Help I Can’t Say I Love You | And Steamy Expectations

Jordan 0:02:08 Just come back from This Morning.

William 0:02:12 Have you? Yeah.

Jordan 0:02:13 Susie from makeup says hello.

William 0:02:15 Oh, hello, Susie.

Jordan 0:02:16 She says you're a favourite. Oh. She's done my eyelashes. What do you think of them?

William 0:02:20 Lovely. Gosh, it's like looking at a camel.

Jordan 0:02:22 Yeah. Also, 'cause we were talking about you so much, she's put a load of dry shampoo in my hair. And I look like I've gone a bit grey. Oh! 'Cause we're talking about William, I usually give him a dry shampoo, so…

William 0:02:36 That looks nice. It's got a lovely body to it.

Jordan 0:02:38 It's got a— But she says hello. Oh, hello.

William 0:02:41 Hello to Susie.

Jordan 0:02:42 Hello. Are we ready?

William 0:02:44 I'm ready, yes. Okay, here we go. Been ready for a while.

Jordan 0:02:46 No! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Before we start, I was here 25 seconds before we were due to start recording.

William 0:02:55 Well, 25 seconds before you thought we were due to start recording.

Jordan 0:02:58 No, 12:45 was today's start time.

William 0:03:00 12:30.

Jordan 0:03:01 No, no, no, no, no. I'll go through it. I'll go through it. If we're gonna start the episode like this—

William 0:03:05 I just wanna say, I don't mind. It was just—

Jordan 0:03:08 You're being facetious. I'm not being facetious. Sexted group. Update for this week from Jack. Arrival 12:30. 12:45—

William 0:03:15 What time did you arrive?

Jordan 0:03:16 Episode 47, right? I arrived at 12:44. I'm camera ready, so I jumped straight in. So technically, I wasn't late.

Speaker F 0:03:23 It's now 12:51.

Jordan 0:03:25 Yeah, it's now 12:51, 'cause you're faffing with lights and mics and stuff. So don't blame me. Hello and welcome to Help, I Sexted My Boss, the podcast where we help you navigate the challenges of modern life, answering your 21st century questions and finding solutions to those everyday dilemmas. Like, what should you do when you discover your partner's secret stash of Viagra? Or why can't I say Peter Schermichael properly? And what should you do if you've accidentally sexted your boss? But we're not usual hairy fairies, are we, William Hampson?

William 0:04:02 No, we're not, Jordan North. I'm more all aboard the Titanic, you're more Andy's coming, drop and panic! Oh, oh, look at that!

Jordan 0:04:11 You can't— now I'm officially—

William 0:04:13 I've never seen you go floppy so quickly.

Jordan 0:04:15 Now I'm officially Toy Story, you can't say shh, Andy's coming, because I have to literally drop to the floor. It's in my contract.

William 0:04:22 Oh, is it?

Jordan 0:04:22 Yeah, try it.

William 0:04:23 Andy's coming! What would I do to get you up again? Say, Andy's gone. Andy's gone.

Jordan 0:04:29 It's fine.

William 0:04:30 Can I do that at random points throughout the—

Jordan 0:04:32 Throughout the rest of my life now, yes.

William 0:04:34 Throughout the rest of your life? So if Toy Story 6 comes out, can I then— is that when the contract finishes?

Jordan 0:04:40 No, it's forever. Oh wow. I'm a toy, so it's just in me. Say it to Tom Hanks, just say, Andy's coming in, he goes—

William 0:04:46 Does he? Mm. It must be great at parties.

Jordan 0:04:49 We go fluffy.

William 0:04:50 That was, by the way, that was from Josh. So thank you, Josh.

Speaker F 0:04:53 Hi guys. Hi guys. Have you seen the whole Toy Story film? Have you seen it all?

Jordan 0:04:56 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker F 0:04:57 He liked it, yeah.

William 0:04:58 Have you seen the whole film?

Jordan 0:04:58 Yes! I'm gonna watch it again this Sunday at time of recording.

William 0:05:01 I thought you were only shown 45 minutes of it.

Jordan 0:05:04 No, no, I went to the full screening.

William 0:05:05 Oh, okay.

Jordan 0:05:06 I was with JB Gill from JLS.

William 0:05:08 JLS? I thought he died. Oh, it's AA Gill.

Jordan 0:05:10 Who's AA Gill?

William 0:05:11 It was a restaurant critic. Who's JB Gill?

Jordan 0:05:15 Lovely JB from JLS.

William 0:05:19 Oh, every minute's like an hour, or whatever they say.

Jordan 0:05:21 Every hour's like a day.

William 0:05:22 Oh, that's the one. Gone for the same school of timekeeping as you. Right, we'll have our Gin& Dubonnet. I'm just going to pour it now. It's lovely in this new studio, because we've actually got an ice bucket with ice and a proper measure.

Jordan 0:05:35 It's— this new studio is lovely. Haters gonna hate. And I absolutely— that's not a proper measure, is it?

William 0:05:41 That's 2!

Jordan 0:05:42 It looks like a small one.

William 0:05:43 Well, you don't drink it anyway. I'll just do it European measure.

Jordan 0:05:47 Just throw it in.

William 0:05:48 All right, I'll do 4. No!

Jordan 0:05:50 Oh!

William 0:05:50 I can't win!

Jordan 0:05:53 Yeah, not 4. I'm not your mother.

William 0:05:55 How rude. Okay, and now I'll do the gin. Anyway, you keeping well?

Jordan 0:06:01 Yeah, all good. Yeah.

William 0:06:02 That's a nice jacket you're wearing. It's like a— there's a hint of blue in there, but it's grey-blue.

Jordan 0:06:07 I've got my TV jacket and my TV trainers on.

William 0:06:09 Your TV trainers.

Jordan 0:06:11 So there's only clothes I wear for For the telly.

William 0:06:15 That's why they're in good condition.

Jordan 0:06:17 Yeah, that's why it's in very good condition. Oh, you shit! I thought that was— that could have been one of those moments where you got something in, and then only someone in the comments had noticed it. Not that I read the comments.

William 0:06:27 No, you don't.

Jordan 0:06:28 I mean, it's in good condition.

William 0:06:29 Now look, can I just say, I'm full— absolute full disclosure here, everybody. I am not every— I'm not going to go on about this every week. This will be the last week we mention it until I come out of the show.

Jordan 0:06:40 No!

William 0:06:40 No, no, no, because, you know, we've all got— Beep beep beep beep. Shut up! But I would I would like to toast the cast and crew of Titanic, who have been lovely. We have now opened in the West End, and thank you to all those who came.

Jordan 0:06:52 How was your first opening in the West End?

William 0:06:53 Yes, do you know, it's not— I don't normally open in the West End, but I mixed it up, and we opened, and it was very good. We'll talk more about it in a minute, but to the Titanic cast and crew, thank you for making me feel so welcome from the bottom of the ocean. Oh, that is quite strong. It's also what I need.

Jordan 0:07:14 How are you? How is your first week going on the West End?

William 0:07:18 Yes, uh, it's going very well, thank you. Uh, it's nice that we've actually now sort of done it, and we've done it a couple of times at the time of recording. I'm looking forward to when it becomes sort of just routine. Yeah, because like, you know, yesterday we had to go in for a sort of working notes after the first night, so you're still sort of working the afternoon. I mean, the working notes went on longer than the actual show.

Jordan 0:07:39 But you're not great with critique, are you?

William 0:07:42 criticism?

Jordan 0:07:42 Criticism.

William 0:07:43 I'm fine, actually. I mean, the one note that I kept getting before we opened is, when I'm miming, could I not mime to Celine's track? I need to mime to the backing artist's track, because Celine, when she's singing solo and I'm there sort of singing, it's like, no, it's only Celine's voice coming out. Which I thought was hilarious, that they didn't find it very funny. So that's good. And I have become— I'm channelling the wonderful Nigel Havers in the Palladium Panto, and I have ordered— it's arriving later on today, when I go into the theatre I'll collect it— I've ordered some martini glasses and a cocktail shaker and all the potato peelers and things so I can have a martini in my dressing room rather than going out for one before the show, which is what I've been doing for the last couple of days, and I decided that's going to become quite expensive quite quickly, so I will just have one in my dressing room.

Jordan 0:08:36 Oh, okay.

William 0:08:37 Invite any of the cast and crew in and they can have one too.

Jordan 0:08:39 Do you know what? I think This could be your calling next, panto. Would you do panto?

William 0:08:44 I wouldn't.

Jordan 0:08:46 Yeah, Palladium panto, you'd say yes to?

William 0:08:49 Yeah, I think we're a way off that, darling. But yes.

Jordan 0:08:52 I think you'd be good in panto.

William 0:08:53 Well, who knows?

Speaker F 0:08:54 Which sort of provincial town do you think would take William?

William 0:08:57 Hello, Sunderland.

Jordan 0:08:58 Coventry?

William 0:09:00 Yes, I could be sent to Coventry.

Jordan 0:09:02 Watford?

William 0:09:02 Yes.

Speaker F 0:09:03 Maybe people should write in and suggest their—

William 0:09:07 Yes, I did try to get Aladdin in Milton Keynes, but it's an old joke.

Jordan 0:09:13 On a scale of 1 to 10, how nervous were you for the opening? Is it the most nervous you've ever been? 14. Is it the most you've ever been?

William 0:09:18 Like, we did Wembley Arena and all those arenas earlier this year. Absolute walk in the park because you and I can just make it up as we go along. Yeah. You can't on a West End show.

Jordan 0:09:27 Yeah, my biggest fear, I can never remember lines and words.

William 0:09:31 No. Yeah, and we have flipping comfort monitors at our feet. I thought I wouldn't give it away. I mean, you can bloody see them, Jordan.

Jordan 0:09:36 They were just little notes on there.

William 0:09:38 Yeah, well, they were, but prompts. in case we forget what's coming next. But you've got nothing, none of that on the West End.

Jordan 0:09:44 Did you get my flowers?

William 0:09:45 I did get your flowers. Thank you very much. They were so lovely.

Jordan 0:09:49 Yeah, 'cause I thought that's the thing to do with thespians, innit? Send them flowers after the first show. Did you see what it said on the front?

William 0:09:57 No, actually, 'cause Mikey took them in.

Jordan 0:09:59 Oh, they were addressed to Dame William Hanson. 'Cause I honestly think when you get your knighthood, Yeah. I think you asked for it to be a Dame. I think Dame William Hanson—

William 0:10:09 It's very now.

Jordan 0:10:09 Is so much better than Sir William. I put on it Dame William Hanson.

William 0:10:13 Oh no, Mike, I'm sorry. He sent me a picture. He sent me a picture of the name.

Jordan 0:10:16 Sorry, Joe, I didn't see it cut. We had so many flowers. It's all been about him this week, so.

William 0:10:20 She walked into my dressing room, it was like I died.

Jordan 0:10:22 Oh really? Yes. Who sent you them?

William 0:10:24 Lots, lots of people, but yours were obviously the nicest flowers.

Jordan 0:10:28 Did Sassy Glen send you some flowers? Yes. I thought he would.

William 0:10:30 That's our agent. That's our agent. Yeah. Um, yeah, so no, they were, they were, they were lovely. So it's all gone very well, uh, and I'm looking forward to my martini pre-show later.

Jordan 0:10:39 Oh, okay. This is great! Are you happy? You enjoying it?

William 0:10:41 Yes, I am happy. And look, if you've come to see the show or you've already booked, thank you very much. It's been lovely to meet some gin divas at the stage door as well. So it has all been—

Jordan 0:10:49 Stage door? Yeah. Oh, signing autographs?

William 0:10:52 Yes. Breasts.

Jordan 0:10:54 Have you been signing boobs?

William 0:10:55 No. I mean, have you seen the audience who comes to the show?

Jordan 0:10:59 Stage door. Before we move on, yeah, because we would like to talk—

William 0:11:03 Andy's coming. Just wanted to test that. Jordan's gone floppy again. I haven't said it, but we could just take this minute just to, uh, just talk about whatever I want to talk about. Andy's gone.

Jordan 0:11:16 Um, how have the reviews— Andy's coming.

William 0:11:20 Andy's gone. He forgot something, he came back.

Jordan 0:11:24 Um, oh, thanks. Sorry, Andy. Yeah, look, isn't Andy like 52? Yeah, no, but it's ridiculous. Look what I've got on the bottom every pair of shoes.

William 0:11:32 Don't say you do.

Jordan 0:11:33 Yeah, I do. You've got Andy written on the bottom of them. Sub that in, that'll be funny. Sub that in, photograph. I have to have Andy on the bottom.

William 0:11:40 Give me your shoe and a Sharpie and I will genuinely write Andy on it.

Jordan 0:11:43 Every pair of shoe I've got have Andy at the bottom of them. How have the reviews been for Titanic? Because for Toy Story 5, they've been great. They have, there's been some really good reviews.

William 0:11:53 And how many of those have mentioned your part?

Jordan 0:11:55 They said the garden gnome really made This film.

William 0:12:00 Is that one of your lines?

Jordan 0:12:01 Yeah, I had to do sipping noises.

William 0:12:03 Oh, that's nick, isn't it?

Jordan 0:12:05 So, uh, we do actually have a review that's come in. Do you want to hear it?

William 0:12:09 Yes, go on. I suspect it's a suss one.

Jordan 0:12:11 Okay, here's a review. Have a listen.

Speaker G 0:12:12 Absolutely adored William's opening the other night. Um, seeing him perform on stage with a bunch of queens, it's nothing like the Sex Pistols tour whatsoever, but he did so, so well. I'm so proud of him. Uh, the audience, I think they've all been to a Bottoms brunch, but they seem to enjoy it. Well, just slightly fabulous. And I'm looking forward to going to the other 48 shows.

William 0:12:31 Aww.

Jordan 0:12:32 That is William's protégé, Viral Trent.

William 0:12:36 Okay, for a start, you pronounce the word prodigy, I believe.

Jordan 0:12:38 It's prodigé. Don't be—

William 0:12:39 No, it's—

Jordan 0:12:40 Shemichael, prodigé.

William 0:12:41 It's prodigy.

Jordan 0:12:42 It's prodigé. It's French.

William 0:12:44 Prodigé. I'm a firestarter.

Speaker F 0:12:46 I think it's prodigé.

William 0:12:47 Prodigé. Prodigal.

Speaker F 0:12:49 I think it's— they're 2 different words that are often confused.

William 0:12:52 Well, you've put the D in, and it should be a T.

Jordan 0:12:54 He's your protégé, and he's like a mini version of you. He is, yes. Far from it. Is he actually going to Every show?

William 0:12:59 No. Well, he didn't come last night.

Jordan 0:13:01 I bet he will.

Speaker F 0:13:02 Well, some people on your stories were saying they'd been 22 times, like more times than you'd even seen Mary Poppins for Titanic.

William 0:13:08 Well, no, because I've seen Mary Poppins 45 times.

Jordan 0:13:11 Fuck.

William 0:13:13 All right.

Speaker F 0:13:16 I didn't realise it had got that large.

William 0:13:21 Yes. Well, thank you, Freddie, for that. Yes, Mikey loved it. Freddie loved it. Stu came. As well. He loved it so much he hasn't turned up today, so he doesn't have to talk about it.

Jordan 0:13:29 He, he sent a voice note as well.

William 0:13:31 Has he?

Jordan 0:13:31 Whose coat is that jacket? Oh, I tell you what, there's 2 houses on the hill, and I, I, and, and there is no bread, so I'll have some toast. And I said William was fantastic. He really stole the show, he did. He was absolutely lush, he was. I thought he was brilliant. I'll tell you what it is, I'll go again and see him. Thanks, Stu.

William 0:13:47 And there is a moment— because you haven't seen it yet, let me know when you've booked. But no, no, 'cause you do need to let me know when you've booked, so I can, you know, we can do stuff around it. Well, yeah, no, no. Like, we can go out for drinks or dinner afterwards or whatever.

Jordan 0:14:00 Yeah. At what, midnight? I'll come at the weekend.

William 0:14:02 Yeah, exactly. I might come to— I'm assuming you're gonna come on a Friday or a Saturday.

Jordan 0:14:05 Yeah, I might come to a matinee. Have I said that right?

William 0:14:08 Matinee, yeah.

Jordan 0:14:09 Matinee. I might come to a matinee.

William 0:14:10 Come to an evening show.

Jordan 0:14:12 Oh.

William 0:14:13 And come to my dressing room, and you can have a martini.

Jordan 0:14:15 Oh, okay. Yes. Great.

William 0:14:17 But there is a bit in it that I wanted to do on tour that was banned by you and Stu, potentially Ben.

Jordan 0:14:25 Don't say it like that! We're not— we say it like we— was it the Beauty and the Beast bit?

William 0:14:30 No comment. Come to the show.

Jordan 0:14:31 Oh, okay. Do I still get a mention in it?

William 0:14:34 Currently, until that gets cut. Not by me. You get notes. I mean, I had notes after my first day going, you know, this needs to— I was— my monologue was 2 minutes too long, apparently. So, I had to trim that by 2 minutes last night.

Jordan 0:14:48 Oh my God. 2 minutes too—

Speaker H 0:14:49 How long is it supposed to be?

Speaker F 0:14:52 That's a chunky amount of time over. That's a lot of planning.

William 0:14:55 They basically said, William, it's a 2-act show, not a 3-act show. So we had to trim.

Jordan 0:14:59 Okay.

William 0:15:00 Anyway.

Speaker F 0:15:01 Did Mikey leave a review on a voice note?

William 0:15:03 Yes. Has Mikey left a review?

Jordan 0:15:04 You were absolutely gorgeous, and I was just so proud of me little flowerpot. Tears streaming down me eyes.

William 0:15:11 He— no.

Jordan 0:15:11 Gorgeous seeing him up there on stage where he belongs. He would honestly I said to the lads on the building site, you'll have to come, and they said, fuck off, Mikey, no chance. But you were good.

William 0:15:20 No, I looked across, um, and Mikey and Stu were sitting next to each other, and during the, uh, curtain call of night one, I look across and, oh, honestly, that gorgeous old queen was streaming with tears. Mikey was crying as well. And, uh, sorry, Stu. And I couldn't— I then couldn't look at Mikey because I was like, I'm gonna cry. So it's very— it was very emotional.

Jordan 0:15:38 I thought we weren't allowed to come to your first show.

William 0:15:40 Well, my husband is, yes.

Jordan 0:15:42 I wouldn't want anyone there.

William 0:15:44 Well, a few people came, but it's fine. But you were working also. It's Tuesday night, you'd be in bed.

Jordan 0:15:49 Yeah. Tucked up in bed.

William 0:15:51 Anyway, continuing the butch theme, let's talk about the big event of the summer, the World Cup. Oh! Are you excited for the World Cup, which is happening this year in—

Jordan 0:16:04 Mexico.

William 0:16:05 Yes. And it's on the tip of my tongue.

Jordan 0:16:06 America. USA and— Canada. Canada.

William 0:16:11 Oh, they're spreading it about. Yeah. Okay. What are your predictions?

Jordan 0:16:15 Well, at the time of recording, England haven't played yet.

William 0:16:19 Oh, when do we play?

Jordan 0:16:20 We're playing tomorrow.

William 0:16:21 Tomorrow.

Jordan 0:16:22 Tomorrow.

William 0:16:22 Okay. To be fair, Group L is looking pretty easy for us.

Jordan 0:16:25 You think?

William 0:16:26 Mm-hmm.

Jordan 0:16:26 Okay, got Ghana.

William 0:16:28 L's not gonna stand for loser.

Jordan 0:16:30 Good. I think, I don't know. I'm going into every Euro and World Cup, I'm always like, I never know. And then, As soon as you start playing and winning games, you get caught up in the mix. You're like, it's coming, it's coming!

William 0:16:45 Well, with Saka and Rice, I think it is. True. Too bad I had a nice Saka and Rice before the show last night.

Jordan 0:16:49 Rice has got a bit of sunburn. Declan Rice. He's got sunburn in the old— what?

William 0:16:58 You know when you see a joke and you go, no?

Jordan 0:17:01 No, I heard it. I just didn't think it was funny.

William 0:17:03 I didn't do the joke!

Jordan 0:17:05 Oh, oh, were you about to do it?

William 0:17:06 No, I saw a joke and then I thought, no, I can't do it.

Jordan 0:17:08 Oh, oh, okay. But he got sunburnt, so he's caught the sun really badly. Fried rice. Exactly. There we go, that's a more appropriate joke. Fried rice was fine.

William 0:17:20 Yeah.

Jordan 0:17:20 But I think we'll be all right. I have said to the Capital crew, I was like, when I first started in '24 in the Euros, and I didn't really go out to watch any England games, I watched them at home, but I said, I'm going big time.

William 0:17:31 You're going to go out to America?

Jordan 0:17:32 No, out and watch it in the pub and stuff, because that's where you soak up the atmosphere. Ben, I wouldn't mind watching a game with you if you're free, pal. Thanks.

William 0:17:41 My prediction is that Croatia might be tricky, but we should get the 9 points.

Jordan 0:17:45 Do you think? Ghana?

Speaker F 0:17:47 They're late games as well. 9 o'clock kickoff.

Jordan 0:17:50 They are. 9, 10 o'clock. I hope they've taken their melatonin and got good rest. Scotland are playing at 2 in the morning, aren't they? They are. Against Haiti.

William 0:17:57 Gosh, okay.

Jordan 0:17:58 Yeah.

Speaker F 0:17:59 Went to school there.

William 0:18:00 It doesn't work, Ben, but don't worry. Sorry. The only thing I can't get my head around at the moment is who— Between Bellingham and Rodgers, who starts?

Jordan 0:18:09 For me personally, Bellingham.

William 0:18:10 I say Rodgers.

Jordan 0:18:12 This is an unpopular opinion. This is freaking me out. I do not— I don't like—

William 0:18:16 You've taken an interest in my life. I'm taking an interest in yours.

Jordan 0:18:20 I don't like this. Considering you're the only bloke I've ever bought flowers for, and now—

William 0:18:25 Not sure that's strictly true.

Jordan 0:18:27 That is— I promise you that is true.

William 0:18:29 Really?

Jordan 0:18:29 Yeah. Who else would you buy flowers for?

William 0:18:32 A book for your dad?

Jordan 0:18:34 I don't buy them for my dad.

William 0:18:36 Father's Day coming up.

Jordan 0:18:37 I don't buy my dad flowers.

William 0:18:39 Oh, actually, God, when is Father's Day? Yeah, that's right.

Jordan 0:18:41 When is Father's Day? I've done the present idea. This Sunday. Is it?

William 0:18:43 Is it this Sun— oh, this Sunday coming up, at time of listing. Ah, okay.

Jordan 0:18:47 Yeah. But I think Bellingham for me.

William 0:18:50 Okay. No, I think Rodgers, but we'll agree to disagree. And as long as I— look, Harry—

Jordan 0:18:56 Pickford in the sticks?

William 0:18:57 Hmm?

Jordan 0:18:58 Yeah, that's got you, hasn't it? Yeah.

William 0:18:59 Harry Kane's got at least 4 goals in him though, in the group stages.

Jordan 0:19:02 I reckon Kane'll be alright. Pickford… in goal?

William 0:19:04 They did my removals. Well, the change.

Jordan 0:19:08 Do you think Pickford or Trafford?

William 0:19:11 They broke my Hoover.

Jordan 0:19:12 Pickford or Trafford, who are you going for?

William 0:19:14 Trafford.

Jordan 0:19:15 Yeah, do you think?

William 0:19:17 Yeah. Yeah. No, Trafford's a football ground, isn't it?

Jordan 0:19:19 No, James Trafford, goalkeeper.

William 0:19:22 Oh, yes.

Jordan 0:19:23 So, I'd say him because he played for Burnley, obviously.

William 0:19:25 Of course. And Pickford played for Arsenal?

Jordan 0:19:28 No, keep going.

William 0:19:30 Liverpool.

Jordan 0:19:30 No, close. Everton. Yeah! Oh, that was quite close.

William 0:19:34 I knew it was a northern team.

Jordan 0:19:35 That was quite close.

William 0:19:36 Which is why I started with Arsenal. Yeah. North London. Yeah, yes, basically. I am in 2 World Cup sweepstakes.

Jordan 0:19:45 Oh, I'm in loads at the moment. So what one are you in?

William 0:19:48 I thought— well, I felt a bit bad entering a second. I heard it as I said it. Well, I'm in one at a restaurant I go to where I pulled Curaçao. I think they're gonna do really well.

Jordan 0:19:59 I've got them in the Capital one.

William 0:20:00 Have you? Yeah. Oh, we can both—

Jordan 0:20:02 I'd never heard of it before this.

William 0:20:03 I've been there. Have you? I've been to the airport, yeah, in the Caribbean.

Jordan 0:20:06 Oh, okay.

William 0:20:07 Nice airport. And the other one is the one at work, Titanic. I haven't been— it hasn't— we haven't drawn yet.

Jordan 0:20:14 The cast of Titanic are doing a World Quiz? I'll be honest, it's mainly the technical staff. Ah, okay.

William 0:20:19 Yes.

Jordan 0:20:19 The blokes.

William 0:20:20 Heterosexuals and lesbians, to be honest. But I've put myself in the mix.

Jordan 0:20:24 Get ye!

William 0:20:25 Yeah, £2 entry.

Jordan 0:20:26 It, it, it—

William 0:20:28 Do you actually know where that money goes?

Jordan 0:20:30 No. The winner.

William 0:20:30 It goes to charity.

Jordan 0:20:30 It goes to the winner.

William 0:20:32 Oh, it goes to the winner.

Jordan 0:20:33 But you mean, you don't do a sweepstakes for charity? I mean, great, you—

William 0:20:36 Well, we didn't pay the other day, did we? It goes to charity.

Jordan 0:20:39 It goes to the winner. We'll sort it out after. It blows my mind that actually the World Cup's on, and you, you won't watch a single match.

William 0:20:45 Absolutely, I'd rather die.

Jordan 0:20:46 Even when England are on, you won't watch it?

William 0:20:48 Nope, I'll be on stage. But what about Rodgers? Well, poor old Rodgers.

Jordan 0:20:52 Oh, I need to make sure I don't book Titanic for when I'm on the plane, actually, because I will not be coming.

William 0:20:57 I think my brother's done that, actually. Oh, has he? And he's made a point of saying to me, I am still going to come and watch Titanic. That's how much he loves me.

Jordan 0:21:03 Oh, I wouldn't.

Speaker F 0:21:05 Yeah, that is bought off, James.

Jordan 0:21:08 Yeah, I agree. Come on, it's England. Does your brother tell you he loves you?

William 0:21:11 Yes.

Jordan 0:21:12 Oh.

William 0:21:13 Why, do you find— is that another weird thing we don't do in the north, like put up photos of our family around the house? Izzy, can I just say, you're northern. Do you put up photos of your family around your house? Yeah. Where have we got all this from?

Jordan 0:21:25 Maybe it's just my household. Again, is this sad?

William 0:21:29 It's a recurring theme that maybe struggles with affection.

Jordan 0:21:31 No, I— See, even saying it out loud, I love my 3 brothers to bits, but I don't think I've ever told them.

William 0:21:37 Why don't we phone one of them up now and tell them?

Jordan 0:21:39 Do you want me to?

William 0:21:40 Yeah. Alright. Which one are we gonna pick? It'll be fascinating to know which one we're gonna pick. Well, it's whoever picks up quickest.

Jordan 0:21:47 I haven't— what?

William 0:21:48 Just, you need to go, name a brother. Just want to ring and say, I love you. Speak to you later. Hang up.

Speaker I 0:21:53 No, we gotta let them respond.

William 0:21:55 They all sound the same. Who are we ringing?

Jordan 0:21:59 Hello? Hiya, Brad. It's George. You alright? Yeah, how about you? Yeah, not so bad. Just ringing to say that I love you. Yeah, I love you too. You all right? Um, yeah, yeah, I'll, um, I'll ring you back.

Speaker J 0:22:18 What do you mean? Why are you saying that? What do you mean? You know you're not dying, are you?

Jordan 0:22:25 See, no, um, you're on the podcast with William and I just said, yeah, he, he tells his— him and his brother tell each other they love each other, but I don't think we've ever Yeah, no, yeah, well, I do love you anyway.

William 0:22:39 Oh, Brad, that's sweet.

Jordan 0:22:42 But thanks, Brad. I love the fact that you thought I was dying.

Speaker J 0:22:45 All right. Oh yeah, well, yeah, you can't just say that and say I love you. It's like, couldn't you think something's happening? I'm in the middle of Marbella Old Town having a cerveza.

Jordan 0:22:56 I don't know what that—

Speaker I 0:22:59 beer? A cerveza. A cerveza?

Speaker J 0:23:01 Yeah, a bit of lemon in it.

Speaker K 0:23:03 It's like a big festival going on. It's lovely.

Jordan 0:23:05 Alright, alright. Well, oh yeah, William wants you. Hang on.

William 0:23:09 Hello, Brad. Thank you for that. No, it's alright. I was just trying to say, there's nothing— you can just say, I love you. That's— you can— it's perfectly normal and healthy to say that to friends, family, etc. And I felt he should do that to you and all your brothers.

Speaker L 0:23:23 Oh, fair one. Well, so has he rang everyone?

Speaker M 0:23:27 What did everyone else say?

William 0:23:29 No, no, no. You were the first he…

Speaker J 0:23:32 Alright, oh god, I hope it wasn't me the molester.

William 0:23:34 Well, that's exactly what I said. Look, I don't want to interrupt your cerveza or your holiday anymore, but have a lovely time, and I love you.

Speaker J 0:23:42 Alright, love you too, thank you. Thank you, bye!

Jordan 0:23:45 Bye-bye, see you later. Bless her. Bless her.

William 0:23:49 Don't message him.

Jordan 0:23:50 Well, that was weird!

William 0:23:51 It wasn't weird, it's perfectly normal.

Jordan 0:23:54 It was weird! I feel— Right, I know what probably some therapist is like, please book in. Fucking icky.

Speaker I 0:24:00 I've just told my brother I love him.

Jordan 0:24:02 I've never told any of my brothers I love them. Is that weird?

Speaker F 0:24:05 You've just texted him, haven't you, saying, I don't really love you?

Jordan 0:24:08 No, I just said, thanks for that.

William 0:24:11 So— Well, that's very kind of you.

Jordan 0:24:12 I thought he went, are you dying? Bless. There you go.

William 0:24:15 When you said no, you weren't dying, did you hear the slight disappointment in his voice? Suddenly that will was not coming to fruition.

Jordan 0:24:22 Anyway.

William 0:24:22 And how's your week been?

Jordan 0:24:23 Yeah, alright. It's— if you'd have said to 15-year-old me that I would have done Soccer Aid, yeah, Toy Story, yeah, and Capital Summertime Ball at Wembley in a week, I would never have believed. It's been probably the best but maddest week of my life. It's been mental.

William 0:24:39 It looked amazing, the ball.

Jordan 0:24:41 Thank you.

William 0:24:42 Yeah, as did Soccer Aid and Toy Story. Thanks. The ball's been the more recent thing.

Jordan 0:24:45 I, I— it's been one of those where I had a moment this week, I thought, Jesus. So it's a bit of a, bit of a pinch-me moment, but I'm very, very lucky and very very grateful, I am. Tell you what, Soccer Aid, now I know how footballers feel, actually. Yeah, just play it cool with us, that's all I'm saying.

William 0:25:02 What do you mean?

Jordan 0:25:03 The amount of blokes that are like bro shaking me. Do you know the bro shake? You know the—

William 0:25:09 What, hands?

Jordan 0:25:09 Yeah, I've had cab drivers.

William 0:25:12 A normal handshake will do.

Jordan 0:25:13 Builders, the lads in the gym. I walked in the gym the other day, turned heads.

William 0:25:17 Our gym?

Jordan 0:25:18 Yeah.

William 0:25:18 I watched it. They watch Soccer Aid?

Jordan 0:25:20 This is why I asked you to send a voice note at Capital as well. What was to do with televisions? I just got out the shower. Oh no, this is a different one. I got out the shower, yeah, and, um, what's the etiquette here? And I seen me mate, he went, yes, George, Soccer Aid! I was like, oh, cheers, bro. He hugged me, he was all sweaty from the sauna.

William 0:25:37 Sorry, have you changed gyms?

Jordan 0:25:38 No. And then I went into the other, the other guy who was there, Adam, and I was like, yes, mate. And he's like, yes, Soccer Aid! And he just really sweaty, had to get back in the shower. Honestly, never had attention like it. Well done for that. I only played for 20 minutes. So yeah.

William 0:25:53 If that.

Jordan 0:25:54 If that. Alright, we're not counting. How long are you on stage for?

William 0:25:57 2 hours. On and off, to be fair. On and off. I do come off and there's a 15-minute interval, but other than that.

Jordan 0:26:03 It's been a great week, it has. It's been a really good week.

William 0:26:05 Well done, you. You should be very proud. What are you doing?

Jordan 0:26:08 I've got a bite there on me leg.

William 0:26:09 Oh.

Jordan 0:26:10 Do you want me to pop it?

William 0:26:11 The showers.

Jordan 0:26:12 Anyway, shall we go to your Etiquetteymology? Yes! What've we got this week?

William 0:26:17 Oh, I've just had a fantastic idea.

Jordan 0:26:19 For an etic etymology?

William 0:29:14 Here's the jingle.

Speaker N 0:29:14 It's William, William, the etiquette geek. His knowledge, knowledge, is quite unique. He'll give your manners, manners, a subtle tweak. It's time for William's Etiquettey-Matic etymology of the week. Cha-cha-cha, cha-cha-cha, cha-cha-cha, cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha.

William 0:29:32 Now, this will be the first etymology I'm not interrupted in. and is coming. So, are fish knives common? Yes, basically, in short. But why? Well, fish knives and forks, sometimes called fish eaters, first appeared—

Jordan 0:29:46 I can move me ass.

William 0:29:47 No, you can't.

Jordan 0:29:48 No, I'm allowed to.

William 0:29:48 Shut up. In the middle to the later 19th century, they were mainly seen in silver plate. The flat shape of knife and fork was designed to make eating fish simple. The point of the knife, because the knife has a slight point, makes finding any bones easy. But why is something so practical because they, you know, necessity invented them. Why is it so common? Well, basically, the middle class had new money during the 19th century. Improved industrial practices made manufactured goods cheaper, and this also brought— oh, it's changed sides— this also brought wealth to a burgeoning middle class who wanted to distinguish themselves and establish their own rules. Now, this was particularly the case in America. If you've watched The Gilded Age, which we talked about before, it's sort of that era. Suddenly, everything had a piece of cutlery, like strawberry forks, not just fish knives and forks, asparagus tongs as well, ice cream spoons. And basically, the new money in America said, look, we can afford all of this, and old money went, no, it's vulgar. Now, the royal family rarely serves fish, definitely unboned fish. When they do, they still use 2 forks, which is considered the proper way to eat fish, but a bit of a faff. And he's gone. And he's gone.

Jordan 0:30:55 Sorry, I nodded off there.

William 0:30:58 Yeah, no, but I thought that was very successful. I should get him on.

Speaker F 0:31:02 I disagree. I think it needs Jordan.

Jordan 0:31:04 Thank— that's the— oh, mate, that's the kindest thing you've ever said to me.

William 0:31:09 You must be the only producer working in the media that's ever said that.

Jordan 0:31:13 Thank you. That's so lovely, 'cause in my head, I'm the only one here that isn't replaceable. So that's really—

Speaker F 0:31:19 You're the only one here that isn't.

Jordan 0:31:23 So, hey, remember this. Best advice I was ever given. Right, it's from your old Uncle Jordan here. We're all replaceable, never forget that. True. Yeah, we're all replaceable, never forget that. I'd agree. No, Matt, one minute you're cock of the walk, then next you're a feather duster.

William 0:31:42 Well, I'll tell you this, when we were doing the publicity photos—

Jordan 0:31:45 What?

Speaker O 0:31:46 What's the link between cock of the walk and a feather duster?

William 0:31:50 Piers Morgan used to have that in his Twitter bio.

Jordan 0:31:53 Yeah, we're all replaceable. Even he was replaceable. Look at the ratings he brought in for GMB. Bosh, gone.

William 0:31:59 Well, when we were doing our publicity photos for Tiny to Nick, we were standing— we were all standing— shut up. We were all standing. This is proving your point. We were all standing there as a group, and then they went, and William, if you could just step out for a minute. Showbiz. Because they'll be the ones they use when I'm out. Yeah. So, you know.

Jordan 0:32:14 If they offer you an extra 6 weeks, would you do it?

William 0:32:16 Oh no, because I'll have to cancel a holiday.

Jordan 0:32:19 Oh.

William 0:32:20 Going to Disney with my niece and nephew. So that's very exciting.

Jordan 0:32:24 Which one?

William 0:32:25 Annie and Henry.

Jordan 0:32:25 No, which Disney?

William 0:32:27 Okay. Paris. Mm. What do you mean, mm? I love Disney Paris.

Jordan 0:32:35 I've never been. I've never been to Paris.

William 0:32:36 One of these days— I would like to go with you. You, me, and Ben will Eiffel Tower.

Jordan 0:32:40 I've decided that when you go on a European break, it's better to go with friends.

William 0:32:45 Oh, okay. I slightly disagree, but yeah, I know what you mean.

Jordan 0:32:48 Yeah.

William 0:32:49 Okay, anyway. But I would say a holiday with friends is different from a holiday with your loved one or with family or whatever. I think they all have to do it. I hope so.

Jordan 0:32:56 Do you go— have you— are you like at a stage where you and Kat go on holiday and then after 4 days you don't really know what to talk about? No. That's a yes. Are you—

William 0:33:05 She's never there.

Speaker F 0:33:06 You've got lots to catch up on. Yeah, that's true.

Jordan 0:33:09 Yeah, when you go away for a week—

William 0:33:11 Ben just puts himself in front of the mirror and talks to himself.

Jordan 0:33:13 Ben's like, did I tell you I've been promoted at work? I'm executive producer Ben now. Oh really? When was that? 2 years ago?

William 0:33:20 Longer than that.

Jordan 0:33:21 Um, you're gonna do the problems and dilemmas now. I am. It's time for him, but I'm going to switch the iPad off because I've had some notes this week, like you, from our production team that I read the iPad when you're reading them. Yeah. And, um, it makes it— I look a bit disinterested on YouTube and stuff.

William 0:33:39 Yeah. What are you doing?

Jordan 0:33:40 That's my notes. Um, how do you— honestly, I'm such a technophobe. Top right. There we go. I'm gonna be one of those old people that ain't got a clue how to turn telly on. Yes. Oh, I'll be, I'll be terrible. Isn't that what you are now? The telly in my house winds me up because I—

William 0:33:56 Well, you ordered it.

Jordan 0:33:57 Switch it on, one upstairs goes on.

William 0:34:00 Well, that, that's something that's gone wrong.

Jordan 0:34:02 I can't turn it off. What a problem.

Speaker F 0:34:03 What a problem to have.

Jordan 0:34:05 The telly in my house winds me up, and then heating's on a freaking app. What's that all about?

William 0:34:11 Yes, heating on an app. I've just had mine put on an app.

Jordan 0:34:14 I always forget my password. It's more for hot water if I want a bath. I just to put immersion on.

William 0:34:19 No, it's good because—

Jordan 0:34:20 'Cause in the old days, you used to ring and say, hiya, Mum. You'd ring on house phone and say, I've just played footy, we put immersion on. And she'd be like, yeah, don't tell—

William 0:34:27 Immersion?

Jordan 0:34:28 Don't tell your dad. 'Cause he's— yeah.

William 0:34:30 Now if we fancy it hot in the bedroom, we just fire up an app and within 30 minutes, it is. Our first dilemma is from anonymous.

Jordan 0:34:37 Don't let me start that washing machine. It's got an app on now as well. Put it on a delay timer. So your washing don't go fuzzy.

William 0:34:44 It's good, yeah. Hello, William and Jordan. This past weekend, one of the women in our office got married.

Jordan 0:34:50 I'm looking interested.

William 0:34:51 Yes, I know. As work— Andy's coming. Andy's gone. As work colleagues, we were all invited as reception guests with invitees stating arrival at the venue from 8 PM. We were all delighted for her, and she had been talking about it nonstop since she got engaged. Jordan is now overcompensating. She also mentioned how excited she was, particularly because a band and DJ were playing well into the night. We all organised babysitters, got dressed up— there was a black-tie dress code— and lifts sorted to the venue, which was quite out of the way for most of us. When we arrived, the band was in full swing, but the bride and groom were nowhere to be seen. We assumed they had gone to their room to make the marriage official. About an hour later, the groom appeared looking less than pleased. We asked a bridesmaid where the bride was, and she said she didn't know, but hadn't seen her in over an hour. The groom then explained that the bride had a headache and was calling it a night at 9 PM. Both sets of parents were clearly not impressed. Neither were the groom's friends, who all felt their mate had been shown up. She was apparently berating him for not coming to bed with her. The party had died a death, and without the presence of the person we were there to celebrate, it all felt like a waste of time. So our dilemma is, as the bride, presumably partly responsible for paying for the event, is it rude to leave your own party early?

Jordan 0:36:03 Yes.

William 0:36:03 Those invited for the evening reception didn't see her. She has been talking in our group and posting online as if she'd had a crazy night, which is confusing everyone even more. Your expertise on this etiquette dilemma would be greatly appreciated. Thank you both.

Jordan 0:36:16 I, I mean, unless you're really ill and you're like both ends, obviously. And yeah, I get—

William 0:36:22 Hopefully you're not on your wedding night.

Jordan 0:36:24 No, I get being a bride and groom, like, you don't actually get a minute. You can't even finish your drink. Um, the only— yeah, so you should probably make effort. A headache, unless it's a severe headache, a migraine, but—

William 0:36:39 Severe headache always looks cool though.

Jordan 0:36:44 But, um, I think she was quite rude there. I think that's very rude. It doesn't sound very— maybe, you know, there's always two sides to a story, but I think that was pretty rude.

William 0:36:53 So, I would— okay, yeah, I sort of do agree, particularly if you're going to then have evening guests. And this is why I've said it before, I would, if you can, just have guests that either you're a guest or you're not a guest. Don't have this two-tier entry system of guests, because then if you do want to retire to bed, even with with the person you're marrying and you want to sort of disappear, then it's fine. Um, it is your party. If you're paying for it, you leave when you want to. That isn't technically a problem, but yes, it does appear rude. Um, and leaving your groom, in this instance, there— not ideal.

Jordan 0:37:26 Yeah.

Speaker F 0:37:27 What would it feel like if you were hosting, like, a dinner party and you did that?

William 0:37:31 Well, yeah, it would be ridiculous. But also, I This is— I've done that.

Jordan 0:37:35 I've gone for a tactical nap. What? Yeah, I did it when—

William 0:37:38 Is that why that paella took so long to cook?

Jordan 0:37:40 Yeah, I just— I crashed. I just went upstairs and had 20 minutes. I had to. Crashed.

William 0:37:46 I would say this is a modern dilemma, because historically, even our parents' generation and before, you would go away. So you would sort of— you would go and change, and then you would literally leave for the honeymoon, and the party would continue. The actual couple getting married staying is a relatively new concept.

Jordan 0:38:04 Weird though. I'd be weird. Well peed off, like, oh, I don't wanna go, going to Manchester Airport when everyone's on piss.

William 0:38:10 Well, you don't necessarily have to go to the airport. You could just go to a hotel and, you know—

Jordan 0:38:12 Is that what your mum and dad did?

William 0:38:14 Uh, well, I don't know. I wasn't there. Um, but I can't remember what—

Jordan 0:38:19 what? Weren't your mum pregnant with you when she got married? No, she was not.

William 0:38:21 No, I came 3 years later.

Jordan 0:38:24 Oh!

William 0:38:25 Maybe 2, actually. Who was that then? Not me. Was that you?

Jordan 0:38:28 Not that I'm— hey, I'm not judging. I've been at weddings where kids have been paged by.

William 0:38:33 It's a modern— let's not sit here and work it out. Anyway, so I would say it's a modern predicament.

Jordan 0:38:39 My mum and dad got married at 19. Can you believe that?

William 0:38:42 Wow. Well, when you were 19. Oh no, they were 18.

Jordan 0:38:44 18 and married, and Ryan— they had Ryan at 19.

William 0:38:47 Well, you know, people get married older now than they used to. But yeah, short answer, yes, it is rude.

Jordan 0:38:53 I think it was a bit rude. And if you are going to a wedding and you're a bride, try to make the most of it. You don't have to be the last one up, No, absolutely not.

William 0:39:00 And you do want to leave together.

Jordan 0:39:02 Mhm.

William 0:39:03 Our next dilemma is from Dan. Dear William, Jordan, and all, I have an etiquette question that has been driving me to despair for quite some time, and I would finally like some sort of closure, if you will. Why is it that on escalators, the etiquette is to stand on the right to allow others to pass on the left, yet on stairs, it's the opposite? Why, oh why, can't there be at least some sort of, dare I say, common sense, and both modes of de-escalation be the same? Might sound like a petty thing, but it's genuinely been driving me nuts for years, Can you shed any light at all on this? Thanks in advance. Dan from Manchester.

Jordan 0:39:31 I hate to be this person, but if you are coming down to London or any major city, stand on the right.

William 0:39:39 Yeah.

Jordan 0:39:39 Because it is not—

William 0:39:40 It's particularly bad at weekends.

Jordan 0:39:41 Oh, it's so bad. And you can spot a tourist in London. I hate to be that guy on the Tube because in London, stand on the right. Don't stand in the middle. Don't stand on the left because some people like to walk down and go faster. And I have to go, excuse me, and they think you're being rude. Like, yeah. So, why is that? Why is it different? Because it is left, isn't it?

William 0:39:59 I would say it probably goes back to swords. So, for stairs— Well, it does.

Jordan 0:40:04 Well, who was having sword fights on the Tube?

William 0:40:06 It's not that old. No one. But on stairs, obviously your sword-carrying hip was your left hip. And so, probably going up the stairs— obviously stairs have been around longer than escalators— and someone at TfL or someone decided that when you're standing on an escalator, you stand on the right. So, I would say that the rule sort of exists. It's the Tube or escalators that are the anomaly here, not general staircase.

Speaker F 0:40:30 I guess when you're walking though, you are on the left, aren't you? So, like on both the steps, you're still walking on the left.

William 0:40:36 True. The motion's opposite. It's a different— In Singapore though, it's the other way around. It's very confusing. You have to walk on the right and stand on the left. Threw me.

Jordan 0:40:43 Oh, throws me. I was told recently that When I offer to help people with their bags at the airport, at the airport or at the train station or at the Tube. It's an ick. Apparently I—

William 0:40:55 It's not an ick at all.

Jordan 0:40:56 Apparently I look for it. I look to help.

William 0:41:00 Yeah, I can see you doing that.

Jordan 0:41:02 I don't. It's just to see if they're people.

William 0:41:04 To see if they're people?

Jordan 0:41:05 To see if there's people that need help.

William 0:41:07 Wait, if there's someone right next to you, then yes. But you don't cross the terminal to go and help someone.

Speaker F 0:41:11 Not all heroes wear capes.

Jordan 0:41:14 Thank you, Ben. Thank you. You're being dead nice to me today, pal. Thank you. I like your train.

Speaker F 0:41:18 That was more sarcastic than anything.

Jordan 0:41:20 No, but yeah, apparently—

William 0:41:21 It was a bit much when you went from Terminal 5 to Terminal 2 to do it.

Jordan 0:41:24 Apparently as well, I'll cross the street to give someone money. It's nice to be nice.

Speaker P 0:41:29 Any more humble brags, please?

William 0:41:33 In all seriousness, does anyone have £2 on them? Because I do actually need to pay the sweepstake at Titanic.

Jordan 0:41:38 He's got £2 on him.

William 0:41:39 Well, I know. Apparently I can Monzo, whatever that is. I'd rather give cash.

Jordan 0:41:43 We're in Happy Days. That's the funds, innit?

William 0:41:47 This is from Anonymous. Hello, William, Jordan, and of course the rest of the team. I had a very messy, heartbreaking breakup with my ex a little while ago, and I'm just getting myself back to normal. But there's one big hurdle I can't quite get over. When I was with my ex, I introduced them to some of my closest friends, and they all really got along. Since the breakup, my friends are still very close to my ex and see them regularly. But now I barely see my friends We used to hang out almost every weekend, but now I'm lucky if I see them once a month. They never message to invite me out, but I see photos of them going out with my ex. It's soul-destroying. I've tried to talk about it with them, but I was shut down with responses like, I feel like we've gotten closer. I've tried instigating meetups, but keep hitting being busy. I'm now at the point where I'm waiting for them to reach out, but it seems to never come.

Jordan 0:42:32 Oh.

William 0:42:33 Do I stop hoping they will? Do I accept they're closer to my ex now? Uh, than me. I lose sleep over this every night, scared to lose them. Any advice would mean the world to me. Though I've never met you, you feel like close friends who can give me unbiased judgement. All my love, Anonymous.

Jordan 0:42:47 That's— I'm glad you brought this up because this is such a tricky one. Like, breakups are messy at the best of times and what have you, but with friends, I, I always thought the rule of thumb was, well, so say if we broke up.

William 0:43:00 What, professionally? Yeah. Or if we were together?

Jordan 0:43:04 Yeah, well, we broke up professionally. Yeah. I'd get Ben, obviously.

William 0:43:08 But then, to be fair, you could have him.

Jordan 0:43:10 It's who— it's tough, but I suppose it's who they were friends with first. If they introduce you to them, you— and they don't sound like great people, I think you might have to—

William 0:43:18 All right.

Jordan 0:43:20 I know it's— this is a really hard tip, but you might have to accept that they're moving on. And if they want to be friends with your ex, that's fine. You should try and make other friends. But generally, rule of thumb is if they were their friends originally, they should try and avoid their ex-partner?

William 0:43:36 I would say it depends on the context of the breakup. If one person did something really horrid—

Jordan 0:43:43 That's a fair point. Fair enough.

William 0:43:45 Now, Anon has not— she said it's very messy and heartbreaking. All breakups are. But in terms of heartbreaking, not necessarily messy. We don't know the reasons why. Maybe Anonymous did have an affair, and the friends are thinking, well, you were a bit of a dick for doing that.

Jordan 0:43:59 They might not have done. They might not have done. We don't know.

William 0:44:01 I'm saying we don't know the reason. reason. But if there is some reason like that, or God forbid it was worse than that, then I can see why friends would go, well, we're going to cut you out. But if, just providing that the— just let's just assume it was that just you became different people, it drifted apart, there is no reason why friends have to pick a side. You can still continue to be friends with both if you want to be. But then it becomes difficult when, let's say, at weddings and, you know, You know, there are going to be times when you've got to be all together in the same room.

Jordan 0:44:35 Yeah, fair enough.

William 0:44:36 But also, they're their own people and they can make their own choices, as heartbreaking as that is.

Jordan 0:44:39 I'd try and accept and move on and maybe leave the ball in their court now. Like, um, hopefully you, you don't message them and they'll start to miss you after a while and reach out like, hey, it's been a while, and hopefully that can rekindle it. Good advice. Is that a Monet behind you?

William 0:44:55 I doubt it. What is that picture? That's not Monet.

Jordan 0:45:00 He painted with his fingertips, didn't he? That was Rotterdam.

William 0:45:04 He might have.

Jordan 0:45:05 Oh, you—

William 0:45:06 oh. Gosh. It's like sitting opposite Sister Wendy.

Jordan 0:45:08 Really?

William 0:45:09 Quite. Don't worry, she was the nun art critic.

Speaker F 0:45:12 No, Claude Monet did not paint with his fingers. He did.

Jordan 0:45:15 He dabbed.

William 0:45:15 He used— Do you mean Manet?

Jordan 0:45:16 No.

Speaker F 0:45:18 Manet used the brushes and he dabbed it, I think.

William 0:45:22 Yeah, there was—

Jordan 0:45:22 he used his fingertips. I remember learning it in school.

William 0:45:25 You don't mean Van Gogh?

Jordan 0:45:26 He chopped his cock off, didn't he?

William 0:45:28 Ear.

Jordan 0:45:29 Oh, was it his ear?

William 0:45:30 It was his ear.

Jordan 0:45:31 No, he chopped— who chopped the cock off?

Speaker F 0:45:34 No, he chopped his ear off, but he painted with his cock.

Jordan 0:45:36 No, he didn't. Did he chop his— yeah, he chopped his ear off, didn't he?

William 0:45:44 He did, for whatever reason. This is from Eleanor. Hello, William and Jordan. My girlfriend and I have been doing long distance for almost a year now, I'm studying abroad. She's coming to visit me in a couple of weeks for our anniversary. Yay! We haven't seen each other since mid-January, so we are very much looking forward to seeing each other. My problem is I'm scared there are going to be some steamy expectations. Firstly, I'm living in a shared flat with very thin walls, and my flatmates do not need to know all that about me. Secondly, I find it hard to finish with other people, and though my girlfriend knows this, I don't want her to think she can't satisfy me or that I'm not excited to see her. Any advice? Love you guys. Your podcast has been a lovely reminder of home while I've been away.

Jordan 0:46:22 Maybe if— Well. Maybe if you've got the money.

William 0:46:25 A hotel.

Jordan 0:46:27 A hotel.

William 0:46:27 That would serve the first problem. Solve the first problem.

Jordan 0:46:30 Your girlfriend's only right in expecting a bit of, you know.

Speaker F 0:46:33 Rumpy pumpy.

Jordan 0:46:35 A bit of— oh.

William 0:46:35 How's your mother? Lesbians.

Jordan 0:46:37 How's your father?

William 0:46:38 The lesbians. Oh, okay.

Jordan 0:46:39 A bit of rumpy pumpy.

William 0:46:41 Yeah.

Jordan 0:46:41 Please don't say to me you've ever said that to— What about a bit of rumpy-pumpy? Yeah, so I don't think there's aught wrong there. Shit, you know, been a long time. Yeah, if you're long distance, a bit of scissoring won't go amiss. So—

William 0:46:56 I'll let you finish this one.

Jordan 0:47:00 So maybe get a hotel, but also for a couple nights we can fuck, but also don't overthink it. Like, I have lived with many housemates And you do know that if their other half's coming, you kind of make yourself scarce for, uh, you know, you go to cinema for an afternoon and you say you have a place to yourself. You don't have to say—

William 0:47:21 Go see Toy Story 5.

Jordan 0:47:22 Yeah, go and see Toy Story 5, or maybe hint to your housemates if you could have an evening to yourself. But you know, if worse comes to worse, outdoors.

William 0:47:29 Okay.

Jordan 0:47:31 That's my advice. But yeah, and, and don't worry about, you know, Not being able to—

William 0:47:39 Finish.

Jordan 0:47:41 Like, yeah, if some— it's fine to finish yourself off. Sometimes it's fucking— sometimes it's great.

William 0:47:47 If your girlfriend knows about it, then there's no problem with it. I think you're in your own head about that.

Jordan 0:47:51 It's great if you finish yourself off and everyone's happy, then fine.

William 0:47:54 Exactly. I have nothing further to add.

Speaker F 0:47:56 I've always said that.

William 0:47:57 Our final dilemma is from Vic. Dear William Jordan—

Jordan 0:47:59 What's worse than, uh, running with scissors? Scissoring with the runs. That's a good one.

Speaker F 0:48:13 Yeah, Andy's cum.

Jordan 0:48:14 I'll find it. Don't say cum. That's more of a— we've not seen that meme because obviously Andy got a bit older. He's in his 30s. The toys would have seen it all, wouldn't they?

William 0:48:30 They would've done.

Jordan 0:48:30 I always sometimes—

William 0:48:31 Buzz would've seen that, would he?

Jordan 0:48:33 Do you ever midway through think— Do you ever midway through think, I hope my grandma's not watching from heaven now?

William 0:48:39 Why is that going through your mind? Is that weird?

Jordan 0:48:43 'Cause they say—

William 0:48:43 You're sick.

Jordan 0:48:44 I'm not sick. But you know they say, a little robin comes, and they say that's someone you love. But do you ever think, oh God, I hope my loved ones aren't watching? You— I— when I go to heaven, And my grandkids and what have you are wanking. I won't watch. I'll go, oh, Maureen, just leave it. He's wanking again. Yeah, at that age. We'll pop back in in an hour.

William 0:49:11 An hour?

Jordan 0:49:12 That's right.

William 0:49:13 The grass hasn't fallen off.

Jordan 0:49:14 I hope they do, loved ones. I hope they give you a bit of privacy when you—

William 0:49:17 Well, one day we'll know. Our final dilemma is from Vic.

Jordan 0:49:22 Final?

William 0:49:23 Yeah.

Jordan 0:49:23 Have you washed your hair?

William 0:49:24 No, I haven't. Thank you very much. Our final dilemma is from Vic. Dear William Jordan et al., as the summer season gets fully underway, I have a dilemma about the etiquette of using a handheld fan. I shall be attending both Queen's and Wimbledon this year, and it can get very hot, especially for a lady of a certain age. So, should I follow the example of the lady next to me last year at Queen's who used her fan liberally, first on her face, then on her chest, and finally lifting her skirt and opening her legs to fan herself where the sun doesn't shine? Or should I sit and melt in a very modest and English fashion? Thank you in anticipation of your advice. Vic from Surrey. Very Surrey. Very Surrey question.

Jordan 0:50:01 Is that a handheld electrical fan or a wafter?

William 0:50:03 I guess it doesn't matter.

Jordan 0:50:05 Either or. Oh, can you imagine that? It's a very— I can imagine—

William 0:50:12 You ever had a wafter up your trousers?

Jordan 0:50:13 I can't say I have.

William 0:50:14 No.

Jordan 0:50:15 No. I think it's fine to waft your face. Maybe you can do that.

William 0:50:18 Maybe a décolleté.

Jordan 0:50:20 The breast area, because that can get very sweaty and clammy. It can. The breasts get very sweaty and clammy in the summer. Don't, don't, don't lie.

William 0:50:30 You speaking from experience?

Jordan 0:50:31 So you have to give them a little waft.

William 0:50:35 But I would say lower than your stomach.

Jordan 0:50:38 No. I'd draw the line at wafting your fanny. Can you imagine that? You're there at Queen's and starts wafting the fanny and goes, Oh, I think we got fish and chips on the menu.

William 0:50:48 Well, I'm offended by that on behalf of everyone. I'm put in mind of last summer when you invited us to that lovely festival on the riverbank, and it was absolutely like 35 degrees.

Jordan 0:51:01 Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

William 0:51:03 It was 35 degrees, black tie, everyone was sweltering. I was the only person in a tent of about 1,000 that kept his jacket on, and after 10 minutes, I was fine. The body regulates.

Jordan 0:51:13 Yeah, you did say that. That was the first year they've ever said, Gentlemen can take jackets off. Yeah, you're not coming this year. Mikey's still coming.

William 0:51:23 Mikey is still coming. Alas, I shall be elsewhere.

Jordan 0:51:25 Yeah, where will you be?

William 0:51:26 I forget.

Jordan 0:51:28 Ah, yeah, so, um, we've had to get a few replacements in.

William 0:51:31 A few? Yeah, there's only one seat.

Jordan 0:51:34 Chris and Sian can't make it. Sian and Jakey can't make it.

William 0:51:37 Oh, well, that is why I pulled out.

Jordan 0:51:38 Is it because they weren't going?

William 0:51:41 Who, who's coming then?

Jordan 0:51:42 Yeah, a few people, this and that. We got the numbers, don't worry.

William 0:51:45 Well, I'm sure you— I mean, it's only, you know, you're only replacing 3. I mean, you're not asking to replace a whole football team.

Jordan 0:51:51 It's hard. Have you ever played? Have you ever tried? I know I keep going on, but I've tried getting 3 lads together for padel, or girls. It's a nightmare. It's a nightmare. Nearly rang— have you played?

William 0:52:04 Nearly rang Ben?

Jordan 0:52:05 Yeah, I did. Have you played? Oh, we said we should have rung you. She said we should have rung you.

William 0:52:10 I'm taking him hours to get to you.

Jordan 0:52:12 How does this work? Because I'm in me head, I'm getting worse the more padel I play. I'm getting worse. Honestly.

William 0:52:19 I mean, padel's not even a sport. It's— it— come on.

Jordan 0:52:22 It is a sport. Is it regulated?

William 0:52:24 Is it an Olympic sport?

Jordan 0:52:25 It's getting there. It'll be in the Olympics soon. It's great. How often do you play, Ben? Daily. Thank you for your questions and dilemmas. Remember, if you need our help with something, then do get in touch.

William 0:52:36 Let's say it together.

Jordan 0:52:37 You can send your tales of trepidation to help@sexedmyboss.com, or you can DM us.

William 0:52:46 We're @sexedmyboss on the socials. Or you can write to— I'm doing this bit.

Jordan 0:52:51 Or you can write to William, who in the fullness of time promises a handwritten reply on one of our luxury greeting cards of executive self-seal envelopes. The address is on the website. And it's coming.

William 0:53:01 The address is on the website. You can listen to new episodes every Tuesday and Friday, and 24 hours before anywhere else on Global Player.

Jordan 0:53:08 And he's back. We'll see you next week!

William 0:53:10 Yeah, alright, bye.

Jordan 0:53:11 Goodbye!