Help I’m A West End Girl | And Jordy’s Rants

Jordan 0:01:49 Hello and welcome to Help, I Sexted My Boss, the podcast where we help you navigate the challenges of modern life, answering your 21st century questions and finding solutions to everyday dilemmas. Like, what should you do if your loud snoring is making your partner dream about being attacked by dinosaurs? How do you come to terms with knowing you haven't got the legs to pull off wearing Speedos? You could do it.

William 0:02:21 Thank you. I am actually— I have bought for my upcoming holiday, not Speedos, I've bought some quite short, um, swimming trunks.

Jordan 0:02:30 Oh yeah, called sluts. And what should you do if you've accidentally sexted your boss? But we're not usual agony aunts, are we, William Hanson?

William 0:02:38 No, we're not, Jordan North. I'm more Chatsworth House. You're more chats a load of shit. And that's from Benjamin.

Jordan 0:02:44 That hurt, but was also very funny, Benjamin.

William 0:02:47 You'd love Chatsworth House. It's lovely.

Jordan 0:02:49 Where is it?

William 0:02:49 Which one's that?

Jordan 0:02:50 Derbyshire. Is that—

William 0:02:51 Don't know if that's a Derbyshire accent.

Jordan 0:02:52 Is that Lady Chatterley's Lover? Is that what that one is?

William 0:02:54 No, it's— oh, I'm gonna forget which Duke and Duchess it's the ancestral home of. But it's very good. It's worth it. It's a nice day out. You'll know the one. If you— you'd know it by looking at

Jordan 0:03:03 it. Is it one of them where— being a bit tight on gin. Do you want a bit more gin? Yeah, go on. It's been a tough week. Is it one of them where you can actually go in and have a look around? Oh yeah, very much so. Or is it just a few rooms?

William 0:03:13 It's a big—

Jordan 0:03:14 'Cause the ones that annoy me are where they go, there's like a few rooms open, and then you go and look at gardens. Who wants to look at gardens?

William 0:03:21 And there are little pine cones on the chairs telling you not to sit on them.

Jordan 0:03:24 Yeah.

William 0:03:24 Always makes me laugh.

Jordan 0:03:25 And the gardens are fine, but I'd rather look in the house. I like seeing old furniture.

William 0:03:29 It's nice to do both.

Jordan 0:03:31 Gardens.

William 0:03:32 Oh, I think a garden can be— the Chatsworth Gardens are lovely.

Jordan 0:03:34 Do you ever do Chelsea Flower Show?

William 0:03:36 Funnily enough, I was going to be doing it this year, but for various reasons, I can't do it now.

Jordan 0:03:40 Have you ever been before?

William 0:03:41 No.

Jordan 0:03:42 I'd think Chelsea Flower Show, and I'd think you.

William 0:03:45 Surrounded by pandas.

Jordan 0:03:48 Yeah.

William 0:03:48 Yeah.

Jordan 0:03:49 I've never been.

William 0:03:49 No.

Jordan 0:03:50 What is it, just a show about flowers?

William 0:03:52 It is, in Chelsea.

Jordan 0:03:54 Is it still on BBC? Do they still show that? They do, yes.

William 0:03:57 Yeah. Yeah. Monty Don, and probably Monty Dong, my gardener, will be there.

Jordan 0:04:02 What's your favourite flower?

William 0:04:03 Well, peony, but I feel everybody likes peonies, and it is peony season now.

Jordan 0:04:08 Peony, they're a football team.

William 0:04:10 No, no.

Jordan 0:04:11 PNE, Preston North End.

William 0:04:12 No, and definitely not—

Jordan 0:04:13 Peony, peony, peony. Is it not a Cockney song? No, it's a lovely delicate flower. Or Nob End songs. Can I see a picture of a peony? Can I

William 0:04:21 see a peony?

Jordan 0:04:22 Do you wanna see my

William 0:04:23 peony? Yeah, I'd love to see your peony. Peonies.

Jordan 0:04:25 Oh, I can't see. Oh, they're pink roses, aren't they?

William 0:04:28 They're not pink roses, they're peonies.

Jordan 0:04:29 Oh, they're nice. I like lilies.

William 0:04:32 Funeral flower.

Jordan 0:04:33 No, they're not. Or daffodils.

William 0:04:35 Now, I've said it before, when I used to write for the Daily Mail, daffodils in flower beds, upmarket. Daffodils in pots, common.

Jordan 0:04:45 Yeah. What other flowers do you think's common?

William 0:04:49 Oh, I mean, how long did you have— Gladioli are pretty common, but Dame Edna sort of made them acceptable in an ironic way. Do you like butter?

Jordan 0:04:57 Do you remember them ones?

William 0:04:58 Buttercups. Yeah. Okay. They're more weeds, but rather than a flower.

Jordan 0:05:03 That's it.

William 0:05:03 Butter. It's a flowering weed.

Jordan 0:05:05 Daffodils used to make you piss bed. No, dandelions used to make you piss bed.

William 0:05:08 Okay.

Jordan 0:05:09 Remember that? Don't pick dandelions, they'll make you piss the bed.

William 0:05:11 What else is quite common? Busy Lizzies. They're quite common.

Jordan 0:05:16 A few of them.

William 0:05:17 Gerberas. I can't stand gerberas.

Jordan 0:05:20 They're always bloody getting sunbeds on holiday, aren't they?

William 0:05:23 No, that's Germans.

Jordan 0:05:23 Oh, right. Sorry. Do my head in as well.

William 0:05:28 Anyway, what's your favourite flower? Other than a lily.

Jordan 0:05:31 Lily. I'm not really into flowers.

William 0:05:34 Oh, shush, shush, shush.

Jordan 0:05:35 I'm not, I'm not. Someone bought me flowers once. I was like—

William 0:05:39 I've often bought you flowers.

Jordan 0:05:40 Oh, was it you? It was, it was, it was.

William 0:05:45 I always send you flowers.

Jordan 0:05:46 I know. Just send me some cake next time or something. Cake? No, I'm joking. Anyway, let's do a toast.

William 0:05:53 Yes, this week's toast goes to Chris from his husband, Chris, who said, I just want to request a shout-out to my husband. It'd really cheer him up, as he's literally saved my life more than once. He's addicted to your podcast. His name is Chris Parvin-Walsh. We double-barrelled when we got married, so we're both Christopher Parvin-Walsh. Well, I know gays are known as, you know, a little bit narcissistic, but that's taking it to a whole new level.

Jordan 0:06:17 No, it's cute. Could you go— would you marry— if Mikey was called William, would you have married him?

William 0:06:21 Well, yeah, 'cause he would be William Worrell, and I'd be William Hanson.

Jordan 0:06:24 Yeah, no, but just—

William 0:06:25 But they've double-barrelled.

Jordan 0:06:25 Could you go out with someone with the same name?

William 0:06:28 Yeah, I probably could.

Jordan 0:06:29 Do you know what I've only just realised? Blows my mind. You know Ben and Cat, This Morning?

William 0:06:33 Yes.

Jordan 0:06:33 Ben and Cat.

William 0:06:34 I mean, we realised that a while ago, but

Jordan 0:06:36 yes. You and Cat are Ben and Cat from This Morning, and also you're Ben and Cat from Sexton.

William 0:06:42 Yeah. Which one's more iconic?

Jordan 0:06:45 Please don't associate me with ITV daytime, Jordan. Different ladies, not fraternity.

William 0:06:51 Well, let's toast Chris. Parvin Walsh. He was a Parvin, he was a Walsh. Suddenly the hyphenation.

Jordan 0:06:56 His name was Chris Parvin Walsh. He had my name too. And whenever we go out, the people always shout, there goes Chris Parvin Walsh.

William 0:07:06 That was actually very melodic.

Jordan 0:07:07 Do you remember John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt?

William 0:07:11 I only remember it from you.

Jordan 0:07:12 He had my name too. Is it off Recess? And whenever we go out, the people always shout, there goes John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt. Yes. Salud.

William 0:07:22 Bottoms up. Thank you very much. Now, very excitingly, Jordan, this coming Friday, we are going to be doing, and it's going to be a real head twist for me, we're going to be doing the long-awaited collaboration episode with The Luxury Podcast, which is my other podcast.

Jordan 0:07:42 Yes. With Jonathan Vernon-Smith, who's our mutual friend. William introduced me to Jonathan Vernon-Smith a few years ago. I absolutely love the guy. I think he's so funny.

William 0:07:51 Well, it's going to It'd be very odd having both of my podcast husbands in the same room together.

Jordan 0:07:57 You know, it's weird that you've got another podcast, very similar to this one, with another radio host.

William 0:08:02 With the letter J.

Jordan 0:08:03 Yeah.

William 0:08:04 Yeah.

Jordan 0:08:04 What's going on there?

William 0:08:05 I don't know. I'm sure— maybe I should talk about that with my therapist.

Jordan 0:08:08 How did that come about?

William 0:08:09 Well, I've known— I actually think I met Jonathan the same year I met you, which also makes it weird.

Jordan 0:08:15 That probably makes sense, doesn't it? What year did we meet? 2011?

William 0:08:20 Yeah, '11. Yeah, '11, and then again in '12. Or was it '10 and then in '12?

Jordan 0:08:24 No, it'd be 2009.

William 0:08:24 No, it'd be the Olympics.

Jordan 0:08:25 Jesus Christ.

William 0:08:27 Yeah. 'Cause Jonathan used to book me, and then everyone used to sort of say that I was basically a mini him. And so eventually on Twitter, back in the day when Twitter was a nice place, and you were able to DM and go, should we go out for a cup of coffee? And we just became very good friends.

Jordan 0:08:42 Did he take you out in Soho and get you pissed?

William 0:08:44 Not on that occasion, but yes, he has previously.

Jordan 0:08:46 Sorry, that makes me sound a bit dodgy now.

William 0:08:48 No, no, no. It was 4 o'clock in the afternoon. It was back in the day before he had dogs, and he could just sort of do the show and then come in went to Soho, and people thought he'd date raped me. He hadn't. It's just I had not had any food that day, had half a gin and tonic.

Jordan 0:09:04 Well, that took a turn.

William 0:09:05 And yeah.

Jordan 0:09:06 You were paralytic.

William 0:09:08 I was paralytic. He had to order me a bread basket, and I had to demolish the whole thing. Really? So yeah, getting drunk in Soho, it's completely behind me.

Jordan 0:09:14 So we're gonna do that on Friday. You're gonna hear what happened.

William 0:09:17 Yes, indeed. That'll be a lovely episode.

Jordan 0:09:20 That'll be fun. Do you— I used to do an impression of him, but yours is better. Go on, do your impression. This is what you can expect. Jonathan always— the thing

William 0:09:27 thing is that we say on the Luxury Podcast is when Jonathan and I will go out for dinner, he'll look at a menu, and I know what he's— this is why Jonathan and I, in many ways, we're very similar. You and I are very similar, but we'll talk about this more on Friday. But Jonathan will read it, spend 10 minutes reading the menu, often with his glasses on the end of the nose, with his torch out, because he's a bit older than me. Age. Yeah. And then just go, I think I'll have the burger. Which is— and it's just, just order the burger. Don't bother reading the menu. Just have the burger. He loves a burger. He can tell a tale. You know one

Jordan 0:09:59 A

William 0:10:01 radio presenter with the letter J who can tell a tale and is quite funny. I have very diverse friends.

Jordan 0:10:07 He's also very private as well.

William 0:10:09 Yeah.

Jordan 0:10:09 It's a bit weird, isn't it? I know.

William 0:10:13 Yes.

Ben 0:10:13 Hi, guys.

William 0:10:14 Hi there. Oh, hello, Ben.

Jordan 0:10:16 Hi, Ben.

Ben 0:10:16 William, you had a nice sentence to describe the difference between the 2 podcasts, didn't you?

William 0:10:20 Yes. So, Sex Ed is chalk and cheese, whereas Luxury is cheese and wine. Which makes me the cheese.

Jordan 0:10:30 At last. Okay, and what sort of cheese? I don't know how to take that, but all right. What sort of cheese?

William 0:10:33 Well, chalk and cheese, because we're, you know, on the surface we're different, aren't we?

Jordan 0:10:36 We are.

William 0:10:36 Yeah.

Jordan 0:10:37 We started off.

William 0:10:38 Started off different.

Jordan 0:10:39 We are different. Become quite similar. We're very different. Yeah. We spend like the— we are— people say, we joke and say, oh, you're the posh one now. We are so different. How we spend our weekends.

William 0:10:48 Yep.

Jordan 0:10:49 How we like dress, how we talk, what we're into. You know, it's all very different. But anyway, yeah, what sort of cheese would you be?

William 0:11:01 Um, Reblochon. It's my favourite type of cheese. A luxury, upmarket one with a slightly difficult name that keeps the riffraff away.

Jordan 0:11:07 See, my favourite cheese is Dairy Lee. I'm not even kidding.

William 0:11:10 Oh no, it's not anymore.

Jordan 0:11:11 It is! I like a Port Salut, but it's— I just—

William 0:11:15 Chaume. That's that cheese I brought in today.

Jordan 0:11:17 Dairy Lee cheese slices is honestly my favourite cheese.

William 0:11:20 To be fair, we've had— Micah's niece and nephew staying with us recently, and we had to buy lots of little Babybels for them, because they like a Babybel. There are some left over. I think I like a Babybel.

Jordan 0:11:29 But the lighter blue ones are less calories, and they're good.

William 0:11:33 They do light blue— what? Fewer calories, but what?

Jordan 0:11:36 Yes, they do the lighter blue ones. They're just as good.

William 0:11:39 And they're few— they're sort of diet.

Jordan 0:11:41 For your elevenses, that with a bit of ham and some crackers before your tea.

William 0:11:44 Well, I think cheese and ham, any type of cheese and ham. Preferably— we did this with our Lunchables posh versus common thing. You know, I did the more at-market cheese and ham, you did ultra-processed, didn't you?

Jordan 0:11:56 Yeah. Yeah. Again, I've not changed. That's my favourite.

William 0:11:59 Okay, well, that's good to hear.

Jordan 0:12:00 We're looking forward to that with Jonathan.

William 0:12:03 Yes.

Jordan 0:12:03 We are.

William 0:12:04 What's going on with you?

Jordan 0:12:05 Oh, you know, it's been another mad busy week. I know I keep talking about it, but this jet washing thing now is It's turned into a bit of an obsession.

William 0:12:15 And 'cause you messaged me over the weekend asking about Wet Forget. Yeah. And if you needed a sprayer.

Jordan 0:12:20 Yeah.

William 0:12:21 So I sent you the link. I did wonder whether when you sent me that message, were you then expecting me to order the sprayer for you and it to turn up? No, I was hoping— I didn't.

Jordan 0:12:28 No.

William 0:12:28 I just sent you the link.

Jordan 0:12:29 You sent me the link to Wet Forget?

William 0:12:30 No, I sent you the link to the sprayer.

Jordan 0:12:32 Oh, so what have I ordered?

William 0:12:35 Well, I dunno. I sent you the link to the sprayer.

Jordan 0:12:36 Oh.

William 0:12:37 It's just an empty spray bottle and you mix up your solution and put it in.

Jordan 0:12:40 Oh, well, I just ordered the Wet Forget, but then it turns out you don't— if you've got a jet wash, you don't need that.

William 0:12:45 Mm.

Jordan 0:12:45 So—

William 0:12:46 No, Jet Wash takes off the surface layer, and then Wet& Forget goes in.

Jordan 0:12:50 Oh, should I put that down after?

William 0:12:52 Yes. Jet Wash first.

Jordan 0:12:53 Bollocks!

William 0:12:54 No, you don't need to do it immediately after. If you've Jet Washed, that's fine. Just do it this weekend.

Jordan 0:12:58 Yeah, but then it's a week for all the dirt to get on it.

William 0:13:00 I think in a week, it's gonna be okay.

Jordan 0:13:02 Look at that. Absolutely gleaming. Look at those flags.

William 0:13:06 Lovely. Put your Wet& Forget on there.

Jordan 0:13:07 I was out there. Look, I did all walls. Put a picture up for you. Look, look how nice gardener come as well.

William 0:13:16 Oh, you found one?

Jordan 0:13:17 Yeah, come off.

William 0:13:17 Okay, what's your gardener called?

Jordan 0:13:19 Off TaskRabbit. What was his name? Tom.

William 0:13:23 Tom.

Jordan 0:13:24 Really nice guy. He was 3 hours late.

William 0:13:27 What?

Jordan 0:13:28 Yes.

William 0:13:28 I would absolutely have sacked him.

Jordan 0:13:29 Yeah, I, I was close to being, but he was, he, he was a young lad and he was very apologetic and I wasn't doing anything. I was a bit annoyed, but when he arrived—

William 0:13:38 Did he even say sorry?

Jordan 0:13:38 As soon as he was, I am so sorry.

William 0:13:40 Had he communicated he was late?

Jordan 0:13:42 Yeah, and then he, he said, I'm I'm so sorry, my last job overrun. I was so confused. And then he stayed till, um, he stayed till about 6, 7 o'clock. Stayed over? No, but he did a really good job.

William 0:13:55 Okay, good.

Jordan 0:13:55 Cracking job.

William 0:13:56 Do your wet and forget this weekend.

Jordan 0:13:57 I will do.

William 0:13:58 It'll see you through it, and then you do it again in sort of September, October. That'll see it through the winter.

Jordan 0:14:02 Okay, I will, I will do it because it's— I really, really want to start full-time jet washing.

William 0:14:07 Okay.

Jordan 0:14:08 It's my new thing.

William 0:14:09 It's, it's very therapeutic.

Jordan 0:14:10 I want to. It's so therapeutic.

William 0:14:11 But this is probably why you like cleaning in general.

Jordan 0:14:13 I want to write me name in Thingies and everything. I was blasting it, and then I did a whole top drain. But what you can't do with a jet washer ain't worth knowing. I've ordered some new stones as well to put into—

William 0:14:26 New stones?

Jordan 0:14:27 Pebbles and all them little things. Oh.

William 0:14:29 And to be fair to a jet wash, it makes a fantastic douche.

Jordan 0:14:32 I would not recommend that.

William 0:14:35 You'll never need to douche again.

Jordan 0:14:37 No, I put— don't shove a jet wash up your arse.

William 0:14:40 No, we're not recommending it. It was a joke.

Jordan 0:14:42 I know I keep talking about it, but I'm— from now on, when I'm stressed, I'm just gonna go out and jet wash.

William 0:14:47 I think probably jet washers, professional jet washers get in touch. You can probably over-jet wash the same area.

Jordan 0:14:55 Do you want me to come round to your house and jet wash?

William 0:14:56 No, 'cause I've done wet and forget.

Jordan 0:14:57 Yeah, but I want to jet wash for you.

William 0:14:59 And my friend Munkle did it for us anyway. Last year, before you got into jet washing. It was his housewarming gift to

Jordan 0:15:04 us. How could you? What? He came round with a jet washer?

William 0:15:07 He said, for Ellie and his housewarming gift, he will come and jet wash our house.

Jordan 0:15:10 That's so lovely!

William 0:15:11 I think it's a lovely idea.

Jordan 0:15:12 Do you know, my friends I always remember at a wedding, my mate got married and one of the guests said, look, we're a bit skint at the moment, um, if paint and decorate— I think I told you this, but I'll, I'll do your living room. And he did it.

William 0:15:26 Donate your time.

Jordan 0:15:26 Did it. I thought that was so sweet that they did that.

William 0:15:29 Totally.

Jordan 0:15:30 That's very— I do not— Ben, do you want me to come around and jet wash?

Ben 0:15:34 I told you I've already jet washed. That's why we set up BJ Services.

Jordan 0:15:38 All right. Izzy, do you want me to come around and jet wash? Yeah, just get me a couple of cans in and we'll do jet. I want us to get some beers in and take our tops off and jet wash. I don't know why I mentioned that.

William 0:15:50 Again, hello Freud.

Jordan 0:15:51 Who's Freud?

William 0:15:52 Don't worry, look him up.

Jordan 0:15:54 Who's Freud? Well, he's not alive now. I've been jet washing. Um, also I'm quite worried. I want to get your opinion on this. Been in the news a lot. Yeah, over the past few weeks I've been seeing a lot of videos. They might be banning the, the famous airport pint.

William 0:16:08 Well, good, good.

Jordan 0:16:09 I can see both sides.

William 0:16:11 Anytime, or like in the morning?

Jordan 0:16:13 In the morning. So Iomhann Ó Leary from Ryanair, yeah, has said that they need to ban airport pints, especially in the mornings, because it's the only place— because airports have different licensing rules, so it's the only place in the country where you can like get a pint at 6 in the morning. Okay, which is great, but some knobheads are ruining it for the rest of them, apparently. He's saying now, like, one flight a week's being diverted, a Ryanair flight. And have you seen some of these horror stories? But they're ruining it for everyone else, 'cause there's nothing better than getting to an airport and having a pint.

William 0:16:45 Can I just ask, is this news story any coincidence that a couple of weeks ago, your brothers were out in Benidorm?

Jordan 0:16:51 No, they—

William 0:16:52 Has that planted the seed in Michael O'Leary's head?

Jordan 0:16:54 They're well-behaved.

William 0:16:56 Were they patient zero?

Jordan 0:16:56 They weren't patient zero. But they did fly Ryanair, actually.

William 0:17:01 Well, there we go. Can I say on that, I wouldn't worry, because I'm fairly convinced— we'll just absolutely fact-check this. 'Cause you remember years ago, Michael O'Leary came out and said they were going to charge people to go to the loo on a Ryanair flight. He subsequently then came and said, I just basically said that to get headlines for Ryanair. This sounds like one of those.

Jordan 0:17:18 No, no, no, no.

William 0:17:19 No, this absolutely sounds like one of those.

Jordan 0:17:20 He's genuinely— and a lot of air stewards, What are they called? Cabin crew.

William 0:17:26 Yeah, a

Jordan 0:17:26 lot of cabin crew are saying it as well. You do see some of these videos of people on the way to— oh, it's awful. I don't mind the ones where everyone, they've got a boombox or a Bluetooth speaker and everyone's like, uh, venga. But you know the ones going to—

William 0:17:38 What?

Jordan 0:17:38 Have you not seen it?

William 0:17:40 I would absolutely die.

Jordan 0:17:42 You'd be that one person. But it's like, it's usually a flight to Ibiza. Yeah, they've got like a Bluetooth speaker and everyone's like, uh, venga, but everyone's like, whoa, whoa, that looks fun.

William 0:17:51 Now you don't get that on British Airways.

Jordan 0:17:52 That you do.

William 0:17:54 Not on the flights I've been on.

Jordan 0:17:55 I'm kind of like, can see where it is, so I wanted your thoughts on it. Do you think they should ban— Yep. All— you should—

William 0:18:02 Before 12.

Jordan 0:18:02 Before 12?

William 0:18:04 Before 12.

Jordan 0:18:05 What are you gonna do with your Wetherspoons breakfast?

William 0:18:06 Have a coffee, have a tea.

Jordan 0:18:09 Don't be boring.

William 0:18:09 Nice glass of orange juice.

Jordan 0:18:11 So I'm gonna put out a warning, right, to all those knobs that get too drunk at airports. Don't ruin it for the rest of us, because some of us like just 1 or 2 drinks before. It's part of the fun, it starts your holiday. So don't go on and start scrapping. Behave yourself. yourself.

William 0:18:24 The thing—

Jordan 0:18:25 Not like you've been dragged up. When you're kicking off on these flights, think of your mothers. What would your mother say? That's what I do. That's what keeps me in check. I'm not a religious man. I don't think, what would God do? I think, what would Wendy say about this?

William 0:18:36 Right. You always think that, do you?

Jordan 0:18:38 Yeah.

William 0:18:39 Okay. I would suggest—

Jordan 0:18:41 Right in from Psycho, aren't I? Norman Bates. Mother says.

William 0:18:45 I would like to say maybe you could bring in legislation that people are only allowed one beer before a flight, even from 6 AM. But the trouble is, people will abuse that, and then how do you police it as well? And that's gonna be a complete waste of time. So I would just say, you ban alcohol at airports before 12 o'clock.

Jordan 0:19:02 No, that ruins it for the rest of us!

William 0:19:04 Well, so what? Have a beer before you leave the house.

Jordan 0:19:06 We have time bans for gobshites that start kicking off.

William 0:19:08 No, because again, airports have got enough to do without— they've got losing luggage and stuff to do. They don't want to be doing that.

Jordan 0:19:14 Don't ruin it for everyone else. You know, for World Cup, Well, pubs are allowed to serve till 2 AM.

William 0:19:18 Or don't have a drink before you get on the flight. You don't need that.

Jordan 0:19:23 Are you buzzing for the World Cup?

William 0:19:25 Jordan, I am absolutely beside myself with excitement. It

Jordan 0:19:30 still annoys me that last time England were in the final, you had people over for a dinner. Why didn't you cancel it? And didn't you have it on in the background or something?

William 0:19:37 Yeah, Jo and Luke came over. Yeah. And Jo surprised us all by saying, I'd like to watch the football. I'm sorry. So we did, we allowed him.

Jordan 0:19:47 Okay.

William 0:19:48 We tried to be interested.

Jordan 0:19:49 Ben, we'll do a BJ's jet washing footy. We'll jet wash and we'll watch the footy together with our tops off.

Ben 0:19:57 The whole time with our tops off. Can't wait.

Jordan 0:19:59 Okay, you can come and watch, Izzy.

Ben 0:20:00 The football or the—

Jordan 0:20:02 The jet washing. Like a daggit Coke advert. I don't want you, be okay. Ah, just— well, the G&D would love to see a jet washing video of— bring your jet wash to my house and we'll film it.

William 0:20:15 Well, hang on, you've got a jet wash. Why does he have to bring it?

Jordan 0:20:17 Jet washer?

Ben 0:20:18 I don't have a jet wash. I don't have one yet.

William 0:20:20 He had to borrow his father-in-law's.

Jordan 0:20:21 Oh, well, I'll come round and do it then. Never mind your father-in-law's.

Ben 0:20:26 You could buy me a jet wash.

Jordan 0:20:29 Fucking— I'm fucking made of money. Christ.

William 0:20:31 Have you seen that there is a new documentary coming to Netflix about Kylie Minogue?

Jordan 0:20:38 I have seen this.

William 0:20:39 You see, we've put her back in the zeitgeist all of a sudden, and now she's cashing in.

Jordan 0:20:44 She got a number one album. We didn't put her in the zeitgeist. And she's been—

William 0:20:47 I think we did.

Jordan 0:20:47 She's been very popular for 4 decades.

William 0:20:50 Not arguing with that. I just don't think it's a coincidence that since we did our little Kylie montage on tour, now she's back with a documentary.

Jordan 0:20:59 Alright.

William 0:21:00 I just— some credit would be nice.

Jordan 0:21:02 Okay.

William 0:21:02 We probably might be in the credits, in which case I'll let her off.

Jordan 0:21:05 Okay.

William 0:21:05 It's out in a couple of weeks.

Jordan 0:21:06 Next time I speak to her later. Yeah. She's one of my favourite guests to interview. Hey, speaking of documentaries, have you watched that Should I Marry You? Murderer on Netflix?

William 0:21:14 No, because I'm already married, so I don't need to ask the question.

Jordan 0:21:16 You— have you watched it? Oh, you'll like it, right? She meets this guy and then he confesses. Is this true? Yeah, and he confesses a murder to her in Scotland. Oh, it's good. It'll get— it'll have you asking many a question at the end. It's, it's, it's, it's really good.

William 0:21:31 Okay.

Jordan 0:21:31 Yeah, I highly recommend it.

William 0:21:32 I did see it when it popped up on the TV and I went, oh.

Jordan 0:21:35 No, no, no, it's good.

William 0:21:36 It's got murder in the title. I'm interested, but I will I thought it was a drama.

Jordan 0:21:40 And I watched that, The Cage, with Sheridan Smith. That's pretty good.

William 0:21:44 Oh, really? Is that on ITV?

Jordan 0:21:46 That's on iPlayer. Okay. And there's something else I finished recently, but that was really good.

Ben 0:21:51 Would you marry a murderer?

Jordan 0:21:52 We've all got our faults, and it depends. It depends what and how.

William 0:22:01 Okay, would you— let's—

Jordan 0:22:02 Give me a scenario.

William 0:22:03 Let's work backwards. Would you marry an arsonist?

Jordan 0:22:07 It depends again. Okay. If they burnt down— like, if, if you said to me, look, George, I feel like we're really going places here, I just want a confession to make. It's like, what? Yeah. It's like, when I was younger, I was really pissed off with my boss, so I burnt the factory down. No one died. I did a few years in prison. Yeah. I'd be like, right, we all make stupid mistakes. But if you said, I burnt down a school, I'd be like, that's a bit different. So it depends. So

William 0:22:34 Would you marry a kleptomaniac?

Jordan 0:22:37 What do they do?

William 0:22:38 A thief.

Jordan 0:22:39 Well, a thief? Yeah. I don't know, 'cause I don't like thieving. I think it's one of the worst things you can do. I mean, arson's pretty bad.

William 0:22:48 And also, I think murder.

Jordan 0:22:50 See, I could forgive a murderer, but not a burglar.

William 0:22:53 How a— what? I'm sorry, what?

Jordan 0:22:56 Well, maybe no. What?

William 0:22:57 Do you want to just retract that?

Jordan 0:22:59 Well, I just think one of the scummiest things— I know loads of people that have been burgled. I think one of the scummiest things you can do is go into someone's home and burgle.

William 0:23:06 Yeah, go into their home and shoot their dog.

Jordan 0:23:08 No, not steal and wreck it and stuff like that. Because once you've got in someone's home, it's hard to feel safe. No, I don't think I'd ever— I don't know. We've all got pasts. I don't know why we're getting into it. I probably wouldn't marry a murderer.

William 0:23:20 Would you marry someone committed for manslaughter?

Jordan 0:23:22 Again, look, I'm a reasonable— Yeah. It all depends, because you've got to think of the victims, the victim's family. What— define manslaughter.

William 0:23:34 Well, manslaughter is where you kill someone, but you didn't intend to.

Jordan 0:23:36 So like in an accident in a car.

William 0:23:38 Yeah.

Ben 0:23:39 Like William, who didn't aerate his tank, so murdered his girlfriend.

William 0:23:43 Yes.

Jordan 0:23:43 Well, that sort of manslaughter, I'd be like, that's fine. A murderer? Probably not.

William 0:23:49 Okay. So probably the answer to, should I marry a murderer, is no.

Jordan 0:23:52 Yeah.

William 0:23:53 Yeah. Well, good. We've all learnt something on this podcast.

Jordan 0:23:59 Would— yeah, probably. Actually, people that break the law, it's kind of a red flag, innit?

William 0:24:05 I think it's a red flag, yeah.

Jordan 0:24:07 Would you marry a murderer?

William 0:24:08 No.

Jordan 0:24:09 Would you marry an arsonist?

William 0:24:10 No.

Jordan 0:24:10 Would you marry a—

William 0:24:12 You'd be worried about the arsonist when they go, gosh, this relationship's really on fire.

Jordan 0:24:17 Would you marry someone that committed fraud?

William 0:24:20 No.

Jordan 0:24:21 Would you not?

William 0:24:22 No.

Jordan 0:24:23 Only a bit of fraud. Which is obviously terrible.

William 0:24:26 Well, we'll be taking a close look at Jordan's tax return.

Jordan 0:24:29 Would you marry a tax dodger?

William 0:24:31 No.

Jordan 0:24:31 Yeah, that winds me up as well. People that don't pay their

William 0:24:35 tax. In other news, I've been sitting on something for a while, and I'd like to tell you.

Jordan 0:24:40 Oh, I wondered— oh. Oh, not physically.

William 0:24:43 Not physically. Metaphorically.

Jordan 0:24:45 Oh, I was gonna say.

William 0:24:46 It's not normally how I do it.

Jordan 0:24:47 Usually it's like you've gotta put them up your arse, but now— Okay. Well…

William 0:24:52 So, bit of news, everybody. I, starting on the 9th of June—

Jordan 0:24:58 That is—

William 0:25:01 Only a matter of weeks' time.

Jordan 0:25:02 That's a Tuesday.

William 0:25:04 It is a Tuesday. Well done, you!

Ben 0:25:06 2 days before the World Cup starts.

William 0:25:07 Exactly. So there is the World Cup. This is my World Cup. It's been a bizarre turn of events. And everybody— well, not everybody in this room knows, but a lot of people in this room know, other than you,

Jordan 0:25:19 Oh, God. Are you getting divorced? No. 'Cause this was like when you got engaged.

William 0:25:24 No, on the 9th of June, I shall be joining the Western cast of Titanic.

Jordan 0:25:30 Are you actually?

William 0:25:33 Yes.

Jordan 0:25:34 Are you really?

William 0:25:36 Yeah.

Jordan 0:25:36 Oh, that's great. What are you doing?

William 0:25:38 I'm gonna be Céline. No, I'm not. I'm—

Jordan 0:25:40 Are you gonna be in Titanic?

William 0:25:42 I'm gonna be in Titanic.

Jordan 0:25:43 Oh, I'll have to come and see you.

William 0:25:44 That would be nice, yes.

Jordan 0:25:45 That's a— oh, give us a cuddle. Oh, well done!

William 0:25:49 Thank you, darling.

Jordan 0:25:49 Are you actually— what, you're gonna be in it?

William 0:25:51 I'm gonna be Ruth.

Jordan 0:25:51 Who's Ruth?

William 0:25:53 Uh, Kate Winslet's mother.

Jordan 0:25:55 Oh, so you've got a part!

William 0:25:57 Yes, it's a non-singing role, everyone will be pleased to know.

Jordan 0:26:01 And is that every night?

William 0:26:02 8 shows a week.

Jordan 0:26:04 Oh my God!

William 0:26:05 For 6 weeks only.

Jordan 0:26:06 You're gonna actually, for the first time ever, have a proper job! I'm— oh my— are you gonna be all right? It's a lot, it's a big commitment. You can fuck off. Yeah, fuck off. Do you know how many hours I did last week? Just saying. Anyway, that's amazing. Thank you very much. How long you doing it for? How long?

William 0:26:22 6 weeks.

Jordan 0:26:23 6 weeks?

William 0:26:24 So this is the part previously vacated by Tom Allen.

Jordan 0:26:26 Yeah.

William 0:26:27 So obviously the team of Tom Allen is going to be taking over for them. And I'm incredibly nervous.

Jordan 0:26:33 You'll be fine.

William 0:26:35 I did not see it coming, if I'm honest. It was not something— it just sort of happened, and it's happened so quickly. But I am so excited. I'm very grateful for whoever It's amazing. Thought of me to do it. And it's gonna be something different, because it's, you know, I've gotta learn a script. I've gotta learn a script.

Jordan 0:26:52 How— is it quite a big script?

William 0:26:54 It's an ensemble piece. So, I mean, there are a lot— we're all sort of on it for basically the same sort of time. Because you— because we were meant to go and see it together, but then you had to do something. I can't remember what it was. So we went with Izzy and Ben and Mikey.

Jordan 0:27:08 So— I think I had work commitments.

William 0:27:09 You did have work commitments. So you can now come and see it. Starting on the 9th of June at the Criterion Theatre.

Jordan 0:27:15 That's amazing. I'll let you settle in and then I'll come and see you when you're—

William 0:27:19 Yeah, I have said, Mikey can come to show 1 because he is my husband. But other than that, if everyone that knows me very well could just give it a couple of days.

Jordan 0:27:26 Yeah, let you settle in. I am so chuffed. Yeah. Thank you very much. This is very well— You're going to be a West End star.

William 0:27:32 Thank you.

Jordan 0:27:33 Oh, wow.

William 0:27:34 It has just got 4 Tony nominations on Broadway. There are rumours of a Broadway transfer for me already.

Jordan 0:27:41 Is there actually?

William 0:27:42 No, there aren't. I haven't even done it in the West End yet, for God's sake.

Jordan 0:27:44 So how many lines have you got?

William 0:27:45 I don't know, they haven't actually sent me the script.

Jordan 0:27:47 Is it quite a lot?

William 0:27:48 It's a meaty part to get my teeth round.

Jordan 0:27:51 Are you playing a woman?

William 0:27:53 Yes.

Jordan 0:27:54 How are you doing— is it drag?

William 0:27:54 I don't know.

Jordan 0:27:55 Oh, this is— I'm so happy for you.

William 0:27:57 I have to have a headband with a bird's nest on my head and wear a pearl necklace.

Jordan 0:28:02 Well, you've got that in your cupboard.

William 0:28:05 Got the done underneath here.

Jordan 0:28:06 I'm so chuffed for you.

William 0:28:08 Thank you very much.

Jordan 0:28:08 You've always wanted to be on— since you were a little girl, you've always wanted to be on the West End, haven't you?

William 0:28:13 Um, well, yes and no. It's just something I never thought—

Jordan 0:28:16 This is so good for you.

William 0:28:17 Thank you. Something I never thought would happen. Um, and I was asked originally, and I thought, oh God, do I want to do this? And then actually, the more I thought about it, I went, yeah, I would quite like to do this.

Jordan 0:28:29 You're big time now, son.

William 0:28:31 Oh,

Jordan 0:28:31 I'm gonna wait

William 0:28:32 for 6 weeks.

Jordan 0:28:33 I'm gonna wait backstage when you come out the entrance and get your autograph.

William 0:28:35 Oh, bless you.

Jordan 0:28:37 I am, yeah.

William 0:28:38 No, that is separate backstage for me.

Jordan 0:28:40 Oh, is it?

William 0:28:40 Yeah, just to bypass you.

Jordan 0:28:41 Congratulations. Thank you. That's amazing. I was gonna ask you if having a butter dish was posh, but I think—

William 0:28:47 Save it for next episode.

Jordan 0:28:48 Save it for next episode.

William 0:28:49 You've gotta give them something to listen to.

Jordan 0:28:50 I was gonna ask you about butter dishes, but I want, I want, before we go to the break, William Hudson, everybody.

William 0:28:56 Bless you.

Speaker F 0:28:57 Our little West End star.

William 0:28:59 West End girl.

Jordan 0:29:00 West End Wendy.

Speaker F 0:29:02 Alexa, play West End Girls.

Speaker G 0:29:04 West End Girls by Pet Shop Boys on Amazon Music.

William 0:29:10 We're gonna have to pay for this.

Jordan 0:29:11 We'll pay it. It's worth every penny for you. Oh, it's got a long intro. Wait, I'll just do it on my phone, for fuck's sake.

William 0:29:19 If you want to buy your tickets, of course, you can just search Titanique London wherever you buy your tickets. Come and see me.

Jordan 0:29:27 In town of the dead-end girls, East End boys and West End girls.

William 0:29:33 East End boy. In a West End

Jordan 0:29:36 town, in a dead-end world. East End boys and West End girls.

William 0:29:43 West End girls.

Jordan 0:29:44 There we go.

William 0:29:45 Oh, thank you.

Jordan 0:29:50 Thank you.

William 0:29:50 Seamless.

Jordan 0:29:51 That was a moment right there.

William 0:29:52 Oh, bless you.

Jordan 0:29:53 You're a West End boy, West End girl. All right.

William 0:29:55 You know what, it is going to be lovely to do— because every time we do a Sex Ed tour, and obviously the more recent one was only 4 nights, I'm always like, Like, like, my life isn't—

Jordan 0:30:02 Oh, I've been on about 10 minutes now. I remember my first West End show. Bloody hell, come on. We gotta do Jolly Joke at week and everything else.

William 0:30:08 It's just nice to be able to do something repeatedly, which is nice, 'cause like I always want to do more shows when we do the tour. So even when we did like, you know, 412 dates back in the day, it's like, no, I'd like to just do another one. Whereas probably come the 19th of July when I finish, I'll be like, oh, thank God that's over.

Jordan 0:30:23 Yeah. You have a big holiday afterwards. Are you still gonna be able to do podcasts?

William 0:30:25 Well, yes.

Jordan 0:30:28 Yes. Oh yeah. Okay.

William 0:30:29 So I'll be—

Jordan 0:30:30 Is it just a nighttime show?

William 0:30:31 Uh, 2 shows on a Saturday, 2 shows on a Sunday.

Jordan 0:30:34 Oh my Christ. They're grafters, those West End girls, aren't they? They are. What about your weekends?

William 0:30:42 Well, bye-bye.

Jordan 0:30:43 Oh no.

William 0:30:44 Yeah.

Jordan 0:30:45 You'll be in our gym all the time now, because that's where all the West End girls go. Oh God.

William 0:30:50 At least you're calling it our gym.

Jordan 0:30:51 You're gonna be go— Are you gonna be going out after the show? Oh, you— my only thing—

William 0:30:57 What, you think I've said yes?

Jordan 0:30:58 My biggest worry is I'm chuffed for you. You're gonna love this. You're gonna get a taste.

William 0:31:02 Mikey and I are already talking about separate bedrooms. Just because I'll be coming back, you know, late. Or if— even if I finish the show and just come back immediately afterwards, you'll be sort of wired, 'cause on adrenaline. And if he's already asleep, it might be better if I sleep in the spare room.

Jordan 0:31:16 Okay.

Ben 0:31:17 How many shows is that? 8 times 6, is it?

William 0:31:19 I don't know, you do the maths.

Ben 0:31:22 48.

William 0:31:22 48 shows.

Jordan 0:31:23 Oh wow, that's a lot.

William 0:31:25 It's a lot, yeah. Anyway, thank you for your support. That means a lot.

Jordan 0:31:29 I'm, I'm chuffed. Yeah, panto next.

William 0:31:31 Oh no.

Jordan 0:31:32 This kid's got spunk, I'm telling you. He's going places. Oh, you little West End girl.

Ben 0:31:38 I do think that, Jordan, your reaction there, like, we need to put up a video on socials of like the direct comparison between that reaction and the engagement reaction because I think they were very similar.

William 0:31:48 Well, I know that— Which is more gay?

Jordan 0:31:50 No, no, no, no. I, I know you love him to bits, but I reckon he's more chuffed about this than the engagement. Am I not allowed to say that? Oh, come on.

Ben 0:32:01 Well, let's ask him.

Jordan 0:32:01 Engagement's by the by. That was years ago. Everyone gets engaged these days. West End show? Bitch, please. I'm proud of you, son.

William 0:32:09 I'm equally as excited, but for very different reasons.

Jordan 0:32:13 West End girl. Our William, a West End girl.

William 0:32:17 Oh, your mum would love Titanique. For those that don't know, by the way, Titanique, it's the story of Titanic told in the songs of Celine Dion.

Jordan 0:32:23 Oh god, this is all we're gonna get for the next fucking 6 weeks now, innit? Titanic, my friends at Titanic. Oh, you must meet my darling friends at Titanic. Well, remember your roots. Alright? Remember where you come from.

William 0:32:35 Okay.

Jordan 0:32:36 Hmm. Hmm.

William 0:32:37 Hmm. Okay. Right, go on.

Jordan 0:32:39 Beep beep beep beep beep!

William 0:32:40 Hmm. What's that?

Jordan 0:32:41 Yeah, every time you mention Titanic, we'll go beep beep beep beep beep I beep!

William 0:32:44 won't mention it again.

Jordan 0:32:45 No, no, no, no, we're not shitting on your parade, 'cause I'm genuinely chuffed for you.

Ben 0:32:48 It is a great show as well.

William 0:32:50 Yes, Ben, you enjoyed it, didn't you? Yes. Yeah.

Ben 0:32:52 And your— I think your part is potentially the funniest bit of it.

William 0:32:56 There is an ad-libbed section. It used to be the funniest part anyway. Let's hope it continues to be.

Ben 0:33:02 Well, that's what I was gonna say.

William 0:33:03 How were you?

Ben 0:33:04 But I'm sure it will be.

William 0:33:05 Just got in there a bit quick.

Ben 0:33:06 Always do.

Jordan 0:33:07 Alright.

Jordan 0:36:31 Jordan's Jolly Joke of the Week, cue the jingle.

Speaker H 0:36:37 If you like a chap who's cheeky and northern, you're in for a treat with our Jordan. And if a giggle is what you seek, you're sure to love Jordan's Jolly Joke of the Week. Cha-cha-cha-cha, cha-cha-cha-cha-cha, cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha.

Jordan 0:36:53 What'd you get when you crossed the Atlantic with the Titanic?

William 0:36:56 Oh, this is relevant.

Jordan 0:36:57 And I'll tell you the punchline after the break.

William 0:36:59 This wasn't planned.

Jordan 0:37:02 All right, Gene Divas, thanks for sticking with us. Time for Jordan's Jolly Joke of the Week. What do you get when you cross the Atlantic? The Titanic.

William 0:37:08 I don't know.

Jordan 0:37:09 About halfway. Is that a bit bad?

William 0:37:13 I'll stick that in my monologue.

Jordan 0:37:15 About halfway. Hey Keith, can we, can we joke about the Titanic now?

William 0:37:18 I mean, Titanic is an entire joke about the Titanic.

Jordan 0:37:21 Oh, is it? I just Googled like funny jokes about the Titanic.

William 0:37:25 Oh, bless you.

Jordan 0:37:26 Yeah.

William 0:37:27 Wasn't that sweet? That's his love language. Makes a change to Google saying that isn't Jordan North.

Jordan 0:37:32 So can we—

William 0:37:33 what?

Jordan 0:37:35 No, that's not true.

William 0:37:37 Such a bitch.

Jordan 0:37:38 You know what I actually did? Do you want another one?

William 0:37:39 Go on. Is it a Titanic theme one?

Jordan 0:37:42 No, it's about condoms. Okay. All right, uh, bloke goes into pharmacy. This is from Kylie Blackwell. He says, uh, he's got a good weekend planned, so he walks up to lady behind counter, says, hello, miss. I'd like 6 condoms, please. She says to him with a frustrated tone, don't miss me. He says, okay, I'll have 7.

William 0:38:04 That's funny. That's funny. I like that.

Jordan 0:38:06 There you

Ben 0:38:06 go. I don't get that.

William 0:38:07 Don't miss me. As in, don't miss me.

Jordan 0:38:10 Forget about me. Go on then, I'll have 7.

Ben 0:38:12 But why did she say that?

Jordan 0:38:13 Because he went, hello, miss. Don't miss me.

Ben 0:38:16 Don't miss me.

Jordan 0:38:17 Yeah. Let's do it.

Ben 0:38:19 Sorry, thanks.

Jordan 0:38:19 I love William in Titanic.

William 0:38:22 You've gone peak Wendy.

Jordan 0:38:24 I'm so proud. I'm so proud.

William 0:38:27 Thank you, darling.

Jordan 0:38:27 Oh, have you told your mum and dad?

William 0:38:29 Yes. Discussions as to whether I will allow them to come and watch this show.

Ben 0:38:32 Surely.

Jordan 0:38:34 Surely!

William 0:38:34 I don't know. It's on our par with sexiness, isn't it?

Jordan 0:38:37 They've never been to one of our live shows.

William 0:38:39 No.

Jordan 0:38:39 My parents have.

William 0:38:40 Yeah, but you know, we're the South Bank show for your parents.

Jordan 0:38:47 Oh, he's the bitch. Oh, he's the bitch. Oh, I'll take Wendy. Oh, she's coming to stay in winter— in summer.

William 0:38:53 Great.

Jordan 0:38:53 Oh, Wendy will come. Great. There we go.

William 0:38:56 Anytime before the 19th of June.

Jordan 0:38:57 Although I might take her to see Tina.

William 0:38:59 Well, good luck.

Jordan 0:39:01 Why?

William 0:39:02 It's not on.

Jordan 0:39:02 Oh, is it not?

William 0:39:04 I don't want to spoil it for anyone who hasn't seen it. Come and see our show.

Jordan 0:39:06 Okay. Yeah, no, I'll, uh, I'll, I'll give you a proper review when I see it as well because I've never seen it.

William 0:39:12 Oh, good.

Jordan 0:39:12 Because there's no better than Tina.

William 0:39:14 On the basis that the height of culture for Jordan is Blood Brothers, we can all buckle up for that.

Jordan 0:39:20 Right, now it's time for our questions and dilemmas. Remember, if you need our help with something, get in touch. You can send your tales of trepidation to help@sexandmyboss.com. You can DM us, we're @sexandmyboss on the socials, or you can write to William— I'm choking on your pride there— who in the fullness—

William 0:39:36 Makes a change.

Jordan 0:39:37 Not the first time. Who in the fullness of time promises a handwritten reply on one of our luxury greeting cards with executive cellophane envelopes. The address is on the website, sexandmyboss.com. Our

William 0:39:46 first dilemma is from Sonia. Hey, William and Jordan. Greetings from Sydney, Australia. Over here, I work at the bar of a popular theatre. William should come down under and catch a show sometime. Sadly, there's no Mary Poppins on the schedule this year, but maybe you'd enjoy Six instead. Anyway, onto my etiquette question. Our theatre bar is fairly fancy. We make cocktails and mocktails, and we offer an extensive range of wines, beers, and spirits. Sometimes, though, we run out of an item or simply don't stock a very specific drink a patron asks for. Oh, dear. For example, a Gin and Dubonnet. Kidding! I've never been requested for a G&D. I've noticed that some bartenders will say things like, sorry, I don't have that, or, I can't make that for you. But that wording always gives me the ick a bit because I almost sounds like as though they personally own the bar or are individually responsible for the stock and drinks list. I naturally tend to say we instead. For example, sorry, we don't have that in stock, because it feels more accurate when you're speaking on behalf of the venue rather than as an individual. So, my question is, in that situation, is I technically correct because the bartender can't make the drink, or is we more appropriate because we're representing the company and its stock availability? Thanks, Sonia from Sydney. What a lovely question. Jordan, over to you.

Jordan 0:40:53 I'd always say we personally, but could you say they? They don't have it in stock.

William 0:40:57 Well, no, not they, because then you're disassociating yourself with your employer.

Jordan 0:41:00 I'd personally say we, because if it's not your bar, then yeah.

William 0:41:04 You know, I mean, in hospitality generally, particularly in luxury hospitality, I don't know where your bar falls on that spectrum, but you are in Australia. I would say that you'd never really want to say no to the customer. So, I would suggest, uh, well, we don't have that available, but may I suggest a blah blah blah, which is similar? So, you want to then give them another option.

Jordan 0:41:23 Yeah, or a blah blah blah, which is very refreshing for this time of year.

William 0:41:27 Yes, exactly. And I probably would say we rather than I. So, Sonia, I'm on your side on that one. The next dilemma is from Anonymous, aka Miss Peggy. Okay.

Jordan 0:41:38 Tell Kermit we said hello?

William 0:41:39 No, Peggy.

Jordan 0:41:40 Oh, right. Okay.

William 0:41:41 Good morning, team. I delved into the unknown and signed up to a dating site, and I met a lovely chap whom I will call Mr. A for the purpose of this dilemma.

Jordan 0:41:49 Should have called him Mr. Freck. What? Mr. Toad.

William 0:41:53 Right.

Jordan 0:41:54 Okay.

William 0:41:54 We met a couple of times and all seemed well. He was a nice man, kind, with some seemingly good morals, a stable home, and a job. Then it came to the bedroom stuff. One thing led to another, and we engaged in sexual activities. This may be a little harsh, but it is anonymous, so I'll say it. I remember thinking, has he put it in yet?

Jordan 0:42:11 Oh geez.

William 0:42:12 And no, I do not have a giant bucket. It's bouquet. I have actually been complimented many times. I haven't had kids and I exercise, so things are, let's just say, nice and tight. Thanks so much. Next he says—

Jordan 0:42:24 Fair play.

William 0:42:25 Can I be honest? I've been dating women and men. And that he had a few local booty calls, all with men. He then went on to ask if I would peg him. At first, I was like, no! But I like to please, and I'm pretty open to trying anything once. So off he excitedly pops to douche. Things proceed, and next thing I'm thrusting this somewhat large purple device in and out of his anal passage. He clearly liked it, but did I? Not really. Anyway, it then developed into a routine thing. Almost every sexual encounter, I turned into Ms. Peggy. To me, it was odd that he needed it so much, and how much he enjoyed it. Don't get me wrong, I have been with men who love a cheeky little slippage of the finger up the bum to enhance things, but this seemed excessive. Anyway, it really wasn't my cup of tea, so I ended things, but I didn't really tell him that was why. So here is my question: was it harsh to end it for this reason? Thank you. Love to Will, Jordan, and all the team. You're a whole lot of joy and laughter. Anonymous.

Jordan 0:43:17 Well, look, Miss Peggy, I think if that's not what you're into and he clearly is, then I don't think that's harsh at all. No. The other week with a girl who left the guy because he fell in a pothole, very harsh.

William 0:43:29 Yeah.

Jordan 0:43:30 Yeah. So potholes and pegging,

William 0:43:32 you know,

Jordan 0:43:33 it's gonna be the title of my book.

William 0:43:35 Is

Jordan 0:43:39 it? There we go.

William 0:43:41 Or combine the two, Slippery When Wet.

Jordan 0:43:43 I've just realised that's gonna be my book,

William 0:43:46 Potholes and Pegging.

Jordan 0:43:47 Are you into both? No, never.

William 0:43:51 No.

Jordan 0:43:52 Yeah, anyway.

Ben 0:43:53 Jet washing and

Jordan 0:43:55 jerking.

Ben 0:44:00 Wow. Yeah, that can be quite good.

Jordan 0:44:02 And I do like both. No, I'm joking. So, so no, I, I personally don't think— and if you— at least you give it a go. And it sounds like he was— it sounds like he— I'm not— tell me if I'm out of order.

William 0:44:18 It sounds like

Jordan 0:44:18 he might be gay,

William 0:44:20 uh, or he might prefer one type of peanut butter more than the other.

Jordan 0:44:24 Bisexuals love me now because of that analogy. Honestly. I'm like, give me a famous philosopher.

Ben 0:44:31 Freud.

William 0:44:32 He's not— Freud was not a philosopher.

Jordan 0:44:34 Give me a famous philosopher.

Speaker G 0:44:35 Plato.

William 0:44:36 Plato. Oh?

Jordan 0:44:37 Plato. He was a dog.

William 0:44:39 No, that's Pluto.

Jordan 0:44:40 Oh, right. Do you know what I'll do for next episode? I'll come up with 3 Jordan philosophies.

William 0:44:49 Okay.

Jordan 0:44:50 Yeah. But I can't wait. Okay, there you go.

William 0:44:53 Lovely.

Jordan 0:44:54 Um, bisexuals are my peanut butter analogy. People have stopped me in the street, just said, Jordan, as the bisexual— why am I doing my mum's impression there? They've stopped me in the street, can I just say? Oh, great. They haven't, but still.

William 0:45:08 In your head they have. But Miss Peggy, I would say it like— I don't— if it's not whatever you're doing sexually, with somebody, whether it's pegging or not, if it's making you not feel uncomfortable, that's not maybe not how you're feeling, but if it is making you— it's not floating your boat, you can just say.

Jordan 0:45:25 It's

Ben 0:45:27 because like sexuality is a spectrum, isn't it?

William 0:45:29 It is.

Ben 0:45:29 So you could have super smooth peanut butter, you could have really crunchy, crunchy peanut butter.

Jordan 0:45:35 Don't comment on my peanut butter analogy.

William 0:45:36 It all goes on. This is from Lauren.

Jordan 0:45:38 There's nothing wrong with it.

William 0:45:39 Dear William Jordan et al., I'm in need of your help. I'm soon to be travelling from London, from the depths of Dorset, to visit Floris. Oh yes, where I'll be creating my own bespoke fragrance. As part of the process, I need to think of a name for my fragrance. What is the etiquette on choosing a name? I'm aware that many of the good ones will already be taken, but how do I go about choosing a unique but classy name? I want it to be personal but not tacky. Many thanks in advance. Love listening to you every week. Kind regards, Lauren in Dorset. So for those that don't know, Floris used to have a Royal Warrant from the late Queen. I don't know if it has one one now from the King. I would need to look that up. But it's the perfumery shop on Jermyn Street, J-E-R-M-Y-N, just behind Fortnum& Mason. Very nice, very floral, hence florist, sounding names.

Ben 0:46:24 They do have a Royal Warrant.

William 0:46:26 From the King.

Ben 0:46:26 From the King.

William 0:46:27 Okay, there we go.

Ben 0:46:28 2023.

Jordan 0:46:29 I think the greatest name, Musk. Oh no, actually—

William 0:46:33 Not anymore.

Jordan 0:46:33 Not anymore. No.

William 0:46:34 Eau de Minge. Don't forget that.

Jordan 0:46:37 Something classic.

William 0:46:38 Or Lauren, could you look up what does Lauren mean in Latin?

Jordan 0:46:41 Lorraine.

William 0:46:42 Oh, well, yeah.

Jordan 0:46:44 Lorraine.

William 0:46:44 Or then the village you're from in Dorset, perhaps you could call it that.

Jordan 0:46:48 What about Coco Number 4?

William 0:46:50 Coco Number 4, yes.

Jordan 0:46:52 Oh no.

William 0:46:53 Chanel Number 5.1.

Ben 0:46:54 Surely there's 4 if there is a 5.

Jordan 0:46:56 Oh, Channel Number 4. I know that's— Channel 4 might suit

William 0:47:00 you for that.

Jordan 0:47:01 Yeah, you've probably come to the wrong place for that. But can I just do another little jolly round? Okay.

William 0:47:06 Yeah, a Geordie rant.

Jordan 0:47:07 Just another little Geordie rant. And I was guilty of this myself, uh, mainly the, the lads are guilty of this. You don't need to put loads of aftershave on. There's too many strong-smelling people at the moment, especially with this little Labobo that everyone's wearing.

William 0:47:19 The Labo?

Jordan 0:47:20 The Labo and all knockoff ones. Well, everyone stinks of Santel in London. You know that it's called Santel and you can get the knockoff ones, which is fine because it's cheaper.

William 0:47:29 Is that from the same guy that supplies the olive trees?

Jordan 0:47:32 I seen him again on me run on Saturday.

William 0:47:33 Well, I'm having great trouble finding my own olive tree because I went to the garden centre and they said— and they looked at me as if I just asked for, you know, the bomb squad or something. And they said, we do not stock olive trees because they carry disease and they could infect all the other plants in the garden centre.

Jordan 0:47:47 So I

William 0:47:48 was like, oh, okay, I didn't know. And then he took me all around the garden centre showing me other things that I could get instead of an olive tree. I was like, no, I want an olive tree because I've already told you it's joining an existing row of olive trees. Excuse

Jordan 0:47:58 me, just gonna give you a live correction. Yes. You just said like 5 minutes ago, when you're behind a bar, suggest other things. Why can't you do it in a garden shed?

William 0:48:07 Well, because I wanted an olive tree.

Jordan 0:48:09 Right, well, I'm just saying. Um, yeah, we, we don't know a good fragrance name, but just be careful on the old— just a little spritz. And don't—

William 0:48:15 less is more.

Jordan 0:48:15 Don't rub— you never rub your wrists together when you put your spring on. My mum worked in Boots for Christmas.

William 0:48:20 When she wasn't on the bus.

Jordan 0:48:21 She always tells me this, that, um, you You can't rub, 'cause you separate the alcohol from the spray. So just— everyone goes like this.

William 0:48:31 Spritz your wrists, but don't rub them together.

Jordan 0:48:32 Don't rub your wrists together. And don't rinse your teeth after you've brushed them.

William 0:48:36 No, 'cause it washes out the fluoride. Yeah.

Jordan 0:48:39 Yeah, which you want. Which feels weird at first, but once you get into it, there you go. Right, next one, Steve.

William 0:48:43 Our final dilemma is from Steve. We had a German friend visiting whose English is very good. Sehr gut. Although sometimes a little too literal. We decided to treat them to some traditional English food, a beef and ale pie with gravy.

Jordan 0:48:56 Ah, das ist gut, ja. Na, wasch dann durch, Technik.

William 0:48:59 I'm sure this menu choice appeals more to Jordan than William, but as staunch Midlanders, we did our best to deliver the best for our foreign guests, stopping short of peas and faggots. On tasting the pie, he commented—

Jordan 0:49:09 Do you still say that these days?

William 0:49:10 On tasting—

Jordan 0:49:11 What's faggots?

William 0:49:13 It's like, it's part of a— yeah. On tasting the pie, he commented that he very much liked the beefcake.

Jordan 0:49:18 Ja, ich like die Beefcake, ja.

William 0:49:20 I explained it was not a cake, but a pie. This was followed by a very confusing conversation in which I tried to explain that it was a pie, not a cake, as it was savoury. When he replied that apple pie isn't savoury either, I had to concede to the vagaries of the English language. Perhaps a future Etymology of the Week: what is a pie and what is a cake? He then asked me for more of the meat sauce, gravy, as he thought it went very well with the beef cake. I explained that beef and ale pie with gravy is a traditional English dish, but if he goes around saying he enjoys meat sauce on beef cake, it has an entirely different meaning. So, what is the etiquette when a guest asks for more meat sauce on their beefcake? Well, I've always obliged.

Jordan 0:49:58 I mean, it's the Germans, innit? Just leave them to it.

William 0:50:03 Yeah,

Jordan 0:50:04 they're lovely, but they're just, you know, if they're not robbing our sunbeds, you know, they're mixing up our language. So, just never get into an argument with a German. It's not worth it.

William 0:50:15 No,

Jordan 0:50:15 no. That reminds me, I've seen something recently. I'm gonna do a little Someone asked him—

William 0:50:19 Is it another Geordie rant?

Jordan 0:50:20 No, no, no, it's about the language and stuff. Uh,

William 0:50:24 I thought a Geordie rant was when you get Vicki Paterson on one, but no, apparently—

Jordan 0:50:27 Uh, so it's this— I've seen this article. Do you want the music with it or not?

William 0:50:34 No, not really.

Jordan 0:50:34 It's, uh, why is English so hard to learn? And then it's like all these different sentences. So, the bandage was wound around the wound, but wounds both spelt the same. The farm was cultivated to produce produce. Both spelt the same. You've got to read it, it don't make sense. The dump was so full that the workers had to refuse more refuge. Refuse.

William 0:50:56 Refuse.

Jordan 0:50:56 We must polish the Polish furniture shown at the store. Yeah. He could lead if he would get the lead out.

William 0:51:05 Lead.

Jordan 0:51:07 Lead. The soldier decided to desert his tasty dessert in the desert. Since there's no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present to his girlfriend. See? A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum. A bass. I'm not doing this.

Ben 0:51:28 Well, you aren't.

William 0:51:29 You aren't.

Jordan 0:51:30 They're called heteron— this way, you won't understand them. They're called heteronomes. Heteronomes?

William 0:51:35 Heteronomes.

Jordan 0:51:36 Heteronomes. These are brilliant homonyms or homographs, or words like spelling but with more than one meaning and sound when pronounced differently. They are known as heteronomes. They were too close to the door to close it. The book does funny things when the does female are present.

William 0:51:54 Well, it's not—

Jordan 0:51:55 A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line. Oh, a seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line. Yeah.

William 0:52:04 Lovely.

Jordan 0:52:04 This is my favourite one.

William 0:52:05 Okay. Oh, good.

Jordan 0:52:06 I'll leave this one with you. Upon seeing the tear in her painting, she shed a tear.

William 0:52:17 It's like sitting here with Susie Dent.

Jordan 0:52:18 I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

William 0:52:21 Good. End. End.

Jordan 0:52:24 How can I—

William 0:52:25 Put the phone down.

Jordan 0:52:26 How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

William 0:52:29 Lovely. Well, that's English. I mean, English is hard to learn, but Cantonese is harder.

Jordan 0:52:34 I bet. And Russian.

William 0:52:35 Yeah. Anything that doesn't have an alphabet, basically. Arabic, you've got to do it right to left.

Jordan 0:52:40 Oh dear. Yeah. Russian. I have no idea. Nikobolikov.

William 0:52:43 That's terrible. What? That's terrible.

Jordan 0:52:51 What do you call a Russian with one ball?

William 0:52:52 Nikobolikov.

Jordan 0:52:53 Nikobolikov. I know it's 3 balls. I've told it wrong. All right, anyway, thank you for your question, Dan. Remember, you can listen to new episodes every Tuesday and Friday, 24 hours before anywhere else on Global Player. And you can even watch us on YouTube as well. We put the full episodes up every release day. All you gotta do is head to YouTube and search for Sexted.

William 0:53:11 And we'll see you on Friday for our special Luxury Podcast collab.

Jordan 0:53:16 Guten Tag!

William 0:53:17 Yeah, um, auf Wiedersehen.

Jordan 0:53:20 Auf Wiedersehen!

William 0:53:21 Pet.

Jordan 0:53:21 Pet.