Help I Sexted Toni And Ryan! | With Titanic Reenactments

Jordan 0:00:05 Hello and welcome to Help I Sex with My Boss with Tony and Ryan, all the way from Australia. Yes, very special guests that we're gonna get into.

William 0:00:16 What a crossover.

Jordan 0:00:17 This is a podcast where we help you navigate the challenges of modern life, answering 21st century questions and finding solutions to everyday dilemmas. What is Tony and Ryan all about, please, guys, for our wonderful GND-ers? Well, we actually

Ryan 0:00:29 started as a demo for Tony to get a radio job. So, I just said I would like pretend to be her co-host.

William 0:00:36 Okay.

Ryan 0:00:36 So, we could send the MP3 out and we just put the demo on TikTok. People said, where's the podcast? We're like, should we make a podcast? So, we did. Luckily, Tony hasn't got a radio job yet. And that the— in terms of what's the show about, it's really just whatever you would do on your morning show.

Jordan 0:00:52 Yeah.

Ryan 0:00:53 And us trying to make Tony look good to maybe work with you one day.

Toni 0:00:56 Yeah, I'd love a job.

Jordan 0:00:57 Yeah. Do you do— so, do you do your podcast every day then?

Toni 0:01:00 We do. Yeah. So, daily episodes and we just talk shit. Pretty

Ryan 0:01:04 much. Yeah. Day-to-day life, I feel like we talk about.

Jordan 0:01:07 Would you like to do this? We met a while ago as well, didn't we?

William 0:01:08 We did, yes. Back, back then, uh, Jordan worked on— well, you weren't even working, you were on work experience for the BBC.

Toni 0:01:14 Oh.

William 0:01:15 And I was booked as a guest to talk about something upmarket, and Jordan was there to sort of chaperone me into the studio, and he made me laugh, I made him laugh, and, um, look at us now. That's beautiful. 14 years ago.

Toni 0:01:28 And old people bringing us up, isn't that lovely?

Jordan 0:01:30 Yes, exactly. But I don't think we, we could do this every day. I couldn't I could. Could you?

William 0:01:37 Yeah.

Jordan 0:01:38 How would you do it every day? What— how long is each episode roughly?

Toni 0:01:40 Like 30 to 40 minutes.

Ryan 0:01:42 Yeah. Once you've done a breakfast show like you have, like, this is easy. Yeah, we pretend it's hard, but it's like, you know.

Toni 0:01:48 But it's also fun because we love each other, etc.

William 0:01:50 Yeah. Yeah.

Ryan 0:01:51 Also, I think that's just the pin-up story because everyone goes to do work experience and goes, oh, what if I just met someone and it works out and goes forever? And you guys are doing that, which is crazy. So, everyone who now does work experience anyway is expecting to find their William.

William 0:02:04 Oh.

Ryan 0:02:05 Just like I found my Tony.

Jordan 0:02:07 You found your Tony. Did you two know each other before?

Ryan 0:02:09 No.

Toni 0:02:10 Not really.

William 0:02:10 How did you meet?

Ryan 0:02:11 Uh, we worked at the same station. Tony was the audio producer. I just, I just got a job there and we just met.

William 0:02:17 And what were your first impressions of each other?

Toni 0:02:19 Um, well, I met Ryan and he was like, how you going? And I was like, oh, I'm okay, but I've got a huge pimple on my pussy right now.

Ryan 0:02:27 Yeah, because we had to pile into the back of this small car because it was

Toni 0:02:30 in the back of a Volkswagen

Ryan 0:02:32 Golf.

Toni 0:02:32 Yeah.

Ryan 0:02:33 And I kind of—

Toni 0:02:33 Why had you brought your She comes everywhere. Oh, and doesn't she? Um, and we got into the back of this Volkswagen Golf and I moved my leg over and it popped. And I was like, you guys, oh my God,

Ryan 0:02:47 because

Toni 0:02:47 the pussy pimples popped.

Ryan 0:02:49 Yeah. Oh, and I'm like, what? And she goes,

Toni 0:02:52 yeah, yeah, it's over.

William 0:02:53 It's like being in Carry On Home and Away, isn't it?

Ryan 0:02:57 It was, it was after a breakfast show, then we went to the pub to have a drink at like 10:30 in the morning and we left at 11 PM? Yeah. Yeah.

Toni 0:03:06 Really, like jugs and jugs of sangria.

William 0:03:09 Well, talking of alcohol, because I certainly need a drink after listening to that, we are going to—

Ryan 0:03:16 If you need to have a drink after that, by the end of this episode, we might need to wheel you out.

William 0:03:19 Okay, fine.

Toni 0:03:20 No, no. You're gonna be dead.

William 0:03:21 Aspiration. Have you ever tried a gin and Dubonnet?

Toni 0:03:24 No, I haven't.

William 0:03:25 You've presumably tried gin.

Toni 0:03:27 Yes.

Ryan 0:03:27 Yeah.

William 0:03:27 Have you tried Dubonnet on its own?

Toni 0:03:29 No, I don't know what Dubonnet is.

William 0:03:30 Okay, well, as you can see—

Toni 0:03:32 Is it vermouth?

William 0:03:32 It's not vermouth, no. It's like a lighter port.

Ryan 0:03:35 Oh!

William 0:03:35 Okay, it's a secret recipe. It was invented in the early 1900s by Joseph Dubonnet, who was a French chemist, to help sort of the French army get their quinine intake up. You are meant to drink it just on its own, but the late Queen Mother, and indeed the late Queen, mixed it with gin. And we have it with ice, sometimes a slice of lemon. And it's 2 parts Dubonnet to 1 part gin.

Jordan 0:03:57 I just did 2 and 2. Is that all the ice we've got for our Aussie guests?

William 0:04:00 Yes, I don't quite know what happened to the ice. It was—

Ryan 0:04:03 It was good. It's a lot— Worse than it was like 5 minutes ago. I feel like it's really—

Toni 0:04:07 No, I think it looks perfect. Yeah, I don't like to complain.

Ryan 0:04:09 I love a Negroni, and I feel like this might be like a cousin of a Negroni or something.

William 0:04:13 It is similar.

Ryan 0:04:14 Yeah.

Toni 0:04:15 Oh, so is this quite tart?

William 0:04:17 It is, but not as tart as— not as— I think Negroni is acid. I can't do a Negroni.

Toni 0:04:21 Oh, me either. I don't like the Campari.

Jordan 0:04:23 Oh, do you not?

William 0:04:24 What's your favourite drink then?

Toni 0:04:26 Um, I do really like a gin and tonic. Good. And I also am a Slut for an espresso martini.

Jordan 0:04:31 Yes.

William 0:04:32 How about just a proper martini? Because I would say an espresso martini is not a martini.

Toni 0:04:36 It's not a martini. No, that's fair. I like a dirty martini with the olive brine.

William 0:04:40 I knew you'd like it dirty.

Toni 0:04:42 Thank you.

William 0:04:42 Something about our conversation told me that.

Toni 0:04:45 And I— Ryan and I were talking about that on our show, on Tony and Ryan, recently, and I said, I like a dirty martini with the olive brine. He goes, oh, and sometimes don't they also put the juice of the olive in? I said, That's the brine. And he said, no, no, no, no, no, the juice from the jar. I said, yeah, that's what the brine is. So, we all learn about brine.

Ryan 0:05:04 I love that other people got to learn it without 1.5 million people laughing at them on the internet, though. That would be nice.

Toni 0:05:10 Yeah, because I think it's pretty common knowledge.

William 0:05:12 Well, shall we—

Ryan 0:05:14 Shall we toast?

William 0:05:15 We do a toast. We do a toast.

Toni 0:05:17 I love a toast. I haven't eaten all day.

William 0:05:19 I think we toast the Commonwealth.

Jordan 0:05:20 To the Commonwealth. To the Commonwealth. We're not allowed to clink, though.

Ryan 0:05:25 Oh, no clinking.

Toni 0:05:26 I'll clink you.

Jordan 0:05:29 Oh! Oh, I'll clink to you.

Toni 0:05:30 Start the car.

Jordan 0:05:31 He doesn't like clinking.

William 0:05:33 He thinks it's— Very, very common.

Jordan 0:05:34 It's because, yeah.

Toni 0:05:36 Look at me. I'm clinking, doll.

William 0:05:38 No, no, no. Now, let's go back to martinis, because that's my one.

Toni 0:05:41 Oh, that is delicious!

William 0:05:43 Do you like it?

Ryan 0:05:43 Yeah.

Jordan 0:05:44 It's got a kick, hasn't it?

William 0:05:45 Yeah, but it's a slow drink.

Ryan 0:05:46 It's very there.

Jordan 0:05:47 Oh, I guess you're like a giddy drunk as well. I guess you like it.

William 0:05:50 It's very there.

Ryan 0:05:51 My favourite kind.

Toni 0:05:52 That wouldn't be nice without the ice. Like, if that was warm, that would just be yucky town.

William 0:05:56 Some days they make us do it without the ice. Yeah.

Ryan 0:05:59 Well, we're in show business, so…

Toni 0:06:00 Are you okay?

William 0:06:01 No, it's fine. I just— it's really not very nice without the ice. Try it when you— and if you're still here in London, there is— I can point you in the right direction to restaurants and hotels that serve it. Please. Not everyone does. But get them to put a slice of lemon or orange in it as well.

Toni 0:06:17 Oh, orange would be nice. You like a blood orange, don't you?

Ryan 0:06:20 A blood orange in a Negroni is like delicious.

William 0:06:22 Gosh, you don't care, do you?

Toni 0:06:24 Wild. Oh, crazy boy.

Ryan 0:06:26 I thought I did. I do care deeply about blood oranges, but—

William 0:06:30 Okay.

Ryan 0:06:30 Now I feel the shame.

Toni 0:06:31 What do you think?

William 0:06:32 No, don't feel shame.

Toni 0:06:33 What do you think is your favourite fruit?

William 0:06:34 Jordan North. No, I—

Jordan 0:06:39 Very good.

Ryan 0:06:40 That was good.

Jordan 0:06:41 He's quick.

Toni 0:06:42 Yeah, I took you right there as well.

William 0:06:44 I quite like pineapple.

Toni 0:06:47 That is a poor person's fruit.

William 0:06:52 Well, maybe in Australia, madam, but not in Britain.

Toni 0:06:55 Oh, I thought you'd like a fancy fruit, like a cherry or— not an apple.

Jordan 0:07:00 What's quite fancy?

Ryan 0:07:01 Is it fancy if—

Toni 0:07:02 Pomegranate. Oh, fuck yeah. That's posh.

Ryan 0:07:06 We've just planted pomegranate trees in our backyard.

Toni 0:07:09 Oh, my God.

William 0:07:09 Really?

Toni 0:07:10 Yeah. Okay.

Jordan 0:07:11 That's very fancy.

William 0:07:12 That's very posh.

Ryan 0:07:12 Well, apparently they get thick so the neighbours can't see when we jump in the pool naked. Oh, you've got to— And then bonus, there's pomegranates on it.

William 0:07:21 Yeah. Okay.

Toni 0:07:22 Did you know that every pomegranate has the same amount of seeds?

William 0:07:24 Exactly the same amount of seeds.

Jordan 0:07:27 How many is that?

Toni 0:07:27 I don't know.

Ryan 0:07:28 She's got one good fact.

Toni 0:07:30 I'll find an encyclopaedia.

Jordan 0:07:32 I love Toni.

Toni 0:07:34 What do you want from me?

Jordan 0:07:35 I'll go fucking nuts.

William 0:07:36 Come back up when next time you come to London.

Toni 0:07:37 Oh, that was such a gentle touch. You just went to gesture at my hand, but a whisper of a touch.

William 0:07:43 Yes, I try to watch my touch.

Ryan 0:07:43 Did you try to touch her engagement ring?

William 0:07:45 Are you engaged?

Ryan 0:07:46 'Cause it doesn't matter how nice your jacket is, it's not worth more than that ring. You know what I'm saying? No, no, no, no.

William 0:07:50 That looks like a lovely ring. Thanks. It does.

Toni 0:07:54 Yeah, what about the one on my hand?

William 0:07:55 Do you tell me, do you have H. Samuel in Australia?

Toni 0:07:59 What's H. Samuel?

William 0:08:00 Oh, it's a very upmarket jeweller's.

Jordan 0:08:02 Oh, I don't know.

Ryan 0:08:04 Do you want to know why Toni doesn't know about the jeweller in Australia?

William 0:08:08 All right.

Ryan 0:08:09 Because that's been handmade in Brooklyn, New York, just for her.

William 0:08:12 In Brooklyn, New York?

Toni 0:08:13 See, you were trying to read me like a little witch.

Jordan 0:08:15 How rich is your fiancé?

Toni 0:08:18 Not anymore.

Ryan 0:08:19 You know why he's rich? Because he's about to be be married to her.

Jordan 0:08:23 Ah, okay, okay. Someone's got a very successful podcast.

William 0:08:27 Now, we're British, we don't talk about money.

Jordan 0:08:29 Oh, are you the husband?

Ryan 0:08:32 No! I mean, we are.

Toni 0:08:35 I wish.

Ryan 0:08:36 No, we just finger.

Toni 0:08:40 Oh yeah, we're fucking each other. Beautiful. Yeah, he's the boss.

William 0:08:45 He's the boss of us.

Jordan 0:08:46 So you've just had your— the reason why you're in London is you've had your hen do here.

Ryan 0:08:50 Yeah, so I was the mate of honour and I threw the hens party for the bride. to be

Toni 0:08:55 with my 1,500 closest friends. Yeah. And

Jordan 0:08:58 where was that?

Toni 0:08:59 At Troxy Theatre. Okay. Yeah, which is—

William 0:09:01 where's that?

Toni 0:09:02 Oh, exactly. No, it's in the East End.

Ryan 0:09:05 Oh, I don't even know, but it's apparently the oldest theatre. But I feel like every theatre says we're the oldest theatre.

William 0:09:10 It's like the oldest pub. There are like 400 oldest pubs.

Ryan 0:09:12 Yeah, exactly. But it looked like it had some really quirky, funky looking old— like, the interior was a real choice.

Toni 0:09:19 They said when it was built it was the biggest cinema in all of Europe and all in the 1300s or '30s.

Ryan 0:09:27 Or do they just say that to idiot tourists like us and we go, oh, history.

Toni 0:09:29 And we just ate it up.

Ryan 0:09:30 Yeah, we love that shit.

Toni 0:09:31 But that's where all the premieres were and all the fancy ladies went there.

Jordan 0:09:34 Yeah. Oh, okay. And is this your first time in London?

Ryan 0:09:36 No, we were here 2 years ago because Toni wanted to see Taylor Swift. So, we, for work purposes, did a meet and greet for our 3rd birthday party 2 days before Taylor was here. Oh, whoops.

Toni 0:09:48 Oh, what a coincidence.

Jordan 0:09:49 Yeah. Did she not do— Did she not tour Australia? She did. I saw her in Melbourne as well.

William 0:09:53 Oh, I see. What's your favourite Taylor Swift song?

Toni 0:09:57 Thank you for asking me and touching me firmly. Pleasure. Um, I love All Too Well, 10-minute version.

William 0:10:02 Yes.

Toni 0:10:02 You hate Taylor Swift, eh?

William 0:10:04 I never— I don't really listen to her music.

Toni 0:10:06 I can see it in your face. What would you listen to in the morning?

William 0:10:08 Style. I know that one.

Toni 0:10:09 Oh, nice.

William 0:10:09 Yes, obviously. Well, what I listen to in the morning, obviously Capital Breakfast.

Toni 0:10:12 Oh

Jordan 0:10:13 God, Tony, I've met her.

Ryan 0:10:14 Oh.

Jordan 0:10:15 In person.

William 0:10:16 Yeah.

Jordan 0:10:17 Yeah.

Ryan 0:10:17 How was it? Was

Toni 0:10:18 it beautiful? How does she smell?

Jordan 0:10:19 She was amazing.

Toni 0:10:20 Oh, I bet.

Jordan 0:10:21 And I just, I just fell in love even more. I always appreciated her, but after meeting, I was like, she's got it. Because she walked in and she's like, no, this outfit won't do with this screen. And she went out and got changed. And I was like, I respect that.

Ryan 0:10:31 Slay.

Jordan 0:10:32 She wasn't like diva-ish or anything.

Toni 0:10:34 She's just like, I'm doing this.

Ryan 0:10:34 But she's a professional.

Jordan 0:10:35 Yeah, she's just like, her attention to detail. And I was like, I am here for it. And she was so lovely.

Toni 0:10:40 When was that?

Jordan 0:10:41 When was that? When the new album came out.

Toni 0:10:44 Oh, like so recently?

Jordan 0:10:45 Yeah, yeah,

Ryan 0:10:45 yeah. Tell us about it.

Toni 0:10:46 So you've seen the ring in real life?

Jordan 0:10:47 Yes.

Ryan 0:10:48 How did it compare to this one?

Jordan 0:10:50 It made Taylor's looked like it was from the pound shop.

Ryan 0:10:53 Tell me about the faff of Taylor Swift coming in, as in like, was there people coming in checking stuff, security?

Jordan 0:11:01 No, it was totally chill. And we— Really? She was totally chill. She had quite a big crew with her and stuff. Yeah. But it's Taylor Swift. But she was so chill. She's nice, down to earth.

Toni 0:11:10 What a good bitch.

Jordan 0:11:11 She brought bread in for everybody.

Toni 0:11:12 Sourdough.

Jordan 0:11:14 Yeah, the sourdough.

Ryan 0:11:14 We should have brought sourdough.

Jordan 0:11:15 Yeah, we didn't.

William 0:11:17 What did you

Toni 0:11:18 I brought my winning personality.

Ryan 0:11:21 Yeah. We also brought our appetites because for those playing along at home, the studio is next to a food market and holy shoot, I would be so fat if I worked here every day.

William 0:11:28 No, don't eat anything off that market.

Jordan 0:11:30 Hates that food market.

Ryan 0:11:31 Are you joking right now? We just ate so much, so much.

William 0:11:33 Right, when you leave here, it's gonna be clearing up time and you'll walk down that street and you'll see it when they're getting rid of the slops. You'll regret your life choices.

Toni 0:11:40 Do you think that we're gonna get diarrhoea?

Jordan 0:11:42 Yes.

William 0:11:42 Probably. I'd write the rest of the weekend off.

Jordan 0:11:44 But you've got to try Kendall's Brownies downstairs.

William 0:11:46 Oh yes, they're made in a— They are so good. Kendall's.

Jordan 0:11:50 Oh, some of these. So we are obsessed with these.

Toni 0:11:54 Who's Kendall? Do we know her?

Jordan 0:11:55 Kendall's the lovely girl downstairs.

Ryan 0:11:56 Is she the one selling the cat food at the door?

Jordan 0:11:59 No, that was someone else.

Toni 0:12:01 Is that a chocolate orange?

William 0:12:02 That's a chocolate orange one.

Ryan 0:12:03 That'll be regular. Fuck me up. We don't really do a lot of chocolate orange in Australia.

Toni 0:12:06 It's a real, a real treat.

William 0:12:08 Chocolate pomegranate.

Jordan 0:12:09 Have a bit.

Ryan 0:12:10 Well, what's the etiquette of just slamming chocolate into your face?

William 0:12:13 It's fine, we're all friends. You've talked about the spot on your Vagina. So I mean, I think we—

Toni 0:12:18 You kissed a pussy! I did. Oh, I see.

Ryan 0:12:21 What's the etiquette of using the cocktail stirrer as a spoon?

William 0:12:24 Oh yeah.

Ryan 0:12:25 Are you gonna take that? We could use it as a knife.

Toni 0:12:28 You're a walker!

Ryan 0:12:29 That is very common.

William 0:12:30 I am. Well, it's contagious.

Jordan 0:12:32 These are gonna be the best brownies you've ever had.

Toni 0:12:34 Oh my lanta. I just had a little corner of that. That is delish.

William 0:12:37 They are nice. Kendall does a very good brownie.

Toni 0:12:39 Holy shit.

Ryan 0:12:41 Is Kendall single?

Toni 0:12:42 That's fucked.

William 0:12:43 No, I don't think she is.

Jordan 0:12:44 No, I think she is.

William 0:12:45 I don't think so.

Jordan 0:12:46 Oh, she's quite hot.

Ryan 0:12:47 Oh, she's not. I'm gonna propose.

Toni 0:12:48 A recent breakup.

Ryan 0:12:49 Sorry, you've mentioned not single, 'cause— You just said she's hot, and you just went, she's not.

William 0:12:55 Well, she's not my type.

Ryan 0:12:57 She is hot. What specifically is not her type for you?

William 0:13:01 Well, she's a woman. Okay. So yeah, I— sure, I'm gay.

Toni 0:13:05 I hate women.

William 0:13:06 What?

Toni 0:13:06 Not that you're gay. I hate women.

Jordan 0:13:12 Oh, I didn't know you were homophobic. You should have said. That's disgusting, you've left a nasty— What is it about the gays you hate?

Toni 0:13:20 No, I love the gays.

William 0:13:21 Who's your favourite gay?

Toni 0:13:23 My favourite gay? Oh my God, I love Trixie and Katya.

William 0:13:27 What? Who the fuck is that?

Toni 0:13:30 Trixie and Katya, the drag queens.

William 0:13:32 Oh no, don't do drag.

Jordan 0:13:33 Why?

Toni 0:13:34 Oh my God, you're the worst gay.

William 0:13:36 Okay, okay. Oh! Madam, I can show you there are quite a lot of people who would disagree with that statement.

Ryan 0:13:45 Many, many people.

Jordan 0:13:46 Mm, Crawford Strong.

William 0:13:48 Drag queens aside.

Toni 0:13:49 Yep.

William 0:13:50 Who's your favourite gay?

Toni 0:13:51 Stanley Tucci's straight.

William 0:13:55 Yes.

Ryan 0:13:55 That is a shame for all of us.

Toni 0:13:57 Mm-hmm.

Jordan 0:14:00 Oh,

Toni 0:14:01 this is so hard.

Jordan 0:14:02 Who's a famous gay Aussie?

William 0:14:05 Oh, Troye Sivan.

Toni 0:14:07 Oh yeah, have you watched his Architectural Digest?

William 0:14:10 Yes.

Toni 0:14:12 It's amazing.

Ryan 0:14:13 That's, yeah, that's in our town. And I— oh yeah,

Toni 0:14:16 yeah, he's from Melbourne.

Ryan 0:14:19 He was from Perth.

Toni 0:14:21 Is he? I'm from Perth.

Ryan 0:14:22 Do you know him?

Toni 0:14:24 No.

Ryan 0:14:24 What school did he go to?

Toni 0:14:25 Perth Mod, probably.

Ryan 0:14:27 Um, yeah, he was Perth, like a YouTuber, and then he moved to Melbourne when he was cool. Just like you. That's what people do in Perth. They get cool and they move to Melbourne.

Jordan 0:14:33 Do you have many gays in Australia? We do.

Toni 0:14:35 Yeah, it's a strong, beautiful population.

Ryan 0:14:37 Yeah, I'm one of the only, uh, breeders in my friendship group.

William 0:14:42 I'm

Ryan 0:14:42 sorry? Um, so…

Jordan 0:14:43 He's straight.

William 0:14:44 Oh, I see. Oh, okay. I've got friends that are breeders, but that's a different sort of breeding.

Ryan 0:14:49 What do they breed?

Jordan 0:14:51 Arseholes.

William 0:14:51 I'll show you later.

Toni 0:14:52 Arseholes? They breed arseholes?

Ryan 0:14:55 I went to a very, uh, inclusive, arty, fun school. So, uh, um, like, my favourite gays in Australia are all my mates.

Toni 0:15:03 All your friends? Yeah.

William 0:15:04 Oh, that's nice. That's a lovely answer.

Ryan 0:15:05 And my daughter Mabel has 57 uncles who are fabulous and want to take her out.

Toni 0:15:09 How old is Mabel?

Ryan 0:15:10 She just turned 3, Mabel.

William 0:15:12 Oh, yeah, she's a sweetheart. Oh, that's lovely. So that, you know, you get a bit of personality at 3, don't you? You know, at 1, they don't do a lot, do they? Blobby.

Ryan 0:15:19 Yeah, exactly. And Toni's their godmother.

William 0:15:21 Oh!

Jordan 0:15:22 Their godmother!

Toni 0:15:23 Yeah.

William 0:15:24 Well, and because you're off to Italy next time. Yes! Yes. My godmother! Do that. They'll love that in Italy. Yeah, it'll go down very, very well. Do the hand gestures, right?

Jordan 0:15:32 Godmother!

Toni 0:15:33 I like—

Ryan 0:15:33 we joke, we're like, is that— Is that dangerous?

Toni 0:15:36 They won't like that.

Jordan 0:15:37 You know what I mean. The Italians are fine. Do

Toni 0:15:40 you know any Italian that you could teach us maybe to take over with?

Jordan 0:15:43 Arrivederci.

William 0:15:45 There we go. That means goodbye. Ciao. Grazie means thank you. And then the waiter might say prego. Prego. To you.

Jordan 0:15:52 Go on then. Is it prego?

Toni 0:15:55 What are you calling me?

Jordan 0:15:55 No, no, no. Prego.

Toni 0:15:59 Maybe after this.

William 0:16:02 We're back to breeding. And what else is Italian? Oh, Dov'è la toilette? is, where are the lavatories?

Ryan 0:16:09 That's good for me. Yeah, that is good for me.

William 0:16:11 Are you incontinent?

Toni 0:16:12 He pisses like 50 times a day.

Jordan 0:16:15 Oh, you've got a bladder like an egg cup too.

Ryan 0:16:17 Yeah.

Jordan 0:16:17 Me too. I piss all the time.

Toni 0:16:19 You've got a what?

Jordan 0:16:20 Bladder like an egg cup.

Toni 0:16:21 What's an egg cup?

Jordan 0:16:22 You know what you put—

William 0:16:22 You put your little boiled egg in.

Jordan 0:16:24 Oh, that's the egg cup.

Toni 0:16:24 Yeah. Sorry, I thought you said egg cup.

Ryan 0:16:25 The clue was in the word.

Jordan 0:16:27 Yeah.

Toni 0:16:27 I thought you said egg cup. And I was like, what's an egg cup?

William 0:16:29 It's his accent.

Toni 0:16:30 Yeah, it's beautiful.

William 0:16:32 Do you think your listeners will understand him?

Toni 0:16:33 Absolutely.

Jordan 0:16:34 Yeah.

William 0:16:35 Yeah. We in Australia, we love an accent.

Toni 0:16:37 accent because we don't hear our accent. We do. So, when we hear— Okay.

Ryan 0:16:41 How would you describe our accent in just a—

Toni 0:16:46 I'll just go fuck myself.

Ryan 0:16:47 Not a word, but a sound. If you were to describe like your love or disdain for accent in a sound, how would you describe it?

William 0:16:55 In a sound?

Ryan 0:16:56 Yeah.

William 0:16:56 Like, you know—

Ryan 0:16:57 Like if I were to describe you in a sound, I'd be like, hmm.

William 0:17:00 Ah, you would be, oh.

Toni 0:17:03 Oh, all the way around.

William 0:17:05 Yeah, because you sort of, you modulate, don't you? You sort of You don't pick one particular pitch. You sort of go up and down.

Ryan 0:17:11 We're for everyone, yeah.

William 0:17:12 Yeah, exactly. So you're—

Toni 0:17:14 I love that that's what you took from that!

Ryan 0:17:16 Yeah. Oh, but I don't just stick to one pitch. We'll take them all.

Toni 0:17:20 Yeah.

Ryan 0:17:20 I also don't really know what that means.

Toni 0:17:22 I'm a huge pitch.

William 0:17:22 Yeah.

Jordan 0:17:24 Out of you two, who would you say is more William and Jordan? So, William.

William 0:17:27 Well, how would you describe both of us first for your— Fancy. Both of us.

Toni 0:17:32 Fancy.

William 0:17:33 Yeah.

Ryan 0:17:33 I'd say fancy and fancier. Because you're both fancy. A well-to-do UK boy by default is like, you know, it's nice. It's real nice. Oh, okay.

William 0:17:44 Yeah. Fancy and fancier. Yeah.

Jordan 0:17:45 I think that's the— I'm not— I've never been called fancy.

Ryan 0:17:47 Look at those pants. Those pants are beautiful. And the way you wear them is stunning.

Toni 0:17:50 Can I adjust? Maybe fancy and rich.

William 0:17:53 Oh, he's loving that.

Ryan 0:17:57 Wow. Didn't everyone's eyes in the room just dart anywhere else but up here?

Jordan 0:18:00 We don't talk money.

William 0:18:01 No, we're British, remember.

Ryan 0:18:03 Oh, you don't talk money.

Toni 0:18:03 But that's—

Jordan 0:18:04 Very British.

Toni 0:18:05 But looking rich isn't talking money.

Jordan 0:18:07 Oh, fair.

Toni 0:18:07 You can look rich without being rich.

Jordan 0:18:10 Honestly, this is just ASOS, my trousers.

Toni 0:18:13 I didn't ask.

Jordan 0:18:14 I'm sorry, and this is just Marks Spencer's, so it's all like—

Toni 0:18:17 Yeah, I didn't.

Jordan 0:18:18 So, it's not like it's fancy.

Ryan 0:18:20 Can I teach you guys something about the benefits of discussing money openly? Go on. Because it's not kosher here, apparently.

William 0:18:27 No.

Ryan 0:18:27 Tony was doing the same job as a man in Melbourne. she said, hey, what do you earn? And it turns out it was a lot more than Toni, and Toni wouldn't have had—

William 0:18:37 That's always the way.

Ryan 0:18:38 Yeah. And so, Toni would never have known that if not. So, you've got to advocate for each other, and that's the benefit of like, it's a bit awkward at first, but if you go, hey, we're just colluding and sharing info so we can all get out—

William 0:18:49 Well, that's when it's perhaps okay to talk about it.

Jordan 0:18:51 Yeah. We have American friends who are just like, how much are you earning a year now? And I'm like— and us Brits, I don't know how much money you earn. I don't know how much you do. Like, we just don't.

Ryan 0:18:59 That would be— yeah, that would give me the—

Jordan 0:19:01 I work in the studio at Capital, like everyone here. It's so British, this, by the way. Everyone in the studio at Capital have no idea how much money they have. We just don't— you never talk about it.

Toni 0:19:10 I think, yeah, it does feel weird, especially for talent.

Ryan 0:19:14 Yeah, talent. Everyone else—

William 0:19:15 We use that term very loosely here.

Ryan 0:19:17 Yeah. Oh, it's not about being talented. It's about the talent.

Jordan 0:19:21 Yeah. The talent.

Ryan 0:19:21 The talent's in the room. Everyone behave.

William 0:19:23 Now, you said to me when we were sort of— you arrived, that you mention on your podcast a lot Titanic.

Toni 0:19:29 Yeah, but we do prefer that you use its Christian name.

Ryan 0:19:32 The RMS Titanic.

William 0:19:34 Yes, indeed. And are you talking about the actual ship or the film or both? Both.

Toni 0:19:39 Okay. Mainly the film.

Ryan 0:19:40 It's based on a true story.

Toni 0:19:41 Yes.

William 0:19:42 I'm aware of that.

Jordan 0:19:44 Yes. I know where William's going with this because there's a play.

William 0:19:47 They know.

Ryan 0:19:47 Yeah, I've heard. When I saw the name, I knew you were doing a play, but I didn't realise it was the play.

William 0:19:52 It's a musical, actually.

Ryan 0:19:53 My apologies.

Toni 0:19:55 You don't strike me as like a silly boy. And isn't Titanic a little bit silly?

William 0:20:00 Titanic.

Toni 0:20:01 Titanic.

William 0:20:02 That's where you can go up at the end of a sentence. That's a good example.

Ryan 0:20:05 When you say silly, you know how it ends, eh?

Toni 0:20:07 No, but it's like a silly show.

William 0:20:09 Yes, it's a send-up of the film. Not of the disaster. We should just point that out.

Ryan 0:20:13 Are you the one doing the hand when you're getting railed on the glass? Is that gonna be your move, or…?

William 0:20:18 We have to come and watch it and find out. We do recreate that scene, yes.

Ryan 0:20:22 Do you? How do you recreate it?

William 0:20:24 You have to come and watch it and find out.

Toni 0:20:26 When's it on? Are you the one— Oh, it's already on!

Ryan 0:20:27 Oh, it's on!

Toni 0:20:27 Oh!

William 0:20:28 It's already on!

Ryan 0:20:28 So we can come see it?

William 0:20:29 Yeah, I'm not in it yet.

Ryan 0:20:30 When are you in it?

William 0:20:31 I'm in it from the 9th of June. In only a matter of days.

Jordan 0:20:33 Can you answer Tony's question?

Toni 0:20:35 Yeah, are you the one fucking or getting fucked?

William 0:20:37 My character is not in the garage. Oh. Yes, I'm—

Toni 0:20:40 Sorry.

William 0:20:41 I'm elsewhere.

Ryan 0:20:41 Were you one of the— were you getting drawn naked laying like a beautiful French woman?

William 0:20:46 No, that's my daughter. So I play Ruth. I play Kate Winslet's mother.

Toni 0:20:49 Hang on. Oh my God, that's wonderful.

Ryan 0:20:51 That's

Toni 0:20:52 not— No, that's not Kathy Bates, is it?

Ryan 0:20:53 Are you playing Kathy Bates?

William 0:20:55 No, that's Molly Brown.

Jordan 0:20:56 I love Kathy Bates.

Ryan 0:20:58 I fucking love Kathy Bates. We have the same birthday.

Jordan 0:21:01 Oh my God, she's so good at

William 0:21:03 Japanese. You should play Molly Brown.

Ryan 0:21:04 Totally agree. It was the role I was born to play.

William 0:21:08 Yes.

Ryan 0:21:08 Yeah.

Toni 0:21:09 I think my son's about your size.

Jordan 0:21:11 Yeah!

Toni 0:21:12 Oh shit. Thanks everyone.

Ryan 0:21:14 That was so good.

Jordan 0:21:14 That was amazing.

Ryan 0:21:15 I also love that I got offered the role and then you jumped in.

Toni 0:21:18 Well, you didn't know the line.

Ryan 0:21:19 No, but you're so much better at it than me. So now I'll just watch you.

William 0:21:21 What's your favourite bit in Titanic?

Toni 0:21:23 Oh, I love the part when he goes, when he's standing at the top of the stairs and then turns around and he goes, you wanna go to a real party?

William 0:21:30 We have that line in our film.

Jordan 0:21:31 Stand back, or I'll shoot you all like dogs!

Ryan 0:21:34 Yeah.

Toni 0:21:35 Oh, it's crazy that she was about to fall, but you had the time to take off your pants and coat, isn't it?

Jordan 0:21:41 Oh, you're good.

Toni 0:21:42 Thank you so much.

William 0:21:42 Do you know, I actually do need to rewatch the film before I start the show, because—

Toni 0:21:45 It's wonderful!

Ryan 0:21:46 Every time I—

William 0:21:47 Oh, I have seen it. I watched it in 4 parts on an elliptical at the gym.

Ryan 0:21:50 Yeah.

William 0:21:51 The first time I watched Titanic.

Ryan 0:21:52 We had it on— when I was in college, we had it on repeat from Friday afternoon to Sunday night, just across the weekend, you kind of, you come in and out.

Toni 0:21:59 You just catch it all in the end.

Jordan 0:22:01 Yes.

Ryan 0:22:01 I, every time I play cards, which is never, but you know, the first scene where they like, and he's like, I'm going to America! So every time we— yeah, I love that bit. When's it leaving? It's leaving right now.

Jordan 0:22:14 Titanic leaves in 5 minutes.

William 0:22:15 Oh my God, this is literally like I'm doing the show right now.

Ryan 0:22:18 Yeah.

William 0:22:18 Well, so much of the show is now making sense.

Toni 0:22:20 Yeah, because you're surrounded by poor people.

Ryan 0:22:22 Yeah.

Jordan 0:22:23 Yes. Come around the back, the propellers and do me up the arse. That's a great bit. Okay, what?

Ryan 0:22:29 Hey, could

William 0:22:29 we— Yeah. Could you what?

Ryan 0:22:31 This is what I propose.

William 0:22:34 Okay.

Jordan 0:22:34 Okay.

Ryan 0:22:34 I'm gonna get up. I'm gonna walk around behind you.

William 0:22:38 Yes.

Ryan 0:22:38 I'm gonna hold you.

William 0:22:39 Okay.

Ryan 0:22:39 And then you're gonna look into the camera and you're gonna pronounce, I'm the king of the world. How do you feel about that?

William 0:22:46 So, am I Kate Winslet? So, hang on.

Toni 0:22:49 Oh, no, he yells, doesn't he? He says that. He says that with, um, his friend who he gets on the boat with.

Ryan 0:22:55 Oh, with the— oh,

Jordan 0:22:56 you can do that. Anyway, you are wearing linen, so if you get a semi, it's gonna show. I'm just gonna say.

Toni 0:23:01 Ryan, you as well.

Jordan 0:23:02 This is amazing. Okay.

William 0:23:08 And what do I say?

Ryan 0:23:09 Tony, you do the song.

Toni 0:23:10 Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo.

William 0:23:15 I feel like I'm flying, Jack.

Toni 0:23:17 Every night in my dreams. I see you. He smells so nice. And I just had lunch. Did you smell my lunch? It's like from the market downstairs. Very good. Wizardry lamb bolter. It was, yeah. Go on. Stay with me forever. Near, far, wherever you are, I believe that my heart will go on.

William 0:23:51 Bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow. Are you pulling out now?

Ryan 0:23:55 I'm getting sweaty, sorry.

Toni 0:23:57 Beautiful.

Ryan 0:23:58 Darling. Stunning. Thank you so much.

Jordan 0:24:00 That was amazing.

William 0:24:00 And suddenly, I'm not feeling as bad about my singing in the show.

Jordan 0:24:03 That was amazing. Take that back.

Toni 0:24:05 Take that back.

Jordan 0:24:07 That was so good.

William 0:24:08 Right, well, crashing on. In our podcast, we normally share advice. People write in with dilemmas, and we give our— Love it.

Jordan 0:24:15 From our G&D-vas.

William 0:24:15 Contrast—

Toni 0:24:16 I like G&D-vas.

Jordan 0:24:17 You have to have that.

William 0:24:18 The Gin and the Bonnet Divas.

Toni 0:24:20 Oh, so you drink this every day?

William 0:24:21 Literally. Every episode.

Ryan 0:24:23 I thought we were special.

Toni 0:24:25 Yeah, I thought it was a brand new—

William 0:24:26 No, sorry. No, that's the ice. The ice bit was the special bit just for you. You do Normal or Nah, I believe. Tell us how that works.

Toni 0:24:34 Well, it's quite self-explanatory. We— a TAPA, a Tony and Ryan Podcast listener, will write in and they'll say, I do this thing in my house. Do you reckon that's normal or do you reckon that's nah? And we weigh in and then people share their thoughts too. Oh,

Ryan 0:24:47 Naomi, TAPA Naomi had a question for you guys. Normal or not.

William 0:24:51 Okay, well, tell you what, let's go to some messages, and when we come back, we'll do some dilemmas and some normal or nos.

Ryan 0:24:56 This— it's nah.

William 0:24:58 Normal or nahs. Okay.

Ryan 0:25:02 And you have to pronounce nah. Nah. Yes! Also, isn't it cute how rich people say ads are messages?

Toni 0:25:07 Messages. That's nice. Here's some lines from our sponsors.

Jordan 0:25:10 You could do a joke and then leave it, tell us the punchline after. We usually do a jolly joke of the week as well. Give us a proper rude Aussie joke.

William 0:25:16 Yeah, you do the feed line, then we go, we'll tell you the punchline after the break. Okay. Messages. Alright, okay. And then we do the whole thing.

Toni 0:25:22 What's the difference between peanut butter and jam?

Jordan 0:25:25 We'll find out after the break.

Jordan 0:28:04 All right, GNDivas and TARPers. Am I saying that right? Yes. TARPers, thanks for sticking with us. It's a special episode of Help I Sexed My Boss with the hugely successful Australian podcast Tony and Ryan. Tony and Ryan are still with us.

Toni 0:28:21 Thank you.

Jordan 0:28:21 And now it's time for Tony's Jolly Joke of the Week.

Toni 0:28:25 What's the difference between peanut butter and jam?

William 0:28:28 I don't know.

Toni 0:28:29 I don't want you to peanut butter your dick in my arse.

Jordan 0:28:31 Yeah, very good, very good. I'd be all right if it weren't for the snakes and spiders. I'd be all right in Australia. Yes, I think you would. Because I think we've got a very similar sense of humour. My dad works at the Australian Embassy.

William 0:28:48 You'd be like the Prince of Wales over there.

Jordan 0:28:50 And they drop the C-word all the time, and he didn't realise guys, it's a term of endearment. Yeah, it is. Oh, Graham, you're a funny guy.

Ryan 0:28:58 Yeah.

Jordan 0:28:59 So, we're not even allowed to say it here.

Ryan 0:29:00 Oh, like when we leave today, because you guys have been so nice and welcoming, I'll say to Tony, oh, good guy.

Jordan 0:29:05 Ah, yeah. You can say it.

Ryan 0:29:07 That's the highest, like, honour.

Toni 0:29:09 Yeah. But if we kind of went, your mate, that's not good.

Jordan 0:29:13 Okay. Oh, yeah. Your mate.

William 0:29:15 Okay, nice. Well, before we get on to the dilemmas, do you want to give us some normal or nahs?

Ryan 0:29:19 Yes. Well, we've got a lot of crossover in fans. So, this is a specific one from—

Jordan 0:29:26 Oh, great.

Ryan 0:29:26 Although she's given a fake name because she's sort of admitting to something that she did.

Toni 0:29:31 Oh, okay.

Ryan 0:29:31 So, this is from Tapa Shimoni.

William 0:29:34 Shimoni. Shimoni.

Toni 0:29:36 That's what I thought.

Ryan 0:29:37 Shimoni. Serving bad snacks for guests. We have good chips and good candy, but I'm not wasting them on guests. So, when someone comes around, I go, no, no, don't get stuff out of the cupboard over there. Get it from this drawer. And the guests believe it's similar to like getting out the fine china.

Toni 0:29:57 Or like a nice towel for the guests.

Ryan 0:29:59 Yeah, they go, oh, we've got the fancy one. No.

Toni 0:30:01 It's the shit one.

William 0:30:02 No. No, I'd say that's nah.

Jordan 0:30:04 I'd say that's nah.

William 0:30:06 Yeah. Don't have guests around then if you don't want to go to any effort.

Jordan 0:30:09 Yeah, that's the British in us. We disagree a lot, but I think if you've got— you get the good stuff out for the guests.

William 0:30:14 Or just have the good stuff for both you and the guests. Don't buy the rubbish.

Toni 0:30:17 Oh, that's, that's actually probably a great solution.

Ryan 0:30:20 Yeah. Tony, what about you?

Toni 0:30:21 I would say nah, but only because when people come over, I wouldn't probably have snacks in the house. Like, because if I'm doing a big cheese board or something, I go, I get to enjoy that as well.

Jordan 0:30:31 Do you know what picky bits are?

Toni 0:30:32 Yeah.

Jordan 0:30:32 Yeah, we love picky bits.

Toni 0:30:34 Yeah.

Ryan 0:30:34 Yeah, we— or if we went to a restaurant and go, oh, should we get— maybe should we do this? Should we do this?

Toni 0:30:39 Yeah.

Jordan 0:30:39 That's your personal question.

Toni 0:30:41 Oh my God, I've been begging.

Jordan 0:30:43 What temperature do you wash your underwear on? It's a big issue for us. It's a huge— it's the one thing—

William 0:30:48 And do you use Celsius or Fahrenheit in Australia?

Toni 0:30:50 We use Celsius.

William 0:30:51 Celsius, okay.

Jordan 0:30:51 It's the one thing we fall out on. So I wash mine on 30. What do you wash your knickers on?

Toni 0:30:55 I just put them in the— well, actually, my partner does all the washing. Okay. But I don't think I've ever selected the temperature on a washing machine.

William 0:31:03 You are probably riddled with bacteria right now.

Jordan 0:31:05 He thinks that underwear should be washed on 60.

Ryan 0:31:07 Oh, at 60?

Jordan 0:31:08 Yeah, it's a big thing we fall out of.

Toni 0:31:10 So don't they all shrink?

Ryan 0:31:11 Yeah. And just destroy the fabric?

Jordan 0:31:13 Can I ask you another personal question?

Toni 0:31:15 Please.

Jordan 0:31:15 Do you piss in the shower?

Toni 0:31:17 Yeah.

Ryan 0:31:17 Yeah. I mean, anyone who says they don't is a liar.

Jordan 0:31:20 I genuinely hate that.

William 0:31:22 I had one of the biggest arguments at that point with my husband, now husband, over that.

Ryan 0:31:27 Because he does piss in the shower?

William 0:31:29 No, he didn't. Well, he has done it, but not whilst we were together. But he said it wasn't a problem. And I— I

Toni 0:31:35 mean, it gets washed away, isn't it?

Ryan 0:31:37 Has he pissed in the shower with your— but when you're both in it?

William 0:31:41 We don't. We've been married 10 years. We don't. We've— sorry, we've been—

Ryan 0:31:44 Do you guys have like little sword fights in the shower?

William 0:31:46 We don't. We've been together 10 years.

Ryan 0:31:48 I love just seeing your streams cross and it's like, oh, gotcha.

Jordan 0:31:50 I used to like my brothers.

Ryan 0:31:51 Yeah, like little lightsabers.

Jordan 0:31:54 Yeah. And then your dad would just come over and piss over you. Yeah, yeah.

Ryan 0:31:57 Oh, isn't it nice? They know their parents. Yeah, that's a real nice thing for them.

William 0:32:00 The answer to your question is no.

Jordan 0:32:01 Oh, sorry.

William 0:32:02 Would you like to do another normal or nah?

Ryan 0:32:04 Um, yes. Well, you're not— if you don't like that, you're not gonna find out.

Toni 0:32:09 No, no, pissing on each other. Nah, we've gotten close though. I reckon we've probably both pissed in the pool while we've been in there together.

Jordan 0:32:19 Have you seen each other naked?

Ryan 0:32:21 We have seen 98% of each other's bodies.

Jordan 0:32:25 Yeah, I've never seen him naked, but I've seen him in his boxers.

Ryan 0:32:28 How was that?

Jordan 0:32:29 Honestly,

William 0:32:30 made him the man he was today.

Ryan 0:32:32 Was his body wider than his face?

Toni 0:32:34 You ruined him for all other men.

Jordan 0:32:36 He's got the— a big old mahogany cock. I've never seen it, but you know when you can just tell someone's packing?

Toni 0:32:43 You're packing heat.

Jordan 0:32:44 Yeah.

Toni 0:32:45 You got a Slayer in there.

Jordan 0:32:46 Honestly, Tony.

Toni 0:32:48 Show me that Dubonnet.

Jordan 0:32:49 Ryan, it's like—

Ryan 0:32:52 Wow.

Jordan 0:32:52 He hates it when I do one. He's like—

Ryan 0:32:53 No, I felt the aura of it.

Jordan 0:32:55 He does give— does he give big dick energy? Does he give big dick energy?

Toni 0:32:58 Big dick energy.

William 0:32:59 Right, thank you. Are you dilating?

Toni 0:33:02 I don't think you know what that means. I think that's where it does—

Jordan 0:33:09 it does that.

William 0:33:11 It's that, isn't it?

Toni 0:33:12 Yeah, but that's probably not what would happen if I was aroused.

William 0:33:15 Oh right, what would happen?

Toni 0:33:16 I feel like your clit would get engorged and you'd get like the pussy— like you'd get like, you know, the pussy tingles, which is nice.

William 0:33:24 Okay.

Jordan 0:33:24 Do you want some water?

William 0:33:25 I think I'm okay.

Toni 0:33:27 I'm okay.

Ryan 0:33:28 Um, if you want to know how well Tony and I know each other, To conceive our daughter, Mabel, we had—

Toni 0:33:35 Not our daughter. Yeah. Ryan and his wife.

Ryan 0:33:37 My wife.

Toni 0:33:37 Yeah.

Ryan 0:33:38 We, after years of trying, we went to do IVF and during COVID we weren't allowed to go into the hospital. So, I had to provide a sample at home.

Toni 0:33:49 Of cum.

William 0:33:50 Thank you.

Ryan 0:33:51 I was just going to say sample. And then you've got 40 minutes to— Because it has to still be warm and you've got 40 minutes to get it to the hospital and drop it off from when you've produced it.

William 0:34:02 Yeah.

Ryan 0:34:02 So, I was going to drop it off at 8. 8 o'clock and Toni messages at 7:50 going, what are you doing? You thinking of me?

Toni 0:34:10 Hope it's going well.

Jordan 0:34:11 Amazing. So, you knew he was having a wank?

Ryan 0:34:14 Yes. And she goes, hey, what are you up to? I'm like, you fucking know what I'm up to. How about you just leave me alone for a little bit?

Toni 0:34:19 It went faster after I texted.

Jordan 0:34:21 What? Are you thinking of me?

Ryan 0:34:22 I was like, I'm struggling. Can you say some nice stuff? And then I didn't have a car at the time, so I had to get an Uber with my semen in my jacket and take it into the hospital. And Toni was a part of that journey with me.

Toni 0:34:33 Modern medicine.

William 0:34:34 That's lovely. It's a modern love story.

Jordan 0:34:36 Is it a normal or nah? Whatever. A normal or nah?

William 0:34:39 Normal or nah.

Jordan 0:34:40 Normal or nah.

Ryan 0:34:40 So, because we're travelling at the moment, you know, we're out of a bag, keeping things light, I forgot to bring a shaver. And so, because I was getting pretty much naked at our live show the other night, I asked— I kind of looked at myself and was like, oh, shit. And I asked Charles, who works with us, can I borrow your shaver?

Jordan 0:34:59 To do—

William 0:35:01 Why were you needing to tidy up?

Ryan 0:35:03 I wasn't wearing— can I show you what I was

Jordan 0:35:05 wearing? Yeah, show 'em.

Toni 0:35:06 It's quite a— I think that's normal. Budgie smuggler.

Jordan 0:35:09 Okay. Do you guys have budgie smugglers? Yeah.

William 0:35:12 We do, we do.

Jordan 0:35:12 Speedos.

William 0:35:13 I don't wear them. You do.

Jordan 0:35:14 I don't wear Speedos.

Ryan 0:35:15 Aussies love them.

Toni 0:35:16 You'd wear a Speedo.

Ryan 0:35:17 That's me coming down to the—

Jordan 0:35:18 Oh, wow.

Ryan 0:35:19 Yeah.

Toni 0:35:20 You'd wear a Speedo.

Ryan 0:35:20 Oh, don't you zoom in.

Jordan 0:35:21 You look great. No, where am I from? Thank you.

Toni 0:35:23 Wow. It's for fancy hot gays.

William 0:35:25 Yeah, well, that's very sweet of you, but I love, love that staircase.

Toni 0:35:28 That's at Troxy Theatre.

William 0:35:31 That's the Troxy Theatre. Yeah. You look very handsome.

Ryan 0:35:34 Thank you. But as you now know, I was like,

Toni 0:35:36 yeah,

William 0:35:37 okay.

Jordan 0:35:37 So you used your mate's razor?

Ryan 0:35:39 Well, I just said, could I borrow it? And Tony nearly died because—

William 0:35:41 I think that's a no.

Toni 0:35:42 That's a no for me too.

Ryan 0:35:44 But I want to pose this question to you because we've been talking about it. What is worse, borrowing a friend's shaver or borrowing a friend's toothbrush. And so when they

William 0:35:55 brush,

Ryan 0:35:55 and then you have to take it back after. So you have to—

Toni 0:35:57 if you have to choose one or

Ryan 0:35:58 the other,

Toni 0:36:00 I, I reckon toothbrush is what I would rather give.

Jordan 0:36:03 Would you share your toothbrush with your respective partners?

Toni 0:36:06 Yeah, fuck yeah, no problem. Yeah, but a shaver, no way. All the micro cuts in the skin and stuff, that sounds like a problem for me. And I am fucked. Like, I know that I'm fucked, but like, I think That's crazy.

William 0:36:21 Wow. Okay, um, would you like a dilemma?

Toni 0:36:24 Sure. Please.

William 0:36:24 Yeah, um, this is from anonymous, so again, they've chosen to stay anonymous, like one of yours. Um, hi, William, Jordan, and the Sex Ed team, and Tony and Ryan. Hope you are all well. I love listening to the podcast on my walks to work.

Ryan 0:36:36 Lovely.

William 0:36:36 I was catching up on recent episodes, and I heard you discussing the name of William's new gardener. One of my friends started dating a gardener, and this quickly led to him earning the nickname Bush Trimming Bill, As you can probably imagine, she wasn't the biggest fan of this. Anyways, on to my dilemma. It was completely irrelevant. My husband of 5 years loves to cook me gorgeous dinners, and he's always experimenting with new cuisine. One evening, he made me this gorgeous green Thai curry, and it was absolutely delicious. Now, following a romantic dinner, we both got quite excited and made our way to the bedroom. Oh. With his hands down my trousers, I quickly had the horrible realisation that he had not washed his hands

Toni 0:37:15 Chilli.

William 0:37:15 With my vagina burning from the copious amounts of chilli and ginger he'd cut up, I quickly excused myself and ran to the bathroom to rinse off what I could. Please do let me know what the correct etiquette is for when your partner causes your vagina to burn horribly as a result of cutting up aromatics. Love the podcasts, and I wish you all the best.

Jordan 0:37:34 Sudocrem. It's good for burns.

Toni 0:37:36 You can't put that in your puss hole.

Jordan 0:37:38 Do you have Sudocrem in Australia? Yeah.

Ryan 0:37:40 Yeah, and vaginas.

Jordan 0:37:41 Oh, wow.

Ryan 0:37:43 Together.

William 0:37:43 And ginger.

Ryan 0:37:44 Yeah.

Toni 0:37:45 Yeah, we have that.

William 0:37:46 Do you?

Toni 0:37:46 Yeah.

William 0:37:47 So, what would you do? I feel that this has happened to you.

Toni 0:37:50 It actually hasn't, but I don't think I would excuse myself and not tell. So, my partner, Tobes, I'd be like, oh my God, did you wash your hands? And he'd be like, fuck no, I didn't. I don't think I would need to excuse myself at all. Like, he would— I would tell him. He would be abreast of the situation. He's abreast of most things that I do.

William 0:38:08 Okay, good.

Toni 0:38:09 There's very little left to the imagination.

Ryan 0:38:11 In the best way. Well, I don't think it's the best way. He arguably is—

Toni 0:38:14 It's the best way for us.

Ryan 0:38:16 Yeah, too knowledgeable and too in there.

William 0:38:18 Has that happened to you and your wife, anyone you've previously dated?

Ryan 0:38:22 Uh,

Toni 0:38:22 well, you fingered a lot of girls.

Jordan 0:38:24 How old are you, if you don't mind me asking?

Ryan 0:38:27 How old do you think I

Jordan 0:38:28 am? Uh, 31, 32?

Ryan 0:38:30 Yep, that's correct.

Jordan 0:38:31 Are you actually?

Toni 0:38:32 He's about to turn 39.

Ryan 0:38:34 Yeah.

Jordan 0:38:34 Oh, okay. Yeah, because we, we talked about this. We— there is a demise of fingering across the world at the moment.

Ryan 0:38:39 You're joking.

Toni 0:38:39 Such a shame.

Jordan 0:38:40 We grew up— honestly, I was talking about this. recently, we'd go on nights out and people just got fingered left, right, and centre. It was like on a dance floor in a nightclub.

Toni 0:38:48 I was about to say, on a dance floor, a good old finger.

Jordan 0:38:51 Yeah. Oh, my mate'd just be like, you said, I've just fingered that girl over there, and we'd get a bit—

Ryan 0:38:56 What do you think the finger to fucking ratio was back in our day?

Jordan 0:39:00 I think you had to do a— it's, it's, there's a—

Ryan 0:39:02 I'd say 10 to 1.

Jordan 0:39:03 Yeah, defo. There's a comedian here called, yeah, Mickey Flanagan, who says like you'd finger them and tit them up for a bit and But yeah, you do look like a man that's fingered a lot of girls.

Toni 0:39:13 That is a huge compliment.

Ryan 0:39:14 That is a compliment. That, that is a—

Toni 0:39:17 Have you fingered any girls,

Ryan 0:39:18 William?

William 0:39:19 No.

Jordan 0:39:20 He's a golden— what do you call that?

Toni 0:39:21 Gold star guy.

Ryan 0:39:22 Yeah, gold star. Uh, what I think the equivalent might be is, uh, applying deep heat to a sore part of the body and then going to take a piss and using your hands to pee,

Jordan 0:39:32 uh,

Ryan 0:39:33 and then realising, oh, I've just used deep heat.

Toni 0:39:36 Yeah.

Ryan 0:39:36 And now my penis is on fire.

Toni 0:39:40 The crew are all laughing. I'm guessing it's happened to a lot of people.

Jordan 0:39:42 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ryan 0:39:43 'Cause most people that have, you know, been athletes have applied the DP. That's why I looked at Will. I was like, he's probably played a lot of sport back in the day.

William 0:39:49 Oh, bless you.

Jordan 0:39:50 Yeah. Oh, yeah.

William 0:39:52 I'm so, so sporty. Another one. This is from Paul. Hi, Paul. A few years ago, we popped into Bath. That's a nice sort of place in the Southwest.

Ryan 0:40:00 Oh, not like the bath.

William 0:40:01 No, Bath. It's a city.

Jordan 0:40:02 Fancy city.

Toni 0:40:03 I like a bath, me.

Jordan 0:40:05 Same here. I think Jane—

William 0:40:05 Oh, Bridgerton. A lot of Bridgerton. Bridgertons involved.

Toni 0:40:07 I've never seen Bridgerton.

William 0:40:08 No, I wouldn't bother. No. But it's all filmed there. Regency.

Toni 0:40:11 Oh.

William 0:40:11 That sort of thing. For a spot of shopping with me, the wife, and the kids. We found a space in our preferred car park and proceeded to wander off into the throngs of Bath city centre. As we walked up the stairs, I noticed what I thought was a pink and grey baby's rattle or toy, presumably dropped by some poor little kiddie. Being an upstanding citizen, I picked it up with the intention of leaving it on the wall beside the stairs so that upon returning to the car park, the parents of the now obviously distraught child would spot the toy and be joyfully Reunited with it, my good deeds done for the day. However, once I had the toy in my hand, I noticed a button on the end. At this point, I realised somewhat naively that this was not a child's toy as expected, but in fact a set of vibrating anal beads.

Ryan 0:40:52 Oh!

William 0:40:52 This is where I did what any normal husband and father would do and proceeded to chase my wife and 2 daughters around the car park, waving the discarded anal beads and shouting at them, sniff my fingers!

Jordan 0:41:04 Brilliant!

William 0:41:06 That's not normally what goes on in Bath. Wow. I, of course, found this absolutely hilarious. The rest of the family not so much, with cries of, what is wrong with you? You are disgusting! being aimed at me for the remainder of the day. After a few minutes of terrorising the family, I did eventually leave the beads on the wall as originally intended, although this time expecting them to be retrieved by their rightful adult owner rather than child. The beads were missing when we returned to the car park later that afternoon, so I can only presume they were safely inserted back where they belonged. Needless to say, I did have to find somewhere to wash my hands very quickly after this incident. I'm not a total animal, but I do still enjoy recounting the story whenever the topic of anal beads is mentioned.

Toni 0:41:45 Which is often.

William 0:41:46 Yes. So, my question is this: what is the correct etiquette when picking random items off the floor with good intentions, only to discover they are something very different from what you expected? Cheers, Paul.

Jordan 0:41:56 Well, you do— that's another thing. You don't— you used to find dildos and stuff all the time.

William 0:42:01 I don't know if you did.

Ryan 0:42:02 Yeah.

Jordan 0:42:02 Porn mags and stuff. I don't know if you did. You did.

Ryan 0:42:05 Yeah.

Jordan 0:42:05 We found a stash of porn mags and like—

William 0:42:08 Was it mainly in your father's bed?

Jordan 0:42:10 No, it wasn't. That was in his— that was in the shed. No, no, don't, don't. I once said I found my dad's porn mags in the shed and I had to do an official apology. My mum went fucking mad.

Ryan 0:42:18 I bet.

Jordan 0:42:19 She went mad.

Ryan 0:42:20 I bet.

Jordan 0:42:20 She went proper— she's never forgiven me.

Toni 0:42:21 Porn's all good.

Jordan 0:42:22 Yeah, they weren't my dad's.

Ryan 0:42:24 Has your mum spoken to you since?

Jordan 0:42:25 Yeah, we speak all the time, but they weren't my dad's. They were, um, they were in the shed before we moved in.

Ryan 0:42:29 Oh, someone left them there. Gotcha.

Toni 0:42:30 Before we moved in 30 years ago.

Ryan 0:42:33 Let me come back to that in a second, but what would you say is your favourite type of comedy if you were to categorise it?

Jordan 0:42:38 Oh, I— Comedy, like, I like quite—

William 0:42:44 We like all the sort of the very

Jordan 0:42:45 dark

William 0:42:46 '70s, '80s, '90s sitcoms.

Ryan 0:42:48 Okay. I think the category of smell my finger and pull my finger.

Jordan 0:42:53 Yes.

Ryan 0:42:53 Highly underrated.

Toni 0:42:55 Yeah, right up my alley.

William 0:42:56 What category would you call that?

Ryan 0:42:57 That is the category.

William 0:42:58 Yeah.

Ryan 0:42:59 Right. And when the dad's running around with the idol beads saying, please smell my fingers.

Jordan 0:43:04 Smell

Ryan 0:43:05 my finger.

Jordan 0:43:05 That's good stuff. Dude, Officer Doofus, hey. You want to smell my finger? Off Scary Movie. Right. Officer Doofy.

Ryan 0:43:13 I've never heard Officer Doofy in a British accent before.

Jordan 0:43:16 Do you want to smell my finger? And he's like— That's good stuff. Uses the— You've never seen the film?

William 0:43:22 I've never seen Scary Movie.

Jordan 0:43:24 Did you ever watch Freddy Got Fingered?

Toni 0:43:25 Yes.

Jordan 0:43:26 These are like cult films that we grew up on. Daddy, would you like some sausage?

Ryan 0:43:31 Daddy, would you like some sausages?

Jordan 0:43:33 Yes.

William 0:43:34 Have you ever seen Mary Poppins?

Toni 0:43:35 I have.

William 0:43:36 Yes, it's a fantastic film.

Toni 0:43:37 I've been in Mary Poppins before.

William 0:43:39 It's my wet dream.

Toni 0:43:41 Thank you.

William 0:43:42 Where'd you meet her?

Toni 0:43:43 That's amazing.

William 0:43:47 You've been in Mary Poppins?

Toni 0:43:49 Yeah, in a ballet.

William 0:43:50 In a ballet? Who were you?

Toni 0:43:52 I was Mary Poppins.

William 0:43:53 You were Mary Poppins? How old were you? Tell me everything about this.

Toni 0:43:56 I was probably 15 or 16.

William 0:43:58 Okay.

Toni 0:43:59 Yes. Yeah. And I was doing ballet, RAD, for anybody that's interested in what type of ballet it was.

Ryan 0:44:04 Yeah.

William 0:44:04 Is that the Royal Australian—

Toni 0:44:05 Royal Academy of Dance. Oh, Royal Academy of Dance.

William 0:44:07 Thank you.

Toni 0:44:08 Yeah. And I played Mary Poppins. Yeah. So, when you said, have you seen something beautiful? Yes, I have.

William 0:44:14 Lovely. Thank you. Well, that's very nice. I'm very jealous of you. Are there photos?

Toni 0:44:19 Oh, no, I don't think so. That was back in the day.

Ryan 0:44:21 Do you guys know of here the Australian Children's Choir? There used to be these famous ads for Qantas, the airline, where the Australian Children's Choir got sent to New York and London Bridge and to the Outback, and they made these big, beautiful ads and they sung I Still Call Australia Home. Have you ever seen these?

Jordan 0:44:37 No.

Toni 0:44:37 It's really famous.

Ryan 0:44:38 So, Toni wanted to audition for that to be a part of this beautiful thing that happens every year, and her mum lied to her and said they don't let first girls I was in.

Toni 0:44:45 They were like, oh, I think it's only on the East Coast they do it. And I was like, well, I'm in WA, like, I won't be able to.

William 0:44:50 Yeah.

Ryan 0:44:52 Oh, so she had to play Mary Poppins instead. And it turns out—

William 0:44:54 Well, I think that's an upgrade. What?

Toni 0:44:58 I really take that as a compliment, but wow, the Qantas girl.

Ryan 0:45:01 The Still Call Australia Home is iconic.

Toni 0:45:03 Yeah, we recreated the ad and I sang All Around Australia.

William 0:45:06 Oh, you had your moment.

Ryan 0:45:08 Well, she re-auditioned at age 30 for the Australian Children's Choir, and it was a great audition. And the lady's like, the maximum age is 14. And Tony

Toni 0:45:15 was like, okay, do you know what we're really doing over there? Yeah, they—

Jordan 0:45:20 you guys are so great.

William 0:45:21 This has been so lovely.

Jordan 0:45:23 Oh, we're getting wrapped up. He's wrapping us up. Oh, he is? I wasn't, but that was amazing. Yeah, wow. There's nothing left on the screen. He does this, um, at parties, so dinner parties, because he's not— he drinks now. When I first met him, he didn't drink. So he will all be like getting on it, and I'll be like, where's your vodka? Yeah, which he never has in. And then you'll say something like,

William 0:45:40 can I get you anything else? Or my new favourite one, you must come again when you've got less time.

Jordan 0:45:47 Or he'll say—

Ryan 0:45:48 Oh no, what? Yeah, I'm actually gonna need to process that a little bit. That is—

William 0:45:52 No, but also, I don't mean— I'm not directing that at you. I'm just saying, that's okay.

Jordan 0:45:55 For me, he always says, we got much on tomorrow? I'm like, oh, you want me to go?

Toni 0:45:59 That's the tomorrow.

Jordan 0:46:00 That's—

Toni 0:46:01 yeah. Oh, so what's the plan for the rest of your week? That's—

William 0:46:04 oh, see, Yeah, exactly. And I— But I think it's better that than to go, fuck off, personally.

Jordan 0:46:09 Well, exactly.

William 0:46:10 Well, the other day—

Toni 0:46:11 Do you agree? Hey. I would never do that. I would just be like, stay as long as you want. Such a people pleaser.

Ryan 0:46:16 Toni would sit here for 16 hours for like—

Toni 0:46:20 Just because I wouldn't want to say like, please leave my fucking house.

Ryan 0:46:23 Yeah, she would just— Yeah. But thanks for having us, though.

William 0:46:26 It has been—

Toni 0:46:27 We better go.

Jordan 0:46:28 It's great. Have you ever had a snake in your house, by the way? 'Cause that's why one of my biggest fears is going to a strange house.

Ryan 0:46:32 She's

Toni 0:46:32 engaged.

Jordan 0:46:33 Yeah.

Ryan 0:46:35 Toni had a snake in her shower like a few weeks ago.

Jordan 0:46:37 Oh my God, this is what freaks me out. I'm so scared of them.

William 0:46:41 Well, we're never coming to Australia.

Jordan 0:46:42 I've been in a coffin full of them and I'm still scared.

Ryan 0:46:44 Oh no.

Toni 0:46:44 What did you do, I'm a Celebrity?

Jordan 0:46:45 Yes, I did I'm a Celebrity over here.

Ryan 0:46:47 I think Toni said that to be a dick, but it was true.

Toni 0:46:49 Yeah,

Jordan 0:46:49 it was true.

Toni 0:46:50 Well, when else would that come up?

Jordan 0:46:52 Yeah.

Ryan 0:46:53 So true. Yeah. Besides your shower.

Jordan 0:46:55 I just, the thought of coming home and knowing a snake could be under my bed.

Toni 0:46:57 Yeah, I had to call the snake catcher Yeah.

Jordan 0:46:59 Is that a thing?

Toni 0:47:00 Yeah.

Ryan 0:47:01 Well, Tony found one on Instagram and he's got this great—

Toni 0:47:03 The snake catcher. Yeah.

Ryan 0:47:05 Not the snake. And wasn't he just like the—

Toni 0:47:10 He was so chill. He was wonderful, but he was a lizard.

Jordan 0:47:13 Oh, okay.

Toni 0:47:14 Then I said, can you come get the lizard, please? And he said, nah, she'll be right.

Ryan 0:47:18 Just leave her. And hung up. She'll leave in her own time.

Toni 0:47:20 So, it's still there. That's why we're here.

William 0:47:22 How big was the lizard?

Toni 0:47:23 About this big.

William 0:47:24 That's quite— So, that's about sort of 5 inches, would you say?

Jordan 0:47:26 Have you had one in your house? Is that just a normal thing? Oh, we've had a

Ryan 0:47:31 literally kangaroos in our backyard because we've moved out of town.

William 0:47:34 How about crocodiles and alligators?

Ryan 0:47:35 Not in my backyard, uh, but crocodiles.

William 0:47:38 Yeah.

Jordan 0:47:39 Tony, Rainn, thank you so much. Thank you. This has been— we've just done a collaboration with Jonathan Fern Smith, uh, who's rubbish. Yeah, and that was shite compared to this. Yeah, rubbish. And remember, you can listen to new episodes every Tuesday and Friday.

William 0:47:50 Look forward to playing him this.

Jordan 0:47:51 And, uh, you play him that. And 24 hours before anyone else on Global Play. If you want to get in touch about something that isn't a dilemma or a No problem. Drop into our DMs, send us an email, help@sexwithmyboss.com. We also— this is really weird doing this with these two looking at us. Why am I doing this?

Ryan 0:48:03 I'm staring at you.

Jordan 0:48:03 We also love hearing back.

Ryan 0:48:04 You ignore us, we'll just chat amongst ourselves.

Jordan 0:48:06 We also love hearing back from the people we offer advice to. Get back in touch. That's you, get back in touch.

Ryan 0:48:10 Daddy, would you like some sausage?

Toni 0:48:12 Goodbye!

William 0:48:13 Goodbye! Bye!

Ryan 0:48:14 Would you like some sausage?

Jordan 0:48:15 That was so good!