Help I’m Monster-Sized | And Jordan’s A GNOME?!

William 0:01:39 Entering the timer. Lucky old timer. 3, 2, 1.

Jordan 0:01:45 Oh, I'm sick of this timer.

William 0:01:48 Doing that timer, I, as a child, if there was a button, I would press it. I was obsessed with buttons, levers, and knobs. You got a button, I'll press it. You got a lever, I'll pull it. You got a knob, I'll do whatever you like.

Jordan 0:02:02 Hello and welcome to Help, I Sexed with My Boss, the podcast where we help you navigate the challenges of modern life, answering 21st century questions and finding solutions to everyday dilemmas like how do you react to another one of Geordie's rants? I haven't been ranting, it's just—

William 0:02:23 Sorry, were you not present last week?

Jordan 0:02:26 Observations. Observations.

William 0:02:28 You called it. Can I just do another George's rant?

Jordan 0:02:30 I am not—

William 0:02:30 I don't know why I did a Jonathan impression. It's because after our luxury crossover episode from Friday.

Jordan 0:02:35 And how do you tell your other half you're not into pegging? And what should you do if you've accidentally sexted your boss? But we're not usually like any ants, are we, William Hanson?

William 0:02:43 No, we're not, Jordan North. I'm more luxury spa deep tissue massage. You're more Darkroom Kleenex tissue discharge.

Jordan 0:02:50 Oh.

William 0:02:51 And that's from Archie.

Jordan 0:02:52 Archie.

William 0:02:54 Do you know him?

Jordan 0:02:55 That's— Archie, I'm not one to judge, but going by your name, that's proper posh boy humour. I'm more luxury deep tissue massage. You're more luxury north darkroom Kleenex tissue discharge. You having that one, Rory? I said he's more darkroom Kleenex tissue discharge. Are you having that?

William 0:03:15 Probably find him in a pub near you.

Jordan 0:03:17 Uh-huh. Huh? Henry, did you hear what I just said? Yeah,

William 0:03:20 okay. Would you like to pour the G&D this week whilst I read this substantial message from Freyrin Lincoln?

Jordan 0:03:26 I'll be mother.

William 0:03:26 Who is going to get the toast. She says, hi guys, I'm writing to show you that your logo has made it into my Leavers shirt. I'm 16, so don't worry. I've been a G&Diver for a while now and just wanted to say that your podcast is amazing and you guys were fantastic on tour. As someone with ADHD who often gets bored when listening to people just talk, I can confidently say that your podcast is the only one I can listen to without ever getting bored. So, thank you. It also has been the best distraction from exam stress. So, thank you both for being you and producing this incredible podcast.

Jordan 0:03:57 Why did you ask me to put— sorry, that was a really lovely letter, Freya. I've just put G everywhere. They everywhere.

William 0:04:04 And look, we've got a photo. We'll put it on the carousel. There, Help It's Leavers' Day.

Jordan 0:04:09 Oh.

William 0:04:09 On a white shirt. With a, you know, a black marker and a red marker, you've recreated our logo, which is lovely.

Jordan 0:04:16 For an ADHDer to say that they don't get bored of us, that's a complete compliment.

William 0:04:20 Yes.

Jordan 0:04:21 Let me empty my pockets here. I've got bloody—

William 0:04:23 Talking of ADHDers.

Jordan 0:04:24 Bloody old socks in these today. Don't let me forget them. Well, I've got pliers in there. Jesus Christ.

William 0:04:34 Are you okay?

Jordan 0:04:36 Yeah, I'm fine. Just got little bits everywhere. Where's my kit?

William 0:04:39 The sooner you are medicated, the better. I'm just gonna rip the plaster off.

Jordan 0:04:47 No, I'm worried about it because I've got one cut. But I'm worried that it'll— I'm worried it'll take off my shine.

William 0:04:52 No.

Jordan 0:04:53 No?

William 0:04:54 I don't think that's how it works. And also, if it does, from what I know about it, you just literally stop taking it in 24 hours, you're back to the same old you.

Jordan 0:05:02 I'm worried I won't be able to do radio because like, I'm like—

William 0:05:06 Well, try it on your holiday.

Jordan 0:05:07 I'm a grey man on radio.

William 0:05:08 Okay, well then try it on your holiday.

Jordan 0:05:09 Yeah, no, because then I'm most relaxed. I just read.

William 0:05:12 Okay, well anyway, getting the diagnosis is the first step. Okay. Anyway, did you have fun on our, uh, Luxury Podcast Collaboration episode on Friday?

Jordan 0:05:21 I don't want to give too much away.

William 0:05:23 No.

Jordan 0:05:23 Because it was very good.

William 0:05:24 It was excellent.

Jordan 0:05:25 He was on top form, was Jonathan Banks-Smith. So were you. So, uh, so were you.

William 0:05:29 Well,

Jordan 0:05:30 So, give it a listen. It was on Friday's episode. It was a good collab. Good collab. I wanna do it with the boys from Inbetween Us next.

William 0:05:37 Okay.

Jordan 0:05:38 Joe and James.

William 0:05:38 Yes.

Jordan 0:05:39 James and Joe. Yeah.

William 0:05:40 Yeah. Do they have a preference on how they're said?

Jordan 0:05:43 Joe and— Oh, is it another letter from Metropolitan Police?

William 0:05:47 Someone's just knocked on our door in a very musical way. Is this receiving a package? Kleenex tissue. Is it genuinely some Kleenex tissue?

Jordan 0:05:58 Who's delivered them?

Speaker E 0:06:00 It's a massive box of Kleenex tissues.

Jordan 0:06:04 I'll get through them, love, don't you worry. See you later. Bye.

William 0:06:09 That would last you about 2 bliss hours, wouldn't it, Jordan?

Jordan 0:06:12 One and a half.

William 0:06:13 Anyway, we had lovely fun on that, so thank you for all the nice messages.

Jordan 0:06:17 We did.

William 0:06:18 You alright?

Jordan 0:06:19 I'm good. How are you, my little rose? My little rosebud?

William 0:06:21 No, I'm Ruth.

Jordan 0:06:22 Oh, are you Ruth?

William 0:06:23 Ruth,

Jordan 0:06:24 yeah. Yeah.

William 0:06:24 I'm alright, thank you. What's been going on in your life?

Jordan 0:06:27 Yeah, well, good. Well, I've kind of got an announcement of my own.

William 0:06:30 Oh, here we go. 11 a reef, everyone.

Jordan 0:06:32 I don't want to 11 a reef yet, 'cause it's—

William 0:06:34 No, no. I'm sure, Jordan, it is on a similar level to being in a West End show.

Jordan 0:06:39 Yeah, it is. So, you announced last week that you were going to be in Titanic.

William 0:06:48 Yes, I am going to be, yeah. Which

Jordan 0:06:50 is great. The musical. Which is fantastic. I'm proper proud of you.

William 0:06:53 Yeah.

Jordan 0:06:53 Thank you. But, um, my news is, my big news, and—

William 0:06:57 Oh, you're going into Joseph.

Jordan 0:07:00 Is that, and this is somewhere, if you'd asked like 5-year-old me,

William 0:07:07 yeah,

Jordan 0:07:08 I would never have believed you.

William 0:07:09 Long time ago.

Jordan 0:07:10 Um, I, I, I'm— I've got an announcement to make. I don't know how to do it.

William 0:07:17 Stand by everyone, it's happening.

Jordan 0:07:18 Really? But, um, you might have heard, uh, But I'm gonna be in the new Toy Story 5 film.

William 0:07:25 Oh my god! Are we gonna see your Woody?

Jordan 0:07:27 Keep them coming. Go on, any more? No. All I'll say is I'm no Jessie.

William 0:07:35 Contrary to popular belief. Lovely. Well, I'm so happy for you.

Jordan 0:07:39 Thank you.

William 0:07:40 Congratulations.

Jordan 0:07:41 Thank you.

William 0:07:41 So, can you tell us any more? Or do we have to go and watch it?

Jordan 0:07:44 So, last time y'all took the mick 'cause I was in Another animation film.

William 0:07:49 Yes, which did incredibly well.

Jordan 0:07:51 But I have actually got parts. I'm gonna be a gnome. What? What? You're gonna be a gnome? I've been character acting. I've been at the bottom of my garden with a fishing rod. I have. I've got a picture. You will put it up on the carousel. I've been method. Well, I've been through this character. I've just been at the bottom of the garden. Yeah. Seeing how long I can just go.

William 0:08:24 Squatting. And does your character have a fishing rod?

Jordan 0:08:27 Pardon?

William 0:08:28 Does your character have a fishing rod in the actual film?

Jordan 0:08:30 No, I've got a little hat and stuff. I'll send you a picture.

William 0:08:32 Are garden gnomes really a thing in America?

Jordan 0:08:34 Well, apparently so, yeah. Gosh.

William 0:08:36 Yeah. Oh, well, that's fantastic. So obviously you must have recorded it a while ago.

Jordan 0:08:39 Yeah, me and Sean.

William 0:08:40 You and Sean?

Jordan 0:08:41 Sean's a flamingo.

William 0:08:44 Lovely. I can see that.

Jordan 0:08:46 And yeah, so it's mad. I can't believe it.

William 0:08:48 A beautiful bird of paradise. Yeah. Which is fitting for Sian Welby.

Jordan 0:08:52 I'm loving it. I'm loving it.

William 0:08:53 And a short, stumpy sort of thing that people put at the bottom of their gardens. Lovely.

Speaker E 0:08:58 Are you doing it in your own voice, or do you—

William 0:09:00 Yes, or are you doing a known voice?

Jordan 0:09:02 I'm doing it in my own voice.

William 0:09:02 Can you give us a little preview of something that you might say?

Jordan 0:09:05 I don't know if I'm allowed, but— No, not there!

William 0:09:11 Voice of experience.

Jordan 0:09:11 Fuck! None of you took the piss when he did his Titanic. It was a lovely moment last week. Do you think there was fucking Stu's on the floor laughing in the back there? What? No,

William 0:09:29 not there. Down a bit.

Jordan 0:09:30 No. We had such a lovely moment last week and everyone takes piss out of me. Ben. What? You're all shithouses.

William 0:09:42 So if people want to go and witness your gnome and Sian's flamingo, they can go and see the last ever Toy Story in cinemas.

Jordan 0:09:49 Oh, don't. Come on, this is like a big Pixar franchise.

William 0:09:53 What have you just made, Sian?

Jordan 0:09:54 It's like, I couldn't believe it when I got the call. I was like, I can't believe— and many people don't know this, we share the same agent, our agent, who we love dearly. And he's very like, we just love him. He's very sassy. He won't mind us saying that, will he?

William 0:10:10 Makes us look very normal.

Jordan 0:10:11 He makes us look very normal, and we actually love him to bits. And, um, he rung me and he's going through all of it. He's American. He went, oh yeah, and, um, Toy Story 5, I don't know if you want a role in it. I was like, what? He's like, Toy Story 5, I'd like to— would you like— I was like, yes, absolutely. He's like, okay, I thought so. I was like, yes, absolutely.

William 0:10:29 Oh, that's amazing. Well, I can't— I loved all the Toy Story films, so it would be— I obviously would see Toy Story 5 anyway, but now I will definitely see it on day one just to see you.

Jordan 0:10:38 Thank you. I'm not even joking. It's weird because, you know, They say you don't manifest until you write stuff down.

William 0:10:43 So I was just bored.

Jordan 0:10:44 Do you ever do this? I just write lists of my favourite things. So like raindrops on

William 0:10:50 roses,

Jordan 0:10:51 I just put like, uh, favourite tinned food and stuff, you know. I just sometimes just— I like to— I like—

William 0:10:57 As I said about 10 minutes ago, the sooner you get medicated.

Jordan 0:11:00 But I do, I just like— and I play favourites for my nephews and stuff. I just go, right, favourite film, or—

William 0:11:05 Oh, I thought you choose a favourite nephew.

Jordan 0:11:07 Favourite tea and stuff. So, just before I got the call, I wrote down my top 10 favourite films. So, it was— and this is in no particular order— it was Goodfellas, Casino, Godfather, Godfather II, Shawshank Redemption, Boyhood, Top Gun, Toy Story, Titanic, Angela's Ashes. What? I don't

William 0:11:32 know. I just don't know how you find the time to write those lists.

Jordan 0:11:35 So, yeah. I'm gonna be a gnome in Toy Story.

William 0:11:38 That's amazing. Thank you. Congratulations.

Jordan 0:11:40 And we went, went to like Disney Studios to record it and met the, like, the director. Oh, it was mad and stuff. Yeah, Pixar.

William 0:11:49 You met the director? Yeah. Who directs an animation? In all seriousness.

Jordan 0:11:52 It's a very— and he told me, he was like, when you say this next line, he's like, show me you, show me it in your character. And then he gives you direction.

William 0:12:00 Like when you got your fishing rod out.

Jordan 0:12:01 He showed, like, he gave you direction and you start to believe you're a gnome. You can piss off.

William 0:12:09 Jordan's more of an unknown.

Jordan 0:12:10 It's a big deal for me, this.

William 0:12:12 Well, that is such lovely news.

Jordan 0:12:14 So you're gonna be in Titanic on the West End?

William 0:12:16 Yes, 8 nights a week.

Jordan 0:12:17 I'm gonna be in a multi-billion-pound Disney Pixar franchise, so…

William 0:12:22 Soon to end.

Jordan 0:12:23 So, yeah.

William 0:12:26 That's amazing.

Jordan 0:12:27 Yours— thank you. Yeah.

William 0:12:28 That's great.

Speaker E 0:12:29 Which one's better?

William 0:12:30 They're different. Oh, what? One's a film, and one's live art. What? No, it is! One's live, one is, you know— a film is a different proposition.

Jordan 0:12:40 Exactly!

William 0:12:41 It would be like comparing Titanic to Titani.

Jordan 0:12:43 Exactly. Obviously more people have seen mine, but, you know— and I'm doing press junket and red carpet with Tom Hanks, but you know.

William 0:12:53 Yeah?

Jordan 0:12:54 Yeah.

William 0:12:54 Well, I'm— to be fair, I'm going over to America in a few weeks, so I'll watch it in the cinemas there and see you.

Jordan 0:12:59 I won't be in the American.

William 0:13:00 Oh, really?

Jordan 0:13:01 I don't think so.

William 0:13:02 Oh, okay.

Jordan 0:13:03 Maybe. Maybe? But I think it's the European one.

William 0:13:05 The European one? Well, presumably the English language speaking one.

Jordan 0:13:09 Yeah, English language.

William 0:13:10 Unless you're doing your German accent.

Jordan 0:13:11 Oh yeah, I was there for hours. The Spanish one I nailed. It's noisy, not there.

William 0:13:16 Yeah.

Jordan 0:13:19 You're all shitshousers. I've got a good thing to tell you, and you're all just fucking Stuart on floor laughing. Not me.

William 0:13:25 Is that all you say?

Jordan 0:13:26 There's no— I don't wanna give away what I'm gonna say.

William 0:13:28 And are you in one scene, several scenes?

Jordan 0:13:30 Just one scene.

William 0:13:32 Okay.

Jordan 0:13:32 I'm not gonna give it away, but yeah. I mean, I'm in the scene as well.

William 0:13:35 And are we sure they haven't cut the scene?

Jordan 0:13:36 Well, I don't know. Just yet.

William 0:13:39 Just for sake of argument.

Jordan 0:13:40 But it's, you know— it started off with, ooh, now I've got parts, and then maybe one day I'll be in my own Pixar film.

William 0:13:49 You should be very happy.

Jordan 0:13:50 Thank you.

William 0:13:50 Question for you. Now that you're a film star, Well, actually, if a film star's a pair of 2—

Jordan 0:13:55 Oh my god, I am!

William 0:13:56 'Cause you did your other one.

Jordan 0:13:56 Am I a film star?

William 0:13:57 What film franchise could you go into next? What's the next move?

Jordan 0:14:04 No, there isn't. This is honestly—

William 0:14:05 What do you mean there isn't? Don't think small, think big.

Jordan 0:14:08 I love— these are the big— this is the biggest movie. You're not gonna get much bigger than this.

William 0:14:11 Toy Story 6?

Jordan 0:14:12 I mean—

William 0:14:13 Monsters, Inc. 3?

Jordan 0:14:15 Apparently Tom Cruise don't wanna do any more Mission: Impossible, so…

William 0:14:19 And to be fair, you are the same height.

Jordan 0:14:21 I'm way taller than Tom Cruise. So I don't know. I don't— From gnome to Bond.

William 0:14:28 Oh my god, Jordan North for the next Bond.

Jordan 0:14:31 You know.

William 0:14:32 You heard it here first. Move over, Jacob Elordi.

Jordan 0:14:34 Yeah. And for character, do you think I could pistol whip you or something?

William 0:14:39 I'm sorry? Pistol whip? What Bond film does he pistol whip anyone in?

Jordan 0:14:43 He pistol whips people all the time.

William 0:14:45 I could be your Bond girl.

Jordan 0:14:46 You could.

William 0:14:48 What would you call me? I could be Bussy Galore.

Jordan 0:14:54 Aha, Mr. Big Cock.

William 0:14:58 Wow, okay.

Jordan 0:15:00 This is—

Speaker E 0:15:02 Wow, Mahogany Cock.

Jordan 0:15:03 This is— Ah, we meet again, Mr. Bond. We do, Mr. Mahogany Big Cock.

William 0:15:08 Ah, Mr. Bond. Do you expect me to die? No, I expect you to swallow.

Jordan 0:15:16 Are you still thinking?

William 0:15:17 Yeah, I'm still thinking.

Jordan 0:15:18 Yeah. That's a great character baddie, Mahogany Bigcock.

William 0:15:22 I mean, I know sometimes the— particularly the vintage James Bond films were maybe a little bit on the nose with character names. Pussy Galore, Octopussy, we had as an entire film title. Dr. Goodhead was the Bond girl in Moonraker.

Jordan 0:15:40 Was she actually called Goodhead?

William 0:15:41 Polly Goodhead. Mm.

Jordan 0:15:42 Mm.

William 0:15:43 It's quite on the nose.

Jordan 0:15:44 This is mad. Goodhead.

William 0:15:46 Moonraker has the best ending to any Bond film, where they are— they're coming down from the moon, coming back to Earth. Bond has obviously seduced Dr. Holly Goodhead. They beam into—

Jordan 0:15:58 This is Roger Moore, innit?

William 0:15:59 Yeah. They beam into— the best Bond, until you. They beam into MI6.

Jordan 0:16:03 I knew you'd say Roger Moore was your best Bond. He's so camp in it.

William 0:16:07 They beam into MI6, And the camera picks them up, and draped with a sheet over them, Bond and Holly are going at it. And M says, what on earth are you doing, Bond? And Q says, I think they're attempting re-entry. It's just the best joke at the end.

Jordan 0:16:24 It's so camp.

William 0:16:25 It's so great.

Jordan 0:16:26 I was in a hotel room next to him one night.

William 0:16:28 Oh, here we go. I know this joke.

Jordan 0:16:30 I was! Have you not seen this joke?

William 0:16:32 You have done this for 8 years.

Jordan 0:16:33 All night, all day, it was, oh, Roger Moore.

William 0:16:36 Izzy, don't laugh at that.

Jordan 0:16:40 Oh, Roger Moore. Well, there you go.

William 0:16:44 What sort of Bond would you be? Because my brother has a theory with Bonds that they alternate between a dark chocolate Bond and a milk chocolate Bond in terms of sort of— so Daniel Craig would be a dark chocolate Bond, grittier. Whereas milk chocolate would be someone like Roger Moore.

Jordan 0:16:58 I'd maybe be more of a spoof. Ooh, what am I like?

William 0:17:03 So, white chocolate Bond?

Jordan 0:17:04 I'd be more Austin Powers.

William 0:17:07 Okay. And would you want— what sort of gadgets would you want? Because they are casting, unless they have announced before this episode goes out.

Jordan 0:17:14 Something I couldn't lose. Because a lot of them are small, aren't they? It's like a big gun.

Speaker E 0:17:20 It could be a fob for this building.

Jordan 0:17:21 A fob for this building would help. The fact that I've still not got a fob key to get into this building, my own studio.

William 0:17:28 Well, surely as a spy, You could break into this building quite easily.

Jordan 0:17:33 And if you play your cards right, you might be the spy who shags you.

William 0:17:35 I might be the spy who shags me.

Jordan 0:17:38 That was an Austin Powers film. I think we should move on.

William 0:17:41 Yeah.

Jordan 0:17:41 But no, it was good. I'm chuffed to bits, I am. And I've been having a real, like, big bout of imposter syndrome lately. So that's— it's been a bit— especially when I was filming for that. So it's been nice.

William 0:17:55 Filming or—

Jordan 0:17:55 Got a nice pep talk off Wendy. She's like, no, you deserve this. So yeah, you know when you have those days where you think— I get it, I get it, everyone gets it. But I get— I've had it pretty bad the past couple of weeks.

William 0:18:06 Oh, I don't—

Jordan 0:18:07 I feel like you're a bit shit on radio and you're a bit annoying. Anyway, so it's been nice.

William 0:18:12 Well, congratulations. We're all— I'm sure Toy Story 5 is out very soon in cinemas. You can pre-book your tickets now, I'm sure. And we'll all go and see you as the gnome.

Jordan 0:18:21 I've got a black beard and I can't give too much away.

William 0:18:24 What do you mean? I mean, I haven't seen Toy Story 5 yet, 'cause it's not out, but presumably it has been animated.

Jordan 0:18:30 Well, yeah, it's not me.

William 0:18:31 Okay, fine.

Jordan 0:18:32 That'd be weird.

William 0:18:33 No, 'cause you said you've got a beard. You mean your character's got a beard?

Jordan 0:18:35 Yeah. Well, no, 'cause I am the character. It's method.

William 0:18:39 Anything else been going on other than sort of Hollywood films?

Jordan 0:18:41 Not really. What about you? What have you been up to?

William 0:18:43 Well, I've been told I need to— So, are you in the gym? Do you ever do something called a lunge?

Jordan 0:18:46 I'm not a big fan of lunges, but I try to do 'em once a week, yeah.

William 0:18:50 Right, yeah. No, he gets me to do lunging all up. And you know that in my gym, that sort of thing in the middle, The sort of the track. The track, yeah. Yeah, yeah. So, we lunged across that a few times, and I've been doing it recently, and he told me, he went, no, you're doing it more as a curtsy.

Jordan 0:19:04 I bet you thought that was a compliment, didn't you?

William 0:19:07 I said, yeah, what's the problem? And he went, no, no, you need to do it more as a lunge. And I went, Joel, for that is his name.

Jordan 0:19:13 Jack It Up Joel.

William 0:19:13 Jack It Up Joel. I said, did you know I have a Guinness World Record in curtsying? So, it's only natural that I do that. He looked very confused.

Jordan 0:19:19 Really?

William 0:19:19 I don't think many of his clients have ever turned around and said that to him.

Jordan 0:19:22 It's a compliment, Jack.

William 0:19:22 So, I am doing my curtsies as lunges.

Jordan 0:19:24 Oh, the thought of you doing a lunge gives me the ick. Do you ever do a trump?

William 0:19:28 I'm sorry?

Jordan 0:19:29 You need to, like— has a trump ever come out when you've done a line jump? No.

William 0:19:34 Because I've got an excellent pelvic floor.

Jordan 0:19:36 Okay.

William 0:19:38 Yeah. So I don't. But we should— I do want to, and actually, once I go into the show, I have a lot of free time in the day, because everything else is coming up my diary other than Thursdays. I'm going to— we could go to the gym together.

Jordan 0:19:53 Sure.

William 0:19:53 We could work out.

Jordan 0:19:54 We'll just— we just need to get it out of the way and do it. Don't we?

William 0:19:58 And then we'll go to the gym.

Jordan 0:19:59 We'll do a nice big trumpy gym workout.

William 0:20:03 No, no, no.

Jordan 0:20:03 Can I just say, me and Ben—

William 0:20:04 I'm not going to work out with you if you're gonna fart all over the

Jordan 0:20:07 gym. Me and Ben are gentlemen, right? Gentlemen. Because we always never do it in here, and then whenever we go down the stairs downstairs, we always trump in the little hallway, don't we?

William 0:20:16 I don't know if Ben— I've never—

Jordan 0:20:18 We've done it a few times.

Speaker E 0:20:19 That's not true.

Jordan 0:20:21 We fart in that hallway all the time, don't we?

Speaker E 0:20:23 You do?

Jordan 0:20:23 Yeah, you do as well. And we giggle like Year 5s. Yeah.

Speaker E 0:20:28 It's cute.

Jordan 0:20:29 It is cute. We'd never do it in here for you lot. Izzy, on the other hand. Pull me finger, lad. Fucking hell, Izzy. Have some class.

William 0:20:37 Other news.

Jordan 0:20:40 Yes.

William 0:20:40 Now, I didn't actually message your friend and mine, Chris Stark, but I have gone ahead and got a barbecue.

Jordan 0:20:46 Have you?

William 0:20:47 Yeah.

Jordan 0:20:47 What did you get?

William 0:20:48 It's a Ninja.

Jordan 0:20:49 Was it a gas one?

William 0:20:52 It's gas.

Jordan 0:20:52 Ah, Willy. I've got a gas one. It's a mistake.

William 0:20:56 No, I wanted gas.

Jordan 0:20:57 Might as well have an oven.

William 0:20:58 Well, what's yours?

Jordan 0:21:00 Gas.

William 0:21:02 Okay, but what should I have got?

Jordan 0:21:03 Charcoal.

William 0:21:05 I don't want charcoal. I'm not sure it's good for the environment.

Jordan 0:21:07 It is. You can get environmentally friendly ones. You can get environmentally friendly oak now.

William 0:21:11 It would be more environmentally friendly just to have a piece of fruit. If we're going down that route.

Jordan 0:21:16 Yeah, but you can't serve fruit to your garden guests, can you?

William 0:21:21 My garden guests.

Jordan 0:21:23 Can you?

William 0:21:23 No. It hasn't gone up yet, to be fair.

Jordan 0:21:26 Okay.

William 0:21:26 Because I don't know what to do. So I'm trying to find a handyman.

Jordan 0:21:29 Put a bike on

William 0:21:29 it. Well, yeah. I'm trying to find a handyman to come and sort of pop it up.

Jordan 0:21:34 God, my God. You can't even put up your own bloody—

William 0:21:36 A barbecue apparently is very complicated, and it's got gas, and I don't sort of want to like sort of blow the house up because I couldn't put a barbecue together.

Jordan 0:21:43 I got someone to do my garden just because it needed proper doing, but I'm I'm on Toppat Garden, now I'm jet washing. The only thing I don't do is put pictures up.

William 0:21:49 When your barbecue— did you assemble yours?

Jordan 0:21:52 Yeah, I did actually.

William 0:21:54 Well, would you like to come around and do mine?

Jordan 0:21:55 If I can jet wash, yeah.

William 0:21:57 I've been jet washed. I don't need to be flipping jet— you can do the front. To be fair, I didn't jet wash the front. You can do the front for me.

Jordan 0:22:03 You need to warn the neighbours though. It'll be—

William 0:22:05 What?

Jordan 0:22:06 Well, splash zone.

William 0:22:08 It'll be like SeaWorld. You're in the splash zone.

Jordan 0:22:09 Noisy and stuff. Yeah, okay. Yeah, SeaWorld. That's what we were all thinking when I said splash zone.

William 0:22:15 Well, yeah, in SeaWorld. I used to go to SeaWorld as a child, see Shamu. RIP.

Jordan 0:22:20 And— Is Shamu dead?

William 0:22:22 Well, the show is. And you would have, you know, if you sat near the front, it would say, you are in the splash zone.

Jordan 0:22:28 You know, I was quite— Hmm?

William 0:22:34 I think I know this story.

Jordan 0:22:35 Well, you know, I was quite chubby as a child.

William 0:22:38 Yeah. You enjoyed your food.

Jordan 0:22:39 I enjoyed my food. I was a teenager.

William 0:22:42 And breads. And Dominic's.

Jordan 0:22:43 And I was in Bath once. My mum ran me a bath and my elder brother had pasta. I'm like, oi, Shimu, how long are you gonna be in there?

William 0:22:48 That's not good. Were they in the splash zone?

Jordan 0:22:54 Probably, yeah.

William 0:22:55 Anyway, yeah, barbecue is there. It's not actually put up, so I can't actually do anything with it. But I'm quite excited that I've reached a new level of butch. But I do have a lovely Liberty print barbecue apron, so that's going to offset it.

Jordan 0:23:09 I bet you're one of those barbecuers, more salad with you, and I bet you put everything in the oven first, don't you?

William 0:23:15 I've said it before, most things taste better in the oven than on a barbecue. But I appreciate the sort of the Neanderthal gene it taps into, barbecuing outside.

Jordan 0:23:24 Who are you gonna have round at your barbecue? All those twinks going, oh, raw meat! Oh, how gross!

William 0:23:30 Raw meat? I hope it's not bloody raw meat.

Jordan 0:23:32 We're fine with our Sensation Crisp and hummus. Don't— they won't let— none of your lot will appreciate— none of your friends will appreciate a barbecue. Freddie at a barbecue.

William 0:23:41 I think they'll all love it.

Jordan 0:23:43 I'm trying to think who else.

William 0:23:45 Jonathan likes a barbecue. In fact, Jonathan actually could come and do the barbecue for me.

Jordan 0:23:52 Jonathan would be great. I'll do the salads. Yeah, there you go.

William 0:23:55 I'm looking forward to marinating the meat, because they've got some lovely new Ottolenghi marinades at Waitrose.

Jordan 0:24:01 I met him on Saturday Kitchen.

William 0:24:08 Sorry, several G and Ds.

Jordan 0:24:11 Yotam

William 0:24:14 Ottolenghi.

Jordan 0:24:15 Is that what his name is?

William 0:24:16 I believe

Jordan 0:24:17 so. Ottolenghi.

William 0:24:19 Yeah, Yotam.

Jordan 0:24:19 For those, uh, our wonderful G and Ds who might not know him, he's always on Sat the Kitchen and he's got a couple of shops and restaurants.

William 0:24:25 Yeah.

Jordan 0:24:26 And he's got some beautiful cookbooks.

William 0:24:28 His best cookbook he did, because quite a lot of them are very complicated and you need to be a Michelin chef. No, they're not.

Jordan 0:24:33 I won't hear a bad word.

William 0:24:34 Simple. is very good. It lives up to its— I had a really bitchy— my really bitchy friend Matt once, when he was round at the housewarming, came round and he looked at my cookbooks. He went, hmm, I'm spotting a theme. Simple. Make it easy.

Jordan 0:24:48 Yeah.

William 0:24:49 One-pot dishes. I could have punched him.

Jordan 0:24:51 Well, you can tell that when you've eaten at yours before.

William 0:24:54 Excuse me?

Jordan 0:24:56 Hey,

William 0:24:56 corned beef hash. Oh, I just like to do like one great big thing that you just like pop in the middle and just like let it go. People help themselves. Bring your own tray, mate. Throw it on everything. I've never done you Greek lamb traybake. That is a Monday to Thursday.

Jordan 0:25:10 What my mum did, just got it from freezer, threw it on a tray, and whacked it in oven. That's all you do. But hers were smiley faces and turkey dinosaurs.

William 0:25:18 Well, this face isn't smiling.

Jordan 0:25:19 Okay, but, um, Art Alenge, I've met him before. He's a lovely fella.

William 0:25:23 At least I serve on time.

Jordan 0:25:26 I always— no, because I purposely don't serve on time so everyone gets pissed.

William 0:25:31 I think— what, what did you do last time when We went round with Sian and Chris and Chelsey and James.

Jordan 0:25:35 Was that a paella?

William 0:25:37 Yeah. It was, it was more of a breakfast by the time we were eating it, wasn't it?

Jordan 0:25:42 Yeah. I mean, I haven't hosted in a while. Oh, I've got my neighbours coming round, actually. Lovely. At the weekend.

William 0:25:47 Yeah. Everybody loves good neighbours.

Jordan 0:25:48 Yeah. I sent— put one of my— one of your posh postcards through the door.

William 0:25:52 Oh, your posh postcards now?

Jordan 0:25:53 I know that you got me from moving in present.

William 0:25:55 Lovely. Yeah. Just before we move on, before we recorded today's episode, I was absolutely eviscerated, or attempted to, by his standards, by Producer Ben. Producer Ben, would you like to chip in and just recreate what—

Speaker E 0:26:11 Hi guys.

William 0:26:12 Hello.

Speaker E 0:26:13 Well, this was— this, it started a few weeks ago actually, Jordan, and I'm keen to hear your thoughts on this. So obviously I ran the marathon. I don't know if I mentioned.

William 0:26:22 You didn't mention it, no.

Jordan 0:26:23 I'm in a movie, but I'm not allowed to mention it.

Speaker E 0:26:27 And I made the decision that I think was the right one to book a day off work the day after the marathon.

Jordan 0:26:34 Yeah, of course.

Speaker E 0:26:35 To help, to aid in my recovery.

Jordan 0:26:37 Yes, of course.

Speaker E 0:26:38 Bearing in mind that when I have not booked a day off of work to aid in my recovery previously, William also had a go at me.

Jordan 0:26:44 See Glastonbury episode.

William 0:26:47 Yeah, one of them is— I wouldn't put Glastonbury on the par with running a marathon. Even I wouldn't.

Jordan 0:26:51 Oh no, I reckon Glastonbury's harder. A full weekend at Glasgow.

Speaker E 0:26:55 So anyway, I then on that day off posted a lovely picture on my Instagram story of me in the park. Me just lying there, chilling.

Jordan 0:27:05 Yeah.

Speaker E 0:27:05 And William replied to it being like, you've had a day off after running the marathon?

Jordan 0:27:09 He's such a bitch. He is.

Speaker E 0:27:11 And I was just like—

William 0:27:13 I just thought it was unprofessional.

Speaker E 0:27:14 Hang on a second. For someone who can—

Jordan 0:27:16 He ran a marathon in 3 hours. Give the lad a break.

William 0:27:19 And 37 minutes.

Speaker E 0:27:21 And 37 minutes. For someone who can swan around town whenever he wants to, getting his hair cut bloody hard whenever he wants at any point in the day, honestly, having a maybe like a casual breakfast, we sound like putting it in as a work meeting.

Jordan 0:27:34 Oh, we sound like his parents. When he starts work full-time in a few weeks, this Titanic is going to bloody hit him. You won't know what— you won't know the real world until it's hit your lap.

Speaker E 0:27:42 You'll want a day off then.

Jordan 0:27:43 I know you will.

Speaker E 0:27:44 I guarantee after that 48 show run, William will do absolutely the square root of fuck all on the Monday morning.

William 0:27:58 Who's put 50? Me and you.

Jordan 0:27:59 Yes! Yes!

William 0:28:01 Well, I have put 50.

Jordan 0:28:03 Tell 'em, queen. You go, diva.

Speaker E 0:28:04 We're snapping.

Jordan 0:28:05 Yeah, we're snapping our fingers. Yeah.

William 0:28:07 What is lovely is that Ben, just like you, Jordan, is so easy to wind up.

Jordan 0:28:11 I'm not easy to wind up. Easy, easy.

William 0:28:13 I know what buttons to press.

Jordan 0:28:14 He's easy to wind up.

William 0:28:15 When he puts his little sort of thirsty hero face on. Look at my legs, tired legs in the park.

Jordan 0:28:20 Thirsty?

Speaker E 0:28:22 Says you turning up in gym kit the other week.

William 0:28:24 I've got the receipts, you asked me.

Jordan 0:28:27 Also, and whilst talking about thirsty, you're a right thirsty little bitch these days on social media, so wind your neck in. Christ.

William 0:28:34 What have I done?

Jordan 0:28:34 Oh Jesus, you're worse than Izzy. Your arse is always out on bloody social media.

William 0:28:41 I'll see you in court.

Jordan 0:28:42 Well, you will. Christ.

William 0:28:47 Well, I don't know what to say other than, would you like an etymology?

Jordan 0:28:50 Yeah, what's it on? Being a thirsty little slut.

William 0:28:54 Over to Jordan.

Jordan 0:28:57 I'm not thirsty.

Speaker E 0:28:59 Days off work.

William 0:29:00 There's so much I could say.

Jordan 0:29:04 Why am I thirsty? I just reshare reels from Capital in here.

William 0:29:10 I'm going to talk to you, inspired by what we were talking about only the other week, about is it the Union Flag or is it the Union Jack? You asked for this.

Jordan 0:29:18 You can tell we're both due a holiday.

Speaker G 0:32:55 It's William, William, the etiquette geek. His knowledge, knowledge is quite unique. He'll give you manners, manners, subtle tweak. It's time for William's Etiquettey-Me-Tiquettey-Minology of the Week. Cha-cha-cha, cha-cha-cha, cha-cha-cha, cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha.

William 0:33:13 Now, this is quite complicated, so buckle up. The death of Elizabeth I in 1603, just after 4 o'clock, had an unintended consequence that had not been considered. With the accession of James I, England and Scotland became one realm, because James was the former King of Scotland. So, we became the Kingdom of Great Britain, all whilst maintaining separate constitutions. The problem, however, arose at sea. Whilst England had its own flag, the flag of St. George, and Scotland that of St. Andrew, the joining of the crowns caused a problem for flags on ships. Which flag was the Navy to fly? Initially, vessels on the Scottish Royal Navy flew the Scottish flag above the English one and Scottish ones above the Scottish. However, this was bad etiquette because, as mentioned on the episode a few weeks ago, you don't double flag national flags on the same mast. So, in 1606, James I acted and created what was initially called the British flag by combining the flags of England and Scotland. The term Union Flag first appeared in 1625, The Act of Union in 1801 added the Red Cross of St. Patrick representing Ireland and forming what we have today. Now we get into the Jack debate. Many people refer to the Union Flag as the Union Jack, and Jordan's yawning, but I'm going to try not to take that personally.

Jordan 0:34:33 It wasn't personal.

William 0:34:35 And just as many are quick to correct them that it's only the Jack when at sea. Well, is that true, and why do we call it Jack? Well, basically, in Old English, Jack means something diminutive, So, when a naval ship flew on a small flag on the bow, it was known as the Union Jack, the Jack, or the King's Jack. In 1674, the Admiralty clarified that the small flag would be known as His Majesty's Jack, or informally, the Union Jack. But basically, both names were used by the Admiralty. So, is the Union Jack only called Such when flown at sea-ish, but it is complicated because the government stated that in the House of Lords on the 14th of July, 1908, that it may fairly be stated that the Union Jack should be regarded as the national flag, and it undoubtedly may be flown on land by all of His Majesty's subjects. So, whilst they are sort of both correct, you can say either. The royal family, who are sort of the authority on etiquette-ish, say Union Flag. Whereas Union Jack is more informal or affectionate.

Jordan 0:35:39 Oh, so it was— it did start at sea.

William 0:35:41 It did start at sea.

Jordan 0:35:42 More formally, it's the Union Flag.

William 0:35:44 Yes.

Jordan 0:35:44 But now it's the Union— it's colloquially known as the Union Jack.

William 0:35:48 Correct. So, I hope that clears that up.

Jordan 0:35:51 That was very interesting.

William 0:35:53 They always are.

Jordan 0:35:54 They always are.

William 0:35:55 Thank you.

Jordan 0:35:55 Thank you.

William 0:35:56 Should we go on to the problems and dilemmas?

Jordan 0:35:57 Yes, please. Let's. Now that I'm a movie star, do I have to scroll my own iPad or…?

William 0:36:02 Oh, fuck. Go away.

Jordan 0:36:04 Now it's time for your questions and dilemmas. Remember, if you need our help with something, then get in touch. You can send your tales of trepidation to help@sexandmyboss.com. You can DM us, we're @sexandmyboss on the socials, or you can write to William, who in the fullness of time promises a handwritten reply on one of our luxury greeting cards with executive self-seal envelopes. The address is on the website, sexandmyboss.com. And remember, we have no idea what's coming up.

William 0:36:27 Our first dilemma is from Olivia. Dear HRH William, Master Jordan, EPP, and the rest of the Sexted gang. My long-term partner's grandfather passed away this weekend, and I would like to send his grandmother some flowers and a sympathy card. But do I say that they are from just me, or me and my boyfriend? My boyfriend and me. It seems kind of odd for them not to be from my boyfriend too. However, I was always under the impression that someone grieving does not give flowers and a card to someone grieving the same death. I might be totally wrong in overthinking it, but I would appreciate your nonetheless. I have the honour to remain your obedient servant. Very good. Olivia.

Jordan 0:37:03 Oh, it's not like that. That's how you sign off.

William 0:37:05 That's how you sign off to a monarch in the very traditional form.

Jordan 0:37:08 Would you— oh God, don't, don't, don't. I'm not into that.

William 0:37:12 Not someone being your obedient servant?

Jordan 0:37:15 No. God, no. Oh no, you're overthinking it. It's from you and your boyfriend. Yeah. It's simple, that one. You wouldn't not put your boy— it'd be weird if you didn't put your boyfriend's name on it.

William 0:37:24 Especially as his Yeah. His grandfather.

Jordan 0:37:26 You put from both of you to any funeral.

William 0:37:28 Yeah. Generally, flowers—

Jordan 0:37:29 Unless the person who died, one of you's hated them.

William 0:37:31 Well, there is always that. I would— generally, flowers are in loving memory of the person who has died rather than— so, rather than to a specific person. So, if a relative of yours, let's say Jordan, God forbid, passed away, I would not say, Jordan, here are some lovely flowers in memory of— or, Jordan, here are some lovely flowers for you. thinking of you, love William. It would be, in loving memory of X. The exception to that rule is if you had actually never met that person, then you might write, Jordan, thinking of you. But if you have met that person, I assume you have, then yes, send them from both of you.

Jordan 0:38:08 And lilies are apparently a funeral flower,

William 0:38:10 but

Jordan 0:38:11 roses?

William 0:38:11 You can send anything, really. It depends what sort of funeral they like. You could— I mean, someone that we know has gone through a death, so we have sent some pale pastel pinks rather than sort of bright colours, because we know that they wouldn't want white lilies. So we've done that. Our next dilemma is from Koen. Dear William and Jordan, let me start by thanking you and the whole Sextant team for the many hours of entertainment, making me laugh out loud more often than I care to admit during gym workouts or on long flights. Before I get to my question, let me give you some background information. I work as an in-house videographer for a large Dutch shipbuilder. Part of my job involves travelling all over the world to film boats and ships and even—

Jordan 0:38:48 What a job!

William 0:38:49 And even though I would love to go into detail on the difference between the two, my dilemma does not concern floating objects but rather air travel. My frequent work trips enabled me to gain the top level in the frequent flyer programme of our national carrier.

Jordan 0:39:02 Oh, nice, gold.

William 0:39:03 That'll be KLM. This allows me access to the business class lounges at most airports. It is a welcome perk when I travel alone. However, occasionally colleagues of mine are booked on the same flight. Often these people I only vaguely know and don't work with directly, even though they often do know me because of my unique job within the company. Also good to know, most of them travel less than me and therefore don't have lounge access. In comes my dilemma. I must admit that I much prefer to wait for my flight in a lounge surrounded by free drinks and snacks to an overcrowded gate next to people I don't share much more with than an employer. However, I also don't want to be the snooty antisocial filmmaker who just disappears until it is time for boarding. So, what is the etiquette for this class division fabricated by the airline industry? Should I show solidarity with my colleagues and share in the suffering, or can I make an Irish exit after check-in and see myself to some middle-class luxury in the lounge? Your advice would be greatly appreciated. Kind regards, Koen, Rotterdam, the Netherlands. Well, I would say you're trying to have your cake and eat it there. Unless you get to the airport well in advance and you can get yourself into the lounge before your colleagues arrive, And then again leave it, you know, wait for boarding to start and then sort of toddle on later. You're sort of asking us for the impossible. I appreciate you won't be able to take all of your colleagues into the lounge. You might be allowed one guest, for example, rather than 4. But I mean, it's a lovely problem to have. It's a very first-world problem, but you can't have your cake and eat it. However, there are some airports, particularly in the Middle East, Where the entire terminal is replicated on several layers. So if you are travelling business class or first class, your gate— so the gates are replicated, there are 3 points. So you, once you're in the lounge, you board from the lounge, so you don't have to come out the lounge and then find the gate.

Jordan 0:40:50 That's fancy.

William 0:40:50 Yeah, and so actually you don't see anyone else. But that's those airports. Most airports don't have that, although I think it's a very sensible innovation.

Jordan 0:40:58 But nothing lasts forever. Enjoy that business class lounge whilst you can. So, go for it. Don't feel guilty. Go for it. I won't begrudge anyone if they said, look, I'm gonna go in there. I'll be like, you crack on.

William 0:41:07 But also, take in a colleague from time to time. Go, right, this week I'm bringing in Jordan. Next week it's Ben.

Jordan 0:41:12 Oh yeah, you can take guests in.

William 0:41:13 Then it's Sophia.

Jordan 0:41:14 Then it's you. But you don't want to have to make small talk with colleagues before a flight.

William 0:41:17 Well, I probably would suggest it. I think it's nice, personally. This is from anonymous. Hey guys, I had an incident some years ago when I was on a bus on my way back home to Wigan. I started— Oh, this could be—

Jordan 0:41:31 Alright, let's get comfortable for this one.

William 0:41:33 I started feeling very uncomfortable with some stomach pains, which soon became a desperate need to poo. However, this bus was stuck in traffic, and I wasn't sure how long it was going to take to get to my stop. But I was getting rather panicky as my arse was quivering. The battle had begun. A real hoder— hoder experience?

Jordan 0:41:49 Hodor.

William 0:41:50 Hodor experience? Must be a Wigan thing.

Jordan 0:41:53 No, Hodor's from Game of Thrones.

William 0:41:55 Oh, is it? Oh, right.

Jordan 0:41:55 Hodor. He was trying to hold it in.

William 0:41:58 Uh, as more time went on, the bus still barely moved, and I began considering more options. I sent a text to my mum letting her know that I may have to shit in a carrier bag. But don't worry, I did not give in to this idea. The bus began moving, and I managed to get into Wigan town, where I got off the bus and walked, or rather waddled, to the Grand Arcade. I managed to get to the loos in the Grand Arcade and had the biggest poo of my life under the U-bend and above the seat. No, I'm cleaning it up for everyone. I tried flushing, but as you may imagine, this was the beginning of the problems. The water raised and barely went back down. Yet for some reason, I decided to attempt a second flush, which just made the water fill to the rim and nearly pour over the edge. Not the second flush. What should I do? I asked myself and decided there is only one thing that I can do and just leave it. So I used loo paper to place on top of this giant turd like some kind of hat. I waited for the loos to go quiet. I made a run for it. You may wonder what happened after. What about the poor cleaner that would have to tackle this monstrosity? Well, who knows? All I can tell you is this incident made it into the local newspaper after the loos had to be closed off due to flooding.

Jordan 0:43:00 How big was this shit?

William 0:43:02 That also flooded H&M and the floor below the loos.

Jordan 0:43:05 Shut up!

William 0:43:06 So was this the correct way to handle this situation? I ask this as this was not the first or last time this happened.

Jordan 0:43:12 You need to go— who's Just writing in, King Kong!

William 0:43:16 And for anyone worried, I have seen a doctor about the issue and to check my anatomy. It's IBS. I bet it is anonymous.

Jordan 0:43:23 How big are these turds?

William 0:43:25 Wow.

Jordan 0:43:25 You're causing bloody chaos. Also, what was the headline in the newspaper? Get back in touch. Massive shit causes flood.

William 0:43:33 Big evacuation in the Grand Arcade.

Jordan 0:43:36 Yeah, that'd be a good one. Yeah. Big turd causes—

William 0:43:39 Yeah, send us the newspaper clipping. I'd like to do that for a bonus.

Jordan 0:43:42 Big shrug causes flood. Oh. I don't know. Also, if you— personal advice, if you ever block a toilet, don't— we're all tempted. Never do a second flush. Get the toilet brush and try and—

William 0:43:55 You see, and we've said it on Luxury Podcast.

Jordan 0:43:57 Pop it down.

William 0:43:57 It's very antisocial not to provide a loo brush.

Jordan 0:44:00 Do you talk about this sort of thing on Luxury Podcast?

William 0:44:03 Yes.

Jordan 0:44:03 Right, get the toilet brush and try and shove it down the U-bend.

William 0:44:07 Jordan, we did a whole episode a few weeks ago about bins.

Jordan 0:44:09 Oh, okay. That's my advice. And that usually helps, especially if it's paper. But then try to knock off the paper. I know it's a dirty business because nothing worse than when all the paper wraps around the bog brush.

William 0:44:20 Making me feel slightly ill.

Jordan 0:44:22 You need to— you're a friggin' haphazard. You want to start taking Tupperware out with you.

William 0:44:27 Oh, wow.

Jordan 0:44:30 Well, or lunchboxes or something. Obviously—

Speaker E 0:44:33 How big is your bloody Tupperware for that?

Jordan 0:44:36 You need a Pringles box or something for him.

Speaker E 0:44:39 A Pringles box?

Jordan 0:44:40 Yeah, a big long thing.

William 0:44:41 Tube.

Speaker E 0:44:42 Yeah. A few of them are fixed.

Jordan 0:44:44 Tube. How big are these shits? What, we talk like the size of an owl?

Speaker E 0:44:47 It fills up above the seat level. If that's true.

Jordan 0:44:52 What's the biggest poo you've ever had?

William 0:44:54 I don't know. I don't poo. This is from Mitch. G'day, cobbers. Apologies in advance for the sex podcast adjacent question, but recently having started dating again after exiting my last and first relationship of 10 years, I've encountered an unusual issue regarding the size of my member.

Jordan 0:45:10 Christ.

William 0:45:12 I'll take this. And my ex, yes, gay, never commented on it, so I just assumed it was normal size. And while yes, I have seen porn, I never thought it was anything special. So now that I've entered the dating world, the consistent feedback is that it is monster-sized and porn-worthy. I endeavour to provide a humble response, but it becomes such a focal point of attention in that moment that it makes me self-conscious. So what is the etiquette when a date rips your pants off during a makeout session and exclaims loudly, wow, that thing's huge! How do I respond?

Jordan 0:45:44 It's like that cleaner in Wigan.

William 0:45:45 Further, how or what do I counter-compliment their member without coming across as facetious? Generally asking for guidance in navigating these perturbing scenarios. Cheers, Mitch.

Jordan 0:45:56 I mean, it's just cheers and yours is cute.

William 0:45:59 No, that's a reflex compliment.

Jordan 0:46:02 What does that mean?

William 0:46:03 Don't— You're

Jordan 0:46:04 not so bad yourself.

William 0:46:05 No, don't— anything, whether it's someone's whatever or a jacket or a pair of shoes, if I go, I love that jacket, don't then go, I love that quarter zip. What you do is you remember that I've complimented you and then later on go, and I love that quarter zip. Because if you— anything, if you give a compliment immediately back, it just comes off as insincere.

Jordan 0:46:26 Oh, does it? Yeah. So, even when you're comparing cocks, Just say, thank you.

William 0:46:31 You just go, thank you, and move on.

Jordan 0:46:33 I bet you've got a lovely arse.

William 0:46:35 No, no, 'cause that's a reflex compliment.

Jordan 0:46:37 Okay.

William 0:46:38 Don't say anything. You just go, thanks very much.

Jordan 0:46:40 Just say, oh, thank you.

William 0:46:41 That's all you need to say. Thank you. Keep it short.

Jordan 0:46:44 Alright.

William 0:46:44 Which might be hard.

Jordan 0:46:45 From big old cucks to big old turds. What's the final dilemma, please?

William 0:46:50 It's from anonymous. Hi guys, quick one for the pod. I'm a British hairdresser living in Australia, and we have a supermarket Woolworths here. You can collect your Woollies points every time you shop. This isn't an ad. I had a client the other day come in and tell me her boyfriend had broken up with her 7 weeks ago, and she was utterly heartbroken. However, 3 weeks into their separation, she gets a notification from her Woolworths Rewards app with a copy of the receipt from the most recent purchase. The ex-boyfriend had gone to the supermarket and had purchased condoms and scanned her Woolworths Rewards card. She texted him afterwards to ask if he had really moved on that quickly, to which he replied, I thought you'd appreciate the points.

Jordan 0:47:24 Oh, he's just doing that to be a knob. He weren't. He knew what he were doing.

William 0:47:27 What is the etiquette when using your ex-partner of 3 weeks' supermarket rewards cards to purchase condoms? Anonymous.

Jordan 0:47:33 Be the bigger person. I think he was— I think he knew exactly what he was doing there.

William 0:47:36 I think he knew what he was doing. I'd get in touch with Woolworths, or whichever supermarket you shop in, and get them to issue you a new card number and cancel the old cards. That's what I would do.

Jordan 0:47:46 Don't rise to it. But he knew what he was doing.

William 0:47:48 He absolutely knew what he was doing.

Jordan 0:47:51 Men can be very mischievousless and— What? Mischievous and manip—

William 0:47:55 What word were you— I think you were trying to say 2 words in one.

Jordan 0:47:57 Mischievous and manipulating. Yeah. Mischievelating.

William 0:47:59 Mischievelous.

Jordan 0:48:00 That sounds like what he was doing. Thank you for your questions and dilemmas. Remember, you can listen to new episodes every Tuesday and Friday, and 24 hours before anywhere else on Global Player. You can watch us on YouTube as well. We put full episodes up every release day, just head to YouTube and search for Sex Ed.

William 0:48:16 And we'll see you on Friday.

Jordan 0:48:17 There's a snake in my boot! To infinity and beyond!

William 0:48:22 Oh, I remember that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, back in the day.

Jordan 0:48:27 I'm Mrs. Nesbitt!

William 0:48:29 Oh my God, I have got such a good video of you doing that at that wedding.

Jordan 0:48:31 Yeah, see, that was— Oh my God, can we—

William 0:48:34 you won't want us to post that.

Jordan 0:48:35 Why? Well, I think we've posted it before.

William 0:48:37 Have we?

Jordan 0:48:38 Yeah, I was being Buzz Lightyear. A wedding piss.

William 0:48:40 In Toy Story 1.

Jordan 0:48:41 I had a little floppy eye.

William 0:48:42 Little did you know when Toy Story 1 came out you'd be in Toy Story 5. There you go. There we go. See you on Friday.