Mistaken Identities | And Skinny Dipping Fun

Jordan 0:02:04 Hello and welcome to our Friday episode where we see how much extra content we can squeeze into your week. Random things that have been sent in, extra bits that have been going on, and how our advice went down with you, our wonderful GND-ers.

William 0:02:30 How the dickens are you?

Jordan 0:02:31 I'm good. How the dickens are you?

William 0:02:33 I'm alright. We're on a programme called Saturday Kitchen on Saturday, tomorrow.

Jordan 0:02:38 Yes.

William 0:02:38 If you're listening to this contemporaneously.

Jordan 0:02:41 Yes, if you're listening to this on Friday, tomorrow we are on Saturday Kitchen from 9— no, 10.

William 0:02:47 When it's on, check your radio times.

Jordan 0:02:49 10 o'clock it's on, I think, Saturday Kitchen.

William 0:02:51 In the morning.

Jordan 0:02:52 Wait, I can hear someone Googling.

William 0:02:53 10.

Jordan 0:02:56 10. Thank Christ. How many producers do you get to Google, eh? Yes.

William 0:03:01 Now, you've done the show before.

Jordan 0:03:02 It's great. I've done the show. This will be my hat trick. Oh. Back of the net.

William 0:03:07 There we go. A show that is the exception that proves the rule. It can— you can be on it.

Jordan 0:03:12 Yes!

William 0:03:13 And it still will continue. We were all a bit worried it was going to be the last ever performance of Titanic. But luckily, we have continued.

Jordan 0:03:19 I'm not that much of a jinx.

William 0:03:20 Now, there's going to be a food— Is this where they do food heaven, food hell?

Jordan 0:03:25 Yeah, so yours will be fish.

William 0:03:26 Well, on this, I was thinking, should I say when I do my research call— Don't mess it up. I hate pasta. Because then when everyone inevitably gets me to pick my food hell, I'm actually, haha.

Jordan 0:03:42 Do you know what? And there's not many people— there is— oh, do you know what? There's not many people that, that get picked as hell.

William 0:03:51 Oh, they'll pick me as hell.

Jordan 0:03:52 But they will— in fact, there's, there's only a handful in like the past few years. But I know you will, and I want all the G&D-ers to rally around on Saturday. Make sure you're watching and listening and vote for William's food hell, please.

William 0:04:05 Can I get away on Saturday Kitchen with saying nothing fishy touches my lips?

Jordan 0:04:09 Yeah, you can go with it.

William 0:04:10 Okay, fine.

Jordan 0:04:11 Yeah, so please, please, if you want to watch some fishy touch William's lips, watch us on Saturday Kitchen tomorrow, Gene Divas, and vote. They'll tell you when you watch it how to vote. It's on the website. I don't think you have to pay for it.

William 0:04:21 I'm not eating Matt Tebbutt's prawn.

Jordan 0:04:23 It's such a fun show. It's such a fun show. And you'll meet Amanda, who runs it and stuff. She's great and everything. It's such a—

William 0:04:31 From Senuas.

Jordan 0:04:32 Senuas?

William 0:04:33 You clearly haven't watched Amanda Land.

Jordan 0:04:36 Um, it's fun, and, um, you get, uh, you get to drink. Only thing is, be careful because you've got to do 2 shows. Oh, I have never left there. Sian Welby.

William 0:04:46 I remember you 2 got into trouble. Well, you 3.

Jordan 0:04:48 We had to put her in a taxi. She weren't that bad, but she were pissed.

William 0:04:53 I remember watching Barry Humphries do it, the late Barry Humphries, and he was outrageous. It was hilarious.

Jordan 0:04:58 Yeah, because they just play with wine at 9 in the morning. I do want wine. Going to Sian's, you're like, Telling her where it's from and stuff and what the grape— what, like, the area. So she went, it's all grape stuck, eh? And just downed it. Yeah, it'll be good. I'm looking forward to it. Can you bring the D?

Ben 0:05:13 Hi guys.

William 0:05:15 Oh yeah, probably.

Jordan 0:05:16 Yeah, let's take some to Bonnet, actually.

Ben 0:05:18 Take some to Bonnet.

Jordan 0:05:19 Can I leave that with you? Yeah.

William 0:05:22 Yep, great.

Jordan 0:05:23 Right, I'll text them to Bonnet. I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm going on a boat party after that.

William 0:05:27 A boat party?

Jordan 0:05:28 Yeah, I've got to be on a boat for half one. I'm going on an all-day piss-up. Wow. Well, I'm gonna be hammered, and then I'm flying on Sunday, I'm going to Greece. Not thought this through, have I?

William 0:05:38 You have not thought that through. Can you be ill?

Jordan 0:05:40 What?

William 0:05:41 Could you be ill?

Jordan 0:05:41 Oh, I can't let people down. Where is— can we go into the Help I Sexed My Boss cupboard? Don't ask any questions, I don't want any sniggering. The sailor's outfit from not the last tour, the tour previously, where is that please? Asking for a friend.

Ben 0:05:54 It's in storage.

Jordan 0:05:55 Yeah, can I, uh, have that out of storage please?

William 0:05:57 Actually, my Kylie Minogue costume, in all seriousness, I would actually quite like it.

Jordan 0:06:00 Yeah, I wouldn't mind that. I could have worn it for our Pride warm-up the other the other day at the, at the theatre. So can we go into the storage for, for the boat party? Is Producer Matt in there?

William 0:06:13 What's happened to him?

Jordan 0:06:14 Yeah, Merchandise Matt, is he in there? Has anyone fed him for a while?

Ben 0:06:17 It's all up in Salford.

Jordan 0:06:18 Oh, okay.

Ben 0:06:18 Yeah, Merchandise Matt is just— he just keeps track of everything.

Jordan 0:06:22 Yeah, he's in there. Yeah, like that, kid. I want you after a fucking sailor's outfit. Come here, I've got that for you there, mate. Where is he?

Ben 0:06:30 You'd have to listen back to episodes from January 2020 for that reference.

Jordan 0:06:35 For merchandise.

Ben 0:06:35 Wow, over 6 years ago.

Jordan 0:06:37 Is he still at Audio Always?

Ben 0:06:39 There's a story there, but yeah, he's with Audio Always currently.

Jordan 0:06:42 Okay. Ah, like there, lads. Yeah, basically we used to have a merch stand, for those who don't know, and he used to sell merch to us.

Ben 0:06:50 Yeah, I imagine some people will— well, some G&Ders will be like, they would have missed him, yeah.

William 0:06:55 in between smoking rollies.

Jordan 0:06:56 Ah, like there, lads, what you want here? I'll do you 2 for a tenner, how about that? I'll chuck in a pig stick for the dog.

Ben 0:07:04 Matt and I shared a bed, that's what I always—

Jordan 0:07:07 Oh yeah. God, you've made me go over that.

William 0:07:09 Jordan and I were sharing a bed and we were like, fine, we've known each other years, not a problem. You two were like, you know, you did a little pillow, sort of pillows down the middle of the bed so you didn't possibly touch.

Jordan 0:07:19 It's pathetic. Oh, by the way, before everyone goes, I've nicked that quote from Phoenix Nights, but pig stick for the duck. Right, let's do it. What have we got?

William 0:07:29 Last week I said I was planning to try something new on my holiday. And we asked our Geodeevers to guess.

Jordan 0:07:34 How was that for you, both?

William 0:07:35 We haven't tried it yet, actually. Oh, okay. But thanks for the tips. But we asked—

Jordan 0:07:42 Once it's in, it done it.

William 0:07:49 We asked you to guess what it was. So, have we done any of them? How close are the Geodeevers? And would you try this? Heidi said, strawpedoing, whatever that is, a blue WKD. Stephanie said downing Lady Petro. Petro? Petrol. What is strawpedoing, please?

Jordan 0:08:09 Well, you down a bottle, but you keep the straw in, so if you have the straw in, it comes out quicker. That was the old rule.

William 0:08:14 Really? I thought it would be slower. You put a straw in a bottle, and then you bend the straw.

Ben 0:08:18 You hold the straw bent, and through some sort of physics, the liquid comes out super quick. So, if you don't mind a lot of liquid hitting the back of your throat very quickly, then it's good for you.

Jordan 0:08:29 We'll— before we leave this earth, me and you will strawpedo a WKD. I might do that on holiday.

Ben 0:08:34 Yeah, could do it next week.

Jordan 0:08:37 Okay, is that what you're gonna be doing?

William 0:08:38 No.

Jordan 0:08:38 Okay.

William 0:08:39 On a style note, Emily said fake tan. Abi said flip-flops and a vest. Annie said socks and sandals. I would never do socks and sandals.

Jordan 0:08:47 Socks and sandals is back in.

William 0:08:48 I know Mike is doing it around the house at the moment. I don't like it.

Ben 0:08:50 You do do fake tan though, every night.

William 0:08:52 I don't fake tan every night. I've had spray tans.

Jordan 0:08:55 Same thing, isn't it?

William 0:08:57 Well, yes, but it's— I would say fake tan is more at home, whereas a spray tan is more professional.

Jordan 0:09:03 I'm the best at rubbing fake tanning because I learned as a camp— young Jordan used to do it for Wendy, didn't he?

William 0:09:08 Do you use a mitt or do you use your hands?

Jordan 0:09:09 I used to use my hands, and I've talked about this before, I forgot to wash them and went into school next day and everyone took the piss out of me. Miss Crank from IT made me go to staff room.

William 0:09:16 Miss Crank?

Jordan 0:09:17 Yeah, she made me go to staff room. Sounds like she's from Roald Dahl. Hey, don't— I still speak to No, I'm sure she's lovely. She's called me Donna. She's deputy here.

William 0:09:26 Donna Crank. That is a name from either Roald Dahl or Horrible Henry.

Jordan 0:09:30 You know that YouTube series I'm doing, Me Outta the Deck? You can watch it on there. They turned up, my old teachers, you know, that surprise dinner party.

William 0:09:37 Yes.

Jordan 0:09:37 I'll get a plug in for one of my things, seeing as you do, can't get them, but it's on YouTube. Just type in Genevieve's Surprise Dinner Party. I have to, I don't know what I'm cooking or who I'm cooking for. I have to start making the dinner, and then Guess comes with that Jedward and like— And Miss Crank. And my teachers. Anyway.

Ben 0:09:54 Did you remember them all?

Jordan 0:09:55 Yes, but I kept calling Mr. Waters Mr. Walters for some reason.

Ben 0:09:59 Oh, you're joking.

Jordan 0:10:00 Which I felt bad for.

William 0:10:02 Um, will you be wearing shorts in Greece? You must be wearing shorts in Greece. Will I be wearing shorts?

Jordan 0:10:07 Of course I bloody well.

William 0:10:08 Yeah, I think it's fine to wear shorts on holiday. It's not a problem.

Jordan 0:10:11 Went for a run the other day. I have to take me top off.

William 0:10:14 Oh, of course he will.

Jordan 0:10:16 For the first time. Really liberating. Honestly, I know why nudists are into it now. 'Cause I think that's what it's like.

William 0:10:22 No, but remember, I've said it before with nudist beaches. They don't all look like Shawn Mendes on nudist beaches. You don't turn up and you're looking at loads of Shawn Mendes and Tom Hollands. You are looking at different body types, which is fine. But just— What the fuck are you wearing?

Jordan 0:10:36 I'm running care.

William 0:10:37 Why are you wearing rainbow glass? Also, why is it upside down? Why is it upside down? So… What? What?

Jordan 0:10:45 I'm currently running down the river with my top off, and it's, uh, it's quite liberating.

William 0:10:52 What are you wearing?

Jordan 0:10:54 My vest!

William 0:10:55 Your vest? But what? God, okay.

Ben 0:10:57 Turning a few heads. Can you turn it round the right way, please?

William 0:11:00 Can you not edit and rotate that? That's annoying.

Jordan 0:11:03 Anyway.

Ben 0:11:03 Your sunglasses look quite swish as well. Yes.

William 0:11:06 Have you had them a long time? No?

Jordan 0:11:08 A couple of years.

William 0:11:10 Well, you look lovely, Jordan.

Jordan 0:11:11 Thank you.

William 0:11:12 There were a few activity suggestions. Rye said, I might be trying camping.

Jordan 0:11:16 You have more chance of plaiting piss than him camping. No chance.

William 0:11:20 Danielle said skinny dipping. Absolutely not.

Jordan 0:11:23 You see more chance of that in Ibiza. Did ya? You're alright, dirty bitch. Look at that. Ooh, that was a good one.

William 0:11:29 He's just given me a wink.

Jordan 0:11:30 Do you know what? As far as winks go, that was pretty sexy that Ben just did.

William 0:11:33 I feel like I'm reading that letter from Tuesday again.

Jordan 0:11:35 I skinny dipped in— Snitches, funnily enough.

William 0:11:38 Did you? That's not called skinny dipping.

Jordan 0:11:40 At a wedding I went to.

William 0:11:42 At a wedding?

Jordan 0:11:43 I ended up skinny dipping. Oh, I've done it. I've skinny dipped in Ibiza, actually.

Ben 0:11:47 You and me both, sometimes.

William 0:11:49 Yeah, just going back to your skinny dipping, were you with— you were obviously with Kat. Yes. I assume, unless she was out.

Ben 0:11:53 She was there.

William 0:11:54 And other friends.

Ben 0:11:55 Yeah.

William 0:11:56 Do you not find that awkward?

Ben 0:11:57 It was a— it was a— there was a very— it very much didn't feel like a Hollywood movie where everyone was like jumping in and like frolicking. It was very much like everyone looked that way whilst the girls get in the pool. And you— it was—

William 0:12:09 and how about when you get out the pool?

Jordan 0:12:10 Can I—

Ben 0:12:11 then everyone left. It was very— it was, it was quite methodical.

Jordan 0:12:14 You don't do it in the pool, you do it in the sea.

Ben 0:12:16 Well, I did. I was— I was—

William 0:12:17 Yeah, because surely in a pool you can see everything because of the chlorine. No, you don't.

Jordan 0:12:21 We did it. We ran in and then you take your stuff off and it feels— honestly, it feels amazing. And it's— it actually feels amazing in the sea. And you're like, Balls and tits. Yeah, we— yeah, that was what we did. It genuinely— I've only done it once, innit? What with me running with me top off and skinny dipping.

William 0:12:39 Are you okay? Do you need a fart?

Jordan 0:12:41 We're doing it.

William 0:12:42 You are like a dog on heat today.

Jordan 0:12:45 Wow. Wow. No, I do not. I do not.

William 0:12:48 Everything comes back to being naked or sex with you today. Joanne said, the morning water aerobics class after claiming my sunbed at 6 AM. Presumably you mean sun lounger, not a sunbed.

Jordan 0:13:02 I can imagine you doing that.

William 0:13:03 Yeah, I would quite like to do water aerobics with a sort of a pool noodle with a bunch of geriatrics. That would be quite fun.

Jordan 0:13:09 We can arrange that.

William 0:13:10 Rebecca said I'd been trying a pint and saying, Cor, she's a bit of all right.

Ben 0:13:16 That's Jordan in London in the heat.

William 0:13:18 Yeah. And some people suggested I'd be trying sex with a woman. But the least realistic suggestion came from James, who said I might be flying economy. Absolutely no way.

Jordan 0:13:29 Okay.

William 0:13:30 I will come back to you with whether I do try it or not and what it is. But I'm still— even Mikey, when the thing went up on social, sent it to me going, sorry, what?

Jordan 0:13:38 What is it? Have you told me?

William 0:13:39 No, I haven't actually. I haven't told Mikey. So what's he saying you're trying?

Ben 0:13:41 How long are you gonna leave us hanging for?

William 0:13:44 Couple of weeks.

Jordan 0:13:46 Are you gonna sunbathe naked?

William 0:13:47 No.

Jordan 0:13:49 Oh, I know what it is. I know what it is. I can read you like a book. Write it down.

William 0:13:55 Write it down then.

Jordan 0:13:56 Okay, I know exactly what it is, and I know for a fact I'll be right here. Let me write this down.

Ben 0:14:02 How many pieces of paper do you have in your pocket?

William 0:14:04 You're going to piss off. Oh no.

Jordan 0:14:12 What?

William 0:14:13 No.

Jordan 0:14:14 I thought you were gonna wear Speedos.

William 0:14:15 No.

Jordan 0:14:16 No? Now that you're all—

William 0:14:20 I mean, I would. I don't have any qualms with that, but I actually don't like the feel of them. I prefer a little trunk. After our stage door etiquette dilemma, we asked our Gene Divas for awkward celebrity encounters, and we got a lot of responses. Laura saw Harry Redknapp at the vets. Presumably he was with an animal, he wasn't being checked out himself. Wasn't on all fours on a stainless steel table.

Ben 0:14:43 With a probe up his bum.

William 0:14:44 It was during COVID so they all stood in the car park and just nodded. Daze's brother bumped into Rod Gilbert at the urinals.

Jordan 0:14:54 He's funny, him.

William 0:14:55 Emma saw Anton de Beek in Fat Face. That's not a very Anton de Beek store, I'll be honest. And had to help him choose a top for his wife as he'd forgotten his glasses.

Jordan 0:15:04 Is he married?

William 0:15:05 He is, yeah. KB's friend greeted Richard E. Grant assuming she'd had sex with him and only later realised he's famous. He sat behind me once on a flight. Sam met Alison Hammond and didn't know what to say, so just said, My mum's name is Alison too.

Jordan 0:15:21 Brilliant.

William 0:15:23 Lucy opened a door for Tom Hardy, and when he said, thank you, they said, you too. Yeah, when you don't know what to say. And Emma said, Alan Titchmarsh came to the café I was working at. As he left, he reached towards me in front of all my colleagues. I assumed he wanted a hug, so I gladly leant forwards to receive. A moment of embarrassment as he realised what I was doing. He laughed and gave me a hug and a peck on the cheek, only to show me the money he was reaching to put in the tip jar behind me.

Jordan 0:15:46 Aww, little Titchmarsh giving tips.

Ben 0:15:48 Little Tipmarsh.

William 0:15:50 Tipmarsh. Alan Tipmarsh.

Jordan 0:15:52 Get that fucking microphone, because that was coming. I was thinking of that. I was getting there.

William 0:15:57 My English teacher never used to, um, like Alan Titchmarsh and used to call him A-Tit.

Jordan 0:16:01 Why?

William 0:16:02 A-Tit.

Jordan 0:16:04 How can you not? I used to love his Tea Time show.

William 0:16:06 I was on it.

Jordan 0:16:06 Well, yeah.

William 0:16:09 Numerous times.

Jordan 0:16:09 What happened to those ITV Tea Time children's talk shows? Well, because it was Paul O'Grady for years. Yeah, it was Paul O'Grady, then it was Titchmarsh.

William 0:16:15 And Mel and Sue, I think, did one.

Jordan 0:16:16 Yeah. Did Mel and Sue do one?

Ben 0:16:18 I tell you, just like a sort of like a talent in the sort of Anthony Cotton.

Jordan 0:16:22 Anthony Cotton did one.

William 0:16:24 Yeah. And then Paul O'Grady, I think, went back. And A-Tech did one. That was the most— that was the most famous one.

Jordan 0:16:29 I used to love coming home from school and watching Paul O'Grady.

Ben 0:16:32 Anthony Cotton was the first celebrity that I met when I started this job 9 years ago.

William 0:16:36 Really?

Ben 0:16:36 Got in a lift with him.

Jordan 0:16:37 Really?

William 0:16:39 Yeah. The only way is up. Lift. It's a lift joke.

Ben 0:16:43 It's a metaphor.

William 0:16:43 Now, this is about people meeting us. Now, Gary cried meeting Jordan, having a drink with him in EPB in Belfast. He was crying because I wasn't there.

Ben 0:16:53 I think that's because that was when you got— you fell asleep in the back of the van.

William 0:16:57 I know, I fell into the back of a van.

Jordan 0:16:59 No, no, no, he didn't. He fell into a rubbish bin in Belfast.

Ben 0:17:02 I think he did both. He fell into the bin and then we— Fell into a big industrial bin.

Jordan 0:17:07 He was shit-faced.

Ben 0:17:07 Carried him into the van.

Jordan 0:17:08 Gary, I do remember that. I cried the next day. I nearly missed my fucking flight home.

William 0:17:14 Sarah met you, Jordan, outside Capital. It wasn't awkward at all. He was lovely. Oh. Lenska waved at me from Proof Rock Coffee and was horrified to realise that they know me from Instagram, not real life. Hermione met producer Ben and me and apparently forgot how to interact like a human. And Ab said, Titanic is one of my favourite musicals. Me and my best friend— my best friend and I have seen it over 30 times in the West End. Having been a G&D-er since 2023, I have loved getting to watch William absolutely smashing it as Ruth.

Jordan 0:17:41 He's brilliant.

William 0:17:42 However, the second time I met William at stage door, I decided to share a thought I had during the show with him, whether he reckons he has ever drunk water that has come from the iceberg that sunk the Titanic. It's a very deep question. I fear that this is one of the strangest first impressions I have made in my life, and it pops into my head at 3 AM frequently.

Jordan 0:17:58 Canal Labs, what were you drinking? Battery acid?

William 0:18:03 I mean, it's a— probably we have done. I mean, because I think Jonathan told me this once, because he went once to a water plant on tour. Don't ask. And your average glass of water that you get from the tap has been through other people at least 7 times. And it's part— obviously, it's been, you know, cleaned and whatever, but has been through on average. That puts me off. It does put you off. It's a great advert for buying bottled water.

Ben 0:18:29 I think bottled water would be the same. It's all the same. Well, true.

Jordan 0:18:32 Microplastics as well and stuff, innit?

William 0:18:35 Well, I try to buy cans where possible.

Jordan 0:18:37 I'm just saying, like, this in water— Oh yeah.

Jordan 0:22:24 Alright, Gene Divas, we are back for our Friday episode. William, what have you got?

William 0:22:36 Well, Lucy has messaged in after we've been causing problems at her school. Hello, Team Sexted. Another teacher here who had a Help, I Sexted My Boss projected onto the whiteboard. I dread to think how many times Thankfully, just the title of the podcast at the side of my Spotify. However, I do teach Year 3, that's 7 to 8-year-olds.

Jordan 0:22:53 Oh.

William 0:22:54 So it's rather more problematic for the word sexted to be anywhere in the class. A child came over to my desk and said, Miss, there's something on the board that I don't think you want on there. He pointed to right where it said, Help, I sexted my boss, and as I noticed, the panic set in. He then pointed at where it said my first name and said, Now we all know your name is Lucy.

Jordan 0:23:11 Oh, cute. Oh, bless him.

William 0:23:14 Such a relief, but a bit inconvenient, as now I have to freeze the board to load Spotify anytime I want it, and YouTube is signed out. Thanks for such a brilliant podcast. Lucy.

Jordan 0:23:23 I remember my uni lecturer went to put YouTube in to show us a clip, and just loads of YouPorn come up on his laptop. I'll never forget it. Funnily enough, it was shown as a clip from Mad Men, which I then watched and got into.

William 0:23:39 Yes, you did. You love that. Ellen.

Ben 0:23:41 She's getting into YouPorn as well.

Jordan 0:23:44 No. Just remember that.

William 0:23:46 Ellen has messaged in after a disappointing trip to the cinema. Dear William, Jordan, the garden gnome, and Ben, my best friend, Dr. Dodie, who deserves a little shout-out, and I are absolute diehard fans of both Toy Story and the podcast.

Jordan 0:23:58 Oh god, here we go.

William 0:23:59 So you can imagine—

Jordan 0:24:00 I can take bad reviews. It's fine.

William 0:24:01 So you can imagine our excitement when we discovered that Jordan was voicing the garden gnome.

Jordan 0:24:05 Shut up, chair!

William 0:24:06 As expats living in the Middle East, We rushed off to see the film and spent the entire time eagerly awaiting Jordan's appearance. The perfect crossover of our 2 favourite things. Imagine our confusion then when the garden gnome appeared with an American accent. Naturally, we raced home and consulted Google, only to discover that in different parts of the world, some of the characters have entirely different voice actors and accents. We were genuinely devastated. Oh, I'm so sorry. So from 2 loyal fans who feel they've been rather deprived, we have one small request. Would Jordan be willing to read the Garden Gnome's lines on the podcast so that we can finally hear the performance we're so excited about? We promise it would make 2 very happy listeners. With best wishes, Ellen and Dr. Dodie.

Jordan 0:24:46 Oh, Blaze. Shut up, chair! Quick, shut the door before they come back!

William 0:24:53 Okay. Okay, so that's your first scene. What's the second scene?

Jordan 0:25:01 No, that's it.

William 0:25:02 Oh, okay.

Jordan 0:25:03 No, there was actually— generally there's more in it, but that's the ones I can remember. There is, there is.

William 0:25:08 And that's interjected with other characters speaking? Yeah, okay.

Jordan 0:25:11 And scene.

William 0:25:12 You're so good.

Jordan 0:25:13 Thank you.

William 0:25:14 Well, Ellen and Dr. Dodie, it's a good excuse to come over here.

Jordan 0:25:18 Yeah. And you're definitely— you will definitely know it's me. It sticks out like a sore thumb.

William 0:25:23 Yes, I have been told by someone that in a film full of American accents, then suddenly it switches to a Lancashire accent, which is funny. But it's noticeably you. There's no way that anyone can say that's not Jordan.

Jordan 0:25:36 Well, and it was great. It's better than the other one.

William 0:25:39 Anonymous has written in to complain about the state of tea drinking. This sounds right up my street.

Jordan 0:25:47 A lot of complaints today.

William 0:25:48 Dear William and Jordan, from a former butler to an expert on etiquette and a classic but innocently funny guy— that's you, Jordan— my husband and I like to polish our antiques. Whatever you want to call it. Whilst we listen to your show. Sometimes we cook dinner, but a lot of the time it's shining the finer things and having a drink or two. We recently went on holiday and I ordered tea. When the drinks were served, my tea was in a see-through glass thermos. It was hideous. It dripped all over the table and the saucer and it looked terrible. Whoever designed this clearly didn't give thought to being proper or aesthetically pleasing. Tea should be served in a teapot with a teacup and saucer, and the teapot should not drip at What would you have done if you were served tea in a receptacle not fit for purpose? By the way, if national service were compulsory, William, you would be the aide-de-camp. And Jordan— I think it's meant to be aide-de-camp— and Jordan, you would be AWOL. I'd do my service. To be fair, actually putting Jordan in national service would be good because the war would be over very quickly. And that is where you would get the last laugh. Exactly.

Jordan 0:26:52 That away comes north. Well, it'll get cancelled, so get me out there. I won't go out, won't I? I'll do my service. Salute with my wrong hand. Yeah, I can't stop writing.

William 0:27:02 So there's a photo here of this. Also, why have you written anonymously?

Jordan 0:27:05 Yeah.

William 0:27:07 I don't think they're gonna press charges.

Jordan 0:27:09 I do admit that tea doesn't look great, but I'll say this before and I'll say it again. Tea's for home. Brews for home. Brews for home and for your hotel.

Ben 0:27:19 And work, sure. I mean, also—

Jordan 0:27:20 And work. And sorry, but you never— don't order a tea out, because Well, if you're somewhere nice. Charge you £2 odd for tea. Get a bag of tea bags for that. A brew for me personally is its own because you can make your own tea then and you can do it how you like, personally. Or if you're going to like somewhere that specialises in tea, but never get a brew out. Never order tea at like an airport cafe or something like that.

William 0:27:43 Well, this is why I won't drink tea because I just see so many bad teas.

Jordan 0:27:47 But if you make your own and do it proper.

William 0:27:49 No, no. But also, going back to— look at this picture that has been sent in. I mean, you're going somewhere that have orange plastic chairs. I mean, what should you expect is what I'd say. But this glass vessel, having zoomed in, it's got the sort of the— at least it's loose leaf tea because it's got that sort of the tea strainer inbuilt. It does look like it's double insulated, so it does probably keep it hot. But I would agree, a teapot is a lot better.

Jordan 0:28:14 Remind me to pack Tea bags for my holiday.

William 0:28:19 Jordan's talking to his phone.

Jordan 0:28:20 On Friday when I pack at 4 PM. Thank you. Rupert has— I love having a brew in a hotel on holiday with that little UHT milk they do.

William 0:28:30 Oh, Jordan. There's just something about it.

Jordan 0:28:32 And then when you—

William 0:28:33 Sorry, you have lost all your tea credentials.

Jordan 0:28:35 No, no, no, let me explain, bitch. Please let me explain, because it's— it reminds you of being on holiday. First day or two, it's horrible. And then, what do you mean it reminds you of being on holiday?

William 0:28:44 You are on holiday.

Jordan 0:28:45 Can you let me finish? And then it, like, and then it gets better and you get used to it and you think, oh, oh, it reminds me. And then when you get back from airport and you have your first proper brew, you're like, ah, this is why I live in Britain. This is why I'll never leave. And then every now and then when you get home and you've not got enough milk in and you open long-life milk from cupboard, you have it and then it reminds you of your holiday. Right. Are you with me? Can't relate. Are you with me? You know, like when you spray a spray or you put a bit of suntan lotion on, it reminds you of holiday. Having a brew— I get that, actually. Having a brew with UHT milk reminds me of me holiday.

Ben 0:29:23 I talked to someone who said that they go through airports and then they buy like a perfume within the airport and then use it all over that holiday.

Jordan 0:29:30 I do that.

Ben 0:29:30 That specific holiday, and then you can like, you use it again in the future and you're like, I remember that.

Jordan 0:29:34 I do that every time I go to Skegness.

Ben 0:29:36 Great.

William 0:29:37 Rupert has a bone to pick. Dear William, Jordan, and PB, this is just for your aural pleasure. Aural, A-U-R-A-L. As you are such a knowledgeable and particular person in respect to pronunciation and grammar, I feel compelled to write in. Having discovered your podcast around 6 months ago, I regularly enjoy listening during my varying commutes around the country. To date, I have reached the episode just before your wedding. It has come to my attention that you mispronounce 2 words, which surprises me. Here we go.

Jordan 0:30:01 I'm always here for this.

William 0:30:02 The first is the high-quality appliance company Miele, which you pronounce Mee-lay, which frankly frankly makes me shittitch as it's pronounced Mee-luh. How can I be so sure, you might ask? Firstly, many moons ago, Miele used to provide retailers with promotional materials stating, I'm a Miele dealer, in an onomatopoeic style. Secondly, my wife worked for Miele for many years and was taught how to pronounce it. So please adjust accordingly. I think if you were up to speed, I have done. The second word is congratulations, which you mispronounce as congradulations, which makes my eye twitch in frustration. Oh, that's—

Jordan 0:30:39 That's because you've been spending— you need to go and see your thingy coach again.

William 0:30:42 Spending too much time with Jordan. Uh, although perhaps it shouldn't come as a surprise that you slip a D in unexpectedly.

Jordan 0:30:48 Congratulations. Congratulations. Yeah, that is— that's stuck a nerve with you. I can tell that's hurt, but that's been fixed.

William 0:30:54 Well, I don't— I mean, I think it depends also if I'm tired, as indeed everyone's speech changes when you're tired.

Jordan 0:30:59 Does it?

William 0:31:00 Yeah, yeah.

Jordan 0:31:00 But that proves to me that your language isn't proper because you have to think about it constantly.

William 0:31:06 What?

Jordan 0:31:07 What? That proves that you're— because what is— you have a dialect coach, don't you?

William 0:31:11 Well, I had an elocution teacher.

Jordan 0:31:12 An elocution teacher, which again we did back in, uh, COVID.

William 0:31:16 COVID.

Jordan 0:31:16 Yeah, because you were worried that your vowels were going too flat. So that proves to me that if you've got to think about every word, that it's not proper English then.

William 0:31:24 Uh, I'm not sure I follow that train of thought.

Jordan 0:31:27 No, it is, because you think—

Ben 0:31:28 You're saying you need to think about it.

Jordan 0:31:29 You need to think about it. So when you're tired, you want to just go— It's such a big effort. You just put congratulations, but when you're being you and prim and proper, you go congratulations. It's inauthentic. Yeah, that's what mean it's not your inner voice.

William 0:31:38 So, I remember what Gary, my elocution tutor, said when we were doing things like tissue, etc., which is correct. He said, you can choose, as an RP speaker, you can choose which words to correctly pronounce. However, if it is going to distract from the meaning of the sentence or what you're trying to say—

Jordan 0:31:57 You're stretching your words out now to try and prove a point, but go on.

William 0:32:01 You can go back to basically saying it in a more conventional Non-RP way, not with a flat vowel, obviously. So, it depends on the meaning. So, sometimes I don't say tissue, or YouTube is correct, but I have been known to say YouTube if we are just—

Jordan 0:32:17 YouTube.

William 0:32:18 It's not— there's no C in it.

Jordan 0:32:20 Tissue.

William 0:32:20 Tissue.

Jordan 0:32:21 Tissue. Have I said that right? Tiss—

William 0:32:24 Tissue, yeah.

Jordan 0:32:24 Tiss—

William 0:32:25 Tissue and issue.

Jordan 0:32:26 You don't like sushi? Why would you say that?

William 0:32:28 What? Sushi?

Jordan 0:32:29 It's issue.

William 0:32:34 No. He's pleased with that.

Ben 0:32:35 No, no, no. Not allowing that.

William 0:32:37 We'll continue with Rupert's letter.

Jordan 0:32:39 I love sushi, and I don't care if you think I've changed. I bloody love sushi.

William 0:32:45 Finally, you might have noticed the significant absence of punctuation in this message. This is not due to my inability to use it. I just felt compelled to be annoying and make reading it irritating. Trust me, it's not what irritated me. Anyway, much love. And if you do choose to read this out, I might reach the episode in 2027. or 2028 at my current pace of listening. I hope that my message and my stated commitment to listening means I can dispense with the need to provide any additional compliments or platitudes, as they are hopefully unnecessary. Rupert.

Jordan 0:33:15 Of course he was called Rupert.

William 0:33:16 Yes, quite.

Jordan 0:33:17 I'm not judging, but of course he was called Rupert.

William 0:33:19 Yes. Rupert, Rupert the Bear. My brother was going to be Rupert, and then my father said, I can't have a son called Rupert.

Jordan 0:33:26 Why?

William 0:33:27 So that's his middle Or one of them.

Jordan 0:33:29 Yet they paid for you both to have elocution lessons.

William 0:33:31 James hasn't had it.

Jordan 0:33:32 Oh, has he not?

William 0:33:32 Which I think is quite obvious.

Jordan 0:33:33 Do you? When he's on LBC?

William 0:33:36 No, he's got a very good voice, but his, you know, the vowels are not as round.

Jordan 0:33:40 Oh, hello, what do you think of the current state of the country? It's James Ensign here.

William 0:33:46 In my brother's defence, he sounds absolutely nothing like that. He does a bit when he's on LBC.

Ben 0:33:50 James Rupert Ensign, is it?

Jordan 0:33:51 He goes— I see him in corridors. I'm like, all right, James. Oh, hey, George, you okay? Just about to do my shift. We're brewing his hand and he gets here and goes, right, and what do you think about this? What do you think of this, you, Les? Bloody can't drive your taxi anywhere, can you?

William 0:34:07 Get him started on the triple lock pension, he's got thoughts on that.

Jordan 0:34:10 No, I actually think some of the— some of his videos, he's got very good points on cost of life.

William 0:34:16 He's coming tomorrow to the show and I did something very nice. I said, because he's come before, I said, where are you and your friends sitting? And he said, oh, we're in the upper circle. And I went, the upper circle?

Jordan 0:34:25 Yeah, you can see all the birds from up there, Jolt. Yeah.

William 0:34:28 Well, there's 2 on my head. And I said, the upper circle? He went, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I went, what row? He went, row 3. I was like, there are only 3 rows in the upper circle. That's the very, very top. He thought he had booked the middle layer. Anyway, so I've spoken to the box office and I've had him moved into the stalls, which I think is a very nice brotherly thing to do.

Ben 0:34:47 It's not what you know, it's who you know. I mean, I paid for that.

William 0:34:49 Privileges.

Jordan 0:34:49 I'm sorry, but you've met You've sorted World Cup final tickets there.

William 0:34:53 Well, I mean, it's pretty much I have.

Ben 0:34:55 You've moved them to 2 empty seats.

William 0:34:57 Oh, what? What? 5. I am slightly concerned, 'cause what day is the World Cup final?

Jordan 0:35:05 So at the time of recording, 'cause we're keeping it very ambiguous. So at the time of recording, England are playing—

William 0:35:11 Norway?

Jordan 0:35:13 England are playing Norway on Saturday.

Ben 0:35:15 No way!

William 0:35:16 No, Norway.

Jordan 0:35:17 And I swear to God, If they beat us, I will shove that drumstick so far up Haaland's arse, he won't be able to fucking run for a week.

William 0:35:26 Who's Haaland?

Ben 0:35:27 Right? Erling Haaland.

Jordan 0:35:29 Erling Haaland.

William 0:35:30 Which means hello.

Jordan 0:35:31 Sorry, that was the football in me. I actually really like Haaland. I think he's the best player in the world. I genuinely do. Better than Messi. Yeah. Not better than Dekkers. Yeah.

Ben 0:35:42 Not better than Hazard.

Jordan 0:35:45 I think Harry Kane's massively underrated. I think because we're English, like, we're used to Harry Kane. He's massively underrated. But Haaland's got the age on him. Haaland's still on the—

William 0:35:54 Anyway, when is the World Cup final?

Jordan 0:35:55 At the time of listening, it's on on Sunday.

William 0:35:57 I am worried about our audience that night.

Jordan 0:36:00 Oh, it'll be dead. Yeah, I'm gonna— you know, I'm flying out to Greece on Sunday. If we're in the final, I'm gonna fly out on Monday. I want to be here. I don't want to be in Greece when England win, do I? I want to be—

Ben 0:36:09 I back that completely.

Jordan 0:36:09 Go on, England! We might not even make the final.

Ben 0:36:13 We're already out by this point.

Jordan 0:36:14 Nah, come on, we'll go all the way. I think it'll be an England-France final.

William 0:36:18 Oh, well, if it's that, we're definitely not winning.

Jordan 0:36:20 So today is Thursday the 9th of July, and it is 13:46 PM. I think it'll be an England-France final.

Ben 0:36:30 I mean, it's not like— yeah.

William 0:36:31 God, I'm going to Paris in 2 weeks. God, if it is—

Jordan 0:36:35 Well, I'll let you grin.

William 0:36:36 Okay. Lee and Leanne wanted to share their delight at taking a selfie with me.

Jordan 0:36:41 Let's have a look. Where did you see them?

Ben 0:36:46 Read it with me.

Jordan 0:36:46 You were doing camera work.

William 0:36:47 Imagine my surprise at the weekend when me and Me and my girlfriend met William Hansen in a pub known for daytime karaoke, sticky bars, and pints of Stella in the poshest town in the UK. You are getting out and about. Picture attached.

Jordan 0:36:57 Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh my God, that's your doppelganger! That looks like me and you when we first started recording. Look at that. That's genuinely— get that on the carousel. That was me and William not 3 years ago.

William 0:37:13 You look like one of your brothers now.

Jordan 0:37:16 Oh my God, look at that! These two could make a fortune.

William 0:37:20 Hilarious.

Jordan 0:37:21 That's made me so laugh. Geez, it's like we're in, um, it's like our first promo picture.

William 0:37:27 Louis to sword.

Ben 0:37:28 We will make sure the carousel is up first thing, and the final slide of the carousel will be that image. That's me and you.

William 0:37:35 That is wrong way around, but other than that, it's great.

Jordan 0:37:38 Jesus Christ, that's frightening. For this episode, can we stick that as the thumbnail, please? Can we? Yes, please. Let's put that as the thumbnail and see how many people notice. Stu, we need to get the— Stu? Yep, great, we got the big boss's permission.

William 0:37:59 What a handsome pair they are.

Jordan 0:38:01 That's so weird. Of course they look lovely. And the guy sent it in saying, I've met a William, and I'm like, no, you look like me there. All right, let's finish with our comment of the week. It looks like our Brads. Let's finish with comment of the week. This can be a comment from Spotify, YouTube, or any of our socials.

William 0:38:16 Yes. The honourable mentions go to Singo on Spotify, who said, the chocolate frappe out of my left nostril was worth it for Jordan's confidence in the Dominican Republic of Congo.

Jordan 0:38:26 What?

Ben 0:38:26 You said last week when we were talking about England beating the Democratic Republic of Congo, you said the Dominican Republic of Congo. Oh, why did no one correct me? Well, I'd just come back from the theatre.

William 0:38:37 Yeah.

Jordan 0:38:38 By the way, 'cause you know you got annoyed with him last time when he was— we were both really rough after Glastonbury. Yeah. For last week's episode, we had a little hug on the stairs 'cause I knew what it was, that he'd come back from Ibiza. I was like, come here.

William 0:38:54 Right. Carlene commented on our Instagram carousel to say, I've been listening for a while and wondered what the carousel was. I thought it was something in the studio that you printed photos and stuck on it. The carousel is a collection of photos and videos that we put every Tuesday, Carlene, on Instagram and Facebook with bits from the episodes things we talk about. So, if you want to see it, follow us on Instagram. We're @sexwithmyboss for all that bonus content. Matty commented on the picture of my mother at Titanic saying, William's mum looks like the female version of Ben. I'm not sure how either of them feel about that. I'm not calling you mummy, let's put it that way. Our comment of the week comes from—

Jordan 0:39:30 Unana, what's your name? Unana. Unanya She. That's a beautiful name. Unanyusha. Yeah, Unanyusha. Sorry, Unanyusha.

William 0:39:43 Unanyusha.

Jordan 0:39:44 Unanyusha.

William 0:39:45 Who commented on last week's YouTube to say, well, I'm not very sure what was said on this episode as Jordan's thighs were far too distracting.

Jordan 0:39:52 That's not eyes if you're listening in Wigan. Call them thighs, don't they?

William 0:39:56 Yeah, thighs.

Jordan 0:39:57 Generally where someone should— I'm going to optician, need to have me thighs looked at.

William 0:40:01 Um, lovely. Well, thank you very much for all those comments of the week.

Jordan 0:40:04 I've dressed smarter today, purposely.

William 0:40:06 Yes.

Jordan 0:40:07 Uh, right, remember—

William 0:40:08 Anything more to say?

Jordan 0:40:08 Remember, you can listen to new episodes every Tuesday and Friday, and 24 hours before anywhere else on Global Player. If you do want to get in touch about something that isn't a dilemma or problem, drop into our DMs or send us an email to help@sexandmyboss.com. We also love hearing back from people we offer advice to, so if that's you, get back in touch, and we'll see you on Tuesday. Goodbye.