Help I Sexted The Luxury Podcast

Jordan 0:01:49 Hello and welcome to Help I Sexted, the Luxury Podcast.

William 0:02:01 Now this is really where worlds collide. I'm very confused already. Um, so I would love to introduce you, G&Divas and Bucketheads alike, to my 2 favourite co-hosts, Jordan North from Help I Sexted My Boss and Jonathan Vernon-Smith from the Luxury Podcast. Hello both.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:19 Hello, William.

William 0:02:20 Oh, we get a clap.

Jordan 0:02:21 It's like your affair, your mistress, and your husband. Yes.

William 0:02:26 My wife and my mistress have come together. Yeah. And you can argue as to who is who.

Jordan 0:02:30 Yes, it's like we've come together and found out your dirty little secret. And obviously—

William 0:02:37 Always better when you come together.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:39 Oh, William.

William 0:02:40 Oh, don't you play the prude.

Jordan 0:02:42 Are you allowed to make jokes like that on the Luxury Podcast?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:02:46 Yes, but with a luxury twist. Okay. not to be common.

William 0:02:50 Now, if you are a Buckyhead and you've never listened to Sexed Ed, or you are a G&Diva and you have never listened to the Luxury Podcast, let's just sort of recap. So Jordan, can you explain what Sexed Ed is about?

Jordan 0:03:01 So Hell Bites Sex and My Boss is a podcast that started in 2018. Uh, William and I have been friends for many years. We've been friends for about the same time, 2011, we reckon we both met. Yeah. And basically we, uh, act as agony aunts, agony uncles, or solution sluts, as some of our G&Divas like to call us. And we basically help people with modern-day problems and dilemmas. So, things like, um, it can be anything wide-ranging from, um, do you change the bedding when you stay at somebody's house in the guest bedroom? Or we had one recently, if a gay man came in to find his partner fingering his mum.

William 0:03:39 I don't think it was fingering, actually. I think it was fisting.

Jordan 0:03:43 Oh, yeah. No, I think he was fingering her. I think he was—

William 0:03:46 I think arm deep was the legend.

Jordan 0:03:48 Yeah, but I think, I think it was fingering.

William 0:03:50 Either way, not great.

Jordan 0:03:51 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:03:52 My God.

William 0:03:56 Whereas on Luxury, we did a whole episode about bins.

Jordan 0:03:59 There you go.

William 0:04:00 Jonathan, tell us about Luxury Podcast.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:05 So, Luxury Podcast, well, it morphed from Keeping Up Appearances: The Luxury Podcast, which we began in COVID times.

William 0:04:11 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:12 And then we ran out of episodes. But by this point, we were having so much fun, we thought, well, why just stop there?

William 0:04:18 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:19 So, we continued. We did. We live our lives as Hyacinth Bouquet, as you know, Jordan. I mean, yes, you know both of us, and we do live our lives as the genuine Hyacinth Bouquet. So, we are kind of allowing Hyacinth to live on in us and our podcast.

William 0:04:35 Exactly. And how you can be better than your neighbours. And as we said recently on Sexted, Sexted is chalk and cheese. Luxury is cheese and wine.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:42 Ah.

William 0:04:43 There we go. That's how we differentiate between the two.

Jordan 0:04:46 And you're the wine.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:47 I'm not quite sure.

William 0:04:48 You're the chalk wine, and I'm the cheese, 'cause I'm in both.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:51 Oh, I see. You're a fine claret.

Jordan 0:04:53 No, I'd be a fine claret. No, he'd be a Malbec.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:04:55 I'd be a nice, big, bold Malbec.

Jordan 0:04:57 A nice, big, bold Malbec.

William 0:04:59 You'd be a small Pinot, wouldn't you?

Jordan 0:05:01 And so it begins. Can we have a drink? So what character would I be on Keeping Up Appearances?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:08 Onslow. Oh, sorry, that came out too quickly.

Jordan 0:05:10 That came out very quickly. I'm thinking more—

William 0:05:14 I'd say more Rose.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:16 Rose. Rose, my sister Rose.

Jordan 0:05:18 The one who's been about a bit.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:21 Yeah, the slut.

Jordan 0:05:22 Okay, and who would you— and obviously you're both Hyacinth.

William 0:05:28 You could be Richard, the long-suffering husband.

Jordan 0:05:30 No, I see, I see.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:31 Who?

William 0:05:31 Him.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:32 No, he's not like Richard. What are you talking about?

Jordan 0:05:35 See, I genuinely think you're more like Emmett.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:37 In real life? Musical. Really? Yeah.

William 0:05:42 Now I've just poured us a Gin and Dubonnet, which is our signature drink on Sexed. Oh yes. This is so— it's missing a slice of lemon. of lemon, but we'll crash on. This is very odd for me, having you both here. Let's toast Help I Sexted the Luxury Podcast! Yeah!

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:57 Cheers!

Jordan 0:05:57 You don't— you're not allowed to clink.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:05:59 No, come on.

Jordan 0:05:59 It's coming.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:00 We could have called it Help I Sexted My Bucket, which could have worked just as well. Okay. Oh, now let me have a G&D.

Jordan 0:06:13 You've had a G&D before, haven't you?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:16 Yes, that's good.

Jordan 0:06:17 Yeah.

William 0:06:17 Now, we have deprived Jonathan of going for his pre-production meeting. No, you haven't!

Jordan 0:06:23 Have you been?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:24 I got an earlier train.

Jordan 0:06:25 Oh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:26 I don't like to miss an event at the pub.

William 0:06:29 A pre-production meeting.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:30 Yeah. Oh yeah, I'm in a pre-production meeting, yes.

Jordan 0:06:32 'Cause we've met in the pub a few times. You love— I loved it. You love a pint as much as me, I think.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:37 I love a pint.

Jordan 0:06:38 Yeah. A proper pint. And he's a pale ale drinker, innit? Yeah. Yeah. Real ale.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:44 Real ale, yeah.

Jordan 0:06:45 Or anything alcoholic, really.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:46 Don't you like ale?

Jordan 0:06:48 No. Oh. No. I like ale, but it don't like me.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:50 Oh.

William 0:06:51 Yeah. Look East.

Jordan 0:06:53 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:54 No, that's not a Look East.

William 0:06:55 Oh, is that not a Look East?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:06:56 No, no, no.

Jordan 0:06:57 I like Guinness. That's my favourite.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:00 And whiskey.

Jordan 0:07:01 Oh yeah, I thought you'd like Guinness.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:03 Bit bland. What? I find it a bit bland.

Jordan 0:07:06 Oh my god.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:07 It's like a child's beer.

William 0:07:10 Oh my God, top 5. It's a chelced bit.

Jordan 0:07:12 Gets you shit-faced.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:13 No, you know, you know a Boddington's or a John Smith's?

Jordan 0:07:16 I love a Boddy's or a John Smith's.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:17 Well, there you go. That's why you like it.

Jordan 0:07:19 I used to pour Boddy's all the time in the pub I worked in. I love it. I've not had a Boddy's in ages.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:07:23 No, but a Guinness is like a black version of that, isn't it, really?

William 0:07:28 Yes. Do you think so? Now, on Sex Ed, I normally at the start of an episode deliver a line that sums up Jordan and my differences. For example, I'm more first-class dining. You're more middle-class whining.

Jordan 0:07:43 That's Jonathan.

William 0:07:44 Very true. Well, is it Jonathan?

Jordan 0:07:46 I've heard his show. I've very much—

William 0:07:47 Middle-class whining!

Jordan 0:07:50 It's on BBC Three Counties, for God's sake!

William 0:07:53 True. I didn't want Jonathan to feel left out, so here's one that we've written for you. I'm more cocktails in Soho. You're more a manly polo. Although you're not wearing a— So you're doing my voice?

Jordan 0:08:03 Oh, he does the best impressions of you.

William 0:08:05 You're not wearing a manly polo, but you are wearing your action slacks.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:08 I have got action slacks on. I'm always ready for action, night or day. I'm always drinking coffee.

William 0:08:14 Mainly day. 'Cause you go to bed very early.

Jordan 0:08:17 So today, are you gonna try and teach me how to be more luxury then?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:20 We hope so.

Jordan 0:08:20 Okay.

William 0:08:22 Yeah.

Jordan 0:08:22 I think it's a cross—

William 0:08:23 it's a blend. It's like, you know, this is in effect, it's going to be the podcast version of Dolly the Sheep.

Jordan 0:08:31 I see. I'm not gonna get— and for our Gen Zers, I'm not gonna get any of those references. Who the feck is Dolly the Sheep?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:39 A cloned sheep.

Jordan 0:08:40 From Wallace and Gromit? No. The sheep.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:49 Do you remember Dolly the sheep?

Jordan 0:08:51 Oh, it's Dolly the sheep.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:52 They cloned a sheep!

Jordan 0:08:53 Oh, is this in the news?

William 0:08:55 Well, it was, yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:08:56 It was, it was.

William 0:08:57 It was about the same time the Millennium Dome was in the news.

Jordan 0:08:59 Oh, they cloned a sheep.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:00 Yeah, they cloned a sheep.

William 0:09:01 Look up Dolly the sheep later.

Jordan 0:09:03 So how am I like Dolly the sheep then?

William 0:09:04 Well, no, this podcast is like Dolly the sheep. Oh, right. It's a sort of a hybrid of 2 things.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:10 Bizarre reference, William. What are you talking about? Now, of course, as you will know, Jordan, William is prone to fainting.

Jordan 0:09:20 He's a bit of a Mary Ann, innit?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:21 I'm sorry?

Jordan 0:09:23 You're allowed to say that.

William 0:09:23 Who's Mary Ann?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:24 What's a Mary Ann?

Jordan 0:09:25 Oh, is that a northern thing?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:26 I don't know. What is a Mary Ann?

Jordan 0:09:28 Someone that's like, stop being a Mary Ann.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:30 Like a wimp, a hypochondriac.

Jordan 0:09:32 Yeah, a bit soft. Mary Ann. Oh, you Mary Ann.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:34 He's a proper Mary Ann. He's proper—

Jordan 0:09:36 he faints a lot, doesn't he? Even as a child. Sitting down.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:39 So just in case anything should happen to him, it's probably a good idea for my future that we just try out to see if there's a backup.

Jordan 0:09:46 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:46 So can we just try one or two luxury questions out on you?

Jordan 0:09:51 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:52 Just to make sure that you'd be up to the job.

Jordan 0:09:55 Okay, go for it.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:09:56 I mean, not that you need the job, but I do, so—

William 0:09:59 No, but it'll dry up eventually. So, well—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:03 Jordan's career?

William 0:10:05 Yeah. As will all of ours. So it's always good to have a backup.

Jordan 0:10:09 It will.

William 0:10:10 In many ways, you're looking at—

Jordan 0:10:12 And that's the only thing that's drying up about me, thank you very much.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:14 You're looking at your future. You're looking at your future. I'm gonna punch you in the face. If I thought you'd feel it, I would.

Jordan 0:10:21 This is great! This is so good! It's like 2 pissed ants, innit? They live together.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:34 2 pissed ants.

Jordan 0:10:34 You know those pissed ants that live together? One of them's a lesbian. Yeah, Injun breath. And they're just like— Your 2 lesbian aunts.

William 0:10:41 Yeah. I am in Boots.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:43 One of whom's got a wooden leg. Like my Auntie Ethel. She lived with another woman, and she had a wooden leg.

Jordan 0:10:50 Was she a—

William 0:10:50 Is she the one that—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:51 No, I don't think so.

Jordan 0:10:51 Yes, that's what I mean. They always lived with other women, but they weren't lesbians. Yeah, yeah, they weren't lesbians.

William 0:10:54 Is she the one that had the chauffeur-driven car?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:56 No, that was Auntie Anne.

William 0:10:57 Oh, the auntie.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:10:58 Not a chauffeur-driven car. Chauffeur-driven Lada Riva.

William 0:11:02 Which was on a budget. A Lada Riva is the equivalent now of a what?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:06 Well, it was a Russian vehicle that you could buy for £3,000.

Jordan 0:11:12 I've never heard of a Russian car. But she had a chauffeur. Lada.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:16 In the '90s, we had Ladas, and they were really cheap. You could buy a brand-new one for £3,000. And she had a Lada Riva that was chauffeur-driven. And she came to visit us once. And I, as a kid, I used to like cars. So, whenever anyone came to visit us, I used to say, can I go and sit in your car? A bit weird. And bizarrely, most people used to let me. They'd give me their car keys, and I'd go and sit in their car.

William 0:11:43 Different times.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:11:44 Yeah. So I went out into her Lada, and I opened the glove box, and 2 bottles of vodka and about 400 Players cigarettes fell out. She used to sit in the back smoking and drinking and being driven around in a white Lada Riva.

Jordan 0:11:59 Who was the chauffeur?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:00 Don't know, some bloke. He turned up as well. Well, he had to, he's the driver.

William 0:12:05 Yeah.

Jordan 0:12:06 Okay.

William 0:12:06 Okay, so let's do some due diligence on Jordan.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:08 Okay. Due diligence. Okay. Are you ready, Adam, for questions? This is for me to be William's understudy?

Jordan 0:12:13 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:14 Okay. Now, we have spent a lot of time talking about cleaning.

Jordan 0:12:17 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:18 And I know that you like cleaning.

Jordan 0:12:21 I love cleaning.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:22 And I also know that you are a very good cleaner.

Jordan 0:12:25 Mm-hmm.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:25 So, what is your approach to cleaning, particularly when it comes to bathrooms and kitchens? Are there some go-to products that you always use? And are you a fan of our High Buff Polish? I am.

William 0:12:37 Bathrooms.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:38 Well, we could start with bathrooms.

Jordan 0:12:40 Bathrooms, for me, it's got to be Flash white bleach.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:46 Flash white bleach?

Jordan 0:12:48 Yeah, it smells really good. You know, the bleach spray?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:51 Yeah.

Jordan 0:12:51 Yeah, I love—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:52 You use that in your bathroom?

Jordan 0:12:54 Yeah, it's the— that's great. Get it in the bath, in the toilet.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:12:58 In the bath?

Jordan 0:12:59 Yeah, in the sink, on the sides, right? And then obviously, I'm a Harpic gal for the toilet. I'm not toilet duck or bleach. I'm a Harpic type of gal. So you mix that in, leave it for a bit, but then I like to buff with either mirror window cleaner or vinegar spray. Now, however, for the kitchen—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:22 He's a lunatic.

Jordan 0:13:25 The kitchen, I'm a Cif man. You can't beat Cif. Cif. Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:28 What, for everything?

Jordan 0:13:29 Yeah, Cif for everything. William introduced me to Cif spray for stainless steel. And again, I use a bunch of Cif spray.

William 0:13:34 Which was introduced to me by Jonathan.

Jordan 0:13:35 But I do like a microfibre cloth. And I like to— but I'm also a big fan of the Scrub Daddy.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:41 Of course you are. Now—

Jordan 0:13:43 You know the Scrub Daddy sponge? I do, yeah, yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:45 I prefer a Scrub Mummy. But the bleach spray, I know that bleach spray.

Jordan 0:13:51 Splash bleach spray.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:52 Yeah, yeah, yeah. The best. But I'm surprised you use that in the bath.

Jordan 0:13:55 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:13:55 It's very aggressive.

Jordan 0:13:57 Yeah, it's great. Really? Perfect.

William 0:13:59 Yeah, but with plastic tubs, it'll be fine.

Jordan 0:14:00 Bitch, please. Plastic tubs.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:04 I have a plastic tub.

William 0:14:05 Oh, do you?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:06 Yes. High-quality acrylic for a better class of premises. Well, are you telling me you have what, metal?

William 0:14:14 Here we go. Ceramic.

Jordan 0:14:15 Don't mock somebody.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:16 Ceramic.

Jordan 0:14:17 Yeah, that's what it is. I'm sorry.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:19 Who are we picking on? Sorry.

William 0:14:23 Can we just get back to bathrooms? Where do you start in the bathroom? What's the first thing you clean?

Jordan 0:14:27 You start from the top and you work to the bottom. You do. What you do to the top, you do to the bottom.

William 0:14:36 Not always.

Jordan 0:14:37 That was what I was always told.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:40 That is very true.

Jordan 0:14:41 When I was younger.

William 0:14:41 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:42 I used to work for the Ramada Jarvis. So, I'm quite an expert when it comes to cleaning bathrooms.

Jordan 0:14:49 Were you a cleaner?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:50 Yes. Not for long, 2 weeks.

Jordan 0:14:53 I was a cleaner as well. I used to clean offices for the Post Office.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:14:55 Did you? Yeah. Oh yeah, did you use flash bleach?

Jordan 0:14:59 No, it was all industrial stuff. Yeah, but flash bleach I can highly recommend. Also, unpopular opinion, I'm a big fan of Shake 'n' Vac.

William 0:15:10 That's a retro reference.

Jordan 0:15:11 Yeah, yeah.

William 0:15:12 Do they still make that?

Jordan 0:15:13 Yeah, put the freshness back. My mum and dad got me into it. I know it's not good. I don't have any pets, so it's fine. But every now and then I put a bit of Shake 'n' Vac on me rugs and carpets.

William 0:15:20 And what's it meant to do?

Jordan 0:15:22 Pardon?

William 0:15:22 Other than— It just literally—

Jordan 0:15:23 Smells nice and gets everything up, and it's—

William 0:15:26 So, you pop it on your carpet. Do you leave it for a bit?

Jordan 0:15:28 Yeah, just leave it and then go around. And then you vacuum it up.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:30 So—

William 0:15:31 Wow.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:31 I like Spanish cleaning products.

Jordan 0:15:33 Yes, so do I.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:34 Are you aware there are some Spanish versions of Shake 'n' Bag with jabón de Marsella?

Jordan 0:15:40 Jabón de Marsella?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:41 Yeah.

Jordan 0:15:42 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:42 You can shake that on. Again, you leave it, vac it up. Jabón de Marsella on the carpet.

Jordan 0:15:48 Oh, okay. Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:15:48 You can get one in Nenuco. What's funny? I'm serious.

Jordan 0:15:57 Also, old ones. I'm a big starcher as well. I starch my shirts and stuff.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:02 Do you?

William 0:16:02 Yeah, but is it spray or is it—

Jordan 0:16:04 Spray starch, yeah. So that's my favourite cleaning go-to products. But vinegar spray, I love. It buffs everything up so nice.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:11 It is good. I just can't bear the smell.

Jordan 0:16:13 You can get lemon spray now.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:15 The new Acevi?

Jordan 0:16:16 No, it's Astonish.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:19 Astonish. Yeah, they do one as well, yeah.

William 0:16:21 You like Astonish, don't you?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:22 Yeah.

William 0:16:22 You use something that's Astonish.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:24 Yeah, my mould and mildew spray is Astonish, yeah. Well done for remembering.

Jordan 0:16:28 Do you have a cleaner?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:29 I do, but I don't know why. Because she gets—

Jordan 0:16:33 I can imagine you being very strict with her, aren't you?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:35 Oh yes, I do run a tight ship.

Jordan 0:16:37 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:37 Yeah. She largely just polishes, because everything's already clean.

Jordan 0:16:42 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:16:43 So, she generally comes in and polishes. But I do like her, because in all seriousness, she comes in once fortnightly, She's been with me for years, Jordan, since 2007.

William 0:16:55 For various reasons, I was having to deep dive on Jonathan's Facebook page weeks ago to find something, which I actually didn't— I think I did find eventually in the end. And going back to like 2009, back in the day when Facebook was slightly new, Jonathan's just uploaded a whole album of photos of his cleaner.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:11 It's important to let everyone know you have one. So, I had a Facebook album of my cleaner.

Jordan 0:17:20 Why did you have an album? Bless her.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:24 Yeah, no, she's happy. Right. Where do you do most of your cooking? Because I am an alfresco cooker.

Jordan 0:17:32 Outside?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:33 Yeah.

Jordan 0:17:34 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:34 'Cause I don't like the smell inside. Do you cook inside?

Jordan 0:17:37 I do, but I'm a big— during the week, just throw it in the air fryer. It's done in 5, 10 minutes. I love an air fryer.

William 0:17:43 There we go.

Jordan 0:17:44 I knew we'd gonna get along.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:46 Honestly.

Jordan 0:17:47 Anything you can do in a cooker, you can do in an air fryer.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:50 Sorry?

Jordan 0:17:51 Anything you can do in a cooker. I was trying to say cooker. You can do in an air fryer.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:55 Honestly.

Jordan 0:17:56 I've made shakshuka in an air fryer before. Have you?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:17:59 He took his air fryer to the tip, and it was working perfectly.

Jordan 0:18:02 Why would you do that?

William 0:18:03 I tried to sell it, and it didn't sell, and then I needed to get rid of it.

Jordan 0:18:07 It's the best.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:08 He took it to the tip, a perfectly working 2-drawer, Air fryer.

Jordan 0:18:12 Do you know what I've just ordered? And it arrived to my house this week. What? A toastie maker. A good old-fashioned toastie maker. I'm gonna have toasties in the garden.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:20 You could have had one of the— I've got one in my loft. Oh! You could have had mine from the loft. I don't use it.

Jordan 0:18:25 Apparently you can make them on an iron pan as well. Just as good, but…

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:29 But do you do a toastie in the air fryer?

Jordan 0:18:31 You prob— do you know what? You probably could, but I'm just gonna do it proper in the toastie maker.

William 0:18:35 'Cause I guess you won't get the griddle. Yeah, you want the griddle. In an air fryer, would you?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:39 Oh, they're delicious. Have you got a Max Crisp setting?

Jordan 0:18:43 Weren't he a Tory MP? I'm sure Max Crisp was a Tory MP. In the '80s, he got done for diddling.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:52 Now, you butter the outside of your bread.

Jordan 0:18:58 Yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:18:58 2 cocktail sticks. Yes. Max Crisp, 5 minutes.

Jordan 0:19:01 Oh, great. Yeah, you butter the outside of your bread, definitely. But yeah, I'm not the best cooker, but I can, plain and simple, I can make real simple stuff. And I tend to make a lot of brunches, Like a lot of breakfast from my tea.

William 0:19:12 So, what do you think of people who, because they don't like the smell of cooking, have a show kitchen and have built an entire kitchen outside with portable gas rings, outside air fryers, and barbecues? Do you think those people are pathological?

Jordan 0:19:29 Yeah, I think that's a bit excessive, especially in the winter. Who's got time to be going out in the garden?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:33 Jonathan!

William 0:19:35 Hello!

Jordan 0:19:37 Okay.

William 0:19:37 You'll do a whole Sunday morning English breakfast, won't you?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:41 Anything out there.

Jordan 0:19:42 Really? Easy lamb.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:43 I just put my big coat on.

Jordan 0:19:44 Do you not cook in the kitchen at all?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:46 Hardly ever.

Jordan 0:19:48 Wow. Only when I— And not Sunday roast?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:50 I— well, I have a big range—

Jordan 0:19:52 That smells great.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:19:53 No, no. It does when it's freshly cooking, but the day after, nobody needs that.

Jordan 0:19:59 Oh, you are very extra.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:00 Yeah.

Jordan 0:20:01 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:01 No, I prefer to do it outside, and then all the smells outside Bring it in, eat it, job done. Grease, all confined to the garden.

William 0:20:09 I know.

Jordan 0:20:11 Your poor neighbours.

William 0:20:12 No, they love it.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:14 They probably love it.

William 0:20:15 Oh, tell Jordan about Cecil's fence.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:17 So, my next-door neighbour— I don't know why William finds this so funny— he's in his 90s, and he has an allotment. And we used to have— he changed the fence recently, but we used to have a hole in the fence. It was like that.

William 0:20:32 Sort of yay pig.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:20:33 And he would ask— I'd suddenly hear over the fence, Jonathan, do you like a courgette? And I'd say, I do quite like a courgette, actually, Cecil. And he'd feed a courgette through the hole, and I'd take it the other side. And then he'd say, do you like a carrot? And I'd say, yeah. And I'd be fed vegetables through the hole, Cecil's glory Hole, we called it. But when we replaced the fence, there's no hole now.

Jordan 0:21:05 So how's he doing?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:21:06 He throws them over. Jesus Christ.

Speaker F 0:21:11 Yeah, it's true.

William 0:21:13 Now, obviously, Luxury Podcast started off as a Keeping Up Appearances episode-by-episode guide. Jordan, you do love Keeping Up Appearances. You will sometimes text me with little clips of you watching it. Yes. How many have you seen? Can you quote any?

Jordan 0:21:26 I've seen, uh, many episodes.

William 0:21:30 Yeah. What's your favourite bit?

Jordan 0:21:32 Uh, well, obviously, hiya, sir. Richard!

William 0:21:35 Okay, well, that's in every episode, but you love the QE2 episode.

Jordan 0:21:39 QE2 episode, which I'd missed because I thought I'd watched them all, and then he mentioned this a couple of years ago, and I was like, what? He went, yeah, there's an episode where— It's the best episode. They're on the QE2, and he came round and we watched it and had a curry.

William 0:21:49 Um, Jonathan and I went to— we flew out to Dubai, which is where That's years ago, not recently, where the QE2 is moored permanently. It's now a hotel, and we recreated various scenes.

Jordan 0:22:03 I'd seen and I heard.

William 0:22:04 Different times, but yeah.

Jordan 0:22:06 Yeah. What was— I can do, hello, UK Residence, lady of the house speaking. I can do that.

William 0:22:13 She lives.

Jordan 0:22:14 And I'm trying to think of any— What was that boat like? Was it luxury still, or—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:19 It smelled— When were you born?

Jordan 0:22:22 1990.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:23 Ah. It smelt of the '80s.

William 0:22:26 Oh, okay.

Jordan 0:22:28 What did— like cigarettes and all that?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:30 Yeah. I just kept saying to William, we were walking around and I just kept saying, this smells like the 1980s. You were never born in the '80s, but it smells— every office, every building just smelt— it was a combination of carpet and cigarette smoke.

Jordan 0:22:45 Yeah, cigarette smoke gets everywhere, doesn't it?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:47 Everything smells like that.

Jordan 0:22:48 Yeah. I would quite like that. Yeah, the smell of the '80s. Have you got a strong heightened sense of smell?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:22:54 Quite.

Jordan 0:22:55 Yeah, you'd be, you know, if you weren't good on the radio, you could be another Joe Malone, I reckon.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:00 Really?

Jordan 0:23:02 Yeah, I reckon you should have gone with, uh, special perfume. Yeah, and candles and stuff.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:06 Oh, I could see that.

Jordan 0:23:08 I've seen a film, he, he, what was it, Colson, it was on Netflix, and he loved the smell of his boyfriend's jock, so he met spray out of it.

William 0:23:17 Halston?

Jordan 0:23:18 Who?

William 0:23:19 Halston.

Jordan 0:23:20 Halston, and he's sniffing his husband's jock and then made a smell out of it. So, it was this, and it was like a musky spray that was really popular in the '80s.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:28 What, the smell of testicles?

Jordan 0:23:30 Yeah, and stuff.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:31 How horrible. Yeah. Nobody likes the smell of testicles.

Jordan 0:23:35 I mean, there'll be some people that do.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:37 Really?

William 0:23:39 We've got some questions.

Jordan 0:23:40 If you have Egyptian goggles, you know, whatever. Are you allowed to say that these days?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:23:44 What's that?

Jordan 0:23:46 Where you put testicles on someone's eye and go, Egyptian goggles. Are you allowed to say that? My mates used to do it in uni. You'd be lying down at the settee, you go, Egyptian goggles, and just put the balls on your eyes. Have you never had Egyptian goggles before?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:09 I've never had Egyptian goggles on my eyes.

Jordan 0:24:12 Can we just double-check that? I think it is a thing, isn't it?

William 0:24:15 Well, whilst we're checking that, Charlotte would like to know the absolute raw truth on Jordan's thoughts about Jonathan and Jonathan's thoughts about Jordan. How did you first meet? Did I facilitate? What were your first impressions? And is there any jealousy over their mutual relationships with William?

Jordan 0:24:30 I absolutely love Jonathan. I can't remember the first time we met, but I just remember having a proper laugh. It was through William Hanson, and I just remember us being really giddy. And I remember texting you the day later and saying, I love Jonathan. Where was it where we first met? Was it my 30th? No. No. We'd met before that.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:47 We were both at your 30th, but we didn't meet then.

Jordan 0:24:50 We had a good— we were sat—

William 0:24:51 So you hadn't met at that point?

Jordan 0:24:52 No, no. We were seated next to each other at his wedding as well, weren't we?

William 0:24:55 Yeah, you were on the same table. That was it. But you had met before then.

Jordan 0:24:59 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:24:59 It's 'cause you had to tell me off, because I got the giggles.

Jordan 0:25:02 Oh yes.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:03 Do you remember?

Jordan 0:25:04 You got 'em really bad.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:05 I got the really bad giggles. Yeah. And it was when William's father was giving this lovely speech. But it was nothing to do with William's dad. And you leant over and you went, Jonathan, stop it.

Jordan 0:25:16 For me to say that, it must have been bad. For me to say that, it was really bad.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:21 It must have been.

Jordan 0:25:22 Well, you weren't that bad. It was a great wedding though. But yeah, I just remember thinking, you are so funny. And I used to play Jonathan's clips out.

William 0:25:29 Yes, on Radio 1.

Jordan 0:25:30 On Radio 1 all the time, because he was— you'd send me clips of him.

William 0:25:33 And you laughing about, um, Cupid's Little Arrow when you did a photo on Valentine's Day.

Jordan 0:25:38 Your laugh, uh, when you lose it. So I used to play them out all the time, especially in lockdown when there wasn't really much going on. No offence.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:46 So, he gives with one, he takes with the other.

Jordan 0:25:49 When did we first meet?

William 0:25:50 I think it was at Bush Hall when we did the Sexton shows.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:54 It was after that show.

William 0:25:55 We did—

Jordan 0:25:56 You've come to all our shows, bless you.

William 0:25:58 Well, not recently.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:25:59 No, I weren't— no, yeah, but that was only because I was away. I would have been there otherwise. I know. No, I've always been to you— come to your shows.

William 0:26:06 You have. You've been there. You helped produce one of the items. The— he's up with the cock in the Palladium.

Jordan 0:26:13 Oh yes, he's up with the cock.

William 0:26:15 Jonathan told me which exact jam jingle to recreate.

Jordan 0:26:19 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:19 And it didn't disappoint.

Jordan 0:26:20 No, it did not. It was a great bit. It was.

William 0:26:23 Question from Levi. You didn't ask when Jonathan—

Jordan 0:26:25 what was Jonathan's first impressions of me?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:27 Well, it was at Bush House, and I met what?

William 0:26:31 Bush Hall.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:32 Bush Hall. Bush House.

Jordan 0:26:34 Doesn't matter.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:36 It was at Bush Hall. Bush House used to be a BBC building, did you know?

William 0:26:41 I know why you said it, yes. It's near the Strand.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:43 And yeah, no, I met Jordan then, and I thought you were very nice.

Jordan 0:26:48 Oh, thank you.

William 0:26:48 There's a photo, actually. We'll put it up.

Jordan 0:26:51 Oh.

William 0:26:51 There is a photo of the 3 of us.

Jordan 0:26:52 Oh, okay.

William 0:26:53 Levi's got a question for you, Jordan. A picky tea or a barbecue?

Jordan 0:26:56 Ah. Oh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:26:58 Good one, good one.

Jordan 0:26:59 Picky tea any day of the week. But I'm gonna say this, and I've been picking my time for it. But I think people are getting a bit fed up with the whole picky tea thing. It's everywhere at the moment. And I'm— just let me finish. I, I started it. It was a big thing I used to do on Radio 1 and on Twitter.

William 0:27:17 You started it?

Jordan 0:27:18 Well, I didn't start it, but I like to— I think I brought it to the mainstream. No, I'm joking. And now I think everyone, like every supermarket's jumped on it and stuff. But yeah, um, but I still love a picky tea. It makes me happy, a picky tea. You know, like when you watch, you know, when you watch Mary Poppins and it makes you happy. Going home knowing I'm gonna have a picky tea, or when someone makes me a picky tea, I'm gonna have it in the garden. It generally— it's nostalgic for me.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:41 My granddad nearly died at a picky tea. Why are you laughing? My granddad's nearly dying.

Jordan 0:27:53 He nearly died at a picky tea.

William 0:27:55 He didn't die.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:27:55 So we used to have a picky tea. I don't think we called it a picky tea, but it was a picky tea.

Jordan 0:28:00 Was it a buffet?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:01 On a— no, no, it's just sitting around a table where we'd have Was it a cold collation? It was a cold collation. Little bits, maybe some cocktail sausages, a few little sandwiches, and always served with a pot of tea. Always.

Jordan 0:28:14 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:28:15 And my granddad choked on a miniature sandwich. Why are you finding this funny? And what was— He literally— he choked. William is literally falling about laughing. It's not funny. He nearly died. He got a sandwich stuck in his throat. And we were all like smacking him on the back. And all of a sudden, my mother hit him so hard on the back, and this sandwich flew across, stuck on my grandmother's face. It's not funny! Why are you laughing? She had a sandwich stuck— and he would just kind of came back to life. The colour started to come back to his face. But he genuinely nearly died at a pickety. I don't mean to bring it down.

Jordan 0:29:18 What was the sandwich?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:19 It was a cucumber sandwich, actually. Oh, okay. Yeah, but properly stuck on his face.

William 0:29:23 Harpenden.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:24 Of course. Have a pickety, you've got to have a cucumber sandwich.

William 0:29:29 Yeah. Wow. Okay. Well, we are going to— we're just going to take a minute and we'll be back in part 2, where Jonathan is going to help us answer some modern-day dilemmas.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:29:36 Oh, wow.

Jordan 0:32:49 All right, welcome back to the GNDivas and Bucketheads. Or is it the Bouquetheads?

William 0:32:57 You can say either.

Jordan 0:32:58 Oh, can you? Yeah, we say Bucketheads.

William 0:33:00 What do the—

Jordan 0:33:01 what do the Bucketheads prefer? Bucketheads? The Bucketheads? All right, okay. Uh, now this is a special episode of Help, I Sexted My Luxury Podcast.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:10 Yes. Is that right?

William 0:33:11 Yep.

Jordan 0:33:11 Help, I Sexted My Luxury Podcast. Now it's time for Jonathan and the Bucketheads who haven't heard Sexted before to help us answer some modern-day dilemmas. Are you ready for— don't read the questions in advance, Jonathan.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:33:23 Okay.

William 0:33:23 Yeah, and well, we've got some Sexted listener questions, presumably for you, Jonathan. Georgie has asked if you have an impression of Jordan. Since he does one of you.

Jordan 0:33:31 William! I jeeved it! Why are you laughing at choking on a sandwich? Hello, BBC Three Counties! Hi, Jonathan, yes, I had a little winkle. A little winkle! Oh, little winkle! Here's to being a carpenter!

William 0:33:53 He's on Three Counties, not Capital.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:00 Literally, you launched into that within seconds!

Jordan 0:34:03 I don't know what I'm doing now.

William 0:34:04 Yeah. Right, off you go.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:06 No, I don't do one of you.

William 0:34:08 Do you not?

Jordan 0:34:08 No, I don't. William does a good one of me.

William 0:34:10 What is it?

Jordan 0:34:12 What the— I'm not freaking— What the hell? I'm not Jabba the Hutt!

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:18 I can only do one northern impression. Go on. Ooh, you mince-teasing bastards!

William 0:34:25 I thought that was uncanny.

Jordan 0:34:30 Also, a show that you would not get away with these days. That was for Selecta. Ooh, Patsy, me fanny's letting off a right pong.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:38 My fanny's what?

Jordan 0:34:41 Letting off a right pong. Ooh. Do you not remember that?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:48 No.

Jordan 0:34:48 She starts wafting it.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:49 Oh, oh. Well, we'll crack on.

William 0:34:52 Regan has asked Jonathan to settle the debate. Who is camper out of me or Jordan?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:34:58 You.

Jordan 0:34:59 Easy.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:01 Oh, come on. Oh, don't play that.

Jordan 0:35:04 Campers are all in pink tents, love.

William 0:35:07 Is Jordan camp?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:07 He is camp.

Jordan 0:35:09 I'm not camp.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:09 A bit camp.

Jordan 0:35:10 I wouldn't say I was camp.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:11 We're all camp.

William 0:35:12 Yeah. You work in the media, love.

Jordan 0:35:14 So?

William 0:35:15 Of course you're camp.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:16 But you're more camp.

Jordan 0:35:18 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:19 Sorry, was that— sorry, is that not what you wanted me to say?

William 0:35:22 I think I'm quite butch.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:24 You are not.

William 0:35:25 Rude. Brian asked, what could Jordan do to be more luxury and executive?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:31 Oh.

Jordan 0:35:32 Butch.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:32 What's your bladder like? Have you got a good bladder?

Jordan 0:35:39 It's like an egg cup.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:40 Is it? I knew you would have a little feeble bladder. I don't mean to be rude, but you just reek of little bladder.

Jordan 0:35:51 I do. I'm constantly pissing after so many tests.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:35:55 Yeah. That's not luxury.

Jordan 0:35:56 I've had so many doctors' fingers up the arse. I constantly— and I'm—

William 0:36:00 Some of them at the GPs.

Jordan 0:36:02 But I have a very weak bladder. Sometimes I'm up twice a night for a wee.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:36:09 Right. Okay.

Jordan 0:36:10 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:36:11 Well, that's not luxury.

Jordan 0:36:13 Is it not?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:36:13 No. So, a luxury bladder is a bladder you can hold for hours and hours.

Jordan 0:36:18 Really? Have you got a strong bladder?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:36:21 Yes.

Jordan 0:36:21 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:36:21 I pride myself on going for hours and hours.

William 0:36:25 Can you do a whole radio show?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:36:26 I could, although I don't.

William 0:36:29 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:36:30 That's the only time I do go, during the news break. But any other time, I kind of— you know when you're quite desperate to go? And I like to think, no, I'm not going to give in to this.

Jordan 0:36:41 No, no, no. Surely there'll be many medical professionals that at your age probably wouldn't advise that.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:36:48 To be fair. To be fair.

William 0:36:50 How many times do you go during your show?

Jordan 0:36:53 At least sometimes one— at least once an hour, sometimes twice an hour.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:36:57 Twice an hour? I've been so—

Jordan 0:36:58 honestly, I am such a pisser. Yeah, 'cause I'm drinking water and coffee and stuff.

William 0:37:05 Now, Jonathan has very strong views on people that drink water, don't you, Jonathan?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:37:08 Yeah.

William 0:37:10 Yeah.

Jordan 0:37:10 Well, yeah.

William 0:37:11 People drink too much water.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:37:13 They do.

William 0:37:13 People particularly like— look, I mean, look at Izzy there with her tank.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:37:18 That tank makes me feel sick. I'd like to— and I don't like to be rude, but I'd like to club the young to death with their tanks. Because there is absolutely no— you're not climbing the Sahara. You're sitting here watching a podcast, and she's got a vat of water. A vat of water. It's absolutely ridiculous. A small little glass to have the occasional sip, just to moisten one's mouth, is all that's necessary. You do not need a tank of water.

Jordan 0:37:51 Okay.

William 0:37:52 Water? So to be more— It makes me sick.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:37:54 Does make me sick.

Jordan 0:37:55 To be more luxury executive, I need to— I bet a bladder.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:37:58 Yes. Try and stretch it. How? Just hold it.

Jordan 0:38:02 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:38:03 Do you— are you one of those people that if you're leaving the house, you go to the toilet when you leave, and then when you arrive somewhere, maybe 20 minutes later, yeah, I need the loo.

Jordan 0:38:14 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:38:14 Oh.

Jordan 0:38:15 It's so— it's, it's— I think it's getting life deliberating now, whatever the word is.

William 0:38:19 Debilitating.

Jordan 0:38:20 Debilitating. Yeah, I do, honestly. And you can't piss anywhere in London. You go into a Costa and you're like, can you piss? Like, no, you must leave, get out. You must not come back here unless you buy. And I can't have Costa Coffee Well, it goes right through you. It runs through me like a vein.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:38:34 My new Labrador, she can hold her bladder for 12 hours.

Jordan 0:38:38 Oh.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:38:39 Now that is luxury.

William 0:38:41 Should we go on to a dilemma?

Jordan 0:38:47 Yes. All right, are you ready for this then, Jonathan?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:38:50 Yes.

William 0:38:50 Dear William, Jordan, and Jonathan, I'm going over to my friend's house for the evening just to socialise, and I wanted to bring a drink with me as I feel it's the proper thing to do. I have a very nice bottle of spirits that another friend gave me for my birthday, and I'd like to drink it properly with people, But I haven't had the chance to do that yet. My dilemma is this: I'd like to take this bottle with me, but I also don't want to leave it there. At the same time, I don't want to appear rude by taking a bottle round and then taking it back. So my question is this: what is the proper etiquette for taking a bottle round to a friend's house? Any help would be much appreciated. Archie. Jonathan.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:39:21 Archie, that is absolutely outrageous. You do not take a bottle round to someone's house that you then try and take back.

William 0:39:29 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:39:30 No. That's unacceptable. Would you agree?

Jordan 0:39:32 Yeah. So they, they want to take it round, but then—

William 0:39:35 But don't drink it.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:39:36 Take it back.

Jordan 0:39:37 If they don't drink it.

William 0:39:38 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:39:38 Yeah. No, no, no, no, no.

William 0:39:40 It's a gift for the host, not for the person.

Jordan 0:39:42 Yeah. You can't, even if you take it round for you to drink, unless the host says take it, which I always do when people come round. They always bring gin and stuff, and I'm like, I always say, don't bring it round, I've got loads of stuff in. I have. I've got a big bar.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:39:52 Have you?

Jordan 0:39:54 Oh, I've got like a big bar of gins, vodka, so they don't need any more. But if they bring Unless it's like— usually if it's a crap one, I'll say, take that back with you.

William 0:40:02 I think you said that to me.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:40:04 Yeah.

Jordan 0:40:06 William doesn't have vodka in his house.

William 0:40:08 No.

Jordan 0:40:08 What's the etiquette there? As a good host?

William 0:40:10 He thinks it's bad that when he came round— He thought it was terrible.

Jordan 0:40:12 I went, I'll have a drink, and he went, no vodka. I said, would you like a martini? I said, yeah, vodka.

William 0:40:16 And I said, I don't have that. I do— I only do gin martinis.

Jordan 0:40:18 I said, I'll have a can of lager then.

William 0:40:19 Don't have that either.

Jordan 0:40:21 Well, he's etiquette expert. What a great host.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:40:23 You should have the basics. You should. You should have lager.

Jordan 0:40:27 And someone who reads that That famous book that all the media knobs have, me included. That's my first rule. You should have the basics. Jack Daniel's vodka. Even not for you, for your guests. I'm just saying.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:40:39 I don't have vodka. Well, that's fine. I would always have lager if I had friends over. Well, I think you should have vodka in.

Jordan 0:40:45 Just a bottle of Smirnoff.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:40:47 I have got— When I was in Argentina last, they sell in the pharmacy 90%— It's just called alcohol. Would that do?

Jordan 0:40:57 I don't think— I don't think you can drink that, can you?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:41:00 I don't— well, if you dilute it with enough Coke, you wouldn't know.

Jordan 0:41:03 I don't think you can drink that. I think that's for medical purposes.

William 0:41:06 Yeah. Well, medical or cleaning or— Okay. Yeah. Okay. Final dilemma comes from anonymous. Hello, William, Jordan, and Jonathan. I'm writing to you with a dilemma. My partner and I have always had a very adventurous sex life and have recently got into the lifestyle. For those unaware, it's swinging.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:41:22 Ah.

William 0:41:22 There is a very popular website for those involved in this, lifestyle, and you can search for profiles near you. Imagine my shock horror when, whilst browsing the site, I saw someone with tattoos that I recognised, and in said photo they are in a, let's say, compromising position with another person. Important to note that on this website you can see the people who have viewed your profile. With this in mind, and to limit any potential awkwardness, I didn't view the profile and scrolled past it. I thought nothing of it until a few days later I was going through photos on my phone and saw a photo from a few years back of myself and my dad on holiday. Oh no. My dad is shirtless in the photo, and if you hadn't already guessed where this is going, yes, the tattoos were on show.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:42:01 Oh.

William 0:42:01 The same tattoos I saw in the profile on the site. My parents split when I was young, and he hasn't had a relationship since. I was absolutely mortified and have no idea what to do. So I guess my dilemma is this: what do I do, and how do I approach the situation? I'm pretty sure he hasn't viewed my partner and my profile. However, I'm scared he may come across this. It's obviously not something I want to discuss with my father. However, I don't know what to do. Any advice you can give would be much appreciated. Love the podcast. Thank you for all the laughs over the years.

Jordan 0:42:28 Well, first and foremost, don't shag them.

William 0:42:30 No.

Jordan 0:42:31 'Cause that would be—

William 0:42:32 Illegal.

Jordan 0:42:33 Illegal. Just to clear that up.

William 0:42:35 Yeah.

Jordan 0:42:35 But second thing, maybe block them or hide them from seeing your profile. I'd block them if you can. I don't know what website this is.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:42:42 I don't really understand.

Jordan 0:42:43 So there's—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:42:44 Is the father a swinger?

Jordan 0:42:45 Yeah, or on this swinging profile to meet—

William 0:42:48 It's in the family.

Jordan 0:42:48 To other couples, to meet other couples.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:42:50 Ah.

Jordan 0:42:50 And so I'd block the profile. and just say nothing of it.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:42:54 Ah.

Jordan 0:42:54 Yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:42:55 I've been to a swinger's house.

Jordan 0:42:57 Why does that not surprise me and surprise— What, were you— Did you give swinging a dabble, or…?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:43:05 No, so I live not too far from Radlett. Are you aware of Radlett?

Jordan 0:43:11 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:43:11 So Radlett is a— It's a town just outside Borum Wood.

Jordan 0:43:17 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:43:17 Between Borum Wood and St Albans.

Jordan 0:43:19 Okay.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:43:19 And it's known as one of the swinging capitals of the UK. Wow, okay. And there's a swingers' house. So I went there for a tour of the house.

William 0:43:27 For radio.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:43:29 Yeah.

William 0:43:29 Just, that's the key bit of this story that you haven't— you've left out.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:43:32 And I ended up in a dungeon on a sex sling. So, I've been to a swing— It's on YouTube. Yeah, yeah, it's all available.

Jordan 0:43:42 He was on a sex sling.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:43:44 Yes.

Jordan 0:43:45 Are they not called swings? Or is it a sling?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:43:47 Well, it was a swing. But it had ankle clamps.

William 0:43:54 So— Available on YouTube.

Jordan 0:43:56 What, the Uncle Club?

William 0:43:57 No, the video of Jonathan at the—

Jordan 0:43:59 So you've been— is it too now? Like, they have pompous grass, but apparently it's an upside-down—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:44:03 Pompous grass. Pompous grass. We would if we were swingers, but we're not.

Jordan 0:44:06 Apparently it's an upside-down pineapple now.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:44:09 Is it?

Jordan 0:44:09 Yeah, so it's either pineapple-like badge upside down or an upside-down pineapple in a shopping trolley or something.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:44:15 Is it?

Jordan 0:44:15 I don't know what else to say.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:44:16 No.

William 0:44:17 He's giving us the thumb up.

Jordan 0:44:18 Or you just go onto certain websites and be like, yeah.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:44:22 I didn't enjoy the experience.

Jordan 0:44:25 Of swing—

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:44:26 Of being in the house where it all goes on.

Jordan 0:44:29 Why? I bet that's— What was that smell like, as someone with a strong sense of smell?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:44:33 Pleather. There was a strong smell of pleather.

Jordan 0:44:42 And chlorine. Oh, yes.

William 0:44:48 Leather and chlorine. The head of pool?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:44:49 Oh yeah. And lube.

Jordan 0:44:51 The smell of lube. Was that in there? No?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:44:53 What does that smell of, Jordan?

Jordan 0:44:55 A bit like Pledge.

William 0:44:57 Pledge!

Jordan 0:44:58 Pledge!

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:44:59 Mr. Sheen.

Jordan 0:45:01 No.

William 0:45:01 No. Pledge! Cloves, isn't it?

Jordan 0:45:05 What?

William 0:45:06 Lube can occasionally smell of cloves.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:45:10 Smell of cloves?

Jordan 0:45:11 No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:45:11 No.

Jordan 0:45:12 No. No.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:45:14 Not the old Liquid Silk. Anyway.

William 0:45:28 Shall we wrap this up?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:45:30 Yeah, I think we should.

William 0:45:33 Well, thank you for listening.

Jordan 0:45:35 Thank you so much. I thoroughly enjoyed this, boys. Yes. So thank you. Thank you for letting it happen. And I hope the Gene Divas and the Bucketheads have as well. It's been long overdue. It's been like a bit of swinging and I've enjoyed it. Wow. It has. It has. Remember, if you want to get in touch with us on Help I Sexed My Boss with a dilemma or problem, drop into our DMs or send us an email to help@sexedmyboss.com.

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:45:56 And if you have something on your mind that needs a luxury touch, postman@luxurypodcast.co.uk is the place for your queries and your questions.

William 0:46:07 Now we all have to say goodbye at the same time. That's what we do on Luxury. Ready?

Jonathan Vernon-Smith 0:46:11 But for now, goodbye!