google Sheila Fogarty.

Ben 0:46:41 If you can spell it.

William 0:46:43 Yeah, actually. Yeah, the American will be on the floor with that. Our final dilemma is from James. Dear William and Jordan, and the lovely Help I Sected My Boss team. I live in a ground floor flat, and thanks to the recent warm weather, have been leaving my kitchen window open on the latch. A few weeks ago, I discovered that my washing-up liquid had mysteriously vanished. As there can't be much of a black market for cleaning products, I put this down to an opportunistic passerby. Fast forward 2 weeks and history has repeated itself. Only this time, the phantom cleanser has stolen both the replacement bottle and my disinfectant spray. I've somehow become the victim of Britain's most hygiene-conscious criminal. So my dilemma is this: what is the correct etiquette when one finds oneself the victim of a serial detergent thief? Does one simply accept the loss and wish them sparkling worktops, or is one morally justified in leaving out a booby-trapped bottle in the hope of teaching them a lesson? At what point does it cross the line from innocent victim to washing-up liquid vigilante? Trivial dilemma aside, I just wanted to say thank you for all the work that goes into the podcast. It never fails to cheer me up, and listening to it makes my walk into work every Tuesday and Friday so much easier. Thank you both for being you. James.

Jordan 0:47:49 Oh, James, that's a lovely message. Thank you. Some are going round. Have I told you what I got nicked from outside me house? What? Bog roll, lampshade, and a champagne bucket.

William 0:47:59 Why was it outside your house?

Jordan 0:48:01 'Cause delivery, I was in Henley. So sweet, the fella next door, I think he's a bit of an old fella, was like, I seen him do it, but there were 2 of them and I didn't want to confront them. And he wrote me a lovely letter saying sorry for not confronting them. I was like, are you daft, Gav? Don't be daft, it's only a bloody lampshade, some bog roll.

Ben 0:48:17 What you actually said was— Are you joking?

Jordan 0:48:18 But it's been like a, it's been like a Richard, Um, thingy novel. What's he called? Curtis? Richard Osman novel, because he keeps sending letters through going, I've spoke to so-and-so, bless him, down the road, they've got CCTV footage. And he went, just to let you know also, um, I've got another witness. Bless

William 0:48:34 him.

Jordan 0:48:35 So someone's going around.

Ben 0:48:36 My running shoes were nicked outside the front of my door.

Jordan 0:48:38 Just kidding. It's the world we live in. World we live in.

William 0:48:41 I would—

Jordan 0:48:41 You couldn't put your washing out in some parts of Burnley, it gets robbed.

William 0:48:44 So back to James, I would say Probably what I would do, I would do the booby trap bottle. Put acid in it.

Jordan 0:48:53 Maybe not acid.

Ben 0:48:56 We can't justify that.

Jordan 0:48:57 Maybe not acid, but I like where you're going. Maybe you could put paint on it. So when they grab it, you know, like that graffiti paint.

William 0:49:07 Oh, superglue it.

Jordan 0:49:08 Superglue it, and it sticks to them.

Ben 0:49:10 Oh no, that feels a bit too—

Jordan 0:49:11 What?

William 0:49:12 So when they— and then they're just—

Jordan 0:49:14 Could be GBH. that.

Ben 0:49:15 I mean, maybe, maybe you should just— maybe you should just leave out— if you get through a bottle, just leave out the ones with just PVA.

Jordan 0:49:21 Or like at school when you used to peel it off your hands, because now it'd be annoying.

William 0:49:25 Or super glue the bottle to the worktop and then they'll get like, ugh.

Jordan 0:49:29 Yeah, leave a trap. No, right, what you could do is leave a trap, right? So you are in bushes or under sink, um, leave it there, the bottle or something shiny, and then when you go, go, gotcha! Stop rubbing me Fairy Liquid. This is the weirdest thing ever.

William 0:49:46 Can we just— going back to cleaning products, last week you were talking about your—

Ben 0:49:50 Skip the soap.

Jordan 0:49:51 Skip the soak.

William 0:49:51 It's— right, you've got it right today because you've obviously read the comments, haven't you?

Jordan 0:49:56 I don't read comments. Yeah. Because if you read comments, you'll never get out of bed in the morning.

William 0:50:00 Well, I'm surprised to hear that.

Jordan 0:50:01 That's what I say.

William 0:50:01 Yes, it is Fairy Skip the Soak, not Skip the Soap.

Jordan 0:50:06 Whatever. Skip the soak. I don't read comments.

William 0:50:08 No.

Jordan 0:50:09 So.

Ben 0:50:10 He could have been talking about a different product.

William 0:50:11 Yeah, there's a niche product that—

Ben 0:50:14 Skip the soap.

Jordan 0:50:14 Good morning to all our YouTubers watching.

William 0:50:16 I thought they were— they were— Ah, they're all right.

Jordan 0:50:19 Most of them are nice.

William 0:50:20 Yes.

Jordan 0:50:21 Uh, so yeah, I think leaving a booby trap for that.

William 0:50:24 Yeah.

Jordan 0:50:25 Or just keep—

Ben 0:50:25 I think just replacing it with tap water is all you need to do.

Jordan 0:50:28 What's the weirdest thing you've had robbed? Apart from your dignity.

William 0:50:31 What happens weekly on a Tuesday. Um, I Well, not long after we moved into where we are now, someone nicked an Amazon thing. It was only full of cardboard sleeves for books, for protection. I was like, you've just nicked a load of cardboard.

Jordan 0:50:47 Oh, it's so annoying, innit?

William 0:50:48 We've now got a high-security camera.

Jordan 0:50:50 Yeah, we're good.

William 0:50:52 At least we'll see it happening, which is fine. No, I don't think anything's been robbed.

Jordan 0:50:56 Bog roll for me.

William 0:50:58 So what are you using to—

Jordan 0:50:59 Oh, we're— I'm all right. I've got enough. Fine, it's keeping me going. Doing all right.

William 0:51:04 Well, lovely. Thank you for your questions and dilemmas, everyone.

Jordan 0:51:07 That's my part.

William 0:51:07 I just thought I'd—

Jordan 0:51:08 I don't read your parts.

William 0:51:09 I don't have any parts to read.

Jordan 0:51:12 Thank you for your questions and tight lemons, everybody.

William 0:51:14 Is there an echo?

Jordan 0:51:15 You can listen every Tuesday and Friday in 24 hours before anywhere else on Global Player, and you can watch us on YouTube. We put the full episodes up on every release day. Just head to YouTube and search for Sexted.

William 0:51:26 See you on Friday.

Jordan 0:51:27 Auf Wiedersehen.

William 0:51:28 Pets.