Help He’s Entering My Tardis | And We’ve Got A New Studio!

Jordan 0:01:37 Hello and welcome to Help, I Sexted My Boss, the podcast where we help you navigate the challenges of modern life. answering your 21st century questions and finding solutions to everyday dilemmas. Like, what should you do if your member is so ginormous it makes people jealous? Or how do you come to terms with the fact that you're such a short king they've cast you as a gnome in Toy Story? And what should you do if you've accidentally sexted your boss? But we're not your usual agony aunts, are we, William Hanson?

William 0:02:15 No, we're not, Jordan North. I'm more Dicky Bo, you're more Icky No. And that's from Rupert.

Jordan 0:02:20 Very good. Well done. Very good. And you are joining us as we're in our brand new studio! Oh! Look at this!

William 0:02:26 Yes.

Jordan 0:02:27 Look at this. This was a joint interior design effort from me and William, and I think it's fair to say it's worked quite well.

William 0:02:33 Yes. Now, we'll describe it for audio listeners. You can obviously see it on YouTube. So we've got big marble pillars and this big sweeping staircase.

Jordan 0:02:41 No MDF in sight.

William 0:02:43 Nope. No, it's not. It's red. It is sort of— brothel meets post office is probably how I would describe this.

Jordan 0:02:52 Brothel meets post office.

William 0:02:54 Yes. You're colourblind, so actually, can you see any of the colour in this?

Jordan 0:02:56 It's a deep rougey red, I'd say.

William 0:02:58 It is.

Jordan 0:02:59 Is it a rougey red?

William 0:03:00 Yeah.

Jordan 0:03:01 Yeah.

William 0:03:01 It's a claret.

Jordan 0:03:02 Is it? It's not claret, that.

William 0:03:04 Is it?

Jordan 0:03:05 Nah, it's not claret. It's a good red, though.

William 0:03:07 I'll tell you—

Jordan 0:03:08 We've got a new table as well.

William 0:03:10 Talking of a good red, I'm pouring the gin and Dubonnet.

Jordan 0:03:12 Pouring the gin and Dubonnet.

William 0:03:13 That has remained the same. If you want to, of course, see the new studio, you can look at our socials, or you can look on YouTube. Lovely. Anyway, how are you? I haven't seen you for a couple of weeks.

Jordan 0:03:23 I know! How was your holiday? How was Greece? Did you mount Olympus?

William 0:03:25 No, I didn't mount— No, I didn't, no. 'Cause actually, turns out Mount Olympus is nowhere near Greece. Oh. So we didn't go anywhere near it, sadly. But let's toast, before I tell you all about my holiday, let's toast Mirella, via her sister, Annalisa, who wrote in to say, please can you raise a toast to my sister, Mirella, who recently got the keys to her first home? We have plans to drink a few fizzy lizzies, listen to the podcast, and unpack. We're huge fans of the pod, and have been to your live shows in Manchester and Sheffield, and quote all of you too many times. Thank you so much, Annalisa. So this is to you, Muriella, homeowner at last.

Jordan 0:04:01 Congratulations. Congratulations!

William 0:04:04 Lovely. How does the D taste in the new home?

Jordan 0:04:06 Oh, it's great.

William 0:04:07 Why are you pulling that face?

Jordan 0:04:10 It's got a bit more of a kick.

William 0:04:11 I might have gone a bit too strong with the gin. That might be more of a 50/50.

Jordan 0:04:14 That's a strong gin and the butler, I'm not gonna lie. Yes. Anyway, go on, tell us about your holiday. What did you get up to?

William 0:04:18 Well, Greece. I'd never been to Greece before. Have you not? So it was sort of uncharted territory for me. And it was very nice. Love— I mean, beautiful people. They're lovely. They're very welcoming. They're very hospitable. The airport at Athens was very efficient, I thought. So that's nice. Always the sign of a good holiday. Yes. Both, you know, coming and going.

Jordan 0:04:38 Were you on the mainland then?

William 0:04:39 Yeah.

Jordan 0:04:39 Oh.

William 0:04:40 Just on the Athens Riviera.

Jordan 0:04:41 Oh.

William 0:04:42 Really. I don't know if that's officially called it, but on a peninsula just down from Athens. We didn't do one of the islands.

Jordan 0:04:47 What were weather like?

William 0:04:48 What were weather like? It was very nice. Thank you. Yes, it was sort of— it was about 20— officially 24, 25, but it felt a bit warmer. So, that's lovely. Gentle breeze. And I got into something that I'd always been a little bit cautious of. I don't know whether you're like this with swimming. I would much prefer to swim in a pool than the sea. Do you have a preference?

Jordan 0:05:10 I like both. I feel there's something about swimming in the sea that feels fresher. And your hair's always great the night, you know, when you've been swimming at sea,

William 0:05:20 and

Jordan 0:05:20 then you go and do your hair before you go out for tea.

William 0:05:22 Okay.

Jordan 0:05:23 Yeah, it's really nice.

William 0:05:24 Right.

Jordan 0:05:24 Can you tell I've been back home?

William 0:05:25 Yes.

Jordan 0:05:26 Yeah. I can't quite— I've heard it on myself.

William 0:05:28 I'm not— I used to not like sort of swimming in the sea, because you never know what else is around you.

Jordan 0:05:33 Yeah.

William 0:05:34 And we've all seen certain films, and that always goes through my head.

Jordan 0:05:38 It's fresh. You feel more alive after swimming in the sea.

William 0:05:40 Well, you do. It's flippin' cold. But anyway—

Jordan 0:05:42 It's in Greece.

William 0:05:43 Yeah, but it was very blue, to be fair, and we could— you could sort of see what was around you. So I felt more reassured. And they said to me, as I was getting in on the first day, and I was like, oh, you know, 'cause there were all the markers in the water, the buoys, to sort of mark it out. And they said, you've just got to stay inside the buoys. And I said, well, I don't need to be asked twice. And in I went.

Jordan 0:06:01 And I bet you thought, mm! Mm! I'm swimming in— mm, I must write that in the notes on my phone.

William 0:06:10 Yep, I did exactly that.

Jordan 0:06:12 I bet you did it. Yes. You did it. Hmm.

William 0:06:14 So I was in there every day.

Jordan 0:06:15 Okay. How often would you swim every day, like? Yeah.

William 0:06:19 Oh no, just once a day.

Jordan 0:06:20 Oh, just once a day.

William 0:06:20 And then I did the pool for the rest of the time. Okay. Which was nice. Read a few books, finished that Anthony Horowitz book, A Deadly Episode that I talked about a few weeks ago. Loved that. Finished off my book on Queen Elizabeth.

Jordan 0:06:30 Oh, wow.

William 0:06:31 That's not me writing one. That's me reading a book by Hugo Vickers.

Jordan 0:06:34 Is this because Mikey wasn't there for the first few days?

William 0:06:35 Mikey sadly wasn't there for the first few days. No, I finished The Queen, the book, in the latter half of the holiday when Mikey was present.

Jordan 0:06:43 So he texted me and he was on his own, and I felt a bit tight on you, but Mikey wasn't well, bless him.

William 0:06:47 He wasn't very well. And it was a decision made right at the last minute when it was too late to cancel the holiday. And we— anyway, he went, you go on, I'll join you in a couple of days. So what did you do for the first few days? Well, I stayed inside, The

Jordan 0:06:59 Boys. I quite like the thought of just going on holiday and reading books on my own, but what did you do?

William 0:07:04 It was— look, for 2 days it was fine. I did, I did say to Mikey when he then eventually came on day 3, I was like, first 2 days was like, oh, this is a novel. And then after that I was like, no, I couldn't do a whole week on my own.

Jordan 0:07:15 Really? I reckon I could. Did you eat on your own?

William 0:07:17 Well, yeah, I mean, I didn't starve to death. Yes.

Jordan 0:07:19 I know, but did you go down and were you just— because I think that looks very chic. You're just there with a book and a glass of wine.

William 0:07:24 Yeah, I have no problem eating on my own. I know some people get a bit— head up a bit. I would if there was loads of people.

Jordan 0:07:29 bustling there. That's the only thing that put me off. I'd probably go about 5, 6 o'clock when no one else is in there.

William 0:07:34 I did get— I know it's hard to believe now, but I did get a little bit of a tan. Although I felt really bad because on like day 5, I got in the lift— I was in the lift and it stopped off at a different floor, and some American men came in and they sort of started chatting. And they said to me, how do you manage it? And I said, how do I manage what? And they said, to stay so pale. And I was like, this is— this is— This is David Dickinson in comparison to what I normally am. If you actually see the video, I don't wanna go on about it all the time, but the video I filmed to announce me in Titanic was filmed in Athens. I think I look really bronzed in that video.

Jordan 0:08:08 I thought it was makeup.

William 0:08:09 No! I didn't even take my makeup with me.

Jordan 0:08:11 Oh, really?

William 0:08:12 That was raw.

Jordan 0:08:13 Wow.

William 0:08:13 Raw and on the rocks. Oh, talking drama. So when Mikey was there, so there were different parts of sort of the beach and the pool and stuff. And the staff, when they were sort of transporting sort of food or drinks or towels or whatever, they had like Bikes, but tricycles. They were in effect glorified tricycles. And they were sort of very wide paths. Anyway, Mikey and I are sort of walking back from the pool back to our rooms— room. And we sort of— there was a young female member of staff on her bike. And they're all very polite and say hello. And the next— and she goes past us. And bear in mind, the path is as wide as this studio. The next thing you know, we hear the most almighty crash, and she has come off her bike literally onto the rocks.

Jordan 0:08:58 Oh no.

William 0:08:59 I mean, we thought she was a goner. She's fine.

Jordan 0:09:02 It's not like you and Mikey to be dramatic.

William 0:09:04 No, it was. I was like—

Jordan 0:09:06 She thought, oh God, the last thing I need is 2 dramatic gays here screaming louder than me.

William 0:09:10 Excuse me. I think if you— I will— I took a photograph of the rocks. In fact, Mikey has got a— not at the time, this is the next day. Mikey has got a picture of him pointing to the rocks, which we potentially will put on our carousel. But it was very dramatic. She cut her legs. I mean, it really was serious. We were all— Shouting. So yeah, bad on you for laughing. We were all shouting, help!

Jordan 0:09:34 Help! Did you not go over and help her?

William 0:09:35 Yes, we did. I pulled her off the rocks.

Jordan 0:09:37 She was bloody.

William 0:09:38 Yes. She was fine. No broken bones. She was fine. We inquired about her a few days later. She was fine.

Jordan 0:09:43 She's American?

William 0:09:44 No, she was Greek.

Jordan 0:09:45 Oh.

William 0:09:46 We're a member of staff. But yeah, it was pretty dramatic. It could have been 1,000 times worse.

Jordan 0:09:52 Do you remember when I got run over on a bike by an Italian lady?

William 0:09:54 I'm sorry?

Jordan 0:09:56 You

William 0:09:56 got run over on a bike by an Italian lady. Is the nationality of the woman relevant?

Jordan 0:10:01 Yeah, because she— I assumed Italian because she— I was on a run, came out between 2 cars, and then she crashed into me. We both went flying. She'd come off and she just kept going, scemo, scemo, scemo! And I've worked out she was Italian from that. I assumed she was Italian, even though she was like from Barnsley and had a A head and woke up Italian. Oh, really? That happens, you

William 0:10:24 know. Does it?

Jordan 0:10:26 Okay. But there's a woman who had a— hit her head and then woke up with a Chinese accent.

William 0:10:32 Oh, I have seen that, yeah. It all goes on.

Jordan 0:10:34 Yeah.

William 0:10:35 You alright?

Jordan 0:10:36 Yeah, I'm good. I'm good. Whilst you were away, we had a game of 5-a-side.

William 0:10:40 Yes, I picked up on this, and I thought— I sort of thought, do I feel annoyed? I was like, no, 'cause I was on a sun lounger in Greece having a nice time, and also football.

Jordan 0:10:49 So, in preparation for Soccer Aid, that would've happened when this episode's gone out. Yeah. but whilst we're recording, it's happening this weekend. Producer Ben and I had a game of 5-a-side. Oh, lanky legs over here. He looked like someone—

William 0:11:02 Were you on the same team?

Jordan 0:11:03 He looked like someone from the 1980s. He had shorts up to his, like the shortest shorts I've ever seen. And it was like, 'cause it was, and no offence to anyone that played, 'cause I appreciate everyone, 'cause it was at 1 o'clock on a Monday, on a Tuesday. And obviously it was quite hard to get people together 'cause most people have proper jobs. So you can imagine at 1 o'clock, the reprobates that turned up. Like, and I mean this, and I owe him all the favour. Izzy's mate who's unemployed came. I met a lad in gym and then DM'd on Insta him and his brother turned up. They were like, honestly, they were, yeah. And Adam and James, my 2 mates who actually play football, they sorted out their side, but our side, we'd never met before. It was, yeah.

William 0:11:49 So you and Ben were on the same side?

Jordan 0:11:50 Have you got a new microphone in the new studio, Ben?

Ben 0:11:54 Same old microphone.

Jordan 0:11:56 So we had a game. What score was it?

Ben 0:11:58 It was like 9-7 in the end to them.

Jordan 0:12:01 Yeah, we— I

Ben 0:12:01 saw—

William 0:12:02 9-7?

Ben 0:12:03 Yeah, it was quite a lot.

William 0:12:04 Is that normal in 5-a-side?

Jordan 0:12:06 Yeah, that's pretty normal in 5-a-side.

Ben 0:12:08 Jordan was quite good actually.

Jordan 0:12:10 Do you think that?

Ben 0:12:11 Yeah.

Jordan 0:12:11 Yeah,

Ben 0:12:12 I think you'll struggle when you sort of compare yourself against Wayne Rooney, but, um, compared to me and compared to the other boys, I thought you did all right.

Jordan 0:12:19 There's a bit— there's a moment where me and Ben looked at each other, it's like something from a film. 'Cause we had to swap keepers and I just looked at him like, please let me go in net for 10 minutes.

William 0:12:27 Aw.

Jordan 0:12:28 I couldn't catch my breath, I was breathing out me arse.

Ben 0:12:30 You were good in goal as well.

Jordan 0:12:32 I was all right in there. Yeah, in net. That's what I wanted to do. I wanted to go in there, but Joe Marler took it.

Ben 0:12:36 Yeah.

Jordan 0:12:37 So,

Ben 0:12:37 um. Good with his hands.

Jordan 0:12:38 Yeah.

William 0:12:38 So have you been told what position you are?

Jordan 0:12:40 No, I, I'm a—

William 0:12:42 But how does Joe Marler know he's in the goal?

Jordan 0:12:44 'Cause he's keepers, goalies, he's a one.

William 0:12:47 All right.

Jordan 0:12:48 But I'm worried 'cause I'm missing the first day training 'cause I'm doing Toy Story stuff.

William 0:12:52 Yeah. Now that I'm a Toy Story star.

Jordan 0:12:55 Uh, so I'm gonna worry that I'm gonna turn up on the Friday and they're all gonna be a bit like, right, let's see what he's made of, and they're gonna pass it to me and it'll just go through my legs. But Ben, Ben wasn't a bad player.

William 0:13:09 Was he not? What position was he?

Jordan 0:13:10 Well, in 5-a-side, you're everywhere. He needs to work on his tracking, if I'm honest.

William 0:13:15 What's that?

Jordan 0:13:16 You didn't track, you didn't track your man back enough for my liking.

Ben 0:13:18 Wow.

Jordan 0:13:19 You were like, you were—

Ben 0:13:21 It was okay.

Jordan 0:13:22 You let your man go a bit.

Ben 0:13:24 Bearing in mind, the previous day, I ran a half marathon. So I realised this, and I was like, we're playing football.

William 0:13:31 Was this on your day off?

Ben 0:13:32 Yeah.

William 0:13:32 Yeah.

Jordan 0:13:33 Also, can I ask— and I've played 5-a-side a lot, right? Can I ask how I ended up in a shower?

William 0:13:41 I'm sorry.

Ben 0:13:42 Sorry?

Jordan 0:13:42 I ended up showering with the opposite team.

Ben 0:13:45 Why?

Jordan 0:13:45 Your

William 0:13:48 Honour.

Jordan 0:13:49 Genuine. So they were like, Um, so I said goodbye to you, Reece, as he was there, and then I went in to get a bag and he was in the changing rooms. They're all walking around bollocko and went, are you jumping in the shower, George? And I went, oh no, I'm just gonna, I'm just gonna go home. And they went, are you coming for a pint? I went, yeah, I will do. I said, I'll tell you what, I'll get you a pint for making efforts to come down. I appreciate it. I'm soaking cold out there, pitch out and that. Anyway, you're gonna get in shower? And I went, oh no, I'll be right, I'll just put some deodorant on. He went, you can't come pub and not have a shower. So I fucking end up jumping in with them all, and then I didn't have a towel, so I had to use one of theirs. It was all— yeah, it all just happened.

Ben 0:14:27 Sorry?

Jordan 0:14:28 Yeah, how did I end up in the shower with the opposite team?

William 0:14:31 If you do ever end up in therapy, there is even more to talk about now.

Jordan 0:14:35 It's just— it was— anyway, we went for—

Ben 0:14:37 Was it a shared shower?

Jordan 0:14:38 Yeah, it was like an open one.

Ben 0:14:40 God, it's like—

William 0:14:41 It was afterwards.

Jordan 0:14:42 All of that team were in there. Shut up.

Ben 0:14:45 They were proper footballers though.

Jordan 0:14:46 Yeah, they were proper fun. Like, they all play semi-pro and stuff.

William 0:14:49 So how are you feeling about soccer age?

Jordan 0:14:50 I'm shitting myself. Oh, really?

William 0:14:52 And is that a— now, soccer age, is it a proper like 90-minute match?

Jordan 0:14:55 I'm assuming I'm going to be a sub because they asked me what walk-on music I want.

William 0:14:59 I assume you will be.

Jordan 0:14:59 Yeah. So, but— a substitute. So that's—

Ben 0:15:06 I think if you come on as a sub, go for goal.

Jordan 0:15:10 Do you reckon?

Ben 0:15:11 That's my—

Jordan 0:15:12 Just go for goal?

William 0:15:13 As in switch with.

Ben 0:15:15 No, as in shoot. Okay. Go for your— like, go for your glory moment.

Jordan 0:15:20 Shoot?

Ben 0:15:21 Yeah.

Jordan 0:15:21 Okay. Thank you for playing, I appreciate it. Jack, you're dead to me.

Ben 0:15:25 Jack was—

Jordan 0:15:26 Waiting in for a delivery! What's that all about? We're meant to be mates. I'm

Speaker F 0:15:29 doing a house reno and you gave me like 2 days' notice.

Jordan 0:15:32 Well, it was at 1 o'clock on the thing.

Ben 0:15:34 Well,

William 0:15:35 and he has a job.

Jordan 0:15:35 I was stiff as a post the next day for 2 days.

Ben 0:15:39 In the shower?

Jordan 0:15:40 I was so stiff. I had to be—

William 0:15:43 Thinking of the showers.

Jordan 0:15:43 I had to be helped out the bath.

William 0:15:45 Right, who?

Jordan 0:15:46 Maureen next door, before you ask.

William 0:15:48 Okay.

Jordan 0:15:48 Yeah. Wow.

William 0:15:49 When I was younger. You really know her well.

Jordan 0:15:50 Yeah, I was honestly, I was in agony. Were you not, Ben? Yes! I was so sad.

William 0:15:55 How long did you play in 5-a-side?

Jordan 0:15:57 We played 50 minutes.

William 0:15:58 50 minutes? Yeah. Each half?

Jordan 0:16:00 No.

Ben 0:16:00 Just in total.

William 0:16:01 Oh, in total.

Jordan 0:16:01 Just in total. Okay, fine. So yeah. Talking about preparations.

William 0:16:04 Yes.

Jordan 0:16:05 How are you ready for Titanic?

William 0:16:08 My West End debut.

Jordan 0:16:09 Your West End debut. Well, no, technically it's not, 'cause you've been at the—

William 0:16:11 Well, it's been marketed as that, so we'll go with it. Oh! I— Well, I mean, look, we did 2 nights at the London Palladium. I'm doing 48 shows, so, you know.

Jordan 0:16:20 And you've not mentioned it. I cannot wait.

William 0:16:21 Excuse me! Excuse me!

Jordan 0:16:23 I cannot wait for you to be 4 weeks in, absolutely fucking knackered and arsey, and just— I just can't wait. Because I'm not gonna say— I'm just gonna give you a look that you do me. I'm just gonna go—

William 0:16:34 When you mentioned Toy Story 5, I said nothing just then.

Jordan 0:16:39 No, no, no, no. I am so proud of you, and the reaction you got was huge. But I'm just saying, I can't wait for you to be, to be 4 weeks in and like—

William 0:16:48 Well, you've got weeks to wait.

Jordan 0:16:49 I work a proper day. That's all I'm gonna say. You do work very hard, actually.

William 0:16:54 Thank you very much.

Ben 0:16:55 So you're doing 48 shows?

William 0:16:57 Yes.

Ben 0:16:58 That means that your final performance will be your 50th performance on the West End.

William 0:17:02 There we go. Yes.

Ben 0:17:04 That's quick maths.

William 0:17:04 Thank you very much. Cheers for that, Benj. No, I'm loving it. So at the time of recording, we are—

Jordan 0:17:09 That was a bit harsh, sorry.

William 0:17:10 Rachel Riley in the corner. At the time of recording, I've done 3 days of rehearsals.

Jordan 0:17:17 I

William 0:17:17 should actually be in rehearsals as we speak, but there are some other drama queens I needed to spend my day with. So here I am. And the cast are gorgeous. They are so lovely. You

Jordan 0:17:29 were slagging them all off 10 minutes ago.

William 0:17:30 Oh, shut up. No, I wasn't. But no, they're all lovely. They are being— What is interesting is, which I think is a compliment, is they are talking to me as if I have, like they have, done proper training. I have not done proper training in anything, basically. But they'll say, and then on the count of 4, we go to position 2. And I'm like, sorry, sorry, what does that mean? Or they go, and now you do a pas de bourrée and a tendu close. I'm like, mm-hmm, okay, yeah, I'll do that. That's fine. And I have absolutely no idea what they're talking about. And when watching the rehearsal videos— and no, you are not watching the rehearsal videos, 'cause I look ridiculous— I'm sort of like 2 beats behind everyone else. In many ways, I have become you on the tour in the dancing, in that there's lots of lovely dancing.

Jordan 0:18:11 I didn't wanna dance in the first place.

William 0:18:13 There's lots of lovely dancing going on, and then it's sort of— it's like on a bit of a delay with me. But it is great fun. It's a hilarious show. My sort of monologue breakdown thing that we did yesterday for the first time got a massive round of applause from the 4 people that were sitting in the audience. And I'm very excited for everyone to come and see.

Jordan 0:18:32 Okay.

William 0:18:33 So yeah, I am enjoying it. But in other news, in other more exciting news— I don't want to make this all about me. But as you might have seen on social media, I've written a novel.

Jordan 0:18:45 You have?

William 0:18:46 And my novel, it's out next year, so don't stand outside Waterstones just yet. But you can pre-order it now if you so wish. I've written a murder mystery.

Jordan 0:18:54 What's it called?

William 0:18:55 It's called A Fatal Forking.

Jordan 0:18:56 A fatal fork?

William 0:18:58 Not a foetal forking.

Jordan 0:19:00 A fatal forking.

William 0:19:01 A fatal forking. It's, you know, cosy crime is quite popular. Always has been. Agatha Christie, etc. I am moving the genre on, and I'm doing camp crime.

Jordan 0:19:10 Is it camp?

William 0:19:10 It's campish, yes.

Jordan 0:19:12 Can I get to have a preview?

William 0:19:14 You can. Tell you what, you can have a proof copy. They'll be ready in about a month.

Jordan 0:19:17 I'll read it, and then do you want me to give you a little— I mean, you're too big for me now. I remember back in the day when I used to be on the back of your books. But now—

William 0:19:24 Well, you were on The Bluffer's Guide to Entertaining.

Jordan 0:19:26 Yeah.

William 0:19:26 Yeah.

Jordan 0:19:27 Now you don't wanna know me. I will. I used to have read that, if you blurred me and Eamon Holmes. We're doing alright for ourselves.

William 0:19:34 Look at you now.

Jordan 0:19:35 Look at us both now.

William 0:19:36 Neither on This Morning.

Jordan 0:19:41 But I'll read it, yeah. Oh, thanks. Do you want me to give you a—

William 0:19:50 I would— no, 'cause you do read fiction.

Jordan 0:19:52 It's too big for me now. I do read fiction.

William 0:19:55 Yeah, you do read fiction. So I genuinely would be interested in your— take on it. And it's too late to change it if you don't like it. But anyway.

Jordan 0:20:03 It sounds fun.

William 0:20:04 It is. It's a fun read.

Jordan 0:20:06 A Fatal Forking. I thought it was going to be called something else.

William 0:20:08 Originally it was called something else, yes. I was told it was one word too long.

Jordan 0:20:12 So we've gone with A Fatal Forking. Listen to producers and publishers.

William 0:20:16 Well, I think publishers do actually know what they're talking about.

Jordan 0:20:18 Fight back! Stand your ground! No. It's your creative freedom.

William 0:20:22 I like A Fatal Forking, because it's getting— every time I announce it, it's getting it to friends and family. It gets a little titter.

Jordan 0:20:28 That is quite good, actually.

William 0:20:30 It's about an etiquette coach who gets framed for murder. I have absolutely no idea where I got the idea from. Anything else going on in your life?

Jordan 0:20:36 Oh, God, yeah.

William 0:20:38 By the way, I've not been framed for murder. I just wanted to point that out. I've not been involved in any murder.

Jordan 0:20:42 I'm going to Amsterdam on Friday.

William 0:20:45 Oh, you!

Jordan 0:20:45 Do you know why I'm going to Amsterdam on a Friday? 'Cause I've only ever been when I went on Rick's Zagdo.

William 0:20:50 On a Monday, right.

Jordan 0:20:50 When I first recorded the first ever episode of this. the week, the Monday after.

William 0:20:54 And you were pissed.

Jordan 0:20:55 And I always remember at the time thinking, this is a beautiful city, there's a lot going on, but I was just in and out of pubs and certain establishments pissed.

William 0:21:05 Certain windows.

Jordan 0:21:06 Shit fit. I never can't remember much going down that way.

William 0:21:08 No, I'm sure now, 8 years later, you'll have a very different experience.

Jordan 0:21:11 So I'm gonna go and enjoy it. And

William 0:21:14 it is generally— I, I— Amsterdam, I think, gets slightly besmirched because your average person thinks of that side of Amsterdam. And yeah, that all goes on. But you— it is perfectly possible to be in Amsterdam—

Jordan 0:21:25 It's like a red light district in the studio, isn't it, actually? Christ. Get you in a window.

William 0:21:29 It is perfectly possible to go to Amsterdam and not see any of that. And it is a beautiful city. The Dutch are great. I've always said it. If Britain got bombed or destroyed or, you know, disappeared, I would go and live in the Netherlands.

Jordan 0:21:43 Have they got a good sense of humour, the Dutch?

William 0:21:44 Oh yeah. Yeah,

Jordan 0:21:46 you'd have to, to wear them fucking clogs, wouldn't you? To be fair.

William 0:21:50 Yes.

Jordan 0:21:51 Yeah,

William 0:21:52 uh, you'll have a lovely time. I can give you some nice recommendations.

Jordan 0:21:55 Thank you. Yes, we're going waffle making on Saturday.

William 0:21:58 Waffle making?

Jordan 0:22:00 Yeah, don't ask. I just— me, I like to wander about, go and get a coffee, read me book, have a wander, find a pub, go back, maybe swimming pool if it's in Waffle making.

William 0:22:14 Yeah, that sounds a bit shit, I'll be honest. I'm on your side.

Jordan 0:22:18 And I'm glad I put it in the WhatsApp group because there's a few mates going as well. Are we allowed to eat the waffles after? Um, let me check. Let me fucking check. I'm not eating that waffle.

William 0:22:26 Yeah, I was gonna say.

Jordan 0:22:27 Waffle making.

William 0:22:30 No.

Jordan 0:22:30 I work long hours. Like, I want to be waffle making on a Saturday morning, 11 o'clock. Waffle making.

William 0:22:36 To be fair, Monday to Friday it's, it's waffle, waffle, waffle.

Jordan 0:22:39 Exactly, I waffle enough.

William 0:22:40 Yeah. You don't wanna do it on the weekends.

Jordan 0:22:42 I don't wanna waffle at the weekend. There's certain people listening that like to do little organised fun and stuff. Last time I went to Greece, we booked the paddleboards. I was bored after 20 minutes. I was like, great, yeah, I've done it.

William 0:22:58 Anyway. Well, look, the studio is not the only thing that's new on Help I Sexed My Boss. We thought it was time to introduce a new feature. Now, before we get a flurry of complaints, this doesn't mean to say that we are getting rid of Jordan's Jolly Joke of the Week, sadly. Bloody right too. Or William's Etymology. We are just going to put a third one into the mix to spice things up a bit, because, you know, when things get a bit tired, you often introduce a third. So, Jordan, would you like to reveal the name?

Jordan 0:23:24 Yeah, if you came to one of our tour shows, you might have seen us play a version of this on stage with our wonderful Gene Divas on stage. So it's our newest feature called Sweet Little Lies. Cue the jingle. We've got a jingle!

Speaker G 0:23:37 3 tall tales you won't believe. 2 are pure delight. I love it.

Jordan 0:23:48 Who was that?

Speaker G 0:23:51 Cha-cha-cha. Ah!

Jordan 0:23:52 Ah! Who's that?

William 0:23:55 That's lovely Steven. Let's have it one more time. Steven, get out.

Jordan 0:23:58 You're not on stage now.

Speaker G 0:24:07 Which one can it be? Just tell those sweet little lies to me. Cha-cha-cha!

Jordan 0:24:14 Ah, great. We're buzzing for this. I wasn't sulking at the start of the episode or anything regarding it, so. You know me, I'm not one to— I embrace change.

William 0:24:23 Yes. Yes. So, here is how this works. Jordan— sorry. Jordan, Ben, and I— fuck's sake. We'll each read a statement about ourselves. We'll all be trying to persuade each other that our statements are true, but 2 of us will be lying through our teeth. So

Jordan 0:24:39 it's like that BBC One show?

William 0:24:41 Yes.

Jordan 0:24:41 Yes.

William 0:24:42 It's then up to the 3 of us to decide who is telling the truth and which have been telling sweet little lies. Jordan, you'll go first. We'll read our statements, and then after the break, we'll put it to a debate.

Jordan 0:24:54 Alright, I'll go first. As a child, I won an egg and spoon race at school whilst wearing my shoes the wrong way round.

William 0:25:02 Can't even say it. I was once going to be the new Kimonagi

Ben 0:25:09 I stepped in dog poo this morning.

Jordan 0:25:11 Join us after the break to find out who's been telling some sweet little lies.

Jordan 0:28:54 Arizona. Alright, Gene Divas, welcome back. Before the break, we were playing our newest feature, Sweet Little Lies. Don't worry, Jordan's Jolly Joke of the Week and William's Etiquette-ymology of the Week are gonna be back as well.

William 0:29:07 I've got a good one for you next week as well.

Jordan 0:29:09 Oh, no, we're not doing it next week. It's every 3 weeks.

William 0:29:11 No, I've got a good Etiquette-ymology.

Jordan 0:29:14 Oh, is it not a Jolly Joke? 'Cause I've got some crackers.

William 0:29:16 Not anymore.

Jordan 0:29:16 What do you mean, not anymore?

William 0:29:17 Just decided it.

Jordan 0:29:19 3 statements, 2 lies, 1 truth. We've gotta figure out who's been telling sweet little lies. William, remind us of our statements,

William 0:29:25 Mine was, I was once going to be the new Kim and Aggie for TV.

Jordan 0:29:28 Mine was, as a child, I won an egg and spoon race at school by wearing my shoes the wrong way. I can't say wrong way round. Wrong way round.

William 0:29:35 And Ben?

Ben 0:29:36 I stepped in dog poo this morning.

William 0:29:38 So tell us about the dog. Was it in the shoes that you're wearing now?

Ben 0:29:40 No, it was in my boots that I go for a walk with Diego every morning.

William 0:29:44 Oh, I see. Was it Diego's poo?

Ben 0:29:46 It wasn't Diego's poo. It was left along the path on the way to the dog walk that I do around Hackney Downs Park.

William 0:29:53 Okay, now I can tell that he's lying. Do you know how I can tell?

Jordan 0:29:57 Why?

William 0:29:57 Because of how his eyes went. So, when— are you right or left-handed?

Ben 0:30:01 I'm right-handed.

William 0:30:03 Yes, I thought you were.

Ben 0:30:03 What are you talking about?

William 0:30:05 So, when someone's eyes go— if they're right-handed, go to the left, so their left, so the right as I look at Ben, but their left, you're accessing your imagination, which is in the left-hand part of your brain. Whereas when they go to the right, you're going to the recall. So, So, Jordan, egg and spoon race sounds very posh for your sort of school, if I'm honest.

Jordan 0:30:23 We did that every summer.

William 0:30:24 Did you? And was it a proper egg? What sort of spoon was it? Plastic, presumably?

Jordan 0:30:28 Yeah, we always had those rubber ones.

William 0:30:29 Yeah, exactly. And you won it. You managed to not only compete in it, but you won in it wearing shoes the wrong way round. Is that even possible? I feel that's a fun social media video we should do at some point, is try and get Jordan to do an egg and spoon race.

Jordan 0:30:42 I often had my shoes on the wrong way round. wrong way round.

William 0:30:45 You were how old at this point?

Jordan 0:30:46 7, maybe 8.

William 0:30:48 Okay, fine.

Ben 0:30:49 Who came second?

Jordan 0:30:50 I don't know, bloody 8.

William 0:30:52 Can't even remember who was this head boy.

Jordan 0:30:54 Shoes on wrong way round. I just remember having them on wrong way round and winning it. Kind of helped me, you know, like cyclists have those helmets that come right down now. Yeah, pointy ones. I think it helps me for aerodynamic reasons, having them on the wrong Well, I actually know the answer to this one. I know who's telling the truth. He's forgot about this. What? It's you. How do you know that? I was at one of your dinner soirées in Manchester and we'd just finished dessert.

William 0:31:23 Oh God, okay.

Jordan 0:31:24 And you declared to the table, I'm going to be a TV star.

William 0:31:27 Excuse me, I don't think I would ever have said that.

Jordan 0:31:30 And you made me and Lucas and Daryl, and I think Mikey was there at the time, I think Stu—

William 0:31:34 No, I don't think it was Mikey.

Jordan 0:31:36 And you made us watch the full 27 minutes of your pilot. You went, I'm going to be ITV's biggest name. The Spring Cleaners,

William 0:31:42 That's what it was called.

Jordan 0:31:43 That was called, I remember it, yes. So there.

William 0:31:46 I used to have that, I don't have it anymore, so we cannot find it, and it's probably very illegal if I shared it, so.

Jordan 0:31:50 I do remember that. Did you really step in dog poo?

Ben 0:31:52 No, that was a lie.

Jordan 0:31:54 Oh, okay.

Ben 0:31:54 Not today.

William 0:31:55 And did you really do an egg and spoon race with 2 shoes around the wrong way around?

Jordan 0:31:58 No, I never would, I hate to—

William 0:31:59 It's very Jordan code, isn't it?

Jordan 0:32:00 I'd hate to sportswear, but I did used to get my shoes on the wrong way around a lot as a child.

William 0:32:04 Okay, well, that's good to know.

Jordan 0:32:06 Now it's time for us to help you with your modern-day dilemmas.

William 0:32:09 Remember, we have no idea what is coming up. This is from Dan. Whilst doing the laundry, I found a receipt for a sauna in my fiancée's pocket. I genuinely thought Chariots was some new Roman theatre production, but my friends quickly informed me that it is in fact a well-renowned sex establishment. Now, I have been told you can simply pop in for a coffee and cake, or perhaps a quick workout. However, I'm fairly certain more than a workout was taking place, mainly because neither of us could reasonably be described as gym fit, and I'm sure there are far better slices of cake elsewhere.

Jordan 0:32:36 I think I used to live near there. Is it Paddington? It's got like Greek— I've never been in, but—

William 0:32:42 Oh, I think I know where you mean.

Jordan 0:32:43 Yeah, didn't— where that flat you can see— Yeah,

William 0:32:46 yeah, it was lovely on the inside.

Jordan 0:32:47 Yeah, it is, isn't it? Anyway, go on.

William 0:32:50 I'm completely unsure how to approach this. One part of me wants to place his cloner willy in there and see who recognises it, although I do appreciate that this may not be the healthiest way to handle the situation. I genuinely don't know how to open this conversation up and would really appreciate your collective wisdom on the matter. Well, there we go.

Jordan 0:33:07 Ooh, I think you need to just, yeah, say, look, found. Because if you let that one fester, it's going to bug you and bug you.

William 0:33:14 Yeah.

Jordan 0:33:14 It's festering.

William 0:33:15 If you're not being honest with each other, then it's not, it's not going to work.

Jordan 0:33:18 No.

William 0:33:18 So, I think you do need to talk.

Jordan 0:33:21 Yes, I agree.

William 0:33:22 Just literally sit them down and go, I want to talk about this.

Jordan 0:33:24 Yes.

William 0:33:25 I want you to respect, you know, I might say something that upsets, but forgive me, my insecurities are talking. and lay it all out.

Jordan 0:33:34 And there might be a reasonable— he might be like, oh yeah, totally. I go all the time.

William 0:33:37 Chariots. I don't know. They could have been buying something. They could have literally been buying a chariot. You never know. We all need them. Yeah? This is from anonymous. To the best solution sluts I and the world have ever known.

Jordan 0:33:51 Yeah, boy!

William 0:33:52 A quandary comes in in the form of embarrassment. One Saturday afternoon, after the wife told me I needed to be a bit more spontaneous, in the bedroom, I decided to go down to my local fancy dress shop. Oh god. The wife always had a thing for David Tennant as Doctor Who.

Jordan 0:34:05 I interviewed him this week.

William 0:34:06 Did you?

Jordan 0:34:06 No, it was last, actually. He's good.

William 0:34:08 So I purchased a costume to look like David Tennant. The costume came with a sonic screwdriver included. I just know where this is going. I drove home, and upon pulling up into our road, I popped the costume on, knocked on the front door, and she answered the door to me saying, permission for Doctor Who to take a ride in your TARDIS?

Jordan 0:34:25 Class.

William 0:34:26 Ignoring her frantic waving, I kept on talking Completely unaware that her mum and dad were in the living room and could hear everything. Her mum saw the funny side, and after an hour of making me feel awkward, said to my father-in-law, come on, let's go. Something tells me he didn't know we were coming over for a bit today.

Jordan 0:34:41 I would've styled it out.

William 0:34:42 So my dilemma is, how do you make amends to my father-in-law? I've clearly scarred him for life. We used to get on, but now it's just awkward pleasantries. How do I go about rekindling that former son-in-law, father-in-law bond? Anonymous.

Jordan 0:34:55 I mean, you know, there's worse sex costumes.

William 0:35:00 Take your father— I'm gonna sound like you. Take him out to a pub. Take him out for a drink. Have a bonding time. No, no, don't talk about it.

Jordan 0:35:07 I was gonna say, don't say sex costumes.

William 0:35:08 We're British, for God's sake. We're not gonna talk about—

Jordan 0:35:10 Dragging your daughter as Doctor Who.

William 0:35:11 No, but just take him out and sort of spend some quality time with him.

Jordan 0:35:14 Yeah, just don't worry about it. Look, it all goes on. And he—

William 0:35:19 He should, like, come on, you're together.

Jordan 0:35:20 And you're— that's your wife's Daddy doesn't even think about that when it comes to that.

William 0:35:26 And it was unpleasant. Time is a great healer.

Jordan 0:35:29 No, Dad does. Yeah, but I also— there's a— now I won't hear a bad word said about David Tennant. He's one of my favourite guests on Doctor Who as well.

William 0:35:40 Would a David Tennant costume do it for you?

Jordan 0:35:41 No, surely there's something. But each to their own, who am I to judge?

William 0:35:44 What fancy dress character do you think is sexy?

Jordan 0:35:46 If you came as Sean Dyche, I'd absolutely smash your back doors in.

William 0:35:51 You came as Shawn Mendes, I'd smash yours in. Then you'd be needing stitches.

Jordan 0:35:56 That was a joke! Oh god.

William 0:35:58 Really? I'm off to find a Shawn Dyche costume.

Jordan 0:36:01 I just talked all over your joke that we've heard many a time before.

William 0:36:05 It's fine, it's fine. Our next dilemma is from Charlotte. Dear William and Jordan, I'm getting married next August. It's a small wedding with just 12 close family members and friends invited. Is it common for me to write a list of rules for guests? If so, how do I tell guests that talking with food in their mouths will not be tolerated, and I shall not not be held responsible for my actions if I witness anyone doing so. I think it is the most disgusting habit, but something that unfortunately several of the guests invited do. I fear I may not be able to stop myself from punching anyone I see doing such a disgusting act on my special day. I feel physically sick even thinking about it. Not inviting these people is unfortunately not an option, as one is my partner's mother. Thank you in advance. Long time June Diva, Charlotte.

Jordan 0:36:45 I mean, Charlotte, you're lucky to get 12 close family members at your wedding. Bloody hell. Yeah. It's a

William 0:36:51 bit— What could you not do that?

Jordan 0:36:53 No, I'm saying you'd want to go to a wedding.

William 0:36:56 What?

Jordan 0:36:57 It's a bit harsh, innit?

William 0:36:59 Well, I would say, I mean, and look, maybe Charlotte, you can't, you know, for various—

Jordan 0:37:03 Sounds like you've got Mr. Mimolphia or whatever it's called.

William 0:37:06 Misophonia.

Jordan 0:37:06 Misophonia, Charlotte. You should go to doctor for that because I knew a mate—

William 0:37:09 Misophonia, she was one of my teachers at school.

Jordan 0:37:11 Um, Charlotte, you should go. Honestly, this sounds like it's— because nobody likes when people talk with their mouth full, but the fact that you feel sick, genuinely, I, I'd go to doctors about that because if it's— Earplugs, maybe? No, no, no, no, no.

William 0:37:22 'Cause— Style your hair, please.

Jordan 0:37:23 It sounds like you're in your head a bit about it, my love. So I definitely got doctor's appointment.

William 0:37:26 It is disgusting hearing people eat.

Jordan 0:37:28 No, she's not. It's more people talking with their mouth open.

William 0:37:31 Well, yeah, but okay, well, hearing them eat slash—

Jordan 0:37:33 Talking with their mouth open.

William 0:37:33 Yeah, but they shouldn't be doing that. But this is where potentially, money aside, you have a bigger wedding, because then that sort of dilutes the awareness.

Jordan 0:37:41 I don't think you can send rules, can you? Etiquette expert?

William 0:37:44 I wouldn't say you can.

Jordan 0:37:45 You didn't, did you? No, I didn't.

William 0:37:46 I mean, I told people what to wear, but I didn't.

Jordan 0:37:48 You have many rules. Here we go, Charlotte.

William 0:37:51 Hire me, I'll go around.

Jordan 0:37:52 Do you know what, it is your special day. You get your fiancé, soon-to-be husband, just to send a text to remind everyone. Just say, hey, really looking forward to you coming. Just let you know Charlotte is, lol, a bit extra when it comes to people talking with their mouths full. Can you just make sure you don't do it? It's something that we're trying to work on together as a couple. She really doesn't like it, makes her feel sick, so you can just bear that in mind. Get the husband to— Jobs are good, innit? Get the husband to take one for the team. That's what I'd do.

William 0:38:19 This next dilemma is from Liv. Hello, William, Jordan, EPB, and the whole crew. Just like William and Jordan, I have recently hired our first gardener. He's a lovely, cheery person and does an incredible job in the garden, but he's the biggest yapper. Ah! I work from home and he comes every 6 weeks for 3 hours. When he arrives, he spends 10 minutes telling me about his week and other jobs he's been doing, which is interesting to hear about, and if that was the only chat we had, that would be fine. Whilst he's doing the work, he'll pop in to ask me various questions, which I appreciate him double-checking what work needs to be done, But every time he does this, he will then go on another 10-minute tangent about something else. He always gets the job done in the end, but all the chatter interrupts my workday. I'm too polite to tell him I need to get back to work, so I just end up standing in the kitchen smiling and nodding at his anecdotes, wishing I could get back to being productive. He's even aware he does it, as halfway through the conversation he'll say, oh, sorry, I'm blabbering on, and then will continue to tell me another story. We've only had him come over twice so far, and now I'm dreading the next session as it's so disruptive to my day. I have to be home to let him in as we don't have The introvert part of me just wants to hire someone else, but I'm not really sure what to do. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you, Liv.

Jordan 0:39:27 That would be annoying if they're in and out.

William 0:39:28 Yeah.

Jordan 0:39:29 I think you might have to hire someone else. Poor bloke, he sounds like a lovely fellow. Or could you go up to your room whilst he's in for 3 hours? Could you have a desk upstairs so he can't come up?

William 0:39:36 I think you just have to say in advance, you do your 10-minute chat, which is fine. I think you have no problems with that. That's what you've said. And then you just go, I've got lots of calls today. If you need any questions answering, text me. And then you bury yourself away in your spare bedroom or your office, wherever it is.

Jordan 0:39:51 Yeah. Or just say, if you need anything, just text me.

William 0:39:53 I've popped the tea and coffee out on the side. Help yourself.

Jordan 0:39:56 Hopefully he'll get the hint. And if he doesn't get the hint after this next one, then maybe go on to someone else. Yeah, totally.

William 0:40:01 That's some advice. We'll finish with this dilemma from Chloe. Hey, Dilemma Daddies, I have trouble sleeping.

Jordan 0:40:06 Yeah, Daddy. Hey, Daddy. What the hell even is that? Daddy, chill.

William 0:40:12 I have trouble sleeping as my busy brain doesn't like the silence, so after I've listened to your latest episodes, I'll then use them with a sleep timer to fall asleep like white noise. William's voice is especially soothing. In last Tuesday's episode, Jordan announced that Alexa played a certain song, which my Alexa device in my bedroom picked up on and did as instructed and scared the living shit out of the entire household. What was it? Safe to say it took a while to fall back asleep, and after that, I know not to use that episode in future. So what should you do when your favourite podcast and bedtime sleeping companion starts scaring you in the middle of the night? Lots of love, Chloe. Alexa, play Alicia Dixon, The Boy Does Nothing. Thank me later.

Jordan 0:40:50 Don't be horrible! People will be listening.

William 0:40:52 That's a nice song!

Jordan 0:40:53 Yes, but people will be listening. Alexa, switch off! People will be listening to this in bed.

William 0:40:57 Jordan, switch off! Oh, good God, 8 years that's taken.

Jordan 0:41:03 If only. Many people listen to us in bed. A few people said, oh, are you on in bed every night? And stuff like that. Uh, so sorry about that, Chloe. Yeah.

William 0:41:11 Yeah, soz. But yeah, you could— I don't know if there's a way to delete that download.

Jordan 0:41:14 Alexa, play Slipknot! No, I'm joking. Alexa, stop. Don't, don't, don't. Alexa, stop. Alexa, stop. Because that's not funny if you're in bed now.

William 0:41:23 No.

Jordan 0:41:24 Do you know who Slipknot are?

William 0:41:25 Slipknot? Yeah. No.

Jordan 0:41:27 In my school, you were either a skater, a townie, or a mosher. And all moshers loved Slipknot. I don't think anyone likes Slipknot. Um, and they listened to all Slipknot. I was a

William 0:41:38 Were you?

Jordan 0:41:39 Yeah, brother's a townie, he had rockports, which we've talked about before.

William 0:41:43 You've lost me now.

Jordan 0:41:45 Did you not have that in your school?

William 0:41:46 Funnily enough, no. You're either a deck shoe or you wore a nice sort of espadrille or occasionally a brogue.

Jordan 0:41:53 Okay, well, thank you so much for your questions, Dan. It's lovely to be back and in our new studio.

William 0:42:00 Yes, indeed. It's lovely to be back in your company, Jordan.

Jordan 0:42:02 Uh, oh, bless you. Thank you. Remember, if you need our help with something, then get in touch. You can send your tales of trepidation to help@sexandmyboss.com. You can DM us, we're @sexandmyboss on the socials, or you can write to William, who in the fullness of time promises a handwritten reply on one of our luxury greeting cards of executive self-seal envelopes. The address is on the website, sexandmyboss.com. And remember as well, you can listen to new episodes every Tuesday and Friday and 24 hours before anywhere else on Global Player, and you can even watch us on YouTube as well. We put the full episodes up on every release date Just head to YouTube and search for Sex Ed. Goodbye.